Thought Catalog


Here Is The Funniest Joke Ever Made About Your State

Posted: 10 Mar 2016 08:00 PM PST

Daniella Urdinlaiz
Daniella Urdinlaiz

1. Alabama

How many Bama fans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but then you have to listen to all the rest of them talk about how great the dead light bulb was.

2. Alaska 

A drunk Alaskan decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, “You will find no fish there.”
The drunk ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, “You will find no fish under the ice.”

The drunk looks up and says, “God, is that you?”

The voice says, “No, I’m the manager of this ice rink.”

3. Arizona

A man fell in love with the girl of his dreams. They were perfect for each other, except for one minor problem: She was an Arizona State Sun Devils fan and he was an Arizona Wildcats fan. He decided to make the ultimate sacrifice and become a Sun Devils fan. He went to the doctor and asked if there was an easy way to do this. The doctor replied, “Yes, it’s a very simple procedure. What we do is go in and remove half your brain. When you wake up, you will be an Sun Devils fan.”

The man agrees, and the next week goes into surgery. After he wakes up the doctor comes up to him concerned. “Sir, I apologize, but there was a mix-up with the scalpel. Instead of removing half your brain we removed 3/4 of it. How do you feel?”

The man sat up, looked around, and said “GO TROJANS!”

4. Arkansas

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, “Got any ID?”

The driver says, “Bout what?”

5. California 

Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Hella.

6. Colorado

“In Colorado yesterday, voters approved a tax on marijuana to fund the building of schools. In other words – kids, don’t do drugs, but stay in the schools funded by them.”

–Conan O’Brien

7. Connecticut

You know you’re from Connecticut when your family owns more cars than legal drivers, you took horseback riding, golfing, tennis, and swimming lessons as a child, and you have at least four friends who drive Jeep Grand Cherokees.

8. Delaware

Q: Mississippi gave Missouri a New Jersey, so what did Delaware?
A: I don’t know, Alaska.

9. Florida

[2012 Presidential Election Day] “Good luck today Florida! Try not to pull a ‘Florida.'”

-Daniel Tosh

10. Georgia

I keep setting my DVR player to record ‘The Biggest Loser’ but it keeps recording all of the Georgia Bulldog games instead.

11. Hawaii

Two men debate whether Hawaii is pronounced “HaVaii” or “HaWaii.” They ask a passerby, who answers “Havaii.”

“Thank you,” says the satisfied first man.

“You’re velcome,” replies the passerby.

12. Idaho     

“A surveillance camera at an Idaho high school appears to have caught evidence of a ghost. Later, officials examined the milky white image and concluded it was just another resident of Idaho.”

–Conan O’Brien

13. Illinois

Come to Chicago for the food. Stay because you got murdered.

14. Indiana 

Indiana girls: the kind who you can take home to meet your mom but who can also outdrink your dad.

15. Iowa

An Iowa fan, an Iowa State fan, and an UNI fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most. The UNI fan insists that he is the most loyal. ”This is for UNI!” he yells, and jumps off the mountain.

Not to be outdone, the Iowa fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, “This is for the Hawkeyes!” and pushes the Iowa State fan off the mountain.

16. Kansas

Q: Whats the difference between Kansas and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has an active living culture.

17. Kentucky

Q: What separates a good team from a great team?
A: The Kentucky-Ohio border.

18. Louisiana

You know you’re from Louisiana when the four seasons in your year are crawfish, shrimp, crab and King Cake, your last name isn’t pronounced the way it’s spelled, and when giving directions you use words like uptown, downtown, backatown, riverside, lakeside, other side of the bayou, or other side of the levee.

19. Maine

Sometime in the early 1900’s, P. T. Barnum, the owner of the Barnum & Bailey circus and originator of the phrase “There’s a sucker born every minute” offered $10,000 in cash to any person who could thoroughly dupe or sucker him.

Barnum was always looking for interesting new acts or novel creatures to exhibit, and one day he received a letter from a fellow in Maine who claimed to possess a cherry-colored cat and asked if Barnum were interested in such a thing for his circus. Barnum contacted the man and said yes, if the cat were truly cherry-colored, he’d gladly put it on display.

Well, a few days later a crate marked “live animal” arrived for him. When Barnum opened it, he found a somewhat frightened but otherwise perfectly ordinary-looking black house cat inside, along with a note which read: “Maine cherries are black.”

