Thought Catalog


29 Tweets That Perfectly Sum Up The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly Of The 2015 Emmys

Posted: 20 Sep 2015 09:50 PM PDT

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

19.

20.

21.

22.

23.

24.

25.

26.

27.

28.

29.

16 Things Positive People Do Differently In Their Everyday Lives

Posted: 18 Sep 2015 10:07 AM PDT

marusa.je
marusa.je

We all know that person who claims, “I’m not a pessimist, I’m just a realist.”

They use the dire state of society, the economy, the environment and the world at large to justify a series of endless gripes. They do seem to truly believe that the realistic state of things justifies their stream of unquenchable negativity. But what they fail to acknowledge is the fact that we’re all living in the same world – and yet some people are coping with it significantly better than others.

Realist, idealist and everything in between, many of us are coping with similar day to day problems. We face concerns over finances, companionship, employment, security and health. But while some people are preoccupied with calling a spade a spade, others are busy playing the hell out of whatever hand they’ve been dealt. Here are a few things positive people are doing differently on a day to day basis that sets them apart from the rest.

1. Instead of agonizing over the job they don't have, they get excited about the job they do have.

Even if the job they have is job-seeking. Positive people know that the amount of effort you put into any job is the amount of effort you put into every job – and that you're never going to be successful at the top if you can't be hardworking at the bottom. Rather than sulking over jobs they consider to be "beneath" them, positive people recognize each employment opportunity as a chance to develop, grow and shine in the workplace.

2. Instead of freaking out over debt, they look at budgeting as a challenge to rise to.

Positive people know that most people have debt – and that it's not a life sentence. They get realistic about managing their money and approach budgeting as a challenge to rise to, rather than a constraint to be limited by.

3. Instead of hating the people who treat them badly, they learn lessons about how to treat others.

Positive people get duped, lied to, flaked on and rejected, just like everyone else. The difference is that they don't let those instances make them bitter – they simply let their memory serve as a reminder of how not to treat people in the future. They treat others the way they'd like to be treated, rather than perpetuating the problem.

4. Instead of criticizing how their body looks, they celebrate all their body does for them.

Nobody is ever one hundred percent satisfied with the way they look. But positive people know that their body isn't just there for aesthetics. They take advantage of the fact that their bodies are vessels for climbing mountains, swimming in oceans, hugging their loved ones, ingesting delicious foods, making love, making art, transporting themselves from place to place and experiencing life in full force. Bodies are a positive person's medium for exploring life, not just their aesthetic fixation.

5. Instead of staying trapped inside routine, they mix things up.

Positive people recognize feelings of restlessness but they don't let them fester. They take responsibility to explore new interests, travel to new places or take on new, stimulating challenges. They know that a bored person is a boring person – and that's definitely not them.

6. Instead of wallowing over their breakups, they appreciate the lessons they learned from the relationship.

Heartbreak hurts everyone – but positive people know that there's a silver lining to every cloud and the end of a relationship often doubles as a point of reflection. Rather than directing hate toward their exes, they appreciate all that they learned from them and they move on with grace.

7. Instead of getting worked up over a change in plans, they get excited about new opportunities.

When one door closes, another one always opens and positive people are the first to walk through that new door. They may feel disappointed when things don't work out the way they'd planned but they don't see that disappointment as a factor that limits them from exploring what else is possible.

8. Instead of blaming their problems on others, they focus on self-improvement.

There's always someone to blame for our troubles – but positive people know that pointing fingers isn't going to get them anywhere. When they find themselves up against a challenge they aren't ready for, they find a way to make themselves into the kind of person who can overcome it – rather than blaming external factors for preventing them from succeeding.

9. Instead of getting frustrated with themselves, they laugh at themselves.

Everyone messes up and plays their cards wrong sometimes. But while negative people are busy berating themselves for their mistakes, positive people are busy learning their lessons, forgiving themselves and then laughing the whole thing off. They know that they aren't above making mistakes and they can take themselves lightly when they need to.

10. Instead of agonizing over what they haven't accomplished yet, they get to work on whatever they're still capable of achieving.

Positive people know that it's never too late to accomplish what they want out of life. Rather than obsessing over what they should have gotten started on sooner, they look at all the time they have left, and get started on whatever they plan to accomplish next.

11. Instead of feeling sorry for themselves for being single, they take advantage of their freedom.

Even if they love being in love, positive people don't stress out about being single. They see aloneness as an opportunity to grow and expand their lives in an unconstrained fashion – they appreciate the freedom and relish in all that they can do to advance their own lives.

