Thought Catalog

Thought Catalog


18 Dudes Describe What It’s Like To Get A Bad Blowjob And What Makes It So Terrible

Posted: 18 Nov 2015 08:00 PM PST

via Shutterstock
via Shutterstock

1. “Like getting socks on Christmas Day.”

—Darrel, 24

beetlejuice

2. “There’s really nothing more tragic than a bad blowjob. There are a lot of reasons it could be bad but, in the moment, the realization that you’d rather be changing your oil than receiving the blow job that’s being thrust upon you is enough to make you question your whole life, your sexual orientation, whether you left the stove on, everything really.”

—Mark, 26

beetlejuice

3. “Usually when it’s bad, bad, bad it’s related to teeth being used. I’m not sure how a girl can’t tell when she’s banging her teeth with some dick, I’m really not. I mean, you brush your teeth, right? You know when the brush is hitting your teeth, you can feel it. I don’t understand this.”

—Scott, 22

beetlejuice

4. “I’ve only had one blowjob that I would say was terrible and it was because she had a tiny, elfin mouth. Like, I had soooo many fantasies about that cute mouth and when the moment came it was like sticking my dick in a pencil sharpener.”

—Isaiah, 27

beetlejuice

5. “It never fails, girls who say they love giving head the most are always the worst at it. In my experience, the ones that don’t like it have learned how to get it over with quickly but girls who ‘love it’ just like lick on it and stare at you and shit. Please don’t just stare at me and lick my dick. This isn’t a staring contest.”

—Marvin, 21

beetlejuice

6. “Some blowjobs hurt but some have just been annoying. I hooked up with one girl who was obsessed with not getting hair in her mouth and would stop every few seconds to like make sure there wasn’t any getting in there. I’m like, my genitals are mostly covered in hair, maybe it’s the male body you actually don’t like. Anyway, a blowjob has to have flow and stopping every few seconds to sort of complain about hair destroys the experience.”

—Josh, 25

beetlejuice

7. “A lot of girls do not understand how a penis works at all. They don’t know where it’s sensitive or where it isn’t sensitive. I’ve had a few girls just lick my shaft over and over and then look at me and ask ‘do you like that?’ I mean, no, you aren’t doing anything that feels particularly good. This woman was literally 30 years old. There’s no hope for her ever being good at it.”

—Bret, 28

beetlejuice

8. “A little enthusiasm is pretty necessary. The worst ones I’ve had were given by girls who seemed to be trying to seem bored so that I’d ask them to stop. Wish granted!”

—Howard, 24

beetlejuice

9. “Okay, I’m going to give your readers the real deal. Ladies, if you don’t swallow or do something dirty with the cum then we’re going to be disappointed. Jacking us off in your hand or on our own stomachs after a joyous blowjob is just about the most high school thing ever.”

—David, 27

beetlejuice

10. “I don’t mean to be mean because I will always appreciate a girl being willing to blow me but there have been a few that were really ruined by the girl absolutely not listening to what I said I liked and I don’t even mean anything weird. I just mean basic stuff like ‘use your hands.'”

—Nathan, 22

beetlejuice

11. “I dated one girl for a few months and the first time she gave me head I literally wondered if she’d ever done it before. I understand first times are always nervous so I thought things would get better. They never did. She insisted on always doing this stupid thing where she’d poke the inside of her cheek with my dick. I guess this was supposed to be a visual thing but it didn’t do anything for me and she refused to stop doing it. It was like she was more interested in posing with my dick for some nonexistent camera than actually getting me off.”

—Rob, 26

beetlejuice

12. “Here’s what happened:

Me: ‘Spit on it more.’
Her: ‘I don’t like when there’s a lot of spit everywhere.’
Me: ‘It will make it wetter though.’
Her: ‘Yeah, but it’s gross.”

She then proceeded to slowly tear the skin off my dick for five minutes until I asked her to stop.”

—Karl, 24

beetlejuice

13. “Um, if you can’t deepthroat then don’t force yourself to try. Had one girl do this and it clearly hurt her throat terribly. It hurt my dick terribly too but she wouldn’t stop trying aaaaand eventually she vomited on me.

What a great evening that turned out to be.”

—Joey, 25

beetlejuice

14. “My main complaint is women with heavy hands who don’t seem to know how hard or light they’re squeezing and who seem completely unaware that they have back teeth. Seriously, think about it, what if I just alternated gnawing your nipples and sucking them while slapping your tits? Would that be an experience you’d be excited to have?”

—Alvin, 28

beetlejuice

15. “Just swallow, I almost don’t care what else you do. Just do that and I’ll be happy. Sorry, I don’t have a lot else to add.”

—Dirk, 20

beetlejuice

16. “The thing most likely to make a blowjob mediocre and forgettable or even unpleasant is the notion that some women have that there’s no wrong way to give a blowjob and that guys are just so lucky to receive them. I’ve received blowjobs from dozens of women. The only ones I remember were where the lady cared about whether or not it felt good.”

—Nicholas, 30

beetlejuice

17. “Blowjobs are where you figure out whether or not you have a selfish lover. If she doesn’t like to give them because of the taste then you’ve probably got a dead fish on your hands. I figure there’s a lot of reasons not to like giving blowjobs but after going down on my fair share of women just days removed from their menses, without complaint I might add, ‘I don’t like the taste of your very clean dick’ becomes a weak excuse.”

