Thought Catalog

I Doubt Myself The Most Late At Night

Posted: 30 Apr 2016 08:00 PM PDT

Paul Garaizar
Paul Garaizar

When the distractions are few and far between. When I’ve moved past the mind-numbing Netflix stage and into the let’s-spend-an-hour-trying-to-fall-asleep phase. When I close my eyes and try to let everything get quiet, only to have my mind get louder. When I think about everything I wanted to get done today and then everything that I failed to get done today. When I think about where my life is and how it’s progressed compared to the progression of my peers. When I spend way too much time thinking about random conversations I had today with random people or even close friends – conversations that they probably thought about for zero time after it was over, but that I am still thinking over now – because I am picking out all the stupid things I said and thinking about how much the other person was probably judging me.

And the logical part of my brain knows that this is all silly. The logical part of my brain knows that I still got a lot done today, that I’m still working hard, that I’m still on the way to making my life something, anything. The logical part of my brain tells me to think about the conversations I have with people and how I never spend any time dissecting what they said or how “stupid” or “weird” I thought they were, so why would I assume they think any differently? The logical part of my brain knows all of this during the day. It’s the only reason I have the energy to keep going after what I want.

But there’s something about lying under the covers at night. And staring up at the ceiling. And being totally alone with your thoughts – even if there’s someone sleeping right beside you. There’s something about this moment that allows the ugly part of your brain to take over for an instant, or a while. Because this ugly part knows that it’s too late for anyone to intercede.

It’s the cruel part of us that is hardest to live with when it’s late at night. When that darkness inside of us senses that the world is asleep and we are alone and now is the time to start inflicting doubt, insecurity, fear, and stress. We’re wired to fight for what we want, to pursue greatness, to go after our biggest dreams, to connect with other human beings and allow them to carry us in the moments when we can’t carry ourselves. But there’s a dark part inside of us too, that each one of us has to fight, a dark part that is wired for self-destruction. And this dark part comes out of me at night, when it knows it has a better chance, when I am too tired and worn out to tell it to shut up and there’s no one there to shut it up for me.

And this is when I doubt myself. When I envy the daylight version of me, who seems so much more capable of dealing with these feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt than the nighttime version of me. The daylight version of me can address the occasional onslaught of insecurity and fears of mediocrity because she refuses to let it stop her from getting what she wants, but the nighttime version of me is paralyzed and weighed down with thoughts of what if? and how will I ever make this work? and what am I even doing? 

Some nights are worse than others. Sometimes I can fall asleep in an instant and other times I will lie awake for three hours wondering how I got myself to the place I am now and wondering if it was all just a lucky fluke.

But this self-doubt does not have a finish line or a place I can get to in my life where it will simply stop. I am learning that more and more each day – that this is not a phase I just have to get through, but rather a mindset that I have to learn to work around. And surprisingly enough, I feel it even more intensely each time I experience success.

What I am learning to do is to deal with it. To acknowledge that it is a powerful sentiment but that it does not have to rule my decisions or my mindset or my actions. And what I find most comforting of all is that I am not alone in this cruel, uncomfortable, late-night self-doubt. It is one of the things that has made me feel the most connected to those that I have spoken to about it.

We all have this dark monster instead of us, and for a lot of us, it comes out late at night. When it knows it will have you all to itself and it can set your brain on fire with all the reasons why you are a disappointment or a failure or even just a bummer.

There is no magic cure or simple solution. But remember this: it is a sign, a token, that you are human. That you feel things that millions before you have felt in one way or another. That you are connected to the rest of us, past and present and future, because you must work around this dark part in order to keep going. Remember that while you are lying awake late at night, seemingly alone, you are in fact the exact opposite. The dark part of you is dark, but it’s also a bridge to the souls all around you. TC mark

I Don’t Want Someone To Fall In Love With My Beauty, I Want Someone To Fall In Love With My Scars

Posted: 30 Apr 2016 07:00 PM PDT


I don't want someone to fall in love with my smile, I want someone to fall in love with my tears, and the stories they hold. I want someone to understand the pain behind each tear and understand the tears behind each smile.

I don't want someone to fall in love with my laugh, I want someone to fall in love with my silence. With the thoughts that haunt me alone at night when the world gets quiet and the room gets dark and my mind starts to wonder about all what's wrong with the world, all what's wrong with my life and all what's wrong with me. I want someone to fall in love with the echoes of my silence.

I don't want someone to fall in love with my face, I want someone to fall in love with my eyes, to see how deep they are and learn their secret language. I want someone to walk into them fearlessly and see the world through my eyes. See what I gaze at, what makes me blink, and what makes me want to close my eyes, but what I really want is for that someone to see how I look at him– how I lovingly look at him.

