Thought Catalog


Scientific Facts To Remember When You Feel Like Giving Up

Posted: 18 Dec 2015 08:00 PM PST

Guille Faingold

Remember that the acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades, including the kinds that come in the form of the words you swallow.

Remember that your left lung is smaller than your right lung, simply to make room for the heart you hold within your chest. At your most primal level your heart was favored, it took precedence. It will never be incapable of growing, it will never cease to hold the whole damn world within it, so do not try to stop it.

Remember that you use 200 million cells to take one step forward. Do not vilify yourself for the journey you have walked thus far, for it has taken effort and every single aspect of your body has conspired to help you get to where you are.

Remember that you shed your tired skin every twenty-seven days. You were not made to hold your past within you, you were not made to carry it all on your back. You physically let go of every bad thing that has ever touched you, of every pair of foreign hands that unbuttoned your shirt but never your demons; you let go of every regret, of every insecurity. You are always gifted a clean slate.

Remember that your tongue is the strongest muscle in your body. You were made to speak — so speak loudly, and honestly about how you feel. Speak about what hurts you, about what has broken you. Speak about your story, share it with the world.

Remember that the carbon in your body is the same carbon that courses through this Earth, that makes up mountains. Let this remind you that you can stand alone, you can stand tall, for just like Everest, just like Fuji, you are a force to be reckoned with.

Remember that the bones within your body are as strong as granite. You are never broken, you are never weak. When you feel like you couldn't possibly bear the weight of heartbreak, of growth, remember that your foundations are stronger than concrete. You were made to endure, you were made to withstand.

Repeat after me: you were made to survive. Every single part of you, every single perceived flaw and every single aspect of who you are, was made with the intention of defying the odds. You were bred from tough, celestial pieces of this world, and therefore it will never be able to defeat you. TC mark

Read more of Bianca Sparacino’s writing in her new book Seeds Planted in Concrete here.

Seeds_EOA_MarketingPlanting_Seeds_In_Concrete_hi-res

8 Things You Should Know About People Who Have Had Difficult Pasts, Yet Barely Ever Talk About Them

Posted: 18 Dec 2015 07:00 PM PST

Meg Pinsonneault
Meg Pinsonneault

1. They tend to be the strongest, kindest and most put-together people you know. In the words of Elizabeth Kubler Ross, beautiful people have an appreciation and understanding of life from having found their way out of defeat, suffering and struggle… "beautiful people do not just happen."

2. If they seem selfish, it's because they know they must give themselves the love they never received. There's a fine line between "self care" and "selfish," but the former is often confused for the latter as we are not taught that to live up to the ideal of "selflessness," you must, in fact, put your wellbeing first.

3. If they seem harsh, it's because they wish someone would have told them what they're telling you. They are the masters and commanders-in-chief of S.S. Tough Love, because they know how crucial and potentially life-changing it can be (and often is).  

4. They have learned to forgive people who aren't sorry. They have learned that even when issues in your life are not your fault – they are always your problem to deal with.

5. They have learned that sometimes, "refusing to give up" is not the noble thing people make it out to be. We're taught to "never give up, no matter what," and in that, we aren't taught how crucial it is to be able to do just that. To walk away from what isn't working, to stop trying to do what you're not meant to do.

6. They aren't positive because they're naive or in denial, they're positive because they know what matters. They value what they went through, and consider it to be an intimate part of their lives – it is not out of shame or embarrassment that they don't publicize it, but just that they don't feel the entire world needs to be made aware.

7. They know that treating everyone as though they've been through everything you have and then some is basically the only way to relate to the humanity in everyone. Because everybody has a story they don't tell, a chapter they don't re-open, a past they feel wholly responsible for not having dealt with just a little bit better.

8. They know that the real battle is with yourself. And they are to be feared more than anybody else, because they have fought and conquered it many times – and they know they can bear even the worst. TC mark

Want more articles like this? Check out Brianna Wiest’s book The Truth About Everything here.

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23 Weird But Endearing Sex Moments All Healthy Couples Eventually Experience

Posted: 18 Dec 2015 06:00 PM PST

Twenty20, jennifercv
Twenty20, jennifercv

1. When only one person is wasted and the other has to either deal with the sloppiness or suck it up and wait to get their needs met.

2. When you decide to get it on just because it's a special occasion like a birthday or an anniversary but you'd both secretly rather not, so the sex is less than meh.

3. When someone has cottonmouth and the other's desperate for oral.

4. When your absolute best effort to turn your partner on ends up making them laugh because they're ticklish or just not feeling it.

5. When you realize how awesome hate fucking is, which kind of makes you want to pick more fights.

6. When someone gets caught sneaking a peak at the clock mid sesh.

7. When a weird bodily noise like a queaf makes you both crack up.

8. When an attempt to fake it falls totally flat.

9. When one person wakes up super early feeling incredibly horny so they find a not-so-subtle way to wake up their partner, but they end up pissing them off instead of getting laid.

10. When you get a hot tip about how to make your boyfriend or girlfriend climax like crazy but your execution flops and you feel kind of weird for even trying.

11. When one person isn't at all in the mood but offers their body out of pity anyway.

12. When someone's sick or injured and they decide that sex will make them feel better but they regret initiating intimacy seconds later.

