Thought Catalog

I Don’t Want To Just Be ‘Talking’, I Want To Be Loving

Posted: 01 May 2016 08:00 PM PDT


It seems like our generation is obsessed with “talking.” We like “talking” because it’s casual. It means no commitments. It means we can get dinner three days in a row and then ignore each other’s texts for the next week. Then get dinner again. Repeat. Recycle. Always moving in one place

Casually texting, casually chatting, casual dates, casual sex, casual talking. Nothing is serious. Nothing is permanent. Nothing is set in stone, rather etched softly in sand. We are told that “talking” is great. Because we can talk to the cute guy who works in the office suite across from us. And the curly haired boy from Tinder. And our old flame from back home. We can keep talking, talking, talking, until our vocal chords are fried and we have nothing left to text back.

But I’m tired of always talking.

I don’t just want someone to text at 2:00am, I want someone to text when I have a bad day and need someone to cheer me up. I don’t just want to just get dinner for one stray night, but enough times to memorize someone’s favorite food and drink orders. I don’t just want to just keep texting, I want to start living.

I am tired of cutting off fun conversation in the name of “keeping it cool” and going on fun dinners that end with nothing besides a “let’s do it again.” I do want to do it again, mark me down for every Friday for a while.

I am tired of ambiguous labels and ironic questions from friends who ask “what are you guys?” Because I don’t know. Nobody does.

I am tired of trying to balance multiple conversations with multiple people who also have multiple people to text back after me. I am tired of balancing, of calculating, of… “talking.”

And I’m not saying that I’m ready to commit my whole life to someone, but I am ready for more than a few hours, or a few days. I am ready for more than just talking my life away.

I am ready to start loving.

I am ready to laugh uncontrollably with someone, at jokes that only the two of us understand. I am ready to read my books leaning against someone’s legs, relishing every opportunity to be close. I am ready to not just show up for dates, but experience a relationship. I am ready to not have my smile fade when it’s time for us to go our separate ways.

I am ready to build a bond with someone that goes beyond “hanging out” and responding to each other’s snapchats. I am ready to give myself to someone, and see if someone will give themselves to me. I am ready to stop guarding my heart and hedging my bets.

And I don’t know if it will work out, but I am ready to try. TC mark

Why Rough Sex Makes Me Love My Boyfriend More Than Anything

Posted: 01 May 2016 07:00 PM PDT

Of all the guys I have dated, none of them have made me feel as happy and loved as the one who others might say treats me the “worst”. John likes it rough. Like, calling me a ‘slut’ and leaving bruises on my ass rough.

He studied biology in college and once told me that one thing that really got him off was placing his hand on a woman’s neck during sex. He’d press his thumb against whatever vein is there and press down. Then, when he gets the girl off there’s like a sudden rush of blood there and he can feel the physical proof that he’s made her orgasm. He likes having that kind of ownership over my body.

When I met him I’d experienced different sides of the spectrum of how men like to have sex. Some like it soft, with as much foreplay as I do, while others were completely emotionally detached (which was no fun for me). I found that most men like at least a little force, if only when they’re really close to cumming. This was always the hottest part, the vivid memory I’d play over in my head again and again the next day — the moment they started to lose control over their better senses and their animal nature took over. It communicated that something about me had made these men so desirous they couldn’t help but be a bit primal about it. What isn’t hot about that?

John brought that feeling to a whole new level. Every time he walks by me in the apartment he grabs me like I’m his and he has to have me.

Often when we have sex it doesn’t start as us being in bed. I’ll be making us dinner and he’d come up behind me and press his body into mine, playing a game to see if he could distract me from my task at hand. With his body draped over mine and me pressed into a counter he’d use one hand to grab a fist full of hair and the other to roughly grab at my breasts, pulling them free from my shirt and bra. When he kisses me that way it’s like my entire body is enveloped by his. It makes me feel entirely wanted and loved.

Other times we’ll be on the couch or in bed and he’ll pull my hand over and drop it on his cock, his silent way of saying “you are mine, and I will use you as I please.” I’ll massage him for as long as I can stand it, before I need to put him in my mouth. On all fours while he lays beneath me he’ll grind his hips to get himself deeper in me and position me until he can reach his arm and me and fuck me roughly with his fingers until I’m gasping all over his dick.

