Thought Catalog


7 Chivalrous Acts That We Should Still Expect From Modern Dating

Posted: 26 Jan 2016 08:00 PM PST

anya_volchik
anya_volchik

1. Asking someone on a date formally and directly.

Be clear with your intentions. "Hanging out" is not dating, and if you aren't interested in someone enough to go out on a limb and ask to take them to dinner, you probably aren't interested in them enough to be dating them at all.

2. Going the door when picking someone up.

Let's retire the "here" text once and for all, and assume that if possible, going out together is always better than meeting up once you're there.

3. Stating that you don't want a second date rather than ghosting, or worse, lingering in-between.

You can kindly say that you don't think you're a great match but that you wish them well. If you are not enough of an adult to be able to communicate this, you probably aren't mature enough to be dating either.

4. Assuming that the person who asks for the date, pays.

Never assume that you won't have to pay, and always assume that if you are the one who asked to take someone out, you should foot the bill. When that's not the case, be prepared to take your share of the check if that's what it comes down to.

5. Making time for little acts of kindness, like offering a warm coat or cleaning up after a meal at home.

These are the things that make people feel really loved. They are going to be the fuel that keeps the fire burning after a while – don't underestimate the power of the little things.

6. Getting creative about date ideas.

Beautiful dinners and expensive gestures don't actually "wow" people the way we assume they will. What matters more is that you put some thought into your time together (for example: take them to their favorite spot at the park for lunch, rather than just a restaurant).

7. Not assuming sex is a given, rather, thinking of it as a privilege.

As in, rather than approach the date with the pretense that it will be a precursor to sex, think of the date as an opportunity to get to know someone, and anything beyond that is just gravy. TC mark

44 Ambien Stories That Will Creep You The Eff Out

Posted: 26 Jan 2016 07:00 PM PST

via Flickr - Michael Pham
via Flickr – Michael Pham

1. You Do The Weirdest Things And Can’t Remember Them

I took Ambien for nearly six months. I don’t know what rumors you’ve read about Ambien, but I can only imagine that most of them are entirely true. On numerous occasions I would wake up to find my kitchen in total chaos – baking pans, skillets, knives, cutting boards, etc as if I’d prepared a seven course meal. Which I apparently had been doing – entirely in my sleep with no recollection of it. It wasn’t until my GF set up a video camera that I realized what was happening.

On two occasions I woke up and my car was parked either in the neighbor’s driveway or down the block. I had apparently ‘sleep driven’ on more than one occasion. Ambien is scary,scary crap – it beat me down like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest and apparently made me (temporarily) insane while I slept?!?!

2. Mysterious Packages Started Arriving

I tried Ambien for a while. I would take it about 30 minutes before going to bed and browse around online, waiting for it to kick in. I started receiving packages from Amazon that I didn’t order. It was all good stuff that I liked, so I called around to family and friend trying to figure out who was so kind to send me stuff. When my credit card bill came, everything was on there, thankfully nothing I couldn’t afford. I checked my Amazon account, and apparently I ordered them myself and don’t recall it. Thanks Ambien. I stopped taking it for fear of what else I might do.

3. Pissed On My Computer

About a year ago, I was in my college town and trying to get on my normal sleep schedule. I took my prescribed ambien about 8 P.M. Minutes after taking it, my roommate walks in and talks me into going to the bar across the street. When I walked in I was nervous about drinking while under the influence of ambien. Two hours later I’m walking back the the apartment about 8 beers in. I’m not drunk at this point, however, I’m feeling the tiring effects of the ambien.

I proceed to crash in my bed, sleeping like never before. The next morning, I wake up at 6:30, get dressed and goto my 7:00 class. When I return at 9:00 A.M., I go straight to my computer to check my schedule for the remainder of the day. I can’t help but notice the nasty, “just washed your car and let the soap dry before rinsing off film” all over my glossy black dell. As I’m pondering this, flashbacks occur in my mind. I have vague memories of me waking up, and going to the nearest light, “my Dell.” I proceeded to piss all over the screen, keys, and nightstand. The side of my bed was wet as well.

Thankfully, Windex cleaned everything, the computer still work, but damn, I pissed on my fucking computer.

4. Pirates In My Room

My dad used to take Ambien because he travels around the world for work a lot, and has to deal with jet lag all the time. He stopped after multiple conversations with me or my brother that he would simply not remember taking place the next morning.

Now for me, I took Ambien briefly when I was 19 because I was suffering from some pretty severe insomnia. Now, My dad had just given me a couple from his prescription, I hadn’t seen a doctor or anything that had prescribed my them,so I wasn’t really sure what to expect. I had taken sleep aids previously, but nothing like Ambien.

So, at about 11 PM, I’m settling down for the night, thinking about trying to sleep, which I hadn’t successfully done for about 40 hours, and popped an Ambien. Not knowing that those fuckers kick in quick, I figured I had thirty or forty minutes before I started to feel sleepy (which isn’t how ambien works, anyway), and so went outside and slowly smoked a joint. By the time I came back inside, the Ambien had fully kicked in, and boy, does weed and ambien mix weird.

The hallucinations kicked in about ten minutes later, nothing too crazy at first, just some waves on the wall and my computer screen appeared to be constantly jarring around an was impossible to focus on.

Things got much worse from there.

The only way I can really describe it is to say it was like I was dreaming. Not that floaty, “whoa I’m high” type of dreaming, but full on shit-doesn’t-make-sense-and-there’s-fucking-pirates-in-my-room type dreaming. My mind would jump from situation to situation, and I would honestly believe I was in them, but I could not remember what they were the next morning. It was as if dream-world and reality had intersected in my little one bedroom apartment.

I don’t really remember much else I did that night. I figured I finally fell asleep around five or six AM, and woke up around noon the next day (Best night of sleep in days, incidentally). I had passed out on the floor of my living room, wearing jeans and a hat but no shirt or socks, my coffee table was upside down, and there were the remnants of a small fire in the corner of my (carpeted) living area. I have no idea what the fuck I got up to, the only image I have is a vague recollection of chanting nonsense and dancing around the room, hoisting a pimp cane from an old Halloween costume into the air on which I’d stuck a roll of toilet paper, which I then set on fire.

I attempted to recreate my experience that next night, but with less fire. It went…ok.

5. I Literally Ground My Teeth Down In One Night

Both of my siblings had to get braces. I didn’t. My teeth were neigh-perfect except for my top-right incisor, which was a couple millimeters longer than my left and it was pushed about the same distance towards the front of my mouth. I asked them on a fairly regular basis how their mouths were and if the braces hurt and then went on to complain to them how this one tooth bugged me. I considered getting it shaved down but realized that it’s only a tooth and I could live with it. My brother and sister got their braces off eventually and my insomnia was slowly building.

I took the OTC stuff and was building up a tolerance to those things (up to 17 Benedryl in one night before I saw a doc). So she prescribed me Ambien. Apparently my jaw didn’t like it too much. After about a week my body acclimated to it. I awoke one morning with what felt like grits all over my mouth. I freaking ground down my teeth in one night. So my front teeth are all flat, except for my canines. That one incisor that bugged me for so many years was now flush with my other teeth. Sonnabitch. I told my siblings about it within the next month. They just laughed. Goddamn ambien. My body acclimated to it within the next month and I had to switch meds.

6. Poor Decisions

I was stuck with a three year magazine subscription because I answered the door after taking some. My brain just turns to mush and I make poor decisions.

7. Imaginary Air Race On A Flying Mattress

A couple of years ago, I decided I’d take 25 mg of Ambien for shits and giggles. Pretty soon, I was having the time of my life sitting in my chair with my eyes closed, because whenever I closed my eyes, I would feel the chair take off like a plane and fly really fast. My mattress did the same thing. In fact, I had an imaginary air-race on my flying mattress against my cool new friends who had materialized through the wall earlier that night. It wasn’t so much a hallucination as it was a vivid waking dream.