13. When you realize, mid sex, that you're fantasizing about someone other than your significant other—which means that your partner must fantasy cheat on you too sometimes.

14. When someone screams the wrong name by accident and then they have to do their best to convince their partner that they’re definitely not *the least bit* attracted to that other man or woman.

15. When someone yawns and then makes the lame claim that it’s due to lack of oxygen and not lack of interest.

16. When it hits you that you definitely have a sexual routine as a couple so you freak out that things are getting dull and decide to try a few new positions, but doing so proves super tedious and/or painful.

17. When you happen upon a new badass position inadvertently and pledge to experiment more often.

18. But then you struggle to replicate the experience and get upset that you can't relive the magic.

19. When you misjudge how close your partner is to orgasming so you rush to finish but end up climaxing way too early and get super bored waiting for them to catch up.

20. When one person makes an aggressive future sexual promise just so they can put off intercourse until the next day without getting too much heat about it.

21. When someone breaks out into song or says something in bed indicating that their mind is definitely elsewhere.

22. When one person's totally turned on by a scene in a movie or TV show that the other finds revolting or disturbing.

23. When foreplay forces you to acknowledge that pre-cum is definitely a real thing, which makes you rethink the pull-out method all over again. TC mark

21 Things You Need To Do If You Want A Better Love Life In 2016

Posted: 18 Dec 2015 05:00 PM PST

Twenty20, ajwhites
Twenty20, ajwhites

1. Stop comparing yourself to others.

Yes, your best friend just married and is already pregnant and living her happily ever after and you can't even seem to get a date. That’s ok! People find what they need at their own pace. Spend your days doing what keeps you happy and focus on that—not what you're missing or think you should have at a certain point in time. Your day will come and you want to be ready by focusing on yourself for now.

2. Take control of your own future.

Be the guiding force that searches for what you want out of life. Don't wait around for things to happen or for someone to bring you roses and play you love songs. These things tend to happen when you're off and involved in other things.

3. Be patient, less desperate, and exude confidence.

You're a unique star in the universe. Your Perfect Someone is out there looking for all of the things that you offer. Worrying about grabbing your musical chair partner before the music turns off will lead you down a road of disappointment and despair. Take your time to enjoy the people you love who are around now and fill your days with the things you love to do. Then when that special someone shows up, you'll be happier, wiser and a more adaptable person to get to know.

4. Get off the couch.

Venture out. Have an actual conversation with a real human being instead of relying on text and emails. Meeting someone through a dating app is far less satisfying than an exchanged look across a party and feeling that spark. Put yourself out there and be ready to take a chance.

5. Stop fixating on your “type.”

Who cares if he has a scruffy goatee? It's not going to bite you. What does it matter if she's not the usual tall brunette you fall for? Your happily ever after will not always arrive in the package you originally pictured. Step out of your comfort zone and see what you find.

6. Forget the excuses.

Take responsibility for your actions and own up to your mistakes. Apologize when you hurt someone and be willing to put in the groundwork to earn trust. A successful relationship takes two consenting people who can figure out how to be honest with each other, and can emerge from disagreements a stronger couple.

7. Don't ignore your friends just because you're in a relationship.

You'll find that maintaining and nurturing your friendships will help achieve a more balanced relationship with your new romantic prospect and give you a great sounding board for those early days when you're trying to figure out what's happening. It also shows your significant other that you value the friends in your life and that you do in fact have friends.

8. Take better care of your body.

Eat and drink with care. Exercise. Get plenty of sleep. Use protection when the time comes. Feeling great about your health will give you renewed energy and confidence when building a relationship.

9. Be open minded to new experiences.

Try new ways of meeting people and "outside the box" love interests. Agree to set-ups, join new clubs, and pursue new hobbies.

10. Put the time in to really get to know someone.

Don't bail at the first sign of weakness or what you deem incompatibility. The best relationships are not the ones where every single detail of yourself matches up with every single detail of your partner. Figure out what makes someone tick and figure out how to differentiate between quirks and deal breakers.

11. Show up.

There's nothing more aggravating than a flaky person. Be on time to dates. Even when you don't feel 100%. Even when you're tired. Even when you are ABSOLUTELY sure that you won't like the person you're about to meet. Have the decency to recognize that if someone is willing to put himself out there to meet you and take time out of his life to give you a chance, you should do the same.

12. Stop looking for the better deal.

If you meet someone and like him, sit tight with that for a little while. Online dating provided limitless options. Not every relationship starts with fireworks and butterflies. Have the diligence and foresight to investigate the situation before you throw it away for the unknown.

13. Don’t play games.

If you want to get in touch with someone that you just had a great night out with, contact him. Be authentic and fair. If you know that your heart isn't in a relationship, cut bait. Nobody wants to date someone who is clearly not interested in them for the long run. Don't sit in uncertainty waiting for a light bulb moment that will never come.

14. Don't stay in a relationship because it's comfortable.

Get a pet for comfort. Or a warm blanket and a Netflix subscription. Call your family and friends more and make plans if you want something reliable.

15. Take your walls down.

When you've been hurt before and you're out there dating again, it takes courage and a big leap of faith to invest in someone again. Go for it anyway. Be mindful of the signals that you're not fully investing in a new relationship (making excuses, coming with reasons the relationship won't work, etc.)

