Thought Catalog


Just Say ‘No’ When Your Girlfriend Asks Any Of These 50 Questions

Posted: 22 Jan 2016 08:00 PM PST

Twenty20, raex
Twenty20, raex

1. Do you think it’s even possible for us to fall out of love?

2. Have you ever been tempted to cheat on me?

3. Was the sex this awesome for you with anyone else?

4. Do you imagine any of your exes when you jerk off sometimes?

5. Do you think long-term monogamy would be hard for us?

6. Is [insert anyone] hotter than I am?

7. If I gave you the okay to sleep with someone else, would you be psyched? You can tell me…

8. Have you ever cheated on someone you’ve seriously dated?

9. Was your ex better than I am at anything sexually?

10. Have you ever thought about leaving me? Like, even for a second?

11. Are you thinking about banging that girl we just walked by?

12. Do you mentally undress random beautiful women you pass on the street sometimes?

13. Do you and your friends talk about fucking women like it’s some kind of accomplishment?

14. Do you guys like sit around rating women's fuckability?

15. Have you ever loved anyone as much as you love me?

16. Would you ever go to one of those happy ending massage parlor places?

17. Are you a strip club kind of guy?

18. Would you ever sleep with a prostitute?

19. Do you think it's okay to ghost on people?

20. Do you hate it when I say "make love" instead of "fuck" or "hook up"?

21. When your friends ask about me, do you tell them about that [insert supremely embarrassing private moment]?

22. Do you ever still think about that girl you lost your virginity to?

23. If you had the chance to hook up with your celebrity crush, would you take it?

24. Do you fantasize about other women?

25. Are you going to trade me for a "newer model" one day?

26. Do you ever just want to watch porn instead of having sex with me?

27. Can we talk about WHY you dated [insert ex]?

28. Do you hate holding hands?

29. Are you embarrassed when we're schmoopy in public?

30. Do you hate hanging out with my friends?

31. Do you think I'm going to turn out just like my mom?

32. Have you ever thought about what it would be like to fuck my sister? Or my mom?

33. Is masturbating kind of more satisfying than having sex with me sometimes?

34. Do you ever not feel like having sex just because you're not in the mood to do it with me specifically?

35. Have you ever looked at me and wished that I was just a little bit hotter?

36. Have you ever looked at me and pretended that I was a different person altogether?

37. Do you think about other women while we’re doing it?

38. Do you kind of resent me for making you spoon right after sex?

39. Have I gained any weight since the day we met?

40. Do you ever wish you could just be single again?

41. If we broke up, would you start dating again right away?

42. Would you hit Tinder as soon as we were over?

43. If a hot girl shoved you in a corner, pulled your pants down, and starting giving you head, would you let her keep going?

44. Do you hit on other girls just for fun when you’re out without me?

45. Would you ever have an emotional affair?

46. Do you get the appeal of that guy Dan Bilzerian?

47. Do you sometimes wish that I gave you more blowjobs?

48. Does anyone have it as great as we do?

49. Will you ever get tired of us…and this?

50. Do my questions kind of annoy you? TC mark

14 Depraved And Disturbing Cases Of Human Cannibalism (NSFL, You Have Been Warned)

Posted: 22 Jan 2016 07:00 PM PST

via Flickr - Joe deSousa
via Flickr – Joe deSousa

There are three main types of cannibalism. One is the “I’m starving to death and need to eat another human’s dead body in order to survive” type and the another is the “I’m a deranged psychotic with a taste for human flesh” type. Of course there’s also ritualistic cannibalism which functions in a kind of religious way as well. Below we explore all three of these and why not, human history is absolutely full of instances of cannibalism. I’ll also try to avoid the instances everyone knows about such as Jeffrey Dahmer and other infamous cannibalizing serial killers.

1. Cartel Cannibalism

via Wiki Commons
via Wiki Commons

Long known for being a bastion of cruel and inhuman insanity, two Mexican drug cartels took their need to be macho even further by requiring new initiates to eat human hearts in order to prove their loyalty. The strategy on the part of La Familia Michoacana and the Knights Templar cartels is designed to weed out those disloyal to the groups.

No word on where the cartels are getting the hearts but I’m betting it’s a “blood of your enemies” type thing.

2. A Grisly Seduction

_78877898_matthewwilliams
Matthew Williams Screenshot via BBC

In a truly disturbing case last year in Wales, Matthew Williams met 22-year-old Cerys Yemm in a bar and then asked her back to his hotel room. She agreed but once there Williams attacked and killed her and then ate portions of her face and one of her eyes. Police who were called to the scene tried to detain Williams but ended up having to use force including a taser. Williams died not long after being taken into custody.

