Thought Catalog


16 Things People In Chronic Pain Want You To Know

Posted: 25 Apr 2016 10:00 PM PDT

Ángela Burón
Ángela Burón

1. We try really hard to look good. We often hear "you don't look sick" but the truth is that most of us try very hard to pass as normal. We rest before going out and take our pain meds at the optimal time. At times we hurt so much and are tired from trying to play healthy that we feel like laying down right then and there, but we (usually) hold it in until we get home to our beds.

2. It's not all in our heads. Just because you can't see it, it doesn't mean it isn't there. Our pursuit of healthcare is not driven by hypochondria or need for attention, it's driven by physical discomfort. What we are doing is looking for something to improve our quality of life, and sometimes the cause of our pain if it is not known.

3. We are not making a mountain out a of molehill. We are actually in more pain than you think we are in. Studies have shown that, generally speaking, people tend underestimate other people's pain. This may be because chronic pain itself is difficult to imagine, especially if you have never experienced it firsthand. Even those who have experienced similar types of pain in the past have a difficult time remembering it until they experience it again.

4. No matter how long we've been suffering for, it still hurts. Having pain for an extended period of time does not give us superpowers to feel it less. However, most people with chronic pain have learned overtime to exhibit less pain related behaviours. So you can never really tell how much pain a person is in just by looking at them.

5. Sometimes we just don't have the spoons. Spoon Theory is an analogy to explain what it's like to live with a chronic illness such as chronic pain. Christine Miserandino, a woman who lives with lupus, originally coined the term on her website ButYouDontLookSick.com.

The basic premise is that when you have a chronic condition you wake up each day with a certain number of spoons. Every time you exert effort — by getting out of bed, cleaning, getting dressed — you lose a spoon. When you run out of spoons, that's it, the day's activities are done.

Chronic pain can be an exhausting condition and this analogy demonstrates the need to budget and loss of control some people experience. So if we cancel our plans with you, it may be because we ran out of spoons.

6. We're not lazy. In fact, we often have to work twice as hard to accomplish the tasks that most people do easily.

7. If we don't have a job it's for a reason. Some of us just don't have the spoons to work on top of our activities of daily living. It can turn our pain from bearable to unbearable. Also, most employers are not eager to hire someone that can only work a few hours a week, is completely unreliable, may or may not show up, and may end up leaving at any point during the shift due to pain flares that make being productive impossible.

8. It's really hard to get out of bed in the morning…and always! But that doesn't mean we still can't have fun from bed. So if we can't make it out you can always bring the party to us!

9. Every minute feels like an eternity when waiting. Whether it's an hour in a waiting room or 5 minutes in line, every minute drags out when you have to hold an uncomfortable position. It's not that we are impatient, we would just prefer to use our spoons on more important things.

10. We are not ignoring you. Pain can be very distracting and mentally draining. We try our best to stay sharp and attentive but if we seem not to fully be there please don't take it personally.

11. We get REALLY excited when we have a good day. Physically feeling good is just about the most exciting feeling in the world cause it means we can finally get stuff done! Its like going on a mini vacation (except for instead of doing nothing we try to do everything)!

12. And get really bummed when we have a bad day and can't do the things we love.

13. It can be hard to find a good doctor. Unfortunately, most health care professionals have little knowledge in pain management because it is rarely part of their training. We often go through many doctors before receiving a proper diagnosis and wait months to years (literally!) to see a pain specialist for treatment. Also, doctors too fall victim to the cognitive error of underestimating other's pain, and vary few doctors are willing to take the legal risks involved in prescribing pain pills. So if we happen to find a good doctor who listens and is willing to treat us, we feel like we've died and gone to heaven!

14. We are not drug seekers. We are pain relief seekers. Sometimes our medical treatment does require the use of opioids or medical marijuana to keep the pain under control and help us resume to as close to a normal life as we can. We take it just like any other medication. We dislike the side effects just like any other medication. And if we find pain relief from another means, we simply stop taking it, despite months or even years of use.

As the Cleveland Clinic explains: addiction appears to be distinctly uncommon in patients without a prior history of addiction. It's important to keep in mind that addiction is different than physical dependence/tolerance. Physical dependence can occur with many different types of medications (e.g. beta-blockers), whereas addiction is a psychological phenomenon that is not caused by "chemical hooks" and usually requires a setting very different than that of a chronic pain patient. Unlike street-users, the medical patient is under the supervision of a doctor, is taking the medication in a slow-acting form, and is going home to a life where he or she is surrounded by the people they love.

15. You don't need to give us suggestions or medical advice
. When we vent we are not asking for advice, we just need someone to listen. We do appreciate the thought, but it can be exhausting hearing advice all the time and frustrating when it doesn't work. Unless we ask or you have chronic pain yourself, it's best to leave this to the experts.

16. All we really need is your love and support
. Sometimes all you can do is just be there, and that's saving someone's life! TC mark

12 Things I Need My Future Husband To Know

Posted: 25 Apr 2016 08:15 PM PDT

wendy liu
wendy liu

1. I don’t expect you to stay the same forever. I’ve never understood the complaint of “you’ve changed!” Isn’t that the point? Aren’t we constantly evolving? If not, we’re just stagnant. And that doesn’t sound like much of a life. We’re going to be different than who we were when we met. Maybe our goals will shift. Maybe our world views will expand. I never want you to feel stifled. I never want you to think I expect you to remain exactly the man I fell in love with. I want to grow with you. I want to fall in love with you again and again, including all the new parts of you.

2. I will be your biggest cheerleader and your most honest critic. Yeah, just a warning, I’m going to be the one obnoxiously cheering and clapping for you in the front row. But I’m ALSO going to be the one giving you real feedback. I will always be your number one fan, but that means I’ll tell you the truth too. Because I respect you too much not to.

3. We’re always going to have dogs. Like, always. This is how it has to be. This is the life I must live.

4. I’m not in competition with your past. You have loved before. There have been important people who carved initials into your heart. You have memories that I don’t expect to erase. I have them too. They were all valid. They all served a purpose. We don’t have to pretend we are each other’s firsts. We are each other’s now. To me, that’s so much more important.

5. Being your wife will be an honor, but it won’t be my identity. I am so proud to be part of your life, to grow old together, to share whatever comes our way. But being Your Wife won’t become all that I am. Being Your Wife will never be my title. First and foremost, I am Me. And let’s be honest babe, that’s why you married me.

6. Our adventures won’t always be grand. Sometimes they will be as mundane as trips to the grocery store. Or stopping to get gas on the way home. We won’t always be jet-setting and taking envy-giving Instagrams. In fact, I hope we don’t. I hope our best days are kept private. That they are boring to the outside world, but to us? They are everything.

7. I cry at the dumbest things. Seriously. That gum commercial? Bawling. Some story about people I don’t know and never will? Immediately emotionally attached. I can’t help it. I get teary-eyed whenever I see roadkill, no matter how many times it happens. Just do me a favor and rub my back.

