Thought Catalog


45 People Describe The Best Sex They’ve Ever Had In Exactly Ten Words

Posted: 16 Mar 2016 08:00 PM PDT

Photo by OnaArtist.com
Photo by OnaArtist.com

1. “She teased the tip, engulfed it all, then mounted it.”


2. “A musician with fingers so nimble, my vagina his fiddle.”


3. “His dick was massive, every pump increasingly satisfying—orgasmic bliss.”


4. “One night, three times: from behind, like scissors, then missionary.”


5. “Plumpest lips, biggest tits, firmest ass, tightest pussy I've entered.”


6. “Kinky babe sucked me, fucked me, then sucked me again.”


7. “I was muff-diving when she first queafed, so unexpectedly intimate.”


8. “Just thinking about it makes me cream in my pants.”


9. “She sucked my dick and then I fucked her tits.”


10. “It was a threesome, equal parts vagina and penis. Yum.”


11. “He pushed deeper and deeper and I screamed and creamed.”


12. “Pulled out to squirt a Jackson Pollock on her stomach.”


13. “Spanking, whipping, flogging, pinching—we danced between pleasure and pain.”


14. “She orgasmed thrice that night and twice the next morning.”


15. “We fucked so hard the bed broke and her vagina hurt.”


16. “He ate me out before and after: oral sex god.”


17. “Teased her with a vibrator then plunged my dick inside.”


18. “Every move of her pelvis aroused the devil inside me.”


19. “Ball massage, taint tonguing, dick sucking, then fucking…and fucking.”


20. “Rubbed my cock at curtain drop, fucked me at intermission.”


21. “She blew like a pro, and fucked like one too.”


22. “He watched me go down on her, then we fucked.”


23. “Sex swing, nipple clamps, handcuffs. It wasn't a vanilla night.”


24. “'Fuck me fuck me fuck me!' I screamed. So hot.”


25. “Came on her face and she licked her lips happily.”


26. “I finger-banged her until she begged and begged for cock.”


27. “She squeezed her pussy tighter than I ever thought possible.”


28. “Played just the tip and then I plunged it in.”


29. “She touched herself til she was wet enough to fuck.”


30. “In one night I explored every hole in her body.”


31. “Her body was a fucking wonderland and I pounded it.”


32. “'Let him watch,' she said and we performed our best.”


33. “Swapped partners with the neighbors to spice things up. Awesome.”


34. “'Suck my tits and put it inside me!' she shouted.”


35. “Clutch and release, clutch and release, her vag was magic.”


36. “She let me try the Cincinnati bowtie, somehow L-bombs followed.”


37. “Too horny to wait, we fucked in the cab home.”


38. “Never met a girl so into experimenting, naughty little temptress.”


39. “Got drunk and high, had naughty sex all night long.”


40. “'I'm wet' she whispered—sex in the airplane bathroom followed.”


41. “She farted so loudly and we both laughed to climax.”


42. “Her clit was sensitive and she flicked it throughout lovemaking.”


43. “He's all I think about when I masturbate—that mind-blowing.”


44. “Anal was tricky but it definitely brought us closer together.”


45. “He literally charmed my pants off, then got me off.” TC mark

14 Difficult Emotions That Actually Indicate You’re Experiencing Growth

Posted: 16 Mar 2016 07:00 PM PDT

Jérôme Licht
Jérôme Licht

1. Inadequacy.

Remaining at an unchallenging, stagnant job for multiple years is never going to make you feel incompetent or self-conscious, because no one is asking you to do anything other than the same thing over and over again. But being in a situation in which you do feel inadequate usually means you’re daring yourself to keep aiming for more than what you have or who you are in this moment.

2. Disorientation. 

Feeling like you’ve lost your bearings can be stressful and overwhelming. But whether it’s from starting a new job, moving to a new city, or anything else that pulls you out of your comfort zone, it teaches you how to consistently and confidently adapt to new situations – something that’s going to happen for the rest of your life, whether you like it or not.

3. Anxiety. 

If you’re trying to change your life – or yourself – for the better, you’re naturally going to feel anxious, because it means breaking your routine, opening yourself up to failure, and swimming in deep and unfamiliar waters. It’s a rattling feeling, but if experiencing growth in your life were easy, you would have done it already.

4. Isolation. 

Sometimes, trying something new can initially make you feel alienated from others. It’s not a permanent feeling, and most of the time, it ends up bringing you closer to some people in the long run. But those fledgling feelings of loneliness and distance are usually happening because you’re challenging yourself to grow whilst being surrounded by people who are staying put.

5. Heartbreak. 

Whether it’s romantic heartbreak or heartbreak from trying something new and failing at it, either way you are putting yourself out there and opening yourself up to things that can make your life better. Sometimes, they don’t work out, and it’s incredibly painful. But your heart is a very powerful force, and it’s capable of bouncing back, and in the meantime, that ache that you’re going through is only making your heart and your soul stronger.

6. Restlessness. 

Your body and your brain begin to feel this type of edginess when you’ve become aware that something in your life, or in the lives of many, needs to change. It’s not pleasant, but it’s your mind’s way of ensuring that you’re not going to sit still until you make it happen, whatever it is.

7. Humility. 

Growth doesn’t have to mean feeling ashamed or embarrassed. But you can still experience humility in a positive and beneficial way in your life, by realizing that no matter how successful or influential you become, you always have more to learn, everyone you meet has something to teach you, and you will never reach a place of complete knowledge and omnipotence – and should therefore never stop asking questions or asking for help.

8. Uncertainty. 

It means you’re learning how to make a choice that you think is right, to the best of your knowledge, even when you cannot be given all the information or any guarantee that things will work out.

9. Mental and emotional exhaustion.

A feeling that can be both overwhelming and satisfying, that comes from the fact that you’re doing everything in your power to make life better in some way for yourself and those around you, even if “making life better” just means working hard at your job and trying to be a good friend to someone who’s going through a really difficult time.

10. Self-awareness.

Sometimes it will make you overthink things, and question even the tiniest thing you’re doing. It takes some getting used to, but it’s a wonderful way to pay closer attention to the way you make others feel and how your decisions and choices can affect those around you.

11. Shakiness.

To feel like you’re constantly trembling, whether that’s physical or mental or both, often means you’re forcing yourself to move through uncharted territory. Feeling unsteady on your feet, as uncomfortable as it may be, often happens because you are challenging yourself to take the road less traveled, as opposed to the easy, less intimidating path that most people gravitate to.

12. Intense empathy.

…Particularly for those who are in a plight that is completely unlike anything you’ve ever experienced. When you’ve gone through struggle, anxiety, and pain, you have a better understanding of how to relate to and show sympathy towards others. And most importantly, as intimidating as it may seem, you become aware of your responsibility to help others, even if you have never been in the same boat before.

13. Doubt.

When your life is easy and you encounter no obstacles, there’s nothing to doubt. But when you’re constantly demanding better of yourself and refusing to accept a life of monotony and effortlessness, you’re going to feel insecure and unsure of yourself a great deal of the time.

14. Claustrophobia. 

It’s a sign that your world is getting too small for you. It’s not to imply that you have to leave everything and everyone you care about behind. It’s just an indication that it’s time for you to expand your world view and step a little further outside of the bubble in which you currently reside. TC mark

18 People Share Their Wild And Raunchy Tales Of Using Hookup Sites

Posted: 16 Mar 2016 06:00 PM PDT

Jérôme Licht
Jérôme Licht
Found on AskReddit.