16. Stay out of the friend zone.

It's fun to chitchat and to keep things safe by giving yourself a 9PM bed time when you're on date #4 and throwing out the, "I have to get to work early," excuse, but you're in danger of being labeled a "friend" or "disinterested." If you don't put yourself out there soon enough, you'll be friend-zoned with little hope of achieving any non-platonic contact, especially once he starts confiding in you about all the other women he's dating.

17. Stay positive.

It's not too terrible to be young and healthy and single and independent and working on your life. Not everything sucks so don't be a Debbie Downer. Your attitude is infectious and it's far more enjoyable to be around a happy, positive thinker than someone who is quick to get down on everything.

18. Stop over-analyzing every piece of information.

Like whether you talked too much about your relationship or your family, when you'll here from him again and if the shirt you wore was unflattering.

19. Get comfortable in your own skin.

Do the things that make you feel the most like you and stand firm on the principles that make you who you are. Nobody wants to date a pushover. Don't let someone else make you believe that you're anything less than a brilliant, kind and warm-hearted genius. If he can't appreciate you now when things are relatively uncomplicated, it's not going to improve much with time.

20. Take time for yourself.

Nothing bad has ever come from taking time to think things through and having alone time is essential for figuring out what you want on your own. This will lead to more thoughtful, truer decisions with less chance of wavering down the road.

21. Go after someone who makes you want to be a better person.

Someone who challenges you, adores you and is kind to you and others around him. Fall in love with the person that he is, not who you want him to be. Stay true to what makes you happy without losing yourself and know that when you find lasting love, it feel like the simplest thing in the world. He'll be the force that you come to rely upon to help deal with the craziness around you. If the craziness is within your relationship, you're probably barking up the wrong tree. TC mark

Reassure Me About My Future & Chill?

Posted: 18 Dec 2015 04:00 PM PST

Flickr / SamLupa
Flickr / SamLupa

“When did this all get so real?” I asked a friend as I swished red wine around in my glass and sat in an uppity bar that had expensive art plastered on the walls instead of local band posters or days old spilled booze.

My friend laughed and took an extra large gulp of wine. See, he didn’t have an answer, and even after thinking about it, neither do I.

Life moves by so fast. It seems like I just moved my crap into my first college dorm, like I just sat in my first class, like I just got my first set of grades, like I just went to my first party. Like I just, like I just, like I just.

Back then (whenever that was exactly) I picked a major based on what I wanted to do, with little regard for how much money it would pay. I spurned tons of potential romantic partners because I could always “do better.” And while I always paid my bills, I spent a lot of money on clothes & shit and didn’t save as well as I could have.

And so I want to be reassured a little bit, and maybe you do too.

We made the right choices, or at the very least, we did the best we could with what we had. Life isn’t perfect, and neither is our decision-making, but we should trust ourselves. We were thrown into complicated situations filled with stress, drama, worry, anxiety, fear, and we came out alive. We did good.

We were right to follow our passions, our hearts, our guts. Maybe it was in choosing a major, maybe it was in a career change, maybe it was over-budget traveling, but we have all taken risks that didn’t always make logical sense. We have a need to satisfy something more profound, more essential, more ethereal than just our checkbook. We had to reach further, accomplish something that brought us happiness and fulfillment, and it will be worth it.

We did okay when it came to love and sex. Maybe we spent too much time with someone who wasn’t good for us, maybe we regret a one night stand, maybe we regret not taking more chances and not having more hookups. But we did okay.

And we’ve f*cked up sometimes. I’ve had more majors and minor combinations than boyfriends. I’ve ditched studying to reinforce my social life, and I’ve run away from romance because I am afraid. But even on the worst day it’s okay. I am okay. We are okay.

You are okay.

And when its not our worst day, we truly shine. We shine because we dare to live out-loud, we dare to live vibrantly, we dare to live.

And so we should reassure ourselves. Not that we are perfect, not that we don’t have room to grow, not that we don’t have apologies to give or mistakes to mend. We aren’t perfect. We do have room to grow. And if you are anything like me, we’ve hurt some people and owe some apologies. But we should reassure ourselves that we are valuable, that we are intelligent, and that our purposeful decisions have led us to a place where we can thrive.

We made it to this place. All of us, we made it here, to this exact place and time. And so now, altogether and just for a moment, we should reassure ourselves and chill. TC mark

10 Types Of People You’ll Meet At The Bar When You Go Home For The Holidays

Posted: 18 Dec 2015 03:00 PM PST

jessigreenny
jessigreenny

1. The Person You Hated In Middle School

Oh yeah, remember that person in 6th grade who made fun of you for having a wheeling backpack (YOU HAD BACK PROBLEMS, OKAY?!!)? Remember how you furiously scribbled in your diary and vowed to never speak to them again? Well, surprise, surprise. There they are. And they…are…waving to you? Faaaaack.

2. The Person You Desperately Wanted To Like You (But They Never Did)

The Arnold to your Helga Pataki; you never really had a shot. But that didn’t stop you from fantasizing about the day the two of you would eventually get married. You’ll have awkward small talk and wonder why you were ever so in love with them in the first place.

