Thought Catalog


33 Spicy-Hot Foreplay Moves That Are Guaranteed To Get Her Wet

Posted: 13 Jun 2016 08:00 PM PDT

LookCatalog.com
LookCatalog.com

1. Hug her from behind. Then lower one hand to play with her pussy.

2. Slip into the suit you usually reserve for weddings or that uniform you used to wear when you were in the Navy.

3. Reach up and play with her nipples while your tongue runs circles on her clit.

4. Whisper naughty things into her ear while you cuddle in bed.

5. Give her a back massage, complete with oils and candle wax.

6. Kiss her neck. Lick her neck. Bite her neck. Whatever you do, don’t ignore that neck.

7. Rub your dick against her clit while you kiss, without actually entering her yet.

8. Help her get undressed, but take your time, so you’re able to admire the lacy underwear she bought just for you.

9. Sext her. Skip the dick pics. Send her saucy messages about how badly you want her body, instead.

10. When you go out to eat, run your hand up her thigh from underneath the table.

11. Kiss her hand. Then run your tongue around it in circles in the same way you’d eat her out. She’ll be dying for oral after.

12. Watch porn together and then try to reenact the scenes.

13. Bake her dessert, dip your fingers into the whipped cream on top of it, and then let her suck it off of you.

14. Break out the vibrator. Like it or not, sex toys can make her feel sensations your penis never could.

15. Make out with her for ten minutes longer than usual.

16. Moan when she touches you. Even better, moan out her name.

17. Remove your tie, wrap it around her eyes as a blindfold, and then start kissing her in surprising places.

18. Tell her how sexy she is. In detail. The more beautiful you make her feel, the better.

19. Play with her hair while you kiss. When the kissing gets more intense, pull her hair, instead.

20. Undress in front of her. You can even put on some music and give her a Magic Mike styled strip tease.

21. Take a bath together. Help her wash her hair, then her stomach, then her breasts.

22. Take off one piece of her clothing, and make out with her. Take off another piece of her clothing, and make out with her. Repeat.

23. Suck on an ice cube and then suck on her clit.

24. Buy an adult board game and perform whatever act it asks you to do. No exceptions.

25. Kiss areas of her body you usually ignore, like up her arms and down her legs.

26. Ask her what she wants you to do to her, and then do it.

27. Pretend you’re strangers that are aiming to have a one-night stand with each other.

28. Grab her ass in public. Kiss her when no one is watching. Make it so she’s dying to get back home, alone, with you.

29. Instead of writing her a love letter, write her an erotic letter and leave it on her nightstand.

30. Playfully pull away when she goes in for a kiss. Make her wait for it.

31Walk around in the boxers you know she loves, so she can see your erection.

32. Rub your fingers against her clit while you watch TV, but don’t have sex until the movie is officially over.

33. Put on “your song” and then dance around the living room with her. Romance is the new sexy. TC mark

There Is No Right Person At The Wrong Time, The Right Person Is Timeless

Posted: 13 Jun 2016 07:01 PM PDT

lelia_milaya
lelia_milaya

The truth is, you never really meet the right person at the wrong time, because the right people are timeless; the "right one" makes you want to throw away the original plans that you had for yourself, because that's how important they are – or at least that's how important they have become. They are now on top of your priorities list. You will be willing do whatever it takes to keep them just because keeping them feels right.

The "right one" doesn't make you wonder if you ever want to spend the day with them or not because you just know.

You just know that you want to. Everything feels right when you include them in your plans, like the future adventures that you have planned for yourself doesn't seem to be as fun anymore without them in the picture.

They will not make you wonder if you ever want a future with them, because the present feels so great that you are sure you want more of it, you are sure that you want them to be in your tomorrows and your next weeks, and your next months. Everything seemed better when they came along, and this is the truth: you never meet the right ones at the wrong time – because it was the right time, it just didn't work out, maybe they weren't really the right one, or maybe you just didn't want it bad enough.

When you are with the right person, time seems to fall away.

You don't worry about trying to fit them into your busy and complicated schedule, because you know you will prioritize them anyway. Their schedule becomes the backbone of your schedule and somehow, you pattern your day into theirs, just so you could spend both of your free times together. No matter how busy your days get, you know you can work around it just to make time for the right person.

So if you have your person right now, keep them. Do whatever it takes to make them the "right person at the right time". TC mark

Netflix And Kill: 20 Awesome Horror Movies To Watch On Date Night

Posted: 13 Jun 2016 06:00 PM PDT

Some couples love curling up together on the couch for a romantic night in with a feelgood rom-com. Others prefer buckets of blood, monsters under the bed, and the screams of the innocent (or not so innocent.) Here are 20 streaming horror flicks you can watch on Netflix right now with your bloody Valentine.

Horns

Horns
Horns

Ig Perrish is having a bad day. After being accused of the brutal rape and murder of his long-term girlfriend, he wakes up with a hellish hangover and a set of horns growing out of his head. Also, anyone he comes into contact with — including friends and family — begin to tell him their deepest, darkest secrets. Yeah, pretty bad day.

Inner Demons

Inner Demons
Inner Demons

If “Intervention” and “The Blair Witch Project” made mad passionate love and had a baby, this would be it. Is Carson, a former straight-A student gone wrong, simply a young woman going through a goth-druggie phase — or is something far more sinister at play?

