Thought Catalog


Why It’s Totally Okay To Be Clingy In Relationships

Posted: 03 May 2016 08:00 PM PDT

Dmitry Ratushny
Dmitry Ratushny

If you google the phrase “clingy in a relationship”, pretty much 9 out of 10 search results will come up with a negative, dismissive tone while the remaining 1 is probably urban dictionary explaining what clingy means.

“Clingy” has long been deemed as one of the most undesirable traits that could instantly turn off any level of interest. It’s the bomb you drop on the first date if you want to send any dating prospect off to NOPEville. In a nutshell, no one, I repeat, no one wants to be seen as clingy.

However, nowadays people throw that word around too easily and sometimes people are wrongfully labelled clingy. Though, even if they’re really being clingy, it doesn’t always have to be such a bad thing. Here’s the reason why it’s totally okay to be clingy in a relationship:

It’s normal and okay to want to spend a lot of time with your girlfriend/boyfriend/partner.

When you really like someone, no matter at what stage of the relationship, there’s absolutely nothing wrong about wanting to be with the star of your dreams all the time. It’s in our human nature. It’s just as basic as feeling hungry and wanting food.

In most cases, the clingy lover is actually the lover whose needs aren’t met, who doesn’t feel appreciated in the relationship and that’s why it brings up insecurities and consequently, leads to attention-seeking behaviors. Inherently, it’s not the clingy lover that is wrong. It’s simply that their desires just aren’t reciprocated on the expected level.

So instead of blaming yourself for “being too much” and trying to fix what isn’t wrong in the first place, know that it’s okay to feel this way and communicate with your partner openly and honestly about your needs.

Someone who complains you’re too clingy might well be just not that into you.

Let’s stop for a second and ask yourself this: If you really, really like someone, would you be annoyed by this person wanting to be with you call it clingy, or would you wish to see them all the time and get jumpy and excited whenever you hear from them?

I don’t know about you but I would be so damn happy and flattered if my crush was ever clingy to me! Even when I need my me time, because I like him so much, I wouldn’t react negatively to his desire to be with me no matter how intense (I wish, seriously!), or use it as a reason to break off.

If someone breaks off with you because you’re too clingy, unless you’re at restraining-order-required level, sorry my dear, chances are high they’re already put off by other reasons and your clingy triple texts ain’t one. If anything, it’s probably just the last drop that makes the cup run over.

If that’s how you love, then be it.

Some might say clinginess comes from insecurities which means it needs to be fixed. However, for some people, it’s just who they are and the way they love. They need that much of attention and contact. They are that intense, that passionate, that crazy for love. So be it.

There’s no shame in being true to yourself. Actually, you should be true to yourself all the time and embrace every ounce of that clinginess if there’s any. Just because someone doesn’t want you the same and thinks you’re being clingy doesn’t mean everyone agrees with that or there’s something wrong with you.

To be fair, whether someone is clingy or not is totally relative. Do you know that clingy isn’t even a thing in some Eastern societies, for example Chinese or Vietnamese? These collectivist cultures don’t promote independence and so in relationships, couples stick together all the time and clingy is even what’s considered normal.

There are people who want a clingy lover. 

Remember this: You’re not for everyone. You’re for the people who value you and appreciate you for everything you are including being clingy if that’s how you love. There are many, many people out there who would love to be with a clingy lover, who think your level of clinginess is absolutely healthy and normal and flattering. Don’t settle for less than that. Maybe you just haven’t found the right one yet.

That being said, if you believe being clingy is in fact an indicator of a much deep-rooted emotional wound, or it has consistently posed a problem to all of your relationships or even your life, do look into it and make some changes, or even ask for help. This is the chance to learn more about yourself and find out what works best for you! TC mark

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I Want To Love Myself, But I’m Too Busy Loving You

Posted: 03 May 2016 07:00 PM PDT

Look Catalog
Look Catalog

1. You influence my opinion on myself.

I can't help it. Even if I like the outfit I'm wearing before I leave the house, I'm going to like it a little less if you don't end up giving me a compliment or even looking my way. My confidence wavers, depending on whether or not you show interest in me. It's not the way I want it to be, but it's the way it is.

2. I care about your happiness more than mine.

I want to make you happy. But our happiness seesaws, so whenever your spirits go up, mine go down. I always have to choose between giving you what you want and taking what I want, and I always choose you. That's why I always end up miserable.

3. I don't have time to work on myself.

I want to love you right. I want to buy you impromptu gifts and give you back massages and take you out on dates you'll never forget. But when I do all of those things, I'm taking away precious time I could be using to pamper myself.

4. You're the only thing I can think about.

I should be focused on my career, on my schooling, and on my friends, so I can reach the place I want in life. But I have trouble concentrating on my work, because you keep drifting in and out of my thoughts. You're always there to distract me from the more important things, the things that could help me learn to love myself.

