Thought Catalog


I Like It Best When It’s Just You And Me

Posted: 24 Apr 2016 08:00 PM PDT

Milly Cope
Milly Cope

I always get nervous in large crowds. They are the only times I’ve experienced panic attacks. My heart beat accelerates and I can feel the sweat start to collect at the nape of my neck. Something about my body doesn’t like when there are too many others surrounding it. It doesn’t feel very safe; it doesn’t feel like I can let myself relax.

When I think of you, the word home escapes from my mouth with an ease that almost frightens me. I can’t even help it. I look at you and see a string of twinkly lights outside my childhood house. I look at you and see four walls that will always keep me protected.

I’ve heard people say home isn’t so much a place as it is a feeling. I don’t think I fully understood that before you. I didn’t understand how a person could become a place. But then, there you were. And I’ve found the spot I never want to leave.

I still don’t like crowds, but I can manage when you’re there with me. Everything else just fades away. I’m at home wherever we go, so long as you are near.

I like the world best when it’s just you and me. I like how effortlessly we switch between hearty laughs and comfortable silence. I like how you wrap me up in your lanky arms and hum songs I can never quite name.

I like the world best when it’s just you and me. We never need to put on airs or pretend to be something we’re not. Sometimes, I snort when I laugh. Sometimes, you let the dishes pile up. I like how our imperfections seem to fit, in the most imperfect way.

I like the world best when it’s just you and me. I like how you know I cry at stupid things and you know I don’t run away when situations get tough. I hold your hand when you’re too afraid to ask me to.

I like the world when it is soft and gentle, and so often, our world is not. I like the world when it is forgiving and loving, and so often, our world is not.

I like the world best when it’s just you and me. Because together, we create the kind of world I want to live in. The kind of world I am happy to wake up to. TC mark

8 Real, Absolutely Terrifying Murders We’re Still Obsessed With

Posted: 24 Apr 2016 07:00 PM PDT

YouTube
YouTube

Why does one kill? That's a question we ask ourselves. Whenever we turn on the news or read our newsfeed, there's always a newly-found body or the story of some person gone missing. Some things in life we'll never truly understand, and as you read this you can't help but feel the pain that all these people felt on the night they were murdered.

Death is what we fear, but to some people, it's their drug. To murder is to feel, and to feel is to live, one might say. Here are eight crimes that we're all still obsessing over all these years later.

1. The Fallen Beauty Queen.

YouTube
YouTube

This six-year-old American girl had a bright future ahead of her. Her big blonde hair and beaming smile won everyone over. JonBenét Ramsey was a star in the making.

Sadly, someone had other plans for this young beauty queen. On December, 25, 1996 JonBenét Ramsey made headlines as the young girl from Boulder, Colorado who went missing. Eight hours after the family called 911, Ramsey's father and two of his friends started their search around the house.

After searching the bathroom and the wine cellar, the last place to look was the basement. There she was.

JonBenét's body was lying on the floor covered in her special white blanket. There was a nylon cord around her neck; her hands were tied above her head, her mouth covered with duct tape. She was struck in the head and strangled to death. You could only imagine the terror she must have felt in her last moments alive. This case is still unsolved and the killer is still out there.

View the full set of autopsy photos: HERE.


2. The Manson Family Murders.

YouTube
YouTube

In Los Angeles, the summer of '69 should have been filled with peace and love but instead was drenched in fear and terror. Between August 8-9, cult leader Charles Manson commanded a few members of his group, known as The Manson Family, to murder people in a home not far from the streets of Hollywood.

The family made their way into the property of 10050 Cielo Drive where director Roman Polanski who was away filming lived. The Manson Family, Tex Watson, Susan Atkins, and Patricia Krenwinkel made their way into the home, while Linda Kasabian was their lookout. 18-year-old Steven Earl Parent was driving his father's 1966 white AMC Rambler. As Steven was driving down the parking area, he rolled down his window to push the button to open the electronic gate. There, Steven was met by the Manson family.

Tex shouted "Halt!" to Steven, with a .22 revolver in one hand and a knife in the other. Tex shot Steven four times killing him. That was just the start of the murders that took place that night. Once inside the home the Manson family found actress Sharon Tate who was eight months pregnant and married to Roman Polanski. Also in the home were friends of Tate's, writer Wojciech Frykowski, coffee heiress Abigail Folger and celebrity hairstylist Jay Sebring.

Everyone in the home was stabbed over and over leaving blood all over the home. The Manson family tied rope around Sharon Tate's neck and stabbed her to death. The victims were screaming and begging for their lives, but it was pointless. There was no remorse; God couldn't help any of the victims that night. Sharon Tate at one point begged and cried for them to save her unborn child. Abigail made a run for it as they stabbed her, but she didn't make it far. Her body was found in the back of the house. The photos of this crime are not for everyone. When you see them it's as if you could feel the pain and see the horror that all five victims lived that night.

View the full set of autopsy photos: HERE.


3. The Black Dahlia.

YouTube
YouTube

In the mid-1940s, Elizabeth Short, also known as The Black Dahlia, was living in Los Angeles. She worked as a waitress to support herself while fighting to catch her big break as an actress. That day never came.

On January 1947, a horrific tragedy occurred: At the age of 22, Short was brutally murdered; her body cut in half and severely mutilated. Her nude body was found on January 15, 1947 in a vacant lot near Leimert Park. Short’s killer had drained her corpse of blood and scrubbed it clean. This was like something out of a horror movie.

View the full set of crime scene photos: HERE.


4. The Mother From Hell.

YouTube
YouTube

June 20, 2001 forever changed the Yates family. Andrea Yates husband left for work that morning not thinking what his wife would do next. Suffering from postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis, Andrea one-by-one drowned all five of her children in their bathtub, Noah, Luke, Mary, Paul and John. In 2006, Andrea was found not guilty by reason of insanity.

Read more: HERE.


5. The Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

.

YouTube
YouTube

Not all love stories end well, it didn't for Travis Alexander, a salesman from Arizona. On June 4, 2008 Travis was stabbed and shot to death by his ex-girlfriend, Jodi Arias. But not before taking one last photo of him in the shower. Moments after the photo was taken Travis was murdered. His body was found by his friends in his shower. Travis had 27 to 29 stab wounds, his throat was slit open and he had a gunshot wound to his head. Jodi was convicted of first-degree murder and sentenced to life in prison.

Read more: HERE.