Social Media photo via Telegraph
Cerys Yemm, Social Media photo via Telegraph

Williams had been released from prison for violently attacking his ex-girlfriend only a month prior to committing the horrific attack against Yemm.

3. Indiana Man Kills And Eats His Girlfriend

via Clark County Jail
Joseph Oberhansley via Clark County Jail

Thirty three year old Indiana man, Joseph Oberhansley is a special kind of monster. In 1998, when he was 17-years-old he was convicted of manslaughter and attempted murder in the killing of his girlfriend at the time and the shooting of his mother. For those deeds he served fourteen years before being released back into society.

In 2014, after his live in girlfriend Tammy Blanton changed the locks he allegedly broke into her apartment and stabbed her to death with a pocket knife. After murdering her he cooked parts of her body and ate them including using a jigsaw to cut open her skull in order to eat her brains.

4. Italian Son Kills, Eats Mother

via Breitbart
via Breitbart

In 2013, Italian man Lino Renzi was arrested after it was discovered that he had killed his elderly mother and had been eating her for an unknown amount of time. Renzi had a long history of mental problems and had killed his mother after the two had an argument in the home they shared together. Parts of his mother were found boiling, in the oven, in the freezer, and in the bathroom.

Renzi had been released a month prior to committing the atrocity and prescription drugs were found on the scene.

5. Revenge In Congo

Africa’s Democratic Republic of Congo has long suffered from civil war and conflict between Christians, Animists, and Muslims. In 2014, a man believed to be a part of a Muslim group who had committed a massacre of nearly 100 people was set upon by a crowd in northern Congo and they proceeded to stone and beat him to death.

Once the man was dead, the crowd set him on fire and ate portions of his corpse.

6. The Miami Zombie

Rudy Eugene via Wiki Commons
Rudy Eugene via Wiki Commons

Initially believed to be under the influence of bath salts, in 2012 Rudy Eugene carried out an insane attack against 68-year-old Ronald Poppo, a homeless Miami man. Caught on camera, the eighteen minute attack consisted of Eugene ranting against Poppo, accusing him of “stealing his Bible” before he beat Poppo unconscious and bit off most of his face, leaving him blind. Eugene became known as the “Miami Zombie” after the press released the details of the attack.

Ronald Poppo via Wiki Commons
Ronald Poppo via Wiki Commons

When police arrived on the scene, Eugene was still carrying out his attack on Poppo and reportedly simply growled at officers when they told him to stop. Eugene was then shot four times before he desisted his attack. Eugene died on the scene.

During Eugene’s autopsy, police found that he had cannabis in his system as well as several pills in his stomach that they were unable to identify.

7. The Asexual Artist

Mao Sugiyama via HuffingtonPost
Mao Sugiyama via HuffingtonPost

Legal in Japan, self described asexual, artist Mao Sugiyama decided to have his genitals removed in 2012 and serve them as a dish for a mere 100,000 yen (855 in today’s U.S. dollars) as a way to show that he did not affiliate with any gender.

Five diners later sat down and ate Sugiyama’s genitals which were served with “button mushrooms and Italian parsley.” Long deleted, here’s how Sugiyama’s original tweet offering up his genitals read.

“[Please retweet] I am offering my male genitals (full penis, testes, scrotum) as a meal for 100,000 yen …Will prepare and cook as the buyer requests, at his chosen location.”

8. Skull Caps

via NCBI
via NCBI

Lest you get the impression that cannibalism is a modern era phenomenon, think again. Evidence from dig sites dating back circa 12,000 years ago indicate that the residents at the time were very familiar with cannibalism and were even practiced at it, making cups from the tops of their victim’s skulls after scraping out the brains.

Results of the research suggest the processing of cadavers for the consumption of body tissues (bone marrow), accompanied by meticulous shaping of cranial vaults. The distribution of cut-marks and percussion features indicates that the skulls were scrupulously ‘cleaned’ of any soft tissues, and subsequently modified by controlled removal of the facial region and breakage of the cranial base along a sub-horizontal plane. The vaults were also 'retouched', possibly to make the broken edges more regular. This manipulation suggests the shaping of skulls to produce skull-cups.

Whether the people that committed these acts did so because they were desperate or whether “man” was just another item on their regular menu is unknown.

In another case of ancient cannibalism, the 50,000 year old remains of an entire Neanderthal family of 12 was found in a Spanish cave along with evidence that all had been butchered like beef cattle for eating.

9. Cannibalistic Crusaders

Peter the Hermit preaching the First Crusade via Wiki Commons
Peter the Hermit preaching the First Crusade via Wiki Commons

During the first Crusade in 1098, upon defeating a Muslim army by laying siege Syrian city Ma'arra, the crusaders were then reported to have eaten the men they had defeated. Whether this was out of hungry desperation isn’t known but there is also evidence that they may have been ordered to do so in order to ensure that their later foes would be scared to death of them.

