Thought Catalog

23 Boob Problems That Every Millennial Female Can Completely Relate To

Posted: 23 May 2016 08:00 PM PDT


1. One boob being bigger, rounder, and ultimately better-shaped than the other. #thestruggleisREAL. How am I supposed to find a swimsuit or bra that actually fits when my chest is asymmetrical AF?!??

2. The strap falling off the shoulders. So. Freaking. Annoying. I have better things to do than continually reaching into my shirt like a weirdo to pull up a fallen bra strap. CAN YOU JUST STAY ON MY DAMN SHOULDER?! YOU HAVE ONE JOB.

3. The struggle of not finding a size that fits. Ever. Medium swimsuit tops are basically nip-slips to the world and smalls pinch to the point where it's the Itty Bitty Titty Committee—so, like, what do I do??!?

4. NEVER WANTING TO WASH YOUR BRAS EVER because you need them every day and do they really get that dirty when you're just walking around, living your life?? And why is the bra-washing process so difficult??

5. Top sizes that make absolutely no freaking sense. What is a small vs. small-medium? How the hell am I supposed to know what determines a small boob from a small-medium boob??? Like, is there a measuring device??

6. The constant struggle of wearing a strapless bra. (If you're even brave enough to purchase one, that is.) These suck. Oh, excuse me while I readjust FOR THE TWENTY MILLIONTH TIME because my boobs are basically popping out. Don't mind me.

7. Awkwardly getting measured at the bra store. Uhmm…sure, I'd love to know my bra size. But I'd rather not have you put measuring tape around my chest in the middle of a crowded department store and then announce my cup-size to the world. Cool.

8. Having massive cleavage when you're just trying to hangout. Like, just chill bro.

9. The two extremes of bras—either total push-up or flat as can be. Helloooo there are people in the world who aren't trying to show off their boobs to everyone, but also don't want the no-chest look. Is it that hard to find a middle ground here??

10. The fact that the super cute bras are always the impractical ones. Lace, colorful patterns, the frilly little ribbon on the bottom—totally cute, but totally not real life. All that stuff sees through or sticks through your t-shirts…aka pointless.

11. THE RIDICULOUS PRICE. I mean, comeonnnn. $60 for a bra?? That thing must have like a built-in boob massager or be made of gold or something, because sh*t is b-a-n-a-n-a-s.

12. The chest soreness. Like to the point where you have to hold those puppies in place while walking down the stairs type of soreness. Literally the worst.

13. When you're trying to run like a normal, athletic-type person…but really just look like Baywatch. Trust me, I'm not trying to look sexy rn with my sweaty face and my basketball shorts and Nikes. Look away.

14. The fact that it's still not acceptable to be braless. Helloooooo it's 2016 can we just embrace the freedom?

15. The strap-digging-into-back dilemma/major back fat rolls because your bra is too damn tight but if you loosen it, your boobs will look saggy so, like, SOS because there's no practical option here.

16. Not wanting to spend money on a plain, ugly nude bra but having to because you need it for any light-colored outfit. Ugh. You mean it's not acceptable to have your bra showing through your shirt anymore??? #adultingprobs.

17. Sports bras that don't really hold those suckers in. They say they do, but it's all a lieeeee.

18. Never knowing what type of bra to wear to a concert because, like, you need strapless for the sundress, but you need some legit support for dancing around all night…#seriousdilemma.

19. Planning your life (aka outfits) around your boobs. Seriously. There's only like 5 things you can wear to church that don't make you look like a cleavage monster, so essentially reconstructing your entire wardrobe for those lumps of fat on your chest.

20. Looking like you're super chunky in baggy clothes because your boobs take over your whole chest area. Cuteeee.

21. The daily inconvenience. They just get in the freaking way—when you're trying to discreetly move around someone, when you're trying to run, when you're just trying to do things that require small spaces, etc. etc.

22. Not being able to wear some shirts because you just can't. Too much boob, too little boob, weird boob. There's always something.

23. The fact that boys just don't get itttttt. Having boobs is hard, okay???!? TC mark

What Each Myers-Briggs type Would Do With A Million Dollars

Posted: 23 May 2016 07:00 PM PDT


ESTP – Build a go-kart track in the backyard and sponsor the 'Ultimate Go-Kart World Championship'.