6. The Death Of An Actor.

YouTube
YouTube

Actor and funnyman, Phil Hartman was murdered in the early morning of May 28, 1998 by his wife. After returning from dinner, the two got into a heated argument about her use of drugs. Phil threatened to leave his wife if she started using again.

After heading to bed that night, his wife entered the bedroom at 2:30 a.m., with a .38 caliber handgun, and intoxicated and coked out, shot him once in the head and twice in the side. After calling 911 at 6:20a.m., she locked herself in the bedroom and committed suicide by shooting herself in the mouth.


7. The Brentwood Double Murder.

YouTube
YouTube

Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman were both stabbed and murdered outside her condo in Brentwood in Los Angeles on June, 12, 1994. Ron, who was a waiter at Mezzaluna located in the Brentwood area was just getting off work and was headed to Nicole's house to return a pair of glasses that she had left at Mezzaluna earlier that day. That would be the last time anyone would see him alive again.

Nicole was stabbed multiple times in the head and neck as well as Ron. Their bodies were found only feet away from each other.

View the full set of crime scene photos: HERE.


8. The Murder Of An Icon.

YouTube
YouTube

On July, 5, 1997 Italian fashion designer Gianni Versace was shot and murdered on the steps of his South Beach mansion by serial killer Andrew Cunanan. Andrew fled the scene after shooting Versace twin in the head. Andrew was found days later, dead from a self-inflicted gunshot. The world of fashion took Versace's death hard. Princess Diana, Madonna, Tina Turner and Elton John attended several memorial services in his honor. TC mark

26 Men Share The Secrets That Transform A Woman Into A Sex Goddess

Posted: 24 Apr 2016 06:30 PM PDT

via Twenty20/A_Nikon_Girl
via Twenty20/A_Nikon_Girl

1. Just Show You Want To Be There

The best thing a girl can be in bed is enthusiastic, like it’s turning her on to be with me, as much as it’s turning me on to be with her.

That’s really 90% of it right there.

2. She Should Want It, Even Need It

Communication. Tell me what you like. Again, if you are not having a good time I’m not having a good time.

Availability. Fuck me anywhere anytime. So hot.

Don’t treat sex as a reward. Sex isn’t a currency and you are not the federal reserve.

3. Sex Is No Time To Be Shy

Specific kink compatibility aside, enthusiasm tops the list. She’s good in bed if she knows what she enjoys, communicates it adequately, and is generally shameless.

I know it isn’t popular to say this but sex is no time to be shy or demure.

4. Enjoy Yourself

Just relax and enjoy yourselves, ladies… If you enjoy giving blowjobs then you’ll be good at it. If you enjoy the act of sex, you’ll be good at it. What gives you pleasure gives us pleasure so make yourself feel good and relax, there’s nothing sexier than a girl who’s genuinely enjoying herself.

5. Men Have Preferences Too

  • Enthusiasm

  • Dirty talk. Even if you’re just saying what I’m doing to you right now, it’s okay. “Fuck me hard!” or “Suck on my tits!” I’m happy

  • Moving. Some girls just lay there…why? I know this is probably absurd to think, but when I’m banging a girl and she just lays there, I’m thinking “if this works out, are you going to also expect me to do everything in our relationship?”

  • Blowjobs longer than a few seconds. Blowjobs aren’t just an appetizer, they can be one of the main courses. If you don’t want me to cum yet, fine, but a 10 second blowjob before “put it in me” doesn’t constitute a blowjob

  • Cleanliness, like you expected to get fucked tonight. If you think that either one of us is going to have an amazing time after we went hiking all day and you pissed behind a bush and we both were sweating our asses off, you’re gonna have a bad time

  • I really like being touched too. My back. My stomach. My legs. My cock. My butt. Why do the sheets and the mattress get all the fun?

  • Touch yourself, but not too much, and not 5 seconds into us fucking. If I’m not doing it for you, then let me know how I can fix it. I’m not offended by you touching yourself, or even if you use a massive dildo as a toy. Use them if you please. Just don’t rely on them while I sit here and wonder about my abilities.

  • Overstimulation. I know that jerking a guy off is kind of bland, and I know you know it, but doing the thumb thing over my head all the time while stroking me is just going to make everything numb.

I just don’t get why there exist people who like sex, but prefer to have this vanilla, plain, very specific version. What I listed isn’t hard and fast – they’re just things I like for girls to do that turn me on. If you lack the enthusiasm, are completely quiet, lay there still, half ass everything else, well…I can get a fleshlight for $99 and not have to take it out to dinner, you know?

6. Sincerity

A genuine desire for exploration, and GENUINE enthusiasm for both sex and intimacy (not in that order). Let’s get to know each other, which obviously also involves candid, mature communication. THAT’s fun and rewarding. Not far behind those, and somewhat related to exploration, is a lack of boundaries. Interested in everything and willing to try anything.

7. The Act Of Sex Should Never Be An ‘Act’

Sex is not an “act” it is sharing intimacy. So. Sex is good as both partners are “in sync” the sex is good. You can make or break sex if you are “out of sync”. Sometimes it takes an effort to synchronize. Loads of comments are about enthusiasm. Sure, but how about taking it slow? Being gentle is worth something also. So (try to) pick up on what the other needs and communicate what you (think) you need. If you just lay there, and that is your thing, communicate that the other has to do the work. Or where your “on” button is. Talking dirty? Sure, but maybe your partner does not like a foul mouth but DOES like to know if he is pushing the right buttons or needs clear directions to where those buttons are. “Oh Honey, this is soo good. Don’t stop” or “Lick there, no.. lower, use a finger. YES THERE!” It does not always have to be ” Oh yeah violate me hard in my most sensitive place with your giant sausage.”

8. Dead Simple

Rhythm

9. It Takes Two To Get It Right

A sense of her own body, knowledge of her own orgasm, and familiarity with her own clitoris and vulva from having done sufficient self-exploration don’t hurt, either.

Women who just lay there like cold fish or dead fish or starfish aren’t really getting into the spirit of things and are unsatisfying as far as sexual partners go, certainly, but it’s generally a fairly even division of labor in the bedroom if things are going right.

In most positions during even vanilla sex, both parties should be thrusting to some extent, for example.

10. Show Him What A Goddess You Are

Honestly, there is so much a women could do to be ‘good’ in bed. A lot of it has to do with her interaction with her lover. Here is a list of things that I find make a great lover:

Eye contact, moans or groans, movement! Be proactive! If something feels good push or move with it! Don’t be afraid to take charge!

Most of the time the guy has to have the courage to talk to you, don’t be afraid to award him.

