Thought Catalog


Please, Do Not Love Me

Posted: 08 Apr 2016 08:00 PM PDT

Aaron Anderson
Aaron Anderson

Do not love me, I ask, for my insides are like wilted flowers; I’m dried up and broken and pieces of me fall away in the darkness of night.

Do not love me for I’m not sure how much I have left to give or if I’m fixable at all. And I fear my chipped away soul will cause the hollowness in yours.

Do not love me because my loneliness will make you ache in places you didn’t know you could ache. And my damaged reflection will burn holes in your eyes until eventually you’re blinded to my imperfections.

Do not love me for I will stain your skin with the blood of my insecurities until they are a part of you, too.

Do not love me because my mind is a haunted place, it screams and it grabs and it taunts. It does not relent.

Do not love me because I’ll lock you inside the gates of my tormented thoughts and they’ll swallow you until there’s nothing left.

Do not love me because my love for you cannot be pure, it cannot be selfless nor kind. It cannot be free. My love for you will be a challenge, a curse, all of things you wish to escape but you can’t because my love is like poison and there’s no going back.

Do not love me because I cannot bear the look on your face when you see me at my most raw, my most vulnerable. I cannot have you look at me the way I do, or try to understand the tangled mess of my heart.

Do not love me because I cannot promise you it’ll be easy, that you’ll always like me or have the patience to work with the demons which dance around inside my head. I cannot promise that my crazy will match yours or my good days will be enough to overcome the bad.

Do not love me because I cannot handle the day when you don’t anymore. When you’re tired of fighting for me and pulling me back from the edge. When you lose all hope for us because I’m always picking fights over things I’ve made up in my head.

Do not love me, I ask, because I am not enough. TC mark

I Think I’m Supposed To Hate You, But I Know I Never Will

Posted: 08 Apr 2016 07:00 PM PDT

lauren rushing
lauren rushing

Everything about summer makes me think of you.

The heat, the drinks, the way my skin smells salty and my feet will never be clean. All of it seems to seep out of me and spell your name.

Every weekend for three months we would drive up to your family’s lake house. We’d blur by the tiny towns along the drive singing along to country songs on the radio, wearing sunglasses that would inevitably get broken or lost, and push forward at 80 miles an hour towards our own little oasis. I would always complain about being too hot even if the windows were down and immediately jump into the water upon arrival, and you’d be right behind me.

But at the end of this sunny drive, there was no lake at the end. And there was no you. There was only heat, only sweat, and only the knowledge that we’re in the same city again but I can’t call you.

Everything about adventure reminds me of you.

Spontaneity, risk taking, just making a decision and sticking to it no matter the consequences. Everything about just doing something for the sake of doing it brings back your blonde hair and your smokey voice and it’s like you’re right in front of me again.

We were so impulsive, reckless, admittedly to a fault. We would spend money we didn’t have and stay up later than we should’ve all in the name of having a good time. There’s a permanent reminder of my summer of impulsivity on my side and every time trace my own ribs with my fingers I secretly wish I remembered how your thumbs felt sliding up my back.

Everything about Los Angeles feels like you.

The bustle, the dreams, the way I fall asleep to a breeze that doesn’t quite feel tranquil but instead feels like it’s trying to wake me up. All of it seems to be whispering in my ear to make me miss you.

LA seems to have a certain sort of energy that makes people doubt themselves. Maybe it’s because everyone comes here to be something, someone. But it seems to have a looming sense of “why you” over it.

It matches everything you were to a t.

You were the first person I ever loved who made me doubt myself and my decisions. And I think I’m supposed to hate you for it. I’m supposed to curse your name, blame you for my problematic summer and my fear of driving to fast. I’m supposed to instinctually flinch when people yell and label myself a survivor of you. I’m supposed to never search for you or think about calling you or wonder what would happen if I turned around on Melrose and saw you staring back.

Instead I’m sitting here with my beginning of summer freckles, thinking about jumping into the ocean, and remembering what it felt like to love you. Because everything about summer, and adventures, and being in California makes me think of you even after years of trying to forget.

And secretly I’m hoping that somewhere out there, in a city of millions and dreams, you’re thinking about me too. TC mark

I’m A Work Of Art, Not A Piece Of Meat

Posted: 08 Apr 2016 06:00 PM PDT

Sophia Sinclair
Sophia Sinclair

"Please, don't grab my ass."

