Thought Catalog


100 Reasons Losing Him Is Not A Loss

Posted: 25 Mar 2016 08:00 PM PDT

kayschris
kayschris

1. You only lost something you never had. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. All that you lost was an idea you had about what one version of your future might have been.

2. You are now free to find someone better.

3. "It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world."

4. Don’t you feel free now?

5. You'll realize you weren't who you were supposed to be when you were with him, you were who he wanted you to be.

6. You can no longer rely on him to distract you from the person you know you need and want to become.

7. You have time and energy to focus on selfish pursuits that will improve your quality of life for decades to come.

8. Now you know that the things you choose to have in your life are there because you choose them, not because of how they look to another person, or what they like.

9. You have more money now, no more buying and feeding for two.

10. You have time to rebuild relationships with the people who will never leave you — friends and family members.

11. Not to be vulgar, but as Violet Benson says, “dick is free, you can get that shit anywhere.”

12. You can be anyone you want to be now. No one is attached to the old you requiring that you to remain that person they fell in love with.

13. You are now free to experience again the extreme pleasure of kissing a stranger.

14. You are now free to dream bigger than the very flawed person you were kind enough to fall in love with.

15. Nobody owns you now.

16. You could leave, right now, and drive for hours and not have to tell anyone. No checking in.

17. You can spend $30 getting a grilled cheese sandwich and a bottle of wine delivered to your house to be consumed while watching Sex and the City reruns for the hundredth time and wearing a face mask and getting a little buzzed before wandering around your apartment belting Jewel as loud as you want. No one will judge.

18. You can do whatever they hated to do. You can go out dancing or eat Indian food or let yourself be too messy (or too clean).

19. You have more options in your future now.

20. Every breakup and rejection is a second chance in disguise. You get to do better next time. You get to pick better next time.

21. You lost someone who didn’t want to keep you. Think about that hard and then say ‘good riddance’ while you look for someone who understands quality when it’s right in front of them.

22. You are now free to find someone who is as generous as you are: “I've had it with all stingy-hearted sons of bitches. A heart is to be spent.”

23. No one is ‘the one.’ Open your eyes and realize there are so many people around you with potential, removing one person from the list of prospects decreases the overall chances you will find love by an insignificant margin:

tumblr_n9st6pS64Z1qe0fxmo1_500
tumblr_n9st6pS64Z1qe0fxmo2_500

A Single Man
A Single Man

24. This advice can be found in song form here.

25. What if you spent the rest of your life fighting for him to love you instead of doing the brave thing and moving on?

26. What a great excuse to get off social media for a few months and take a breather away from other people’s opinions.

27. Now you can sleep diagonally across your bed.

28. And not deal with his snoring.

29. There is no greater time to listen to music than when you are heartbroken. Your situation right now is practically the whole reason music and art exist in the first place. Embrace it. Make a million playlists about moving on. Listen to this one. Sing out loud. Sing in the shower. Sing in your car. Feel like the baddest bitch in the world. Think about how everything exciting in your life is in front of you and everything you miss about your ex you get to experience again, soon, with someone new.

30. Think about who you were before you met him and who you are now. Thank him for being a teacher — even if you were the one that had to teach yourself not to love someone like him.

31. Struggle makes you a better person:

“The harder you slam a ball into the ground, the higher it bounces back up… A divorce, a breakup, losing a job, or just feeling seriously down can ground you, rough you up a bit, leave calluses on your feet and grit under your finger nails. But more than that, it leaves you wiser and stronger next time.” — Laurel House

32. When you meet the right person, you will appreciate them more — because you know how much you suffered to get to that point.

33. No one is as happy in a relationship as they lead themselves to believe when they want it to work out. Now you are free to see him without rose-colored glasses. Now you can see what wouldn’t have worked and adjust your standards for future men accordingly.

34. You have time to take a cooking class now. Or learn a new language, or get into fitness and get ripped.

35. You don’t have to cook man-friendly food anymore. Every night can be rice and avocado if you want it to be.

36. The only opinion you have to consider is your own.

37. The only permission you need to do something is your own.

38. 98. You know that he has it far worse than you do — he lost you.

39. Think about how exciting it is to sleep with someone new and how eye-opening it is to discover a whole new world of things someone else likes/is good at doing. You’re not tied to the guy who didn’t/wouldn’t do that one thing you like anymore.

40. You get to remember the incredible joy of hanging out with mostly women.

41. This could be the universe telling you it’s time to get a dog.

42. The worst has happened. You loved someone and they didn’t love you back. So what? You’re still alive. You made it. You’ve proven that you are not so easily destroyed.

43. You can pick up a job, or multiple jobs and spend your free time hustling to get closer to the life you’ve dreamed of.

44. There’s no pressure to go out, if you like to stay in.

45. There’s no pressure to stay in, if you like to go out.

46. Your best friend can sleepover in your bed again and you can wake up at 4am and giggle about nothing in particular.

47. You have the freedom to travel, no strings attached.

48. You no longer have to waste your precious time guessing:

“If you have to speculate if someone loves you and wants to be with you, chances are they don't. It's not that complicated. Love, in most cases, betrays the one feeling it. Don't waste moments waiting and wondering. Don't throw away your time dreaming of someone that doesn't want you. No one is that amazing, certainly not the one who would pass you up.” — Donna Lynn Hope

49. You don’t have to share your bathroom with a man.

50. No one steals the covers or your pillow in the middle of the night. No one wakes up earlier than you. No one suffocates you with their body heat. You can keep your bedroom freezing because you like to be a little bit cold and snuggle into the duvet.