1. Craigslist gangbang

"Met a couple on Craigslist where the husband was wanting people to gangbang his wife. I’ve never done anything anywhere close to that before, and while I have talked to the couple a few more times, the timing hasn’t worked out for me to do it again. The chick was decently hot, probably late 30’s or so and a personal trainer with an amazing body. Both she and her husband were very nonchalant about the whole thing and it was one of the most energizing experiences of my life. We text back and forth occasionally and I hope to one day get that opportunity again. 10/10 would recommend."

2. Sex and pancakes from Tinder

"So…Tinder? Yes, it turned into one of the best night/days of my life. I was new to the country and didn’t really know my way around anywhere. I was bored at the hotel and I had just got my new phone SIM. Decided to try out Tinder as it was in the top 5? apps at the time. Met up with a girl and a group of her friends a few hours later and they took me around the clubs in town. Night ended in sex and in the morning everyone made pancakes and they took me to the zoo. I thought it was time to leave after the zoo but they invited me to play beach ball midday.

TL;DR New to town, used tinder, had sex, received pancakes, went to the zoo, played beach ball, still friends."

3. Craigslist glory hole

"I used Craigslist, and found a private glory hole in someone’s house. I went there like 10 times and she/he was amazing.

It was most likely a dude but I am pansexual so it doesn’t bother me one way or the other. Not knowing is what makes it exciting though. I’d like to pretend they were a MtF trans. That’s the dream.

For those who want to know how it went down, I found the post on Craigslist, so I sent them a message. They had a plywood slab set up in a doorway. It had a hole in it that was covered with duct tape so you wouldn’t get a splinter. It was set up between their laundry room and kitchen I think. They would tell me what time I could come over, and they left the door to their laundry room unlocked. I would come in, stick my dick in the hole, and enjoy."

4. It was all good except for Tiny Dick Dude

"I did, in 2002, right after I separated from my husband. A friend told me to check out Lavalife. I was in my late 20s and after being with the same guy since before I could legally drink, I felt that I was owed some one-night stands.

Met one guy and made out in a Burger King parking lot. That one went nowhere.

Met one guy who spent the night twice, so I guess he was a two-night stand. After the second night, he dropped off the planet. No way to know for certain, but I think that guy might have been married.

One guy was great in bed (and the shower, and the couch), but was not a dude I could have a conversation with. Had a massive schlong, too. Like, it was fun for a night but only a good idea when I was really drunk.

One guy was interesting, but had the tiniest dick ever.

And that was it. Shortly after Tiny Dick Dude, I met the guy who I later married. And thus ended my experience with Internet hook ups.

Tl;dr: wasn’t killed, wasn’t raped, had okay sex, don’t regret anything with the possible of the exception of the tiny dick dude."

5. Hitting up seedy bars in bad neighborhoods feels way less filthy to me

"I tried them out. I won’t even use OKC anymore (guy). Hitting up seedy bars in bad neighborhoods feels way less filthy to me.

Every woman I’ve met online has never mentioned protection. NEVER. It makes me cringe when I think about the sheer amount of herpes on Tinder alone. I’ve had one ‘date’ rip my condom off immediately after telling me she’s not on the pill.

Even with a condom, it still feels like Russian roulette, because everyone using these sites seems to think nothing of regularly fucking strangers bareback….And unless everyone’s using condoms, you may get the joy experiencing another man’s cream pie/unholy milkshake all over your junk.

Overall, it’s been a waste of time. Lots of mediocre sex. Some sex so bad I wish I could unhave it."

6. I went wild on PlentyOfFish

"I signed up for PlentyOfFish after I broke up with my last boyfriend and had lost a ton of weight. I was originally trying to actually meet guys to date, but it ended up turning into just a bunch of hook-ups. I met a lot of guys and had a lot of one-night stands. I also ended up with a few FWBs.

Honestly, I went wild. I don’t regret it at all because I got to have sexual experiences that I would never get to have now with my husband. It helped me improve myself in terms of sex and pleasing men, as well as myself. I also feel it helped me grow as a person. I grew too attached to some of these guys and had my heart broken a few times. I came out all right in the end, though.

Some of the guys I used to hook up with do contact me out of the blue, but I’m married and about to have a kid, so it’s really weird. I just make polite conversation and then never speak to them again lol."

7. Craigslist threesomes

"Am a bi male (that’s simplified but will do) in a hetero relationship with a straight girl for the last 3 years. Mostly on vacations, but sometimes locally we will use Craigslist to find a guy for a three-way.

I’d honestly say we are average looking, but usually get dozens to hundreds of responses, (80% or more are immediately discarded). We’ve had 2 what I would call successful one-night events, a couple of kinda awkward encounters, and one ongoing FWB that got a little weird at the end.

Cheaters do abound, and we won’t help someone cheat, that we know of. It’s actually kind of interesting how many people are upfront about it.

Occasionally we have posted an ad and just go “well, haven’t gotten anything in a hundred responses that sounds good” so we just go on our way and take it down.

We do get some of the kinda creepy “well, I’m not bi or gay, but I guess I can do guy on guy stuff so I can play with the girl.” That to me is pretty sad and desperate and not what we want.

So, long story short, usually works out, some hiccups, some meets that have started in public and end up with no connection, some last minute cancellations, but never had a no show."

8. Lost my virginity on Craigslist

"Last summer I had just reached a point where I was in the best shape of my life, really had been working on my looks and appearance and I was about as tired as you can get about still being a virgin. I’d put some posts up on Craigslist a few times in the past but they weren’t very serious and didn’t have much on them so there’s no real surprise that I didn’t get any responses.

This time I was very straightforward on what I was looking for, had a good picture of myself and made it a point to refresh my ad every 3 days. After a couple refreshes I got a got a reply from a woman who basically said I was a fake and demanded we swap proof pictures. (She had a huge thing for redheads.) She was a very fit, mid-thirties but still had a really cute geeky kind of look to her. We met for coffee about a week after she messaged me and spent an hour talking about Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead since I’d mentioned it in my post on Craigslist (Put a favorite show in your subject line). If I was reading this I’d probably be like, “yeah that happened.” I got extremely lucky.

One thing I remember vividly was how there was this stuck up, snobby looking woman sitting with her husband in the cafe at the table next to us the entire time we were talking. The tables were situated so the woman I met had her back to the snobby old woman’s back, I thought for a second the snobby lady’s neck was literally going to snap the way she spun around to look at us when we finally talked for a little bit about sex and what our expectations were from each other.

I met up with her another week later at her place and the rest is history, people talk about how awkward their first time was but honestly it felt very natural and relaxed for me, no nerves at all. Her attitude towards sex and the whole situation made it really easy to just enjoy myself and focus on the experience. I’m not saying I was amazing in bed but she liked me enough to bring me back almost every weekend for the rest of the summer so I learned a lot, turns out I got a skill for giving head and that probably helped with the repeat invites. As far as first times go I honestly don’t think I could have asked for a better time or person to experience that with and I’m really grateful to her, we still text each other occasionally about Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead."
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9. Her boyfriend beat me up and she gave me chlamydia

"I was in my early 20s and had just had a kid. The mother and I lived together but were not dating and had separate bedrooms. I found it impossible to date under those circumstances, so I followed one of those links and ended up on sexsearch.com. I believe I paid $30 for a month.

I can’t remember how many random people I talked to. Mostly they didn’t reply, because I didn’t want to use my picture on the website. When I found the woman I went to prom with on the website, it reaffirmed my caution. (I didn’t message her.)

