Thought Catalog

Why You Can’t Get Over The Asshole

Posted: 05 Jan 2016 08:00 PM PST


It feels good to think of exes as caricatures, rather than as people. They hurt us in some way, and we’re angry, and now our brain has to find some way to acknowledge that pain, make sense of it, and control it. So we develop The Asshole – the person who ruined our life, broke us, betrayed our trust, and destroyed our capability to ever believe in love again.

For a while it’s like a lighthearted joke; our friends throw jabs at them to make us laugh and cheer us up, we talk about all the horrible downsides to dating them. But then little by little, everything in our life starts to be traced back to The Asshole. They’re the reason why we gained twenty pounds, they’re the reason why we got a negative performance review at our job, they’re the reason why our social life has collapsed, they’re the reason why we can’t get out of bed on a Sunday afternoon. They did something to us – broke up with us, lied to us, cheated on us, left us for someone else, sometimes all of the above. And so, deservingly, we mourned the relationship. We rested our tender soul. We attempted to nurse our broken heart back to health. Our friends and family told us to take our time, that it was totally normal to be sad and crushed, that we should be allowed to go easy on ourselves.

But somewhere along the line, that heartbreak turned into an excuse. The person who hurt us stopped becoming a person and instead became The Asshole – a one-dimensional character on a teen drama whose sole purpose for existence revolved around ruining our life and being the cause of anything bad that happened to us. We hated The Asshole, and yet, somewhere deep in our subconscious, we were thankful for him or her, because they became the point around which our whole life revolved. They’re what we blamed our hardships on, they were the first thing we wanted to talk about when someone asked What’s new?, they were the jumping off point from which we developed our identity (I’m broken, I’m alone, I have trust issues.)

At some point The Asshole became inseparable from who we are. They’re the reason why we have a cold exterior, they are the cause for our loneliness, they’re to blame for our lack of direction. Eventually it is no longer about a three-dimensional person who made a mistake and did something to hurt us. It is instead about an age-old archetype who has become our life compass and the point around which everything else in our life orbits. We don’t want to let go of them, we don’t want to stop thinking about them, we don’t want to get over them – because they are no longer someone who screwed up, someone who hurt us, someone who did something that temporarily ruined us. Instead, they are our identity, our new normal. They are our story.

It feels good to think of our love lives like stories – everything has a purpose, every action has meaning, every piece of dialogue is useful. We live in a world full of stories – stories we read in books, stories we see in movies, stories we watch for hours in a row on Netflix. Stories can be fun, light, empowering, encouraging. But stories can also be dangerous, like when we allow ourselves to become a character that things happen to, instead of a living, breathing person who makes their own choices.

This is when The Asshole becomes a danger to us, as oppose to a coping mechanism. In the beginning of our heartbreak, it’s fun to hate on them, to call them names, to badmouth them with our friends. But at some point, it goes too far, and we become a character in The Asshole’s story, instead of the writer of our own. Usually, the reason why we cannot get over The Asshole is because we’re not yet ready to break them down. We’re not ready to forgive them and forget them, to come to terms with the fact that they are a human being, to acknowledge that they hurt us (very deeply) but that they cannot control our life. We’re not ready to let go of The Asshole because we’ve let the breakup become who we are, instead of allowing it to be one experience (of many) that’s helped to shape us.

The Asshole is just a person. Just an experience. Just a tough memory. But they are not who we are. They are not our scapegoat. They are not our story. TC mark

5 Real Sex Stories That Will Make You Really Horny (Part VI)

Posted: 05 Jan 2016 07:15 PM PST

Shutterstock, AS Inc
Shutterstock, AS Inc

1. When a college girl thirsts for her mom's new man.

“I was back from school for winter break when I met my mom's new boyfriend for the first time. My parents divorced when I was five, so it wasn't like it was traumatic or anything to meet the guy. I didn't expect him to be so damn hot, though. He's a personal trainer, and fit as hell—six-pack-abs-and-ripped-arms fit, like you see in advertisements for weight loss supplements and gym memberships. When he rang the doorbell one night around 6pm looking for my mom, who was out at the time, I decided to play hostess in my comfy but clingy sweats. I invited him inside and poured us each a glass of wine.

Two hours later, we were two bottles deep and neither of us had heard from my mother. I made the first move, touching his knee and then sliding my hand up his inner thigh. When I got to his crotch, he leaned back and said, ‘Fuck it!’ Then he stood up. I stood up too, on the seat of the couch. Then I jumped into his arms, legs wrapped tightly around his waist and impressively firm ass. His dick felt so good poking through his pants, rubbing up against my vagina, I knew I could orgasm from dry humping him just like that. But I wanted him inside me, so I reached down and grabbed it. We fucked—fast—in the laundry room, where we had a view of the driveway in case my mom came back. Most of our clothes were still on, and we powered up the washer so it would vibrate beneath me as he pumped and pumped, deeper and deeper. It was the dirtiest thing I've ever done, and I’d do it again.”

— Female, 21

2. Seven minutes in high school heaven.

“Last year, as a junior in high school, I was at a house party in my buddy's attic while his parents were out of town. We were all boozing, downing whatever beer or liquor we could skim off our parents when this girl stopped the music suddenly and announced that it was time to play Seven Minutes In Heaven. Sounds lame, maybe, but there’s not much to do in the burbs. I got tossed in the closet with this average looking girl but I was okay with it since she had above average tits.

When she explained that she’d never given head before, but wanted to try, I was obviously psyched. I unbuttoned my pants and sat down on the carpeted floor and she approached my erection with equal parts fascination and ambition. She started massaging my balls and licking my cock like she really wanted it. I swear she must've watched some Jenna Jameson tutorials online or something because she had skills, man. I couldn’t believe it was the first blowjob she'd ever given. When I came, she swallowed it all up like it was the best vanilla milkshake she’d ever had. Then she wiped her mouth with her wrist, and whispered, ‘I’ll be waiting in the guest room after this. Come fuck me when you’re ready.’ If only it were always that simple.”

— Male, 18

3. When gal pal sexting goes to the next level.

“I've never sexted a guy, like, ever, because my parents used to hammer me nonstop with stories about girls whose reputations were totally ruined by naked photo scandals. Thing is, I'm addicted to frexting, which is essentially sexting, except you do it with a trusted girlfriend who’s way less likely to share your career compromising photos with a thousand of her closest friends. I love sending my besties sexy pics and waiting to see how they respond. I'll get a little stoned and put on my best cleavage-y bra and a matching thong or maybe a silk camisole and boy shorts and sprawl out on my futon and snap 'til I get a shot worth sending. Then I caption it with something funny and flirtatious and wait for my friend to one-up me.

