Thought Catalog


Here’s What You Should Dress Up As For Halloween Based On Your Myers-Briggs Personality Type

Posted: 25 Oct 2015 07:00 PM PDT

INTP – Something witty yet simple.

Instagram Photo

You’re not sure how someone managed to drag you to this Halloween party in the first place but if you’re going to concede to going, you’re going to waste as little money and effort as possible on your costume.

ENTP – Something witty yet complicated.

Instagram Photo

You love the chance to make a good pun or clever quip. And Halloween is the ideal time to get abstract. You don’t mind making people work a little to figure out your costume – you relish in the chance to show off your creativity.

ENFP – Something witty that showcases your enthusiasm.

Instagram Photo

You love making people laugh and the cleverer a costume you can think up, the better. Take the chance to showcase your enthusiasm for life through a particularly witty costume that you pull of with ease.

INFP – Something referencing a work of literature that only you understand.

Instagram Photo

Let’s face it – you spend a lot more time engrossed in books and films than the rest of us do. And you see Halloween as the perfect opportunity to temporarily channel your favourite character – with a hilarious creative twist, of course.

ISFP – Something terrifyingly artistic.

Instagram Photo

There’s no two ways about it – ISFPs seem to win Halloween every year. This unbelievably artistic type can work wonders with face paint and costumes – walking the fine line between terrifying and astounding the rest of us.

ISFJ – Something classic with a personal touch.

Instagram Photo

You like the tried and true costumes – but of course you’re going to add a personal touch. You’re detail-oriented to a fault and letting any part of your costume slide is a definite no-no.

ESFJ – Something that matches your BFF's or SO's costume.

Instagram Photo

You see Halloween the way you see everything – as a fun opportunity to connect and engage with your loved ones. You adore group or couple costumes – they give you the chance to share an inside joke with your favourite people and showcase your friendship or relationship to the world.

ESFP – Something flashy that is going to draw attention.

Instagram Photo

Let’s not sugarcoat it – you want all eyes on you. Halloween is a great opportunity to relish in the spotlight and you don’t mind going flashy or over-the-top with your costume if it’s going to get people looking and laughing.

ISTJ – Something historical.

Instagram Photo

Halloween is a time for fun and games but it’s also a time to remind people of their roots – and you don’t see why you can’t combine the two into one incredible costume.

ESTJ – Something that showcases your dominance.

Instagram Photo

You get sh*t done in your everyday life and you don’t see why Halloween should be any different. Dress up as your favourite superhero or dominant character to remind everyone that you are still large and in charge.

ISTP – Something simple that pokes fun at a current trend.

Instagram Photo

Is there anything you love more than dryly poking fun at something everyone else is obsessed with? Halloween offers you the perfect chance to do just that in a socially acceptable way – don’t let the opportunity pass you by!

ESTP – Something that’s in-your-face hilarious.

Instagram Photo

You like obvious, in-your-face humour – and your Halloween costumes are no exception. Pick a hilarious joke and go all out with it – you’ll have the rest of the party in stitches all night.

ENTJ – Something creative yet practical.

Instagram Photo

For the most part, you see Halloween costumes as a waste of money. But you’re not going to miss out on the chance to join in on the fun – so you’ll craft something practical that nonetheless has other people applauding your creativity.

ENFJ – Something classic with a twist.

Instagram Photo

You like to dress up as something that others are going to be able to recognize and enjoy – but you need it to have a personal flair. Add a gruesome twist to your favourite Disney character or a creative edge to a classic character from your favourite piece of literature. You’ll entice and entertain the masses.

INFJ – Something intellectual and clever.

Instagram Photo

You put serious thought into everything you do – and your Halloween costumes are no exception. Pick a pun based on something you’ve researched and shamelessly display it in costume form – the people who get it are the people you’re going to want to spend your night talking to.

INTJ – Something no one can figure out.

Instagram Photo

After all, no one can figure YOU out – why should your Halloween costume be any different? TC mark

thumbnail image – twinshenanigans

20 Reasons Our Love Fell Apart

Posted: 25 Oct 2015 06:30 PM PDT

Screen Shot 2015-10-24 at 1.34.07 AM

1. He loved the way caged birds sang.

2. I didn’t.

3. We never drank together, but we got intoxicated from counting our ghosts. He said mine somehow meant more than his did. He could see my past lovers at the foot of the bed. But I only saw him.

4. I wanted someone to love me unconditionally. I couldn’t haggle other terms very well. Nobody taught me how.

5. He asked who I would let fall from a cliff: my mother or him. I didn’t answer.

6. Because he wouldn’t have liked my answer.

7. Once, I told him I wanted to make the world better from laughter. He laughed. But it wasn’t the good kind.

8. I became so convinced an Earthquake would hit our sleepy suburb, it was all I could think of. I had us pack emergency kits in cars as I studied ways to survive the impending doom. Triangle of safety, pristine white boxes of first aid, collected chaos everywhere. I was so obsessed with natural disasters, I forgot to look at the destruction in front of us.

9. He asked if I would spend the night. I told him I couldn’t.

10. I could.

11. He asked why I couldn’t love him like I did a year before. I told him, “I don’t know.”

12. I still don’t know.

13. He wanted someone who tasted like obedience.

14. I taste like sour cherries and burning buildings. I taste like high voltage radios and girls who put on lipsticks a shade too dark. I taste like revolution.