Has has a special album in his iPhone that’s just photos of my ass in varying states of redness. He’ll have me lay ass up on the bed while he spanks me as many times as it takes for him to be satisfied with the color I turn.

Once he sent me a text at work that just said, “Don’t plan on sitting down tomorrow.”

There’s something about a man that knows he wants you and doesn’t treat you like you’re going to break. He cares too much to have some soft, gentle touch. He has confidence in you. He views you as his equal partner in the strong and dizzying act of physically expressing a strong and dizzying romantic love.

So much of modern dating culture is built around the concept of being cool and chill and never being the one who cares more. But you can’t have rough sex with someone while also being chill. You can’t deny that their body makes you feel, do, and say some insane things. There’s no ambiguity, just the refreshing security of knowing someone is totally and completely into you. TC mark

Dating Taught Me A Lot Of Things, But It Didn’t Teach Me Anything About Love

Posted: 01 May 2016 06:00 PM PDT


Casual dating taught me a ton of life lessons. How to be "chill." How to not care. How to try and remove my feelings from a person and just enjoy them in short spans of time. How to obtain multiple options and keep them open.

But it didn't teach me how to love. Not myself or anyone else.

I'm not going to pretend like people haven't found love in the midst of all this casual, “just for fun” dating. I know people who fell in love by meeting on Tinder. Or by starting off as friends with benefits and then feeling something much more than that. I also won't pretend like dating doesn't have its perks, either. Yet I know that in the end, it taught me a lot of things except what I really needed.

I experienced a year on dating scene: I met new people, I went out on dates, sent ridiculous amounts of texts, and spent more than a few nights kissing at 2 am. If I'm honest, I did have fun. I do have some great memories that I look back on fondly.

Yet I wouldn't want to do it again.

We all have that point in time where we really question love. We wonder if it truly exists, or if we've experienced it and lost it, we wonder if we will ever get it back. Sometimes it's out of impatience, or heartbreak, or confusion, but despite the reasons we wonder nonetheless. Dating casually took so many of the things we have embodied as a generation-social media, busy schedules, lack of commitment, and insane of amounts of fun- and incorporated it into our love lives. We meet a new person every day of the week online. We have fun for a night, or a couple. We stay as long as we like and then we ghost once we're finished. Then on to the next one. Sometimes if we're talented, we can juggle two or three at one time, but only if we are looking for something to challenge us.

This kind of dating taught me that showing how I really felt wasn't a good idea. If I showed too much interest, guys disappeared or backed off. If I was aloof, or not interested, they magically appeared. It taught me how to keep my mouth shut when I was feeling things beyond what was being shown. How to pretend I was fine when I wasn't. How to get through disappointment when he didn't text back or cancelled our date. How to call things a "hang out" instead of a date so that it wouldn't seem too serious. How to take off clothes one night and then pretend it didn't happen the next day.

Simply dating, and dating casually, taught me how to pretend and how to detach.

Yet in the midst of all these lessons, I was someone still hoping to find love because I figured you had to get there eventually. You went through some of this stuff for a little while, but eventually it would become more, right? The thing about modern dating is that when things have the potential or expectation to become more, it's cut off. I repeated the process over and over, still thinking that one of these times, a guy would see more in me than just someone to have fun with every now and again.

I was too busy learning these games, these tricks, to keep a guy's attention, because I didn't like myself very much.

I felt too loud, too annoying, too talkative, and too emotional. I was trying to prove to myself that I wasn't these things, and getting guys to be interested in me seemed the best way I knew how to prove that to myself. After multiple guys, however, I realized that I didn't need to prove anything to anyone. That through playing this dating game I was finding more things wrong with myself than right, because it was telling me that I should feel less, care less, and invest less. I was too busy trying to repress or change myself to fit the ideal rather than appreciate and love who I was.

In order to love anyone else, you have to love who you are first.

I also wasn't learning how to love anyone else. I was learning how to like them. How to enjoy them and have fun with them. How to be with them for short periods of time, and then detach. I wasn't learning what their secrets were or what they dreamed about. I wasn't learning about their true feelings or what they feared. I was simply dipping my toe in the water instead of exploring the ocean of a person. I didn't need to learn anything about a person in order to laugh with them for awhile on a Friday night or to kiss them passionately. I was learning the bare minimum in order to enjoy myself, because God forbid I learn their faults, flaws, and temptations. That I learn what makes them feel alive, passionate, and amazed. You can't learn to love a person by only going skin deep.