What I never suspected is that things would ever escalate from there. But the other night, instead of hitting me back with a frext, one of my best friends barged right into my dorm room, grabbed my ass, and started tonguing me. I squirmed in shock for approximately three-point-five seconds before melting into her rough but tender embrace. I'd never experimented with a girl and it was weird at certain points, like when our boobs grazed for the first time, but weird in a hot way. When she inched her head down between my legs, I was more nervous than I’ve ever been during oral sex. But I relaxed as soon as I realized how amazing it is to be eaten out by someone who understands vaginas firsthand. I returned the favor, of course, and I can honestly say I like licking pussy more than sucking dick. I don't think I'm bisexual, exactly, but who knows!”

— Female, 20

4. Long lost hook-up buddies meet (and fuck) again.

“The other day I was on Facebook cyberstalking every woman I've ever slept with because my wife and I separated a month ago and I'm pretty psyched to be back on the market, free to fuck whoever I want without any guilt. Tinder's great, but sometimes I ache for something a little more familiar. So I messaged this girl I haven't seen—clothed or naked—in at least ten years, and she hit me back immediately. Turns out she split from her husband a few months back and she was craving some action too.

That same afternoon, I went over to her place while her kid was napping. She answered the door with two shots of tequila in hand so we could toast our reunion. Then she hugged me, pressing her breasts into my chest, and nodded towards the couch. Without missing a beat, I scooped her up into my arms and started nibbling on her neck, remembering with each taste of her flesh how great she'd been at dirty talking in our twenties. We fucked in the living room, her on top, flicking her own nipples like a pro as she rode me, whispering all sorts of sexy shit in that seductive voice of hers. Fifteen minutes after we both came, she wanted it again, so I gave it to her—in the kitchen, from behind this time. After round two, we sipped coffee together naked at her dining table and scheduled another meet-up for the following week. I'm getting hard just thinking about banging her again.”

— Male, 34

5. A truly trippy romp in the grass.

“I'm not into drugs, but when the guy I'd been crushing on for ages asked me to shroom with him second semester senior year, I couldn't say no to a psychedelic experience with the dude of my steamy college dreams. The magic mushrooms were actually rolled into small chocolates, so they seemed pretty innocent, and they weren't hard to stomach. After we ate them, we walked to this remote corner of campus with a cooler of beers and some chips to snack on.

By the time we started tripping we'd finished a six-pack, so we were good and buzzed. We stripped, clumsily, down to our underwear and rolled around in the grass laughing our faces off for what seemed like an hour before he finally made his move. When he touched me, it was like a thousand male hands were caressing my flesh all over at once. I felt him massaging my pussy, breasts, neck, and thighs simultaneously. It didn't matter that I was hallucinating. It was incredibly sexy. I orgasmed three times, seizing with pleasure throughout every climax. I didn’t even know I was capable of feeling that unbelievable.”

— Female, 22 TC mark

15 Fake Memoirs That Summarize The 20-Something Female Experience More Accurately Than Any Actual Book

Posted: 05 Jan 2016 07:00 PM PST

1. 'I'm Five Minutes Away' And Other Lies I Tell On A Regular Basis


2. Do I Really Love Him Or Is He Just Tall?


3. If All I Wear Is Black, Can People Tell I Only Own One Pair Of Leggings?


4. The Defining Decade: Are You Going To Keep Microwaving Dino Nuggets Or Learn How To Actually Cook?


5. Fangirl: How Old Are The Members Of This Boy Band And Is It Ok I'm Crushing On One Of Them?


6. Goodbye To All That: Deleting 'Guy From Bar' Out Of Your Phone Contacts Forever


7. 'I Don't Care If You're In Banking': One Woman's Search For A Recent Male College Graduate Who Didn't Major In Econ


8. Does This Guy Want To Date Me Or Is He Just Not An Asshole?


9. Ignoring Your Parents' Phone Calls & Other Survival Techniques


10. Toooooooootally A Feminist, But Still Wondering Why Won't He Text Me First?!


11. Traumatizing Stories Of Not Knowing Your Read Receipts Were On


12. Conversation Topics For That Moment At Lunch With Your Best Friends When Everyone Has Taken 15 Minutes To Talk About Their Respective Love Lives And Then Everyone Kinda Quietly Sighs In Acknowledgment That, Yeah, You're Still Single


13. Don't Do Drugs: Why The Thrill Of Canceling Plans Is Good Enough


14. Is Now A Good Time To Upload This Photo To Instagram? (And Other Daily Stresses)


15. How To Handle Accidentally Sending A Screen Shot Of A Conversation To The Person You Were Having Said Conversation With.


TC mark

How It Feels To Kiss A Stranger Who Isn’t Them

Posted: 05 Jan 2016 06:00 PM PST


It is 11 pm on your 22nd birthday and everyone you love begins pouring into the building. Well, almost all of them. It’s dark and the moon isn’t bright enough to illuminate that one spot you’ve been reserving for someone who won’t be coming. It’s fine, it’s fine, you convince yourself.

You’ll smile and thank everyone for helping you celebrate. Shots are spilling and everyone is laughing so loudly, you can’t even hear your own thoughts. Everything is buzzing and electric, smells like whisky and rum. You feel warmer than you did at 10 pm. You’re hugging your best friend and nothing hurts. You don’t need anyone else here. Would you even have room? You wonder.

The boy you’ve had a crush on off-and-on for two years shows up. He has a beautiful and infuriatingly kind girlfriend, but you’ve learned how to tuck away your feelings. Well, almost all of them. It’s not your fault his face is so stupidly cute.

He gives you a huge “birthday hug” and for a second, you let yourself imagine he is yours. His touch is warm and you’re hoping people can’t tell how much every inch of you is melting into his embrace. Time slows down. You want to freeze it, hang it on your wall, look at it whenever you’re longing for his mouth.

Someone calls an Uber and the first group piles inside. 50 Cent’s “In Da Club” blasts through the speakers and the contagious laughter is bubbling up again. This is the lightness you’ve been desperately searching for. That maybe things can be fun and silly, not just soaked in loneliness and regret. You allow your lips to relax and sing along, obnoxiously. Loudly. Unapologetically. It’s your birthday, dammit.

You end up in a bar you’ve never been before, talking to people you’ve never met before. People are dancing and sweaty, a blur of faces you love and ones you’re just meeting.

