Thought Catalog


When You Tell Me You’re Not Ready To Settle Down, I See It As A Challenge

Posted: 18 Apr 2016 09:28 PM PDT

Joel Sossa
Joel Sossa

I want you to know that when you tell me you aren't ready to settle down, I take it as a challenge.

Because I see how you look at me.

I see how sometimes you just have to touch me.

I see how we always seem to have deep conversations when we stand on your porch smoking cigarettes.

I see how you poke and tease, just trying to get a rise out of me. You know what to do, you do it, and laugh at my reaction.

I know you like how I cook.

I know you like how I think.

I know you like when we drink tequila and all the wild things we do with our bodies.

I know I like to look at you.

I like to touch you.

I like to have deep conversations with you on your porch and smoke cigarettes.

I like when you poke and tease me. I like that my natural reaction makes you laugh.

I like when you watch me cook. How sometimes you help. How you come up behind me and kiss my neck, causing major distraction. I like how you do the dishes afterward, and wonder if there has ever been anyone that can make washing dishes look so sexy.

I like how you think. Your knowledge of literature, history and pop culture are unparalleled. I like how you recite Shakespeare to me as you walk up to me slowly, looking me in the eyes. It's like you know exactly how to make my heart race.

And oh god, the tequila and the things it makes us do to each other. I like bite marks and bruises. I like running my nails over your shoulders and down your spine. I like the sounds you make. I might just be addicted.

I don't think I'm ready to settle down either. But darling, we aren't getting any younger.

And I'm not falling for you any less.

Everything takes time and I'm in no hurry.

We could be something magical.

Honestly, we already are.

We don't have to settle down. But maybe it's something we can work toward. TC mark

She’s Happy Now, He’s Still The Same Piece Of Shit

Posted: 18 Apr 2016 08:00 PM PDT

Quentin Simon
Quentin Simon

He looked the same. The part in his hair was the same, the scruff on his chin the same, his drink of choice, Jack and Coke, the same. Nothing about his physical appearance was different, and she imagined nothing about his intellect was different either. She assumed he was still the same self-absorbed, ungrateful bastard that he was when they were together.

She assumed he had learned nothing from their relationship, that he was still set on the thought that she should’ve thanked him for leaving her, that he was doing her a favor, it was for her own good, and now she realizes while at the moment of heartbreak she felt like the world was ending, his leaving was the best thing that could’ve happened to her.

When she was with him, the convenience of companionship concealed the red flags. She was blinded to the fact that he loved himself more than he loved her, blinded to the fact that his words didn’t match his actions. At that time words were enough. She only needed to hear how much she meant to him, and didn’t care whether or not he showed it, because being with someone who could proclaim love but not demonstrate it was better than being with nobody at all.

But now she was different. Now she was happy with herself, her life, and she didn’t think of companionship in terms of convenience she thought of it in terms of who she wanted to share her life with. She realized companionship was not something you should crave because you’re scared of being lonely, but something that depends on the person you’re calling your companion. She realized it was only the idea of him she loved.

And her happiness led her to stop trying, not in an ‘I give up on love’ kind of way, but in a way that she wanted to live her life searching for herself, and maybe someone along the way would make that discovery with her. And someone did.

It wasn’t love at first sight. She didn’t feel a magic spark when she first shook his hand and told him her name, it was an average introduction that turned into an intoxicated escape. A summer night of drunken kisses in a freezing pool, and innocent fondling on a less than sturdy hammock, but she loved kissing him. She loved his touch against her skin and the way he pushed her hair behind her ear. She loved the way his earring felt cold against her chest as he kissed her neck.

She was happy now, happy with herself, and the people she chose to include in her life, she was in love. In love with this boy who showed her love and didn’t just say it. And when she felt love with him she realized that this person from her past sitting across the bar was not someone who mattered, he was the shell of a person she used to know, used to share her life with, and while she wished she had never met him, he lead her to her current happiness.

She hadn’t seen him since the breakup, since he asked if they could still be friends and she told him no, since he told her that she wouldn’t realize it now, but eventually she’d thank him. And standing in that bar where it felt like two worlds were colliding, where the boy she thought she loved from her past was in the same room as the boy she currently knew she loved in the present, she thought of everything she wanted to say to the one who left her, the one who hurt her.

She was angry, angry that finally when she stopped thinking about him, finally when she was happy with someone else, happy with herself, when he was no longer in her mind, he somehow found a way to pop back in. She hated him for that.

When he left her she repeated over and over the things she would tell him if she ever saw him again. Words filled with fury, sadness, pain, words she didn’t know she had in her, but would feel so good to get out. But she hadn’t seen him. She hadn’t been given the chance to purge her pent up emotions, splatter them across his face to see how he’d react. She never called, she never texted, she let it go, but she waited for the day when she’d run into him, the day she could say the things she felt would give her closure. And it never happened. Until now.

She felt like the universe was trying to tell her something. That her ex was in this bar with her and the boy she currently loved because the world was trying to show her some type of metaphorical venn diagram. That the universe was telling her to think about the terrible way her ex treated her and how it was so wrong compared to the boy who currently treats her so right. And she wanted to storm up to him, this ghost from her past and say all the things she felt inside, but she didn’t want to hurt the boy who stood beside her. Didn’t want him to think she was holding onto something. But she knew he was confident in her love, and she was confident in his. So she did.

She approached her ex who stood across the bar waiting for another whiskey. The walk felt infinitely longer than it should’ve, and when she finally stood behind him, she downed the remaining tequila soda in her glass, liquid courage. She tapped him on the shoulder expecting him to turn around with shock written across his forehead. When he looked at her she felt a tinge of regret. Regret for walking up to him, regret for ever meeting him, ever dating him, ever sharing a part of her life with him, and before he could even say hello, she said exactly what she wanted to say.

It didn’t sound rehearsed, it didn’t sound planned, because everything she said came out differently than she ever thought it would. It came out with confidence, with assurance that she was currently in the place she belonged, that her life was finally full of meaning,

After she flawlessly executed her impromptu soliloquy, she didn’t wait for his reply. She put her empty glass on the bar beside him, picked up his Jack and Coke, turned around and walked away. Away to the boy who currently loved her. The boy who showed her what real love is. And when she finally made it back to him he looked at her and smiled and he asked her how she felt. And she told him she was happy.

Imagining all of this, imagining her saying everything she’s ever dreamt of saying to her ex, taking his Jack and Coke, walking away without letting him say anything in return, made her realize she didn’t need to say anything at all. She didn’t need to give him the satisfaction of thinking she still cared, she didn’t need to waste her energy on someone who didn’t deserve it. She knew he was the same person who left her, the same self-centered bag of shit who hurt her, and that no matter what emotions, words, or thoughts she purged on him, would only give her temporary release.

She saw her ex standing on the other side of the bar, and she looked at the loving boy who stood beside her, she grabbed his hand and said, ‘let’s get out of here.’ She walked past her ex and didn’t say a word, didn’t tap him on the shoulder, or look into his eyes, she left. And she walked out of his life like he walked out of hers, and she was happy. TC mark

Be With Someone You Can Fall In Love With Over And Over And Over Again

Posted: 18 Apr 2016 07:15 PM PDT

Wendy Liu
Wendy Liu

The last time my boyfriend and I had a big fight, I stormed out of our apartment contemplating The End. As I pushed back tears laced with bitterness, pride, regret, confusion, and anger, I thought long and hard about what moving on would entail—emotionally, psychologically, and even logistically.