Ambien is some fucking crazy stuff.

8. Had Sex With My BF…Don’t Remember It

I only took it once as a test so that I could maybe take it a couple of days later for a red-eye flight.

Spent the night with bleak dreams, not quite nightmares, but depressing things where everyone was angry and shouted at me all the time.

Had sex in the morning with my bf (apparently), but can’t remember anything about it. Spent the entire day after feeling miserable, like a full-blown, stuck-inside-your-head-hating-yourself depression. It took me until close to dinner time to figure out it was probably that one sleeping pill.

9. Teddy Bear Rescue

I started taking Ambien a couple months back to help get more restful sleep. The first night I took it I hallucinated that all of the clothes in my closet had turned into zombies that were planning a sneaky attack on me. It was so weird, I could see them whispering to one another. At one point I remembered my child hood teddy bear was trapped in the closet with the zombies and I needed to rescue him. I bust out my iPhone, call my best friend to fill him in on the situation and proceed to turn on the light saber app and swing my phone back and forth at the closet. I managed to snatch my teddy bear and go to sleep after a little bit.

10. A Brilliant Idea, Triple The Dosage

I’d take a pill then wake up a few hours later for the rest of the night. After about 80 hours on 6 hours of rest, I had a brilliant idea 1 pill = 3 hours so 3 pills = 9 hours.

I woke up and my bed was in a Louisiana swamp and 6 men in masks were picking it up and carrying me away. Luckily, my laptop was handy so I picked it up and got on AIM and started messaging everyone about what I was seeing. Except, the keys were floating off the keyboard and I was having to reach for them to type my pleas for help. The next day a friend of mine came over after having printed our conversation. He said he almost called 911 to have someone pick me up so I could sober up in the hospital.

I think it’s dreams like those that inspired the Rozerum commercial. Seconds after the first time I saw it, I called my psychiatrist and asked him to write me an RX. After about a week, I was getting regular sleep.

11. “Slap A Saddle On It, Cowgirl!”

Ambien makes me horny. I was half asleep on my back with a stiffy. Wife looks at me and says, “Woah, Cowboy, look at you!”

I don’t recall, but she told me I said to her, “Slap a saddle on it Cowgirl, ride it into town and tell all your friends about it."

12. Yoo-Hoo!!!

My son’s girlfriend coming down the stairs at 1:30am with NO eyebrows and demanding I take her to get a yoo-hoo, louder and louder…..

13. Car Wreck Dream

I got an Ambien scrip my Junior year of college because I was a severe night owl. This is what happened on the last two pills of that bottle…

I took one at about 9PM at home with the hopes of getting a good night sleep. It wasn’t really knocking me out by about 10PM so I took another. I remember walking upstairs and lying in bed.

I wake up the next day thinking about that crazy dream I had. I wanted some cigarettes but the store near me was closed so I drove about 10 minutes away to a gas station (also closed). There was a lot of snow on the ground so I missed the entrance and hit the curb, popping my tire. I get out, jack the car up and fix the tire. I’ve never done it before so I call AAA and have them look at it. After he comes and looks at it (this parts fuzzy) I drive home I guess.

When I wake up I laugh about how ridiculous this dream was. I don’t know how to fix a tire, let alone when I’m wacked out on Ambien. I walk outside to go get some lunch and see the spare on my car. It wasn’t a dream.

My car had a bent control arm and was barely able to make it down my driveway. The wheel had to be turned 90 degrees to even drive straight. I have no idea how I got home.

14. “My Brain Is Like The Keebler Elf Tree And You’re One Of The Elves"

You are supposed to take the ambien and then go straight to bed. Not wait around and have giggly fun time until you pass out. Having said that, I was guilty of calling my friends and having conversations about important things while waiting for the ambien to kick in. One of my friends started making a list of the weird things I would say. Example: “My brain is like the Keebler Elf tree and you’re one of the elves."

15. A Piece Of Meat On A Grill 

The first (and last) time I took Ambien it made me all anxious and not at all sleepy. As I was tossing and turning in bed I thought I was a piece of meat on a grill being endlessly flipped from one side to the other forever.

A friend had a similar much more pleasant experience in which she was a clam tucked cozily into the “shell” of her bedsheets.

16. The Eye Of Sauron

Oh lord, my ambien story is hilarious. So, the first time I took ambien, I absolutely tripped balls. I popped the pill, started getting ready for bed, sat down on the edge of the bed and remembered I forgot to turn my heater on. So I go over to the heater and the pill kicks in.

I sit down cause I feel woosy and turn my heater on. The red light letting me know that it is on turns into the Eye of Sauron. I try to stand up and the heater (now the Eye of Sauron) begins to tower over me, so I sit down. Every time I stand, the heater towers over me, so I am stuck in this loop of sitting and standing.

I begin to tell the heater to keep me warm throughout the night as I crawl my way over to my bed. As I stand to crawl into bed to finally sleep, the wall begins to morph into tentacles that proceeded to wrap around me and keep me snug as I slept.

17. “I Thought I Was A Gardener”

I once took ambien when I was dating an ex boyfriend of mine. I was having a lot of trouble sleeping so, he gave me one of his pills. I had never taken anything like that before. After I took it, I shortly fell asleep. Well, I thought I fell asleep. At this time, he lived in an apartment and shared a room with another person. While I thought I was sound asleep, I was apparently trying to pick flowers off the ceiling all night. I thought I was Gardener. I was also talking so loud about my new florist job, I kept the entire room awake all night. Good times. Thanks, Benjamin.

18. He Flushed The Pills After This

Not a funny story.

My dad’s doctor prescribed him ambien (I don’t know the reason) and he had a few incidents of sleep walking, but nothing big until one day I was visiting my mom when he shows up on her doorstep and knocks. I opened the door to find him standing shirtless on the porch with his car parked with the front in her yard and the back in the street with every door open.

I drove him home and finally managed to get him inside after he fell and scraped himself up on the way out of the car. Came in to find our pantry door absolutely demolished and the couch flipped backwards. Tried to figure out what happened from my dad but he just kept mumbling about some party (which I still don’t think ever actually happened) so I finally got him to sit and watch TV for a little bit before he consented to letting me help him to his room.

I slept on his couch that day and he was thoroughly confused when he woke up that morning and found me there. He told me that he took the pills, went to bed, and had no recollection whatsoever of the events that night.

Once I filled him in on what happened he flushed the rest of the pills and called his doctor to tell her what happened and told her that he would no longer be using it.

He also informed me that a month prior there had been an incident where he didn’t remember driving to work and only came to when he bumped a pole in his workplace’s parking lot.

19. Going To The Gym

I took it for a while in high school back when I was misdiagnosed with insomnia [I have DSPD, which is largely unresponsive to sleeping pills]. One night I just could. not. sleep. So instead of my usual 3 pills [I had quite the tolerance because of the DSPD], I took 4. Still nothing. So then I took another. Nothing. After taking 6 and being awake for I believe 32 straight hours, I decided it would be a great idea to drive to the gym – but I didn’t really know how to drive. So after a few minutes I ran the car into a bus bench and the city ended up having to tear it (the bus bench, not the car) out because I’d completely destroyed it.

I went off it cold turkey after that and stayed awake for the most miserable 58 hours of my life.

20. Blood Splattered Everywhere

Work started at 4pm. I woke up in bed at 4:37 feeling horrible and groggy as hell. Saw the time and got up to take a quick shower. When I walked into the bathroom, there was blood splattered everywhere. Floor, walls, toilet, but mostly on the counter by the sink. I looked at it all for about 10 seconds, then hurried up and got to work.