You notice someone across the room wearing a sweater he has, that they move just like he does. You hear a laugh and swear it’s the same one you used to feel rattle your chest late at night. You chalk it up to a tipsy hallucination.

You pull out your phone to check for text messages. “Happy birthday!!” and other various forms of the same sentiment litter your inbox. It’s like everyone in the universe is sending something your way. Well, almost everyone.

Suddenly you are talking to a boy and he is cute, you think. People are pushing you two together and drinks keep getting purchased. “It’s your birthday, you deserve to have fun!” a friend whispers in your ear.

This boy, with dimples and light hazel eyes, puts his hand on your shoulder and you’re even warmer than you were at 11 pm. The man with the same sweater isn’t visible anymore. Or maybe, you’re just not looking.

The boy kisses you and you are kissing him back. You won’t remember how it started and you won’t really care. It’s your birthday, dammit.

You’ll kiss him and say goodbye, take down his phone number, delete in the morning. You’ll kiss him and pretend it feels alright. Well, almost. TC mark

Someday I’ll Write About You, But Not Today

Posted: 05 Jan 2016 05:00 PM PST

Megan Ashley-Rose
Megan Ashley-Rose

“Will you ever write about me?”

The sentence trickles out of your mouth with that same, stupid, goofy smile I’ve grown way too excited about seeing. Whether it’s over from the screen of my smudged phone while we FaceTime from the bar, or from behind a pillow at hour in the morning where we both should be sleeping. That smile makes my heart believe in things I’d once forgotten about. That smile is too much.

So there you are, asking questions I don’t have the answer to but the grin on your face makes me want to tell you anything that will keep you around, even if just for a second.

“Have you written anything about me?”

There are so many stories in my head. Some about what has already happened, some about what I wish would. I’ve painted pictures of how you made me melt the first time you said, “You’re here,” to me as I stepped in your direction. I could write a novel filled with what would happen were there not miles separating us.

I’ve started so many paragraphs, so many essays, so many things about you and just stopped. Not for lack of trying, because I write about you every night when there’s only one glass of wine on my table where there should be two. Not for lack of inspiration, because you are what muses are made of. It’s because of a lack of confidence.

Because I’m certain that once I do the permanence of something where you are the central player will have a permanence that you and I will never have.

I’ve put off immortalizing you in saying what I have to say because once I do, you’re no longer mine. It’s putting you out into the world to be poetry for someone else. And as long as I keep you in my head, no one else can touch us.

Even when there is nothing to touch.

Even when there is no us.

Because darling, I know you’re a work of art. I know that I could write sonnets about how it felt when you held me and songs about the way you grabbed my face with both hands when you kissed me for the first time. I know that I could come up with metaphor upon metaphor for how at home it was to finally hold you close and I know that I would never be bored of describing the way your skin felt against mine.

But I don’t.

And I don’t because once I do, that’s it.

Once I write about you, my words are all we’ll ever have.

I know I’m holding off on penning those poems, finalizing those fantasies, or hitting publish on those pages because you aren’t here. You’re behind texts and unbooked plane tickets and not holding my hand or pouring your own glass of Pinot Grigio. You’re far away instead of within reach; a phone call away but still away. You’re past highways and speeding tickets, instead of rolling over in my bed from across 600 sq ft and shooting that stupid, stupid smile in my direction.

I’m holding off on making you a story because once I do, you’re no longer mine.

And I so, so wish you were mine.

“What are you writing? Is it about me?”

For the time being, no. Someday I’ll write about you. I’ll write about the words I swallowed down instead of whispering them into your ear and the things you did to my body and my heart that made me want to believe that people are good and that you still care about me.

Someday I’ll write every word that you deserve and shout your name into the universe and let people be jealous of all the things we were and all the things we never got the chance to be.

But not today.

Today I’m keeping you hidden. Today I’m keeping you behind closed doors. Today I’m keeping you under lock and key and close to a heart that you never knew you had.

That you never even asked for.

No, today I am keeping you mine. TC mark

23 People Share The Most WTF Thing They Ever Saw At A Party

Posted: 05 Jan 2016 04:00 PM PST

Flickr / 3dpete
Flickr / 3dpete

Originally found on R/AskReddit

1. Pharmacy robber

This kid from high school thought it was cool to take people’s prescriptions at parties. Well, this one particular bottle on the counter was dog de-worming pills. He took a handful while he was drunk. Twenty minutes later he starts crapping himself uncontrollably. So he was de-clothed and laid in the bathtub for the rest of the night to wallow in his own dump.

2. Party pool

We set up a kiddie pool on top of mattresses and filled it with approx. 25 gallons of vanilla pudding for wrestling. It was the day before St. Patty’s, so someone had the bright idea food color it green. People wrestled in it, kiddie pool breaks, entire basement is covered in 1-2″ of green pudding.

3. Pranking a cop

Standing outside a fraternity party I watched a bike cop have his bike stolen.

Cop stopped a kid for an open container. About 30 seconds after he got off his bike another guy jumped on the bike and took off. The cop started running after him, and the guy ditched it after about 100 ft. Another guy coming from the opposite direction grabbed it, and took off past the cop.

Don’t know if they ever found the bike, but that neighborhood was heavily patrolled for the next couple weeks.

4. Did they want to sleep with it?

Living in the country, parties can get.. weird. I once saw, at least it seemed that way, four people get a horse drunk and then ride it (not all at the same time).

5. The Amish attacked the party!

I was at a party in a field that got crashed by Amish kids once. They seriously just rolled up out of nowhere and started raiding our coolers, cracking beers and trying to fit in with us. Some of them (mostly the guys) were douchebags, but the chicks were actually pretty cool.

6. Jesus…

Party at a ranch and the cops busted it. Kids in halloween costumes and horses who somehow got loose were running crazily through the streets. Almost everyone was either high or drunk.

In addition to the cops, the owners of houses around the party were shooting guns in the air to scare the kids away. The funniest part though, was that a kid was handcuffed to a tree well before the party got busted and had to watch as everyone ran away.

7. BJs for everyone or nah?

I was maybe 15-16 and my friend’s mom went out of town for a few days. He threw a party. He’d been bragging about a chick from upstairs who would give him blowjobs before their parents got home from work, and that she would be there to take care of the boys… she was!

I was next in line for mine, when there was a loud banging at the front door. A woman rushed in, pushed me aside, and threw open the bedroom door to find her daughter with a cock in her mouth.

