Thought Catalog

50 Hot As Fuck Fantasies To Masturbate To If You Want One Intense Orgasm

Posted: 29 Jun 2016 08:15 PM PDT

Drew Wilson
Drew Wilson

1. Imagine you’re having sex with your favorite band member backstage after the concert.

2. Imagine getting naked on a secluded beach and riding your partner while looking out at the scenery.

3. Imagine getting a lap dance from your crush, and then having it turn into hot sex.

4. Imagine having a threesome with your favorite actor and athlete in a fancy hotel room.

5. Imagine you’re having sex against the hood of your partner’s Lamborghini in the rain.

6. Imagine you’re having the same sex you read about in the last erotic novel (or fanfiction) that you picked up.

7. Imagine you have your partner tied up and are free to do whatever the hell you want to them.

8. Imagine you’re going down on someone sexy, and get to listen to their moans as you move your mouth around.

9. Imagine someone sexy is going down on you, and they keep flicking their eyes up to look at you.

10. Imagine you’re fucking in the shower with water-proof sex toys.

11. Imagine you got drunk with your best friend and ended up making out with them.

12. Imagine your super hot professor asked you to stay after class and then banged you on their desk.

13. Imagine your coworker offered to drive you home, and then fucked you in the backseat of their car.

14. Imagine having rough sex in the bathroom with a stranger you’ve just met at the bar.

15. Imagine you’ve met someone young (but legal) and are about to take their virginity.

16. Imagine you’re having sex in front of a group of people, and are enjoying being watched.

17. Imagine you work at a strip club and are making a customer so horny that they ask you back to their apartment.

18. Imagine that your partner is pinning you down, and has complete control over you.

19. Imagine you’re in a heated argument with someone sexy, and then they suddenly push you up against the wall and slide a hand up your skirt.

20. Imagine you’re making out with someone of the same sex.

21. Imagine you’re watching your partner make out with someone of the same sex.

22. Imagine seeing someone covered in tattoos at the gym, and then fucking them on the exercise equipment.

23. Imagine dancing with a stranger at the club, and then getting so turned on that you have to sneak away to have sex.

24. Imagine having sex on a hotel room balcony, where anyone could look up and catch a glimpse of you.

25. Imagine you’re a porn star and you’re fucking a stranger while cameras are pointed in your direction.

26. Imagine you’re having sex in an elevator and you almost get caught again and again.

27. Imagine you’re sitting on a train and your partner uses their hand to make you orgasm while others are bustling around you.

28. Imagine you’re your favorite Disney princess and are about to make love to your prince for the very first time.

29. Imagine your partner has brought home some new sex toys and asks you to engage in role reversal.

30. Imagine a cop has just stopped you for speeding, and you need to go down on them in order to get out of the ticket.

31. Imagine your partner is baking dessert for you, but then gets distracted and ends up covering you with whipped cream.

32. Imagine you’re stuck in the hospital, but your doctor is super sexy, and agrees to get you off to make you feel better.

33. Imagine you’re stranded on an island and end up having sex in the middle of the forest.

34. Imagine you’re at your high school reunion and the most popular kid there tries to hook up with you.

35. Imagine an attractive stranger delivers your pizza, so you invite him inside to give him something in return.

36. Imagine your partner is masturbating next to you, because they saw you touch yourself and got incredibly turned on.

37. Imagine you’re tired after a long day of work, so your partner gets on top of you and does all of the work.

38. Imagine watching a sexy couple get naked through their bedroom window.

39. Imagine you’re getting a relaxing massage at a quality spa, and they finish you off with a happy ending.

40. Imagine you’re 69ing with someone who knows exactly how to move their tongue to make you moan.

41. Imagine you’re flying overseas and you sneak away to have sex in the plane’s bathroom.

42. Imagine you’ve just moved into your partner’s apartment and are fucking on the new floor.

43. Imagine you’re on a boat in the middle of the ocean, and are having sex while looking out at the water.

44. Imagine you landed a role on your favorite TV show and your character gets to fuck your favorite character.

45. Imagine having a threesome with your friend and her hot boyfriend.

46. Imagine you’re fucking while you’re on the grass, looking up at the fireworks in the night sky.

47. Imagine you’re young again, and are sleeping with the ex that was a pro in the bedroom.

48. Imagine you’re driving your car, and your partner is reaching over to rub between your thighs.

49. Imagine you’re having sex in a French honeymoon suite on your wedding night.

50. Imagine you’re on a bed full of rose petals, surrounded by vanilla-scented candles, and are getting eaten out by the sexiest man you’ve ever met. TC mark

39 People Confess The Sluttiest Thing They’ve Ever Done

Posted: 29 Jun 2016 08:00 PM PDT

Flickr / Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz.
Flickr / Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz.
Found on AskReddit.

