Thought Catalog

25 Dudes Confess The Baffling Things They Did With Their Dicks That Made Them Question Their Life Choices

Posted: 09 Jun 2016 08:23 PM PDT

lavandasogni /
lavandasogni /

1. Four Bath Towels

Tried to see how many full size bath towels I could hold on it

It was 4 and my dick almost snapped so I would not recommend, I’m average at 6 inches too so it’s not like I have a huge one either.

2. Woah

Sucked my own dick. You know that feeling after you finish to some questionable porn? That times 1000.

3. Getting To First Place

Used it as a gearshift and made car noises and pretended that I was racing.

4. Bad Stand Up

Not me, but my gf loves to hold it like a microphone and tap it while saying:

“Is this thing on?”

And proceeding into a whole bad joke stand up routine.

This is how about half of her bj attempts end.

5. Peek-a-Boo

I’m uncircumcised. I used to kind of roll my foreskin inward until my entire penis was hidden. Then I’d let go and let it pop back out again. Shit was wild.

6. Limbering Up

Did stretching exercises with it as a teen to see if it got longer. It didn’t.

7. Why Not?

When I was 13 I tried masturbating using a hand pump from the kitchen for vacuum seal containers.

8. *Bop*

One time after I boned my girlfriend, I walked out to get a glass of water. As I passed my couch my cat swats at me and grazes my sack.

So I bopped him on top his head with my half-chub to assert dominance

Probably that.

9. Superglue

My buddy in the sixth grade told me his story. Everyone remembers how fun it is to put glue on your hand, and peel it off? He multiplied the fun by putting it on his dick. And then, to multiply that fun by 10x, he used superglue. Long story short, he had to have his mom poke holes in the peehole just so he could take a leak. He said it shot in multiple streams.

10. Poor Teddy

During one particularly heated masturbation session, 14-year-old me decided to stick his dick in a hole in the rear end of his beloved childhood teddy bear to see if he could simulate having sex with something other than Lefty.

It didn’t feel good or bad, and afterwards I could never look it in the face again.

11. Puppet Master

After we were done and it was in a relaxed state, had an ex that thought it was hilarious to shake it as if it were head banging and say “righteous!” in a voice that I guess was supposed to be that of my penis.

12. Acetone

When I was about 10 I put acetone on my junk. Seems weird. Made sense though – as I wanted to remove the smiley face painted on with nail polish. 11 out of 10 would NOT recommend.

13. Bro Stuff Gone Way Too Far

A few years ago my best friend had those giant holes in the lobes of his ears. He said it “made him look cool”. Another friend thought I couldn’t fit my penis through it ear hole and we bet 50 bucks.

Put that image in your head.

14. Hot Dog Time

My girlfriend at the time said she was hungry late at night and I asked if she wanted a hot dog. Went to the fridge, put my dick in a bun, put mustard on it, and walked bare assed back to my room and said, “here ya go.” She thought it was hilarious. I’m just glad my roommates didn’t happen to come downstairs and see me putting mustard on my dick illuminated by the gentle glow of the open fridge.

15. The Musician

Whenever I get out of the shower with a semi chub I sometimes make it swing left and right so it slaps my hips and makes a noise.

16. Getting Stuck

I fucked a bottle once and my dick got stuck, had to calmly lose pressure.

17. It Worked

So when I was a kid I had always heard masturbation referred to as “whacking off” so the first time I tried it I literally just slapped my penis. Not hard just soft little taps. It actually worked but I’m glad I figured out the right way to do it.

18. Timbeeeeeerrrrr!

I like to watch it fall like a tree after an erection sometimes.

19. Strawberry Jam

I fucked a full jar of strawberry jam. My housemates all skipped town very quickly after graduation, leaving me to clean the apartment. One of them left the jar of jam, and I was like, fuck it!

20. Fit Everything You Can

Not my dick, but an exes.

He has his foreskin, so one day we decided to stick an R4 cartridge (for pirating Nintendo DS games) into it. Then the GBA cartridge (for same) lengthwise. Then widthwise (it was a bit of a stretch lol). I took pictures of each.

21. Money Back Guarantee

Put it in a kettle. Then got really depressed and questioned my life choices. Then later I was in the store I originally bought the kettle and saw there was a sign saying it had a fault and they were being recalled in, so I took it back, got the money and bought Assassin’s Creed 2.

22. The Writer

Typed. You have to keep rubbing it so it’s heavy enough, then squat over the keyboard. Here-

Never mind. I was gonna type a sentence that way but I’m too lazy to boner.

23. Poor Leonardo

When I was really little, I have a pretty vivid memory of being in a bubble bath and trying to shove my junk into the top of a teenage mutant ninja turtles shampoo bottle. It was actually shaped like a TMNT.

At one point my older brother comes in and says “you’ll get it stuck in there forever.” After he left, I started getting an erection because, I don’t know, a leaf fell or something. As my penis expanded inside of Leonardo, I could feel it getting tight and I started panicking. I began shaking the bottle violently trying to yank it off.

Yank it off I did. Right into Leonardo’s stomach.

24. Locking It Up Cause You Don’t Know Better

I was pretty confused about sex, American schools are lousy and my parents didn’t tell me shit. So here’s the story of the first time I masturbated.

