Thought Catalog


The Conversation I’d Like to Have With Dark-Skinned Black Men

Posted: 28 Jul 2015 10:49 AM PDT

I hate that you'll be the first person to claim to love your dark skin then disparage my alleged lack of it, even though that's usually the reason you single me out. I don't feel special. I don't feel flattered. I don't feel grateful. I don't want this attention because you think I'm beautiful. I don't want to be bullied because you like light-skinned girls.

beetlejuice

I'll be the first person to stand up and rant about the systematic marginalization of black men, but my experiences have not left me uncritical. If anything, I wish I was less critical, and quite frankly, I've had enough.

While I understand how colonization and institutionalized racism have helped destroy our communities and feel it's imperative for the greater, white society to acknowledge and help repair this, I immediately become detached from the same understanding and compassion when it comes to being targeted.

In my own conversations and arguments and the ones I've witnessed and overheard, I've seen a pattern of dark-skinned men vocalizing their "colored" biases and preferences for lighter, more Eurocentric bodies, reflecting the paradox of the "light is right" mentality.

I think it's outrageous that fair-skinned women have not only historically been placed on pedestals, that plenty tend to revel in their position at the top of the black color hierarchy, and that some of our voices fall silent when challenging the pervasive and negative biases that our darker peers face. Though I cannot say I share these sentiments— I hate them with a passion— I know I have been the target of excessive colorism, anger, and unwanted sexual attention due to my color, because it's always the first thing thrown out there.

I know that men of all colors exercise hyper-masculine, cheap bravado when pursuing women in the most unsophisticated of places—the sidewalk— but as a woman of color, a biracial woman that's been pegged as a "light-skinned black girl," I find these excessive advances especially insidious, because upon rejecting them, without delay, an eager proposal warps into nasty remarks about my biracialness and how I really wasn't that cute anyway—inevitably leading to exhaustive diatribes rife with malice.

beetlejuice

Unfortunately, these experiences have always been at the intersection of black male masculinity, my biraciality, and the streets.

It's almost as if aggressive pursuits are the ways in which many angry black men counter societal and communal marginalization, and black (e)masculinity by attempting to claim, own and control other female black bodies.

I know black women generally are confronted by street harassment—fools ogling over their wondrous curves, lacking the civility that you'd expect from any house-trained man — but when comparing my experiences to other black women, I'm always the odd one out because the color of my skin makes me vulnerable in a different way. It serves as fuel to a wildfire.

I feel as if my complexion reads as, "Okay, go. Chase. If unsuccessful, harm."

I'm always the light one standing among dark bodies—often wanting to just blend in—and my skin color has made me feel like I can't establish a respectful, authentic connection with far too many black men unless I give in to unwanted advances.

This has haunted me for over a decade.

Then sometimes I feel like maybe I've conflated the negative attention I receive for my "otherness" or "light-skinnedness" with my womanness and femininity, but alas, I speak on it, because the color of my skin is always front and center.

So, while I recognize that not every single dark-skinned black man is trying to holler at me in the street, for the ones who do, you'll probably never read this, but this is what I'd like to say.

beetlejuice

I've spent a good decade of my life hating you with a passion—hating you because your hey shorties, hey redbones, and hey light skins, don't do anything but make me feel objectified, disempowered, and placed on the wrong type of pedestal for nothing that has to do with what's inside my head.

I hate that you continue to pester me for my number and make lascivious remarks about my hips and the "pretty babies we'll make" until I'm out of your sight, and/or until I'm visibly upset.

Would you speak to your mother, sister, aunt, or grandmother like this? Would you like it if your friends told your mother she had "great dick-sucking lips?"

I hate that you act like you're so desperate for my number that you are relentless in your pursuits and absolutely oblivious to and/or unconcerned with considering how I might be feeling and how your words and actions actually make me want to ready my fists, not spread my legs.

I hate that you think that I'm open game for verbal or even physical assault because of something you idolize, and something I don't.

For something you want, and nothing I'd like to give you.

You've pulled my hair, spit on me, humiliated me on buses and trains, threatened to rape me, and accused me time and time again of "sucking white dick."

I hate that you treat me as property, as if you assume you own my body and I must abide by your every word.

I hate that you think it's okay to treat me this way because you think I've rejected you because your skin's darker than mine, and for the same reason, I'm therefore fair game for bullying.

I hate that I've allowed you to upset me, and even more so that when I've decided to ignore you, all these sweet catcalls quickly morph into you "yellowass bitch," and "you probably like white boys."

I hate that despite my relatively conservative style, I fear sporting shorts, or a moderately low-cut top on a hot day, and forgo comfort so that you don't make me feel uncomfortable.

I no longer think about whether or not I'm an attractive woman.

I want to feel safe and secure in my body, and be able to embrace my womanhood and whoever I am without unwarranted and biased feedback from you.

But most of all, I hate that you are the standard by which I've fought not to judge every black man that passes me in public, unless he's well-spoken or wearing a suit.

No Asian, Latino, or white man has ever abused me for my skin color after being denied. I assume with all of you the goal is the same—to get my number and get in my pants. I abhor all of this attention, but notice a particular rancor, venom when the words leave your mouth.

I hate that you're the only type of man who continues to treat me this way, and I hate that you feel you have to.

I'd also like to say something else…

I'm sorry that you don't see how beautiful I think you are before you attack me.

I'm sorry that you feel so low, so emasculated by a racist society, that you have reduced your sexuality, your cheap notion of creating intimacy, to badgering me and other black women for our numbers on the street.

I'm sorry that in white society, and within our own communities your beauty is not always uplifted and praised.