I don't want someone to fall in love with my lips, I want someone to fall in love with my words. The words I speak so softly when I am fragile and the words I blurt out bluntly when I'm angry. The filler words I use when I don't know what to say and the profound words I use when I am  pouring my heart out; spilling all my secrets and slowly handing the keys to my heart one by one.

I don't want someone to fall in love with my normality, I want someone to fall in love with my absurdity. My unusual quirks, my peculiar habits and my bizarre tastes. How I sometimes have unrealistic expectations and how I sometimes have idealistic dreams. I want someone to see the simplicity in my complexity and see the wisdom in my madness. I want someone to see the correlation in my contradiction.

I don't want someone to fall in love with my beauty, I want someone to fall in love with my scars. Because it's those scars that makes me who I am, it's those scars that helped me realize what I want, it's those scars that show that I've been broken because of love, and it's those scars that helped me love again. Those scars are the reason why I can still love even if it hurts, they're the reason why I'm still searching even if I'll never find that special someone – those scars will be the main reason why I'll understand his scars and I’ll know how to heal them and how to love them.

Because I don't want to love someone who has never been bruised before; I don't want to fall in love with someone for their beauty, I want to fall in love with what makes them beautiful.  TC mark

You Lied When You Said You Cared About Me

Posted: 30 Apr 2016 06:00 PM PDT

Jérôme Licht
Jérôme Licht

You lasted as long as you did because I have trouble giving up.

I normally see the worst in people. With you it was different, I chose to see the best. Constantly, I chose to see the good, which is funny because the good was hardly there.

It was a manipulation, you showed up when you knew you had to. You said what you needed to say, did what you needed to do, but only the minimum. Always only the minimum. You learned just enough about me to know what I needed to believe in you, to know what I needed to hear.

And I fell for it all, for the first time in a long time I decided to trust someone besides myself.

And all I was believing were lies.

You lied when you said I was important, when you said you cared, when you said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, when you said you couldn't live without me.

But if I was important to you, you would have showed me. If you cared about me, you would have been there for me. If you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, you would have fought for me. If you couldn't live without me, you would have done anything to save us.

I said you were important, and I showed you every day.

I said that I cared, and I cared so much I nearly destroyed myself.

I said that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and I lied.

When I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you I didn't realize I was talking to a liar.I thought I was saying these words to someone who I could trust, when it turns out I was saying these words to someone who never existed.

I built you up in my mind. I created you out of the things you said on a whim that I took to heart.

I opened up to you and you left me alone.

Maybe you thought you could string me along, ignoring me and using me for attention when it was convenient for you.

But what you didn't count on was how strong I am. You didn't count on me knowing how to walk away when there was nothing left for me. You didn't count on the fact that I would realize you weren't enough for me.

You didn't count on me realizing that no matter how much I wanted you, you didn't deserve me.

Walking away from you may have been one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I don't regret it because you're a liar.

And I don't have time to care about people who use me at their convenience.

I said I couldn't live without you, and I lied. TC mark

50 Types of Sex Women Actually Want To Have

Posted: 30 Apr 2016 05:00 PM PDT

Ona Artist
Ona Artist

1. Long, sweet hugs that turn into sex.
2. Sex that starts with getting pushed against a wall.
3. Sex over the phone. Without emojis or grammatical errors.
4. Sex in the rain. It's like kissing in the rain, only better.
5. Sex where we're called beautiful instead of called a dirty little slut.
6. Sex with intense eye contact the entire time.
7. Sex with multiple orgasms.
8. Or really, sex with even just one orgasm.
9. Sex on a bed filled with rose petals.
10. Sex where he unhooks our bra on the first try.
11. Sex that makes us feel like the hottest woman on the planet.
12. Sex where the cat doesn't jump on the bed and interrupt.
13. Sex where he doesn't try to pressure us into anal.
14. Sex that only consists of oral. And we're the only one getting it.
15. Sex where he whimpers our name. Then screams it.
16. Sex that we actually initiated.
17. Sex where he doesn't act immature when we queef.
18. Sex with foreplay. Hours of it.
19. Sex in the middle of the boring scene of a rom-com.
20. Sex where he doesn't try any ridiculous porno moves.
21. Sex where he doesn't take two seconds to orgasm.
22. Sex where he doesn't take two hours to orgasm.
23. Sex with a vibrator.
24. Sex with soft man moans.
25. Sex with a shitload of sexual tension.
26. Slow sex with tender kisses on the lips.
27. Sex with clit action.
28. Sex where we look like a mess but are told we look majestic.
29. Sex where he actually pays attention to what turns us on and off.
30. Sex with another lady. We all want to try it.
31. Sex where he lets us keep the lights off, because we feel bloated.
32. Sex with lube. Enough to keep us comfortable.
33. Impromptu sex we didn't expect to have.
34. Sex in a bubble bath surrounded by candles.
35. Sex where he does all of the work.
36. Sex with someone who will actually call us the next day.
37. Sex on clean sheets that he just finished washing.
38. Sex in positions that don't break our back.
39. Sex where he actually stops when we tell him to stop.
40. Sex in public. A book store or library would be ideal.
41. Animalistic sex that makes the bed creak.
42. Sex overlooking the water.
43. Sex without roommates barging inside.
44. Sex where he agrees to use a condom the first time we ask.
45. Sex that ends with hours of cuddling.
46. Sex where we're lifted up in the air.
47. Secluded sex where we're free to make as much noise as we want.
48. Sex with our favorite song playing in the background.
49.Sex with a celebrity.
50. Sex with someone we're deeply, madly in love with. TC mark

