Thought Catalog


16 Guys On The One Thing They Wish Their Girlfriends Would Do More (Or Less) Of In Bed

Posted: 31 May 2016 08:00 PM PDT

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Joel Sossa

1. "Be active. I’ve had multiple girls tell me how good they are at being on the bottom. I think sex should be fun and experimental, not just lying there like a bump on a log. Give me some indication you're into it." –Dave, 28


2. "Stop trying to make me profess my feelings during sex, my mind isn't that complex and I can't process everything I want to say." –Sam, 24


3. "More anal is all I wish. It's like once in a blue moon that we do it, I just wish she enjoyed it more so we could do it more." –Damon, 30


4. "I'm not asking her to deal with every erection I get, especially morning wood, but it would be nice if she was excited by it or at least acknowledged it with a surprise BJ randomly." –Billy, 32


5. "I don't want to hear 'aw' when I can't finish, which does happen to everyone from time to time, it pisses me off and I wish she would realize that and not pity me." –Mark, 26


6. "I just wish she'd take control sometimes. I know she likes to be dominated, but it's so hot when women just take control and lead the way it takes some of the pressure off us." –Derek, 27


7. "LICK THE BALLS. Seriously, I just wish she would pay more attention to my balls. They are so sensitive and it feels so good." –Tony, 29


8. "I wish she would let me do anal, I've done it before and it feels so much better and tighter. But nope, she refuses so no anal for me." –Christopher, 24


9. "I wish she'd stop slobbering all over my dick, there is a difference between a nice lube and just being a mess, she is a mess and it's kind of gross." –Jimmy, 23


10. "I wish she would be more into dirty talk, not all the time, but she just doesn't say anything. I wish she would tell me to fuck her harder every now and then, it would be such a turn on." –Sean, 30


11. "I wish she'd give me a hand job every now and then, I'd almost prefer it over a blow job, as long as she lubes up first." –Andy, 27


12. "I wish my girlfriend would let me watch her masturbate, it would turn me on so much and it would let me see what really gets her off." –Mitch, 29


13. "It would be nice if she complimented me while we were having sex, instead of me constantly second guessing if I'm too rough, or too on her or if she doesn't like something. It would just let me know she likes what I'm doing." –Drew, 25


14. "Put my fucking balls in her mouth. Seriously, she like won't touch them like she is scared of them or something. I don't think she realizes how good it makes me feel." –Dan, 33


15. "I really want her to finger my ass, it literally feels so good, but she rarely does it and I usually have to ask her too. I wish she'd just do it while were doing our thing on her own because she enjoyed it." –Xavier, 27


16. "I wish she would be more forceful in bed and more controlling. I wish she would tell me what to do and move me, instead of me usually guiding her. I also wish she'd scratch my back when she's on the bottom or say dirty things to let me know she's enjoying it as much as I am." –Phil, 26 TC mark

20 Quick Truths About Love Every 20-Year-Old Needs To Hear Right Now

Posted: 31 May 2016 07:00 PM PDT

Emmanuel Rosario
Emmanuel Rosario

1. You don’t need to still be falling for the person you loved in high school. The past is tempting, but being brave enough to move forward will help you in the long run.

2. You don’t need to find the love of your life in college. It might seem like everyone is pairing off, but in reality, you went to college to grow yourself – emotionally and mentally – not to find a husband or wife.

3. You have so much more growing to do than you think. But you’ve also learned a lot more than you think.

4. You don’t need to feel like your college hook ups define your love life. The only person who defines your love life is you.

5. There are still so many changes to come, which means your tastes and wants and who you love might change. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

6. Be hungry for love, but don’t be thirsty about it. In short: get into a relationship because you want to be with that one person, and not just because you want to be in any relationship.

7. Make your own rules about sex — who you want to sleep with, who you don’t, when the time is right. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says or thinks, it matters what feels right to you.

8. For every guy or girl who ignores you and doesn’t answer your texts, there is someone who will. So don’t get hung up on the ones who don’t give you the attention you deserve.

9. Breakups sting and leave you feeling like you won’t be whole again. But you will be able to mend your broken heart, and it will end up being stronger than it was before.

10. When it feels like things are turning out for the worst, try to find one positive thing that is happening as a result of the train wreck. Chances are that one thing is an open door you’ll want to peek into.

11. You are not limited to one love in your lifetime. Love happens more than once a lifetime, and it will for you, too.

12. There is no rule book for what does and what doesn’t constitute staying in a relationship, even if it becomes long distance. If you want to fight for it, you should, but if you’re having second thoughts, don’t write those off.

13. Love doesn’t always mean butterflies in your stomach and chasing someone you think is the “one.” Sometimes love is what happens when you know you can trust someone and be yourself with them 100% of the time.

