Thought Catalog

Thought Catalog


21 People Share The Creepiest, Most Unbelievable Thing They’ve Seen While Working On The Graveyard Shift

Posted: 28 Mar 2016 08:00 PM PDT

Flickr, DncnH
Flickr, DncnH
Found on AskReddit.

1.

I used to work in a hospital (in the IT department) and we did a number of overnight rollouts, as well as on call work / response when issues occured overnight. Many weird things happened, or appeared to happen.

The thing that struck me as oddest, was when I saw the coroner running at full speed down the corridor, in the opposite direction, towards the morgue. This guy, an older guy in his 50s or so, was going at full speed! I had never seen him above an amble before, but this time he was really going for it. As he got close to me he yelled “Out of the way — I got another live one!”

I am not sure what was more disturbing, the fact that he was dealing with what I could only assume was a dead body that now appeared to be alive, or the fact he said “another.”

2.

McDonald’s employee. 2:30 AM Guy broke a syringe off in his arm after overdosing on heroin in the bathroom. Bled out. Through his arm. Blood. Blood everywhere. Please god no.

3.

I collect organs and tissues for transplant from decedents which usually entails going into morgues in the dead of night. Once a donor was tubed and “burped” at me from the release of gases from their stomach. Nearly. Shit. Myself.

4.

I answer phones for an answering service. One night I took a call from some account we barely take calls for. It was dead air for a moment and suddenly this guy starts singing Hey there little Red Riding Hood, you sure are looking good. You’re everything a big bad wolf could want. and then went quiet. Despite me trying to get a response, he just kept breathing. Eventually I hung up on him.

5.

Around 12 years ago I was working security at a small company’s headquarters in New York City. My partner for the night had called in sick, so I had to work from 12 to 6 all by my lonesome. Now normally, this wouldn’t be a problem, I just had to sit in the back room, watch some cameras and occasionally head out for a sweep, nothing to it right? Well as it turns out, one of the employees had stayed in the building after hours, and had managed to avoid my co-worker’s sweep from the previous shift. I first noticed a movement in my peripheral vision on one of the screens, and then again a few minutes later. This was odd, because I was used to quiet nights in this particular building.

I was a little scared when I headed out for my sweep, but it was my job, so I grabbed my flashlight and headed out to begin. I had to start the sweep in one big hallway, and right as I entered, I saw a flash of movement at the end of it. At this point, I was sufficiently freaked out. I stood frozen for a minute or so, looking into the semi-darkness, unsure of what to do. The decision was taken out of my hands, however, as I heard a gunshot resound down the hallway. In what was the scariest moment of my life, I slowly walked down that hallway to investigate. I reached the end, and saw to my left that the president’s office light was on. Slowly, I approached the door and creaked it open, scared shitless. What I saw will forever haunt me. The man had taken a seat in the president’s chair, and shot himself in the head with a pistol, splattering blood and brains all over the floor and the wall. Apparently this guy was having problems at home, and because the president was supposedly a total asshole to him, he decided to off himself and scare the crap out of the president at the same time. In any case, I threw up a few times and called the police. I got the next two weeks off. I still have nightmares about it sometimes.

6.

I used to work nights for our state road authority, working on traffic signals. I only heard this story: apparently a truck was carrying a drum of human body parts for disposal and the drum fell off the truck on one of our freeways. Road patrol guy called in and said there’s arms and legs all over the place out here.

7.

I saw a live guy’s brain.

So, working the night shift at a hotel front desk is an interesting job. You get your drunks, your methheads, and your all around nutbags. One night, our hotel was hosting a college baseball team. The team came back around 11pm and went up to their rooms and to bed. No big deal. Then, around 1am, the coaches came back absolutely HAMMERED. They went up to their rooms, and that was the last I heard from them for about an hour.

While I was setting up for breakfast, I heard the elevator ding around 2/3am (daylight savings night in the spring). Out of the elevator bursts one of the coaches, and he runs straight out the front door. Odd, but okay, whatever. He comes running back inside shouting, “He fell! He fell!” I run outside while pulling out my phone and dialing 911 to see one of the coaches who had come back, face down on the ground in a HUGE puddle of blood. I have had a bit of rescue training, so I knew to put him in the rescue position so he wouldn’t choke on his own blood.

The paramedics got there and as they were loading him up, one of them wiped off his forehead, and there it was. The guy had fallen out of a 3rd story window straight on his forehead and split it open so wide and deep, you could see his brain. He was lifeflighted up to the bigger hospital up north. He lived. I got a raise the next day.

8.

I’m an astronomer and I get calls late at night asking about UFOs. One guy called claiming to see a “second sun” on our all-night high-sensitivity cameras. He didn’t believe us when we told him it was the moon.

9.

I’ve worked graveyards most of my life. One time while working in a gas station a guy came in and committed suicide in the bathroom. He sliced his wrists open with a pocket knife. Didn’t have to clean the blood since it’s a bio hazard but still gross.

Another time I was working late nights detailing cars for the police. They would bring in wrecks or impounds that needed to be cleaned in order to sell. I got this one where a guy shot his brains out with a 12 gauge. Blood and brains were everywhere in the cab of the truck. The only thing I had was a small carpet cleaning machine with a long clear tube with an attachment for upholstery. Needless to say I saw all the brain chunks getting sucked up through the tube. For some reason that made it worse than actually having to sit in the cab full of brains and blood.

I have more but those were the worst.

10.

I was working late at the bank, 11pm last one in. Its pitch black outside and the bank is essentially isolated, far away from anything nearby. I am very alone. I'm walking around installing new printers, and all of a sudden the security monitors in my IT room turn off. Odd… I get up and go check the plugs to make sure nothing came loose. As I lean over to inspect the cables, all the lights in the building die, and I'm plunged into darkness. My heart starts racing from the shock, and I feel the adrenaline. I ignore my body being a bitch, and reach into my pocket to get my phone to use as a torch, but before I can get it out the backup lights turn on and the whole building is dimly lit by the faint green glow of backup lights.

