Thought Catalog


How My Depression Is Addicted To Netflix (Spoken Word Poem)

Posted: 21 Nov 2015 03:45 PM PST

We’re back with another #SpokenWordSaturday!!! EEEEeeEEEEeEeeeee. Let’s talk about depression, baby. Let’s talk about you and me. (Hi, Spike, fictional vampire that I’m still low-key in love with…)

* * *

Whenever I fall into a bad depressive episode,
I usually end up doing a lot of the same thing:
binge-watching one of my favorite TV shows,
Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
And no, it's not just because I've had a case of burning loins for the Big Bad Spike since middle school, but because, in my current state,
I decide Sunnydale, what with it's alarming mortality rate
and all those demons running amuck,
is still a preferred reality to the one I'm living.
The one that has me feeling all this empty.
Because that's the thing about depression.
We paint it like it’s so glamorous,
That it's an artist's great pain,
A deep sadness,
like hmmmm,
I don’t know,
Say maybe being a vampire cursed with a soul and falling in love with the Slayer!
Yes,
So tragic.
Such heartache,
what with all that brooding and longing.

But that's Hollywood depression.

That's blood and guts
And intensity splattered across a screen.
And dammit if I'm not a little jealous sometimes.
If in my lowest moments,
I envy Buffy with her fucked up relationships and never-ending need to be the martyr.
At least she feels something.
At least she knows her purpose.
Even if she lost it a little in season 6,
we were still rooting for her.
Depression is no one rooting,
even if they actually are.
Depression is a blank television screen
staring at it so you can convince those around you
you still see it.
You still see those images dancing
when it's just static.
It's all static.
So I binge watch Buffy The Vampire Slayer
and think about calling him,
or him,
or any of them.
Ones that don't even exist in this lifetime.
Not anymore.
But maybe that's why I love a show that features people back from the grave.
Maybe I like playing make-believe a little too much.
Any sort of fantasy I can sip on.
Because Depression,
Oh she's on every channel and I can't mute her.
So I try to mute her.
Scoobies have been through worse,
right?
End of the world and I'm here feeling nothingness.
So maybe the Apocalypse would feel like somethingness.
Depression isn't big or grand.
It's in the smallest moments,
Like getting in the shower,
or looking at your phone.
Wanting a remedy,
To even fuck your own demons like Buffy did
so you can remember how to find your way home.
I binge watch Buffy and remember I can still find my way home.
So I can stop saying Yes
when I’m asked,

"Are you still watching?" TC mark

If Only You Had Let Me, This Is How Much I Could Have Loved You

Posted: 21 Nov 2015 12:09 PM PST

photo-1445098723321-a69084fa7ccf

To you, love was about multitudes.
To me, love was inordinate.

I love you, I would say.
How much? You would ask.

I couldn’t find the words to answer you then.

But they have found their way to me since. And this is what I
would tell you.

I would blanket the world in utter darkness; I would pull back
the veil of light and reveal to you, a blinding crescendo of stars.

I would drain all the seven seas and ask you to count–one by
one–every grain of sand that clings to the ocean floor.

I would tally the beat of every human heart that has echoed
since the dawn of our becoming.

And as you look in awe at the sheer magnitude of my admission,
I would take your hand in mine and tell you; if only you had let
me, this is how much I could have loved you. TC mark