The Nightmare

The Nightmare
The Nightmare

This is technically a documentary but it’s very well done and extremely scary. It dives into the phenomenon known as “sleep paralysis” and how it affects its sufferers. (As a longtime victim of sleep paralysis, I can concur that this film is on-point.)

Devil

Devil
Devil

Based on a story by horror great M. Night Shyamalan, a group of wrong-doers are trapped together in a malfunctioning elevator and turned against each other one by one. Oh, did I mention one of them is Satan?

The Babadook

The Babadook
The Babadook

One of the best horror films to come out in recent years, the tale of widowed mother Amelia and her disturbed son Sam will both terrify you and also convince you that perhaps childfree is the way to be.

V/H/S

V/H/S
V/H/S

Six films, six forms of terror. A standout segment is “Amateur Night”, a pack of friends out on the prowl for some strange. Lily, however, is a little stranger than they’d bargained for. “I like you!”

Mr. Jones

Mr. Jones
Mr. Jones

Scott and Penny put their lives on hold to make a nature documentary in the secluded wilderness. Things go bad when the project doesn’t turn out as well as they’d hoped, and they go even worse when they come across the works of mysterious, elusive artist Mr. Jones.

We Are What We Are

We Are What We Are
We Are What We Are

The Parkers are a very close family. Because what draws a family closer together than a terrible, horrible secret? Ancient traditions and isolation make this film a chilling experience indeed.

Wes Craven’s New Nightmare

Wes Craven's New Nightmare
Wes Craven’s New Nightmare

Who wouldn’t want to live in a world where we get both Robert Englund AND Freddy Kreuger? This delightfully meta movie explores the idea that the actors who portray characters in the “Nightmare On Elm Street” saga are haunted IRL by the monster they thought existed only on the screen.

Creep

Creep
Creep

Light some candles, run a bath, and enjoy tubby time with Josef as Aaron films his daily life for posterity. Or is that really what’s going on? I can’t wait for you to meet Peachfuzz.

Dark Skies

Dark Skies
Dark Skies

The suburbs become a haven of horror when the Barrett family begins to experience strange occurrences. Animal attacks, odd messages, and spontaneous nosebleeds are actually the least of their worries.

The Hole (2001)

The Hole
The Hole

Liz, Mike, Geoff, and Frankie decide to blow off a school field trip and spend their free time partying in an abandoned fallout shelter. However, their brilliant plan soon goes belly-up when the door won’t open and they realize no one is coming for them. This might be considered more of a thriller than a horror flick but it’s pretty dark and features Kiera Knightly in her debut breakout role.

Banshee Chapter

Banshee Chapter
Banshee Chapter

Loosely based on a story by H.P. Lovecraft, this film was produced by Zachary Quinto (my strong-browed love) and features Buffalo Bill as a Hunter S. Thompson-esque delight. Mystery drugs, the government, aliens… just like Stefan’s favorite clubs, it’s got it all.

Dead Silence

Dead Silence
Dead Silence

James Wan’s work has a signature style without coming off as repetitive. After the unexplained death of his wife, Jamie Ashen returns to his childhood home to find out why he was anonymously sent a ventriloquist’s dummy named “Billy.” Billy leads him to the dark legend of Mary Shaw and what happens when she makes you scream…

The Haunting (1999)

The Haunting
The Haunting

A loose remake of the 1963 original (and the Shirley Jackson novel), this film follows a group of people attending what they believe is a sleep study — but turns out to be something far more terrifying. It’s fairly star-studded, featuring Liam Neeson, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Owen Wilson.

The Faculty

The Faculty
The Faculty

Travel back to high school with this late-90s gem. Josh Hartnett and pals go on a super spooky romp while trying to avoid becoming alien food, all set to an alt-grunge soundtrack that will make you miss when Garbage was popular.

Stonehearst Asylum

Stonehearst Asylum
Stonehearst Asylum

At Stonehearst Asylum, cruel procedures and “cures” have been replaced by kindness and freedom. But is all as it seems? With Ben Kingsley, Kate Beckinsale, and Michael Caine starring, this movie is chock full of talented Brits and scary bits.

Honeymoon

Honeymoon
Honeymoon

This one is perfect for the romantic night in! After their marriage, Bea and Paul go on their honeymoon set in a rustic cabin. And everything is wonderful! Just kidding, this is a list of horror movies and you know everything goes straight to hell.

The Shining

The Shining
The Shining

I shouldn’t have to explain why you need to watch this masterpiece. Join the Torrance family at the Overlook Hotel, sit back, and enjoy. After all, you’ve always been there. TC mark

Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz
Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz

This Is The Heartbreaking Reality Behind Loving Someone Who Can’t Give You Enough

Posted: 13 Jun 2016 05:00 PM PDT

Stephanie Red
Stephanie Red

People say it's possible to love too much, and that it's also possible to love too little. Sometimes you don't give it your all, or maybe you don't care enough. But what about the grey area? What about the spot in between all of that? What about a place that no one defines, including you, and including me?

You don't need to define anything. You can just be. Together. You are what you can be to me, and I am what I can be to you. At least that's what I told myself. No expectations to meet or hold you to. Because expectations are just a setup for disappointment right?