—Rick, 29

beetlejuice

18. “Don’t use your teeth. Do incorporate your hand or hands. Do get it wet. Don’t stop a lot. Most girls have this stuff all figured out but it seems like a lot of those that don’t simply do not care to do it right.”

—Jason, 27 TC mark

13 Men Reveal The Thing About A Woman That Makes Her Most Approachable

Posted: 18 Nov 2015 07:00 PM PST

Twenty20 / jakestrongphotog
Twenty20 / jakestrongphotog

1. “There’s nothing more unapproachable than a girl surrounded by other girls. It’s cool if you’ve got two friends with you, but when you’re with seven other women, I’m not even going to try.” —Joey, 25

beetlejuice

2. “I met my current girlfriend in a bar. I spotted her when she walked in and I was like damn, who’s that, but what made me actually go up to her was every time I looked at her she was smiling. She looked like even if she rejected me, she’d be nice about it. Luckily she didn’t, and we’re in a full on relationship now.” —John, 26

beetlejuice

3. “What she’s wearing. I’m more likely to approach a girl wearing jeans than a girl wearing a skin tight dress with heels that make her taller than I am. The girl in the skin tight dress looks good, but I feel like she’s looking for someone wearing a suit, and that is definitely not me.” —Marcus, 25

beetlejuice

4. “Women are the most approachable when they’re noticeably enjoying themselves. When she is laughing, having a good time with her friends, and not looking around the room to see if any guys are looking at her. Most likely guys are looking at you, so stop looking for them to look at you…If that makes any sense. If someone gives off the impression that they are bored, boring, or in a bad mood, I’m most likely not going to talk to them. Probably because I think you’re going to reject me right off the bat, or you’re not going to add any fun or positivity to my night.” —Jim, 24

beetlejuice

5. “If I see a beautiful woman, I’m going to approach her. I’m not afraid of rejection. You won’t know if you don’t try.” —Greg, 27

beetlejuice

6. “Her body language is the biggest thing. If she looks like a rigid, impersonal snob I’m not going to approach her. If she’s constantly arm touching and super feely, I’m more than happy to be the recipient of that.” —Thomas, 28

beetlejuice

7. “A woman’s laugh grabs my attention more than anything else. Most likely because if she’s laughing she’s smiling, and there’s nothing better than a happy girl. I don’t want a pouty Debbie Downer.” —Chris, 26

beetlejuice

8. “When I get a couple glances my way, I’ll approach her, but if she’s not even looking in my direction just once, I’m thinking she wants nothing to do with me.” —Cody, 24

beetlejuice

9. “She doesn’t necessarily have to look like she’s shitting rainbows. I appreciate a girl who’s real, and not fake, so if she isn’t all giggly and upbeat I’m fine with that. I’m not ray of sunshine myself, so I don’t want to be around someone who’s inauthentically perky.” —Brett, 25

beetlejuice

10. “I usually approach a woman who isn’t so done up. I don’t know why women try so hard with all of that make up. You look better without it, and you’re more approachable when you have less of it on.” —Tyler, 25

beetlejuice

11. “Honestly, I’m not much of an ‘approacher.’ I like it when women approach me. It shows confidence, and I love a confident woman.” —Ross, 26

beetlejuice

12. “Approachability doesn’t really make a difference. You won’t know how she is until you talk to her, she could look approachable, and then when you try to have a conversation, she turns out to be a total bore. Or a complete psycho, who knows.” —Eric, 24

beetlejuice

13. “I think there’s a fine line between fake and genuine. If she is literally ALWAYS laughing and smiling, that’s fake. If she has a happy demeanor about her, but doesn’t have a smile permanently attached to her face, I think that’s more genuine.” —Shane, 25 TC mark

Jesus Is A Refugee

Posted: 18 Nov 2015 06:45 PM PST

Wiki /Fra Bartolomeo, Rest on the Flight into Egypt (Pienza)
Wiki /Fra Bartolomeo, Rest on the Flight into Egypt (Pienza)

Jesus is a refugee. Or at least, at one point in his life, he was.

No, this is not some contemporary argument that takes parts and pieces of Biblical text, and frames them in some type of modern or postmodern theological perspective.

If you know your New Testament, then you know that according to Matthew 2:13:

“When they had departed, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream and said, ‘Rise, take the child and his mother, and flee to Egypt, and stay there until I tell you. Herod is going to search for the child to destroy him.'”

In today’s terms, this sounds very much like the UNHCR‘s definition of refugee:

“…a refugee is someone who owing to a well-founded fear of being persecuted for reasons of race, religion, nationality, membership of a particular social group or political opinion, is outside the country of his nationality, and is unable to, or owing to such fear, is unwilling to avail himself of the protection of that country.”

Jesus was a refugee, and if this is so, then does it not mean that all those who now call themselves his followers – Christians – ought to have a special reverence for the stranger? The foreigner? The immigrant? The refugee in our midst? If the Lord you serve was once a refugee and indeed found refuge in a place, then does it not follow that all who find themselves in that position in this new age should be offered a refuge too?

