Thought Catalog


Fuckboys Have Feelings Too

Posted: 22 May 2016 08:00 PM PDT

Alf Santos
Alf Santos

Lately everywhere I turn I hear girls complaining about the latest "fuckboy” in their life. Girls define this term as a guy who sleeps around and talks to multiple girls at once. To be totally honest, the word fuckboy makes me want to bang my head against a wall. Not only is it stupid, but when you reread the definition of the word but substitute the gender to a girl, the word used would typically be "slut."

The reality of it is that you can't be anti slut-shaming if you flagrantly describe men as fuckboys.

The word fuckboy completely invalidates the idea that guys have feelings and have the capacity to want more than sex.

Truth is, all of the so-called fuck boys I’ve encountered don’t know what they want. They’re just as confused as the rest of us. And if they’re not, maybe they just got out of a long-term relationship. Or maybe they’re engaging in casual sex because they’re not ready for a serious commitment, and just want to play the field. Either way, it’s their prerogative and doesn’t make them bad people.

At the end of the day, the issue lies in miscommunication. When a guy has sex with a girl, he usually thinks she’s on the same page as him—it's just for fun. And if it seems like he’s leading her on, he probably doesn’t realize the way his behavior reads. Most guys are genuinely ignorant that their “playful banter” could be misconstrued as more than what it is.

I admit it— there are some guys who deliberately tell a girl whatever they think she wants to hear to get into her pants. And that’s pretty shitty of them. But what I’ve also noticed from this is that girls even when girls recognize this is the case, they still try to “play the game” and try to “be the one to change him" by getting him to commit to them. It's equally as entertaining for the girl as it is for the guy. Sure, maybe you'll win, but if you fail, whose fault is it other than your own? You knew what you were getting into when you began talking to him.

You knew he didn’t want anything serious.

You could’ve just walked away when you initially realized your intentions didn’t line up with his.

Girls also think the word fuck boy is acceptable because guys take pride in how good their game is. That may be true, but if you reverse the roles, a girl who who pulls a lot of guys is called a slut, which is insulting. You can't argue that women and men should be treated equally if you don’t agree that what’s wrong for one gender is okay for the other. Both words are derogatory and unfair labels. If you don’t respect someone’s behaviors, just don’t interact with them. It’s really that simple.

She’s not a slut. And he’s not a fuck boy. We’re all just people. TC mark

How To Know Someone Is Beginning To Fall In Love With You, According To Their Zodiac Sign

Posted: 22 May 2016 07:00 PM PDT

maria_foto
maria_foto

Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

They want to be your best friend (and then some). They get super excited and super energized when you’re around. They ask tons of questions. They’ll be very touchy-feely, and not afraid to make the first move. An Aries in love is a very caring, but very intense lover. When an Aries is falling in love with you, their attention is on you constantly.

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

They wine and dine you, but bury their feelings the more strong they become. They will test you before they trust you. In the meantime, a Taurus will want to incorporate all of the finer things in life into your romance. They’ll go out of their way to woo you before expressing how they feel directly.

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

They chat your ear off, and get attached right away (even if they’re confused about how they feel – they’ll talk to you about it). Geminis are fun and love to love people, so “falling in love” to them is feeling a deep, genuine connection, and you’ll begin to see them respond to it almost immediately. Falling in love with a Gemini is one of those “stay up all night tell each other everything” kind of romances. They’re super transparent when it comes to love.

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

They’re deeply interested, but cautious. Cancers feel everything very intensely, and they tend to look before they leap (or, let’s be real, stare for a long time and get indecisive about what they should do, worry some more, and then decide eventually). When a Cancer cares about you, they will want to be your best friend, lover, biggest cheerleader, and so on. (Also, they will go out of their way to make you laugh.)

Leo

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

They’re a little territorial. Leos have big egos (sorry, it’s the truth) and when a Leo starts to really care about something, it’s natural for them to almost immediately want to see it as their own. When a Leo is falling in love, they’re as charismatic as ever, but they’re also looking for someone with whom they can share the life they love so much.

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

They play it cool, but are secretly terrified. They’re really hard to read, but love very intensely. You will never really know how a Virgo feels, because they’ll act like they’re too cool for anything but vague “let’s chill!” messages. If this is confusing, ask them directly, and be transparent… they’re at home overthinking the situation anyway.

Libra

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

They throw their lives off-balance for you; they’ll fight with you. Libras love themselves, their lives, and maintaining the productivity and peace, so if they start forgoing any of that to be with you, that’s the first sign. The next is that they’ll fight with you – Libras do not ever fight unless they deeply, deeply care. Otherwise, they’ll be busy showing you romance like you’ve never experienced before (they are ruled by Venus, after all!)

Scorpio

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

Their hearts commit to you first. Even if a Scorpio swears they “don’t want a relationship,” or are “just looking for something casual,” when they start to fall in love, they become intensely loyal, and start acting as though you’re a couple. They’ll also become very intrigued by you, ask you a lot of questions, and creep on your social media profiles a lot. They want to learn everything they can before they take the plunge. Once they do, love will break down all their walls.

Sagittarius

(November 23rd to December 21st)

They want to adventure with you. Sags in love want to take weekend trips, tell jokes, and have fun. They see love as an incredible opportunity to experience more joy in their lives, and they want to start doing that immediately. Sags need partners who are their energetic equals – down to go out and experience life. The more they want to do with you, the more interested they are.

