Thought Catalog


10 Things That Happen When You And Your BFF Are Single AF

Posted: 06 Nov 2015 07:00 PM PST

Nicole Tarkoff
Nicole Tarkoff

1. Your attempt at wing woman somehow becomes a cock block.

You’d like to think that since you’re both single (AF) you could help each other out in the ‘picking up men’ department, but your expectations are not reality. You expect to meet two attractive young men that are also single AF, but usually one of them is engaged, and you’re stuck making small talk about what color icing his wedding cake will be. Then when your friend wants to go home with the single one, you make her walk back to your apartment with you instead. Wing woman turned cock block.

2. You both are harsh critics when it comes to dating.

Your BFF has your best interest at heart, so when she thinks you’re settling for less than you deserve, she is not afraid to voice her opinion. In her eyes, no one is good enough for you.

3. You both date jerks.

Which is most likely why you’re both still single.

4. You both know each other’s type.

When your BFF goes for the guy with a man bun covered in tattoos, it comes as no surprise. You both have a very distinct type of man you’re attracted to, and both of you are very familiar with exactly what type of man that is.

5. You have used each other to ward off men you’re not attracted to.

When that persistent guy at the bar can’t take a hint, you make up some excuse that your BFF willingly goes along with. “My friend isn’t feeling well. Bye.”

6. You have twin telepathy.

You’re not blood related, and you’re certainly not twins, but you are both fluent in the same unspoken language. When you’re not having fun you don’t need to say anything, she feels your pain.

7. You vicariously live through your BFF’s love life when you don’t have one.

When you’re going through a dry spell, and the only person you text on a daily basis is your mom and your best friend, you need someone’s love life to look forward to, and it is certainly not your own. You revel in happiness when your BFF screenshots you text messages and asks you what to say.

8. The world becomes a market of men.

When you two do anything together in public, the first thing you notice is how many cute guys are in your radius, and how many of them are single. “Cute boy behind you, don’t look. Wait, wait, damn that is definitely his girlfriend.”

9. You’ve both been asked if you were lesbian.

You walk into the bar holding hands, you dance together on the dance floor, you take selfies with kisses on cheeks, and it’s completely normal, but for some reason other people think you two are in a relationship that suggests more than friendship.

10. You both end up with each other at the end of the night.

After you’ve been out hopelessly flirting with random men, you come home with your BFF, put on your comfiest sweats, order a pizza, and wonder what in the world you’d do without each other. TC mark

21 Brutal Relationship Truths Healthy Couples Accept (Because They Know They Have To)

Posted: 06 Nov 2015 06:00 PM PST

Twenty20, nolimitpictures
Twenty20, nolimitpictures

1. The best gift you can give your partner daily is to wake up and be the best version of your authentic self. But there will be days when you’re inexplicably grumpy and there's absolutely nothing the love of your life can do to make it better except sit there and tolerate you.

2. Loving someone means caring enough to give them the space to be an asshole or a curmudgeon some days for no apparent reason—to appreciate them when they’re at their darkest as well as their happiest. You won’t like your boyfriend or girlfriend all the time, but you won’t like yourself every day, either.

3. No matter how compatible you are, you won't agree on everything simply because you’re two different people. You’ll disagree on political candidates, throw pillows, and how much salt to use while cooking.

4. And because you’re both destined to change over time, the person you’re dating might start to look different from the person you fell for to start with, which can be scary. Since we evolve as a function of our experiences (some shared, some not), the person you love today might very well develop new interests, hobbies, habits, or opinions that you don't very much like.

5. That means that you will absolutely have to compromise regularly. You will have to bargain on an ongoing basis, accepting the rug you only sort of like in exchange for the right to keep the teddy bear your boyfriend or girlfriend despises displayed on the bed year round.

6. Sometimes, you won't even be able to reach a compromise. You will negotiate yourselves into a corner, at which point you might have to rely on measures like rock-paper-scissors or a good ol' coin toss.

7. And you will have to accept defeat sometimes, because you will not win every round of rock-paper-scissors or every coin toss because that’s life.

8. Your partner is definitely going to offend you occasionally—sometimes on purpose, during a massive fight because they just can't help themselves, and sometimes totally by accident.

9. There’s no one better positioned to hit you with the lowest of low blows than the person you love the most in life because they know you better than anyone else. If you abuse your power to cut deep, you have to expect an equally cruel response.

10. Sometimes, your partner will say or do something foolish in public. It's your job to cover for them as best you can, and to love the fuck out of them regardless.

11. Because sometimes, you're going to make a fool of yourself, and you'll need their support whenever that happens.

12. There’s a time and a place for honesty. Sometimes, when your partner tells a joke that falls totally flat, they’ll need you to fake laugh in response to make them feel good. And if they ask whether they look okay as they rush out the door, there’s only one right answer.

13. You will both probably covet other people sexually, and that's okay. You’re both human, so you’re both susceptible to crushing on other people and/or lusting after their bodies.

14. Flirting can be innocent, and entertaining naughty thoughts about strangers, colleagues, or even friends doesn't mean you love your significant other any less.

15. Because love doesn't make you immune to temptation. Resisting temptation takes work on an ongoing basis, and there's no shame in that.

16. It's up to you and your partner to set boundaries you're both comfortable with, and to honor those boundaries to the best of your abilities.

17. No matter what, you will both fuck up. You will hurt each other over and over again because people make mistakes no matter how old they get, or how good they are at heart.

18. There will be painful times riddled with doubts and apologies and breakdowns. Times when you will have to wonder whether or not your partner will be able to forgive you, or decide to move on instead. There are never any guarantees that a person will stay with you forever, even if you’re married.

19. And you can never be 100 percent certain about what's going on in your significant other's head. Even if you feel a connection to your partner that's stronger than anything you've ever known, their mind will always be theirs.

20. Similarly, your relationship will always be unique from every other couple’s, and there will only be two people who ever truly get it: you, and them.

21. Although it’s natural to make comparisons, no one is perfect and no relationship is ideal, no matter what anyone’s carefully curated social media feed says. TC mark

14 Strippers On How They Really Feel About Their Clients

Posted: 06 Nov 2015 05:00 PM PST

Flickr brh_images
Flickr brh_images

1. I HATE YOU SO MUCH. PLEASE DIE.

"It makes me feel sick. A lot of the time I try to imagine they're not there or something but part of it is making them feel special. Looking into their eyes is really important. I hate having to do that because I hate them all. I always have thoughts like 'I hate you so much. Please die." While I’m kneeling in front of them, smiling and staring into their eyes."

June

beetlejuice

2. I HATE EVERY CUSTOMER I SEE

"I hate every customer I see….Some guy at the club started rubbing my crotch through my panties last night. I said, 'You can’t do that.” He said, 'Why not?” I said, 'Because I don’t want you to.” He looked shocked. Like… dancers aren’t just walking sex dolls? We actually have wants? The recurring theme seems to be that no matter where I go, men treat me like I’m theirs….I’m so tired of being touched and smirked at and catcalled like my body was made specifically for them to enjoy. I hate them all so much."