This kind of dating wasn't trying to teach me about love: it was trying to teach me about fun, about confidence, about endless choices. It did its job, because I did have fun. I gained some confidence. I went through multiple options, some more than once. This was a great place to be in when you are scared of love. Or when you don't want love. Or if you're unsure if love is worth it.

Yet when what you want is to know someone on a deeper level, to be with them for more than just a few nights, to invest into someone whole-heartedly, you realize you don't really find that with someone who you swiped right on.

In the end, dating casually taught me a lot of things, but how to love wasn't one of them. TC mark

Why The Modern Dating Scene Is Driving You Batshit Crazy, Based On Your Myers-Briggs Personality Type

Posted: 01 May 2016 05:00 PM PDT

Konstantin Kryukovskiy
Konstantin Kryukovskiy


You like to plan an average of ten thousand years into the future – and your dating life is no exception. You aren’t interested in casual flings or “hanging out to see where things go.” You want to know as soon as possible whether the person you’re dating has long-term potential – which is hard to decipher through a Netflix and Chill sess. In a world where social interaction is already too nuanced for your liking, you’re tired of trying to root out who’s going to be in it for the long haul with you versus who’s just messing around.


You have the practice of loving down pat – you know how to connect with people quickly, how to shower them with adoration, how to form long-lasting relationships and how to keep them healthy and strong… but the modern dating game is now asking you suppress your feelings(???) and to not care(???) These are foreign concepts to you. You care 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 12 months a year. Pretending that you’re nonchalant is torture, and the pressure to act totally chill all the time in modern dating is absurd to you.


Sorry, the modern dating game requires you to NOT get emotionally invested right away? Haha nope… that’s not an option for you. When you care, you care all the way – one hundred percent, with nothing in between. You can feign disinterest for days, but when you genuinely like someone your imagination runs away on you – and you’re suddenly picturing your wedding dress, your children’s names, and the entire badass life you’d spend together. You’d turn it off if you could but at the end of the day, that’s just how your mind functions. Trying to act chill feels excruciatingly inauthentic to you.


Dating is a massive, colossal, inefficient waste of your time. Sure you want to enjoy your life alongside somebody wonderful, but you aren’t interested in dealing with the petty trivialities of dating. You wish finding a partner could be as simple as conducting an interview – asking a few key questions, assessing suitability for the position and then agreeing to engage in a mutually beneficial (that is, loving) relationship from that point forward. Wouldn’t that just make more sense?


It’s not that you’re heartless or detached – it’s really not. It’s just that you genuinely have a difficult time understanding what the hell potential partners want or need from you – and somehow you always end up accidentally neglecting one of their needs. The amount of subtleties you’re expected to pick up on while dating drive you mad – you just want a partner who says what they mean and means what they say – but that’s a hard thing to come by in the modern dating world.


You absolutely love having options – but there’s a point at which options become option paralysis. With a never-ending number of profiles to swipe through, bars to frequent, apps to download and dates to go on, your ‘greener grass syndrome’ is quick to spiral out of control. Sure, the date you went on tonight was fun, but what about that cute guy you’ve been chatting with on Tinder? What if he’s THE ONE? You simply HAVE to see that date through… and then the next one… and the next one…


Let’s cut to the chase – you aren’t here to mess around. You know what you want out of a partner and it’s a consistent, mutual relationship – not the indecisive, drama-heavy mess that is the modern dating scene. If you’re being totally honest, you wish you could date the way your parent’s generation did – by following a set of courteous guidelines that made both people feel safe, respected and admired. Your interest in ‘playing the field’ is zero. You’re only interested in dating people who’ll show you the same respect and devotion that you’ll show them.