I Found Myself When I Lost You

Posted: 30 Apr 2016 03:00 PM PDT


I found my voice when I lost your opinions.

I found my own truth, my own words, my certainty and my sanity. I found the freedom in expressing myself – I fell in love with my words again, when I took out your snide comments and your sharp looks, when I left your corrections and your reservations, when I remembered how much I loved talking nonsense or blabbing whatever comes to my mind. I remembered how much others loved my words, how others waited for me to utter one word and I finally started using them with all the right people. My words started having meaning when I stopped talking to you.

I found my passion when I lost your logic.

I found what my heart really beats for; I didn't care if it's right or wrong, if it's safe or dangerous, if it's what everyone is doing or what no one is doing, I just followed my heart until it found its home. My life started being much more than just a boring routine you set, much more than a set of rules you enforced and much more than just watching the news in the morning and watching movies at night. I found my heart when I kicked you out of it.

I found my friends when I lost your peers.

I found my people, the ones who get my wandering soul, the singers, the dancers, the story tellers and the rebels. The ones who appreciate the beauty of just sitting in silence watching the sunset or having conversations about the moon and the stars or anything that you thought was 'useless.' The most 'useless' I've ever felt was with you. I found my purpose when I pushed you out of my way. 

I found my identity when I lost your title.

I figured out what I want and what I don't want. I figured out who I want to be and where I want to live. I figured out that I like my style even if you didn't, I like how my clothes don't have to match and my hair doesn't have to be perfectly straight, I realized that I love being messy, I like chaos, I like things that don't have to be spectacular as long as they mesmerize me. I realized that I don't have to like things that sparkle because I found a way to shine anyway. I found my light when I left your darkness.

I found my path when I lost your direction.

I found my journey, the one that represents me, the one that reflects who I really am, the one that guides me to something more. It may not be the right way or the best way, but it is where I need to go, it's where I need to disappear and it's where I need to escape to find myself. Maybe your road is smoother and safer but my road inspires me, it makes me stop and ponder everything along the way, it makes me question myself and my life, it challenges me to find answers and disclose secrets. It makes me meet a lot of people who enlighten me, people who make me cry, people who make me laugh, people who betray me and people who would take a bullet for me.

My road is filled with adventure, your road will eventually hit a dead-end that leads to nowhere, but mine is full of side roads, shortcuts and highways, it’s endless. My road is not easy but it's vibrant – my road is full of life. I finally found my life when I lost yours. TC mark

How To Survive A Poetry Reading

Posted: 30 Apr 2016 02:00 PM PDT

Jordan Sanchez
Jordan Sanchez

Arrive noisily in the middle of someone reading. Say "I need a bottle opener," as you open the door. People will look over at you. Look apologetic but still whisper to the people around you, "Do you guys have a bottle opener?"

A freshman boy will be reading. He will be tall, blond, and gay­­­ which you only know because you've seen him on Tinder before. He'll say 'cock' three times within five minutes, his voice cracking the third time he says it. Everyone will look bored; either content in their boredom, or fiercely trying to pay attention and fend their boredom away. Try to match their expressions. Try your best to look studious and literary. How does one look studious and literary? Put one hand on your chin, with your elbow rested casually on your crossed legs. When other people laugh, simply squint and nod. You will notice how others laugh­­ all in a self­-conscious concentrated way; laughing because they get it­­ — they do! they really do!­ Not because anything is funny.

The next reader will be a white man with a beard and glasses and any other sartorialism one would associate with a straight male writing major who loves Hemingway and Libertarianism. He will ask uncomfortably before he begins if anyone has a joke. Nobody will. He will then announce that he will be reading two pieces: something old and something new. Mutter under your breath, "Something borrowed, something blue." The quiet, sullen boy sitting next to you will hear you and give you a concerned look. Drink more from your beer. Switch hands to rest your chin on. Recross your legs.