Lily

beetlejuice

3. THE MEN WERE SO SCUZZY

"I danced in 2002 & I HATED it. The men were so scuzzy in there but generally, the women don’t mind. If they are stupid enough to hand us their $ for NOT getting laid, then that’s cool. I have never been shy about nudity, but when the OLD men or the ones who are in strip clubs for a reason (BUTT-UGLY!) & want a lap dance…UGH!! That was the most degrading money I ever made & the hardest. It’s not easy to pretend that you are turned on by some fat-ass loser wanting a lap dance, but that is the only way to make $ as a stripper….I didn’t hate the men. They were just being men…I hated the job."

Anonymous

beetlejuice

4. SHE’S CRITICIZING YOU, LAUGHING AT YOU, MOCKING YOU

"If you’ve ever given money to a stripper, you’ve probably given money to a girl or woman who has spent the last 20 minutes laughing at you, either with the other girls or on the inside. You buy a lap dance and inside she’s criticizing you, laughing at you, mocking you. She’s mocking what you're wearing, how you're speaking and everything about you. When a man would pay me to give him a lap dance I would spend the entire time internally laughing at his breath, his pimples, his fat belly, anything and everything I could. These women hate you, and no amount of money you can give them will make them like you any more.…So, while we may be thinking about how disgusting your teeth are, how horrible your breath is, what a stupid shirt you’re wearing and how we’d like to run a cheese grater over your smug face, we’re smiling and looking at you through submissive eyes as we robotically rub our bodies over yours."

BB

beetlejuice

5. HE SMELLED LIKE ONIONS

"I had this one guy who really stunk. He was a college boy. He didn’t wear no deodorant. He was sweating nasty. He smelled like onions. I was in there an hour with him and I had to deal with that smell for so long. I kept, like, rubbing my nose trying to give little keys like, you need deodorant. It was horrible."

Asia

beetlejuice

6. IT MADE ME REALIZE JUST HOW PATHETIC MEN ARE

"I did it and it made me realize just how pathetic men are. I don’t hate them, I just hate that they come get lap dances and watch naked women dance and go home to their wives and lie about it."

Anonymous

beetlejuice

7. BALDING, SLIGHTLY CHUBBY, SMALL DICK RUBBING INTO MY ASS

"Girl, your man owes me 60 dollars. About your man: white, early 30s, balding, slightly chubby, suited, small dick rubbing into my ass. Your typical strip club patron….I gave him five lap dances before he claimed he did not know they were 20$ per dance, then bolted without paying me."

JJ

beetlejuice

8. I USED TO HATE EVERY SINGLE CUSTOMER FOR BEING MALE

"Many of the strippers I know hate men and want to use them and unfortunately this is the outlet, one which is not ultimately powerful for women….I used to hate every single customer for being male and being in a place which uses and ranks women, but now I see individual stories and I can’t hate every single customer, especially when they tell me they know they are messed-up inside."

Amy

beetlejuice

9. ANGER AND FRUSTRATION

"There is a common belief amongst society that strippers hate men….The more common and specific scenario in which strippers can be guilty of disliking men, are quiet nights, or nights the club is swarming with men who are only interested in swigging on alcohol and being boisterous with their other drunk mates. The temporary, situational anger and frustration that derives from such nights can be quite intense. The hopelessness that is felt on one of those shitty nights can be enough to make me want to quit, within minutes an interesting, not-too-drunk-and-irritating customer who wants to pay heaps of money to hang out can wipe away that feeling. The trick is to be patient and see men as individuals, not a whole."

Madison

beetlejuice

10. I’M A FEMALE MISOGYNIST

"No, I don’t hate men. A few of them annoy me, but that’s the job. I don’t speak for all dancers but I can tell you that I’m a female misogynist. After dealing with so much bullshit from the uterine sector I will not even go near one. They are 100x more handsy and entitled than the most inebriated male customer. Just not worth the money. You wanna do us a favor, ditch the civilian vagina and come with your buddies ready to spend and have a good time. Note: there’s a .00001% group of female customers that are cool. Those are few, far between and greatly appreciated."

Anonymous

beetlejuice

11. YOU’RE AN IDIOT, BUT I’M A SLUT, SO WHATEVER

"When I started working as a stripper, I'd look at the other strippers and be like, 'Eww, look at all these crack whores." But that feeling dissipates pretty quickly. But you do judge your colleagues at first, and the strippers judge the men who come in, and the men judge the strippers, and so everyone is judging everyone, which means that everyone is fronting. But the flip side is that no one cares because you're never going to see each other again. It's like, 'You're paying $12 for a Bud Light to see my tits, which means that you're an idiot, but I'm a slut, so whatever." So in a way it's kind of liberating–everyone's just working their shit out and getting drunk and hating each other."

Jacq

beetlejuice

12. THE CUSTOMERS ARE THIS WHOLE OTHER SPECIES

"When people say, 'Doesn't stripping make you hate men?' or stuff like that, to me the customers are not men; they're this whole other species."

Rachel

beetlejuice

13. STRIPPING IS A SOUL-SUCKING, DEGRADING JOB

"I feel that overall stripping is a soul-sucking, degrading job that will drain the life right out of you if you stay too long. I've danced four years now and I am so worn down—physically, emotionally, and mentally. I've been cursed at, groped, propositioned, had objects (such as quarters) thrown at me, shoved, humiliated, insulted, licked, bit, had my clothes literally ripped off me, been rated like a piece of steak by male and female patrons of the club, talked dirty to, stalked…I'll just stop there for now. And they wonder why many dancers hate men?? Ha…I don't hate them, but I have to admit my feelings about men…and even life…have changed greatly by being a stripper."

Andie

beetlejuice

14. I STOPPED CARING ABOUT PEOPLE

"I now realize that lap dancing is one of the hardest things I ever did. I found it tough, soul-destroying, and it had begun to strip me of my humanity. I began to see everyone in terms of how much I could get out of them. I had begun to really hate men, to be bored in their company. I stopped caring about people around me because I was surrounded by this atmosphere of constant mistrust."

Anonymous TC mark

My Dad Died Before I Even Had My First Kiss

Posted: 06 Nov 2015 04:00 PM PST

Unsplash / Abigail Keenan
Unsplash / Abigail Keenan

My Dad Died Before I Had My First Kiss

I still hate phone calls,
wonder,
sometimes,
if it’s a side effect from the grand loss.
The ring makes me jump
like suddenly
it’s 5 AM and I’m in a hotel room
with family friends so I can finally sleep.
So I’m not awake with my ear pressed to the door
listening to labored breathing.
My stomach hasn’t settled
Seven years,
Some nights,
I can’t even look at my phone.

I still hate goodbyes,
wonder,
sometimes,
if it’s a side effect of sudden leaving
not by choice
but still an exit I can’t stop replaying.
I tell boys
I barely love
to not leave me
because I am afraid of the silence
of waving
and dusty paths that never seem to settle.

I still hate my mother crying,
wonder,
sometimes,
if I didn’t do enough to soothe it.
How quickly I ran into the arms of someone else,
did not stay to rub her back.
I kissed someone for the first time
after my dad died.
Is that why
romance
tastes a little like my own heartbreak?