Smell (yes the scent of a women can drive guys over the edge)

Enthusiasm!! Don’t be afraid to say when something feels great. It helps the guy understand what works for you.

Be sexy! The guy obviously likes you, show him what kind of goddess you are.

11. Embrace The Moment

To me, being enthusiastic means not just looking forward to the sex but actively embracing all the parts of it. The funny noises, the tastes, the mess we make.

Engaging sexual partners are communicative, know what they want and either communicate it during the act or (if shy) find ways to let you know beforehand. They listen to what you want too, and are prepared to engage in some dialogue about what works for both of you to make sure you both enjoy it.

12. A Great Point

69 while standing up while deepthroating…

Seriously, there is no linear scale to something so subjective. If you have a good time and so does your partner, then both of you will walk away thinking you’re good at sex. Some girls who initially just lie there silently are in fact awesome at sex – you just need to take control. You might be surprised how enthusiastically they follow orders.

13. The Intimacy Of Touching

I would definitely say touching. I love being touched on my body, and some girls that I’ve had sex with do not do this which is kind of stupid IMO. I touch a lot when I have sex, so I don’t see why they can’t do it too. good sex can be a few things honestly. It’s nice to have a lot of foreplay, to get into a good mood and to have very sensual sex. It can be very emotional, and it feels fantastic to go slow and then speed up like that. But I’ve also had amazing sex with absolutely no foreplay other than me just getting hard cause she brushed my dick with her hand in bed or something, and both of us just look at each other and just take off our clothes and start fucking right then and there.

I guess overall, the touching is great, her being super enthusiastic, loving what she’s doing, making noises, switches positions, me being in control, then flipping and her being in control. Pretty much the opposite of bad sex. Bad sex is someone who is quite, star fishes pretty hard and is just laying there. At the end of the day, good sex is with someone who is there not only to get off themselves but to help you get off.

14. Make Him Feel Like A King Afterward

Does Enthusiasm and confidence REALLY sound like the best a woman can do? I cannot speak for everyone, but I think there are better options than just her state of mind. We should be talking about skill here.

Most important thing of all is oral ability because it tells you immediately how much effort she puts into pleasing her partner. Can she only put the head in her mouth? Will she even suck your dick at all? A woman that engulfs the entire penis is SERIOUS about her ability. Even if it is only intermittent, that not only shows that she’s had practice, but that she is willing to put effort into pleasing her partner in areas other than oral. It’s like getting an amazing appetizer before the main course, you know damn well the chef can cook.

Participation & touching goes a long way. A lot of men do not fuck good sexual partners and they think porn = good. Moaning and talking like a slut does not make you sexually amazing in the same way that grunting and trash talk doesn’t make a man a wrestler. It is what you do, not what you say. The best women I’ve experienced are able to physically communicate what they are feeling (grabbing tightly when they feel a shudder, pulling against her man’s hips when she wants more, scratching when they’re close to orgasm, etc.) This is probably the enthusiasm others are trying to communicate, but it’s that active participation that lets the guy know he’s not just doing 100% of the work into a bored hole.

We all know that the man does the vast majority of the work during sex most (not always, but most) of the time. That is just how we are biologically different and it is true in almost all species. Most guys are a big puddle of aching sweat after sex and will often go beyond the comfortable limits of their body while they are riding on so many endorphins. The modern attitude is for the man to think that sex isn’t just over because he came but his body is screaming at him to rest. A woman that understands this is incredible and can do anything from give him a massage or simply stroke his chest afterwards, aiding in that relaxation goes a long way. A good policy is to spoil her before and spoil him after. A guy wants to feel like a king after he’s had sex, rewarding him for what he did (especially if he did well) will be a big deal to him mentally.

Or just lay there with a fake smile and pretend to be confident and enthusiastic I guess. One takes considerably more effort than the other.

15. Don’t Forget To Use Your Hips

I don’t require this of every lady I sleep with, it’s just a description of what’s made sex great for me. Don’t worry, I know men should be doing a lot too!

Moaning in bed is extremely important, while some moans are bad almost all are good, and a great indication of approval.

I love a girl who can ride well, but when I say ride I don’t mean to grind on top like a strange break dancer. I know that really helps a girl get off, but it doesn’t feel like a lot’s going on when a woman does that. A girl is best on top when she uses the full motion of her hips or ass up and down.

Enthusiasm is certainly key! I slept with a girl once who made no noise and provided nothing to our night. On the other hand Ive had a few girls who were just crazy and seemed almost overly excited that I was having sex with them.

I know it’s not sex but holy shit…getting a great blowjob is mind changing. If there can be a break between fucking for a pleasurable blowjob you know your man will be happy.

16. If She Teaches You Something

What she says, how she says it, if/how she takes control, how open-minded she is, how flexible she is, and if she teaches you something you’ve never considered or seen before she automatically goes to the top 3.

17. If She’s The One Changing Positions

If she’s just laying there, and expects me to do all the work, it’s not going to be fun for either of us. But if we’re rolling around, and she’s the one changing positions, I know it’ll be a good time.

18. Get What You Want, No Faking!

Fake enthusiasm might be slightly better than being a dead fish, but both are still awful.

19. Real Encouragement

Keep touching me, play with my hair, bite my neck, whisper dirty things in my ear, grab my ass, make me feel like you want me to fuck you.

20. Men Can Tell If You Aren’t Into It

There are general categories that I’d call good and bad.

Good:

  • Genuinely caring whether I have a good time
  • Feedback (this really varies, and I’m not saying it’s necessary, but it’s always appreciated)
  • Don’t be afraid to have a good time yourself. Yes, you can have boundaries, but if you are tense and closed off the whole time, I can’t enjoy myself either.

Bad:

  • Doesn’t really participate
  • Wears the same expression the whole time (essentially not showing me at all whether she’s anywhere near having a good time)
  • Too serious or businesslike. It’s okay if neither of us get there in a timely fashion. If you don’t enjoy the journey, the destination’s gonna be pretty shit, too.

21. Ouch. Harsh Much?

I honestly think there are a lot of girls who think having a vagina and saying “yes” makes them good in bed.

22. Put Your Nails To Work

To elaborate on “not just laying there”: when a girl is on top I usually move my hips in relation to hers to make the movement a little better/faster. When a girl does the same thing when I’m on top it’s pretty amazing and sexy. Along with wrapping her legs around me or scratching me back. I love when they scratch my back. And then I pretend to want to hide the scratches.