3. The Dude Who Is Way Too Old To Be There

He’s like next level Tyga, busy hitting on all the barely legal women within sight. Even though he’s definitely creepy, there’s something about him that just makes you really sad. Like, go home man. Do you…have a family?

4. Your Mom’s Single Friend

Weird and slightly uncomfortable for both of you. You’re just going to talk about family and pretend you didn’t see her downing jello shots two seconds ago. Oh, hey Mrs. Johnson. How’s your son? Mhm, I’ll definitely tell my mom you said hello!

5. F*ckboy Disguised As Intellectual Dude

He’s constantly bringing up The Catcher in the Rye and all the whisky distilleries he’s visited. Calm down, bro.

6. Hometown Hero

Everyone loved them. E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E. Even when you wanted to dislike them because they were so perfect and awesome, they would make a joke or ask you something super caring and you remembered, OH YEAH, this human is wonderful. And there’s a reason the whole town adores them.

7. The Former Jock With A Newfound Beer Gut

He was the Big Man on campus back in the day, but that was…a long time ago. His glory days are far behind him, but he doesn’t seem to be aware. He’s far too old to be yelling, “CHUG!” But there he is, shouting. Cheers, man.

8. The Swan

At first glance you almost don’t recognize him/her. Always overlooked growing up, The Swan sort of just floated along. Late bloomer, wallflower, take your pick for slightly insulting nickname, The Swan is the one you sort of forgot existed. But oh my god, now you see them and rethink your entire youth because they are GLORIOUS. Here’s hoping you weren’t an asshole to them, because if you were? Now they get the last laugh in turning you down.

9. The Lonely Drunk

This one is just painful to encounter. They came alone. They will leave alone. And they are shit-faced the entire time. Tis the season?

10. Looking For A Plus-One

The holidays can be rough. Family! Expectations! Questions about why you haven’t settled down yet! Falalalalalaaaaaaaa. And someone at the bar has had enough of it. They refuse to show up to Aunt Sally’s solo again, and they are ready to fall in love. Even if only until the new year. TC mark

What Your Girlfriend Actually Wants For Christmas

Posted: 18 Dec 2015 02:00 PM PST

Stocksy_txp897615aefAk000_Medium_473189

No matter what it is, she wants to know that it was planned further back than the day before Christmas. We can sense when it was bought in haste on the last possible day at a department store, when it's just something you barely took the time to scratch the price off of, and no one wants that. She wants to see that effort and thought were put into it – maybe it has a few different elements, maybe it's really specific to something she wanted, maybe it took a long time to put together. Whatever it is, it should be something that wasn't plucked off a random shelf on Christmas Eve because it looked like "something a girl would want."

Maybe you don't know what to get her, and that's fine, too. But if your goal is to go on a day of shopping so you can't go wrong, slapping a gift card into an envelope with a note saying "luv u" might as well be nothing at all. Get her a bottle of her favorite wine, some good chocolate, and make a handwritten card with a note about how she gets a day of shopping at [insert her favorite store here]. Getting to spend the time with you, and seeing that you put effort into even the act of not getting anything yourself, will make it feel special.

If you do decide to get her something to wear, make it something you actually want to give her. Receiving a dress – no matter how nice it is – is nowhere near as good as the sound of your voice, in look in your eyes, when you say "I can't wait to see you in this," or "I thought this would look beautiful on you." We want to look the way you see us, beautiful and fresh and never overdone. We feel sexiest when you think we are sexy, so giving her something that is truly beautiful to you, and which you truly believe will make her look wonderful. Tell her how lovely she is, and how much lovelier she will be in that dress.

She wants to be surprised – whether that surprise is a trip Rome, or just an extra present behind the tree. She wants to feel that stomach-drop element of "what does he have up his sleeve?" because nothing is better than when you take the lead and show her that you've been planning for a while. She has to take care of so much when it comes to Christmas, from presents to food to organizing all of the travel. Show her that you wanted to go that extra mile, and surprise her with something she absolutely wasn't expecting.

No matter what it is, she wants to feel that it came from your heart, and not from a checkout line somewhere. She wants to be the person you think of first, and see the excitement in your eyes when you give your gift – to know that her being happy is what will make you happy. Because she feels the same for you. TC mark

How Each Cognitive Function Manifests Based On Its Position In Your Stacking

Posted: 18 Dec 2015 01:00 PM PST

Attempting to determine which cognitive functions you use within the MBTI system can be a tricky process. We are usually highly aware of our dominant and auxiliary function, but struggle to identify our tertiary and inferior functions – and there are two simple reasons for this.

The first reason is that our tertiary function doesn’t begin developing in a recognizable way until we are well into our twenties. Our inferior, on the other hand, takes until approximately middle age to develop fully. Attempting to identify one’s tertiary or inferior function before at the age of at least thirty is likely to result in a great deal of confusion and misidentification.

The second – and perhaps most prominent reason – is that the expression of our tertiary and inferior functions are warped by the expression of our dominant and auxiliary functions. Extroverted feeling looks very different in an ISTP than it does in an ENFJ. In fact, we often spend the first few decades of our lives rebelling against our inferior function – causing us to believe that we don’t possess it at all.