No titles to tell us what this means or what it has to mean. No title such as "girlfriend" to validate being mad at me if I can't make your improv show. No title such as "partner" to validate being upset with me if I decide to stay home one night instead of grab dinner with you. No title such as "boyfriend" to validate being hurt if you sleep with someone else.

No titles and no pressure.

You can live your life with me sometimes, and I with you. It's "casual." It's grey. Because things aren't just black and white, right?

You can text me for dinner when you feel up to it. I can meet you on Monday. We will drink until the late hours and head back to your place. We sleep together and when we're done, turn in different directions. I wake up to you scrolling on your phone, and we part ways. That's the routine, anyways.

I can text you on Wednesday. "Come over, let's watch movies, or create things, or go to a show." You'd come over and we would talk about projects together. We would watch sitcoms. We would cook food and browse Instagram while lying next to each other. "Have you seen this meme yet?". We'll both laugh. You'll be gone before 11PM because you have work early.

You text me casually over the weekend to meet up for drinks. I bring my friends, you bring yours. Somehow I end up home with you again. I don't want to stay the night, but I want to stay with you until you fall asleep. I can sneak away and call an Uber. When you wake up in the morning and I am not there, you will not be upset. Because you don't expect me to be there, and I don't expect you to want me to be there.

You can't love too little, and you can't love too much. You can't give too little, and you can't give too much. Nothing is defined, so nothing can be one or the other. It is simply what you wish it to be in those moments. It's grey.

The grey area is safe because you never have to admit to what you feel or what you don't feel.

You don't have to hear what they feel, or don't feel. The grey area is safe, because you can still be selfish. You can protect yourself from being involved. You never have to face rejection. You never have to acknowledge that you feel more or that they feel more. At least that's what I told myself.

Until they do. Until you do.

I found myself wanting to text you for dinner plans on a Saturday, so I did. But you were busy, and for some reason, I was hurt.

I found myself wanting to go on trips and adventures with you. But you were busy, and for some reason, I was upset.

I found myself thinking of you in the late hours and wondering where your text was in the early morning, while you laid in the arms of another, unfazed.

I had grown accustomed to waking up to your good morning texts, and falling asleep to your goodnight calls, and for some reason, I was bothered by this.

You found yourself on other dates, with new people, and new places. You still texted me on weekdays to spend time together, but the rest of your life became a mystery.

You found yourself having to explain yourself to me more. Why were you acting this way? Or why did you say this when you really meant this?

I found myself exhausted in trying to understand.

I pulled away to create distance. I pulled away to get rid of these expectations that would never be a reality. I pulled away to get rid of the idea of you and us and those things being together. Once the expectations were there, they were almost impossible to get rid of.

I began to hurt, and you didn't notice.

You didn't notice when I wasn't the same. You didn't notice when I was busy. You didn't notice, because you didn't have to. I lost you, before I ever chose to let you go.

Letting you go wasn't my choice, and I almost believe it wasn't yours either. It happened before we realized what we were getting into. It happened when we thought we were still safe.

I lost you to the grey area. TC mark

When Your ‘Almost Boyfriend’ Ends Up In A Real Relationship With Someone Else

Posted: 13 Jun 2016 04:00 PM PDT

LookCatalog.com
LookCatalog.com

You texted him for months. You flirted nonstop whenever you saw each other face-to-face. You even slept with him once or twice. But you never earned the title of his girlfriend. You always assumed he preferred the single life, but now, he's suddenly in a serious relationship with someone else. WTF?

You're super pissed about being fooled.

You thought he wasn't the relationship type. Turns out he's entirely capable of committing himself to someone else, as long as that someone isn't you. You can't wrap your head around it. You thought that there was something special between the two of you, but you were clearly wrong. Apparently, the "almost relationship" that you fantasized about every night was just a meaningless fling to him.

You don't know what to do next.

You were never actually an item, so should you take the high road and congratulate him on his new relationship status? Should you call him up, screaming about what a bullshit move it was for him to lead you on for so long? Or should you stop answering his messages and delete him from Facebook, since he clearly doesn't care about you anyway?

You question everything that’s ever happened with him.

That time you kissed him and he looked flustered? Maybe he wasn't nervous. Maybe he just didn't want you around. What about that time when he stopped answering your texts for a few days? Maybe he wasn't playing hard to get. Maybe he was trying to push you away. Like in (500) Days of Summer, you'll relive every moment you shared, looking for those first signs of trouble.

You don't understand him.

If he really was the relationship type after all, then why didn't he date you? You had a good time together. You made him laugh. You made him hard. Those are all things that girlfriends do for their boyfriends, so why didn't he want something real with you? You just don't get it.

You feel stupid for being upset.

After all, he was never really yours in the first place. Sure, you shared a few intimate moments, but it's not like he was your boyfriend. When you think about it, he technically never did anything wrong, like admit aloud that he liked you or promised you he'd stick around. He slipped through all of the loopholes, so that you couldn't be mad at him once he moved on.

You're beyond jealous.

That girl in his Instagram pictures could've been you. Should've been you. You'll stare at her for as long as your damaged ego can take, trying to figure out why he thinks she's more attractive than you. Why he decided to shatter your heart and steal her's instead. Why he's putting you through all this pain.

