Thought Catalog

7 Things You Only Think About When You’re Not Really In Love With Someone

Posted: 14 Oct 2015 10:00 AM PDT


1. Whether or not you're meant to be. When you're with the right
person, you're too busy actually being with them that you don't really have the need to stop and evaluate it to any intense degree. Wondering whether or not it's "right" sooner than you start trying to see whether or not it's "right" is the #1 sign that it isn't.

2. Plans for how you're going to cope with the things you already don't like about them. You barter in your mind, as though they're property you're committing yourself to: well I like this thing, so I guess I'll have to deal with this other not-great one. People who are actually in love are delusionally hopeful. Planning to cope with the things you already don't like about them isn't being realistic, it's what happens when you don't love them enough to say "whatever, it's worth it."

3. What you're losing. Time with your friends, a bit of autonomy, the possibility of meeting someone else, the youth in which you suddenly long to be wild and free. When you start thinking about what you're losing in proportion – if not more so – than what you're gaining, you know you're not really in love.

4. That love doesn't feel as good as you'd hoped. Love will always feel different than we imagine, but usually it's different and better. If it doesn't feel as good as you imagined, it's not right. It may not look the way you imagined, or come when you imagined, but the kind of love worth sticking around – and trying for – will always exceed your emotional expectations.

5. How other people are perceiving the relationship. An element of "caring what others think" isn't what's abnormal, it's basing how "good" and "right" the relationship is based on how approvingly other people look on that's a problem. You'd think this sounds so simple that nobody would actually do that but, uh, they do, it just doesn't seem so obvious at the time.

6. How you're going to respond, rather than what they're saying. In other words, you don't see or accept them for who and how they are. You're more focused on who you are in the relationship than you are connecting with them. A good way to tell is when you're having a conversation, do you focus on what they're sharing with you, or what you want to say next?

7. How they need to be better, and it's more insidious cousin: How you can help them become better. If you're already thinking "well, they'll be great once they get that different job and change their clothes and grow up a little," you do not love them, they are simply there to fill a role in your life. You cannot change people, you can only love them. And coming up with ideas of how you need to change them, is usually the first indication that the latter doesn't feel possible for you. TC mark

6 Ways To Be The Best Girlfriend He’s Ever Had

Posted: 14 Oct 2015 05:18 AM PDT

Twenty20 / rgags
Twenty20 / rgags

There is so much misinformation out there on what it takes to be a great girlfriend. It's not about cooking his favorite food or wearing sexy lingerie or mastering some crazy sexual trick (not saying these things don't help, but they don't get to the heart of the matter!).

Understanding how men think and what they need in a relationship makes an enormous difference in the way you are able to relate to one another.

The top prerequisite for being in a great relationship is to be your best self. A trap that many people in relationships fall into is blaming their partner when problems arise. Rather than seeing what they can do to make things better, they blame him for not being what they want and think that if only he did XYZ, then everything would be fine.

It doesn't work that way, though. You can't ever make someone what you want them to be. All you can do is bring your best. When you do this, the other person will usually rise up and match you at this level.

Here are six ways to be the most amazing girlfriend ever

1. Be Direct (Not Passive Aggressive)

The majority of problems in a relationship occur because the woman expects a man to meet her needs, and then resents him when he doesn't. She doesn't ask for what she wants because he should just "know." She may drop hints to help him out and then become even more annoyed when he doesn't pick up on them. The man, in turn, gets frustrated that nothing he does seems to be good enough. Eventually he gets discouraged and stops trying and she feels even more resentful.

Neither side has bad intentions, the problem is they aren't communicating properly and the reason is because men and women have very different styles of communication. Men do not pick up on nuances and subtleties in the same way women do, they need things spelled out in a clear and direct manner.

If you're mad at him, don't act passive aggressive until he asks what's wrong (to which you may reply "nothing," and he'll take that to mean nothing is wrong and you will continue to simmer because he should freakin' know it's something!), just tell him what it is he did wrong. In relationships it's not usually what you say, it's how you say it.

If you tell a guy something he is doing that is upsetting or hurting you in a loving, compassionate way, I guarantee he will try to fix it.

If you come from a place of anger or resentment, he'll shut down and will be less motivated to correct it. Freud is regarded as one of the most brilliant minds in psychology and even he had no idea what women want, so how do you expect the average guy to do it?

Most arguments in relationships stem from deeper underlying issues that never get discussed or resolved. Maybe a woman feels like her guy doesn't really care about her, or isn't committed to her because he isn't as attentive as he was in the beginning of the relationship, and instead of being direct about it, she freaks out on him if he doesn't call her back one night or doesn't do the dishes after she slaved away cooking dinner for him. From there a big fight may ensue over something trivial while the real issue goes untouched. When you want something, or don't want something, just tell him.

2. Appreciate Him

Most women don't realize how starved men are for appreciation, I certainly had no idea until I started writing about relationships full-time. The problem is that we usually love others the way we like to feel love. Women typically feel loved when a man is being giving and attentive to her and her needs. In turn, many women will be extra giving to their man, and while this is very nice and appreciated, it's not what men really crave.