ESFP – Private jet. 20 friends. Full-moon party in Thailand.

ENTP – Immediately put plans of building a robot army into production.

ENFP – Run away with that fascinating stranger and send home postcards from around the world.

ESTJ – Donate to a local hospital or university and have a building named after them.

ESFJ – Spoil family and close friends with thoughtful gifts.

ENTJ – Acquire a solid business venture and optimize it into a billion dollar company.

ENFJ – Run for public office and win.

ISTP – Build a custom workshop for tinkering.

ISFP – Buy a massive live / work warehouse loft for creating art, rescuing animals, and entertaining interesting people.

INTP – Self-fund a research project in an esoteric discipline.

INFP – Donate most of it to charity, after adopting a houseful of shelter puppies.

ISTJ – Invest it prudently and continue working as usual without telling anyone.

ISFJ – Buy parents a really nice house, furnished to suit their tastes perfectly.

INTJ – Invest most of it in index funds, use the rest to take interesting new classes.

INFJ – Finally take that spiritual pilgrimage, only to realize that money is the root of all unhappiness.TC mark

I Had Wild Afternoon Sex With My Neighbor While My Husband Was At Work

Posted: 23 May 2016 06:01 PM PDT / jeffbergen / jeffbergen

I see the exotic skinned man standing at the same spot where I saw him yesterday.

He looks, and hangs out with other Hispanic immigrants that throng the streets of my town lately. All my fellow housewife friends discuss in whispers if those men have the 'eyes' for us.

Well, this one certainly does.

As I stand in my porch, sipping a big cup of my late morning coffee, he stares at me insolently. He does not peek a look the way most stranger would. But every once in a while, he would break eye contact with the man he was chatting up, and turn his gaze on me. It would linger on my blonde hair, pale white face, my slightly sagging, but still attractive breasts and my long legs. He is dressed in a dirty white shirt, unbuttoned almost all the way to his hairless waist, and a pair of equally dirty and worn jeans. Yesterday he hung around in the same spot for about an hour before leaving. I assumed he would have some kind of transient job.

Today I smile at him. He responds with a smile that almost succeeds in concealing his surprise at my smile. Then he casually breaks away from his group, and walks to my house. I casually glance around to ensure no nosey neighbours on their porch, and give an almost imperceptible nod to him towards the backyard. He does not break stride, but casually walks across my neighbour's lawn. I go inside my house, and wait for him in my dining room. It opens in my backyard.

He walks in and touches his slicked back, dirty mop of hair in a gesture of salutation.

"Hot day, can I have drink Miss?" heavy accent, no grammar. Perfect.

I nod and turn around to go in my kitchen. I mix him a glass of lemonade, and turn to give it to him. He is standing right there. I fake surprise. He has actually taken his shirt off. I smile and show as if I am surprised at his undressing, but it does not last long.

He takes the glass from my hand and gulps down about 2/3rd in a thirsty gulp, then he eases me against the wall and pins both my hands above my head with only one hand. Up close, he smells of hair gel, sweat and last night's cheap booze.

His arms are incredibly sinewy, the hardworking lifestyle he leads does not allow a lot of fat. He stares me in the eyes and notices my heaving bosom. His hand moves on my slim neck and then rests on my top. He still does not kiss me. I am shaking with passion and pent up desire. He pops the top button of my dress and pushes his hand inside. He is in no hurry. He cups my white breast through my brassiere and then finally, oh sweet Lord finally, puts his lips on mine. I am in a hurry, I am shameless. I thrust my hips at his crotch. I need him.

He raises my dress to my waist and slowly kneads my buttocks. As my hands are free now, I pull him closer to me in an embrace. He keeps my lips locked, as his hands raise my dress to my stomach. His hands are everywhere, on my stomach, on the flare of my hips, on my breasts.

I do not remember discarding my dress and guiding him to my bedroom. He tells me his name is Guido, and I do not believe him for a minute. I do not care.