12. Instead of feeling lonely, they reach out to others.

Everyone occasionally feel lonely – but positive people don't blame other people for that state of loneliness. They reach out to those around them to form new connections and reinvest in old ones. They take ownership over their social lives – they don't sit around and wait for other people to come to them.

13. Instead of worrying about how they're coming across, they stand behind their choices with confidence.

Positive people know that they won't be everyone's cup of tea. But they don't alter their actions or apologize for their personality if someone else doesn't like it. They accept that as a natural part of life and continue on doing them – they're happy with the way they live, which means they don't need everyone else to be.

14. Instead of being overwhelmed by change, they create their own sense of stability.

Change affects all of us, sometimes in uncomfortable ways. Positive people aren't immune to this, but they do have strategies for dealing with it. They know how to remain personally consistent throughout external changes and this skill allows them to ride out those changes with resilience.

15. Instead of criticizing others, they admire them for their differences.

Positive people know that those who are critical of others are also direly critical of themselves – and they don't have time for that noise. Positive people praise others for being strange, courageous and different from the crowd – they commend their courage and harness it in themselves.

16. Instead of fearing what lies ahead, they get excited about what they'll do next.

The future isn't clear to any of us – and positive people are no exception to this. But they do know that there's no sense worrying about what they can't control, when they could be focusing on everything they can control. While the Negative Nancys are catastrophizing, the Positive Pattys are planning for a brighter future – and as a result, they usually achieve one. TC mark

35 Small Moments That Are So Wonderful There Isn’t An Adjective Good Enough To Describe Them

Posted: 18 Sep 2015 11:42 AM PDT

Twenty20 / mymood
Twenty20 / mymood

1. When someone can relate to exactly what you're going through.

2. When a moment you've been waiting for finally happens.

3. When you finally remember the name of that one thing that has been on the tip of your tongue.

4. When you come home to someone who is genuinely happy to see you.

5. When simplicity leaves you stress free.

6. When you see results after endless hard work.

7. When you feel at home.

8. When you reminisce about unforgettable memories.

9. When you know you're falling in love.

10. When you get butterflies before you want to make a good impression on someone you like.

11. When you laugh so hard, you cry.

12. When you're reunited with a friend you haven't seen in ages.

13. When you receive a compliment from a complete stranger.

14. When someone gives you a hug when you really need it.

15. When you receive a hand written letter or card.

16. When you give a gift that isn't tangible.

17. When you do something simply because you want to.

18. When you aren't worried what others think.

19. When you look back at the past and realize something you couldn't see when it was the present.

20. When you're surrounded by people who sincerely love you.

21. When you're not frightened by the unpredictable.

22. When you feel like something was simply meant to happen.

23. When there's no explanation for something that brings you joy.

24. When you make your loved ones proud.

25. When you accomplish something completely on your own.

26. When you help someone accomplish their goals.

27. When you see someone you've helped, helping someone else.

28. When you're reminded of home.

29. When you try something you've never tried before.

30. When you're inspired by something new.

31. When you're able to express exactly what is on your mind.

32. When you feel like someone understands you.

33. When you’re able to accept the end of a metaphorical chapter.

34. When you let something go that you’ve been holding onto for too long.

35. When you’re able to get back up after falling. TC mark

My Daughter’s ‘Imaginary Friend’ Turned Out To Be Something A Lot More Horrifying Than We First Thought

Posted: 18 Sep 2015 08:52 AM PDT

Flickr / Soumyadeep Paul
Flickr / Soumyadeep Paul

About a week ago, a young man was stabbed eight times in my front yard. At the time, I was watching a movie in my living room. I heard some shouting outside, but I learned to ignore it. I don’t live in the best of neighborhoods and I’m not much for sticking my head outside just in time to be an accidental witness to a crime I don’t want to be wrapped up in. The movie ended and I saw a flashlight moving outside my window. I rushed outside with a baseball bat ready to clobber a burglar. Instead I was met with about 10 cops.

"Umm… How can I help you officers?" I said, dropping my bat.

"Did you hear any shouting out here earlier?" one of the officers closest to me asked.

I could see some of my more intimidating neighbors scowling at me from across the street.

"No sir. I haven’t heard anything. I was inside watching a movie. It was real loud in there for a while,” I quickly snapped.