15. He told me girls like me spoke with too much volume.

16. I told him men shouldn’t fear being in the shadow of a woman.

17. He said I loved the world too loudly.

18. I was allergic to all his favorite things.

19. He kissed me like he was going away to war. He kept fighting, even when I threw up my white flags.

20. When I finally told him I was done, he said I was a grenade he needed to feel. So I let it keep happening. I didn’t know how to tell the difference between explosion and self-detonation. TC mark

Here’s What You Should Stream On Netflix Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Posted: 25 Oct 2015 06:00 PM PDT

Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

Empire
Empire

Aries are independent and ambitious. They should watch shows that center around strong personalities fighting to live their dreams in their workplace: How to Get Away With Murder, Empire, Grey’s Anatomy, or Mad men. They will appreciate watching other people go through dramatized versions of what they see as their biggest challenges — establishing themselves in on their unique path, not doing what everyone else is doing.

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

Criminal Minds
Criminal Minds

For a sign that loves comfort and hates change, binge-watching a show that has a ton of seasons to get into is always a win for a Taurus. Juicy but predictable procedurals like Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Criminal Minds, and The West Wing are what they crave. The infamous stubbornness of a Taurus makes then love something they can commit to for at least 10 seasons before having to find something new.

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Geminis can be wacky and indecisive and they also like to be people pleasures. They should watch a new series that’s trending right now, something they can talk to people about and isn’t too serious that they have to devote all their attention to it. Series like Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Wet Hot American Summer, and Scrotal Recall are perfect. The bonus pic is Francis Ha for Geminis who really want to understand their non-sequitur nature.

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

The Best Of Me
The Best Of Me

There is no such thing as a cheese factor when it comes to Cancers. Give us a predictable Nicholas Sparks love-fest and we will leave happy customers. Top hits for Cancers that are streaming now are The Best of Me, While You Were Sleeping, and Chocolat. When in doubt, just scroll through Netflix’s ‘Romance’ category and look for the most straightforward celebrating love movie.

Leo

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

Coyote Ugly
Coyote Ugly

Every Leo secretly or publicly craves to be more admired than they already are. Watching TV shows or Films about people becoming famous is like porn for them, because it’s the kind of fantasy they have for their everyday lives. Fame High, Footloose, Coyote Ugly, and The Carrie Diaries are good bets for satisfying their inner urges.

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

Food, Inc
Food, Inc

Virgos are analytical and precise. They want their Netflix experience to be utilitarian and intelligent. They will go for anything that helps them be a better person in real life — and not like a person who wastes time on the couch watching too much TV. They will adore the Ted Talks: Life Hacks, Steve Jobs, and Food, Inc.

Libra

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

Chopped
Chopped

Libras love watching TV shows where they can demonstrate their empathy and fairness. This makes them a prime audience for elimination and niche lifestyle reality TV shows. THEY WILL GET REALLY INTO CHOPPED. Also: Bridezillas, Cupcake Wars, and Dance Moms.

Scorpio

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

House of Cards
House of Cards

Passionate and obsessive, Scorpios will appreciate streaming a show with characters who are just as intense as they are. They should watch shows like Breaking Bad, House of Cards, and Gossip Girl.

Sagittarius

(November 23rd to December 21st)

Side Effects
Side Effects

Sagittarians love challenges in their everyday life like learning new things and traveling. They are the audience born for Anthony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown as well as high-intellect movies like Before I Go to Sleep and Side Effects.

Capricorn

(December 22nd to January 20th)

House of Yes
House of Yes

Capricorns are strong, responsible and serious. The love high-quality dramas, not mass marketed trash. They’ll most enjoy streaming independent movies like The Good Doctor, the Black Mirror series and White Rabbit or cult classics like The House of Yes and Heathers.

Aquarius

(January 21st to February 18th)

Arrested Development
Arrested Development

Aquarians are known for having a phenomenal sense of humor. They are the opinion their friends trust about what’s funny and what is trying too hard. They like new, original shows that hit at something we haven’t seen before. Funny shows like The Inbetweeners, The IT Crowd as well as old classics like Arrested Development and Portlandia work for you.

Pisces

(February 19th to March 20th)

Gilmore Girls
Gilmore Girls

Pisces are a little bit understated, they don’t like to watch the same things everyone else is watching. They like comforting shows about strong friendships. Think Gilmore Girls and Pretty Little Liars. They will also LOVE Bridget Jones’ Diary because Bridget is a classic Pisces. TC mark

10 Easy Rules Of Dating Gay Dudes

Posted: 25 Oct 2015 05:30 PM PDT

 Shutterstock
Shutterstock

1. Don’t lead him on. If you’re not that into him then girl tell him and keep it moving. Don’t date him because he has a nice apartment or a huge dick. Leading someone on is about liking the fact that somebody is into you. Imagine the person you’re leading on is cute furry little dog who is always so excited to see you. When you lead someone on you’re suddenly kicking that dog across the street when you’re bored of him.

2. One of my friends went on a couple dates with this guy who told him he was moving back to Australia suddenly so he couldn’t date anybody or do something long term. Tell me why I ran into this guy a few weeks ago in Shoreditch and the first thing I thought was, Gurl wut? We all tell white lies from time to time, but there’s no need to fabricate an entire new identity just so that some hot guy can be into you. He’s either into you or he isn’t. Lying now only means having to tell more and more elaborate lies later on down the road.