She punched the guy in the head a few times, then dragged the girl out by the hair, both of them screaming at each other in Chinese.

Too bad there weren’t camera phones back then.

8. Drunk architects

Went to a party at a large farmhouse quite a while ago, where there was a pantry full of tinned goods in all shapes and sizes. At around 4 AM I go in to the kitchen to get a drink and two guys are in the pantry and they’ve spent the entire night building a 7ft+ pyramid made of tinned food items.

Honestly that shit was so impressive, it’s a shame it happened over 7 years ago and I don’t have any photo evidence of this marvelous feat.

9. The country is a scary place

A hay bale, on fire, and pushed down a back road with a dodge pickup. Impromptu cow riding. Pulling seadoo’s and boat on dirt roads. Battering ramming a camper into a fire pit. Playing paintball from junker vehicles that still run.

10. Caribbean wedding gone wrong (or very right?)

Two close friends had a destination wedding in the Caribbean. They ditched the reception, so there was no bouquet throw, conga line or anything.

It was an open bar, so everyone got wasted. The bride’s uncle punched me, a random guy pulled my hair. We created a mosh pit, which became so slippery the DJ had to make a short pause so it could be mopped.
One of my friends wanted to run into the sea, another was screaming “Orgy!” and “Hooray for sex!” every now and then.

After that, we went to a bar where we met the wedding photographers. One of them hit on one of my friends, and we are pretty sure he roofied a couple of us.

The next morning I had my second worst hangover, and at one point there were bridesmaids puking at the sink, toilet and bath tub at the same time.

The kicker? It was a rather conservative Christian wedding.

11. WTF??

Some guy decided it would be idea to see if it was possible to make dog-human hybrid so he tried to get in bed with a girl and brought his dog with him. FORTUNATELY she came to her senses and GTFO of there.

12. Oh Andy…

I was at a party with Andy. He isn’t the smartest drunk.. So Andy, drunk off his ass, stumbles over to the fire pit, looks at the fire, and passes out falling face first into it. Pretty scary shit.

You know how kids will fuck up sometimes but instead of quickly fixing what ever they fuck up, they just sit there and stare at it? Well the same thing happened with all the people standing close to Andy, they just watched him and his clothing start to catch fire.

The people’s reactions are what caught my attention so I ran over and a few other people helped me “stomp” Andy out. (We didn’t actually stomp on him)

He had some pretty bad burn marks but surprisingly didn’t have a great deal of damage.

13. Please say this is fake.

A guy on his hands and knees wearing only tight black leather boxer briefs and a matching mask with shockingly realistic-looking antlers was moaning and grunting “oh yeah, make me dash away” as a young woman with a Santa Claus hat relentlessly slammed a huge black boot against his ass, harder and harder each time.

After staring at this spectacle for some amount of time that I wasn’t quite able to gauge (there were about twenty other people in the room at the time, most of whom were staring in shocked silence, as I was) and the woman had stopped and set the boot down for a moment, I heard the guy mutter in a low voice that was almost inaudible from the leather over his mouth, “light up the tree.” With no hesitation, the woman pulled a stun gun from out of her pocket and took it to the front of his briefs.

As mixed yet uniformly strong responses came from the other spectators around me and the guy shrieked into the carpet upon which he collapsed, apparently at the zenith of pleasure as well as pain, I turned away and headed for the door. I had been there for a while by that point anyway.

14. Parties at Crystal’s house doe…

I have seen some shit…

When I was young there was a house. This house was a place of parties, and those parties where things of legend. You have not been to a party until you went to a party at Crystal’s house. Here are a few small stories.. just a taste really.

One of the earlier parties got a little congested. People had a hard time moving around upstairs, so someone decided to make a little bit of space in our host’s bedroom by throwing all her furniture out the window.

One of the later parties involved an abduction. A pick up truck backs into the driveway and four or five guys hope out. They call for one of the local farm type guys and he comes out with a few other people. As soon as the farm guys comes out the visitors all jump on him, and before anyone can even react they’ve tossed him into the back of the truck and they’re speeding away. After beating him for a bit they tossed him out of the back of the truck.

One of the regular party attendees had a habit of pissing everyplace when he drank. The fireplace, the jacuzzi (stand up on the edge pissing, not while sitting in the thing like a normal drunk), and once right in the middle of our host’s bedroom. The latter wouldn’t have been all that crazy except that several football players from the next town happened to be in the kitchen below. Imagine their delight when someone’s spilled beer stated dripping from the ceiling above. Now imagine their conviction for retribution when they found out if was piss. He managed to escape without loosing his teeth, but someone had to watch him at all the future parties. On a side bar: The last time I saw our protagonist he was shuffling down the road, towards his home, with his shoe laces tied together.

Right at the apex of one of the larger parties a reclusive punk type shows up. He acknowledges no one and makes his way the hosts pantry with a box. He steals every single bit of food from the house and once he’s loaded his car he returns to the house, heads to the fridge, and dumps one of the ice cube trays from the freezer into the sink. He then proceeds to piss in the tray before putting it back into the freezer. Without saying a word he looks around as us all watching him and without saying a thing he leaves. No one says a word about it, like it was normal. The silence about the event continues to the next day until when our host is spotted getting herself a tall glass of ice-water…

15. Frat bros can be the worst

Few years ago my former housemates throw a new years eve party with mostly people they know, I was outside the friend group and new to the house. One fratty guy gets wasted, opens a cabinet, and knocks some glasses that break on the floor.

I hear the smash and being sober go to try and clean up the mess. Fratty guy starts harassing me about being a stick in the mud and how I am a mother hen (I hadn’t met this fucko until that night). So I tell him to step on the broken glass and he gives me this dead eye stare, removes his shoe and sock and just stomps on the broken glass.

I went out to a bar and had a great rest of new years. Bonus : the kitchen floor was covered with dried blood and glass for 5 days afterward. Not my mess, fuck those people.

16. Aunt Wendy needs help

I’ll never forget this one. I’m waiting in line to use the bathroom, I’m like 11 at the time, and this woman called Aunt Wendy (she wasn’t anyone’s aunt but insisted on being called Aunt Wendy) comes in drunk out of her mind. She goes over to a fax machine sitting on a shelf, pulls down her pants, sits down, and tries to pee on the fax machine.

My mom runs in the same time someone is exiting the bathroom, grabs Aunt Wendy and shoves her into the bathroom. My mom is holding the door shut, I went to go get the man in charge, and the other people in line are laughing their fool heads off. So I get Bobby, the guy in charge, we get to the room, and can hear Aunt Wendy screaming out that she’s trapped in a room of doors and can’t get out.

