Thought Catalog

Thought Catalog

7 Things Men Need From Sex In Order For It To Be Considered “Good”

Posted: 07 Sep 2015 06:42 PM PDT

For a women’s perspective, read this one.

1. Our ego to be stroked.

We want to get off and we want to feel like we are sex gods while we do it. Not only do we want to get you off, we want you to have an uncontrollable, mind-blowing orgasm (you know, because we’re so good at fucking you). We want an enthusiastic girl who gets swept up in sex with us, who loves every second of it, who makes us feel like we’ve underestimated our prowess. Our greatest fear is the woman who is a dead fish in bed, not because she’s “bad” performance-wise but because she is passionless. She is in bed — with us — and she couldn’t be more bored.

Some of this, like how wet you are (which we definitely read into while also rationally knowing isn’t a perfect scientific indicator of how turned on we’ve made you), you can’t control, but a lot of our perceived performance is at your mercy. Number one, never talk about past lovers. We want to think we’ve brought out your wild and kinky side, not that it has nothing to do with us personally. Two: make sure you communicate loudly and clearly when you are enjoying yourself. Tell us what you like. Moan (loudly) when we’re doing something right. Text us your favorite part the next day. Our enjoyment is tethered to your enjoyment, so when we know you’re having the best time ever, we do too.

2. Eye Candy

You’ve probably heard a million times that men are “visual creatures” but we are. We find a lot of beauty in the female form. We want to look at it and touch it in it’s un-photoshopped glory. Please, don’t be shy about your body. You should show off, confident in the knowledge that if we’re in bed with you, we’re excited about what it looks like. It’s also a compliment to the man to leave a bit of your inhibition at the door — like we can transport you to this world where your insecurities don’t even exist.

As part of foreplay, consider letting him watch you masturbate. Not only will the show turn him on, but he’ll be a student of the master — watching which motions and speeds turn you on that he should emulate later.

3. A partner who loves to explore.

Is there anything better than a woman who’s game for anything? A fun-loving partner who is down to experiment (and enjoy herself doing it) is what every man dreams of. We don’t want to talk you into anything, we want you to be just as into it as we are.

4. Compliments.

Before, during, after.

5. A partner who doesn’t view sex as a special occasion obligation.

If sex was a food pyramid, it should be the base, not the top. Sex with us shouldn’t be a chore, it should be a natural, several times a week expression of affection in our relationship. Please don’t make us beg for it, buy you jewelry for it, wait for a birthday or vacation for it, or generally make us feel like unequal and unwanted partners.

If you’re not feeling the sex in your relationship, you can do this magical thing called talking about it. Maybe we need to be made aware that we aren’t making you feel desired, maybe our lives our too busy, maybe you’re schedule is too busy and we need to help you out. Whatever the problem is, talking about it can only help. Don’t leave us over here alone and in the dark!

6. An eager student.

The honest to god truth is that a girl who wants to be good in bed is good in bed.

Plus anything you do outside of bedroom time, like doing kegals, exploring your own body through masturbation, reading sexy stories, or even paging through Cosmo benefits us. We are your number one supporters in all your sexual adventures — even the ones that don’t involve us.

7. Your undivided attention.

And for the love of god please never, ever check your phone during sex. TC mark

7 Things Women Need From Sex In Order For It To Be Considered “Good”

Posted: 07 Sep 2015 04:47 PM PDT

For a man’s perspective, read this one.

1. To not feel pressured to have an orgasm.

Men and women’s bodies are different but we often treat men as if they are the default for both genders. For men, having an orgasm is the climax of sex. Women can have an orgasm at the beginning of sex and keep going — this is fact alone should clue us into the different role an orgasm can play. Many women find it difficult to orgasm from sex, but we also know that men get a sense of pride from making us come. This is one reason so many women fake it (though, another is that the sound of our orgasm can cause the real thing to occur).