You finally have your answer.

You always thought that one day, eventually, he'd decide to make your relationship official. Now, you know you'll never be together. Even if he breaks up with this new girl, you don't want him anymore. He hurt you too badly for things to ever go back to the way they were. But in a weird way, the whole thing is a relief. Almost relationships cause constant confusion. It's nice to have a concrete answer for once. Now that he's officially off the market, you can finally move on. TC mark

24 People Share The Grossest, Most Unsettling Thing They Ever Experienced While Hooking Up

Posted: 13 Jun 2016 03:00 PM PDT

Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz
Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz

Okay, you can probably get through these but it’ll be a challenge. I left out some of the worse ones as an act of mercy. In case it needs to be said…NSFL.

1. Sixty Two Stitches

Girl beneath me, rolls me over onto my back – in the process we roll off the bed and we land on the floor, me on the bottom and her still straddling me. Her leg went straight through a big glass of water. Blood everywhere. She had lacerated her leg straight to the bone in a clean cut: I could see her muscle. Within ten minutes of our initial playing around there were 6 firemen and 3 policemen in the room (she was mental and shouted down the phone that I had a gun so they would come sooner). I was high and drunk and so her roomie took control. Paralysed by shock and weed, I had to hide while they took her in the ambulance as she was THAT crazy that I was expecting her to call rape.

She required 62 stitches, 40 on the muscle covering her shin.

This is the singular most traumatic experience of my life.

2. Bless You

He pulled it out to come on my face, I was unprepared and snorted his semen up my nose. We started making out and I sneezed his semen onto his own face.

Probably grosser for him than for me, but not by much.

3. Love Conquers All

My story probably doesn’t compare to any of these but here goes:

I had recently found a new girlfriend. A cute, blonde girl with lots of curves in all the right places. We had been together for a little while (this was back when I was a Jr. in college and she was a freshman) when we went to this huge party. We both ended up getting totally trashed and wound up back at my place. Needless to say I was waaay to drunk to get any bidnass done that night. The next morning we woke up and started to get it on. For some reason, Im always really randy after a night of heavy drinking. Anyway…midway through the sex, we are doing it doggy style with her on all 4 at the edge of the bed and me standing behind her on the floor. I am hammering away like a rabid jackrabbit when, all of a sudden, i get that sour food, extra saliva feeling in my mouth. I knew what was coming but it was too late. As the puke surged up my esophagus, I clenched my hands over my mouth in a death grip, but to no avail. I spun around and tried to aim for my waste bin….but it was no use. I ended up projectile vomiting in about a 3/4 circle. I managed to go from her right side, across that wall, across the wall behind me (and the bookcase that was there), all over the waste bin, and i over spun and went passed the waste bin and got it on my floor and the bed on her left side. Luckily, only some puke flak got on her back….

She’s a great girl though, that was 3 years ago and we are still together…

4. Legit Upsetting

Three words.

Anal sex. Pinworms.

It’s fucking nasty to pull your dick out and see a dozen or so worms writhing around on the condom.

5. Butt Stuff Isn’t For The Timid

So, the boy and I like some backdoor fun from time to time. We talk about it more than we do it because it’s tiresome to get ready and clean up after… usually worth it though ;). One Saturday afternoon, the boy is performing some world class cuminonumbulus when I feel a pressure at my nether orifice. I soon realised he was using some beads on me. We had some filthy and very very satisfying sex, then I went to the bathroom to clean up without removing the beads.

I’m so glad I did that.

I sat on the toilet to get the beads out.

I’m so glad I did that.

Those beads were solidly embedded in a great big turd.

I just stared at it dumbly for a moment before the smell hit me.

6. Definitely Karma At Work

I accidentally shit once while fucking a girl.

I was pretty drunk and had to fart.

I had the runs, and well. You know… I pooped. It was especially runny, it felt weird landing on the back of my thighs. It really sucked, but I kept on at it for a few more minutes.. Then I felt the bubble guts. I was torn. I was drunk, so I was debating if I wanted to just shit and keep going or get up and run away. Some how those were my only two options.

My body had a third option.

I decided to get up and just leave but I didn’t want get my pants all covered in shit.

So I did a quick wipe with the boxers, threw my jeans on.. and pretty much just walked out.

I was really upset at myself for how I handled it.

I started to walk home and I fell down and shit myself.

I think it could have been karma.

7. Busted

We were messing around in the car waiting for the class to start where I had to write my midterm exam. So to relieve some pressure I suggested a quick one. She agreed. We were in the school parking lot and right when I finished and was about to pull the condom (my gf was in the front seat already) our prof parks right next to us. I was terrified to say the least.

He said/gestured if I was coming to class and so I rolled my window down with my hand on my crotch and said yes. He said, “Do you mind helping me with these papers?” with the best poker face ever! I had no other choice but to say yes. So I pulled my pants up and walked with him with the cum filled condom still on my penis.

I was in the class for one hour and 45 mins and had to write the test with the condom on my dick. Every time I moved I died a little inside.

8. Banjo String

I split my ‘banjo string’ if you know what I mean. Blood EVERYWHERE.

9. “Deaf Girl Down”

I went to college at a school with a large deaf population, so there a couple thousand deaf kids running around campus at any given time. First big party night of the fall, and everyone is getting shitfaced. Two of my roommates and I had returned to the apt for a quick smoke session.