20. Maryland

Maryland: if you can dream it, we can tax it.

21. Massachusetts 

Q: What goes hundreds of miles and never moves?
A: The Massachusetts Turnpike

22. Michigan     

Q: What do you get when you have a basement full of Michigan State fans?
A: A whine cellar.

23. Minnesota

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing Minnesotan family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they’d walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Ole’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. “Grandma, it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”

Granny looked into Ole’s eyes and said, “Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July!”

24. Mississippi

Three guys from Mississippi were kidnapped by a terrorist, who said he would try and give them one last wish before he killed them.

The first guy, a Mississippi State grad, said he’d “love to hear his MSU cowbell ringing just one more time.”

The second guy, an Ole Miss grad, said he’d love to hear “Hotty Toddy” just one more time before he died.

The third guy, a Southern grad, stood up and yelled “KILL ME FIRST!”

25. Missouri

The four seasons of Missouri: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Construction.

26. Montana

Frost bite? You mean ICE TAN!

27. Nebraska 

Three Norwegians went down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation, got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they were to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first, Sven, was asked if he has any last words. He says, “I yust graduated from Saint Olaf in Northfield, Minnesota and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for Sven’s forgiveness, and release him.

The second, Lars, is strapped in and gives his last words, “I yust graduated from the Gustavus Adolphus in St. Peter and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for his forgiveness, and release him.

The last one, Ole, is strapped in and says, “Vell, I’ve just graduated with a degree from Nebraska University in Lincoln, NE in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.

28. Nevada 

You know you’re from Nevada when you notice your car overheating before you drive it, you need to walk through a casino to see a movie, and you put on every sweater you own when the temperature drops to below seventy degrees.

29. New Hampshire

A New Hampshire man walks into a library. That’s the whole joke.

30. New Jersey

“New Jersey is banning smiling in driver’s license photos. So now, instead of telling the driver to, ‘Say cheese,’ the DMV photographer will just say, ‘You live in New Jersey.'”

–Conan O’Brien

31. New Mexico

You know you’re from New Mexico when you believe that bags of sand with a candle in them are perfectly acceptable Christmas decorations, you can order your Big Mac with green chile, and you believe using a turn signal is a sign of weakness.

32. New York

"In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. In New York, that's from building to building. Like I asked my friend, I said, ‘Man, what's a good building?’ He said, 'A good building, you got a door man. A bad building, you just got a man in a door.'"

–D.L. Hughley

33. North Carolina

One inch of snow? Sorry folks, North Carolina is closed.

34. North Dakota

You know you’re from North Dakota when You only own 3 spices (salt, pepper, and ketchup), you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, and you know several people who have hit a buffalo.

35. Ohio

Welcome to Ohio, where the weather forecasts are made up and the fact that it was sunny fifteen minutes ago doesn’t matter.

36. Oklahoma

“Yesterday, Oklahoma elected their first openly gay State Senator. Unfortunately, know one knows how to break it to the senator that he’s in the state of Oklahoma, not the musical.”

–Conan O’Brien

37. Oregon

"I can't believe it," said the tourist.  "I've been here in Portland an entire week and it's done nothing but rain.  When do you have summer here?"

"Well, that's hard to say," replied the local.  "Last year, it was on a Wednesday."

38. Pennsylvania

“After a judge’s ruling, gay marriage is now legal in Pennsylvania. So today, a lot of Amish men were raising something other than a barn.”

–Conan O’Brien

39. Rhode Island

Welcome to Rhode Island, where size doesn’t matter.

40. South Carolina

“In South Carolina, the winner of the $400 million dollar Powerball lottery has chosen to remain anonymous. However, I’m guessing it’s that cashier at Cracker Barrel with the Learjet.”

–Conan O’Brien

41. South Dakota

One dark night outside a small town in northern South Dakota , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed over to the fire chief. “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give
$100,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact!”

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon, more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. In the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian Rural Township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians well over the age of 65.

To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant and, without even slowing down, drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides..

It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on video, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Vell,” said Ole Oleson, the 80-year-old fire chief, “Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!”

42. Tennessee

Q: Why do the Tennessee Volunteers eat cereal straight from the box?
A: They choke whenever they get near a bowl.

43. Texas

A Californian, a Texan, and a New Yorker, attending a convention in a little town just outside Las Vegas, were standing in a seedy bar enjoying a few drinks.