The group walked around me. Curious, I sat on my porch and lit a cigarette. I eavesdropped on the officers as they searched around my house for the assailant. He was long gone. After taking pictures of the street in front of my yard and searching the brush across the street, they headed back to their cars. As one of the cops was climbing into his vehicle I heard him say something that send chills down my back.

"I know John, that house gives me the willies too."

"I can’t believe they still rent that place. You remember those murders?" the officer named John replied.

They both exchanged looks before speeding off. I knew they were talking about my house. It explained a lot. Some strange things had happened in the past few months.

beetlejuice

My daughter Emily is three. She spends her days playing with an app on her tablet learning her letters or watching Zig & Sharko on Netflix. Shortly after we moved into the house, she started talking to what we assumed was an imaginary friend. One day while I was sitting on the sofa in the living room, I mentioned going into her room to grab her tablet. It was then that Emily said something that I can’t forget.

"It isn’t safe Daddy. The ghost doesn’t like you."

Puzzled, I looked down at my little goober.

"What ghost?" I asked.

With the innocence one would expect from a toddler, she said in a cheerful voice, "The ghost in my room. She’s sad."

My wife wasn’t amused. She started nagging me about listening to CreepyPasta narration when I tried to fall asleep. She said it was convincing our daughter that there was a ghost in the house. That would have been a wonderful explanation if I didn’t sleep with headphones in. Emily continued to play with her tablet as my wife and I discussed the reasons why I needed to be more careful what I listened to or talked about around the baby.

A few months passed and we sort of got used to passing mentions of the ghost. Emily would say strange things, but there was no ominous feelings or cold spots in the house. Lights didn’t flicker and objects didn’t move on their own. In fact, aside from the odd statements Emily would make, there were no signs that there was anything wrong with the house at all. It became normal for her to talk about the ghost. After a while the only response it would elicit from my wife and I was, "That’s nice honey."

Last month my brother Kevin got out on parole. He’d just finished a seven year sentence for manslaughter. With nowhere else to go, I let him crash on my couch for a while. My wife wasn’t happy about having a killer around Emily, but he proved to be a boon. Emily was a tad behind on potty training. Kevin, who had a daughter of his own, proved to be very helpful in getting her to use the toilet. He cleaned, cooked, and in many ways made up from the dent he made on our budget by being a phenomenal house guest.

One evening Kevin emerged from the bathroom in just a towel.

"I think the wiring is bad in the bathroom. I was taking a shower and the light just flickered out,” he said.

He stumbled into the back room to get dressed and I went into the bathroom to check the light fixture. I flipped the switch and the light came on just fine. I chalked it up to faulty wiring and put in a call to the landlord. He said he’d send the maintenance guy in about a week. I sighed and went about my evening routine of browsing the internet and listening to Spotify.

The next day I was driving Kevin to a job interview with Emily behind me in her booster seat. We stopped at a light and she piped up.

"You’re gonna die Uncle Kevin. The ghost said something about an eye in your eye.”

"Do you mean an eye for an eye?" I asked.

"Yeah! That’s it!" Emily excitedly responded.

That’s when things started getting bad.

beetlejuice

Kevin slept in the back room on a hide-a-bed I’d picked up at Goodwill. One morning, he showed up to the breakfast table looking like he hadn’t slept a wink. I asked him if he was back on drugs and he gave me the finger. He leaned over his cup of coffee.

"I couldn’t stay asleep,” he said. “I kept having these fucked up dreams and then I’d wake up to someone knocking on the back door. I’d open it up and no one was there."

"What kind of dreams, bro?" I asked.

He sighed.

"I kept dreaming of Melanie."

I shook my head.

"It was an accident. You need to let that go."

Melanie was Kevin’s wife. They got into an argument and in the process of their fight, he pushed her back. She tripped and fell down the stairs. Kevin was charged with manslaughter and did seven years.

Kevin sat distraught at the table and sipped his coffee in tears. His daughter had seen the whole thing. She testified at the trial and was sent to live with our parents. Kevin hadn’t seen his daughter since he got out. I didn’t blame him. He’d killed her mother in front of her. I imagine that would have been an awkward reunion.

That night I grabbed the new Terminator movie hooked my laptop up to the television. As we watched the latest installment of shitty movie with decent special effects, there a was a stabbing in my yard. After overhearing the police talking about the murders in my house. I made up my mind to head down the library and look through the newspaper archives for mentions of the murder.

beetlejuice

I went to the library with my wife and we dove into old newspapers and microfilm before finding mention of a murder at our address in a paper from about 10 years ago. Melissa Lamb, a local prostitute and Jeremiah Jones, her pimp, had been found brutally murdered in the home. I went ahead a few days found her obituary. It said she had been survived by her sister Melanie and her brother-in-law Kevin. It all clicked in my head.