So in barges our other roommate with a girl of clearly questionable virtue, and immediately they run upstairs to his bedroom without another word. Our roommate was a lanky ginger with a scruffy red beard and mustache… we used to call him brother Hezekiah.

So about 5-10 minutes go by, and all of a sudden this girl comes bounding down the stairs half dressed at best and runs out the door. Our roommate closely follows jumps down the last stair to the landing, and starts yelling “deaf girl down! deaf girl down!”.

We start laughing hysterically and as I’m about to ask him wtf happened, i notice the blood running down his redbearded chin to his neck and chest. It was truly a vulgar site…at that point I literally fell to the floor laughing.

Long story short, she was deaf and couldn’t seem to communicate to him not to go down on her because she was on her period. She fled the scene in mortified embarrassment.

My roommate, despite our advice to the contrary, splashed some water on his face and went back out to party.

10. Cheesy

Going down on a guy can be like being locked in the trunk of a car with old cheese. WASH YOUR BALLS! And it wouldn’t hurt to trim a lil. The grossest sexual encounter I’ve had was a guy who sweat so profusely it was dripping on me, then he flipped his sweaty ass around into my face to attempt what I can only assume was a 69 position but was more like being force fed a butt sandwich and I could see the sweat glistening on his ass/ball hair, that, and the cheese smell coming from his balls made my eyes water and I threw him off me and ran to the shower. 30 minutes of soap and hot water and I still didn’t feel clean.

11. Drank A Drugged Drink Intended For A Girl

I once got drugged, no shit.

Went to a swingers club with my chick at the time, was hanging out and having a great time. At some point I figure I must have picked up the wrong champagne glass that was meant for this hot ukranian girl next to me.

About an hour later we were going in the taxi back to our apt with another girl my gf had met there at the club when I was violently sick and started to black out, in the front of the cab. Barely made it home, then collapsed for about 15 hours. Aparently my gf and the chick had to pay the taxi guy like 100 bucks and it was a big mess. Of course my 3some was off, thanks asshole.

I totally didn’t think that ‘date rape drug in your drink’ urban legend was true until that night.

12. The Most Horrible Of Horror Stories

So this one time I’m having sex with my girlfriend right, and it was all good and sexy so we finish up and everything seems cool.

Then about 9 months later a fucking little human being comes out of her pussy! I mean just like pops out and I saw that shit with my own eyes!

The little fucker is still living with us.

13. What A Trooper

A girl I had been dating for awhile climbed on me for 69. As she scooted back, I saw something white, realized too late that it was a clump of toilet paper, and got it in my mouth. Pretty nasty, but I spit it out and kept going.

14. Cats Hate You

Last summer my husband and I were living with roommates who had a cat. We were drinking and started getting hot and heavy, he stripped down and jumped on the bed, said something about it being wet and jumped back up. One of us had left our bedroom door cracked and the cat had gotten stuck in the room, and pooped all over our bed. Worse is that apparently this cat was sick with worms. My poor husband was covered in kitty diarrhea, blood and worms.

15. The Mystery Throat Infection

I went down on my girlfriend when neither of us had realized she had a yeast infection. I knew something was off, but kept going anyway. Two days later I had a sore throat and when I looked at it in the mirror it was all white and nasty. Then, she went to the doctor, got her diagnosis, and when she told me about it I put 2 and 2 together and realized that I had a yeast infection in my throat. Ugh. It went away pretty quickly on its own though.

16. She Needed Help…

Having sex with my wife, and then noticing that something didn’t feel quite right, she still had a tampon in from 4 days prior…and i had to help pull it out….

17. Roommate Walked In And Immediately Regretted It

Freshman year of college, I met this guy and brought him back to my dorm (I’m also a guy). He seemed nice and everything, and he was cute, and we started to fuck around. Eventually he decided he wanted to bottom (i.e. get fucked), and so we started having intercourse…

I started to smell the distinct smell of fecal matter very soon. I thought “whatever, I guess you should expect a little smell when having anal sex.” I continued, and the smell continued to get worse.

Eventually, we finish, and I pull out – only to see a stream of shit spew out of his ass. It was everywhere. I mean, fucking everywhere. It was explosive diarrhea-type shit, on my bed, on me, on the wall even.

… and then my roomate walked in.

I found out later that the dude had a severe bowel problem of some kind, and really shouldn’t have bottomed. My ex-roomate is still a friend of mine, and I still have to assure him that that’s not what gay sex generally looks like.

18. The Most Polite Lady Ever

I have to steal a friend’s story here, so here’s to you Nate!

So Nate was in South Carolina for the summer, and he went out for a night of drinking. He met an older lady (Nate was 21, she was in her 40’s) and apparently hit it off. They left together, but since Nate was staying with his aunt and uncle, and she was married, they didn’t have a proper place to go have a fuck. They decide to just pull over and have at it right there in some random field.

So, Nate get’s off, they get back in the car, he drops her off, and he goes home to get some rest. He went to the bathroom to piss out some of the beer he drank that night and looked down at his dick. It was GREEN. So, naturally, he freaks out and calls the girl up immediately (apparently they had exchanged numbers).