23. Don’t Ignore Your Hangups, Address Them

The hottest girl I ever smushed refused to let me do anything to her. It was weird. She went down on me, climbed on me, bent me, and other crazy shit, and she was really into it. But she wouldn’t let me grope her or go down on her, and bizarrely that hindered the experience for me.

I was just trying to be generous. I’m great at being generous. Let me be generous. I have a big heart (my doctor says dangerously so).

24. Ignore Your Inner Hater

Confidence. Like….girls feel a lot of pressure and feel that they won’t satisfy in various regards. That makes them less deliberate, creative, and into the moment.

25. Poor Guy

A girl that can actually give a handjob. You DO NOT pull the foreskin all the way down to the base of the shaft. Had to get my frenulum reattached because of this. Holy shit that was scary.

26. One Basic Principle

I go by one basic principle:

Is she trying to get me off as much as I’m trying to get her off?

I have an ego, and like my junk, it doubles in size during sex. It’s not enough that I’ve convinced you to get naked, blow me a bit, and let me stick it in. I need you to want to prove your prowess to me.

I’m watching your facial expressions, body movements, breathing patterns, & making adjustments so you can cum like crazy.

If your putting in the same effort by grinding, moaning, grabbing, etc., everyone I know will know I got laid the next day without me even telling them. TC mark

10 Truths About Living With A Significant Other

Posted: 24 Apr 2016 06:00 PM PDT

Twenty20.com nikmock
Twenty20.com nikmock

I'll give it to you straight: living together is hard work and life gets weird.

Here are my ten truths about living with a significant other.


1. Farting happens.

A lot. For those girls who are petrified of having bodily functions in front of their boyfriends, don't ever move in with them. It is unavoidable and yes, it completely robs a person of all mystery. The bathroom door will remain open more often than it probably should and you will hear things you don't want to. It's just what happens when you're in the same living quarters with someone. Get over it.


2. "Maintenance" sex (as we call it in our house) is a real thing.

It happens on those nights where both parties are tired and yet excited all in the same moment. It's not the most mind-blowing, but it gets the job done with minimal effort and then the sleep is so sweet after it. I feel I should mention that neither party is ever offended by maintenance sex. It's always exactly what you need at that point in time. With that, let me just add that in my experience, sex only fades if you let it. As your intimacy changes, like in any relationship (living together or not), sex will be put on the back burner at times. But overall, even with lulls, as long as the passion remains, you'll have sex.


3. There are going to be really, really boring days in your life.

Unfortunately, the honeymoon phase of living together doesn't last forever and a Thursday night after work will consist of dinner, television, and sleep. THIS IS OKAY. Don't put pressure on yourselves to make your life together perfect every day. That's not realistic and it's also impossible. Eventually, you'd run out of things to do and be really, really drained.


4. Romance can fade extremely fast.

You have to put major effort into romancing someone whom you see every day. And trust me, there are way more days of, "Oh, I can just do it tomorrow" then there are of, "Oh, I just love him so much, I can't wait!" It's kind of sad, but true. You just have to be creative with your romance and understand that it changes over time. I mean, you'll be shocked at how excited you get when he brings home take-out because he knew neither of you wanted to cook tonight. It's the little things.


5. Finances need to be discussed openly, honestly, and constantly.

Money is one of the biggest factors in divorces. If you make money and he makes money, then your money is yours and his money is his. You aren't married yet, so keep it separate and have a place where you can put money together for vacations, going out, etc. Even though it's your significant other, it shouldn't be any different than a roommate situation yet. If you weren't dating, you'd expect that from each other.


6. Respect one another.

Otherwise, living together doesn't work. You have to respect that this a different human being than you and that you may live in different ways. This is another person's home too, not just yours. Therefore, your sanitation habits may need review. Shower daily, shave your stupid legs, clean up your beard trimmings, and just do the damn dishes when you are done with them. The world will remain at peace with zero resentment or disgust.


7. Pick and choose your battles.

The temperature in your home will always be a problem. If you're female like me, you'll probably always want it warmer and he will always want it colder. And he will probably want the fan on too (God, help me!). Just put on some fuzzy socks and a sweatshirt; your time will come. Be patient.


8. Time apart from each other will be necessary.

Living together makes it hard for anything to go unmentioned in your lives. The most exciting things you'll talk about will mainly be what happened at work since that's the only time you spend apart. "Ugh, Bill brought ANOTHER egg salad sandwich today. That's three days in a row, can you believe that!?" Having a weekend here or there with your friends or family sans partner is healthy. It gives you a fresh perspective, a little break, new stories to share, and the chance to crave your partner's attention (AKA you miss them).


9. You will laugh a lot.

One of the greatest joys of living together is the laughing. You have a partner in crime through everyday life now. That makes them a part of all your silly, ridiculous moments. You no longer have to laugh by yourself when you accidentally run into the wall or slip down the stairs. And never again will you chuckle alone when you drop the lasagna on the floor right after taking it out of the oven. Awkward moments are way funnier when you have someone you love staring at you while you do it.


10. There is no way to prepare you for it.

This is the biggest truth about living together. There is no right or wrong way to do it, either. You have to determine what works for you as a couple, which takes time and practice. So give yourselves that. One bad day doesn't determine a bad life. There will be highs and lows, but mainly a lot of mediocre days. Still, choose to enjoy those days. It means you guys are making it work. TC mark

My Friend Came To Visit My Family But I Don’t Think Mama Will Ever Let Her Leave

Posted: 24 Apr 2016 05:30 PM PDT

Flickr, RebeccaVC1
Flickr, RebeccaVC1

July 12, 1989

Today is a great day! Mama said that Sandra could come stay with us for a week! I am very excited because Sandra has been sad on the phone lately. Whenever I talk to her she sounds funny, all throat-choked and stuffy like she's been crying. I think her house isn't a very happy place these days and so I decided to ask Mama if she could come here because our house is very happy, all the time! Mama smiled her beautiful smile at me, the one that makes her cheeks soft at the edges, and said yes. Sandra could come stay with us.

I called her right away and it made my heart feel warm to hear Sandra sounding happier already. She said she's never stayed out in the country before, she's used to sleeping in the city where the streetlights never turn off and there's always dogs barking or horns honking. I can't wait for her to hear the stillness at night, the sweet songs of crickets in the grass and locusts in the trees.

I bet she's never seen as many stars as I have. I will show her the constellations like Mama taught me, Virgin Mary and the Resurrection and God's Remnant.

We are going to have such fun.