The ghost didn’t like me. The ghost wanted Kevin dead. The ghost was technically Kevin’s sister-in-law. Kevin killed Melanie. I had the librarian print off the article about the murder and the obituary. If anything, I planned to sue the hell out of my landlord for not telling me that there had been a death in the house. We wouldn’t have rented it if we had known and armed with that knowledge, I had every intention to move. Ghost or not, it didn’t feel right to live in that house.

My wife and I returned home to find all the lights off in the house. Sadie checked Emily’s room and found it empty. I walked into the backroom and saw Emily sitting in a pool of blood. She wasn’t crying. She just stared at the love seat. Congealed blood pooled under the sofa. I picked Emily up and held her close.

"What happened?" I asked.

Emily sniffled.

"Uncle Kevin is in the couch. The ghost killed him,” she whispered in my ear.

She started bawling on my shoulder and I handed her off to my wife and told them to go outside. I called the police and they arrived shortly thereafter. While I stood in the kitchen giving my statement, I heard one of the officers open the hide-a-bed. He let out a loud retching noise.

"John, you don’t wanna see this. Somebody folded the poor bastard up in the bed. It’s gruesome."

I poked my head around the corner to see my little brother bent up and contorted with a look of terror on his face. They loaded what was left of him onto a gurney and took statements from me and my wife. With my family put up in a motel, I returned to the house to grab some of our belongings.

The house reeked of blood and mold. We’d only been gone a few hours, but the whole house seemed like it had been abandoned for months. I went into Emily’s room to grab some of her clothes and stuffed animals. I bent down to grab her stuffed Pooh and when I came up I saw what looked like a woman rushing at me. I jumped back in shock and fell over a table Emily used for tea parties. I stared up from the floor as the ghastly looking woman stood over me. She reached down and grabbed my leg.

I heard a voice that didn’t seem to come from anywhere in particular.

"He took my sister and I’ll take his brother. And eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth."

Bony fingers dug into my ankle like talons as I was dragged through the bedroom and out into the living room. I tried to stand and a foot slammed into my chest and knocked me to the ground. A bookshelf next to me started to rattle and began to fall. At the last moment I shot across the floor and hit my desk. I looked up to see Kevin staring down at me with a terribly sad look on his face.

"Fuck you! He’s mine!" the ghost screamed.

"Get out of here bro,” Kevin said to me.

I ran for the door. It wouldn’t open. I pulled at the knob to no avail. I turned my head to the side and saw a black shadowy hand holding it in place. Kevin grabbed the figure by throat and screamed.

"RUN!"

I didn’t look back. I was in my car and down the road about half a mile before I caught my breath.

beetlejuice

I’m in the process of suing my landlord for not telling us about the deaths in the house. The police ruled Kevin’s death a freak accident. My family and I are staying in a motel. Emily is only three but I already have her scheduled to see a therapist. Sadie isn’t talking to me very much right now. I tried to tell her what happened at the house and she cut me off halfway through the story saying,

"I’m fucking done Mike. I’m tired of all this creepy shit. Just shut up."

I drove past the house yesterday. Everything was quiet, but I couldn’t work up the courage to go inside. For a brief moment I thought I saw my brother in the window. I didn’t slow down enough to look again. I’m done with that house. I have half a mind to burn it to the ground. TC mark

19 Things That Happen When You’re The Only Extrovert In Your Friend Group

Posted: 18 Sep 2015 12:56 PM PDT

_bedesign
_bedesign

1. You have a plethora of friends who are available for a "Quiet night in," but very few who are down for a raging night out.

2. You're never at a loss for people to have long, philosophical conversations with.

3. And when you need to talk out a personal problem, there's always someone around to listen.

4. All that being said, you occasionally just want people to RALLY with and sometimes grow frustrated by the group's continuous consensus to stay in.

5. You end up tagging along to a lot of parties with colleagues or vague acquaintances.

6. As a result, you end up with a wide circle of extroverted acquaintances, but still feel closest to your core group of introverted friends.

7. You start to feel like a wildly rebellious person in comparison to your close friends, even though you're pretty sure your lifestyle is normal for most people your age.