14. The people you love, romantically, aren’t the only soul mates in your life. Make sure you give all the other soul mates in your life the attention they deserve.

15. Abandoning your friends because of your new significant other will never be a good idea. Don’t lose touch with the people who will always be there for you because you think your relationship is “supposed” to take up all your time.

16. If you’re in a relationship that makes you doubt yourself, pick fights, and puts you on edge more than it brings you joy, then you’re in the wrong relationship. And being “comfortable” in your relationship isn’t a good enough reason to stay in it.

17. If you have never been in love, or never been in a serious relationship, you are not “behind,” nor are you missing out. You are focused on you, and that is something that can attract love to you later on.

18. You’re allowed to change your mind about who you love and what you want. Nothing is set in stone right now.

19. When someone wants to be with you without a “label,” think about whether you’re content with an almost relationship, and actually be honest with yourself. Because you don’t owe someone else a favor as much as you owe yourself the truth about how you really feel.

20. Who you are supposed to end up with can’t be reduced to buzzwords like “soul mate” or “high school sweetheart” or “first love” or even “second love.” So if you don't have any of those right now, don't worry, because it's about so much more than that anyway. TC mark

Don’t Date A Girl Who Writes

Posted: 31 May 2016 06:00 PM PDT

Jesse Herzog
Jesse Herzog

Don't date a girl who writes.

Our passion will not keep you alive. It will suck you dry.

We will chew you up, spit you out, and use your blood as ink.

We will swallow you whole and taste your soul just so we can have something to write about. Like a madame to her brothel we will sell your love for likes, for shares, for page views, and commission; and we do so without shame.

I know you think it's romantic, but trust me –

The one time you unconsciously smiled at your ex will become a two-page essay about how the Big Bad Wolf was so insensitive towards little Red Riding Hood's plight.

The day you forget to do the dishes again will become a metaphor for how you only like to touch dirty things, like us.

The way you replied to our text message a minute longer than usual will become a poem about how your hands dug a hole in our chests to squeeze our black-stained lungs.

Are you ready to be the hero? Or the villain? No? Then unhinge your limbs from our limbs. These typewriter lips are forbidden fruit.

Don't mess with us. Don't break our hearts.  Save yourself the trouble.

Don't date a girl who writes. TC mark

I’m Done Apologizing For Missing You

Posted: 31 May 2016 05:00 PM PDT

isabelcoll
isabelcoll

Go ahead.

Call me pathetic. Call me heartsick, a masochist, ridiculous for hanging on to something that isn’t there. Roll your eyes and say you don’t get it. Judge me for admitting that I still sit up at night hoping that maybe you’re awake and thinking about me too.

Seriously. Go ahead.

Say whatever you need to say. Get it out. Say I should be over it by now. Say I’m doing this to myself. Say that this is just a waste of energy. Say whatever comes to mind about the fact that I’m openly and freely admitting that sometimes around a fire pit I wish you were the one telling stories. That sometimes when I hear your name, something in my heart still stings.

It’s fine. 

I miss you. And I’m done feeling bad about it.

I think there’s this belief that once you move on, once you heal from being hurt, that you’re never supposed to ache about someone ever again. That one day *POOF* you’re just over it and you’ll never feel sad again. That there is an expiration date for loneliness, for nostalgia, for that inexplicable feeling of wishing you could tell someone good news. And after that poof, after that expiration date, you’ll never feel those feelings again. They’ll be gone and you’ll be fine — never to feel sad again.

But that’s bullshit. 

Complete and utter bullshit.

When you love someone, and love them deeply, they’re connected to you. They become your home and your rock and your center. So when they’re gone, it’s natural to miss them. It’s natural to become homesick for places, and for people. It’s not good it’s not bad it just is. 

And sometimes I can’t help it; I’m homesick for you.

Not all the time. No, I’m not pining for you every minute of every day. I don’t obsess, don’t dwell, don’t sick twiddling my thumbs in a constant state of lonely misery.

But sometimes, I miss you. Something wonderful or exciting happens and I want to run up to you and show you. Something scary happens and I want to hear your voice reassuring me that it’s going to be okay. Something new is thrust my way and I want to talk it out with you and hear what you would do.

Sometimes, I just miss you.

And you know what? I’m done trying to hide it.

I’m done thinking that just because I get sad or miss someone or wish things weren’t the way that they are that that makes me weak or pathetic. I’m done swallowing down the things that burden me in the interest of saving face.

I’m done pretending like I don’t miss you, just because somewhere along the line, someone decided I wasn’t supposed to.

You were a part of my life. You were someone that was important to me, someone I cared for. You were someone worth missing.