"Don't grab my ass."

"Stop touching me."

If you're a woman, the chances are high that you've repeated those very words on multiple occasions. And that's upsetting.

These words have led me to the sad realization that my body is no longer mine. My body is something I live in, and it's something I take care of but not for my benefit; society has manipulated us into feeling that we need to do things for men. Could it be crazy that I am taking care of myself to, I don't know, make myself feel better? Sorry, boys, but I'm not doing squats to have an ass for you to grab, but so I can feel confident while strutting down the beach in my bikini. And my cleavage-baring shirt was mainly purchased because it was on sale, but also because I felt confident enough to show a little skin.

Very often we forget that it's okay to do little things to make ourselves feel better. Many of the changes I make to my appearance are for my benefit, and because I want to look good so I can essentially feel good. I do not dress up for men. I do not wear makeup for men. I do not curl my hair for men. And I most definitely don't wear heels for men (I do that so I can tower over them). I do these things for ME. They make ME feel good. They make ME feel confident. I want to take care of myself for ME. I do not want to be a lustful object at the bar; I don't want to be an object at all.

When I go out, I want to enjoy myself and not feel as though I am being showcased for the men surrounding me. When I go out I am trying to enjoy my time with my friends. I work two jobs and am a full-time student, so my nights out with my friends are my only nights out. I don't want to spend these nights feeling objectified by drunk guys at the bar looking for the next fuck, and I sure as hell don't want to spend my night smacking guy's hands off my ass or hips because they felt the need to touch me as they passed by.

But, aside from the fact that I constantly feel uncomfortable at the bar scene, I am constantly gawked at by men of all ages in all public situations. I will be at school or work and I am constantly being objectified. Men stare at my long legs and (lack of) cleavage, hoping that I will feel proud that they found me desirable. But no, they're very wrong. I am not flattered that these men are too busy fantasizing about unclasping my bra to even consider asking what my name is.

I am a woman, but most importantly I am a human. I deserve respect.

I should be respected enough that I shouldn't have to ask three times for someone to stop touching me. The first time is one time too many because I shouldn't have my ass grabbed without my consent in the first place. Imagine if I were to grab a guy's dick in public. A travesty! How violating! A woman should never act that way in public and make a man feel uncomfortable by grabbing his private area! But, a guy grabbing a girl's ass? Why even worry? She probably was asking for it.

Now, not only do we have to remind guys not to touch us but it is ingrained in our minds that we need to always be on our toes to fight off any creeps that grab us as if we are the last piece of pizza after their long night of creeping at the bar. We feel a constant fear of what's hidden in the shadows, even during the day, because women will always be perceived as weaker and easier to attack. Numerous times I have been escorted to my car on a Tuesday night, because I am an easy target even at 8 p.m. in a dimly-lit parking lot. It is shameful to live in a society where I will never feel safe, no matter the scenario.

What is even worse than constantly being fearful of being grabbed and objectified, is men feeling a sense of empowerment. Casual conversation quickly becomes a moment for them to find ways for us to show our "titties." And no, this is not even an exaggeration. A guy actually thought it was okay to ask to see my drunk friend's breasts in exchange for alcohol, because her cleavage was not clearly enough for him to gawk at (it only counts if you saw nipple, am I right, guys?). Being the empowered, and slightly pissed off, woman that I am, I stepped in and did the ladylike thing: demanded he drop his pants so I could see his member. What was that countered with? He rudely called me a bitch, then continued to demand he see the "titties." His reaction to my demand explicitly states the double standards in our society.

Now, I don't want to seem like some man-hater, because it's not true. I know there are many respectable men in the world, but unfortunately I haven't encountered very many of them. When living our lives, we often get caught up in the moment and neglect our true values. Because of this we often tend to forget that people around us mean the world to their friends and families.

Just as these strangers are important, I am important as well. Before you grab my ass, think about your sister having to combat creepy men on her way to the bathroom, because even traveling in packs isn't enough to scare them away. Stop looking at women as if we are sex objects, but instead try to look at us as people. We are your sisters, your mothers, your cousins, your best friends, your bosses, your coworkers, your teachers. The list can go on.