She answers and he immediately demands to know what the fuck is up with his dick being all green. To which the random older woman replies:

“Honey, you seemed to be enjoying yourself so much, I didn’t have the heart to tell you that you were fucking the space between my ass cheeks and the grass.”

I guess it isn’t that gross, but I thought it was worth noting.

19. This Is A Girl That Fears Nothing

I was going down on this guy that I had just started seeing. He is uncircumcised so I pull the skin down around the tip and see *shudder… cottage cheese. I just could not go on but being the resourceful girl that I am, I stood up, walked over to the sink, ran some warm water on a wash cloth, came back, playfully cleaned him up and went back at it.

20. Seems An Overreation

First year of university. I’m escorted back to my domicile by a young gallant. Once we get in, I’m naked, admiring his rather lovely body and ignoring his rather stilted pillow talk. All was going well… until my period started.

That pretty much killed the mood, and I can understand. But I thought it was a bit disproportionate when he got his phone out and CALLED HIS MUM FOR A RIDE HOME. Especially since he was STILL NAKED AND ERECT. I watched this punk rock dude, naked but for mohawk and piercings, stiffy gently bouncing, politely tell his mother where he was and that yes, he’d submitted his coursework.

That was a bit wrong.

21. Like Drinking From A Latex Cup

In Beijing, I hooked up with this woman I met at a bar. Right after we finished going at it, She asks me, in Chinese, if she can drink my water. I couldn’t understand what she meant. I didn’t have a bottle of water or anything. It turns out the word for ‘water’ actually means ‘liquid’ in general. She point towards the used condom I was still holding, took it from my hand, tipped it up, and drank it down–sucking the condom inside out to get every last drop. I died a little on the inside.

It was the most disgusting thing I’d ever seen. What made it worse was when I tried to share my gross story with a co-worker. Instead of sharing my revulsion, he asked for her phone number.

I’m sure condoms taste nasty. I don’t know why she couldn’t have just told me ahead of time. I would have been perfectly happy to pull out, remove the condom, and finish in her mouth without having to use the condom as a nasty, latex cup.

22. Class Act All The Way

I did hook up with a girl once who’s “pubic area” smelled of death itself, but what can you say about a 22 yr old girl (who’s man is in jail) that you pick up in a Jewish cemetery at 2 am, get head from 5 min later and then try and fuck in a ditch behind her house… We went back to her house, I passed out, and woke up to realise I was sleeping on a dog turd on her bed room floor. I was amazed it was the ONLY turd I slept on. I was classy people at 16.

23. With Friends Like These…

It wasn’t gross for me personally:

My buddy and I met these 2 chicks. Way leads on to way and we’re in the hotel room, all four of us. It’s very “dear penthouse” in there – switching back and forth and such – and then we go for the epic DP. I’m pretty fucked up, but draw backdoor duty. My buddy’s got a girl on his face (straddling his shoulders) and one on his hips. I feel myself getting ready, so I pull out, walk around and… uh… come on my buddy’s face because I thought it would be hilarious.

The fallout – I’m laughing maniacally, and both girls end up laughing. My friend is pissed off, but finishes, but then punches me in the face, several times. I was laughing the whole time, but had a pretty nasty black eye.

The fallout, part the second: a few days later at lunch another friend asked how I got the black eye. My buddy just slammed his lunch tray down on the table and stormed off as I start laughing uncontrollably again.

24. Man Endures The Unendurable…Gets Blamed For It

This is the sad case of Carrie “fisher”. I met this lovely Canadian girl at a dive bar in Sydney and in my drunken suave state managed to procure her phone number. SO I called and 6 days later on the Friday I went over to her flat for dinner. I ended up talking to her gay flatmate most of the time, mostly about planes and didn’t really hit it off with the Canadian named Carrie.

Finally everyone went to bed and Carrie and I were left alone to talk in the kitchen. The kitchen talk led to kitchen kissing and before you know it I had found out that she was not wearing any panties. But through my Holmes like deductive skills I knew that something wasn’t quite right and so I sheepishly asked her: “Do you have something inside?” to which I received an unprovoked: “No, I’ve just got a shallow pussy”. My prudishness set in. And let me say I am one of those conservative looking inwardly extreme people. Suffice it to say I kept on and again was met with “resistance”. I plucked up the courage to say: “No , I really think you have something in there” and with deft and nimble fingers, proceeded to slide out and uncork a hard, 7 day old, mucous encrusted tampon.

“The Silver Slug Incident” as Carrie’s house would later call it as though it was all a big joke and not remotely gross. It flopped to the floor with a “flop” and it was kind of like Alladin’s lamp, except that the genie was the worst smell. Kind of like when you walk pass a plot of land and turn to your friend and say: “wow, smells like something is dead in there”. It was the stench of something so putrid and rotten and it went deep inside me. After seeing smelling it she immediately stated: “Oh, my god I am sooo embarrassed.” I, of course, was embarrassed for her and nervously asked if she wanted a bath. “What do you mean?” Not knowing what to say I said with a question: “with me?” Cut to having a bath Cut from bath to spending the night and actually having sex with her because I was to wimpy to say: “That’s gross and I am outta here!”

