Thought Catalog


Here Is The Scariest Urban Legend From Every State

Posted: 24 Feb 2016 08:00 PM PST

Alabama — Hell’s Gate Bridge

OPS
Oxford Paranormal Society

Rumor says that a young couple once lost their lives driving off the bridge. The bridge’s pleasant name comes from local legend, that states — on certain nights — if you stop your car and turn around, you will gaze right into a fiery hell.

The bridge has been closed to traffic for the last few years, but still attracts a great number of curious pedestrians.

Alaska — The “Bushman”

Youtube / Destination America
Youtube / Destination America

Ancient legend states that the Alaskan Bushman (aka Big Foot) is descended from a species of creatures known as the “Tornits.” Apparently, a long long time ago, the Inuit native people and the Tornits once harmoniously shared the upper reaches of Alaska. This peaceful arrangement ended when an Inuit killed a Tornit for destroying his kayak; resulting in most Tornits migrating elsewhere.

The ones who stayed, however, were angry. What has followed is hundreds of years of stories of hunters going missing, and only turning up dead and mutilated. People are still seeing these creature(s) today.

Arizona — Lost Dutchman’s Gold Mine

Flickr / Alan English CPA
Flickr / Alan English CPA

Many, many down-on-their-luck people have died trying to discover the missing mine of gold that German immigrant Jacob Waltz supposedly located in the 1800s.

People desperately searching for these mines have been found without their heads; have been attacked by snipers; and have just completely vanished.

Arkansas — The Dog Boy

Wikimedia / AmazingAncientWorld
Wikimedia / AmazingAncientWorld

Legend states that Gerald Floyd Bettis was a deranged lunatic who gained supernatural (probably satanic) powers by performing grotesque experiments on dogs. He even added onto his house so he would have a separate wing for his torturous activities. Neighbors have since reported, years later, that they could hear the helpless animals howl from houses away.

In recent years, various owners have reported a number of ghostly sightings, including men that resemble Bettis, perhaps indicating his desire to keep up his antics — even after death.

California — Alien Blood Poisons Entire Hospital

Flickr / Maryland National Guard
Flickr / Maryland National Guard

Over two dozen emergency room staff were KOed after a woman named Gloria Ramirez had her blood drawn in the ER. The very second her blood began being sampled, a foul odor filled the entire area and Ramirez’s skin began taking on an oily sheen.

Suddenly, multiple medical support staff began to pass out and / or lose control of their limbs. The entire Emergency room was evacuated, safe for a skeleton crew of doctors still trying to save Ramirez’s life. They failed, and she died forty minutes after being admitted.

Report from Discover Magazine
Report from Discover Magazine

This created a media frenzy, with many outside theorists supposing that Ramirez wasn’t human. There has been no ironclad “official” explanation for what happened in 1984 at Riverside General Hospital.

13 Reasons Everyone Needs A Pisces Woman In Their Life

Posted: 24 Feb 2016 07:15 PM PST

marishkakuroedova
marishkakuroedova

1. They make the best friends. Pisces women are stable and loyal. They don’t keep a large social circle, but they are devoted to the people they choose to bring in. They are the ones you call in a crisis, who will help you sort out whatever steps you need to take and feel better about everything by the time you hang up the phone.

2. They are incredibly empathetic and have high emotional intelligence. A Pisces will never start unnecessary drama or cause extraneous conflict. They will understand where you are coming from and adjust their means of communication to one that serves to make both of you feel better. There’s a reason you never hear about anyone’s crazy Pisces ex.

3. They have THE best taste in music. Your Pisces woman will send you links to the best playlists she curates on Spotify. Some of your favorite musicians will be people you discover through her.

4. They won’t compete with you. A Pisces woman is content to derive pleasure from her creative interests. She doesn’t need to be the life of the party or the star of every relationship. She’ll never compete with you over who gets to appear a certain way or who deserves praise for what. A Pisces woman will be the least dramatic friend or girlfriend you will ever have. They hate emotional scenes and conflict where people end up hurt.