The straight male writing major will use the word 'reverberate' three times in one poem. All the humor in it will be ironic and insular, which will make you feel sad and drink more and look out the window longingly­ ­to jump out, perhaps, and be one with the sky. Something natural and pure, is what you will be thinking of, something without pretense, something that wouldn’t list songs by trendy bands and call that avant garde poetry. Oh, a list! How simple and effective! Reverberate! Thesis! Reverberate! Masturbatory! Reverberatory!

Drink more aggressively and sigh helplessly. Do not do both at the same time though. You've done that before and people thought you were vomiting on yourself.

Smoke outside with the others on the roof. Listen dispassionately to everyone making fun of the ‘Jesus Christ is Lord’ sign lit up on top of a building across the street and say, "He's not so bad." When no one laughs or says anything, pretend to sneeze and walk away, as if you have injured yourself.

When it is your turn to read, no one will laugh at what you think might be funny; maybe because your voice remains untheatrical, and thus without cues for laughter. Maybe because you don't say 'fuck' or 'shit' enough. Those words always get the biggest laughs. Everyone knows those words mean humor. Ahh! Yes! We get it! This poet is daring!

Decide at this moment that getting drunk will b the only hope for this night not to ruin your soul irreparably.

Congratulations! You are drunk now and think maybe this thing isn't so bad after all! Someone will ask you now what writers inspire you. Look them in the eye drunkenly and whisper to them, as if you are dying, "I'm sorry I have to go." They will look hurt and confused. Brush past them and walk out the door noisily while someone reads a poem about writing their dissertation. People will be laughing. Try not to vomit.

Walk home alone. Get lost a little, even though you've lived in this neighborhood for three months now. Steal a bag of candy and more beer from a deli and hide under your coat as you walk out. Look as young and suspicious as possible.

Call your friend Mary and your brother Jack­­people who are not like the people here. People who would never use the word reverberate three times in any context. People who would never write a short story about World of Warcraft. People who never use that false poet voice, with its odd waves of intonation. Second wave baby talk, you call it. No, they are nothing like any of that. Why did I ever leave them? you will think now, swirling around in a dizzying whirlpool of drunkenness in your own head.

If you have to vomit, do so now while you are outside. If someone asks you if you need any help, say to them earnestly, "This is the best moment I've had all night." TC mark

5 Theories About Game Of Thrones’ Jon Snow Because I Refuse To Believe He’s Gone Forever

Posted: 30 Apr 2016 01:30 PM PDT

Game Of Thrones
Game Of Thrones

The season 6 premiere starts off with the best and most important part of the show: The face of my future boyfriend, or as some of you call him, Jon Snow. Unfortunately, Jon is dead, and he stays that way for the rest of the episode. Still, I'm hopeful that he'll come back to me life eventually.

Here are my exact theories as to how and why Jon Snow will be resurrected:

Theory 1: If you can hear his voice, he can’t be dead.

If you've watched the trailer for season 6, you know it's impossible to understand much of what anyone is saying. But you also know that towards the end, you can hear Jon Snow's voice. He says something along the lines of, "blah blah blah…I went to sleep for a year but I woke up, blah blah blah." If you don't believe me, watch the trailer for yourself! This is SOLID proof that he'll be back. The only real question is: How?

Theory 2: If his body never burned, he can’t be totally dead.

If you recall, anyone who's died beyond the wall or near Castle Black must be burned to death to avoid becoming a flesh eating zombie machine. Jon Snow did not turn into a dead zombie after his death, which proves that his spirit is around somewhere and that he's probably coming back one way or another.

Theory 3: He’ll be resurrected by the powers of dark magic.

It's possible that the red-headed witch will use her dark magic to bring Jon Snow back to life. At the end of the episode, when it's revealed that her dark magic keeps her so young and beautiful as long as she wears her special necklace, we learn just how powerful her magic is. Also, in season 3, we saw another Lord of Light disciple, Thoros of Myr, resurrect the dead a few times—namely, Beric Dondarrion, after The Hound chopped him up.

Theory 4: His spirit is hiding out in his wolf.

As Jon Snow is stabbed by his besties, he murmurs "Ghost" (his wolf's name), and immediately seems at peace. It's possible that his spirit exits his body and enters Ghost's just as he says the wolf's name, meaning that he's still alive in some way. That would also explain why we hear Ghost barking at the beginning of season 6. Ghost is either barking because Jon Snow's spirit is somewhere nearby, or because or Jon Snow is Ghost. Since Jon's younger brother, Bran Stark, is a warg, this theory isn't all that far-fetched. Warging runs in the family!