51. You got shaken out of your complacent life. You’re forced to reimagine and reevaluate what you want. What a blessing. Now you can see whether you really want to be on the path you’re currently on.

52. It’s easy to think about your first boyfriend and realize that he was nothing to cry over either. You wouldn’t want him today, he wasn’t right but you were young and crushes make everything hard to be logical about. You’ll feel the same way about this guy in 10 years.

53. You now have time to work on yourself so you are worthy of the right person, when you meet them.

54. This is the universe holding onto your shoulders, gently shaking you, and saying “dream bigger.”

55. What if you put all the energy you put into trying to make the wrong person love you into trying to become the right person?

56. Maybe the point of dating him wasn’t to find lasting love. Maybe the point of dating him was to show how capable of love you are.

57. “If you can love the wrong person that much, imagine how much you can love the right one.”

58. The only person who will make you feel guilty is yourself.

59. Instead of constantly feeling like you are not enough, you get to prove that you are.

60. Imagine how much times you saved by breaking up with this person now and not in 6 months — or 6 years from now.

61. You get to realize that your self worth doesn’t depend on what you can do for other people, how easily you can find a home inside them. Your self-worth comes from how much you can give, not how much you can receive.

62. Going home for family events can be about family again, not about making another person feel comfortable.

63. You learn all the things you didn’t learn because you were with someone who could already do them. You learn to cook for yourself, how to update your professional website, how to do your taxes — you will become more self-sufficient because you have to rely on yourself. This means that when the next guy comes around, you have more to offer.

64. You’ll set better boundaries next time. Did you let him come over too often? Did you always drive? Did you establish a precedent that it was totally okay with you if you didn’t orgasm during sex? Whatever it is that you let slide — you’ll realize how to ask for what you need next time.

65. You can watch Anchorman or Zoolander and belly laugh and it will feel better than it’s ever felt before.

66. You’ve learned that love is something you can lose. When you find a love that’s worth not losing, you’ll fight like hell to keep it.

67. You will not, for the foreseeable future, EVER have to listen to anything in the car besides exactly what you want to hear.

68. No more Sportscenter ever, unless it’s because that’s what you want to watch.

69. You can work as much as you want to and no one will call you a workaholic or tell you they don’t see you enough or complain about your work life balance.

70. You can watch The Notebook or The Mindy Project or Keeping up with the Kardashians and no one will make fun of your choices.

71. It’s the perfect excuse to buy some really nice sex toys and learn how to give yourself the best orgasm of your life.

72. You get to feel a weight lifted off your shoulders as you let go of the burden of having a man in your life. It doesn’t matter if he remembers to call his mom on her birthday, or whether he buys a gift for his sister’s baby shower, or whether goes to the doctor when he really should. It’s no longer your responsibility to worry about him.

73. Going out is exciting again. There’s potential everywhere.

74. There’s a reason people always talk about low points being the best thing that ever happened to them.

75. When you get dressed in the morning, you don’t think about what someone else will like. You just pick out what feels good. You’ll spend your whole day feeling happier and more *you* because your criteria is simply your own happiness.

76. As much as you feel sad, you also feel relieved.

77. There are worse things than being unhappy in love — like being unhappy with yourself.

78. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who was stupid enough to let you go?

79. You can’t do anything about the way other people feel on you. This breakup is forcing you to learn the one lesson that will have the greatest impact on your happiness for the rest of your life: the way other people feel about you is not your responsibility.

80. Think of all the doors you closed because you were with him. Consider which ones you want to open again.

81. You got to love someone. No one can take that away from you. Even a person who didn’t love you back.

82. You can do better:

83. Every ending is also a beginning. You get to decide what kind of beginning it is.

84. You can stop feeling guilty about making more money than him or whatever way he felt your shine took away from his.

85. Inevitably, you build your life around the person you are dating. When they leave, you get to build it around the things you actually like.

86. By saying goodbye to someone who doesn’t love you as much as you love them, you are closer to saying hello to someone who does.

87. Just because something ends doesn’t mean it was a failure. “Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.”

88. Very few things in life will feel as good as deleting his number from your phone will.

89. It sounds like you have a very good excuse to have a very big party and make some very questionable decisions.

90. Breaking up with someone causes panic and sadness because we have been rejected. Our egos hurt. But we can’t confuse that with feeling panicked or sad about not having this person in our lives anymore. Our egos will heal, we will learn to let go, we will move on. Recognize the source of your feelings and just feel them without any self-judgement attached. There are worse things in life than an ego bruise — like ending up with the wrong person.

91. It’s much lonelier to be the person who can’t accept love than it is to be the person who can love someone who doesn’t love them back.

92. When you meet the right person you will look back at this rejection as the best thing that ever happened to you.

93. “This relationship wasn’t the very best relationship you can have, so why waste another fucking second on it.”

94. You showed yourself that you are strong enough to do one of the hardest things we do on this planet: open up to another person. That’s enough, to start with.