There’s nothing you love more than meeting new people and sharing new experiences with them. In many ways the dating game suits you… but in other ways, you cannot make head or tail of it. What should be a fun and relaxed experience (getting to know someone new) has suddenly turned into a minefield of rules, regulations and fouls. You can’t possibly be bothered to memorize all the current rules that come along with the modern dating game – so you pay as little attention to them as possible, and just hope to eventually meet someone who’s on the same page. TC mark

This Is What Loving You Is Like

Posted: 01 May 2016 04:13 PM PDT

Screen Shot 2016-04-27 at 11.58.59 PM

like slipping into satin panties,
like when April showers finally do bring May flowers,
like honey dripping down my throat,
like the moon tucking me in with a bedtime story,
like never being late anywhere again,
like suddenly remembering it's payday,
like my dad giving a thumbs up to me from across the street,
like my mother announcing after 48 years she's finally pain free, like lavender scented candles and string lights fastened to every corner of the universe,
like humming my favorite song,
like discovering an episode of Buffy I've never seen,
like all the good, all the good,
my darling, it's all the good,
there’s just so much good here. TC mark

17 Qualities Your Conservative Mother Really Wishes You Would Look For In A Boyfriend

Posted: 01 May 2016 04:10 PM PDT

Kimberly Mears
Kimberly Mears

1. He wants to get married as soon as possible. His dream bachelor party is a small gathering of lads wearing Sperry's on a boat somewhere. Everyone will be asleep before midnight. IPAs only, no strippers.

2. He has a very generic name, just like you. There's a high chance your mom will not even need to physically meet him to give her approval if he has a II or III in his full name.

3. He has a spotless record of never having worn flip flops in his entire life. You're not exactly sure why this is a priority.

4. He went to a small liberal arts college in a cornfield somewhere. He’s done a keg stand to show he’s fun, but it certainly wasn’t a party school.

5. He can toooootally appreciate art and literature, but he didn’t go batshit and pursue the humanities in college (like you did). Your mother thinks he’s amazingly talented for passing the Art History AP Exam in high school, but still majored in Econ. Why couldn’t you do that?

6. Strong handshake. Non-negotiable.

7. He would never, ever feel comfortable enough around your parents to call them by their first names. No matter how much they like him, they’ll like him more if he’s open about being slightly terrified of them.

8. He is one of the following professions: doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, investment banker, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor, doctor.

9. It would be "a plus" if he were a Kennedy. Didn't Taylor Swift date one? Surely you can find one too?

10. If you can't lock down a Kennedy, Rory Mcllroy or Jordan Spieth are also fine.

11. He has at least one custom suit lying around. Just in case.

12. He loves the outdoors—but not to the point where your mother begs to know what she did to you growing up that resulted in you dating a hippie. Like, he cannot have a beard and should not feel comfortable going two days without showering. Your mother would have a brain aneurysm.

13. He knows how to throw the perfect spiral. He can throw a no-hitter baseball game if he really puts his mind to it. He once clocked in his serve at 70mph during his varsity tennis team days. He’s one of those people who suggests working out when you have period cramps.

14. His favorite colors are red, white, and blue. He will probably grow up to be Jack Donaghy.

15. He prefers spending car rides listening to NPR rather than Top 40. He secretly admits to you and your mother that he used to have a weird crush on Diane Rehm.

16. He backpacked in South America. But he totally thinks it’s cute that you studied abroad in Europe. He’s been there too but, you know, he really wanted to use study abroad as an excuse to step outside his comfort zone and change a couple of other people’s lives at the same time. It’s great that you just got drunk in Barcelona with your friends. Does your mom know he skied in Patagonia?

17. He has something that's monogrammed. TC mark

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This Is For The Girls Who Believe There Are No Good Guys Left

Posted: 01 May 2016 04:00 PM PDT


I fear people aren't brave anymore. They're afraid to put themselves out there.

We prefer to hide behind a screen and swipe right instead of talking to a stranger. We send meaningless over-thought-out texts, instead of picking up the phone and speaking spontaneously. We endlessly 'hang out' with a bunch of potentials, and are scared to put labels on anything. We convince ourselves that being laidback and casual is cool and more attractive than someone who blurts out that they like you too soon.

But it's just not. It's not cool.

Modern dating is tough. Most people can't think of many positive things to say about it. And I get it. I often feel cheated by the way that we date now too. But I don't want you to give up on it just yet. Fight your way through the choppy sea of Netflix & Chill assholes, and you'll find a man, who wants to take you on actual dates. Sounds improbable at this point, I know. But have faith.