I looked up some porn, probably typed in something like “naked boobs” and went down the wormhole that it’s Google images. Eventually I happened upon bondage.

Found a website called Hogtied, part of a collection of websites called kink. All the women were tied up. Hot. They also all had clips on their nipples. Sure. The dudes fucking them had locks on their balls.

I’m young, I just assumed that’s how adults fucked. So I found some bigass locks for a locker, locked my balls, and started rubbing. It was uncomfortable, but if that’s how adults fuck, then I guess I’d better get used to it.

I’ll never forget when I finally came. I felt warm inside, like my soul was being cradled by light, all emanating from my dick. I reached down and, since it was dark, thought I pissed myself. When I waddled to the bathroom and turned on the light, the piss was white, so I freaked out and looked up “white pee” . Eventually I got everything sorted out, but oh man, I have no doubt that not knowing how to sex helped shape my sexual appetites today. Less locks for me now though.

25. Pew Pew

I’m uncircumcised and when I was younger I used to fill up my foreskin with water when I was in the bath and would shoot it out like a water gun. TC mark

All My Boyfriend Wanted For His Birthday Was To Fuck Me In Front Of A Bunch Of Strangers, So I Said Yes

Posted: 09 Jun 2016 08:00 PM PDT

Dom Jamieson
Dom Jamieson

Derrick and I were never vanilla – if that’s what you’re wondering.

We’d done our fair share of experimenting with toys, taboos, and tricks. One of our first times hooking up was in the bathroom of the bar where he worked while he was on the clock. I frequently sent (and received his own follow ups) videos of myself masturbating when I’d travel for work.

What I’m saying is, we weren’t the kind of couple who really needed to spice things up.

But when Derrick’s 25th birthday was around the corner I knew I wanted to do something…fun. He’s incredibly sexual (as am I) so I knew something spicy and sexy would be exactly what he’d want to make his b-day a truly memorable one. I racked my brain for firsts and kept saying “done it” in my head, so I was at a loss.

About a week before the big day we were laying in bed, sweaty and post-orgasm, and I brought it up.

“So your birthday…” I began.

He stretched his arms out above his head. “What about it?”

I perched myself up on his muscular chest, lightly tickling my fingers along his side.

“I was thinking it’d be fun to do something different.”

He cocked his head to one side. “Different how?”

I rested my chin on my hands and blinked slowly. “Different in whatever way you can think of, babe.”

A slow, mischievous smile grew across his face.

“Oh come on. Anything?”

I laughed softly. “Have I ever said no to you before?”

He grabbed my waist and flipped me over, swiftly moving on top of me in one motion. I instinctually wrapped my legs around his hips and arched my back. I could feel him getting hard again.

He kissed at my neck and nibbled at my ear. I pushed myself up and bit at his shoulder.

“Come on,” I whispered into his ear. “What do you want to do? I said anything and I mean anything.”

Derrick straddled above me and pinned my wrists next to my head. I was getting wet without even knowing what he was going to say.

He swallowed slightly, licking his lips while staring at my naked body.

“I’m going to fuck you like crazy right now. And for my birthday? I want to do exactly that…but in front of a bunch of people so they can watch me do you like no one else can.”

I didn’t have any time to respond before his face was between my legs and the only words I could think of saying were, “Oh god…”

Less than a week later we were getting ready to head to a private sex club in the city. Derrick had bartended some events there before and was on good terms with the managers, so it was simple getting us approved to come as guests for a Friday night. One we showed a clean bill of health we were given the details of the club and a few nights to build our anticipation before the big day.

The dress code for the club dictated “semi-formal/cocktail attire” for the evening. I decided to pull a Natalie Portman alla Closer and pulled a pastel pink and purple wig on with my little cream dress. I pulled on some ridiculously high heels and dark lipstick and I was ready.

Derrick showed up looking sexy as fuck in his dress shirt, pants, way too expensive watch, and shined shoes. The man didn’t even need a tie and he looked hot enough to make me horny just walking in the door.

He sort of laughed at the wig but agreed that the “sexy stranger” thing added just another delicious layer to this fantasy.

Upon arriving to the club we were greeted by the host, Natalia, who gave us the lay of the land and the rules. (Consent for everything, condoms for everyone, creativity is highly encouraged.) She collected Derrick’s car keys (no drinking and driving allowed) and escorted us around, showing us the different rooms and areas. There was a bar (thank god), several bedrooms, a spa-like locker room for before and after that led to a sauna and hot tub, and an open area adjacent to the lobby with pillows, cushions, and couches.

“I’ll be near the entrance if you need anything. Have fun.” She winked in my direction, eying me up and down before sauntering back.

“Drinks?” Derrick asked in a low voice in my ear.

I nodded and slowly took it all in. He squeezed my shoulder, a reassurance that he would be back soon, and made his way towards the alcohol.

There was a trio of people, two girls and an older man, making out and fondling each other lightly on a couch. Mostly though people were just mingling and talking, clearly getting a sense for what everyone was about before staking any claim or interest.

“First time?”

A man who looked to be in his late thirties, early forties was beside me sipping on some sort of whiskey cocktail.

I flirtatiously twisted the pink hair of my wig.