Standing before him in my bra-panties, I feel surprisingly shy for a housewife who is fucking a stranger at eleven in the morning. I am aware of the small yet noticeable roll of fat just below my navel. I am afraid, Guido will see my breasts sag when he takes my bra off. He is stripped to his underwear and his strong body and beautifully, evenly dark skin only makes me conscious of my pale, soft body. Guido moves closer and fumbles for my bra hook. I help him and let the straps fall. Guido murmurs something in a tongue I don't understand but his expression tells me it is a compliment. He bends down to take my nipples between his teeth and bite on them gently. I collapse in the bed that I share with my husband of fifteen years. Guido rolls on top of me.

Now Guido is done being patient. He yanks my panties down in a savage jerk that leaves a gash of his dirty nail on one of my thighs. I scream in pain, and that scream becomes a long moan of passion as he thrusts his cock in me without bothering to check if I am ready.

His hands again pin my hands over my head and he grips my legs in his own strong ones. I am almost pinned to the bed in this position, and as Guido thrusts at a frantic pace, all that I can do is to let out long moans, and thrust my hips at him. His mouth is hungry, it is everywhere. It is sucking at my neck, it is giving a love bite on my breasts. He even kisses my armpits and that just sends me over the edge. I am begging for him to let go of my hands. He does not understand or cares, and keeps banging away.

Ladies, did your man like flip you midway through sex lately? Guido does exactly that. He makes me sit on my hands and knees, facing away from him. Then without any warning or provocation, he slaps my rump hard. 'Oh I am fucking him exactly like he wants and he is still hitting me? And why am I getting so turned on by that?' When he enters me from behind, my scream is loud enough to be heard across the street. He grabs my breasts through my armpits and hammers away again. The bed is creaking the way it has not creaked in, oh, last ten years or so.

Guido takes maddeningly long time to cum and the moment is again preceded by a couple of light slaps on my rump. It is some kind of thing with him, it seems. The brute keeps me pinned beneath him while murmuring unintelligibly.

I wish to take a shower with him, but know better than pressing my luck. I follow him downstairs dressed only a hastily pulled cotton tee. I pull him down and kiss him hard for one last time, before letting him out of the house. We make no plans for the next day. He may return tomorrow or never again in his life.

I walk upstairs and before jumping in the shower check my messages. My husband has texted reminding me that we have to attend a rally in the town this afternoon. I stand near the window and text him back while watching Guido walk away. He pauses only for a moment to touch the Trump 2016- Making America Great Again bumper sticker on our family station wagon. TC mark

15 Women Confess What Anal Sex Is Really Like

Posted: 23 May 2016 05:00 PM PDT

Neto Baldo

1. "I personally did not enjoy trying anal, I thought it hurt like a bitch and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. It almost made me feel like I had a pit in my stomach. I wanted him to stop the whole time, but I was too scared to say anything until he asked me." –Michelle, 24

2. "The first time I had anal it was an accident. His dick slipped and went in my ass when he was penetrating. I was kind of confused because it felt tighter, but since we were having normal sex first and he didn't warn me he was going to put it in my ass I honestly couldn't tell until he said ‘oops.'” –Bridgette, 25

3."Anal is phenomenal. It really is another option to intensify your sex life as long as you're open to it." –Melissa, 30

4."The guy I was hooking up with at the time had a huge dick so I was REALLY nervous about letting him try, but I eventually let him. He put a ton of lube on and it made it a little easier, but it still felt like my asshole was ripping. I've done it with guys with smaller dicks and it felt much better. Bigger is not better in terms of anal, at least in my case." –Samantha, 28

5."My husband begged me to try anal for so long and I finally gave in because we made a deal. Now we regularly have anal, not every time we have sex because that really hurts your butt hole, but we throw it in there to keep things interesting and we both thoroughly enjoy it." –Carly, 36

6."I actually prefer anal sex. Everyone has their "thing" and mine is anal sex. I love the way it makes me feel, almost dirty, like I'm being a bad girl and going against what everyone says I shouldn't do." –Katie, 25

7."Anal was AWFUL. I would never do it again. It hurt so bad and I'm so embarrassed but after he pulled his dick out a little poop came out. I was absolutely mortified and I will never do it again in my life." –Cassandra, 21