The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass against the back wall, smashing it to pieces. He told the other startled drinkers that the standard of living was so high in California that they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the New Yorker finished drinking his Manhattan, and threw his glass against the back wall. He loudly proclaimed that in New York not only were they all are rich from banking and imports, he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Texan drank his beer, drew a revolver, and shot the Californian and the New Yorker. As he was returning the gun to his holster, he told the wide-eyed bartender that in Texas they had so many New Yorkers and Californians that they never had to drink with the same ones twice.

44. Utah

“President Obama’s been traveling a lot recently. In fact, I saw that he just made his first presidential trip to the state of Utah. Obama spent his time in Utah just like you’d expect – telling people, ‘Uh…no, I don’t play for the Jazz.'”

–Jimmy Fallon

45. Vermont

“A new study says Vermont could benefit financially by legalizing marijuana. Legal marijuana could lead to a lucrative new Vermont business known as the “Bed & Breakfast & More Breakfast, and Then More Bed.”

–Conan O’Brien

46. Virginia

Oh, you’re from Washington, D.C.? Tell me which Northern Virginia suburb you’re really from.

47. Washington

“As of today, Washington State has legalized both marijuana and gay marriage. So today, men all over Washington have two different reasons to say ‘I love you man.'”

–Conan O’Brien

48. West Virginia

“A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her driver’s license.

She presented her West Virginia driver’s license and the clerk grabbed it way from her and scoffed at her, ‘If you’re going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!’ A manager was required to verify West Virginia’s statehood.”

49. Wisconsin 

“On Saturday, after losing to Wisconsin, Kentucky fans went into the streets and started burning things. Meanwhile, Wisconsin fans went out and started frying things and covering them in cheese.”

–Conan O’Brien

50. Wyoming

You know you live in Wyoming when your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you measure distance in hours, and you can drive 65 miles per hour through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. TC mark

10 People On The Moment They Quit Their Job To Pursue Their Real Passion

Posted: 10 Mar 2016 07:00 PM PST

iStockPhoto.com / Leonardo Patrizi
iStockPhoto.com / Leonardo Patrizi

1. “I felt so much crippling anxiety about going back to my inventory management job after the holidays were over, that I applied feverishly to a bunch of admin jobs that would give me a stress-free and slow-paced environment to be in while I figured out what I wanted to do. I finally got an offer and am still here now, unsure of exactly where I want to go, but it’s been incredible. I have a steady paycheck, I’m relaxed, I’ve been reading about grad school, researching career options, networking. And, without the financial stress weighing down on me, I have a good amount of time to reflect on where I want to go from here.”

–Henry, 25

2. “I worked at a staffing firm and it was literally hell. Spent a solid twenty-three minutes crying in the bathroom one Monday morning and that was it for me. I quit, went home that day, and spent seven hours reaching out to everyone I knew or just barely knew, asking for connections. I was Linked In-ing the crap out of people. Now I work for a casting company and leaving that staffing firm was the best decision I ever made.”

–Makayla, 24

3. “I got a job at one of the top consumer goods companies in the country, did it for five years, and then left to get my MFA in screenwriting when I realized I spent every free minute watching movies and reading about how they’re made. And I’m in school now and I’ve never been happier and who knows if it will work out… but I’ll find out either way eventually, and I’ll never have to wonder.”

–Gabriella, 28

4. “My boss pulled me into her office and was actually trying to be helpful saying like ‘We want to help you grow here’ and ‘Do you want a management position down the road’ and all I could think was that that was the last thing I wanted and it sounded too easy a slope to fall down. So I quit two days later and got a retail job while I applied to get my master’s degree in social work.”

–Emma, 27

5. “It wasn’t some big moment for me. I just hated accounting and dreaded going in every day and then one day my coworker who I hate brought in tuna for lunch for the third day in a row and it smelled disgusting and I snapped and went into my boss’s office and gave him my two weeks notice and acted like it was something I had thought about for months.”

–Jackson, 24

6. “I never did the regular job part first. I just moved to Colorado immediately after school to be a ski instructor and I haven’t looked back. Who wants to sit at a desk all day anyway.”

–Alex, 29

7. “I guess technically I didn’t quit to pursue my ‘dream job.’ I was at a marketing firm and was just tired of it and needed a break and had saved up a lot of money. So I put in my notice and then bartender for a year and a half just to do something different and to work with different people. It was awesome, but equally hard in so many different ways. I’m back to marketing, but so glad for the experience. And feeling totally refreshed.”