Screen Shot 2015-11-05 at 10.14.37 PM

Things I Think About At 2 AM On His Couch

The first time I let silence speak for me,
I remember tasting bile in the back of my throat.
Thought it was normal to feel acidity,
Like maybe it was just how things happened.
I would bite my tongue
and you would bite it,
too.
It wasn't until a doctor opened me up
with scopes and cameras,
said,
"your esophagus looks like it's been experiencing trauma"
that I finally realized
you weren't kissing me
like healthy boys do.

Screen Shot 2015-11-05 at 10.03.32 PM

Love Story

I want you at your dirtiest,
when you cannot rinse away reasons others left.
Find me in the mildewed towel.
We shouldn't be wasting our water,
All these droughts running rampant
Let this idea that I'm running
run dry,
I promise,
I will drink your flaws.
I am thirsty for the dark,
So don't cover your mouth in the morning,
Darling.
Let me be your toothpaste.
If I wanted the perfect story,
I would have written it. TC mark

The Miracle Of A Very Good Ending

Posted: 06 Nov 2015 03:00 PM PST

Screen Shot 2015-11-05 at 5.48.21 PM

There is a thrill in walking to and from places in the fall.

There is the confetti of leaves
and our last frivolous act of the season is to step on them
just hear them crunch.

There is the thrill of the darkness that comes early
of the relief of going home and going to bed
after a long hot summer.

I have always loved fall because it is the season where the things around us prepare to die.

I like to know that things end.

That there is a period at the end of a sentence.

That it doesn’t matter if it is a good bit of prose, or something that a student writes, we give them both the courtesy of a standard issue punctuation mark.
Of acknowledging that they are over.

I like to know that every year winter comes.

The summer days don’t last.

That the trees will make a show of losing their leaves and then be quiet.

It is comforting to know we are not expected to muster up the courage to keep on going, forever. TC mark

The Fat Jewish Got His Book Leaked, So Naturally I Downloaded It And Read It. Here’s What I Learned.

Posted: 06 Nov 2015 02:00 PM PST

This image was taken by photographer Guerin Blask. Wikimedia
This image was taken by photographer Guerin Blask.
Wikimedia

Two hundred and forty seven pages, a shit ton of coupons and four "Chill Zones" later, all I can think is someone must have been really pissed off to have copied each individual page of The Fat Jewish’s book onto the internet. I found the PDF of this book sitting in my newsfeed somewhere with a bunch of comments of how The Fat Jewish (Josh Ostrovsky) deserved the book leak. Earlier this year, he dominated media headlines everywhere after they reported on his supposed joke thefts. Many of his Instagram followers renounced him, yet he became a partner of White Girl Rose with popular author Babe Walker, and worked on his memoir Money, Pizza, Respect. I decided to binge read the entire leaked PDF in order to decide for myself if he was as much of a fraud as the internet claimed.

Firstly, the memoir took me about two hours to read start to finish. By my own classifications, it places it slightly above toilet reading and slightly below beach read. For instance, the Gossip Girl book series is classic toilet reading. I would get one of the books at Barnes and Noble, start it on the 15 minutes car ride home, then adjourn to the toilet where it would be finished in about 30 minutes and my legs would fall asleep. Anyways, my best comparison of a recent celeb memoir is to Lena Dunham's Not That Kind of Girl. That might possibly be a bit of an offensive claim to some people, but their respective memoirs accomplish the same tasks. Not that Kind of Girl appeals to Lena's usual audience of pseudo-intellectual 20-somethings with a massive chip on their shoulder who expect TMI from their supposed "Spirit Animal." Money, Pizza, Respect is for the fuckboy bros looking for a hero and the basic Jewish Girls who share his memes claiming to relate and secretly longing to bang him. He calls girls like that "Chuckle fuckers" girls who are longing to bang usually chubby comedians.

His memoir is frank and mildly offensive which is what his usual following is searching for. He repeats comparisons of "How gay is this? [insert item]" and compares it to things that involve cocks. His description of his first strip club: "Ivan's was as dark as the depths of a hooker's anus," he then asks readers "Now that I think about it this might of been my first pussy. When was yours?"

The Fat Jewish is successful because he is relatable and includes his audience — he has sex with his fans and denotes an entire chapter to describing sex with his craziest female fans.

The book is divided up into "Chill Zones" because "reading is hard" and people need breaks.

Honestly, it's a decent concept for luring in his base that normally don’t read. However, he knows what he's doing. He's college educated. He is pleasing his fans. The coupons section is one of the best things I've seen in a memoir in a long time. It reminds me of the days of Care and Keeping of You and other guides to puberty that try and make it less awkward by making it interactive. Also, it makes it the book a decent gift. Despite the fact that it has already leaked, book sales will do just fine. There are plenty of people with a conscience that won't let them pirate books online. Why do you think the iTunes charts look like they do? Mom and Dad would be ashamed if Madison or Emma ever downloaded music illegally. So the charts continue to be dominated by Justin Bieber.

His assorted followers will buy up the book so they can tell people that they have actually read something this year. It's definitely going to show up around beaches in the Caribbean and left on cruise lounge chairs all this winter. But the Fat Jewish does impart some nuggets of wisdom. I will leave you with his 11 Commandments of Not Being an Asshole.

  1. Do not express yourself through a hat.
  2. Don't talk about your job.
  3. Don't do cocaine.
  4. Do not be overly positive.
  5. Don't use a Doritos bag as a condom.
  6. Don't make movie quotes your primary comedy source.
  7. Don't say words in other languages in the accent of that language.
  8. Don't be afraid to eat at strip clubs.
  9. Don't aggressively talk about sex all the time unless you want people to think you're gay.
  10. Don't talk so loud.
  11. Don't eat sushi at a gas station. TC mark

Basically A Stranger: 16 Men And Women From Arranged Marriages Share The Truth About Sex On Their Wedding Night

Posted: 06 Nov 2015 01:00 PM PST

via twenty20/santiago__cervantes
via twenty20/santiago__cervantes

1.

“I think a lot of people are misled by what an arranged marriage actually is. You aren’t arranged to marry someone and then you meet them on your wedding day, I mean I suppose that could happen, but it would be extremely rare. The point of an arranged marriage is to create a relationship that benefits both families. It’s in everyone’s interest that the two being wed have time to get to know each growing up so they can become comfortable with each other. When I hear people talk about arranged marriages I sometimes think they believe the bride is kidnapped and has a gun to her head until she’s married where she becomes a slave to the husband. Which is (most of the time) ridiculous.

I met my husband three months before my wedding. We went on a few dates before the wedding. How was the wedding night? Pretty nice.

Since we’d both come directly from the wedding, we needed to shower. He took a shower first, then I did. It was about 2 am before we finally got started.

It wasn’t awkward at all. A bit painful, but not really awkward. First orgasm came a few days later on a train in France for our honeymoon.

20 years later, we’ve got a house full of children to prove that the sex has been both enjoyable and plentiful.”

2.

“My wife was picked by my father’s family in a move of desperation. We had little money to work with during Jordan’s economic down. And we needed the marriage to get government money. The girl my dad chose was very quite and awkward. She had already found other men in her life and had made a point to tell my I could never satisfy. I tried to at least get along with her but she never decided to like me. Our marriage eventually failed and it cost my family a great deal of money.”

3.