July 15, 1989

Sandra is staying in my room. I cleared out a few drawers in my dresser so she could put her clothes away even though she said she didn't need them. Mama teaches us to be kind to others, to sacrifice what you have so they can have too. Sandra kept saying she didn't need a drawer, she could just use her suitcase, but I waited until she went to the bathroom and unpacked for her.

She met Mama first. Mama came out on the porch when she arrived and greeted her with a big hug. She kissed Sandra's cheek and said "We're so happy to have you here, Sandra." That was nice, but that's how Mama is, and I could tell Sandra really needed some niceness. She pretended to be embarrassed and thanked Mama very politely. Mama liked that. She prides us on our good manners.

Mama introduced Sandra to my brothers and sisters. I kept quiet because I could tell Mama wanted to make a very good impression.

First Sandra met Gloria, working away at her sewing machine with that scrunched up face she makes. Gloria is the oldest so she gets to pick her chores but I don't know why she always picks sewing. Sewing hurts my hands.

After Gloria was Jacob. He was chopping firewood in the back yard, stockpiling for when it gets cold. In the winter it gets very, very cold, and I am very happy that Jacob chops the wood for us when December comes and I'm warming my chilly fingers by the fire.

Jacob stopped chopping wood to say hello. He was all sweaty, wiping at his forehead with his knuckles and panting heavy. Sometimes Jacob works himself too hard but it's because he wants to show Mama he can step up as the man of the house. Sandra was giving him a funny look and I think it's because he wasn't wearing a shirt.

Carolyn and Marceline didn't pay Sandra much attention, but they're real shy. I told Sandra they'd warm up to her.

The first night we stayed up late late, giggling and telling each other all the stuff that's happened since we last saw each other at school. She was so happy at first but the more she talked the sadder she got. She said there's lots of fighting at her house now. Yelling, crying. One time someone threw a picture frame and there was glass everywhere. When she got up the next day it hadn't been cleared away and Sandra stepped on a shard, cutting her heel very badly. She showed me the bottom of her foot. It was an awful cut. It looked like it hurt a lot.

I hugged her for a long time and told her what was in my heart, because Mama always says we must say what is in our hearts. I told her I was glad she came.

July 17, 1989

We have been having so much fun, I've hardly had time to write! I'm so happy my friend is here.

I showed Sandra so many things. I showed her the nest of rabbits near the woodpile. I showed her how the well works and how sweet the water from it tastes. And of course I showed her the stars, like I said I would.

At first she could barely breathe. She didn't say anything. Finally, Sandra said, "It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

She's right, it really is beautiful. The sky at night is like a velvet-black bolt of cloth studded with so many diamonds you can't even count. But she's wrong about one thing: Mama is the most beautiful. It was Mama who taught me how to look at the stars and find meaning there. To see the signs as they are shown to us. One day I'll show Sandra this too.

July 19, 1989

Mama spent a lot of time on the phone today. She was talking to her friend in town with a very worried look on her face. When I asked her what was wrong she told me, not unkindly, to take Sandra outside.

We sat in the grass for a while, soaking up the sunshine and listening to birds sing as they dipped up and down in the sky like leaves in the wind. Sandra said she wasn't used to life without television and I told her that Mama said television corrupts what is pure inside us. She wrinkled her nose at me and said Mama didn't know what she was missing. That made me a little mad at her, I guess.

Sandra sighed and said if we couldn't watch television then we should at least do something fun, like go into the woods at the edge of our property to explore. Maybe we could see some animals, she said.

Right away I said no, the woods aren't allowed. The woods are forbidden. If we were playing a game, the woods would be out-of-bounds.

This made her interested. She said, "Why can't we go in the woods?"

I was careful at first. I said Mama had rules. There weren't a lot of rules but they were important to follow because Mama knew best about these sorts of things. I told her Mama is good but Mama can be hard.

Sandra said, "Like no television? And the chores?"

I said yes. Those are some of the rules. And so is not going into the woods.

But by then she was all worked up, wanting to know why, asking what would be so bad if we went into the woods. Mama had warned me about this. She said that people who don't live in our happy house might try to test boundaries because they're not used to the way things are. It was important to stay pure and not be lead astray.

So I told her the rest.

Sandra got all quiet and didn't ask about the woods again. I felt bad because she was finally starting to seem like she might be happy but I had to warn her. It was important.

When we went back inside Mama was still on the phone. I got Marceline and Carolyn to start washing the vegetables for supper because it seemed like Mama might be busy for a while. Sandra helped chop the carrots but she was quiet the whole time. Probably thinking about the woods.

I know I thought about the woods a lot at first.


I am writing this in the dark so my handwriting may be sloppy but I needed to tell someone because Sandra is asleep. A few minutes ago, I heard people talking in the living room, very quiet and whispery. The way you talk when you don’t want someone else to hear.

I thought maybe it was Carolyn and Marceline, sharing their little secrets like they sometimes do, but then I saw Jacob walk past my room. I laid my head down real quick so he wouldn't see that I saw. Then there was a tap-tap-tap on Mama's door.

I peeked again but I couldn't see from my bed. I thought about getting up and decided that was a bad idea.

Mama and Jacob talked. More quiet hush-talk. The door closed again.

Then I heard other sounds. Not so quiet this time.

I do not know what this means.

July 20, 1989

I tried to tell Sandra about Jacob and Mama but she is somewhere else in her head today. She says she's homesick. She misses her family.

Sandra is part of our family now, can't she see that? In our happy house no one is fighting or yelling or breaking glass. It's always warm and the food is good and Mama loves us so much. I bet Sandra just misses her stupid television shows.

That was unkind of me. I am sorry I wrote it, but I am using a pen and the damage is done.


A plane crashed yesterday. A lot of people died, but not all of them. Mama said her friend in town told her all about it and that it was a sign.

Sandra said sometimes bad things just happen. Mama didn't like that so much and she gave Sandra one of her hard looks.

Mama said, "There will be more signs. This is just the first of many. We will hear Him calling soon."

Maybe this is why Jacob went to Mama last night?

It is very exciting! Sandra rolled her eyes though, I can tell she doesn't believe and for that she should be more careful. If I can tell then chances are Mama already knows.

July 21, 1989

Sandra is supposed to leave tomorrow. She doesn't know that no one is coming for her yet.

July 22, 1989

I can hear Sandra crying in the bedroom. It hurts my heart but she needs to understand. This is her home now and no amount of crying will change that.

This morning she got all ready, standing on the porch with her bags, looking expectantly out at the dirt road that winds its way towards our house. I wanted to tell her not to wait, that if she waited for someone to come that she'd be waiting forever, but Mama said I couldn't. Mama said the waiting is part of the process. Her hope must be broken before we can fix her.