I evidently looked pretty fucked up when I got to work, both physically and mentally. My nose felt really weird too, kinda half numb. I went home sick after about 2 hours since I wasn’t really able to function. For some reason I called my mom before I went home, and she said I sounded really drugged out. When I got home I slept for 6 hours, and woke up feeling mostly normal.

I have no idea exactly what happened as I simply have no memory of it at all. What I was able to piece together from the evidence (mostly blood splatters) is I got up for work at a normalish time. I went to the bathroom to get ready, was standing in front of the sink, and simply passed out. On the way down, my face smashed into the edge of the counter. I somehow did not break my nose but did give it the worst nosebleed ever. This woke me back up, and I kinda writhed about in pain which spread blood everywhere. I then managed to get back to bed, laid down, and properly passed out there.

There’s still a tiny bit of nerve damage or something because one side of my nose is slightly numb all the time. I did not have this prior, which leads me to believe the face-smashing incident happened. 2 days later I told my doctor what had happened and that I wasn’t going to take Ambien anymore.

This was ~4 years ago and I still have sleeping problems, but at least my face is intact.

21. Lots Of Damage Control

Moved to NYC and my partying 4-5 nights a week was destroying my sleep schedule, so I went to a doctor with a loose prescription pad. Ambien initially helped, but I soon wasn’t sleeping after I took it. I didn’t sleep walk, I sleep lived. One night I popped my pill and went to bed, but woke up at a girl’s house (wife now) naked to her telling me she’s on her way to the airport to Japan and to make sure the door locks when I leave.

I sleep another hour or so then get on back to my apt. I get home and open the fridge to get something to drink and it is stocked with all my favorite shit: cut pineapple, honeydew, mango, Coconut water, etc. I think to myself ‘since when did they (cheap roomates) start buying this stuff. Later on that day I ask who bought the groceries they tell me I did. I check my pants pockets and find grocery receipt and multiple cab receipts. Check my phone and there are calls to multiple people, some lengthy convos. This kind of shit happens a few more times. Going out to bars meeting friends for drinks. Getting women’s phone numbers never remembering any of it. Well it feels like a distant dream that you’ve forgotten. Lots of text messages and phone convos that cause major regret. Lots of damage control.

Never take that shit anymore. Almost forgot. I’ve slept sitting up, randomly taken clothes off when out of town guest are staying over.

22. He Shot Through His Own Front Door

My dad’s friend got the key to his gun safe, took a pistol, and shot through his front door because in his dream someone was breaking in. His wife took the gun and forced him awake until it wore off then got rid of the rest of it.

23. From NYC To Frankfurt, Germany

I took some right after boarding a plane for an overnight flight from NYC to Frankfurt, Germany, later connecting to Beirut, Lebanon.

Everything was fine until I decided to stay up an extra 10 minutes because they were serving Chicken and Mashed Potatoes for dinner.

By the time the Stewardess got to my seat, I was hallucinating; half of the plane had shifted downwards and the other half had levitated up. The food cart was god knows where. At one point, the entire plane looked like that scene in Fight Club where Ed Norton imagines everyone getting sucked out into the emergency exit, except everything was neon-colored.

I managed to fall asleep, but when I woke up in Frankfurt the guy sitting next to me just shook his head and got outta there as soon as he could.

24. Demons Pushing Minecarts

Used to hallucinate Demons pushing minecarts across my eyeballs. That’s why I stopped taking Ambien. I like being an insomniac.

25. …Just To Get To The Bathroom

Last night was the first time I took it in over six months. When I was on it consistently, once a week I would wake up and there would be a laser field in my room that I would crawl through to go to the bathroom.

26. “Fish Torpedo”

I had a friend take ambien and we found him clothed in the bathtub with the water running. He was making a rowing motion like he was in a kayak. When I asked him what he was doing he replied “I’m a fish torpedo”. He then proceeded to stare at the wall and continue rowing.

27. Poor Dog

I took Ambien and woke up fully clothed, dresser on its side, desk flipped, and dog locked in closet.

28. A Human Made Of Balloons

I used to be prescribed Ambien because of insomnia caused by anxiety dreams, plus Adderall for ADHD. One morning I was SUPER exhausted, having gone to bed too late and had to get up really early for work. I go into the bathroom, take my morning Adderall and jump in the shower. Then it dawns on me that I had taken an AMBIEN instead of Adderall. I try to vomit it up but theres no pill. Shit. Soooooo in my infinite wisdom, I decide to take TWO Adderall to “counteract” the affects of the Ambien and get me through work.

That was a VERY strange day….I felt like a human made of balloons; a Balloohman if you will. I also distinctly remember hiding in the Compucave at work, praying no one would call for IT support. I was having trouble forming coherent sentences and all the strobing was distracting.

29. Artistic Genius

My weirdest Ambien story: suddenly believing I was an undiscovered artistic genius, I decided to make art with whatever I had around me. I woke up the next morning to find all my credit cards, driver’s license, gift cards, etc all cut up into various shapes on the floor.

30. Texting On Ambien

Last week I took an Ambien. When I woke up I had changed my shirt and was naked from the waste down. An open but unused condom was on the bed next to me. At 4 in the morning I had texted one of my female friends: “Come to our wonderspace Barely come in Geab son quick teickests ourtaude bsx quick ticks t"

31. Automatic Writing On Ambien

Taking Ambien was one of the strangest periods of my life. Every night was a trip. I eventually got off it because it stopped helping my insomnia. I’m not sure how to describe it…I’ve taken psychedelics and it isn’t like that, you’re completely delirious and the hallucinations are more like really strong suggestions. Everything feels really busy, like there’s a huge commotion going on in the background and a million things are happening once. Moving around feels incredibly fluid, but your sense of balance is shot to hell. Breathing feels…unusual I guess, like it’s echoing through your body.

Worst thing I ever did was film myself “dancing” to a song and post it on Facebook. Very confusing in the morning.

I tried writing on it a few times and the result was incomprehensible. Let me see if I can dig some of it up…keep in mind it was pretty much all automatic writing at around 120 WPM, so if you read it really fast you might get a feel for what Ambien is like. It makes me feel like I’m tripping on it, but a lot of that may just be the associations coming back.

There’s a lot more but it’s super long so I’ll just cut to the most interesting parts.

…so, just, last look at the bus and realize the arrangements are far too cramped, we weould never actually be able to reach in. But for now, just lying low, watching the sunset which filters in so often off the sky, bleaching white now at a temperature too harsh for any of last year’s models of glasses, and we;d hope you all have them on you if you wanbt to keep your hearing.but it comes and it comes and whiskss itself and somtimes it’s nothing and sometmes we’re just whisked beneath it and buried under it, and with the thousand tonds of the system sliding towards you and the fear of breakage at the bottom then the bowl of cement and water and parks bulges down into the city until the tallest buildings are stretched down into it, and in forced collision condense the thousand different cultures,the power faces you’ve never properly hidden, into an unformed mess and a thousand dead poker faces.

if yiu wrap your hand in, then you can’t put your hand in, lucky duck, wrap your arms around you, wrap your arms around you, around you, now kik, ready, wait, fly, reach, court, bump, fly.this was not and wil never be the workds that responded to in ordert fir uoiu to insinuate that i tyyoped tht vrh jfmo ; eeve pretends that this is a possile wa ro pw halfd thjew qaT and I’m really just confused; because I don’t know hpw I created this, and I don’t known what I greated before this, I just see it rolled up in a notepad and I have no clue what its merits mahy be, but it was fun so it was a worthwhile experiment, even if half the time I felt like I was just presssing at keys blindly and hoping for
wish I could look a pig in the eye and just tell it abruptly that tdsddreajth would be its ending ykno something that works. I’m no so veeeeeery high and one of the first thing that goes there is the lack of memoery of the locatipns of each of the keys on the keybaords, this feels like much more of a gypsy carnival, with all the hands just fingers and everyrhiun punching together in a way that seems almost warlike against each other.