8. You sometimes have to withhold information about your social or sex life from your core group, fearing it will shock some of your more reserved friends.

9. You can't always give the best advice to each other because you usually encourage them to get out of their shell when they need to introspect, and they encourage you to introspect when you need to take action.

10. Other times, however, their opposing perspective is exactly what you need to snap you out of your bad habits (and vice versa).

11. You have to consciously manage your disappointment when your friends describe an event as, "Loud and bustling," and you realize they're describing why they don't want to go to it.

12. Everyone knows not to cancel plans on you at the last minute. Your other friends may feel relieved when that happens but you are annoyed to no end by it.

13. You have to constantly remind yourself that just because a given friend is free, doesn't necessarily mean they want to hang out.

14. When you do stay in and hang out together, you're super energized after three or four hours of conversation… and your introverted friends are tired and ready to go to bed.

15. When the group finally does decide to go out, everyone expects you to plan it.

16. And you accepted years ago that going out with your group means you'll always find yourself alone at the party after about one or two am.

17. Everyone expects you to be happy and upbeat all the time, even on the days you're feeling mellow.

18. You sometimes wish you had at least one close extroverted friend to help break you out of the funks that talking things out just won't fix.

19. But at the end of the day, you know that nothing could replace the balance your introverted friends bring to your life – they're the yin to your yang and you couldn't imagine your life without them. TC mark

15 Hilariously Honest Comments From New Parents About What It’s Really Like To Have Kids

Posted: 18 Sep 2015 01:07 PM PDT

Twenty20, charlesrocket
Twenty20, charlesrocket

1. “The difference between now (my daughter’s six months old) and the first three months is that there are slightly fewer moments when I want to kill myself.”

— Ruby, 26

beetlejuice

2. “My wife and I used to have sex. That’s all I have to say about being a new dad.”

— Dan, 30

beetlejuice

3. “I was not one of those women who fell in love with her baby immediately after giving birth, so I resent that whole trope about not knowing what love really is until the minute you’re cradling your infant. My daughter’s eighteen months old now and I love her like crazy, but it took me time to grow into my role as a mom. Don’t expect the gooey mess that emerges from your vagina to win you over right away.”

— Stacey, 31

beetlejuice

4."First, children ruin your relationship. Then they ruin your entire life. They’re ruthless little soul-sucking fuckers. But you love them anyway."

— Kevin, 34

beetlejuice

5. "I love being a mom, but I also love having full-time help. I’d lose my mind if I had to do it all by myself. I realize I sound totally jaded here, but how the hell do people do it???"

— Lauren, 37

beetlejuice

6."I wanted more than one kid—until I had one."

— Nate, 28

beetlejuice

7. “I'm tired of people glorifying pregnancy and parenthood. It sucks, okay? Being pregnant is terrible, and having a newborn isn’t all that wonderful, either. It’s exhausting and you look awful and feel awful and your baby is this non-speaking creature that just poops and sleeps and demands your attention. And yet, in my heart I want another one. That’s the weird thing about being human, I guess. We’re made to reproduce.”

— Kirsten, 28

beetlejuice

8."My kid is almost two now and her mom and I are divorced. I never thought I’d be grateful to be a divorced guy, but joint custody is a life saver. I don’t know what I’d do without my regular no-kid time, and my ex feels the same."

— Preston, 27

beetlejuice

9."Kids are idiots. It’s not they’re fault, but they’re dumb as fuck. I get so frustrated with the constant questioning from my five-year-old. But then she’ll say something that’s so stupid but also endearing and I want to cry with happiness because I love her so damn much. The other day, for instance, she asked whether my sweet tooth was on the top or bottom of my mouth. That killed me.”

— Erik, 33

beetlejuice

10. "I thought it was going to be really traumatic to leave my baby behind for the first time but we went on vacation as a couple two months after our little girl was born and it was AMAZING. It wasn't hard to be away from her at all, probably because we desperately needed some time to ourselves. You have to remember that you’re a better parent when your needs are being met too."

— Olivia, 25

beetlejuice

11. “I think it’s hilarious when my son cries. He looks so funny with his face all squished and contorted. I laugh out loud every single time. It’s not like he’s actually in any sort of trouble. He cries because he shits his pants and he looks ridiculous. If you can’t laugh at a crying baby, good luck with parenthood, man.”

— Jake, 32

beetlejuice

12. “The best part about having young kids is using them as an excuse to get out of stuff you don’t want to do at the last minute. I’ve been exploiting my twins to avoid bridal showers and after-work happy hours since the day they were scooped out of my uterus eight months ago and I don’t intend to stop until they’re old enough to rat me out accidentally.”