Capricorn

(December 22nd to January 20th)

They’re already planning for the future. Capricorns like to be working toward something, and they also like certainty (they also don’t have time for things that aren’t going anywhere). They take their lives seriously, and thrive when they believe you’re working toward developing a lifelong commitment or a family or at least a healthy, thriving partnership.

Aquarius

(January 21st to February 18th)

They’re selfless, and seem to have been caught off-guard by your relationship. An Aquarius is one of the best lovers, they’ll give you everything they’ve got and will want to foster a kind of can’t-live-without-it love.

Pisces

(February 19th to March 20th)

They share with you their dreams, and are almost immediately devoted. They’ll play their favorite music for you, send you links to things that inspire them, write you letters and want to let you into their weird little worlds. Pisces in love are hopeless, but also very sensitive, so they may have a kind of tough demeanor that you first have to get past. TC mark

18 Hilarious ‘SlayMojis’ That Accurately Reflect Your Amazing, Fucked Up Life

Posted: 22 May 2016 06:30 PM PDT

1.

Dating_7

2.

Dating_12

3.

Party_34 copy

4.

Dating_25 copy

5.

A6 copy

6.

Expressions_45

7.

Party_22 copy

8.

Expressions_56 copy

9.

Dating_10

10.

Party_21 copy

11.

Expressions_54

12.

Dating_13 copy

13.

Food_10 copy

14.

Party_1 copy

15.

Dating_42 copy

16.

Expressions_50

17.

Dating_20 copy

18.

Food_5

TC mark

The Pros And Cons Of Shower Sex

Posted: 22 May 2016 06:00 PM PDT

Milly Cope
Milly Cope

Does anyone like shower sex? I guess dudes probably do, and it's a great idea in theory. It's all steamy (well, the parts that aren't ice-cold shower tile, or the parts that aren't your naked self getting no water) and wet and warm. It should work, right? But it doesn't!

I remember the first time I ever had sex in the shower. I was spending the weekend at my high school boyfriend's house and we decided it was time for us to try it out. We'd already tried to have sex in his hot tub, which made me barf out in the snow, and in his pool, which gave us both unpleasant chlorine itchies down below. It wasn't anything close to successful, but we were 17 and we were hopeful.

Spoiler alert: The kissing was cool and sexy when it was all slippery, and there's something really fun about being naked in such a small, hot space with someone you wanna bone, but the rest of it was a big, fat disappointment. As is most teenage sex, I guess. I still have nightmares about the hot tub situation.

In the years since then, I've had sex in the shower a few times. Usually, I offer it up as a solution when I'm horny as hell but bleeding profusely from my vagina. I know that most dudes don't care about period sex and that you can just put a towel down, but I do care about my expensive comforter and fancy white sheets! I live in a building with crappy communal laundry, OK?

What dudes don't realize about having sex in the water is that it does the opposite of what they think it's gonna do. It dries out all that lovely natural lubrication, making shower sex really uncomfortable and occasionally painful for chicks whose pussies aren't able to produce a whole lot of au naturale lube anyway. (Thanks a lot, birth control pills.) And don't you even think of getting soap down there to "make it more slippery," sir. Do you even know what a pH balance is?!?!

The best time I had sex in the shower was when I didn't have sex in the shower. I popped over to visit my fuckboy of the week when he was scrubbing off his yoga teacher sweat and stripped down to a little black lace teddy from Frederick's with a pleasingly low neckline and flattering silhouette. And I wore it into the shower, where dude popped a gigantic boner before feeling me up and eventually ripping the damn thing in half. (Well, it was only $15.) Getting all hot and wet in the shower is fab foreplay, but it should stop before actual penetration. Watch me soap up my tits with fancy scented body washes in a variety of aromas (your choice!), then slather me in lotion and then carry my wet self to your bed, where I'm more than happy to receive a good dicking. Or, you know, just prop me on the sink. That works too.

The folks at KY realized this and released a shower sex-friendly lube, which is a truly incredible testament to the power of technology. I haven't had the opportunity to test it out yet as my apartment building's hot water heater seems to be as moody as I am when I'm PMSing, but I have high hopes. I wanna slick my pussy up and get it on in the shower just like the rest of you, OK? TC mark

‘He Stuck A WHAT Up His WHAT?’: 36 Medical Workers Share Hilarious Sexual Mishaps From The Emergency Room

Posted: 22 May 2016 05:00 PM PDT

(Wikimedia Commons)
(Wikimedia Commons)
Found on AskReddit.

1. He fell naked onto a squash, which accidentally went all the way up his ass.

"Patient fell whilst he was naked. Onto a squash. It went straight up his arse. Then his boyfriend tried to get it out but pushed it in a bit further. I managed to keep a straight face throughout, handed him over to the hospital and made it almost to the doors before I broke down.


2. He Super-Glued his hand to his penis.

"A man came in having Super-Glued his hand to his penis. Everyone knew that someone had pranked his lube. But he kept claiming that he had an itch and was putting cream on it and the cream had become solid."


3. 'That must have been a very accurate fall, Father.'

"Priest with old school Brut bottle all the way up his sigmoid. He told me he fell. Being stupid young and not thinking of my career I quipped back, 'That must have been a very accurate fall, Father.'"


4. I found them naked from the waist down with fish-tank tubing connecting their urethras—they were pissing back and forth into each other.