8. Our interests don’t have to match up perfectly. I get excited about the things you like not because it means I like them too, but because I love knowing what you are passionate about. We aren’t going to love the same things all the time. It would be silly to assume we would. But just know, seeing you completely stoked on something is wonderful to me. I don’t need to understand why, I just love knowing it brings you joy.

9. My mom is going to treat you like one of her own. And you damn sure better like it. She’s the best person in my life (other than you). You get the best bonus Mom with her. Honestly, she’s reason enough to marry me.

10. I don’t want to give up on us. Even when it gets tough. Even when we’re fighting and we’re both too stubborn to admit we were wrong. I want to always work it out. I never want to fall asleep mad. Life is so short and unpredictable. I know we’ll argue. That’s how it works. But I don’t want to let it get the best of us.

11. You are my best friend. That’s why I feel confident marrying you. I wouldn’t do this for just anyone. Romance comes and goes. I’ve seen it happen. But we’ve built a foundation on admiration, trust, and undying support. You’re not just someone I want to take to BoneTown (THOUGH I DO!), you’re the person I want to tell all my secrets. You’re the person I can’t wait to see. You’re the person I know will always have my back. And I’m grateful to have found you.

12. I hope you’re the biggest goddamn weirdo. I mean, if I’m marrying you that means you are. If I’m going to sign up for a lifetime deal, it’s absolutely going to be with someone just as absurd as I am. TC mark

You Will Love Again, But It Will Never Be Exactly The Same

Posted: 25 Apr 2016 08:00 PM PDT

Richard Torres
Richard Torres

The first time your heart is massively broken, you become utterly convinced the pain you feel is everlasting. It’s not the forever you signed up for. It’s not the outcome you expected when it was good, when things were full of light and happiness. But now you’re afraid it’s the only one you’ll know. You have loved, and you have lost.

And part of you wonders if that’s it. That’s just how it goes.

See, you loved with the kind of fire that is impossible to extinguish. You think the flame will continue to burn, that you’ll never feel that strongly again. And maybe it will keep flickering. There is no rush or time limit for your heart to mend. That’s the thing about a broken heart — it never fully breaks. It bruises; it stumbles. It might even fracture. But it can rebuild. It’s one of the strongest muscles, after all.

Right now, all you can see is the dust and the aftermath of a Great Romance. You thought it could stand the test of the time. You’d be the Pyramids, the Parthenon. Instead, all you can see are the ruins of something you prayed was indestructible. You’re so lost in the rubble.

It hurts too much for you to fully understand, but love is not a limited feeing.

Love is not something you get a singular shot at. Love is like energy — it cannot be created nor destroyed; it only transforms from one form to another. It will never be exactly like it was, but you will love again.
x
You might not want to hear that right now. I hope you understand this doesn’t diminish what you had. This doesn’t mean your love wasn’t special or spectacular. This doesn’t mean your feelings are just a dime a dozen.

Everything you had was real. Some day in the future, you are going to feel more love than you know what to do with. Whether it’s for friends, family, a romantic partner, or even yourself, you will get another chance at loving, and at being loved.

Like ivy on a building, love has a way of growing out of control. One day, it’s a little shrub by the sidewalk, and suddenly it’s all we can think of. It’s all in our hair. Even when you swear off its power, it will find a way. It’s like man against nature, frankly my dear, you’re powerless to stop it.

And when it comes around again, I hope you open your arms. I hope you open your deserving heart. TC mark

47 People Confess Their Most Awkward And Embarrassing Sexual Experience

Posted: 25 Apr 2016 07:15 PM PDT

Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz
Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz

1. WRONG time to ask ‘Who’s your daddy?’

"I said, 'Who’s your daddy?' and apparently her dad died of cancer 2 weeks before that and she started crying."

2. I told her I loved her while losing my virginity

"Telling her I loved her while losing my virginity."

3. My wife fell asleep while I gave her oral

"My wife fell asleep while I gave her oral."

4. I accidentally said ‘Fuck you!’

"I was making love to my then-girlfriend and it was really hot that she was thrusting her hips up to meet me so I wanted to say 'Yeah, fuck me back' but I ended up saying 'Fuck you!' She kept asking 'What? What did you say?' And I kept trying to not talk about it and continue having sex."

5. Micropenis

"Micropenis. Didn’t even get to the actual business. I took one look and noped on out of there. A girl has needs, too."

6. Sharted at a gangbang

Sharted at a gangbang. Didn’t get invited back…the lack of another invitation was awkward, I was still part of the FB group.

7. Fell off the bed and dislocated my knee

"Fell off the bed and dislocated my knee."

8. Well, it FELT like a boob…

"Well, one time I was with this chick who was kinda overweight. We were makin’ out, she was kinda leaned over and straddling me. She had some pretty decent boobs, so I move my hand to try and grab a handful. I get some of that sweet boob and start kneading that shit like some Silly Putty, mmm yeah. I was doing this for a good thirty seconds before she reaches down, grabs my hand, and moves it up to her ACTUAL boob. Turns out I was just grabbing at a roll of tummy flab. She didn't say anything about it, and I never called her back."

9. I stopped to use my inhaler

"Nothing too serious, just had stop and use my inhaler. It was cool, she wasn’t really in to it anyway. But she oughta see me now, I don’t even have to carry an inhaler anymore."

10. He put his dirty toes into my vagina

"The first most awkward was when an ex told me to close my eyes. Suddenly I felt this weird rough feeling in my vagina. I open my eyes and he is putting his dirty toes in there.

11. I could almost wrap my hand around it twice—and I have tiny hands

My second ex constantly bragged saying his penis was 8″ long. He later said he admitted it was actually 6″. Once the pants were off and we were ready to go he was actually 4″ long and below average in girth. The most awkward part was when he asked, 'It's huge, huh? I bet you have a hard time wrapping your hand around it and fitting it in your mouth.' I could almost wrap my hand around it twice and I have tiny hands, and my prior and first ex had him beat lengthwise by a little over half an inch. I just had to awkwardly say nothing since I didn’t want to hurt his ego."

12. He meowed as he came

"He meowed as he came. I think he thought it was cute or something."

13. Got our lip/nose rings stuck together

"Got our lip/nose rings stuck together. We couldn’t get unstuck for a while and we were very close to calling her mom to come help (while we were halfway through doing the business)."

14. All of a sudden she jams this pink rubber dong monstrosity straight into my gooch

"I met a girl online, we talked a bit and then we decided to meet. Well she was quite a bit larger in person, but fuck it, sex is sex right? So she starts giving me a blowjob, I close my eyes, I hear buzzing. All of a sudden she jams this pink rubber dong monstrosity straight into my gooch. It hurt and led to some pretty awkward sexing."

15. A pinworm was wriggling on my poopshaft

"Was fucking my high school girlfriend in the ass on her dad’s bed. I pull out and notice something white on the tip of my dick, fucking pinworm. Fucking disgusting. And she was denying it the whole time, saying it was a piece of wayward toilet paper even when it was clearly wiggling on my poopshaft."

16. Lost my boner (and the condom) inside her

"Losing my boner and then losing the condom…inside her. There’s no coming back from that friends, let me tell you."

