Thought Catalog


This Is The Kind Of Sex That Got Him To Commit

Posted: 02 Aug 2015 12:47 PM PDT

Shutterstock Alta Oosthuizen
Shutterstock Alta Oosthuizen

The permanent problem of the modern woman is that what men what from women (sex) has become easier to obtain and abundant while what women want from men (love) is harder to get than ever. It’s not that women don’t like sex or that men don’t appreciate the less primal aspects of a long term relationship, it’s just that men are hunters and without the immediate need to pursue something Official, they lack the motivation to do the work a relationship takes.

This made things hard for me. I always liked sex but the truly thrilling encounter with a random hookup was an exception to the rule of quick, dispassionate, dudes that fucked with a formula and were too inhibited about it to make it a memorable experience. It’s weird to say that men don’t know how to enjoy sex but a lot of them don’t. They’re so hung up on getting it that they don’t know how to slow down and enjoy the actual Event. They can’t be themselves or relax or say or do anything that they think might upset their ability to get sex, so everything is colored by this frantic energy. It’s what makes casual sex often not worth the hassle.

My current boyfriend, Kyle, was such a standout. He wasn’t needy, he didn’t want on eggshells, worried I’d turn out to be a tease. He was slow and confident. We teased each other. We met on Facebook which is surprising only because he turned out to be so quality. You never think a random “hey, you’re so and sos friend and seem cool” message is anything but weird. But Kyle is attractive and sure of himself and has this electric intensity about him when he speaks. He makes you want to pay attention. He makes you lose yourself in him.

The first time we met I couldn’t believe the way he made me feel. I’d catch myself trailing my fingers along my neck while he spoke, a classic sign of female interest. It was too obvious, and he noticed, but I couldn’t help myself. It’s probably what made him confident enough to lean up next to me and say into my ear, “I’m going to fuck you tonight.”

We laughed about it later, when his cock was inside me, how he knew what was going to happen when he saw me blushing at the bar, how I hoped that’s what would happen when his whisper made me shift in my seat.

That’s what made our sex so good, we were always laughing and talking. When it was really intense, we’d let it be intense, but this way we could spend hours (or days) in bed. And it was fun and so sexy and truly, there’s nothing I would rather be doing. I wasn’t thinking about lists of what I had to do or remember to buy at the store, I was fully and deliciously present in each of those moments.

But true to female form I wanted more. I wasn’t happy with our casual status. If things were so great now, why wouldn’t a future together be the goal? I just wanted that to be the goal unless we had a good reason not to consider it at all.

Always my equal, Kyle never gave in to what I wanted unless it was also what worked for him. Our arrangement was fine the way it was, what impetus was there to change it? He didn’t understand that the security made it sexy for me, it made it feel more real. And that’s where the idea struck. If security made it sexy for me, I could communicate that to him. I could show him that if the idea of being Boyfriend and Girlfriend meant more work, it also more… other stuff. More freedom to explore each other, more nights together, more everything. The comfort I felt with him meant more comfort in being vulnerable, which is a requirement of certain kinds of sex acts.

I’d never had a threesome. Well, at least not with two girls. I knew it was like, every guy ever’s fantasy, so what better way to show Kyle the reward loop associated with commitment?

One morning when we were getting ready, I mentioned it to him. I’ve always been curious about being with another woman, but I’d only be able to do it if the guy could make me feel really comfortable. I nonchalantly offered up the bait, and phrased it like a challenge, IF you could make me feel this way then, threesome. I let him go to work and think about that all day. It was only a few hours before he texted, So, how exactly do I make you feel more comfortable?

3dblockshuge

The event itself was simple enough to set up. I had a stripper friend (go big or go home, right?) who was a bit crazy and sexual and up for anything and everything. It was this personality that made her attractive enough to me that I really wanted to experiment with her even though I wasn’t into women in general. She had long blonde hair and big boobs and she laughed like crazy at everything in a way that made you feel warm and happy.

We went to a fancy hotel bar and drank too much champagne and we felt good and happy and silly. The whole scene was so exotic. We were dressed up for the occasion and I felt like I was living someone else’s life, or like it was a glimpse of what mine could be like. This beautiful, vibrant woman was making eyes at me and Kyle who I loved and who excited me so much was there, more quiet than usual, I think because he was a bit overwhelmed with how turned on he was. Or maybe just focusing on what was happening, committing it to memory.

I could feel his eyes on me as I twisted her blonde hair in my fingers, pulling her closer. We were giggling as our lips touched. Her tongue was in my mouth at the bar, I remember that because I thought, “a stripper’s tongue is in my mouth at the bar, how weird.” And then I remember Kyle’s hand on my back while we stumbled into the elevator, still laughing, this time with an appreciative audience of older business men, to whom I’m sure we appeared to be Kyle’s paid company for the evening.

In our room, I tasted a woman for the first time. She was so clean. Her skin was soft and everything tasted so much better than it did on a man (sorry). She was more responsive, too. When my tongue touched her she twitched and moved and arched her back and gasped and screamed.