I refuse to believe that shoving memories under the bed, pretending that nostalgic moments aren’t in the back of my mind, that pretending I do not miss you is healthier than simply admitting the truth.

I miss you, and I’m not sorry.

I loved you, and I’m not sorry.

And if that makes me pathetic, then so be it. TC mark

20 Realities You Must Accept Before You Can Truly Live Your Best Life

Posted: 31 May 2016 04:00 PM PDT

Hannah Morgan
Hannah Morgan

1. People come and go.

As I grew older, I realized my circle of friends became smaller. You’ll be so close to one person today, and suddenly you aren’t talking anymore. It’s life. People grow apart rather than grow as a part of you. Accept that and move on. Bringing me to my next point:

2. Every lesson has a price to pay.

There is no free lunch, ever. You have to pay for it one way or another. People leave for a reason, so learn from that and move on. Take that as a learning experience. Some broken relationships might be a blessing in disguise even if you don’t see it at the moment. You may be hurt, but you might be the one hurting someone else. When a relationship ends, it will hurt. And it’s okay to cry. Bawl your eyes out. However, after those tears, get your ass up and
move on. You can look back, and do it. Because it’s when you learn the lessons you paid with this relationship to learn. So learn it well. Look back, but remember: Never ever let it affect you so much you can’t move forward in life.

3. Keep people who care close to your heart.

These people are hard to come by. Generally, if someone acts to gracious towards you, they want something in return. You know who are true only when you fuck up. People who stick with you through your bullshit are real. That’s it. People who leave? Let them. There’s no point dwelling on nonsense like that. It’s not worth your emotions.

4. A relationship takes effort.

You need to constantly make an effort to nurture that r/s. Don’t neglect someone because you think they will always be there. No, they won’t. As time passes, you drift apart and that is how everything tumbles downhill. If you treasure that relationship, show it. Give every friendship your 100% and don’t be afraid to get hurt. Because even if it doesn’t work out, you know you’ve done the best you can. You did everything in your power and you have no regrets whatsoever.

5. Grass is greener where you water it.

You will often look at your peers, cousins, colleagues and close friends green with envy. They’ve got those achievements you don’t have, their life looks perfect. Or maybe that’s what you think. Everyone have their struggles no matter how great it looks. You never know. Just concentrate on your patch of grass, water it well, and it will grow longer and greener as days pass. Nothing comes easy, you have to work for your shit.

6. You can’t please everyone.

Never. You cannot. Do things you love, go all out. Say what you say, do what you do. You do you, and if there are people who hates whatever you’re doing, let them. People who matters will not care, and people who care, don’t matter. Don’t change yourself to please them, because they will not be contented. There will always be something for people to talk about. However, you need to know who to please to make your life easier.

7. Build meaningful relationships and build it well. Know who to please. (Boss, lecturer etc. you’ll need it)

By pleasing I don’t mean full on sucking on their balls and maybe even their dick. (You get what I mean.) No. I mean talk to them, know what they like, and what they don’t like. Go out for lunch with them. Don’t go sucking up to them, though. No one likes that. Just be there. Your presence mean everything. As time passes, bonds and relationships will be formed. Make sure you form it well. And it will do you good.

8. You. Need. Connections.

Get out, get to know people. Interact even if you hate it. We all need to start somewhere. Do volunteer, internships, and part-time jobs even if it means you’re doing the unpleasant tasks. Know names, take business cards, put your name out there and make sure you make an impression. Why? Because when you go out there and do shit, you’ll need these people. It’s easier to get to where you want to go when people already know who you are. So do yourself a favor.

9. No. One. Cares.

Stop. Complaining. About. How. Much. Your. Life. Sucks. Seriously, literally no one cares. So if it sucks that much, do something about it. The ball is in your court. You make a conscious decision to do something, you will be prepared to bear whatever consequences that comes together with it. Because at the end of the day, you’re responsible for yourself. No one will give worm poop about you.

10. No one owes you shit.

You are responsible for yourself. Your parents don’t owe you anything, your bosses don’t owe you anything, and your lecturers don’t owe you anything. You want something? You work hard and earn it. Don’t expect anyone to do anything for you. If they do, it’s a privilege, not an entitlement. Remember that.

11. Physical appearance isn’t everything. It’s how you carry yourself.

I’d rather someone love me for my personality and knowledge than my looks. Carry yourself with respect, confidence and kindness, all will be well. You see people talking shit about a pretty face with an ugly personality, but you never see people talking shit about someone who has an awesome personality but a below average appearance. As you grow older, you really realize, your physical appearance really DOESN’T MATTER.