"Oooo i worked in a hospital. Did EKG for the ER and was also a nurse tech. A couple was admitted 40-something-year-old dude, and 20-something female. I was called for two monitors. Came in behind the curtain to the two in the same bed. Odd, I thought. Removed the covers to find them naked from the waist down with fish-tank tubing connecting their urethras (piss holes). I was taken back, but moved on professionally hooking them to EKG monitors. I asked the doctor wtf was going on. He did they were pissing back and forth into each other and the tube developed a suction leaving them bound together for the world to witness. I asked the doctor if they’ll need surgery, and he replied, 'No, you simply cut the tube to break suction…but I’m leaving them hooked together until the emergency contact shows up.' (i.e., the dude's wife.)"


5. He cut open his scrotum with scissors and his testicle was hanging out.

"Dude came into hospital after opening up his scrotum with a pair of scissors. His story was that he was looking for something but couldn’t remember what. His testicle was hanging out, the paramedics had over zealously bandaged it and caused some ischaemia. No history of medical illness or drug use, just a normal looking dude who went looking inside Schrödinger’s sac."


6. A flashlight was shining out of the fellow's orifice.

"I did not witness this myself, but I heard one story involving a flashlight shining out of the fellow’s orifice."


7. Was it because he ate carrot soup two days before?

"My aunt is a doctor (and usually pretty strict about her vow of silence) and one day this old guy showed up with a carrot stuck in his asshole. It’s obviously awkward, so my aunt decided not to ask too many questions. But the dude was constantly like ‘how did this happen?’ and I SWEAR TO GOD (well, my aunt does) that the guy kept asking if it might’ve been because he’d eaten carrot soup two days before."


8. Garden gnomes, wine bottles, and a smelly cock.

"First story: Guy comes in looking fidgety in a big coat, female nurse asks initial questions but he demands a male. He gets to see a doctor a bit later, and reveals a garden gnome (quite a little one, but still) that was wedged (at the hat), into his ass. It gets removed, he blames an elaborate fall from a ladder, laughter follows and all seems well. Then…another guy comes in with the EXACT SAME THING! Turns out you're not hardcore until you’ve been to an ass-gnoming party.

Second story: Starts the same but he looks in severe pain. Again—in comes a request for a male nurse. Then the reveal…this guy was using a wine bottle for some butthole pleasure, got carried away and managed to create some suction from within the bottle. He yanks it out and out comes a bit of the inside of his ass, some bile and some intestines. He was high on acid, otherwise would likely have collapsed on discovery. :)

Third story: Jamaican guy comes in with a 'smelly cock'; he wasn’t lying—it reeked. Through a quick interview it turns out this married guy had recently started banging a girl on the side who was 'wild' and had taught him a neat trick. Put a rubber band on the base of your cock and it gets 'real 'ard maan.' However, you must remember to remove it. Captain Monogamy had forgotten. The rubber band had rolled up and become wedged under his bell end (he was circumcised). It had then attracted an infection while cutting off blood flow to the tip. The man had what can only be described as trench cock. And, sadly, the dick had to go. After finding out of his impending forced castration, his main worry was his wife finding out. What a guy."


9. He made up the story to get someone to fondle his anus.

"A friend of mine works as an emergency doctor and he was sent out with an ambulance because there was this guy with 'an anal issue.' When they got there, he told them he tried to satisfy himself by putting a candle up his bottom but that it broke off and that there was a piece of candle stuck. So one of the nurses put on latex gloves to try and fish it out but it very soon became clear… this patient didn’t have a candle up his ass….Turns out he made up the story to get someone to fondle him with latex gloves."


10. She used a broom handle to pop up her stomach so she could have sex.

"An obese lady came in with large chunks of wood in her abdominal region. Seems odd. They removed the chunks of wood and noticed it matched what looked like a broom handle. Apparently she was so large that her stomach covered her vagina, so she would prop it up with a broom so her twig of a man could get in. It finally broke."


11. 'It must have been the kids.'

"A woman came in with a tube of Smarties (UK chocolate similar to M&Ms) stuck in her butt. She said she had no idea how it could have gotten there and that 'It must have been the kids.'"


12. A KFC drumstick up his arse.

"A teenage boy came into the Emergency department with his mother. I remember he was wearing a long coat and looked kind of glum. Turns out he’d ordered too much KFC and had a drumstick left so what did he decide to do? That’s right, he shoved it up his arse. Now, the arse wants what it wants and refused to give the chicken leg back, so after some unsuccessful manipulation he did what any teenage boy would do in a situation with no easy solution. He called his mother. After she also failed to remove the chicken leg, it was determined that a visit to hospital was in order. I remember that after the receptionist took the details she directed them to the waiting room and told them to ‘sit over there’ and with a perfectly straight face the Mum said, ‘I think we’ll stand.'"


13. She came into the ER with a butt plug with a tail sticking out.

"Woman comes into the ER with a butt plug with a tail sticking out. She initially said that she was dressing up for a kid’s birthday party and that her costume was stuck and she couldn’t take it off. I wanted to ask well how old was the kid but I didn’t want to embarrass her even more."