I thought about how I would have to collect the pieces of myself and establish an independent existence after more than five years of interlocking my identity with someone else's. How I would have to change all my passwords and find another, smaller apartment to live in. How I would have to strip my favorite garments and possessions of all the happy couple memories embedded in them, or donate everything to charity. How I would have to start handling all the tiny details essential to getting by as an adult—paying the electric bill, taking out the garbage, figuring out what to eat for dinner—all by myself. How I would have to explain my single status to friends and colleagues, eventually settling on some one- to two- sentence, half true story specifically designed to discourage further questioning.

Since I was dressed in workout clothes when things went wrong that day, I wandered towards the gym, blind to the world outside my mind. As I imagined the ramifications of an impending breakup in more and more painful detail, steeling myself for an entirely different future from the one I'd been envisioning up until then, I ran three miles on the treadmill and at least a million in my head. Afterwards, I stretched out on a mat, but instead of doing sit-ups I stared up at the ceiling, hands resting on stomach, knees bent.

* * *

Fifteen minutes or an hour passed before I spotted his familiar form in the mirrored wall, off to the right by the entrance. His reflection automatically unnerved me. Maybe he’d come to deliver one last biting remark. To let me know that he’d thrown all my stuff out the window and changed the locks. To say goodbye once and for all.

As soon as our eyes met, however, I saw that I was mistaken. He was there out of kindness. To say sorry.

That’s when I fell in love with my boyfriend all over again. It didn’t matter how nasty we’d been to each other hours earlier, or who was “right” about anything. It didn’t matter that we could bring out the absolute worst in each other, or that we sometimes pushed each other to the brink of sanity.

Because I remembered.

I remembered how crazy passionate my boyfriend is, and how I admire that about him, even if his fiery energy is sometimes channeled towards attacking me. I remembered that he can be a stubborn prick, but that he’s not any more pigheaded than I am. I remembered that he is diligent and meticulous and charming as hell. That our minds work in completely different ways, which makes understanding each other really tough sometimes, but that our differences are partly to credit for why we’re so good together. I remembered that he is a devoted partner who prioritizes our relationship above all. That I adore the life we've built so far.

As my boyfriend made his way over to me, his stride somehow both confident and humbled, his gaze never left mine. We apologized to each other silently until he was at my side.

Squatting, he handed me a note scribbled in Sharpie on a piece of printer paper: "I'm sorry," it said. "Let's start over. I love you."

“I’m sorry, too,” I said.

Then he kissed me.

As he walked away, my heart, mind, and soul bathed in relief. I could finish my workout without churning through unwelcome hypotheticals. My life was back to normal. I felt restored—reassured that I was dating a wonderful man and that we were one of those couples that would actually make it.

* * *

Every single time our relationship is rattled, I somehow end up more in love with my boyfriend than before. During fights, I tend to forget why we’re together. But I always come around to remember. And every single time that I do, I feel more certain about us than ever. It's happened a bazillion times already, and it will happen again.

Maybe that’s just how true love operates. As two people conquer test after test, choosing forgiveness in the name of staying together, they grow stronger as a unit. I don’t know. All I have is my own experience to share, my own heart to mine.

I don't believe in the one, or capital “F” fate. I’m not all that sentimental. But I do believe in love. More than anything, I believe that when you find someone you can fall in love with over and over and over again, that person is worth holding onto. You just have to trust your heart to remind you why. TC mark

What Your Preferred Method Of Masturbation Says About You

Posted: 18 Apr 2016 07:00 PM PDT

santiago__cervantes
santiago__cervantes

Au Natural

You’ve absolutely referred to your bits as a food related item aaaat least once. You’re a little bit old fashioned and nostalgic, and probably are afraid of change to a certain extent. You sleep in designated pajamas instead of some gross ass t-shirt and definitely have a Pinterest board dedicated to interior design that is filled with white walls and text art of inspirational quotes. You probably describe your fashion sense as “classic”, are always on time, and the idea of even TALKING about masturbation makes you giggle.

A Good Old Fashioned Vibrator

You’re definitely comfortable with your sexuality, but there’s still a lot you could probably learn. That being said, you know what you like and you’re not afraid to admit it. When everyone else is trying new trends for the Insta, you’re happy and content to stick with ordering the same food you always get and not even snap a picture. You are all about routine, and don’t like inefficiency. You definitely have road rage and get annoyed at people in coffee shops who get to the counter without knowing what they want.

A Vibrator With Allllll The Bells And Whistles

Omg you’re such a Samantha. You tell everyone that you’ve had sex in public, but really you and your boyfriend just went out into the backyard and finger-banged a little. You lied about how young you were when you lost your virginity to look cool, and have learned a lot about what turns you on from reading Harry Potter fanfiction. You’re always the center of attention and feel very threatened when someone might be funnier than you.

Humping A Pillow

You’ve been single juuuuuust a little too long. You’re probably at the point in a dry spell where you’re actually afraid of sexual contact with another human being. Your most serious relationship is with Postmates. You definitely have at least four dating apps on your phone and your bio either includes “looking for my partner in crime” or a song lyric. You’ve definitely cried to “All Too Well” or a Dashboard Confessional music video at 2:30 AM before.

It Has To Include A Butt Plug

You 100% have commitment issues.

A Non-Sex Toy

If you diddle yourself using something like a vibrating toothbrush or a back massager, you clearly got a little too into your own head when you found it at Target or Bed Bath and Beyond. You’re way too concerned about what other people think of you and ask “are they mad at me???” about 12 times a day. You take it very personally if someone un-friends you on Facebook or un-follows you on Twitter. And worse? You’re getting upset just thinking about it right now.

Using A Fleshlight

You are probably smarter than most people give you credit for, but it’s because you’re pretty weird and often misunderstood. You’ve been the cause of more than one awkward silence in your lifetime…hell you cause more than one a day. You probably got a little too addicted to WOW at some point in your life. It’s fine, we all go through dark period.

A Routine You Follow With ZERO Variation.

You probably have a very professional job that you kick ass at. You have a “take no prisoners” kind of attitude. You would probably propose to someone by saying, “Should we just do this?” and then drive to the courthouse the next day. When people describe you, it’s with a healthy about of respect and fear — which you totally love.

You Don’t. You Just Don’t.

You’re a fucking liar. I bet you don’t pee in the shower either.🆗🆒

The Shower Head

You probably live with roommates and spoiler alert: they hate you for how much you hog the bathroom. You probably have read receipts turned on on your phone and then LIE after not responding to someone with an “omg i totally missed that text lol” excuse. You don’t even think twice before eating the last piece of pizza or taking the last lime La Croix in the fridge. Because you’re a monster. TC mark

10 Crucial Things He Wants You To Know Before You Give Him Head

Posted: 18 Apr 2016 06:00 PM PDT

Giphy
Giphy

1. It’s not a race

Some guys can come as soon as a mouth gets within like 1 second of their cock and, I mean, I guess that makes your task that much easier! No matter what, though, sucking him off is not a race. It should be something you enjoy doing and that he enjoys having you do. Don’t do it if you don’t enjoy it because, first of all, fuck that, and secondly it’s going to be a terrible blowjob if neither of you wants to be there. A good blowjob is never quick. You have to savour the penis, like an excellent boy steak lol.