“Am I that obvious?”

He raised his brows playfully. “Only because I know I would have remembered seeing you here before?”

I blushed. I am NOT a blusher.

“Well thank you…”

He extended a hand. “Braydon.”

I shook his hand firmly. “Lola.”

“Is that your real name, Lola?”

“Same question.”

Braydon laughed. I had to admit, he was pretty sexy. “So, where can I find you later, Lola?”

I sighed and batted my lashes. “Somewhere fucking my very, very sexy boyfriend in about as many ways as you can imagine.”

Braydon nodded. “That sounds like a show I’m going to want to check out.”

Derrick had reappeared, walking towards me with two cocktails.

“You are more than welcome to watch. I’d love it,” I purred.

Braydon leaned in, kissing my cheek. “Can’t wait.”

Derrick and he exchanged a nod as he made his way towards another group.

“Who was that?”

I laughed and shook my head, sipping on the vodka rocks he’d brought me.

“Someone who can’t wait to watch you make me scream,” I said bolding, locking eyes with him.

He planted a firm kiss on my mouth, grazing my lips with his teeth. Goddamn. I was already buzzing with anticipation.

“I can’t wait to show him.”

About an hour later the mood had completely shifted. What had previously just been like a cocktail party filled with innuendo was now a room filled with people who were filled to the brim with a NEED for sex. Couples and triads and groups had started making their way to various rooms. Some still lingered, kind of watching and waiting.

“Follow me,” Derrick instructed.

Fuck yes, I thought. I was more than ready.

I followed, my hand in his, as he lead us into the room with the couches, cushions, and various pillows. A group of about six men were already there, watching as two girls were using a dildo on each other. Three were jerking off while one instructed the girls what to do, and the other two passed a joint between them.

Derrick looked at me slowly, his eyes lingering on my chest.

“You sure?”

I nodded and smiled.


He turned me around and undid the tie that held my dress together and the nape of my neck. The fabric slipped easily down my shoulders and pooled at my waist. I hadn’t worn a bra, and the men who’d been watching the girls clearly noticed something was brewing on our side of the room.

Derrick started slowly, kissing the back of my neck and my shoulders softly and palming his hands on either side of my ribs. I shimmied my dress down and stepped out of it, standing just in my black, lace panties and heels. I went to to step out of my shoes when a firm hand wrapped around my ankle.

“Leave them on,” Derrick instructed and I looked down at him.

I nodded. “Yes, sir.”

His eyes flashed as I called him sir. He loved being in charge.

Derrick turned me around to face him. I was naked and exposed, and I loved it. He tickled one nipple with his tongue and slapped my ass firmly.

“Get on all fours.”

I dropped in obedience.

“Spread your legs.”

I moved each knee apart and felt myself get wet as he slowly came towards me.

He undid one button of his shirt before dropping to his knees. I shivered at the thought of what was about to happen and leaned my head back.

His fingers grazed up my legs and I let out a moan.

“I want you to listen, and listen closely. You can only cum when I say so. Do you understand?”

I nodded quickly, so excited and so wet.

He slapped my calf.

“I said, do you understand?” He said more forcefully.

“Yes, sir.”

I felt him push the black fabric to the side and slide a finger inside of me. I arched my back, pushing my ass in the air in response. He was purposeful, swirling along inside of me while simultaneously tickling my clit. My eyes fluttered closed as I focused on the sensations. I was so wet, and so horny.

I gasped as I felt him slip one of the vibrators we’d brought with inside of me. He turned it on and my whole body tensed and shook. He continued making circles with his fingers as he eased the toy in and out, in and out.

I sighed and melted into his hands. He pulsed the toy inside of me while also rubbing my most sensitive spot. All of my nerves were on fire — I wanted him so bad.

“Sir…” I weakly gasp as I grasped at the carpet with my hands. I was going to cum before we’d even done anything. The combination of the toys and the ambiance and my sexy, sexy boyfriend controlling my body was just too much.

“Not yet,” He said, backing off of my clit and pinching my nipple with his now free hand.

“Can I…can I…?” I couldn’t find the words, I was too horny. I needed him inside of me or I needed to cum.

Derrick slapped my ass again.

“Speak up,” He commanded.

“Sir will you fuck me please?” I whimpered.

He slapped me again. God he was hot.

“Like you mean it.”

“Will you please fuck me?” I was desperate. I needed him. I had never felt so turned on in my life.

I heard a zipper and a wrapper and before I knew it, his perfect cock slid into me. I moaned loudly and backed up into him. His pants were gone but his shirt was still on.

My eyes fluttered open to see we’d drawn a crowd. The girls who had been doing each other were now each stroking the cock of a different guy, fingering themselves in the process while watching us. Four other men were there, each staring and drinking, taking it all in.

I loved it. I’ve always been an attention whore.

Derrick thrusted a few times forcefully, spanking me again in between each motion. I rocked on my knees and moaned audibly, making sure to lock eyes with Braydon who had found his way into the room.

Derrick pulled out of me and jerked me to standing.

“I’m going to sit on this couch, and I want you to ride me so all of these people can see you’re mine,” He said.

I nodded in agreement and straddled him, backwards. My heels were on either side of his hips as I lowered myself onto him. God he felt so good.