Below, we’ll take a look at what each cognitive function looks like in each possible position in one’s stacking. If you already know your four-letter MBTI type and want to learn which functions you possess (and where they appear in your stacking), click here.

Extroverted Intuition (Ne)

goir / istockphoto.com
goir / istockphoto.com

Dominant Extroverted Intuition:

As a dominant function, Ne manifests as a seemingly never-ending plethora of theories, possibilities and inventive ideas that the user is constantly picking up on.

The dominant-Ne monologue: "I am swimming in an endless sea of possibilities about what to do/experience/think about next and I want to try them all."

Auxiliary Extroverted Intuition:

Auxiliary Ne manifests as a plethora of possibilities that arise to support or expand upon a thought or decision that the user has come to.

The auxiliary-Ne monologue: “I see a million different ways to look at the concept I've been analyzing and I want to consider them all."

Tertiary Extroverted Intuition:

Tertiary Ne manifests as a series of creative solutions that may go into solving a given problem or moving them towards a goal.

The tertiary-Ne monologue: “I will consider which possibilities will best help me accomplish the goal I have set.”

Inferior Extroverted Intuition:

Inferior Ne originally manifests as a reluctance to try new ways of doing things, occasionally giving way to anxiety over the unknown.

As Ne matures, its user will become more comfortable dwelling in uncertainties and entertaining new possibilities.

The inferior-Ne monologue (prior to maturation): “It is best to stick to the most reliable methods of getting things done. There is no sense getting lost in a sea of unpredictable possibilities.”

Introverted Intuition (Ni)

leolintang / istockphoto.com
leolintang / istockphoto.com

Dominant Introverted Intuition:

As a dominant function, Ni manifests as a keen perception for the meaningful connections that exist between the thoughts, concepts, events and occurrences in the Ni-user’s environment.

The dominant-Ni monologue:“Everything is interconnected and I must determine the meaning and implication behind those connections.”

Auxiliary Introverted Intuition

As an auxiliary function, Ni manifests as an understanding of how one ought to go about accomplishing his or her goals, based on a keen intuitive perception of how various courses of action are likely to unfold.

The auxiliary-Ni monologue: “How can I use my intuitive knowledge about how things are connected in order to achieve what I want?"

Tertiary Introverted Intuition

As a tertiary function, Ni manifests as the desire to optimize or perfect upon one's pre-existing talents or skills.

The tertiary-Ni monologue: “How can I improve upon – or even perfect – the approach that I regularly take toward my main passion or interest?”

Inferior Introverted Intuition

As an inferior function, Ni originally manifests as a scorn or distaste for over-analyzing what is obvious or over-planning for the future.

As inferior introverted intuition matures, the user may find themselves developing a keen 'hunch' for the way things are bound to unfold in the future and will enjoy entertaining these ideas.

The inferior-Ni monologue (prior to maturation):“Everyone needs to stop over-analyzing everything, the answers are literally right in front of us.”

Extroverted Sensing (Se)

Gregory_DUBUS / istockphoto.com
Gregory_DUBUS / istockphoto.com

Dominant Extroverted Sensing

As a dominant function, Se manifests as the desire to engage fully with the sensory aspects of one’s environment, without any restraint or pause for analysis.

The dominant-Se monologue: “I want to sample all of the experiences that are immediately available to me and see where those experiences lead me!"

Auxiliary Extroverted Sensing

As an auxiliary function, Se manifests as the desire to experience and experiment with the sensory aspects that the user has determined to be the most enjoyable or useful.

The auxiliary-Se monologue: "I want to go live out the experiences that I have determined to be the best or most enjoyable and see what happens as a result.”

Tertiary Extroverted Sensing:

As a tertiary function, extroverted sensing manifests as the user’s ability to pick up cues from their external environment and react to them with a sense of natural confidence.

The tertiary-Se monologue: “I prefer to plan ahead, but when necessary, I can think surprisingly well on my feet, as I feel in tune with what is going on around me.”

Inferior Extroverted Sensing:

As an inferior function, Se originally manifests as a distrust of the physical world that surrounds its user, or the pervasive belief that one’s intellect can and must be trusted above the sensory information that is available.

As Se matures, the user may find themselves feeling steadily more in tune with the sensory world that surrounds them, and more able to trust it as a pervasive force.

The inferior-Se monologue (prior to maturation): “I must analyze all possible outcomes of a sensory experience, as the physical world is subject to change unexpectedly, at any time.”

Introverted Sensing (Si)

tiero / istockphoto.com
tiero / istockphoto.com

Dominant Introverted Sensing:

As a dominant function, Si manifests as a powerful memory for what has worked well in the past, and the desire to structure one’s life around the traditions and positive outcomes of past experiences.

The dominant-Si monologue:“I prefer to plan the majority of my life around the traditional or tried-and-true methods of doing things, as they have proven to be the most reliable.”

Auxiliary Introverted Sensing:

As an auxiliary function, Si manifests as the preference to rely on the tried-and-true method when working to accomplish a particular goal.

The auxiliary-Si monologue:“In order to achieve what I want, I will employ the most reliable and socially acceptable method of accomplishing it.”

Tertiary Introverted Sensing

As a tertiary function, introverted sensing manifests as a proneness to nostalgia, as well as a method of contrasting the new and exciting with the old and the known.