3. Please stop describing yourselves as “straight-acting.” Not to go all Judith Butler on your asses but, like, what does straight acting even mean, especially if it’s an act? Some guys seem naturally more masculine than others, but that does’t mean the rest of us who don’t fit into such a narrow box are terrible people or bad cocksuckers.

4. I once went on a date with someone who had Grindr open and was typing in it as we walked down the street. Maybe we weren’t into each other, fine, but can I get some manners? Damn. Guys, don’t open up your Grindr profile during your date, not even when you sneak off to the bathroom. Nothing kills the vibe more than that damn “bbbbuuuurp!” notification, or like when you pull out your phone to show your date some cool ass YouTube video and you have 22 Grindr notifications.

5. If you ever, even for a second, have to wonder if he is interested in you, he isn’t.

6. Use a recent picture. Even your dildo has a camera on it, so there’s no reason your photo is from like 2012. This person’s going to meet you and find out what you look like anyway, so you might as well treat him to the real goods.

7. Don’t apologize for who you are. Be exactly who you are right now, whatever that means, and trust that one day someone is going to “get” you. He will want you because you’re you, not because you’re some phoned-in type of dude. Hotness wears off but individuality is eternal.

8. Know what you want before you sign up for anything. Don’t try to figure it out while you’re involved with somebody. That’s how feelings get hurt.

9. Never settle. There are too many guys out there to settle for someone who doesn’t make you completely happy.

10. Probably the most important thing to note, though, is that everything is negotiable. No two relationships are the same, and that’s because different things make every relationship tick. Anything is possible in a relationship as long as it is talked about and put on the table from the start. So before you cheat, think about asking your partner how they feel about being in an open relationship. Before you download Grindr — even just to “see who’s around” — tell your partner so they don’t catch you on it or get sent a screengrab of your profile by one of his friends. TC mark

42 Irrational Things I Had Anxiety About This Month

Posted: 25 Oct 2015 05:00 PM PDT

dashutka2212
dashutka2212

1. My phone dying.

2. My phone not taking a charge.

3. Not having enough chargers in my possession to charge said phone. (I have five in my apartment ALONE.)

4. Ending sentences in professional emails with prepositions.

5. The ferry sinking while I was on it.

6. What the bartenders at that piano bar were saying about me behind my back/just when I was out of earshot.

7. What people I have never met in real life were saying about me behind my back.

8. What people I HAVE met in real life were saying about me behind my back.

9. Whether or not I really am lactose intolerant. (I am.)

10. My dog getting trapped on the balcony when I went to Target.

11. My computer dying.

12. My computer breaking.

13. My computer updating one night and losing all of the 17 Unsaved Documents I have with half finished pieces.

14. My nail beds bleeding.

15. The scars from shaving my legs not fading.

16. Needing birth control refills.

17. Needing groceries.

18. Needing bleach.

19. Needing new jeans.

20. Needing new glasses.

21. Needing dog food.

22. Needing these things but not wanting to go to Target to get them because again, I didn't want to leave my dog.

23. Not having enough storage on my phone.

24. Having to delete things off of my phone.

25. Whether or not my hair smelled.

26. Whether or not my face look oily.

27. If my debit card would get declined buying eggs benedict.

28. My alarm not going off in the morning.

29. Donald Trump.

30. What Donald Trump's inevitable book will be like.

31. Whether or not other people can see that bitchy star emoji on Snapchat or if it's just me.

32. What would happen if my employers or my parents ever saw my Snapchat.

33. The sound my garbage disposal made one night. It was probably just the prelude to me living a real life Paranormal Activity. Nbd.

34. Insomnia.

35. Sleeping too much.

36. Needing to clean my apartment because I put in a maintenance request.

37. Not cleaning my apartment because I watched old episodes of 30 Rock instead.

38. What the maintenance people would think of my not clean place and of course, my dog.

39. The weird chest pains I had one morning.

40. How much internet is too much internet.

41. Being annoying.

42. Having anxiety to begin with. TC mark

26 E-Cards That Hysterically Explain Modern Dating Better Than You Ever Could

Posted: 25 Oct 2015 04:30 PM PDT

1. 

2. 

3. 

4. 

5. 

6. 

7. 

8. 

9. 

10. 

11. 

12. 

13. 

14. 

15. 

16. 

17. 

18. 

19. 

20. 

21. 

22. 

23. 

24. 

25. 

26. 

15 Single Women Reveal Why They’re Still Single (So You Can Stop Asking)

Posted: 25 Oct 2015 04:00 PM PDT

Twenty20 / marcobertoliphotography
Twenty20 / marcobertoliphotography

1. "I just got out of a 5 year relationship. I am in no rush to be in another one anytime soon. In fact, I'm staying as far away from romance as humanly possible. If you even say the word 'date' to me I might try to hurt you." —Karen, 25

beetlejuice

2. "Not to sound conceited, but people always tell me I'm 'too pretty to be single.' If that were true, I'd have a boyfriend." —Alyssa, 24

beetlejuice

3. "I've been through some tough breakups, and no matter how many advice articles you read on the internet, they're not exactly easy to get over. I guess I'm single because I'm scared to be hurt again." —Marie, 27

beetlejuice

4. "I'm single because I haven't met a guy who has been as cool as I am." —Adrianna, 23

beetlejuice

5. "I've met men who I've been physically attracted to, but then their personality is subpar, and I've met men with a great personality, but the physical attraction just isn't there. I want both, and I'm single because I refuse to settle on someone who only has one or the other." —Jenna, 27