So, fellas, the next time you grab that girl's ass imagine a random guy grabbing your sister's ass. Angry, yet? Now you know how we feel when you grab our asses without our consent. For this objectification to end, we all need to work together and understand that our anger should not be taken as an insult, but rather as a reason for change. We should be working towards raising our future daughter that they do not need to live in fear of men, and we should work on raising our future sons to respect all women they may encounter. TC mark

I Resent My Husband For Being So Horny For Me Because I Got Skinny

Posted: 08 Apr 2016 05:00 PM PDT

Wendy Liu
Wendy Liu

I never thought I'd say this, but I just had a remarkable evening of mind-blowing sex with my husband and I'm not happy about it.

He's been all over me lately, groping me in the hallway, rubbing suggestively against my backside in the early morning hours. Tonight he grabbed my wrist as I walked past our bedroom, pulled me inside and then shoved me up against the wall. Caught off-guard, I didn't have a chance against his skillful fingers as they tugged my panties down to my ankles.

When it was all said and done, our sweat-covered bodies lying tangled across the bed, we giggled over the range of grunts and squeals our lovemaking had produced. The he nuzzled my ear and said, "Sorry baby, I don't know what came over me. I've just been crazy for you lately. I must have spring fever."

And just like that, my good mood plummeted down to rest beside his flaccid penis.

I know why he's crazy for me right now. It isn't spring fever. It's the 8 inches I've lost from my hips and waist over the last few weeks, carved out during my new daily exercise routine and a rather dictatorial weight watchers points system.

Despite ten years together, two children, and multiple moves, despite an endless array of events that have broken down our barriers and brought us closer together as a couple, despite all of that, my physical appearance still has the ability to make or break our sex life.

Now we're having the best sex of our lives, and I'm not happy about it. I honestly don't know whether his affection is rooted in my shrinking waist size and healthier appearance, or in my own newfound confidence and willingness to show myself naked.

I don't know if I should blame him for being superficial. His mouth says he loves me no matter what I look like, but his erection says otherwise. A few less pounds here, some extra ab definition there and suddenly our condom drawer is running on empty.

Maybe the problem is me. I'm all, "Rah rah, love yourself, body acceptance, blah blah," in public, but put me behind a set of closed doors and I'm undressing my perceived fat self in the dark depths of my closet. If I don't love me, how could anyone else?

I have changed shapes through my babies, through weight gain and loss but he hasn't. He is always the same, and can't even begin to grasp what I'm going through. Maybe he is just enjoying getting a new me with each iteration of my dress size.

Now skinnier me is knocking boots near daily, experiencing multiple orgasms and a giant side order of guilt and worry. Either I'm an asshole, or he's an asshole, and every moan of pleasure is a stark reminder.TC mark

30 Sensual Songs For Your Sex Playlist That Will Get You In The Mood

Posted: 08 Apr 2016 04:00 PM PDT

YouTube / Maroon5VEVO
YouTube / Maroon5VEVO

Music has a way of putting you in a certain mood, and these songs know just how to get you in THE mood. Here are 30 songs you need on your sex playlist to spice things up.

1. Any (and every) song by Maroon 5.

Because the only thing sexier than Adam Levine himself, is his voice. One More Night is perfect for makeup sex, while Animals is great when you can't keep your hands off each other. Just skip Moves like Jagger and you can't go wrong.

2. “Birthday Sex” by Jeremih.

Because sex on your birthday is a non-negotiable.

3. “Promiscuous” by Nelly Furtado (ft Timbaland).

Perfect for when you are being, you know, promiscuous.

4. “I Want Your Sex” by George Michael.

Because if you don't think about him getting caught in a public restroom, this song is pretty damn sexy.

5. “Sexy Can I” by Ray J.

Manners are sexy, thanks for asking first Ray J.

6. “Whatever You Like” by T.I.

'Cause rubber-band banks in your pocket are a major turn on.

7. “I Touch Myself” by Divinyls.

For those times, more often than not, when you just end up having sex with yourself.

8. “I Wanna Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd.

Tick tock you don't stop.

9. “How Does It Feel” by D'Angelo.

As Larry David would say, it feels "pretty, pretty, pretty good".

10. “Ignition” by R. Kelly.

Hot and fresh out the kitchen. Or in the kitchen, whatevs.

11. “Hotel” by Cassidy (ft R. Kelly).

Because for whatever reason hotel sex is always better than sex at home.

12. “5 O'Clock” by T-Pain (ft Lily Allen and Wiz Khalifa).

For when it's late and you can't sleep so you might as well have sex.

13. “Lollipop” by Lil Wayne.