I moved up and down and I felt him reach around to rub me while we fucked. He was so hard, and I was so wet. I braced my hands on the arm rests and moved fasted, moved harder. Every so often I would pause at the tip of him and slowly move down, circling my hips. Each time he would groan in pleasure and I felt him scratch up my back.

“Fuck me harder,” He gasped.

“Yes, sir,” I moaned, pumping more forcefully.

I heard him inhale sharply and tense his torso, and one hand gripped my hair tightly.

“Do not stop,” He said firmly.

I moved his hand from my clit to my mouth, sucking on his fingers and tasting myself on him. He groaned loudly, spilling into me as he finished but I kept going, I was so close. Derrick pushed me off of him mid thrust and I fell forward, back onto my hands and knees. He put the vibrator to my clit this time and slid his still hard cock into me.

“I want to hear you cum. Cum for me,” He breathlessly instructed.

Just three more pumps and I screamed out, climaxing just moments after him.

He collapsed onto me, both of our bodies spasming and shaking. We breathed deeply, coming back down from the high of fucking each other and putting on a show for all of those people.

A few seconds passed and I opened my eyes, meeting Braydon’s lustful gaze again. He raised his eyebrows and silently raised his glass to me before wandering away. I laughed softly.

Derrick flipped me onto my back and kissed me deeply.

“Happy birthday to me, indeed.” TC mark

This Dating App Heroically Slayed A Baby-Man Who Threw A Tantrum Because A Girl Asked ‘What Do You Do?’

Posted: 09 Jun 2016 07:12 PM PDT

In the long history of the internet there is a stack of screen shots miles long that detail the tantrums men throw when their manhood is questioned. It’s happened to me — once I happened to fall asleep late at night while texting someone I was getting to know from Tinder, and woke up to this:

Screen Shot 2016-06-09 at 9.35.12 PM

For whatever reason, men on dating apps tend to be, should we say “touchy”?

The company that owns the dating app Bumble recently got work of a similar instance happening when a guy flipped out because a girl asked “what do you do”? I get that sometimes dating — and especially dating apps — can sometimes feel like a job interview where the other person feels like they’re putting on a show so you can determine whether they’re “good enough”. But it’s a two-way street. You judge people harshly on their appearance, and you judge people harshly based on whether they live up to the idea of the kind of person you want to be with. Unfortunately, one of those things happens on first look, and the other takes a few prying questions.

But again, getting to know someone and seeing if you can picture a life with them is what dating is about. The big things about your life: what you look like, what you do for work, whether you have kids, what your home situation is like — those aren’t a secret. Those are the first things you should tell people so you can mutually decide if you’re compatible. If you’re super worried about gold-diggers, it seems like suggesting a cheap/free first few dates would easily weed that out.

Here’s the exchange Bumble captured:




In response, Bumble had this to say:

Dear Connor,

It has been brought to our attention that you lost your cool on one of our female users named Ashley. She made small talk, you felt personally attacked. She mentioned her work day and asked about yours; you assumed that she was prying into your financial status.

We are going to venture a guess into the state of mind of Ashley here, given that we are all working women ourselves. Take a seat, because this concept may blow your mind. Women nowadays work. It's happened over time, we know, but a vast majority of women from our generation have jobs.

With that in mind — and knowing that Ashley simply mentioned work in the conversation — we can gather that she wasn't hoping to figure out if your wallet was sizeable enough for her to move into your house and start cooking dinner for you after vacuuming your living room while you clock in a 9 to 5 work day. Instead, Ashley was (wait for it, Connor, because this is where things really get interesting), viewing herself as an equal. It might sound crazy, but people connect over the basic routines of life. You know… the weather, working out, grabbing a drink, eating, and working.

And while you may view this as "neo-liberal, Beyonce, feminist-cancer," and rant about the personal wounds you are trying to heal from classic "entitled gold digging whores," we are going to keep working. We are going to expand our reach and make sure that women everywhere receive the message that they are just as empowered in their personal lives as they are in the workplace. We are going to continue to build a world that makes small-minded, misogynist boys like you feel outdated.

We are going to hope that one day, you come around. We hope that the hate and resentment welling up inside of you will subside and you'll be able to engage in everyday conversations with women without being cowardice to their power. But until that day comes, Connor, consider yourself blocked from Bumble.

Never yours,

The Bumble Hive TC mark

The Terrifying True Story Of What It’s Like To Be Kidnapped And Held For Ransom

Posted: 09 Jun 2016 07:00 PM PDT

Thought Catalog Tumblr
Thought Catalog Tumblr

I would like to tell you a little about my teenage years. It think this is the best platform to do so.

My grandma, her late husband and my parents were once entrepreneurial heavyweights in my country. A lavish home, crystal chandeliers, eight luxury cars and influence above law—this is what my "family" was all about. They had the resources to pull strings on the political stage as well as showbiz and the media. Before all of them went to prison for countless counts of tax evasion and real estate fraud, I, as a teenager, didn't have the fabulous life one would expect. I can't say I didn't have a childhood though, because I did, and it was pretty rad.