Cut to the next week in the dvd store that I worked at. She comes in and rents Spiderman. We talk in that “I’m not acknowledging what happened” way. Her flatmate-a girl comes in and also gets Spiderman and with a tiny dvd store full of customers yells out as she leaves: “Oh and by the way…you gave Carrie a yeast infection!” TC mark

This Is How You’re Going To Die (Probably), Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Posted: 13 Jun 2016 02:00 PM PDT

samanthavaughan
samanthavaughan

Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

The most common last words for an Aries are “hold my beer.” Their adventurous spirit is an aspirational attribute — until they do something gloriously stupid like riding a segue off a cliff or disappearing while traveling to a foreign country they insist is “totally safe.”

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

A Taurus will die doing something they insist they can do alone, but shouldn’t. Have fun being crush underneath the bookshelf you thought you could move on your own!

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

A Gemini will die by making friends with the wrong person. They’re so friendly and positive that they see the good in everyone — even people that scream “bad for you.” While they SWEAR they have excellent intuition, they’ll die by their misplaced trust in a fixer upper of a friend.

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

A Cancer will die of a broken heart or something equally sappy and lame. When something really bad happens, their self-destructive habits come out. They’ll wallow away until their resolve to go on fizzles.

Leo

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

A Leo will die in a desperate plea for attention. Every #selfiedeath has been a Leo.

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

A Virgo will die at the office. On a holiday weekend.

Libra

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

A Libra will die doing something for someone they love. Like, there will be a flu shot shortage one year and they’ll forgo one out of the goodness of their hearts — and then get the flu and die.

Scorpio

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

A Scorpio will die in a fight with someone over a topic they’ve already forgotten about. They will leave instructions to make sure their obituary clarifies that they won.

Sagittarius

(November 23rd to December 21st)

A Sagittarius will die of laughter, probably at their own joke.

Capricorn

(December 22nd to January 20th)

A Capricorn will die of old age on a deathbed, surrounded by all the people who have disappointed them in their lives so they can spend their last few hours being let down one last time.

Aquarius

(January 21st to February 18th)

An Aquarius will die helping someone in need — at their own expense. They’ll pick up a hitchhiker that plays on their sense of duty and do-gooderness or get hurt while trying to rescue someone from an accident. They’re the kind of person you hope is around in a crisis.

Pisces

(February 19th to March 20th)

A Pisces will wander into traffic while writing a poem on their iPhone notes or getting lost in the lyrics to whatever dreamy song is playing in their headphones. They will literally die because their head was in the clouds. TC mark

15 Women Reveal Exactly What Turns Them On About Other Women

Posted: 13 Jun 2016 01:00 PM PDT

LookCatalog.com
LookCatalog.com

1. "Their backs. Not their backsides. Their actual backs, like when they expose their shoulder blades in one of those cutout dresses or in a sleeveless one."  Amy, 22


2. "Everyone's obsessed with Kylie Jenner lips, but I don't get it. Big or small? Doesn't matter to me. As long as they're soft. A good kisser is a good kisser, no matter what their lips look like."  Lindsay, 23


3. "Tattoos. They're hot on men and they're hot on women. Piercings, too." — Lisa, 24


4. "Everyone's probably saying this, but I'm a big fan of booty. I've got a big one and I appreciate other girls who do, too. Maybe I'm just turned on by myself." — Allison, 23


5. "I've stuck to dating guys my whole life, but I can't help but get turned on when I see another woman strutting her stuff in a pair of stilettos. I suck at walking in them, so I know it takes talent. And it shows off those long legs I always wished I had myself." — Amanda, 24


6. "Eyebrows. I don't care what her boobs or her butt looks like. The first thing I'm noticing is her face, and the first thing I'm seeing on her face is her eyebrows." — Jennie, 22


7. "If you ask me, confidence is sexy in both genders. If it's clear your comfortable in your skin, then I'm going to turn my head your way, no matter what you look like." — Cara, 27


8. "Don't get me wrong. I like men as much as women. But I'm not a huge fan of how much hair men leave on their chest and underarms. Now, a woman doesn't have to shave everything off in order to be attractive, but to me, smooth skin is sexy skin. It's nice to run your fingers up against."  Denise, 25


9. "Dicks just aren't attractive to me. At all. Never have been. But boobs are beautiful. They feel amazing, too." — Cheryl, 25


10. "Their scent. I've always considered myself straight, but when I hug my girlfriends and smell some sort of fruity perfume on them, it drives me loco. I'd be lying if I said I haven't consider kissing them once or twice."  Lola, 21


11. "Physical strength. Nothing hotter than watching a woman in the boxing ring or swimming laps around the pool. I guess I have a thing for athletes." — Ashley, 21 


12. "Their hair. I know man buns are a thing now, but there's still not that much boys can do with their hair. But women have a world of possibilities, and I like the variety. Bobs. Lobs. Pixie cuts. All super sexy. I'll like a girl with hair down to her ass one day and a girl with a buzzcut two days later." — Samantha, 24


13. "I've never really thought about what turns me on. It just happens. I suppose it happens the most in summer. Women in bathing suits, they're so revealing these days. Almost like catching a glimpse of her naked." — Mandy, 22


14. "I think my favorite thing about women is the way that their eyes look after applying their makeup. I'm a sucker for blue ones, but anything will work, as long as they have on some mascara to really open up their eyes and define the lashes. I'm a makeup junkie. What can I say?"  — Sasha, 27