5. I want your love more than I want my own love.

I don't care if I see myself as a desperate attention-seeker, as long as you see me as something special. I'm more concerned with your perception of me than my own self-image, and that's a problem. I'll do anything to make you like me, and that's why I don't like myself very much.

6. It seems pretty damn difficult.

I know every single thing I've ever done wrong. I can vividly recall all of the fights I've started and tears I've shed. Learning to love myself seems like an impossible task, so I'd rather focus on making you love me. After all, you don't know all the crap that I know.

7. I have no incentive to like myself.

"You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else" is bullshit. If I thought the phrase spoke the truth, maybe I could take a step back from you and work on myself, but I know it's a lie. I'm not a fan of myself, but I've loved before. That love was just as valuable as anyone else's, so why should I even bother to learn to love myself?

8. …But it's something I know I have to do.

If this is what you do to me, if you stop me from appreciating my body and recognizing my inner beauty, then I can't keep loving you. I have to let you go. I don't mind spending a few months alone, if it means I'll have enough time to learn to love myself. And when I'm ready to date again, I'll find someone who will accept my love while letting me leave enough room in my heart to love myself, too. TC mark

Since You Will Not Let Me Love You, I Have To Let You Go

Posted: 03 May 2016 06:00 PM PDT

neptunauta
neptunauta

I open my eyes to see your face angled towards mine. My gaze drifts down your body and falls onto the intricate clusters of freckles that glaze you shoulder like spotted-doilies. Your chest rises and falls in unison with my own breath and your arms are tantalisingly close to mine.

I want to be nearer to you so I nuzzle my face into your springy-auburn hair. It smells of cigarettes from the night before. Last night at the party, in between the cigarettes that now linger in your hair, you found me inebriated and hollow on the stairs. When you pretended to care and enquired about the source of my sadness I finally told you the truth that had been bubbling inside me for months. You responded by telling me that you were too tied up to be with me.

What you said now swirls around in my mind as I gingerly move my fingertips towards your torso, careful not to move the sheets that we are now both tied up in.

As I trace the alabaster skin that curves around your rib, I yearn for you to place your hand on top of mine and clasp it around my fingers.

Instead you remain lifeless, except for the trail of air passing in and out of your nose.

I curl my toes against your foot until I feel your navicular bone. Instantly you pull away, just like that time at the cinema when our elbows accidentally met on the armrest and you pulled away.

Feeling unwelcome, I move my body further away from the warmth of yours and resort to tracing the arc of your eyebrows with my eyes. It is in this moment, as you sleep so close to me yet are so unattainable, that I feel it. I feel my heart drop from my chest and an emptiness in my stomach engulfs me like a sinkhole with the realisation that we will never be.

A panic sets in and I want to hold onto you, to this moment.

I want the birds to stop yapping and the sun to delay its light for a little longer. I want to wake you up, kiss you and tell you that, right now—while you're asleep and cannot hurt me—you are the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen.

I want to make you cups of tea in bed on rainy Sundays, buy you more funny socks to add to your collection and bake you a pumpkin pie. I want to sit up all night, drinking red wine and not fall asleep until we both collapse in a sweaty-giggly mess. I want to bury my face into your chest when I am sad and fall asleep on your shoulder when I've had just a bit too much to drink. I want to feel the palm of your hand on the small of my back when we are in public. I want to hold you so close to me that I can feel the vibration of your heartbeat through my own chest.

To put it simply, I want to love you until the last breath expires from my lungs and the last pulse beats through my veins – if you'd only let me.

Instead, I swing my legs out of bed, put my pants back on and wrap the duvet tighter around you like a burrito. Then I take one last look and I walk out the door, across the road and towards a future without you. TC mark

He’s Not The One Who Got Away, You’re Just The One Who’s Looking Back

Posted: 03 May 2016 05:00 PM PDT

Sam Wolff
Sam Wolff

You might be newly single, or debating your current relationship, or maybe you're just sitting here alone, wondering what if, and what could have been with that certain someone who got away.

You know the one, and I'm sorry to say it, but

THEY AREN'T COMING BACK.

The reason for this isn't because your mistakes are unforgivable, it's because you're looking back on time that is long gone.

You're reflecting on the past, which won't ever be again. Even if they were to leap back into your life, they wouldn't be the same, and neither would you.

But that's okay. Because you don't need the one who got away, and you don't need a dependency on finding that time when you were in love.

You need to love yourself now, and you need to have faith that you will meet the person you're meant to be with one day, even if it's not today.

It can be hard to tell when we've met the person we're supposed to be with for the rest of our lives. I know movies and books convince us that we'll just know when it hits us; but what happens when you fall hard fast, and often?

You might have thought you found the one, multiple times in your life, and that may have left you feeling disappointed time and time again. But when you let go of someone you once thought so highly of, for reasons you no longer remember, they disguise themselves.

They are the ones who got away.

It was so long ago; you can't fathom where things went wrong. They've aged well, I mean damn, they are looking good. So you think to yourself; what if.