32. Lock Up The Cereal

My friend takes that for sleeping. She was gaining weight all of a sudden. Turns out she was eating boxes and boxes of cereal which she now has to lock in her car at night to prevent…… oooonly cereal.

33. “I Don’t Trust Fruit”

My favorite Ambien Story:

SO is saying goodnight to me, being his normal stuff, but I’m totally freaked. He asks what’s wrong and I tell him, “Listen, I appreciate what you’re doing, but you’re a pineapple and you need to get the fuck out of here. I don’t trust fruit.”

I love fruit.

34. Bloody Fingernail Clippers

I had a roommate who took ambien every night. One night I wake up at like 2 AM and notice the lights are still on, and I go into the kitchen to turn them off when I notice my roommate standing over the sink. I try and get her attention but she’s not having any of it. So I walk over to her to see what she’s doing and look at what she is holding. This made me scared as shit, I thought she was possessed and attacked someone. Her mouth was coated in blood as was her hands. I freak out and ask her what the fuck she did. This is when I notice she had a finger-nail clipper in her hand and it has a nice crimson sheen to it. She had used the clipper to cut a giant chunk of her finger out and was yelling at me that she ‘had to get it out’ as I wretched the clipper from her grasp. I had to take her to the hospital and it was very difficult to explain what happened. As is the case with ambien she had no idea what happened and had to show her photos to make her realize what she did.

35. “Rabbit Time-Machine”

The first time I took it I did home mole-removal surgery with my fingernails. The second time I wrote myself a note with what I thought was the best ever plot for my award-winning novel, however in the morning all it said was “rabbit time-machine".

36. Why I Don’t Take Ambien Anymore

I am a 26-year-old female and I used to take ambien (not anymore). Here was my ambien routine.

I would take my ambien around 8pm, then i would always need to poop when I took ambien after 5 minutes. At this point I am ok, while in the pooping mode, ambien kicks in. By the time I am out of the bathroom I am loopy as hell.

This is where I usually used to feel so good, I could do anything. So I would always experiment with food as it gave me munchies. I used to leap around the house dancing and singing like i was on stage somewhere.

Some of my great disgusting food creations on ambien included, stir fry hotdog with macaroni on top. Place one hotdog, a bunch of ramen fried noodles with egg mixed in, then top it off with some macaroni.

What about the smashed dorrito salad, one salad, with oranges, apples, honey poured in it, cereal dehydrated strawberries, crushed dorritoes and ranch dressing.

Also the occasional not creative WHOLE BAG OF CHICKEN NUGGETS, with made up sauces such as grape jelly, honey and asian dressing.

Obviously I don’t take ambien anymore.

37. In Iraq…On Ambien

I was deployed to Iraq in 2008 and had traveled up to Mosul to work with an assault force there. Literally as soon as I arrived on base at 0200, I was informed I would be working at 0700 the following morning and handed an Ambien and pointed towards a bed. I had ZERO experience with Ambien and took it thinking it would immediately knock me out and i would deal with the slight having to piss feeling in the morning.

Roughly 10 minutes after I passed out I woke up with the most intense feeling of having to pee I’ve ever felt in my life, and was terrified because I had no idea where I was. At this point I look over to the foot of my bed and my A bag (military issue duffel) begins to tell me in the deepest voice I’ve ever heard, that the bathrooms are outside and down to the right.

So I get up, realize I’m in only my boxers, but giving zero fucks so I head outside to hunt down the bathroom following my bags advice I turn to the right and start walking. At this point an assault force is running by to go hit a target and I’m tripping out literally spinning around in circles. While spinning, my bladder reaches a point in which I can’t stop and I reach down, yank my boxers down to my ankles, and while still spinning begin pissing in a circle around me while the assault force continues to run by.

Sometime later I found myself in the bathroom and decide to take a shower, though I have no soap, shampoo, or towel. After showering (or rinsing) I dry myself off with my boxers, throw them over my shoulder, and precede to walk back to my tent absolutely naked. After making it back to my bed I started watching a rat dance around the wooden frame of my bed for the next two hours until I eventually passed out.

The following day I step outside doubting that any of it ever happened until two operators walk up to me and spin in circles laughing, pantomiming peeing.

38. Another Person Shooting Through Their Front Door

I work with a woman that took Ambien for a while.

In the middle of the night, while on Ambien, she went and got her .357 out of the safe, loaded it, and blasted four holes through her front door.

When she woke up in the morning, with no recollection, she saw the bullet holes in the door and called the police, believing someone had shot up her house.

The police quickly realized that the shots had come from inside, asked to see her gun, and determined that it was loaded and recently fired.

She apparently also ate a pack or uncooked, dry, Ramen noodles during the same night, and remembered none of it.

Ambien: Not even once.

39. Emailed An Ex From Over Ten Years Ago

Ah Ambien. I checked my email one morning and saw an email from an ex from over ten years ago, someone that I would never in a million years want to talk to again. Upon reading the email it became obvious that I had emailed him. You do not know the meaning of the word humiliating, until you’ve been told to get lost by someone you would never consciously talk to.

I park behind my apartment building, and if you don’t move your car every few days you risk being ticketed and towed. My car had faulty brakes, and I had no money, so I spent about a month being very panicky about my car. One morning I walked past and it was missing. I assumed it had been towed, but when I called the city had no record of it. I spent some time wondering who would be stupid and dickish enough to steal such a shitty car. And then, a few days later, I found a parking ticket in my apartment. Apparently the meter maid had marked it for towing, I had seen the ticket and moved the car in my sleep. I spent a few hours scouring the area and found it a few streets away.

In my experience Ambien can cause complete amnesia for the time period up to thirty minutes before I actually take the pill, but doesn’t usually. It also changes my personality in such a completely humiliating way that complete amnesia is preferable. I’m a curmudgeon, a misanthrope, an INTP, and Ambien turns me into bubbly happy warm swimmy theworldisgood and I love everyone-person.

Also, I’m not sure why everything is so delicious while on Ambien, but I’m pretty sure I’ve eaten my body weight in a 24-hour period more times than I can count. Either that or I’m flushing it down the toilet or feeding the neighborhood rats. I suppose any of those options is equally plausible.

One annoying thing is that I can never be sure how quickly it’s going to hit my system. It could take 5 minutes or 40. If I misjudge and stay up too long, that’s when the weird stuff happens. Also, it’s not all bad stuff. I’ve been known to clean extensively and wake up to find the dust all vacuumed out of my bathroom vents.

40. Jeff Goldblum

While I was on Ambien, My wife fucked Jeff Goldblum while I was still in bed with both of them. I caught them in the act and then Jeff disappeared. I spent the next little while crawling under the bed covers “looking for Jeff” My wife was laughing in hysterics because I was apparently very disappointed in her because I thought she could do so much better than Jeff Goldblum…

I did snap out of the whole zombie-like dream only to realize what was going on, and how fucking stupid I looked.

I never took it again.

41. Random Shampoo Bottle

I once woke up with a bottle of shampoo in bed with me. It was open and half the bed was covered. It was a water bed, so didn’t soak in, but had to drain bed to clean shampoo from under the mattress.

42. Jogging On Ambien

I woke up early still on it, cloudy minded. In my pj’s I ran 2 miles around my neighborhood, badly. My brother is a runner and wanted to join in so he ran the last mile with me. After words I went right to bed, woke up, and had no memory of it until i figured out why my clothes were so wet.