What a man deeply desires is feeling acknowledged and appreciated for what he provides. He wants to feel like his efforts were a success–this applies to everything he does from taking you out for a fancy dinner to taking out the trash.

If he takes you out on a nice date, acknowledge and appreciate him for it and tell him you had an amazing time. Men are typically more responsive to compliments about something they have done rather than who they are. Women don't usually realize this because women like general compliments of the you're so pretty/nice/fun/caring sort. Telling a man he's thoughtful doesn't have the same impact as saying something he did or provided was thoughtful, such as: "Thank you for doing the dishes, that was so thoughtful of you."

When a woman really sees and appreciates her man, it makes him feel like the ultimate winner and he will do anything to keep her happy.

Another important relationship skill is to try and see the intention behind an action, and appreciate that.

I have a personal example for this. Years ago I was dating a guy and one night he called and asked if he could come over. It was getting late and I was exhausted, but he said he'd be over in a half hour so I agreed. An hour and half later he still hadn't arrived and I was fuming! Where could he be? Why is he even bothering to come over this late? Why do I have to wait up for him when I just need sleep!

He finally showed up carrying something that smelled delicious. I immediately went off on him for making me wait up for him and he sheepishly said, "I'm sorry, I wanted to surprise you and bring over a quesadilla from that place you love because I know you've been working so hard and barely have time to eat." Even though I was starving and had been fiending for a quesadilla, my anger didn't subside and the rest of the night was uncomfortable and tense.

The mistake I made was in looking at the action (him being late), rather than the intention (him wanting to do something nice to me happy). I'm not saying I shouldn't have been annoyed by his lateness, but the night probably would have gone a lot differently had I appreciated his good intentions…and then after I could have nicely mentioned that the next time there's an hour-long line at the place he should just buy me a bag of chips and call it a day!

No one is perfect and no matter how great your relationship, there will be times when he isn't doing something exactly the way you'd like him to. You'll get a lot further, and do a huge service to your relationship, if you focus on what he is doing right rather than on what he isn't.

3. Give Him Space When He Needs It

Another major difference between men and woman is in the way they handle stress and difficulties. While women typically seek out their friends and want to to talk about it, men would rather retreat into the proverbial man cave and deal with it on their own. A woman might get upset when this happens and think he's shutting her out, but it really has nothing to do with her, it's just how he deals with things.

If your boyfriend seems stressed and begins to withdraw, just let him be. Don't coddle him or offer unsolicited advice or get on his case about why he isn't confiding in you. If he wants to talk about it with you, he will. If he doesn't and you continue to push him, you will just be another source of stress in his life that he needs to deal with and he'll withdraw even further.
Men intuitively know that it isn't easy for a woman to give him space when he needs it, and if you can do it without feeling angry or resentful towards him, you'll be the woman who touches him more deeply than any other.

4. Maintain Your Own Life Outside of the Relationship

This tip isn't just for his sake, it's for your own. I swear sometimes I feel like I should throw a goodbye party when a friend of mine gets a boyfriend because she'll literally fall off the map! I know I won't be seeing her at Sunday brunches or fun nights out. She won't want to come away with the girls for the weekend. Getting face time with her will never be easy and eventually you give up and resign yourself to the fact that you'll either see her again at her wedding, or if she becomes single again (in which case, she'll be back in full force and down for anything!).

It's not just my friends, women make this mistake all the time (myself included!).

They get into a relationship and the guy becomes the sole center of their universe. This is never healthy!

For one thing, it kind of puts your relationship in a holding pattern and creates a scenario where you can be dating for years and years without taking the next step. If a guy is getting all of you, all the time, there's no reason for him to take that extra step, but this is a whole other discussion.

Another issue is your relationship can't be your only source of happiness and fulfillment, you need to have a balanced life with several components filling you up in different areas. If you throw all of that away for your guy, then you add a lot of pressure to the relationship and will never feel completely satisfied with what you're getting from the relationship (mostly because no one can be your everything). You may start to resent your partner and feel that he owes you more since you gave up so much for him, but that's not fair because the sacrifices you made were your choice. Another reason not maintaining your own life outside of the relationship is problematic is you may end up staying in a bad relationship for far longer than you should have because, well, you have nothing else to go back to anything.

Men typically fall in love with a woman in her absence, not her presence. If you're always there he won't experience that deepening of the bond. To keep your relationship fresh and invigorating, it's essential to have time apart to do your own things. It gives you a break from the emotional intoxication of relationships so you can see things more objectively and it takes some pressure off the relationship so it can unfold more organically.

I know it's tempting to hang out with him every time he asks, I know it's flattering when a guy wants so much of your time, I know you may think it's because he is just so crazy about you… and maybe he is, but giving in every single time is just not a good strategy. If he's a decent guy, he'll respect your boundaries and will encourage you to do your own thing on occasion.

5. Take Care of Yourself

Don't stop working out, eating healthy, getting waxed, shaving your legs, blow-drying your hair, or any other healthy or beautifying activities that were a part of your life pre-relationship. Yes, it's easy to slide into a more laissez-faire approach when you're in a relationship, but if you do that then it won't be long before you're searching up and down to retrieve the burning spark that once existed.