When my "parents" had just started becoming successful, we would always travel. But as years came and went, their businesses became darker and I became more of a hostage in my own home. It was a slow transition and I barely noticed how we moved into bigger homes, how my "parents" became colder with me and were home less and less as the space in my room grew but there was no love to fill it in with.

During my teenage years, I suffered a lot of mental and physical abuse caused indirectly by my "family's" (in quotes because this is not what a family does) actions, speculation and me ending up being at stake. Living in a criminal family didn't always mean expensive clothes and private schools. In fact, I never went to school and was home-schooled. I had never been to the movies or the most simple fast food place because—according to my parents—I was "an easy target" and could be a "tool of manipulation" if I were to be kidnapped. Which I did.

(My hands are slightly shaky as I'm writing this because I've never told my experiences to anyone apart from 2 of my closest friends.)

Please think before you say things like "my work hours are literally torturing me," or "tickles are a real torture," because I know what torture means.

The reason why I never wear short sleeves nor expose my arms, is because I have cigarette burn scars all over my arms from when I was 14, when a mob tortured me to get hundreds of thousands of euros worth of assets from my parents and grandparents.

It's hard making up new stories when people in summer ask me why I don't wear T-shirts. What nobody knows is that they also abused and violated me sexually. Nobody has been held accountable because I couldn't tell anyone. Nobody was there for me, I couldn't even tell the police, because police doesn't exist in that world. Nobody heard my silent, helpless call for help.

Of course, my "family" didn't hesitate and did everything that was requested in order to retrieve me, but the mental scarring is still there and I was constantly living with the feeling of guilt which they made me feel for the loss of some of their property and money, even to the point that I tried to kill myself once when I was 16 and again when I was 17.

As soon as I turned 18, my grandparents and "parents" went to jail as some of their key political connections were dropped and charged for bribery.

After these disgraced politicians testified about my "family”, their empire went down and they went to prison also. My mother and father are in for 25 years each, my grandfather died even before conviction and my grandmother was never prosecuted because her name didn't appear anywhere in any documents. She was smart enough to hide all her property and now lives in Cyprus.

I also testified, of course. I told them about everything except the sexual abuse, I simply didn't have the courage to do it. I know that some of you may say that they're still my family and blah, blah, blah, but, honestly, I have never felt freer in my life than after having contributed to all of my immediate family being imprisoned.

I turned 21 last month and I am still seeing my psychologist every week because of my severe mental trauma; however, I really, really try hard to enjoy life as I currently live with my godparents in their countryside beach house and everything just seems so…fulfilling. It may be my sleeping pills and anti-stress medication, but the tiny things like helping with gardening, swimming in the sea and driving a car, are simply too beautiful to explain.

I finally think that I'm taking the baby steps in starting to live. TC mark

8 Things People Who Always ‘Win’ Their Breakup Do Differently

Posted: 09 Jun 2016 06:24 PM PDT

Sex and the City
Sex and the City


This is like testing yourself to see how much you can cry in an 8 hour span…and to spare you the tears, I'll tell you it's a lot. You'll find yourself relating every single song to your life….even when it makes no fucking sense. I'm pretty sure one song was about a guy losing his father in a car accident–but at the time it felt like it was about me making too many mistakes and never being happy again. Just don't do it-k? (Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes-Home just came on Pandora and I immediately stabbed my computer. See? Will power. Handle your emotions in a healthy way like this.)


It's okay to spend one entire Saturday on the couch watching 500 days of Summer, sympathizing with Joseph Gordon Levitt, and only getting up to eat-but don't do it forever. These writers don't give you a timeline in all those "How to Get Over Your Ex" listicles–they just say like "it's ok to eat lots of icecream and lay in bed." All of our favorite movies show the pretty girl doing this to get over her boyfriend (think Reese in Legally Blonde) but, like, she's already perfect and can afford to do that. You need to (when you're ready) be ready for boy catchin' season. Don't let your sorrow show in your love handles and double chins—only feel bad for yourself for a limited amount of time.


Actually, this should just be "don't text your ex" but whatevs. Ya know when you just can't shake the feeling that you're the best thing he will ever have? That he probably really deep down wants to kiss you and tell you that your eyes sparkle even more now than the first time he saw you? That your gentle laughter plays on a loop in his head and he will never forget the way your one dimple sticks out when you smile too hard? LOL. Just don't. Don't try to come at this from every angle. Don't try to be clever. Don't talk about old memories. Don't tell him all about "TRU LUV~". Don't confuse your pride for wanting someone back. In your head, you are just "saying how you feel and being honest" in his head "you're being literally psycho and look like an idiot." *hypothetical, no this did not happen to me yesterday at 8 p.m.


Don't try to escape from it, just let yourself feel it. Don't be impulsive and especially don't let others know how impulsively you're thinking. Be rational and let yourself sift through the craziness down to what you are actually thinking. I had this idea that if I went to see my bff4lz in Arizona and stayed there for a while that maybe my brain would just erase the last 2 and ½ years and upon exiting the plane I would just feel an immediate rush of happiness and relief. This is stupid. I mostly know because my dad laughed a little when I told him, and he tries really hard not to laugh at me when he knows I am being serious.