95. One day soon you’ll wake up in the middle of the night and everything in your life will feel like yours and you will be so happy and proud that you have gotten yourself to where you are. Your accomplishments are now completely your own.

96. All the energy you once expended making him happy can now be completely devoted to making you happy. If you’re like most women, this is a lot of fucking energy.

97. Every breath is a beginning. Breathe in and out. Breathe in your new life, breathe out your old one with him. Think about everything you are going to create when he is fully detoxed from your system. A newly single woman is a force to be reckoned with.

98. We think of forest fires as these devastating events that we need to stop, but they are actually vital to ecological health of an area. There are plants that require the heat of a wildfire for their seeds to burst open and plant themselves in the earth. There are others that are meant to be flammable, so that fires quells competition. As it turns out, forests are made to have a periodic cleansing by fire. Your heart is made this way, also.

99. Remember that time you got really excited about something you’re passionate about and then stopped yourself and said “sorry, this must be boring for you” and he didn’t correct you? Imagine what it would be like to love someone who didn’t make you feel like you needed to apologize for what you love.

100. You lost him, but you didn’t lose the most important thing, you didn’t lose yourself. TC mark

50 One-Sentence Reminders Everyone In A Relationship Needs To Hear Sometimes

Posted: 25 Mar 2016 07:15 PM PDT

www.flickr.com/photos/xsossa/">Credit Joel Sossa
www.flickr.com/photos/xsossa/”>Credit Joel Sossa

1. Love is worth celebrating in some small way every single day, even if your celebration is as simple as a shared, knowing smile.

2. It's impressive that you've made it this far, so congratulate each other on staying together once in awhile.

3. It’s definitely worth having sex in the middle of the night just because you can sometimes.

4. There’s no downside to telling each other exactly why you love each other as often as possible.

5. Never forget why you fell for each other in the first place.

6. Tell each other secrets, but don't expect to know each other completely because the beauty of being human is that no one can ever know you entirely.

7. Realize how fucking lucky you are to have found each other.

8. Create your own world together as a couple.

9. Hold onto your hearts, because it’s going to be a wild ride.

10. When things get dark, never stop believing that you can—and will—find a way forward as a couple, because believing that’s half the battle.

11. Craving a little time apart isn’t necessarily cause for distress.

12. You're not a bad partner just because you need some time to yourself.

13. You'll be a better partner, in fact, if you make sure that all your needs are being met.

14. Encourage each other to look out for yourselves—to be selfish so that you're positioned to support each other better.

15. Ridiculous pet names should be embraced.

16. Don't underestimate your capacity for forgiveness.

17. Don't underestimate your capacity to be an asshole, either.

18. There will be times when you will have to own your mistakes, and beg for another chance.

19. You will be humbled again and again and again.

20. Invite your partner into your mind as often as you can.

21. You cannot fix a problem without first identifying and addressing exactly what’s gone wrong.

22. Recognize the happy times for what they are, and clutch them tightly.

23. Get weird whenever you can.

24. Don’t be afraid when the dynamic between you shifts a little because love isn’t static and you’ll both evolve over time.

25. It's possible to care deeply for other people without betraying your number one.

26. Loving each other is a privilege, not a right.

27. When one of you is having an off day, the other is required to be kind.

28. Speak your authentic truth in every situation, even when your authentic truth differs vastly from your partner’s.

29. Every emotion is valid, so don't be afraid to express how you really feel about anything.

30. It's true that some things cannot be unsaid, so you might as well refrain from being nasty to each other mid-fight.

31. The less nasty you get, the less you'll have to apologize.

32. Own your role in every single argument because you’re both partly responsible for every single battle.

33. Remember that it takes two willing adults to make things work.

34. Couples that play together stay together.

35. Be your absolute laziest selves without feeling at all guilty on occasion.

36. Eat too much.

37. Leave your phones at home when you go out to dinner sometimes.

38. Tell your significant other exactly why you think they’re beautiful, but don't expect to keep your youthful good looks for your entire lives.

39. Challenge each other, but know each other’s limits,

40. Cancel your plans with friends once in awhile just to be together.

41. Watch as many movies and read as many books as possible together so you can escape reality holding hands.

42. Make sure you have at least one inside joke at all times.

43. Try to guess what your significant other is thinking because it’s fun—whether you’re right or wrong.

44. You’re going to hate each other sometimes, but hopefully not for too long.

45. It's perfectly normal to lean on friends and family members instead of each other sometimes.

46. Be honest about what you want and need—out of your relationship and life overall—especially as those wants and needs change over time.

47. You might have to pretend to like each other’s families more than you actually do sometimes.

48. The only way to know the answer is to ask the question.

49. It’s your duty to defend each other’s honor.

50. There are a billion ways to say ‘I love you,’ so say it as often as possible in your own way.

TC mark

I Woke Up Wanting To Kiss You, Years Before We Met

Posted: 25 Mar 2016 07:00 PM PDT

Wendy Liu
Wendy Liu

I did not fall in love with you. To say that is to insist that what happened between you and I was a catastrophic moment, a clashing and bashing within the Universe that left us both with bruised knees and scraped wrists. No, I did not fall in love with you – I grew in love with you; I grew roots in you, slowly and profoundly, gently and with choice.