Mom again sends me to find her husband. I do, run back and all is quiet, we open the door, no Aunt Wendy. We look in the shower, nope. Then my mom sees a small towel closet behind the door. Open it, sure enough, there’s Aunt Wendy, climbed onto one of the shelves and fell asleep, curled up like a cat. And I might mention that all this happened before 830 at night. Aunt Wendy parties hard and fast.

17. Help.

Saw a dude shit in a breadmaker that was in the kitchen cupboard, and then put it back.

18. Holy Fuck.

My friend got zapped by an electric fence…while we were high on LSD. it was fucking wild. she said she has never been so high in her life and she was giggling for hours afterwards.

Also saw a girl graffitiing a wall in her own blood at a party in Peru.

19. No more birthday parties

At a friend’s birthday party. First her 14 or 15 year-old brother is putting full-sized cigars out on his arms…later her boyfriends mom comes down and is asking people to motorboat her. Then she knocked over a candle and spilled hot wax all over her son’s hair/clothes/ face. I saw so many weird things happen at that house

20. Wine bottle bathroom?

A kid taking a piss in a white wine bottle then closing it and putting it back with the rest of his parents collection…


I will never forget the image of an old man with both fists up a separate asshole. Berlin fetish parties truly do live up to the hype.

22. And those chairs were never the same…

At my 21st birthday everyone got LIT. Like were eating vodka gummy bears, doing tons of shots, I made jungle juice so basically everyone was drunk and sweaty and nasty. We were outside on my porch and a girl who I was sort of friends with was kind of pacing strangely.

She proceeded to go over to my neighbor’s porch and sit on one of their wicker chairs and we just heard her sigh. When I went over there to check on her it was deadly obvious she had just peed all over the chair and the cushion. We didn’t really know what to do so we just took her upstairs, changed her, and put her to bed. Never told my neighbor!

23. Bombs away?

I absolutely had sex with a guy on a balcony once not knowing there were people below us listening to the entire thing. But joke’s on them because he threw a used condom over the rail and it totally landed on one of their feet. WHOOPS. TC mark

23 People Confess To Their Most Disgusting Personal Habit

Posted: 05 Jan 2016 03:00 PM PST

Shutterstock / PathDoc
Shutterstock / PathDoc


"I smell my panties before I put them in laundry. Just to make sure all is good :)"


"When I’m on my period, in the shower I’ll put my fingers up inside my vag and scoop out bloody tissue. I truly believe it helps shorten shark week."


"Those little white bumps on your nipples? I squeeze them. I could be sitting on the toilet and done with my business, but still be in there an hour squeezing my boobs. I know I’m not supposed to, but oh well~"


"I get this gunk under one of my big toenails every so often. Nothing is more satisfying than pulling that stuff out. Also, it smells like parmesan cheese."


"My scalp has been a bit dry lately and gets a bit of dandruff. I take a pen cap and run it across my scalp to collect some and fill the cracks in my desk at the office. Trying to see how much I can get in there."


"I dig out my earwax and let my cat lick it off. He loves it. I’ve tried this with a few other cats too, and so far 100% love it. You’re probably going to try it now, you dirty bird."


"I have plaque psoriasis and sometimes it itches like crazy. Sometimes if nobody is looking, I’ll grab a butter knife from the utensil drawer and scratch my scabby back with it. I usually wipe it on my pants and return it to the drawer. I also occasionally itch my scalp and comb my hair with a fork and then return it to the proper location in the utensil drawer."


"Probably brushed my teeth less than 50 times in the past 2 years."


"Sometimes when I get food out of my teeth, I will eat it. It could have been sitting there for hours—I will even take a good look at it. No food can escape from me."


"I snot-rocket into the inside of my shirt if I can’t find a tissue or napkin."


"I pick my toe jam and smell it. It smells almost as good as the dead skin from my balls."


"I use a pen cap from the cheap Bic pens and I itch the inside of my ear canal/dig out earwax. I wipe it in a paper towel, so maybe it’s not a disgusting habit…but I always worry that my wife will walk in on my with a pen cap stuck in my ear and wonder just what kind of weirdo she married."


"At night when my wife goes to sleep I roll on my side and pluck my ass hairs out using my fingers. Some are easy and some require a good yank. It feels good though. I let them fall next to the side of the bed. I then smell my fingers. Sometimes it’s bad enough I have to get up and wipe. Sometimes it tolerable enough that I give ’em a few more enjoyable sniffs and get back to work until I feel sufficiently de-plucked. Sometimes in the middle of it I have to roll to the other side and switch hands because my fingers on the starter hand will cramp up. I think she would leave me if she found out."


"I’m a girl and sometimes if I have to shit really bad but it’s just not coming out, I’ll push my middle finger in my vag and massage the thin wall so the poop will come out easier. Like I push on it and stuff, because there’s just a thin layer of skin between your vagina and ass tube so you can feel the log of shit."


"You know how babies learn things by putting everything into their mouths? That is also a 27-year-old me. Noticed a white substance on my work ID, put the ID into my mouth, found out it was icing from the cupcake I ate the day before. That flaky stuff on my palm? Glue. The stain on my sweater? Toothpaste! I don’t even think about it anymore. It’s instinct. I usually just hope for food."


"I Dutch Oven myself and I absolutely loooove it. This one time I cut up an entire bag of shallots (and ate them in a meal) and my farts literally smelled exactly like raw shallots (not even like fart) and it was awesome. I just kept farting and inhaling over and over again."


"I squeeze tiny bumps on my skin, trying to pop zits that don’t actually exist, and end up digging into the skin, causing infection and swelling and more pus and an actual problem."


"Sometimes when the skin on my big toe is particularly callused, I will bend down and chew it off with my mouth. Sometimes I swallow."


"I'm pretty sure most (OK, probably some) women smell their own vagina and like it. It’s a strange fascination, sort of liking your own farts."


"Sometimes if I do a fart in my pajamas I stick my nose down there to get a whiff. I also stick my finger in my belly button and sniff it; it’s oddly nice."


"Pulling off my toenails. I do this a lot when I can’t sleep and it’s gone so far that my left big toenail grows in if I don’t keep up and my left little toenail is just gone."


"I have one random hair on my shoulder that grows hella long for some reason. Once every few months I’ll have to find it (it’s white and pretty fine, so it isn’t really visible) pull it out and I’ll lay around staring at it for a while pondering why the fuck it grows in the first place."