The lights are very weak, but it's good enough. A green tinged blackness, I can make out the objects in the room, though most things are in shadow. I leave my phone where it is. I forget the monitors and start walking towards the banking hall (where all the tills are) because that's where the circuit breakers are, and I guess it's up to me to fix this shit. The bank is built like a bomb shelter, with thick concrete walls and multiple heavy lock metal doors, I have to swipe my ID card multiple times to get to the hall, and I'm scared that I could get locked in-between two doors if the power fail has messed up that system. I'm quietly thinking about what I would do if such a thing happened, and I'm still a bit jumpy from the shock earlier, I'm always looking over my shoulder and studying the shadows that I walk past. And that's when I hear a blood-curdling scream.

Not a shrill woman's scream, like it would be if this was a film, but the death roar of some deep voiced barbarian. It's long and loud and primal, I can almost feel it vibrating in the air. It's coming from the banking hall. I freeze in place right before the final door, freaking out, and just stare at the grey, green lock of the metal door as I listen. The scream seems never-ending. It feels like the guy's been yelling for three minutes or more without taking a breath, but the adrenaline makes telling time difficult.

I try and control my breathing, I check behind me down the shadowy concrete green corridor I came from, and decide that I need to press on. I turn to the door, swipe my card and open the door as fast as I can, bursting through ready for anything.

I manage to scan half of the room as I open the door, before I'm blinded by a strong white light. The scream suddenly stops. My eyes adjust, and I see that the light was the main lights re-activating. I'm staring into a normal room, the silence was terrifying. Heart pounding in my chest and ears. But everything seems in order, the white light bouncing pleasantly from letters on tables, the computers turned off and quiet, the bulletproof glass all fine. Door to the front correctly locked.

The scream was gone, the screamer unaccounted for, and the lights back on. Being quite freaked out at this point I left out the back way in a panic and called it a night.

11.

Working as a pastry chef for a resort in the mountains, pulling a graveyard shift. Because we were in a kinda remote location it was very dark outdoors. I was taking the trash out to the dumpster which was a short walk away. As I got near the dumpster I heard rustling and scraping, shined my flashlight at the noise and saw two glowing white eyes. At this point I nearly lost it it then as the creature turned its head I saw that it was a black bear, raiding our trash. Following the only advice I knew, I threw my arms up and made myself look as big as possible. The bear ran off, and afterwards we got better locks for our dumpster.

12.

Gas station in Florida just off of I95 and Highway 50.

Had a murder in town, guy beheaded his ex and killed their kid and then committed suicide and our store was flooded with folks from the area this happened as they were all kicked out of the apartment building.

13.

I worked at a campground on night shift. 12a – 8a, every night. It wasn’t bad. I would bring in my PS2 and game a good portion of the night, only having to deal with 1 or 2 people on busy nights. It was just me in this little 8′ x 8′ shack, with nothing around but dark, all night. My first week there, the other third shift guy who was quitting told me about this payphone a few feet from the shack where I worked. He said it rang every night at 4:17a, just once. It was probably just an automated test call, he guessed. He’s never answered it himself. I go for a few months with the job. It was the middle of summer so most nights I had the windows closed so I couldn’t hear the payphone go off.

Mid-August I started leaving the windows open during the night. Sure enough, at 4:17 AM every morning the phone would ring once. The ring even sounded creepy, like the payphone was submerged in water then put where it sat.

One night I got up the nerve to answer it. I set an alarm at 4:15 and would go wait at the phone until it rang. When it did, I answered it. But there was no sound. Just dead air like the someone was on the other line but wasn’t answering. I said hello a few times, and hung up. I did this every night for a week with the same results. I didn’t think anything of it and left it alone after that for about a month. The first week of October, I decided to answer the phone once again. I set my alarm and when the time came, I answered the phone.

“Hello? Hello?”

Then I heard what sounded like someone inhaling through clenched teeth. The voice that sounded was rough and sounded like he had gargled gravel. The best comparison I can give is Horace P. Gauge from “The Suffering.”

He said my name. My complete name. First, middle, and last. It was a voice I’d never heard. My voice caught in my throat and I hung up. I rattled some change into the payphone and hit *69.

The number had come from California. I live in Indiana.

14.

About 4 years ago I was closing a grocery store and my coworker forgot to lock the front door. As iIwas doing a final walk of the aisles a homeless man wearing a Halloween NASA helmet and his pants tucked into his socks jumped out of nowhere and handed me a menu from a Fuddruckers. It had numbers and letters circled and weird notes written on it, like something from the movie “A Beautiful Mind.” He then flipped me off and sprinted out the door.

15.

I drive a truck and, when I hauled steel, I would often run on paper logs, drive all day and well in to the night. I’d do upwards of 1000 miles/19 hours in a day, and the tail end of those trips were always a little harrowing. When you get within 10-20 miles of your destination (and precious sleep), you get a sudden burst of energy. Just enough so that you’ll know you’ll make it and that the risk of falling asleep at the wheel is no longer present. It’s a nice feeling of satisfaction, but it doesn’t come without a price.

Hallucinations. For me, at least, that “last breath” of energy after a long run often brought with it some crazy shit. To make matters worse, places where one might deliver sheet metal coils tend to be right directly inside the buttcrack of fucking nowhere and reaching them involved lots of two-lane roads through the woods. Combine narrow, twisting roads, hallucinations, paranoia about getting caught running illegal, and just enough energy to be aware of it all and you’ve got what we like to call a “situation” on your hands.