The tertiary-Si monologue:“I will examine how my new experience or theory sizes up against my past experiences or way of understanding the world.”

Inferior Introverted Sensing

As an inferior function, introverted sensing originally manifests as a resistance to tradition or conformity of any sort.

As Si matures, the user will find themselves steadily more able to determine when traditional methods are useful in accomplishing their goals and when they are not, and will begin to feel comfortable integrating tried-and-true methods into their experiences as they see fit.

The inferior-Si monologue (prior to maturation): “Out with the old, in with the new! F*ck the system! The man can't keep me down!”

Extroverted Thinking (Te)

mattjeacock / istockphoto.com
mattjeacock / istockphoto.com

Dominant Extroverted Thinking:

As a dominant function, Te manifests as the ability to clearly envision the most effective outcome to any given situation or problem and the ability to set the corresponding plans into action.

The dominant-Te monologue: “I will achieve my goal by any means necessary.”

Auxiliary Extroverted Thinking:

As an auxiliary function, Te manifests as the ability to take concrete, efficient action on the user’s analysis of what the best thing to do would be.

The auxiliary-Te monologue: “Now that I have determined the best or most reliable course of action, I will set it into motion using the most straightforward method available to me.”

Tertiary Extroverted Thinking:

As a tertiary function, Te manifests as the ability to source whichever resources are necessary to make the user’s desire a reality.

The tertiary-Te monologue: “I will employ the most straightforward method that exists in order to make my goal, dream or impulse come true.”

Inferior Extroverted Thinking:

As an inferior function, Te originally manifests as the inability to set one’s external desires or plans into motion.

As Te matures, the user finds themselves steadily more able to source the resources they require to make their dreams a reality. They also find themselves developing the ability to express their thoughts to others in a straightforward, logical manner.

The inferior-Te monologue (prior to maturation): “I have many goals I want to accomplish but often have trouble tangibly setting them into motion. I fear being perceived as incompetent by others.”

Introverted Thinking (Ti)

stockchairatgfx / istockphoto.com
stockchairatgfx / istockphoto.com

Dominant Introverted Thinking

As a dominant function, Ti manifests as the constant identification of logical patterns that exist in ones external environment as well as a keen perception for any deviations from those patterns.

The dominant-Ti monologue: “I must figure out exactly how everything logistically works in relation to everything else.”

Auxiliary Introverted Thinking:

As an auxiliary function, Ti manifests as the identification of how the logical systems in the user’s external environment could be manipulated to work to their advantage.

The auxiliary-Ti monologue: “How can I manipulate the way that this object or situation works so that it instead works the way I’d like it to?”

Tertiary Introverted Thinking:

As an auxiliary function, Ti manifests as the organization of the user’s pre-existing knowledge in a logical, systematic format.

The tertiary-Ti monologue: Where does this new hunch or piece of information I’ve acquired fit in relation to what I already know to be true?

Inferior Introverted Thinking:

As an inferior function, introverted thinking originally manifests as an excessively critical view of others, as it searches for objective (and often harsh) truths about other people.

As Ti matures, the user will find themselves using the objective truths they pick up on about others to nurture and guide others in a positive fashion, rather than manipulating them for their own gain.

The inferior-Ti monologue (prior to maturation): “Can I use these objective observations about others to my advantage?”

Extroverted Feeling (Fe)

PeopleImages / istockphoto.com
PeopleImages / istockphoto.com

Dominant Extroverted Feeling:

As a dominant function, Fe seeks to identify what is moral by identifying what those around them value, and then to enforce those values as a measure of keeping the peace in their external environment.

The dominant-Fe monologue: “I will make those around me feel comfortable and happy in a cohesive manner, by identifying what we are all mutually striving for.”

Auxiliary Extroverted Feeling:

As an auxiliary function, Fe manifests as the urge to apply one’s understanding of a given situation in a way that will satisfy the needs and desires of others.

The auxiliary-Fe monologue: “I will analyze the information that is available to me and then see how I can use it to achieve interpersonal peace.”

Tertiary Extroverted Feeling:

As a tertiary function, Fe manifests as the ability to pick up on the motivations and emotions of those around the user. The immature Fe user may then take advantage of those feelings by manipulating them in a way that supports his or her own ends. The mature tertiary Fe user will search for a means of incorporating the needs of others into their personal plans and actions.

The tertiary-Fe monologue (prior to maturation): “I will assess the feelings of those around me to determine whether or not I can get what I want from them.”

Inferior Extroverted Feeling:

As an inferior function, Fe originally manifests as the user being reluctant to dabble with or express emotional concerns, as the user cannot logically make sense of many of his or her own emotions and therefore doesn’t feel confident in moderating them.

As Fe matures, its user will feel increasingly comfortable making and keeping emotional commitments to others, as they grow more confident in what is expected of them.

The inferior-Fe monologue (prior to maturation): “Feelings make me freeze with anxiety because I don't know how to moderate them. I am terrified of accidentally offending someone.”

Introverted Feeling (Fi)

Meriel Jane Waissman / istockphoto.com
Meriel Jane Waissman / istockphoto.com

Dominant Introverted Feeling:

As a dominant function, Fi manifests as a moral compass that points its user toward the direction they ought to explore next, based on how they feel about the information at hand.