5. They are emotional — in the best way. A Pisces will never dismiss your feelings or make a cold remark designed to cut you down. Even in anger, they are always thinking about how you will feel and wanting the best for you.

6. They’re artists. Every Pisces has a deep creative soul. They’re painters or poets or writers. But whatever they do, it’s cool as hell and you get to be a part of it. Every Pisces friend I’ve had has gifted me some of her art, whether its hand-blown glass, a woodworking piece, or a painting. They are all priceless additions to my decor.

7. They aren’t stingy with love. Pisces LOVE love. They love feeling loved and they loved the act of loving. Other signs struggle with being vulnerable enough to love, or hating the feeling of being too mushy. But a Pisces will be open and honest with you about who they are. They want relationships where love is a factor, or they don’t need that relationship at all.

8. They have excellent judgement. Pisces have great intuition. They can sense when they meet someone whether that person is a good person and worthy of their time. They’re a great person to have around if you need help being judicious about romantic or professional contacts.

9. They’re good lovers. Soulful and sensitive it’s rare to find a Pisces who is not good in bed. They intuit their partner’s needs and aren’t shy about expressing their own.

10. They are passionate. The biggest mistake you can make with a Pisces is to assume they are lazy or passionate because they are so easy going. They are passionate in a strong, quiet way. They don’t need to shout from the rooftops about their passion, they just need to be quiet and do it with or without an audience.

11. They’re selfless. The expression “giving someone a shirt off your own back” was definitely made about a Pisces. For those in their inner circle, they will do whatever needs to be done to see them happy and successful. TC mark

You’re Not A Failure At Love Because You’re Heartbroken

Posted: 24 Feb 2016 07:00 PM PST

Franca Gimenez
Franca Gimenez

There’s no such thing as failing at love, there’s only refusing to try. You fail when you allow fear to keep you comfortable.

Love isn’t comfortable; it’s scary. It’s knowing there is someone out there who makes you feel like your life would fall apart without them, and it’s living with the perpetual fear of that possibility.

And when that moment becomes reality you feel like you’ve been broken. You feel your life move forward, but you’re walking through it facing backwards. One foot steps behind the other, instead of in front, and the past is a place you continue to retreat to, but when you lose some thing it’s completely normal to retrace your steps, and losing some one is no different.

One thing that continues to pass is time, and whenever you’re in pain you wish it would pass by faster.

And others will tell you that time heals all wounds, but you won’t feel yourself recovering until one day you wake up and the scab is completely gone. But you didn’t one day suddenly become better, it was a process that you were unaware was happening. Because sometimes you only realize you’re healing until after you’re healed.

And in the duration of this healing, when time feels slow and every day’s a struggle, the only thing to do is cope. So you attempt to distract yourself in every way possible, with people, things, substances, anything that will keep your thoughts from filling the silence. And then you realize that distractions only occupy your mind for so long, and that’s when the feeling of failure kicks in.

And failure turns into frustration because even if you succeed at everything else, the one place you want success to happen it won’t. But heartbreak isn’t failure, it’s trial and error. It’s a step taken toward something you thought was the right direction, but turned out to be wrong. And most times you don’t automatically reroute. You wander and feel lost.

But the time you spent giving your heart to someone who broke it is just as valuable as the time it takes to heal. Because the time you devoted to learning about someone else resulted in you learning about yourself.

It isn’t failure if you’ve become more aware of who you are and what you need; it would be failure to continue to settle for anything less.

And suddenly you find yourself adjusting to a new way of life without the person who used to make you happy, but you shouldn’t think of happiness as something that occurred in the past. Happiness is something you need to make room for in your future, and it needs to originate from a source within yourself. Don’t attempt to make your life happier by finding someone. Find happiness and then find someone to share it with. And find the strength to risk heartbreak as a result.

Your broken heart is an indication that you have enough courage to give so much of yourself to someone that you get hurt in return. You’re not a failure at love because your heart is broken, you’re a failure at love if you let the fear of heartbreak keep you from loving at all. TC mark

15 Ways Sex Is Different (And Better!) When You’re In Love

Posted: 24 Feb 2016 06:15 PM PST

alaskangeles
alaskangeles

1. Tinder is a thing of the past. I mean, if you met on Tinder, that's pretty cute and all, but now that you're in love you never have to open that app again.