“Arranged marriage literally a few months ago. From UK and wife from Pakistan. I live in the city centre, shes a villager. I grew up having dated a few girls but largely stopped doing that around 4 years ago, my wifes barely ever looked at a guy. I have two degrees under my belt and my wife who is 7 yrs younger than me (she’s legal) is at college. We are first cousins. Before I proposed i did not know her well at all. I could only tell from her character and what other people said about her. Apart from the fact that she was beautiful and has the best smile ever, shes mature, trustworthy and patient. According to everyone shes also a bundle of laughs. So thats pretty much all i had to work with. Thought why not and dropped a bombshell on my parents (they never thought i would want to get married from pak since i have always flatly refused the idea) when i got back to UK. Turns out she wanted to marry me too (surprise! She wasnt forced).

Anyway, we get married. First night was super awkward. She barely spoke a word then went to sleep. I just lay there eyes wide open thinking what the hell is going on. She woke up eventually and we spoke a little…started kissing…so far so good. I had all sorts of lube with me so whipped that out. When we began foreplay it was really just me doing everything. When we got to the penetration it was way too painful for her so I stopped, lay next to her and said we could take as long as she needed. Ended up not having sex for two weeks. Just a lot of foreplay…..but once she got comfortable…oh my days!…it was rough, hot, sweaty sex for the rest of the time. She loves it when I go down on her, as I did. The best thing though was after the sex, the way she would just stare at me for eternity. That would totally crush me. I miss that the most. And I totally love her. We have the greatest chats, same sense of humour and totally know how to piss each other off.

I haven’t seen my wife for a few months now I’m back in the UK. Probably wont see her at least til next June. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Can’t wait to see her again.”

4.

“My parents and aunt arranged a marriage for me and I traveled back to my country, met her once before the marriage. First night she was really shy and kept hiding under the blanket and pulling it away from me while giggling, nothing happened that night, then she got a call the next day from her mother and they kept talking for half an hour.

It happened then later that night when we were in bed innocently watching TV, then she looked at me and said maybe the first complete sentence: “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do” in a nervous voice. So I laughed and played it funny, then started gently kissing, hugging, and joked a bit then two hours later we are doing it and now I’ve two kids from her and she turned 26 last month.

Arranged isn’t as bad as it sounds, but back in my place it’s normal to have arranged marriages and even marriages without seeing the bride.

5.

“From a muslim standpoint, I had an ‘arranged’ marriage, but it really wasn’t all that arranged. I met my wife through a family friend. We were introduced, our families were introduced, and we spent about a year getting to know each other. Both of us, at either point, could have decided we were not interested, but we fell very much in love and got married.

We discussed sex, contraception, etc. prior to getting married so it wasn’t a foreign topic.

When we finally ended up having sex (day after our wedding night, we were way too exhausted that night), we took our time and went slow. It was very much enjoyable for both of us and we have sex nearly daily now (a year in). We were both virgins and had zero experience doing anything sexual with the opposite sex. Looking back now, I am really glad I got to experience all of that with her and only her. It makes it that much more special to me.”

6.

“This all happened April last year, and it is 100% true. My wife is from a muslim country originally but her family is from the capital and quite modern. She has relatives however from a smaller village who are not quite as modern. So one of her second cousins (son of dad's cousin) wants to get married because it is time already and he wants children. His mom interviews a few girls but it took a while. Some of the girls she didn't like because they weren't ‘traditional enough,’ and some of the girl's families didn't want because the guy's family was too strict, even for a small village (things like the girl having to be muslim, must wear hijab, pray 5 times a day, the whole ordeal).

Finally they find a girl who suits him, his mom approves and girl's parents approve, so they organize the wedding for like 2 weeks after (sadly because of that I couldn't go, we live in Western Europe and I need to tell my vacation days in advance, at least more than 2 weeks, but she could arrange it with her work to go for the wedding).

My wife told me about the wedding, it was super traditional muslim wedding, which I would have loved to see because I have never been to one, although it was hard for me to understand a wedding without any alcohol. So the wedding happens and it ends early and everyone goes home to rest and sleep. My wife and his family (parents and sister) go to the hotel which is an hour away.

Then my wife's dad gets a call. I should say before that my wife's dad is very well considered in his extended family because he has a very good job in the center and works with high profile people, basically a very ‘respectable’ man. It was maybe 1am and he gets a call from his older sister saying that he needs to go back to the village immediately, there is an emergency. Him expecting it to be about money (he gets asked for money quite often) demands to know what is going on. So here is fun part.

The groom was a very traditional muslim man. He had never had a date, never gone out with a girl, and followed his religion in a very strict way. He had barely talked to women in the past. The bride has followed a similar path. So they finish the ceremony, they go to the room, and they realize they have absolutely no idea how to proceed. Like these people did not know how to have sex. They had never watched a porn film, they never had sex education, no one thought to tell them what they would have to do in bed. They are there wondering what to do now, so they call this aunt who is the eldest of the family to tell them what to do. But the aunt feels that a woman cannot possibly describe to a man how to have sex, that is so inappropriate, so instead she calls her younger brother (my father-in-law). My FIL doesn't want to hear about that crap, he is one hour away and it is really barely any of his business, it is late and he works the next day. Also there must be many others more suitable for that kind of thing. At this point my wife and her mom and sister are cracking up because they cannot believe this is happening on 2013, and the thing is no one expected this otherwise they would have taken precautions.

So my FIL tells them to try to find someone else and if not he will go, but thankfully they contact on of the guests who is a "mullah" (not sure I spelled that right), like a religious figure, who agrees to go and explain to the guy what to do with his wife so they can consummate the marriage. But it doesn't end there.

Like a week later my wife comes and tells me that apparently something happened, because the next days the bride was seen walking funny, and apparently they had to contact a gynecologist because something had happened during the wedding night that actually hurt the poor girl. We never got to know what was it that he did (or they tried) that went wrong, or the outcome after. Keep in mind this is really embarrassing for them so they tried to keep it as low as possible, we only found out because they called my FIL first to try to go talk to the guy.

So obviously this was in a very rural area in a small village of a muslim country, very hard to understand for many of us but it is one of my favourite stories that I heard. I doubt this happens in many arranged marriages, but hey, it happened in at least once. And last year, too!”

7.

“Warning – this reads like an erotic story written by a 9th grader.

Indian-American (born and raised in New York) here… I had an arranged marriage to a girl in India at 29. I was getting fed up with the dating scene and told my dad that maybe getting married from India wouldn’t be such a bad idea. He signed me up for a matrimonial site for Indians. I met my wife by chance on this thing while she was working in Dubai. I have dated a few people in my 20’s and two of them got serious enough that marriage was being discussed when we split. I’ve dated girls casually as well as a FWB. Going in I thought I was well beyond puppy love and was convinced that arranged marriages were for convenience, security, and all the boring but comfortable things things that my Indian parents gave as arguments for arranged marriage. She was extremely shy and spoke in a low tone for our first conversation. Her English isn’t as good as mine but I speak our language fluently so we mainly communicated that way. Eventually this turned into Skyping for hours every day for 4 months. The topics we discussed were absolutely the most innocent things you could imagine. I mean absolutely nothing near sexual was discussed but I felt like I was really connecting with someone like I hadn’t before. I also found myself really excited at the prospect of meeting her. One of my previous relationships was three years and I felt more honest and safe with this stranger in Dubai over the internet.