17. Twenty people watched us from the food court

"Having sex outside of a mall behind a wall when we noticed about 20 people watching us bump uglies from the food court above us."

18. Cold dog nose on my taint

"Cold dog nose on my taint. 1/10, even on a hot summer night."

19. Furby couldn’t stop talking

"Long story short: Knocked a Furby over which promptly rolled under the bed and couldn’t stop talking. 'Ah! ah! weeeeeeee!' said the Furby."

20. Some guy keyed my car while I was having sex in it

"So I met this chick at a reddit event in my city. Hit it off real good and decided to get some tacos. She wanted to ride with me and we proceeded to go get some tacos. Got to the place one thing led to another and we started to do it in the car. As we were doing it some guy decided to key my car. Apparently the guy that keyed my car had a crush on the chick from the event and followed us to the parking lot."

21. She would cum so hard when I gave her head that she would sometimes fart

"This one girl would cum so hard when I gave her head she would sometimes fart. We are dating. For 8 years now."

22. I had a few fingers in her while she talked to her parents

"My girlfriend junior year was pretty much a high school kid's dream come true. She was attractive, equally horny, and her parents were super liberal. They believed it was better to just let her lock up in her room with me, then have us get arrested doing it in a car. So every day after school it was back to her house and lock up in her room till dinner. So one time I have a few fingers in her when her mom knocks on the door. It's locked so we are fine but her mom is trying to talk. I start removing said fingers, but she whispers to me 'this will only take a second.' and she holds on to my hand to keep them in. Then her dad joins the conversation. So I'm just sitting there listening to them talk about an upcoming trip while I'm knuckle-deep. Only time in my high school career that I decided to pull the plug and say lets rest for a few hours. Shit just felt wrong."

23. My nosebleed started dripping onto her cheek

"First time having sex with this girl, I am on top. About a minute into it she stops me. I look down and see blood on her face. Turns out I had gotten a nosebleed and it dripped right onto her cheek. But hey, now I am shopping for her engagement ring, so I guess it worked out."

24. She puffed a very polite fart right into my face

"Drunk as a motherfucker with a high school fling and I’m eating her pussy like it’s the Last Supper. She got relaxed, too relaxed and puffed a very polite fart right into my face. Nothing grotesque, just 'Pooooft.' I stopped munching, looked up and gave her what must’ve looked like the People’s Eyebrow. She was mortified. Nearly crying from embarrassment. I shrugged and went back to the buffet. Awwww, what a happy memory."

25. Gave a girl a paralytic orgasm

"Gave a girl a 'paralytic orgasm.' She literally contorted her face on one side like she was having a stroke and her hands turned in like she was posturing. Lasted about 2-3 minutes. It threw me off at first but was also kinda proud of myself."

26. Cramped my ass cheek trying to fuck in the back seat

"Cramped my ass cheek trying to fuck in the back seat of my Nissan. Had to open the door and stand on the pavement. Bare ass exposed to the night air."

27. She kept telling me to choke her harder

"Girl told me to choke her, so I did. She kept saying harder, so I obliged. By the end of it, I had all my weight on this girl's throat. I easily outweighed her by 100 lbs. She still kept telling me to choke her harder. She was turning bluish and started to choke/cough. I couldn’t do it anymore, I went limp and pulled out. She was so mad at me for ruining her orgasm, 'I was right there!' I never talked to her again."

28. A 15-minute weird seizure-like orgasm

"Recent girlfriend and I were together on and off for a long long time, very comfortable and we had tried a lot of fetishes together. She was really into being dominated, tied up and spanked so we were doing that. She knew she was leaving town for a while, so she wanted to do something special, so she was bent over, hands tied behind her back, blindfolded and as I was putting a scarf in to gag her she said, 'I want you to cum inside of me.' Never been a thing for me, but I figured why not? Barring some weird hiccup in her cycle, there was little chance of getting her pregnant. So we were going at it for awhile and she was really into it, more so than normal. When I was just about to pop, I started going harder….pulled back for a deep thrust and she suddenly flattened against the bed because she got cold feet. Now, this wouldn’t be too big of a problem except the timing was such that I was thrusting in as she flattened out and my cock thrust right into a bone. The pain of this made me try to draw back which in turn made both of my hamstrings go into the most painful spasms I’ve ever felt, which then sent me straight forward like I was a catapult. I am no small man, and the force I landed with knocked the wind out of her and broke the middle section of the wooden bed frame. I was also mid-orgasm, but the orgasm kind of just leaked out in an uncomfortable way and it kept going for about 15 minutes and it felt….weird…my whole body was twitching or shuddering and my legs wouldn’t stop shaking but in the worst way imaginable."

29. Truck started rolling down a hill while I was having sex in it

"I was with my ex-fianceė and we were having sex in the back of my truck under the moon and whatnot near her parents' house that is adjacent to a corn field and next thing I know the truck starts rolling down a slight grade."

I thought we just wiggled it a bit because we were going at it pretty good, but turns out my parking brake is faulty and I didn’t leave the truck in gear as we pick up some speed down this incline towards a drainage ditch. My first instinct is to try and hop out of the truck and then into the cab. Of course it turns out to be a dumb ass idea.

I jump out, cock hard as a diamond in an ice storm glistening in the moonlight, and try to reach the door handle but by that point I was already too far behind it and I hear a crunch and a little scream as my back tires wedge into the ditch. So I run over and help her out of the truck and we grab our clothes. As she’s getting dressed she looks at me with the most serious expression she’d ever put on her face and says, ‘I came.’ For whatever reason we thought that was so funny and stood there half dressed for about 5 minutes laughing until we cried. We got dressed snuck quietly into the house and acted all surprised the next morning when her dad used his truck and hitch to pull mine from the ditch."

30. I broke my ‘banjo string’

"I was having sex with my girlfriend (now wife) and felt a horrible slap on my penis. Well I look down see blood, she's freaking out because she felt it too. Once we realize the blood is coming from my penis I start to freak out. Called the ER and Googled around. Turns out my frenulum, it's like some skin that connects shaft to head, snapped while we were going at it. ER doctor said no way to tell how bad it was and requested I come in to get it checked out. Yahoo Answer replies made it seem common, so I just iced it and stayed home. Stung for a few days after but all went well."

31. I farted with every squirt of my orgasm

"First time having sex with her, and I farted during orgasm. Not one long loud fart. Just a series of little ones. Every squirt of the orgasm had an audible pfft. I could not control it. Pfft. pfft. pfft. pfffffffffft. pfffffffffffffffffft. I was ashamed."

32. She queefed and farted in my face

"I was going down on this girl I’d been hooking up with for a minute. She was getting pretty into it and accidentally queefed in my mouth. I wouldn’t have been upset if she didn’t rip ass seconds after I went back for seconds."

33. She fainted in the shower while standing up

"Shower sex and she fainted. Standing up. In the shower. Did not end well."