beetlejuice

6. "I have a really busy work week. I leave my apartment at 5 am and won't get home until 8 pm. I don't have time to be texting someone all day, or to even be thinking about someone all day. For now, work has my focus, and until someone comes along to break that focus, I'll remain single." —Loretta, 28

beetlejuice

7. "I think men are intimidated by me. Not because I'm beautiful, I'm not that vain, but because of my profession, and my education. I've talked to men about how they wish they could find a woman with intelligence, someone they can have an intellectual conversation with, but I'm right here, and I'm still very much single." —Nicollette, 29

beetlejuice

8. "I'm really shy when it comes to meeting new people. I think guys are instantly attracted to the girl who grabs their attention, and I don't think that girl is me. Maybe they think I'm standoffish, but I'm just quiet, and that's most likely never going to change." —Kasey, 24

beetlejuice

9. "Honestly, I think I'm trying too hard. I'm just going to let life happen. If a guy comes along, great, if not, oh well." —Olivia, 26

beetlejuice

10. “I have a kid, so not only does a potential boyfriend have to care about me, they have to care about my daughter. We’re a package, you can’t have me without her, and I think guys will be open to the idea at first, about dating a mom, like they have this awesome milf idea set up in their head, but when they realize the reality of being a parent, and the mess that comes with it, they don’t call or text. It becomes less of a milf situation and more of a run and never return situation.” —Kyra, 26

beetlejuice

11. "I continuously go for guys who treat me like crap, and those little flings don't exactly last long. So I'm single…until I find another guy, who will most likely treat me like crap again." —Gretchen, 23

beetlejuice

12. "I actually enjoy being single. I don't have anyone else to worry about. I can go where I want, hangout with who I want, and do what I want when I want to do it. I run the show, and while that sounds selfish, it's effing fantastic." —Liz, 26

beetlejuice

13. “My longest relationship has been 4 months, and that was in high school. I’ve never been in relationships, not because I don’t want to be, or because I don’t like them, but because I just haven’t met a guy worth having one with.” —Dana, 24

beetlejuice

14. “I don’t care that I don’t have someone to ‘share my life with.’ I’m sharing my life with myself, and my friends and my family. That’s fine for now. Maybe it will become a problem later, when all my friends are married with children, but maybe by then I’ll be married with children too.” —Nadine, 23

beetlejuice

15. “The answer is obvious, I’m single because I’m not currently in a relationship. Why am I not in a relationship? No idea, I’ve been asking myself the same question.” —Monica, 24 TC mark

31 Cringeworthy Flirting Fails That Will Destroy Your Faith In Humanity

Posted: 25 Oct 2015 03:15 PM PDT

via twenty20/beatriceong
via twenty20/beatriceong

1. The Braggart

Overheard some kid at my university – who’s pretty obviously well off – trying to impress a chick with all the people his dad knew and places he’d stayed over summer.

Her response?

“Wow, that sounds really significant.”

Clever girl.

2. Girl Baiting

I had a roommate who would do this move after we had a party and there were people lingering … He would go up to a girl and go “Alright, I’m going to bed. Goodnight.” and then walk off.

Then about 2 mins later he’d have come back up to “get something” and be like “Man, I’m tired. I’m gonna just pass out” either right by the girl or where she would hear.

Then 4-5 mins later he’d come back up to “do something” and say “I might just watch a movie or something before I fall asleep”‘ the he’d wander off.

This sort of thing would continue. His plan was obviously that eventually, a girl would come with him. AWESOME PLAN.

Now for the wtf part. I saw this actually work at least 3 times with 3 different girls,and it may have persisted after I moved out. All three times I witnessed ended in "relations.

3. The Gnome

Overheard this guy just randomly sitting down next to this pretty girl in a Starbucks in San Francisco.

The guy wastes no time in whipping his laptop out, then saying to her “Hey do you like WoW? Let me show you my Gnome Tank!”

That poor girl looked so… Shocked and confused. And everyone in the queue had to try to hard to suppress the laughter.

(I mean Gnome? Really?!)

4. Missing The Hint

I was at a gay bar a couple months ago. There was this guy wearing the exact same shirt as me. I go up to him and say something like “Cool shirt!”

He responds: “Looks better on you.”

My drunken response: “I know, but you look ok in it.”

Run away.

5. The Manga Lover

A few summers ago I was on a business trip, catching a connecting flight in Pittsburgh. Some fat sweaty old guy in sweatpants who had been reading NSFW manga in the terminal for about half an hour starts chatting up this young woman. He asked her if she was planning on going to something called anthro-con and then showed her the contents of what looked like a sketchbook. (I couldn’t see, I was facing them.)

I’ll never forget the look on her face. This continued until boarding.

6. Overkill

Was at a wedding a few years ago. Bunch of single guys went out drinking afterwards and we were all pretty loaded. One guy is striking out all over, so decides to take it to the next level. Walks out onto the dance floor, whips down his pants and yells, “All right, who wants some of this.” We all left that bar soon after.

7. No, Just No

Girl sitting by herself on a couch just inside during a houseparty/backyard party. Diddling on her phone and what not. My friend walks in, sits next to her, puts his arm around her, looks her in the eyes and says “I have a girlfriend but she says it’s okay if I make out with other girls.” She just gets up and walks away.