When news got back to Europe that this had happened the people of the time were just as disturbed by it as we would be today especially given the supposedly “holy mission” aspect of the Crusades concept.

10. The Siege Of Fort Detroit

via Wiki Commons
via Wiki Commons

In 1763, Ottowa native american chief Potomac and members of several other tribes laid siege to Fort Detroit in order to kill all the 120 British soldiers present at the time and drive the British presence back.

During the siege, Potomac’s forces killed several soldiers and civilians outside the Fort and ritualistically cannibalized at least one of the soldiers. Six months later, the siege a failure, Potomac withdrew his forces.  Here’s the account of one British soldier who was taken hostage by Potomac. The cannibalism was, it seems, an uproarious affair.

via Google Books
Account of John Rutherford

11. The Child Eater

Joachim Georg Kroll via

Known as the Ruhr Cannibal and Duisburg Man-EaterGerman serial killer Joachim Georg Kroll lived from 1933-1991 and during that time he raped and killed fourteen people while eating parts of at least three of them. Kroll’s victims were almost exclusively women and nine of them were under the age of 16. Three were under the age of ten.

Upon his arrest he was convicted of eight murders but while in prison confessed to more. Having an IQ of only 76, Kroll didn’t begin killing until after his mother died and was, by all accounts, had been a skinny and weak child who notoriously wet his bed.

Kroll was extremely screwed up. He didn’t rape his victims until after they were already dead and confessed to also engaging in masturbation with a rubber sex doll upon returning home from from his crimes. Kroll eventually captured and sentenced to life in prison which is where he died from a heart attack in 1991.

12. The Literary Cannibal

via YouTube
Issei Sagawa via YouTube

In 1981, Japanese Sorbonne literature student, Issei Sagawa murdered fellow student Renée Hartevelt, a Dutch girl, while the two were studying at his Paris apartment, raped her corpse, and cannibalized her body for two days. Freezing some of her remains, he was later caught while trying to dump other parts of her in a lake which is where police saw and caught him.

When asked why he did it, Sagawa said that he chose Hartevelt because she was tall and beautiful. Sagawa himself was under five feet tall and believed himself to be ugly. Initially committed to a mental institution, Sagawa was later deported to Japan and because of a series of administrative screwups was allowed to go free in 1986 after psychologists declared him sane, stating that sexual perversion had caused him to commit the murder.

Weirdly, Sagawa became sort of famous from all this for a number of years and made money from speaking fees, public appearances, books and even restaurant reviews. Here’s a section from an interview he gave with Vice in 2009.

This must sound rich coming from me, but the moment the girl became a corpse, I realized that I had lost an important friend and even regretted killing her for a moment. What I truly wished was to eat her living flesh. Nobody believes me, but my ultimate intention was to eat her, not necessarily to kill her. To this day, I still think, "If only she had let me taste her, just a little bit…"

13. The Model 

William Nelson and Omayma Aref Nelson via
William Nelson and Omayma Aref Nelson via William Nelson’s Attorney

The only female cannibal on this list, Omaima Aree Nelson moved to the U.S. from Egypt in 1986 and met William Nelson when she was 23. Nelson was substantially older at 56 years and was a pilot. The couple married within days of meeting and Omaima claimed that he began to sexually abuse her.

On Thanksgiving Day 1991, she stabbed William in the head with a pair of scissors and then beat him to death with a clothes iron. Afterward, she dismembered his body, boiled his head and hands, and began to mix his remains in with the Christmas turkey as she ran the entire thing through the garbage disposal. She even claimed to have cut out his ribs and cooked and eaten them with BBQ sauce. She also castrated him. Soon after her husband’s disappearance was noticed and she became a suspect.

Omaima also has a history of prior crazy behavior. In 1991, before moving in with William Nelson, she tied up her then boyfriend and demanded money at gunpoint. She has also stated that the reason she cut her husband up was so that she wouldn’t have to meet him in the afterlife “in accordance with Egyptian mythology.” 

Omaima is currently still in prison and will be eligible for parole in 2026.

14. The Starving And Brutal Japanese Army

via Wiki Commons
via Wiki Commons

Japanese troops posted in New Guinea received a severe ration cut in December of 1942 that apparently pushed them to cannibalism. Surviving POWs claim that, daily, at least one prisoner was marched out, butchered while still alive, and later served up to Japanese troops on the orders of their superiors. Here’s how one POW described the instances of cannibalism by Japanese troops.