When I looked up I realized Kyle was getting head from her. I had one sobering pang of jealousy before I embraced my role in the event. Sliding my middle finger inside her I circled it around in the way that always worked for me and watched as her sudden increase in pleasure traveled up her body to her mouth where her moans were suffocated by Kyle’s cock. It was crazy to stimulate him through another person, to see my touch travel from her to him.

We spent a good amount of time like this, trading off who was helping who get off. My friend flitted off a few hours later, having had her fill and wanting to sleep in her own bed. When Kyle and I woke up in the morning, we felt closer than ever. We were a team. We had secrets together. We had fun together. We challenged ourselves together.

Maybe there should be a new saying, couples that get girls off together… stay together? TC mark

15 Ways ‘Almost Relationships’ Make Life Better

Posted: 02 Aug 2015 10:29 AM PDT

tygreenbiker
tygreenbiker

1. Dancing along the margin between dating and not dating someone makes you feel alive with possibility, whether or not entering into a relationship IRL seems at all possible.

2. Who doesn’t want to be wanted? No one. Feeling wanted and/or wanting someone—even if you never act on those emotions—is adrenaline inducing.

3. Almost dating someone lets you anticipate what it would be like to be their significant other—to hold each other, have sex, exchange I love you's, and build a life together—without actually taking the plunge.

4. As you imagine your would-be relationship, you get to craft every detail of the story starring you and your almost boyfriend or girlfriend, as if directing your very own romantic comedy.

5. But without actually going through the motions of getting to know someone and falling for them, or dealing with the insecurity, embarrassment, jealousy and other issues that tend to arise along the way.

6. Let's face it: Anticipating something is often more rewarding than the real thing. Just think about how excited you were in the weeks leading up to your last vacation, or the run-up to a special occasion you were eager to celebrate.

7. Unconstrained by the burdens of reality—namely, those sticky problems that inevitably develop between people who do get together—an almost relationship is a precious vat of beautiful hypotheticals.

8. When you ask yourself a series of What Ifs about someone you maybe could have loved, your answers will taste deliciously mysterious. It’s impossible to know for sure what may or may not have happened between people who never got together, but wondering is fun.

9. These unsolved romantic mysteries are satisfying in the same way the "I'm about to orgasm" feeling that precedes climax is. They're intensely personal and intoxicating, but without ever being actualized.

10. The reward is in longing, a potent aphrodisiac. Better to experience “blue balls” than never to be turned on, right?

11. If you're close enough with someone to toe the line between dating and not-dating, there's something there—something very human worth holding onto, even if things were always one-sided, or remain unresolved.

12. An almost relationship is a form of perpetual pleasure delay, and being teased is the best kind of foreplay.

13. The greatest ones are laced with all the right ingredients for sexual fantasies.

14. Which may or may not inspire you to jump your actual partner’s bones one day and lead to mind-blowing sex. (Word to the wise: If and when an almost relationship makes you horny, never admit that to your significant other).

15. The best part? No one you never dated can ever dump you. TC mark

17 Men Explain Why They Prefer Casual Relationships (And What You Could Do To Change Their Mind)

Posted: 02 Aug 2015 08:06 AM PDT

lloydtheabstrac
lloydtheabstrac

Jesse,29


My thought process is based off my past experiences and relationships. I’m an entrepreneur and work a ton. Most girls I’ve dated did not like that very much. It really is for their own sake. They all say they are cool with it at the beginning but it inevitably becomes an issue.

What would change this?

If a girl had a similar lifestyle to me — if she was focused on career then I could be pretty sure that she wouldn’t get mad at me for spending so much time on work. It might work then.


Mark,23


I only look for casual relationships because I’m movie at the end of the summer.

What would change this?

If I fell in love with a girl and really couldn’t live without her I don’t know… even if we gave it a try and did long-distance, I know it would fail eventually. I don’t want to do that.


Carson, 28


The reason I’m not looking for anything so serious is because I just don’t have time to have a serious relationship so I feel like it’s unfair to the other person involved if I can’t spend a ton of time with them. I work two jobs plus spend time with my kids from my previous relationship. I truly am too busy — but I miss spending time with the opposite sex.

What would change this?

For me it would happen slowly. If I was casually dating someone for a long time and it just worked out well. Then it would become more serious.


Tim, 24


It’s not that I don’t want a relationship… but more that I haven’t found someone serious enough about having one. It’s very rare to find the perfect package.

What would change this?

Finding her!


Dan, 25


I’m just in a rut right now. I just want an outlet. Yes, that sounds shallow and ignores underlying issues, but I like it. I need to focus on what my goals are for the long term. I know that it’s nice to feel needed, and to find someone with whom you can share many things. That doesn’t mean sharing everything, because some things are hard to communicate or verbalize, and just need time to be processed.

What would change this?