34. She did a Fat Albert impression using my fat dick

"I met this girl off Tinder, went on a first date, nothing happened, pretty typical. The second date was the 'Netflix and chill' date, I went to her apartment to watch Sinister 2 with her. Pretty quick, things got hot and heavy and we start fooling around. I get on top of her and she slides my pants down and sees my dick for the first time. She looks at it for a sec and says, 'Wow, you have a really thick dick.' I thought it was kind of a weird comment, but she was pretty hot so I just said thanks and went back at it. She then grabs the base of my dick and swings it side to side while saying 'HEY HEY HEY' in a Fat Albert impression. I fucking died, lost the boner, she thought it was kinda funny too. We never finished the movie. 9/10, never saw her again after that."

35. She had toilet paper sticking to her butthole

"Had to tell her she had toilet paper sticking to her butthole."

36. I apparently at some point slid balls-deep into her ass

"Me and my girlfriend junior year were going at it after school, she was really relaxed and I apparently at some point slid balls-deep into her ass and didn’t notice till she said something."

37. Stray pube caused her to puke on my penis

"Stray pube kicked in her gag reflex and resulted in her vomiting on my penis."

38. She asked if I was gay mid-thrust

"She asked if I was gay mid-thrust."

39. An old cat jumped on my back

"A cat as old as I was (early 20s) jumped on my back.
Did you know that when cats get old, they lose their ability to retract their claws?"

40. Girlfriend punched her own vagina because she wasn’t getting wet enough

"Girlfriend punched her own vagina because she wasn’t getting wet enough."

41. Poor man got his dick twanged

"I kicked my boyfriend in the penis when I moved to sit on his face. Poor man was so excited for a face full of crotch and instead got his dick twanged."

42. I pooped in his face a little

"A guy was going down on me and I thought I just farted [but] I ended up pooping on his face a little. And the worst part was he tried to keep going and was trying to rub my shit on my stomach I instantly pushed him off and said I need to go wash myself and so does he."

43. He humped my leg and jizzed all over it

"I was making out with a guy in my dorm room with him on top of me. He asked if we could have sex and I said no. He, fully clothed, proceeds to hump my leg super quickly for like 10 seconds, jizz all over his pants/my leg, get up and say 'OK, see ya later,' and leave."

44. I drooled on her face

"I was titty-fucking this one girl I dated for a few years in high school. She was one of those crazy-but-super-hot chicks. Absolutely perfect tits. Anyways, I was so…in a trance?…while I was fucking her tits that I didn’t realize my mouth was open. Ended up drooling right on her face. Very sad moment."

45. Some people have a very strong musk odor when sweaty

"Going for a cunnilingus and wanting to puke when I was in between her legs. I stopped everything altogether and went to sleep without explaining. The moment was a very awkward situation which wasn’t really her fault since some people have a musk odor very strong when sweaty which made me sick at the time. The next day was also very awkward when she told everyone that i was a 'mauvais coup.' Dunno how to translate that. I couldn’t really explain without seeming really mean and it was really awkward with my group of friend from then on."

46. My wife threw up while giving me head in the shower

"My wife threw up while giving me head in the shower; she cried…and died a little inside, I think."

47. Strangest compliment of my life during sex

"We were both drunk with this girl. We just started the sex when she says: 'Ohh this is soo good, like never before.' Then she adds: 'Or am I just too drunk?' Strangest compliment of my life during sex." TC mark

21 Security Guards Share The Craziest, Most Hilarious Things They’ve Seen On The Job

Posted: 25 Apr 2016 07:00 PM PDT

via Flickr - Elvert Barnes
via Flickr – Elvert Barnes

1. The Dogs Are Out

While a shoplifter was running from us and heading into a wooded area, my supervisor started barking like a dog. We couldn’t see the woman and couldn’t hear her running anymore, but we saw her tracks in the snow. My supervisor keeps barking and yells that he is going to send the dog in after her. She screams that she is giving up and to not send the dog in. We get her cuffed and the whole way walking back to our office she is freaking out about how she is afraid of dogs and to keep it away from her… She never caught on that there was no dog.

2. Sauce Burglar

I work food service in an amusement park. One day, a guy snuck in the back of the store, and stole a box of BBQ sauce packets, thinking it was a box of wine, which was kind of strange, considering both that we didn't sell wine, and that it clearly said BBQ sauce on just about every surface. When a security guard (who I happened to be friends with) caught up with him, not only did he deny he did anything (while still holding the box…), but he pissed and shit himself. The good news was, we got our sauce back, and he got a yearlong ban from the park, and public intoxication charges!

3. False Alarm

I work for a farm and I do night shifts watching over everything. (We get lots and lots of predators.)

So anyways, one night the dog we have protecting everything goes ballistic and takes off into the back fields. I called the spare farm hand and let him know shit was going down and I took off after him. So here I am running around at 2:00am in a field toting a shotgun looking for this damn dog and I hear him making vicious fighting noises and I’m playing over scenarios in my head. Finally farm hand gets out here on the atv and we spot him tearing up a tree branch that fell out of a tree.

4. The Running Gag

The hidden dick.

It’d show up everywhere. On equipment, on patrol checklists, in notebooks… It was a very particularly drawn dick. It wasn’t constant, but it was frequent enough to cause HR meetings, finger pointing, sexual harassment threats and so on. The mystery person was then proclaimed “the dick bandit.”

To this day, nobody knows for sure who the dick bandit was… Every so often, a dick will show up on something. And we know. We know. He lives.

5. An Inside Job

First day working a retail security job. I show up a few minutes early, and witness a man dressed in the company’s uniform getting tossed into the back of a police car by about 4 officers. He’s freaking out, struggling against them, screaming at the top of his lungs, and is one very, very small step away from getting hit with a stun gun or pepper spray. To this day, I’m amazed at their restraint.

After getting inside, I discovered that he was the previous security guy, and that they had coordinated his arrest with the police for the start of my shift. Per my new boss: “Not because we wanted to scare you. We just didn’t want a gap in coverage.”

Turns out, the guy had made off with something in the vicinity of $25k worth of goods over the previous couple of months, and only got caught because he was stupid and greedy.

6. Welcome To America

Not my current security Gig but when I did security in Obetz, Ohio. I was training a new guard, an Immigrant from Somalia, I can’t remember his name but he was very unfamiliar with everything about america. One night around 3am we saw a skunk walking around outside of our guard shack, My trainee had never seen one before and asked what it was. I explained that it was a Skunk and exactly what would happen if he got too close to it. Well he didn’t believe me and decided it looked like a cat, he got sprayed and I made him stand outside the shack. It was also his first winter in Ohio.

7. A Weird Rihanna Encounter

I do security at a private airport. We get a lot of big time stars that come in. Well one night at about 3am I’m at my post which is pretty secluded from the rest of the terminal and I hear a bang on my shack. I figure it’s my partners messing around with me so I ignore it. About 30 seconds later I notice some guy stumbling around the parking lot scooping stuff up off the ground. I get out and ask the man if I can help him, he just yells back at me the he’s running late and he NEEDS to get this food to Rihanna. I help him scoop up the last of the food off the ground (gravel included.) As the man hurries off to give Rihanna her food I notice the man has a large gash on his head and is bleeding profusely. I attempted to give him a paper towel but he insisted he was fine. A couple minutes after the man left still bloodied Rihanna came in and I damn near got a contact high emanating from her limo.