Anyway, I finally found someone who had pictures that I couldn’t believe were possibly real. She was REALLY, REALLY good-looking, thin, great smile. We started a conversation, and though there wasn’t much substance, we moved toward the inevitable ‘we gon’ fuck’ moment while I looked for any signs that it was a bot. I think I decided I believed she was a person when she reminded me she owns a gun as we were meeting up.

So we agreed to meet at a park in the middle of the night. Now, I very easily could’ve been murdered, and I was aware of that at the time, but I hadn’t had sex in like a year so at that point I was basically ready to die. But seriously, never underestimate how fucking stupid someone is willing to be when they want to have sex. Anyway, I drove and parked and met her on the sidewalk, and what the fuck dude she was as hot as her pictures. Just fucking gorgeous.

We went into the park and laid down a blanket she had brought and, yeah, we had sex. And she told me to tell her I loved her, so I did, and that was my first inclination that something might be kinda fucked up here.

We finished and left just as it was getting light in the morning, with each other’s phone numbers, and she called me a few weeks later and asked me to come over to her house. It was at this point that I learned she had three kids of her own (though I could kinda tell from stretch marks), and through talking to her, I learned that she worked at a phone sex hotline. She apparently would leave work super horny a lot of the time, including the night she met up with me. What I didn’t learn at that time was that she still had a boyfriend and that he lived with her.

So I come over to her house, and the kids are gone, and we have sex. And this becomes something of a regular thing, and I should fucking know better because she keeps peeking out windows and telling me to leave quickly, but it’s good sex other than her insisting that I tell her I love her the entire time, which, yeah, it’s hard to have sex with someone on the regular without developing feelings, so I didn’t feel so bad about it after a while. Have I mentioned I’m a scumbag?

So, one time we’re having sex, and I hear the door starting to be unlocked. I’m like, ‘Who’s that?’ And she panics and says, ‘My boyfriend.’ And I’m like ‘What?’ The door opens and this beefy Asian dude comes in and says, ‘Are you [my name]?’ Dude straight up knew my name. I said ‘Yes.’ She’s stammering that we’re just hanging out and nothing’s happening. (We had our clothes back on by the time he came in and were sitting on opposite sides of the room.) This dude proceeds to walk up and start punching me in the head.

Here’s the weirdest thing. I’m not sure if he sucked at punching or if it was adrenaline, but I didn’t feel a damn thing. He was just bouncing my head around with his fists and I was sitting there with my arms up in a feeble defense and he was just going at it. I made literally no attempt to fight back because, on some level, I was aware that I was fucking this dude’s girlfriend and this was, y’know, a pretty appropriate reaction on his part. Eventually he stops punching, I think because I’m just standing there, not reacting at all to his punches, and he’s hyperventilating with the meanest look on his face I’ve ever seen. I say, ‘Okay, I’m gonna go.’

I walk out the front door, she leans out after me and says, ‘I’m sorry, we can’t be friends anymore’ and closes the door.

I believe it’s like two years before she called me again, to tell me that she was depressed and lonely and wanted to meet up, and it somehow came out that the dude who had punched me, the father of her children, had been killed in a hit and run and that she was now a stripper. So, we did it one last time for old time’s sake. She dropped a bag of crack on the floor of my living room and then asked if I wanted it. I was like ‘No thanks,’ and that was when I decided definitively not to hook up with her anymore.

Also, she gave me chlamydia."

10. AdultFriendFinder three-way

"My girlfriend at the time and I signed up for an AdultFriendFinder account to look for someone to have a three-way with (MFM, no guy-on-guy). We weren’t just going for sexual attraction, though, but also looking for someone that we wouldn’t mind hanging out with someone around our own age. We couldn’t find anyone that fit our bill 100% (and anybody whose first contact with us was a dick pic was automatically out, since we had a line in our profile clearly stating we didn’t want to see dick pics), but we did find a guy who was about 10 years older who was chill and not pushy. We ended up meeting up in public, then went back to his place, hung out for a bit, then spit-roasted the fuck out of her.

It was pretty good. We all used protection, nothing went wrong. It was a lot of work just to find someone we actually felt comfortable with, though."

11. Fetlife gangbang

"I (male) was on Fetlife, and I answered a request seeking guys for a gangbang. I got in contact with the host, he sent a picture of the girl who was super hot, then he sent me a time and an address (at a hotel). I showed up along with six other guys and we collectively banged the shit out of this hot blonde. It was actually incredible, like living out porn. She had a guy with her so she wasn’t just by herself. Everyone wore condoms and was very safe and respectful. And everyone was so friendly!

After this initial gangbang I got put on ‘The List.’ The GB organizer would send out emails when he had girls interested, with details about time, place, pictures, and what was on/off limits. Over the next six months I went to about 10 gangbangs before getting over the whole thing. That was only a fraction of the women who were actually interested in GBs, sometimes I’d get three emails a week, apparently lots of women have this fantasy. Organization is the most difficult part, you have to organize the schedules of 10 people and get a hotel reserved in a central location."
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12. Gaydar and Grindr

"I don’t know what you exotic stories you expect, but it’s actually what anyone would expect it to be for gay guys. I’ve used Craigslist and Gaydar, both years ago, and it’s worked in two ways. On Craigslist I once offered an extra concert ticket and found a guy who was to become a years-long friend. On Gaydar, I found someone to show me around a new city, we hit it off but not sexually—another friend. But I also met several guys who almost literally did not want to talk at all, just fuck. Exchanging names was too much for them. I found it tiresome after just a few times.

Then there’s Grindr. I haven’t personally used Grindr more than a few hours to see if there’d be interest, as I was/am in a committed relationship, but I’ve seen people have lots and lots of fun—just chatting/flirting, exchanging pics, hanging out and going dancing with friends, or just meeting up to fuck (or do other sexual activity). Grindr users seem more OK with themselves (at least the ones with faces in their pics) and not embarrassed or ashamed or rushed like Craigslist users were. So they’re more willing to become friends with benefits, with the amount of ‘friend’ and the amount of ‘benefit’ much more flexible. I would use it if I found myself single again.

Straight people may have drastically different results."

13. I used OKCupid to hook up with 30 guys over two months

"I (female) used OKCupid to hook up with about 30 guys in a two month period, some of them multiple times but mostly not.

I ended up ditching the site for a short-lived, unfortunate relationship with one of the guys and went back after my next, current, wonderful relationship became open and turned my account back off about a week later when I realized why I was glad I’d left the site:

It’s made to be an addiction. You get all the sex and/or human connection you want, but these sites are based on a quantity model. As in to have any hope of finding quality, unless you beat the odds, you have to play by quantity. You have to go on as many dates as possible to have one really, truly good one.

Not that most of the dates were bad. Just that you have so many mediocre or fine or pretty all right dates that you start to forget what a good one feels like.

Now I’m a classy slut so I almost always vetted these guys with food or coffee before taking them back to my place, so I got really good at small talk. By the end of two months I started loathing all of them. I remember sitting in a cafe, staring at the steam from my coffee cup, listening to a guy I liked well enough (we both liked books by the Lost Generation and bad horror movies) talk about his relationship with his mom, which I had started by bringing up my mom, and I realized how fucking bored I was. I didn’t give a shit about his mom or anybody else’s. I caught myself actively waiting for him to stop talking so that it would be my turn again, because this was the third guy this week I’d heard talk about his mom and he just cared so much more than I ever could. And I said to myself, ‘this isn’t me; I can’t be this shitty to people.’