–Kelly, 26

8. “I was an admin assistant at this place for four months and when my boss and I went to a networking event one day (that I had to go to during my LUNCH hour) I asked him to write out my name tag for me because I had sprained my wrist in my intramural dodgeball league. And he awkwardly stared and me and then sort of panicked and I was like ‘…it’s Madelyn.’ Then I went home and applied to a job at my alma matter’s admissions office on a whim and found out I got it three weeks later and quit immediately.”

–Madelyn, 23

9. “Wedding planning. Turns out it was my dream job either way, I just hated the first person I worked for. She was absolutely insane and I was panicked all the time, but I sucked it up for fifteen months and then got hired by this woman I introduced myself to who planned my cousin’s wedding. And I’ve been working for her for three years and it’s been a dream.”

–Ethan, 29

10. “I had the Sunday night anxiety thing that everyone experiences when the weekend is over, but mine was so much worse than my friends. I was getting maybe three hours of sleep every night because I couldn’t relax my mind enough. The environment at my job was insane, cutthroat, every man for himself kind of thing. So one night my girlfriend sat me down and said she didn’t think I should work there anymore, and she managed to talk me into applying elsewhere. I didn’t even change my career path, but I just found a company that was much better suited to my personality so in a way, it did feel like quitting to pursue my dream job.” TC mark

–Cole, 25

10 Insanely Frustrating Excuses People Make When They Like You (But Not Enough To Date You)

Posted: 10 Mar 2016 06:00 PM PST

iStockPhoto.com / Anne Baek
iStockPhoto.com / Anne Baek

1. "I’m not ready for a relationship."

The cold hard truth is that everyone is ready for a relationship the second they meet someone they actually want to date. If someone positions their lack of willingness to date you as a function of lack of readiness to date in general, they're either delusional about they way things work, or they're flat-out lying.

2. "Our friendship is just too important to me."

This is a maddening statement because whoever says it is effectively trying to position him or herself as the best friend ever, when in fact they're just too cowardly to admit that they're not interested in a relationship with you. Everyone knows that true love is rooted in friendship, so, if anything, the fact that you're such great friends should count as a tick in the relationship upside column. Dating doesn't mean abandoning a friendship. It means expanding upon it.

3. "You’re too much like a brother/sister to me."

Oh really? How nice! Not. The most annoying part about this comment is that the speaker is preying upon your natural aversion to incest rather than owning their reluctance to enter into a relationship with you. Ew.

4. "I wish I could find someone as [insert one or more of your most appealing traits] as you are."

Oh really? Here I am! Hello! If you're actually interested in dating someone JUST LIKE ME, here's a crazy idea: date the actual me. People who say this should be tried for nonsense.

5. "I don’t want to risk things going wrong."

Uh, of course not. No one does. But there's a risk that things will go wrong when you do literally every single thing every single day, from walking out your front door to choosing what you eat for lunch. You can't live a minute without taking some kind of risk, so don't hide behind oh-so-scary hypotheticals.

6. "I don’t want to end up hating each other."

Obviously, no one wants this kind of ending. Unfortunately, it's an option whether or not you date. Friends become frenemies constantly. And when things go awry between besties or even just good friends, the aftermath is often uglier than what happens in the wake of the nastiest breakups. Fear of future hate is a pretty lame excuse not to dabble in romance.

7. "If only we’d met [insert any number] years ago."

Right. Because it's totally reasonable to suggest the impossible. What about the past would make such a big whopping difference, anyway? If you want to date someone, you try to make it happen at whatever time you're lucky enough to cross paths. Let's not blame Time for failing to thrust you into the arms of your Prince or Princess Charming at the exact right second.

8. "If only we could meet [insert any number] years from now."

Another way to take things out on Time instead of saying how you really feel. Sigh.

9. "You’re never single when I need you to be."

Hmmm. Interesting. But, no. Not a hint of honesty to this one. If someone really wants to date you, they should have the decency to at least try to sabotage your existing relationship if you're in one. When someone resigns themselves to moping from the sidelines instead of making a move, it's an obvious sign that the desire's just not there so they should spare you the blah blah blah and stop pretending otherwise.