The dominant-Fi monologue:“I must decide how I feel and where I stand on these issues before coming to a conclusion about what to do.”

Auxiliary Introverted Feeling:

As an auxiliary function, Fi manifests as a method of reflecting on and assessing how the user feels about his or her past actions.

The auxiliary-Fi monologue: “I need to isolate myself to process how I feel about the activities I’ve been engaging in lately and decide whether or not to keep doing them.”

Tertiary Introverted Feeling:

As a tertiary function, Fi manifests as strong, unwavering set of morals and values which the user draws upon to dictate many of their major decisions.

The tertiary Fi monologue: “I must adhere to my values and morals at all costs – even if doing so is unpleasant.”

Inferior Introverted Feeling:

As an inferior function, Fi manifests as a general disdain for emotional expression and a fear of being perceived as ‘weak’ by others.

As Fi matures, its user will begin to identify the role their own personal morals play in their lives, and allow those morals to take on a greater role in their decision-making process.

The inferior-Fi monologue (prior to maturation): “Feelings are for the weak. I have no time to attend to such trivial matters in either myself or others.”

The Cognitive Stacking Of Each Type:

ENFP:
Dominant Extroverted IntuitionAuxiliary Introverted FeelingTertiary Extroverted ThinkingInferior Introverted Sensing

INFP:
Dominant Introverted FeelingAuxiliary Extroverted IntuitionTertiary Introverted SensingInferior Extroverted Thinking

ENFJ:
Dominant Extroverted FeelingAuxiliary Introverted IntuitionTertiary Extroverted SensingInferior Introverted Thinking

INFJ:
Dominant Introverted IntuitionAuxiliary Extroverted FeelingTertiary Introverted ThinkingInferior Extroverted Sensing

ISTJ:
Dominant Introverted SensingAuxiliary Extroverted ThinkingTertiary Introverted FeelingInferior Extroverted Intuition

ESTJ:
Dominant Extroverted ThinkingAuxiliary Introverted SensingTertiary Extroverted IntuitionInferior Introverted Feeling

ISFJ:
Dominant Introverted SensingAuxiliary Extroverted FeelingTertiary Introverted ThinkingInferior Extroverted Intuition

ESFJ:
Dominant Extroverted FeelingAuxiliary Introverted SensingTertiary Extroverted IntuitionInferior Introverted Thinking

ESTP:
Dominant Extroverted SensingAuxiliary Introverted ThinkingTertiary Extroverted FeelingInferior Introverted Intuition

ISTP:
Dominant Introverted ThinkingAuxiliary Extroverted SensingTertiary Introverted IntuitionInferior Extroverted Feeling

ESFP:
Dominant Extroverted SensingAuxiliary Introverted FeelingTertiary Extroverted ThinkingInferior Introverted Intuition

ISFP:
Dominant Introverted FeelingAuxiliary Extroverted SensingTertiary Introverted IntuitionInferior Extroverted Thinking

INTJ:
Dominant Introverted IntuitionAuxiliary Extroverted ThinkingTertiary Introverted FeelingInferior Extroverted Sensing

ENTJ:
Dominant Extroverted ThinkingAuxiliary Introverted IntuitionTertiary Extroverted SensingInferior Introverted Feeling

ENTP:
Dominant Extroverted IntuitionAuxiliary Introverted ThinkingTertiary Extroverted FeelingInferior Introverted Sensing

INTP:
Dominant Introverted ThinkingAuxiliary Extroverted IntuitionTertiary Introverted SensingInferior Extroverted Feeling TC mark

Heidi Priebe explains how to manage the ups, downs and inside-outs of everyday life as an ENFP in her book available here.

The_Comprehensive_ENFP_Survival_Guide_font_1600x2400

Why You Should Be Talking About Work All Holiday Season

Posted: 18 Dec 2015 12:19 PM PST

Jovana Rikalo
Jovana Rikalo

One thing is for certain: at this moment, somewhere in the world, a group of people are getting together. Maybe it's for the holidays or a date or just drinks with friends after a long day. They are chatting and talking and then, right as their conversation gets going, we can safely predict that the absolute worst person in that group will say the following: "Ugh, guys, can we please not talk about work?"

They'll say that because they aren't good at what they do for a living or because they don't know how to deal with stress or difficulty without resorting to pointless complaining. Or perhaps they just have some silly notion about what's proper and appropriate.

But the result of their problem is a new problem: Talking about work becomes taboo. Even though it's pretty much the best thing to talk about.

“It’s absurd and unfair,” says Jack London's title character in Martin Eden, “this objection to talking shop. For what reason under the sun do men and women come together if not for the exchange of the best that is in them? And the best that is in them is what they are interested in, the thing by which they make their living, the thing they’ve specialized on and sat up days and nights over, and even dreamed about."

One of my least favorite things ever is when someone gets a bunch of smart people together…in a noisy bar where no one can hear anything. Or has a party with interesting, awesome guests….and then hires some crappy band to play and makes conversation impossible. But the worst is when a group of adults, comes together and some controlling moron decides that the best thing to do is to treat them like children—forcing them to play silly games and icebreakers.

What a waste.