I got over 1000 profile views a day on OK Cupid. I got on average messages from 30 different guys a day. Even winnowing out the ‘hey bb wunt sum fuck’ messages that left me with at least 5-10 prospects a day, and I wasn’t being all that picky at first. Then I started being picky, but only about looks, because I realized after 20 or so first dates that I had no way to figure out how our personalities would really mesh until I met him in person, so I decided, screw it, I’ll just try to cut down on the overwhelming number of meaningless, shallow interactions by only having them with the exceptionally hot guys. I hated myself for that, too.

The crazy thing is, I went into this thinking I was going to learn a lot about having sex. All I really learned was how to have bad sex, or pretty okay sex. I never had truly amazing sex during these hook-ups. It was, above all, mediocre. These guys would all kiss poorly, likely sloppily, and there was lots of lead-up to the sex, but I wouldn’t call it foreplay; rather, it was an extended make-out session where we tested how far the other person was willing to go, and once we were both naked it was ‘okay time for the main event: penis in vagina!’ I gave a little head here and there when requested or I felt like it but I never received head (I asked a few times and they’d give a few half-hearted licks before saying ‘I can’t wait’ and going to the p-I-v). Then, I swear to God, every one of these guys became a literal jackhammer. They went for, above all, SPEED. They fucked me as fast as they fucking could. Not as hard as they could, not as well as they could; fast. I had to stop myself from laughing at it so often. I felt like a masturbation tool. One that was worshipped like a goddess and treated like a human being, just… They all had sex like they were masturbating into me. Because they didn’t know a thing about how to have good sex from anybody’s perspective but their own.

And don’t get me wrong. Most sex with most people is bad the first time. You just don’t know how the other person works. So a word to the wise guys out there: The first time you fuck a girl, do everything as slowly as you can. Get to the sex slower. Rub her clit first, very softly and slowly. Eat her out a little. Kiss all the way down her body. When you get to the p-I-v, don’t be a jackhammer. Like Tenacious D says, fuck her gently. Move slowly, every movement of every muscle made with intention. It will be amazing, for you and for her. She will call you back. You’re not going to be able to be a porn star that first night. But you can be sensual, and fucking great.

I met all kinds of guys. Guys who were in the game the same way I was and just wanted a few rounds of Smash Bros before bouncing their balls off my clit while they doggie-styled me. Guys who stuck to missionary with a passion and were heartbroken—literally—when I wouldn’t return their calls after a one-night stand that was a walk in the park with a joint, a movie in bed and some sex—the first day we met. Guys everywhere in between. But in the end there were so many guys that they all just felt kind of the same. I liked a lot of them a lot and would have probably dated them a while in more classical circumstances but there just wasn’t any real spark. And I was glad I had gotten the sex out of the way so quickly. Once that question was answered it was easier to see them for who they were instead of who I wanted them to be, the personality-judgment-equivalent of fucking them with the lights off so their body looks however I want it to look.

Would I go back in time and do it all again? Hell yeah. Would I do it again now? No fucking way.

My final lesson: WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM. FUCKING DO IT. I got tested for STD’s after all of this and somehow miraculously caught none and that’s a miracle because I never used a condom because I’m on the pill and he never brought it up. And I always thought I was the kind of person who would be like, ‘duh, of course I’d always use a condom! STD’s are scary!’ AND THEN I NEVER DID AND THAT FUCKING TERRIFIES ME. And none of them did either. Even though they were all very smart guys. Most of them didn’t even ask if I was on birth control. GUYS. WE HAVE TO BE SMARTER ABOUT THIS, OKAY?"

14. ALL the gay hook-up sites I could find

"I used to be on ALL the gay hook-up sites I could find when I was single. Usually had a great time hanging out drinking and whatnot, then of course the sexy time after.

It didn’t always end in sex, a few of the guys I met I actually made great friends with, some of my best friends still to this day.

One guy specifically I connected really well with. He fit right into my social circle and quickly became one of the BEST FWB a guy could ask for. Neither of us was looking to date or anything serious, but we just couldn’t help ourselves.

At one point we realized we were getting attached he even told me ‘we’re gonna have to stop having sex, I think I’m falling in love with you!’ Well, I had been falling for him for some time at this point and once I realized he was falling for me I wasn’t going to let it go.

A few months later he moved in, a few months after that I purposed, a few months after our 1-year anniversary we got married. He’s my best friend, my lover, and partner in crime. When we argue (which is rare) it’s only about something one of us said the other took the wrong way, and it’s always worked out before bedtime.

I never thought I’d find anything but sex as I’d been hanging on those sites and then using the apps every time I was single over the course of 16 years or so. Hey, who knew? I’m just glad I hung in there. Neither of us have ever been so happy with every aspect of our life’s due to the support we provide each other and the love we share."

15. Finding older women on Craigslist

"33yo male, I’m into older women, like middle aged or more, always have been (sorta). I’ve found and met up with 4 over the years, all from Craigslist, 3 resulted in sex with 1 becoming a relationship.

The first was 59 (I think), I was 28. We initially met for breakfast, then went back to her place for sex. This led to weekly meetings that lasted 3 or 4 months before she decided to completely stop talking to me. I think I got too close, but she also had her own issues. She had similarly cut off several people in her life including her sister and her parents who both died before she ever spoke to them again. The sex was all right and I learned a lot about women. I was only into men up until that point but had always been curious about women, specifically older women, and she was my first. We didn’t use protection as there was no chance of pregnancy, which was not smart, but I don’t regret my time with her, only the way it ended.

After a yearlong dry spell I met another woman at 29, she was 64 very fit and had implants (they were rock hard). She was crazy but not cut-your-dick-off crazy. She had this need for cock, she almost exclusively would come by to blow me which consisted of her almost desperately gorging herself on my cock trying (successfully usually) to get me to cum three or four times in a row. I ate her out a few times and we had maybe eight or nine thrusts worth of vaginal sex but for her it was pretty much all about fellatio and her doing things to me. She had all kinds of toys, mostly vibrators she liked to tuck here and there while she blew me. She would also often ask if there were any weird things I’d like to do to her. She’d often suggest things like putting a speculum inside her to spread her open, and using other toys on her. She moved several states away after a couple months and before things could get too freaky.

The third one a few months later was an erratic late 50s woman whose life revolved completely around her dog, it was one of those service dogs that soothe the elderly and the terminally ill. She had some kinda semi regular spot on the local news with her and her dog. Anyway we never had more than a couple dates and it was pretty clear to me that any other human in her life would have to compete with that dog and that likely had to do with why she was single. She was also the daughter of a fairly famous singer from the 60s. She lived with her and I got to meet her, her bathroom was full of old pics of her mom with like Sammy Davis Jr. and other celebs of the time. Hallway had gold records and whatnot, pretty surreal. Her mom who I shall not name, once told me ‘good luck’ with regards to our dates. Ha.

Last one was later that same year after I turned 30. She’s 29 years my senior and we’ve been in a loving relationship for almost 4 years. I intend to be with her until she leaves this earth. I’m an atheist and have always been a huge skeptic, but I felt almost right away like we had known each other for centuries and that feeling was mutual. Life is a crazy fuckin’ ride, and the rules of society are not set in stone. Do what’s right for you."

16. Meeting guys and girls on Tinder

"Met 3 guys (that I fucked) and I think 4 girls? I’m a lesbian, wanted to see if I liked guys, so I got with 3 guys from these apps. First guy I got lucky, he was so great at sex. I was like I might actually be bi, I kept seeing this guy for a month until I hurt his dick on accident while riding him. Gave another guy a try and it was so awful he was being so pushy until I was like fine, clearly he wasn’t used to getting some cause he didn’t know where my clit was and he came within like 5 mins, couldn’t get me very wet. Third guy I actually liked, foreplay was great and he made me cum, then when we ‘fucked’ he lasted like 3 mins. Even he was shocked and I was like uh, it’s all right. Didn’t feel like fucking again and I’m sure that I’m gay from those experiences.