10. "It’s just not the right time…"

Time! Again! The thing about this remark is that it’s pretty much always incomplete. Do yourself a favor if someone ever says this to you and urge them to finish the statement rather than allowing them to spin a half-truth as some kind of hope certificate. Common second clauses include: It's just not the right time…because I don’t like your thighs and/or I just can’t see myself with a pescatarian and/or I’m in love with someone else who happens to be your best friend and/or I would rather spend my hard earned money on video games than dinner dates and/or I’m still working on having sex with as many people as possible. TC mark

21 Signs You’ve Finally Found That One Great Love

Posted: 10 Mar 2016 04:30 PM PST

Twenty20, tenchiphotos
Twenty20, tenchiphotos

1. You think of your significant other constantly because everything you do is, in some way, about them too.

2. You sincerely miss each other whenever you're apart—and not just when one person's away for the week. You ache for each other when one person pops out to the grocery store, too.

3. You never shop just for yourself anymore because your partner's wants and needs are always on your brain, sometimes even supplanting your own.

4. You buy little things for them all the time, spending money you wouldn't ordinarily spend because it's worth it just to bring them a little joy.

5. You send them photos of anything that makes you laugh (weird signs, odd window displays, a doll face down in a puddle) because everything’s so much funnier if they’re laughing too.

6. There’s literally nothing more irresistible to you than your partner’s smile, and nothing more satisfying than being responsible for triggering it.

7. Yes, the sex is amazing, but the pleasure you’ve come to know as a couple definitely transcends the physical.

8. You don't need special occasions to look forward to because every day you spend together really does feel special. Even the most mundane events have the potential to be extraordinary—as long as you’re together.

9. The word "right" means something more to you than it once did because you experience it firsthand every day you wake up next to your significant other, or sit across from them at dinner.

10. You now fully understand why people make statements you once considered corny and overly dramatic, like 'I would do ANYTHING—even die—for them," because you've finally found someone you honestly feel that strongly about.

11. You feel cosmically connected to your partner, so aware of their energy and presence every second—even when you're not in touch—that you wonder if you're kind of psychic.

12. Sometimes, when you call to check in because you've picked up on some vibe about how your partner’s doing, you're sixth sense is exactly correct. Because you really are experiencing the world through them, not just yourself.

13. Life’s small mishaps—like stepping in poop, or accidentally standing in an elevator for five straight minutes before realizing you haven't even pressed a button—aren't nearly as irksome as they once seemed.

14. It's a whole lot easier to laugh at yourself (and life’s little annoyances) when you know there’s someone out there who loves you no matter what. Your relationship somehow makes everything easier—kind of like magic, you sometimes think.

15. Not even a major catastrophe or failure can throw you off like it once would have because there's so much strength in knowing that you have someone on your side, always.

16. Sometimes, the very thought of that someone leads you to burst at your metaphorical seams with gratitude because you’re just not sure how you’d do things without them.

17. You’re consistently shocked by how cheesy some of the things that come out of your mouth probably sound—and yet, they’re honest. Just like the sentiment behind those pet names you once swore you’d never reduce yourself to.

18. You're not living a first-person narrative anymore. Yours is an epic love story centered on the type of fairytale relationship you could only once dream of.

19. You know there will be ups and downs along the way because no couple is immune to difficulties, but you also know that your love is strong enough to withstand absolutely anything.

20. Because you're both committed to the same non-ending: Doing whatever it takes to stay together. Forever. And ever.

21. And every single moment is enriched by the knowledge that you're no longer alone, and you’ll never have to be. TC mark

The 13 Hottest Sex Stories From All Around The Internet (That Are Better Than Porn)

Posted: 10 Mar 2016 04:20 PM PST

27 Men Describe The Hottest Sext That Made Them Cum In Their Pants Immediately

Posted: 10 Mar 2016 04:10 PM PST

Ona Artist
Ona Artist

1. “My all time favorite sext said ‘you’re welcome any time, anywhere.’ That’s the one I always think about.” — Pat, 25

beetlejuice

2. “I had a crush on a coworker but I never did a thing about it until she left. We both got tipsy at her going away happy hour and went home. I started texting her and things heated up quickly. Finally, she sent me a picture of her boobs. I wrote back that they looked amazing, to which she responded ‘not as good as they’d look with your cum on them.’ I Ubered to her place immediately and we had the hottest sex ever.” — Andy, 24