There are still guys out there who want to date you.

They will ask for your number, and then call you on the phone. The first time that happens will feel slightly alien, but will quickly begin to feel all kinds of lovely. We should all call each other more often.

They will read your messages, and reply to them straight away. You won't be left wondering when you'll next hear from them.

Neither of you will be playing a game.

They will arrange to take you out, they will plan and organise, they will put in effort and you'll see it.

They will tell you they've had a great time, and they'll mean it. Or they'll respectfully let you know that something doesn't feel quite right for them; they won't cowardly disappear and hope you get their message of stone cold silence.

There are still guys who will open doors for you, and will walk on the side of the pavement nearest the traffic. They will tell you that you're beautiful, and they'll make you know that you're special; and you might not think that you need that right now, but everyone needs that.

On your first date, they may or may not kiss you, but they won't try and take any more than that just yet. They won't invite you back to their place. No. They're far too much of a gentleman. They're in no rush, because they're all about the long game. And they're just that into you.

Yes, I promise you that there are still men like this.

They will tell you they want to invest their time in you, only you, and then they will do so. You won't be an option to them. We say that dating a few people at once is normal today. But that's bullshit that we've fed ourselves so we don't feel guilty. They will choose you. And you will know it.

You have to believe it though. You have to believe that guys like this do exist. You have to not settle for residing in a mediocre eternal limbo. You have to be the girl who expects to be treated like she's magic, because you are magic.

Believe me when I say, there are still guys out there who want to date you.

The world is mostly made up of people who are good; people who want to share their goodness with you.

Please, don't give up on dating just yet. TC mark

Our Love Turned Into Something Beautiful

Posted: 01 May 2016 03:48 PM PDT


I met you in pieces;
you did not save me,
and I did not ask
you to.

I became something
whole; you sat with me
as I put myself back
together with staples
and glue, I did not
ask you to.

I am with you in this
heart of mine; when
my hands were ready
to be held, you took
them and did not
worry about breaking
I am no longer
alone in this body;
you did not inhabit
me, we became
this shelter together. TC mark

10 Reasons Modern Dating Is The Actual Worst For Overthinkers

Posted: 01 May 2016 03:30 PM PDT

New Girl
New Girl

1. It’s way too easy to know someone is ignoring you.

Modern dating comes with modern technology…which is great! Unless you’re an overthinker. With everyone plugged in 24/7, knowing when someone isn’t texting you back has become nauseatingly easy. And sure, it’s not like you expect someone to respond to you ASAP, but when you see them Snapchatting and tweeting, and not replying to your innocent lil’ text, your heart does that sad dropping thing. And because you’re an overthinker, you jump to the worst possible scenario.

2. Two words: emoji anxiety.

I mean, why even text each other words when we could just EMOJI? *cue gentle panic attack* There are so many options!! Which smiling emoji do you use? The beaming one? 😃 The blushing one? 😊 That winky bastard? 😉 Far too many opportunities for emoji meaning to get misunderstood. But at least we all know what this means 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆.

3. The typing text dot, dot, dot, of DOOM.


If the above photo doesn’t instantly induce stress in you, then idk. Good for you for being SO GOOD AT LIFE AND DATING AND WHATEVER! For us overthinkers, it’s Hell. We sit and wait, while in Hell.

4. Becoming stuck in dating app limbo.

It’s not uncommon now for people to meet online. The stigma attached to online dating is slowly disappearing as more and more couples admit that, yes, they did swipe right. But because there’s an abundance of dating apps, it brings a whole new set of uncomfortable questions: “Are you still on Tinder? Should I still be on Tinder? Did you delete your account or just temporarily deactivate? WHAT THE F*CK IS BUMBLE?!?!?”

5. The, ‘Oh, we’re just talking’ phase.

This phase is the overthinker’s kryptonite. Like, what does that even mean? Are you dating? Are you literally just talking — like having very average conversations that don’t mean anything?! Almost anything can full under the “talking” category and it will drive a poor overthinker insane. JUST NARROW IT DOWN, PLZ!

6. The dreaded, ‘What are we? Like…on Facebook?’

The relationship status question is already awkward, but now you have to worry about whether you should announce it to all your friends — or more accurately, people you haven’t talked to since your high school graduation.