2. Sometimes you truly do have those weird soap opera moments where everything's all misty and you look at each other with mushy doe eyes as you fuck.

3. You're more likely to have sex at your childhood home. You just are.

4. You don't have to depend on the "You up?" text anymore. Now, when you want to get laid, you can just reach over and stick your hand in his boxers.

5. When you're coupled up, you spend a lot of time together. When you're hooking up, you definitely don't. This means that sex becomes a lot more spontaneous than the "Hey, come over" bang sessions you're used to.

6. Of course, the longer you're together, the less frequent the boning becomes. This can be an adjustment to those of us who were used to sexy marathons with our partner of choice.

7. Sometimes, your dude doing something nice for you (like picking up groceries or buying you a steak dinner) is just as good as having sex with him. I'm serious.

8. You'll get to know each other way more intimately. In my single days, dudes never saw me without makeup and cute lingerie. Now, it's more like "I need you to leave a washcloth here for me to get lipstick all over when I wash my face, and can I sleep in your sweatpants?" It just makes getting all lingerie'd up more fun, really, because it's a surprise.

9. The person you love isn't sexy to you all the time. Weird, right? Your clit doesn't vibrate with anticipation every time you see them the way it did with your favorite hookup of yore, but you do get a little woozy behind your knees when they tell you they love you, so it evens out.

10. However, sometimes they'll be doing some super-mundane thing like working on a project or reading a magazine and you'll be overcome with lust solely because you're like, head over heels in love with this person.

11. The weird stuff that happens during sex is less embarrassing when you're with someone you love. You don't have to worry that your cellulite is showing or your stomach is making a strange noise because you know that they love you and aren't here just to get their rocks off. Plus, your ass is fabulous.

12. The sex might be less inventive and creative, but at least you know how to get each other off quickly and dependably. I'd trade a guaranteed orgasm for sexual gymnastics anytime, wouldn't you?

13. Your old flames will be chomping at the bit as soon as they even expect you're unavailable to them. Dudes you didn't think you'd ever bone again come crawling out of the woodwork when you're attached to someone else. It must be weird animal signals.

14. There's no need to entice someone to come over and fool around with you, whether that's with suggestive texts or sexy photos of your bra. The person you wanna bone is probably sitting right next to you as you read this.

15. You get nostalgic for all the fun sex you had while you were single, but you'd also never go back there willingly. It wasn't all roses and vibrators and black lacy thongs, you know. Now you have the best excuse of all: "Sorry, I can't! I'm too busy fucking my boyfriend. We're in love, you know!" TC mark

I Am Not A Manic Pixie Dream Girl

Posted: 24 Feb 2016 06:00 PM PST

(500) Days Of Summer
(500) Days Of Summer

I am not a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

I could play along if I really wanted to. I could sit on your bed wearing some Calvin Klein whitey-tighties and one of your oversized button-down shirts, reading Infinite Jest and sipping adorably on a juice box through a pair of perfect pink lips, but I will not. Why, you ask, John Green? Because that sounds like the worst, that’s why.

Instead, you will find me on the couch in my favorite elastic waistband pants. I will have taken off my bra the minute I got through the door and thrown it triumphantly in my room. I will be trying to watch a free movie from On-Demand while also browsing through funny Instagram accounts, but I won’t really be paying full attention to either one because sometimes I suck and have problems focusing. I will skip yoga class today, mostly because I do not technically belong to any yoga studios. My exercise comes from the climbing stairs in my walk-up apartment and from all of the times I’ve had to chase after the bus in a fluffy, unsexy, oversized Chicago winter coat.

I’d like to say Dove is for casual Friday nights in. Pantene is for before work. Aveda is for a big night out. But in reality, it got this way because I bought a new bottle at Target when my old one was running out, and then instead of finishing up the old one I just started right away with the exciting new one. And now my shower just looks like a convenience store and I’ll throw two-thirds of it all out in six months because sometimes I’m wasteful.