I'm sorry that black media too often promotes a Eurocentric standard that subconsciously conditions you to chase women that are light, bright, and damn-near white, reminding you that you should not chase women that are a reflection of you, and that you should not appreciate women that are a reflection of you.

I'm sorry that you assume that because I refuse you my number and time, that you are not "man enough" and feel defeated.

I'm sorry that you think I don't want you because your skin is darker than mine.

beetlejuice

And then maybe I've also not escaped the twisted Eurocentricity of beauty ideals in modern society. I've been mistreated and abused so badly that sometimes I just forget that I might just be attractive… but I still take issue with the "compliments" that never cease to remind me of the same person I see in the mirror every day.

And when I look in the mirror, never do I feel better, or more beautiful because I'm a lighter shade of brown.

I don't think dark-skinned men pursue fairer women because they simply believe they're more beautiful. There is a historical basis for associating light with all things good, and implicit in favoring all things fair, there is the presumption that having dark skin is less beautiful, less valuable.

Ultimately I believe education, nurturing strong family and communal ties, and cultivating a strong cultural identity are crucial to strengthening the self-esteem of dark-skinned black men and women, and black people. Seeing more dark-skinned men in more prominent roles in movies, television, and other forms of media is also important.

As I've learned on my own journey, self-awareness is often born out of self-education. No one ever discussed this in a classroom until I got to college, but even then, there weren't enough of us having this conversation in the same space.

Still, I firmly believe there comes a time when age should foster some kind of personal responsibility.

Knowledge is available outside the classroom, and when I see many black men striving to heal systematic, intergenerational, and emotional trauma, I have faith that all is not lost.

Today I no longer believe that my old biases negatively affect the relationships I have with dark-skinned black men. It took a lot for me to date a black man, and when I did, he helped heal a part of my soul, that you destroyed.

If anything, a self-taught awareness of the interpersonal issues that affect black relationships and communities have strengthened the ones I have formed and seek to create in my adult life.

Nonetheless, in every group, there are always assholes. I'd much rather open up a dialogue, because I'm willing to listen, but I'm not going to be the scapegoat for black men's insecurities around being dark-skinned in America. I have my own. It does nothing for black people, it does nothing for me, and it does nothing for you.

I've done all the work I can do.

(Some of ) My dark-skinned brothers, your move. TC mark

Featured image – Ira Bostic / Shutterstock

This post originally appeared at Medium’s Those People.

13 Men Justify Why It’s Okay To Go To Strip Clubs, Even Though They Have Girlfriends

Posted: 28 Jul 2015 11:20 AM PDT

1. “My girlfriend gets tired of having sex with me. She won't admit it. But it's true, particularly after a long day of work. My urges, though, never subside. To borrow a line from Dexter, my sex drive is my ‘dark passenger’ and I literally see pink everywhere and I have to find a way to release it. Otherwise, I'll go crazy and just think about sex until my head explodes. I think my girlfriend would also break up with me because she would feel way too much like a sex doll. I'm doing us all a favor. I know no one will believe me, but my desire for women is like a disease. ”

— Patrick, 26

beetlejuice

2. “I have a system to all of this to stay in the morally safe zone. I'll never initiate going to a strip club. One of my friends has to do it and it's just a guys’ night then that wasn't my idea. Luckily I hang out with a lot of creepy guys and probably go once a month.”

— Daniel, 23

beetlejuice

3. “Listen, the kind of girl guys like me want to find at a strip club is a unicorn. She doesn't exist in real life. Actually, she doesn't exist in the club once they turn the lights on. It's all an illusion of sexiness, whereas my wife is a real person that I love till death do us part or whatever. Uh, when I hit a club I don't even feel like I'm cheating at all. I'm in a fantasy. I don't expect my wife to understand this and I don't even try to explain to her what going to a club like this is like for me. She would not take it the right way and freak out over nothing.”

— Kevin, 43

beetlejuice

4. “If my girlfriend and her friends would get naked and jack me off for $600, I would pay them to do it. But that's not my relationship. That's not my reality. That's not the world I inherited. She won't even do that on my birthday if I paid her 2k. Ergo strip club.”

— Hall, 24

beetlejuice

5. “I don’t really enjoy a strip club. I’d much rather be at a bar failing to pick up girls than paying someone to dry-hump me. Paying for sex is stupid. I genuinely believe this and still find myself at strip clubs at least 3-4 times a year and blowing my whole paycheck. Men are just animals—at least all the men I know.”

— Luther, 28

beetlejuice

6. “As I think about this, I don't think I can really justify my relationship with strip clubs except to just straight-up admit I chase paid pussy like an addict. I have had a few trips to Las Vegas, Tampa, Atlanta, you name it, for no other purpose than to hang out at strip clubs. On one bender, I ended up paying a stripper to leave with me, fuck her, and then the next day we flew to Miami for an impromptu vacation. It's just so easy and some of the girls are just that hot. If you have the money to be with all these beautiful women, why the hell aren't you going to take advantage of it? Like who wouldn't? What is wrong with you? I'm sure your wife is hot, but so are a million other women you've never seen before. And soon you’re going have to pump your dick with Viagra to get hard, and then you will be dead. I also justify it by saying it's not like I'm going to sketchy places. Plus, I tip really well. I'm sure some of the girls think I'm a total asshole and cringe at some of the moments I’ve had with strippers, but I always am of the mind that you should overpay. My Yelp score for being a john would be pretty high.