The best sex gets us out of our heads and into our bodies. Remove the worry from a woman’s brain that she won’t make you happy if she doesn’t orgasm and she’ll be free to be in the moment and purely enjoy herself.

2. Pleasure.

That said, whether or not an orgasm happens, we should feel like we aren’t just interchangeable receptacles for a man’s lust. I like to think that sex for a man is a plated dinner while sex for a woman is a buffet. For men, there’s the Main Event (penis in vagina sex) that they want, but for women there are so many more options and we want to sample a few small plates. If you want to make a woman feel good, don’t focus on the orgasm, focus on pleasure. Oral, kissing, touching, talking — these are the things that make us feel like you are here for us, too.

3. Foreplay that starts long before you get to the bedroom.

If you want truly mind-blowing sex, you need to start before you get in bed. Never lose the part of your relationship where you are physically affectionate when it isn’t leading to sex — hold hands when you’re walking, kiss and hug hello and goodbye, rub each other’s shoulders when you’re watching TV. Send her a text at the beginning of the day telling her she looked sexy when she left that morning. Tell her you can’t wait to see her. Desire is often a self-fulfilling prophecy, when you tell someone they are desired, they feel desirable, which puts them in the mood of desiring.

4. Compliments.

Before, during, after.

5. Communication

Ask what she likes, tell her what you like. This can happen explicitly, by asking “do you like this?” and saying “that feels awesome” or through paying attention to what makes her breathe a little quicker. This also seems to come as a surprise to men, but just as the sound of a woman moaning turns you on, women like to hear men are excited too. Don’t be silent the whole time.

6. A partner they trust enough to embarrass themselves in front of.

Sex isn’t the most comfortable thing in the world to do with someone you don’t trust. You’re naked in front of them, and fear of them judging your body can harsh the buzz of otherwise good sex. If you want a woman to enjoy sex, and especially if you want a woman to try new sex things with you (especially potentially messy or embarrassing things), you need to make sure she knows your affection for her isn’t going to waver if you see her at an unflattering angle or something awkward happens. A partner you trust and feel desired by is the best aphrodisiac.

7. Cuddling + pillow talk

If I could get men to understand one thing about sex it would be that sex is not just the penis in vagina part and everything else is “extra”. Foreplay and cuddling are part of the whole. What if you paid for an expensive hotel room and had an amazing, relaxing experience, but they woke you up at midnight to kick you out of bed? Would you go back? How things end color our experiences in a disproportionate way. We’ve just been vulnerable and intimate with you, we need a few minutes of connection to cement the experience in place before we move on with our day (or night). TC mark

I Couldn’t Call You To Say Happy Birthday

Posted: 05 Sep 2015 09:33 PM PDT

Screen Shot 2015-09-05 at 9.31.31 PM

I'm beginning to believe I won't ever love someone the same way I loved you.

And that’s not supposed to be melodramatic or some boo-hoo bullshit that has my parents calling me and wondering, “you okay?”

I think this is just something I've finally decided to accept. Something I'm not going to question anymore. It doesn't need to be a great mystery, why your laugh is still the only thing that gives me flippy-butterflies that land somewhere in my throat.

I'm done trying to dissect it, picking it apart, searching for some sort of meaning. It doesn’t need to be solved.

Maybe some things are just the way they are. We don’t get reasons or closure. We can’t tie everything up neatly with a pretty bow.

I'll be okay. I know that. It's not that I don't think I'll love deeply again. Because I have. I've kissed and touched and seen promising futures in men I truly adored.

But expecting it to ever feel like us? That's been my undoing. That's been the knot in my stomach whenever someone new seems wonderful. That's the fear I hate verbalizing. But I'm trying to, lately.

I think this is how I start to get better.

I wish I could tell you these things face-to-face. I wish I could show you the scars I have from loving you and how glad I am they never healed. I like having pieces of us with me. Because you made me so much of what I am today. You gave me so much to believe in, to look forward to, to keep going for. You weren’t just my light at the end of the tunnel, you were my reason to push through the darkness.