43. Don’t Ever Do This

I had a beer or two with it. It wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but I didn’t think much of it. I don’t remember anything, but apparently I drove a car..with my friends in it and they said everything seemed fine. Don’t remember a fucking thing about it.

Incredibly scary experience for me after I realized what the consequences could have been.

44. Freeedoooom!!!

Two of my roommates decided to take Ambien one night. I came home from the library and saw a sign on the window next to my front door that read “Rob me and you die.” It was written in crayon. I then had to force my way through the front door because two of my couches were stacked up against it. I walked into my hallway and noticed Irish music coming from my bathroom. When I opened my bathroom door, what I saw was amazing. The lights were off, two candles were lit, and my roommate was sitting on the toilet blasting Flogging Molly on his computer.

It wasn’t until I turned the lights on that I noticed he had used my blue hair gel to paint his face Braveheart style and had used one of his flannel shirts as a makeshift kilt. He also had a a plastic Charmin bag over him, which he said was his body armor. He then proceeded to tell me that he and my other roommate had seen a troll earlier so they began to prepare for the troll’s return visit. They stocked up on weapons i.e. spatulas and dressed up as Braveheart in hopes of protecting themselves.

My roommate said that as soon as they got ready my other roommate ran into his own bedroom, locked the door, grunted, and fell asleep. So now it was up to him to protect the apartment, which explained the couches and sign. I still don’t know why he decided to lock himself into the bathroom though. TC mark

‘Goosebumps’ or ‘Fear Street’? The 13 Juiciest Tidbits We Learned From R.L. Stine’s AMA

Posted: 26 Jan 2016 06:23 PM PST

Screen Shot 2016-01-26 at 9.03.13 PM

You know him from your childhood nightmares: today the mastermind behind the Goosebumps and Fear Street books opened up on Reddit. For an hour users could ask him anything they wanted and he responded candidly. Here’s the most interesting things we learned:

1. At his peak Stine wrote at an incredible pace of one Goosebumps or Fear Street book every 2 weeks. Now he’s down to a leisurely 6 books a year, total.

2. He always knew he wanted to be a writer, and started writing stories when he was 9.

3. Unlike literally every writer ever, Stine’s path to success was pretty easy. As soon as he started writing horror for kids, the books were an immediate success.

4. He thinks his scariest work is The Haunted Mask.

The Haunted Mask
The Haunted Mask

5. In the new Goosebumps movie Jack Black portrays Stine as “meaner” than he is in real life, but he thought it was “hilarious.”

6. Stine’s advice for writers who want to be read: make them wonder ‘what happens next?’

7. SHAMEFULLY there is no Fear Street movie in the works.

8. Stine preferred writing Goosebumps to writing Fear Street — though he “loved killing teenagers” in the latter.

9. He is a confirmed Parrothead.

10. His least favorite books he’s written are The Barking Ghost and Go Eat Worms.

11. All Stine’s work is pure imagination, he’s never had a paranormal experience of any kind.

12. He has a 16-page guide for writers available on his website that anyone can download and use. He also claims he never gets writer’s block:

“My trick: I outline every book before I start to write it. I do a very complete chapter-by-chapter outline. When I start to write, I can’t get writers block because I know what happens next. I’ve already done the thinking part.”

13. He hates cell phones. “Cell phones ruin every scary plot.” Apparently he’s never seen Pulse. TC mark

He Said He Was Going To Marry Me

Posted: 26 Jan 2016 06:00 PM PST

iStockPhoto.com / Pyrosky
iStockPhoto.com / Pyrosky

"I know where we went wrong,” he said. "We had just met and we were already planning for forever. We were going to move to a big city and build a home in a small apartment building with a cat and a dog. We swore they would be best friends. We would get our degrees and travel to new cities to discover new bookstores. We believed that love was enough, that's where we went wrong. We should have known that it wouldn't have lasted."

I stared at him with a glare in my eyes, "I planned for a future with you because I believed we were going to make it. I believed that our love was enough. That's not where we went wrong. We went wrong when one of us believed in our future more than the other." TC mark

40 Wonderful (And Not-So-Wonderful) Truths About Being A Single Woman Today

Posted: 26 Jan 2016 05:00 PM PST

via twenty20/mandilou
via twenty20/mandilou

1. Being single means washing the dishes once a week because it's too much of a hassle to do it more than that… especially when you don't have a dishwasher.

2. Shoveling two feet of snow is exceptionally difficult.

3. Wine is the best/least aggressive alcohol on the market. You can drink it alone without being marginalized as an alcoholic, even though you drink it so much your toothbrush turns purple.
4. Rom-coms are part the death of you and part the rejuvenation of you.

5. Bruce Willis is every single girl's wet dream.

6. You will drunk text the guy that left you for another girl/to pursue a dream even though you promised yourself you wouldn't.

7. You will also drunk text the guy your friends tell you that you shouldn't because he is unavailable/has a girlfriend/doesn't care about you.

8. You will sleep with a stranger because he is hot and has tattoos but you will also understand your credibility as a person when you refuse to go down on him because he offers you cocaine and is an ex-gang member.

9. Don't make excuses for who you are.

10. People will surprise you with their generosity and give you more than you think you deserve.

11. When someone offers to shovel your car out of the snow, take that offer with a smile.

12. You will drink too much while at a bar in Manhattan because you feel like you are dying inside but remember that everyone is dying a little bit so don't beat yourself up.

13. Your job is not who you are.

14. Your passions are what define you.

15. Learn how to make a proper meal for breakfast for the men you have one night stands with. This will make you feel less guilty and will help you when you're snowed in with only eggs and bread.

16. Pizza is not a proper breakfast.

17. Neither is cake.

18. Or coffee.

19. Eat whatever the fuck you want for breakfast.

20. Reading gives you character and helps you understand things you otherwise wouldn't.

21. It's okay to cry in public.

22. People will judge you but it's not your job to prove them wrong.

23. It's okay to cry to a Nicholas Sparks movie.

24. You are not as alone as you think you are.

25. Don't feel guilty when you're alone on a Saturday watching Kevin Spacey movies. You're becoming cultured. This will help you.

26. You don't have to lose weight to attract a man.

27. You're allowed to miss your ex.

28. You're allowed to sleep with your ex even though it makes you feel terrible. You will learn and grow from this experience.

29. You don't have to feel guilty about being selfish sometimes.

30. Frozen pizza is just as delicious as the real thing.

31. Eggs make a great meal any time of the day. Learn how you like your eggs cooked and learn how to make them that way.

32. You will spend too much money on alcohol.

33. Even though your mom pressures you for grandkids, she just wants you to be happy. Don't fall into the pressure. If you want kids, you'll have them when you're ready.

34. Travel whenever you can. Debt can be forgiven. Regret cannot.

35. Don't use an ex as a measuring stick for future boyfriends. This never worked before and it won't work in the future. You will try anyway.

36. Know that you are perfect as you are and you don't need someone else to make you interesting.

37. Don't be afraid to walk around your apartment naked. You will miss the opportunity when it's gone.

38. Porn is not exclusively for men.

39. It's okay to use online dating sites. This is the twenty-first century. Embrace it.

40. Laugh loudly, even if people criticize you, or if people tell you to be quiet. It's not your job to make sure people are comfortable around you. Be yourself, at all times, and you'll survive. TC mark

8 Little Things To Remember When You Feel Like Everything Is Against You

Posted: 26 Jan 2016 04:00 PM PST

margarita.ostr
margarita.ostr

You've had a really down right awful week. Everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong. Just like the saying goes, "when it rains it pours." That's how last week felt for me. My washer broke, my car got towed, my shower stopped draining water, I wasn't getting my paychecks, my roommate and I got stuck driving in the snow and everyone just passed by without any sign of acknowledgement, and that's only the start of it.