12. Your pride is not everything.

It’s not. Your stupid pride isn’t worth shit. Put that pride down, and apologize when it’s needed. Friendships and relationships are worth far more than your stupid pride. Even if you hate your boss, you put that pride down and you say good morning when you see him. Because if you don’t say it, what do you think you’ll get out from it? Your useless pride and the risk of getting on that grumpy ass boss’s bad side. Not worth it.

13. You’re only truly happy when you make peace with yourself.

Don’t look at others for validation. You’re going to be let down very often. Validate yourself. Same goes for happiness. Don’t rely on anyone for happiness, you’re going to inevitably be let down. Love yourself. And be confident. It’s sexy as fuck. I’m fat? Great! Do you know how difficult it is to maintain a body fat percentage like that without it increasing or decreasing?! It takes hard work. Eating donuts at 12am isn’t easy when you need sleep too, okay? 🙄🙄

14. Don’t be afraid of ridicule.

People are bound to judge. They will pass comments. And they will not care about how you feel. Learn to laugh at yourself, you’ll find joy in that. Don’t not take what they say to heart. Analyze, and if it’s bullcrap, throw that away in the bin. Let them do them, and you do you! Use your actions and achievements to prove them wrong. However, do remember to take in constructive criticism. That’s how you grow.

15. Life is never fair. Never.

You work as hard as someone but they get what they want and you don’t? Suck it up. Life isn’t fair, and it will never be. Work hard, and if you work hard enough, you will get to where you want to be. Eventually.

16. Live by what you believe in, regardless.

Stick to your values and do not get swayed. You believe in second chances? Give that chance. You want to be vegan? Do just that. You want to be kind to people who least deserve it? Be kind as fuck. Don’t change who you are for someone who can’t accept you for you.

17. Count your blessings.

Always. Always. Always. You’ll never get everything you want in life, but that’s life. Be contented with what you have, and you will be happy. There will always be someone better, richer, more attractive. You’ll never win, so don’t. Strive for the best version of yourself, not the best of someone else.

18. Choose your battles wisely.

We all have our own battles to fight every single day. But choose it wisely. Is it worth fighting for? It is worth bruising your arm and cutting your knee? Prioritize. Also, very importantly, count your victories. A small step forward is a huge step in achieving whatever you want to achieve.

19. Always take a step back and view things from a different perspective.

There’s always two parts of the story. Always, always emphasize rather than sympathize. Put yourself in their shoes and understand why they do what they did. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture that is in front of you. More than often, we see things how we want them to be even though in most cases, it isn’t what our minds made it out to be. Emphasize, it’s a very empowering set of skill.

20. Be kind. Always.

Even if people take it for granted. Be kind. Kindness goes a long way. TC mark

I Couldn’t Help But Wonder, What If We Were Meant To Be Together?

Posted: 31 May 2016 03:00 PM PDT

klwsk
klwsk

I remember the day that we broke up. The way your voice cracked on the other side of the phone while I sat exasperated and tired trying not to sound like a bitch. I wasn't sensitive to the fact that you hadn't let go because for you it came out of no where, a perfect relationship suddenly ended, when for me it was different because I was convinced I was doing the right thing. I had already let go, I had already chosen myself over you.

The impact of the blast that was the end of our relationship still rings in my ears as I remember the bombs we threw at each other out of desperation and frustration. It could have all ended better, easier, and for the months after I carried that weight with me, silently convincing myself that I wasn’t at fault. Because at 23 you don't think anything's your fault. You take accountability for nothing and float in the water of things you don't know you don't know.

We spent months, and years not talking.

I grew up, I changed, I thought of you often and wondered how things would be if I hadn't walked away.

To this day I only regret the how and not the why because the why is easy. I needed to choose myself. I needed to be able to stand on my own two feet and find out who I was in a way that couldn't have happened if you’re in a relationship. There was a maturation that I couldn't get through attached to you, worrying about you, planning a life that I wasn't even sure I wanted with you. But how I went about doing that, how I walked away without articulating any of that…well, it brings me a shame that I haven't be able to shake and that I doubt I ever will.

I never thought you would talk to me again and you had that right. After a bad break-up that's how it's supposed to be, a clean break, like amputating an arm.

Losing you was rough but losing my best friend was the hardest thing I'd ever endured.

You don't think about that when you decide to break up with someone, you don't realize that after a certain amount of years they know you better than anyone else. As time passed things became clearer. The smoke of what we burned down lifted and to some extent I was able to date again.

But none of those guys were you. Dates happened, small relationships formed, hearts were broken and you stayed in my mind. As I evolved, as I became more aware of the type of person I wanted to be with I realized that you had already checked off those boxes. You had been that person all along, but I had not yet become the person who valued those things. Had I let the right one go? We're you the one that got away? What if we were meant to be together and I blew it? It certainly felt that way, and I silently prayed that if that were the case that our paths would meet again and it would become very apparent our love was fate.