Look, you don't need to be red carpet ready at all times, but you really should make an effort to try to maintain your appearance and look good for your guy. You put your best face forward during those first few months of dating and there's no reason for it to stop once things are more established.

It will keep the passion and lust alive in your relationship and also, it feels really good to a man when a woman puts in effort to look good for him.

The funny thing I notice is women in relationships (again, myself included), will lounge around the house in sweats and a messy bun and no makeup when they're home with their guy, but will put on a face-full of makeup and get decked out when going out, to impress strangers? The whole thing is so backwards. A guy friend once lamented to me that his girlfriend had put on about 15 pounds since they started dating and canceled her gym membership.

He told me he was still very much attracted to her, but he just couldn't understand why she wasn't taking care of herself anymore and that was more of a turn-off than the weight gain. He felt like she just didn't care anymore and he felt stuck because there was no way to say something without her being offended and hurt. He pleaded with me to spread the gospel and tell women that while his love isn't only contingent on your physical appearance, it's really important (and attractive) to continue taking care of yourself at the same level as when you first met… and so I have!

6. Smile!

This is another tip that will enormously help your relationship, but also your life in general. Men cannot resist a woman with a smile. In fact, every guy I know has said a positive attitude is the number one most attractive quality a woman can have. Look, life isn't always going to be rainbows and sunshine, sometimes the poop hits the fan, but your life will be a much better place overall if you can tackle it all with a smile and the conviction that it will all work out.

This kind of energy is infectious, it draws people toward you, and it makes you the kind of woman he wants to be with forever. Don't use your guy as a sounding board or your relationship as an emotional dumping ground. When your guy comes home, greet him with a smile…and then vent if you had a rough day and need to let it out.

Try to see the good in all situations, both in your relationship and outside of it. The things that happen in our lives, for the most part, are neutral, what makes them good or bad is our perception and the thoughts we attach to that event. TC mark

This post originally appeared at A New Mode

There Are Times I’m Truly Afraid I Won’t Ever Have Kids

Posted: 13 Oct 2015 11:35 PM PDT


I’ve always wanted to be a mom.

I assume it’s like how some people feel about religion, or a diehard favorite sports team, or a really good piece of cheesecake. It gives them purpose. It’s that thing that has them waking up in the morning going, “Yep, that’s why I’m here. This is what I’m supposed to do.”

Call it instinctual, or some strange sixth sense some of us develop — call it whatever you want really. It’s just that feeling some things give us. Like being so positive that damn piece of cheesecake will be the best thing to ever happen.

And for me, my cheesecake has always been having kids.

Even as a fairly difficult toddler, the only thing that could instantly calm me down was when my own mother would let me put my baby doll in a rocking chair. There I’d be, screaming and slobbering like some tiny tasmanian devil, and as soon as I got my motherhood on, all was fine. I would stop all my crying during these small imaginary moments of maternal action, like maybe my own pain or frustration shifted because I had something far more important to focus on.

Being a mother, I knew, would be my calling.

Lately, I keep thinking about motherhood, marriage, the things I’m personally far too young to think about. It might be due to the fact that I’m the same age my mother was when she became pregnant with me, but I can’t help from thinking how much farther along I thought I’d be in life by now. I know it’s not healthy or productive to fall into that mentality, but that doesn’t stop it from happening. And maybe even weirder are the moments I realize how much closer to motherhood I was when I was much younger.

At 18, I was wildly in love with a boy who loved me back just as fiercely. We never gave much thought to our ages or the ridiculousness that calling something puppy love somehow undermines the realness of that love. We were sure of how we felt, our futures, the two little ones we’d eventually bring into the world.

In the backseat of his blue Nissan, we’d kiss and think about baby names. I wasn’t pregnant. And by no means were we going to try. But the idea of it happening wasn’t terrifying. Because it’s what we wanted, one day.

I still think about those baby names and feel a little nauseated. I imagine him finishing what we started, but with her, the woman who will actually have his little ones.

But the idea of getting pregnant, like, today?

Holy shit. Stage 10 Freak Out. Ring The Alarm. Call Beyonce, I don’t fucking know. It would be a world of “Nooooooo.”

But that doesn’t mean it isn’t something I still think about. That doesn’t mean it isn’t a small fear in the back of my mind: “What if it won’t happen?”

My life has gone in so many directions that I could never have predicted, and honestly, that’s the thing about getting older. Shit doesn’t always go according to plan. You can create the perfect blueprint for what you expect, and babe? Life might throw you a damn curveball. And it might end up being the best thing for you. I suppose we just don’t know, do we? We can draft our five year plans and it doesn’t mean shit. Maybe it does. I don’t know that much. That’s why I know I couldn’t be a mom right now.

But I hope that, one day, I am. I won’t ever be perfect. I won’t ever have all my shit figured out (nobody does — don’t listen to anyone who says they do). But I want to teach a little human about this world. I want them to teach me even more. I want someone to push my buttons and press me in ways that have me pulling out my hair. I want sleepless nights and permanent dark circles. I want something that makes sense. I want to wake up knowing how it feels to love a person so much, you’d lay down in front of a train to protect them.