2. Using your hands is cheating

There are people out there who think that you can get away with giving head if you just put your mouth on the tip from time to time and jerk him off for the rest. But that’s not a blowjob. A blowjob is mostly mouth work and you use your hands as an additional flourish to give that extra sensation when he’s least expecting it. Rather than using your hands throughout, try bringing them in only occasionally as a grace note to your performance. Using your hands the whole time is cheating.

3. Teeth

NO.

4. Caress him

It’s easy to think that head jobs are all about the penis, but actually there’s other stuff around there, too! Feel up on his stomach, around his legs, thighs, feet, nipples. Put your hands up on his neck. This will certainly amplify all the work you’re doing and it will make him feel good, and it will make you feel powerful knowing that you can make him feel this way.

5. Touch yourself

Don’t forget to touch yourself, too. There are plenty of guys out there who want to feel worshipped, who want you to worship their fucking cocks to the exclusion of your own pleasure. Fuck that — but actually. Touch yourself! Plus, he will like knowing that you sucking him off makes you want to touch yourself. THAT is a turn on.

6. Be really, really fucking excited to get his D in your mouth

Sex is always about enthusiasm. Do you want to be in that bed/backseat/bathroom stall with him? If you don’t, the sex WILL be bad because all you can think about is the end. A good blowjob is an enthusiastic blowjob. That doesn’t mean you need to be moaning and ooh-ing and aaaaaaah-ing at every slurp, or slurping at all because this is real life not porn and humans do not come with sound effects. But being excited does show him that you really like sucking him off and doing so is just as good for you as it is for him.

7. Simply Bobbing up and down for 10 minutes is so boring

I mean he’ll come, yeah, because physics, but it won’t be an earth shattering load. Be inventive, ladies and gay dudes!

8. Do things with your tongue

Speaking of being inventive, try doing different things with your tongue! You don’t have to be “sucking” the entire time. Even just licking like a lollipop can feel good and hands down for every second his dick is not in your mouth and you’re doing other things, teasing him in other ways, I guarantee you he’s dying for you to put that D back in your mouth and he doesn’t know when you’re going to and aaaaaaaaah the anticipation!!!!!

9. Not all guys like their balls played with

Just a gentle FYI before you go pulling and crunching.

10. See what he responds to, then keep doing exactly that

The best blowjob tip you can ever receive is to do some stuff, see what he responds the most to and keep doing that. Every guy likes something different, and if you can figure out what he likes without him saying anything, you’ll have him, well, by the balls. TC mark

29 People Reveal Their Terrifying And Heroic Tales Of Coming Face To Face With A Burglar In Their Own Home

Posted: 18 Apr 2016 05:45 PM PDT

via Flickr - Surian Soosay
via Flickr – Surian Soosay

1. “Have At Thee, Knave!”

I actually shouted “have at thee” when some guy broke into my house. 2am, I’m alone (wife’s away) and I hear a door, someone climbing the stairs, etc. Still half asleep I figured it was in my head until I saw a flashlight walking into my bedroom. Went for my 4-cell and leapt out of the rack with the stupidest war whoop ever and he pearled before I could grab him. I’m still pissed off I wasn’t awake enough to catch him. At any rate, seeing a 200lb, barely dressed, hairy fat-ass come charging at you out of the dark has to be terrifying enough.

Oh, I missed grabbing my mag-lite and instead grabbed the power strip. Halfway out the room before I realized I was brandishing a power strip, alarm clock, cell phone charger, and night lamp. File under: “crazy white boy with issues.”

2. Good Manners All Around

My female friend was home alone in her house when this huge black guy walked into her bedroom. She was in shock, so of course the first thing she says is, “Uh, can I help you?” The guy goes “Oh shit!” and takes off. She got window bars installed that week.

3. A Giant Man And His Dog

I was in the shower when I heard my dog start to bark. She rarely does so, so this meant one of two things, there was a stray cat in my front yard, or some shit was actually up. I wrapped a towel around myself and walked out and saw my front door hanging open and some kid with pantyhose over his head. My dog was growling really menacingly and curling her lip at him while I just yelled “What the fuck!?” I suppose the mixture of him not having a weapon, my dog being ferocious and me being 6’2, soaking wet and mostly naked made him nope the fuck out, because he fucking booked it.

I figured he was a kid in his early adolescence, because he was short and obviously saw the pantyhose over the head idea on TruTV or something without knowing its purpose.

In hindsight, I wish I had dropped the towel, put my fists up and said “HAVE AT YOU, RUFFIAN!” To really fuck that kid up mentally, but I was too shocked at the time to consider the funny.

4. “Help”

While I was in graduate school, I was getting some much needed and probably pretty deep sleep in the afternoon after pulling an all nighter and turning in a paper that was due earlier in the day and woke up to hear two guys talking to each other in the next room. I was very confused but luckily realized what was going on before I said anything or got up. Heard them talking about how to get my TV out of my apartment and decided it was probably best to just act like I was sleeping and hope they just went on their way.

While laying there I realized I had a cordless phone nearby. Dialed 911 and didn’t say anything – just whispered ‘help.’ Cops showed up 10 minutes later just as the two guys were walking out the door. Woke up. Felt good. Got my TV, Laptop, and a bunch of video games back.

Did not go back to sleep. Finally appreciated the mandatory response to any 911 call.

Moral of the story: if you need to call 911 and aren’t sure what to say, its the thought that counts and you don’t need to say a word.

5. A Hilarious Scene

One night, my aunt (who was in her late teens/early 20s at the time) was awoken by strange sounds coming from downstairs. It was far too late for anyone to be wandering around the house, so she grabbed a baseball bat and walked into the hall.

She checked my uncle’s bedroom door. Closed. She checked my mom’s bedroom door. Closed. Grandma wasn’t home, as she worked nights. Aunt decides to investigate on her own.

She peeks downstairs and can see someone trying to enter through the kitchen window, clad in black. She can’t see their face, but she doesn’t take chances. She quietly sneaks back upstairs, grabs the telephone and calls 911.

She actually worked at the police dispatch center, so she actually knew the person who picked up on the 911 line. She tells this person to send cops right away, that someone was breaking in. Within only a couple minutes, a couple police cars pull up to the house and cops head towards the kitchen, both inside and outside, guns drawn.

It seems that the burglar was stuck in the window. The police grabbed him by the legs and pulled him out and had him pinned to the ground. Aunt comes running up to see who the burglar was.

It was my uncle. He snuck out in the middle of the night to go and get drunk with his friends (he was underage), forgot to bring the key and locked himself out, and was so shitfaced (and fat) that he couldn’t manage to push himself through the kitchen window.

6. One Noise Did The Trick

My Dad’s story:

He was living in an apartment on the second floor. One night he was woken from slumber from some noise in the living room. Being from Texas, he grabs his shotgun (standard Texas issue when any Texas citizen comes of age) and slowly and silently moves into the living area like a redneck ninja.

He sees the balcony door open and a dude rummaging through the stuff in the darkened living room.

My dad, the badass, says nothing. Does not move. Does not make a peep. He simply cocks his shotgun.

Upon hearing this, the burglar does not turn around. He does not hesitate for a second. He runs through the open door, leaps off the balcony and just starts running when he hits the ground.

I don’t think my dad even bothered to call the cops. I honestly never even thought to ask him if he did.