8."I tried anal and it was okay. I wouldn't ask someone to shove their dick in my ass that's for sure, but I also wouldn't yell at someone for accidently slipping it in back there. It just didn't do anything for me. I guess I'm more of a traditional kind of girl." –Rachael, 25

9."My old boyfriend actually broke up with me because I asked him to try anal. It's okay because he sucked in bed anyways and he wasn't open to ANYTHING. I've heard a mix about it, but I've always been open to trying new things in bed to keep my sex life interesting. Apparently he thought it was weird, which is fine because my current boyfriend and I love it." –Bella, 31

10."The first time I ever did anal I actually did it to please my boyfriend because he had been begging me to try it. Turns out I actually enjoyed it myself and now it's part of our routine. (Tip: If you've never done it before have him finger your ass first, it helps.)" –Riley, 23

11."If you want to do anal you have to lube up, go hard and go fast because to me anal is not something that should be nurtured. Doggy style is the most effective way to feel it if you're looking for depth." –Sara, 28

12."I tried anal and NEVER again. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I don't know if the guy just didn't know what he was doing or didn't care if he hurt me, but I started crying and made him stop. Nothing will ever enter my backdoor again." –Lexi, 20

13."Anal is only shitty the first minute (pun not intended), but once you get warmed up you're golden. It really doesn't hurt that bad, as long as he doesn't go too deep. Anal is not intended for depth in my opinion." –Danielle, 28

14."Anal makes me feel closer to him, therefore I enjoy it more. It makes me feel like it's the closest we could ever possibly be no matter how tight he is holding me. It's something I can't explain and that right there makes anal worth it because of the intimacy factor." –Jackie, 34

15."I would pay to never have another person ask me if I want to have anal again. It was so painful I could have burst into tears, if you want my advice don't do it. Stick to the vagina, it feels much better and that's where it's meant to be in my opinion." –Ruth, 29 TC mark

I’m No Longer Apologizing For Being Me

Posted: 23 May 2016 04:00 PM PDT


I used to apologize for everything. "Sorry I'm so crazy," "sorry I said that," "sorry I'm so insecure," "sorry I didn't come out last night," and so on. Now, apologies are necessary if you did something wrong. However, none of what I just wrote was "wrong." I apologized for being me for a long time. Well, I gave that up, just like a bad habit.

First off, I'm a girl and I definitely can be crazy. Guess what? If you don't make me crazy, I won't be crazy. It's that simple. If I'm not dating a boy who lies and is shady, you won't see my crazy side. If you aren't rude or disrespectful to me, I won't make you feel like you’re two inches tall and remind you why you shouldn't mess with my 5'2" stature. Girls are called crazy, because in situations where we don't know the outcome or we have a bad feeling, our anxiety and research skills come into play. Don't hate us because we're resourceful or because you have something to hide.

I'm not going to apologize for acting out in a situation I've been placed in.

I will never apologize for something I have said if I truly meant it. Am I sorry it hurt your feelings? Yes, of course. However, you came to me because you knew I was going to give you 100 percent of the truth. If you didn't want the truth, you would have gone to someone who sugar coats things and I don't know how to do that. I won't apologize for being honest, ever. Besides, I couldn't lie or sugarcoat things even if I tried. If you know me, you know my face says it all and I won't apologize for it. I am not rude or disrespectful by any means, but I have an opinion and I'm damn sure I don't care if you hear it.

I am sorry that I am insecure, but that sorry isn't for anyone else to hear.

It's for me and my body. I apologize to my body for not giving it the care it deserves as a strong and beautiful piece of this world. I am sorry for treating it poorly, time and time again and hating it every day. I am truly sorry that I have wasted 24 years not loving it and I will do my best to work on that every day. That's between me and myself. You better believe you'll never make me sorry for showing you my vulnerable side.

I've had too many people in my life that have tried to use my insecurity as power and that low point in my life is long gone, so don't try me.