Because sometimes bj's are necessary and we can use a little encouragement.

14. “I'll Make Love to You” by Boyz II Men.

This cheesiness should be reserved for special occasions like your wedding night.

15. “By Your Side” by Sade.

Ok seriously, this shit is good anytime.

16. “Sure Thing” by Miguel.

Because Miguel sounds like he is having sex while he's singing.

17. “Your Body Is a Wonderland” by John Mayer.

For your first time with someone new, when you are still "discovering" each other.

18. “You're Beautiful” by James Blunt.

For when you finally find that girl/guy on Craigslist's "Missed Connections" and you make sweet, sweet love to them.

19. “I Invented Sex” by Trey Songz.

Because hopefully it really is that good.

20. “Neighbors Know My Name” by Trey Songz.

Because, #lifegoals.

21. “Climax” by Usher.

Because it's the part we have all been waiting for.

22. “Pony” by Ginuwine.

You're horny? Let's do it!

23. “Let's Go” by Matt and Kim.

For when you are having sex with a hipster.

24. “Wiggle” by Jason Derulo (ft Snoop Dogg).

Cause you know what to do with that big fat butt.

25. “Stay With Me” by Sam Smith.

For when you want to turn your one night stand into something more.

26. “Every Breath You Take” by The Police.

For when you finally give in and have sex with your stalker.

27. “Slow Motion” by Juvenile.

Sometimes you need to slow things down a bit because you are tired from working all week.

28. “Make You Feel My Love” by Adele.

For when words can't express your feelings and you need to show them.

29. “The New Workout Plan” by Kanye.

Because you will give your best performance for fear of Kanye showing up and saying you didn't do it right.

30. “Freak Me” by Silk.

Because this song was made to play while having sex. Now go get freaky! TC mark

11 Twists On Classic Romantic Comedy Clichés Only Millenials Can Appreciate

Posted: 08 Apr 2016 03:00 PM PDT

Say Anything
Say Anything

1.

Old School Cliche: Strong, independent, loveless female protagonist works at a magazine or cable news station. Wears grey pantsuits and slicked back low bun.

Today: Strong, independent, loveless female protagonist works as a blogger or a freelance writer—90% of the movie shows her furiously typing in coffee shops. She wears glasses, but at no point in the movie does she ever take them off to look hot.


2.

Old School Cliche: Male protagonist works as an architect, wears a leather jacket.

Today: Male protagonist created some app and will not stop fucking promoting it on his social media. He's shaved the sides of head, wears a lot of concert t-shirts.


3.

Old School Cliche: One of the characters is a total klutz and can't stop falling all over the place.

Today: One of the character is just sooooooo bad at texting and always accidentally likes old Instagram photos.


4.

Old School Cliche: Male protagonist stands outside his girlfriend's window with a boombox playing "In Your Eyes."

Today: Female protagonist receives an Instagram notification that her boyfriend just publicly named her his #WomanCrushWednesday and even used that selfie they took together where she looks way hotter than he does.


5.

Old School Cliche: The male protagonist expects a little extra romance after he pays the check for dinner.

Today: Female protagonist just shoots him a Venmo transaction to cover half the bill so he'll stop harassing her.


6.

Old School Cliche: The two leads meet at a book store/ in a bar/ at a wedding/ in an elevator.

Today: Female's friends are totally grossed out that "some guy" just walked up to her in public and tried to start a conversation with her.


7.

Old School Cliche: One of the leads suggests grabbing a casual bite to eat at a pizza place nearby that happens to be open later than 2am.

Today: Neither of them can actually eat at that pizza place because he's, like, almost done with his juice cleanse and she's just set her record for four days straight without gluten.


8.

Old School Cliche: In an effort to get over her ex, the female protagonist undergoes a makeover montage that shows her shopping furiously for a new wardrobe, going on the elliptical, and getting her hair done.

Today: Female protagonist figures out how to work the lighting so that the shadows in her selfies really accentuate her cleavage. #Nofilter.


9.

Old School Cliche: Ex-lovers bump into each other on the streets of New York after years of not seeing each other. They decide to rekindle their romance.

Today: Ex-lovers come across each other on Facebook's People You May Know and consider sending a friend request. Ultimately, they both decide that they don't want it to seem like they're "trying too hard."


10.

Old School Cliche: Woman in the office is a Cool Girl because she eats burgers, but has a body shape of a 12 year old boy. She loves football.