7. “Fresh Tattoo”

My grandpa (naked, in his late 50’s, fresh tattoo) held a revolver to a robber who was outside their house at night with a shopping cart full of their stuff. Grandma dialed 911, the cops came and pointed spotlights at everything (including him, still naked), and arrested the guy.

8. Grandma Exorcises A Burglar

My great grandma, being the hardcore christian she was, told the robber in a commanding voice, “GO WITH GOD.” The dude freaked and booked it out of there in fear of this old grandma with a Bible. And she did it all from her easy chair.

9. The Archer And The Thief

I do traditional archery. I also sleep naked. These will be relevant points in about twenty seconds.

My last house wasn’t in the nicest of neighborhoods. Not bad, but not really the kind of place you want to leave a door unlocked. Luckily for me, I remembered to lock the door…but forgot that I’d burned something in the oven earlier and left the kitchen window cracked.

At this point, I lived alone with my two cats, but my tom might as well be a guard dog. About two in the morning, I heard my cat going apeshit in the living room, and I knew something was up. So I grabbed my bow off of the wall (40# recurve, I keep it strung, and now some archer’s gonna yell at me for it) and knocked an arrow.

Walked into the living room quietly, flipped on the light, and behold…a young man half-in, half-out of my kitchen window, straddling it like a horse. It’s not an easy window to climb through, the sill is about at eye-level.

Drew back to my anchor, lined up my shot, and said “Wrong house, motherfucker!”

He stared at me completely dumbfounded/terrified for a moment. Considering that he’d just been caught in the act of breaking into a house by a 6’2″ bow wielding woman wearing nothing but socks, I think he handled himself quite well actually. He promptly rolled out of my window and beat feet.

Drew down, rehung my bow, got dressed, and called the police. I don’t think they believed me, and the guy was never found.

10. The Setup

My older sister had left with her “friends” I didn’t want to go because I was sick so I stayed home playing games. Not long after I saw a few guys with masks and beanies walk out of my sisters room. I stood up scared one of them punched me in the ribs a few times and threw me in the bathroom while one of them stood watch with a pocket knife to make sure I didn’t do anything.

Two were in the living room stealing my Wii and PS3. Then my sister and her “Friends” got home and she rang the door bell scaring off the two in the house and they left all the games and their backpacks. My sister came in through the open window. The one in the bathroom was freaking out then my sister opened the bathroom door and pushed him into the wall (his back was against the door when she opened it).

At that point I rushed him and repeatedly punched him in the face while he was in a headlock. He got free and ran out of the window they came in. Her “Friends” outside just let him run. We call the cops and they take the backpack which has the robbers names in it. It turns out the people who were her “Friends” had actually set it up so that they could rob us. They are all in jail now for various things.

11. The Castle Doctrine

I live in a two bedroom apartment with my best friend and my dog. When we moved in we decided to buy a shotgun for home protection since we lived on a more dangerous part of town.

So one night I wake up to the sound of my dog growling. He is a Lab who is always friendly so as soon as he was showing aggression towards something, I knew someone had broken in. I grabbed the shotgun from under my bed(we decided to keep it in my room because I had more experience shooting.) and went to go check out what was up. As soon as I opened the door my dog ran out and started barking at the guy that had broken in. My dog didn’t do anything but stand there and bark. Right at that moment I pointed my shotgun at this guy and told him to lay down. I gave him a choice, either stay still and wait till the cops show up, or I will shoot you if he tried to run. I live in Texas so it’s legal to shoot an intruder inside of your house. He decided to stay on the ground and wait for the cops to show up. I yelled my roommates name until he woke up and told him to call the cops. I’m glad he decided to wait for the cops to show because I don’t think I would’ve been able to shoot him.

12. The Girl From Suburbia

I was working the morning shift at the time and was about to go to sleep around 9am when I heard a knock at my door. I looked through the peep hole and there was a huge dude that I did not recognize standing there. I figured if I didn’t say anything he would just go away. He did not. After a minute I walked into the other room trying to decide what I should do. While I was pacing, he threw his whole weight (probably a good 400 pounds) into my door and busted the frame right in. I screamed as loud as possible ‘WHAT THE FUCK?!’ and grabbed my phone to call 911.

Ten minutes later locked in my bathroom the cops finally showed up, he ran off once I screamed. I rode in the cop car and id’d him a street over. Thinking back, if I had just said “who’s there?” he probably would have left…but oh well. I was very disappointed how I actually reacted when something happened. I had taken self defense and everything but all I ended up doing was yelling expletives and fumbling to call 911. I was standing in my kitchen and didn’t even grab a knife. I’m prepared now though.

As a 23-year-old girl who grew up in the suburbs where nothing bad ever really happened, it sucked. I promptly moved.

13. The Power Of Acting

The truth: I yelled “Alright, mother fucker. Let’s do this.” They bolted. Was lucky I guess.

I don’t own a gun, or any defense weapon. But I am big and was in theater so I produce a shockingly loud shout.

14. All Fun And Games Until Big Bro Shows Up

Not a burglary but someone did try to get into my house. A couple of years back, my sister and I were upstairs about to go to bed and I noticed a strange noise at the door. We realized that someone was trying to get into our house. My sister called the cops. I called my brother and he told me to stay in my room. In a couple of minutes I heard his car swerve into the driveway. I ran downstairs and looked through the peephole. I then saw my brother take the guy by his neck and belt and chuck him off the porch. Oh, and the cops never showed up either.

15. The “Fuck Den”

Had just moved my stuff into my new ground level apartment and crashed on the couch. Hardly anything had even made it into the bedroom. That first night I heard voices, then a knife click, then my screens being cut. My nunchucks were right where I could get at them so I started into the bedroom.

The window opened and I saw two legs slide in, bam bam bam I beat the fuck out of the back of those legs. I had a free and clear shot and I wailed on them. I got shots on both legs. Not something that would fuck someone up, but they weren’t going anywhere. I let him go out the window and raced around the front to confront him.

It turned out to be two teenagers that had been using the empty apartment as their fuck den. The guy was crying, the girl had to help him walk and they were terrified. I didn’t do anything, they weren’t going to do it again.

16. A Close Call

About three years ago I was staying at my grandmother’s house and sleeping in the living room. I heard someone fucking with the front door and went to the basement to grab my shotgun (I’ve been shooting since I was 8 and know how to use it). I load four shells and wait behind the kitchen wall. The door opens and I swing around the wall and point the gun right at him.

It was my cousin from NC who was coming down for the weekend (something my brother failed to tell me). Funniest part was he just walked past and said “Quit fuckin’ around.”

17. He Picked The Wrong Ladies To Mess With

Home alone one night I was sitting on the couch. around 11pm and my 10 month old Boxer went to the back door flipping out assuming she had to go potty I let her out. To my surprise she went out barking and growling. I ran in and grabbed my bat to go and see what was going on. By the time I got outside she was hanging from a guys shirt while he was half way over our fence. He was punching her trying to get her to let him go. I went out there screaming telling him to go the fuck away.

He then tells me he knows I’m home alone and will rape me if I don’t shut the fuck up. By then my dog had let go and was trying to get to his throat. After he jumped down on the opposite side of the fence he kept saying things like ill rape you. Being a female and working three years in a ER where I’m threatened everyday I was sick of hearing this threat so I opened my fence and let out my Boxer. Her and I beat the crap out of the scum bag till the cops arrived ( people heard his screams) he wasn’t hurt bad my dog mainly held him down.

18. “Who’s Out There?!”