I think a girl that can allow a day to pass without a phone call or a text shows a level of confidence and understanding that is too attractive to pass up.

3dblockshuge


Russ, 19


It’s less about “casual sex” and more about the fact that I own two businesses and am a single dad.

What would change this?

I haven’t met a lady yet who will tolerate a man who puts his kids first when it comes to a relationship…I’m open to suggestions.


Sean, 23


I just got out of the world’s worst marriage. My wife was controlling and angry and I just feel battered down right now. A relationship isn’t appealing because I’m scared to get stuck in another situation like this but I want sex and someone to hang out and have fun with, so a casual relationship is better.

What would change this?

If through the process of casual dating I met someone who was very loving and made me believe a long term relationship could work between two people again, I’d be open to it at that point.


Jeff, 27


Most chics you run into are boring, can’t keep a conversation — which makes it harder to get a connection. And with no connection, I’m definitely not thinking of a relationship.

What would change this?

It would change for the right girl.


Marc, 26


I think this is what most women want too, they just don’t want to come off like a slut, so they use the relationship line. Judging from my past experiences, you know.

What would change this?

Definitely a girl who could keep a meaningful convo via text or email is a plus, show you are looking to start off casual and not pressure a guy into a relationship. Me personally, I like a girl who is submissive, witty, and has positive vibes.


Jay, 28


I’m in a rut right now and I want a release. That sounds shallow, but I like it.

What would change this?

I need to refocus on my long term goals. I know that it’s nice to feel needed, and to find someone with whom you can share many things. I just need time to process my life until I’m ready for this.


Aaron, 22


In the long run, of course I would like to find the right long term relationship. Right now… it’s complicated. I don’t think I’m technically cheating, but I’m not exactly single.

What would change this?

Be yourself, don’t get a chip on your shoulder, and don’t settle.

3dblockshuge


Rick, 23


It seems hard to get to know a woman nowadays. It seems like every woman has like 20 guys talking to her. I’d love a more serious relationship, I’m open to that, but I don’t know how to meet one.

What would change this?

Give me a chance.


Tom, 31


I got divorced last year and it just doesn’t seem worth the drama to have a serious relationship when I can just have one or two casual ones. It’s cheaper and takes less time and energy. I know I will want to settle down again one day, but not anywhere in the near future. I just want to be free and have fun right now.

What would change this?

Invent a time machine.


Johnny, 25


I want to be rich in the future so I’m putting everything I have into my career right now. I’m literally always working and it’s paying off in some ways, but I know I have a long road ahead of me. It would not be worth it for me right now to step away from the hours I want to spend working towards my future for something that might end up being temporary.

What would change this?

If I was with someone that respected my goals and was okay with being #2 in my life, it might work.


Adam, 24


Most girls my age just want to party. I’m an old soul or something, I think partying is trashy and gross.

What would change this?

I would settle down with a girl who was more of a wife-type woman and less of a party girl.


Landon, 28


Honestly? I’m just lazy. I don’t want a relationship because it’s a lot of pressure and work. Why bother? A casual relationship is good enough for me. I’m pretty low-maintenance and I’m perfectly happy with things the way they are.

What would change this?

I can see changing if a girl was the type to really make me want me to, but I also don’t really see it happening. I like my life the way it is.


Kyle, 27


I don’t know what it is about sex and relationships that most women have a problem with. I practice relationship anarchy because “relationships” tend to be extremely draining and unfulfilled for both parties. It’s a huge cat and mouse game.

What would change this?

I’m not here to be anybody’s Dr. Phil. Let’s talk about what, if anything, the girl has to offer ME casually or in a relationship. TC mark

If You Want To Date Me, Treat Me Like Shit

Posted: 02 Aug 2015 08:24 AM PDT

Flickr / marco monetti
Flickr / marco monetti

I log onto Tinder. I swipe left, left, left, and then maybe a right. I actually read the text blurbs, because in addition to wanting someone with a perfect body, I also require a perfect wit. I want to laugh. I want to be charmed. I want to date somebody more worthwhile than I am, because maybe they can make me better. Maybe then I can believe in myself. Maybe. But probably not.

Cute guys send me messages that I am afraid to read. I am afraid of the people who message me first. My phone vibrates. I got a message on Grindr.

"Hey, you're like really cute."

Nails to a chalkboard.

"Hey beautiful."

Ugh. Stop.

How broken do these people have to be to see beauty in me, I ask myself. With every compliment, the users each become exponentially less sexy. Why are you willing to settle for me? What is fundamentally “off” inside your mind to think that I have value as a partner, or hookup, or whatever??

I visit a friend in another town and go to a bar. We meet up with one of her acquaintances, who also happens to be gay. He drinks whiskey and curses and lies about being an alternate for the junior Olympic luge team. He tells me that he played minor league baseball; I think he is pretty drunk. He pretends to listen to me while eying other guys from across the room. I try to talk to him about some social justice issue I care about. He tells me that I am just a worthless twink. I laugh at that joke, except it wasn’t a joke.