I have come to terms with the fact that I am 24-years-old and I should still act young. My best friend and I should spend a Thursday night, drinking beer or sangria until 1am. I should be out dancing all night on a Saturday. However, if it's a Friday and you're dying to go out and I'm in sweats, my face is washed and I'm 4 episodes of One Tree Hill deep on Netflix, with a glass of wine in my hand, chances are I'm not moving. I won't apologize for needing a night to myself, ever. I can be loud, social and the life of the dance floor when I'm feeling it…but sometimes I want to be antisocial and crawl into the walls of my room and never come out. I'll never apologize for needing to recharge, no matter how "lame" it is.

I will never apologize or feel like I can't voice my feelings about something. I feel very strongly about LGBT rights, human rights and my voice as a woman. If you don't agree with me, that's your opinion. However, I will never shade what I have to say, so that I don't feel like an outcast or because I'm afraid. I will stand up for what I believe in until the day I die and no one can take that from me. So, do me a favor and don't try to make me sound stupid over a topic I'm passionate about; it won't work.

We spend a lot of our time trying to please others and wanting to be liked by all things.

We're always trying to be the next fitness story, the girl with the latest hair or clothing style, the one listening to the new music or following the trend of whatever bracelet takes the place of the Alex and Ani.

I hate working out, I love my black hair and the fact that I can wear a Knicks jersey or a dress and feel good. I will blast a Wu-tang album, make you feel intimidated as I rap Nicki Minaj or jam out to my 60's records and not give a second thought about what Taylor Swift is doing. Maybe I'm not the prettiest and I'm not invested in the trend of becoming a fit girl for instagram, but I have who I need in my life and they love me for who I am; funny, sarcastic, truthful and unapologetically me.

I say, be yourself. People don't have to like you, but you have to like yourself.

Don't be afraid that society is going to call you a "bitch" for acting this way or that your stance as an independent woman is a cliche. Be your damn self and be proud of it. TC mark

I Wish My Dad Was Still Here To Meet You

Posted: 23 May 2016 03:30 PM PDT / CoffeeAndMilk / CoffeeAndMilk

It’s one of those things that quietly haunts me,
will always sit in the back of my throat whenever I meet someone wonderful,
whenever I can taste future in everything we do.
It will always be so bittersweet.
It will always be an orchestra at someone’s funeral.
It’s beautiful, but there is a sadness I can’t quell.
Even when I want to.
The violins are just too loud.

You will always be one of the best parts of my day.
You kiss me and it’s like nothing has ever hurt,
but that’s a lie,
we both know I have felt dirt on the grave.
Still, I found some inner strength to keep going.
It breaks my heart to know you’ll never know the best part of my youth. You’ll never know the first man I loved who taught me to look for kindness,
and a larger than life sense of humor.
You are everything my daddy taught me to love.

If we make it down the aisle,
I will always wonder what he would have said.
How he would have taken my hand and given it to yours.
Maybe knowing you would be his favorite is comfort enough.
He would have loved you so damn much. TC mark

This Is How I Fell In Love With You

Posted: 23 May 2016 03:00 PM PDT


I fell in love with you during midnight Skype calls. I fell in love with your goodnight texts and sunshine-filled good mornings. I fell in love with your voice over the phone when I couldn't sleep. I fell in love with seeing your face after months of not seeing it.

Each time I saw you I fell in love all over again.

I fell in love with kissing your cheeks. I fell in love with missing your hand in mine. I fell in love with you from three thousand miles away. I fell in love with you from ten feet away. I fell in love with you from one inch away. I fell in love with you every morning when I woke up. I fell in love with you every time I closed my eyes.

I fell in love with your laugh and small comments. I fell in love with your big eyes and your long hair. I fell in love with your toes, your legs, your hips, your stomach, your chest, your arms, shoulders, and neck. I fell in love with your anger and sadness. I fell in love with how lost you felt. I fell in love when you were mad at me. I fell in love when you smiled at me.

I fell in love with everything about you.