14. He said he fell naked off a ladder onto a vacuum cleaner tube.

"A gentleman presents to the emergency room stating that he fell. Upon further assessment (we asked him to sit down and he couldn’t), it’s discovered that while changing a light bulb in his closet (naked of course), he fell off the ladder and landed on an object. What was that object? I thought you’d never ask… This gentleman had (allegedly) fallen ass first onto the aluminum tube of a two piece vacuum cleaner. You would expect that this would be extremely dangerous, but conveniently this dude stored said cleaning appliance with a couple of tube socks and a latex condom covering the top of it (one would assume to keep the dust out of it). As the pieces of this little mystery came together, the patient never wavered from his original story. You see some pretty fucked up stuff in the ER, but I can honestly say that there are few things that are more bizarre than a pelvic x-ray film on a view box with a giant white line shooting up the middle of it. Dude must have had it a foot deep. Went to the OR and had it removed. Learned a valuable lesson about changing light bulbs in the buff…


15. He had shoved a whole bunch of needles into his urethra.

"I used to work at a mental health facility with outpatients from all walks of life. Some really nice folks and some real bad apples. Anyways one of the nice guys, let's call him Dave, has severe schizophrenia. Dave likes to self=medicate and will constantly only take half or less of his meds when needed. Dave is homeless and hard to keep track of. When he's on his meds his mind is clear and he's super easy to talk to and get along with, but like I said he likes to self-medicate and so a lot of the times Dave is a mess…One day Dave comes in; he's an absolute mess. I see him walk in say my greetings and ask him how he's doing and all that jazz. He just starts saying he needs an MRI right away. Something is really wrong, he needs it right away. At this point Dave has caused a scene and people have come to see what's going on. Anyways, Dave is a known self-harmer, so putting him in an MRI right away is a terrible idea. Dave goes for X-ray…

Dave had shoved a whole bunch of needles into his urethra…

Yup… you read that right. Dave essentially made his penis into a frag grenade and was hoping to put it into the MRI, and, well you can imagine what would happen. Luckily it never happened, but it still gives me the shivers thinking about what could have happened.

tl;dr: If you are mentally ill, please take your full dosage so you don’t attempt to make a frag grenade out of your penis."


16. He shoved a ballpoint pen—with the lid on—all the way down his urethra.

"When I was a nurse I heard of a guy who inserted a Bic ballpoint pen, complete with the lid on, down the length of his urethra. Upon removing the pen the lid stayed in situ. Try as he might, he was unable to remove the lid and in a moment of insanity he inserted a fine drill bit into his urethra to try and grip the pen. It didn’t grip so he thought it needed a few revolutions to get it to bite. He attached an electric drill to the bit, hit the button and it did indeed bite, spinning the lid rapidly whilst still inside his penis. Unfortunately for this chap, the pocket clip section [whatever the fuck it’s called?] bent outward with the revolutions and basically corkscrewed his dick in rather ugly fashion. The way the story goes, he lost most of his penis but still had enough to be 'functional.' Could be one of those medical urban myths TBH, but the source was solid.'"


17. He was known by the staff as 'broom closet.'

"Dude came in with perforated intestines. My friend who was in medical school at the time chuckled at that diagnosis, saying (rightly so) that use of the word 'perforated' is a fair bit of an understatement. Patient claims he was cleaning naked and fell on the broom handle. He was known by the staff as 'Broom Closet.'"


18. He said he 'accidentally sat on an inflated balloon.'

"Dude #1 says he 'accidentally sat on an inflated balloon' and it went up his ass. Tried to pop it with bamboo skewers. Perforated his sigmoid several times and wound up with a whopping abdominal infection. Dude #2 Liked to stick the inside of a Bic pen down the wang and jack it. Ended up losing it and it migrated to the bladder. Claimed he was trying to clear an obstruction because he couldn’t pee. Saw him two different times for this."


19. 'Oh those are just Skittles. My boyfriend likes the taste.'

"Aside from the barrage of household items sucked into the lower intestines of various men claiming they were straight and 'please don’t tell my wife,' one of the most memorable foreign body moments was a woman who came into our ER complaining of pelvic pain. Well, that means you just signed up for a pelvic exam, all of which are performed by a doctor with a nurse also present to assist (me). The patient assumed the position, Doctor began the exam, run of the mill stuff, then says, 'Oh… Nurse, could you hand me a specimen cup?' I had her one, and the doctor asks the patient, 'Did you happen to insert anything into your vagina recently? You have some funny colored discharge and small pebble sized objects I’m removing…' The patient doesn’t miss a beat and says, 'Oh, those are just Skittles. That’s nothing new, I always put them in there because my boyfriend likes the taste. That whole "taste the rainbow" thing." She had no idea that her self-inflicted candy-coated vagina, which she had been doing daily for the last week, was the cause of her discomfort.

To clarify, the “straight” comment I made above was in reference to the responses some men would say as an explanation—as in, 'of course it was an accident, I’m straight and married!' It wasn’t meant as a personal reflection or commentary. Sorry for any confusion." TC mark


20. He got four feet of oxygen tubing up his ass before he couldn’t shove anymore.

"I worked as a circulating nurse in the OR and once was called in the middle of the night to remove oxygen tubing from a 10 yo. He had about 4 feet in before he couldn’t shove anymore. I was curious and asked, he said, 'It’s my form of masturbation, it feels good.' Only if he saw how the doc removed it.

Prisoners are always good ones. Usually just do it to get out of jail/prison. I’ve seen staples, pen caps, the inside of a Bic pen bent in half in a 'V' shape, small angle in first. Also pencils, paper clips, pieces of broken plastic eating utensils, and rolled-up paper.

Had a guy get a butt plug stuck in rectum, claimed he didn’t know how it got there."


21. He got four feet of oxygen tubing up his ass before he couldn’t shove anymore.

"Guy came into the ER having bladder pains. Ended up having to X-ray and found peanuts inside. He and his sexual partner decided to shove peanuts up his penis with a pencil."