Oh, wait, another justification is just that almost all rich people do this. You can take the most tween liberal celebrity or the most conservative pro-family politician and they all fucking engage in it. They really do, particularly the rich and famous because the only way they cannot feel used sometimes is to just ensure the transaction is a transaction, among other reasons. It’s sort of sad but most of the time it’s just the ultimate luxury. It’s a shame there is such a stigma about it and surprising how few incidents surface to the public.”

— Gabe, 30

beetlejuice

7. “Sometimes things get a little boring and you need a little inspiration, you know? Whenever I go to a club, she benefits from the extra ‘oomph’ in my performance. It's really a ‘win-win’ for both of us.”

— Ross, 34

beetlejuice

8. Because of my work I travel a lot to places like Japan, Germany, Vietnam, I've been all over. Each and every place I got I end up going to a strip club with the guys from whatever branch I'm visiting. My wife knows that I go and I've always justified it to her by saying that I'm expected to go and that it would put everything we've built together at risk if I snubbed these guys. All that's true but I have to admit that when drunk I've made more than my fair share of poor decisions and I've cheated nearly half a dozen times over the last year, three times with the same girl. But I figure as long as I love my wife and I'm playing it safe then what she doesn't know won't hurt her.”

— Thomas,  42

beetlejuice

9. “The stripper look is sexy. I don’t even need a lap dance. I walk into a room and there are a bunch of girls draped in makeup and walking around in thongs and bras? Heaven.”

— Jay,  27

beetlejuice

10. “The way I see it is no penetration, no intimacy. What's really wrong with that? To be honest, I wouldn't mind if my girlfriend paid for some guy to act out some fantasy she wanted as long as she wasn't getting fucked, the connection was only about the cash, and she never saw him again. It's 2015. Why are we still such prudes?”

— Evan,  27

beetlejuice

11. YOLO.

— Kent,  24

beetlejuice

12. “I spent most of my twenties as an American in Europe, so my experience is a bit different. When I would go to clubs my goal would be to become friends with the go-go dancers and waitresses. I'm not a great-looking dude, but I would just be chill and become their friends and they would end up just smoking cigarettes with me on break and even buying me drinks. It's rare for a dude to just act chill in there and they appreciate it. I'm still friends with a lot of those girls on Facebook today and almost dated one of the go-go girl dancers. Truth is, though, I would have sex with girls in the brothel when they were busy. I'm a derelict.”

— Johnny, 36

beetlejuice

13. “I brought my girlfriend to a strip club in San Francisco. They loved her. They gave her drugs. She ended up making out with the strippers and has no recollection of it. On the one hand, it’s this kind of awful memory, and at the same time it’s one of my fondest memories. She seemed to really enjoy it, but still refuses to admit she made out with a stripper. So my justification is that my girlfriend gets further at strip clubs than I do. How can what I do be so bad? I don’t do drugs and make out with strippers. They just take advantage of me and steal my money so I can look at their boobs. I’m a good guy. She’s the bad one. Heh.”

— Kyle, 27 TC mark

Horror At The Amusement Park: 13 Gruesome Roller-Coaster Deaths

Posted: 28 Jul 2015 03:09 PM PDT

Big Dipper roller coaster in Battersea, England, site of the deadliest roller-coaster accident in history. Wikimedia Commons
Big Dipper roller coaster in Battersea, England, site of the deadliest roller-coaster accident in history. (Wikimedia Commons)

I certainly don’t want to ruin anyone’s summertime fun, but you need to know that there’s a very slight chance you could get KILLED on an amusement-park ride this summer. Just as with love and war, amusement parks are all fun and games until somebody winds up dead.

According to the US Consumer Product Safety Commission, an average of 4.5 Americans died every year on amusement-park rides from 1987-2000. Between the years 1994 and 2004, 22 Americans lost their lives on roller coasters as a result of mechanical failure or operator errors. This means you’re more likely to die on a roller coaster than you are to be eaten alive by a shark. So if you’re at some beach resort that has a boardwalk with rides, you’re safer throwing yourself to the sharks.

Here are 13 cases where people came seeking a temporary thrill but wound up permanently dead.

1. Deadliest Roller-Coaster Accident In World History: 5 Children Dead On England’s “Big Dipper” Wooden Roller Coaster, 1972.

England’s Battersea Park Fun Fair had been operating for 20 years with the creaky old wooden coaster the “Big Dipper” its main attraction until one day in late May 1972 when the rope that carries cars to the top of a hill snapped, sending several cars careening backward and ultimately crushing five children to death. Thirteen others were injured. The Big Dipper was shut down, and the park followed suit two years later.

2. Deadliest Roller-Coaster Accident In American History: 4 Dead On Nebraska’s “Big Dipper” Wooden Roller Coaster, 1930.

Protip: If you ever see a roller coaster that calls itself the “Big Dipper,” run screaming in the opposite direction. Omaha, Nebraska’s Krug Park was home to another “Big Dipper” that wound up crushing four people to death in July 1930 when a brake malfunction caused several cars to fall 35 feet to the ground. An additional 19 people were injured. Omaha promptly passed a law banning roller coasters within city limits.

3. Woman Falls 75 Feet Off “Texas Giant” Roller Coaster, Her Blood And Body Tissue Cover A 75-Foot Radius, 2013.

According to several witnesses, 52-year-old Rosa Ayala-Gaona Esparza expressed concern to park workers that she didn’t feel that the safety bar in her car had sufficiently closed before the ride took off, but they dismissed her worries. Her daughter said that early in the ride, she looked behind to see her mother’s head on the floor and her feet up in the air. A few moments later, she saw her mother’s entire body fly out of the car. Ms. Esparza fell 75 feet and onto the roof of the ride’s “Honky Tonk Tunnel,” nearly severing her body in two. Bloodstains and pieces of her tissue were scattered in a 75-foot radius around the point of impact.