I wanted to call you tonight to say, "Happy birthday, you're still my guy."

But I couldn’t. Because you're not. Even if I wish you were. You're not mine to love. You're not mine to tell silly stories to. You're not mine to hug and say, "I'm so happy you're back home," to anymore.

I hope it was the best day.

Because, honestly?

23 years and you are still my best day. TC mark

Obviously Ross And Rachel Are Divorced: Here’s Where All The “Friends” Are In 2015

Posted: 04 Sep 2015 07:40 AM PDT

Come September, it will have been 21 years since Friends was first introduced to the world. All 10 seasons are streamed on Netflix and are constantly being rerun on TBS, but what would they be doing today? Rachel, the youngest of the group, would be 43; while Ross and Phoebe would be 46. Let’s speculate what they’ve been up to since that famous, tear-jerking 2004 finale.

1. Rachel Green.

We're The Millers
We’re The Millers

Obviously Ross and Rachel are divorced. Their split started out amicably enough, with promises about always staying friends and being good co-parents for Emma's sake, but things went downhill pretty quickly after Rachel accepted another job in Paris and Ross accused her of resenting him for begging her to stay the last time she'd tried to move overseas. Sick of Ross' unending sob circus, Rachel bluntly told him that yes, she did resent him, not just for Paris but for all the other times he held her back career-wise. Rachel then asked Ross to give her some space, but he continued to send her a barrage of texts and messages until she finally blocked his number and email address. They now only communicate through their lawyers.

After returning to New York in 2011, Rachel started her business as a "sartorial curator" (her term). She specializes in revamping the wardrobes of recently divorced women, and has gained a strong reputation as the It Girl of that niche market. She's absolutely merciless when it comes to throwing out old pieces that are either outdated or the wrong size or have bad memories associated with them, and is a genius at filling in the gaps with new items perfectly suited to her clients. Socialite Tinsley Mortimer recently said that she has no idea how she would have made it intact through her split from Topper without Rachel's help.

Two years ago Ross' son Ben, then in his late teens, reached out to Rachel, saying that he wanted to get to know his half sister. Since then, Rachel has become very close with Carol and Susan, and they've been a huge help in raising Emma. Saturday night often finds Carol, Susan and Rachel drinking wine and laughing about how terrible Ross is. Sometimes Emily skypes in from England (she and Rachel reconnected while Rachel was living in Paris). It seems funny to them that such an amazing friendship was born out of the ashes of three terrible relationships ("like beautiful flowers growing out of a pile of manure," Carol said once), but they can't help being grateful for the strange circumstances that brought them all together.

Rachel can quote most of Sex and the City from memory.

2. Ross Geller.


Ross is still at New York University, in spite of being widely known as one of the worst professors there. He has dated several of his students and each time has manipulated them into not telling the university administration about their relationship by saying that if he gets fired, he won't be able to pay child support and his children will starve. Because of this, no formal complaints have ever been made against him, although he does have a reputation on campus as a whiny womanizer. Female first year students are often warned not to go to his office after hours unless they want to be coerced into pity makeouts.

In 2012, Ross published a book called The Science Behind Jurassic Park, which spent a remarkable twelve weeks on the New York Times bestseller list. He and Neil deGrasse Tyson began a friendship on twitter, which then progressed to email and finally meeting in person. Phoebe recently bumped into Ross and Neil while they were out for coffee together, and although Ross was dismissive and condescending to Phoebe, Neil was completely charmed by her. Ross doesn't know that Phoebe and Neil have met twice since then for herbal tea.

When the Red Wedding episode of Game of Thrones aired, Ross posted a lengthy Facebook status shaming people who hadn't read the book before watching the show (and gleefully pointing out every discrepancy between the two).

Ross worries on a daily basis that George R.R. Martin will die before finishing his next book.