“the Japanese started selecting prisoners and every day one prisoner was taken out and killed and eaten by the soldiers. I personally saw this happen and about 100 prisoners were eaten at this place by the Japanese. The remainder of us were taken to another spot 50 miles (80 kilometres) away where 10 prisoners died of sickness. At this place, the Japanese again started selecting prisoners to eat. Those selected were taken to a hut where their flesh was cut from their bodies while they were alive and they were thrown into a ditch where they later died.”

However, this was not an isolated incident. Instances of cannibalism by the Japanese army were not uncommon outside of New Guinea either. TC mark

My Best Friend Has Been Gone For 15 Years And He Just Walked Through The Door Like Nothing Was Wrong

Posted: 22 Jan 2016 06:15 PM PST

Flickr, Shane Gorski
Flickr, Shane Gorski

The day Bacon came back, he just walked through the door and said "Hello." Like nothing had happened. As if he hadn't been gone for 15 years.

Son of a bitch walked in like he owned the joint, sat down in the chair across from me, and said "Hello."

"'Hello’?" I could barely look at him, I was so angry. "'Hello'? That's all you have to say, you cowardly shit?”

Bacon shrugged his shoulders and gave me his best 'what do you want from me' grin. It was pretty obvious he was sure I was going to forgive him. I always had before, what made this time any different?

Well, for one, it had been 15 years. Not to mention what happened in homeroom all those years ago. What Bacon had made me do.

"I missed you?" Bacon added.

"Fuck you," I said, but if I had to admit it, I had missed him too. 15 years is a long time to go without your best friend. It feels like a piece of you is missing, a phantom limb that itches with no way to scratch it.

"There's the spirit. I was starting to get worried about you." He settled back in his chair, glancing around the sparse room. I could tell from the way he sat he knew he was out of the doghouse already. Or at least, he figured as much. "Haven't been too lively these days. Seems like you've given up, Mick.”

"How the hell would you know? You've been gone 15 years." There, I said it, spat out the phlegm at the back of my throat. There was his crime, clear as day, 15 fucking years. Not to mention what happened in homeroom.

Bacon went on like he hadn't heard me.

"I've popped in on you from time to time. Checked you out, made sure you were getting on okay. Just didn't feel like the right time, you know?”

No. I didn't know. Had Bacon been stalking me? How exactly had he been "checking me out?" And why had it taken so long for him to come back into my life?

"I'm not getting on okay. I haven't been. Not since you left." I sounded pouty, a sulking child, but I couldn't help it. It hurt.

"Aww, buddy. C'mon, Mick." Bacon leaned forward and cuffed my knee gently with his knuckles. "You know I only act in your best interests. I always have. It was time for me to go, I couldn't stick around. Not after—”

"Homeroom." I finished the sentiment at the same time it came out of Bacon's mouth. He nodded grimly, for the first time exposing the serious side of himself I knew was always lurking beneath the surface.

"You're slipping away," he said bluntly.

"Fuck you. You think you can just pop back into my life and start judging me?" Bacon was always judging me. Always pushing me to do better, go a little farther. I suppose without him maybe I've slipped but fuck him anyway.

"That's why I'm back, Mick. I can't let you slip away. You've got more to do.”

Always more to do with Bacon. Maybe 15 years had been better for me than I thought — I'd missed him so much I'd nearly forgotten how demanding he could be.

"I think I maxed out in 2001," I sneered, and that made him sit back in his chair a little. Not quite as relaxed when he saw I could potentially put up a fight. "Can't imagine what else you'd have lined up for me. Besides, I'm not a kid anymore. I've got my limitations.”

Bacon gave me a brief but thorough look over. Nodded in stern agreement.

"Yeah. I can see that. But I can help. I can get you back on your feet. Stop the slipping. That's why I'm back, buddy, you've got potential and you're stronger than I thought.”

"Gee thanks." I broke eye contact to stare at my feet as if there was something particularly interesting to examine there. "You sure know how to make a guy feel good after abandoning him for over a decade.”

"Mick," he began, but I cut him off.

"You were supposed to be my friend. We said we were going to do it together and you backed out and now here I am." I was mortified to realize I was on the verge of tears so I shut my mouth and kept staring at my feet.

"I know," Bacon said, then added gently, "and I'm sorry.”

Bacon never apologized before.

"I got scared. I thought I could do it, thought it was the best option, but at the last second I chickened out and I'm sorry." He cuffed my knee again and I looked up from my feet. He looked sorry, too. "I've been using our time apart to think, you know? Because if that wasn't the best option, there had to be another one, right?”

"You've got another option," I said, my tone dry as desert sand.

"Bet your ass I do." Bacon grinned, then leaned forward conspiratorially. "What went down in homeroom—”

"When you left like a cowardly shit," I interjected, but he went on.