The truth is, I woke up wanting to kiss you. Years ago, before I had met you, I woke up wanting to make you breakfast. I woke up wondering when I would meet the person who laced dreams within my pillowcase, who lived like sleep within my eager eyes.

Years ago I woke up wondering what it would be like to finally hear you introduce yourself. I dreamed of the coffee shop we would frequent for months before noticing each other, the dusty bookstore you would take me to on our first date. I envisioned the ways you would tell me about your goals, your aspirations, always noticing how your pupils dilated whenever you looked at me, as if matchsticks ignited every time we locked eyes.

Years ago I woke up wondering how you would love; if your heart would speak the same language as mine, if we would learn to accept the differences that lived between us like rivers. It was easy for me to get excited thinking about all of the ways I would quietly prove to you how much I cared for you. I knew that I would only ever want to give you the world. I knew that I would only ever want to inspire your soul.

Years ago I made the decision to believe in you. To truly, and wildly, believe that you were waking up at 9am on a Sunday morning wondering if I existed, too. Years ago I woke up choosing you, wherever you were, however you would come to me, and that is why I did not fall in love with you. I waited for you. I hoped for you. I prepared myself to love you, to embrace you, so that when you did introduce yourself to me in that coffee shop, or take me to that bookstore on our first date, I would be ready to love you the way I always dreamed of loving you — I would be ready to love you the way you always deserved to be loved. TC mark

Pasted image at 2016_02_26 03_41 PM

Read more writing like this in Bianca Sparacino’s book Seeds Planted In Concrete here.

You’re Never Really Going To Get Your Shit Together (And That’s Okay)

Posted: 25 Mar 2016 06:00 PM PDT

Credit Joel Sossa
Credit Joel Sossa

The main difference between 20-something me and 30-something me is that I'm more certain today than ever that I will never get my shit together. That might sounds like a gloomy proclamation, but I promise it's not. I'd actually argue that it's a mark of maturity to recognize what a mess your life will always be.

Fresh out of college, when I was working on Wall Street, I remember feeling like I knew exactly what I was doing with my life. I'd graduated from a "good" school and landed a "good" job and I was dating a tall, handsome guy who made a "good" living and came from a "good" family.

Over the course of three increasingly grueling years, I realized that I was wrong about a lot of things. I saw that my soul was handcuffed to a job about which I felt lackluster at best, no matter how much they paid me, and that I was surrounded by people I couldn't emulate. After soaking my pillow in a puddle of tears too many nights in a row, I quit banking without any specific future plans in place. At 25, I knew that I never wanted to wear another sweater set, but beyond that, I was pretty fucking clueless as to what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

Still, I was absolutely certain that figuring my shit out was entirely possible—that through introspection and hard work, I would arrive at My Happy Place. I sincerely believed that I would reach a point at which I felt content in all aspects of life. I would carve out a fulfilling career in a new field and settle down with the right guy and our mostly peaceful, enriching lives would unfold as the years went by. I wasn't dumb to the fact that there would be obstacles along the way, but I did expect the proverbial stars to align for me as long as I put some effort in. I felt entitled to happiness, you might say.

* * *

A decade later, an outsider evaluating my circumstances might argue that I have figured my shit out. The process of establishing myself as a writer was by no means easy, especially without an English degree, a byline (not even on a personal blog!), or any industry connections to speak of. But I did it. I am also in a serious, loving relationship with a man I truly adore.

Now that I've achieved some degree of professional and romantic success, however, I am more certain than ever that I will never figure my shit out. I see that the sense of stability and certainty I once assumed I'd bathe in one day will never come. That it's naïve to dream of an orderly existence in a chaotic world. That if you're constantly striving, you might never feel satisfied. That if you cling to grandiose visions about what happiness looks like, you won't see it in the everyday stuff, where it actually exists.

The thing is, no one ever figures their shit out. Not Oprah. Not your impossibly beautiful, charming friend who always seems to know exactly what to say and how to act. Not your mentor. Not your parents. Not your brother or sister.

Shonda Rhimes, the wildly successful TV writer and producer, put it best in her commencement address to Dartmouth's class of 2014:

"If I am killing it on a Scandal script for work, I am probably missing bath and story time at home. If I am at home sewing my kids' Halloween costumes, I'm probably blowing off a rewrite I was supposed to turn in. If I am accepting a prestigious award, I am missing my baby's first swim lesson. If I am at my daughter's debut in her school musical, I am missing Sandra Oh's last scene ever being filmed at Grey's Anatomy. If I am succeeding at one, I am inevitably failing at the other…You never feel a hundred percent OK; you never get your sea legs; you are always a little nauseous."

* * *

We live in a culture fixated with figuring things out. Self-help gurus prey upon our aching desire to lead "better" lives. We spend billions of dollars a year trying to be thinner, more business savvy, less stressed out, more well organized. We embrace fad diets, fitness trends, "revolutionary" beauty solutions, motivational sayings, and cleansing crystals. We consult the zodiac, psychics, and Meyer-Briggs personality experts for answers to unanswerable questions. We have professional goals, relationship goals, and even squad goals.