3. Phoebe Buffay.

The Comeback
The Comeback

Phoebe is still married to Mike, and they are happily childless. Phoebe has come up with a variety of hilarious responses when people ask her why she doesn't have children, but the truth is that she just doesn't want to. People kept telling her "Wait until you're older, you'll change your mind," but she's 46 now and still has no interest in having her own kids. She prefers being the cool aunt to her brother's triplets and often lets them stay over at her place when Frank and Alice need a break.

With Mike's encouragement, Phoebe went back to school in her late thirties and became a social worker. She now counsels homeless teenagers through a youth outreach project. She tells herself that if she can help at least one kid get back on their feet then she'll have repaid her karmic debt, but the truth is that she's almost certainly done more for those kids than she'll ever realize. On top of everything else, the teens all especially love the fact that their counsellor actually knows what it's like to live on the streets.

Phoebe continues to work as a masseuse, although only on weekends, and only with animal clients. She recently developed a combination of essential oils that combats even the strongest pet odours. She markets it under the name Smelly Cat, and it's available at both Whole Foods and Trader Joe's.

Phoebe still does not own a smart phone, and swears that she never will.

4. Joey Tribbiani.


Joey spent a few years in pretty dire straits, with all of his acting jobs drying up and few other sources of income. He spent some time living in Chandler and Monica's basement, trading babysitting for room and board. It turns out he's pretty good with kids, and he was thinking of starting his own nannying business when his big break came in 2013.

Just weeks after dropping his critically-acclaimed album Nothing Was The Same, singer Drake tweeted "Shout out to Drake Ramoray, the inspiration for my name." The character Drake Ramoray instantly became a wildly popular internet meme, and Joey was suddenly flooded with job offers. As he made guest appearances on popular sitcoms and charmed his way through the talk show circuit, his popularity only increased. He most recently collaborated on a soap opera buddy comedy with Seth Rogen, and is currently working on a memoir called From Ramoray, With Love.

Embracing the medium of twitter after Drake's now-infamous tweet, Joey was soon turned onto hashtag activism. He uses it to promote ideas about enthusiastic consent, a concept that's been important to him before he even knew there was a specific term for it. Joey considers himself to be a sex-positive feminist, although he's still not entirely sure what "feminist" means.

5. Monica Geller.

Cougar Town
Cougar Town

Combining her love of food with the emotional scars left from a lifetime of her parents' bullying and fat jokes, Monica became a body-positive nutritionist. A fierce advocate of Healthy At Any Size, Monica works primarily with teenage girls, encouraging them to love and care for their bodies.

With Chandler's help, Monica recently started a public awareness campaign called Stunning At Any Size; the campaign showcases bodies of all sizes, ages, races and ethnicities, and though Monica has received a lot of flak for it from various fat-phobic jerks, it is generally considered to be a resounding success.

Monica does not allow anyone to use the term "obesity epidemic" in her presence.

When Monica's parents visit, they only ever talk about Ross' career, especially his book. By this point, Monica actually prefers it that way. Her father once refer to Stunning At Any Size as "your little thing with the pictures of the fat women," and Monica politely but firmly told him to leave her house. He hasn't mentioned it since.

Monica loves Taylor Swift.

6. Chandler Bing.

Web Therapy
Web Therapy

After years of fighting his attraction to men, Chandler finally gave in and had an affair with a hot young coworker. After lying to Monica, his children and everyone else for months, Chandler had a breakdown over Thanksgiving Dinner (of course). This led to a brief hospitalization, and after his release and weeks of intensive therapy, Chandler was able to admit to Monica that what frightened him the most was the idea of turning into his father and abandoning his family.

Monica told Chandler that she loved him but didn't want to stay together with him just for the kids, especially if he wasn't attracted to her. He insisted that he was, in fact, attracted to her and still very much in love with her, but that he also wanted to sleep with men. After a few false starts and some stumbling along the way, Monica and Chandler now have a loving and supportive non-monogamous relationship. Monica did initially have a hard time with Chandler dating other people, but seeing how happy he was made it easier for her. Last year, Monica reconnected with Richard, and the two have been an item ever since. Monica now channels all of her controlling tendencies into her carefully-maintained Google calendar, which she uses to schedule plenty of time with both Chandler and Richard, and also to make sure she gets the kids to soccer practice on time.