But we always tend to romanticize what could have been instead of what was.

Our relationship was clouded by grief, loss, and struggle. We were two kids who had no idea how much sacrifice and work goes into relationships, unaware that even relationships with unlimited amounts of love are hard sometimes and take work. We didn't know how to fight, how to communicate, how to listen, and while a lot of that can be chalked up to youth some of it stemmed from other things that we could never work past. I'd like to think that it'd be different now, if somehow, if someway, we started back at square one. Because while I'm not the same person I was when we were together, I am still the person you fell in love with, stronger, better, happier too.

And in the end, I just want to be happy, and for you to be happy and for us to cherish this connection we undeniable have. We had happiness together and maybe we can get there again because if we were meant to be and you were the one who got away than nothing can come between us, not even this time when we were just you, and me. TC mark

I Know We Won’t Be Forever, But I’ll Take A Little While

Posted: 31 May 2016 02:00 PM PDT

Emmanuel Rosario
Emmanuel Rosario

I know we can't be forever, but that doesn't mean I won't take a little while. We can get lost in cars, on highways in distant states far from where we know to be home. We won't be scared, though. My hand will be in yours and your hand will be in mine. Being lost is always a little more fun when you have someone along for the ride.

And in our little while, I won't need fancy dates. But I will need lots of laughter.

I'm talking the side splitting stuff, the kind that leaves you and me on the floor in your room with no one else in on the joke but you and me.

We can get day drunk on beer and sun, the kind of buzz that lasts well into the night as we dance our way to a local dive bar. We'll stay up late, getting diner food and watching all the other night owl patrons. We'll have a favorite table, too. It'll be the one we'll dash to every Saturday night. A window seat right in the back corner where we can see everything going on, but be seen by no one, just the way we like it.

You'll recommend movies and I'll give you books. We'll learn about each other in the dialogue of the film, through the bounded words of the pages. We'll discover what makes one another cry, what makes one another mad. I'll make fun of your morning bedhead. You'll tease me about my stumbled speech when I'm falling in love.

Because falling in love is the aim of the game, isn't it? If it doesn't end in wedding rings, we're advised not to bother.

We're constantly told that certain people aren't worth our time, worth our heartache if together doesn't end in forever. But I'm starting to disagree.

Because not all love is made for longevity, and that's perfectly okay. Some of our lovers are merely encounters, fleeting shots at forever that we'll never make. But we'll learn and grow together just the same, and while sometimes it ends in heartbreak, I hope ours won't end bitterly. I'm crossing my fingers that ours will end with the sweet realization that forever was never meant for us, but we were still perfectly happy during our little while. TC mark

How To Find Yourself When You’re Constantly Feeling Lost

Posted: 31 May 2016 01:01 PM PDT

djrage
djrage

You find yourself by not realizing you were lost in the first place – by being blissfully ignorant until something startles you into lucidity. You find yourself by waking up one morning and shocking yourself by something you did or said and no longer recognizing the person looking back at you in the mirror.

You find yourself by realizing you've yet to be properly introduced to your actual flesh and blood.

You find yourself by wasting time – by burning through precious, fleeting days in ways that infuriate you in hindsight. You find yourself by going down the wrong streets and taking the wrong turns. You find yourself after realizing far too late you made a faulty choice and after you've exhausted your legs from kicking yourself.

You find yourself by realizing you have no choice but to find yourself.

You find yourself through clichés – down avenues that everyone else has gone down. You find yourself down the self-help section of the bookstore and perusing feel-good life quotes and realizing just how unoriginal your quest really is. You find yourself by realizing you're surrounded by people doing the same thing, to varying degrees and with varying levels of success.

You find yourself in context – and in varying contexts. You find yourself as the scenery shifts and you get to see how much of you was based on the setting. You find yourself as the background changes, as you act and interact, until your spirit is one gigantic, intricate Venn diagram, and at the center is the part of you that doesn't change, even as the persons, places, and things do. You'll find yourself as the background and supporting characters evolve and shift and – as you do, too – you can see what stays the same at the heart of it all.

You find yourself through moments of de ja vu – when the smell of morning air or baked bread or car exhaust brings you back with such ferocity that you'd swear you were time traveling. You'll find yourself as you get lost in memory – practically drowning in it – until the moment dissipates and you're left with nothing but the present moment.

You find yourself in monotony and boredom – tedium and routine. You find yourself in moments you swear are stuck on repeat. And you find yourself when it's all happening too fast and you can't keep up and you swear you'll burst before you can make sense of it all.

You find yourself by surviving plateaus & dead ends and you find yourself by surviving the onslaughts.