One particular night stands out. The 800 or so miles had taken about 17 hours thanks to the hills and the back-roads I had taken to get there, to as close a place to “rural” as New Jersey likely gets, just across the Delaware from Philly. I was coming down from a back-to-back dose of Double Shots and was about 15 minutes away from the 4 hours of sleep I would be getting that night, so I was on edge and starting to see shit again.

My hallucinations weren’t really readily identifiable things like people, oases or giant stacks of bacon and such, but vague flashes of movement and light. It was as if a fox wearing a suit of strobing LEDs was about to dart out of the tree line. It freaked me out just enough that I usually had one foot on the clutch at all times in case I had to jam the brakes. I knew it wasn’t real, but it still bothered me.

In the midst of all of this, I was rounding a bend and saw about a quarter mile down the road a man standing in my lane. He had a green reflective vest on and was waving his arms. Too real and tangible to be a hallucination. I began to slow down, immediately wary of the situation, and the scene unfolded before me as I got closer. A midsize SUV was on its side on the other side of the road, and a little pull-off carved out of the forest was bristling with some sort of construction activity at the lively hour of 3am. I said, aloud, “What the fuck?”

Then, from out of the trees burst… A fucking bobcat! No, not a mountain lion, but one of those little four-wheeled mini-excavator things commonly used in landscaping. It darted about with all of the agility of its namesake, save for the moment when it turned to face the roof of the car, where it nearly tipped over. The Bobcat pushed the vehicle over and at least a dozen people crawled out. I stopped counting at 8. I was in a state of mental lapse and had no idea what had happened.

Finally, the guy in the vest let me pass. My last 10 minutes or so of driving were marked by a sense of calm as I saw every cop car and ambulance in southern Jersey fly past me in the opposite direction, knowing they had something better to do than check my logs. I got to my destination safely, and went to sleep.

16.

Work at a truck stop. Saw a guy stumble in from the back entrance around 3am after being stabbed in the neck with a box cutter. So much blood…

17.

Nobody will see this but whatever.
This not-so-bright buddy of mine used to work late shift at a fast-food place. This one night a car rolls by in the drive-thru and suddenly he’s looking down the barrel of a 9mm. The guy shouts “Gimme the cash in the register!”. My bold friend bends down and says “NO!” and promptly shuts the window on him. The guy drives off confused. The next day the manager is reviewing the tapes and quickly goes up to him to ask him what happened. My friend says he just closed the window because it was bullet-proof. Manager stares at him and says “No they aren’t.” My friend properly freaks out about how close he got to getting shot.

18.

I work as a transporter in a hospital. About two years ago we moved from the old city hospital into a new state of the art facility. The old hospital was built in the 1930s and was showing its age and at night was just plain creepy. Each floor had an east and west wing. The East wing of the fourth floor was the first wing to be shut down about two weeks before the move. One night at around 9:30 Im up on the floor to get a patient from the west wing. I see a small group of nurses and aids who all used to work on the, now closed, east wing.

They looked visibly shaken. I walked over to see if everything was ok. They told me that they had decided to walk through their old wing for nostalgia’s sake. When they were over there, the phone at the nurses station started ringing. The computers and phones had not yet been moved. Not sure what to do, one of the nurses reached over the counter and answered the phone. The nurse told me there was a woman’s voice on the other end and that she sounded confused. This is the conversation as best I can remember it. “This is _. how can I help you?” Asked the Nurse. “Hello? Who is this?”

“This is _. I’m a nurse. Is there anything I can help you with?” “Where I am I?” “This is (hospital name). Are you patient here?” “Oh. Ok.” Then the line went dead. Thats when the nurse finally looked at the screen on the phone to see where the call was coming from. The phone gave the room number directly next to the nurses station. The rooms by this point had all been cleared out and the phones removed. They could see directly into the room and see that there was nobody in there. Thats when they bolted towards the west wing where I was getting off the elevator. I avoided that wing for the rest of my time there.

19.

I have a bunch of these.

I used to work for the national park in Pennsylvania. My job was toll collection. My shift started at 3 AM. My duty was to assess a small fee from commercial vehicles traversing the park at that god forsaken hour. The neat thing is the first commercial vehicles wouldn’t really even start coming until like 5 or 6 AM (with a few regulars who were in before then). It was the best job and paid very well for what you had to do. The only difficulties of 1. Staying awake and 2. Not allowing your imagination to run away with you and creeping yourself out.

The booth was right next to the Delaware river. So in the early morning, the fields and the road and the woods would take on a mist that hung close and low to the ground, like ghostly white hedges. Staying awake was hard, but the second difficulty was the worst. I would write horror stories while I was in the booth. The setting was too creepy not to channel what I was writing.

One night while typing out a few paragraphs I had this crazy feeling that I was being watched. It was a night with mist like I described. It was cold too. I think it was November (and it must have been as I was home from College at the time). I looked around, sorta bleary eyed. Could not shake the feeling.

The booth was a box that sat squatly in the middle of the road going south on Route 209. A small parking lot was off to the left. The windows allowed you to see in up the parking lot and fee assessment lane, the up the road, and the travel lane ( ). Like a dunce I sat there looking up the road and looking out into the travel lane. Couldn’t see anything but the white mist and the lone street light about a quarter mile up the road.

After a few moments I looked to my left into the parking lot and the assessment lane to see if anything was there. Nothing. I stood up to get a better look and as I did a head of horns and nostrils popped up in front of window and scared the living shit out of me. A deer had wandered up to the booth and had been sorta grazing at the grass that grew near the door. I screamed like a little girl when I saw him and he sorta just meandered quickly away. I had no further need for coffee that morning.

20.

My mother started working at the hospital right out of college. It was the only job she had ever known. On moving day, she was determined to walk through every hallway before leaving for the last time. She had her camera and was taking pictures as she went. On one of the empty patient wings, she stopped and was getting ready to take a picture when the door to the room right next to her slammed shut as though someone on the other side had thrown the door as hard as they could. My mom decided she was done taking pictures.