But if looking at the very example of an event in Jesus’ life does not make the point, then let us look at really simple contemporary arguments that take parts and pieces of Biblical text(s) to frame a modern perspective.

There is of course James 1:27: “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to care for orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.” Arguably, keeping oneself unstained from the world is the hardest part of that decree because we’re always dealing with the parameters of what that means in terms of sin and grace – complex subjects. Looking after widows and orphans though? That seems fairly straightforward. Notice it does not specify the religion, the race, or the country said orphans and widows should come from.

Then of course there’s the parable of the Good Samaritan, from the Gospel of Luke. You know the story – a traveller is left for dead after being beaten. A priest and a Levite – supposedly decent people who believe in goodness and righteousness continue on and pass him by. But it was the Good Samaritan – the person with the worse reputation who unexpectedly helped him. An interpretation of what Jesus is trying to teach here is that it doesn’t matter what you are known for and what you think you stand for and what you preach. In the end, what matters is what you do. It matters most of all what you do when you see another in need.

But if I still haven’t convinced you, we’ll go back to Matthew 25: 44-45: “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or naked or ill or in prison, and not minister to your needs?’ He will answer them, ‘Amen, I say to you, what you did not do for one of these least ones, you did not do for me.'” At this point, Jesus is basically commanding that in order to follow him, it means taking care of the most vulnerable in society. Indeed, does that not include the refugee?

It goes without saying, as one priest put it in a homily once, “that the Bible can say anything you want it to.” And indeed it can. It is not my intention to twist texts that many hold holy and fundamental to their faith, for the purpose of mere political statement. Nor do I enjoy engaging in oversimplification of Biblical texts to make theological arguments. Still, sometimes the lessons are simple – take them for whatever they’re worth.

Moreover, it is my prerogative to recognize that Jesus was indeed a refugee. His divinity did not take away his humanity, and indeed as the perfect man I believe he was, whose concern was always for the most vulnerable and persecuted in society, it’s worth asking, if your faith demands that you ask, what indeed would Jesus do in our current refugee crisis? The texts are glaring at us with answers.

I’m anything but a perfect Christian, much less a perfect person. But if I cannot look at the suffering face, the vulnerable face, the refugee’s face, and see Jesus in him or her, my Christianity is worthless. And I would have failed not only in my faith, but also in my humanity.

Jesus is a refugee. TC mark

30 Dirty Jokes About Love And Marriage That Are Kind Of Offensive (But Also Hilarious)

Posted: 18 Nov 2015 06:00 PM PST

Shutterstock, Wallenrock
Shutterstock, Wallenrock

1. What's the difference between a wife and a job?

After 10 years, a job still sucks.

2. What do wives and hurricanes have in common?

On arrival, they’re wet and wild. When they leave, they take the house and car with them.

3. What's the secret to a happy marriage?

Find a woman who can cook and clean. A woman who's an animal in bed. A woman with lots of money. Make sure these three women never meet.

4. What's the difference between a prostitute and a wife?

A wife accepts credit cards.

5. What's the best way to love thy neighbor?

When her husband's away on business.

6. How is a wife like bacon?

They both look, smell, and taste amazing. They also both slowly kill you.

7. What's the difference between "incomplete" and "finished"?

A man without a wife feels incomplete. Once married, he’s finished.

8 Dude: My wife left me for my best friend.

Dude’s buddy: I thought I was your best friend.

Dude: Now he is, obviously.

9. What's the difference between men and women?

Women can fake orgasms, but men can fake their entire marriage.

10. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry her.

11. Wife: "I love you."

Husband: "Is that you or the wine talking?"

Wife: "It's me. Talking 
to the wine."

12. How is a wife like a freezer?

It takes hours of defrosting to get either really wet.

13. What's the difference between love and marriage?

Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

14. I've spent five years searching for my husband’s killer.

Still can't find anyone to do it.

15. Husband: "Just once I wish you’d admit I’m right!

Wife: "Just once, I wish you’d admit you’re wrong!

Husband: “Fine! I’m wrong!”

Wife: “Finally, something you're right about!”

16. How are marriages like fat people?

Most of them don’t work out.

17. What's the difference between love and marriage?

Love is one long sweet dream. Marriage is more of a nightmare.

18. What does every heterosexual man realize ten years into marriage?

Why "gay" also means happy.

19. Which one of your kids will never grow up and move out of the house?

Your husband.

20. What's the difference between a bride-to-be and groom-to-be?

A bride-to-be wants a shower. A groom-to-be wants to get as dirty as possible before his Big Day.

23. How does a man really satisfy his wife in bed?

By sleeping on the sofa.

24. Why didn't the man speak to his wife for years on end?

She told him never to interrupt.

25. Single guys often dream about having a smart, beautiful, caring wife.

So do most married men.

26. Wife [in front of the mirror]: "I feel ugly. Give me a compliment to make me feel better."

Husband: "Your vision is absolutely perfect."

27. Husband [in front of the mirror]: "Will you still love me when I'm old, fat, and bald?"

Wife: "I do."

28. Husband: “I wanna know when you orgasm next.”

Wife: "I'd rather not interrupt you at work."