I leave the town, but thoughts of the asshole boy leave with me. I am smitten. I tell my friend I am in love. She laughs at me, tells me I’ve become funnier in college, and goes back to eating her chips.

Not too many weekends later I am knocking back shots of vodka and wine coolers at my friends’ house when someone asks me what happened between my last boyfriend and me. I pretend to be too drunk to hear. They ask again. I say things just didn't work out. One of my wasted friends mocks me and says it was because he was "too nice." I tell myself later that I was too drunk to argue, but maybe his assertion was actually just too right to argue.

I start talking to someone new on Tinder. One "hello" leads to another. We chat about our days, we talk about our friends. I reply back enthusiastically at first, but dutifully later. His messages are flooded with compliments:

"I can't believe a guy as cute as you isn’t taken already ๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿ˜…"

“You are like really good looking, and smart too ๐Ÿ˜Š”

And so on.

One day he asks me whether I want to get dinner with him. I squirm. I tell him no. He seems a little hurt.

“Why not, if I may ask?”

I tell him the truth —

“If you want to date me, you have to treat me like shit.”

He blocked me. I deserved it.

Sometimes I think about the asshole from the bar. I think about what life would be like waking up next to him. I would get him coffee. He would drink it. We would have mind-blowing morning sex. We would both be late for work, but nobody would care. I would have my dream job; we would be the center of our social groups, and on and on and on.

Lines of people who could have been good in my life dwindle down. They walk by, because I push them away. Potential relationships are blocked, ignored, and rejected. Relationships that could have been, and maybe even should have been.

I remember back to watching “The Perks of Being A Wallflower,” for the first time in a dimly lit campus theater. I specifically recall the scene where the teacher tells Charlie that, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” I realize that this is true. We accept the love we think we deserve, and we are pathologically undervaluing ourselves time and time again.

And maybe you aren’t as neurotic as I am, but we do this. We are afraid of commitment, and terrified of people who want more. We run from lovers who…love us. They make us scared; they make us feel vulnerable. We convince ourselves that love is something that has to be earned through sweat and tears, through pain and ordeal. We convince ourselves that anyone who sees amazing things in us must be crazy or weird. We convince ourselves that we are worth less.

We get spooked by the “double text” or the pretty flowers. We run screaming from handwritten notes or big romantic gestures. We are reluctant to don labels, and so we hide in the vague abyss until our label-less “almost-relationship,” or “kind-of-relationship,” or “whatever-the-fuck-that-was” dies, and we move on, still alone.

And that’s not to say every person with a compliment and a rose is right for us. But maybe they aren’t always wrong for us. Maybe they are worth a try. Maybe we are worth a try. TC mark

The Reason People “Ghost,” And 7 Other Uncomfortable Truths About Almost-Relationships Most People Don’t Realize

Posted: 02 Aug 2015 07:47 AM PDT

giovonnidodd
giovonnidodd

1. People can love you, and still not want to be with you.

The first thing people reach for when they realize someone isn't interested is some variation of: "but what can I change now, or for next time?" They wonder what they said, what part of them is too unappealing to love – or they begin to devise ways they're going to radically change themselves, slowly constructing versions of themselves to become, out of what they assume is "wrong."

Ultimately, we do this because the alternative is harder to accept: people can love us and still not want to be with us. Trying to control some aspect of how we are is an antidote to how we feel, which is mostly helpless.

2. There's really no such thing as "mixed signals," there's only one signal, and it's: "I'm not into this, but I'm afraid I'm going to look like an asshole if I tell you that in any more blunt terms."

Most of the time, people who ghost just aren't interested, but don't know how else to tell you without seeming like a jerk. (Is it worse to accidentally lead people on? Yeah, of course. We're not evolved enough as humans to realize this yet). So instead, we start ghosting if someone won't take the not-so-subtle hint.

If someone wants to be with you, they will be, or at least they will do their best to make every effort to let you know that's what they want. Anything else isn't a confusing "maybe," it's a definite, you just have to learn to read between the lines.

3. It takes two parties to agree on whether or not you're "meant to be."

It's not something you figure out by sitting down and thinking through all the ways you're compatible, all the too-weird-to-be-coincidental circumstances of your meeting and so on and so infinitely forth.

You're meant to be together if you're together. Figuring it out is nothing but a comforting, hopeful thought to hang onto when there seems to be nothing more concrete (or if you need to defer to believing in some greater plan because you can't reconcile how strongly you feel and how the relationship is actually playing out in reality.)

4. A lot of relationships end early just because someone is subconsciously seeking someone to fill the role of someone they lost.

It doesn't even have to be a romantic partner or someone who is physically gone – for a lot of people, it's a parent whose love they never fully had, a god they realized never 'saved' them.

The problem is never that they lost someone – that's not what makes them "broken" or "closed to love." It's that they're still seeking someone to replace that love, rather than open to a new one, or go back and reconcile what's so deeply unhealed.