21.

It was going on ten and I was taking my last patient back to her room. She was a little old lady who was stable enough to ride in a wheel chair but definitely needed assistance on her feet. I got her back to her room and helped her into bed. I made sure she was comfortable and set the bed alarm before turning out the lights and leaving her room. I pulled the curtain behind me so as to not let too much light in but not all the way so that I could still see her in bed from the hallway. Her nurse was in the room next door and I needed to speak with her. While I was standing there, waiting for the nurse to come out of the other room, I distinctly saw a person walk past the curtain inside the old woman’s room.

The person was about the same hight as the woman and had the same grey hair. At first I thought, “She shouldn’t be up walking around!”. Then I remembered the bed alarm was set. The room was totally silent and when I looked in, I could see her still lying there exactly where I had left her. She had not moved an inch and the bed alarm was still armed. Thats when I got the most intense full body chills of my life. The nurse came out of the other room, I gave her my message and then booked it out of there. TC mark

10 Women Reveal Exactly How They Caught Him Cheating

Posted: 28 Mar 2016 07:00 PM PDT

iStockPhoto.com / Leonardo Patrizi
Credit iStockPhoto.com / Leonardo Patrizi

“My now–ex husband was obsessed with fantasy football, so I was used to him being gone to the sports bar a lot during football season. One day I decided to surprise him by going to watch a game with him (I hate football). When I got there, I discovered a waitress sitting in his lap. Apparently football wasn’t the only reason he’d been going there. They’d been hooking up for months.”


“One of my single friends saw his profile on an online dating site. He was looking for ‘something discrete.’ Apparently he doesn’t know what ‘discrete’ means since his profile picture was VERY clearly him. What an idiot. I kicked his ass to the curb.”


“I actually found out, indirectly, from my kids. My husband is a stay-at-home dad and the kids started to mention how they were having lots of playdates with a particular set of kids. Then one day my son said that they went to that house again, but it was supposed to be a secret because he saw Daddy and Hannah’s mom hugging. I confronted my husband and he caved and admitted it.”


“I think my story is the worst. My ex-husband used to work for my father. My dad was and is the head pastor of our church. My husband was the youth pastor (we met at church when we were kids). I found out my husband had cheated because the woman he was seeing, and had dumped, sent MY FATHER an envelope filled with screen-shots of naked pictures and emails they had exchanged. My poor dad had to be the one to tell me. Worst day of my life and his too.”


“Total cliché, but I found out because I walked in on him and his side piece doing it in our bed. Jackass.”


“I found condoms in the glove box of his car when I was putting in our new insurance cards. He had a vasectomy almost 10 years ago, so I guess it was good he was still practicing safe sex … with the prostitute he was seeing? And to answer the follow-up question, no, we aren’t still together.”


“I didn’t catch him — he confessed. He said the guilt had been eating at him for years so he confessed that he had a fling on a business trip six years ago. I wish he hadn’t told me. It made him feel better but made my previously happy life worse. It was totally selfish.”


“I’d been feeling suspicious for a few months. Just lots of little things that weren’t adding up and some odd behaviors, like he was going to the gym all the time but wasn’t looking even a little bit more in shape. One day his phone rang while we were out and he let it go to voice mail. When he went to the bathroom, I listened to the message and it was a woman saying she couldn’t wait to ‘f$8& him again.’ We’re split up now and I’m pretty sure he is still seeing her. Ugh.”


“I found out because he slipped up and charged a hotel room on his credit card. He was supposed to be out of town, but charged a room for a downtown hotel here. It turns out he had a secret credit card he had been using for all his cheating expenses but accidentally used our joint card this time. A part of me still wonders if he did it on purpose to get caught.”


“My husband is a writer and he went away for a month to a writers’ retreat to try to finish his first novel. When he came back, it was clear something was off. Not only was the novel, which never sold because it is TERRIBLE, not finished, but he had a case of genital warts. Awesome. Thank you, random hookup.” TC mark

This story originally appeared on The Stir.

I Don’t Even Know Your Name But I Keep Imagining Your Hands All Over Me

Posted: 28 Mar 2016 06:00 PM PDT

Natalie Allen
Natalie Allen

I’m a mouth full of eager
and shaky hands
that let go earlier than they should.
I say,
it’s not because I don’t want this.
I say,
it’s because I’m a nervous mess of
“Here’s my past”
and “I wonder if this is a good thing.”

You’re all oregano
and basil,
and I’d bet your fingers taste like all my favorite meals.
Let me try.
Let me show you how good this can feel.

What if this is the place
we find what it means
to find religion
in between the sheets

What if this is the place
we find what it means
when people say,
“everything was for us to meet”

You are in the next room and
I feel like I should apologize.
I’m sorry for all the noise,
for all the thumping,
for how my heart constantly shouts,
I WANT YOU.
I WANT YOU.

I could kiss you behind the restaurant
in the alley
whenever your shift finally ends,
and no one would even know.

Baby,
I could kiss you so hard,
and no one would even know. TC mark

‘S’ Is For Swallow: A Blow Job Alphabet

Posted: 28 Mar 2016 05:45 PM PDT

Alf Santos
Alf Santos

We've discussed the A to Z of sexting before, and you guys liked it so much I thought we should tackle another sexy topic- the blowjob. So many words have been spilled about this (sometimes) simple sexual practice, but as a certified blowjob pro I think my words carry just a liiiiiitle more weight.

A is for Alcohol

Don't drink too much pre-blowjob because you might vomit on his dick. I'm just saying this might have happened to someone I know … someone who may or may not be me. Booze-heavy nights out and BJs don't mix!