I fell in love with you when you broke my heart. I fell in love with you when I was crying on the floor. I fell in love with you when you fell in love with someone else. I fell in love with you when you said hello to me. I fell in love with you when you said goodbye. I fell in love with a story that is over for you, but I'm still stuck somewhere in the middle of it. TC mark

I Hope You Know There Is A Silver Lining To Your Heartbreak

Posted: 23 May 2016 02:00 PM PDT

Naim Naim
Naim Naim

It’s in the moments of anguish and sorrow we don't wish it upon anyone, especially ourselves. It can feel like so many things: a crushing weight on your chest, a fierce kick to your stomach, or like you've forgotten how to breathe. Sometimes you almost believe you can feel your heart pulling itself apart, fracturing itself into pieces. If you ask any normal person, "What is your biggest dream in life?" they aren't going to respond with "To have my heart shattered beyond all recognition." No one wants their heart to go through the agonizing process.

Honestly, I wish we lived in a perfect world. A place where we never had to question if he or she was the right one because we would all just as equally give our all to make another person happy if we said we loved them. Yet we don't live in that world; We don't have that luxury.

Barely any of us make it through this life unscathed and unaffected by pain.

When your heart breaks, the aftermath can do so many things to you. It can make you scared. Vulnerable. Reckless. It can also make you strong, resilient, and wise. Once you face the storm head on you realize you are still standing, or even if you're just crawling, that you're still alive. This wasn't the end for you. You faced down something you were terrified of and you came out on the other side different. I know when you look back on it you might wish you hadn't had to go through it. We say "But what if?" or "It could've been different." Yet there are no what ifs. It wasn't different. So now you take the hand you were dealt and you learn how to become better because if it. Because guess what? Being heartbroken has the chance to let you do that.

When your heart shatters, and the cracks form the spaces the you feel the cold air blow through, it can be tempting to fill them with various different things. We might want to seal it up with cement, holding us together and making it harder to get through. We can fill it with hatred or vengeance, and let it consume all that we are, cursing the people who put us in this place. We might try to fill it with temporary happiness, only to watch them dissolve and leave the cavities open again.

Yet we also have a chance to fill it them with empathy, expanding ourselves to understand others better.

Or fill them with hope for when the next time love ends up coming our way again. To even fill them with memories, so that we don't forget the lessons we learned before.

When your heart broke, it gave it a chance to expand and stretch beyond anything you could fathom, and guess what? It's still beating. It's still going.

And so are you. TC mark

This Is Why It’s Always So Hard To Move On

Posted: 23 May 2016 01:20 PM PDT

Yanko Peyankov

Leaving a place is a strange feeling, especially when that place has become your home. It's an ache in your heart of all that you will leave behind. It leaves you feeling empty and uncertain. It's more than just the pain you feel knowing you will miss the people because you already know you will miss them significantly.

It's hard to accept that they won't be next to you when you need them, but instead they will be hundreds or thousands of miles away. You won't be able to feel their touch when you need a hug so desperately when you once again went back to the same person who has broken your heart one too many times. You won't be able to lay in their bed with them and talk about your day; instead you will have to call them on the phone just to hear their voice. It's the start of a chapter without them, and that alone is greatly difficult.

As deep as the pain of feeling like you're losing your best friends and your life you’ve grown to love, it goes deeper than that.

You feel like you're losing yourself. You don't know exactly who you will be next or what the road ahead now holds. So you will cling to the person you were and you'll miss the person you were at that particular time in your life.

You have to accept you can't stay stagnant forever; you're always growing, changing, adapting and evolving. There are still greater things you have ahead and the only way to accomplish them is to let go of what's behind.

If you just graduated college you will miss the feeling of the freedom you felt during that part of your life. You will miss how carefree and fun loving you were. You'll miss how little responsibilities you actually had in the grand scheme of life. You'll miss the person you were because in reality you will never be that way again, just like the place will never be the same again.

You can go back to visit your college town, but it will never be the same. You can always walk the halls of your university, but the students you pass will no longer be your classmates. You can peak your head into a classroom, but those professors will no longer be teaching you. You can drive by your old college apartment, but you can't go inside. You can't walk through the front door you've stepped in so many times because it's become home to someone else now.

You will never be completely whole again, though. Part of your heart will always be somewhere else, with someone else. There are the pieces of you that will be left behind because you've put your whole heart into loving people and places and when you leave, part of your heart will eternally stay.

You've left part of yourself in the different parts of your life. You've become a different version of the person you've left behind. Maybe that is why it is so hard for us to move on sometimes because we've left pieces of ourselves behind everywhere we've been.