That's your first mistake. You need to stop questioning if the path you took was the wrong one; it wasn't. Fate has a funny way of lining people up right where they are supposed to be. You might be feeling alone, hopeless, and unloved, but your person, the one designed to fit perfectly into the inner workings of your heart, is on their way (if they aren't standing in front of you already).

DON'T MISS OUT ON THEM BY CHASING AFTER A 'WHAT IF'.

Breakups sometimes happen suddenly. We overreact, and sometimes we're just too young to know what we love. But in your past relationships at least one of you, if not both of you made the choice to separate for some reason and you owe it to yourself to believe in that.

So often we find ourselves looking back and drawing conclusions on scenarios that we didn't originally pay attention to when they really mattered.

Imagining what could've been doesn't make it happen again, and although that person seemed like everything you wanted; that person simply didn't suit everything you needed.

Love extends further than the way our minds distort it to. We tend to remember monumental moments; the best times, and the worst times.

Maybe you have so many good times with that person that it outweighs the bad ones. But what you may be forgetting is that the bad times were bad enough for you or for them, to give up on what you two had.

Giving up, in any form, is giving up.

Deciding years down the road that it was a mistake isn't a guarantee that things could work out again, and you need to be strong enough, to prove to yourself that you're done looking back.

You're so worth looking forward to.

You may very well go back to relationships from your past, and that's okay. But you can't spend your days forcing those past relationships back into your life. Those moments have faded for a reason, and there are so many new, wonderful, exciting memories to be made.

Go meet some fresh faces or sit at home and enjoy some time with yourself. If there's one thing I know for certain, it's that love comes in unexpected places. You can't look for it, you can't overthink it, and you especially can't hope it's found in the shadows of your past.

The one that got away is long gone now, but that's nothing to be sad about. The one around the corner will come soon enough, and you'll be so grateful you waited. TC mark

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Why Sex With An Ex Is So Damn Addictive (According To Women)

Posted: 03 May 2016 04:00 PM PDT

Joel Sossa
Joel Sossa

1. The feelings were still there.

I thought that maybe if I continued to have sex with him that maybe he would fall back in love with me the way I loved him. I never got the closure I needed and thought that having sex with him might help me get over him. But every time we were together the feelings only got stronger. I was killing myself over him.

— Kyla, 27


2. It's comfortable.

When I have sex with him I don't have to worry about if my thighs look too big, or if my vagina is perfected shaved, or if he thinks my nipples are weird looking, or any other insecure thoughts that run through my head in bed. He knows me and I don't have to worry about his opinion because he's already seen me at my worst and I'm not trying to impress him.

— Beth, 29


3. He's really good in bed.

There's really no secret here, we dated, we broke up, and we still have sex. You would have sex with him too if you knew how good he was at it. We really don't talk much unless we're making plans to meet up and I'm actually cool with it. He's a good guy, he just wasn't someone I could see myself with forever and it was the same for him.

— Carly, 26


4. I miss him.

I'm not in love with him anymore, but I still miss him. It's that strange miss where you find yourself thinking of him when you're lonely or when something that reminds you of him comes up. Even though we've grown apart when we have sex it's like for that time we're together nothing has changed and that's the time that I cherish and that's the time he will also be his raw, vulnerable self with me like he used to. Outside of that time he's just not the man I loved, but I get to see parts of him there.

— Samantha, 25


5. I want him when I'm drunk.

When I'm drunk I can't control my feelings for him and always look for him for sex. I want him bad, I find myself doing stupid things like snapchatting him or texting him, because when I'm drunk he's all I want. I'm strong when I'm sober, but it's so much more challenging when I'm not. He's my biggest weakness and I always hate myself in the morning if I stay the night.

– Amanda, 23


6. I haven't fully gotten over him.

He's my nicotine; I think I'm addicted to him. I still try to reach out to him over random things, but if it doesn't involve sex he doesn't care. I know he's already moved on because realistically I should have too, but I’m not at that point. Sex with him is the only connection we really have left and I know I shouldn't give into him, but I really can't stop as long as he's still asking.

— Laura, 24


7. Our relationship ended a while ago.

I still have sex with my ex now that it's been over a year. We've both grown up and can have a more mature FWB relationship. I'm not sure why I do it to be honest, maybe because it's easy and it's there. It doesn't hurt my dating life at all; I'll still go on dates and have sex with other people. He's just kind of there in the background.

— Miranda, 30


8. We're basically friends with benefits.

We knew we weren't good for each other, that's why we had to call our relationship off. It was kind of mutual so it didn't end badly, but we still have sex. It's casual and we do our own things, but it's still nice to know that he's there for me in a friend way if I need something. I'd say we make better friends with benefits anyways, less to worry about and more fun.

— Lila, 27 TC mark

Things Will Only Get Better If You Stick Around For It

Posted: 03 May 2016 03:00 PM PDT

Joel Sossa
Joel Sossa

Hi there.