I would like to say that I love watching funky documentaries and cool, new television shows that are still under the radar. But after a long day, I just want to come home and turn on an episode of Parks and Recreation or 30 Rock (even though I’ve watched each series at least five times) because I feel close to the characters and I find the familiarity comforting. Right now I don’t want to have stimulating debates with you after watching a documentary on the meat industry. I just want to hang out with Leslie and Ron (and you) and unwind for a while. I might fall asleep with my head on your shoulder, and it will be almost cute, but then I’ll start twitching in my sleep or I’ll snore a little.

I often go to bed without taking off my makeup, because as soon as I’m in my pajamas, the idea of spending two minutes washing my face seems somehow more exhausting than an entire day at work. So I’ll sleep through the night and wake up looking the matchmaker from Mulan after she gets tea dumped all over her face and her mascara starts to run. I just don’t wake up in the morning looking fresh and clean, the way I’m apparently supposed to.

I’m not a Manic Pixie Dream Girl because I don’t have the time or the power to fulfill everything on the list of requirements. Be bubbly but also be a total mystery. Know every single obscure band on the planet. Be rail-thin but also, you know, be able to fill out a dress with a decent set and an ass that won’t quit. Wear dresses from the 1950’s but get around everywhere on a skateboard with a Vance Joy sticker on it. Spend all free time browsing dreamily through albums at a record store, because what’s a job, lol.

Manic Pixie Dream girls are not real. They are one-dimensional, they don’t have any of their own wants, they exist solely to advance the development of the brooding male character – all while being adorably quirky.

I want to support you, but I don’t want to be the supporting actor in your movie. I want to encourage you, and make you laugh, and make you feel loved, but I will do it while having my own separate story, filled with dreams and goals and flaws and rejections and triumphs and challenges and choices that make up who I am.

I will help you advance your story, but not as a bubbly, starry-eyed, and girlish ray of light that serves as a foil for your tortured soul. I will help you advance your story as your partner, your best friend, the warm comfort you turn to at the end of a long day, and someone who makes you feel like you are not alone – because I am equally complex, because we all are. TC mark

Elections 2016: Dear America, Is This The Best You Can Do?

Posted: 24 Feb 2016 05:45 PM PST

Vox Efx
Vox Efx

I moved to the United States in the fall of 2007 for university. In the first few days, upon arriving on campus, there were volunteers asking students if we had registered to vote. My response, “Sorry. I can’t. I’m foreign.” In the last eight and a half years, that has been my response to many political and official questions, and for many reasons.

Prior to coming to the United States, I had always taken an interest in American history and political systems. In secondary (high) school, part of my concentration in history class was 20th-century America. In university, I would secondarily study politics (political theory) which largely focused on American political systems. America, in my foreign eyes, has always been an enigma. Eight and a half years later, this is still true.

But when I arrived, something exciting was in the air. Or rather someone: Barack Hussein Obama.

It would be disingenuous to say that I wasn’t apprehensive. Even as a late teen (as is true in adulthood), I disagreed with Obama on some fundamental issues. Before I continue, a preface is needed: I am a third culture kid – born in Nigeria, raised away from it; with family spread mostly in three continents: Africa, Europe, North America; my parents are highly educated people; my father was a political journalist insisting on democracy during Abacha’s Nigeria – a dictatorship. We left Nigeria largely for this reason. My home was political, as it was religious, although the former is something that might have escaped the ordinary observer.

Sill, Obama was interesting. The thought of being here – in the United States – during the time of the first black president was exciting. The idea of a black president in America was something even as children we thought of as unrealistic. I recall times in childhood when amongst my classmates, we would say something was as unlikely to happen as, “America having a black president.” But there I was, somewhere between adolescence and adulthood, and it was happening. It can be difficult to remember, but things really do change.

I had grown up with a certain view of the world, and with it came disagreement on being either left or right in America’s political system. Add to that a suspicion, if not an entire distrust of politicians and government. I have lived in better governments than the one I was born into, but I maintain my apprehension of people who wish to rule over others. Certainly, it is a difficult job, and a thankless one, to be a leader of a country. But one cannot desire the good that comes with it, without also noting the potential evil that comes with it, and power, and the corruption of power, are the greatest of these potential evils.