Monica and Chandler are doing their best to raise Erica and Jack in a healthy, loving household. Monica makes sure never to make comments about their weight or how much they're eating, and Chandler spends quality time with them by taking them out to Broadway musicals and his queer parenting drop in group. Monica, Chandler and the kids attend Pride every year, and it's become a family tradition. Erica and Jack attend an alternative school, and plenty of their classmates have non-traditional families. They have lots of friends and love telling people that Thanksgiving turned their dad gay. TC mark

9 Couples On What They Learned About Love When Sh*t Hit The Fan In Their Lives

Posted: 04 Sep 2015 09:57 AM PDT atteberry atteberry

1. Cancer diagnosis

"When Alli and I were in the doctor's office and the word 'tumor' came out of the doctor's mouth, everything turned black around us. It was the last thing we expected. We weren't planning for this, and this was like a nuclear bomb blowing up all our plans. We still don't know what's going to happen or if she'll make it out the other end alive. But when you or a loved one are dying, you realize the most important thing in life is love itself. Hatred just seems so shallow. Love is the only reason we're here in the first place."

—Ronnie, 28


2. A child's autism diagnosis

"We thought our little boy was deaf at first. So we took him to a hearing specialist—his hearing was fine. Then we took him to a neurologist and when we were told he was severely autistic, there was a sense of loss and sadness unlike anything either of us had ever felt. But then we realized it was almost selfish to feel sad, because we needed to spend every waking minute trying to help him. We created this life and we had to take care of it, and that meant letting go of every little stupid difference and argument and every shred of stupid pride. What we learned was that when you're in love, sometimes neither one of you is as important as the little guy who needs you."

—Jim, 29


3. Job loss

"They say that when you go through something bad, you learn who your real friends are. You also learn who really loves you. When my boyfriend was suddenly laid off, I went from paying half our bills to paying all our bills. We were barely squeaking by for a couple months, because I don't really make that much money. But you know why I didn't get angry at him? Because I knew it wasn't his fault that he got laid off and that he was trying his best to find a new job. So we just held hands and walked through that hurricane together until he found an even better job. Best thing is that I know if I suddenly find myself unemployed, he'll have my back, too. And that's the real meaning of love—having one another's back."

—Kat, 24


4. Car accident

"You always hear about horrible tragedies, but I just think there's something about the human ego that refuses to believe it'll ever happen to you. Well, it happened—I was in a vicious car accident. Got T-boned on my way to work and had my leg broken in three places. Was in a cast up to my hip for three months. He fed me while I was stuck in bed, read to me, watched my favorite Netflix shows with me, and never once even mentioned sex, which would have been impractical anyway given the giant plaster stump attached to my leg. What I learned is that sex has very little to do with true love."

—Tessa, 22


5. Finances wiped out

"I fell in love with Jeff long before I knew he came from an 'old money' family. I mean, it was nice knowing that we'd have financial security, but that was NOT the reason I fell in love with him. Then after a series of business failures and stock-market disasters, his father declared bankruptcy. This completely wiped out Jeff's inheritance. But you know what remained? Jeff—the man I fell in love with."

—Brandi, 25


6. Bigoted parents and friends

"My girlfriend is black and I'm white, and both our parents on both sides hate the fact that we're together. Not to mention a lot of our friends who we'd never suspect would have a problem with it. It's not even like this all 'pulled' us closer together—it's like it squashed us together. Suddenly we found ourselves almost completely isolated socially, but instead of panicking, we just pretended we were alone together on a beautiful little tropical island. All the problems in the world wouldn't amount to anything so long as she was by my side. Everything else would just melt away in a blur. I learned that love is stronger than prejudice and even more important than friends or family."