29. Wife: "Can I spend $20,000 on breast implants?"

Husband: "Why don't you just rub toilet paper all over your chest?"

Wife: “I don’t get it."

Husband: "Worked on your ass, didn’t it?"

30. Some people say their wedding was the best day of their lives.

I’m guessing they’ve never had two candy bars fall out of the vending machine simultaneously. TC mark

7 Wikipedia Articles That Will Give You A Total Case Of The Creeps

Posted: 18 Nov 2015 05:00 PM PST

Serial Killer Albert Fish’s Letter To The Parents Of His Victim

#albertfish #serialkiller

A photo posted by @serials_killers on

If you know anything about Albert Fish, let it be that he was one sick fuck (and that’s putting it lightly.) His resumé includes child abduction, rape, murder, and cannibalism — and in a move that proved his utter depravity, he celebrated his final kill by sending a letter to victim Grace Budd’s grieving parents.

In it, he describes rampant child cannibalism during his time in China, a friend who turned him on to the curiosity of tasting human flesh, and exactly how he abducted her daughter (the details of which ultimately lead to his capture.) Fish then goes on to tell Mrs. Budd how her child’s life ended. FAIR WARNING — THIS IS EXTREMELY GRAPHIC AND NOT FOR THE WEAK OF HEART:

I went upstairs and stripped all my clothes off. I knew if I did not I would get her blood on them. When all was ready I went to the window and called her. Then I hid in a closet until she was in the room. When she saw me all naked she began to cry and tried to run down stairs. I grabbed her and she said she would tell her mama. First I stripped her naked. How she did kick – bite and scratch. I choked her to death then cut her in small pieces so I could take my meat to my rooms, cook and eat it. How sweet and tender her little ass was roasted in the oven. It took me 9 days to eat her entire body.

Thankfully, as I said, Fish was apprehended and executed by electric chair. His victim count stands at anywhere from 3 to more than 9.

A List Of All The Weird Ways People Have Died Over The Years

Just in case you didn’t have enough ways to worry about shuffling from this mortal coil, some psychopath has gathered an extensive collection of unusual deaths, going back as far as 620 BC (Draco, who suffocated under a pile of gifts thrown on top of him by citizens) and all the way up to the 21st century (Edward Archbold, who choked to death on bugs during a cockroach-eating contest.)

Other stand-out deaths include having your neck broken when your scarf catches on a car wheel, overdosing on carrot juice, having your face smashed in by an airborne fire hydrant, and being bitten by a severed cobra head. I’ll not be leaving the safety of my home for the next six months, thank you very much.

The Reason Domino’s Character “The Noid” Disappeared

#avoidthenoid #dominos #80spizza #80s_hunters #toycollectors #eightieskids

A photo posted by Wendy & Jason (@80s_hunters) on

If you’re old like me you might remember The Noid, a cartoon character created by Domino’s Pizza in the 1980s. He was supposed to be the personification of being “annoyed” (get it? A Noid? Hahahahaha not really though) when your pizza wasn’t delivered in 30 minutes or less because we had our priorities straight in the 80s. What happened to him? Was he phased out due to poor reception? Did they come up with a new marketing campaign to replace him?

Nope. A mentally ill customer, Kenneth Lamar Noid, decided that these commercials were out to get him specifically. In retaliation, in January of 1989, he took two Domino’s workers hostage, forcing them to make him a pizza and demanding $100,000, among other things. After over five hours, Noid surrendered to police, and eventually committed suicide in 1995.

This Entry About Humans (That Was Definitely Written By Something Not Human)

|•| #alien

A photo posted by G.G (@alien_for_me) on

I can’t even read too much of this one, it freaks me out too badly. It’s so clinical and cold, it literally sounds like teaching material to some interstellar academy full of aliens preparing to take us out. I mean, just look at this:

The human body’s ability to adapt to different environmental stresses is remarkable, allowing humans to acclimatize to a wide variety of temperatures, humidity, and altitudes. As a result, humans are a cosmopolitan species found in almost all regions of the world, including tropical rainforests, arid desert, extremely cold arctic regions, and heavily polluted cities. Most other species are confined to a few geographical areas by their limited adaptability.

I WANT TO BELIEVE.

The Tragedy of Green Boots

Thanks to @_ihardy, I think of poor ol' #GreenBoots every night before I fall asleep. (#RollerBlades on #Everest… #badidea.)

A photo posted by Farther Still (@fartherstillexpeditions) on

While I admire anyone who’s brave enough to scale Mount Everest, I honestly can’t imagine why anyone would. It sounds cold and dangerous and just plain awful. There are over 200 bodies littered across Everest’s rocky crags, the most famous of them being dubbed simply “Green Boots” due to his notable green boots. There are a few theories on who Green Boots may be but ultimately he remains unidentified.

I’m not sure what creeps me out more: the idea of dying cold and alone on that mountaintop or the fact that for years people used his body as a trail marker of sorts. However, as of 2014, Green Boots is missing from the trail — hopefully buried, so he could be laid to rest.

A Roller Coaster Designed To Kill People

Why does this blueprint even exist?! Can we destroy it, please, before it’s used for pure evil?! I’m scared of roller coasters that function NORMALLY.