You find yourself through losing. Losing bets, losing out, losing your cool. You find yourself in bitter and beautiful and glorious failures.

You find yourself when it seems like all you find are setbacks.

You find yourself realizing you can't make sense of it all. You ask yourself the tough questions and get the wrong answers and try all over again. You find yourself after fruitless inquiry, through failed attempt after failed attempt, to the point that you're ready to call off the search party.

You find yourself through moments of despair and moments that kick you while you're down. You find yourself when you feel the most stripped down and stripped away and raw.

You find yourself when it feels like all you have is yourself.

But, through all that endless searching, truly you'll find yourself only when you're no longer afraid of meeting yourself. When you're ready to go toe to toe and shake hands with every demon, every dark spot, every gritty aspect. When you want the truth and can handle the truth and can live with the truth. You find yourself when you're able to stand next to yourself as you truly are and take inventory of every shadow.

You find yourself when you're brave enough to remove the pretty covering and realize you've been there all along. TC mark


For more inspirational writing from Abby Rosmarin, buy her new book of poetry here.

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Here’s What Kind Of Girlfriend You Are, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Posted: 31 May 2016 01:00 PM PDT

Linas Vaitonis
Linas Vaitonis

Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

You are the adventurous girlfriend. You are the active, fearless girlfriend who will always be a little bit too much for anyone with homebody tendancies. You’re not foolish about rushing into love, but you aren’t afraid of it either. Once you decide you like someone, you see no reason to be coy about it — you’re ready to go full speed ahead.

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

You are the hard to get girlfriend. The most appealing guy in the world couldn’t get a Taurus to open up right away. You don’t do one-night stands — not because you don’t appreciate good sex but because you’d rather spend time with yourself or your inner circle. You are not down to waste time and vulnerability on someone who hasn’t proven themselves to you.

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

You are the passionate girlfriend. People look at you in amazement because you manage to get so excited about so many things. You create a life with your partner where there’s never a dull moment and no week with you is exactly the same.

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

You are the loving, supportive girlfriend. No one knows what it’s like to experience deep, unconditional love until they have been loved by a Cancerian woman. You go out of your way every day to make sure your partner feels loved and supported by you. It’s hard for them to move on to their next relationship because they have been spoiled by how good you make them feel.

Leo

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

You are the flashy girlfriend. Because you love the positive feeling of looking and being desirable, you make it a habit to be this way all the time. Some people might call it high-maintenance, but there’s a reason people go for that kind of girl — it’s exciting! You’re the kind of girl people are always curious about because they seem so other-wordly. Dating you will always feel like being an insider to an exclusive club.

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

You are the stable partner-in-crime girlfriend. When someone gets serious about thinking about who they want to grow old with, they picture a Virgo. A Virgo has their shit together. They have a good job, they’re awesome with money, they’re not dramatic — and they’re the kind of person everyone runs to with their problems.

Libra

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

You are the power-couple girlfriend. Your social skills are unmatched and you’re warm and loving towards everyone you meet — winning them all over. A Libra is the girl a man will seek out when he wants a partner in his ambitious plans because he knows what a valuable asset she can be in becoming close with the right people.

Scorpio

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

You are the bombshell girlfriend. No one does sex like a Scorpio, it can even be too much for a guy to handle. Because Scorpios are sensual, intense, and confident, they make unforgettable lovers. To them, every relationship revolves around the fun game of sexuality.

Sagittarius

(November 23rd to December 21st)

You are the funny-as-hell girlfriend. No one can make you laugh like a Sagittarius. They’ll ham it up in any situation. They make life better because they never take anything too seriously, including your relationship with them. A Sagittarian girl will be with you through thick and thin, and make all of it feel like an enjoyable adventure.

Capricorn

(December 22nd to January 20th)

You are the old-fashioned girlfriend. Capricorn women can be considered “cold” but that’s only because they’re too mature for the heart-on-your-sleeve style of most modern women. They’re conservative in a good way — classy, someone who demands you pay them the respect they deserve, without ever uttering a word.

Aquarius

(January 21st to February 18th)

You are the charismatic girlfriend. You are filled with passion and enough charisma to convince anyone to be just as passionate about your cause as you are. When the cause is a relationship, you show your partner a world of possibility about what the two of you can do together. You might be loved or hated, but its very rare for anyone to feel lackluster about you.

Pisces

(February 19th to March 20th)

You are the old soul girlfriend. You’re a renaissance woman who appreciates the classics: good food, good books, beautiful art and intelligent conversation. You tend to attract older men, not because they’re total pervs but because they see the maturity in you. You need someone who knows there’s more to life than sports or video games. TC mark

The Real Reason Why We Love Bad Boys, Toxic Partners and Emotionally Unavailable Men

Posted: 31 May 2016 11:36 AM PDT

Joel Sossa
Joel Sossa

Bad boys wreak havoc on our lives, our bodies and our brains. The reasons we love bad boys, toxic people and emotionally unavailable partners are not just emotional and psychological – they are downright biochemical.