Admittedly, I love an inspirational quote as much as the next Kardashian sister. I also believe wholeheartedly in doing whatever you must to feel a little bit better about daily life, whether that means spinning, juicing, reading your horoscope, or tidying up. But as I get older, I'm more and more troubled by our obsession with self-improvement, which seems to be rooted in the dangerous assumption that figuring your shit out is even possible. I worry that the never-ending quest for personal fulfillment does more harm than good—to our hearts, psyches, and wallets.

Ultimately, don't outsized expectations leave us more dissatisfied than incentivized? More exhausted than motivated? More downtrodden than happy?

Life is a series of experiences—good, bad, and meh—for everyone. You can reach all you want for that perfectly fulfilling existence the "experts" are peddling from every direction, but you won't find it. The sooner you divorce yourself from prefabricated ideas about what personal happiness looks like, the sooner you'll be able to see it where it's actually lurking—in your morning cup of coffee, or a quick forehead kiss from your significant other, who may or may not be annoying you at the time their lips meet your skin.

The truth is, you're never going to figure your shit out—and that's okay. TC mark

Here’s The Scariest Horror Movie That Takes Place In Every State

Posted: 25 Mar 2016 05:15 PM PDT

Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz
Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz

Alabama

“Body Snatchers” (1993)

Body Snatchers
Body Snatchers

Look out for the pod people. They’re coming for you and your loved ones! You know, if they haven’t gotten them already…

Alaska

“30 Days Of Night”

30 Days Of Night
30 Days Of Night

As if endless cold and Sarah Palin weren’t enough, NOW you’re dealing with vampires who never have to hide. Great. Just PEACHY.

Arizona

“Psycho”

Psycho
Psycho

Luckily for you, Norman would never hurt a fly. Just skip the shower.

Arkansas

“The Town That Dreaded Sundown”

The Town That Dreaded Sundown
The Town That Dreaded Sundown

Hey, did you know this movie was based on a true story? And that they never caught the Phantom Killer? Good luck sleeping tonight, Arkansas.

California

“Poltergeist”

Poltergeist
Poltergeist

I really struggled between this and “Scream” but c’mon, that tree. The clown. The TV People! Gotta go with Carol Anne on this one.

Colorado

“The Shining”

The Shining
The Shining

You’ve always been the caretaker, Colorado.

Connecticut

“The Haunting In Connecticut”

The Haunting In Connecticut
The Haunting In Connecticut

The title is sort of a slam dunk but it’s also based off a true story I heard from a ghost hunter who helped investigate the case, which is sort of cool. Also SPOOKY SEANCE!

Delaware

“Survival Of The Dead”

Survival Of The Dead
Survival Of The Dead

George A. Romero’s horde of zombies takes this state. Best prepare for the apocalypse now, Delaware!

Florida

“Jeepers Creepers”

Jeepers Creepers
Jeepers Creepers

From what I remember, the Creeper only hunts every 23rd spring, so looks like you’re all safe until 2024. Enjoy the 8 years you get to keep your eyes!

Georgia

“Deliverance”

Deliverance
Deliverance

Before you try to tell me this isn’t a horror movie watch it again, carefully, then tell me you wouldn’t be scared shitless in their position. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Hawaii

“A Perfect Getaway”

A Perfect Getaway
A Perfect Getaway

Sure, people are bound to die in horrible ways, but Timothy Olyphant is there and also one of the Hemsworths so at least you’ll enjoy some beauty along the way. Oh, and the views of course.

How To Find Yourself After Losing Someone Else

Posted: 25 Mar 2016 05:00 PM PDT

Joel Sossa
Joel Sossa

When I lost you, I remember feeling my throat turn to sandpaper. The red veins that ran vibrant through my body suddenly turned cold. I lay still in my dorm room bed, hearing my heartbeat speed up as if I had just ran a marathon. It felt like the cells in my body suddenly froze, and my brain couldn’t catch up to my heart. When I lost you, I couldn’t even process it because you were all I knew. And my body didn’t know how to live in a place that wasn’t connected to you.

It felt like a dream of someone else I knew. Except I couldn’t press pause and I couldn’t wake up. Maybe my brain was trying to protect me from my reality, but I felt numb all over; like my whole body was flooded with anesthesia. The scariest part was when the numbness died. And I felt everything. It didn’t just come in waves, it came in one single tidal wave. And I was drowning for a long time. On some days, I didn’t even want to come up for air. I just wanted to sink deeper and deeper.

Time has always been thought of as the enemy, as something to try to push back. But I have found that time was my only friend during the loss of you. After a while, it made me want to swim instead of sink. It made me want to actually live my life again, instead of being a person walking around with ghosts in her head. People say that time heals all wounds, but I disagree. Time won’t ever heal a wound to make you forget that it’s there or to forget that it happened. Time leaves the scar to remind you of what you faced and how you fought through it. It will remind you of the excruciating pain, but also how you grimaced through it and then felt relief when the cast came off.