B is for Breath Control

There's a reason they call a blowjob a job. You have to figure out how to breathe, when to swallow and how not to gag when you deep throat. It's work!

C is for "Can I Have a Blowjob?"

Which is what he's going to ask you for the rest of your life if he's into your technique.

D is for Deep Throating

Practice makes perfect!

E is for Eye Contact

Make it. Porn basically primed men to require eye contact while you're doing the job.

F is for Fun

Sometimes, blowjobs are a chore. I totally get that. But they're also a fun opportunity to practice your skills and make your dude freak out. Act like you're having a great time (or actually enjoy it yourself!) and it'll enhance the experience for both of you.

G is for Grip

A tight-ish one is best. Make a fist around the base of the dick and move it up and down just a little in time with your sucking. Easy-peasy and works like a charm.

H is for Hands

Use them! Don't just suck and lick the dick; add a little grip with one of your hands and try different movements to mix things up.

I is for Ice Cream

It's a stupid women's magazine trick, but pretending that dude's cock is an ice cream cone you just can't get enough of works every time.

J is for Jerking Off

I once fooled around with a dude who could only cum if you blended a blowjob and a handjob – like, just good ol' junior high jerking off. It was not my ideal situation, of course, but he was really into it and the contrast between a warm, wet blowjob and then a handjob really worked for him. Don't knock it 'til you try it!

K is for Know Your Zones

It's not all about the dick, you know. Pay attention to the balls, to that little spot where the head meets the shaft, to the "taint" area (ew, I hate that word) and please the whole crowd!

L is for Lubrication

Get the good spit way back in your throat because its thick consistency lubes everything up so much better.


M is for Main Event

I usually prefer to keep the blowjob strictly in the foreplay section of sex, but sometimes it's fun to get down on my knees and surprise a dude with a middle-of-the-day, no strings attached blowjob.

N is for No Rushing

A slow, teasing blowjob just enhances the excitement and pleasure.

O is for Orgasm, duh

Some dudes can bust in a few minutes from a good beej and others take awhile. Some prefer it as foreplay and others just really want a BJ. Whatever floats your boat.

P is for Pre-Cum

Don't be surprised to see a pearly little bead of pre-cum when you're giving a great BJ! I think pre-cum is sexy, and when it happens during a BJ I just flick it with my tongue.

Q is for Quote

"If we perpetually gave men blowjobs, we could rule the world." –Samantha, Sex and the City

R is for Return the Favor

If you go down on him for an extended period of time and give him a deliciously good BJ, he needs to return the favor for you! If he doesn't, withhold the blow.

S is for Spit or Swallow?

I don't know anyone who spits out jizz post-blowjob orgasm. Do you? I've always swallowed.

T is for Teeth

Be careful you don't slice up the soft, sensitive skin of a dick with your molars! Usually, dudes can deal with a little scraping and if they whine about it, they're probably being a baby. Some guys even like a little tooth action. Just be careful.

U is for Unique

Do your thing! Don't just go through the same boring motions over and over, even if they are effective. Mix it up and try new things to put your own sexy little twist on a blowjob.

V is for Vibration

It's basically proven that guys like it when you hum a little bit while you're blowing them. You can even use your vibrator on a low setting on their balls.

W is for What Not to Do

Don't suck or lick on the head of his dick right after he cums. It's a little too sensitive immediately post-orgasm and it might hurt.

X is for X-plore

I'm just saying that dudes really like butt stuff. I'm JUST SAYING that sometimes a little rimjob enhances the blowjob!

Y is for You're Doing Just Fine

I'll never forget my first blowjob. I was 16 or so and though I'd read a ton of Cosmo articles about BJs, I didn't actually know how to give one. You just gotta go for it and listen to how the dude is reacting, then change things up based on that. You can do it! I have faith in you! Most dudes would say any blowjob is better than no blowjob.

Z is for Zzzzzz

Which is what men tend to do after they have a really good orgasm. Which you provided. If you're annoyed with your boyfriend and want him to shut up and take a nap one afternoon, give him a blowjob and then he'll pass out. TC mark

30 People On The Worst Sex Advice They’ve Ever Gotten

Posted: 28 Mar 2016 05:15 PM PDT

LPKPHOTO
LPKPHOTO
Found on AskReddit.

1. Sex on the beach

"Sex on the beach. Sure it’s great if you’re into fucking a pocket made of sandpaper, my poor ex was in agony for about 2 weeks afterwards."

2. Bite the clit

"My first time ever receiving oral the guy had been told by his bros girls like being bitten on the clit. Fastest right hook i ever gave."

3. Eat the booty like groceries

"Eat the booty like groceries."

4. Chunky peanut butter as lube for anal

"Chunky peanut butter as lube for anal."

5. Wiggle your fingers around inside her like Kermit the Frog

"The whole ‘sure fire method to make a girl squirt’ thing. Cue me rubbing and wiggling my fingers around inside there like Kermit the Frog having a seizure! Strangely enough it wasn't successful."

6. Nutella blowjob

"A blowjob with Nutella covering my dick. It was disappointing and ridiculously messy. Never again."

7. Altoid blowjob

"Put an Altoid in your mouth during oral sex, it will feel awesome! No, no it didn’t."

8. Pop that clit like a stubborn zit

"I had a friend describe trying to ‘pop that clit like a stubborn zit!’"

9. Make the alphabet with your tongue

"Making the alphabet with my tongue. Maybe I was going too fast, like wayyyyyy too fast."

10. Pee in her after ejaculating

"If you pee in her after ejaculating in her, she won’t get pregnant. I actually just really had to pee, I didn’t ejaculate in her, and it was an accident, but it’s the thought that counts."

11. Bite her nipples

“Bite her nipples. Bitches love that shit." They do not."