8. Best. Security Guard. Ever.

My best story is also my worst. Working security for Target, we had a guy come in and steal a bicycle pump. When we approached him in the parking lot, he had a bicycle with a cart attached. He was clearly homeless, and he was furiously trying to inflate one of the tires on the bike. My boss had already called the cops, but after seeing the man’s circumstances, I couldn’t l let him be arrested, so I ran back inside and paid for the pump myself. When the cops showed up, I told them everything was fine.

My boss was pretty pissed about the whole thing, but I didn’t care. I quit over the BS from the whole ordeal. I don’t regret it one bit though. It was a shitty job anyway.

9. The “Fluke Man”

There’s one awful incident that happened to me when I just started working in casino surveillance. It was about 8pm and I went on a break and in my typical fashion, I walked around the building to get some fresh air. I liked to get away from the cameras and knew a few choice places where I could stand outside that were away from the prying eyes of the CCTV.

So there I was minding my own business, taking a break from it all, when this “kid” approached me who looked like the fluke man from the X-files – he looked about 14, was bald, sickly pale and had sores all over his face. He explained to me that he had cancer in its advanced stages and to look at him you knew it instantly. I was so taken back by how ghastly he looked that when he asked me for some money for food I automatically got out my wallet and gave him about three fiddy… seriously though, I gave him $20 and finished my break.

About 5 minutes into returning from my break a security guard broadcasts over the two-way radio that they need to give medical attention to a minor in the casino. They gave a location, I punched in a camera number and there was my little friend. My co-worker sitting next to me (whose worked surveillance since the casino opened) see’s what I’m seeing and quickly broadcasts that this guy is in fact of legal age, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him, but he’s banned from the casino and that he uses his appearance to coax money out of fools. So of course with that, the entire surveillance department began reviewing footage of the guy to see which sap gave him the money. So I basically start shitting myself thinking “what the hell have I done, I’ve given money to a banned patron to gamble and now every single person here is gonna find out and I’ll lose my job.” Luckily the spot I took my break in was a blind spot and they never found out.

10. The Fox And The Rabbit

I was standing outside smoking a cigarette before my exterior rounds when I heard this insane screaming. I couldn’t tell what it was but I knew is was some kind of animal in distress. It was quiet for a bit… and then I heard it louder and closer. A few minutes later I see a fox walking around the corner with a (dead) rabbit in it’s mouth. It trotted over to a grassy area, placed the rabbit down, and just stretched out on the grass. Just chilled there for a bit, every once in a while moving his catch around. Right before he decided to leave I swear he looked up at where I was standing (About 20 yards away) and gave me a nod. It’s not the most interesting thing in the world to happen, but just the way it all happened really stuck with me. Also, if you’ve never heard a rabbit scream for it’s life, you don’t know what nightmares are made of.

11. Knock, Knock

So here I am, guarding a Motel 6 at midnight, in a giant city in central Texas. I’ve been on shift for only an hour but I know something weird is going on.

Before I started my night, the outgoing motel employee told me he suspected the police were watching a room in the motel. That’s not really unusual as the motel is used for prostitution on a nightly basis. But as my shift progresses during the first hour, my cheap Motorola radio is picking up huge amounts of interference; which is very unusual. I eventually notice a pickup that has a middle aged man sitting in the drivers seat; its probably the cops so I pretend I don’t see them.

At 12:15 am I’m standing in the lobby drinking some coffee when the phone rings, and the night auditor answered. When she hangs up she tells me the police are here to apprehend someone. I figure that meant a few squad cars at most are going to arrive.

Holy fuck was I wrong. Within 2 minutes, 4 police cars, 2 ambulances, an unmarked car arrive. but the best part is the 6 man tactical team riding in (hanging off a modified F-350). Within seconds the team is moving up the stairs in the most movie perfect way imaginable. I’m pretty sure I have a huge boner at this point (because come on, this shit was awesome).

The team stacks up at a door, smashes a Flashbang through the window (which explodes, causing the building Fire alarm to activate) and hits the room with a battering ram. After a few minutes they drag a guy and his girlfriend out.

A few minutes pass and a detective brings an arrest warrant and a search warrant up to the office and a form to be compensated for the damages. But get this, the guy they arrested had violated his parole. Fuck; what was he paroled for.

Apparently, they didn’t arrest the girl either. And she didn’t have her name on the room. So on top of all this I had to go kick her out of the room. She was crying when I told her, so she just picked up her scattered belongings and carried them out.

That one was entertaining.

12. The Hitchhiker

I once responded to a drunk man on our property. When I went and talked to him he was a bit scratched up and thought he was in San Francisco. He was a state away still. He was hitch hiking and got dropped off by a trucker who I assume got annoyed with his drunkenness and told him he had arrived. He then stumbled through the middle of the woods towards our building falling the whole way to it thinking it was the city lights.

13. A Guard Of The Arts

My father used to be a guard at an art museum and thus I had to listen to the stories of all sorts of obnoxious things he has been through. My favorites:

  • A woman was changing her babies shit filled diaper… on the cafe counter. He told her she had to take it to the bathroom, she replied with a hysterical “DON’T YOU CALL MY BABY DIRTY, MY BABY IS CLEAN!” Sure it is. And the brown goo is pudding?

  • One evening, he was making his rounds, giving the whole “15 minutes to closing” routine when he caught a Scandinavian couple in an obstructed corner starting to get hot and heavy. The place was empty by that point, so he kinda just laughed, told them to take it outside, got a “Ya, Ya” and moved on. He came back 10 minutes later to give the 5 minute warning, and there they were again, him fingerbanging the shit out of her against a wall. He give them a glare, say “get out, we’re closed”. They sheepishly start to follow him out, but right before they reach the door, he turns around and they are all of 10 feet behind him, again against a wall, this time with her hands down his pants. Half laughing, half infuriated he yells “GET THE FUCK OUT!” and they scurried off. Damn those ice people…

  • After hearing about when he was working a wedding for a Canadian couple, I had all of my stereotypes confirmed. They were all super nice, a great deal of them were rocking the denim on denim look, the first dance was a Bryan Adams-song and they ran out of alcohol within the first hour and sent the groom’s father out on a whiskey run in which he returned with 20 more handles (all of which they ran out of by the end of the night).

  • Heelies… little shits on heelies -He has yelled at so many kids for skating around the art museum. Sadly, half the time the parents turn and yell at him for yelling at their shit kids. One of my fathers colleagues was actually fired for this. A woman insisted “they are technically just shoes”. He lost it, showed her his footlong maglite and said in a kind of crazy voice “and technically this is just a flashlight. Technically.”

  • Once, he was making his rounds and caught a kid, probably about 7 years old, standing extremely close to one of the paintings, giving it a kind of hypnotized stare. Slowly the kid leaned in and began to stick his tongue out, inching closer and closer to the painting. Baffled, my dad closed in on him and yells out “HEY!” The kid jolts his head towards him, shooting him his best “OH SHIT”-eyes, turns back to the painting, gives it a monstrous lick, and books it the fuck out of the museum. Nobody ever caught him.