I had a little anxiety attack the week before I flew out to India to meet her but I convinced myself that I had no less than a 50/50 shot that this would turn out great for me and carried on. We met and I was floored with how pretty she was. I was used to seeing her sans makeup after her shift (nurse) over webcam. I was really happy with how pretty she is that way so I was smiling ear to ear when I saw how absolutely stunning she looked in person, dressed up in a sari. We talked, I confirmed that I still felt the same way in person as over the internet and I officially proposed that afternoon after a walk (followed by her older brother and wife at about 100 paces). We got married that Sunday. It was awesome… so much more awesome than I expected my wedding to be. We partied until 1am before winding it up and going back to our room. I knew we were both thinking about it but no one said anything. She sat on one side of the bed nervously looking through her bag. I sat on the other side kind of wondering if I should just go over and put my hand on her boob or something. So I got up and did what I thought would be pretty clear sign… I took of my shoes and socks, took off my shirt and went into the bathroom and ran the water. I stood there for about 5 minutes silently as I waited for her to follow…she didn’t. I took a shower with the door slightly ajar, waiting for her to come in… she didn’t. I stood behind that door ass naked and tried to get her to come in by asking for a towel… she stuck her arm through the door, gave me the towel and sat back down. My proud erection was a little confused… She was extremely innocent but I don’t think I could have been clearer without saying ‘come in here, I’d like you to see my penis.’ So I got dressed and sat on the bed next to her. She got up and went into the bathroom with a pile of clothes. I heard the latch slide over and a door chain being used. I sat through a long shower and watched her come out wearing cotton PJ’s with some stupid floral print on them. Not sexy sleepwear like I would’ve expected.

She turned the lights off and sat next to me in silence under the covers. Five minutes of silence before I decided to try tickling her side. She grabbed my hand and I felt her hold it…so I rolled over and planted one on her mouth. She kissed back like the first girl I ever kissed; awkward but excitedly. We made out like I haven’t made out since probably high school. Extremely fumbly heavy petting from both sides eventually ended up in shirts and pants being taken off. We were both naked but not “doing anything” yet. I eventually just took her hand as we were making out and put it on my dick. She held it like she was holding a flashlight while kissing me so I was forced to reassess the situation and come up with an alternative plan. I took both of her hands and held them while I worked my way into position to go down on her. She had reacted when I started kissing her stomach and this turned into “what the hell are you doing?!?!?” once I started what I was down there to do. She was surprised but didn’t stop me. She held onto my hands and repeated asking what I was doing several more times before putting her head back and really getting into it.

She then had her first orgasm (apparently they don’t teach you that girls can do that in Indian nursing schools) and we lay there while I explained what just happened to her. After talking and her regaining composure I rolled over and did my best to get it in. That didn’t work and I was too stupid to bring any lube with me from the US. Spit didn’t work to well either and she was in pain so I stopped. She asked if I could have orgasms too so I was obliged to show her that I was indeed able. She used her hands (with some step by step coaching from me) and was kind of dumbstruck by what happened. We cleaned up, kissed and laughed some more and fell asleep. After a few more painful attempts, we got that sucker in and have been banging like rabbits since.”

8.

“I’m from California and had an ‘arranged’ marriage to a German guy, when I was 18. I grew up in the Family Federation for World Peace aka the Unification Church aka the ‘Moonies’. Our parents set us up and we emailed for 4 months before we attended the Blessing Marriage Ceremony.

We met in person only a few weeks before we were married, and we both liked each other a lot! Definitely one of those cheesy love-at-first-sight kind of experiences! We had sex for the first time only a week or so after getting married. We had a mini honeymoon in Vienna, and were pretty much in bed the whole time. Overall, the entire experience was fantastic and amazing and magical.

Its been more than 5 years and I’m still head-over-heels in love with this guy!”

9.

“I had arranged marriage this past June. We talked over the phone 3 months beforehand as we were both in a different countries. I had read lot about sex for the first time which helped me prep up for the first night. This made it not awkward cause I knew how to make it comfortable for her. There was lot of foreplay so that made it less awkward. And she says that first night was the best sex she had of all times we had since then.”

10.

“Hi my first marriage was arrangedish my husband family made an arrangement with my father when I was 12 that I would marry their middle son who was two years older then me when I was 18 and had finished school. I knew him already his sister was my best friend and he was friends with my brothers. We never talked much till we made our engagment official and he had paid me my Mahr and in the about six months between our engagement and our wedding we hung out and went on “dates” talked on the phone got to know each other personally. I grew to like him a lot I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I loved him. I grew to love him eventually and he was a very nice caring sweet guy and treated me well. He supported me going to university. We had a good life together we loved traveling together we both loved photography. We had been talking about having kids when I was finished with university.We weren’t married very long only two years before he died in a car accident. I think we could hav made things work with more time.

As far as your question sex was fine we were both virgins when got married I tried doing what I saw in porn but it didn’t work out to well but like all things we got better with practice.

I am from Jordan (grew up mostly in South Korea and the US) Sunni Muslim at the time of this atheist now. I currently live in Korea with my new husband (not arranged I met him at a party) our two year old son and our dog.”

11.

“I had an arranged marriage. Just a lot of guys would send proposals via their relatives who also knew our relatives, etc, and my family would basically ask around, see how that guy was from people he wasn’t related to ( to get the whole picture) and it was UP TO ME to say yes or no. (side note: this is how it is supposed to be in Islam. It is a huge sin to marry your sister/daughter off without her uncoerced, willing consent. I wish people would follow the rules instead of the forcing and daughter- selling that basically happens. It is monstrous.)

Well I married him…and turns out, he was and is my dream guy. I am very attracted to tall, soft-spoken, dark guys WEARING GLASSES (mmmm) and he was all of that. He made me laugh, hugged me and kissed my forehead before anything else. We were both virgins, but sex wasn’t a problem. It is, after all, human instinct, and we communicate very well. Went slow at first, asking each other permission before touching anything. We experimented a lot the first few months, since we hadn’t tried anything to know what we wanted. Our sex life is great now.

In many ways, he is my soulmate. When I am hyper, he is my oasis of calm. When I am upset, he knows exactly how to cheer me up. Where I am lacking, he is proficient, and vice versa. I love him and the way he looks at me still makes me tear up with excessive mushiness. I am happy that we were each other’s firsts, because sex feels like our OWN special little thing, rather than a special little thing to share with someone you love. It’s silly, but it makes me happy.”

12.

“Like a fool I opted for an arranged marriage on the rebound. The girl I was originally seeing was batshit crazy. But something strange happens when you get rejected, more so than the hurt…You become incapable of making good decisions.

Anyhow, was introduced to a girl. She had different interests, a different outlook on life and didn’t take to kindly to my casual humor. So like an idiot I got engaged to her. Over the course of the engagement I was really busy with work so didn’t see her at all. Then came the marriage. It was surreal. There I was sitting on stage with a girl I hardly knew getting married! Most of the fuckers at the wedding were my parents friends etc, I hardly knew anyone there!