We’ve never met, but I feel like on some level, I do know you. Like maybe somewhere in a past life, we were schoolyard pals and I got in trouble for bossing you around a little too much. And here I am, still giving you unsolicited advice. Here I am, still trying to convince you of something you’re not sure you want. I’m sorry, I should learn to stay in my own lane.

But not right now.

I know things have been extra hard for you lately. There’s a heaviness that weighs on your chest when you wake up. You feel like Atlas, holding up a sky that you didn’t ask for. You’ve been wondering if it’s worth it, like no one really understands what you’re going through or how you feel. And you know what? Maybe they don’t. We can’t expect others to ever fully know what we’re experiencing; it’s impossible.

But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to. That doesn’t mean they aren’t waiting to help, if you ask them to.

You can’t see that right now. You’re too focused on the pain and the hurt; I get it. The light at the end of the tunnel everyone has promised hasn’t appeared and you’re afraid it never will. Everything is too dark. Everything is too out of reach.

But here’s the thing, the light might be just around the corner. The light might be at an angle that isn’t visible to you at this moment in time. But if you stop driving, you’ll never find it. If you pull over on the side of the road, I promise, that light will never show up. You have to continue navigating. You have to keep your foot on the pedal.

Trust me, the waiting is one of the harder parts. Life has a tendency to feel like whatever is currently happening is all that will ever happen. Think back to when you were 13 or 14. Everything seemed forever. The embarrassing moment in school would haunt you FOREVER, you just knew it. But it passed. It faded. And before you knew it, it became a story you told with laughter. It became just another part of your story.

Your story is constantly being written and rewritten. There are chapters that will suck so hard. And that’s not poetic or encouraging, but it’s the truth. Not everything you go through will come with a silver lining. Sometimes, things are just shitty. But you flush that toilet and keep going.

arieastman
arieastman

Right now, you’re wishing you had that remote control like in that (strangely emotional) Adam Sandler film. You want to just fast forward this part. You want to skip right to the good stuff. If I knew how, I’d help you do it. Because the good stuff is just so sweet.

But there is no way there except to get through this. In order for things to get better, you have to stick around. You have to keep fighting. You have to keep choosing life. You have to keep choosing yourself.

I promise, this world is not always kind, but at least you can be kind to yourself. You can give yourself a chance. You can give yourself the world. TC mark

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This Is The Truth About The Person You Love Next

Posted: 03 May 2016 02:00 PM PDT

masterone
masterone

There are moments in a person's life that make you reconsider every single choice you've made in your life. Though these moments are rare, they can provoke you to make soul crushing decisions. The most notable but highly underrated experience is: your first heartbreak. It could have been your childhood sweetheart; a person you just met but had impeccable chemistry with or even a fellow co-worker whose interest you never took seriously. If you're lucky, your first love will not disappoint you. But if you fall under the vast majority, that one crushing moment will feel like it will never leave you, even when the person already has.

You think that you're not ready for life, that you're stuck between the limbo of never getting better or Maybe-I'm-getting-better phase through I'm-over-it curveballs. This is when life will surprise you. Life will shake you, wake you. This is when your second love appears.

I don't think you ever notice when they appear. You never imagined the depth of their presence, how thinly cut the chances of time or coincidence are to have led to your paths crossing.

You never take into consideration how important they would be in the hours, days, months or years to come. That their love is one which slowly seeps into your skin, as you lay on the brink of uncertainties of maybes. The constant fear of them leaving is expected, as you convince yourself that it'd just be better if they left sooner than later.

Your second love will never be like your first. You know in theory that this is true, but with the start of something new, it feels like you can never be sure if you've really put the past behind you. In the beginning, you are making mental notes of the way they said things differently, of how they talked differently, or how they showed their love differently.

You were accustomed to the way your first showed you how to love, but you need to embrace being taught a completely different kind of love. This is the one that refreshes and invigorates your drawn and tired soul.

The old paths begin to converge with the new, and though the history stays the same, the future yields the change you had so badly yearned for in the beginning but never expected to have. Not in your wildest dreams.

Your second love will reassure you of their conscious choice to choose you. They will come up with the most logical, practical and heart felt reasons why they will choose you over and over again in a heartbeat. They will accept your past, that you, wide-eyed with eyes full of wonder, fell in love the first time because it required no past experience to remind you of the pain of a fall. They will watch you fall asleep and remind you to be courageous for yourself, to fend for yourself against your past demons. They hope that you would trust them, because they know without trust that this love cannot stand.

Your second love will help you understand the profundity of love and that it is an ability that every human being is able to exercise. They will stay through the fights and the tears. Most importantly, when they come so unexpectedly, it is when you realize why it never worked with anyone else. TC mark

7 Reasons Why Everyone Needs A Friend Who’s A Taurus

Posted: 03 May 2016 01:00 PM PDT

Richard Torres
Richard Torres

1. No one gives better dating advice than a Taurus. They’re so fiercely independent that their attitude is kind of “okay bye then” if someone isn’t giving them what they want. This is a healthy does of reality that puts most of your drama into perspective: if you don’t like what’s on the menu, you can always go to a different restaurant.