Today: Woman in the office is a Cool Girl because she shows no emotions, only drinks whiskey, is fine with joining the guys on a trip to the strip club, and has as a tattoo of a bird on her left shoulder blade. She probably has baby bangs.


11.

Old School Cliche: Male lead is nervous and sort of dorky—but the female finds it incredibly endearing and sweet. Probably because he's Hugh Grant and has an accent.

Today: Male lead is rendered entirely inept when it comes to initiating interesting conversations on Tinder. He's included the emoji of the British flag in his bio (which has gotten him a confidence-boosting amount of matches), but he can't seem to get through to the female lead that he's not a cold-hearted asshole who's ignoring her texts. TC mark

Sweet Girl, These Are The 13 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Saying Yes

Posted: 08 Apr 2016 02:00 PM PDT

debowscyfoto
debowscyfoto

1. Does he make your heart skip?

When you reach your phone and there's a text from him, when you see his car pull into the driveway, does your heart feel like a little bouncy ball in your chest?

2. Can you count on him? I mean, really count on him?

When it's three in the morning and you're terrified from a bad dream, can you wake him up to tell him about it? When your car runs out of gas for the second time on the side of 59th Street, will he be the first person you call? Will he be there? No matter what?

3. Does he treat you like you're both fragile and strong?

Will he bandage your papercuts with a father-like tenderness? Will he boast in your accomplishments? Will he let you be alone and carry your own weight, but still kiss your forehead like you're something precious?

4. Does he love the people you love?

Not every single one, not in the same way, but does he see the good in your mother, accept the toughness of your father, appreciate your great uncle's semi-inappropriate jokes? Will he do his best to blend into your family, to claim them as his own?

5. Does he listen with his eyes?

And look at you when you speak, even if it's mumbling about your feelings, or complaining about your boss, or gossiping about the lady down the street? Does he give you eye contact and really invest in the words you share?

6. Is he who you can imagine yourself with, every step and phase and future moment?

Can you see yourself with children or traveling the world hand-in-hand? Can you see yourself sharing milkshakes at the diner by the lake, or singing in the shower? Can you imagine your miscarriage, or the lay-off from his job, or the car accident—and is he by your side, your other half, your partner?

7. Can he be humble when he's wrong?

When you've locked yourself in the room across the hall, will he tip-toe over, knock softly, and whisper his apologies through the hole of the handle?

8. Will he treat the world with tenderness?

Not only you, but your future children, the baby duckling that lost its mother, the boy who broke your window with his baseball? Will he be kind-hearted and forgiving, loving and patient?

9. Will he be your one-woman man?

And never let you doubt his loyalty?

10. Does he make you a better you?

When you're with him, do you feel even more powerful, beautiful, and proud? Does he challenge you, push you, strengthen you?

11. Can you love his imperfections?

He's human. Do you see his flaws, and love him in spite of them?

10. Is he him?

The one? The one? Who is better than you even dreamed of, wished for? Is this it? Are you so incredibly excited? Because you should be. TC mark

10 Things I Learned While Falling Out Of Love

Posted: 08 Apr 2016 01:00 PM PDT

b.p.r.y
b.p.r.y

It's okay to be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable is in our core essence as human beings. Why do people resist it? It is beyond me. I find vulnerability healthy. Not only healthy, it's beautiful. Part of it maybe because I like real people and real people have insecurities, real people have emotions and weaknesses.

It's okay to cry.

No matter how much your ego is telling you not to. Crying is relieving. I found crying – yes, in front of the boyfriend I am breaking up with – to be freeing. He knew I was hurting, he knew I was weak. I couldn't hide it from him and why would I? I loved him and he also knew that, it's only human of me to be hurt.

It's okay to talk about things.

You are not dwelling if you talk to your ex about things during the break up. Get your closure – do not accept to go out of his life without a closure. That could go a long way in helping you heal.

It's okay if you want to stay home.

You don't have to listen to your friends forcing you out of bed because you 'need to be distracted'. I am fundamentally against this concept. After so much time being with someone, it can be rewarding to spend time alone. And especially when you don't enjoy your own company around people. Take your time. Yes, do the occasional outing with the girls – preferably don't go clubbing, have some quality time. Talk about your feelings and how you are seeing things. You have no idea how cheering some quality time with yourself or your close ones can be.

Train your brain.