I am not a clean slate anymore. I am not a person without scars or bruises. But I am a person who has overcome loss and has dealt with pain without numbing cream and without a vice. I found myself after losing someone else because I survived that pain and I am still surviving it to this day. Living with scars on your body and your soul is not something to ever be ashamed of, or to be afraid of. It is a sign of your strength and your ability to grow and adapt to curveballs that life throws at you. If you are nursing a fresh wound right now, I hope you know that it’s going to get better with time. I hope you know you aren't alone. And that scar you will receive from it will be a beautiful reminder of how resilient and strong you truly are. TC mark

I Like Your Vices

Posted: 25 Mar 2016 04:00 PM PDT

Margot Pandone
Margot Pandone

I like your vices. I like the roughness of your hands and the rawness of your heart. I like the madness that ignites inside your bloodstream and the chaos that encumbers your soul. I like the look in your eye when you are brooding. I like the taste of cigarettes when you kiss me.

I like that you're too much for me sometimes. I like that you think too deeply and speak too quickly and indulge too often in the finer things in life. I like that no amount of living ever seems to be enough for you – that there's always something new to do and someone new to meet and someplace new to explore and that your mind churns and reels in a never-ending storm of possibility. I like that you're gluttonous and indulgent where others are stringent and measured. I like that you are alive in all of the ways other people are not.

I like your weaknesses. I like that you laugh too loudly and love too strongly and leave your wide-open heart out there for the world to uncover. I like that you are not afraid to take the chances that everyone else will not take, because you know that they are not going to destroy you. You know that you can stitch and nurse yourself tired heart back to health. In a world of cautious people, you are not afraid of being broken wide open.

I like your bluntness. I like that you aren't scared to admit your own downfalls – that you'll own your inadequacies, claim your immoralities and detail each of your vapid depravities. I like that I don't have to feel sinful or corrupted alongside you because you can match each of my disgraces with your own. I like your rawness, your grittiness, your unpolished edges and your misshapen parts. I like that you know they can all coexist with your virtues – that your badness doesn't drive out your light and that your vices do not make you immoral.

I like that you're imperfect. I have met too many people who are polished, too many people who are faultless, too many people who have neatly wrapped their lives up to present upon a shining silver platter; boasting virtues and pointing out strengths. I like that you do not try to present yourself as idealized – that you're openly sinful and tainted but you know you're still worthy of devotion. I like that you know that you are incomplete, but that you're still worthy of love.

I like your vices. I like the fervor of your spirit and the madness of your soul. I like your corruptions and calamities, your destruction and your disarray.

I like your vices because they neatly align with my own.

And I have no intention of abandoning mine anytime soon. TC mark

Trust Me, Your High School Sex Was Nowhere Near As Awkward As Mine

Posted: 25 Mar 2016 03:00 PM PDT

Olga Ferrer Saladié
Olga Ferrer Saladié

Sex is awkward. When you get two sweaty people and mash them together there is bound to be some…interesting moments. When those two, sweaty people happen to be high-schoolers whose only carnal experience is with each other? Well, that's just bound to be a recipe for disaster.

My junior year of high school was surrounded by a great many things. Pre-college applications, being the lead in the school play, and (of course) getting weird with my first serious boyfriend. Prior to him everything I knew about sex I learned in articles I snuck reading Cosmopolitan when my mom wasn't paying attention or from the dirtier chapters of The Horse Whisperer we had passed around the bus for closer examination. There had been a few awkward fingerings in the woods or under blankets at parties but no actual sex; he was the first.

This boyfriend and I were trying pretty much everything that either of us were comfortable with. I read in Cosmo that you should surprise your man with a trail of clothes when he comes home from the office; that's exactly what I did between seventh period when I was off and eighth when he was, and before his mom could come home from work to catch us in the act. He heard about the "come hither" motion you're supposed to make with your fingers? He gave it his best go. 69 is the latest? We were going to be greatest.

There was something about doing it in "non-traditional" locations that seemed to really get my high school boyfriend's gears turning. Behind the set of the musical? Hot. In the passenger seat of my Buick LeSabre? Super hot.

He had been pushing for us to have shower sex since the third or fourth time that I let him get a couple thrusts in on top of me. Something about the idea of us having standing up sex while water poured down on us was incredibly hot to him. We'd try a new position and even as he'd be panting and sweating in new sex ecstasy he'd mention how much he wanted us to take a shower together. I wasn't necessarily opposed to the idea but the thought of potentially looking like a drowned rat with Covergirl running down my cheeks next to my perfect, adorable boyfriend was just not super exciting to insecure, high school me.

Eventually though, I caved.

My boyfriend was at least 6'1" and a scrawny little dude. He definitely had some pounds on me but didn't have the upper body strength that face-to-face, standing sex would require. I was, and am, barely 5'1" on a good day. The height difference was real. If our…parts were a puzzle, his were meeting at my bellybutton and that was not going to get a whole lot done.

Now let's also take into consideration the bathroom where this all was about to go down. His mom was obviously not super concerned over what would happen if HGTV showed up at random one day. The bathroom had probably not been renovated since 1982. The linoleum was cracking, there was fuzzy crème cover on the toilet seat, and the tub/shower combo set into the far end of the wall was a beautiful, salmon pink with a tulip print shower curtain. Hot, right?

So there we were, two kids with over a foot of height between us, trying to figure ourselves out beneath poor water pressure. For whatever reason me turning around never occurred to us. I sure wish it had; would have saved me a lot of headaches. I was flexible thanks to dancing, sure. But even putting my leg above my head didn't really help the fact that there was still over a ruler of vertical to make up for.