This nightmare was designed in 2010 by PhD candidate Julijonas Urbonas as a method of “euthanasia” or “execution.” Now, I’m not one to argue that “Euthanasia Roller Coaster” isn’t an amazing band name (because it is) but what even inspires someone to come up with a machine like this? And here’s the terrifying way it works:

The Euthanasia Coaster would kill its passengers through prolonged cerebral hypoxia, or insufficient supply of oxygen to the brain. The ride’s seven inversions would inflict 10 g on its passengers for 60 seconds – causing g-force related symptoms starting with gray out through tunnel vision to black out and eventually g-LOC (g-force induced loss of consciousness). Subsequent inversions would serve as insurance against unintentional survival of particularly robust passengers.

Why, Julijonas? WHY?

The Mystery of Mary Jane Barker

In 1957, four-year-old Mary Jane Barker went missing after being spotted playing in her front yard. Less than a week later, after a massive manhunt, she was found by accident behind a closed closet door in a vacant newly-built house nearby where she’d gone missing. The house had been searched three times previously but no one had checked the closets.

At first, the general consensus was that Mary Jane had been playing by herself and accidentally shut herself in the closet, then starved to death, unable to get out. However, when she was found, there was a neighborhood girl’s puppy (which had gone missing the same time as Mary Jane) that bounded out, healthy and happy. There was no trace of dog food, water, or animal waste. Someone was taking care of the dog while Mary Jane slowly died.

Her autopsy showed she survived in the closet for three days — inside were claw marks, indicating she tried to escape. And though the door couldn’t be locked, a thumb screw had been affixed to the door, making it difficult for a person of Mary Jane’s height to open it.

Though there was no sign of foul play, many believe that Mary Jane was murdered… yet we may never know. TC mark

You Have To Choose Her Everyday (Or Leave Her)

Posted: 18 Nov 2015 04:00 PM PST

Aleksandar Nakic
Aleksandar Nakic

I spent five years hurting a good woman by staying with her, but never fully choosing her.

I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.

Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.

Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.

As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Every day, for five years, I chose her a little less.

I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.

Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so much more.

Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace—or even see—what was so wildly wonderful about her.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship…which still made me choose her even less.

I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me.

Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.

She fought hard to make me choose her. That's a fool's task. You can't make someone choose you, even when they might love you.

To be fair, she didn't fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.

I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn't feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.

Actually, I did abandon her.

By not fully choosing her every day for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her.

Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.

It's torture for everyone.

I'll never not choose another woman I love again.

It's torture for everyone.

If you're in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:

"Why am I choosing my partner today?"

If you can't find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart's truth, "I just do."

If you can't find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.

But if too many days go by and you just can't connect with why you're choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.

Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Every day.

You do, too.

Choose wisely. TC mark

10 Things You Should First Cultivate In Yourself If You Want A Healthy Relationship

Posted: 18 Nov 2015 03:00 PM PST

inspirationfeed
inspirationfeed

In Los Angeles, half this town is searching for representation, and a good majority of that half tends to be asking the wrong question: “How do I get an agent?” A brilliant screenwriter once put it to me this way: “Well, how do you get a husband or wife? Be the kind of person that someone would want to marry – be the kind of person that someone would want to represent.”

We don’t tend to think this way. We tend to be busy list-building when it comes to what we want in a potential partner, critiquing others before critiquing ourselves. We buy into articles that list out all the things someone has to do and be before we'll date them, without taking much into consideration whether we do and are those things ourselves.

I have a friend who once rattled off that she wants a boyfriend who's in good shape, does all the dishes and happily cooks and cleans. I gently pointed out to this friend that she doesn't go to a gym herself and that the mundane tasks of life usually have to be shared in some sense; in other words, what qualities did she possess that would make her attract such a partner? What was she going to bring to the table too? "Just let this be my fantasy," she'd said.

It’s all well and good to want certain things from a significant other – but first, take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself if you are the kind of person that the person you’re searching for would want to be with. Spend your time working to become that person rather than searching for it. Maybe you'll find what you're looking for along the way.

Here's a list of the 10 most crucial things we should first work to cultivate in ourselves if we want a happy, healthy relationship with another:

1. A growth mindset

Based on research by Dr. Carol Dweck, those who possess a growth mindset believe that anything can be learned and developed through hard work and dedication, that intelligence or creativity or the ability to have a healthy relationship are not fixed qualities. In this way, the growth mindset encapsulates resilience in the face of adversity and leaves room to not only make mistakes, but embrace and even get excited about them. The growth mindset's harmful opposite, the fixed mindset, dictates that you're born with certain abilities and that's that. It advocates that talent alone creates success, that effort is not a part of the equation. It's the fixed mindset at work every time we tell someone, "You're so smart!" and the growth mindset at work when we offer up the healthier alternative of "I love how hard you're working on this task."

While it's near impossible to operate from a growth mindset 100% of the time – our society is very much governed by the notion of hierarchy and status and rank, of good grades and résumés listing our accomplishments and fancy titles – it is possible to train yourself to operate from one or the other the majority of the time. Which would you most want from a partner? Someone who believes that their talents alone should carry them through life, who feels they're a victim to circumstances and wonders why they haven't been handed their big break? Or someone who treats life with a wandering curiosity, who isn't afraid to get outside of their comfort zone and make mistakes, even if they'll fall, even if they'll look stupid, because in picking themselves back up, there's a lesson to be gleaned? If you say the latter, you'd better be doing the work to be that person yourself first.