The truth of the matter is, our brains can be rewired to fixate on people who aren't good for us. Emotionally unavailable men, toxic partners such as narcissists or sociopaths and pickup artists alike all depend on these effects to get us hooked. We can become addicted to the highs and lows of dangerous romantic relationships in a way that makes a break-up from a toxic person similar to rehab from a destructive drug addiction.

Have you wondered why you were unable to let go of that one person who defined your relationship ambiguously, treated you inconsistently and unfairly, brought up your worst insecurities while simultaneously subjecting you to sweet talking and fantasy-prone fast-forwarding? Unfortunately for those of us who have a tendency towards dating bad boys (or girls), our addiction to toxic partners is actually strengthened by their mistreatment of us.

When we first meet a toxic partner or an emotionally unavailable person, our bond with him or her becomes cemented through their excessive attention combined with their emotional withdrawal and withholding throughout the relationship. The knowledge of what a toxic partner does to our brain makes it more likely for us to cut back on our investment on those who we perceive may not be a good fit earlier on, detach from any attachments we may already have to toxic people and realize that the powerful bond that's been created has arisen from our biochemical bonds, not our true standards.

Remember that rejection and affection often go hand in hand in such a turbulent relationship where a partner is fluent in giving you mixed messages. Rejection can hurt, literally, and it's no surprise that your brain circuitry during a break-up mirrors your brain circuitry when you are in physical pain. A break-up with a toxic person who has mistreated you throughout the relationship compounds this effect and makes it that much more difficult to recover from.

These are a few main chemicals and hormones involved which make for a powerful cocktail of attachment that have little to do with the merits of the person you're dating and everything to do with their shady behavior:

Dopamine

Positive experiences like unforgettable dates, over-the-top attention, flattery, amazing sex, gifts, and grand romantic gestures can all release dopamine in the brain. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that controls the pleasure center of our brains which creates reward circuits, which then generates automatic associations in our brain that link our romantic partners with pleasure and even our survival.

The catch? Dopamine flows more readily in the brain when there is a "intermittent reinforcement" schedule of rewards rather than a consistent schedule. The inability of a toxic partner to give us what we need leaves us pining for the good times and continuing to invest in the relationship, much like a gambler at a slot machine who hopes for a perceived gain despite the inevitable losses of such a risky investment.

Dr. Helen Fisher discovered that this "frustration-attraction" experience of obstacles in a romantic relationship actually heightens our feelings of love, rather than hindering them. She discusses how the brains of those in adversity-ridden relationships become activated in an eerily similar way to the brains of cocaine addicts.

Emotionally unavailable men or otherwise toxic partners are masters of intermittent reinforcement; they do things on their own schedule – literally. They may disappear for days, they may have a plethora of side chicks, they may constantly woo you and also withhold from you that coveted relationship status. They're always on the precipice of commitment or changing for the better before they press the reset button once again. They are always uncertain (or too certain when they're sweet-talking you into bed) about the future, and they leave you guessing about their true intentions on a daily basis.

When we don't know the next time we'll see someone or are unable to predict their next move, that person becomes much more alluring to our brain. So that nice guy who performs these kind acts consistently rather than periodically feels less rewarding to the brain than the bad boy who takes turns treating you to wonderful dates and then also mistreating you with his disappearances, false promises, ambiguous statements, hot-and-cold behavior and sudden withdrawals of affection.

In other words? Our brains can become masochists, seeking the very people that hurt them. They become so accustomed to good behavior from nice guys that they stop releasing as much dopamine. That's why even in a healthy relationship, we can become so "used to" the safety and security of a gentle partner that we find him or her less exciting over time.

On the other hand, taking a reprieve from a toxic partner, which will surely happen at some point because he's not one to stick around for too long before he's onto the next best thing, gives the reward circuits of our brains a good “reset” so that the next time they’re into us and hoovering us back in, the dopamine effect feels that much sweeter. A charming player who comes along to sweep us off our feet, only to later replace us with another member of his harem – ultimately and sadly steals the show. The unpredictability of when we'll get our next "fix" of this elusive person creates stronger reward circuits, which leaves us wanting more and more. Unfortunately, the higher the emotional unavailability of a partner, the more exciting he appears to us – at least, to the reward center of our brains.

In order to be mindful of the dopamine effect, we have to understand that the reason we're so obsessed with a toxic partner isn't because he's better than the nice guy with whom the romance may build more gradually and organically; it's usually because he's much worse. Resisting the dopamine effect means resisting creating new pleasurable memories with the person who provides us pleasure primarily through pain.