5. A lot of the time, love doesn't flourish because the focus is on "who will accept me" as opposed to "who will I open my heart to?"

Most of dating is a game of validation-seeking, hormone-fueling, ego-steroiding, attachment-fulfilling madness. (No wonder things tend to go south so often, and so fast). The romantic industrial complex has us convinced that the high of a partner will save us from our devastating lows, but of course, that isn't true. (That's when things really start to hit the fan: before you realize that the love of your life won't save you, and after you start thinking there's something wrong with them because they haven't yet).

There is only one thing you must do to change your life or to find the love you seek: you must open your heart. If that seems impossible, you must identify what stands in the way and remove it. Have the courage to choose vulnerability, it's the only thing that's worth it in the end.

6. You don't know how to see someone beyond who they appear to be, so arbitrary, unimportant things become deal-breakers.

It's the equivalent of just seeking out a "type," which is essentially the desire to have an accessory relationship, someone who complements your life perfectly, who is easy to love. (That's never the kind of love that lasts or is worth it, FYI).

Choosing to love someone isn't just waking up one day and deciding to have feelings for them. It's accepting them into your heart and life, with every trait they reveal, every moment and hour that passes, everything that happens. It's a series of a million little choices, and the undercurrent of all of them is: "I know you're more than this thing I may or may not like."

7. Most relationships, especially at the beginning, don't end because you did something wrong, they end because someone just doesn't feel it's "right."

That's what it all comes down to in the end. It doesn't matter how perfect you seem to be or how well things were going, if at any point, that little tiny mysterious spark of "yes" is missing, the relationship is going to collapse. That feeling is irreplaceable, and in the words of Cheryl Strayed: "you cannot fake the core. The truth that lives there is a god you must obey and a force that will inevitably bring you to your knees." (I'll just save you the sexual joke and end this here.) TC mark

Why The Best Relationships Are The Ones That Never Actually Happened

Posted: 02 Aug 2015 08:23 AM PDT

slworking2
slworking2

We all claim to hate almost-relationships.

The person who disappeared. The guy or girl who ghosted us. The person we wanted it to work with but just couldn't seem to pin down. We feel ridiculous mourning these relationships because they never really came to fruition. We never truly committed, never met their families, never called him or her our significant other aloud in real time. But their endings haunt us nonetheless – we grow obsessed with what didn't work, but could have. The things that almost happened and the people we almost loved.

As much as we ache moving on from these relationships, they offer a strange sort of thrill. To fall in love with somebody but never actually date him or her is invigorating. It's captivating. It's that all-seductive pull of the almost, the never-quite, the getting this-close but never the whole way there. It's emotional edging. And it's a feeling we all get addicted to.

The only thing more exciting than falling in love with somebody is falling in absolute like with them. Love is complex. Love is chaos. Love is arguments and compromises and staying up until 3am trying to figure out whether or not we can make this work. There's nothing glamorous about love, but like is whatever you want it to be. Like is simple. It's impulsive. It's magnified by imagination and left untarnished by the truth. Like is whatever we want it to be, which is why the best part of any relationship is always the beginning.

In the beginning, there is nothing to hate about each other. There are no unhappy compromises, no hidden secrets, no pet peeves that leave us silently reeling while our partner grinds their teeth all through the night. In the beginning there is only the squeakiest, shiniest versions of ourselves. Only whomever we want the other person to see. And the truth is, we love that deception. We love being in love with the person we want someone to be.

The truth about almost relationships is that as much as we agonize over their endings, they're some of the best endings we get. We don't slowly grow to hate each others taste in music or the way he or she has no backbone. We never have to argue about one of us working too much or the other one having no ambition. We don't see the worst parts of each other because right before the fantasy faded, somebody ducked from the scene. And as much as we hated them for it, it was in some ways exactly what we wanted.

Some part of us is always going to remain addicted to the 'almost' in every situation. The incredible date we almost went on. The person we almost fell in love with. The sex we almost had with the person we almost seduced. We love what almost happened because in our minds, it gets to stay exactly how we imagined it to be.

And perhaps we need that. Perhaps some twisted part of our psyche doesn't want the best things we can imagine to come true – because if that were the case, we'd have to deal with all their unglamorous realities. We'd have to realize that nothing will ever be half as incredible as we can imagine it. That there is no perfect person, no perfect relationship, no perfect situation that we're someday going to stumble upon and live happily ever after inside of.

We love every almost relationship we have because they give us a taste of what we'd like to think could last forever. It's what we hang onto when our real relationships end, when reality bites us too hard, when our compromises and heartbreaks become too much to bear in real time.

We hold onto the allure of that almost at the times that we need it the most.