2. But they are totally loyal and devoted to their (small) inner circle. If you are a trusted confidante to a Taurus, congratulations. This is an elite position you have to spend time earning, but once you do you’re basically in for life. Your Taurus friend has your back no matter what, ride or die, and they’ll protect you from anyone who says otherwise. At times they can even feel like a protective older brother or sister, but you know it comes from a place of deep loving and caring about your wellbeing.

3. They’re a rock. You won’t have to put up with crazy antics with a Taurus. They’re mature and stable, always direct vs. dramatic. They’re the old souls of your friend group who are fanatical about maintaining an even keel and avoiding drama.

4. They are the dependable friend who will always bet here when you need them the most. Life happens and suddenly you can find your usually capable self in need of help. From saving you from sudden inconvenient events like a car accident or getting stranded after a night out to the really dark times when you couldn’t keep going without the support of your loved ones — a Taurus will always be there with you.

5. A Taurus can have fun doing anything. As an earth sign, they are naturally laid back. They derive joy from simple things: good food, good music, and good people. As long as their basic needs are met, a Taurus is able to have a great time.

6. They have the best taste in everything. As a friend to a Taurus you’ll have a built in curator who knows all the best restaurants in town, introduces you to the best music, and (if they’re your partner) knows how to have really good sex. Everything that has to do with touch, taste, or any other sense is an area every Taurus is an expert at.

7. They’ll make you feel more loved than anyone else. One of the negative traits associated with Taurus is their stubbornness. While it’s true that it’s hard to get one to change their mind, this is a double-edged sword. You’ll never have to worry about them changing their mind about you. When a Taurus loves you, there’s a security there in knowing it’s forever. TC mark

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This Is Me Asking To Be Something More Than Just a Friend

Posted: 03 May 2016 12:00 PM PDT

Thought.is
Thought.is

I love you are three words that just don't seem to captivate what it is I feel. Because you're more than just someone who makes me feel safe. You're this place that feels like home. Like I found you and that's it, this game we've all spent our life playing is over.

So I'm asking you to love me. I'm asking you to be mine.

I know there will be complications and things we are each insecure about. I know it's a risk but with you I look into your eyes and I just think any risk is worth it.

My feelings have never been a secret. From every intense look to holding hands to every kiss that has always been our own best-kept secret.

I'll admit you've ruined me in a way. Because while we've each been each other's safety net when it comes to the world turning against us and everyone breaking our hearts I promise you I won't do that.

I promise to love you the right way. And I know you think it's a bad idea. I know you think this is unrealistic. But the idea of us maybe getting it right one day is the most realistic of dreams I've ever had.

Because we aren't just friends. We exchange I love you like it's mere hellos. We spend time together that is never wasted and engage in conversations in which we get lost in our own world sometimes.

I don't know if you feel my heart beating faster as you pull me in. I don't know if you see my hands shaking as you hold them. Because even though there have been others, of the consistent things in my own life has always been you.

We bicker like an old married couple sometimes. But there isn't a single opinion I value as much as yours. I think we each need someone who isn't afraid to put us in our place sometimes. You aren't afraid to offend me. You aren't afraid to call me out. But most of all even if it messes with each of our egos we aren't afraid to admit when we are wrong. And we come back apologizing and makeup again. There's a thrill to it really.

But we protect each other like family. Because every time something has gone wrong in my life you have always been the one I turn to. You are every first text. And with a single word you can tell if something is wrong. Just hearing my voice shake in a way many people would ignore you can tell what kind of a day I'm having. We've each been hurt by other people. And just as there is a long list of your exes I hate I know if you could you'd beat the shit out of every guy who has ever made me shed a tear.

You are always the one lifting me up. You're always the one saving me. I take so much pride in not needing people and being strong on my own. But of the most vulnerable things I'll ever say is I don't just want you, I need you.

We flirt like it's a first love sort of thing. And you are. Because I don't think I knew what love was until I met you. It's every inside joke we have that makes me smirk. It's this world we kind of live in all our own. It's you making me laugh when I don't even want to smile some days. I didn't ask to fall in love with you.

But more than anything you are my best friend. Which makes this more rather complicated and awkward if you don't feel as deeply. But something about it tells me you do or I wouldn't be taking this chance. I know there will be risks but I want to face them with you. I know I'm taking a chance here at ruining what this is we have and I'm sorry for that. But part of me feels like I'm living a lie and living half alive just being your friend when you are all I think about it.

Cause the truth is there isn't anyone I even care about half as much as you. And the truth is I can't imagine my life without you a part of it.

You're every standard I compare everyone else to and there's a reason they aren't matching because they aren't you.