—Dave, 27


7. Mother's suicide

"I'd been with my boyfriend only about two months when my estranged alcoholic mother swallowed a fatal dose of painkillers. I must have worn out three of his shirts just by crying on his shoulder. And somehow, after a while, it got better. I felt like I'd come out the other end of a meat grinder in one piece. When my mom committed suicide, I remembered everything bad I'd ever done to her or said to her, and it made me feel awful. So I vowed to never act that way to the man I loved."

—John, 23


8. Infidelity

"We had only been going out a couple weeks, but I was already head-over-heels for my boyfriend when I found out through a mutual friend that he'd been making out hot and heavy with another girl at a party. My heart and trust were shattered like broken glass. I felt like my guts were ripped out of me, but he just calmly placed them all back in, cried his eyes out, admitted he had a problem, and begged me to give him one more chance. And so I did, which many of my friends thought was foolish. Now, there's damage you can't undo, so you learn to let the wounds heal, don't pick the scabs, and let the scar tissue. You learn what you will and won't forgive. Or not even won't—what you can't forgive. But I took a gamble, rolled the dice, and forgave him. Three years later, he's not my boyfriend anymore. That's because he's my husband."

—Maria, 26


9. Addiction issues

"I met him because we worked at the same bar together and we used to have these great discussions after closing time while we were cleaning up. He made some vague remark about having some substance-abuse problems in the distant past, but I didn't think anything of it—that is, until I received the call from the emergency room that he'd overdosed on heroin. I rushed to the hospital and saw him looking like a pathetic helpless little boy all hooked up to wires and tubes. I wanted to strangle him with those wires, but instead I held his hand and, choking back tears, I said, 'I hate you for what you've done—but more importantly, I still love you.' He looked back at me and started bawling like an infant. It's been a year, and he still goes to meetings and hasn't relapsed once. I learned why people become homeless or alcoholics or suicide victims—because no one was around to love them." TC mark

—Stephanie, 23

I’m An All-American ‘Immigrant’

Posted: 04 Sep 2015 09:13 AM PDT

Flickr / ctj71081
Flickr / ctj71081

I speak fucking English. I'm saying that because it's almost always that I have to defend how American I am to every ignorant person I come across in airports or in packed supermarkets on July 4th when all the assholes get to decide how “American” you are. I was born in Southern California so I don't have any memories of my native country Somalia all I know of it are stories my mother nostalgically tells as we sit at her feet on summer nights.

When my parents moved here after the civil war back home, they settled in an area packed with other immigrants from the Philippines, Mexico, Thailand, Iraq, and other East African countries. I never felt like I was an oddity until we moved to a suburb where immigrants like us were far and few in between.

The first thing I learned about immigrant kids is that we have to choose new names. Something easy. Something your teacher won't fuck up. It doesn't matter if your name means something beautiful in your language all that matters is that you pick something that will be easy for lazy tongues. I picked Ko because it was the first two letters of my actual name and because it was a form of resistance since in Somali Ko is the number one. I was a coward for abandoning a name that meant river in heaven for two letters that don't mean shit to me.

My cultural food was embarrassing to me for a long time. I remember the first time someone asked why we eat with our hands and why we didn't have utensils in our poor country. His mom's meatloaf tasted like ass, but at the time I settled for lunchables over my mom's warm roti and sautéed chicken suqaar because of his comment.

I learned to translate at a pretty young age. My parents would worry that people wouldn't understand them through their accent and had me speak on behalf of them. At the time I had this super stereotypical Valley Girl accent (worked on getting rid of it) and my dad was extremely proud of it. He would boast to his friends that I was very American and you couldn't even tell that I spoke another language. My dad speaks Arabic and Somali — both more difficult and complex than English yet he used to cower at the thought of speaking English. I think I've seen hundreds of videos of assholes telling immigrants just like my dad to “Go back home,” or “In America we speak English.”