But if warging does in fact run in the family, this theory also proves something super super sad. At the Blood Wedding in Season 3, Jon Snow's older brother Robb Stark murmured his wolf's name before dying. But Robb Stark's wolf was killed moments later. Therefore, if this theory is in fact true, Robb Stark was killed not once, but TWICE!

Theory 5: Jon Snow isn’t the bastard son of Ned Starck after all. He’s a Targaryen…

This is the theory I stand behind the most! I mean, fucking duh, the most obvious theory is R+L=J! In other words, Rhaegar + Lyanna = Jon. The most buzzed about theory is that Jon Snow is not actually Eddard Stark's son, but Rhaegar Targaryen's instead! We know very little about Eddard Stark's sister, Lyanna Stark, except that she was supposed to marry King Robert Baratheon but was kidnapped by Rhaegar Targaryen before that could happen. Robert Baratheon started a war because of this, but by the time he managed to get to Lyanna Stark back, she was already dead.

Throughout the series, minor details have been dropped suggesting that Rhaegar Targaryen did not actually kidnap Lyanna Stark, but that they ran off together because they were in love. The theory is that Eddard Stark delivered his sister Lyanna's baby (aka Jon Snow) and that she died during childbirth. Hypothetically, in order to protect the child (since we all know what happened to the Targaryens), Eddard Stark lied and claimed that Jon Snow was his bastard child. If you recall, in season 1, when Robert Baratheon asks Eddard Stark which mistress gave him his bastard child, Eddard does his best to avoid the question. We also know from season 1 that Eddard Stark is full of values and integrity and cheating on his wife seems like a totally out of character thing for him to do. Stannis Baratheon even says this—that cheating is not Eddard Stark's way.

Also, in season 5, episode 5, Measter Aemon Targaryen receives news about Daenerys Targrayen and says, "A Targaryen alone in the world is a terrible thing," right as Jon Snow enters the room. We all know that nothing happens on Game of Thrones by chance, so this is probably evidence that Daenerys Targrayen is not the only Targaryen in the world.

Furthermore, at the end of the season 5 finale, the blood seeping through Jon Snow's body seems to form the shape of dragon wings. Then, in season 6, episode 1, when Jon Snow's body is brought inside, Davos Seaworth takes a few moments longer than usual to stare at the blood formed by Jon Snow's body (*cough cough*: because it looks like dragon wings!). As I mentioned previously, nothing coincidental happens on Game of Thrones, so I believe there has to be a reason these subtle moments were emphasized.

Let's quickly revisit my second theory, in which I discussed how Jon Snow's body was not burned yet for some reason. For argument's sake, let's say that his corpse was burned. If so, it's possible that Jon Snow could come back to life from the flames, just as Daenerys Targrayen did, because fire can't kill a true Targaryen.

If this theory is in fact correct, then there is one last piece to the puzzle, which actually has nothing to do with Jon Snow and a lot to do with Tyrion Lannister. There have been moments suggesting (mainly by Tywin) that although Joanna Lannister was Tyrion Lannister's mother, and that she died giving birth to him, Tywin may not be Tyrion's father. There is a theory that Joanna Lannister was either seduced or raped by the mad king, Aerys Targaryen, while Tywin was serving as Hand of the King.

If this theory holds true, then Jon Snow, Tyrion Lannister, and Daenerys Targrayen are all Targrayens, which brings the prophecy to light where it is said that the dragon has three heads. It would be no coincidence that all three of their mothers died during childbirth because a dragon must be born of blood.

So those are my theories! Yes, I am single, how did you guess? Yes, I would rather sit at home on a Friday night speculating about Game of Thrones and coming up with new theories about the show than go out and be forced to mingle with strangers. Why pay for over priced drinks when I can just get drunk by myself at home for free?

Hope you enjoyed reading my theories as much as I enjoyed writing them! As you can see, I am very passionate about this show… especially when it comes to Jon Snow! TC mark

This post originally appeared on DaddyIssuesLA.

This Is The Type Of Girl You Would Be On The Bachelor According To Your Zodiac Sign

Posted: 30 Apr 2016 01:00 PM PDT

The Bachelor
The Bachelor


(March 21st to April 19th)

You would hands down be the crazy, fake girl in the house. You are the Regina George of the house, telling one of the girls her rose ceremony gown is beautiful before 'accidently' spilling Moet all over it.


(April 20th to May 21st)

You would be the girl who keeps to herself, and who manages to stay out of all petty house drama. You're the down to Earth, sweet girl every contestant loves to hate, but can't actually hate because you're just that nice.


(May 22nd to June 21st)

You are the girl who others accuse of being there for the wrong reasons. You turn the show into a form of competition, rather than a means of finding your one true love. You want to win.