8. B Squared

On my first night away at college i witnessed the most horrific attempt at flirting I’ve ever seen. There’s five of us in the basement of our dorm one night, we’d been drinking and it was very late. It’s 4 guys and one girl and were just hanging out talking on the couches. This random kid comes downstairs without saying anything and plants his ass on the couch directly next to the girl. He starts small talking her, like “whats your name” “Where are you from”, standard small talk. I glance over at one point and notice he has A RAGING BONER. He was wearing track pants so that mofo was sticking up like the eiffel tower. I look around our circle at everyone else and they’ve clearly all seen it too. From that day on, we referred to him as boner boy, or in short, b squared.

9. “No Thanks”

My flatmate who’s a girl. A guy offers her a drink. The following was how the conversation went:

Him: “Can I buy you a drink miss?”
Her: “Not if I buy you one first.”
Him: “No, thanks.”

He proceeds to GTFO of there.

10. The “Bad Guy”

Coworker who I barely ever work with knows I moved from 2000 miles away to live with my boyfriend, tells me I’m cute. Fine, whatever. Then later tells me he like me because I’m a “good girl” and “bad guys like good girls.” I tell him good girls don’t like bad guys, which is why I’m with my boyfriend, who is incredibly nice. He proceeds to tell me that he’s sort of good, like he may sell drugs but he’ll also help little old ladies cross the street. SERIOUSLY. HE SAID THAT.

…Then he asks me what happened to my hand (I’m wearing a wrist brace.) “I don’t know, I injured it.” he says “Masturbating heavily?” in front of our boss.

Are you fucking serious?

11. “Up Yours”

A friend of mine was drunk one night when a lovely young lady caught his eye. He wandered over to her and he wanted to say something along the lines of ‘Here’s looking at you kid’ or just simply ‘cheers’. Instead he just looked her in the eyes and roared ‘Up yours!'

12. “Not My Best Moment”

I once tried to tell a girl she had really pretty eyes, it came out as “woah you have HUGE pupils” not my best moment.

13. Shitty Drunk

My one buddy was shitty drunk at a party. He sat down on the couch next to a not so bad looking girl. He turns to her and says, “You look like Princess Leia.” At that moment he goes right for it and they start making out. Hard. After a minute or so he pulls back and throws up. And, that was that.

14. The Fashion Insult

My beautiful divorced mother tends to get hit on a lot, and there are plenty of stories concerning these incidents, but the most awkward flirt goes to… She was at a wedding, and wearing a new shiny brown dress. Guy comes up to her, does what he assumes was a sexy face and says “Hey, what color is that dress?"

15. Painfully Awkward

I once tried to hit on a girl on a train. It went terribly.

She was sitting across from me and I thought I saw her smile at me. So I went and sat down next to her.

Me: “I saw you smile.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “I saw you smile at me.”
Her: “No.”
Me: “Hey, am I bothering you? Would you rather keep listening to your iPod?”
Her: “No, it’s fine.”
Me: “So, where are you going to? I’m on my way home from visiting my brother.”
Her: “I was visiting my boyfriend.”

(long awkward silence)

Me: “Oh shit, is this my stop?”

I ran over to the train door to make sure it wasn’t actually my stop, and then sat back down in my original seat and avoided looking at her for the rest of the ride.

I think the entire train car must have been watching me and thinking, “Wow, this guy is a complete idiot!"

16. Smooth Move Ex-Lax

I was in 7th or 8th grade and I was having lunch with my Dad when I saw this really cute girl about my age looking at me. I thought I was the shit back then and started glancing over at her. She notices and smiles at me and I smile back. I decided to go to the bathroom to do a walk by. I stand up and start my walk by. The whole time I am eyeing this girl. Suddenly, BAM!!!. I had been watching this girl and never noticed there was a low wall. I hit the and almost went head-over-heels. My Dad sees the whole thing and bust up laughing. I make the best recovery I can and run into the bathroom. After a few minutes of hiding in the bathroom, I hear the door open. My Dad comes in looks at me laughs and says smooth move ex-lax.

17. Who Doesn’t Like Gum?

In middle school the girl I obviously liked but was too much of a pussy to talk to got fed up, approached me, and struck up a conversation. After a few awkward sentences I had the brilliant idea of offering her some gum…because who doesn’t like gum? She thought I was implying she had bad breath and left.

Same girl like a year later asks me to dance at some party. I say “well, no one else is dancing” cause I didn’t want to look dumb in front of my friends as the only guy dancing…she thinks I don’t want to dance with her and leaves.

I was such an idiot back then.

18. The Rejected Liar

When I was in high school, before I could drive, I was waiting outside for my mom to pick me up after school. I was a junior, but recognized a sophomore that was known for getting with tons of girls. He walked up to this poor innocent freshman girl who was also waiting for a ride, and tried talking her up. She barely acknowledged him, giving him one word answers and then turning away. The kid KEEPS trying, for a solid fifteen minutes. The girl looked miserable until her ride finally came. Poor girl stands up to leave, and this kid goes in for a hug. She’s totally NOT having it, awkwardly escapes, and gets in the car.

The worst part was the next day, when I heard him telling all his guy friends about how he talked up this freshman girl and brought her back to his place for a bit.

19. The Man Who Couldn’t Take A Hint

I guess this sort of applies.

I used to be a “Check out Chick” at Woolworths in Sydney.

There were two customers in their late 20’s/early 30’s in my line who realized they went to the local school together. She was smoking hot. He was awkward/meek looking.

The conversation went something like this, soundtracked by the beeps of me scanning her items, so the guy was behind her in the line.