— Natasha, 29

beetlejuice

13."I’m convinced my IQ has dropped several points since becoming a mom. Talking to toddlers for hours on end will do it to you. If I have to speak to my three-year-old for one more minute today, I might just go brain dead."

— Bettina, 27

beetlejuice

14.“There’s not much for the man to do at first. I feel totally left out while my wife breast feeds. It’s a lot easier for the woman to connect in the beginning, that’s for sure. So far, fatherhood is weird and boring.”

— Michael, 27

beetlejuice

15. “Everyone starts off saying they’re never going to stick their kid in front of the TV or ipad because too much screen time is detrimental to brain development or whatever. Guess what? Screens are a mother’s BEST friend sometimes.”

— Violet, 31 TC mark

16 Women Explain Just How Weird It Is To Have An Accidental Orgasm

Posted: 18 Sep 2015 12:13 PM PDT

via twenty20/ivan_law
via twenty20/ivan_law

1. “I was in gymnastics in middle school and had one just hanging from the bars. At the time I had no idea what had happened, just that it felt amazing. I tried to make it happen again for weeks. Years later, I masturbated for the first time and I was like ‘oh, that’s what that was!'”

—Jenny, 22

beetlejuice

2. “I was at home one day reading and I sneezed three times in one of those rapid fire sneeze sessions where you’re totally out of control. I then had an orgasm and fell of my chair. Best part was that the sneezes were snotty so there I was halfway on the floor having an orgasm with snot on my hand.”

—Addison, 29

beetlejuice

3. “Untangling myself from a blanket wrapped between my legs on an airplane. I was 19 and felt so naughty at the time. Then I found out about the ‘mile high club’ and realized what a loser I was for thinking I’d done the naughtiest thing on a plane that had ever been done.”

—Evelyn, 26

beetlejuice

4. “When I was holding in a rowdy poo in my Econ 101 class my freshman year. It was horrifying. I haven’t had to work so hard to control my body since then and yes, I managed to hold it cause I’m a boss like that but that was an intensely anxious 30 seconds where I wasn’ t sure if I was in heaven or hell.”

—Sarah,

beetlejuice

5. “Horseback. I was on the equestrian team in high school and running my horse through some easy jumps and he got a little spooked by something and sped way up for a second. Anyway, something in the rhythm change made me rub a certain way and suddenly I was hanging on for dear life as I had the weirdest orgasm ever. I couldn’t look that horse in the eye for a week after and I felt totally exposed by having that happen in front of my teammates.”

—Mila, 24

beetlejuice

6. “On one of those sling shot rides at the fair where you’re tossed into the air and go up and down. I came so hard from that I lost a sandal. My friend was cracking up the whole time and she’s never let me live it down. It wasn’t actually unwelcome at all for me though. We were basically in private and she was my bestie. I thought it was hilarious more than anything.”

—Eva, 23

beetlejuice

7. “I was doing crunches at the gym my freshman year of college and really getting into them, working up a sweat, getting my strong on when I had an incredibly intense orgasm in front of about twenty people. I pretended that I’d gotten a really bad cramp instead but it was still mortifying.”

—Audrey, 21

beetlejuice

8. “Riding my bike. I was 7. I was horrified and I told my mom that something had stung my privates since I didn’t have any other words to use because I was seven years old. I don’t remember how it felt now so much as I just remember thinking that maybe something was wrong with me.”

—Ellie, 28

beetlejuice

9. “My Sophomore year of college I was crushing super hard on my Medieval Lit professor and of course my mind used to…wander in class pretty much all the time. Let’s just say I’d constructed a scenario so awesome that I got off right there and started gasping and people started looking at me. So, I forced this coughing fit to try to cover up the orgasm. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to do it again since although I’d prefer it didn’t happen in class again, ever. #noragrats.”

—Chloe, 24

beetlejuice

10. “I started doing yoga seriously about ten years ago and one year, out of absolutely nowhere, I had an extremely intense orgasm at the end of a class. Literally let out an ‘ooooh’ surrounded by people. Thankfully my studio is super chill. The teacher actually laughed and clapped and then other students started laughing and clapping. It was actually pretty awesome.”