Around lunchtime Sandra came in, still holding her bags. She said, "When is Mama's friend coming to pick me up? I thought it was this morning."

I shrugged and tried not to look at her face.

Mama's friend in town only drops them off. She doesn't pick them up. We all know this by now.

Sandra waited on the porch until it got dark. When she came into the living room I saw that she was pale.

"Where the fuck is the driver?" she said, and Gloria covered her ears.

Mama said, "We do not speak that way in this family."

"I'm done with this hippie-dippie-bullshit," Sandra said. Gloria stood up and shooed Carolyn and Marceline into the kitchen, away from Sandra's impure words. "I'm out in the middle of nowhere and I need a ride. If your friend's not coming, call me a cab."

I was getting scared. Sometimes they are angry but Sandra was madder than I'd ever seen.

"Do you really want to go back to that?" Mama asked her gently. "To the city where you breathe in more poison than air? To the constant assault of 'buy this, buy that'? To the husband who sleeps around and blames you for your anger towards him?"

"You don't get to talk about my husband," Sandra said, and I knew then that Mama had touched a nerve.

"Things are pure here," Mama said, moving closer to her. "Things are simple. Everywhere else, you can barely hear yourself think. But here… we will hear Him calling us home as clear as a bell, and we will hear Him soon."

"I'm leaving," Sandra said.

Mama looked at Jacob. Jacob nodded and went towards Sandra. Before she could think to bolt he had his arms around her tight, lifting Sandra off her feet. She kicked and screamed but Jacob is very strong from cutting wood and he got her into my bedroom closet with not much effort at all.

When Mama saw that I was crying she pulled me to her chest, stroking my hair. She reminded me that salvation is often met with defiance.

I told her I understood but it was so hard to listen to Sandra screaming in there.


I know I shouldn't have but I was very worried about Sandra so when I was sure everyone was asleep I crept from my bed and knocked quietly on the closet door. She had been screaming for so long that when she stopped… I was very worried.

Sandra's voice was hoarse, throat-choked and stuffy like from before. From when she lived in the city with her mean-man husband. It made me so sad to hear her sound that way again.

"I thought this was a retreat," she said through the door. "You told me this was a retreat.”

"It's a retreat from the Unholy," I said, trying to make her feel better, but then she sounded angry instead of sad.

"You're out of your fucking mind," Sandra told me. That made me mad, too. She shouldn't use those words! They are impure! She should be happy to be here with Mama and me!

"You belong in there." I said it in a mean voice to hurt her because Sandra didn't understand the gift I had given. She didn't understand I had saved her from herself. From her husband who yelled all the time and probably didn't love her anymore. From the stinky air of the city, from a job she didn't like. It is pure and beautiful here and she looked at this gift and spat on it.

Spat on my kindness. On Mama's kindness.

I went back to bed and didn't unlock the door. I suppose I had thought about it but Sandra changed my mind. I mean it — she belongs in there.

August 2, 1989

Sandra is very quiet now. I have not heard her in days.

Mama is preparing our dinner. Our last dinner. Gloria will get hers first because she is the oldest and will go the quickest. Then the twins, who have to do everything together. Then me, then Mama, then Jacob. She said Jacob must be the last because he is the strongest and can handle any of us if we fight our calling home.

I have a secret. This morning, before anyone else was awake, I called my husband. I have my own mean-man husband who lives in the city but I am weak and I wanted to speak to him one last time.

When he answered the phone, he started crying.

He begged me to come home. He said our son misses me so much. He misses me so much. He had wanted me to go clear my head at this nature retreat — because that is what we are told to tell our loved ones, it's just a nature retreat — but that six months was long enough and he was worried and I should come home.

I told him I was going home. Today. We heard Him calling and when He calls, we are to go to Him. It's what Mama has spent all this time teaching us.

He tried to put Brian on the phone but I hung up. I knew if I heard my son's voice I couldn't make the righteous choice I needed to make.

I'll tell you another secret. I know there is nothing in the woods, not really. I know it's just a story to keep people from leaving on their own. The story changes depending on who you tell it to. You tell them what will scare them the most — for Sandra, it was wolves. I told her there were packs of them because I knew she was afraid of dogs after being bitten as a little girl. But Mama, she knew I would never leave her side and so she told me the truth. She told me it was my job to bring new family members and my job to keep them here but so far they have all ended up in the closet, just like Sandra.

Mama has a favorite song, you know. It's a nice one, a holy one. In it, a man with a deep voice says "Call me anything, but when He calls, call me gone." I like that song very much.

Mama is calling me. She is calling and He is calling and I have to stop writing now. I hope that our new home is as happy as this one has been.

Call me gone. TC mark

Just So You Know, You Don’t Have To Be Everything To Everyone

Posted: 24 Apr 2016 05:00 PM PDT

Thought.Is
Thought.Is

Being a good person—that's an honorable thing. Driving your drunk friends home, consoling the broken-hearted, handing your change to the homeless guy, listening to someone pour out their biggest fears, supporting the drug addict in his recovery—these things are wonderful, powerful, life-changing.

But you cannot find your worth solely in what you do for others.

As beautiful as it is to be the shoulder to cry on, the support system, the safety net for the people you care about, you need to know one very important thing: you cannot save everyone.

And you don't have to be everything to everyone.

Life is difficult. There's no denying that. And people need one another—for support, for love, for strength. And you? You are the type of person who provides that, willingly and openly. You are a blessing.

But sometimes you need to be your own blessing, too.

You cannot always put others first. Sometimes you need to take a step back and love yourself, find what you need and chase it. Sometimes you need to put others and their desires aside for a moment, and love them from a distance as you discover who you are.

You need to know that you are a wonderful person, a selfless person, and you shouldn't change that about yourself. But you also need to know that it's okay to be selfish sometimes. And it's okay if you can't be what everyone needs every second of the day.

You cannot fix the friend with the drug addiction, you cannot mend the girl with the broken heart, you cannot repair every relationship and scar and bruise. It's impossible.

It doesn't mean you can't try, that you can't love deeply and be a loving hand and heart. But it does mean that you need to let go of the idea that you can save the world, that you are the one person who needs to be everything.

It's okay to not be everything. You can't be everything.

But that doesn't make you any less of an incredible, selfless person.

It just keeps you honest, keeps you sane, keeps you from losing yourself as you try to save someone else.