Fast forward to the honeymoon. We were like awkward strangers. We actually never had sex on our honeymoon. Was the sex awkward? Your damn right it was.

Fast forward 6 years later and we have a child. Did I make the right decision? If I wasn’t a father I’d leave tomorrow. I wouldn’t let my parents choose my socks, but I let them choose my ‘life partner’ (the loser that I am). So why am I sticking around? To cut a long story short, I want my child to do well in life, so am living an act.

Do I have regrets? Don’t we all?

Am I a good husband? I never argue, never complain and put on a smiling face.

Have I fucked my life up? Not totally, I earn quite a lot. And unlike the bullshit you hear in the movies, money gives you great options in life, and I try to enjoy as much of it as possible.”

13.

“I’ll give a little background to how the whole thing came about to put having sex with my first-cousin into context (SPOILER alert!)

My marriage was arranged-ish, in that it was not ‘love-based’ (initially).

So, I’m of Pakistani descent. I was born in the UK as was my Mum but my Dad is from Pakistan. He moved here when he married my Mum at 22 years old so generally speaking we – as a family – as quite British.

Recently I finished my degree and I had been working for a couple of years at which point my Mum and Dad asked me if I wanted to get married. In Pakistani culture it is not expect that your children go out and date or whatever, standard practice is usually for parents of the children to discuss marriage plans on behalf of the children and the level of involvement varies between cultures, ethnicity, religion etc.

Anyway, my Mum said she had thought about the possibility of me marrying my cousin (I’m the dude in this scenario btw) and asked me what I thought. I was initially pretty grossed out by it but she asked me to mull over the decision for a while. A couple of months later my Mum said that her my (my aunt) said that my cousin (now wife) is willing to chat to me about it if I am. Turns out she was actually playing me at this point because my wife hadn’t been told about this at all but my aunt was potentially onboard with the possibility so she did this to get me to make up my mind quickly.

Which I did and I agreed to meet at some point – after all she was hot yeah, I know that sounds gross to you! We met up and had the most awkward first date ever conceived in the history of mankind where basically we discussed virtually every aspect of normal dating into one 3 hour dinner where we basically discussed our likes.dislikes what we find attractive in the other person, personality traits etc. Like I said super awkward, at the end of the dinner we had literally agreed to marry each other which was the surrealist experience of my life. Afterwards I talked about it with my brother and sister (who had apparently known about this plan for me and her to marry before I did) and they been poking fun of me ever since!

One of the really weird things I found out about that dinner is that she is apparently super horny – which something pretty strange to find out about your cousin – and about 2 weeks after our ‘engagement’ we had been talking a bit and I sent her some semi-lewd innuendo texts which eventually blew into full blown sexting. Yes, 2 weeks after I agreed to marry my cousin we were sexting on a regular basis. Also about this point I found out that she knows nothing about sex, now we were both virgins but the fact that she had never had an orgasm and wanted to give BJ’s with condoms on sounds weird to me but hey!

A couple of weeks later I send her some none-explicit nude shots and we trade back and forth, a couple of weeks after that we make she comes over to my house and we make out under the guise of ‘going to the supermarket to get onions’. At this point I would like to state how surprisingly cool my parents were with all of this, going into this all I assumed (since we are all pretty religious) that we would be banned from seeing each other until the wedding or something but we were allowed to act pretty freely and it was implied that we knew we couldn’t have sex.

A little while later making out turns to groping/rubbing (over other/underwear) and a little while later we were sending each other full blown nude pics/videos. This would have been about 6 months after we were ‘engaged’. This continued on for another 6 months until we got married.

The actual wedding night the sex wasn’t awkward per se, the actual act was. Like physically doing it after talking about it for almost a year but in terms of breaking the ice or anything we didn’t have that problem because we were super horny for each other at this point.”

14.

“I am a victim of arrange marriage. I used to live in US and my parents are in India. My parents arranged the marriage, they saw the girl, liked her and family so fixed the marriage. They told me after they did everything. She was beautiful and educated so I didn’t mind. I did talked to her on the phone multiple times before we got married but it wasn’t the same.

Fast forward first night after we got married, every time I wanted to touch her she moved away. I thought she is just scared. She was 4 years younger then me. So I didn’t try much. Next day she said she is virgin and scared. So I thought to wait it out. I waited for whole month as she said she will get intimate once she came to US to live with me.

She did come here after few days but left without even meeting me. Apparently she has premarital affair. That was the reason she didn’t let me touch her that way. After she went back she went MIA for three months. After that she emailed me to get divorced and asked lot of money from me.

So to answer your question I don’t know if actual sex was awkward but my whole arranged marriage was.”

15.

“I’m of Punjabi and Indian origin and have recently got into an introduced marriage (we “dated” for a few months before giving a decision). We’re currently at the engaged phase. I agreed to have one purely out of respect for my parents, who have given everything for me and have never restricted me in the way I have seen other families do.

The missus in question is the daughter of a friend of a brother-in-law of an aunt. We come from the same community with respect that our great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfathers shared a similar career.

So far it has been awkward. While we were born and raised in Canada, I would consider myself quite Westernized when it comes to dating and relationships with the opposite sex while she isn’t. Pretty sure she’s a virgin while I’m most certainly not (I was a bit of a man-slut back in the day). The problem is I can’t approach the topic with her because she seems very immature to these sorts of things. Every time bring up kissing (which we have done) she goes into a fit of giggles, so there’s no chance of a frank discussion about sex.

She’s a lovely person. We don’t share the same interests or hobbies or even the sense of humour but I do believe that it’s good to have some sort of variety in a relationship.

I do consider myself very lucky to have met my other half, so if I had the chance to go back to my previous promiscuous existence or choose her, I would choose her every time. In fact, part of the reason I said yes was to ‘lock that down,’ so to speak.

So, given that the wedding is not till April 2016 and I’ve broken it off with the fuck-buddy I had in the interest of being faithful, I’m resigned to 2 years of being intimate with my right hand. I’ve had to come to the conclusion that, although it’s a huge part of an adult relationship, sex isn’t everything.”

16.

“Male Muslim here. Sorry for wall of text, married less than a week ago and want to share.

I guess it was technically "arranged" but not really. It was a rainy day when my family and I went to go meet my now waifu and family-in-law. It wasn't the bad kind of rainy though, the drizzle was light, the air was crisp and even though there were clouds everywhere it felt kind of bright. When we were welcomed in and settled there were a few silly little things I noticed that actually perked me up a little. A Nintendo DS on their TV stand, books like Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and Redwall in the shelves, a DuckTales dvd sitting on top of the player, the smell of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies wafting from the kitchen. Of course this didn't necessarily mean anything as the items could have belonged to anyone else in the home but they were all things that spoke to me and unfortunately they are things that many Muslims I met never seem to be into. If they weren't things that the girl I was about to meet was into then at least there was someone in this place that I had a connection with.