One day, I want to be a mom. And I really, really hope that happens. TC mark

30 ENFPs Explain The One Thing They Wish Others Understood About Their Personality

Posted: 14 Oct 2015 07:27 AM PDT


1. "I don’t want to be judged as super extroverted, extremely confident and shallow. I want introverts to know that we can stay at home having deep conversations. I don’t want to be dismissed simply for being an extrovert."


2. "We are capable leaders. It’s just that our leadership style is not – for lack of a better word – authoritarian."


3. "I contradict myself a lot because I’m always looking for new possibilities. There are so many routes, paths, chances, doors, and odysseys to cross and tackle that I’ll never feel satisfied until I do it all!"


4. "We are actually really good at making and keeping plans, both in our personal lives, and in project management/deadline situations at work."


5. "I’m not nosy or looking to know things for any nefarious reason. I genuinely LOVE all your differences and I want to know how you came to be exactly who you are."


6. "I don’t like being treated like a stereotype. I don’t want to treat you like one, either."


7. "I'm a scatter brain but it doesn’t mean I’m short on attention – it just means I am intensely interested in too many things."


8. "I don’t want solutions. I just want to be heard and understood."


9. "Yes, I am THAT curious."


10. "I have a LOT of big feelings and yes, I operate out of them. BUT I am capable of discipline and study when I am truly invested in something. I deeply value knowledge and thinking processes but in the end facts will still be run through my ‘feeling’ filter. Sorry (not sorry)!"


11. "ENFPs are passionate, but it doesn’t mean we’re irrational."


12. "We’re not as confident as you think; we just want to be loved!"


13. "When we are quiet and withdrawn we are actually ok – we're more introverted than you think we are."


14. "I’ll be totally different tomorrow; in fact I may not even be here!"


15. "I’m scatter-brained but I’m not dumb. I notice a lot and I am quite intuitive about people’s unspoken emotions and thoughts–but don’t always share everything I know in order to keep the peace. Emotional arguments are EXHAUSTING."


16. "I tend not to judge but that doesn’t mean I don’t have values. I just don’t see how immediately categorizing someone and then dismissing them helps anyone. I can probably find common ground with almost anyone of any type, if you promise to meet me at least a quarter of the way."


17. “I don’t need you to fix my problem! I need you to shut up and let me vent!”


18. "I can commit and I do commit quite strongly in relationships, but will walk away once I realize it isn’t working no matter what I do. I stay in relationships longer than I probably should but that’s because I never want to say ‘what if..?’ I will not be on my deathbed with regrets. And I think about that a lot."


19. "When we ask you to come over it doesn’t have to be anything fancy. Come over in your sweats and watch a couple reruns of something. We just need an hour of human contact and we are happy."


20. "I will get that project finished, even though its boring as batshit. Thank you for helping me stay focused, but don't ride me."


21. “I'm not forgetful… I just literally can’t focus when you’re talking about what your coworker’s friend did last week…. I’m too busy trying to understand the implications of finding water on mars…. why did it take so long to find? Where did they find it? I should look this up.”


22. "We can do hard rational logic, it just doesn’t look like that when we’re all bouncy and enthusiastic."


23. "Yes I’m social, no that doesn’t mean I want to party 24/7. I need my alone time, too."


24. “We deserve to be taken seriously just like anyone else! Maybe we have that childlike curiosity and enthusiasm, but it doesn’t mean that we deserve to be looked down upon or treated like children because we’re open to all sorts of possibilities.”


25. "I wish other people understood the whole ‘ I honestly can’t make up my mind’ thing. Sometimes I have to try out different things (careers, goals, people…) before I can find a good match and even then I find myself pondering greener pastures. Drives us all crazy."


26. “Just because I love people doesn’t mean I’m always happy and just because I’m always talking doesn’t mean I’m stupid. You might think you know me well but you probably really don’t. All you’ve seen so far is the part of me I’ve chosen to show you. There’s a lot more hiding you have yet to figure out. And yes I do really love you already as much as I act like I do. I love everyone. That’s just who I am. But don’t think you understand me perfectly yet. And don’t judge me because that’s the one thing that’ll make me mad.”


27. "Even though we’re highly expressive and sometime come across heedless, we are very level-headed and deep thinkers."


28. "I have many, many, countless, endless musings that run through my head! I can create an entire fantasy of a timeline in the blink of an eye, and I’ll act like it’s a reality for a few moments. (For example, if I meet someone new, I may very well muse over the possibilities and fantasies of pursuing them, and dating them) and I’ll get super stoked about these possibilities and fantasies. It doesn’t mean I ever actually expect them to become reality, but I will be JUST as excited about them simply because for a moment, in that moment, it was a reality in my mind."


29. "ENFPs are not stupid! We lead with extroverted intuition so we might be a little more in our head and we may be a little overdramatic and passionate at times but we sincerely enjoy learning and growing too!"


30. "Please be more patient with us. It's hard to focus on the practical side of things when we can imagine a much better world. That's just the way we're wired."TC mark

Heidi Priebe explains how to manage the ups, downs and inside-outs of everyday life as an ENFP in her new book available here.