From the girls I met, those are interesting. Two of the girls I got with were clearly straight girls that were experimenting. They told me they were bi and when I got with them they also could not find my clit, and didn’t do anything that felt good. So now I’m weary of getting with a straight girl, and if I do, I need to know that she masturbates with her hands, otherwise when she’s trying to get me off she won’t even know what feels good. So another girl was just a hookup, but I liked her, never talked to her again though ’cause I got with her on vacation. Last one, well, actually the first person I fucked from Tinder was actually my first time with a girl, took things slow like one would with dating, things were going so well with this one, I liked her a lot and was feeling optimistic, started catching feelings. But later she told me it wasn’t fair how she’d been treating me, and that she had a girlfriend, and she was cheating with me. This kind of pushed me off the deep end, I went a little crazy temporarily, I started smoking more weed than ever, and got fucked up 3 days straight on Nyquil…clearly my reasoning wasn’t great in this time so I said a lot of shit I shouldn’t have and she basically thought I was insane and told me that. So yeah, basically average experiences. I’m addicted to the weirdness of meeting people off apps."

17. White guy in the Philippines

"Used Tinder when I first moved to the Philippines. If you’re a white guy in the Philippines who is better than average attractive then you can get very very lucky. I slept with 5 girls in one week and turned down a 6th as I was too tired. I love the Philippines."

18. Cougars on Tinder

"I hooked up on Tinder once. It was with a 44-year-old widowed nurse from Vegas. We chatted at 1pm or so and when I confirm myself as a clean, mentally stable guy with a box of rubbers, she invited me to her hotel room. When I got there, she was posing in a bathrobe and offered me a glass of wine, like the movies or something. Holy shit my heart was pounding. I know they say porno isn’t like real life and I’d say that’s true 99% of the time, but this was clearly an exception. She gave me the best hummer of my life (clearly, experience is a factor, I was 24 at the time), and she was SAVAGE in the sheets. We even had a great conversation about the Oscars (what else do people 20 years apart have in common?). 10/10, would recommend Tinder cougars."

I Am Still Completely Terrified At The Thought Of You Dying

Posted: 16 Mar 2016 05:00 PM PDT

Drew Wilson
Drew Wilson

I see the words across my screen.

Bad batch.
Overdose.
Only 26. 

They flash at me, pulsate, and weasel their way from the screen of my computer and inside of me where they keep rapping at my brain. They keep whispering in the space between logic and irrationality, keeping me awake until 1 AM, 2 AM, 3. No matter what I do, no matter how many pillows I pile over my face, no matter how many times I repeat, “That isn’t your life anymore”, those words won’t stay quiet.

They dance around in my head, play ring-around-the-rosy using me as the center, singing over and over until the buzzwords are repeating nonstop. I cover my ears, play my favorite song as loud as I can through dirty earbuds, but they just won’t stop. And suddenly it’s not just 3 AM, but instead I’m watching the sun rise over the Sound and I’m praying to a God I’m not sure exists that you are too.

See, I know we aren’t in each other’s lives anymore. I know we’re not so much exes and “former lovers” as we are strangers with memories. I know that I couldn’t even order coffee for you anymore because I’ve long forgotten how you take it. In the rational part of my mind I know that I hold no claim to your heart or your soul or even your life at this point.

But I can’t help it.

See, I see these words like “laced” and “addiction” and I’m suddenly thrown back to a world of hazy Saturday nights on couches where I didn’t belong, hoping that whatever was in that bottle was just water and not something else. I’m taken back to a world of black outs, of strangers coming and going, of talking nostalgically and almost poetically about substances like they were your best friends. I’m taken back to a world of not knowing where you were and hoping it wasn’t in a ditch somewhere. To a world with ER pictures from driving when you shouldn’t have and hearing stories that made me have panic attacks.

It takes me back to a world of uncertainty and a world where we joked about you not making it to 35. And now, that’s not really a punchline I can laugh at.

And the thing is? I know it’s none of my business anymore. I know it’s not my place. I get that. If there is a cut off time for caring, give me the expectation, show me the date. But what is the statute of limitations on loving someone? What is the statute of limitations on caring about their well being?

I loved you, and a part of me always will.

And it took someone I know even less, someone who I was even less connected to other than our mutual friends and some photos on Facebook dying to make me realize that.

I didn’t fully understand trigger warnings until now.

But now I know what my trigger is.

It’s the thought of me having to exist for one second on this planet without knowing that you’re out there somewhere too. TC mark

11 People Share Their Weirdest, Most Awkward ‘Sex With Ex’ Stories

Posted: 16 Mar 2016 04:00 PM PDT

Jérôme Licht
Jérôme Licht

1. “We were both invited to MY friend’s wedding (she was my friend first), and I was totally fine with both of us being on the guest list because my ex and I agreed we could both be mature about it. He texted me the entire wedding saying how good I looked, and how he wish he came there with me instead of his plus one. Long story short, he told me to meet him at the elevator when dinner was being served, took me into the men’s room and went down on me for a solid 20 minutes. I missed the salad course, but I’ll have oral over salad any day.” —Kristin, 27

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2. “We found each other on Tinder. We both swiped right, never messaged each other. The weekend rolls around and he messages me (on the app) at 2 am saying U up? I said yeah, come over. He did, and I think you know what happens next. TLDR: I rekindled the flame by swiping right on Tinder and answering his booty call.” —Hailey, 25

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3. “My ex has a five year-old daughter, who was really hard to say goodbye to when we broke up. My niece is seven, and my sister let me take her to a local carnival, this was about 4 months after the break up. Of course, we ran into my ex and her daughter, and it immediately made me miss both of them. I called her later that night, and she said, ‘Caylin’s sleeping if you want to come over.’ (Caylin is her daughter) I was at her house within the next half hour.” —Ricky, 27

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4. “I ran into my exes mom at the grocery store. She asked me how I was, and told me she missed me, and that I should give her daughter a call some time. I texted my ex that day to let her know what her mom said. Pretty sure she was humiliated, but continued to text me regardless. We met up that weekend, and when I was in her bed she said, ‘Thanks, Mom,'” —Greg, 26

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5. “My ex is the brother of my sister’s best friend, which is a little awkward because he totally screwed me over and my sister’s friend was super embarrassed about the whole thing because she set us up. I went snowboarding one weekend with my sister and her friend, and of course my ex texted me saying he heard I was with his sister, which then caused him to apologize for everything he did to me, bla bla bla. I was single AF at the time, and he was being sad and desperate, and basically asked if I would ever give him another chance. I told him if he drove up to the mountains, I might think about it. He showed up to the house we were staying at, we fucked, and I legit never talked to him again. How’s it feel asshole?” —Lisa, 26

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6. “Technically it wasn’t sex with my ex, but I fucked his twin brother. If that’s not revenge I don’t know what is, and yes I know I have no soul, and will probably end up alone forever.” —Macy, 24

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7. “My ex and I managed to stay somewhat friendly, and I had no one to dog sit one weekend when I was going away. As a last resort I went on a limb and asked if he would, I even offered to pay him. He agreed to which was super nice of him. When I came back on Sunday to pick up the dog he didn’t charge me, but I gave him a tip that I think he thought was well worth it.” —Christiana, 26