Boy: “Hey how are you? You still living around here?”
Girl: “Yeah yeah, I live just around the corner still, commuting to the city.”
Boy: “Wow, yeah yeah, that’s great. So do you still see random girl names from school anymore?”
Girl: “Yeah, I still see them at the pub and such.”
Boy: “So are you up to anything this weekend.”
Girl: “Nah, nothing on. Just a relaxing weekend actually, a weekend off.”
Boy: “Oh ok, cool. So would you like to hang out, go get some dinner this weekend then?”

Time freezes as everyone in the shop realises that everyone else in the shop was listening to their convo. It’s fucking tense.
The girl doesn’t know what to do. She stutters.

Girl: “Oh, ahhhh, thanks, but I’m actually really busy this weekend.”
Boy: “Oh Ok, but you just said…”

Mercifully, I had scanned all her shit and it was time for her to pay, so I interjected asking her for $30 or whatever the fuck it was. She rummaged in her purse and slapped down two $20’s and rushed out with her head down.

We all looked at the guy. He stayed looking down at the conveyer belt. I scanned his one item, disposable razors. He paid, then left. No words spoken. Rejected like a motherfucker.

The Grandma behind him in the line moved forwards and smiled at me.

Grandma: “That was awkward. Like a soap opera.”

20. Necrophiliac Undertakers

Some girl tried to tell me a joke about necrophiliac undertakers and pearl harbor day last weekend at a party and then when I laughed awkwardly, she attempted to plant a really nasty, wet kiss on me and missed.

21. The German Student

My cousin flirting with a german exchange student.

Still in high school and his opening line was “What classes are you taking”

She replies “Uhhh…. English, math, science, history… you know…. same as everyone."

22. At The Movies

Back in first year, I took a girl I’d had a huge crush on to see a movie. Near the closing credits, I leaned in to kiss her, and she leapt out of the seat and screamed “NO!!!!” at the top of her lungs in the middle of the theatre. Driving her home was pretty awkward.

After that I had a lot more confidence asking girls out, because I figured “What’s the worst rejection that could happen? Scream in terror in front of more than a hundred people? Been there, done that.”

Dating and flirting got a lot easier after that.

23. The Dancing Machine

I once saw this guy wait for a girl’s friend to go to the toilet, leaving her alone, then he danced this really goofy dance (he put his arms out to the side with his elbows bent, then basically bobbed his arms up and down) all the way across the room to her, and – while still arm-bobbing – said, “hey……… wanna dance?”, to which she replied “No”, and he said “Okay”, then did the arm-bob dance all the way back across the room to where he started in 1 slick motion.

24. The Elevator

I was talking to a girl in the elevator of my faculty, I asked her name as I was raising my hand to make a finger gun gesture. The space was so small I ended up touching her tits with it.

25. God Bless You

When I was in college, I had long hair for [edit]being[/edit] a guy. I’m also a redhead (yes, no soul), so it was quite a mane. One brutally cold day, I was wearing a long black overcoat while pumping gas and I heard a voice behind me said “Hey baby, want to go back to my place to get warm?”. I turned around thinking it must have been directed at someone else, but instead saw the most surprised old man I’d ever seen. When he caught sight of my full beard, he jumped like he just touched a live wire. He stammered “ohh.. god bless you… ohh… god bless you… ” as he backpedaled back to his pickup truck, then ran over a curb trying to leave the gas station.

26. The Middle Man

Oh, man, once in 6th grade, I was sitting in class when I noticed the girl I had a massive crush on sticking her tongue out at me in a playful way from across the room. Well, I took this as an invitation to reciprocate. Back and forth, we traded silly faces. That moment may have been the greatest of my entire childhood had it not been followed by the worst. I felt a tap on my shoulder, and spun around to see the guy who made my life a living hell (tall, good-looking, captain of the basketball team, bullied me constantly) looking at me like I had just raped his dog. Apparently, she had been trading looks with him, and I was caught in the cross-fire. Yeah, that one still stings.

27. The Drama Queen

I had an uncontrollable crush on a gorgeous, tall unaffected guy named Alan my first semester of college. He lived on my floor and couldn’t be any less into me. I could tell that I had a snowball’s chance with him, but the hormones, they are impossible to ignore.

Being very inexperienced, I thought that creating drama would inspire him to see me as the cute vulnerable stereotype I thought all boys wanted. So I manufactured some reason to need to have a long, emotional talk in the hall and, with what I thought was superb timing, I looked up at him with big, teary eyes, paused for two heartbeats and then lunged at him for a kiss.

He called me on my shit so fast, my head spun. “I knew you were going to do that” he said. “You know I’m not interested in you. What made you think that was going to work?”

It was the first time I’d made a pass at a boy since moving to the city from the boonies and it was the first time I’d been rejected. He did me a favor in a way, though. I never used artifice or stereotypes or created false drama again.
I still wish he had let me kiss him, though.

28. The Sneeze That Ended The Evening

Sigh… I was flirting with a girl in a bar (and it seemed to be going well). About a half hour into our conversation, I had one of those very strong sneezes (the ones that come out of nowhere and cannot be stopped). I ended up snotting into my hand and had a string of goo from my hands to my face when I pulled my hands away.

I just walked away.

29. The Mysterious Rejection

I was once at a party in a dorm, heading for the toilet but still on the dance floor. This chick came to me and asked me if I wanna dance and I said “OK”. She looked at me confused and asked “What do you mean OK?” I replied: “Well.. yes”.
Then she says “no” and leaves.