4. Three People Die On “World’s Safest Roller Coaster” In Canadian Mall, 1986.

The triple-loop “Mindbender” roller coaster inside West Edmonton Mall was touted as the “world’s safest roller coaster” and one of the “safest rides in the world.” Then one day in June 1986 as a live concert was underway beneath the coaster, four bolts came loose from a wheel assembly and the final car crashed into a concrete pillar, killing three while horrified concertgoers watched.

5. Atlanta Teen Loses Hat On Roller Coaster, Gets Decapitated By Same Roller Coaster While Looking For Hat, 2008.

At Georgia’s Six Flags theme park near Atlanta one day in June 2008, 17-year-old Asia Leeshawn Ferguson lost his hat while riding on Batman: The Ride. After disembarking from the ride, he hopped over two security fences to retrieve his hat, only to be decapitated by the coaster, which was speeding at 50MPH.

Coney Island's Cyclone roller coaster. (Wikimedia Commons)
Coney Island's Cyclone roller coaster. (Wikimedia Commons)

6. Coney Island’s Deadly “Cyclone.”

This is the only coaster on the list I’ve been on, and that was back in the 1980s when it was already creaky and rusty and old and therefore fairly terrifying. The Cyclone was built in 1927 and has been linked to three rider deaths, including a man who stood up from his seat one day in 1985, only to fatally smack his head on a crossbeam.

7. Three Killed on Coney Island’s “Rough Riders” Roller Coaster, 1915.

Back before the world-famous Cyclone was built, Coney Island featured a roller coaster originally called Drop-the-Dip but whose name was changed to honor President Theodore Roosevelt’s legendary Rough Riders. Exactly one hundred years and one day ago, one of the coaster’s cars left the track, flipped, and sent three people plummeting to their death.

8. Japanese Roller Coaster Car Derails, Scrapes Woman’s Head Against A Railing For 300 Yards, 2007.

May 5, 2007—which was Children’s Day in Japan—saw a fatal accident when a stand-up steel roller coaster in Osaka suffered a broken wheel axle, causing the second car to derail and scrape a 19-year-old female university student’s head against a guardrail for over 300 yards, killing her. At least 18 others were injured in the disaster.

Derby Racer roller coaster, Revere Beach, MA. (Wikimedia Commons)
Derby Racer roller coaster, Revere Beach, MA. (Wikimedia Commons)

9. Roller Coaster Kills Roller-Coaster Manufacturer While He’s Giving A Lecture on Roller-Coaster Safety, 1911.

Boston’s “Derby Racer” roller coaster was a dangerous concept out of the gate—it featured two trains on a Figure 8 track racing alongside one another until reaching the bottom of the ride. One day in June 1911 while the roller coaster company’s owner was standing up in a roller coaster car delivering a speech to other passengers about safety, he ironically fell to his death. In 1917, another man fell and got creamed into paste after reaching out of the Derby Racer to retrieve his fallen hat. And in 1929 the Derby Racer claimed its third fatality when a rider was thrown from the train.

10. Roller Coaster Cars Crash To The Ground, Killing Three Iranians, 2001.

In August 2001 at an amusement park west of Tehran, several cars from a roller coaster became derailed and fell crashing to the ground, killing three and injuring four more. Angry visitors, furious at the lax safety precautions that led to these deaths, proceeded to throw rocks and bricks and stones at park buildings.

11. Three-year-old Boy Falls Between Roller-Coaster Cars, Dies Of Multiple Injuries, 2011.

While riding on an indoor kiddie coaster called the Python Pit at a California amusement park called Go Bananas, a three-year-old boy managed to wriggle out from underneath his safety bar, whereupon he fell in between two cars and died from multiple injuries.

12. Six-Year-Old Boy Struck And Killed By “Puff The Little Fire Dragon” Coaster, 1989.

While onboard a kids’ coaster called Puff the Little Fire Dragon at Utah’s Lagoon Amusement Park in 1989, a six-year-old boy fell out of his car and beneath the train tracks. The problem was, the operator sent the train around the track again. As the boy stood up, the car struck him in the head, instantly killing him.

13. Possible Roller-Coaster Suicide In The Philippines, 2009.

A ride attendant at the Star City theme park in the Philippines says that a 37-year-old man quietly inquired whether falling from the coaster could potentially kill someone. He was told that it could. According to multiple witnesses, once the ride started going, the man wriggled out of his harness and willingly plunged to his death. TC mark

The Diet Trend Reddit Is Obsessed With (And Whether It Will Work For You)

Posted: 28 Jul 2015 12:08 PM PDT

If we know anything about dieting and losing weight it’s that though the method is extremely simple (more calories out than calories in), the execution can be incredibly difficult. So difficult, that on the extreme high end, some studies have shown that 95% of diets fail.

Twitter
Twitter

This is true in other areas of life, to be sure. What we know we should do for ourselves is simple: exercise every day, complete all the tasks at our jobs, save money instead of spending it, quit smoking or drinking to excess — we know all the right things to do, the knowledge we lack is how to get ourselves to take the right actions.

To this end, a community on Reddit has become more and more popular by working through a diet that claims to work not just because it accomplishes the simple goal every diet accomplishes (helping people eat less calories than their body expends, resulting in weight loss) but because it helps people feel satisfied enough with what their eating that they can actually stick to it.

Source: Imgur

It’s called Keto and it’s basically a high fat, low carb diet. What excites most people about this is that it’s a diet you can eat bacon on.

Yup. Bacon.