17 Things That Happen When You Love Halloween But Hate Everything Scary And Horrible

Posted: 13 Oct 2015 06:03 PM PDT


1. You seriously detest when everyone tries to ruin the fun of Halloween by converting everything into “Haunted” attractions. Corn mazes are great. Why whyyyyy does it have to be a Haunted corn maze??? YOU WANT TO GET LOST IN THE SPIRIT OF THE HOLIDAY, NOT CHASED BY SOME ZOMBIE-VAMPIRE-CLOWN UNTIL YOU DIE OF A HEART ATTACK.

2. You LOVE Halloween parties but always need to double check what kind of party it is. Are we gonna be having bobbing-for-apples fun? Or strobe-lights-and-Freddy-Krueger fun? Because you will MOST DEFINITELY go to one and avoid the other with the skill and finesse of…well, You when you’re bobbing for apples.

3.Your least favorite part of the glorious month of October is YouTube’s heartless decision to make every pre-video ad a trailer for all of the upcoming horror flicks. You came to YouTube for a cute clip of puppies learning to swim, and you’re leaving with Nightmares. Only Nightmares.

4. As a kid, you always wanted to be the first one outside trick-or-treating and the last one left, covering every inch of your neighborhood …However if a house looked even remotely like something creepy was going to jump out at you from a cobweb-covered bush, you were waiting by the curb. Your friends could walk up there if they wanted, but there was no way in HELL you were risking it.

5. You have a subset of cruel friends who will invite you somewhere while explicitly stating that it won’t be scary, and then surprising you (HA. HA. REALLY. FUNNY.) with a haunted house. You make sure to stay far away from these people until November 1st.

6. …And then of course, there are those friends who underestimate just HOW MUCH you hate scary. They’ll somehow convince you to try out this Haunted Hay Ride, because It’s really not that bad!! Look! A nine-year-old is going on it! Trust us!

7. …And then they spend the whole hay ride feeling horrible (and/or laughing uncontrollably) as you crawl into their lap, screaming and crying and cursing that the nine-year-old is obviously some kind of Benjamin Button, because it’s the only way that an innocent child could withstand such terror.

8.Your jack-o-lanterns are some of the most cheerful looking pumpkins on the block, just like your attitude from October 10-31. All of that sinister nonsense can find someplace else to be a spoilsport.

9. Pretty much, the scariest thing you want to encounter on Halloween is the horror of waking up the next morning and realizing that you didn’t brush your teeth before bed. OH GOD, PLEASE NO CAVITIES. PLEASE.

10. Whenever your friends are arranging the plans for Halloween night, you’re always lightly advocating for the fun, not scary option. Come on! Let’s just all get dressed up and have a good time! No need to seek out thrills that make us think we’re going to die!! :) :) :)

11. …Of course, if they still like the idea of checking out the haunted theme park, you’ll gladly transition from “lightly advocating” to “absolutely REFUSING to step foot in that cotton-candy-with-a-side-of-terror hell hole.”

12. You sometimes dream about how great it would be to work with Ellen DeGeneres, especially considering how festive she gets during the Halloween season… but know that you probably wouldn’t survive all of the scary pranks she pulls on her employees.

13. Seriously, that terrifying witch-ghost-zombie nightmare can go f*ck itself.

14. Your idea of a fun Halloween movie night consists of Hocus Pocus and Practical Magic, NOT Chucky or Halloween (more like HalloweenTOWN amiright??)

15. …Which makes organizing a movie night with your horror aficionado friends incredibly difficult. They will continually insist that a movie isn’t actually very scary, and is suspenseful more than anything, and you’ll insist that if the trailer includes creaking doors or shaky cam of any kind, it’s too scary.

16. …Basically, you’ll settle on a weird hybrid movie with the agreement that they’ll let you know when the really scary parts are coming so you can close your eyes and plug your ears.

17. Of course, you could just skip the movie night altogether, but you love Halloween too much to just SKIP a chance to celebrate with your friends. Even if it means suffering through a terrifying PG-13 horror flick. TC mark

15 Signs Your Significant Other Would Make An Excellent Partner In Crime

Posted: 14 Oct 2015 11:15 AM PDT

ABC 'Wicked City'
ABC ‘Wicked City’

1. You relish the thrill of scoping out new locations together. The second you enter a hot spot like Chateau Marmont, the place to see and be seen on the Sunset Strip, where literally anything can happen, you explore every nook and cranny of the hotel together—from the chic lobby to the celebrity dotted lounge and the restaurant that once swarmed with metalheads wearing spandex and black leather studded belts.

2. You always have a getaway plan. By the time you're seated for an intimate dinner on the garden terrace, you both know exactly where every stairwell, exit, and suspicious looking customer is. If need be, you can escape the castle-like structure within minutes.

3. You're risk takers and rule breakers at heart. There's nothing like conspiring as a couple and feeding off the adrenaline rush that accompanies an impromptu adventure like crashing a party in a penthouse hotel suite. As you drink and dance among strangers, you envision the rail thin models of the 80s that once occupied the same territory with their hair sprayed bangs and off-the-shoulder neon tops.