My brother had just left with his friend so I was home alone at around 7:30 pm. I’ve sitting in my bed with my dog when the lights go out in my house. I’m thinking my city just experienced a power outage so I leave my room and start walking around the living room.

After about 3 mins of using the flashlight app in my house I head back into my room with my dog and lock the door. So I’m in my room watching a YouTube video when I hear something break. Normally I never thought someone would try to break into my house so I said the wind probably blew something over.

Now my dog is snarling and I shush her when I see some lights going under my door. Someone tries to open it but luckily I had it locked. While they go into another room I sneak up to my door and place my ear next to it. I hear a voice saying, “Grab the laptop.” I’m freaking out but still I have doubt that someone would break into my house. I was thinking my brother came back with a friend and were looking for stuff so I yelled, “Who’s out there?!” No response so I said it again, “Who’s out there?!” When I didn’t get a response that time I just yelled, “Get out of my house! I’m calling the police!” I call and the police arrive maybe 3 min after.

The front door was broken into. The robbers took a stack of quarters and a camera. What scared me the most wasn’t the experience but what my mom said afterwards. She said thank god the robbers weren’t professionals or they might’ve broken into my room to shut me up. I had nightmares for a couple of days just thinking what if they tried to break into my room.

The whole experience was frightening but if anything I’m glad it happened to me instead of one of my cousins.

19. Mom And The Dogs

When I was 5 years old, my dad was out of town on a business trip. I was sent to bed around 8 or so, then I vaguely remember my cousin waking me up at 10:30 or so and telling me that I needed to go to the office for a while. My initial excitement at being awake this late into the night quickly faded and as boredom set in, I fell asleep and woke up the next morning, when I was promptly informed of what happened the night before.

My mother was just getting ready to go to sleep, and was closing up the front of the house. Suddenly she heard a crash as the sliding glass door to the master bedroom was shattered. She immediately stormed to the back of the house, our cavalier King Charles Spaniels yipping furiously at her heels. When she reached the bedroom she started screaming that she had a shotgun and was going to blow their motherfucking heads off if they didn’t get the fuck out of her house right now. They fled, with one of the three getting caught later on in the night.

20. Burglar Meets Sword

I was living in Las Vegas at the time and I have always a night person. I was asleep in my bed when i heard banging at my door around 10am. I was still really tired, but decided to just go see who the hell was beating at my door. (I assumed it was my friend being a dick) When I go to look out the peep hole, I saw no one there. Pissed off that i just imagined someone beating at my door, i went back to my bed. Three min later I hear someone messing with my window. Confused, thinking it was probably maintenance fixing something, I slightly opened a slat of my vertical blinds to see what was going on. I see a man walking away with my window screen. Still a little confused i sat back on my bed, but suddenly realized I never received a notice of work, nor asked for any.

By this time the guy (Mr. Burglar) came back and i heard what sounded like him trying to pry my window open. I kept a decorative sword by my bed, so I grabbed it, unsheathed it and braced my back against the wall next to the window remaining out of sight from Mr. Burglar. He popped my window open and took his hands to slowly open a view from my blinds. Adrenaline had begun to pump into my veins like nitrous to a car. I raised my sword and blindly stabbed it out the window. Missed his eye by an inch. Mr. Burglar fell back into the bush under my window allowing my to swing again. It landed, but being a decoration, it just merely cut his jacket. He got up and ran like the wind as I yelled at the top of my lungs “GTFO OF MY HOUSE”.

After 10 min of cooling down, I call the police. Operator asked why I waited so long to call. I told her i couldn’t find my phone. Police showed up, asked questions, and the asked if I thought about being a cop.

21. Nearly Abducted

I was very young, 3 years old, my older brother was 14. My mom and dad slept upstairs. A burglar (my nanny’s brother) broke into the house at night through my brother’s open window and he screamed. The robber got him in a choke hold and held a knife to his throat. When he took my brother into the hallway he looked up to see my fat, British, naked father standing on the other side with a .357 magnum trained on his head. The robber made it out of the house alive and my father didn’t take the shot as he ran away from the house, as that is illegal here in California. My brother, who is now 36, still sleeps with a night light. Later it was discovered that the burglar’s intent was to abduct me because we were moving away from Los Angeles and my nanny didn’t want to let me go…

22. Text Message Teamwork

Trapped them in a room and called the police! (it also helped that it was a very large share house with housemates. We communicated our plan via text message). Interestingly, in this situation the robber had just robbed a couple houses on the street so the police were on the street… with dogs and were at my house in about 1 minute. Those puppies were very excited… Needless to say, he was caught.

23. Bump In The Night

My wife and I were at home when we lived in Atlanta. Our bedroom was at the back of our apartment there. There was another bedroom between the front of the apartment and our bedroom. I went to the kitchen in the front to get a diet coke, and then I heard a light bump and someone kind of whisper/gasp quietly “fuck.” I shook it off at first, but then I heard the bump again. I keep a handgun above the fridge so I got it and went in the bedroom. I saw the closet doorknob finish closing itself like someone had just let go of the other side. I walked up to it slowly and then pulled it open while stepping back. The gentlemen jumped out at me with a knife, startled I shot him the arm. He started wailing and dropped the knife and one of my watches. Ended up being my case knife he was trying to stab me wife (only about 3 inches of blade, but fuck getting stabbed you know?).

Wife woke up from the gun shot, got her to call the cops. The guy must have had pretty sensitive arms because he just rolled around on the floor and made no attempt to escape.

I have shot more people in my life than the average person should think about shooting.

24. The Pile On

Well this isn’t my story, but my friends brother was sleeping on the couch, a guy high on meth broke into their house, and was trying to steal the dvd player. It woke him up and he jumped up and started beating the shit out of him. My friend woke up and came down stairs and saw what was going on and started beating the shit out of him too. Then their dad woke up and thought they were beating the shit out of their little brother, so he started beating the shit out of my friends brother until he realized what was going on. Their mom came in and was screaming about all of the blood on the new carpet.

25. “It Was Terrible For Everyone”

It was 3am and my dad heard a sound at the front door, which then moved to the side door outside the garage. He went to check it out, thinking it was just some trouble making teens trying to mess with the car. Turns out it wasn’t. It was 2 huge men hiding around the corner when he stepped outside. They stabbed him 11 times with a screwdriver (6 times in his left arm because he was covering his heart, and 5 times just missing his kidney). They knocked him out with some firewood and ran away.

I was fortunate enough to only wake up to the sound of my dogs barking once the police arrived, but I fell right back asleep without knowing anything had happened. My sister on the other hand, heard all the screaming and saw my dad leaving in an ambulance that my mom had called.

So I guess I wasn’t really awake for it and didn’t handle it, but that’s how it went down with my dad. It messed me up pretty badly though. Weeks before the incident I had been begging for a security system for my birthday (Elizabeth Smart really scared me) and then this happened…I couldn’t stay home alone for literally years, and slept with earplugs in for months. It was terrible for everyone.

26. Alone With Two Burglars

When I was 17, my parents left me at home for a weekend (as they had done many times before). I was in the house by myself and was in bed about to fall asleep. As I was drifting off, I heard what I thought were footsteps upstairs ( my bedroom was downstairs), I passed it off as ‘house noise’ and thought nothing of it. Almost immediately after the noise, I heard it again, but this time I heard my mothers chest of drawers opening and closing and more footsteps. I got out of bed and nearly shit myself from terror. I left my bedroom, crept up the hallway – looking up the internal staircase at the time – then moved into the study next to my bedroom.