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Advocates of the diet say that by strictly avoiding carbs (keeping their intake between 0-50g per day), they force the body to burn fat for energy rather than it’s preferred source of energy, glucose. Also, because you are not spiking your insulin levels with carbohydrates, you will crave less food.

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Some Reddit users have seen big progress using keto, like this girl:

Source: Imgur

And this couple:

Source: Imgur

Many people say the difference between keto and other weight loss strategies they’ve tried is that they’re able to keep up with the diet because of the satisfying meals they can make.

For instance, look at this delicious keto meal:

Source: Imgur

And this one (“bacon sushi”):

Source: Imgur

And this one (“buffalo chicken jalepeno popper casserole”):

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And keto calzones

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And fried mac n cheese

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You can even do easy meal prep with keto:

Source: Imgur

Or eat fast food.

Today Reddit’s keto community (r/keto) has over 150,000 community members. The community members post daily tips, share progress pics, and help each other through the hurdles of eating a diet that looks different than the way most people eat.

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You might want to read through the community and see if it is right for you. You can read through the community’s comprehensive FAQ here. You might also want to join the subreddit r/ketorecipes to see what yummy things people are creating. TC mark

13 Signs Your Male Best Friend Wants To Have Sex With You

Posted: 28 Jul 2015 08:14 AM PDT

Twenty20 / j_park3r
Twenty20 / j_park3r

1. He’s always eager to remind you that you can crash at his place.

Being drunk at his place at the end of your Saturday night is nothing to be suspicious of, but when he asks you to stay over on a Monday night after you made him watch The Bachelorette finale, he might not mean on his couch.

2. If you pass a Victoria’s Secret, he half jokingly asks if you want to go in and buy something.

This means one thing, he is thinking about you in your panties, and he has definitely thought about getting you out of them.

3. He takes every opportunity to touch you.

He loves to place his hand on the small of your back and lead you out the door. Any excuse he has to touch you he will certainly take advantage of.

4. He asks you about your sex life.

When he casually questions how your love life is, he probably doesn’t want to know who you’re going out to dinner with, he wants to know whether or not you’re having sex, and who you’re having sex with. This allows him to gauge how much of a chance he actually has. If you have no sex at all, he’ll take it as a challenge. If you have sex with only 10s he’ll still take it as a challenge.

5. He talks about his sex life.

He wants to let you know he’s having sex so that you picture him doing it. He most likely thinks you’re going to imagine him as some smooth stallion making a girl orgasm like she never has before, but you probably don’t want to picture him having sex at all. And if you do, you try to remove that image from your head as quickly as possible.

6. You catch him looking at your boobs (a lot).

Or your ass. When he looks at your body in places he can’t touch it’s because he’s imagining what it would be like to be able to do so.

7. He always tells you when he thinks a girl is hot.

When you’re out to eat and he tells you how sexy he thinks the waitress is, he is voicing his honest opinion, but he’s also trying to make you see him in that light. The light of him picking up girls and possibly banging them.

8. He asks whether or not you think certain guys are hot.

When you’re at the bar and he scans the room, and says “How about that guy?” He is trying to see who you’d potentially have sex with, and how he measures up to them. If you say you think a guy is hot who he feels is equally as sexable as he is, he knows he has a chance.

9. Your friends tell you he wants to have sex with you.

You modestly deny it, to avoid sounding like a conceited bitch, but part of you might agree with them when they explain their reasoning.

10. He has casual slips of suggestive language.

When he comes over before you go out and you rush to answer the door in your little dress and heels, he accidentally says, “Damn.” And you secretly love it.

11. He tries to hangout with you at night more often than he does during the day.

When he asks you to dinner and you tell him you’d much rather do lunch, his brutal disappointment speaks for itself. He usually persuades you to hangout at night, and it’s because he has a better chance of sleeping with you after dark than during casual luncheon conversation.

12. He constantly tells you, “You have to see this movie.”

Just so he has an excuse to watch with you, and have as much hand touching as possible when you both reach for the popcorn at the same time.

13. He likes to get you drunk.

You never have to ask if he wants another round because he always ask you first. He’s never apprehensive to buy you your third beer, or fourth. TC mark