4. You're spontaneous, too. You inspire each other to lead more titillating lives. You're the couple speeding down the freeway blasting Motley Crue before pulling over abruptly to shack up in a poolside bungalow and toast your most recent victory.

5. But you're also safety conscious. You're keenly aware of your surroundings at all times, and you're both the type to remain in control. You'll refuse a Marmont Margarita from the bartender if the circumstances seem at all odd.

6. Neither of you is afraid to cheat, mislead, or deceive. You'll do what it takes to protect your best interests as a couple. Maybe you need to scramble out of an underground gambling joint on the Sunset Strip when the cops show up, and it takes a little creative exaggeration or a bribe to get yourselves out of trouble. You'll do whatever you have to.

7. You're both always prepared. Neither of you loses their keys or their wallet, or has to lean on a hotel concierge for hot tips or directions anywhere. You're not the couple that forgets the secret location of a private rock concert teeming with illicit activities like the kind that used to go down in the 80s, or the swanky after-party that follows it.

8. When you're together, you think outside the box. You're both natural problem solvers. If there isn't an indoor table on a rainy night at Chateau Marmont, one of you might drop a line about knowing André Balazs, the hotel's owner, to weasel your way inside.

9. You both go with the flow without raising suspicion. You both act smart on the spot. When one of you adopts a different persona to finagle a free drink or a better table, the other follows suit without thinking twice. And neither of you ever breaks character.

10. You read each like a couple of poker players scrutinizing the competition. Your partner knows your every facial tic and tell. If you're feeling threatened or annoyed by an overly inquisitive stranger, they sense it immediately, and they're armed with a go-to excuse to rescue you from any potential hazard.

11. You don't even need words to communicate. Your significant other can warn you about any looming danger with a wide spectrum of simple, subtle gestures. They know you well enough to signal you effectively without opening their mouth.

12. You can say everything you need to with one glare. When you lock eyes, it's as if you're speaking your very own silent, coded language. You can say exactly what you need to in an instant with one serious look.

13. You have each other's backs at all times. You're always on the lookout for each other. When a bizarre character approaches your table at Bar Marmont and your significant other spots them first from where they're seated in the red velvet booth, they'll warn you about the random encounter about to go down with a subtle nod or a whisper.

14. You trust each other entirely, and without judgment. You never hesitate to reveal anything to your partner, knowing that your deepest, darkest secrets are safe inside the relationship vault. No matter how sordid your truth is, your partner can handle it—and they definitely won't judge you for it.

15. You would honestly do anything for your significant other, and you know they'd do anything for you. You would happily take a punch for your partner if it came to that, or break any rule or regulation that gets in the way of your objectives as a couple. Love conquers all, even the law, in your view. TC mark

Click To Explore More From The Dark Side Of The Sunset Strip

This post is brought to you by ABC's Wicked City. Don't miss the Series Premiere – Tuesday, October 27th at 10/9c.


I Drove Past Blue Ridge Drive In Oregon And I Experienced Something Truly Out Of This World

Posted: 13 Oct 2015 11:17 AM PDT

Photo provided by the author.

I am going to try and tell this story in the most accurate and minimal wording possible. Not only to hold you, the reader’s attention, but also to do this moment justice, without crowding it with supernatural fluff or explanation. If it starts to sound like a folklore tale…I am to blame for this. I am still on a bit of a supernatural high from the photo captured and the information obtained after my visit. I will share these in a bit. First, how I got here in the first place.

My boyfriend and I were on our way to Astoria when a geocache came up on the map and we decided to stop and try to find it. If you are unaware what geocaching is, check out this link if you are curious.

We turned down Blue Ridge Drive and I felt my hair immediately stand up on end. At first, I talked myself into the most sensible (even though I am a medium…I still try and shoot for the logic first) thing I could think of. This was an absolutely abandoned area. It looks like a fallout shelter. In fact, the name of the geocache hidden there has “fallout shelter” in its title.

It makes Deliverance look like Disney.

We parked our car in the street (I mean, hey…no one is coming down these roads any time soon). My boyfriend got out of the car with his GPS and made his way toward the geocache while I got out and stood frozen in the street. I literally felt children — small children — wrapping their arms around both my legs.

My boyfriend comes walking back over and can tell I am deep in the “zone.” He asked me what was wrong and I looked at him and said, “There are children here…and something very bad happened to them.”

That was last year.

This weekend, we headed back to Astoria and I had the bright idea of revisiting Deliverance world. I wanted to see if I felt a shift in the energy – if I could still see, feel, and hear the children there.

We did the same thing — we parked on the street and I asked my boyfriend if he could take some good photos of the house. I started to talk to the spirits. I asked them if they remembered me. I immediately felt the children. Then I felt a male presence. I am recording as this is happening, on my Zoom H1. You can hear me address the children…and then you can hear where my total tone changes and I address the man. I even say, “This is your land, huh? You don’t want us here? Want us to go away?”