"The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" is the most ridiculous garbage I've ever heard. Unless you're a savage with no feelings and would like to continue burying your true feelings and self-worth, then this is the worst idea possible. I hate when girls are like "OOoo0o single, I'm just gonna do my thing and go out and meet boyz no strings attached!". No. No bitch. You're going to go out and get hammered and have a one night stand then cry the entire next day because you're an emotional train wreck and then convince yourself that Kyle from UConn was the love of your life and it was fate that you met him and you really felt a connection even though he called you the wrong name when you guys were hooking up. Don't do this. You'll regret it immensely and in the meantime will just be going backwards in the whole healing process.


Though it is wired into every woman, as true instinct, to study and become familiar with any creature that has taken our latest prey–we must fight this urge and stop being psycho. Once or twice is fine (three or four times won't hurt you) but to continually do this is absolutely pointless. First of all-you don't even know this broad and whatever fantastical picture you paint of her is only your own insecurities and warped way of thinking doing it. Don't tell yourself she isn't pretty (because chances are she probably is) and don't compare yourself to her. As my boi Jay-Z put it, "Remind yourself, nobody built like you, you design yourself."

Any girl who pretends she doesn't or hasn't done this is a liar and kind of pathetic. Also know that this new girl is also stalking you. So don't feel bad about a moment of weakness but just don't put yourself through that bull shit. You didn't want it anymore, so just because someone else does, don't second guess yourself. Also remember: he is on that POF and MeetMe dating site and messages any girl who has her boobs showing a little bit in their prof pic, so I don't think he's looking for true love just yet. Plus, you were there before, and anyone else who comes after has to deal with that (you pretty, funny, intelligent son of a bitch, you.) You're a tough act to follow.


What are you trying to do to yourself? Psychologists have proven that when a human being is suffering from heartbreak they almost ALWAYS have the tendency to block out any negative memories and hold tight onto the good. A picture that used to make you think "What a douche bag he was that day–I could have fucking pushed him off that golfcart…look at his stupid fucking smile" now makes you think "Wow. Look how happy we look. He's gorgeous. That was our last day golfing together."

It's funny. Laugh. Don't cry about it. Burn all that shit. Anything that makes you second guess yourself—use it to make some s'mores. Unless you're completely over the kid and can confidently say you feel fine, get rid of every sentimental piece of garbage soiling your house.


Everything that happened has happened for a reason. You can't go back. Stop drilling your mistakes into your head or asking what you could have done differently. Stop blaming yourself–you weren't the only one in the relationship. Stop thinking things can change because chances are, they are the way they are for good. Don't replay any memories just yet, especially good ones. If you're gonna reflect on your relationship-think about the times you wanted to open up the passenger side door and roll onto the high way when you were on a road trip together.

Think about how a lot of times you liked his sister and mom way better than him. Remember the time when you were so embarrassed he was your boyfriend when you went out with all your friends. Think about those times. Even if most times were good at you'll miss the shit out of him, right now think about the times you hated him. It helps. TC mark

Ranking The Men On This Season Of ‘The Bachelorette’ By How Much Of A Fuckboy They Are

Posted: 09 Jun 2016 06:08 PM PDT

Hi Everyone! I hope you’re recovering from the excitement of a two night Bachelorette phenomenon. Not really sure why this #ChadDramz warranted two nights, especially when the most dramatic part appears to be him showing up at the chalet where Jojo and Alex are getting cozy in front of a fire, and that part is being aired next week. Maybe they wanted to draw attention away from featuring mega-fuckboy and probable rapist Ben Roethlisberger amid all the Brock Turner outrage.

This week I decided to rank the boy from least to most fuckboy-ish. Enjoy!

our fallen amigos


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Ali might be a slight fuckboy because he’s a 30-year-old bartender, but from what we’ve seen he has a decent personality (and his eyebrows are perfect, basically).


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Christian is a fuckboy. Christian lives in a grown-up frat house with his brothers. This is not a person who is ready to be Mr. Fletcher.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Nick is a fuckboy. He showed up in a Santa Claus outfit for their first date, making a weird joke out of something Jojo is taking really seriously — using the show to find real love.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

My biggest regret about Chad going home this week is that I can’t rank him at the very bottom of the overall fuckboy ranking because he’s already out of the running. I feel kind of bad for him, he just lost his mom and is clearly right in the middle of some kind of angry nervous breakdown, but hopefully seeing himself on TV will lead to him getting help — and not further into his weird denial that everyone who isn’t as shitty as he is is “fake”.

BTW was this low key terrifying for anyone else ????

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

The Future Mr. Jojo Fletcher ???


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Alex is not a fuckboy. Alex is good to a fault, you can tell that. He’s probably too self-righteous, he’s probably too hard on himself (and other people). He probably has a lot of faults, but being a fuckboy isn’t one of them.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Derek is not a fuckboy. He moves rooms instead of being around Chad — which is the right thing to do — and then addresses conflict with him like a rational, non-violent person not a victim of their swinging emotions, totally opposite of Chad.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Grant is not a fuckboy. Grant is a firefighter and he saves people’s lives, okay??? Get with the program.