—Alexis, 31

beetlejuice

11. “It’s silly but I had my first accidental orgasm after reading an article about kegel exercises in Cosmo. I was determined to have the strongest vag in the world and so I went in really intensely did tons of them every day for a few days. The great thing about kegels is that you can do them anywhere so I’d do them on the metro going to and from work. Well, wouldn’t you know it, I have this completely unexpected and earth shattering orgasm during my commute home and I end up bending over in my seat and pulling my hoodie over my head. I’m sure everyone else thought I was about to puke everywhere but I was in my own world.

Totally unplanned but kegels are magic.”

—Vicki, 26

beetlejuice

12. “I had an orgasm while pooping. It wasn’t fun at all. It was like eating a delicious piece of fruit with your head hanging over a full trash can.”

—Jamie, 24

beetlejuice

13. “My first orgasm was also an accidental one. I was twelve. I went to church camp every summer and they had a high ropes course there that required you to wear a harness. There’s nothing like experiencing the most intense pleasure you’ve ever felt while suspended forty feet in the air with your youth pastor belaying you and telling you ‘everything’s okay’ because he thinks you’re freaking out about falling.”

—Piper, 25

beetlejuice

14. “I was fourteen and four wheeling with my 17-year-old cousin (a girl) and I’m sitting behind her on the seat as we come off the top of this hill. She didn’t know it was going to be as big a drop as it was and we hit, bang, bang, bang. She managed to keep us from wrecking but when we came to a stop I had this kind of moaning death grip on her. So, my first orgasm was scary in two ways.”

—Julia, 20

beetlejuice

15. “I cheered in college and had this super weird orgasm doing splits in practice one day. I mean, I’d done a billion splits in high school and college and it had never happened then ‘bang’ I have one in practice. Unfortunately, I tend to pee a little bit when I have an orgasm sometimes so I sprinted into the locker room. No one really noticed but it was one of the more confusing experiences of my life. Orgasms aren’t all fun and games!”

—Camilla, 24

beetlejuice

16. “I haven’t thought about this in years but when I was in the 10th grade I was at a water park during summer break and they had this one hugely tall slide. It was the kind that you had to wait like a half hour in line to get to go down. Well, my turn arrives and I head down the slide with my legs slightly apart for balance and all this water is just rushing up and up and up and within seconds I was having this leg shaking orgasm. When I got to the bottom I’m sure I just flopped into the pool like a dead body because I was so relaxed. Talking to my friends later I absolutely wasn’t the only one who’d gotten that surprise.”

—Kaitlyn, 26 TC mark

13 Things That Happen When You’re Cluelessly Navigating Your Way Through The Modern Dating World

Posted: 18 Sep 2015 02:35 PM PDT

Twenty20 / javanandre
Twenty20 / javanandre

1. When you go on a date you dress like you’re going to work. You have no idea how to dress for a date, so you figure it’s the same as going to the office. It may take a few dinners and a movie to figure out you don’t need to wear a pant suit to the Hunger Games premiere.

2. You try to persuade your friends to double date because you’re too scared to date alone. You can’t imagine being the only one sitting across from him or her at the table. Your friend and her date will make you feel like less of a nervous wreck.

3. You make perfectly normal things seem completely awkward. What will you do when there’s silence while you’re chewing? It’s not an awkward silence if you both have food in your mouth. Things are only awkward when you make them awkward.

4. You seem to be attracted to anyone who’s married or already dating someone else. You don’t pursue them, but anytime you turn to your friends and say, “Oooh, look at the cutie over there,” you either see a ring on his finger a minute later, or he uses the phrase, “my girlfriend” within the first two minutes of meeting you.

5. You forget important information about your date because you’re too nervous to actually listen to what they’re saying. While he is telling you where he went to college and what he studied, you’re too busy thinking about his defined jawline. Try to concentrate less on the face that is speaking and more on the words that are coming out of his mouth.

6. You try the online thing, but never actually meet anyone. You have plenty of conversations virtually, but you just can’t seem to muster up the courage to meet them in person. You’ve seen far too many episodes of Catfish to take the risk.

7. You go for people who want to f*ck, not date. You’re ready for a relationship, which is why you’re trying to date in the first place, but every potential date you go for has other ideas in mind. If you know what you want, don’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t want the same thing.

8. Your friends are sick of giving you dating advice. You ask them so many questions, because you’re genuinely that clueless on how the whole dating thing works, but they can’t date for you, you have to figure some things out for yourself.

9. You have an idea of ‘Mr. or Mrs. Right,’ but go on dates with the exact opposite. You tell yourself you want someone who can carry an intriguing conversation, but you’re sitting across from a guy who won’t stop talking about his shoe size.