22. He had a plastic Easter egg lodged deep in his bum.

"Elderly man and wife enter the ER. The male’s in obvious distress, but he initially refused to elaborate in triage. Once roomed, he will not speak with his wife present. When alone with staff, he finally tells us. He had a plastic Easter egg lodged deep his bum. Asked with what happened, he simply replies, 'I wanted to know what it’s like to be a chicken.'"


23. He came in with a vacuum cleaner hose stuck on his penis.

"I worked as an orderly in the local ER as a university student and a man came in with a vacuum cleaner hose stuck on his penis.

He arrived wearing a sweater, shoes, and a blanket and insisted that he had been instructed to clean his house while nude because of his dust allergy.

While vacuuming, the man had become (his words), 'inexplicably fatigued' and took an impromptu nap with the Hoover still running. At this time, his penis must have flopped into the vacuum hose. His arousal was, he insisted, involuntary.

The hose was finally cut off with a surgical rotary saw."


24. We dug out tons of literally rotten meat from this poor girl's vaginal cavity.

"Not exactly sexual, but when we had gynecology and obstetrics in med school, we got this girl in from the psychiatric ward. The reason she got referred to gynecology was that she was smelly. Yep, really. So we didn't quite understand the referral until we got in the room and met the patient. The patient is a skinny young girl, with the foulest necrosis-like odor I have ever smelled. It was literally so bad half of us had to leave the room. The paramedics also commented that they had to roll down all the windows when driving her there. According to the referral, the smell had been there for several weeks, and they had tried everything, including forcing her to shower, to make it end, and now they sent her here to rule out gynecological issues.

Well, what we found when we put her in the stirrups was that this girl had anorexia, and as a means of hiding her uneaten food from the hospital staff, guess where she had been putting her chewed-up pieces of food? Yup. She, of course, told us she had never put anything up there. Well, either there's a disease that makes potatoes grow in your vagina, or she was lying.

We dug out tons of literally rotten meat from this poor girl's vaginal cavity, some of it had to have been in there for a while, and put her on antibiotics for the terrible infection she of course had. Hospital food where I went to school isn't great in general, and it didn't help to let in ferment for a few weeks in an acidic environment full of bacteria. I will never forget that smell.

To make you understand how bad it was, let me just say that the vagina of any anorexic is not a happy place to begin with as they are very prone to nasty fungal infections. Here we started empiric treatment for both fungal and bacterial infection, seeing as we had trouble differentiating the more rotten food from her own necrotic vaginal tissue. So mix the smell of necrosis (you know how they say you never forget the smell of a rotting body? Yep, that.), rotting food, severely unclean crotch, and with a nice hint of infection to top it off. At this point in school we had sat through countless hours of smelly surgeries, autopsies, treating homeless people in the ER, and I've never seen any of my fellow students react physically to any smell. Half the people immediately had to leave the room, and some of us who stayed had to vomit."


25. You'd be surprised how many grown men 'fall' onto shampoo bottles in the shower.

"I spent 5 years as a corpsman, which made me an ER alternative for some Marines. You’d be surprised how many grown men 'fall' onto shampoo bottles in the shower. You fell on it? Well how did it go in upside down?"


26. He came in with an eel in his ass that had perforated his large intestine.

"Guy came in with an eel in his ass that had perforated his large intestine. Claimed he ate it."


27. He had inserted chess pieces subcutaneously into his penis.

"Former ER Nurse here. Had a newly released convict that came to my ER because 'It really hurts when I do it with my old lady.' This man had taken chess pieces—that's right, chess pieces, and inserted them subcutaneously into the shaft of his penis. On exam his penis was a swollen, red and purple, infected grapefruit. When asked why he would do something like that to himself, his response was 'because my old lady likes it, she says it feels good for her…you know, when we do it.' Out of curiosity I asked him which chess piece. He didn’t recall, but he said it was ‘for sure one of the black ones.' He was admitted to the hospital for surgical debridement and foreign body removal. I followed up on him some days afterwards and apparently he had to have significant portions of his penis removed, too. That's checkmate."


28. He tripped and fell straight down onto a can of shaving cream.

About six months ago I had a 16 year old male come in with chief complaint of, 'Rectal problem.' He goes on to tell me that he had been innocently cleaning his room before school, when he tripped and fell ass-down straight on a can of shaving cream that had been sitting upright on his bed, ripping his underwear in the process. As he was a minor, he was accompanied by a parent, which just so uncomfortably happened to be his mom.

After he goes into great detail in explaining just how random this fluke accident was, I looked at him with furrowed brow for a few seconds, then to his mom, then back to him, and back to her… She completely believed it. That it was possible for an entire can of shaving cream to be in her son’s rectum, from him tripping and sitting on his bed. Where this thing just so happened to be standing upright. Perhaps she was just trying to convince her heart of hearts that this is what actually happened, but damn if she wasn’t doing a great fucking job of it.

We ended up having to call general surgery. This is usually the case when such an object can’t just be easily pulled out, which is why they’re there in the first place.

There’s also the lady that came in with an 'energy crystal' stuck in her vagina because she had to be up for an extended period of time for something or other. It was only after I pulled out what looked like one of those rocks you’d polish in a rock tumbler when you were a kid that I realized she wasn’t talking about meth.

The ER is a weird place."


29. He came in with a trailer ball stuck inside his rectum.

"1st visit: Patient arrived with dildo stuck inside. X-ray showed the outline perfectly.

…3 weeks goes by…

2nd visit: Patient arrived again with trailer ball hitch stuck inside. X ray showed the outline perfectly. His wife said this was the last time they try anything anal on him. (as she winked). I am still waiting for the couple to show up; it is only a matter of time."