(June 22nd to July 22nd)

You are the overly sensitive girl who has a lot of feelings. You cry at least once every episode, and look like you are going to spontaneously combust during every close rose ceremony.


(July 23rd to August 22nd)

You are the self centered, drama queen of the house. You are always the center of attention in the group, and you make sure that the Bachelor notices you. In interviews you are constantly talking about how nice it is to be flown everywhere, and are very clearly in love with being spoiled.


(August 23rd to September 22nd)

You are the overly intelligent, modest woman in the house. You are the "mom" of the group, and you are the only girl who refuses to go back to the Fantasy Suite with the Bachelor, citing "self respect" as your reasoning.


(September 23rd to October 22nd)

You are the stunning girl in the house. You are always dressed up, you sleep in your makeup, and the camera loves you. You are well aware of your looks, and will be the girl who mesmerizes the Bachelor with your charm and beauty.


(October 23rd to November 22nd)

You're the girl who only talks during the first few minutes of the show, because for the rest of it you are attached at the mouth with the Bachelor. You'll probably try to seduce him on a group date, forever being known as the horniest contestant on the season.


(November 23rd to December 21st)

You would be the overly blunt girl in the house who has no filter. You'll literally tell Becky that she should stop eating donuts because her gowns are looking tighter, and Rachel will hate you because you told her that she'd eventually "grow into her nose."


(December 22nd to January 20th)

You're the girl who is very hard to read. You will often act guarded and controlled, and the Bachelor will constantly prompt you to open up to him more. The term "resting bitch face" was created to describe your general aesthetic.


(January 21st to February 18th)

You're the girl who seems nice, and carefree, but you're actually quite angry and malicious inside. Halfway through the season you're going to explode, going full blown Britney when someone in the house wrongs you, as everyone else just stares on in confused silence.


(February 19th to March 20th)

You're the girl who is going to get the first impression rose. You are precious, kind, and America will make you their sweetheart in no time. TC mark

Submit your astrology article to Thought Catalog here.

Don’t Lose Me, Chase Me

Posted: 30 Apr 2016 12:00 PM PDT

Lulu Lovering
Lulu Lovering

I waited for you, for longer than I care to admit. My feelings for you were wildfire and my desert was without rain. I fell for you almost instantly, you were charming and charismatic. An electric type of man, the one that made other men insecure and women practically fell at your feet. You loved to be adored and admired, to be the center of your lover's attention. That's what you always wanted, and I like to give people I like everything I can so they have all they need. A foundation of life, of love and abundance.

You told me in little ways that I was special. Because you would let me in, something that's hard for you. Vulnerability. I admit it wasn't always easy for me either, but I tried and I gave you honesty when you took me for granted. Repeatedly, over and over. Without so many apologies, never once did you even buy me flowers. But I was your baby — at least you told me so at night. And while I grew angry at your lack of commitment or care, you found other girls to love.

But I still cared. After everything, I still wanted you.

That was the fucked up part. I could get over abuse. I could move past sexual shame and addictions to numb my pain.

But when I thought about you, my heart still felt the same.

I convinced myself we were soulmates, born 6 months apart to the day. I thought your darkness balanced out my light. I thought that you were like pools of rain. Like the ocean in your eyes, brought just for me- the color of sky. I wanted to dive into the depths of shallow waters and bathe in your hopes and fears. But I am the dirt, that grows in groves and makes mounds into mountains. Pushing out life and taking away death. Molding into anything, but more often the home for life to grow in. Together, we are mud. Mud that makes seeds sprout open and creates the green Earth. We can make each other grow into anything we want.

We shared the same dreams for our lives. With music, art and authenticity. We played songs, and danced, and laughed and played love together. I was there when you stole that gardening hat you like so much. I was there when you met your inner wild man. I was there when you needed a friend to help you up again. I was always there for you. Whenever, wherever. Because that's who I am and that's how I love. Ride or Die. All in or all out.

But I broke my rules for you. I waited around for your late night calls just to fake the intimacy. What I wanted was your midnight kiss, your dreams and desires. To share your past and your future. To be there at your proudest moment and on your blackest day.

You make me feel so alive I would be crazy not to want it all with you.

You're overwhelming and intoxicating. You're freedom from being trapped in a magic lamp. You make me feel empowered and sexy, interesting and funny. You make me feel small and inconsequential. Not good enough and ashamed to think I ever stood a chance. To say you're hot and cold, would be easy. You are terrible and divine. A power I have yet to understand but one I found I can control.

That's right. I can have power over you. This is how.