So here I am putting my heart on the line. Here I am telling you everything and hoping for the best.

And if by chance you don't think this is a good idea I don't know if we can go back to the ways things were before, but I had to take this chance. But I'd more rather jump and hope to God this can be something then fearfully wonder what if. TC mark

21 True Police Stories Of Traffic Stops Gone Horribly Wrong And Hilariously Right

Posted: 03 May 2016 11:44 AM PDT

via Flickr - Fraternal Order Of Alaska
via Flickr – Fraternal Order Of Alaska

1. “Waiting For The Light To Change”

My dad has a friend who is California Highway Patrolman. He says that during a traffic stop, it’s fairly common for other motorists to pull over behind the CHP cruiser and ask for directions or something along those lines. So one night this guy has a car stopped and another car pulls over behind him. He heads over to the second car after he finishes ticketing the first car and the conversation goes like this:

COP – “Something I can help you with tonight?” DUDE – “No thanks officer, just waiting for the light to change.”

It becomes quite apparent that this dude is drunk as shit. And thought the multi-colored lights on the police cruiser was some sort of stop light.

2. Living On Drunk Time

Late on a weeknight I found a van sitting on the side of a county road. The driver’s side door was open and the driver was in the seat with his legs propped up sticking out of the window. I turned around and stopped behind him. The guy in the driver’s seat was very drunk and passed completely out. He wasn’t even aware I had showed up. I had to shake him to wake him up. When he came to, he looked at me for a second, straightened up in the seat, fixed his clothes a bit, closed the door, put on his seat belt, leaned out the window and said, “Is there a problem, officer?”

3. Remember, Your Car Needs Brakes

I was sitting at a red light at the end of my shift. The light turned green and I released the brake and started rolling. I saw a car on the cross street that wasn’t slowing down for the red light. The guy blew the red light right in front of my marked unit. I made eye contact with the driver who appeared terrified and was frantically stomping the brake as if there was a live poisonous snake under him. Apparently his brakes completely failed at that moment. Luckily, he didn’t hit anyone and was able to make it over some railroad tracks past the intersection. I hit the lights and stopped him as his two passengers helped him come to a halt Fred Flintstone style. We all had a relief laugh when it was over. I cut him a warning for defective equipment and reminded him that his car had a mechanical parking brake. In the panic he completely forgot about it.

4. Sexy Times Gone Wrong

Just 2 nights ago I stopped a car I thought could be a drunk driver at 3am. They were going 15 under in the fast lane and swerving. I hit my lights and they didn’t notice. I hit the siren and they slammed on the brakes (all signs of DUI) and all of a sudden the two people in the car start making frantic movements like they are hiding things. When I get out they are still moving around and I pull my gun on them and command them to put their hands in the air (I work in a pretty dangerous city) and I approached the vehicle. Turns out they were both half naked pleasuring each other and they were frantically trying to get their cloths on when I stopped them. I still wrote them a ticket for careless driving since they were all over the road..

5. Sassy Grandpa

My grandpa was a highway patrolmen for years. One day he pulled over a girl for speeding. Gave her a ticket an so on. That night he was at dinner with his family and overhears a conversation of a girl complaining to her friends “some dick cop gave me a ticket I was only going 15 over!” He then turned around and goes “sorry honey you were going 70 in a 45 don’t bullshit.” She then stopped talking and left.

6. The Fleeing Idiot

Not a cop. I’m a dispatcher. One of my units pulled up to an apparent disabled motor vehicle. Just as he gets out of the car one of the subjects exits the vehicle and runs across a busy interstate. A foot pursuit began and the driver of the “disabled vehicle” drove away. Madness ensued with officers from all departments in bordering towns showed up as well as tracking dogs and multiple helicopters. The guy got surrounded in the woods 10 minutes later and arrested. The driver drove right up to the gaggle of police cars looking for the other party and was arrested as well. Turns out the running subject thought there was a warrant out for his arrest. There were none…

7. This Officer Has Seen It All

Scariest pullover: It was a cool, crisp weekend night. I work graveyard shift in a large city so I am usually kept very busy. Except this night was different and so it was calm I was just cruising around not expecting much. Then I see it. The small brown pickup swerving from left to right like a cheesy nerf gun bullet. I stop the truck and approach the driver. He’s frightened looking and statuesque. His knuckles are white from squeezing the steering wheel. His gaze is straight and unrelentingly forward. As I pursue a battery of questions relating to his sobriety I realize he is not sober, nor is he aware I exist. I politely request that he remove himself from the vehicle, in which his no response was a refusal. I then demand it and get no response. His Nissan b-model truck’s door rattles when I open it and the man doesn’t stir. When I reached for his wrists to pull him ajar he struggled briefly. All my strength was focused on his left hand just as his right hand went down to the seat. His dirty skinned arm returned into my sight too quick for me to retreat and I stared, a millisecond, down at a syringe jammed into my forearm and dangling in the breeze. This was a long millisecond as it took me that long to divert all of my strength and adrenaline to removing him from his vehicle and proceeding to shatter his jaw with my fists during one of the shortest but craziest fights of my career. He had hepatitis C and HIV. Today he is eating blended foods as his jaw lost 95% range of motion. I am disease free 8 years after my rookie mistake if not checking his surrounding area visually. He managed, by my luck, to grab the only unused syringe among 5 sitting next to him. Yeah. Lucky me. Unlucky for him I am a MMA trainee and had been for years previously.