I call 000 (emergency line in Australia) and completely freaking out, yet whispering ‘There is someone in my house, they are upstairs COME NOW’ and gave them my address. I thought about what I could do now?, so I thought about making myself sound male (I’m female), big, angry and violent. So I moved to the door of the study and slammed it with everything I had. The footsteps took off to the back door upstairs, and I felt better that he had left the house. However he didn’t leave the house. I went back into my bedroom and looked out of my window to see 2 fucking faces looking back at me from the back stairs. They had obviously made the choice to run for it and away they went. It was about 3 minutes before I saw flashing lights of the police. 2 cars and with dogs – MY HEROS!!!! the dogs followed the scent of the fuckers who broke into the house and caught them. The police were amazing. I can’t speak highly enough of how wonderful the police were on that shitty night.

27. Back From A Night Of Drinking

When I was in secondary school, I came home from a night out drinking and while downing pints of water at the kitchen sink a man walked into the kitchen with a gearbag of stuff. The only thing close to me was the knife block, so I grabbed one and ran him out of the house. He got away in the end and good thing too as when I looked down, I realised I had grabbed the knife sharpener…

28. “Can I Help You?”

I use to live near the ghetto in Oceanside, CA, anyone whose been there knows why its so bad. I was real young and I was at home with my mother and older sister. It was late at night and we had all the lights off so it looked like nobody was home – we were all sitting on the couch though in the living room finishing a movie before bed. We hear the door shaking but none of us had moved or even bothered to look mainly because we had an extremely crappy door that shook every time there was a bit of wind. Finally the door swings open and theres this guy in a ski mask. He crouches and starts to crawl behind our couch. He didn’t notice me, my mom or sister sitting on the couch. We’re all just looking at him (I think I was too young back then to even know what was going on). My mom finally flicks on the lamp, looks at him and goes “um…can I help you?!?”. I think I heard him shit himself before he sprinted back out the door.

29. Mom Gets The Upper Hand

When my mom was a teenager two guys broke into our house. She was a total bad ass about it.

Coming home late from a party my mom unlocks the front door and see’s the lights on in the far hallway. Remember that she had not left those lights on when she left, and that her parents were out to dinner that night she freaked out. Before approaching the hallway my mom proceeds to then grab a giant knife from the kitchen and pursue her investigation.

These two morons didn’t even notice my mom at first, watching them look for jewelry and crap. Finally when one looks up, he jumps and shouts “WHAT THE FUCK.” His friend then reacts shouting back and then looking at my mom in a panic. Without fault my mom tells them, “Get on the couch.” The looks on their faces must have been priceless, but apparently they sprinted to the couch when she asked if she stuttered. They then waited nicely on the couch for the police to show up and arrest them. TC mark

18 Hilarious And Creepy Stories That Only Insomniacs And Night Owls Will Understand

Posted: 18 Apr 2016 05:01 PM PDT

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via Flickr – Stu

1. Mystery Juice

I was laying on my couch watching tv and glanced up and noticed a glass of orange juice sitting on a table across the room. I thought, “hmm, that’s weird, I don’t remember pouring a glass of juice”. Then “wait, I don’t even have juice. Someone is in my house and they bought a glass of juice with them!”

Then I realized it was an unlit yellow candle.

2. Sounds Reasonable

Last night I wouldn’t let my cat in my room because I was afraid that there was a huge pool of blood soaked into the carpet and I thought the way my cat was scratching at the door sounded like a demon and therefore, my cat was demonically possessed.

Both of these were random conclusions that I drew with complete certainty and seemed reasonable even after 2 more hours of not sleeping.

3. The Screech

[It was] one of those awesome spring/summer nights, I couldn’t sleep and had the windows open. I was sitting in the living room by one of the windows just enjoying the breeze and decide that it’s an absolutely lovely night, the moon is full, and I’m going to go out in the way back of my yard to my sitting spot to soak in and enjoy the evening if I’m not going to be sleeping. I took my phone with me for the flashlight.

So I’m sitting out there, listening to the breeze, night bugs and quietly burbling creek when I hear this chilling screamy screech that just sends a massive shot of adrenaline through me. I fumble my phone out and direct the flashlight in the direction of the woods. I pan it around and there is a set of eyes reflecting back at me. Thoroughly freaked out, I run back in the house.

Now I’ve lived in the middle of nowhere in the woods my whole life and I have never heard anything like that in my life. After that incident, I’d hear it from time to time in the middle of the night when we had the windows open. I dub it the soul stealer. I have no clue what this thing could be.

Fast forward to last summer. My husband and I go to his grandparents lake house. We were sitting on the deep screened in porch right as the sun was going down and we see a few deer come right up to the porch almost, a mom and two babies. We are being super quiet so we don’t scare them but something scares them anyway. Mama throws up her tail and lets loose with…you guessed it…that unholy screech. In all my rural life I’d never heard a deer noise. I didn’t even think they made noise.

4. Petting The Cat

After a few days of zero sleep.

I saw my cat sitting on top of my dresser at about 4 in the morning. I couldn’t figure out why she wouldn’t move, so I went up to her and petted her for a solid minute until my cat walked into my room.

I had been petting my folded clothes.

5. Voices And Shadows

I hadn’t slept for 2 and a half days, was finishing up one of my shifts at work and I started hearing voices and seeing things. It was beyond terrifying. Nothing like hallucinations of pictures eyes moving, seeing shadow figures stalking you while saying “he’s to tired to pay attention” and “we should take his soul now.” Ahhh the good old days.

6. Someone In The House

When my uncle was a boy, he was having trouble sleeping because it was really hot one night. He walked out of his room and into the living room. It was at this point he noticed the front door was open. Then he saw the shadow of a hand move across the wall, over the couch, clearly attached to someone lying on the couch. So my uncle shouted “There’s someone in the house!”

My grandfather leaped up from the couch and said “Where?!” Turns out it had been too hot in my grandparents’ room as well, so he had gone to lie on the couch, and opened the door to try getting some air to circulate.

7. The Visitor

I was the overnight DJ at an oldies station for a number of years. Just me, shelves full of records, and the glow of the control board. One night while I’m running down the weather, I hear a huge cracking noise in our front room. A drunk guy with a steel worker’s frame had smashed down our door and was hunting for a light switch.

“Can I… Um, excuse me… Do you need…” I stammered.

“Yeah! You! I wanna hear the Beatles!” he yelled/slurred as he found the switch. The light took the otherworldliness out of the situation, but it also brought his size into focus. He easily could knock me out in one swing, and he was mad enough to do it.

As calmly as I could make my voice: “Sergeant Pepper, or the White Album?”

“Revolver.”

He left during Eleanor Rigby, but I played both sides all the way through. That’s my creepiest moment. Sitting alone at three in the morning with all the lights on, listening to Good Day Sunshine, and staring at the door with its broken lock.

8. Even Your Clothes Will Turn On You

After a few nights [of being awake] the clothes on the dresser, coats hanging, etc begin to resemble demons, monsters, or psycho killers – to the point where they move and changes expression to unnerving smiles with wild staring eyes.

9. Demon Goat

I have hallucinations aside from my insomnia, one frequent one that’s followed me is the demon goat god. Scary as fuck, lurks in that almost pitch black spot of the room where no light seems to go. I know he’s not real but fuck if he doesn’t freak me out.