beetlejuice

3. “I’m super visual so the best sexts I get from my wife are pictures. It works out for me because she’s kind of an exhibitionist. She’ll sneak off into the bathroom at work and send me something naughty to brighten up my afternoon.” — Rick, 30

beetlejuice

4. “When I was on a business trip my girlfriend Snapchatted me a picture of her in bed. The caption said ‘thanks for the orgasm.’ The idea of her in bed touching herself and thinking about me drove me crazy. I couldn’t wait to get home and make her cum again.” — Justin, 27

beetlejuice

4. “The first time I slept with my wife when we started dating was a week night because I remember being at work a few hours later when she sent me a message that said ‘I came so hard last night you almost made me pass out.’ I was pretty nervous about how the night went because it was a new thing, but I felt like a fucking rockstar after that. And I was happy she wasn’t playing games and making me guess how she felt about me. I set up another date immediately and things just got better from there.” — Brad, 33

beetlejuice

5. “I dated an art student. Once she said ‘Come over tonight. Bring a sharpie and write "I love you" all over my body.’ It was strange… but very fun.” — Leo, 25

beetlejuice

6. “A girl once asked me to come over but it was late and I had work the next day so I politely declined. Over Snapchat she sent me a video of her getting herself off. The caption said ‘down for round 2?’ Watching her face in the video along with the invitation to see it again drove me crazy. I went over after all and the live show was even better.” — Mike, 23

beetlejuice

7. “A FWB once said ‘I’ve always thought it would be really hot to try anal.’ Yup.” — Sean, 22

beetlejuice

8. “My ex-girlfriend LOVED to tease me. She would start in the morning and send me a pic of the bra she was wearing that day, or her panties. Sometimes in the afternoon I’d get her bare breasts in her company’s bathroom. In-between she’d describe how she was going to suck on my balls and get very specific about all the places she wanted her tongue to be as soon as we saw each other. I kept getting hard at my work which was annoying, but god I miss her.” — Brian, 31

beetlejuice

9. “I broke up with my ex-girlfriend but I couldn’t stop fucking her for an entire year because she would text me things like ‘I’m still thinking about the way your face looks when I’m swallowing your cum. I need to see it again.’ How can you say no to that?” — Danny, 25

beetlejuice

10. “I had been having so much fun hooking up with this girl for the past few months. We were only ‘dating’ in the most casual sense of the word but we always had a great time together. One day she sent me a text that said ‘I think I’m in love with your cock.’ It was so perfect, it turned me on while also making me laugh.” — Jason, 28

beetlejuice

11. “She said ‘tell me again why you’re not cumming down my throat right now?’ She had a good point.” — Adam, 29

beetlejuice

12. “It was a picture of her and her best friend laying in bed and lifting up their shirts so I could see both of their boobs. It was supposed to be more silly than sexual, but holy shit this is my number one favorite memory. I still think about it all the time when I jerk off.” — David, 35

beetlejuice

13. “I was a late bloomer so I was always insecure about how I was with women in my 20’s. Then one girl sent me a text that said ‘your dick is literally perfect and I would ride it every morning if I could.’ Now whenever I feel insecure, I think about that text to psych myself up.” — Sam, 32

beetlejuice

14. “She won’t admit it but when she was intoxicated once my girlfriend told me she wanted to ‘drink my cum for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.’ She thinks it was too nasty or explicit or whatever but her enthusiasm for me is hot as fuck.” — Brandon, 25

beetlejuice

15. “My high school girlfriend once sent ‘you got it Daddy.’ She didn’t mean it sexually at the time but… that’s how I figured out that that’s something that does it for me.” — Jake, 23

beetlejuice

16. “Out of nowhere the girl I’m dating said ‘I want you to fuck my face.’ She’s a preacher’s daughter.” — Josh, 26

beetlejuice

17. “My cock is average size, it’s nothing special. But a girl I was casually sleeping with got drunk and told me no one has “filled” her like I did. Instant boner, forever confidence.” — Rob, 28

beetlejuice

18. “The day before we left for our first vacation together my then girlfriend sent me a picture of her ass in her new bikini and said “we better not come home until your handprint is on this ass.” The girl loves to be spanked.” — Pete, 36