"—that wasn't right. It wasn't what was supposed to happen. I had the signals all mixed up. I got it wrong.”

"You 'got it wrong?'" I would have laughed in his face if, you know, I wasn't so furious. "What about your 'signals' got it so 'wrong' that I put a gun in my mouth in front of a class of kids I'd been going to school with since kindergarten and pulled the trigger? That seems pretty fucking far off the mark, Bacon.”

He held his hands up in defense of his mixed-up signals.

"I know. I know. I was wrong, I'm sorry, I told you. But you survived! You're still here!”

"I'm here," I spat, fuming. "You're damn right I'm here, look around, Bacon!" I would have lifted my arm and swept it around the dayroom of the psychiatric ward if, you know, I wasn't paralyzed.

Bacon wouldn't look. I noticed he'd been pointedly ignoring all the other psych ward patients, in fact. Probably made him feel worse.

Did you know when you eat a bullet, it's not always your last meal?

I didn't. But turns out, if you aim just a little too high, you miss the part that controls heart functions and breathing. If you aim just a little too high, you just destroy the part that controls language and memory and motor functions.

I didn't know that, but I think Bacon did.

"I'm going to help you," Bacon insisted.

"You were supposed to go with me," I said, but you know I didn't really say it, I was just sort of thinking it because Bacon could hear me even when I couldn't talk.

Bacon could always hear me.

"I couldn't." He grimaced a little. "You did it wrong, Mick, buddy. If you'd blown your brains out the right way I'd be gone with you but we're both still here." His face brightened but I still noticed how he refused to look at any of the other vegetables in the dayroom. They wheel us out of our rooms for sun a few times a day and wouldn't you know that's where Bacon had found me, staring listlessly out the windows with the rest of them.

He cuffed my knee for a third time.

"But it's okay. Because like I said, I was wrong. I thought you had to kill yourself to end our torment but you know what, buddy, that day you pulled the trigger in front of all those kids?" Bacon let out a long, low whistle of appreciation. "The agony in that room when the gun went off… the agony that lingered after those kids went home? I can still taste it, Mick, and it's fucking delicious.

"I don't know what you mean." But I kinda did. And I was getting excited.

"You weren't supposed to kill yourself. That didn't take away the torment, did it, Mick?”

No, it sure as shit didn't.

"But you can cause it," Bacon said. He sounded as excited as I felt. "Turn the gun the other way. We could go right back to that high school, right back to that homeroom, and have some real fun.”

He paused, then added, "Or we could start right here." Bacon turned towards a nurse on watch, acknowledging someone other than me for the first time since he'd walked in the door. He cocked his thumb and forefinger in mockery of a pistol, aimed it at her head, fired.

The nurse didn't even blink. After all, it's not like she could see Bacon.

Only I could see Bacon.

It had been 15 years since Bacon had whispered to me every night, every day, about how I had to kill myself. Where my dad's gun was. How to load the bullets. How I had to end things, and how I had to do it. Now here he was, out of nowhere, with a whole new plan. Demanding things. Bacon could be so demanding.

He could also be very, very persuasive.

"I'm paralyzed, Bacon," I said, but it was hard to deny that my palms were sweaty. I ached to flex my fingers, wiggle my toes, anything. What was Bacon promising, exactly? "I can't even wipe my own ass, let alone fire a gun.”

"And that, my dear friend," Bacon said, leaning towards me again, "is why I'm here.”

He paused, then — keeping a careful eye on the nurse — reached for my hand. He cuffed my knuckles the same way he'd been cuffing my knee and suddenly, miraculously…

My hand twitched.

I thought for a wild second that I'd imagined it but Bacon gave me that grin of his so I flexed and —

My hand twitched.

"Consider it reparations for my long absence," Bacon said, leaning back in his chair again, lacing his fingers behind his head. "But I told you, it wasn't the right time. Signals were all wrong. Now is the right time."

"This is gonna be a lot of work, isn't it?" I asked him, staring in wonder at my hand. It ached, the long-dead limb coming back to life, but I could almost wiggle my fingers already.

"Yeah. You betcha. But it'll be worth it." Out of nowhere he gave my twitching hand a sharp smack. He was frowning at the nurse, who I could see out of the corner of my eye — she was watching me. "Careful with that. You don't want them to know you're getting better. Element of surprise, you know?”

"Yeah," I said, but my heart was hammering hard in my chest. I should've known that when Bacon came back, he'd come back in a big way.