28 Times When Tumblr Got Myers-Briggs Right

Posted: 28 Jul 2015 10:44 AM PDT

1. That time when introversion was finally explained.

Capillaries
Capillaries

2. That time when nobody knew about the functions.

intjwoo
intjwoo

3. That time when they gave us a very legitimate warning.

The-Exploding-Unicorn
The-Exploding-Unicorn

4. That time when the types became snakes.

mbtipartyblog
mbtipartyblog

5. That time when someone horrendously misunderstood the point of the MBTI.

intjmuch
intjmuch

6. That time when ENTJs were self aware, at least.

entp-adviceorbust
entp-adviceorbust

7. And that time ISTPs had no shame.

entp-adviceorbust
entp-adviceorbust

8. That time where Jay Z weighed in on the MBTI.

orafuto
orafuto

orafuto
orafuto

9. That time when the wrong types lived together.

tumblr
tumblr

10. That time when INTJs were just too thorough for us.

infpcuddlesintj
infpcuddlesintj

11. That time when the feeling types were finally summarized.

meowastrology
meowastrology

12. That time when INTJs struggled to relate to the rest of us.

misadventureswithintjs
misadventureswithintjs

13. That time MBTI posts got meta.

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mbtipical

14. That time every typologist struggled to date.

kpopmbti
kpopmbti

15. That time tumblr took the MBTI super seriously.

mbtipartyblog
mbtipartyblog

16. That time the ENTP’s inner psyche got torn open.

mbtipartyblog
mbtipartyblog

17. That time they reminded us not to debate with NTs.

one-intp-girl
one-intp-girl

18. That time the INTP’s functions were clarified.

eilamona
eilamona

19. That time an INTP gave the most INTP answer ever.

sillymbti
sillymbti

20. That time INTPs revealed themselves to be robots once and for all.

worldofanentp
worldofanentp

21. That time Fe was explained comprehensively.

sillymbti
sillymbti

22. That time they revealed the truth about why we like Myers-Briggs.

sillymbti
sillymbti

23. That time the rarity of the INFJ was explained.

sillymbti
sillymbti

24. That time ENTPs were trolled by the MBTI.

worldofanentp
worldofanentp

25. That time we finally defined the INTP acronym.

evil-intp
evil-intp

26. That time when we couldn’t just let fruit be fruit.

mellitop
mellitop

27. That time NTs were just not on our level.

enfjmusings
enfjmusings

28. That time when tumblr admitted that it has its own way of defining type.

sillymbti
sillymbti
TC mark

10 Promises Writers Should Make To Themselves To Hang Onto Their Dignity

Posted: 28 Jul 2015 12:56 PM PDT

Flickr, Drew Coffman
Flickr, Drew Coffman

1. I will use social media wisely. If I have work to share, I will share it. But I will never blog/tweet/Facebook about how hard writing is or how many words I wrote today. Nobody cares! And every time I get caught humblebragging ("I am overwhelmed by all the talent here at Yaddo!"), I will donate $10 to PEN.

2. I will not be a dick. Given the following conditions, I will always help other writers: (a) the other writer is deserving of help, that is, not a dick and talented; (b) the request is reasonable; and (c) the request does not greatly infringe upon my own time.

3. I will not surrender my autonomy to gatekeepers. I will not wait around for some magic agent or editor to magically make my career magical, especially when I can be writing, submitting and networking for myself. Nor will I ever (and this is really important) assume that anyone in the publishing business will put my needs above his or her own.

4. I will learn how to say no. I will politely decline unpleasant social obligations whenever possible, especially if they interfere with my writing schedule.

5. I will learn how to say yes. Like most writers, I have a day job. So I don't have much time. However, I will still allow time for rewarding relationships (friends, family, etc.). I will just be clear about my boundaries.

6. I will stay off the Internet when I'm writing. No more, "I'll just look this up quickly for research." If necessary, I will download Internet blocking software or take pen and paper to the park.

7. I will value my work. I will not write for "exposure." I will write for money. If there are exceptions, they will be exceptions that I can live with, for example if it's a short story that I'm happy to get off my desk, or I have something to promote.

I will never blog/tweet/Facebook about how hard writing is or how many words I wrote today.

8. I will keep to a schedule. I will write regularly, even when I don't have a lot of time, for two reasons: (a) so I can actually get some work done; and (b) so that I don't always feel like I should be writing. If all I have is my lunch hour, that's fine, because a few weeks of lunch hours will add up to a draft of a short story or a couple of poems. And then when I'm not writing I can be fully present for my kids or friends or significant other.

9. I will strive for graciousness. "Envy is the central fact of American life," wrote Gore Vidal. But I will not make it the central fact of my life. The best way to avoid the corrosive effects of envy is, counter-intuitively, to accept it: "I am feeling really envious right now, and that's fine." I will try to be outwardly gracious and share the truly venomous feelings only with my journal or my best friend or my spouse. I will also remember that it is possible to feel happy for people.

10. I will value myself. I am not worthless because [check whichever applies:] I haven't yet published. Because I haven't been paid for a story. Because I don't have a book. Because my book didn't go into paperback or it's not a bestseller or I didn't sell the movie rights and so on. I will acknowledge and accept my disappointment. But I will try not let it reinforce a sense of worthlessness. I will instead earn my self-worth through self-discipline and sustaining healthy relationships. TC mark

This post originally appeared at GordonHaber.net.

Game Of Thrones Season Five Wrap Up: The Book vs The Show And Where We’re Going

Posted: 28 Jul 2015 12:46 PM PDT

One of the big disappointments for me (and I'm not the only one) were the Sand Snakes. The book introduces them with separate personalities and styles even from their first moments: Obara the aggressive one (with the spear origin story) wants to declare war, Nymeria the elegant courtly one wants a political coup, and Tyene the sweet poisoner one wants to assassinate some Lannisters–all to get revenge for their father.

Their uncle, the prince of Dorne, locks them up and Arianne, his daughter, kidnaps Myrcella on her own elaborate plan to crown her queen. Only after she fails does Prince Doran reveal what he's been planning – a plot deeper and more cunning than Arianne's, that will take true revenge on the Lannister regime.

In the show, this plot line was tightened to the Snakes grabbing Myrcella out of the palace, making it about ten steps, and getting thrown in prison. Certainly, trimming down some of the complex Dornish plots (which all end in various failures) makes sense, as does substituting Jamie and Bronn for a forgettable Kingsguard. But Prince Doran has lost the deep game he was playing (probably) and the Sand Snakes are shallow caricatures. Only Mrycella appeared interesting at all. Then, when she and Jaime had that sweet happy moment, we knew what was coming.


Book five ends with Nymeria the Courtier Sand Snake heading to King's Landing to take that Council Seat, not the young, rather dull prince of lovesickness. Some of us, delighted by mouthy Lady Olenna, would have been happy to see an aggressive woman on the council (assuming she doesn't get waylaid on the way of course). The other Sand Snakes of the books go out to play politics with the sweetest one, Tyene, infiltrating the High Sparrow's world, Obara leading a Kingsguard knight into a trap, daughter number four, Sarella, "playing a game" disguised as a male student in the Citadel, where Sam's going, and one of the youngest having dragon dreams. One assumes that these show Sand Snakes won't be doing all this, though it's been mentioned there are eight.