12. Go down all the way while he’s cumming

"My ex wife heard it’s easier to swallow if you go all the way down as he’s cumming. So she gave it a try the next time we got a little wild, she’s never liked the taste of cum, or even tolerated it for that matter, so I gave her the courtesy tap, and she goes all the way down, I wasn’t expecting it, it did the trick to completely finish me off and I blow my load, she coughed, my cum came out of her nose, then she gagged, then she proceeded to throw my dick up, then throw up all over my junk and between my legs and on my stomach and my pelvic region…it was everywhere. Moral of the story, blowjobs are for before dinner, not after."

13. Three fingers PLUS a dick

"Had someone highly recommend putting 3 fingers inside her whilst having sex. Tried it and she ended up nearly crying. I concluded that guy must have a micropenis for that to work."

14. Shampoo as lube

"Not exactly sex but my friend recommended me to try shampoo as lube. Dick peeling ensued."

15. Popsicles

"It involved popsicles."

16. A finger in her butt while she’s riding you

"'Put a finger in her butt while she’s riding you.' It did not end well."

17. Slap her around while she’s giving you head

"'Slap her around while she’s giving you head.” – my situational awareness is pretty bad. It was out first sexual encounter with each other. She was drunk, and her friend convinced her boyfriend and me that it’s be the best time and place for trying out a side-by-side blowjob. It didn’t go well. No communication. I still feel bad for her when I lie in bed about to sleep."

18. Vicks VapoRub

"I read something about Vaseline early in the day, but by the time night came around I somehow mixed up the name and thought it was Vicks VapoRub that the article was talking about. So I rubbed it on my boyfriend at the time. I remember he was like I don’t know won’t that burn… and I was like nooooo I read it in a magazine that it makes it feel better…. fast forward 5 minutes and it is my boyfriend in the shower crying trying to remove the burning sensation, but he can’t because it is repelling the water, he ends up like purging and crying for a long, long time. I felt like the worst person the world."

19. Enter German airspace

"I’m a private pilot with own plane and everything. Decided to go on vacation with my SO. After 2 hours or so we start to get frisky. The autopilot comes on and we’re starting to have full on sex right there. Long story short, we took too long. Ended up entering German airspace, I realized too late, so when I contacted tower I was being visited by two German Eurofighter Typhoon military aircrafts. I was grounded, ended up getting a fine and a serious warning. No ban, though. Moral of the story: Always know how much time you’ve got when having sex on an aircraft."

20. Chewing on ice while literally blowing

"While dating my ex, who was new to everything, she was told by a friend to chew on ice and blow me as it would feel good. She had never done really anything so when we tried this out, she chewed the ice and literally blew on me. Never put me in her mouth, just blew cold air onto my dick."

21. Icy Hot on the dick

"Rub Icy Hot on your dick for a pleasant tingle you’ll both enjoy. Almost turned into a trip to the ER."

22. Trojan Fire and Ice

"When I was 17 I used the Trojan Fire and Ice lube with my GF… but it made it a little rough. Naturally we decided to use just the fire since it was more ‘lubey’… fire is exactly what we achieved. She curled into a ball crying on the floor while I went and found cold water to throw on your vagina. Wasn’t until afterwards that I realized I could have just used the ice lubricant."

23. You should try licking a girl’s asshole

"’You should try licking a girl’s asshole’—He confides after the date while sharing a marijuana cigarette with me. I technically tried it, thanks Dave."

24. 80% of anything in the Kama Sutra

"80% of anything in a Kama Sutra book. Seriously, pulled vaginal muscles and a broken dick is what you’re looking forward to if you try all the positions and aren’t as agile as a gymnast."

25. Press down on her stomach

"My boyfriend was told by his best friend that if you press down on a girl's stomach it will make her feel your dick more. I didn’t feel any more dick than usual, but it definitely made me have to pee."

26. Bite his cock hard

"I was going down on my ex, and he told me to bite his cock, chew it hard. And I did. It was good advice for the person I was with (he seemed to like it well enough), but definitely bad, BAD advice for anyone else. Luckily I have the common sense not to try it with anyone else!"

27. The horrible stench of sour milk

"Whipped cream. Fun at first, but then the stench, oh dear oh dear oh dear. The horrible stench of sour milk. And it just wouldn’t go away no matter how much we showered."

28. Pop Rock blowjob

"Pop Rock blowjob = sticky penis."

29. Masturbate using an iced sex toy

"Someone told me to masturbate using an iced sex toy… but that was a bad Idea… It ruined my night…. Cried a lot."

30. Put a Berocca effervescent tablet inside your pussy

"The worst I heard and then stupidity tried was 'Put a Berocca effervescent tablet inside your pussy and watch porn.' LPT: don’t fucking do that. Ever." TC mark

Every Day Of The Week All I Think About Is You

Posted: 28 Mar 2016 05:00 PM PDT

Katie Salerno
Katie Salerno

It’s not every day you come across someone who would instantly make you turn your head, who would permanently leave an impression, who would make you remember.

In my case, I unintentionally forget things – even the ones I shouldn’t. I get lost around dates, I mix up names – not until you swung past me that one morning. It was rather warm at the usually chilly office and I was waiting for tasks to get done and over with through the day. Looking at the digital clock at the lower right side of my computer screen, I count the minutes ’til lunch time.

I was bored out of my wits when suddenly a rushing body passed by my desk, arms flailing, legs itching to reach the room. It was the first time I recognized your presence, I instantaneously looked up from my computer screen to see you, brisk walking your way to your room. I instantly followed you through my curious gaze and from then on, I never fail to catch you every morning.

I became so curious, you seemed open yet mysterious, boisterous yet silent. You were my kind of mystery – one that I’d like to solve myself.