I know I'm not the only one who has these weeks, because that's life. As much as it sucked (I almost felt like I was literally just waiting for the next thing to go wrong) it taught me a lot.

solidLine

1. Notice who's there for you when things get tough.

Like I said, my car got towed. My day usually starts around 6 a.m. and who wants to drive someone to work at that time? Apparently, most of my friends. I told them my car got towed and I was actually shocked by how many of them told me I could take their cars or they could drive me where I need to go. Even the old man that lives down the street told me I could knock on his door and he could bring me anywhere if I needed because he saw it happen. These people are special and I appreciate them, so next time one of your friends is in a rough patch help them because you never know when you might need the favor returned.

2. It's never as bad as it seems.

Of everything that happened to me nothing was unfixable. I still have my health, a roof over my head and food in my stomach; I am great. When life starts throwing negative thing after negative thing at you, you need to remember to keep a positive mindset. Even if it's "everything sucks but I'm still happy." Be happy to be alive, you need to experience the lows sometimes to remember how lucky you are on a normal basis.

3. People won't feel sorry for you.

You can throw yourself a pity party, but don't expect others to join in. Everyone might tell you what you're going through sucks, but no one else is experiencing it first hand besides you. Everyone else has their own problems they are going through and they don't have the time or energy to waste sympathizing your life also.

4. Life goes on.

It's only temporary; everything in life is only temporary. It's just a bad day or a bad week, but it's not a bad life. I am extremely grateful for everything I have and I will willingly admit that I am pretty dang lucky. Despite the bad that might be going on, it doesn't mean you should doubt things. Things will turn around and you will be OK.

5. Keep a positive mindset.

I can't stress this enough. Negativity breeds negativity. You know those people who always blame everyone else for their own misery? Or the people who thinks life owes them something? It's because they can't get past the negative mindset. Once you lose a strong positive mindset, you let the toxic, negative one take over that will never result in happiness.

6. Appreciate every little good thing to come out of the awful experiences.

You didn't burn your toast? AWESOME! You slept through the whole night? That's great! If you don't take a minute to appreciate the good things that are happening, even if it's just the little mundane things you never think about like not burning the toast, you'll miss out on a lot of gratitude. If all you have in mind is all the bad things that is all you'll notice, so make sure you appreciate the little things.

7. Be kind to everyone.

This week might be tough on you, but that doesn't mean it's only tough on you. There are more people than just you that are having a bad day or a bad week, so be kind to everyone. You never know what they are going through, and especially after going through your own week of personal hell you would hope everyone would be nice to you, right? So be kind to others. After all it's no ones fault my washer broke, so there's no point in me taking it out on others.

8. Laugh.

It actually helps. Instead of being upset over things going wrong just laugh it off. Grab a glass of wine and laugh about it. Sure it sucks now, but you'll make it through it and everything will go back to normal soon. Redirect the anger you're feeling, I promise it will help you get through it more. TC mark

This is Why I Fuck

Posted: 26 Jan 2016 03:26 PM PST

via Flickr - Ernest Duffoo
via Flickr – Ernest Duffoo

I like to fuck.
I fuck because it’s fun.
I fuck because it’s easy.
I fuck because it’s comforting.
I fuck because it’s numbing.
I fuck because it’s shallow.
I fuck because it’s rough.
I fuck because it hurts.

I fuck because I can’t do anything else to stop the crippling loneliness that fills my heart and mind with cruel thoughts of empty beds, wet pillows, and a room without a light. This is why I fuck.

I like to fuck. Not have sex or make love or whatever else cliché Nicholas Sparks and obnoxious writers and hopeless romantics call it. I like to fuck. F-U-C-K. I like the way it’s spelled, so simple yet inflicting so much. I like how it sounds in my mouth or streaming from someone’s lips. I like how it feels inside of my head eradicating all thoughts except itself. This is why I fuck.

I like to fuck. I like pretending the other person isn’t even there. Fucking removes the anger and sadness and leaves raw emotion. It takes away the evil within my head that infects my chemical makeup with its horrors, and leaves the good that I rarely experience. It’s just pleasure and happiness and feeling. Normally it’s screams of pain that engulf my head. But not when I’m fucking. So I fuck. Maybe I have a problem. I probably do. But then I shut out the thoughts and go back to fucking. This is why I fuck.

The other person doesn’t really matter. Nothing about them is really important. It’s how they make me feel. No matter how much or how little they care for me or I for them: it takes me to a place that I can never escape by myself. It’s not some orgasmic-filled landscape with flowers and butterflies (because I wouldn’t like that anyways) rather it’s where I can feel sane for a short while. I’m not crazy. But I’m not not crazy. I’m depressed and anxious. Like most people, I’m sad. It’s a sadness so interconnected to my being that I’m not sure I can or would exist without it. It affects and destroys every aspect of life: friends, school, work, family, relationships and on the list goes. It so heavily affects everything that I don't just want an escape I crave it at my core. So I fuck.

But it’s a quiet sadness. It stays unnoticed by the common person with the naked eye, like a stalker awaiting your every move. It waits and waits; its patience has no bounds. Until it is creeping up, around me until I’m so utterly engulfed by it that darkness is all I can see. And when it retreats, there are still some shadows that never really fade. So I fuck because in those moments the sadness is shocked away with light and pleasure and everything good. This is why I fuck. TC mark

There Will Be Blood: 11 Men And Women Share Their Hilarious But Horrifying Period Sex Stories

Posted: 26 Jan 2016 03:00 PM PST

Twenty20.com gnsslnrs
Twenty20.com gnsslnrs

1. When we were done, it looked like we had murdered a small animal

"I was arguing with my fuck buddy because of the horrible day-two mood swings. Finally he told me to meet him at an old firehouse to ‘talk.’ I pulled up, got in the car, and before I knew it, I was in the backseat sucking face like my life depended on it. Then I remembered it was day two and car sex was not an option. He was completely unfazed by the thought of a mess and proceeded to turn me on like crazy. Finally I relaxed and the panties came off. Before I could even protest, he pulled out my tampon and threw it out the window! We then proceed to have the dirtiest makeup sex of my life. When we were done, it looked like we had murdered a small animal. We cleaned up as best we could and managed to not stain the seats. Although this was slightly disturbing, it was totally sexy how nothing was going to stop him from giving me the big O."

—Alyssa

2. I thought I was going to jail, she spewed so much blood

"I ate out a girl back in my 20’s when I was pissed drunk. Woke up with blood clot stuff in my beard! That was awesome! I almost puked! Lived thru it, though. Then I banged a chick a couple years ago that I had a fuck fling with and she didn’t tell me she was freaking bleeding and guess what…I thought I was going to jail, she spewed so much blood."

—Johnny

3. I liked the way the blood traced every place we touched one another

"The sex is wetter than wet; my insides are all over him. I'm matted in his pubic hair; I'm spread slick and crimson all over his stomach. I can see the almost-black edges of my blood in his cuticles. There are pink handprints on my back and splotches on my neck. I liked the way the blood traced every place we touched one another, getting almost everywhere. I loved seeing his just-washed sheets still stained by me, and the streaks I'd sometimes get on my toes. I liked that we curled up and slept on the small faded brown pools, a nest all our own, a testament to bodies doing what they do. And I think for me, this was at the crux of my joy. It wasn't a kinky thing—it was just a, ‘this is what your body is doing right now’ thing. He'd kiss down my stomach and slowly part my legs. I'd feel him pause. I'd glance down and watch him with infinite affection as he carefully moved the tiny white thread two inches to the side before licking me. And then I'd say, ‘I want you’ and then…he'd just pull out my tampon."