That's when I had the brilliant, beyond brilliant idea to attempt to balance on the almost non-existent ledges that reside on the ledge of tub and in the wall that the tub has been set into.

But water makes things slick and the second he got even a sliver into me I shook and slipped and, in the words of Fall Out Boy, went down swinging.

And by down, I mean DOWN.

I slipped down that salmon tub like a banana peel and knocked myself clean, blacked, LIGHTS OUT.

Lucky for me I ended up not having anything serious occur; but the 30 or so seconds that I was out were plenty enough to send my boyfriend into a panic.

I came to with a ghostly white boy, sweating (or maybe it was the shower?) and ready to throw up over me. It was combination of fearing that his delicate girlfriend was seriously hurt and also worrying that his mom would come home from work to find a naked 17-year-old conked out in her 80's-tastic bathroom.

To his credit, my bf did his best. He wrapped wet and bruised me up and carried me down to his room where I put on his sweats, a t-shirt, and we watched Scrubs until I felt well enough to drive the LeSabre home. We never did have successful shower sex, but I did walk away learning two crucial things that day.

One thing being that height differences are no laughing matter when the elements are also in play. And two? Listen to your gut but don't ever listen to Cosmo. TC mark

Making A Murderer: Who Put The Blood In Teresa’s Car?

Posted: 25 Mar 2016 02:01 PM PDT

Netflix
Netflix

Read Part One Here.

Read Part Two Here.

Read Part Three Here.

Read Part Four Here.

Read Part Five Here.

Read Part Six Here.

Read Part Seven Here.

Forgive the time I’ve spent away — both Amy and I have been incredibly busy in the past month and we have been scrambling to get back to our series. But we’re all caught up now and ready to dive in deep. Are you?

Let’s start with…

The Blood On Teresa’s Dashboard

Netflix
Netflix

I wanted to have Amy take a look at some more planted evidence. If you recall Amy has picked up in the past that the key evidence being presented was placed there — likely by James Lenk — and I thought we might see what she had to think about the blood that is supposedly Steven Avery’s on Teresa Halbach’s dashboard.

Here’s what she found:

Picture of car steering wheel with blood — I actually see someone doing this…and the person I see doing this I have read before. I am going to have to go back through your pictures.

Okay, so more planted evidence — which is what was presented in the documentary, that the vial of Steven Avery’s old blood was tampered with and then put on the dash. So who put it there?

I just went back through…Mustache Man [Scott Tadych]! I see Mustache Man doing this. He was at the crime scene. He was working with them. He is dumb enough for this placement too. I literally see him planting this blood in his goofy and cocky way… excited as if he had been given an assignment by the big guys to be a “real” cop! Like a boy.

Very interesting. He definitely could’ve had access to the car. And it makes sense that the authorities might pass off a job this risky to a civilian involved, especially if Tadych was as eager to help as he seemed on the stand. Also interesting that Amy noted “dumb enough” — because if the documentary is right, then the blood was literally taken from the vial and squirted with a syringe. That is pretty fucking dumb.

So let’s hop over to:

Kayla Avery

Netflix
Netflix

I knew I had to have Amy read Kayla, Brendan Dassey’s cousin, because I was absolutely aghast when I watched her portion of the documentary. Not at HER, but at what her tearful confession might suggest. Kayla begins her testimony by agreeing with the prosecutors — that Brendan told her something about Teresa Halbach. And the photo I sent is from that portion of the testimony. Amy said:

The picture of the young girl above this car steering wheel photo — I feel she is lying about placing someone close to the scene…or nearby…and also about the character of Sad Man [Steven Avery]? Like maybe testifying to his anger issues or threats or reactions or things she witnessed? Either way, she is not being truthful right here in this picture. She doesn’t want to be there and she doesn’t want to be a part of it.

Spot fucking on. Kayla initially told “school counselors” that Brendan was upset at a party and recounted to her about how he went into Steven Avery’s trailer and saw Teresa Halbach tied up. As the examination goes on, she begins to deny remembering that conversation, then eventually breaks down in tears and admits that she had originally lied — “He didn’t tell me anything. I — I kinda made up the statement and I’m sorry.” She goes on to say he never told her that he saw the body parts or that he had seen Teresa alive in the trailer.

Amy’s read suggests that the authorities perhaps involved poor Kayla too. And I think this is true; her final statement in the examination once asked if she made this up to get Brendan into trouble — which, to me, is a VERY leading question — is, “Not really. I was just really… confused about everything.”

What would have made her confused? Was she involved in a long, terrible session of interrogation by the police like Brendan had been?

And speaking of, let’s check out:

Brendan Dassey’s Interrogation

Netflix
Netflix

For many, this was one of the most painful parts to watch. I know it was for me. Poor Brendan put through hours of questions he doesn’t understand, prodded towards answers he doesn’t mean, unable to really get what’s happening here. For god’s sake, he even asks if he’ll be back to school in time to turn in a project. (DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WRESTLEMANIA.)

So from this still, Amy picked up:

Picture of boy being questioned on the couch — this again saddens me. He is forced. Forced into this. Even the person sitting across from him… I presume questioning him… is just going through motions and script. His posture… his energy… everything is dishonesty in what he is trying to convey. Almost like acting.