For what my foreign words are worth, if anything, I believe that President Obama, for all my fundamental disagreements, both in views that he holds, and in those held as a consequence of the policies of the office he occupies, has been a good president. History, I think, will be more than kind, and he may even one day be perceived as a great president.

However, I have mostly lived in the United States only under Obama, and so perhaps for that and other reasons, I may be biased. But when I regard the potential candidates that may replace Obama, I notice too that there is something in the air. But it’s not the excitement or apprehension which I witnessed the year before Obama was elected. Instead, I think, it is a closely related but distinctive feeling: anxiety.

Realistically, one of the following people might be president: Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders. Save for Sanders, when I consider the list of potential presidents, I am thoroughly uninspired. And while I find Sanders a breath of fresh air in many respects, his lack of experience in foreign policy does not inspire confidence. One could make an argument that with the structure of Congress and its current unproductive state, as well as the oligarchy that has overtaken the American political system, and for that matter our economic institutions, a president’s real power is manifested mainly in foreign policy decisions and judgments. Again, one could argue.

In Donald Trump, aside from his racism, sexism, Islamophobia, etc., we have an utterly politically incompetent and largely overrated businessman who plays to the emotions of those who wish to “make America great again,” and who draw on a fictional memory of the nation, as if there were a time in history or the present when the country wasn’t particularly great for straight, white men. In Ted Cruz, we have an overzealous and very likely trigger-happy politician who lacks common sense in rhetoric, and charisma in presentation – both of which are greatly needed presidential attributes. In Hillary Clinton, we have an established politician, whose experience is both her blessing and her curse, as she is viewed even by those who deem her competent, as ultimately untrustworthy. And in Sanders, we have an idealist, who unlike JFK, may be one with some illusions as to the political and economic forces that stand in the way of his potential revolution. (President Kennedy is once quoted as having said, “I am an idealist without illusions.”)

beetlejuice

When I arrived in 2007, I did not know that 2008 would be a historic year. But hope and change were the words that would come to define it. No words or phrases have come to define this year for Americans. At least, not yet. But as a foreigner, I have already found my own word: weary. I am weary of this year’s elections.

If the voting process is one that is about choosing the lesser of several evils, then I can without any direct political consequence (I’m foreign, I can’t vote remember?), claim that Sanders is for many reasons, from where I stand, the candidate that would do the most good, and the least evil. Even though admittedly, he’s the long shot of the four. But crazier things have happened – like the election of a black man to the American presidency, with the name Barack Hussein Obama.

In the final analysis, and notwithstanding Sanders, when I look at the short list in all its entirety of potential candidates to replace Obama, like The New York Times columnist David Brooks (of all people) has already expressed, I know I’m going to miss the current president. But mostly, I look at this list and can’t help but think, “Is the best we can do?”

Though a plain “yes” or “no” might suffice in answering that question, instead I am reminded of an old George Carlin skit in which he says he doesn’t complain about politicians because they are simply the product and the reflection of the American public. Ouch. But if old Carlin was right, we have two options: To accept, like Carlin, that this is the best we can do, and to render all complaints about politicians a waste of time and energy. Or we, even those of us who are not citizens, act upon the realization that as a public, we have much work to do before November 2016, and beyond. TC mark

7 Reasons Whiskey Drinkers Are The Happiest People To Be Around

Posted: 24 Feb 2016 05:12 PM PST

j.anniewang
j.anniewang

1. Whiskey is a laid back drink. It’s not a beverage for high-maintenance people, it’s not showy — frankly, it doesn’t even look that good. But that’s why whiskey drinkers tend to be happier people, they choose what they like because they like it, not because of how it looks or appears to others. You will never meet a whiskey drinker who can be described as “fussy.”

2. They’re not afraid of a little pain. Good whiskey can burn going down, but it’s definitely worth it. Anything worth doing is worth doing with a little intensity and whiskey drinkers know that it’s better to be too hot or too cold than totally forgettable.