No matter what way I shift in bed, the light seems to just disappear in that area until I get too scared and turn on a light.

10. Creeping Yourself Out

Was lying there, in the night, and I thought I saw something move beside me. This had my heart racing for a few seconds and I decided that I’d listen to some music. The first song I put on had a voice saying ‘you saw me’ very lowly in the background toward the end. I had never noticed this in the song before because I had just gotten a really good pair of headphones that could pick up on it. I was actually genuinely afraid to listen to the song again the next day in case I couldn’t hear the ‘you saw me’ bit.

11. Frozen With Fear

A guy hopped over the wall in my back garden, walked straight up to my window, and stared at me for like a minute. It was obvious that he was extremely drunk. Creepiest part is that I was writing on my laptop and saw him from the corner of my eye, but I was way too freaked out to leave the room. Felt like an eternity before he wandered off.

12. People Wander Neighborhoods At Night

About a week ago, around 3 in the morning, I wandered into my kitchen.

I walk up to my sink that has a window above it. I glance up and look into my backyard and see a guy standing there, about 15 yards away. He looked to be a mid 30’s, semi balding white guy with a bright orange jacket. I mini-freaked the fuck out and slowly backed away from the window.

Luckily I left the light off, as my kitchen is fairly small and it was bright enough from the street lights outside and could maneuver around just fine, so he didn’t see me. I watched him for a good 10 minutes, my heart ready to pound out of my chest. It’s hard to describe, but he had this sort of 1,000 mile stare why’ll looking at the ground a few feet in front of him. It was really fucking weird.

Finally he started to pace back and forth, and after about 10 seconds he left and walked down my street out of site. I haven’t seen him since, but I make sure to lock all the doors and keep my pistol grip shotgun loaded near my bed.

I wouldn’t be so freaked out if it were just me in the house, but my twin sister lives with me and takes the bus to work everyday. We work different schedules, and she is home by herself more often than not.

Oddly enough, I came home from work last night around 8 during a snow storm. I park in the back (driveway loops around my house into the back) and just as I’m getting out of my car I notice foot prints leading from the street and onto my deck, and back to the street again. About an inch of snow had formed into the prints, so whoever it was had been there about an hour before I got home.

13. Gavin

One night I couldn’t sleep due to a bad reaction to prescribed pain medication. I sat up for most of the night and then at 5am there were multiple knocks at doors in our apartment complex, like someone was just going down them all. They get to my apartment and like an idiot I go downstairs to answer the door and am confronted by a dude called Gavin who seems to be sketching out and/or paranoid and looking for his friend who lives in one of the other apartments. He is super agitated and looking for his friend because he believes his friend is “harbouring” (his word) his girlfriend who has just broken up with him and moved out. He gives me all this information in short, yelled sentences and seems pissed off with me but finally leaves after about 20 minutes of me being like “dude I don’t know your girlfriend, she’s not here, it’s 5am”.

14. So Tired That The Cat Talked

I was working on a paper for college, and it was very late at night or very early in the morning. I stood there thinking for a minute, and my cat stood there staring and purring at me. Then, my cat said, “You should really go to sleep.” It turned and looked at her, my heart racing. She was just purring. I said, “Yes, kitty, I’ll go to sleep.”

15. Lullaby Music

One time over break I was staying at my mom’s house. It was about 3 in the morning and I was just laying in the guest bed in the dark. All of a sudden, I hear a few seconds of music, like children’s lullaby music. I had not left my bed for a few hours, and no one else was in the room. Needless to say, no sleep was had that night.

The next day I found out my mom had put some of my childhood toys in the closet, one of which plays music when wound up. The toys must have readjusted slightly during the night. I was just happy to find out I wasn’t imagining things.

16. Being Followed

There was a span of time about 8 years ago where I just didn’t sleep at all. I reached my breaking point when I hadn’t slept at all for over three days and started hallucinating. I clearly remember walking from my house to the center of town (about two miles away) in the middle of the night during winter. There’s a small park downtown with loads of bushes surrounding it and thought the best course of action would be to sit in those bushes and hide from two guys who had been following me for a few blocks. So I sat in the bushes and stared at these two guys who were standing at the edge of the park and were pointing at me and whispering to each other.

I finally had enough of that, got up and started running the few blocks to a pedestrian tunnel that goes underneath a rail yard (the fastest route back to my place) with these two guys running after me. When I got to the tunnel I saw two people blocking the other side, freaked out and turned around where I saw the two guys who had been following me blocking my way. I clearly recall thinking I was about to be raped and killed and made a delusional and manic call to a friend who happened to be a couple blocks away from the tunnel. He picked me up and was totally bewildered because he didn’t see anyone else in the area.

That was probably the closest I’ve ever come to going mad due to sleep deprivation and still remember the entire ordeal as if it happened last week. It’s strange because logically I know I was hallucinating, but it felt so horribly real.

17. Hyperventilating

“A little context, my backyard is accessible from the front by a rather large stretch of rocks on one side, and a rather large fence that would be noisy to climb with rocks as well. These aren’t rocks you can step on quietly. Now one night at 2am I decide to take a piss, while going about my business I heard someone hyperventilating RIGHT outside my window, like they would have to be in the room for it to be any closer. I didn’t hear any footsteps on the rocks or anything. I looked out my glass sliding door and NO ONE was there. No footsteps, no clanging on the fence or anything. I never figured out what caused the noise.”

18. Evil Mirrors

Hallucinated crazy shit with mirrors. Winking at myself, going on hour long speeches and jumping around the room but all this are reflections. One horrible night +3rd) I had my reflection step forward to me out of the mirror and fall into ground as if it were a long cliff. TC mark

I Want To Be Bored With You

Posted: 18 Apr 2016 05:00 PM PDT

Carmen Jost
Carmen Jost

This might sound weird, but I just want to sit in a room and be bored with you. I want to stare at wall-to-wall carpet with you while thinking about hair. I want to drink lukewarm Bigelow tea with you. I want to watch mediocre TV with you and have low-grade headaches with you and eat bowls of overcooked pasta with you. I want to buy store-brand wheat bread with you. I want to start a conversation about something controversial with you until both of us realize we don't know enough about it so we have to switch to talking about food. I want to trace the grain on an artificial wood tabletop while playing four-letter nouns in Bananagrams.

This will be after the not-bored years. Three vacations to hot, photogenic places. Forty Gchat reactions so strong we see the little foxes. Seven passive-aggressive car rides, fourteen unintentionally backhanded compliments, five misguided ice-outs. An afternoon when we take our career choices out of our heads and put them on the table and stab them with little sticks and forks. A fight where someone throws a spoon. One night that feels like ten, when we go to a stranger's apartment and laugh at their accent wall and stand on opposite sides of their room shouting obscure pasta shapes.

After all that — I want to be bored with you.

Not bored because of you. Bored together. We can drive a Toyota Camry to a strip mall in Jersey, park outside a Rite Aid and chew the insides of our cheeks. We can stare at a concrete column and listen to a Chili's ad. I can touch my one long eyelash and you can pull your one long eyebrow hair. We should do this when it's cloudy.