"There's the spirit," Bacon said, grinning. "Now let's get started. I can't wait for you to taste the agony, Mick. It's fucking delicious.TC mark

Lately I’ve Been Trying Not To Fall In Love With You

Posted: 22 Jan 2016 06:00 PM PST

iStockPhoto.com / ArtMarie
iStockPhoto.com / ArtMarie

lately,
i've been trying not to fall in love with you.

i've been trying not to imagine what your morning breath smells like, and the jokes we would share every night right before we drift off to sleep.
I've been trying to tell myself that love is nothing but endings,
and we would be nothing but destruction.
i've been trying not to imagine your voice after three cigarettes when you whisper that you love me.
i've been trying to imagine what goodbye sounds like through your clenched jaw.
i've been trying to forget that you cleared the mess from my head
and I keep trying to shove chaos back into my membrane so i go back to the person I was before you.

lately,
i've been failing at everything. TC mark

This Is What Will Happen If We Start Over

Posted: 22 Jan 2016 05:00 PM PST

Twenty20 kirillvasilevcom
Twenty20 kirillvasilevcom

When you asked if we could start over, it took me by surprise. All I could think about was everything I’d do differently next time.

***

If we start over, I’ll tell you from the first date that I like you. A lot.

If we start over, I’ll tell you up front that I’m not looking for something casual.

If we start over, I won’t try so hard.

If we start over, I won’t respond to your texts when you ignore mine.

If we start over, I won’t reach out when you disappear.

If we start over, I won’t pretend that your withdrawal doesn’t faze me at all.

If we start over, I won’t wait for you to make up your mind.

If we start over, I won’t be afraid to talk about myself without burdening you.

If we start over, I’ll ask about your life without feeling any guilt for digging.

If we start over, I’ll be less confused and a lot more reassured.

If we start over, I’ll want to travel with you more than once a year.

If we start over, I’ll expect to speak to you whenever I feel like it.

If we start over, I’ll want to know that I am the only one.

If we start over, I won’t make excuses for you or your actions.

If we start over, I won’t believe any of the lies I tell myself.

If we start over, I’ll want to hang out with you and your friends, and I’ll want you to meet mine.

If we start over, I won’t want to feel like you’re doing me so many favors.

If we start over, I won’t fight for your attention.

If we start over, I won’t be the same old me.

If we start over, I will like myself a bit more than I like you.

If we start over, I won’t give you as much as you’re used to.

If we start over, I won’t give you the chance to break my heart.

If we start over, I’ll walk away, knowing that it's only a matter of time before you walk away too. TC mark

17 Very Real Struggles Every Second Semester Senior In College Is Experiencing Right Now

Posted: 22 Jan 2016 04:00 PM PST

IMG_1150

1. You have a deep, looming fear that on graduation day, you’ll be told you can’t walk, because you blatantly don't have enough credits to warrant a diploma.

2. …And for that very reason, you have a serious aversion to seeing your advisor. You're genuinely terrified they'll look at your evaluation and be like, "Dude…you're still a freshman."

3. You're like…very concerned your vocabulary is not conducive to adulthood. Will "basic bitch" be useful slang in the real world?

4. You’re quietly convinced that your degree is absolutely worthless because every job application calls for SEVERAL YEARS of relevant experience?????

5. Despite the fact that you're SUPER sure you're done with school/homework, in your darkest hours, when you're convinced you'll never find a job, you whisper to yourself, "…Should I just go to law school?"

6. You're super overwhelmed by the volume of real world skills you definitely lack. Like filing taxes, for example. How the fuck does one file one’s taxes?

7. You low-key have no idea what a "line of credit" is. You high-key have no idea how to "establish" one.

8. You're clueless re: insurance. What exactly will you have to…"insure"? And when will your parents stop doing it for you?

9. Speaking of your parents, you've passionately avoided confronting them about this whole "financial independence" thing. Like…when will it happen? How serious will it be? When you inevitably blow your first paycheck on tequila and übers, will they have your back?

10. You're grappling with the idea that you can't just like…skip work. Unlike class. Wtf.

11. If you're in a relationship, you're starting to panic that it's not a real relationship. You're probably thinking, "Will we work out in the real world, when both of us are poor af and hate our jobs? (PROBS NOT…)"

12. And if you’re not in a relationship, the idea of dating other adults outside of college is pretty horrifying. Where will you meet these people? Are blind dates really a thing? ALSO, HOW WILL YOU POSSIBLY BE ABLE TO AFFORD DATING?

13. You're concerned you'll never figure out how to really grocery shop. And you're guessing it'll soon be inappropriate to return from the supermarket with a bunch of bags full of ramen and gatorade.

14. You recently realized that you have at least FOUR DECADES of like, your career or whatever ahead of you. This realization was followed by a week-long depression and strategic job search procrastination.