I can play the nice girl and be your friend to lend a shoulder when you're down. I can be your baby, that shows you how to lay it down. I can be your caretaker, and treat you better than any girl who's been around. I can love you without emotional bounds. I can teach you how to heal your wounds. How to ascend like a tree in the forest. I can show you how to feel compassion for strangers, enemies and virtually anyone. I can do anything. I am not like those girls who came before me. Because I forgave you, because despite everything I will continue to care about you.

And most of all, because I am the girl who will never lay down and die. I can do it with you, I can do it without you. You don't need me to tell you that you need me. You already know. So don't lose me while I'm deciding if I should finally go. TC mark

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21 Of The Best Multiplayer PS4 Video Games That Are Perfect For Playing With All Of Your Friends

Posted: 30 Apr 2016 11:00 AM PDT

It seems as though huge blockbuster games are coming out constantly, but shockingly enough, not many of them offer a fully immersive co-op experience where you and a few friends can get together and play through something more than a quick PvP deathmatch. To help you on your partnership quest, here are some of the best current Playstation 4 games you can play with your friends.

1. Destiny

YouTube / destinygame
YouTube / destinygame

Destiny has been my go-to game for quite some time now. The first person shooter has so much to do and is constantly adding new features and content, making it an investment that you'll get enjoyment out for so much longer than your average game. The best part is that there's something for everyone. If you prefer PvP, there are so many different variations that'll keep it feeling fresh and fun. If you're looking for relaxing gameplay, you can grab two friends and play through missions, strikes, or patrols for hours at a time. And if you want a real challenge, you and five friends can take on one of Destiny's raids for one of the best team-oriented experiences you'll ever play.

2. Rocket League

YouTube / Smosh Games
YouTube / Smosh Games

Rocket League is absolute chaos in the best possible way. You're a random, high-powered vehicle battling against other vehicles in an insane version of soccer that takes place inside a massive dome where you're constantly doing flips and tricks. If that doesn't sound like fun to you, then you should seriously reevaluate your definition of fun. It's an absolute blast and a great change of pace from whatever you're currently playing.

3. Guitar Hero

YouTube / Smosh Games
YouTube / Smosh Games

The new Guitar Hero completely revamped the original format and offers a much more realistic experience with no more brightly colored buttons to mash. The career mode puts you in the middle of concerts where the crowd will love you, until you start to struggle, then you'll be greeted with boos, angry signs, and dirty looks from your band mates. But don't worry because there's this wonderful online mode where you and a friend can play along with hundreds of songs in a continuous playlist where you can set your own difficulty and, no matter how poorly you play, you can't fail. It's the perfect party game everyone can play.

4. LittleBigPlanet3

YouTube / PlayStation
YouTube / PlayStation

The cool thing about LittleBigPlanet is that you are in control. You build pretty much everything and then you can share your ideas with the rest of the community. The puzzles are way more fun than you'd imagine and it's definitely one of those games that you'd look at and just assume it's for kids, but once you dive into it, you'll soon discover that it's something much more. Best of all, if you have the previous two installments, all the old downloadable content is backwards compatible.

5. Plants vs Zombies

YouTube /
YouTube /

I wasn't familiar with Plants vs Zombies until I saw my friend's kid playing it and I was immediately drawn in. You're one of several types of plants trying to defend your garden from zombies that now have a taste for veggies over human flesh. It may look like a children's game, but it's fun for players of all ages and is the perfect game for when you need something suitable for little eyes, that'll also present a challenge to you.

6. Call of Duty: Black Ops III

YouTube / Gamematics

Everyone knows the PvP for Call of Duty is some of the most competitive in the world, but the best experience for you and a group of friends is the zombie mode. The concept is simple: you guys are in a house and zombies are trying to get in and eat you. It requires coordination, teamwork, and skill to fight them off for as long as possible. If you haven't visited a Call of Duty game in a while, this is the perfect time to come back.

7. Borderlands

YouTube / IGN
YouTube / IGN

If you're looking for a fantastic campaign for you and a friend to play through, then the Borderlands series is for you. There's nothing more frustrating than a game that has a fantastic single player mode, but when you switch to co-op, it's a lesser, inadequate version. With Borderlands you get the full experience and it's one of the most well-developed and rewarding multiplayer gaming sessions you'll ever have. Now's a perfect time to catch up on the whole series and see what the fuss is all about.

8. Resogun

YouTube / gamezplay
YouTube / gamezplay

This was one of the first games released on PS4 and honestly it's still one of the best co-op games on the system. It's a side scrolling shooter that feels like a polished version of an old NES game in the best possible way. The premise is simple, but the replay value is incredibly high.

9. The Division

YouTube / Smosh Games
YouTube / Smosh Games

I'll be honest, this game isn't for me at all, but so many of my friends enjoy it, so I'll mention it just on their merit alone. It's great if you enjoy the open world play of games like Assassin's Creed, but with the team aspect and enemies that seem to flood you in all directions. If you really want to put your squad to the test, you can venture into the dark zone where the most coveted loot lies. But you have to be careful because, at any moment, a rogue group can come in, attack you, and battle you for your loot. It's like living in The Purge.