"Whenever I pop pimples, I roll the pus around in my fingers and smell it. The worse the smell, the more satisfying it is." TC mark

A Complete Ranking Of The Women On ‘The Bachelor’: Limo Exit Edition

Posted: 05 Jan 2016 02:14 PM PST

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

In the first episode we follow Softboy Ben as he wanders around his hometown like Matthew Mcconaughey in Dazed and Confused and cries about how he’s at the elderly age of 26 and has not found love yet. He says he has a fear that he is unloveable which is a huge joke because he’s very obviously good-looking and very obviously comes across as likeable enough that everyone was dying for him to be the next Bachelor, so his whole monologue comes off as really whiny and annoying instead of sincere. Maybe he was trying to relate to us regular people at home with our regular people romantic problems. Anyways, Ben wants someone who “supports small town values” which, he’s in luck because this describes every single woman who auditions for The Bachelor.

Below is a ranking of how the women did this week in terms of how far I think they’re likely to make it on the show. Whether you’re doing research for your Bachelor fantasy draft or just wanting to dissect the drama-fest that is 25 women fighting for one D-list celebrity, please enjoy and leave your own take in the comments.

From least to most likely to make it to the end, here are all the women:

The first night boots


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

It’s like Breanne (nutritional therapist) has never met someone before because she introduces herself by talking about her gluten-free diet which is a topic people hate talking about so much that people are even sick of people talking about how much people hate talking about it.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Let’s be completely honest for a sec: Tiara never had a chance. Never. It’s okay to be a complete weirdo who is obsessed with chickens but then I think you need to go on a specialty dating site for cowboys or other people obsessed with chickens. No normal person is going to think it’s cute or endearing that you sleep with a chicken in your bed.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Another (cow)girl who didn’t have a chance. She’s stunning and vibrant, but she swears and drinks whiskey and is aggressive — all things that are never going to work well with someone like Softboy Ben.

Lauren R

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Lauren R (math teacher) calls Ben her favorite Hoosier which should impress him, but then she talks about all the time she spent stalking him on social media, to which Ben replies “what’s your name?” Yikes.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

On behalf of women everywhere, THANK YOU Ben for not choosing Izzy (graphic designer). She shows up in her pajamas, which could be cute if another girl did it.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Laura (account executive) gets out of the limo and tells Ben her (frankly weird) nickname: red velvet. OK.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Jessica (account manager) has a sweet but forgettable limo exit, just telling Ben she feels like “the luckiest girl in the world.”

Here’s how the rest of the women did

Emily and Hayley

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Yes I’m treating Emily and Hayley (occupation: twins) as one person because they treat themselves as one person. And because I really think it’s very unlikely that Ben falls for one of them and does anything other than eliminate both of them at the same time. Frankly, I’m shocked that they weren’t eliminate the first night. Ratings… I guess. Anyways Chris Harrison told us on Bachelor Live (which, sorry, I watched it) that they go on a soccer date next week and one of them breaks their finger and that’s how Chris Harrison/Ben tell them apart. Again, doesn’t seem like they will be around that long.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Lace (real estate agent) will not win. I’m putting Lace at the bottom not because I’m convinced she’ll go home next week, but because she cannot win. And that’s the thing, you can not have a great personality and win The Bachelor but you have to do a much better job of hiding it. Only once in Bachelor history did a villain make it to the end (Courtney, here’s her Bachelor tell all) but that particular Bachelor (Ben Flajnik) seemed like a dipshit from the start. She gets out of the limo in the most beautiful dress ever and is really gorgeous herself, but she makes it sooo abundantly clear from the getgo that she is not beautiful inside.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Jackie (gerontologist) gives Ben a gift. It’s a save the date to their wedding. #ToHigginsandtoHold. OK…..


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

The fact that they barely show Rachel’s (hoverboard) entrance doesn’t bode well for her lasting a long time.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

I’m really unsure of Amber’s chances here. I like her and she’s cool and beautiful but 4 years older than Ben and already an alum of 2 Bachelor shows. It just doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Becca is already 100x more interesting than she was on her season. Maybe she needed to get used to the cameras but she has come out of her shell, finally. Thought she does say she’s never been this nervous in her entire life. Which is weird. Because she was one person away from getting proposed to a few months ago…


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Jennifer (small business owner) has kind of a flat personality for reality TV. She makes awkward small talk and then forces him to promise to talk to her again inside. Later on she makes sure to talk to him about morals and values and how important they are without actually saying what any of those morals and values are.

Lauren H

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Lauren H (kindergarten teacher) talked about how she just caught the bouquet at a wedding and how it was a sign — because we all know what really gets men hot is talking about how much you want to get married.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Jamie (bartender) is Canadian. She jokes with Ben that she knows Kaitlyn and that Kaitlyn told him he has a big heart (but maybe also a big penis???) it was weird.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

I really, really wanted Samanta to do well. She’s beautiful and intelligent but she does this thing a lot of smart girls do which is to make sure everyone around them knows they are smart. She tells Ben in her first breath that she just passed the bar (yay) and then in her next asks if he likes legal briefs. I don’t think that’s a great first impression but hopefully she makes up for it next week when they start to get to know each other.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Mandi (dentist) seems really cool in real life? She puts a giant rose on her head and talks about how weird she is but I bet that makes her a really fun person to have in your life. However… this isn’t the real world it’s Bachelor world and Ben is probably too basic to appreciate her.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Jubilee (war veteran) shows up with a neck tattoo and a really hideous dress that Ben seems to really like. But she is sweet and stunning and gets a rose after making a connection with Ben.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Leah (event planner) breaks out a football and bends over. It’s a little bit weird and a little bit cute.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

LB (fashion buyer) looks amazing and is confident without being smarmy. She seems to have a good connection with Ben, but also feels a little bit like filler.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Shushanna (mathematician) gets out of the limo and speaks Russian to Ben, which he says he loves. It’s good for her, too, because he can’t be creeped out when she says “we were created for each other” because he can’t understand it.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Amanda (esthetician) is one of the most beautiful people I’ve seen on the show. She gets out of the limo and makes it a point to tell Ben she’s really glad it’s him which he appreciates.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Jojo (real estate developer) gets out of the limo with a unicorn mask on her head which could come off as really weird. But she’s really beautiful and sweet.