Acting is an interesting note. I, for one, thought he eventually figured out what they wanted from him and just gave it to them — acted out what they expected to hear so he could get back to school. And we all know he was forced. It’s also important to note that the person across from him is “going through motions and script.” They knew what they wanted him to say.

I wanted to touch on a more positive aspect of the case, so I sent over a photo of:

Dean Strang and Jerry Buting

Netflix
Netflix

Ahh, my handsome lawyer heroes. These guys were just so amazing to watch, and just genuinely nice dudes from what it seemed. Remember how fast Amy picked up that Ken Kratz was slime? Well:

Next — the two men in suits standing next to each other. These two men… they feel like they really wanted to do something good… and failed? I sense both advocacy in them… and yet, they didn’t have what it took to get it done? I just keep hearing a half defeated tone of them saying “Look, we believe we did the best possible job…considering the evidence.”

I don’t know what else to say here. I mean… they were superstars but she’s right. They didn’t have what it took.

I don’t feel they are shady. Just in over their heads? I get the sense that they thought something was going to be much easier than it ended up being. They remind me of the underdog team going up against the state champs from the last 5 years. It is really awesome that they even believe they have a chance… but they quickly find out that was pretty much imagination? And so there is some defeat and slouched over shoulders in energetic sense.

The “something was going to be much easier” really stings. The episode where Strang and Buting find the vial of blood has been tampered with, they seem so sure of themselves. Like, it’s in the bag. And my god, it should have been.

Okay. My heart hurts. So let’s finish up with:

Jodi Stachowski

Netflix
Netflix

Steven Avery’s ex-girlfriend, who presumably left him after being threatened by police, is an interesting character. She initially vouched for him, then (just in the past year) recanted, saying he was guilty. So what did Amy read from her?

This woman confuses me… I think because she just is confused. It feels to me she doesn’t really know what to believe. She knows her own experiences…and her interpretations of Sad Man and others… but she also has a lot going on inside herself concerning it all.

Very interesting. “She knows her own experiences” — her recent claims have been that Steven Avery (Sad Man) tied her to the bed once. So she may be swayed by the idea that if he did it to her (under her apparent discomfort) that he might have tied Teresa Halbach to the bed as well. So, like, she doesn’t think he’d kill anyone, but the detail about trying her to the bed might have thrown Jodi off.

I don’t get anything from her being a witness as far as seeing anything that day or connection in that way. More character-related? I honestly don’t think she knows what to believe.

This strikes as very true. She wasn’t involved in the trial from what the documentary shows, but that could be wrong if it was left out on purpose. I don’t think the police WANTED to reference Jodi, though. She might not behave as a witness.


So we’ve got some more information, some more credibility from Amy. I think it’s time to go after the real meat of the matter. We need to find out who did this. I’m going to do some deep research and try to see what we can get.

And, in penance for you having to wait so very long for this update, I’d like to add I’ll accept reads from the comments for the next session. So please, throw anything my way that you think might be the key to breaking this case. Any missed clues, any specific people. Let’s do it. Let’s work together and crack this thing wide open before it goes to trial. TC mark

Part 9 Coming Soon.

10 Reasons Why We Were Never Meant To Be

Posted: 25 Mar 2016 01:00 PM PDT

Look Catalog
Look Catalog

1. It took you so long to 'figure it out.' You didn't feel that it was right in the depths of your heart, your mind didn't connect the dots that leads you back to my heart and you were indifferent. You can't be indifferent in love.

2. I was always trying too hard. So you can see me, so you can love me, so you can appreciate me. I realize now that these are things you should've just seen naturally. I understand now that you can't make someone to see your worth if they choose to keep looking the other way.

3. I was holding onto 'someday.' A magical day when you finally realize how amazing this could be and how we really belong together. A day that kept me going when I had nothing else to believe in – a day I am now glad never happened.

4. You didn't really know who I was. You didn't know my downfalls, you didn't know what makes me smile, you didn't know why some things scare me, and you didn't know what makes me feel safe.

5. We didn't share the same views on ‘family’. We didn't really have the same vision of what a home should feel like, we didn't share the same warmth and we didn't share the same vows.

6. Your friends saw more potential than you ever did. They were rooting for us, for our story to come to fruition, they were rooting for an epic love story of two broken people who found a way to fix each other. They didn't realize that two broken people can sometimes shatter each other to pieces.

7. You introduced me to darkness. Your love was like a tunnel, the further I got into it, the darker it got. I thought this was how love looks like from the inside, but I knew that this was a lie I created so I could stay. I wanted to escape to a love that offers an entire galaxy of shining lights.

8. I didn't listen. To my friends, to my family, to your warning signs – to you. It's my fault for digging my own grave and expecting you to get me out of it. It's my fault that I counted on you to pick me up when you were kicking me when I was down.

9. Our words got lost in translation. You never knew how to interpret my messages and I wasn't able to decode your encryption. We were reading the same book in two different languages and we couldn't find a translator for each other.

10. The distance kept growing. The miles got longer and the nights got colder, we slowly drove away in different directions; you back to the desert and me back to the land. Our maps were never aligned. I could feel the poison leaving my body on the way back and realized our paths were meant to cross for a reason – so we can find our happiness somewhere else….away from each other.  TC mark