2. Kindness and generosity

Research suggests that lasting relationships come down to two qualities: kindness and generosity. It's safe to say we all want both from a partner, just as it's safe to say that we don't want a partner who uses kindness manipulatively or exercises generosity with others because they don't feel good about themselves. Do you give from a healthy place, one that is stable and secure rather than one built around low self-worth or lack of confidence? Are you kind to yourself and to others, offering up goodness in the purest of ways, without ulterior motives around status or appearance?

3. Conflict resolution

If there's one thing that most people dislike, it's conflict and confrontation. Some deal with it more effectively than others, but for all, healthy conflict resolution is a practice and a learned skill. How do you tend to deal with the conflicts in your life? Are you in denial about their existence?; do you tend to take on a more avoidant approach, living with your conflicts in secret and pretending as if they don't exist? Do you frequently take on a blaming approach, shifting culpability onto others rather than taking responsibility for your part in things? Are you passive aggressive about what bothers you, dancing around the subject with snide comments and feigned sweetness? We all hope for a partner who's going to be willing to work through the speed bumps of a relationship openly and honestly, but how often do we hold the mirror up to ourselves and take note of just how well we tend to handle life's speed bumps? What are we doing to prepare ourselves to be that mature partner who's willing to work through conflict?

4. Willingness to compromise

With all relationships comes the need for sacrifice and compromise. The tradeoff to companionship is that you won't always get your way, that you won't be able to turn a relationship on and off at your desire. We tend to hope for a partner who will be willing to make sacrifices for us, who will recognize when we really care about something and reduce their own self-absorption enough to allow us to have or go after that thing we most want. But are we also willing to give the same? Are you someone who's prepared to have to sacrifice things you care about at times, to let your partner have or go after that thing they most want?

5. Ambition

We tend to want a partner who's ambitious and has a lot of drive, but when there's an imbalance of ambition between partners, relationships can hinge and break on this single factor. While there hasn't been a study on ambition and infidelity in relationships, there have been two studies for which the combined results indicate that there's something really important to an equitable breakdown of ambition and drive between partners in a relationship. In one, higher levels of ambition were found to positively correlate with higher income levels. In the other, the results indicated that infidelity occurs more frequently in relationships where there is greater income disparity between partners and that when partners have similar earning potential, the chances of cheating decrease significantly.

Since ambition tends to be a desirable quality, it seems to be important that we be ambitious ourselves to have strong, lasting relationships – which is to say that if you want a partner who's got a lot of ambition, you'd better first take a look at just how ambitious you tend to be. Do you set goals for yourself – for the week, month, year? Do you act on them? Are you forward-thinking? How much of your down time do you spend doing things to better yourself as opposed to binge-watching TV or scrolling through Instagram? Are you really passionate about something? What are you doing to go after that?

6. Independence

There are few things as important in a relationship as maintaining your own lives outside of each other. That's not to say that these lives can't be shared with each other, that you can't talk about them together at the end of a day – but if the only thing you care about in your world is your partner, you're setting yourself up for a rocky relationship. As humans, we get a lot of our confidence and feelings of worth from our work. I don't just mean from our jobs, but from the tasks we spend our time doing, whether that's a hobby, a sport or something entirely different.

Having a space that is ours where we can ask questions and solve problems is important to our growth and happiness, and the most important thing about that space is that it should be entirely personal to you. Maybe you and your partner will share some common interests, and that's wonderful, but to neglect your own is dangerous on many levels.

Don't you want a partner who's excited about things you don't quite understand, who has something that's all their own that they work to nourish and build in their life? Isn't there something attractive to seeing just how capable and motivated someone we care about truly is? If you're someone who'd rather sit on the couch and wait for your partner to get home from all they've been doing, or if you hope that a relationship might rescue you, that meeting your match might help you fix what's broken inside of you, you may need to reconsider your sense of independence in a relationship.

7. Willingness to be vulnerable

While independence on the part of individual partners in a relationship is important, there's something equally important to vulnerability, as it's the catalyst to healthy interdependency. The real and the honest lies only in the space where we allow ourselves to share our truths, however painful or shameful they might be. Many of us tend to be quite guarded about the memories, experiences or choices we're not proud of, but that same group of us hopes for the kind of openness and intimacy that comes with hearing the secrets of someone we care about. If we hope for someone to be able to be vulnerable with us, we first have to be willing to be vulnerable ourselves, which often times requires building up an internal core belief that real strength lies in our vulnerability.

8. Boundaries

Without boundaries – firmness about what you will and won't tolerate, that comes from a place of compassion – relationships can slip into the quicksand that is codependency. One partner will end up the one who subserviently says "yes" to things they'd rather not do, while the other partner will end up the one who makes constant requests, or even worse, doesn't even make requests but rather just does nothing, knowing that their partner will always deal with things. Without boundaries, resentment can crawl its way into a relationship, and with resentment will come a lot more conflict. It's all well and good to hope for a partner who has boundaries, who knows their worth and isn't afraid to assert themselves when need be. But just how well do you draw up your own boundaries and stick to them? Just how much do you act out of a place of knowing and believing in your own worth?