14. Fighting The Marine At The Country Concert

Worked concert security over a summer. Anyone who’s done concerts will tell you that country and rap/hip-hop shows have the worst crowds. This one in particular was country, and I was patrolling the venue with a coworker. We run into two other guards and wander with them for a few minutes and notice two massive guys shouting at each other. When I say massive, I found out one of them was a marine. Anyway, we decide this doesn’t look like a good situation and go to calm them down. Immediately the marine starts swinging at us and the others wrestle him to the ground. I’m 5’7, fuck me if I’m getting involved so I just pretend to help. The marine punches one guard in the face who is known in the company to be a hothead. Immediately he pulls out his flashlight and smashes this man in the face five times with blood spurting everywhere. The only thing I could distinctly remember the marine saying was “Go ahead, keep hitting me! I fucking love when you do that!” after my coworkers bashed his fucking head in. We were all afraid my coworkers was gonna be fired for that but then the higher ups didn’t really care after the marine tried attacking them too.

15. Sexy Times In Loss Prevention

Was working Loss Prevention for a major retailer. Was a slow day, not many people in the store, and no thieves. I had just gotten settled, and my manager Marie, and coworker S (both females) were chatting away. I sat down at the cameras, and within a minute I see this young couple walk in. And I mean young, 13/14 at most.

The couple walks straight into the lower level entrance, and then proceeds to head to one of the fitting rooms, without picking up anything. This happens somewhat often, people wanting to spice up the sex life by trying it somewhere new. Or in this case, actually just have some time to themselves, being so young. Usually we just kick them out, but if it’s a extreme case, like their are children in the immediate area, we will call the cops and detain them.

I let my co workers know what’s up, and head downstairs to interrupt. I approach the fitting room stall, and can see under the door a pair of feet and another set of legs, on it’s knees. I knock and tell them I’m with store security and need them to exit the fitting room. I hear some shuffling, and the male attempts to just walk by me casually saying “We were trying stuff on.” I block the fitting room exit, and basically give them the “we are just kicking you out, but you’re lucky” speech, when the radio crackles to life.

S: “Hey,” Marie says, “hold them there.”

I see the kid’s eyes go wide, and immediately begin to sweat.

Kid: “Marie?

DBB: “Yea that’s my boss.”

K: “She about 32? Lesbian but looks like a dude?”

And then he goes on to describe my boss to a tee.

DBB: “Yea? You know her?”

Kid: “She used to date my mom.”

Disgonnabegood.gif

Manager comes down, and says “Julio! WTF are you thinking? You think you’re momma is going to like this? She raised you better than that? Hell so did I! And you, Missy! You think this is love? Blowing someone in a fitting room? You’re better than this dumbass!”

She basically just ripped into him for 5 solid minutes before telling him she’d be in touch with his mom later, and made him leave. Now, I’ve had some moment’s where I had to keep my shit together. Whether it was the mother who cursed me out when she found out I wasn’t Christian, despite the fact I was tallying all the clothes she had just stolen. Or the kid who tried to convince me that song by Akon were “the songs of his people” and I was denying his rights to sing them in the holding room of our office. Or the Pauly D wanna be who was so busy trying to get his dick wet with my coworker S that he stole right in front of us without realizing it. But I have NEVER lost it as hard as I did when Marie was ripping into this kid. It was glorious. Imagine the fear of your mom yelling at you, except she wasn’t your mother anymore so there wasn’t that guarantee she’d hold back out of love.

16. The Meat Thief

I worked at a mall, yes you could call me a “mall cop”, I’ve heard worse.

I had my eyes on this guy in a long leather coat, he was acting strangely in a grocery store. I walked out of the store and waited for him past the cashier checkpoint, no biggie. The guy comes walking past me and since I’ve only got suspicions, my plan was to have a quick talk with the guy to see if he had any problems, felt distressed or if I could help him in any way.

As soon as he comes walking out, he sees me and starts bailing for the mall exit. As he starts running, it be comes very obvious that this guy had something to hide…literally.

Out of his leather jacket, sausages, ham, bacon, every imaginable piece of meat you could stick in there came falling out and left a meat trail all the way to the exit.

17. Seen It All

I work retail Loss Prevention as a part time job. For 12 years now. What haven’t I seen?

Saw a guy do a door hit (snatch and run) for about $1500 worth of shit. Then get hit and run over by his own getaway vehicle. It was Christmas Eve.

Saw an illegal immigrant beating it, then blast his load all over a rack of FUBU.

Seen fingers/hands in every orifice. People pick their nose and eat it all the time. Some for a half hour plus. Watched a girl- in a span of 20 seconds- scratch her armpit, pick her nose, dig her ass, then sniff it. Then she licked a finger. Lovely.

Seen all manner of crackheads/meth heads/heroin addicts, etc. The first two are wildly unpredictable, sometimes dangerous. Heroin addicts, well, you have to watch out for needles, but they are usually the nicest folks, and will tell you all about themselves and what they do. Very apologetic too. Crack and meth heads don’t give a fuck.

18. Do Not Narc On Private Security

I worked with a guy who was the company drug dealer (that is to say, he sold drugs to the entire guard company).

One of the tenants at the building we worked at saw him making a transaction with one of the Duty PROs (senior guards who’s job is supposedly to be a roaming supervisor, pop in and make sure you’re actually doing your patrols, etc) and threatened to report him to the company. The drug dealer guard asked me for help in dealing with the problem, and I said I wasn’t going near this with a 40 foot pole. If I’d known what exactly he wanted ‘help’ with, I’d have done something about it.

He waited until I was off shift, and he and another co-worker that he sold to ambushed the tenant in the stairwell, ducttaped his mouth for silence, and then his hands to the railing, and beat the ever loving shit out of him. They told him if he went to anyone about it, they’d do worse.

That guy did not end up reporting him for drug dealing, surprisingly enough.

19. The Phantom Shitter

We had a phantom shitter, this guy would shit in places where everyone would see, right next to vending machines, elevators and stairs. It was such a problem my boss had a breakdown in our conference room. He just didn’t know how to deal with the mental stress of it.

He slammed the doors open while we where getting ready for our weekly meeting, as if he had watched someone die in front of him and just yell “the phantom shitter has struck again” and then yell for like 15 min about how catching this ballsy motherfucker was a top priority for our company.

We never caught him He always wore a hoodie and knew exactly where the cameras were. Also he would take his dumps at different intervals of the day even in plain daylight a few times. His shit pattern was never consistent.

20. Nightmare At The Morgue

I worked as a supervisor for security at a hospital and part of our job was to assist the the funeral homes with the removal of the dead bodies from the morgue so they didn’t take the wrong one. One day I got a call from another security guard for assistance. I get there and they were attempting to roll out a 550lb man on a cart made to haul people no heavier then 300lb.