Weirdest moments, or should I say awkward: this happens frequently, but ends the same way every time. Some women expose their breasts to get out of tickets. That’s what this hot dirty blonde milf did one day in her Mercedes. She asked if I was gay when I didn’t react. I said “ma’am, not only am I not gay, but you are bribing a police officer through sexual means. If I except this bribe and do not write you a citation, I would have broken my oath as a law enforcer to hold everyone as equally accountable as another. I could very likely lose my job. You will also go to prison for bribing a law enforcement officer. So I will instead save us both the time and write you a citation as your actions have guaranteed yourself to earn. Also, my wife means much more to me than your much older breasts. You have court on…” She was pissed, complained on me and my sergeant told her “shut the fuck up.” Sometimes you don’t want to talk to the sergeants.

Funny: I pulled over Chewbacca on his way to a convention. It’s illegal to drive with masks as it interferes with your perception of the road. It was funny seeing him drive opposite while I sat at the longest red light ever. I looked at him in awe, then turned to see if anyone else had witnessed this. My eyes were met by those of a middle aged man in a corvette next to me. We laughed real hard before I flipped a bitch and tracked him down harder than Boba Fett does. Chewie did not get a citation.

Hardest mentally: during a code run (lights and sirens) to an alarm call I pass a car that’s hovering among the lane divider lines. It was a white Toyota SUV. I thought “fuck they’re drunk as I passed”. I was cancelled before I went on site thanks to my swift backup so I backtrack to find the SUV. It was now sitting among a ditch bank with the lights on. As I casually pull up and shine my million candle watt spot lamp in its direction, out jumps a woman in a night gown. She disregards me and runs for a bridge on the river. I didn’t notice at first, but as I gave chase and quickly caught up with her on the bridge I see that she’s holding rope. Among the rope is a poorly fashioned noose. In her feeble attempts to tie this rope to the bridge I begin talking to her. I realize that she is completely sober, but during the course of our brief conversation she has shed enough tears to fill a beer mug. Her gown is now drenched in tears. I politely take the rope from her and throw it aside. Her only words to me before I hugged her tight were “my husband is not coming home from Afghanistan…”. That was not a fun night, but I made a friend. I met Ashleigh in 2006, during a warm summer night. She’s an amazing person.

8. The Day The Puns Died

I had this funny little pun I always wanted to crack when someone was speeding.

So there I am, shooting with my laser and pulling over this guy in a Volvo. “That was a bit fast, may I see your pilot license?”

So the guy in the Volvo responds. “Sure thing”, and provides a pilot license.

At that moment I decided to stop making that joke, but I let him go with a warning. “Everything seems to be in order, drive a bit more careful from now on, will you?”

9. Suspicious Activity

Not a cop, but this happened to my dad’s good friend who got pulled over(who’s not a cop). Late at night my dad’s friend (George) is driving north from Florida to go to Chicago. Pitch black, no cars around. Suddenly he see the flashing red/blue lights and pulls over. The flashlight from the car is shining in his mirror and as the cop approaches he keeps his flashlight in George’s face, he cant see the cop’s face at all. The first thing the cop says is, “sir step out of the car.” George has this weird feeling something isn’t right and says, “sure, no problem, but do you mind if I see a badge or something first?” The cop says, “just get out of the god damn car.” George freaks out, hits the gas and books it, speeding to the nearest exit.

The cop didn’t come after him.

10. Perfect Answer To The Perfect Question

Not a cop but a volunteer firefighter. I once was driving in my brother’s car (so no emergency lights) when I got paged out to a house fire. I fly past a cop and he comes after me. When he pulls me over he comes up to the window and says “where’s the fire?” I took out my phone showed him the text with the address and said “here”. He let me go on my way.

11. Monkeying Around

I’ll tell this story on behalf of the cop that pulled me over. It’ll be from my point of view. So back in high school a few of my buddies were at the beach trying to think of stuff to do after the sun went down. Well we had this gorilla costume with us(always interesting to bring it out at random parties) and decided to jump out and chase people walking past the pier. It worked alright but not too many people were out that night so we decided to drive back to the house. On our way home we pass a police check point on an adjacent road that led off the island. The cops at the check point figure we are intentionally avoiding said checkpoint and two cop cars proceed to quickly pull me over one car in front of me and one behind me. A cop rushes to my driver’s side rear door, opens it and is startled and confused as a gorilla hand flops out. The other cops are now shining their lights in the back of my car and find our other random stuff including an absurdly large knife and a large net(for catching the gorilla). The cop ask me what the heck was I doing with a gorilla costume to which I replied,” Just monkeying around”.