beetlejuice

19. “I once date a conservative girl and for some reason I was the one that brought out her freak side. She would text me the nastiest shit like ‘I can’t decide what I need more right now, your cum in my mouth or your cum in my pussy’ and ‘I want you to teach me how to make you cum in under two minutes.’ The fact that she was so eager and open and freaky really turned me on.” — John, 30

beetlejuice

20. “On a first date with a girl I met at a bar I felt my phone buzz so I looked at my texts quickly. It was from her. It said ‘I’m already wet’. I’ve never been so horny at a coffee shop before.” — Carl, 27

beetlejuice

21. “We’ve been married five years and “come home so I can fuck your brains out” still works wonders for me.” — Steve, 33

beetlejuice

22. “I saw the Packers lost. Blow job?” — Ed, 29

beetlejuice

23. “One night my girlfriend and I were sleeping at our own apartments. She Snapchatted me “I’m about to fuck myself so hard with my toy and think of you.” We’d never done anything like it before, but we ended up sending each other pictures and masturbating to each other for hours. It was incredibly hot even though we were kind of used to having sex at that point.” — Justin, 33

beetlejuice

24. “I had a terrible day at work and texted my FWB about it. She responded “I’ll fuck you until you can’t remember it if you come over later.” Not only did I instantly forget about what a bad mood I was supposed to be in, but we had a lot of good sex later.” — Tom, 30

beetlejuice

25. “I like it when a girl texts me that she’s sore the next day. I feel like a champion stud and I know I made her feel good too.” — Nick, 27

beetlejuice

26. “Out of nowhere one of my (I thought platonic) girl friends texted me “by the way I’m really good at sucking dick and I don’t want to get out of practice, lmk if you could help a girl out.” I totally admired her confidence. We started seeing each other occasionally just for sex and it was so hot to have this dirty secret none of our mutual friends knew about.” — Paul, 34

beetlejuice

27. “She just said ‘Cum over and don’t say anything, I want to blow you for at least a half hour before I make you cum harder than you ever have before.’ She delivered and it’s my favorite memory.” — Matt, 31 TC mark

For more R-rated content follow Thought Catalog After Dark here.

13 Men On That One Little Thing A Woman Does That Always Impresses Them

Posted: 10 Mar 2016 03:20 PM PST

thought.is
thought.is

1. “I’m impressed by any woman who can get me with a comeback so good I have absolutely nothing to say in return.” —Tom, 26

beetlejuice

2. “Just being well educated on a specific topic. It doesn’t matter what it is, just something that shows you actually know what you’re talking about and you’re passionate about it. It can be dress designers for all I care, just as long as you’re passionate about what you like.” —Jim, 24

beetlejuice

3. “I wouldn’t necessarily say it impresses me when a woman can have an intellectual conversation, because that makes it sound like I think the majority of women can’t, but I definitely enjoy a woman with intelligence.” —Andrew, 27

beetlejuice

4. “A woman who has enough ambition to not depend on a man is pretty impressive in my book. It’s attractive when you don’t need me in your life, you just want me in it.” —Darren, 26

beetlejuice

5. “It’s impressive when a woman uses her brain more than her body, which is a rare occurrence nowadays.” —Eli, 26

beetlejuice

6. “I like a woman who can drink me under the table. If she can go shot for shot with me and a bottle of Jameson, that’s impressive.” —Jared, 27

beetlejuice

7. “I’m impressed by a woman who knows what she wants, and is not afraid to go after it.” —Brent, 29

beetlejuice

8. “I’m impressed when the girl next to me on the treadmill is on it before I get there, and is still running by the time I’m so exhausted I have to get off.” —Mark, 25

beetlejuice

9. “I’m pretty impressed by what she does with her mouth during oral.” —Anthony, 23

beetlejuice

10. “I can appreciate a combination of motivation and determination. If you’re not motivated, you’re not interesting.” —Paul, 28

beetlejuice

11. “I’m usually impressed by her empathy. Doesn’t mean she has to be sensitive, but just her ability to attempt to understand how other people are feeling.” —Alex, 25

beetlejuice

12. “A girl who has talent. Doesn’t have to be anything grand like she’s the next Beyonce, just something she enjoys doing and that she’s good at.” —Dennis, 24

beetlejuice

13. “She knows exactly who she is and she’s not afraid to express it.” —Rob, 27 TC mark

A Love Letter To ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer’ On Its 19th Birthday

Posted: 10 Mar 2016 03:00 PM PST

Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Buffy The Vampire Slayer

When I heard your name for the first time, I sneered openly. How stupid, I thought. How silly. It’s because of that teenage stubbornness to try new things that I was delayed in meeting you by a few years. I can’t even remember what made me give you a shot — in all honesty, it was probably the fact that you were running in CONSTANT syndication on FX, or more likely the pure visual appeal of Spike — but once I did at age 17, I was hooked.