10. Dynasty Warriors

YouTube / Video Games Are Dumb
YouTube / Video Games Are Dumb

I honestly don't know what the story is in any of the Dynasty Warriors games, but I do know that mindlessly slashing through hundreds of enemies with a friend for hours at a time has been one of my favorite gaming experiences for years. On paper it seems monotonous and boring, but something about it is so much fun. You never play a quick game of Dynasty Warriors. You spend days in Dynasty Warriors.

11. Rayman Legends

YouTube / Lord Karnage
YouTube / Lord Karnage

What's cool about Rayman's co-op is that, in most games, having extra teammates makes things easier. In many situations and scenarios, this one can be much more frustrating when you have someone in your group that isn't quite on the skill level of the rest of the team. It's certainly not impossible, but if you all start it at the same time, on the same skill level, you'll have a much more enjoyable experience.

12. Diablo 3

YouTube / ACG
YouTube / ACG

If you like Borderlands and you've never played Diablo, you just found your new addiction. You can easily transition between the two games and, best of all, it's couch co-op, which means you and a couple of friends can go old school and play through it while sitting together in the same room. Remember when that was the ONLY option?

13. Warframe

YouTube / MrVg247
YouTube / MrVg247

Warframe may not have the depth of other games on the list, but the gameplay is really fun, the enemies offer enough variety to keep you entertained, and, best of all, it's free! As much as we complain about full priced games not having enough content, games like this occasionally come along and make it all worth it.

14. Dying Light

YouTube / outsidexbox
YouTube / outsidexbox

I played through Dying Light by myself and was thoroughly entertained, but when I did it again with three other friends, the zombie apocalypse had never been more entertaining. It's not a game that you're going to revisit over and over for months at a time, but if you want a great story for you and your friends to work though, this is one of the best investments you can make.

15. Surgeon Simulator

YouTube / DashieGames
YouTube / DashieGames

Ok this is one is ridiculously fun and completely stupid. You play a surgeon and each of you control one of his hands. Then you have to try and perform an operation on a patient to give him new organs with the most archaic and crude tools imaginable. Even if your co-op partner doesn't really like video games, they'll find some laughs in this game.

16. Lego Marvel Super Heroes

YouTube / packattack04082
YouTube / packattack04082

If Lego games seem like children's games, that's just because you haven't played them. They're addictively fun with stories and gameplay that'll keep you glued to the screen for hours at a time. The puzzles are just challenging enough to where you can't breeze through them and the boss battles are simply fantastic. And of course they're great for kids as well, so you've got a family friendly game that a younger sibling can play or a group of adults. If you enjoy it, there are several other Lego games that are just as fun.

17. Helldivers

YouTube / IGN
YouTube / IGN

If you're tired of casual experiences and want something truly hardcore, then Helldivers is for you. It's ridiculously difficult. Not only are the enemies insanely overpowered, you always have to deal with friendly fire that does damage. That means you have to coordinate your position and shots so you aren't taking fire from the bosses or your partner. Don't say I didn't warn you.

18. Mortal Kombat X

YouTube / Gento
YouTube / Gento

The classic fighting game has never looked better than this. All of your favorite characters are back as well as some very welcomed additions including Leatherface, Jason Voorhees, and the Predator. You don't have to be an expert to pick up all the cool moves and, before you know it, you'll be pulling off some of the most insanely graphic finishers you've ever seen on each other. You'll be shocked at how much time you spend playing it. You might not be working together, but eventually you'll just take turns doing those wild fatalities.

19. Lara Croft and the Temple of Osiris

YouTube / IZUNIY
YouTube / IZUNIY

Remember how used to you just had to sit and watch each other play Tomb Raider and impatiently wait for your turn? Not anymore! Now you and up to three other friends can join together to loot treasure from unexplored landmarks, or you can make things really uncomfortable between your group by going rogue and stabbing your partners in the back. Be careful who you trust!

20. Never Alone

YouTube / GameZine
YouTube / GameZine

This is such a visually stunning game that deserves your attention just for its aesthetics alone. Thankfully the gameplay of solving puzzles is also great, and, best of all, you and a friend can play through it together and get the exact same experience as you would playing through it solo.

21. Pretty Much Every Sports Game

If all else fails and you still need a game for you and your friends to get into, you can never go wrong with sports games. Back in the day you were limited to playing one on one games, but now you can do leagues, tournaments, multiplayer in the same game, and career modes that can turn super competitive very quickly. TC mark