15. You have a billion things on your college bucket list that you like…HAVE to do. You do not, however, have a billion hours left to do them.

16. You’re kind of terrified that your future coworkers will think you’re dumb/weird/boring/annoying, and that you’ll end up eating lunch in a bathroom stall every day, softly weeping into your very mediocre salad.

17. You're mourning your imminent loss of ratchetry. When does passing out at the foot of your bed with no pants on and one contact in stop being cute? Asking for a friend. TC mark

19 Things All Northern Kids Who Grew Up In The South Understand

Posted: 22 Jan 2016 03:00 PM PST

natchan
natchan

1. You wore flip flops until mid-November, which consistently confused your southern-born friends. In their world, fifty-five degrees was freezing.

2. You nodded smugly when your northern cousins finally caught on to the phenomenon that was Chick-fil-A fast food, because you had already been enjoying it for years.

3. It may have not been this way in the beginning, but sweet tea and water are now one and the same to you.  

4. The first time the word “ya’ll” slipped out of your mouth, you were completely terrified. Your friends, on the other hand, could not contain their glee.

5. Sometimes you still find yourself saying “Yes, mam” to any woman who is older than you, whether she’s twenty-nine or eighty-four. It was such a common practice where you grew up that it was accidentally engrained into your brain, no matter how hard you resisted.

6. Some of the biggest gossip in your teenage years came from what went down at your friends’ cotillions – which you always attended, and never participated in.

7. Snow days were a joke. The first time your mom woke you up to tell you school was canceled because it was “too cold,” you thought she was messing with you.

8. …You actually had to go downstairs, turn on the news, and wait for your school to show up on the bottom feed before you were convinced that your parents weren’t pranking you.

9. If it ever did “snow” where you lived, you threw on your Northface fleece and maybe some gloves and ran outside to play. And then you had to wait an extra twenty minutes for all your friends to put on snow pants, hats, scarves, mittens, face masks, hand warmers, and a million other layers in order to survive playing in thirty degree weather. This was life or death to them.

10. The most “wintery” activity you and your friends did was have a bonfire in someone’s backyard in the middle of January. But eventually everybody else went inside because the mid-forties were too cold.

11. Because Coca Cola’s headquarters are in Atlanta, it took you a while to understand that ‘a coke’ could mean any type of soda in the south. Southerns used the word ‘coke’ as a synonym for pop, rather than being specific about an actual glass of Coca-Cola Coke.

12. If you went back up north for college, everybody asked you where your accent went when you told them you were “from” the south.

13. The bread and milk aisles were always completely cleaned out at the grocery store whenever there was a slight, slight chance of light snowfall.

14. You went through a mourning period for all the flannel you used to be able to wear and would now sweat through.

15. There was a long transition period where you had to learn that some of your friends’ moms went by “Miss Karen” or “Miss Elizabeth” instead of “Mrs. Jones” or “Mrs. Smith.”

16. The ‘snowstorm’ that paralyzed Atlanta a couple years ago would have been hilarious to you if it hadn’t been so damn ridiculous.

17. After being away from the north for long enough, you honestly forgot that most people cared about other sports besides football.

18. You still remember when your sixth grade bestie excitedly said, “I think we might get an inch of snow!” and you thought That’s cute.

19. If your parents still live in the south, you can’t resist making fun of them when they complain on the phone that it’s “chilly.” Sometimes, you lose it for a minute. “CHILLY?! YOU DON’T KNOW CHILLY ANYMORE.” TC mark

This Is How You Know If Your Dog Loves You As Much As You Love Them

Posted: 22 Jan 2016 02:00 PM PST

Twenty20 / amyjhumphries
Twenty20 / amyjhumphries

Dogs do so much for us: they protect us, they transport us, they guide us, and they love us. All they ask for is food, shelter, exercise and affection. Sometimes they ask us for our patience when they won’t stop barking or when they find an especially intriguing scent on a bush during a walk.

Dogs enrich our lives and make us happy just by wagging their tail and knocking us down with their enthusiasm. “Thank you for coming home today,” they seem to say. It takes so little effort to bring a dog joy that it makes almost every other relationship in our lives seem like endless work. Dogs are just as important to people, as people.

The Huffington Post partnered up with Purina and Purina Better With Pets Summit to look into finding answers about dogs and their feelings, especially their feelings where humans are concerned.

1. They anticipate punishment after doing something bad.

You know the moment you step into your house that your dog has done something he’s not supposed to, and then you find the trash can in the kitchen, overturned with its contents splayed all over the floor. Your dog is hanging his head down in what you assume is guilt, as he knows he’s not supposed to get into the garbage.