9. Adaptability

Life is always changing, so of course we want to end up with someone who can change with it and with us. But just how good are you with change? On a smaller scale, are you flexible when it comes to plans pivoting on a whim, or in a larger sense, do you struggle with major life changes, like new jobs, new cities or new homes? If you're someone who has a hard time adjusting to change, how much of your struggle with adaptability is born out of your own stubbornness or resistance, a defiant resolve to strictly adhere to the worldview you know to be true? What would it feel like to let that go and embrace something uncomfortable and new? I think we all hope for a partner who's unafraid of the unknown and open to new beliefs. But if that's the case, what are we doing to make sure we'll be that partner ourselves?

10. Willingness to be wrong

For a lot of us, it's really damn hard to admit when we're wrong about something, whether it's as small as a fact we heard somewhere and have adamantly deemed truth or as big as having hurt another person and being willing to admit that and apologize. Maybe we have such a hard time with being wrong because our sense of worth and sense of identity are heavily wrapped up in what we think we know, and to have our construct of reality challenged is to essentially challenge or threaten our sense of self. Or maybe we have such a hard time with being wrong because of basic insecurity. Maybe we have too much pride. But don't we all hope for a partner who can admit when they're wrong? Who respects us enough to apologize when it's due? If we want that in another, we first have to work to be that ourselves by becoming willing to hold ourselves accountable when we're wrong.TC mark

14 People Share The One Thing They Wish The ISTPs In Their Lives Understood

Posted: 18 Nov 2015 02:00 PM PST

alaskangeles
alaskangeles

1. “Hey, so we know you COULD survive on your own, but it would be a lot more fun if you spent more time with the loved ones in your life. But don’t lose your independence, or your creativity. You guys are pretty rad.” –ENFP

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2. “We would get along much better if you could assume a little more responsibility and be more proactive.” –ISTJ

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3. “You are a realist, pragmatic and spontaneous – it’s an odd combo that people don’t understand but it also makes for a great combo, for whatever you want to market yourself as.” –ENTP

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4. “I love your sense of humour! I just wish you were able to think about your future and be emotionally intimate.” –ENFJ

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5. “Not everything can be fixed.” –ISFJ

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6. “You see the world in all it’s subtly and glory, but in all it’s technicality too and that is a breathtaking combination. Remember that you aren’t alone. Find the people who remind you of your value and keep them close.” –INFJ

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7. “Stop messing about with non-living things. Get a girlfriend.” –ISFJ

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8. “I love your company. You are hilarious and I admire how you can live in the present.” –INTJ

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9. “Be humble… you've got such a big person inside you.” –ISTP

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10. “We will never say this outloud unless we’re about to die during one of our adventures but dammit do we need you. We have the potential for some of the most badass team ups ever and we’ll annoy the living hell out of one another but it will NEVER be boring. Also, stop telling us to shut up, I know it’s a shocking concept, but you might learn something. Also realize that we ENTPs fully grasp the irony in telling you this since we know damn well that we’re probably the biggest know-it-alls on the planet.” –ENTP

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11. “You need to get off your bum and do something about your thoughts!” –ENFJ

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12. “You should be an engineer!” –INTP

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13. “Not everything needs to be figured out or solved. I am not a math equation or a science project.” –ENFJ

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14. “Thank you for being so chill!” –INFP TC mark

This Is What It’s Like When You’re In Love, According To Your Zodiac Sign

Posted: 18 Nov 2015 01:00 PM PST

Twenty20 / LinaVeresk
Twenty20 / LinaVeresk

When you’re in love, you act different than usual. Your hormones are going wild, and you wake up and go to sleep thinking of someone else. Love can make us act completely out of character, and you might find yourself singing in the grocery store or going out of the way to pick up your love’s favorite sushi.

The way we act and the sensations we feel when we’re in love are distinctive for each of us, specifically the aesthetics and sensations of being in love.

Does your zodiac sign really affect the way you feel in the greatest/sometimes worst feeling of all? Check and see if your sign matches how you feel when you’re blissfully, and insanely in love.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Love feels like wildfire

As an Aries you’re not afraid to be adventurous and bold, and you’re one for the grand gesture. If you barely know the object of your love, that doesn’t matter; you aren’t going to wait until they make the first move. You’re insatiable when it comes to love, and are a caring albeit intense lover. You feel as if you’re a hunk of burning love.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Love is a test

Taureans are strong, and can go for however long it takes for you to complete a task. You feel selfish with your love and won’t just give it out freely; it must be earned. You feel strongly but your feelings are buried down deep.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Love is a never-ending mystery

While Geminis may be versatile and sociable, you rely on what goes on in your head rather than what you feel. When you’re in love, you’re mixed up and don’t know what to expect. You enjoy the surprise and the excitement, but love keeps you off-balance. At least you never feel bored.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Love is comforting

Cancerians have a deep love for home, and they truly treasure their friends and family. Since, as a Cancerian, you’re guided by your emotions with almost everything, when you find love you bask in its warmth. Love for you feels like a warm blanket on a chilly evening.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Love is all-consuming