Back home I'm too “American” and here I'm not “American” enough. I wonder where this magical America where english is the only language is. I have seen streets filled with stores all written in Chinese or Vietnamese. Their language engulfs the entire street and I forget I'm in Southern California for a hot second. In America, we speak acceptance. Acceptance means being comfortable when someone doesn't speak your language and it also means respectfully interacting with others. Acceptance means when you see a store sign written in another language it doesn't mean, “GET OUT! WE DON'T WANT YOU HERE!” It means, “Come experience something different and new.”

Stop being a little bitch and expecting everyone to be like you and start opening your eyes. Maybe learn another language you'll be surprised at how much it'll change the way you look at others. TC mark

Call Me A Tease, I Dare You

Posted: 04 Sep 2015 08:57 AM PDT

Twenty20 / armisan
Twenty20 / armisan

Go ahead, call me a tease. If that's what makes you feel like more of a man, then feel free to flatter yourself because they'll be no flattery from me.

If you say it in efforts of persuasion, it won't lure me in, it will lead me out. You will say it and I will grimace an expression you have never seen from me before because your remark is so special it deserves that occasion.

Go ahead, call me a tease. If that's your way of fighting back, then your sadly mistaken because my declining of your offer wasn't meant to be a jab or hit, but I guess that's what you've confused honesty for.

Call me a tease so that I feel unjustly apologetic because I shouldn't have to feel sorry for wanting what I want, and not wanting what I don't. If you think that title will make me feel sympathy for your sore ego, you're wrong.

Call me a tease so that I question if I am one. Your confidence is exhausting so why not diminish mine while yours is receding? If I'm the tease then whose loss is it? Yours or mine?

Call me a tease because you're full of disappointment, but realize it's a product of your expectations. Don't blame me for your assumptions, because it was your foolishness that made them.

Call me a tease so that you feel more desired because clearly if I'm teasing you it means I want you that much more, right? Keep telling yourself that.

Call me a tease because you think it will keep me coming back for more, and call me a tease again when I don't. TC mark

40 Dumb Jokes Based On Smart Wordplay That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

Posted: 04 Sep 2015 07:17 AM PDT

Twenty20, arinaerish
Twenty20, arinaerish

1. What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?


2. Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

3. How do fish get high?


4. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

Everything’s fine. He woke up.

5. What does a grape say after it’s stepped on?

Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.

6. Why don’t teddy bears ever order dessert.

Because they’re always stuffed.

7. What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

8. What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?

It gets toad away.

9. I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

10. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup!

11. Did you hear about the guy who broke both his left arm and left leg?

He’s all right now.

12. What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

13. What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?

Wipes his ass.

14. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

Because he had a great fall.

15. People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”

I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”

16. I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger…

And then it hit me.

17. I went to the bank the other day and asked the teller to check my balance.

The bitch pushed me, but I couldn’t really blame her.

18. What do computers snack on?


19. How come oysters never donate to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

20. What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?

You’re too young to smoke.

21. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

A Juan on Juan.

22. What’s the tallest building in the world?

The library, cause it has the most stories.

23. How do trees get online?

They log in.

24. Why did the scarecrow keep getting promoted?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

25. What car does Jesus drive?

A Christler.

26. Money doesn’t grow on trees, right?

So why does every bank have so many branches?

27. Why did the pig leave the party early?

Because everyone thought he was a boar.

28. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

There’s no point.

29. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police better be on the lookout for two hardened criminals.

30. Why are barns so noisy?

Because all the cows have horns.

31. What do you call someone wearing a belt with a watch attached to it?

A waist of time.

32. What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?

One says, “Spit out your gum” and the other says, “Choo choo choo.”

33. What did the janitor yell after he jumped out of the closet?


34. How can you get four suits for a dollar?

Buy a deck of cards.

35. What’s so great about being a hitman?

They all kill it.

36. Why didn't the melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe.

37. What do you say to a drunk who walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck?

“You can stay. Just don’t try to start anything.”

38. A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke.

Thank goodness it was a soft drink.