I think this is the most valuable advice I could ever give you. We, as human beings, tend to blind ourselves in love. And when you are in a relationship – it might be okay. But once you break up, you need to remove those blinds and remind yourself of the reality of things. I am not encouraging you to convince yourself of things to numb the pain. No. But every day, every time he crosses your mind, remind yourself of the things you didn't like about him. The things that brought you apart.  The things you would've never compromised on had you not been in love. And do not make him a monster in the process, we all have good and bad things. His just didn't fit yours. Say it to yourself, say it out loud to others.

Believe everything happens for a reason.

Because everything does. Whatever pain you are feeling right now, it will go away and you will grow from this. And something good will come out of it. You will learn something, you will meet people, and you will grow. That is the one thing I know for sure.

Be aware.

Observe what is making you feel better and what is making you feel worse. It can be surprising. Talking to him might make you feel better, crying might make you feel better. Going out might not. Shopping might help. Not eating might be self-rewarding for you. It differs from a person to another. Watching series. Helping other people with their relationships. The list endless – observe and reiterate.

Don't rush into making statements and decisions.

But if you did – it is still okay when you change your mind. You could swear off British men, you could decide you want to get married. Or decide you want to go wild. You could decide to stay friends with him or cut cords for good. Try not to rush into making these decisions straight after a break up – and don't give promises to your ex. You don't want anything to keep you connected to this person emotionally. And a promise, no matter how irrelevant with time, will be an emotional connection.

Seek out friends' advice but listen only to your inner voice.

Your experiences are different from any other human on earth. You knew your ex better than anybody else. You also know yourself better than anybody else. Don't let others distort your mission even if it's out of good intentions.

No matter how peaceful the break-up, staying friends is a NO-NO.

We've all been there, we've all believed at one point or another that we can be friends with our exs. I'm not here to tell you that you can't, I've seen it happen so many times. But, if you are going to be successful at being friends, you need a period of detachment, of no contact. No matter how long it takes, once you've moved on, once you are able to see him and not feel weak in the knees, once your thought process detaches from what he would think or what he would say or how he would have reacted to this or that, that's when you can be friends him.

Embrace.

Embrace every phase of your recovery. Embrace the grief, the crying. Embrace the denial. Embrace the need for loneliness. Embrace the anger. Embrace your rebellion. Embrace the attention from new men. Embrace flirting. Embrace your friends' support. Embrace every step and learn and grow.

Most importantly, it's also okay to love again.

Yes, there will be a post break up period where you are disgusted from men. There might be another period where you see men as ego boost tools. But when you meet someone amazing and you start feeling those familiar feelings again, don't push it away, don't run. And I say when not if.

If I had to choose one thing to believe in – it would be love. TC mark

7 Things I Look For In A Man To Be The Father Of My Children

Posted: 08 Apr 2016 11:00 AM PDT

jane.hewitt271
jane.hewitt271

Your 20s are meant to be your selfish years. Or at least that's what all these publications aimed at Gen-Y and millennials promote.

Because of this oh so prevalent mentality, a lot of young men and women our age turn their heads away from settling down and all that comes with it.

"I'll do it eventually" and "I'm living in the now" are two of the most common arguments we hear when the question of marriage comes up.

You guys can keep that.

It's crucial to have fun and be free while you still can, but I'm all for being properly prepared for that next chapter in life. And when it comes to choosing the guy who'll eventually father my children, here are 7 qualities he'll have to possess:

He places me at the top of his list of priorities.

I don't date for the hell of it. I look to the future. So chances are if I'm still dating a guy after a year, I can see him being not only my husband, but the father of my children. If I'm one of his priorities now, then this will probably carry on to the moment he adds life to the eggs in my ovaries. Pregnant women require even more attention and care, so that trait must be shown from the get go.

He doesn't need a second mother.

I love to cook and I don't mind cleaning. But if a time comes when I can't or don't feel like doing either, I'd like to know that my partner's got it handled. He's adult enough to maintain the household and do his own damn laundry. This is a joint venture, not a reenactment of gender roles from the 60s.

He responds well to open and honest communication.

Communication is key to maintaining a healthy, long-lasting relationship. So when there's an issue, I like to address it when it first arises. I'd like the same respect on his end. Having kids can totally change the climate of the relationship – maybe the romance has become lackluster or we have no time to ourselves. It's up to both parties to address any concerns as they come along.

He views our relationship as a partnership.