The wheels broke and this massive corpse rolls under the main trash bin for the hospital near the vehicle they were attempting to load the body into. I call 5 other hospital employees to assist with pulling this body out from under the bin and lift him into the van. Now this is were it gets a little gross.

I was the main person supporting this body as we rolled him into the van because I was fairly used to dead bodies and this one was in a body bag so it wasn’t that bad. We just started to get him into the van and everybody backs away thinking we have him all the way into the vehicle. I know we don’t because the body started to roll back out.

I gripped what I thought was the bag but ended up grabbing skin and torn it away from the body as the body began to roll out on top of me. For those of you that don’t know, body bags are not air/fluid tight. At this point all the fluids leaking from his body where I tore him open and the fluid that came out from him falling off the cart (piss/shit) were now leaking down my neck and into my shirt.

21. Rape Prevention

I was working in the lobby of a Sorority house on campus (all sorority houses at this particular university hired nighttime security due to a certain infamous serial killer breaking into one a few decades back). It was my first night on the job and the house mom (an older lady who lives at the house full time and is essentially a mentor to the girls) told me that there were “absolutely no men” allowed in the house or upstairs. Roger that.

It’s a Friday night and I’m signing girls out left and right as they hit the strip, a total of 80 something girls are out by midnight. 2 AM rolls around and a handful come back and I have to chase off some creepers, no big deal. Around 4 AM, a police car rolls up and the young male officer helps drag a barely conscious and disheveled looking girl into the lobby and tells me he found her like that alone in the McDonalds parking lot. He has a strange look in his eye and proceeds to take her upstairs to “settle her in and make sure she’s safe.”

I tell him no men are allowed upstairs and my client made no exceptions for law enforcement. He says its his job to make sure she’s safe, but I showed him the door. We exchanged some words but he ended up leaving.

Something didn’t seem right about that guy escorting a drunk girl to bed. TC mark

This Is How Love Changes Throughout Your Life

Posted: 25 Apr 2016 06:00 PM PDT

Jesse Herzog
Jesse Herzog

First love presents itself as stomach-turning butterflies, a palpitating heart and infinite nervousness. When he is near, you find yourself unable to think straight; when he kisses your cheek for the first time, it feels as though you’ve just won an Olympic gold medal for your country. You’re proud and ecstatic and have no fear. You don’t know what’s coming next, except that the world feels as if it doesn’t exist when you’re in his arms. When his lips touches yours, you feel as though your legs can no longer take the weight of your happiness. You don’t think about the future because what could possibly go wrong? You are here and he is with you and everything feels so right.

But then all of a sudden everything is torn away from you when you least expect it. He leaves as quickly as he entered, leaving a storm of dust behind in his wake, and the ashes of the future that you never spared much thought to anyway. You are down on your knees, trying to gather the ashes but you fail; the tears streaming down your face are clouding your eyes. He left you with no map, no road signs to navigate the aftermath of his departure, and his absence has left you more lost than you have ever been before. So this is what it feels like to your heart broken for the first time. People try to make you feel better. They tell you it gets better with time, but maybe you don’t want it to get better. You never want to forget the best moments of your life.

Then love will find you again. This time it feels like the first, except different. It’s new again. You’re not sure whether to trust again but you want to. But you find yourself there again, on the edge of love and love is drawing you in, pulling you closer till it’s too late to try to pull yourself out. And why would you? It’s wonderful. Love has given you someone to weeap about again, someone to write about, laugh with, to live with. The heartache from your first love even seems silly now. You’re wiser, you tell yourself. You’ll do this better.

But love will leave you yet again and although it hurts deeply, it almost seems like heartache gets easier sometimes. Does it get easier? Maybe you’re just more used to the pain. Maybe you’re slowly learning to accept that not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever. That people come and go; they come to teach you something, then they leave as soon as their time is done. You tear your heart out once again, but this time it’s a little easier to do. You are no longer looking for the road signs he left behind, you are making your own.

Of course, love will find you again. This time, the butterflies are present but they are different. He doesn’t sweep you off your feet, you aren’t a nervous wreck when you see him from across the street. Instead, he brings you peace. When you are with him you feel a calmness as you’ve never felt before. Like everything is falling into place but you don’t even have to try. You are no longer leaning on him for direction, you are directing this together. You are no longer throwing yourself at him, begging for him to fix you. You have your sharp edges, just as he does. Your have your flaws, just as he has his. But you’re in this together. You’re both finding yourselves through each other. You’re helping each other on this great journey and it’s always an adventure together. You wonder if this is what love is supposed to feel like. You no longer love wrecklessly, but purposefully. TC mark

16 People On What Made Their ‘Forever’ Relationship Fail

Posted: 25 Apr 2016 05:01 PM PDT

masterone
masterone

1. "I was young and wasn't really sure what ‘forever’ meant." – Sam, 22

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2. "I tried telling myself I was happy with him and that things would get better in the future, but they haven't. I'm still with him." – Kristen, 23

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3. "We were in a relationship for a few years prior to me leaving for work, I was only gone a few months until I received the call that she wanted to see other people. It broke my heart completely, I still can't believe it." – Ron, 28

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4. "We got in a motorcycle accident, I lived, but he didn't. I'll never step foot on another motorcycle again in my life." – Kavanagh, 23

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5. "After a couple years of dating things just turned routine for him. He stopped being the person I feel in love with and I knew it was time to walk away. He made me feel guilty for everything and started to manipulate me. It took some time and confidence, but I realized there were better things out there for me." – Alex, 27

beetlejuice

6. "She lied to me. She was cheating on me with her ex and some other random guys. I was blind sided, but once I figured it out I knew I had to walk away." – Xavier, 23

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7. "We grew apart, the people we were when we were growing up wasn't the same people we were in our twenties and I think we both realized that." – Leah, 25

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8. "I wanted to move away for work and he didn't want to leave his hometown that we'd been living in for almost 10 years. I knew that I was going to resent him in the future if I stayed with him there because I wanted so much more for myself." – Bridgette, 32

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9. "She wasn't happy, but she didn't tell me. She just let the relationship go on with me thinking nothing was wrong. I was completely blind sided by the ending." – Matt, 24

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10. "She left me for another woman." – Kevin, 28

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11. "I didn't treat her how I should have. I took her for granted and everything she did for me. I still miss her, but she's happy now it seems." – Shane, 26

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12. "He was my best friend, but he was mentally abusive and I didn't even realize it at the time. He didn't let me do anything without him and if I did it caused a fight. He was extremely insecure and took everything out on me and made me always feel guilty. I really thought we'd make it, but then I smartened up." – Sara, 24

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13. "Our forever relationship was almost too perfect to be true. But we were both too young for anything serious, but time will tell, he will always be my best friend." – Lila, 22

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14. "I made her feel alone in our relationship. I didn't treat her like I should have because I was too wrapped up in my own life that I wasn't giving her the attention and love I should have. I blame myself everyday for letting our relationship fail." – Mark, 30

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15. "I cheated on him. I was being selfish and I let my emotions ruin everything we built up together." – Brit, 24

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16. "He wanted more than what I could give him." – Mary, 22 TC mark

I Can’t Stop Falling In Love With You

Posted: 25 Apr 2016 04:06 PM PDT

Ian Schneider
Ian Schneider

It has been 3 years since we found ourselves yearning for each other. It has been 3 years since I began to feel that I have to see you every single day. I can still recall how it feels when I realized that I am falling in love with you. It’s truly an inexplicable feeling. A feeling that I will never get tired of.