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8. “My cousin set me up with one of his friends from college. It obviously didn’t work out, and I don’t hang with my cousin all that often so it wasn’t like I had to see him everyday. My cousin had a Superbowl party this year, and I knew my ex would be there. Everyone was watching the game upstairs in the living room, and I went downstairs in the basement to bring up another case of beer. While I’m getting it, my ex comes down and asks if I need help. He started helping me and making small talk, and before I know it we’re fucking on my cousins treadmill. I had some major burns on my ass, and didn’t even cum, so not worth it.” —Lauren, 25

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9. “My ex and I have a lot of the same friends, which is tense, but we make it work. We all took an awesome group vacation to Miami, my ex included, and one night we went to an enormous dance club and decided to take some Molly while there. So we were both rolling and couldn’t keep our hands (or lips off of each other), and while we were on the dance floor we both started dancing with this girl who had rainbow dreads, and we kept touching them basically mesmerized, and we decided to give her some Molly too. We ended up bringing her back to the hotel to have a three-some. To this day we still don’t know her name, we just call her Rainbow dreads girl. It was an interesting vacation.” —Jessie, 26

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10. “My friends and I made a bet on some stupid trivia fact that I INSISTED I was right about. I was so sure that I was right, that when they bet me if I was wrong I would have to text my ex and ask her out, I agreed. Turns out I was wrong, and my relentless friends forced me to text my ex asking if she’d go to dinner with me. To my surprise she actually answered and said she’d be willing to. I was already enough of an asshole with the whole bet thing, so I decided the least I could do was show up. The whole time she tried talking about what went wrong with our relationship, and got all emotional throughout the entire dinner. When I drove her home she started crying. Basically the only way I knew how to make her stop crying was to kiss her. So I did, and then she started getting way into it, and we had sex in the back seat. The sex was good, but the situation was just way too fucking weird. TLDR: I always think I’m right, which lead me to lose a bet that involved fucking my ex.” —Harry, 26

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11. “My ex left one of her bras here after we had broken up, and she said she wanted it back. I told her I wasn’t going to hand deliver a bra and that if she wanted it she could come by and get it. She comes over, I answer the door, and she asks for her bra, but before doing so she decides to tell me she isn’t currently wearing one. I was super confused/turned on and didn’t know what exactly she was suggesting. All of the sudden she’s taking her shirt off and we’re making out. After we were done, she walks out the door and what do I see on the ground next to my bed? Her fucking bra. It’s still here. Definitely her strategy to come back here and fuck me.” —Justin, 25 TC mark

15 Women Share Their Biggest Dating Mistakes And What They Learned

Posted: 16 Mar 2016 03:00 PM PDT

istockphoto.com / stsmhn
istockphoto.com / stsmhn

1. Bringing up the ex.

“I think my biggest mistake was that I talked a lot about my ex-boyfriend. I was in a relationship for four years and I used to share more details than I should which gave them the impression that I wasn't over my ex but I was just being honest.”
~ Anna, 27

2. Waiting.

“My biggest mistake was waiting for the guy to make a decision about whether or not he wants to be exclusive. After spending a certain amount of time together, he should define where you two stand, but waiting is only a waste of time because if he was really interested, he would've made things official at one point.”
~ Jenny, 28

3. Being too picky

“I was too picky. If he didn't make a certain amount of money, or dressed in a certain way, I would automatically check him off. Now I know not to follow a check-list and just follow my heart.”
~ Alessandra, 27

4. Falling for the bad boy.

“I always fall for the bad boy thinking that he will change. It's naive to go into a relationship thinking you are going to change someone. Just don't.”
~ Nina, 29

5. Talking about myself.

“I think my biggest mistake was that I used to make the conversation about me and end up knowing nothing about him. I am a passionate woman and I love talking about my work and my life, but I learned now to keep the conversation balanced and listen more than speak.”
~ Sara, 26

6. Thinking he's the one right away.

“I am a hopeless romantic, so any time I really like a guy I think he is the one and this is it. Of course this mentality made me ignore all the warning signs. It's better to just take it one step at a time instead of jumping to conclusions about whether or not he is the one.”
~ Melissa, 28

7. Playing too many games.

“I was a big fan of playing games, and keeping men on their toes. But it got boring after a while and I liked the game more than the guy.”
~ Amanda, 26

8. Too much alcohol.

“If you are still getting to know someone, don't drink heavily on your first date. I did this before and I was a mess and couldn't even hold a proper conversation. I remember I pushed a good man away because of my drinking habits. Too much alcohol ruins good conversations and relationships.”
~ Megan, 27

9. Investigating.

“I used to ask a lot of his friends about him so I can know what I am getting myself into, that was the biggest mistake, everyone had contradicting opinions and no one really knew what they were talking about. I now keep everything to myself until I've gotten a chance to really know him.”
~ Suzie, 29

10. Tinder.

“I know it worked for a lot of people but it never worked for me. I am not against online dating but a lot of the guys on tinder are not looking for anything serious. So it was really a waste of time.”
~ Rachel, 26

11. Not knowing what I want.

“I honestly dated just for the sake of dating, I didn't really know what I want or what to look for, which made me stay in relationships that were wrong for me. It's always better to know yourself and what you want first before dating someone else.”
~ Marie, 28

12. Snooping is never a good idea.

“If you really like someone, DO NOT STALK them. It never ends well and it will make you think of scenarios that are not even there. Just believe that he is being true to you without having to dig for information that you don't need to know.”
~ Lindsey, 25

13. Accepting things that are not reasonable to me.

“I used to pretend I am fine with him being friends with his ex or fine with him having too many female friends, until I realized that I am lying to myself and that it really bothers me. The mask eventually drops and you will not be able to accept something you really don't like or appreciate.”
~ Nicole, 24

14. Planning everything.

“I am type-A so I love everything planned. I was so obsessed with planning dates and trips that I left no room for spontaneity and there were times when I really couldn't enjoy the relationship because I was too worried about my plans not working out. I learned to relax a little bit and not worry too much about having everything as planned and in the right order.”
~ Kim, 28

15. Sticking to one 'type.'

“I always had a type (a bad one) that I found myself drawn to over and over again and the endings weren't that much different. So I learned to be more open to other types that I might not be as drawn to at first. This whole thing about instant chemistry and the spark is very juvenile, real chemistry takes more than one date.”
~ Diana, 29. TC mark

There’s A Bomb Inside My Brain

Posted: 16 Mar 2016 02:00 PM PDT

brainbomb

The scariest thing about having a seizure is that you never remember it. You never see it. You never feel it. You're only aware of what happens right before and after it. One moment you're watching a video on your computer, then you blink, and suddenly a half-dozen worried-looking ambulance workers are staring down at you.

And then an infantile feeling of shame washes over you because you had no control over what your own brain just did to you. Your own mind just laid you flat out on the floor, blood drooling out of your mouth. And there's also the grim realization that no matter how long it had been since the last one, sooner or later it'll happen again.

As of this writing, it's been almost five years since the last one.

My brain has always been weird, and my personality has always dutifully followed in its path. I started having seizures in infancy—only at night, and only while asleep.

My older brother Johnny says that when I was around three, I'd get down on my knees every night before going to bed and pray to God that I wouldn't get "the dreams" again.

He swears that the following story is true. I make no judgments either way, because the story is disturbing enough to be worth telling. He says one night when he would have been around 16 and I was around three, my mom called him into my bedroom. I was thrashing around the bed in mid-seizure. Then I stopped shaking. A gurgling sound came out of my mouth. Then I spoke in an adult woman's voice. He doesn't remember what "she" said, only that an adult woman's voice was speaking through a three-year-old boy's mouth. After "she" said her peace, my body slackened, and I was restfully asleep.