We were seated for what couldn't have been more than a minute or two before her mother got up to get some refreshments and I guess check on her. My mom got up to help but I'm pretty sure it was because there was a chance she could scope out my wife. In the middle of our idle chit-chat with her brother and father I overheard her being introduced to my mother in the kitchen, my heart rate immediately went up because I knew she was going to be out soon and then all eyes would be on us. My mom was the first one to appear with a tray of South Asian sweets, then her mom with some appetizers (Samosa's and spring rolls if you're wondering), and finally her with a plate of cookies. She was beautiful. I was surprised my jaw didn't hit the floor when she walked through the door, I had to practically peel my eyes away from her.

Obviously I wanted to show that I am a good Muslim and tried not to look at her for longer than would be appropriate but I found myself looking at her every chance I could because she's so beautiful. After being grilled a bit the conversation switches to her and I’m ecstatic because I get a break and I can stare at her. Then we start getting into hobbies, likes, dislikes, and personality traits. They ask what I like to do in my free time, my response is a little vague because "Lots of video games” isn’t something they likely wanted to hear but I do mention vidya games. Her mom groans that we would be a good match since she always has her face buried in her DS these days.

We dive more into our personal hobbies and I bet I'm growing a dumb smile on my face because it’s crazy how much we have in common. Her mom says something along the lines of how she still spends most of her time watching Disney and Nickelodeon, she gets a little annoyed and says that she doesn’t spend all her time watching those channels when I pipe in and mention that that’s all I ever really watch as well aside from something like The Walking Dead. She smiles and turns towards me with a cute little half-sheepish smile on her face and we make real eye contact for the first time…it felt like an eternity and a millisecond all it once. We break it off and I can feel the heat emanating from my face.

I'll fast forward since this is getting a little long. We get married. Our first moment of intimacy was probably after the wedding festivities had died down and we didn’t have to meet and greet a billion people. During our honeymoon we went to an outdoor ice skating rink, she had never been before but I had so I thought it might be fun for her to learn and me to teach. It’s not very hard and she got the hang of it pretty quickly and we had a good time just skating with her holding onto my arm and chatting away.

After a little bit we decide to sit on the benches at the side of the rink, I step away to get hot-chocolates for us to sip while we relax. One of her friends had tipped me off before-hand that she really likes Christmas-y peppermint drinks so I made sure to get that and asked the guy to add extra whipped cream for her. I watched intently as she took her first sip and a smile drew across her face, I told her that I had heard that she really likes peppermint. She said that she did, I laughed and asked her if she also really likes whipped cream because it was all over her lips and nose. She giggled and rubbed her nose, I laughed and went back to people watching when she leaned over and kissed me on my cheek. I know a kiss on a cheek isn’t much but I absolutely melted and was a little speechless while she just giggled at the whipped cream on my cheek and said that it should be gone now. Not one to miss a cliche opportunity, I let her know that she missed a spot and leaned in for our first kiss. It wasn’t awkward, it wasn’t strange, it was just an amazing moment. We might have had an arranged marriage but we also had the time to develop into a relationship.”TC mark

12 Simple (But Important) Things To Remember When Everything Feels Sh*tty

Posted: 06 Nov 2015 12:00 PM PST

Unsplash / Joshua Earle
Unsplash / Joshua Earle

1. You are 100% needed by someone in this world. And I don’t even mean that in some sort of romantic oooohhhh, my star-crossed lover is waiting for me way. But you matter to somebody. We’re often blind to the people who are right in front of us. Someone in your life already looks at you like you are everything. And you probably don’t even realize it. You’re wanted, appreciated, loved, etc. Even on those days you convince yourself nobody gives a shit. I promise, someone does.

2. Society wants you to believe you are in constant competition with everyone you see. It’s the toxic idea that your age is some indicator of where you should be, like you should be compared to your peers, people you knew years ago, randos you’ll never know, or celebrities you read about. While this mentality can push you to work harder, it can also feel incredibly limiting. At the end of the day, it’s all bullshit. There is no person you need to impress or outdo. There is no time limit on figuring out who you are and what you want.

3. Romantic love is not a one-time deal. Your heart doesn’t say, “Well, you had your one shot and you messed it up. Better luck next lifetime!” You can fall again.

4. Missing someone is not a failure. Missing someone means they meant something to you, and admitting that is beautiful.

5. You don’t need to be the best at what you do. You just have to care.

6. There is no greater accomplishment than reaching a place of self-love and understanding. Everything else kind of fades into the background.

7. If Donald Trump can legitimately run for President, YOU can do fucking anything. Seriously.

8. Emotions are temporary beasts. The good gives way to the bad, and vice versa. Your happiness is not permanent, but neither is your greatest sadness.

9. Acknowledging you need help is not a sign of weakness. It’s the show of ultimate strength and courage. We’re not meant to handle life all alone. That’s why we have people we love and trust. Don’t be afraid to reach out.

10. Success can be defined by so many different things. The way you evaluate your life might be vastly different to how the person next to you does. Take the time to figure out how you feel most successful, and let that be your guide. Don’t follow the path that works for someone else.

11. Someone who only shows interest in you part of the time is not worth your time. Remember, you should be a priority, not some after-thought.

12. Cacti are succulents that naturally grow in areas where the soil is super dry and rocky. Think barren desert. These lil’ guys receive little water, and yet, still thrive. Sure, us humans don’t always get what we think we need, but we learn how to adapt. We are resilient beings. Today, you might wonder how you’re going to make it to tomorrow. Try. You may be surprised with what you can power through. TC mark

14 People On The One Guilty Pleasure They’re Hiding From Their Partner

Posted: 06 Nov 2015 11:00 AM PST

Pressmaster
Pressmaster

1. “Justin Bieber. I make fun of her for listening to him all the time, but goddamn it if his recent stuff isn’t catchy.”

—Chad, 23

beetlejuice

2. “Taco Bell. My wife is super health conscious and makes sure that I’m watching my junk food intake (heart disease runs in my family). But I cannot resist. Pay in cash, and she’ll never know.”

—Greg, 35

beetlejuice

3. “Chick flicks. I complain every time she asks to watch one on Netflix, but usually I can get a blow job afterwards for being a good sport. She doesn’t need to know that I’ve actually really wanted to see that movie too.”

—Jared, 27

beetlejuice

4. “Ugh I read those steamy romance novels. They’re so cheesy and I can rarely get through one without laughing out loud or rolling my eyes, but dammit I can’t help myself. I read them on my Kindle, so whenever he sees me reading, he thinks I’m reading some classic novel, but really I’m reading about some sexy Scot taking a virgin on a bale of hay. It’s horrible/amazing.”

—Sophie, 28

beetlejuice

5. “I don’t keep that kind of thing from my boyfriend? Secrets are really toxic for a relationship, so I don’t keep any if I don’t have to.”

—Kendra, 25

beetlejuice

6. “Bubble bathssssssss! She thinks baths are gross, so I only take them when she’s at work or out of town. I don’t care if I’m sitting in my own filth, they’re f*cking relaxing.”

—Ron, 27

beetlejuice

7. “I watch Real Housewives of Atlanta whenever I’m alone at the apartment. We’re both film majors, so I know that he would be seriously turned off if he knew that I watched that instead of like, Citizen Kane for the thousandth time.”

—Pamela, 21

beetlejuice

8. “Her best friend. Oops.”