You'll not only miss the people, but you miss the person you were at that time and the place you grew to love because as a whole it will never be that way again, just like you will never be that way again. TC mark

Judging Male Sexual Attractiveness By Their Drink Of Choice

Posted: 23 May 2016 01:11 PM PDT

Craft Beer.

Rob Nguyen
Rob Nguyen

Craft beer drinkers are notoriously snobby and picky know-it-alls. They have sensitive little baby palettes that require very specific things otherwise they want nothing to do with it. They’re the kind of people that will cut you off mid-sentence to correct you, even if they’re correcting you with a fact that they just Googled on the sly on their phone. These are the men that have sex in exactly 3 positions that guarantee them the best orgasms, but they have no idea (or no care) to how it feels for their partner. They may be attractive under dim, hipster bar lighting, but in the cold light of morning you’ll see that they’re just kind of a dick.

Beer. Whatever’s On Tap.


A whatever’s on tap kind of a guy is a definitely going to be a good boyfriend and eventually, a really great dad. They are those chill, ‘friends with everyone’ dudes who can look at you from across a party and shoot you a smile that makes you go weak in the knees, but still be a social butterfly all on his own. He’s down to go out, but also down to stay in, and probably has a solid collection of sweatpants that he’ll always let you borrow. Whatever’s on tap guy is definitely attractive.

Beer In A Can.

Beer in a Can guy is someone you hook up with once when you’re kind of lonely and maybe having a day where you don’t feel sexy, and then pretend you don’t know when you run into each other in public for the rest of eternity. Not attractive. Nope.

Red Wine.

Quinn Dombrowski
Quinn Dombrowski

Red Wine drinkers are overly romantic, almost to a fault. They are the kind of guys who will quote poetry over dinner, overuse the words ‘soul’ and ‘heartbeat’, and maintain an almost uncomfortable level of eye contact. At first it will seem sweet and get you all twitterpated at the thought of having your own Noah who’s ready to build you a house, but that much romance can be smothering and suffocating. A Red Wine drinker is definitely attractive, but the chemistry has an expiration date.

Whiskey Neat.


Whiskey Neat is the bad boy you find yourself fantasizing about at 1 in the morning. He’s kind of an asshole and is never going to fully commit, but he probably went down on you for hours until you came 17 times so that’s something. He’s insanely good in bed and you know he’s bad for you, but you’ll still have a hot and heavy tryst until you decide you need something a little more steady. 10/10 is attractive.


Clifton Johnston
Clifton Johnston

Margarita Guy is full of good intentions and bad jokes, but he’s just not someone you find sexy in any way shape or form. Maybe in 30 years when it’s socially acceptable to wear a shirt with ferns on it as something other than a joke, but not now. Sorry Margarita Guy, unless we’re on a cruise ship where by default everything is acceptable, he is not attractive.

Vodka Soda.

Thomas Hawk
Thomas Hawk

A Vodka Soda drinker is the epitome of hot body, bad personality. Or probably, in all honesty, no personality. Vodka Sodas are boring, and so are the people who drink them.

Any Specialty Cocktail From The Menu.

Hannah Bluedawn
Hannah Bluedawn

Any man who is comfortable enough with himself to order and consume something with a name like ‘Bahama Mama’ or ‘Skip and Go Naked’ is a man you want to be with. He is the kind of guy who can turn just eating spaghetti at home while The Voice is on in the background into the most fun night you’ve ever had. He is clearly adventurous, spontaneous, fun, and doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks of him. He is absolutely attractive.

Gin And Tonic.

Yelp Inc.
Yelp Inc.

G&T drinkers are attractive, but in that silver fox kind of way. He is the Roger Sterling to the Whiskey Drinker’s Don Draper. A G&T drinker is the kind of guy who you know can take care of you – and probably wants to. He definitely owns a tuxedo, never rents. He is 100% attractive.

Four Loko.

Kyle James
Kyle James

Any guy who maintains a love of Four Loko or anything that needs to be consumed with a paper bag covering it is not someone you should even be considering. Love yourself more. TC mark