—Katie

4. when I pulled out, it looked like I was bringing half of her liver with me

"Let me just say before I get into the pros and cons of this, I am one squeamish bastard. Seeing my own blood makes me want to puke. But as well as being squeamish, I’m the horniest guy you’ll ever meet….My solution was simple and brilliant: a red, strawberry-flavored condom….I like strawberries. Anyway, I belted my trooper up in a bright red condom…and went at the job at hand. I was at first pleasantly surprised by the added lubrication, even if the smell was making my stomach churn, and I suddenly empathized with every tampon—I mean at least I’m getting something out of this….Then came the bit I had been dreading: removing my blood-soaked member. I pulled him out and he looked like a battered ‘Nam vet. You see, in my eagerness to have sex, we did it in the early stages, so my cock was like a plunger and when I pulled out, it looked like I was bringing half of her liver with me….Seriously, forget blood drives, she could stock a hospital by connecting a funnel to her vagina once a month. After running to the bathroom with a flaccid penis dripping blood all over the floor, I threw the condom in the toilet and decided to let Ben and Jerry’s be the only thing going inside any girlfriend I have when she’s on her period."

—Robby

5. THE FLOOD OF A THOUSAND PERIODS is unleashed

"I'd been putting off my period by skipping the period week in my birth control for like four months at this point, because I knew he was moving but was so enamored by his giant dick that I couldn't bear missing out before he left. But of course the week before he went, THE FLOOD OF A THOUSAND PERIODS is unleashed. It just broke through, like a scene from The Ten Commandments….He said 'the musk' turned him on. He made me stay at his place for, like, the next three days to capitalize on all the period sex. Like a newly caged feral animal. He ate me out A LOT. No tampon. I was like, 'Why can't I just keep a small tampon in?' And he goes, get this, 'The string grosses me out.'…The worst was when he'd text, 'We haven't had strawberries-and-cream sex in a while.' DON'T RUIN DESSERT, DAVID….He said it was sweet, like actually sugary-sweet. He also said every girl tasted different. Oh God, he’s done period-sex taste tests. Oh God. Oh God."

—Maya

6. Blood everywhere: sheets, his face—it was mortifying

"I was going through a bad breakup, and I just wanted to have a random hookup. My friend introduced me to this guy, I went over to his house, and things started getting hot and heavy, [and] he decided to go down on me. While he was down there, I started my period. Blood everywhere: sheets, his face—it was mortifying. This was the first time we ever hung out, and I had to buy him new sheets. But he was a trouper about it; he just went and brushed his teeth. He became a great friend with benefits. Nothing could have been more awkward than that."

—Kayla

7. THE LOVE BLOOD BOAT

"I hooked up with this guy I met through friends one night at the bar. I went home with him and we went to his backyard where there was a huge boat. It was really dark, but we had sex on the boat. The next morning, back at home, I woke with a hangover and realized that I had gotten my period. I just assumed it happened at home, but I soon learned that wasn’t the case. Turns out the boat I was on belonged to the guy’s father and they had a planned fishing trip the next day. When his father went out to get the boat ready, he found blood all over. Needless to say he panicked and went to wake everyone up and check on them. The guy figured it out when his father woke him and he saw himself and his clothes (which he had slept in). I was mortified when he called me. I was too drunk to realize, and he thought I was just really wet. I assumed he would never speak to me again. I didn’t exactly want to see him again. But despite having to explain to his father and having to clean the boat, he still called me. We hooked up up a few more times—in a bed, not on a boat."

—Lisa

8. I noticed it was feeling a little ‘gritty’ in there

"One thing leads to another and next thing you know she’s topside on this dick, strait Bang Brothers cowgirl uncut and full access. OK, so she’s riding me hard and it’s going down totally like it should. I noticed it was feeling a little ‘gritty’ in there. If you’ve fucked a girl on her period you will understand. I stop in mid fuck at this moment, I’m like 2 blunts deep at this time and one to many blue moons. I seize up and yoink my wiener out.. As my dick is pulled out, it’s like a fucking cork is uncorked. A strait like faucet flow of period blood just pours right out. Like a raindrop from the clouds. I looked at my dick in a dead and blunted stupor, unable to comprehend it. Then I just wiped my dick off with a baby wipe from the side of her bed. I put a grin on my face and just kept trucking, I think I heard a Hendrix album start up in the background somewhere."

—Phil

9. think of the prom scene in Carrie

"I was at a wedding and I was REALLLLY fucking drunk. Like, blackout drunk. There was a guy there who was very cute and I had decided at the beginning of the night I was going to hook up with him. We went back to his bedroom. It didn't start very well because when we were both naked he said "Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with your tits?" I only then remembered that I was wearing flesh-colored nipple covers and it looked like I didn't actually have any. Nipples, that is. Listen, I was wearing a backless dress and it was a cold day. ANYWAY, we finally got down to business and midway through, my period started. The only way I can describe it is to think of the prom scene in Carrie. It was like a murder scene. It was at this stage he told me he had a girlfriend. Yeah. LIKELY STORY."

—Louise

10. I have rode his face and left stains on his chin

"I don’t get why people become so disgusted by periods. You bleed from any body part, no big deal. You bleed from the vagina it’s gross. I have never understood it. I am always at my most horniest whilst on my period and I generally have quite heavy periods. There is no better feeling than my boyfriend ramming it home or gently spending hours licking my swollen clit, easing my aches & pains. I used to feel sorry for him going down on me during a period, I felt guilty but then I realized it doesn’t make any difference to him and now I literally demand it every day whilst during a period. I have rode his face and left stains on his chin and it doesn’t bother him. I don’t even mind kissing him afterwards. My boyfriend bikes to my place & arrives all sweaty sometimes without bathing first & to me if I can suck his dick 3-4 times, swallowing each time, then I ain’t wasting our precious time together washing or worrying about a little red."

—Dani

11. A FURY OF BLOOD & SENSITIVITY

"A few nights ago, I had sex while on my period. And not when I was on the tail end of my cycle, but when it had just started in a fury of blood & sensitivity. It's kind of a big deal. What's even more monumental is that I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it. It was so, so good, & I kind of want to have sex on my period all the time now. The period sex that happened the other night wasn't just an anomaly; by my personal track record, it really shouldn't have happened at all. I had a ‘period headache,’ I was bloated & crampy, & my body was exhausted after trying to push through an active weekend in the face of these conditions. And yet…I gave in to my desire & allowed myself to be seduced by my lover….I have a theory about period sex—that because my body is already in a natural state of release, all of me, every cell in my body, is relaxed, fluid, ready to surrender. During sex, I was unclenched & open; I allowed all of him to enter me, & enjoyed feeling the totality of him inside me. I felt everything more intensely. It was joyful, delicious, intoxicating. And as for the ‘mess’…it didn't even cross my mind until afterward, when we had finished & I was sweaty & he was smiley, & he pulled himself out from inside of me & I saw what we had done. In that moment, I swooned. His crimsoned dick, his belly spotted with my blood, might be (surprisingly) my favorite part of period sex."

—Name Withheld TC mark

Why I Will Always Pick Work Over A Relationship

Posted: 26 Jan 2016 02:00 PM PST

Bench Accounting
Bench Accounting

I am the biggest romantic that I know. I believe in true love, grand romantic gestures, soul mates that stand the test of time. If I don't have children I am ok with this. If I don't get married I will feel like I lost out on one of the best experiences that life could ever bestow on me.

But even after writing this declaration, I am here to write a more significant one. I will always pick my career over any man that will enter my life. And I'm going to stop feeling ashamed of that, of that lie frequently stated to people like me who make comments like this. It goes a little something like "relationships are more important than money and accomplishments."

See, I was given for lack of better words, "a calling" as a child, and this calling has nothing to do with monetary security or stability. I was given the gift of writing – more importantly the passion to pursue writing as more than just a hobby.