We can let go of all our affectations and all the things we say at parties. We can let go of funny and exciting and interesting and offensive and microaggressive. We can stop trying to be the versions of ourselves that will get the most dopamine, the versions that have been engineered by and for everyone around us. We can stop auto-transcribing everything that happens between us and filtering it into the Good box or the Bad box. We can stop all the overcommunicating and signaling, we can stop being semaphores for whatever we want to feel.

But we can only be bored after we've been everything else. We can only be bored after we've wanted to fuck one another and kill one another, after we've been monumentally silent and pitifully loud. After we've fallen through the canopy of clever jokes and Dimly Lit Honesty and what-do-you-think-about-this-disaster-that-happened-yesterday-in-another-city-another-country-another-another-another. After we've arrived at the gray bedrock of our relationship, which isn't fun or tormented or worth blogging about. After we've walked back and forth fifty times over the same conversational thread and made each other crazy with everything we've said and not said.

Have you ever put your lips in neutral mode and let your cheeks kind of fall into their pockets just because? Just because? Have you ever picked wax from your left ear while cirrus clouds fall apart and you breathe trace amounts of diesel fuel?

The best things are boring. The best moments are boring. They don't light up a timeline or a desktop background or a conversation, and no matter how much you try, you probably won't remember them. They are the temporal equivalent of muscle, and without them you'd get nowhere.

The best people are the boring ones, too. They are the human equivalent of marble. They bought a Yankee Candle last week but they haven't lit it yet.

So maybe if it all goes well, we can end up in the entrance to a 30-year-old Rite Aid. We'll stand underneath yellow light and look at all the Lemonheads and those little tubes full of what look like smaller M&Ms though they aren't M&Ms. We'll put our hands in our jacket pockets and walk down aisles of plastic superheroes and lawn chairs.

We can stop at the candles, open one or two, and pick the one that smells most like nothing in particular. Just a vague combination of flowers and fruit. TC mark

This post was originally published on Medium.

How Do You Move On When Your Dad Abandons You?

Posted: 18 Apr 2016 03:00 PM PDT

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Pascal Janssen

It's taken almost ten years, but I am finally learning to let go of the disappointment thousands of young girls share in – the kind that comes from a father who has abandoned them.

For years I struggled unknowingly. My inability to let go manifested in many ways that I'm only just beginning to realize.

It crept into my friendships and dragged many of them through the dirt. It lurked in the shadows of school, in my grades and in my innate desire to succeed. It took my hand in a tug of war every time I fell for a boy and won.

Never once did I think I wanted to do well to prove a point or to validate that I could live with a gaping hole inside of me. I never thought that it was me who sabotaged the many close male friendships that I formed.

I never realized I was secretly dedicating my whole life to proving I was the exception.

I AM THE RULE!

I don't know too many daughters of absent fathers who can say their lives haven't been affected. In fact, come to think of it, I don't know any. (If you are reading this and can strongly argue that your experience hasn't negatively impacted you please comment below because I would love to hear about it).

Don't read this and think just because your disappointment doesn't manifest in the same way mine does that it doesn't manifest at all. Maybe you're the opposite.

Maybe you've had four or five or ten different relationships, none of which you hold a single complaint about. If this is you, ask yourself this: Why do you jump from relationship to relationship? Is it because you're masking your fear of being alone, again? Are you trying to find a father figure in an intimate relationship?

Or, maybe you are a little like me. You've been living in this world for almost two decades and for the life of you haven't been able to find, land, hold, form – whatever you want to call it, one lasting or serious relationship. If this is you, ask yourself this: What are you expecting from a potential partner? Are you expecting too much? Are you even ready for a relationship? Do you even want one?

A huge turning point in my journey through therapy has been learning to understand that my needs (just like yours) cannot be met by any one single person. This is why we have more than one person in our life. This is why we have any combination of a Mum, Dad, Brother, Sister, Nan, Pop, dog, cat, fish, rock, friends, best friends, girlfriends, guy friends, everything.

I had to learn the hard way that we only feel disappointed when we expect too much from someone. When they don't give what we expected, or what we think we need, we make the fatal assumption that they don't care. Often it's too easy to mistake their best for "they make no effort" or "I just don't think they're as invested as I am" just because it is different to our best.

It's taken my whole life to realize that this isn't the case.

Equipped with the tools and ability to self reflect, I, just like you are, am able to put the past behind me. With a deep breath in to calm me down when a panic attack is coming, I am able to let it go. And not just metaphorically.

Through meditation and yoga I have slowly been feeling myself physically let go. With each breath out I feel lighter, my shoulders less tense. My heart feels bigger, my eyes feel wider.

I am a true believer in that everything happens for a reason and that every obstacle you face in your life has lead you to where you are today. Every heartbreak and every night you spent curled up in your bed feeling like the world was caving in on you was a tiny bump on your road to happiness.

It was not a roadblock.

Just remember, nothing is permanent and this too shall pass. TC mark

11 Things You Learn From Growing Up With Parents Who Always Had Your Back

Posted: 18 Apr 2016 02:00 PM PDT

tarcanden
tarcanden

1. Always follow my dreams.

My parents never doubted my abilities and always supported me, even when I failed. They might have reamed me out from time to time, but they only did that when it was apparent I didn't try because they knew how much I had to offer.

2. Never give up.

If one thing support from my parents taught me it is to never give up, even when the world seems like it is pushing against you with full force. Once you give up you are defeated, but there is still so much waiting for you on the other side of defeat.

3. Work hard and stay humble.

You taught me to always work hard and stay humble because you never know when everything could be taken from you. To not showcase achievements because you know where you stand and as long as you work hard good things will come.

4. There is no shame in the struggle.

Because struggle often leads to success if you stay with it. Giving up or quitting is the only time you fail. The struggle is what builds character and what makes you strong. Without struggle there is no triumph and the feeling of triumph is all worth it.

5. How to be selfless.

You two were the most selfless people in my world, which in helped teach me how to be selfless watching you. You sacrificed so much for our family and I know I will never be able to thank you enough or repay you, but know that because of your selflessness it has in turn helped guide me to be a better person.

6. Honesty is key.

I've tried lying, just like every other kid, sometimes I got it away with it and other times I haven't. But you taught me that it's much better to tell the truth than to make up a lie. The repercussions of lying are more likely to back fire and hurt someone.

7. Always express gratitude.

You both taught me to be thankful for everything in my life. To say I wasn't privileged would be a lie; to say I wasn't thankful for my life would also be a lie. I was in no way spoiled, I didn't get everything I wanted, I didn't get things just because I asked, but I had parents who would willingly drive me where I needed, pay for sports tournaments I wanted to participate in and give me $10 if I asked to go out to eat. I know how lucky I am and not expressing my gratitude would be an awful mistake.

8. Forgive others.

You taught me to forgive others, even when they don't deserve it sometimes because we all do and say things we don't mean from time to time. But forgiving someone helps lift a weight off your shoulders and in turn makes for a better life.

9. Learn from others.

Never think you're above someone because if your glass is already full then no one else can pour anything into it. In other words, never think you're too good to learn from anyone else because an attitude like that doesn't allow for personal growth, which will only harm you in the end.

10. Take pride in your work.

This is important, if you aren't proud of your own work how do you except others to be proud of it? My parents have shown incredible support for my work and my dreams, which in turn makes me proud.

11. Be generous.

It is so important to be generous because you never know how much someone is struggling and could use a hand. Sometimes all it takes is a little extra generosity and love to show someone that they are not alone and that you are there for them in times of need. A little support goes a long way, you both taught me that. TC mark