Let me tell you about my dream outing: Smart people get together in a quiet restaurant and talk for several hours about things that interest them. They talk about work, what they're good at, what they've been reading about or thinking recently and all of them leave provoked, inspired and with some new ideas and perspectives.

Unfortunately, most get togethers aren't like this. Usually because some idiot is afraid of what might happen in an authentic, unprompted exchange. It's similar to something I've noticed when I speak at conferences. A lot of speakers avoid doing a Q&A after their talk. They only want to give their prepared remarks. I suspect it's because deep down they don't trust themselves or don't actually know much about what they're supposed to be experts about. I suspect they dislike talking shop because they can't keep up. They're worried about being challenged—and embarrassed.

I don't know about you but I picked my 'shop' because it is endlessly fascinating to me. I chose what to do for a living because I can't help but want to talk about it. Why would I not be able to answer questions about it? Why is it so strange to want to hear and connect with other people who feel the same way—in private or in public? Why is it somehow OK to talk about politics or trivialities or the goddamn weather but not the thing we picked to do with our lives, the thing that supports our families, that gets us out of bed in the morning?

Nassim Taleb likes to say that the best way to make discoveries or breakthroughs is to go to cocktail parties, that "You can't even start to know what you may find on the envelope of serendipity." Each one of my books was a result of dinner conversations—conversations I couldn't not have. Coming home after having not been able to express my thoughts as well as I would have hoped is what drove me to sit down and write. Some of my best articles come from chats with friends. In fact, this article came about because of the Martin Eden quote which I was exposed to when hanging out with another author…talking about about books and publishing.

In other words, talking shop.

Sure, there are other things that fascinate me. I love talking about those too. And sure, far too many conversations about work devolve into complaining, gossip or bitching.

But I would argue that if you don't want to talk about work, it probably says something about what you choose to spend 8-10 hours a day…and not something very good. And certainly not something that avoidance is going to do much to fix.

You're good at what you do—it's why you went to school for it, dedicated your life to it, made a fortune in it, whatever. I want to hear about it. I'm good at what I do. I'd love to talk about it.

Let's exchange—as Jack London put it—the best that is within us. Let's not let controlling, obnoxious, or petty people determine what is "proper" for us to talk about. Let's not waste our time with silly pleasantries and superficialities. Who has the time? Who has the energy?

I don't.

Oh and if you don't like talking about work—it might be worth considering another line of it. TC mark

10 Things You Need To Know About The Girl Who Loves Her Mom Before You Date Her

Posted: 18 Dec 2015 12:00 PM PST

Twenty20 / leah.turney
Twenty20 / leah.turney

Everything that I am today I owe to my mom. So if you’re dating me, damn right you’re going to hear about her. A lot. If you’re lucky, I’ll even let you meet her.

Dating a girl who’s close with her mom means that there will be times when your relationship will have to take a brief back seat. Like when she needs to skip out on spending Sunday with you to go surprise her mom for her birthday, or when you two are on the phone and her mom is on the other line.

But if you’re in the market for a good woman, there’s no better catch than a girl who’s close with her mom. Because her mom raised her to be the best woman that she could possibly be.

Here are a few things you should know before dating a mama’s girl.

1. She values her mom’s opinion.

It’s not that she doesn’t trust your judgment on the sweater she’s picking out for her brother or which car insurance company has the best rates. It’s just that she wants to know her mom’s thoughts before pulling the trigger. Not to mention, her mom has more life experience going for her than you do.

2. She talks to her mom a lot.

Especially since her mom learned how to text and Facebook and even Facetime. Yes, she does need to text her mom back right now, because her mom worries if she doesn’t hear back right away. The same goes for when she sends a text to her mom and doesn’t get a timely response. They’re always in touch.

3. Your relationship with your mom is also important to her.

Showing love and respect for your mother are values that are essential to her. So even if you’re not a mama’s boy, make sure you act right toward the woman who created you.

4. She’s going to call her mom when she’s sick.

Regardless of how old she is, her first call when she gets the sniffles is going to be her mom, not her doctor. If her mom lives close by, she might even show up with some homemade soup for her baby. Hope you don’t mind company.

5. You better treat her mom real nice.

The fastest way to lose a girl who’s close with her mom is to not make an effort to get to know her mother. If you treat her mom like any less than the queen she is, your relationship will be short lived.

6. She’s just like her mom.

But if you ever use that as ammo during a fight, you’ll be sleeping on the couch.

7. When something good happens, she needs to tell her mom.

If she nails a presentation at work or lands a new job, she’ll want to tell her mom about it immediately. Which means you’ll need to postpone your celebration until after she’s done calling her.

8. She’ll also need to tell her mom about the bad stuff right away.

When bad things happen, she’ll want you to be there for her, too. But her mom has lots of experience at overcoming hardships, so she’ll need her mom to help her get through it.

9. She wants to meet your mom.

Because she knows your mom is going to love her. She’s really good with moms, obv.

10. She’s going to take good care of you.

Growing up, her mom taught her how to take care of someone you love. If you fall in love with a girl who’s close with her mom, you can bet that she’ll take care. She’ll know just what to do for you when you’re sick, and how to cheer you up when you’ve had a bad day.

When you fall in love with a mama’s girl, you’ll always know that she loves you, too. TC mark

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