He didn’t find the weed so he sent us on our way.

12. Convincing Evidence

I was running Radar and stopped this lady in a convertible for speeding. As soon as I walked up to her door, she apologized for speeding and said that her period had started and she was rushing to the store to buy some tampons. I was skeptical until she pulled up her skirt and I saw the blood stain. She was immediately sent on her way.

13. Teenage Humiliation

In a past career, I was a park ranger for the county metro parks. In our county, rangers are fully sworn officers so we were a police force, not just security guards.

One fall night I was sitting in a parking lot just listening to the radio when a car pulls in. As usually happens, as soon as the headlights hit my cruiser, they slam on the brakes and 3 point turn out of there. (No…. Not at all suspicious)

So, I watch the headlights go down the road and through the trees (fall, right? No leaves) I see them pull into another lot and park. I wait about 15 minutes, then without turning my headlights on, go after them.

I pull in the lot, then hit the car with my hi beams and spotlight. All the sudden a head pops up and the car wiggles. Ok, no big deal, just some kids. I approach the car and get the ids and all that, but while I’m talking to them I can see a wet spot start spreading on top of this kid’s thigh. Seems that he put his junk away a little soon and popped while I was talking to them. It was all I could do to keep a straight face and told them to get out of there.

14. Lost In Translation

My friend is a cop and told me this story from his rookie year. He pulls over a guy in a shitty car for a busted light. The guy is Hispanic and doesn’t speak English well. He’s acting all weird (probably because he’s illegal) so my friend starts searching him. He pulls out a bag from the dude’s pocket and its full of white powder. My friend is pumped because it’s his first big bust. He tells the guy something like “You’re in big trouble!”. The guy starts freaking out and says “QUESO! QUESO! QUESO!”. My friend doesn’t speak Spanish so he’s confused. The guy starts making hand motions to describe what he’s talking about. My friend decides to open to bag and sniff the contents. The bag was full of powdered parmesan cheese. My friend feels like a total idiot and sheepishly hands the man his cheese back and tells him to get his light fixed.

15. The Drunks At Whataburger

Not a cop, but they used to just hang out at the nearby Whataburger at 2 am (bar closing time) and wait for the 15 or so drunk people who would pull up one after the other to order drive through. They would wait for people to shout drunkenly into the mic, breathalize them, and take their keys. Watching it was terrifying and hilarious.

16. Taking A Bullet

My law teacher told our class about one of her good friends who was an officer. One night he was working graveyard shift and he was making his way back to the station to end his shift when he saw a van that had a tail light out. He pulled the van over with the intention of giving him a warning. As he approached the van, the driver stuck a gun out the window and shot at him several times, hitting him once in the vest. He called it in and they detained the guy soon after. Turns out he two little girl tied up in the back of his van. I always thought that was the most incredible cop story I have ever heard.

17. Hard To Argue With This

When my dad was 18, he got pulled over and when the cop came to his window he asked “why he was the only one that got pulled over when everyone was speeding?” The sheriff responded with, “When you go fishing, you don’t catch all the fish.”

18. The Day The Cabbie Ruled The World

Not a cop but was driving a cab one night during a police convention. Got a call at the Hilton, picked up 6 passengers and went. Going through an intersection on a yellow that turned red one of the passengers said something, I said “huh?” six badges came out. Real funny. They all laugh. I said “You guys want out here?” Silence.

19. Mercy At Its Finest

Not a cop, but I got pulled over one night on my way to work.

Cop asks me “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Me: “Probably because of my expired registration.”

Cop: “Yup, can I see your license and proof of insurance?”

Me: “My license is suspended and I don’t have insurance.”

The cop looks at me dumbfounded and says “Why the fuck are you driving then?”

I explain that I’m trying to get it all taken care of but it takes money and I’m on my way to work. So he goes back to his car and I’m thinking my car is getting impounded and I’m going to jail.

He comes back and says “Just get this taken care of.” And let me go.

Don’t bullshit and keep it real and things might just work out.

20. Littering And, Littering And…

My dad’s a police officer, but his favorite ticket to write is littering. He rarely ever gets to write one, so this is one of his favorite stories. He pulled over a guy who was speeding, and the guy was being kind of smart with him. My dad went back to his car to write the ticket and the speeder lit up a cigarette. My dad kept an eye on him while he was writing the ticket. Sure enough, the guy throws his cigarette out the window, and my dad got to write a second ticket.

21. So Smooth

Guy is driving down highway, goes by cop hiding under bridge, gets pulled over.

Cop: “I’ve been waiting here all night for you” with a smirk on his face.

Driver: “I got here as fast as I could.”

Cop: (Laughing) “Have a good night” and walks away. Cop said said it was just too great of a line. TC mark