30. He was hunting in the woods and somehow got a bullet-shaped dildo stuck in his rectum.

"I had to deal with a patient who somehow got a bullet-shaped dildo (too big to be a bullet but too small to be a true dildo, it was about 4 inches long?) stuck way the fuck up his rectum. His story was he was hunting in the woods and took a bullet in the gut…I was just shaking my head the whole time we were doing X-rays at that barely even half-assed story.


31. He pretended he had a stick in his urethra just to get us to touch his junk.

"Not really an injury, but we had a guy walk into the ER claiming to have a stick stuck in his urethra. He claimed that the reason a stick was in his urethra was because he put it there to help maintain his erection but then he 'lost it.' After several physical exams by multiple professionals, an X-ray was taken of his pelvis and penis (my job). Turned out to be negative. Doc ordered an ultrasound of bladder and penis. Also negative. The physician came to the conclusion if the patient could urinate then he was fine to leave, so they asked for a urine sample. The nurse gave the guy his cup and left the room. When she came back, in the urine sample was an obviously planted stick. It was far too awkwardly shaped to have ever been inserted. And if it was, no way it would pop out with urination.

TL;DR Guy tricked an entire ER into fondling his junk for most of an evening by pretending to have a stick in his urethra."


32. He stuck a pencil in his urethra because he was 'bored.'

"I worked at a jail for a while as the charge nurse. I got a phone call one night from the deputy working in the mental health housing unit. He tells me 'Uh, we’ve got an issue over here……one of our inmates put something in his…uh dick.' Oh Jesus Christ. So they bring him over, full shackles and belly chains and in red (he needs 2 deputies at all times). I ask him what he did. 'Uh. I stuck a pencil in my dick.' WHAT. THE. FUCK. So I take him to our exam room, get him up on the table and start looking at his dick. There’s no OBVIOUS pencil in it. Then I take his flaccid penis and bend it a little bit. And there it is. You can see it in his urethra. Best part was is that he broke it first and shoved the sharpened side in first. I sent his dumbass to the hospital and they had to do a cystoscopy on him to get it out. And of course his dick hurt really bad when he got back and it hurt to pee. No shit. Best part? I’d asked him why he did this and he replied 'I was bored.'


33. Her husband was diddling her with a loaded gun and it accidentally fired.

"Had a patient had a 'bullet ricochet into her vagina.' Turns out her husband was dildoing her with a loaded gun and accidentally pressed the trigger. Not really self-inflicted, I guess."


34. A priest came in with a broken lightbulb in his ass.

"A priest with a broken lightbulb in his ass. Everyone knew how it got there so no one asked, but every time someone would enter the room he would regale them with a tale of changing a light bulb naked, slipping and falling."


35. He fell on a Glade air freshener can and it went up his butt.

"Severely obese Hispanic dude covered in prison tattoos comes in for “constipation and abdominal pain”. Gets xray of belly/pelvis ==> obvious large, cylindrical metallic object in rectum. Upon further questioning he relates a story about how he was getting out of the shower when he 'fell on a Glade air freshener can and it went up his butt.' He ended up needing to go to the OR for an 'exam under anesthesia' for removal. I will never forget the sight of the OR nurse + scrub tech each holding a leg back while the poor surgeon was elbow-deep in the dude’s rectum before she triumphantly pulled out this, but covered in poop."


36. Why the cueball? Why not the 8-ball?

"First night working in the ER, and a guy comes in with rectal pain…lo and behold, there is a brilliant white, spherical translucency on the X-ray series we shot of his lower abdomen. The story came out—sort of. The guy admitted it was a pool ball (cueball to be exact), but claimed he tripped and fell flat on the ground, lodging the pool ball up his ass. Obviously, we didn’t believe him, but it didn’t matter—off to the floor he went to start the process of prepping for surgery. I had so many lingering questions, the least of which was why the cueball? Why not the 8-ball? Is he playing pool in a more awesome way than we could ever fathom? We may never know." TC mark

Why People Who Date Overthinkers Are Happier

Posted: 22 May 2016 04:00 PM PDT

Parks and Recreation
Parks and Recreation

You don't like to admit it yourself because it makes you sound insecure, but you know you’re an overthinker. You overthink things like the type of smile someone gave you (were they really happy to see you or were they just being nice?) and the fact that you tripped on the sidewalk the other day and you're wondering whether or not everyone who looks at you is remembering you as "the girl who embarrassed herself". (P.S. they're not, everyone definitely forgot about it 10 seconds after it happened.)

Now you finally found a person who seems to like everything about you. They say all the right things after you struggle to think of a reply that won't make you seem too eager, or that won't give away the fact that you've only been talking to the person for a few days and already like them so much. But as you get to know the other person, you realize that they're also an overthinker. They read and re-read their replies to you just as you do for them. And you know that because either they tell you or their messages contain no typos or grammatical errors… and usually that doesn't happen unless you go through and edit what you wrote (I overthought that).

But as you keep talking to the person, you realize that they're not so scary after all. So maybe you tell them that you are a major overthinker.

And maybe they tell you that they are, too.

And after that moment of sharing your mutual tendencies to overthink everything, whatever you two are develops into the possibility of a relationship. After learning that the person you like is also an overthinker, you see that you're in this together. You realize that maybe you don't need to filter every single thing you say because the other person will understand. They are no longer viewed as godly or unreachable; they are right in front of you. And they understand your insecurities and your mastered talent of overthinking. Now, when you are talking to the other person, you don't have to overthink as much because they will understand if you say something dumb.