Oxytocin

Let's not forget about how we bond with these partners through the power of touch. Physical intimacy enables women in dysfunctional relationships to indiscriminately release oxytocin, aptly named the "love" or "cuddle" hormone. This is the same hormone that bonds mother and child at birth, and it also bonds you with the men that are undeserving of you.

Oxytocin promotes not only attachment but also trust. Research shows that when oxytocin is involved, betrayal does not necessarily have an effect on how much a person continues to invest in the person who betrayed him or her. So the deception of a toxic partner doesn’t necessarily derail us from trusting him blindly, especially if we’re physically enmeshed with him. The oxytocin effect may also be stronger for women than for men; according to Susan Kuchinskas, author of the book, The Chemistry of Connection: How the Oxytocin Response Can Help You Find Trust, Intimacy and Love, estrogen tends to promote the effects of oxytocin bonding whereas testosterone dampens it.

Emotionally unavailable men, toxic partners and "bad boys" are often more exciting in bed. Whether this is because the intermittent reinforcement of their hot-and-cold behavior tricks our brains into thinking so or whether bad boys tend to have more sexual prowess remains to be seen, but the fact of the matter is, once we've bonded with them sexually, we've also bonded with them psychologically and emotionally.

Cortisol, adrenaline and norepinephrine

Toxic partners evoke spikes in our levels of cortisol, adrenaline and norepinephrine, all of which regulate our reactions to stressful situations and work with our "fight or flight" response. Except what often happens in a toxic relationship is that we "freeze" in the relationship with a sense of learned helplessness rather than fight or flee (though we may also certainly fight too).

The release of stress hormones is sure to sharpen your focus on that particular partner, as we have a tendency to become hyper-aware of anything that has caused our stress hormone system to go into overdrive as an evolutionary response to threat. This is likely to cause you to seek out the source of both your comfort and discomfort: the toxic partner that simultaneously becomes both your safe haven as well as your shitty excuse for a relationship.

According to Christopher Bergland, oxytocin, adrenaline and cortisol work together to consolidate and reconsolidate fear-based memories. So your fears and anxiety about abandonment by this partner, combined with your physical intimacy with that partner make memories related to this partner more vivid and more difficult to extricate yourself from.

The unpredictability, fear and anxiety associated with a partner who either causes you to walk on eggshells and habitually leaves your head spinning releases adrenaline which has an antidepressant effect. We can become addicted to this effect. Fear also releases dopamine, which again feeds those pesky reward circuits in our brain, leaving us longing for that adrenaline rush. Fear and pleasure inevitably become intertwined despite our best efforts to expose and dismantle the seeming irrationality of our behavior.

This is why a couple who rides a roller coaster together or experiences a life-threatening event tend to bond even more closely. It is also why you tend to inadvertently bond more deeply with someone who has hurt you or has even subjected you to abuse – we call this "trauma bonding".

Serotonin

When we fall in love, we become obsessive like people with OCD…literally. Research has revealed that serotonin levels in our brains drop in a similar fashion when we are in love as they do in the brains of people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Since serotonin regulates and stabilizes mood, curbing obsessive thinking, you can imagine how low levels of it when we're romantically involved with someone can cause our decision-making abilities and judgment to go haywire.

Low levels of serotonin also encourage sexual behavior, so serotonin only makes it more likely that we'll also be swept away by bonds created by oxytocin and dopamine as well. Since dopamine is also released when we recollect pleasurable memories, constantly daydreaming and reminiscing over the first romantic moments of a charming partner often has the effect of amplifying this circuit in the brain.

That's why you're usually hanging onto every text, waiting anxiously for the next phone call or fantasizing about the next date even if it's with someone you know logically may not be a good fit. Toxic partners and bad boys tend to dominate our brains 24/7 with their unpredictable behavior as well as their love-bombing, so it's no wonder that we develop an otherwise irrational compulsion to go back to the very people who hurt us.

While our brain is definitely not out for our best interest when it comes to bad boys, that doesn't mean our brains can't be rewired for positive change. Neuroplasticity makes it possible for our brains to make new neural connections in productive ways such as exercise, healthy social bonds, music, new hobbies, interests and passions. The key to healing from bad boy addiction lies in substituting this unhealthy drug with healthier rewards and obsessions – those that truly nurture and nourish us, rather than those that starve us and leave us reeling for our next fix of crumbs.

Falling in love with a dangerous partner is very much like becoming a serious addict. In order to survive the withdrawal effects, we have to go cold turkey, or at the very least, begin to wean ourselves off from the high dosage of toxicity. TC mark