Daenerys's flight was lovely, though she appeared to abandon her best friends to be torn apart – in the books the friends were in no danger when she took off. Having Jorah be the pit fighter was extra-dramatic and everyone likes that Tyrion had a chance to meet the dragon queen – in the books they're still stuck tantalizingly near the city when the brazen beasts in their masks start to turn on Daenerys's rule. She appears to end the season with one dead fiancĂ© and one living paramour, which works out for her if not for the politics.

danygiphy

Tyrion and Varys with Grey Worm and Missandei ruling a city on the brink of revolution that hates their Western culture is intriguing, a glowing step for the characters and something to enjoy next season.

Arya is doing well. It's fun for fans that she's taught by Jaqen, not a new character (though the face switching makes both of these facts less-than-certain, actually). It's also fun that she keeps her “Arya Stark” persona close and abandons her duty to kill Meryn Trant off her nightly list – something that happens in a released chapter from book six with a different petty villain on her list. In both, Arya slightly seduces her victim – this girl is growing up from asexual child to adolescent. And brutally murdering people of course.

The Cersei-Margaery plot is proceeding about right. Tommen (nine in the books but now seriously aged up until he seems older than Joffrey) is completely useless as king. All right, he doesn't have much experience. But Joffrey wouldn't put up with this kind of treatment from the church. Certainly, all those in charge are taken aback by the power of this non-compliant High Septon who points out shockingly that the rich only rule through the consent of the poor. Even Olenna is getting smacked down by the High Sparrow as for the first time she realizes a French Revolution could happen on her doorstep. And Littlefinger, as always, has a sneaky card to play. One assumes one of his games might include marrying Sansa to Loras, after Ramsay Bolton gets killed.

Fans were shocked when Sansa wed Ramsay Snow – in the books, it's a minor character to have this role and it's Theon's story about finding his inner heroism even after all he's endured. Since the wedding, fans waited through a drawn-out sequence for Brienne and Theon to finally rescue her…something that lingered for quite a few episodes. Last season, the dark Lady Macbeth-Sansa claimed her power, using Littlefinger and the lords of the Vale instead of continuing to be a puppet. (In the books she's a full season behind, still in the Vale and still following Littlefinger's orders as he schemes).

However, the Sansa who marries into the Bolton-Frey family that murdered her mother and brother, then quietly walks into Ramsay's bedroom (does she have any plan at all?) has lost a lot of agency, even before Ramsay starts torturing. One might argue that she has no choice, but between options like smuggling in a knife or poisoned purple necklace, calling Brienne, and a move like Catelyn's wonderful public recruitment of Riverlands knights in season one (simply because she knows she's on her own turf and can call for help as Sansa could have done at her wedding ceremony) Sansa has reverted to pawn and plaything. In episode ten, she wears dragonfly clips, a nod to the dragonfly jewelry she wears while helpless and evanescent in King's Landing. She appears to still be that girl – a disappointment for us all.


In the finale, an awful lot of characters got Rains-of-Castamered. Of course, the minute that song plays, everyone on-screen is in trouble. Next season we have Cersei, Margaery, and Loras on trial (unless some of them strike a deal). Of course one battle of Loras vs. the scary possibly headless Frankenstein knight back from the dead could settle it all, though Cersei's last surviving child might finally turn against her. Cersei, of course, is set to go ballistic when she hears about her daughter.

Jon Snow's plot stretched out all season, as the orphan kid Olly glared at him in every scene. The enemy gains a face in Night's King, the leader of the wights, who also glares at Jon in their encounters. He, like Olenna and Cersei, needed to pull back on the grandiose plans and notice what was happening right next to him. The web is overflowing with speculation on how dead Jon is or isn't. Of course, options besides resurrection (thanks to Ghost, Bran, Melisandre, or the Wall) include his transforming into his wolf, becoming a wight, or even taking a season off. We shall see.

wightsnow

Stannis's plot certainly wrapped up as he escalates to burning people he doesn't care for to people with king's blood to finally burning his only heir (making his kingship beside his barren wife a bit pointless, but this one was clearly foreshadowed). Mr. Stubborn has proved a complete reluctance to turn back and a willingness to do Melisandre's dictates, so there we are. Viewers didn't see the death blow, but producers have confirmed that he really is really dead. Now Melisandre is left on the Wall, and Davos is a possible loose end – the completely loyal knight without a master. Of course, if he's done with politics, he could certainly take the Black (though in the books his wife and surviving kids are still a draw).

As for the multi-sided war, since the Boltons are allied with the Starks, it seems over until Daenerys arrives. The books emphasize that as each king dies, another rises to take their place and continue the fight. Book five has pretenders from the east with mercenaries, while Stannis still fights on in the North. Of course, we've yet to hear from Theon's family, who appear to have been cast for next season. Yara's book five butt-kicking plot, as she becomes a conqueror in the North, has vanished, and after her brave announcement that she'll tear the North apart and bring her brother home, she only engaged in one quick failed attempt then vanished from the screen. One hopes she'll get a nice big arc in season six. Theon's family plot may come out much like Dorne – one veteran character introduces a group of new ones, then they try a coup that's basically self-contained and has little effect on the outside plot except to make Cersei angry that more upstarts want her throne. The Greyjoy plot is nearly the only book plot not yet covered (aside from some like Lady Stoneheart and Aegon Targaryen that appear canceled altogether), so fans expect it in season six.