I am speaking out loud trying to help the spirits know that they don’t have to stay here. They don’t have to guard this land. That they can go to better and more peaceful planes of existence. I called in Archangel Michael to help escort the children into light, to free from this godforsaken neighborhood. The whole time, the only sound you can hear is the whipping wind and the sound of what seems to be a cow bell. It is ringing over and over…as if whatever is wearing it is walking around. At this point, I decide I am ready to leave…but not before my boyfriend takes a picture of me in the midst of my discussions with spirits, angels, and guides. This is what he captured and to this moment, it gives me complete goose bumps.

Photo provided by the author.
Photo provided by the author.

Do you see the angel wings? Can you see the white shadow of an arm to the right of my back? My hands are clasped in front of me. Can you see the white beam of light going into the top of my head?

Now I am going to outline something else I see. Can you see the dark figure to the left of me? His side profile? His forehead, nose, mouth.  His chin is up towards the sky…almost in defiance. You can make out his neck and shoulder.  I have outlined it here in purple, much larger than the figure, as to not draw over its outline.

Photo provided by the author.
Photo provided by the author.

So we leave and drive straight forward…going no more than 30 or 50 feet. when we see where the bell noise was coming from.

Of course, a goat tied to a tree with a cowbell on…in the middle of nowhere.

Photo provided by the author.
Photo provided by the author.

Here are a few more photos of the inside of one of the abandoned houses. I can see orbs, can you?

Photo provided by the author.
Photo provided by the author.
Photo provided by the author.
Photo provided by the author.

When we got back to the hotel, my boyfriend was determined to research and find out what happened in this neighborhood and on this property. He eventually found this article, which states two children died in a house fire here. Along with a murder in this neighborhood, there were cases of sex abuse, prostitution, a drug ring. You name it, it happened here.

After years of experiences that I could not even begin to describe or put into detail, it amazes me how I still get moved. I am absolutely floored and humbled at these mind-blowing experiences. To see what I believe is a feminine guardian angel standing with me, mediating my conversation with something no longer of this world. To know we are watched after, that angelic guidance and protection is given to us so lovingly and strongly, this moves me much deeper than I would ever be able to express here, in words, in this lifetime. I knew this in my heart already, to be able to see it with physical eyes. I am GRATEFUL!

If you are ever in the Astoria, Oregon area — Blue Ridge Drive — you just have to feel it to believe it. TC mark

This post originally appeared at The Closet Clairvoyant.

Millennials Aren’t Any More Selfish Than Other Generations, You Just Think We Are

Posted: 13 Oct 2015 04:51 PM PDT


It’s not exactly revolutionary news that we’re currently living with an all-time high need for constant gratification. You could blindfold yourself, drunkenly smack some keys on your laptop, and still easily stumble upon a thousand thinkpieces on why this newfound ability makes us The Worst.

In fact, I guarantee you there are people RIGHT NOW writing 1,500 word articles on the selfishness of our Snapchats, of our selfies, of our 140 character limited late night thoughts.

They’re intellectually masturbating all over screens like they have brilliantly figured out this answer that no one else has thought of — Ah, YES! THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH OUR SOCIETY! *Fap, fap, fap*

Tease us for turning to Tinder. Call us narcissistic. Call us out-of-touch with important issues. Joke about Viners, YouTubers, how we want to consume entertainment in quicker doses. Faster. Faster. No attention span. Ahhh, millennials, just a giant Angelica from The Rugrats.

And in some ways, sure, I get it. Millennials are easy fodder to poke fun of. We are constantly handing you the material left and right. We’re willingly putting out jokes for you in this giant Internet void. My feelings! My photos! My thoughts! Take them all, world!

But does that automatically change who we are? As actual, you know, people? Are we really somehow that much worse than Baby Boomers or Gen X? Because, as my understanding goes, human beings are always going to be terrible and wonderful. This isn’t a generational thing. You aren’t somehow defected because you grew up with access to Google. With that mentality, wouldn’t we want to stop all technological advancements?

Quick! Stop production on whatever that next cool/weird/kinda-useless-kinda-gotta-have-it thing is you’re making, Apple! You’re turning our precious children into MUTANT-ZOMBIE-CONCEITED ASSHOLES! It’s definitely not parenting, or genetics, or just luck of the draw. Nope. You a millennial? Ahhhh, I smell vanity in the air!

Maybe you’re sitting here side-eyeing, “Me thinks the lady doth protest too much!” And you’re not wrong. I’m as addicted to my phone as the next Shitty Selfish Millennial.

But the truth is, we’re all just hungry for connection. We all want to feel like we’re understood.

That’s a basic human desire, not a thing dependent on when you were born, or how old you are, or how many Twitter followers you’re currently sitting with. I don’t think it’s selfish to want this acceptance. It’s something that lives in all of us. Even if you’re shaking your head, you want it too. You want someone to see you for who you are. To get you. All of you.

Maybe that’s what we want. With our posts and Tweets and blogs, maybe we just want someone to say, “I get you.”

I don’t think that makes us special snowflakes, nor does it make us egotistical sociopaths just constantly refreshing our feeds.