You are wonderful. A person with a big heart, a patient mind, and a strong soul. You have dragged people out of their pain, pulled hearts from the deepest holes, taken dirty, broken souls and dusted them off, turned them back around.

You have saved people.

But when you reach the end of your rope, when you feel burdened and exhausted, know this—you cannot be everything to everyone. And that's okay.

You are more than enough. TC mark

To My Future Wife, This Is What I Want You To Know

Posted: 24 Apr 2016 04:30 PM PDT

Namphuong Van
Namphuong Van

If we haven't met before, then, Hi. It's a pleasure finally meeting you.

If we have, well, look how that turned out.

I'm waiting for you sitting on a white bench for two. Hoping, praying, day-dreaming that somewhere in the near future, your path leads you here, beside me, seated, too.

I never thought there was a need for you to exist. I was fine without you. I'm sure your life was great without me, too.

I never thought I'd experience being alone again. At this point in my life, I thought I'd be settled down, content, happy.

See, I'm coming fresh off an end of something that I thought had no ending. The time I spent with her gave me a false sense of permanence. We got so used to being together. We swept things under the rug because the good times still outweighed the bad. Then it was all over. I must have missed a hundred red flags because it caught me completely off guard.

Years ago, she told me to build her this white bench. I cowered. It wasn't because I was unsure (I was) or because I felt there were still a lot of fish in the sea (there weren't any, at least not for me), it was because I didn't feel I was ready.

I was afraid it would cost too much and that I would't know how to start it. I was afraid of building a white bench that would pale in comparison to others. She deserved the best and I wanted to give her the best. That was what I believed in. In hindsight, I guess that was my excuse.

I held her hands as I told her I wasn't ready yet. She nodded as tears welled up in her innocent and hopeful eyes; eyes that believed someday I would hold true to my promise. I tried to reassure her that it wasn't her, that timing was just not right.

As the years went by, we refused to talk about building that white bench. Little did she know that I was already busy laying out plans. I thought I was making our dreams come true when I finally told her I was going to do it. I was going to build her the white bench she always wanted, one where we'd sit and grow old together.

She said yes but she also told me she had to go away for a little while. She needed time for herself and I gladly gave it to her. I needed time before and she waited. I was not going to stop her from doing that, too, although a part of me really wanted to.

So I let her go and off she went to see the world. She met new people and visited new places. Early on she'd tell me she wished I was there. I was happy for her but I was also a bit sad that I wasn't beside her as she saw life in a different light. I was sad that we did not get to marvel at new things together while holding each others' hands.

Then it all started to change. Slowly, she eased me out of her life. It was about these new cool people she met and this crazy adventure they had. Everything she had here with me was boring and ordinary. Everything she had there was fresh and exciting. While I tried to reel her back by reminding her of our good times, she moved farther away from me.

I was her universe now I was just another person who lived in the same one as hers.

When she came back, I thought everything would just magically fall into place. The white bench was almost ready. My hands are a bit rougher but I made it work as I promised. I thought it was just a stage she had to go through. Her last run of fun before sitting down beside me for eternity.

"I can't sit on this bench with you," she told me with a blank stare in her eyes; the hope all gone.

I tried to make it perfect for her. I learned how she wanted it built, adjusted so it could fit her better, but she wouldn't even give it a try. It was the perfect white bench. The problem was the one who'd sit beside her. The problem was me.

She wanted to be free, not to sit there with me.

She wanted to dance in the rain without worrying about tomorrow. She wanted to immerse herself in different places and cultures and people and all I did was hold her back.

But enough about me. Please tell me your story. Tell me about the love you found and the love you lost. Tell me what he did to make you blush and how he made you cry. Tell me about your dreams and your fears. Tell me about your day, about your first kiss.

Show me your scars; the ones you endured on the path that led you to me. Point to each one and tell me its story.

Show me your wounded hands, the ones you used to pick up your broken pieces. Tell me how deep the cuts were so I can marvel at your strength.

There's no need to hide anything from me. Like you, I was broken, too. But even the broken could be whole again.

Whatever pain we felt did't change who we are. It's why I believe that someday I'll find you and treat you the way you want to be treated; love you the way you want to be loved. That we'll both find happiness we never knew existed.

So wherever you are, whoever you might be, know that I'm sitting here on my white bench for two, waiting for the strength to tear it all down so I could build a new one for you.  TC mark

I Will Never Be The Girl Who Cannot Trust

Posted: 24 Apr 2016 04:00 PM PDT

Mike Monaghan
Mike Monaghan

The trouble with choosing to trust someone is it’s like having blind faith. You do it even when common sense is screaming at you not to. You put yourself out there, your head & heart firmly on the chopping block, hoping on all hopes that they’re doing the same. That they get it. And they’ll be careful with you and your soul. Because that's what you would do. That's what you've always done.

You are the girl who chooses to trust.

But you forget that you are lovely. Sometimes they won’t be.

Sometimes you will be with someone who can’t even begin to understand the fallout of their actions, or someone who just selfishly doesn’t want to even try. Some people will always be takers, stealing from you silently in the night, while giving nothing true in return.

People disappear. They ghost. They cause pain. They cheat. They leave suddenly, and tragically. And sometimes, they just leave.

Label me an eternal optimist, but I don't believe anybody intentionally sets out to hurt anyone. I think that we wake up each day and face our own demons, whatever shape they choose to take. We do what we believe to be our best. We try. We try to be good people. We fail. We make a mistake. We fall down. Maybe we make a few more mistakes. We struggle. We fight. We might choose to try a little harder. We get back up again. We rinse and repeat.

We know this. But it still hurts like hell when it happens. Why didn't they want to love us? Why couldn't we make them stay?

The thing is, no matter how many times you get hurt, you have to bounce back. You have to realise that they are just one person. One out of a billion others. Know that when your trust is betrayed, it’s far more a reflection on that other person, than on you and your choice to trust. There are far too many cynical people, who never managed to fully recover from their betrayal, who exist as cold shadows of their true selves; preferring to now take the easy road because it's familiar and safe, less chance of colliding with anybody.

Don't do that. That's not living.

Will it be difficult to pave your way back to the old you? Of course. We are creatures who learn by previous events, and the consequences or our actions. When we open ourselves fully to someone, only to be dumped on the curb and left in a trail of suffocating smoke, sure as hell we're going to do our best to make sure that never happens again. Ever.

But guess what? The new you will be better. You'll have another one of life's invaluable lessons under your wing. You'll be able to trust again, only this time you'll do it with a little more wisdom and care.