They carted me off to a psychiatrist soon thereafter, and he explained that my mind was so bright and active, my tons of excess mental energy spilled over into my sleep.

That's nice. Still doesn't explain the adult woman's voice, though.

During childhood, other family members often spotted me having night seizures. My sister frequently observed my young, sleeping body kicking like a pink, hairless mule. At around age 12, when Ma chanced upon me flapping around on the bed like a gasping tuna on a ship’s deck, my family decided it was time to have me tested.

I remember staring at the scuffed, Wrigley’s-spearmint-gum-colored hospital floors as workers fastened cold metal electrodes to my scalp. I was instructed to lie back on the starchy white sheets and shut my eyes as they began flashing the strobe. Green-and-red honeycombs spun on my closed eyelids. As I drifted off, a row of twitching pens recorded the seismic disturbances inside my head.

The doctor who read my EEG said it showed abnormalities, but they were “within the statistical margin of error.”

After that, I went 35 years without a seizure. I wasn’t sure whether my brain had outgrown them or if I was merely gearing up for the Big One.

In early 2008 I began having headache symptoms that fell neatly into the category of migraines: painful sensitivity to light with jagged rainbow-marquee visual effects forming around objects that I'd try squinting at, followed by nausea and vomiting.

One morning in early June 2008, I began to see little multicolored plastic chips in front of my eyes. Then I felt intensely nauseous and tried to induce vomiting, with no success.

And that’s all I remember.

According to my wife who was eight months pregnant at the time, I walked into our living room, sat on the couch next to her, looked out the window, and my eyelids began fluttering. She thought I was just goofing and asked me to stop. Then my arms and legs started flailing, I bit down on my tongue hard enough that blood started gushing out of my mouth, and I finally collapsed, stopped breathing, and turned blue. She pushed furniture out of the way, dragged me to the floor, called 911, then frantically administered mouth-to-mouth.

At the hospital, they strapped my head down with leather and shoved me into a giant cold white vagina where I was absolutely unable to move or scratch myself for ten minutes at a time. It revealed a brain tumor that a doctor’s assistant described as “plum-sized." The tumor had been growing for an estimated 15-20 years:

tumor

Poring over some of my old writing revealed two intensely disturbing prophecies. This is from my 2002 book Shit Magnet:

So much power in this psychotic mind of mine. Words and thoughts which burn laserlike through glass, steel, and cement….A brain tumor? A blood clot? A bone splinter pressing in against my aggression center? Doesn’t matter.

And this is from an intro to my 2004 comic book Trucker Fags in Denial:

The sad, telling truth is that Mr. Goad channeled these characters from a walnut-sized tumor in the back of his brain

How did I know? Only my brain knows for sure, and for the moment it's not spilling any secrets.

The operating physicians had me so doped up on pain medication that I didn't panic, although I dimly recall the surreal dread of being wheeled into a dark pre-op room and looking up at a screen showing a 3-D rendering of my head with a huge hole drilled into it. Then they administered the anesthesia to put me deep down at the bottom of the ocean so I wouldn't twitch and disrupt their delicate knifeplay.

To get to the tumor—which was technically not in the brain, only wedged between my brain and skull—surgeons had to carve a hockey-puck-sized hole out of my skull. They couldn't remove all of the throbbing mass since some of it was clustered around a major brain artery, and I risked a stroke and permanent brain damage if they tried slicing into such a sensitive area.

The operation lasted nine hours, after which I had another grand mal seizure. Then they popped the hockey puck of skull bone back into place and stapled my head shut:

hospital

Three months later they zapped the remaining tumor scraps with one hyper-focused shot of radiation. The tissue remains, but it's necrotic. As my oncologist described it, a beehive remains, but all the bees are dead.

I was prescribed anti-convulsive medication and told I'd have to take it twice a day for the rest of my life.

A couple months after my brain was shot with radiation, I had a grand mal seizure while driving on an Interstate passing through downtown Atlanta. It was the only time I've been grateful for Atlanta's deathly gridlocked traffic, because if I'd been going at a reasonable speed, I wouldn't be alive to type this. I awoke in a hospital bed to the sight of a police officer writing me a ticket. He thought I'd been drunk-driving.

About six weeks after that, my life was saved by a worker at my office job who was making the rounds at the end of the day and discovered me unconscious on the floor in my cubicle. My oncologist speculated that my two post-surgery seizures may have been caused by the fact that radiation therapy causes brain swelling. She increased the dosage on my seizure medication.

My last seizure happened on a Saturday night in July 2011. I'd forgotten to take my seizure pill, and four hours later, WHAM! Sprawled out on the floor, blood running from my mouth. This was intensely depressing for me, because it had been over two years since the previous seizure and I'd vainly hoped I was done with all that.

I now take two doses of those plain white giant oblong pills daily—one at 6AM, one at 6PM. They dampen my brain's synapses to the point where I don't risk the electrical short-circuiting that constitutes a seizure.

As the years ground onward, the hockey puck of skull bone became devascularized and started shrinking to the point where it looked as if I'd been kicked in the head with a boot that left a permanent dent:

headdent

After a neurosurgeon examined my skull, he found that not only was the hockey puck shrinking, it was loose—if I were to be hit in the head there, that part of my skull would collapse and render me permanently brain-damaged.

So about a year ago I elected to have a titanium plate put in my skull to cover the dent. So there's no longer a giant crater on that side of my head, only a nasty scar:

headscar

My latest neurosurgeon told me that the type of tumor I'd had—a meningioma—is a "brain invader" and almost always comes back. It's never cancerous, but it can wreak all sorts of havoc such as strokes and further seizures. He says they typically come back after about nine years.

It's been about eight years.

Once a year I go in to have a brain MRI performed, and they shove me like a swaddled infant into a giant steel hole that makes the most ungodly and inhuman crushing robot industrial grinding noises for a half-hour to determine whether the renegade brain cells have come creeping back.

If they come back, they'll have to rip open a giant flap of flesh in my head for a third time, tear out the metal plate, dislodge the hockey puck of bone, and tear loose the offending mass. Despite all the gore and gruesomeness that would entail, I suppose it's better than being a brain-damaged stroke victim who can't form a sentence or wipe himself or walk across a room.

So I walk around like a suicide bomber strapped to the gills with explosives, always silently wondering if today will be the day. I am essentially in a lifelong fistfight with my own brain, never sure if or when it's going to betray me. But that's everyone's struggle, as everyone's body will eventually betray them—if they don't get killed first.

It's a mind-blowing burden knowing that one day your mind might literally blow up. TC mark

27 Signs You And Your BFF Are (Kind Of Deranged But Also) Friendship Goals

Posted: 16 Mar 2016 01:00 PM PDT

1. You send each other inspirational messages that speak directly to the heart (and vagina).

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2. You rely on each other for that extra nudge you need to burn your ex’s house down.

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3. You always have each other’s back when it comes to dealing with fuckboys.

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4. Plus, she’ll tell you when you’re being totally insane.

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5. You’re not afraid to admit it’s kinda nice when guys grab your ass.

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6. Or that you’ve made a drunken mistake (or fifty).

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7. You can brag about being a legit hoe without fear of judgment.

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8. Because you both know that a successful weekend is sometimes marked by the need to ice your vag.

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9. You lean on each other for BJ tips.

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10. And there’s no hiding behind the truth about how to make a guy like you.

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11. Like, at all.

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12. You touch base mid date whenever necessary (pretty much always).

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13. You can count on each other to call it like it is when he doesn’t bother screenshot’ing your nudes.

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14. Or when he fails to text you back in an appropriate timeframe.