Because every almost suggests another maybe, out there somewhere. And those maybes are what keep us going. TC mark

14 Signs Your Almost Boyfriend Is About To Ghost You That You’re Probably In Denial About

Posted: 02 Aug 2015 08:22 AM PDT

Twenty20 / adiolunsford
Twenty20 / adiolunsford

1. When you talk about future plans they suddenly become really quiet. Even if you’re only discussing what restaurant you’re going to eat at next weekend, they never give you a definite confirmation that they’re up for it. We are talking about next week, not the next 3 years.

2. When they talk about future plans, you’re not in them. It’s bad enough they don’t care what you’re doing next week, but when they let you know what they’re doing and you’re clearly not included, they aren’t sticking around for much longer. It’s easy to invite you to the tailgate with his buddies, so if he doesn’t there’s a reason.

3. They don’t text or call you as often as they used to. When they go from enthusiastically texting you good morning each day, to not responding when you ask them what they’re up to, they’re gradually ghosting you.

4. They stop caring about who else you might possibly be hooking up with. When you’re in an almost relationship, technically you’re still free to see other people because you’re not mutually exclusive, but when your almost boyfriend stops caring about who else might be your almost boyfriend, he no longer wants to be involved. When you tell him you’re meeting up with your fuck buddy from college and he indifferently nods his head, he doesn’t care what or who you’re doing.

5. You feel like they don’t want to have sex as often. If they no longer want to do the one fun activity that keeps them interested, they are probably planning to stop talking to you altogether.

6. Or all you guys do is have sex. When he only texts you in order to sleep with you he clearly has no emotions invested. It won’t be hard for him to leave you abruptly with no explanation at all.

7. You don’t see him for weeks. He’s slowly disappearing, and by slowly I mean he’s probably already gone.

8. They read your texts and blatantly ignore you. A main reason he turned his read receipt setting on is so that you know when he’s not answering. He isn’t busy and his phones not dead, he just doesn’t want to talk to you.

9. He asks you to get tested. For STDs. He knows once he ghosts you and his balls start itching he won’t be able to ask you if you gave him crabs.

10. They start traveling a lot. When they are suddenly “away” every weekend, they’re not really “away” they’re just avoiding you.

11. His friends start asking you where you’ve been. You know it’s bad when his friends care more about you than he does.

12. They open your snapchats, but don’t answer your texts. If he’s ignoring your texts, but opens your snapchats he clearly just wants to see whether or not you’ve sent him a sexy photo. He knows you can see when he opens them, he just doesn’t care. If he gets a sexy pic out of the situation that’s all that matters.

13. They only communicate with you on snapchat. If he stops texting you altogether and only snapchats you, it’s his way of getting to see your pretty face and cute bod without actually talking to it.

14. If you don’t have sex with him until X number of dates and when you finally give it up his communication becomes minimal, you’re about to be ghosted. TC mark

7 Movie Romances That Are Actually Relatable

Posted: 02 Aug 2015 08:21 AM PDT

***SO MANY SPOILERS***

1. The Toxic Couple

Blue Valentine
Blue Valentine

Blue Valentine (2010):

The toxic couple is formed when both sides are so emotionally reactive and defensive towards one another, that it deteriorates trust within the relationship. And, oh my god, there has never been nor will there ever be a more toxic romance than the one between Dean (Ryan Gosling) and Cindy (Michelle Williams). This is easily one of the only movies that honestly depicts the tumultuous transition from a happy marriage to a devastating break up. As you watch flashback after flashback, you want so badly for the couple to overcome their obstacles and get it together—but this ain't The Notebook; it’s realistic about how sometimes even the strongest marriages can crumble. Blue Valentine will destroy you—in a good way.

2. The Will-They-Or-Won’t-They Couple

Lost in Translation
Lost in Translation

Lost In Translation (2003):

Bob (Bill Murray) and Charlotte (Scarlett Johansson) find themselves crossing paths in a Tokyo bar, both reluctant to be in Japan in the first place, and both in respective miserable marriages. Their relationship toes the blurred line between friendship and romance, and while there are scenes that hint that their interests in each other exceeds simple acquaintanceship, nothing happens. Ugh. You will mentally/emotionally/physically crave for something—anything—to happen between these two, but when faced with the reality of the situation (remember, both are married, and they’ve known each other for maybe a week), as much as we want them to get together and be happy, we also know that realistically it’s too messy and too complicated. They’ll always have Tokyo.

3. The Exes Who Can’t Let Go

Celeste and Jesse Forever (2012):

This is probably the only Andy Samberg movie your boyfriend hasn't seen. Celeste (Rashida Jones) and Jesse (Samberg) married young, and the start of the movie begins right after their divorce. The couple, however, convinces themselves that they can spend the rest of their life coasting as best friends (who occasionally, after a night of trying to build Ikea furniture, sleep together). But Jesse receives some pretty grownup news that almost destroys the entirety of their relationship. The game of emotions that ensues finds Celeste and Jesse struggling to figure out where they stand. While Celeste and Jesse Forever certainly has hilarious moments, what makes it an awesome movie is how it doesn’t romanticize the recovery process of getting over the pain of watching an ex move on without you.