According to the book Decoding Your Dog from the American College of Veterinary Behaviorists, your dog doesn’t feel guilty, but he’s learned to anticipate you yelling at him. Your dog can tell you’re upset and quite possibly angry, so they use their body posture to communicate that you should calm down. They also use the averted look, droopy ears, and downward-facing-dog pose to avoid punishment.

2. They get jealous.

If you have more than one dog, you’ve seen it happen: you’re giving attention to one dog, and another one comes up and licks your hand or tries to get on your lap. According to a study published in PLOS ONE, dogs do get jealous.

Researchers say, “We found that dogs exhibited significantly more jealous behaviors (e.g. snapping, getting between the owner and object, pushing/touching the object/owner) when their owners displayed affectionate behaviors toward what appeared to be another dog, as compared to nonsocial objects.” Green looks good on you, Duke.

3. They can pick up on human emotions.

Dogs are naturally skilled at something called social eavesdropping, or the use of information collected by observing interactions between others. In one study, Italian scientists invited 100 dog owners and their pets to participate. In the experiment, the dogs watched as their owners requested help and were either rudely ignored or got the help they asked for.

The overwhelming majority of the dogs whose owners didn’t receive help ignored food offered to them by the person who had disregarded their owner. Your dog is definitely on your team. Dogs are also good at reading human emotions that they pick up on subtle changes in the tone of your voice, and they can also read the expressions on our faces, according to a study in Current Biology.

4. They probably can’t recognize your face over video chat.

When you’re away from your dog and miss them so much you could burst, setting up a video chat with them (via your dogsitter) can help you feel much better, but does your dog even know it’s you? The answer is a definitive maybe.

Dogs recognize people from their scents, and smell-o-vision hasn’t been invented for either FaceTiime or Skype, so your dog would have to rely on facial and vocal recognition to know it’s you. A study found that there’s a specific part of a dog’s brain that processes faces and it’s active when dogs see pictures of people. But it hasn’t been proven one way or another if dogs can recognize their human by face alone.

5. They love unconditionally.

When people come in close contact with their loved ones, they experience an increase in oxytocin (the love hormone), which plays a significant role in bonding.

study by Azabu University’s School of Veterinary Medicine in Sagmihara, Japan found that dogs love to be with us as much as we love to be with them, and they feel the same kind of love bonding that we do. Some dogs crave affection, contact, attention, pats, chin scratches, and cuddling over almost anything — even food and throwing the ball.

Dogs are there when you need them and will never let you down, as long as you’re good to them in return. If you don’t have a pet, what are you waiting for? You won’t regret adopting one today. TC mark

This post originally appeared at YourTango.

unnamed

You May Feel Broken Right Now, But You Are Not Weak

Posted: 22 Jan 2016 01:00 PM PST

Twenty20, cburtonsiller
Twenty20, cburtonsiller

Today you feel broken. Life has thrown you its toughest hand of cards and you're trying to figure out who you are again, how to move forward in this place of loss.

Your hands feel foreign, your stomach twisted, your heart weighed down. You are unsure of your next step, dizzy and suddenly terrified to stand back up again.

But this is what you do when you are broken. You pick yourself up, piece by piece. You re-learn the strongest parts of yourself and fight until you break through. You drag yourself forward until your limbs can hold your weight, then you learn to stand up, to walk, to smile again.

You hold yourself together with threads, you distract yourself with things and people that occupy your mind and fill the space around you. You walk, you run, you settle into the rhythm of pounding feet on concrete. You comfort yourself with words and soft blankets and laughter until it no longer feels like you're pretending.

You may be broken right now, but it will get better.
You may be broken right now, but you are not weak.

You are never weak. Your head has forgotten its capacity to love, to forgive, to hold memories. Your body has forgotten how to push forward. But you are not this fragile creature that needs to be sheltered, protected, held within a closed fist.

You are not weak. The strongest parts of you are hiding just below the surface, giving you a moment to process. Recharging. The strongest parts of you are building, aligning, bubbling underneath your skin. Waiting for you to believe in them, to set them free.

Your body has forgotten how to push forward. But you are not this fragile creature that needs to be sheltered, protected, held within a closed fist.

You are not weak. You do not need to be taken care of. You do not need pity, or gentleness, or someone to carry you, or to hold your hand. You have the strength to stand on your own, the confidence to rebuild, the passion to continue, and the love to forgive.

Though the world may be pulling you down today, though you can't lift the shadow from your eyes, though you are scared of the future, though you are broken, you are not weak.

So close your eyes, take a deep breath, and silently remind yourself of the person you are, of your incredible strength, and begin to piece yourself together again. TC mark

21 Hilarious Yik-Yaks That Anyone With ‘Senioritis’ Will Relate To

Posted: 22 Jan 2016 12:00 PM PST