15. "What do women do that turn me on? Everything. They're hot. It's more about the way they move and the way they talk than the way they look for me, but I like the eye candy, too. It's just everything."  Carrie, 24

Don’t Watch The Sunset With Me If You Don’t Plan On Watching The Sunrise Too

Posted: 13 Jun 2016 12:00 PM PDT

 Paolo Raeli
Paolo Raeli

Don't watch the sunset with me if you will be gone at night. Only watch the sunset with me when you're willing to stay with me till the sunrise; I don't want to talk about things that don't matter that will be forgotten the next morning. I want to talk all night about the darkness and about the light, about the dreams and the setbacks, about the love and the heartbreak and about me and you. I want to take my time talking and listening and laughing and crying. If you don't have the time for that then you don't have the time for me.

Don't spend time with me if you want to spend time with someone else. Only spend time with me when you're ready for spending a lot of time with me, when you're ready for taking random road trips and long walks after midnight, when you're ready for random dinners on weekdays and chilling at home on Sundays and when you're ready to make time for me. Don't give me half of your time when you can give me all your time.

Don't call me at night if you don't plan on calling me every night. Don't make me fall asleep thinking of you if you don't plan on reminding me in the morning that you were thinking of me too. Call me when you know that you want to hear my voice every night before you sleep because it makes you smile, call me when you don't want to call anyone else but me because no one else gets you like I do and call me when my call becomes the one thing you look forward to in your day because it makes it all a little bit easier.

Don't ask me personal questions and make me open up to you if you don't plan on keeping all my secrets. Don't ask me about my childhood if you're not going to come home with me so I can show you my box of memories and the pictures that defined my childhood. Don't ask me about my family if you don't plan on meeting them one day and telling me that they're exactly how I described them to you.

Don't ask me about my past lovers if you plan on being one of them. Don't let me trust you with my secrets if you plan on being one yourself.

Don't ask me about my broken heart if you're planning on breaking it again. Only ask me when you're ready to love me, when you're ready to prove me wrong, when you're ready to do whatever you can to slowly put the pieces of my broken heart back together.

Don't love me if you're not going to be crazy about me and don't try to be part of my life if you're planning on leaving. Only come in my life when you know that there is nowhere else you'd rather be.  TC mark

I Am A Queer Muslim And Please Remember That Terrorism Isn’t Tied To Faith

Posted: 13 Jun 2016 11:45 AM PDT

Jared Erondu
Jared Erondu

I’m a queer Muslim. To those of you who think that’s an oxymoron look no further than the motto, “land of the free, home of the brave.” It feels like those who are not free are the only members of this nation who are showing any kind of bravery; whilst the free, for the most part, hide behind a veil of privilege.

What happened in Orlando was absolutely horrifying and indicative of systemic hate and oppression. The media response from the “powers that be” was nothing short of disgusting (I’m looking at you Trump). No one should be congratulated over the death of the innocent. One wife-beating asshole does not represent an entire faith.

To those of you who do not think that homophobia is real, look no further. To those of you who do not think gun control is an issue, look at the numbers.

To take an instance of homophobia and turn it into a religious war only does more to belittle the lives of a community who have fought for decades to fall in love and build honest lives together — without you peeking up their skirts or preaching fire and brimstone. The massacre at Pulse was not about Islam. It’s not about the immigration the media would have you believe — the night of the shooting was a Latin night whose flyer featured beautiful, strong trans women in celebration.

These are the victims, a people as deserving of a home here as any of you. Brown bodies wanting to be free and find joy, only to be gunned down by a lone killer who let society and a twisted view of faith affirm his view that these poor souls were lesser. They are not. We are not. We are most certainly not better if we do nothing to change hateful spiral we are all going down.

Stop fighting hate with hate. We need reform. Realize that to be free we must be brave, and challenge those voices that only scream oppression.

Don’t let indifferent officials tell you who and how to hate. Support each other and fight to allow people both like and not like you to love each other and feel safe enough to love themselves and dance or use a bathroom in peace.

Remember those acts of horror that happen all around the world that the media does not deem worthy enough to reach your newsfeeds. Remember that terrorism comes in all colors and is not tied to one faith. It happens in the policies we do nothing to change and the slurs we let slide with no qualms. Remember that your definition of family or of a man or woman is not Merriam-Webster approved and you are no one’s God to deem how they should or should not live.

If you don’t want to see two men in love, look the fuck away. But don’t use the continued hurt of a wounded community to direct your hate elsewhere or affirm made-up truths that support your own heartless agenda.

Pray for the victims, but don’t forget to be angry. Not at another group of oppressed individuals, but the people who strip these groups of agency and identity. Be mad at the politicians who want to destroy the idea of intersectional identities and crush both change and joy.

The only side you have to choose is the one of love and acceptance, not “us,” not “them.” Remember that families have been torn apart and devastated — families just as worthy as your own; there is no room for more hate unless it is directed at those policies that allow these things to happen. This isn’t about your religious persecution or your straight cisgender discomfort at a group of beautiful people daring to be happy. An American homophobe is a terrorist regardless of whom he worships, and when you are a silent member of a country of hateful homophobes, you are part of the problem, too. TC mark