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15. You also have someone to share in the joy of fucking over his ex.

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16. When you like his ‘d’ more than him, you get to be honest about it.

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17. You’re also straight when you just want to get laid.

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18. Ditto to the spit-or-swallow debate.

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19. When a dude acts lame, you reassure each other he’s not worth tolerating.

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20. Especially if he’s a dumb, pussy chasing douchebag.

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21. You’re truthful about everything, really, including your need for booze to actually feel anything.

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22. The only person you trust more than your BFF is your drunk self.

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23. You reassure each other that the only reason you’re still single is that you’re both smart AF.

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24. If you’re gonna bother with guys, you know you have to have three in rotation at all times.

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25. Together, you’ve figured out exactly what love is.

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26. But you’re in no damn rush to get married, let alone have a baby.

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27. And you don’t waste compliments on dudes because you’d rather save them for each other.

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TC mark

Love Someone Like You’re Sixteen Again

Posted: 16 Mar 2016 12:00 PM PDT

Amy Treasure
Amy Treasure

Love someone like you're sixteen again. Anticipate their text messages like a giddy schoolgirl riddled with a crush for the first time. Dance around your room getting ready for your first date. Feel every nerve fire through your body when you share your first kiss. Let the excitement of wanting someone back into your life in all its uncomfortable glory. Bring the sweaty palms and innocent wonder back to every single first.

Love someone like you are learning. Like you haven't spent years perfecting what to say and how to act and where to touch someone in a way that is going to make them melt (the way it did for so many others). Love someone as though it's the first time – with your heart pounding and your thoughts racing and your heart stuck in your throat because you're terrified to say the wrong thing. Love someone nervously, as though it's going to matter if you lose them.

Love someone with a sense of wonder. Let the feel of their skin reawake you, let their words alter your worldview, let the experience of combining their existence with yours shake the foundation of everything you've known. Let yourself grow alongside someone else instead of immediately marking your differences as unbridgeable. Love someone without judgment or reservation, because it feels better to simply let it flow.

Love someone as though you haven't lost so many others. Love without fear, without memory, without the hesitation that accompanies years of broken hearts and sour endings. Love as though it is what you've been waiting your whole life to do and you have finally been given the opportunity. Love someone as though the idea that they might let you down hasn't even idly crossed your mind.

Love someone without expectation. Without thoughts of is-this-going-to-last-forever and fears that it will all come crashing down. Love with abandon, with recklessness, with the fearlessness you haven't possessed since you were too young to know any better.

Love someone as though you're in puppy love. Because it's the strongest form of love you'll ever know. TC mark

11 Things Girls Say When They Cancel Your Date, And What They Really Mean

Posted: 16 Mar 2016 11:00 AM PDT

Don't Trust The B
Don’t Trust The B In Apartment 23

This one is for the boys: It is not easy for ladies to turn down a man. I am sorry to tell you this gentlemen, but at one point in your life, a female has used one or more of these lines below to gently say, "There are other fish in the sea and sorry sir, you are not my Nemo!" Most of the time it works, but other times fellas, you just do not get the subtle hint that she is not interested.

Same rule applies for the ladies as it does with men, if she wanted to date you, she would make it known. Women are very forward with their feelings; It is pretty obvious when a girl is into you or NOT into you. Men think that women talk in a code that is impossible to decipher, but in reality, she has putting her feelings on the table right in front of you and you are too busy watching Sports Center and scratching your ass to see it.

Now would be the time to grab a beer and brace yourself gentlemen, this could get a little brutal. If she has used one or more of these excuses on you, take a moment and realize, she is just not that into you.

beetlejuice

1. “I am too busy for a boyfriend right now.”

Meaning: She is too busy dreaming up her Nicholas Sparks novel love life and you are not her Ryan Gosling. Women are never too busy for the things that they like to do and it seems as though you are not one of those things she does not want to do. If a woman is not taking the time to see/talk to you, she is just not that into you.

2. “I need to take some time to find myself.”

Meaning: I need to take some time to find a guy who isn't you. Used most often, this line is the nicest way to say that you just aren't doing it for her. No amount of time is really going to change that, but she is hoping that amount of time will help your penis to forget she existed, so that you could move on with your life without her in it.

3. “I am seeing someone.”

Meaning: She has a type of man she is looking for and she is not seeing it in you. When a girl likes a guy, she is available.

Example: "I have gone on a few dates, but nothing serious". If she flat out says she has a boyfriend and you have creeped her social media well enough to know that there is no mention of Donald Nesley, take that as a note that she was being nice and would not like you to be her boyfriend. Also, read a book called Harry Potter. You will notice a similar character name to her "boyfriend".

4. “I just got out of something serious and am not ready for any type of commitment.”

Meaning: She just got out of a relationship and would like to go sleep around with anything that walks, but you are not included in her bedroom fun. This type of girl would like to go out, have fun and not have to worry about what his name is in the morning or where she may have left her pants. Unless she is texting you after 2 am, it is easy to say she is not ready to commit to doing the "sideways tango" with only you.

5. “I can't go out tonight – I have to wash my hair.”

Meaning: I have taken off my bra for the night and it is not going back on. Face it, Channing Tatum might be the only man that is worth putting the bra back on for and a majority of the female population would leave it off for him anyways. I know this is going to sound like an odd one gentlemen, but if she isn't willing to put her bra back on to see you, she just isn't that into you.

6. “You can do so much better than me.”

Meaning: I can do so much better than you. Yes, you will come back with all the good qualities about her and that will give her an ego boost for about 2.5 seconds, before she has to use another line from this list to turn you down. My friend, believe me when I say she is blowing you off, so just let it go and move on to the next bad choice.

7. “I don't think we are heading in the same direction.”

Meaning: She doesn't want to financially provide for you for the rest of your life while you work at Chuckie Cheese and you are blowing all of yours and her money on flaming Dr. Peppers and strippers. This is her nice way of saying I don't see a future with you, so what is the point in dating you now.

8. “I am into girls.”

Meaning: She would never date a girl, but she would prefer a girl over you. That is kind of a harsh one, but maybe she is hoping that it will be slightly easier on your ego when you go home with blue balls.

9. “I have to cancel tonight – Something suddenly came up.”

Meaning: You were my excuse to get a free meal and a night away from my house full of cats, but I just got a better date offer from the guy at the gym who bench presses 300 pounds, so sorry bye. We have seen it in many movies, the easiest excuse in the book. If a girl really likes you, she is not going to cancel on you last minute unless she has Ebola or has the opportunity to meet a member of the Backstreet Boys.

10. “I am just going to avoid /ignore.”

Meaning: I hope to God this will make him realize I do NOT want to take to him. This is NOT playing hard to get; This is the final straw where she has done everything in her power to nicely let you down and you haven't gotten it. When this happens, do not fight her on this and say that she is a "bitch". All of the above has nicely been done to let you down, but you have failed to notice.

Example: When you have brought up to her multiple times that you would like to take her out and she has avoided giving you an answer – This is her nice way of hoping you get a sudden case of amnesia, a gorilla steals your phone and that she gets recruited to a job the middle of Africa where you can no longer contact her ever again.

11. “No thank you, I do not want to go out with you.”

Meaning: SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU. Again, not playing hard to get, she just isn't that into you. That will not change. It isn't going to happen. Stop trying. Pull up Google, locate a hotline number and chat with some girl who would love to cater to you for the cheap rate of $29.95 an hour. It is time and money well spent, seeing that you are currently wasting your time, money, energy and sexual frustration on girl who just doesn't want to be with you. TC mark