Days passed and unknowingly, our closeness reached to the point of consistent Skype convos, inside jokes, after-work dinner outs, and mid-day cigarette breaks. Your company was something I never imagined I would enjoy. And suddenly I knew that at that moment – that one morning – you were something that would leave an unexpected mark on me.

Boy, I was right. Since that day, there was never a single waking moment of my life that I never thought of you. I think about you at the wee hours of the night, at my idle moments when I start to zone out, at the busiest time of the day when I need to turn in a day’s worth of work. Believe me, it’s crazy.

I think about you on Mondays – at the beginning of the week when I used to dread the coming days. I think of how I’ll get to see you again, make the most out of the short time that I get to be with you. I think of how much work I’ll be dumped with and how I’m just so motivated to conquer them all.

I think about you on Tuesdays, how you’d like your morning coffee. Is it with a tinge of milk or with a spoonful of sugar or just plain black? I think about what drives you to do the things you do, where you get your daily source of inspiration – because I would like to tell you mine.

I think about you on Wednesdays, what kind of music do you enjoy listening to. Do you enjoy blasting rock tunes on your stereo, or humming to the blues while driving, or belting out to some R&B. I think about what makes your heart sing – like what you do to mine.

I think about you on Thursdays, when the week is almost over it just isn’t. I think about your smile and what makes you laugh and how it would be one of my favorite feelings in the world – knowing that my happiness is just as happy as I am.

I think about you on Fridays, the last day of the week where I’ll get to see you. I think about how you’d like to spend your free time, your Friday nights knowing that you won’t have to snooze your alarm the next day. I think about what you think when you start to zone out, where your mind wanders and for how long – because I know you have mine and I don’t think I still want it back.

I think about you on Saturdays when the world seems calm. I think about how nice it would be silent with you, what it feels like to have you by my side and not say a single word. Sometimes, silence is deafening but with you just inches from me, I know that silence would be everything.

I think about you on Sundays when I’m having my usual morning coffee to start off the rather lazy day. I think about how it would be nice to wake up next to you and spend the rest of the day in bed before another busy week begins. I think about how I know I would enjoy my Sundays more knowing that we get to be with each other doing nothing and anything and everything at the same time.

There’s nothing and no one that inhabits my thoughts like you. You are in everything I do and every word I say, I think about you way more than I should and I don’t think I would want it any other way. TC mark

To Anyone Who Questions If The Pain They Feel From Heartbreak Is Legitimate

Posted: 28 Mar 2016 04:00 PM PDT

Nishe
Nishe

The pain of a breakup is absolutely normal. In fact, it's beyond normal. It's a guaranteed experience within any great life. Maybe you read my article on dating but it's worth mentioning again a point I made there: "Don't be afraid of feeling crushed. Be afraid of living a life where your heart was never once broken. To live outside heartbreak is to live a pale existence, is to numb out. That's nothing to glorify. So, if your heart is at stake, press on in full pursuit. Let that be enough to make you proud and brave at heart…"

I believe with absolute certainty that love, both lost and current, is something to be celebrated every day. You loved, you gave love, you felt, you inspired someone else to feel. Do you know how important that is?

As you probably notice happening quite often, more and more people struggle to let people in, let alone let love into their lives. People are starved for love (look at how many dating apps there are, and how very little stigma there is attached to them!) and have more opportunities to meet someone today than ever before yet there's this deep frustration and sadness surrounding the results of dating. And that's not because the dating culture is impossible, it's because the people within it have fallen out of touch with themselves.

What I mean is people starve for love yet make it impossible to actually let love into their lives. They put up walls and create rules and they disappear on each other. The fact that you're not immune to the tender phases of grievance because you have had a relationship, and one deep enough that you are experiencing pain in the wake of it, tells me you are not one of these impossible people.

It tells me you are more rare than others and, believe it or not, are ahead of others too (even if you are single now!) because you know how to love and, better still, you know you can love greatly. Live through that confidence. Don't minimize it, okay?

I believe our heart breaks in mysterious ways, ways that can be forceful, that may go against what we ourselves want — and that, this sometimes needs to happen, sometimes our breakups need to be outside our control in order to bring us closer to the next love we are meant for.

Years ago I was told that sometimes the world does for us what we can't do for ourselves. I've never forgotten that. It kind of blew my mind wide open, and put my heartache to rest too. Maybe it can comfort you as well.

So much of recovering from a breakup has to do with mindset and perspective. I know how difficult and impossible it can feel to even fathom changing your thoughts and thinking in more empowered ways in the midst of such doubt and heartbreak but, believe me, better thinking is essential for a greater life and it's also the gateway to greater love. Chin up, alright?

And hey, don't forget, that while your ex may have ended things that doesn't effect your capacity to give love… today, tomorrow, or sometime in the near, near future. TC mark

I’m Sorry I Can’t Love You

Posted: 28 Mar 2016 03:00 PM PDT

Natalie Allen
Natalie Allen

You caught me off guard. With your blue eyes and your stupid laugh. It's funny, isn't it, how we seem to find happiness in the strangest of places.

I was just trying to be, to exist, to find myself again. Reeling from a breakup I was selfish, focused, determined.

I went through my days routinely, religiously. Finding peace in simplicity, grace in the people around me.

I found that happiness was belting out country songs at a stoplight, sharing cheeseburgers and fries with best friends, sitting in silence under the stars. I learned that love is not solely centered on one person, and is not one single feeling. Love is transitive—people, places, memories.

But then you came along. All arms and hands and shoulders and smiles. Shy at first, and patient. Listening when I needed you. And distracting me, when I didn't know that was what I needed.

You didn't try to say all the right things; you didn't try to be the man I wanted. But somewhere in the mess of late nights and tequila shots, it wasn't me that changed. It was you.

You wanted to be that man I needed, wanted to be that mend, that fix to my broken heart. But you can't be those things. And I'm sorry.