I never understood what the hell happened over there.

30. The Burrito Discussion

I used to work at the mall, and many days we would go to a certain burrito place for lunch. None of us employees knew the cute hispanic girls who worked there (one guy just called them all “Maria” by default). There was one girl there I thought was especially cute, so I decided “By God, I’m going to ask her out!” So I went to the taqueria in question and, when she asked me what I wanted on my burrito, I asked for her number. Since that wasn’t a burrito topping, she paused, and then repeated the question. I looked around. There was a line of hungry, impatient people behind me. Staring, unamused. My momentum was gone. I mumbled something under my breath about “I’ve seen you here before” or some shit. Misinterpreting what I was asking her, she leaned over, pointed helpfully at one of the possible burrito toppings, and said “olives?” It was at that point that I realized that she did not speak English, beyond the basic vocabulary needed to make a burrito. I relented, and ate my lunch in defeat.

31. The Hippie

When I was 18 or 19, there was this cute hippie girl who I had an absolutely massive crush on. We’d been talking for a little while, and things were looking positive. So, myself and a group of folks went to meet her and her group of people in a park. Get there, everybody’s greeting one another, and her and I kind of drift together to do a little “greet with a hug” kind of thing.
Hippie girl. Wearing birkenstocks.

I step in to give her a hug, and kick her big toenail clean off. Completely off.

So yeah, she’s bleeding and in a lot of pain. I’m not sure what to do. 15 or 20 people are there gasping and commenting. Pretty awkward. TC mark

15 Relationship Non-Negotiables I Wish I’d Demanded Sooner

Posted: 25 Oct 2015 03:00 PM PDT

Twenty20 / stephbarcenas
Twenty20 / stephbarcenas

1. No petty jealousy. Sometimes jealousy is a real – and unavoidable – human emotion, and can be totally rational. And it can even be a little flattering. But people who define their relationships by their irrational jealousy, and who are incapable of being trusting, shouldn't be in a relationship until they work through that themselves.

2. Passionate about their dreams. It doesn't matter if it's career-based, or a personal achievement/passion. All that matters is that they have something in mind that's bigger than today, and bigger than themselves, and they follow it with vigor.

3. Supportive of my dreams, too. If there isn't room for two people with big horizons in a relationship, it means the relationship is too small.

4. Curious about things they don't know, haven't seen, or haven't tried. People who shut down about anything from fruity cocktails to travel in a foreign country are probably not going to open up like rosebuds as they age. It's probably going to only be more tightly closed from now through indefinitely, and who wants that?

5. No fragile masculinity. If something is perceived as "girly" or "gay," that is only a reflection on the perceiver and not on the object itself. A guy who is afraid to wear something fashionable or engage an activity that doesn't perfectly fit the norms of culturally-accepted masculinity is just, for lack of a better word, boring as shit.

6. Friend to cool people. I'm sorry, if a guy's bros are just entirely uncool and he is a completely different person with them as opposed to with you, that's probably a sign you aren't meant to be together. We've all totally morphed our personality to be able to hang with "the guys," and we know how painful and not-sustainable it is. So you might as well find someone with awesome friends.

7. Matching levels of cleanliness. I'm not a neat freak by any stretch, but I generally do the dishes within the day, and like things to have a moderate level of organization at all times. If you are a neat freak, be with a neat freak. If you are a bit of a pig, find another pig to root around with. But don't ever be with someone several leagues out of your level of cleanliness, one way or the other.

8. A fair fighter. Anyone who dives straight below the belt is a bad move, but anyone who refuses to engage in any kind of conflict because they'd rather avoid confrontation at all costs is probably not going to be a good fit, either.

9. Honest about what they actually want out of a relationship. Maybe some people are okay with floating in the ether of ~what are we~ for months or even years on end. But for me and, I suspect, many people like me, having a clear idea of what everyone's long-term plans are somewhat up front is a huge factor in entering the relationship. Because once you catch those feelings, they can't be un-caught.

10. Good with parents. And, similarly, good with children. Just generally a good sport about having to be in important-yet-not-always-ideal situations, including extended family at holidays and people from high school you run into at the bar on Thanksgiving.

11. Okay with laughing when genuinely funny shit happens, even if it's somewhere awful like in the bedroom. A guy who can't laugh at himself – and appreciate the humor in things, regardless of its source – probably won't be much fun long-term.

12. Doesn't judge your music. (Okay, maybe a little bit, but only the fact that you listened to "Timber" so much last year.)

13. Respectful of their exes. Generally, anyone who is going to be talking serious shit about all of their exes and/or spilling their darkest secrets is someone you don't want to be trusting with your heart, because what are they going to do if and when you break up? I guess you can just never, ever break up with them so they don't tell everyone about that one night at the canal.

14. Knows the power of a surprise. A well-placed breakfast in bed or "no-reason" bouquet every now and again is one of the most powerful tools in a relationship arsenal.

