Thought Catalog


I Only Want You When It’s 2 AM

Posted: 26 Mar 2016 10:45 PM PDT

Polina
Polina

I only want you when it's 2 AM, never when it's 2 PM. I only want you when I have to walk home alone at night and I'm scared of the way the world has become. I only want you when I watch a creepy episode of How To Get Away With Murder so I don't have to sleep alone with fear. I only want you when my roommates are gone for the night and I hear a creepy noise in my house, and for some reason would feel safer with you around.

I only want you when I'm tossing and turning, wide awake looking for someone to talk to because no matter how many times I put down my phone and put my pillow over my head I still can't sleep. I only want you when it's cold in my room and I want a warm body next to me, to wrap my legs around and share body heat. I only want you when it's convenient for me, and it's only convenient at 2 AM.

I don't want to try to slide out of bed without trying to wake you up in the morning. I don't want you in the morning when I'm making breakfast for one. I don't want you in the morning when I'm trying to get ready for work. I don't want to have to say the awkward goodbyes when I'm trying to rush out the door.

I don't want to look at my phone and wonder if you'll text me. I don't want to be hopeful that you'll miss me because I really don't want to miss you. I don't want the cycle of games to begin that relationships have now evolved too.

No matter how many nights you text me asking me what I'm doing I won't answer because I'll never want you in the morning.

The way I want you is to stay hidden behind the closure of my bedroom door. I don't want the world to know about you, about us. As much as I want you it will never be enough because no matter what I'll never want you in the morning.

There is an uneasiness about 2 AM that makes you think things you wouldn't think at 2 PM. There is a comfort in the day, being busy, being around friends and family, and having the sun shining on your skin. But the darkness brings different feelings, darker ones. It traps you with your thoughts, makes you feel useless, maybe worthless. It makes you feel alone more than anything and no one likes feeling alone.

But the sun will rise again; the sun will always rise again. The day will start over and you will realize that things are not as bad as they seem at 2 AM when you're trapped with your own thoughts. Things will be OK again because you do matter, you're not worthless and you're not alone. No one can fix those feelings at 2 AM except you. That is why I don't give into you at 2 AM because when the morning comes I will wake up and I will realize that I never needed you. TC mark