4. The Devitalized Couple

Annie Hall
Annie Hall

Annie Hall (1977):

The devitalized couple means that while there was happiness at the beginning of dating, the pair requires growth in too many areas of the relationship for them to communicate effectively and strengthen their connection. Thus, they end up becoming stagnant rather than growing. Instead of looking at the transition into dating as most romantic movies do, Annie Hall examines this common type of relationship and why couples eventually fall apart. Alvy (Woody Allen) and Annie (Diane Keaton) are the classic ~*~opposites attract~*~ kind of couple. It works effortlessly at first, with the two complimenting each other well, but then it falls flat. It can't last. But, Alvy and Annie’s demise doesn’t have to do with the type-A character being unpleasantly neurotic or the type-B character being too childish—Alvy and Annie just weren’t right for each other, and the simplicity of the reasoning behind their breakup makes it all that more realistic, and enjoyable, to watch.

5. The Undefinable Couple

500 Days of Summer
500 Days of Summer

500 Days of Summer (2009):

Everyone either loves or hates this movie, but 500 Days of Summer epitomizes the pain that comes with confusing, undefined relationships. Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), a hopeless romantic, spends the entire movie pining over the cynical Summer (Zooey Deschanel). It seems to work in his favor, until things begin to crumble for some unexplained, inexplicable reason. And even though the narrator begins the movie forewarning that it isn't a love story, you can't help but wish that the ending resulted with them officially getting together. The happy beginning days of their budding relationship are cute and fun to watch; but the movie doesn’t force the couple together, and in the end it seems that while Tom certainly loved Summer, she just wasn’t the end-all for him.

6. The Sacrificial Couple

Casablanca
Casablanca

Casablanca (1942):

The sacrificial couple is dubbed to a pair when one partner is always out to save or rescue the other, and that sacrifice is never reciprocated. It results in an uncomfortable imbalance of power within the relationship. Casablanca is always listed as one of (and sometimes the) top romantic films ever produced, but this isn’t manifested through a dramatic union between Rick (Humphrey Bogart) and Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman) in the end. Instead, the romance factor actually stems from Rick’s sacrifice and the fact that the couple can’t get together. Rick does everything in his power to forget his quick romance with Ilsa in Paris, only to cross paths with her years later—with her husband. The two share tense moments upon seeing each other again, and as much as you want them to run away together, their relationship is the unfortunate epitome of a love story never meant to be. Tragically selfless, yes, but also truthful and still utterly romantic.

7. The Friends With Benefits Couple

Up In The Air
Up In The Air

Up In The Air (2009):

Fitting the traditional romance mold, Ryan (George Clooney) is too preoccupied and busy with his job to even think about marriage or dating…until he meets Alex (Vera Farmiga), whose busy lifestyle is similar to his. They begin to routinely sleep together whenever they encounter each other, but refrain from actually dating—the clearcut definition of a “friends with benefits” relationship. And then, in a foreseeable twist, Ryan begins to seriously fall for Alex and goes to her house, only to discover she's actually married with children. There is no loophole for this situation; the time spent watching these two interact is enjoyable, and Ryan’s character benefits from it by learning to be more open, but in the end this “almost relationship” was inevitably not headed towards permanency— making the plot all the more believable. TC mark

Maybe In Another Universe, Another Time

Posted: 02 Aug 2015 08:12 AM PDT

Franca Gimenez
Franca Gimenez

I guess it’s true what they say.

Timing really is a bitch.

I tell him this as I lazily roll over onto my side, his hand running in circular motions on my lower back.

“Nah,” He responds. “Bitches are cool. Timing is far, far worse.”

I laugh and he buries his face in the space between my neck and shoulder. I can feel the breath from his nose on my skin and it makes me feel a little like I’m coming undone. In a good way. Beyoncรฉ’s “Crazy In Love” could start playing out of nowhere and I don’t think I question it. I’d just nod. Yep. You get it, B.

These things happen, I think. These things actually happen.

I wonder how long we can stay in bed together before society asks questions. Will they notice? Will my mom send a massive search party with red lettered HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRL signs plastered on every street corner? Can we stay in this universe we’ve created when we know all things end? Even the impossibly good ones.

I think of just saying fuck it. Fuck the notion of responsibility and making the adult choices in this. He is here, in my bed, and for someone who hates sharing her bed, it’s making me a bit dizzy to realize him leaving it will hurt. Saying goodbye and making sheets and putting all of this could be to bed will physically hurt.

We knew we had an expiration date. I thought a summer fling would do me some good. I needed casual. I needed fun and heat — not just temperature wise. I wanted someone for now.

And then, like every cliche romcom out there, we fell in something else. We were a summer fling that graduated to feeling like the real thing.

But timing. The timing wasn’t right.

He kisses the top of my head and I want to ask him to not go. I think of abandoning everything I’ve created and just going with him. He will return to the opposite side of the world and I can’t go with him. I know it. He knows it. We all know it.