Yes, we see each other every day, but I still miss you every moment that you are not with me. Your perfume, your jokes, your brown eyes, your hand that I always want to hold, the way you giggle, everything about you is amazing.

Every time I look at you, I feel scared, happy, and down all at the same time. I am scared to lose you; happy that I have you in my life; and down for all the pain that I've caused you.  I want to thank you for everything, my love. For always going straight to my house after your work, for buying food that I crave, for buying clothes that I don’t really need but you still buy it anyway because you think it suits me perfectly, for all the smiles you put on my lips, for understanding, listening and loving me the best way you could.

Thank you for all your sacrifices, for effortlessly reminding me every single day how wonderful life is. I am grateful for you have become my strength in times of my weaknesses. Thank you for the laughter and the pain, for it made me grow as a changed and better woman today.

Every pain and tears were all worth it. I would never want anybody else to hold my hand the way you do. This journey that we have right now is not easy to achieve. We had a lot of ups and downs, but both of us never gave up. We still have each other because we choose to work things out.

I never prayed that He spare our relationship from experiencing trials. Instead, I always pray that He guide us in every trial we are about to face.

Today, as I recall our first “I love you’s” I can still feel the same way and it never changed. It will never change, my love. In everything that you do, always remember that I am here to support you. I’ll always be your food buddy, best friend and partner. You are wonderful. You are part of my plans for the future and I am excited to know what’s in store for us for the years to come.

I love you. TC mark

THIS JUST IN: Life Is Really, Really Hard

Posted: 25 Apr 2016 04:00 PM PDT

jo.maycock1 / jo.maycock1
jo.maycock1 / jo.maycock1

If you haven’t figured it out yet, life is f*cking hard. Like, I’m talking fully erect penis hard. Sorry, Grandma. I make dick jokes when I’m frustrated. I’m working on it. Sort of.

I’ve always found it a little funny how humans take such pride in being the most complicated animal. Oh, we’re so evolved! We’re the top of the food chain! Woop-dee-doo. Some days, I’d trade in all this emotional intelligence to be a cow just grazing along. Happy. Content. Not crippled by anxiety. Totally unaware that I’m about to become someone’s dinner.

Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to get bleak so fast. I don’t know, maybe it’s easy to get bleak these days. I don’t think it’s that more terrible things happen now, but with technology, we can’t easily avoid those punches to the gut. Everything is stuffed down our throats. We can’t escape the stories that sink our hearts, the stories that make us want to crawl under the covers and never come back out.

It’s easy to get lost in just how difficult this world can be.

I’m always reminded of a particular quote by Buffy (aka my favorite character from any TV show, ever) when she’s speaking to her sister Dawn: “The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.” Because damn Buffy, you’re right. It is. It really, really is.

When I sat down to write this, I thought, “Surely a beautiful epiphany is going to hit me!” I was ready to let my fingers click and clack, work away until I typed my way into the answer. Some simple way to make the dark times brighter, the hurt a little less painful. Something I can hold up and show everyone else, “This is it! Life isn’t going to be hard anymore!”

But, shocker, none of that happened. I am no closer to unlocking the secrets to the universe than I was an hour ago. Or a day ago. Or hell, a year ago. Maybe that’s okay. Maybe Buffy was right and together, we find our ways to survive.

There’s a strange solace I find when things get really tough – I’m talking when my fists are held up to the sky and I’m cursing it all – and it’s the notion that as alone as we may feel, life is hard for everyone. We all have our days of tremendous strife. We all have our nights of questioning when tomorrow will actually be better. Everyone struggles. Everyone fights to make it through. Isn’t that something? As hard as life is, we keep fighting to make it through. Maybe there’s a silver lining in there somewhere. I don’t know. Right now, I’m too tired to find it. Let me know if you do. I’d love to hear about it. I’d love to know. TC mark

The Day I Realized That I Deserve More

Posted: 25 Apr 2016 03:15 PM PDT

Eli DeFaria
Eli DeFaria

The day I got the key to my first apartment that I lived in by myself. That day I was happy. That day I walked around the empty loft and listened to the hard wood floors creak. I heard nothing but the echo off of the tall ceilings. They were so tall above me, barely reaching the long rope to pull to adjust the fans.

That day, when I spun around the empty room, imagining the upcoming change in my life with just excitement but an anxious fear hiding behind it. I walked in and out of both empty bedrooms, wondering where I would put what piece of furniture, while making a list of all the basic items I would need to buy. The things I never thought to buy because my mom or roommate had always had. Who knew pots and pans were so expensive?! And not realizing I didn't have soap to wash my hands with until I used the bathroom in my new apartment for the first time.

That day, though. That day when I stepped out of my window onto the roof of the restaurant that was connected and right below my feet. I didn’t know it at this point in my life yet, but that roof would be where I finally learned to love myself.

I walked over to the edge, overlooking the town square, looking across the street at the courthouse, at the small local pub on the corner, just taking in every single significant breath of this moment. Alone. I remember feeling so content that I was alone and embarking on what I knew to be the beginning of MY life. I had started a new job, gotten my own place, and was 'making' it. Alone. That day I was alone and I was happy.

I will forever remember that day as being when I knew I would be more. I would become more than my regrets. More than what has happened to me. More than the choices I have made.

I felt as though I had this new inner strength that came with that key to that apartment. I left what no longer made me happy and stepped into a new life that I had created on my own without you. That day I remember thinking that I no longer needed to be that person that I had been for the past 4 years. I did not have to be her anymore. I could be my own, new person.

I had made some choices and done some things that I regret. I had hurt people I dearly loved, but also been hurt by people who said they would never do anything to make me cry. I had also been hurt in a way that changed the essence of my being. I will forever be altered and see the world differently because someone hurt my soul.

That day. I will forever remember that day as being when I knew I would be more. I would become more than my regrets. More than what has happened to me. More than the choices I have made. I still have time to make up for the wrongs I have done and the people I have hurt. And I also have time to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made. That was one of the best days of my life. And it happened while I was alone. That was the day I truly knew that I was about to fall deeply in love. Deeply in love with myself. Deeply in love with my life and with opportunity. With the possibility of what could be. That day I wasn't scared of the future.

As I sit here now by myself on a rainy Wednesday night, I realize that on that day I also subconsciously let go of you. Because the next time you came into my life, I realized that the roof that I stood on that night was not meant for fighting. That roof was not meant to sit out there and catch tears. The girl on that roof deserves love and happiness. The girl on that roof wants to fight for herself. Not for that relationship, not for you.

She was finally realizing how perfectly awesome her life could be without you. She held that key to her future full of true, unconditional, love. And not with you.  TC mark