In fact if you are the type of person who was given career aspirations at such an early age you almost didn't even recognize it, you know what I mean. You understand that doing what you adore is not a hobby but instead your livelihood. You understand that nothing could make you happier than work that you love and that you find rewarding. Nothing else can make you feel more like… you.

Yes relationships can and should be rewarding, but relationships require another person to be satisfied.

In the element that I am in when I get to a place where the pen is rushing a mile a minute and my thoughts are finally finding their way to paper I am proud of myself, and I don't need anyone else to make me that proud.

Because I have been through that phase of linking facets of my happiness, too much of my happiness, to relationships. More fulfillment than I like has come from being a part of a partnership in which I do not have any control over a major component of it – the other person. Often this has gotten me into more trouble than I care to admit.

When I finally made a healthy decision to put my happiness ahead of someone else, I also made the unconscious decision of putting my life ambition before someone I have not even met. I solidified that contentment should only ever come from the one thing in which I do exert control over and that has never lead me astray.

People who are this devoted to their work will recognize that same sentiment and they will be made aware like me that they cannot marry someone who does not understand that, despite how absolutely perfect that person seems.

Because if there ever comes a time when I cannot passionately pursue the career of my dreams, I would lose the fierce independent streak I assume made a man initially attracted to me, and I would lose the respect and attraction for him with his failure to further encourage me.

Some women have been made to feel guilty for this, the idea of pursuing something with so much determination that nothing will steer them away from their target. They are "cut throat." They are "bitchy." They are "out of touch with reality." Make no mistake about it men assert this same level of confidence in their own aspirations, yet whenever a woman picks their career the first reaction is to belittle her by alluding to her "inevitable" change of heart – when she realizes her husband's dreams are of equal importance to her and it is then she will go out of her way to cater to them as much as she would her own. This is when she stops being "selfish."

If picking my writing, the possibility of book tours and once in a lifetime opportunities that require a change of address and breakup is selfish, then yes I am selfish. I have been working on my career fifteen years longer than any relationship I could enter into in the next few months.

Before I had thoughts about what my wedding dress would look like I had thoughts about what my first book cover would look like.

And the thing is I wouldn't start a relationship with someone who didn't understand this and support this. I wouldn't date someone who would not read my writing or ask me how my latest novel is going. I'd never consider talking to someone who didn't take it all seriously, who laughed off my grand aspirations.

Of course I would never expect anything less understanding of myself if I met another person similar to me who had that same burning passion for their craft.

A connection between two people is irreplaceable, and I hope it never comes down to one or the other, but if it does I'll always remember that the pen is my compass. And anyone who knows me at all knows that I am not going to give that up for anyone, because in essence it would be giving up myself.TC mark

Ranking The Women On This Season Of ‘The Bachelor’: Who Is Bland Enough To Actually End Up With Ben?

Posted: 26 Jan 2016 01:06 PM PST

Hi Everyone! This week we wondered how it’s possible that the success of The Bachelor franchise lends itself to having such a low budget. Does anyone remember last year when they went on an exotic vacation to… South Dakota? This week Ben and his harem are in vegas and instead of doing anything actually interesting the producers force Becca to wear a (white, obvi) wedding dress and have Ben TOTALLY psych her out with an almost proposal. Isn’t that hilarious? SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS GONNA GET PROPOSED TO. LOL. What a funny joke!

Here’s how all the women did this week, ranked from least to mostly likely to end up with Ben at the end:


Our fallen heroes


Amber

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

I don’t get why Amber came back this season. Her style has always been flawless and so I started off really liking her in Chris’ season, but the more time went on the more I realized she really does not have a personality. Like, at all. I think she needs to go home and stop being a bartender and give herself whatever like she thinks all these Bachelors are magically going to give her.

Rachel

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Our unemployed Arkansas princess went home. She didn’t get any screen time this season so I can’t really say anything else about her. Should have talked to an onion on screen, at least then she’d be get the parting gift of an invitation to Bachelor in Paradise.

Hayley

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

As we’ve heard a million times on this season, BEN LIKES GIRLS WHO ARE BUBBLY. (Which, is kind of deeply unsettling in itself — why do you need women to clap their hands and smile for you like a circus seal?). Anyways, he didn’t think it was fair to keep both twins around so instead he pitted them against each other and eliminated one in front of their mom. Cool. Emily the “dominant” twin lives.


still in the running


Olivia

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Olivia describes herself as “strong” and “intimidating” and talks about herself in the third person. She also goes low key batshit this week and then explained her (misplaced) optimism as “I read a lot of romance novels where everything works out in the end). She has zero chance with Ben.

Emily

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

I just can’t get over any self-respecting man going on national TV and then choosing a woman who self-identifies as stupid. Why would you show the world that you a) don’t care about a partner who can take care of herself and b) don’t care about a partner who respects themselves? It’s just bizarre. I am annoyed more people aren’t talking about this but I also feel like it makes it impossible for her to go to the end. It’s a bad look for Ben and for the franchise because it plays into the worst stereotypes of what the show is about.

BTW was anyone else freaked out about how the twins looked without makeup???

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Leah

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Leah gets a rose and seems like Ben’s type (blonde and not-complicated) but at this point her relationship has to be far behind the other women’s because we really haven’t seen much of her at all.

Jubilee

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Ben and Jubilee have this weird, awkward chemistry. It’s really confusing. Maybe next week’s freak out will clear some things up.

Jennifer

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Jennifer is either a dark horse — or the last of the girls who aren’t getting screen time because they’re actually going home soon. I can see Ben liking her — they have a similar look and she’s sweet and sincere enough for him. We’ll have to see what next week brings to make a real decision on her ranking.

Jojo

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

At this point I’m probably inflating Jojo’s rankings because she’s one of the only likeable women left. She’s interesting and driven and fun, which sounds like way too much for Ben — but a good character to root for.

Lauren H

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Last week I said Lauren H couldn’t win because she was like the platonic form of a kindergarten teacher as a personality. But I’ve since revised my opinion because Ben is so bland this is probably what he wants in his ideal wife.

Amanda

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

We haven’t seen a lot from Amanda, but she’s so meek and helpless and pretty that I feel like Ben has a huge boner for her the producers just haven’t had time to give an arc yet.

Becca

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Becca is so awkward and cardbord-y that it’s hard to think of anyone being excited to date her despite her incredible good looks. However, Ben is secretly an evangelical Christian (the producers don’t really let them broadcast this on the show) so pure, virginal Becca has a great shot with him because they share those interests and values. He’s said that is THE most important factor in picking his future wife (you know, as long as it comes in a gorgeous package like Becca).

ALSO: I am absolutely crazy about the Manson-inspired hippie dress the producers put her in for the wedding ceremonies — anyone know who makes it???

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Lauren B

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Lauren B is all of Ben’s three favorite things: little and bubbly and blonde. She gets the group date rose and Ben seems to really like her and she seems perky enough that I can’t see her causing enough trouble to warrant any kind of elimination other than him simply falling for someone else.

Caila

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Sweet, fragile, personality-of-a-wet-piece-of-tissue Caila… just the kind of girl an Indiana softboy like Ben dreams of white knighting. Still the frontrunner (though probably a red herring one, knowing how past seasons go) until some drama thrusts her from the stage.


Burning questions for next week’s episode


Who does Ben describe as ‘fully wife material’???

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Dear God, why is this happening???

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

How many times will Olivia make this face???

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Olivia calls Amanda’s life “and episode of Teen Mom” LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

Will we as an audience ever get tired of watching beautiful people whine about how unloveable they feel???

ABC's The Bachelor
ABC’s The Bachelor

See you next week! TC mark