Not really sure about these faux-artfully ripped jeans tho:

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

James Taylor

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

James Taylor is not a fuckboy even if going by “James Taylor” while trying to become a singer-songwriter is a total fuckboy move. He’s a dork, and he owns his dorkiness which is totally cute and makes him somehow actually sexy. And… the way he dealt with getting cut up on the football field was really hot.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Chase doesn’t seem like a fuckboy. He seems down to earth and like he hasn’t let his (v v hot) looks corrupt him too much.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Luke doesn’t seem like a fuckboy. He seems like he’s mature because he’s had a lot of hard experience in life, and a lot has been expected of him. Those are good qualities in a partner.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

It remains to be seen how much of a fuckboy Wells is. He’s not automatically *not* a fuckboy just because he’s not a meathead, but they haven’t show his personality enough to make sure he’s not a “nice guy” fuckboy.

James F

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

James F might be a fuckboy. We don’t know too much about him. He owns a boxing gym, but not every meathead is a fuckboy. We’ll wait and see.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Robby might be a fuckboy. From previews it looks like he has a girlfriend back home or some kind of shady situation where he dumped her out of the blue to go on the show.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Vinny is a fuckboy. No one really knows why Vinny is still around. If he was a woman, people would assume he slept with a producer for his weird continual presence on the show.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Jordan is kind of a fuckboy. I get it, he’s super hot and his brother is even hotter and I’m cheering for him and I really want Jojo to become sister-in-law with Olivia Munn too — but, let’s be real: he’s a golden boy who is used to getting his way. This is not a recipe for relationship success. I guess he big time cheated on his last gf. As much as I love him and want to cheer for him, he also seems like the kind of guy that isn’t that great behind closed doors.


<figure data-id="0" class="wp-caption "aligncenter"" style="width: 0px;"> The Bachelor<figcaption class="wp-caption-text"></figcaption></figure>
[caption id="attachment_609446" align="aligncenter" width="786"]The Bachelor The Bachelor

Evan is a major fuckboy. I definitely think Chad was more in the wrong than Evan in their interactions, but Chad wasn’t wrong about Evan pushing him. Instead of like, focusing on Jojo or getting a hobby or something Evan weirdly obsessed about Chad and provoked him when he should have just focused on being the better person. Also his lewk is 100% fucccboi.


The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Daniel is deeeeeefffffinnnnetly a fuckboy. Daniel was raise by two fuckboys and now is such a potent fuckboy that scientists are studying his genes. Daniel is peak fuckboy and every person he stands next to is less fuckboy in comparison.

Burning questions for next week’s show

What will come of Chad’s (literally insane) visit to the Bachelorette chalet???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Why is Jojo crying so much???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

What will happen when Chad starts pushing Jordan around???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

What makes Vinny crai???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

Who locks themselves in this bathroom???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

What’s up with Jordan consoling Jojo in the hallway???

The Bachelor
The Bachelor

See you in two (😭) weeks! TC mark

69 Dirty Sexts That’ll Make You Ready To Fuck Someone ASAP

Posted: 09 Jun 2016 06:01 PM PDT


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Please, Don’t Blame Yourself For The Loss Of A Loved One

Posted: 09 Jun 2016 05:58 PM PDT

Darla دارلا Hueske
Darla دارلا Hueske

I don't know why it happens. I don't know when. I don't know if there's any underlying plan or reason. Sometimes I feel just like you—angry, lonely, scared, sad, confused—and I shake my fist at the sky, asking God over and over again. Why?

Why does He take the ones we love away?

If I could give you an answer, I would.

I believe it's because He has bigger plans for their lives, or He wants to rid of their suffering, or He wants us to lean into Him, to trust Him, even on our darkest days.

But we are only human.

And letting go of the ones we love and lose is hard. Is so very hard.

But I want you to understand something. I want you to hold this close to your heart and never let it go. I want you to know that you are a good person. A good man, a good woman, a good daughter or son, a good father or mother, a good friend or lover or wife or husband or person walking on this earth.

I don't know what makes fate play out as it does.
I don't know God's plan any more than you do.

But I do know that death is something humans cannot control.

We cannot put our finger on the answers. We cannot create a fix that will keep the ones we love from slipping through our tight grasps. We cannot make sense of when they will leave us, or why it happens when it does.

But we must know that in their death, their pain is lifted. That they are free of this earth and the struggle that comes with it.

Please, find comfort in your loss. Know that the person you love is looking down on you, is proud of you, is so filled with love for you.

You cannot take responsibility for their passing. You cannot carry the weight of their death on your shoulders like a lead blanket, dragging you further and further down.

You must know that you did what you could.

That you loved them while they were alive, even in their brokenness. You loved them even when they didn't deserve it, and maybe you could have loved more, sure, we can all play that painful game with our hearts. But what matters is that you did love. Is that you were there.

Is that you mourn their loss. And now hopefully celebrate their life.

I know I cannot take away your pain or make the loss any smaller. And I don't want to. You need to grieve. You need to feel. You need to let yourself heal, piece by piece, moment by moment, day by day.

But I want you to know that you are not at fault. That you are not a bad person because the one you love lost their battle. There is nothing you could have done differently to change the course of life, to change God's plan, to change the path we are traveling on.

You loved. That's what matters. And you love now.

And you will keep loving. You will make a purpose for this loss, you will use it to move forward, to become stronger, to bless the lives around you.