3. They’re (relatively) healthy. People usually drink whiskey straight, or with a zero calorie mixer like soda water or diet soda. Unlike other kinds of liquor, whiskey drinkers aren’t imbibing a bunch of extra calories and sugar. Because of this, their hangovers are less severe and they can actually get out and enjoy their day. Also, drinking whiskey can lower your risk of cancer, dementia, stroke, and heart disease.

4. They know how to appreciate the little things. Whiskey is a simple drink. People who know how to value simple things tend to be happier.

5. They’re outdoorsy. Whiskey is basically the official alcoholic beverage of cabins everywhere. Have you ever seen an unhappy person at a cabin? I didn’t think so.

6. They know how to add some fun to their every day life. Unlike tequila shots or fancy cocktails, whiskey can be enjoyed as an after work or dinner beverage by itself. It’s the beverage of choice for people who want to savor the day and relax, without having to party all the time.

7. They’re timeless. Whiskey is a true grandpa beverage, it’s not a flavor of the week. It’s something you pick when you are mature enough to admit that your elders were probably on to something. The same maturity that saves you from unnecessary drama in the rest of your life. TC mark

You Know Deep Down We Should Have Never Broken Up

Posted: 24 Feb 2016 05:00 PM PST

24642352762_0c3742b67d_k
Drew Wilson

If you had let me, I would have crawled inside your heart and cherished everything you thought I would have hated.

If you had let me, I would have given you every piece of my patchwork soul; I would have let you create art from my bones, from my words, from my fire.

If you had let me, I would have kissed you deeply in public places; I would have painted cities with our memories, I would have built us our own world.

If you had let me, I would have worked until the laughter met your eyes; I would have dug through the soil of you until spring finally found its way into the darkest corners of your mind.

If you had let me, I would have fought; I would have sent my heart to war for you, I would have never backed down.

If you had let me, I would have loved you. If you had let me, you would now feel whole instead of lost. TC mark

Read more of Bianca Sparacino’s writing in her new book Seeds Planted in Concrete here.

Seeds_EOA_MarketingPlanting_Seeds_In_Concrete_hi-res

I Don’t Even Know You But I Know That I Love You

Posted: 24 Feb 2016 04:00 PM PST

Processed with VSCOcam with a9 preset
Jeff Isy

Here I'm again thinking about a future lover. Who will I love? What color will your eyes be? How will you think? What will be the nature of your dreams? What will we laugh about? What will we fight about? What will it be like to wake up next to you every morning? What kind of life will we build together?

Here I’m asking these questions even though I already know the answers. I love you. Your eyes are the color of minerals and your thoughts are like music from another planet. We will laugh about weird jokes on Tumblr and fight about what shade of white to paint the walls of the apartment. Waking up with you will be like a warm breeze on a crisp fall day. Together, a fantasy life, a thousand secret traditions and rituals that will constitute this dream life together.

Here we are sending text messages, talking at a party, laughing as we drink coffee in the park. Do I dare disturb the status quo? Do I gamble the casualness for intimacy? Do I say “you are perfect" and kiss you? Can I let you know how deeply connected I feel to you? Will you understand, will you reciprocate? Is it crazy to be this in love already? What is the subtext of that laugh; the way your hand just brushed across my hand? Am I good enough for you? Will my feelings last? Are you even real?

Here is all the questioning, the endless questing. In this space of uncertainty is not love but a stern reality, a cold and metal wall blocking us. Here is the illusion of separation. Here are the prior commitments. Here is the fear! Here are the old wounds and here is the anxiety of future wounds. Here in this avalanche of questions is the decision you must make — are you romantic enough, are you courageous enough to find out the answers? Will you make the movement? Or stay still?

Taking your hand,
locking my fingers in your fingers
and you look surprised, but happy,
and as I move towards an embrace,
I say:

I'm going to hold you now
and, if that's okay, I want you to only
let me go when now becomes forever.

Start this life with me, you are all I need.
All I will ever need.
I want you to be mine.