Relationships aren't 50/50. Why half-ass something you want to last forever? We're in this together; I have your back, you have mine. And when our mini-me is hitting high notes at 3 AM, it's reassuring to know that you're there to help.

He keeps calm in the midst of a crisis.

So many things can go wrong when parenting: injuries, infections, explosive diarrhea. So if he's able to stay calm during the storm— even before the topic of children comes along—then he'll probably make a great father. From mood swings and cravings to the day my water breaks, I need a guy who doesn't crack under pressure.

We share some of the same world views.

Each of us is entitled to his or her opinion. But it's equally important to have similar stances on life. We may disagree on home décor, movies, and sports teams, but when it comes to how we raise our children, we have to be on the same page. Religious views, politics and how we'll discipline our kids are a few things that probably shouldn't be overlooked.

He knows that family comes first.

Point. Blank. Period. How we treat our families now influence how we'll manage our own in the future. Jobs are lost, money disappears and friendships fade with time. Family is forever, and so are the tiny humans we create as a result of our love. Family takes precedence over all things frivolous, and my future children will need a father figure who demonstrates just that. TC mark

50 Short Corny Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

Posted: 08 Apr 2016 10:00 AM PDT

Daniella Urdinlaiz
Daniella Urdinlaiz

1. What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don’t look! I’m about to change.

2. Why was the little strawberry crying?

His mom was in a jam.

3. What do you call a nosy pepper?

Jalapeño business.

4. Why are frogs are so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them.

5. How do you befriend a squirrel?

Just act like a nut.

6. Have you heard about the corduroy pillow?

No? Really? It's making headlines!

7. Why did the jaguar eat the tightrope walker?

It was craving a well-balanced meal.

8. What did the big bucket say to the smaller one?

Lookin’ a little pail there.

9. Why do chicken coups always have two doors?

With four, they'd be chicken sedans.

10. What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here. I'll go on ahead.

11. Why did the lifeguard kick the elephants out of the pool?

They kept dropping their trunks.

12. What do you call a pony with a cough?

A little hoarse.

13. What do you do if someone thinks an onion is the only food that can make them cry?

Throw a coconut at their face.

14. What do you call a man with no arms or legs wading in a pool?

Bob.

15. What do cows most like to read?

Cattle-logs.

16. How does a duck buy lipstick?

She just puts it on her bill.

17.

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

18. What did the cop say to his stomach?

Stop! I've got you under a vest!

19. What do you call a snowman on a hot day?

Puddle.

20. What do you do with a sick boat?

Take is to the doc already.

21. What did the rubber band factory worker say when he was fired?

Oh, snap!

22. What do you do when you see a spaceman?

Park your car, man.

23. What did one shark say to the other as he ate a clownfish?

Well this tastes a little funny.

24. What do you do with epileptic lettuce?

Make a seizure salad.

25. What did the older chimney say to the younger one?

But you're way too young to smoke!

26. Who do call when the ocean needs a little cleaning?

A mermaid, of course.

27. What do you call a bee that's having a bad hair day?

Frisbee.

28. Which plant rules the garden?

The dande-lion.

29. Why did the skeleton hit the party solo?

He had no body to go with him.

30. What does the cobbler say when a cat wanders into his shop?

Shoe!

31. Why was the poor guy selling yeast?

To raise some dough.

32. What's a firefly's favorite game?

Hide-and-glow-seek.

33. Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?

His mummy, of course.

34. What do you call a pooch living in Alaska?

A chilly dog.

35. Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed.

36. How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

37. Did you hear about that wedding?

It was in-tents.

38. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He could feel his presents.

39. What do baby kangaroos wear when it's cold out?

Jumpsuits.

40. What kind of music to chiropractors listen to?

Mostly hip-pop.

41. What's the most famous creature in the ocean?

The starfish.

42. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.

Do not read it!

43. What do ants get when they do all their chores?

An allow-ants.

44. Why don't skeletons watch scary movies?

They just don't have the guts.

45. What did one egg say to the other?

Eggs-cuse me, please.

46. What’s so bad about Russian dolls?

They're all so full of themselves.

47. Why doesn't anyone want to shave a crazy sheep?

Cause it's a baaaaaaaaaad idea.

48. What do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunderpants.

49. What does a farmer say after feeding a stick of dynamite to his steer?

Abominable! [A-bomb-in-a-bull}

50. Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?

Because he was a little shellfish. TC mark