—Anonymous

beetlejuice

9. “Men with accents. One of my exes is British and I know that my boyfriend gets really insecure when I mention him, so if I mention that accents (and British one’s in particular) seriously turn me on, I know that it will start an argument. I’ll just listen to YouTube videos of Benedict Cumberbatch and Colin Firth when he’s not around.”

—Jamie, 30

beetlejuice

10. “Hentai. On one of our first dates, she mentioned how weird she thought it was, and I haven’t been able to bring up how much I love it. Will most likely never tell her.”

—Tyler, 29

beetlejuice

11. “I steal stuff from hotels all. the. time. My boyfriend’s dad is a cop, so he was raised to be really against everything like that, so I know that he would hate knowing this. I don’t steal from anywhere else, but there’s something about a hotel room that’s so… tempting.”

—Lanie, 24

beetlejuice

12. “Celebrity tabloids. We’re tight on cash, so if he knew that I burn the occasional dollar on those, he would flip. They’re just so addicting.”

—Ramanveer, 29

beetlejuice

13. “Hot Cheetos. He knows that I like them, but he has no idea how hooked I am. They’re my kryptonite.”

—Amy, 24

beetlejuice

14. “I don’t feel guilty about any of the things I love? I LIKE TLC SHOWS AND I’M NOT AFRAID TO SAY IT.”

—Faith, 25 TC mark

‘Help! I’m Turning Into My Mom!’ 10 Women Describe How It Feels

Posted: 06 Nov 2015 10:00 AM PST

mother-103311_1280

1. I’VE COMPLETELY TURNED INTO HER. IT’S SCARY.

"Oh my God. I’m totally turning into my mom! I was on Facebook a couple of days ago, and my friend put up an album and I ‘liked’ 30 pictures in a row and was commenting on all of them. It was so something my mom would do. I’m always getting 100 notifications from my mom, and I’m like, ‘You need to chill out.’ And now I’ve completely turned into her. It’s scary."

Lauren

beetlejuice

2. WE BOTH USE WEIRD VOICES WHEN TALKING TO KIDS AND DOGS

"I am completely turning into my mom. Me, trying to be stern, is her. Or when I make silly voices. My mom always uses weird voices if she’s talking to a kid or a dog. I’m the same person—completely my mother."

Eve

beetlejuice

3. BECAUSE I SAID SO

"At the very moment the phrase 'because I said so' crossed my lips, the deal was sealed—I'd crossed over to the mom side. I promised myself it would never happen, that I'd be a cool mom forever, but it happened just the same. Now that I'm officially in mom world, I realize how transformative motherhood is and I celebrate it every single day."

—Amanda

beetlejuice

4. MY KIDS ROLL THEIR EYES AT MY JOKES

"I utter cheesy (and sometimes inappropriate) phrases under my breath. When watching an episode of Law & Order: SVU, the opening credits indicated one of the actors was named B.D. Wong. Without even thinking, I yelled out 'He B.D. Wong guy for the job!' Is that joke hilarious? Of course it is, which is why I began cracking up immediately after I said it. But then I looked around the room and saw the expressions I knew so well: the eye rolls, the moaning in irritation. I know them because that’s my standard response to my mother’s jokes that aren’t really that punny. (Ha! Punny! I’m on a roll!)"

Lisa

beetlejuice

5. UNTOUCHED, UNCREASED, AND PERFECTLY CRISP

"We're both completely OCD about making purchases. Case in point: I went to four different drug stores to find the perfect birthday card for my mom. When I finally found a card I liked at the fourth store, I obsessively inspected every envelope to make sure the one I selected didn't have any fingerprints or creases. Where did I learn this? Mom, of course. As a child, I remember watching my mom carefully inspect book after book at Barnes and Noble before making a purchase to make sure we found one that was untouched, uncreased and perfectly crisp before bringing it home."

Jessica

beetlejuice

6. SOLIDS AND NEUTRALS AND PLEATED PANTS ALL DAY EVERY DAY

"It's official. At the tender age of 25, I've started to become my mother. All I'm interested in wearing are drawstring linen pants and basics (like my mom). I drool over Eileen Fisher and get way too excited about the items at Paper Source (like my mom). I've even started taking ice cubes in my wine (Duh, Mom). My most prominent symptom of this transformation is a distinct change in my personal style. A few years ago my closet was kooky-print mini dress central, and now it's solids and neutrals and pleated pants all day every day. Which basically means I've booked a one-way ticket on the Mom-express."

Arielle

beetlejuice

7. NOVELTY NAPKINS MAKE ME HAPPIER THAN THEY SHOULD

"Here’s a few things that have already started for me: My desire to decorate for holidays is quickly getting out of control….Give me ALL THE HOLIDAY DECORATIONS. There’s no such thing as too much. You hear that, Chris? I’m covering every wall/ceiling this year in lights, glitter and cereal chains….I get way too excited about going to TJ Maxx….I hate an unmade bed….Before I leave for vacation the house has to be clean….I say things like “why is every light in the house on right now?"…I drive with my knee more than I drive with my hands….Novelty napkins make me happier than they should….I like throw pillows. A lot….My nails always have to be painted. And if they’re not, I’m constantly talking about the fact that they’re not…I love sending and receiving holiday cards/photos. It’s my favorite time of year for mail. If you have my address, please send me one. It makes my day."

Tay

beetlejuice

8. I FIND CATHARSIS IN SCRUBBING THE BATHTUB TILES

"It didn't happen all at once for me, but the transformation has definitely been gaining momentum of late. It started with her colloquialisms, like the time ‘Bless her li’l heart’ slipped out. It's a hiccup that rises so unexpectedly: You raise your hand to your mouth, as if to keep it from escaping. We started showing up at parties wearing matching outfits. Granted, I had always wished to be the matching mother-daughter duo, but that was in first grade when it was cool. I've recently been known to do such shocking things as praise the local grocery store's meat counter in everyday conversation and find catharsis in scrubbing the bathtub tiles. I'm helpless to this, as so many of us are, yielding without a fight to the tide of their idiosyncratic habits or sayings, wearing their clothes and looking in mirrors and seeing their faces look back at us."

—Rebecca

beetlejuice

9. I SAY GOODNIGHT TO THE DOG IN GERMAN

"The other day I found myself laughing three or four sentences before finishing a joke. Even more terrifying, I find myself picking flowers and offering myself as a shoulder to cry on. The worst? I always say goodnight to the dog in German….As I struggle now to make some of the decisions that someone entering their twenties does, I can't help but admire my mother for her strength in dropping comfort and choosing to pursue her dreams. When I wake up too tired to straighten my hair, I think about how my mother even made time for the dog."

—Sonika

beetlejuice

10. WHITE WALLS ARE SO RESTFUL

"Come into my house and look around. What you’ll find are white walls. Every room in the house is white. In fact, my favorite decorating scheme is white on white with nautical blue for accent. Just like my mother did years ago, I find myself saying, ‘White walls are so restful.’ If you look in my closets, you’ll find they are packed with clothes. Now, I’m a clotheshorse, just like my mother was. The first time my daughter Andrea called me a clotheshorse, I said, ‘No way! The only kind of clothes I buy are kayaking and exercise clothes,’ I insisted. How then, did I get two walk-in closets jammed with all kinds of clothes? I blame it all on genes I got from my mother."

Pattie TC mark