39. What’s the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

40. If April showers bring May flowers, what comes next in June?

Pilgrims. TC mark 

9 Types Of Wasted Girls Get, And What It Says About Them

Posted: 04 Sep 2015 07:16 AM PDT

Twenty20 / rodicioc
Twenty20 / rodicioc

1. Love Drunk

BeyoncĂ© was clearly onto something. This is the type of drunk when you literally love everything, and feel the need to exclaim it with every drink that follows. You love your friends, you love this song, you love this bar, you love this boy you met on the dance floor two minutes ago. Oops you let that one slip. You don’t really love him.

2. I Hate My Ex Drunk

Sometimes we drown our sorrows in alcohol, but in this case your giving your anger a flotation device. You just went through a breakup that was somewhere on the scale from mediocre to catastrophe, and you currently hate your ex because of it. Every drink unveils one more thing you hate about them. It’s a night of venting. Air it all out.

3. Rebound Drunk

Similar to I Hate My Ex Drunk, Rebound Drunk is an attempt to let go and prove your still desirable. Whether you’re proving it to yourself or your ex, you just need to converse (and possibly a lot more) with someone who is not them. You probably had this goal in mind before you got drunk, and as your tab is piling up, you become that much more determined to accomplish it.

4. Horny Drunk

Your drink may as well be lady Viagra because that glass of Pinot Grigio just made you instantly horny. This is the type of drunk when you are either on the prowl for potential prospects or you’re already texting the guaranteed deal. When you’re Horny Drunk you’re basically a different person who is a little more desperate and a little less embarrassed about it.

5. I Hate Love Drunk

This is pretty self explanatory. This type of drunk is when you can’t bear to see any public display of affection, and couples in love make you want to vomit. You’re currently sour towards the thought of love for various potential reasons, and while you sip on your vodka cranberry you’d rather not be reminded of it. You’re like the Scrooge of going out, anyone who tries to hit on you or even looks at you, you scowl at or roll your eyes.

6. Rebellious Drunk

You may as well be wearing a black leather jacket and pull up to the bar on a motorcycle. This is the type of drunk you get when someone or something is attempting to control you, and you don’t have time to be tamed. The more this person or thing tells you what to do, the more you want to do the exact opposite. You’re feeling reckless and you’re going to allow your sense of adventure to lead the way. This is when you do things you’ll laugh at the next morning, but might regret later on in the day.

7. Lost Drunk

Some might interpret the Lost Drunk quite literally, as in you get drunk, lost, and wake up asking, “Where the hell am I?” but this type of Lost Drunk is meant to be interpreted more poetically. You’re at a point in your life where you don’t have direction. You don’t know exactly what you want, and you don’t know exactly where you want to be, whether it’s with your career, your love life, or having to move back into your parents’ home. When you get drunk while you’re feeling lost, you will either have a drunken epiphany that you won’t remember in the morning, or you’ll end up feeling more lost than before. The Lost Drunk is simply that, lost.

8. Just Want To Get F*cked Up Drunk

You don’t necessarily need a reason why. It’s like a weird craving, but instead of peanut butter and potato chips, you want to chug a beer from a funnel and do a keg stand. Even if your college days are long gone, you still have nights (or days) when you just want to get fucked up.

9. Girls’ Night Drunk

Nothing beats a night getting drunk with your best friends. You could be staying in applying face masks while sipping on Chardonnay, or you could be wearing your skimpiest dresses dancing in a packed club only with each other. The Girls’ Night Drunk is one of a kind. There are no substitutes. TC mark

This Is The Knock-Knock Joke That Has The Entire Internet Laughing

Posted: 04 Sep 2015 03:51 PM PDT

Flickr / studio tdes
Flickr / studio tdes

Some dude just wanted to post a simple knock-knock joke on Facebook, but somehow everything went hilariously wrong.

Instead of letting him finish his post, some friends jumped in and made the whole “joke” more funny that it could have possibly been otherwise:

Source: Imgur

Maybe this is the start of a Facebook revival?? TC mark