So maybe you'll only re-read your text once. Maybe you'll be with the person and you'll want to say something but you'll think "Is this okay to say? Is it too soon for me to say this?" You'll just say it. And the other person will appreciate the fact that you're being honest with them and opening up a little more than you would have if they weren't an overthinker as well. And if you do happen to say something dumb, you can just say "Can you tell that I didn't overthink that?" and laugh about it together. And believe it or not, the other person will probably like you even more because they see that you're nervous, too. They'll see that you make mistakes, too. They'll feel less nervous around you because they'll know that if they say something dumb, you'll understand because you've definitely been in their shoes before.

You'll quickly grow to be more comfortable around one another because slowly but surely, you'll stop overthinking things with them. Things will simply become easy with the other person.

And you'll both be happier because of it.

Because you'll be able to be your goofy, fallible self. And the other person will fall in love with YOU, not with the you that overthinks things and tries to be perfect. You lose yourself when you try to be perfect. Darling, embrace your quirks because the person you're with will love you for them. And he'll hope you'll love his, too. And when you're lying on the couch with him, laughing about how your outfit couldn't be farther away from matching, you'll remember that your relationship all began with a lot of overthinking. And you'll think "Oh how boring it was to overthink everything." TC mark

This Is Why I’m Letting You Go

Posted: 22 May 2016 03:00 PM PDT

splitshire.com
splitshire.com

I sound like a coward for doing this to you. I have loved you truly all this time. But I cannot fight. I can't because what I will be fighting is in your blood. What I will face is in your roots. And even if I decide to fight, I'm afraid it will doom our future. Thank you for choosing me against your family, but I will not be able to accept what you will do for me. Yes, I have been at my happiest since I met you. In the short time we've been together, you have been by my side as I’ve faced my biggest worries. Troubles I have only revealed to you in stories that have manifested themselves yet again during our time together.

But I have no other words to express to you than love. You have been patient during my tantrums and you have shown great sincerity with the love you have shown me. You have kept your promises and more. I prepared you to enter my messed up life and you walked in so courageously. You are my savior.

What I didn't know was that you were fighting your own demons. Every time you go home to your kingdom after saving my day, you get passive judgements from the people closest to you. They believe you have saved the wrong person. That I am not worthy to be welcomed in their family. That I am not their kind. Now it has caught on to you. It has worn you out and I can see it. You have fought for me all this time, from my demons, against the wishes of your family. Pretty soon, you will be given a choice to leave their comfort as you have resisted their so-called "guidance" for so long. If the time comes that you choose me, I cannot let you. I will let you go.

This is not what I want you to end up with, a choice. No matter how bad I want to end up with you, I cannot have you choose me and be done with the ones who have supported you all your life.

I can only hope for the day they will be open to me, someone not of their race, but can love their only son as unconditionally and sincerely as I can. If only they could see that we cannot change our feelings. If only we could continue our folly and not care about them. If only we lived in a world where they couldn’t have a say in our relationship. If only we were free. If only they would accept us.

So I will let you go. No matter how much I love you. I cannot stay in your life and not want to be anything else but together. I cannot look at you and think about our what if’s. Neither can I stay together and feel your tension in every muscle when the time comes that we have to go home. No, I can't.

I don't want to, I really don't. But I will let you go. TC mark

I Can’t Stop Wondering If You’ll Ever Fight For Me

Posted: 22 May 2016 02:00 PM PDT

 Lizzie Guilbert
Lizzie Guilbert

I still lie awake at night wondering why you can't just fight for me. You seem to have a repertoire of excuses of why I'm not worth the pursuit, but kept insisting that you didn't want to lose me. I have to let you go because if I don't I'm going to let you destroy who I am in the process.

You feel like an addiction and I can't seem to shake you off. Why? I can't seem to figure it out. I can't fucking explain why. You're unhealthy. You make me doubt myself. You're bad for me but I don't seem to mind and that scares me.

It scares me because you already broke me. You already did all the things you promised not to do. You shattered my heart, my broke my trust and crushed my confidence. I tried to replay all the things I did for you, I kept trying to find what I did wrong and what I lacked to provide. I gave you the best parts of me, I offered you my love and you turned me down for someone better. So I let you go.

But here you are again knocking at my door, the door I thought I closed a long time ago. And I know how reckless and foolish it is but I let you in. Again. I thought this time it would be different, maybe this time you've changed but you haven't.

We keep falling back into the same patterns and we can't stop. And in the end we just end up hurting each other.

So here we are back where we started.

But this time I know that I'm always going to be just your back up plan. I will never be your priority. I will never come first. You will always choose someone better than me because for you I will never be enough; that's why you won't fight for me. I'm not your crutch. Stop using me to get out of loneliness and I shouldn't let you come home to me anymore.

I have to live with the fact that you are never going to stay and that you will always chase after something and someone you believe is better.

And for me, I will have to continuously remind myself that I am more than enough and you're just too busy finding someone better or something else to even notice. And every time you choose to leave, you take a piece of me with you and to be honest I'm starting to lose myself little by little. So this is it. I'm telling you that even though it's difficult and painful I'm choosing to let you go. You can't come back anymore. You shouldn't. Be strong enough to own the goodbye you desperately wanted from me back in December.