Other people cast appear to be Sam's family, who live quite close to his destination of Oldtown. We're eager to see Sam the Slayer face down the father who planned to kill him as an utter waste and forbade him to be a maester (a truly stubborn and cruel decision that would have solved his and Sam's problems together). He is of course trying to solve the mystery of the ice wights and the ultimate conflict to come – perhaps he will succeed in time. As we all know, Winter is coming – and by now it's basically here. TC mark

Get more #GoT in Valerie’s latest book here.

MYTHOLOGYinGAMEOFTHRONES-1

You’re In A Relationship… But Wondering If Your Lover Secretly Hates You?

Posted: 28 Jul 2015 08:10 AM PDT

hi

1. They do things to keep you out of synch with them and on a completely different wavelength. Does your partner do a juice cleanse without you? Get drunk frequently with his friends while you're home sober? Or go to sleep early to avoid having to have pillow talk? Maybe goes to a concert without telling you first. Sometimes these things can happen innocently but with enough consistency they're explicit signs with an explicit message: they want to mark their independence from you.

2. They change their passwords, or become reticent about their private lives. People can have harmless secrets and sometimes having a few secrets can make your relationship healthier — you need a part of you reserved just for you, or something benign that you can keep a secret and reveal after 20 years of marriage. However, a complete lockdown, particularly if you once knew their passwords, is a silent but aggressive move that communicates quite plainly you're excommunicated from their private life, and maybe soon even their whole life. 

3. They undermine you socially, and from to time test your limits by softly flirting with other people. You secretly hate your lover if you go to a party and spend the whole night chatting with other people. Or even more aggressive: you post photos of yourself with potential mates on social media that have "soft" flirt air that while completely innocent still makes your blood boil with a tinge of jealousy because something just feels off about it. Shouldn't they only be posting photos like that with you? Yeah, probably.

4. They don't want to talk about the future. If you're over 25, and your significant other doesn't want to talk about the future or gives you a snarl when you talk about wanting to have kids with them, then, they at best really haven't made up their mind about you, and at worst secretly despise you and are only with you until someone “better” comes along.

5. They objectify you as a way to whitewash your personality. Objectification doesn't need to only be sexual. You can objectify a personality, too. You can objectify someone by forcing them to wear a certain brand of clothing, a certain cologne, or even act in a certain kind of way (e.g., constant nagging like: why can't you be more like Ryan Gosling's character in The Notebook, or get in shape Chris Pratt did). You should bend for your partner from time to time but if all they want you to do is be someone that you naturally aren't, then they probably have a lot resentment for you. Control isn't love. It’s an expression of dissatisfaction with your current state.

6. They don't look at you with admiration. This is abstract but it's a death by a thousand paper cuts sort of a thing: a million micro-aggressions they throw at you everyday that adds and communicates they just don't respect you anymore. A few examples: you talk about your dreams — they zone out. You say something meaningful — they roll their eyes. You offer them your sweatshirt when it's cold — they reject it. Oh, and they sigh a lot at your behavior.

7. They threaten to break up with you all the time. This is more clear cut than secret but from time to time in fights we go nuclear. But if every time you get in a fight the answer your significant other keeps throwing your way is "this relationship is over" than guess what it's going be over soon, and you better drop their ass before you take anymore of this BS another day. TC mark

Here Are The Best Reviews So Far From The Yelp Page Of The Doctor That Killed Cecil The Lion

Posted: 28 Jul 2015 11:38 AM PDT

UPDATE: Walter Palmer has publically acknowledged he killed Cecil The Lion. Click here for more details.

The 13-year-old lion, lovingly referred to as Cecil The Lion, was the main attraction for Zimbabwe’s majestic Hwange National Park. A carcass of a decapitated and skinned lion was found earlier this July, and the park rangers revealed that it was the body of Cecil. The Zimbabwe Conservation Task Force released a statement explaining that hunters had lured the lion outside of of the protected zone of the national park using bait.

The ZCTF named Walter Palmer — a Minnesotan dentist — as the man who shot and killed Cecil The Lion. Zimbabwean police have confirmed that Dr. Palmer may be facing poaching charges. His guides have since been arrested and they are due in court, facing a 15-year sentence if found guilty of poaching.

Walter Palmer’s Yelp page and Google Reviews page are currently under siege by outraged individuals — Dr. Palmer’s professional website and Facebook page have since been shut down. TC mark

beetlejuice

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Yelp / River Bluff Dental
Yelp / River Bluff Dental

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Yelp / River Bluff Dental

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Yelp / River Bluff Dental
Yelp / River Bluff Dental

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Yelp / River Bluff Dental
Yelp / River Bluff Dental

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Yelp / River Bluff Dental
Yelp / River Bluff Dental

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Yelp / River Bluff Dental

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Yelp / River Bluff Dental
Yelp / River Bluff Dental

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Yelp / River Bluff Dental
Yelp / River Bluff Dental

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Yelp / River Bluff Dental
Yelp / River Bluff Dental

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Yelp / River Bluff Dental
Yelp / River Bluff Dental

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Yelp / River Bluff Dental
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Yelp / River Bluff Dental
Yelp / River Bluff Dental

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Yelp / River Bluff Dental
Yelp / River Bluff Dental

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Yelp / River Bluff Dental

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Yelp / River Bluff Dental
Yelp / River Bluff Dental

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Yelp / River Bluff Dental
Yelp / River Bluff Dental

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Yelp / River Bluff Dental
Yelp / River Bluff Dental

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Yelp / River Bluff Dental
Yelp / River Bluff Dental

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Yelp / River Bluff Dental
Yelp / River Bluff Dental