You taught me so much at a time in my life where nothing was constant and everything was confusing. Through demons and witches and near-apocalypses, you related to me in a way that no one else could. Sure, sometimes the metaphors were heavy-handed. But they worked. They touched my untouchable teen heart and, as a woman now approaching 30, I find there’s still more I can learn from you as I go through your episodes once again via the miracle of Netflix.

Instagram Photo

You taught me that I wasn’t the only person who felt invisible to the point of actually being invisible.

You taught me that while you’re longing for someone who barely recognizes you as a potential partner, that same person may be doing the same thing to someone equally untouchable.

You taught me that just because someone seems to have it all together, have it all going for them, that doesn’t make them any less human, any less hurting.

You taught me that friends can become family.

You taught me that people usually have the best intentions, even when it feels like they’re putting you through hell, and that you should forgive them.

You taught me that sometimes you must sacrifice everything for the sake of the ones you love — whether it’s your soulmate or yourself.

You taught me that just because you want to be the strong one, the one who takes it all on, doesn’t mean you can’t cry.

You taught me that people, even the ones who seem the most irredeemable, can change.

You taught me that just because a person feels right for you, it doesn’t mean they are.

You taught me that loss is a universal experience, and that just because your world stops doesn’t mean everything else does.

You taught me that grief can consume you — and that it can heal you, too.

You taught me that the only person who can (and should) complete you is you.

You taught me that the hardest thing in this world is to live in it.

And so, thanks to all you’ve taught me, I will be brave. I will live.

Thank you. TC mark

All The Ways I Want To Love You

Posted: 10 Mar 2016 02:31 PM PST

istockphoto.com / wundervisuals
istockphoto.com / wundervisuals

I want it to always be a choice for both of us. Maybe we didn’t choose to fall in love with each other, maybe it just happened because we’re very lucky. But I want us to choose every day to stay in love, especially when it’s not easy to love each other. I want to love you when you’re irritating me beyond belief and when you’re leaving a mess everywhere you go. And I want you to love me when I’m frustrating you with my lack of patience and when I’m always forgetting to do that one thing you asked me to do.

I want it to be simple. Not because being in a relationship with you will be simple, but because my mindset will be simple. Every decision, as hard as it may be to follow through on, will come with a yes or no answer. “Does it help us? Will it help you and I, together? Yes or no?” I want every decision we make to be made together. And when I have to make a difficult choice, I want to be at peace with the fact that it’s better for both of us in the long run, instead of worrying about what’s easier for me short-term.

I want to always be me without you, and I want you to always be you without me. But I want us both to feel like no matter how secure we are as individuals, no matter how well we know ourselves, we’re always happier being us than we are being you and I. We’re stronger being us, we’re more joyful being us, we want one life made up of two parts.

I want to feel pain when you feel pain. Not because it feels good, but because it’s a reminder that my heart and my soul live outside my body and a reminder of what a strange, mysterious force love can be. I want to feel pain when you feel pain because it’s a reminder that there’s a person out there who I care about a thousand times more than I care about myself. A person who reminds me not to live inside of my own head and inside of my own world, because there’s something so much greater in front of me, if I would just open my eyes and remember that I’m just a spec in this universe.

I want to be a presence in front of you. I want to be able to sit across the table and look at you and make you feel better after a long, bad day, without you even needing to say anything. I want you to be able to look at me and feel like there is someone in the world who cares about you and understands you and hears you, even if you don’t communicate your feelings through words. I just want to be able to nod my head, to say I know without saying it.

I want to always be surprised by you, no matter how well I know you. I want you to sometimes feel like a stranger to me, because there’s always still so many things I have yet to learn about you. Or maybe they are things that I once knew but that are different now, because you never stop changing and you make me want to never stop changing.

I want to always like you, in addition to loving you. I want to irresistibly smile when I see you, to laugh when you’re not even trying to be funny, to feel better watching tv next to you because your presence calms me even if we’re not saying anything to each other. I want to love you and like you because the decision is always so simple: yes or no? TC mark