In this moment, as you kiss my cheek, life has never been so vivid, and I can’t believe what is happening, how beautifully entangled we are. We are glowing fire. Then you are whispering something in my ear, a sweet nothing, but as I start to process what you are actually saying I begin in slow motion to shatter into a million little pieces: “I’m onto you. You might love me. But all I know for certain right now is that while all of this was going on in your head you weren’t thinking about me, but about your own feelings for me and that is suspicious.” TC mark

World Champions Of Sex: 13 Mind-Blowing Records About Human Sexuality

Posted: 24 Feb 2016 03:00 PM PST

Jonah Falcon describes his trout-sized penis. (YouTube)
Jonah Falcon describes his trout-sized penis. (YouTube)

1. BIGGEST PENIS

A perennially aspiring American actor named Jonah Falcon holds the title of the Man With The World’s Hugest Schlong. His massive man-burrito hangs about 9 inches limp and a daunting 13.5 inches when fully hard, which must require so much blood that it makes him dizzy. His organ was so huge, he was stopped and frisked by airport TSA in 2012 due to the massive bulge in his pants.

2. SMALLEST PENIS

Although the unlucky gent is not mentioned by name, the smallest erect penis ever recorded measured a scant centimeter, AKA .39 inches. There but for the grace of God go all the rest of us men.

3. BIGGEST VAGINA

A human giant from the 1800s named Anna Swan stood seven feet and eight inches tall. In 1879 her gigantic vagina birthed the largest infant on record, weighing in at 26 pounds. It’s unclear exactly who measured her vagina, but it clocked in at a staggering 19 inches in circumference. That means the hole itself was larger than six inches in diameter, meaning you could shove a large coffee can inside her vagina with room to spare, assuming that’s your idea of a good time.

4. YOUNGEST MOM

In 1933, a Peruvian girl named Lina Medina—hey, that rhymes!—gave birth to her first child. Lina was only five years old at the time. She had begun menstruating at age 3.

5. MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED

In 1991 a Los Angeles woman named Michelle Monaghan had a staggering 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach. Details are sketchy as to exactly how she managed to get that much semen in her stomach in the first place, and I’m not sure I want to know.

6. STRONGEST PENIS

The ironically named Mo Ka Wang from Hong Kong lifted 250 pounds two feet off the ground in 1995 using only his penis. Why he wanted to do this, much less have it recorded, is between him and his psychologist.

7. STRONGEST VAGINA

In 2009, a Russian woman named Tatiata Kozhevnikova dead-lifted a 31-pound weight off the floor using only the steel-trap strength of her vagina. If anyone has her email address, please forward it to me.

8. MOST ORGASMS IN ONE HOUR—MALE

California’s Center for Sexual Studies recorded a male having sixteen orgasms in the course of one hour. I simultaneously hate and admire this man.

9. MOST ORGASMS IN ONE HOUR—FEMALE

The same California sex researchers monitored one woman who had 134 orgasms in one hour, which is an orgasm every 26 seconds. Again, if anyone has this woman’s name or email address, kindly forward it to me. It’s for a friend.

10. LARGEST BOOBS

Annie Hawkins-Turner goes by the stage name “Norma Stitz”—keep saying it quickly and you’ll get the joke. Her monstrous mammaries are a 102ZZZ, which constitute the largest boobs on record and are likely capable of nursing an entire nation of infants.

11. BIGGEST GANG BANG

At 2004’s World Gangbang Championship in Poland, porn actress Lisa Sparxxx was penetrated by 919 peni in less than 24 hours, shattering not only her lady parts but also the previous world record of 757 peni set the year before.

12. LONGEST EJACULATION

A robust and hearty man named Horst Schultz once shot his load 18 feet and nine inches—a world record. He also holds the record for the highest ejaculation, blasting a wad in the air at an Old Faithful-sized height of 12 feet and four inches. This sexual dynamo also holds the world record for speediest ejaculation when one of his wads was clocked sailing through the air at 42.7MPH.

13. LARGEST ORGY

In 2006, 250 Japanese couples set the world record for the largest orgy in history as they assembled neatly and were filmed copulating, an event that was captured on DVD for posterity. TC mark