But right now, we are not the almost lovers we are destined to become. Right now, we are forever. Right now, we are asking time to give us just a little more and knowing it’s unrealistic to expect something so short-lived to last with so many miles and time zones between us. Right now, we’re just us.

And how I’d love to be an us just a little longer. TC mark

16 Irrational Fears Every 20-Something Who’s Only Ever Been In An Almost-Relationship Starts Having

Posted: 02 Aug 2015 08:10 AM PDT

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1. That it's not him, after all—it's you.

In the wake of every failed almost-relationship, you've found solace in the fierce self-assurance that you’re a bomb-ass individual, and *it's not you—it's him.* When you're single for long enough, though, you start to think that, maybe, you actually have unbearable poop breath (I believe "halitosis" is the "medical term"), but no one's ever had the heart to tell you. Or, maybe, you're just faaaaar fucking crazier than you realized. Point is, you fear there's something critically wrong with you that's been keeping *him*—AKA ur soulmate/luvrboi/Noah 2 ur Allie—away for all these years. Yikes.

2. That all those friends you've made a marriage pact with will leave you behind.

"This is BULLshit, guys…we were all supposed to stay single forever. WHAT THE FUCK," you'll say when you're 35 and still tryna adopt a collection of perfectly racially diverse kids with ur besties.

3. That your parents will die without ever knowing the pleasure of seeing you in love.

(And that ur mom's ghost will apparate regularly only to keeping making fun of u for being single.)

4. …Such that, after a certain point, you're going to have to start telling them about ur imaginary "new boyfriend."

"Yeah guys, he's so so great. So funny. So rich. So nice 2me. But you'll probs never meet him only cuz he……………..travels a lot."

5. …And that until they meet said "new boyfriend," they'll continue to gossip about how weird and unlovable you are.

Cuz you KNOW those bitches (along with ur best friends/pets/colleagues/therapists) secretly b running they mouths.

6. That you won't realize you're lesbian till you're approx. 30 years behind.

Maybe you've just got your sexuality all misunderstood, you know? If so, you're DOWN…you just hope you FIO soon, so that you're not learning *the basics* at 42 like a goddamn 12-year-old who just discovered her clit.

7. That the hostess from your go-to take-out Chinese food spot aggressively judges you for ordering *all that*…for one.

Friday night? General Tso's chicken with a side of pork fried rice, shrimp dumplings, and a DIET coke. Saturday night? General Tso's chicken with a side of pork fried rice, shrimp dumplings, and a DIET coke. Sunday night? U GUESSED IT, MA’AM, GENERAL TSO'S CHICKEN WITH A SIDE OF PORK FRIED RICE, SHRIMP DUMPLINGS, AND *DIET* COKE AND YES I WILL BE PLACING THAT EXACT ORDER EVERY NIGHT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND NO U DO NOT NEED TO INCLUDE TWO SETS OF CHOPSTICKS BECAUSE YES I AM #FOREVERALONE.

8. That, just like said hostess predicted, you'll spend your 30th birthday alone, too depressed to sift through the fat stack of wedding invitations on your kitchen counter.

"Oh, SHOULD I save the frickin date???!??!!?? WHY, R U GUYS DATING ER SUMTHINNNN," you'll shriek while inhaling double stuf oreos and hate-stroking your many hairless cats.

9. …And then, more rattling still, that you'll spend your 40th alone, reviewing the disappointing results of your most recent STI test.

"Oh, lovely—I've never heard of that one," you'll whisper to said hairless cats as you sip tea and contemplate killing urself—furreal this time.

10. That no one one will ever get you off as well as you can.

If *he* doesn't arrive *SOON* (and with the phalanges of a very generous lesbian), you fear that your right hand will officially become too credentialed.

11. That you'll still be hitting on 18-year-olds when you're 80.

Smh.

12. That you'll settle.

That you might *have to* settle for someone less than worthy of your love is the singular most depressing notion that occupies your mind regularly. But should push come to shove…

13. That you'll be the "cool aunt."

…Because you're single and always around. Fyl.

14. That your life won't look anything like your dreams.

A lot has changed since you were 10 and day-dreaming of a wedding where you strut down the aisle in a white version of that DOPE yellow silk dress Kate Hudson wore in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (u know the one). And you're cool with that. But you still hope your future will look something like the one you've been planning/adjusting/re-writing for so long. You still hope you'll fall madly in love at least once—not an irrational hope to have, so the fact that you doubt it often is really, really fucking scary.

15. That you'll have to redefine "happy."

You're happy, you really are—but you've always been sure that ~true happiness~ will come only when you fall you love. That you might have to start rethinking that definition is a uniquely somber thought.

16. And that, in pursuit of ~fulfillment,~ you'll have kids alone…only to, eventually, depress the hell out of them with the admission that you've never been in love.

…While consoling them with the false assurance that "I'm sure it'll come for you tho, bby." (lol…OR NOT.) TC mark