Lauren B

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Lauren B (flight attendant) is the first one out of the limo to meet Ben. They have a really cute moment where they both talk about how nervous they are and how hard their hearts are beating. I will say that it definitely seems like Ben has a preference for blondes because he seems to have more lively reactions to them, even though the season preview doesn’t make it seem like it’s all blondes at the end. Anyways he seems to genuinely like her.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Caila (software sales rep., a similar job to Ben) breaks off into a little run towards Ben and then jumps into his arms, which he seems to like. He says it’s the “best first impression ever.” When they have one-on-one time she comes across as super vibrant and cute, and he seems to genuinely like her.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

It’s immediately clear that Ben is smitten when Olivia (news anchor) gets out of the limo. They have a few minutes of nervous conversation and seem to enjoy each other’s company. She talks about how much she loves to travel and volunteer and generally comes across as a really confident, attractive woman. A nice viewer bonus for Olivia is when the other girls are trying to get her to gossip and she responds “I don’t even know who we’re talking about right now.” Ben gives her the first impression rose.

Burning questions for next week’s episode

Who is Ben kissing in a hot air balloon???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Who is Ben kissing near this waterfall???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Who is Ben kissing near this cool beach???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Who is Ben kissing at this baseball game???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Who is Ben kissing near this weird car???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Who is Ben kissing in this hot tub???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Who is Ben kissing in the helicopter???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Who is Ben kissing on a farm???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Who is Ben kissing under the romantic fireworks???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

See you next week! TC mark

GROSS!: 13 Nurses Talk About The Most Disgusting Things They’ve Seen On The Job

Posted: 05 Jan 2016 02:00 PM PST

Flickr Cavin
Flickr Cavin

1. We got a peanut butter and jelly sandwich out of her vagina

"We had one very demented lady who used to hoard things in her clothing, and hair, and was constantly mumbling nonsense. Well, it was shower time and I noticed something coming from in between her legs. I got out some napkins and a pen cap. When I noticed there was more, I had to get my charge nurse. Now, keep in mind this is a very large older woman who was screaming and yelling the entire time. It took 3 of us to get the rest out (2 to hold her down, 1 to dig) We got a peanut butter and jelly sandwich out of her vagina. Who knows how long it had been there, but it didn’t smell pretty."

2. Her groin area was covered in layers upon layers of maggots

"Three days into orientation to my new role, a woman was admitted into the unit after a drug overdose. She was combative, confused, and angry. She was screaming obscenities and calling people crude names. Her hands were restrained, but her legs were swinging and kicking at anyone in her range. Her stained and ripped clothing and dirty skin told us she was homeless, or at least living like a homeless person. But the stench that filled the room was something so rotten I didn't recognize it as an odor I had smelled before. We quickly identified the source. Her groin area was covered in layers upon layers of maggots. It was unclear whether it was infection or disease or just filth attracting and feeding those nasty larvae."

3. her son was caught going down on her

"Family interaction can be grosser than anything. We had this frequent flyer…she was one of those that needed to sit on a vent for a month on every admission. Anyways, her son was one fruitcake. He was in his mid-thirties and carried a stuffed Barney doll everywhere, even slept with it in the waiting area. He was all about taking care of his mother, though…and his mother would angrily write out notes to us saying she wanted her son to take care of her. I would let him help with some things…didn’t think much about it. Well, eventually she wanted him to stay all night…we would explain that he needs his rest, too…but somehow he would slip in. Now for the grossness…this dude was caught masturbating while his mom watched. Later on, on another admit, her son was caught going down on her. Later found out this has been a long-going incest deal….this woman even divorced her husband to be with her son. eeeeeewwwwwwwwwww."

4. he had taped an Italian sausage to his thigh

"I was helping out in ER on a busy Saturday night about 20 years ago. A guy was brought in from a local disco club via the squad. Seems he had danced around so much that he passed out. When he came in, he had on those skintight PVC pants and the 'bulge' was huge. The pants were so tight that they had to be cut off him (he was still unconscious at this point). After cutting the pants off, we discovered what the huge bulge really was—he had taped an Italian sausage to his thigh!!!! When he woke up and discovered where he was, well, needless to say his face was very red!!! He did not even ask for his sausage back when he was dismissed!!!"

5. He ejaculated right in her face and mouth

"A nice little old man in a wheelchair waved at one of my coworkers (a pretty little 18 year-old, fresh out of high school sugar and spice type of girl). He said, 'honey come over here please' as she bent down to talk to him. He moved the blanket covering his legs and SPLAT! He ejaculated right in her face and mouth. I never saw her again and thus my nursing career began…."

6. the good gentlemen hacked up a large loogie and then spit at me

"Once I had an HIV-pos street druggie to care for of in an ER holding room. He was violent and was in four-point restraints. He was cursing us, spitting, and just plain not very pleasant. So I gowned, double gloved and face mask and eye shielded myself all up and went in…as I entered the room, the good gentlemen hacked up a large loogie and then spit at me in an arc…which reached just over my eye visors and landed smack dead center on my unprotected head! One of the most amazing shots I have ever seen! Needless to say, it was just a little gross cleaning the good gentleman’s wad of phlegm out of my hair! Ugh!"

7. both ears severely packed with thick, green earwax

"I’ve worked in an ER and I can handle just about any body fluid (and have) except earwax. Earwax grosses me out. Was working in an ER in Puerto Rico while in the Navy and we had homeless dependent uncle or some relation come into ER c/o trouble hearing. On exam, doc found both ears severely packed with thick, green earwax. YUMMMMY! Well, yours truly gets to irrigate his ears, not the thrill of my life. I irrigated so much earwax out of that man’s ears, it was coming out in big, green nuggets. When I showed the patient the emesis basin of what I had cleaned out of his scuzzy ears, he proceeds to get a big smile on his face, picked up one of the greasy nuggets and eats it!!! YUCK! I just about puked on myself with that one. To this day, can barely clean my own ears!"


"Add together a brass cock ring, alcohol, meth and Viagra along with an overactive wish list and fantasy life and at some point you get an ER patient, let’s call him Mr. Johnson, who just after he took a picture of his ever expanding magic wand, realizes his member continues to grow and now is a little painful and turning purple. Let’s say when he got to the point where he would look more at home in the vegetable bin at the supermarket along with the other eggplants, he finally made his way to the ER. Brass is really hard and a first we thought we would call one of the guys in services and get a big bolt cutter. That’s when Mr. Johnson finally gave in and let the urologist on call break out the 14-gauge needle to drain Mr. Johnson’s Johnson. Hurts to think about it."