(But on the real, RIP to Facebook as it slowly dies. All hail Twitter, the reigning King)

7. You know exactly what their exes look like.

Because Instagram is there to remind you that their last bae is f*cking gorgeous. Thanks, Instagram. Thanks sooooo much. You’re so considerate.

8. Sexting is low-key terrifying.


9. You literally never know if you’re on a date.

You relate to the above tweet on a spiritual level. Deciphering the difference between platonic intentions and romantic intentions will be the end of you.

10. Netflix and chill was a GOD DAMN LIE.

And honestly, you’re still not over it. TC mark

Look For The One You Want To Spend Every Second With, Not ‘The One’ You’re Fated To Be With

Posted: 01 May 2016 03:00 PM PDT

Millie Clinton
Millie Clinton

Maybe you don't believe in Destiny or Fate, but you don’t need to. You're too pragmatic and too grounded and too well educated for that. You don't dream of fairytale endings. You watch romantic comedies with one eyebrow raised, understanding that the cheesy moments that tug at your heartstrings and make you cry are unrealistic—corny climactic scenes designed to entertain and to distract you from real life. Even as you weep, overwhelmed with the feels, you don't really believe that those on-screen couples live happily ever after. You see the disagreements, misunderstandings, and temptations peppering their fictional futures.

It’s not that you don’t believe in romance. It’s just that you’re too sensible and too experienced to romanticize relationships.

You know better than to latch onto fantasies and false notions about what true love is, or what long-term togetherness actually entails. You understand that maintaining a relationship takes work. That commitment and fidelity aren't magical things that sprout up between lovers when Cupid's arrow strikes. That nurturing loyalty, faith, and trust is tough.

You know that all couples fight. You know that you will not always wake up feeling overwhelmed by affection for your significant other. That a lifelong partnership involves ups and downs and prolonged periods during which you feel neither better nor worse than just okay. You know that couples face doubts, uncertainties, and trying times. That you’re bound to ask questions you wish you didn't have to, and wonder whether you've made the right decisions after all. That you'll live and love and make mistakes in the process.

You know there isn't one person out there who's the exact right fit for you, no enchanted glass slipper of a human who will suddenly make your entire existence more spectacular. You don't expect the Universe to go out of its way to unite you with the absolute perfect partner. You know that there are many possibilities out there, in fact. And that every single choice you make day-to-day impacts your specific path, including who you become and who you encounter.

* * *

You don't believe in "the one" in a traditional, fatalistic sense. You believe in the one that you get to pick—the one you’ll promise forever to, and build a life with.

You're looking the one you can't stop thinking about right after you meet. The one you want to spend every single second with, knowing that your lustful obsession will eventually transform into a deeper, more satisfying, more powerful connection. The one who makes you smile, even when they're not around, because the very idea of them delights you. The one who makes you laugh out loud ’til you're rolling on the floor, or peeing in your pants. The one who doesn't care if you snort when you giggle, fart when you sneeze, or drool when you sleep.

You’re looking for the one who wants to stay in on a Friday night so you can do nothing but watch movies and eat pizza on the couch. The one who makes you feel beautiful, whether you're wearing a sexy dress or sweatpants and an old t-shirt. The one who genuinely adores your every quirk and flaw because they appreciate you for exactly who you are. The one who urges you to share all your hopes, dreams, and secrets as you lie side by side in bed, forgetting what time it is as you talk late into the night.

You’re looking for the one who listens to you without judgment. The one who makes you feel safe just by looking you in the eyes, or holding you tight in their arms. The one you can talk to without actually saying anything out loud. The one who inspires you—who pushes you to think and challenges you unexpectedly. The one who introduces you to new things, and urges you to take risks you wouldn’t otherwise embrace.

You know that this one will drive you absolutely insane sometimes. That this one will fuck up and say hurtful things and make you cry. That this one will demand forgiveness and compassion and patience and understanding. You know that this one will bring out the worst in you sometimes. That this one will test you repeatedly, and that you'll have to choose them again and again and again over time. That this one will be imperfect, and your life together will be imperfect, too.

But you also know that lasting love isn’t for the faint of heart, and you’re okay with that.

Staying with this one won’t be easy, but they are THE ONE you're meant to be with. TC mark