15. A good sport. The most important quality in anyone, probably, but definitely someone for a long-term relationship, is their ability to just be a trooper. To muscle through shit and do what needs to be done, and not spend the whole time either complaining or guilt tripping. A guy who just figures it out and makes the best of it, in everything from carpentry to social activities, is the ultimate keeper. Anyone you settle down with needs to be a trooper. TC mark

7 ‘WAGs’ Explain Why They Date Athletes

Posted: 25 Oct 2015 02:00 PM PDT

A scene from E!'s reality show WAGS: Wives and Girlfriends of Sports Stars. (YouTube)
A scene from E!'s reality show WAGS: Wives and Girlfriends of Sports Stars. (YouTube)

1. THEY HAVE MORE TO LOSE THAN I DO

"I'm one of a very few. At any given time, I'm probably talking to a hundred of today's athletes by text, DM or email. Out of that hundred, I may only meet 25. But I stay engaged because I'm a fan….My safety with athletes is I know they're not gonna beat me or stalk me. I've never had an athlete be inappropriate with me. They have more to lose than I do. Because I'm always dealing with the upper echelon. I'm not a gold digger though. I've made my own money and I know when I meet someone I can say, ‘Here's what I'm bringing to the table.’ Now we have a mutually beneficial relationship where no one feels slighted."

—Lisa Ann

beetlejuice

2. I LIKE SEEING THESE MILLIONAIRES WRAPPED AROUND MY FINGERS

"First let me say I don’t consider myself a groupie. I go to school, I have a job, and I am an independent woman. I do what I do because I want to and it is fun….It is a control thing with me, I like seeing these millionaires wrapped around my fingers. It is the power of sex. I get a rush from it, these athletes and celebrities are use to getting what they want, and they are use to being in control, so when you take it away from them it is a power trip. I once had a player on the Atlanta Falcons beg me not to leave his hotel room. Said he would leave his wife and kids for me. It was like that scene from Harlem Nights with Sunshine. I am talking about a man who is 6’6″ 300 pounds who I have wrapped around my finger, you can’t imagine the rush you get from that."

—Candice

beetlejuice

3. I THRIVE ON ADRENALINE AND DANGER

"[My fireman dad] was injured many times because it’s as dangerous a job as you can get. He once caught a man who jumped out a third-floor window. My father burst through the second-floor window, caught him mid-air, and his only comment was, ''Thank God he was little, or the two of us would have gone down.' My father was 6-foot-6. I loved him a lot and I miss him a lot. Maybe that’s why I date athletes. And why I’ve driven a Ferrari 180 mph on a test track. I thrive on adrenaline and danger."

—Carol

beetlejuice

4. THEY KNOW HOW TO SHIFT INTO THAT EXTRA GEAR

"After my divorce, I decided I was only going to date athletes. My decision had nothing to do with body fat percentages or max bench press (although those factors certainly don’t hurt!). Nor was this decision dependent upon the man in question being some sort of professional competitor. In fact, I define 'athlete' as anyone who regularly and passionately engages in sports or physical activity….All you have to do is watch the face of a runner in his or her last mile of a marathon to understand that athletes have grit. When the going gets tough, they know how to shift into that extra gear to get it done. This trait is key in relationships when you want a partner that is willing to persevere through the difficult times, rather than simply throw in the towel and walk away."

—Lisa

beetlejuice

5. IT ISN’T AS DIFFICULT AS YOU THINK

"Here is what I don’t get—it is cool in our society to be like one of those Desperate Housewives bitches or Sex and the City bitches and sleep with 10 guys a month, but what I do makes me a prostitute? I am not ashamed because I am doing what I want to do and there is nothing wrong with that….It isn’t as difficult as you think. The easiest way is to just find out what club they are going to while they are in town. Most players go to the same spots every time they come into town, so you put on your best outfit and let them know you are willing to do whatever and they usually invite you back to their room. You can also hang out in the lobby of the hotel, but that isn’t as fun as going to the club….I know the funniest thing that has happened to me is when a coach busted in on a player and I while we were having sex and just started to talk about what the player had done wrong and how he needed to fix it for the next game and then just walked out like he never even saw me there. After getting bitched out by the coach, the player couldn’t get his little soldier to stand up anymore."

—Tonya

beetlejuice

6. GLAMOUR AND ROMANTICISM

"First, there is this sense of glamour and romanticism when it comes to dating an athlete. This was first coined when Marilyn Monroe dated Joe DiMaggio back in the day—and has had quite a ripple effect through Hollywood. It's alluring because these women get to be the glamorous celebrity and trophy wife, sitting in the crowd, as the cameras roll on. And it's the one time they can let their hair down and be a giddy fan."

—Hollie

beetlejuice

7. THE NAMES DON’T BOTHER ME ANYMORE

"Call me a jersey chaser, a cleat chaser, a puck bunny. I've heard them all. At 27, the names don't bother me anymore. I date athletes….I was not a gold digger, not a fame whore, I never wanted to fake it just to say I was with an athlete again. I found athletes attractive, sexy, interesting….I once hooked up with an NHL player who had a girlfriend who knew he cheated. He even said as much. "She knows but actively doesn't pay attention" he told me, trying to reassure me it wasn't a big deal. Later I learned there was truth to this: They had a convenient arrangement. He got to do what he liked, and she got the attention that comes with being attached to a famous and powerful man, and it worked for both of them. It helped boost her career and for that, she was willing to look the other way and smile through the countless accusations….Obviously it isn't all about love and serious relationships. I've had one-night stands and casual relationships with a lot of athletes. Some have been worthwhile—great sex, hilarious stories, a quiet personal bragging right when I watch ESPN and see them play well. But sometimes it's tough. I have learned to put walls up to distance myself from the potential hurt that many athletes are more than capable of dealing out, hurt I have felt in ways I can't begin to describe."

—Stefanie TC mark