Sometimes, we just want to be seen. Even if it’s only on a computer screen. TC mark

The Most Important Journalism Of Our Time: 17 Juicy Tidbits We Learned From Complex’s Profile Of Heidi And Spencer

Posted: 14 Oct 2015 11:59 AM PDT

In a relevant, gripping feat of journalism, Complex ran an in-depth profile of the amazing human relationship that is Speidi. Here are just a few of the things we learned from a truly amazing, hopefully award-winning profile:

1. Heidi and Spencer now live in Spencer’s dad’s house. Spencer’s mom is unhappy they are supporting their adult son and his adult wife in this manner.

US Weekly
US Weekly

2. Their decor includes framed copies of their tabloid covers from US Weekly.

3. Spencer’s first crystal cost him $75,000. For reference, the largest crystal I’ve ever seen was an amethyst tower that was taller than me, it was $5,000. Here are TWO crystals larger than a person that are only $28,000.

4. If you were wondering how he spends his time, Spencer has two podcasts: "The Spyson Hour" and "The Sheriff of Baghdad."

5. They mostly hang out at the Mexican restaurant near their house, Delgado’s, where they drink a lot of tequila. Spencer says of Heidi: "Tequila is like her spinach.”

6. If you believe them, there really is an LC/Jason Wahler sex tape floating around. Spencer confirms he’s the one who leaked the story to the tabloids.

The Hills
The Hills

7. Heidi refers to Lauren Conrad as a “bitch.”

8. Spencer says, “"Lauren is a cold-hearted killer. That's what people don't get. She will cut you in your sleep.”

9. Spencer says Heidi’s mother and sister were paid “twenty thousand dollar checks” to side with Lauren and disagree with her on TV. They have since repaired their relationships.

10. Spencer regrets the opportunities that passed him by while he was in his heyday, saying “Presidents of networks would be like, 'Come in,' and I would be like, 'Come to me.'”

11. The couple has spent $3 million on Heidi’s music career.

12. In case you forgot, Spencer’s rise to fame is tied to the Kardashian’s. His (former) BFF Brody Jenner is a (former?) step-sibling to the crew. Brody’s mom, Linda Thompson, is an ex of both Caitlyn Jenner and David Foster — who now appears on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as Yolanda Foster’s husband, and the stepdad of supermodels Gigi and Bella Hadid.

13. This is why David Foster has written and produced songs for Heidi for free.

14. Spencer claims Kris Jenner asked him to manage Kim.

The Simple Life
The Simple Life

15. Kim Kardashian West used to organize Heidi’s closet. Apparently deleted scenes from The Hills confirm this but it’s well known she did this for Paris Hilton (as documented on The Simple Life) and is the reason she was on the public’s radar when her sex tape leaked.

16. Heidi brushes Spencer’s hair.

17. Heidi is “living her dream as a housewife.” TC mark

On Being Told Your Biology Is “Unprofessional”

Posted: 14 Oct 2015 08:48 AM PDT


It's Tuesday night, I’m doing my nightly scroll through Facebook when my finger slips and accidentally clicks on a video I had no intention of watching. It’s a black woman, a news anchor, and almost immediately I hear the words “natural hair” and “in the workplace” and as a curly girl new to the working world, I’m intrigued. The next minute and forty seconds is complete and utter bullshit to me, but for the sake of reference, here’s the video I am referring to.

Malcolm X once said “The most disrespected woman in America, is the Black woman,” and the fact that the video above even had to be made and published for all of society to weigh in on proves that statement, if only a little bit. I really don’t understand the obsession that society has with policing black women’s bodies, but it has got to stop. We cover up too much, we’re prudes, we show too much skin, we’re hoes and if we wear our hair the way it grows out of our head, we’re unprofessional and it’s a distraction.

This video and the way Corporate America reacts to black women’s hair upsets me because still, in 2015, people of color are scrutinized, ostracized and down right rejected because of things they cannot control. I understand that broadcast journalism is a different playing field, and no I have not seen a woman of color rock her natural hair on a newscast yet, and that is exactly the problem.

Natural hair is deemed unprofessional because it is unfamiliar, because this student’s (probably white) professor does not understand it, because they don’t have to. But it’s about time that society stops using a lack of knowledge as an excuse to police someone else and how they were created.

There is NOTHING unprofessional about natural hair. In the past year alone I:

  • Represented Dell on the University of Missouri campus with natural hair.
  • Represented Bud Light on the University of Missouri campus/in Columbia, MO with natural hair.
  • Graduated from the University of Missouri while rocking my natural hair.
  • Got a full time job in the journalism field all while having natural hair.

And would you believe that my hair has yet to disrupt the flow of a work day? Crazy stuff.

If you’re reading this and you are perplexed, I want to help you: first, there is nothing wrong or unprofessional about the way hair grows out of a black woman’s scalp. Second, requiring a black woman to change her appearance, especially when it is something she cannot control is truly what is unprofessional. Lastly, think about why natural hair is unprofessional to many. What about it bothers businesses so much that they think it is okay to ask a woman with natural hair to potentially damage her hair in order to fit European standards of beauty?

Here’s a thought; instead of criticizing what you don’t understand, ask questions.

Stop demonizing black women for how they choose to wear their hair. Stop pushing European standards of beauty on a group of women who were not made to look like that. And please stop associating black features with unprofessionalism and ugliness, doing so allows others to and continues the stereotype that black women cannot be beautiful the way they were created. TC mark