I know that everything seems easier when I'm around but I can't keep being your second choice; your last resort. So thank you for the beautiful memories we've shared and I hope you get to fulfill all the dreams you've been longing for ever since you were a kid. I will acknowledge the fact that maybe I will always be one of the people who will know you best but my love we don't always end up with the people who really knew us deeply; we end up with people who we choose to fight for and we both know that isn't me. You couldn't fight for me because you didn't want to and that's just sad.

Always know that you could have had me but babe you failed to keep me and a cautionary tale is all we'll ever be. TC mark

I Gambled On You But I Lost All My Stakes

Posted: 22 May 2016 01:00 PM PDT

 Joel Sossa
Joel Sossa

I gambled on your words until they left me empty. I believed them until they lost their meaning, I trusted them until they no longer made sense. I cherished them until I realized they're being said to everyone. I gambled on their sweetness, the way they made me smile, how they made my heart skip a beat and how I loved reading them out loud because they sounded like a beautiful song. I gambled on your music until it lost its rhythm.

I gambled on your persistence. The way you wouldn't stop chasing me, how you came back after I pushed you away, how you kept telling everyone that I'm the one for you and the way you looked at me.

I gambled on your eyes because they showed me the truth; they showed me I was special, they showed me I was different and they showed me that I'm everything you dreamed of.

But I should've known that you're a magician; you know how to hypnotize people only to snap them back to reality, leaving them confused, hurt and angry.

I gambled on your strength. Your physical, mental and emotional strength. I thought you'd pick me up whenever I fall; you said you'd pick me up whenever I fall. I thought you would lift me up as easily as you lift these heavy weights but I should've known that you already have enough weight to carry, that you can't carry both your baggage and mine, that my baggage was too heavy for you.

I gambled on your energy. Your cheerful and vibrant energy, your astonishing aura and your ability to make those around you laugh and fall in love with you. I thought you would take me out of the darkness, that you would snatch me out of my depression and that you would make me laugh again. I should've seen the darkness behind your mask, I should've seen the pain behind your laughter, the stillness behind your energy and the silence behind your noise. I should've known that your true colors were all black. 

I gambled on your wisdom. The way you so perfectly have your life together, the way you achieve everything you aim for and how you guide other people to have better lives. I needed your guidance, I needed your advice and I needed you to lead the way. But I should've known that you're actually lost, that you don't know where you're going, that you don't know the way and that you had to find your way alone without anyone sharing the road with you.

I should've known that you're used to traveling alone and that you enjoy being alone and I should've known that you were going to drop me off in the middle of the road when my company becomes too much for you to handle.

I gambled on your heart until it broke me. I gambled on your kindness and your generosity. Your caring smile and your soft touch, your warm hugs and your protective instincts. I thought I would be safe in your heart, I thought you would guard it better than I do. I should've known that your heart is shattered, that all you have left to give are bits and pieces and sometimes they're just not enough for big hearts like mine. I should've known that you still need a long time to heal and sadly I'm not a doctor.

I gambled on your love until I lost all my stakes. I don't regret it, but now I have to start over from scratch, trying to get back everything I lost with you, trying to gamble again like I used to and trying not to let your experience stop me from gambling altogether. TC mark

When The Perpetually Single Girl Craves Love

Posted: 22 May 2016 12:00 PM PDT

Brooke Cagle

She's prided herself for so long on being single, on being perfectly fine on her own, because she is. She's not single because no one wants her; she isn't unwanted or incapable of love. She just hasn't found someone to make her heart skip a beat. She hasn't found someone that fills her stomach with butterflies at the sight of them. She hasn’t found someone she misses before they’re even gone. She hasn't found someone to make her want to give up being single because her happiness was born in her decision to be single.

She loves being on her own; she has become her own saving grace and her own backbone. She's gone through loss, fights, hard times and good times without a S/O by her side. She's tough and she's been tough for others. She stands up for herself and makes sure she gets treated the way she deserves.

She doesn't need someone to complete her or fix her. She is whole on her own; she has filled her own voids, figured out how to fix things on her own. She can carry her own weight on her shoulders and she's proud of it.

She's found herself and she loves herself.

She's gotten used to being single, maybe a little to used to it. She's become comfortable with it, maybe a little too comfortable with it.

There are times she gets lonely because life isn't meant to be lived alone all the time. Even though she can do things for herself, on her own, doesn't necessarily means she always wants to.

There are times when—even though she can carry all her groceries inside in two loads—sometimes she’d rather have someone there to help her do it in one. There are times that instead of putting air in her own tires sometimes she’d like someone to do it for her. There are times that she would rather share the grill with someone instead of always grilling her own burgers.

There are times that instead of coming home to an empty house and cooking dinner for herself she would rather be cooking dinner for someone else. There are times that she would rather be waking up to someone she loves instead of waking up alone. There are times she would rather cook breakfast for two, make coffee for two and have someone to share her mornings with.

Because as strong, as independent, as happy as she is on her own sometimes she just needs a hand to hold. Someone to kiss her when she's feeling down, someone to tell her she looks beautiful when she's doubting herself, someone to be goofy when she's upset because as great as being single is, it isn't better than love.

Even the perpetually single girl craves love, craves attention and craves the feeling of being wanted. As much as she craves it, it isn't that easy to find. There have been guys who have come and gone, guys who haven't stuck around, and guys who broke her heart, so she started being guarded. She started choosing herself, she started putting herself first and before she realized it she started becoming happier that way.

She started finding happiness in herself, she stopped getting let down, she stopped getting her heart broken. She became strong and it led her to where she is now, but even the perpetually single girl craves love because it’s a long trip alone. TC mark