I can’t tell you how important it is that you don’t walk this earth as a jaded shadow of who you once were. Before. Before the worst happened. Before you felt your heart and world shatter and disperse in places so far from where you are right now, you don’t believe you’ll ever get all of those pieces back again. Don’t do that. Don’t stop being vulnerable. Don’t stop trusting people who are going to walk into your life, before they even do. Being a person who does not trust is being a person who is never fully comfortable with life, always on edge, never at peace.

You must be at peace with yourself.

I won't ever stop being the girl who chooses to trust. She is vulnerable. She is brave. She is kind. She is strong. She is resilient. She believes in good. She believes in people.

She believes in herself. TC mark

Depression: A War With Myself (But Now I’m A Warrior)

Posted: 24 Apr 2016 03:30 PM PDT

Jasminbanner
Jasmin Pierre

My name is Jasmin Pierre and I am a WARRIOR.

I fought in the heat of a serious battle. I have scars that are internal. Sometimes internal scars are even worse than physical scars. This battle lasted for seven long years and it nearly took my life. However I came, I saw, and I conquered. It was not easy in any sense. Let me tell you about a battle I fought called "Major Depressive Disorder".

Major depressive disorder is a serious mental illness. However many still do not see it as such.

If you try to tell someone who hasn't got a clue about depression, they will often times tell you…

You're just going through a rough patch. Think more positive and be strong.

Or they may tell you something like…

Don't be weak. People have it a lot worse than you.

What they really should be telling you to do is

GO. GET. HELP.

Many people still don't comprehend that depression is an illness and not just a sadness. They don't know about how you can't sleep at night. They don't understand how you can't concentrate or even function with normal day to day activities. They also don't know that depression can also cause physical stress as well. That people die from this illness every year.

If the stress from depression doesn't give them a heart attack or a stroke… they may take matters into their own hands and kill themselves. After all suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the United States (Nami).

When I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at age twenty I was in denial. I knew I wasn't myself anymore but the social stigmas of mental illness scared me. People made fun of depression. Many even deemed those who suffer with it crazy. However, I wasn't crazy. I was your average twenty year old. In college, working a part time job, looking for love in all the wrong places. Nobody knew how much I suffered.

Out of fear I refused help. I chose to keep suffering silently and alone for years until I could no longer take it. Darkness swallowed me whole. J.K. Rowling is one of my favorite book authors. If you've ever read a Harry Potter book you would know about "Dementors". Dementors basically look like the grim reaper. A demon that wants to suck the happiness and life out of everything and everyone.

In the book people who get around Dementors even describe "I felt I would never be cheerful again". This is exactly what depression feels like. This is exactly how I felt for so long. A week before my twenty sixth birthday I majorly overdosed on four prescription medications. While I should have died God decided to keep me here. I spent a week in the hospital.

At this point I was tired. Tired of suffering. Tired of being ashamed and afraid. So finally I decided to get help. I've been to therapist and have taken anti depressants in the past. However medication often times made me feel worse (even though for some people it works great).

I had to find alternative therapeutic methods to get me back or track. Such as writing and exercise. I also felt better when I talked about what was going on with me instead of keeping everything inside. That was my worst issue. I would hold everything in until I felt I would explode. That started to change.

I finally started to get my life back on track little by little… but it didn't stop there. I never wanted anyone to feel afraid or ashamed of depression. Help was the answer to recovery. So I became an advocate. I shared my story on social media. I started posting facts and statistics to prove to others how serious this Illness really is. It started to get some attention.

People started reaching out to me. One of my videos reached over forty thousand people. As of now I am starring in a documentary called "The mask that grins and lies" by Martine Granby. It's about three black women who have suffered from mental illness and are trying to live their day to day lives while combating the stigma of mental illness in society. This documentary is actually headed to the Tribeca film festival in New York this month.

I've also written a self help book that's now available on Amazon called "A Fight Worth Finishing". It's all about my experiences with major depressive disorder and suicide. Also how I finally started my road to recovery.

This is why I am a WARRIOR. A battle that tried to take my life didn't kill me as hard as it tried. I now fight for others still in the heat of the battle. A battle so many feel they will lose. However I'm here to tell them do not give up. Keep fighting because your life is worth living. TC mark

We Were Always Different

Posted: 24 Apr 2016 03:00 PM PDT

LookCatalog.com
LookCatalog.com

We were always different.

You always looked to the left and I always looked to the right and for some reason we never looked in the same direction. The things we were driven by actually drove us apart from each other and we never really tried to meet halfway.

You liked your eggs sunny side up and I liked them scrambled. You liked your coffee black and I liked it with milk. You liked red wine and I liked white wine. We never enjoyed a meal together and even when we tried, it always left a bitter taste.

You were drawn to the beat of the song and I was drawn to the lyrics. You were drawn to the popularity of it and I was drawn to the way it made me feel. Our car rides were full of awkward silences or meaningless noise. I was humming a totally different song than the one you were listening to.

We were always different.

You liked winter and staying indoors. I liked summer and chasing the sun. I wanted to go to the beach and swim deeper into the ocean, you wanted to stay by the shore — away from all the waves. I was looking for sizzling love and you were looking for comfortable companionship.

You always wanted to go the restaurants you know and love and I wanted to try every single café in the city. I wanted to be around the artists, the hipsters, the lost and confused and you wanted to be around the prominent figures, the business men, the socialites and those who seem to lead perfect lives.

I wanted to have conversations after mid-night; when the truth comes out as the words get softer, when the mask slowly comes off and the real stories unfold – the stories of pain, the stories of fear, the stories of heartbreak and the stories that made you who you are today. You wanted to sleep early and have conversations in the day light, when the words are filtered and the minds are racing and people are either trying to impress others or bring them down. We slowly ran out of things to talk about.

We were always different.

I guess we always knew we were but we still tried to change each other. We tried to mold each other to be the person we needed, we never really accepted our differences; perhaps, we never really liked our differences. I think we liked the idea that we were different and that magically our differences will collide into one another making us whole again – like we would complete each other's missing pieces.

We thought we could make something out of nothing. We thought we could exist together rather than live together. We thought that our comfort will turn into love and our routine will turn into compatibility, but we neglected the most important thing; our hearts. We neglected how our touch didn't move us, how our faces never lit up when we saw each other and how our minds never seemed to connect. We neglected how we would easily run out of things to say and how we had no idea if the other person was in pain. We neglected the parts of us that made us feel alive until they eventually died.

We were always different.

Even in the way we said goodbye. You left screaming and yelling and slamming the door and I left without saying anything I wanted to say. TC mark