9. Til this day I hear this crying infant in my head

"When she delivered this tiny baby (it looked full term to me) she was actually alive and crying. The doctor said to me, 'Put it in the room and close the door. Do not enter til the morning shift.' I immediately took the crying baby and wrapped it up and laid it in a room. I then immediately started calling hospitals around (against the doctor's wishes) to find someone that would take it. None around would take it cause they said it was not viable. I spent many hours trying. I just wanted to leave this place, but I knew I could not walk out and leave other patients without a charge nurse. Til this day I hear this crying infant in my head."

10. Brown flaky water with nuggets

"I was training this CNA to give a soapsuds enema on an elderly man. I showed her how to fill the bucket, mix the castile soap in, etc. I also told her the techniques for the actual enema process. She was fine with it. She began giving it like a pro. I told her how to slow it down for cramping and such, and I told her to get the bedpan ready….She was standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE PATIENT’S butt, which I told her wasn’t a good place. She didn’t listen. DIDN’T LISTEN. The old guy coughed and out it shot. Brown flaky water with nuggets, all down her blue scrubs. My god. Impaction city. That poop had that OLD POOP smell and I just cringed. The poor CNA gagged and ran."

11. vomit went all in her mouth

"This occurred in a nursing home I was working in. There was a man who was very ill with gastro and my work partner and I were putting him into his PJs and night pad and all that so he could sleep for the night. He had dementia and was very febrile and not responding. We were doing this whilst he was already lying on his bed and just rolling him from side to side. We finally got him changed and I heard this weird sound coming from this man and I wisely took a step back. It all happened so quickly that I couldn’t warn my partner in time. She lent into him and was saying something, and this man projectile vomited right on her face. Lucky she was wearing her glasses but unluckily she was talking and vomit went all in her mouth. She started screaming and spitting out the vomit onto the floor and ran off to the bathroom, screaming."


"Last week I had 'The Digger.' The Digger was an elderly woman who was complaining of constipation and insisted on sitting on the bedside commode ALL morning. Since she wasn’t going, I tried to get her back in bed. 'But what if I poop the bed?' she asks. I explain the whole call bell system and that I would personally clean it up IF she goes. Finally, she asks for her face cream. I tell her why don’t we wait until you’ve had your bath. She tells me she wants to use it to lube her asshole. Now I have already notified the RN, the other student who was evaluating me that day, and my instructor and we were all waiting for an MD order for a laxative. I decided to give her some lubricating jelly to use on her own while we waited, and I brought her a steaming hot cup of prune juice, then left the room. I kept going back and checking on her and after another 45 minutes I told her it was enough and to get back into bed. I got there at 7am, and it’s now 11am. She pulls her hand out from behind her back and it’s covered up to her wrist in blood and crap. She had her whole hand in her butt. So I get her back to bed and ask her what she does at home when she is constipated. She says, 'I dig.' And I say, 'Well, no more digging for you.'"

13. I honestly had no clue that penises could bleed so much

"I work in emergency and one night as I was checking on the patients, I noticed this man trying to take a dump in the garbage in his room. He was in for acute intoxication. Anyway, I turn on the light and notice that the side rails are still up and that his catheter is wrapped around the side rail and stretched nearly three feet from his penis to the railing. I try to get him to stop and explain what is going on. While I am trying to move him, he is crapping all over the floor and as we get closer to the bed the tension on the catheter is released and he starts bleeding out of his penis. He says he doesn’t feel any pain and I get help and supplies. His penis is dripping blood and I remove the catheter and clots just start pouring out. He lost about 2 cups of blood. I get an order to recath and use lots of Lidocaine, but the guy is now in so much pain that it doesn’t help and it takes a few of us to clean the blood and crap up and hold him down for the cath reinsertion. I cath him with a 22 and start bladder irrigation, and after some Ativan and pain meds he goes back to sleep. I honestly had no clue that penises could bleed so much." TC mark

Why You Have To Make Him Sweat It Out In The Friend Zone First

Posted: 05 Jan 2016 01:00 PM PST

Twenty20, chalejoelthis
Twenty20, chalejoelthis

Everything is fast-paced these days. A guy meets a chick, he gets her number, they exchange a few messages and by the weekend they’re going out for drinks. After a few rounds, he flirts intensely with her and she flirts back. Things happen.

That's the way we court nowadays. And it's frightening.

However, if you're looking for something serious, you have to take things slow to get to really know his intentions. You don't want to become another statistic…some girl he slept with that he mentions offhandedly to his friends before they knuckle punch and carry on, laughing.

When you meet a guy and you have a good feeling about him, let him prove that he can be patient. He can't meet you for the very first time on Wednesday and automatically expect to land a date that coming weekend. Hell no. He needs to show you that he's not just into you for a quick fix—to prove that he can be more. That he can be a friend, too. However long that takes.

So, before you go on any dates, put him in the friend zone and see how he copes. While in the zone, he should be trying to understand every little thing about you. What makes you smile, what your ambitions and greatest insecurities are, what’s inscribed on your bucket list, etc. Over time, you'll be able to asses if he's genuine, or if he's just pretending to be interested because he has ulterior motives.

Time is the ultimate test.

Now, boys will be boys, and if he's really into you, it's only natural for him to want to ask you out…he's human, after all. And it's probably natural for you to feel pressured into accepting. But if you're not fully comfortable with him, it's in your best interest to politely decline. And if he doesn't respect your decision, he’s not worth it anyway. Don’t feel sorry for him, and don’t cave in just because you're afraid he might move on. If he gives up that easily, then he's not in it for the long haul.

On the contrary, if he accepts your decision and demonstrates willingness to develop a friendship with you, then maybe, just maybe, he deserves to take you out. But remember, long-term relationships require patience, so he still has a way to go.

Once you're convinced that he possesses the qualities you admire in a friend, let him graduate from the friend zone so he can take you out on a proper date. Although you're probably head over heels for the guy, this of course does not mean that you automatically open up the flood gates for physical stuff. Trust me, for him to truly appreciate you, he has to work his ass off, even for a kiss.

Hypothetically speaking, let's say a tennis player is preparing for the U.S. Open. He trained his ass off in the preseason and ends up winning the entire tournament. Now imagine that same player being awarded the winning trophy without even playing a single match. Do you think that trophy would mean much to him?

Let's be clear, it's not about playing hard to get or anything like that. The bottom line is this: All successful marriages are rooted in strong friendships. Let him prove his worth as a friend before you give him a chance to connect with you on a whole new level. TC mark