10. You mistake your immediate attraction for emotional connection. Just because you feel butterflies doesn’t mean you’re in love. Your physical desire to jump his bones is not the same thing as falling for him. You’ll figure out the difference eventually.

11. People ask you why you’re still single, and you never have an answer. Does there need to be a reason? That should be your response.

12. You ask your date really personal questions because you have no idea what’s too personal. Asking about his ex on the first date is probably not the best idea.

13. You try really hard to be yourself and end up being someone completely different. Easier said than done, but you don’t have to try to be yourself. You are who you are, and hopefully you’ll date someone who accepts that. TC mark

19 Times Aziz Ansari’s Twitter Was More Entertaining Than Anyone Else’s Ever

Posted: 18 Sep 2015 09:55 AM PDT

Parks and Recreation
Parks and Recreation

1. His ‘Jurassic World’ experiment.


2. The fantastic idea he had for hotel services.


3. When he posted this and the Parks fangirl within you had a heart attack. 


4. When he used cheesecake to prove a point. 


5. And then beat all the trolls to the punch. 


6. The fact that he does things like this and posts it on Twitter so someone can find it. 


7. And then someone actually finds it. 


8. When he shares the more interesting conversations that he overhears.


9. When he shares really cool facts from ‘Modern Romance.’


10. His understanding of what it’s like to be single.


11. When he reminded you that the Parks people are all friends in real life. 


12. When he summed up life so accurately. 


13. The way that he wishes people a Happy Halloween. 


14. The fact that he loves his parents so much. 


15. When he posted this and it was everything.


16. #MOUSERAT


17. When he knew how real HANGER can be. 


18. This sweet and hilarious bit about his dad. 


19. …That just keeps getting better.

Thanks, universe, for giving us Aziz Ansari. TC mark

14 Things People Who Lowkey Hate Summer Understand

Posted: 18 Sep 2015 08:42 AM PDT

arieastman
arieastman

1. The pure unadulterated joy of autumn beginning to whisper in the distance. “Almost, my love, almost!”

2. You cannot handle being overly hot. Or really, any temperature exceeding 76 degrees. Oversized sweaters and a slight chill in the air, please!

3. Your productivity decreases big time during the summer months. Not just because you’re tired and sluggish from the STUPID HEAT, but because you just…don’t really want to do much in general.

4. You find “summer activities” more of a hassle than enjoyable.

5. You just don’t get the fascination with the beach. Sure, it’s pretty. Sure, it’s nice to look at for maybe 5 minutes. But then you’re good! You’re basically Larry David in this episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

6. Not to mention, the obnoxious advertising for “getting a beach body.” I’m almost entirely sure you had a body already. Unless you were a floating ghost until summer appeared and BAM, you suddenly gained corporeal form.

7. Mosquitos. Those. God. Damn. Mosquitos. GET OUT OF HERE, NO ONE INVITED YOU INTO MY PERSONAL SPACE!

8. You feel like barbecuing is highly overrated. Like, yes, it’s nice every now and then. And can be a fun social gathering with friends. But why does every single person want to have a summer BBQ every weekend? There are only so many hot dogs and blackened pieces of chicken we can handle.

9. You can’t escape all the children. Now listen, I love kids. I always have. And eventually, I can’t wait to be a mother. But summer means summer holiday for kids. And it’s not an exaggeration to say for a few months they are EVERYWHERE. Screaming, touching things, having germs.

10. You cannot stand the feeling of being sweaty. Unless you just had a truly marvelous romp in the sack, being sticky like that is just not worthwhile. You’d rather stay inside with the AC and wait for cooler months to appear.

11. Your favorite holidays are during fall and winter. Fourth Of July is lame and overhyped, I’M SORRY, IT HAD TO BE SAID.

12. You love dressing in layers. Sweaters, long-sleeves, beanies, scarves, etc. So many fun options! Whereas summer is basically just a game of how naked can you acceptably get.

13. Drinking hot beverages just means you are going to be miserable and a sudden sweat factory. You don’t want to be denied your hot latte! And don’t you tell us iced coffee is a fine substitute because it’s NOT THE SAME.

14. Your idea of a perfect time is a slightly rainy and stormy night. You can bundle up in blankets with candles lit, maybe just peacefully listen to the sound of it outside. Nowhere you have to be, just cozy and snuggled up. Bliss. Actual bliss. TC mark