So please dig yourself out of the hole you've created. Release your guilt, your fear, your anger, your pain to the sky and breathe in fresh air.

You are a wonderful person. Your existence matters. And in the absence of someone else's existence, you need to hold onto that even more.

Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Let go.
Trust that there is a purpose for pain and a reason for the end of a life.

And lean into love once again.
The world needs your smiling face. TC mark

You Have To Love Every Piece Of Her, Or You Have To Let Her Go

Posted: 09 Jun 2016 05:00 PM PDT


If you’re trying to change her, you don’t deserve her. There is a difference between wishing someone would act different, and trying to make them be different.

There will come a day where you start to see more sides to her than you initially knew. More than just the aspects of her that you adored, but also the aspects that drive you insane. This isn't necessarily a bad thing: if you love someone, it's good to know the different sides she possesses: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sometimes we find that we can look past the things that get under our skin because we care, and other times, we wonder if we can push past at all.

One thing is certain: If you can't handle the parts of her that bother you, then you need to end it right now.

If you can’t handle her leaving her clothes on the floor, then don’t tell her you want forever. If the thought of her singing too loudly in the car annoys you to such lengths you can’t imagine traveling for more than half an hour with her, then walk away. If the fact that she doesn’t plan things out right then and prefers to go with the flow is a deal breaker, don’t ask her to be your wife.

Because in every flaw she has, there is a positive thing about her too. People who are messy also have a bit of a creative streak. Her singing in the car loudly? She’s comfortable with you, and she has a carefree spirit. She doesn’t plan things out? She’s adaptable, and can handle when life throws curves balls her way.

I understand that those positive things may not be what you’re looking for in the grand scheme of things. And that’s okay. We all have our preferences and things that are important to us. So if that isn’t what you’re looking for; if you want spotless floors, quiet car rides, and detailed plans, then walk away.

But do NOT, under any circumstances, try to change her.

If you want different, go out and find it. There are billions of people in this world and chances are there are ones out there who fit the things you want. Do not take a person and tell them they need to be different, because although it may be difficult for you to walk away and find a new love, it will take the other person even longer to recover from the mentality that who they were just wasn’t good enough. That if they could’ve just changed themselves then you would’ve stayed. It’s not fair to convince someone that who they are isn’t good, or worthy, or important.

So, what if the idea of walking away from them I something you can’t bear? Those quirks about her may drive you wild, but living in a world without her seems far worse? Then you accept her for who she is. You love her regardless of the things that get on your nerves, because you’re in love with her. Choose to love her every single day. Even when her clothes are on the floor make you crazy or when she sings too loudly in the car.

Choose to love ALL of her, or have none of her.

Don’t keep the parts you like and try to replace the others with something else. Because she wasn't created to be the wonderful, incredible woman that she was just so you could change her into someone else. She wasn't meant to be someone else.

She was meant to be exactly the way she is. TC mark

To My Fellow Women, Prince Charming Isn’t Going To Save You

Posted: 09 Jun 2016 04:15 PM PDT


Growing up, I watched Snow White being revived just from a simple kiss. I watched Sleeping Beauty also being saved just from a prince’s kiss. And then I watched Ariel almost kill herself just to be with a man she had never met before.

Those movies ultimately showed me that these women were never going to be truly happy without their prince charming. They wouldn’t even be alive without a precious kiss from them. I never thought I would be just like them, but as it turns out, my subconscious thought differently. I’m not going to blame childhood movies for wanting my own prince charming, but I think we all do want our own happy ending, and we want it standing by someone else.

I thought I met my prince charming when I was seventeen. And I guess I did for a while. He saved me from my own demons, from my negative thoughts, from my insults to my own self. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful thing on this earth. And I ate it up. I thought that he was all I needed to be happy.

But, after a while you realize that this person can’t save you from yourself. You have to do it alone. And eventually, you’ll realize that you won’t need a boy to stand beside you. You’ll just need you.

I could probably write a thousand more articles on the loss of who I thought was my “prince charming”, but that’s not the point of this article. The point of this is that whether you have lost the love of your life, or whether you have been single for so long that you’ve forgotten what it’s like to have loved, it’s happening for a reason. And I know, it feels like your heart will never recover. It feels like you could truly die from a broken heart. And you feel like a ghost of your past self, like you don’t even know yourself anymore.

And that’s because you don’t. Maybe this is all a sign from the universe that you need to focus on yourself, learn to be by yourself and to adore yourself. It’s a sign that you need to be your own damn person. And you need to love yourself in order to eventually be loved back. Then, you won’t need his kiss to hang on to. You won’t need his touch in order to breathe. You won’t need his whispers to calm your fast beating heart. You won’t need his love to save you. No matter how lonely or awful you feel, no man will ever fix you like you think he will. Your demons will always come back to you when he leaves.

You are stronger than you think. And I promise, you are better off hurting alone then hurting secretly along side another person. F*** Ariel and her desperation for Prince Eric that nearly destroyed her. F*** Sleeping Beauty needing to be saved by a Prince who probably had nothing better to offer to her than a few lip locks.

F*** the notion that you need another human being to be your savior. You have your own precious and beautiful self. I promise you, that’s all you need. You just need you. TC mark