As a Leo you have a tendency to demand that the spotlight be on you. But when you’re in love, you become obsessed with the person you love. You think about them constantly, even when they’re right there with you.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Love is personal

Virgos tend to be over-thinkers, and can be critical of themselves and others. You have that fluttery feeling in your stomach whenever the person you love comes near, but instead of immediately hugging and kissing them, you’re more likely to make a sarcastic comment or hit them playfully on the arm. You’re scared that if you really let go with your love, you’ll lose it big time.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Love makes you feel out of balance

As a Libra, you have an appreciation for art, beauty, and harmony. You want everybody to be happy and have a good time. You express your love constantly through thoughtful gestures or small affectionate touches, but you feel off-kilter, as if your heart is a separate entity.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Love breaks down walls

Scorpios love having a big and bold life, and you love fearlessly. You experience love and all emotions very deeply, and have a tendency to feel a bit possessive about the people you love.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Love is self-discovery

Sagittarians are bright, enthusiastic and upbeat. You’re always passionate, so when you’re in love you feel that passion multiply. You’re happiest when you’re pleasing the object of your love.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Love is a never-ending mission

Capricorns can be rigid and too responsible. When you’re in love, you feel like all aspects of the relationship are on you to make it work. You love with the intent that it will last forever and you’ll do anything in your power to see that it does. It’s OK to share some of the responsibilities of the relationship with the other person, though.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Love catches you off-guard

Aquarians want to save the world and sometimes get so wrapped up in their humanitarian causes that they forget about their hearts. Love usually hits you when you’re not looking for it. When you’re in love, you feel dizzy and sick to your stomach (but in a good way). Everything feels fresh, as if the two of you are learning a new dance together.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Love is hopeless devotion

Pisces have a lot of feeling and are always thinking of others. When you’re in love, you’re devoted to the person you love. You feel dreamy, and as if someone really gets you. TC mark

YOURTANGO

Why The Saying “Good Things Come To Those Who Wait” Is Completely Wrong

Posted: 18 Nov 2015 12:00 PM PST

Twenty20 / Katiekhromova
Twenty20 / Katiekhromova

You can't blame New York City for making you a certain way. Though you will.

You will try to say that before you got here you always made eye contact, you asked strangers how they were, and you meant it, deeply. You could wait in a line without tapping your toes and blowing out sighs that suffocated the entire bagel store with your own annoyed breath. You could do just that: wait.

But not anymore.

I blame you, New York City, for certain kinds of things. For making me sprain my ankle from the uneven pavement that lines the battered streets. For making me only be able to afford $1 street pizza because to eat anything else here, means you have to comprise. Means you have to tap into your 401K or realize that you may you flirt with debt for the rest of your poor-FICO credit score life. For making me always in a rush.

I am always in a rush, here.

I can be patient. I've been patient before. I can sit on hold with JetBlue for 36 minutes because I booked the wrong flight and now I'm scheduled to fly to Belarus instead of Boca Raton on the 26th. I can hold my own in line at Bank of America, during lunchtime, to withdraw the pennies I have left in my saving's account so I can pay my American Express bill from September 2014.

But when it comes to things that make my heart race and my world shake, just a little bit, I can't sit still.

People tell me all the time that I need to slow down. That I shouldn't run 15 blocks and ignore street signs to jump on an F-train that will pull away, with or without me on it. That I should take a deep breath and not pour out all of my feelings to a guy I just met months ago, because he may not like me that much, yet. That I should tread lightly when sending my 5th email this week to the same reporter, because in the end, she will respond only when she wants to.

We were eating at a tiny, invisible vegan restaurant in the Village the other night and my cousin, who after listening to the meaty mess of my life for two-hours straight, paused, to say this:

"People always say 'Good things come to those who wait'."

I roll my eyes around the times I've heard that and the times I've had to hold back my verbal response of ughhhh. People don't believe in magic. In the tooth fairy. In Scientology. I do not believe in that quote.

"But that's not even the full quote," he goes on.

I wiggle my torso up straight and drop my fork, accidentally, in my water glass. "It's not?"

"No. The full quote is good things come to those who wait but only the things left by those who hustle."

I swirl the edge of my cup with my index finger, amused. Relieved.

"Jen," he says, patient yet flustered. "We're supposed to hustle for what we want."

New York city tells me all the time that I need to move faster. That if I run those 15 blocks and make it to the subway and miss the F-train by just a couple of seconds, that there's probably another train on another platform I can jump on, re-route, and still get to my destination in under 10 minutes. That there is never a good time, a good place, a good day of the year to tell someone that's giving you a case of Acid Reflux-like butterflies that you like them.

I blame you, New York City, for being so expensive, so loud, so crowded that you make me feel like I always have to hustle. I blame you for making me realize that in a city that robs your heart, as much as it robs your bank account, nothing good comes to those who wait, except, maybe, a conversation with a rep from Time Warner Cable who says they'll send someone out to fix your internet between the hours of 9am and 5pm on Monday. TC mark

Love Jen Glantz? Her book, All My Friends Are Engaged is now available as a paperback here.

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