I am a wounded woman. Not destroyed, still strong. But a woman whose heart is entangled with a man from her past, who still thinks about him on quiet mornings, who still replays those memories like a faded filmstrip and sighs into her pillow.

I don't want him. But I still love him. And will love him for a while. See, this is the hardest part of falling out of love. You become whole again, but you still have those slivers of memory, reminding you that yes, that was real.

I'm sorry I cannot love you. This isn't a choice I made, but an unconscious feeling. I cannot love you because my heart is still caught in the mess of someone else. I cannot love you because I am too selfish, too determined, too content in being the girl on her own.

I am not a grieving woman. I am not a woman to be pitied or consoled.

I am not broken, not weak, not unfit to love.

I just can't love you right now, can't love at all right now.

I need some time to breathe. To remember what it's like to sit alone on the backyard patio and drink in the sun. To sleep across the entirety of my bed, sprawled and free.

I need time to know what it is I really want. Because right now I know I may get lonely, but I don't mind being alone. TC mark

8 Things All Girls Who Are Absolutely Terrible At Accepting Compliments Can Relate To

Posted: 28 Mar 2016 02:01 PM PDT

Natalie Allen
Natalie Allen

1. It’s not that we don’t want to accept your compliments, we just don’t believe what you’re saying.

We want to, but we just can’t. Tell us we have a beautiful smile and we’ll ask you how many girls you’ve told that to in the past three days. You might be a wonderfully genuine person who means everything you say, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be able to get us to accept your compliment.

2. We give out compliments, but can’t take them.

We’re not afraid to tell other people how fantastic they are, but when they return the favor, NOPE. “You look awesome tonight!” we say. “Thank you, so do you!” they say. “Ew no I don’t.”

3. Not accepting compliments must mean we have low self-esteem.

We can come off as self-deprecating when we refuse to believe you think we’re pretty, but our self-esteem isn’t necessarily in the toilet, our trust in other people’s opinions is. We don’t think we’re the worst people on earth, we just think you’re lying when you tell us how great we are.

4. And we must have no self-acceptance.

In today’s world it’s hard to find someone who fully accepts every part of themselves. So technically we’re not alone. There are parts of ourselves we love, we’re just terrible admitting it to those who point them out.

5. Significant others get frustrated.

If you can’t accept a compliment from someone you love, who can you accept a compliment from? Basically no one. Significant others will try and try again, until they become so tired of us refuting their praise, that they give up entirely, and then we become offended when they no longer compliment us. It’s a vicious cycle.

6. Hitting on us is impossible.

Ever try to hit on a girl who can’t accept compliments? We feel bad for you when you try. You’ll tell us we look great and we’ll reply with how fat we feel in the outfit we’re wearing, and then you’ll have no idea what to say next, so you’ll probably walk away.

7. Eye rolling happens often.

When you feed us compliments we roll our eyes, not because we think you’re annoying, but because we physically don’t have the ability to smile and say, “thank you.” It’s a good thing our parents were lying when they said our eyes would get stuck like that. *Eye roll*

8. We’re told we really should learn how to accept a compliment.

As if that helps us to accept them. Just because you tell us to do something, doesn’t mean we will. Chances are the more we hear this, the more refuting of compliments we will do. TC mark

13 Women On The Qualities About Their Boyfriend That Made Them Settle Down

Posted: 28 Mar 2016 01:00 PM PDT

iStockPhoto.com / Anne Baek
iStockPhoto.com / Anne Baek

1. “He always says he just wants me to be happy. When you find someone who cares about your happiness it makes you want to find it for yourself that much more.” —Grace, 26

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2. “I could tell he was attracted to me for more than my appearance, or body, or anything physical. He is attracted to who I am, rather than who I appear to be.” —Julianna, 25

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3. “We were on and off for a long time, and when we finally tried to make the off period permanent, we couldn’t. When I realized it was harder to be without him, I knew it wouldn’t be possible to not have him in my life.” —Brittany, 25

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4. “He’s my best friend, and he makes everything more fun. How could you not settle down with someone like that?” —Amy, 26

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5. “When I go down on him, he returns the favor, enough said.” —Kim, 24

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6. “My parents never like ANY of my boyfriends. When they met him, they loved him almost more than I did. That wasn’t the only thing that sealed the deal, but it definitely helped.” —Alex, 23

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7. “I can be myself around him without being scared of what he’s thinking. Chances are he thinks I’m a complete weirdo, but he loves me regardless, and I love that.” —Diana, 25

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8. “He’s secure enough to not question what I’m doing when he’s not with me. If I tell him I’m going out with the girls, he doesn’t ask what guys are going to be there. He lets me have my own life, and knows that I’d never abuse his trust.” —Samantha, 26

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9. “I was single for basically ever, when I found someone who I missed even if I saw him the day before I was like oh wow, I must really like this person, and I thought I should probably do something about it. Now we’re in a serious relationship.” —Caroline, 24

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10. “When he says things about me I know he means them, and not just because I’m a naive 20 something girl in a new relationship that believes anything a boy will tell her, but because he backs up his words with actions. He doesn’t just say ‘you’re wonderful’ he shows me how much he appreciates me, and then I’m convinced he’s telling me the truth.” —Erica, 23

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11. “He’s willing to compromise. We don’t always have to do what he wants to do, go where he wants to go, we do what I want to do too, we go where I want to go too. We both make compromises for the sake of each other, because the other person is worth it.” —Natalie, 25

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12. “I finally feel like I found someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated.” —Trish, 25

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13. “There’s no guessing with him. I wasn’t constantly wondering, ‘Does he like me?’ ‘Did I do something wrong?’ ‘Will he call me back?’ He makes me certain that I’m someone he wants in his life, and I never have to question that.” —Lauren, 26 TC mark