1. I chugged rum from a horse dildo while many people watched.

"That’s kinda hard when you are in kink. But I like this time when I was at a party and was on my knees chugging RumChata from a horse dildo while many people watched. It was pretty good."

2. I flashed my pussy at a bar full of people and let them take pics.

"Flashed my pussy at a bar full of people and let them take pics."

3. I went to church without underwear on.

"I went to church without underwear on."

4. In junior high, I let a guy suck me off for Magic The Gathering Cards.

"In junior high, I let a guy suck me off for Magic The Gathering Cards."

5. I fucked a couple different guys in the handicapped Port-A-Potty next to my high school’s tennis court.

"Fucked a couple different guys in the handicapped Port-A-Potty next to my high school’s tennis court. I was a disgustingly easy 14-year-old."

6. I fooled around with a circus carnie on a Greyhound bus.

"Back in college I fooled around with a circus carnie on a Greyhound bus. Didn’t care one bit."

7. I got a blowjob from a Jehovah’s Witness outside under a tree in the middle of a hurricane.

"I received a blowjob from an ex-girlfriend who had become a devout Jehovah Witness outside under a tree in the middle of a hurricane."

8. I let seven guys fuck me while I sucked my boyfriend’s cock.

"While sucking my boyfriend’s cock, I let anyone who wanted to fuck me do it (with my own condoms), top tally was 7. It was also my birthday. I never saw any of their faces, only felt their cock in me. We also had sex with a chick while her BF watched. Annnnddd it happened yesterday. Literally."

9. I was spit-roasted by two guys whom I had never met before.

"I lost my virginity in a threesome in which I was spit-roasted by two guys whom I had never met before."

10. One day, one bathhouse, over twenty dudes.

"I’ve often been known to visit gay saunas in London. I tend to try and get my money’s worth and stay for a whole day. I’ve already lost count of the number of guys I’ve been ‘intimate’ with throughout my life, but on one day at a bathhouse I lost count during just that visit. It was over 20 dudes."

11. I gave ten hand jobs in under 24 hours…to myself.

"I gave like 10 hand jobs in under 24 hours. Granted, they were all to myself."

12. I taught a preacher’s daughter how to masturbate.

"It’s hard to be slutty as a virgin, but I taught a preacher’s daughter how to masturbate and just corrupted her in general.

She’s a sweet innocent girl until she sends you bestiality."

13. I fucked my ex, her best friend, and one of my friends all at the same time.

"I fucked my ex, her best friend, and one of my friends all at the same time. That was exhausting."

14. I got a blowjob on a long school bus trip and got thrown out of Catholic school because of it.

"Got kicked out of my 8th grade Catholic school for getting a blowjob on a long school bus trip."

15. I fisted her in the kitchen, fucked her in the bedroom, then pissed on her in the shower.

"Ex wife and I tried to reconcile. Didn’t work out. Sex would turn in to some rather rough and nasty stuff (she loved getting fisted, and I would happily oblige).

One night, I show up at her place. Proceed to fist her in the kitchen. Then fuck her in the bedroom. Then I pissed on her in the shower.

Then she told me she wanted to fuck my cousin. So I called him up. Unbeknownst to me, he brought his roommate along as well.

Started off with cousin’s roomie eating her out. Little did he know I creampied her about 2 hours earlier. Then my cousin entered the room and got a decent blowjob (something she would never do when we were married). Then I got in on the action. We would swap positions about every 20 or so minutes—whoever was fucking her got his dick sucked. Made her the dirty little whore I knew she always was.

Culminated in making her airtight for about 15 or so minutes. I was balls-deep in her ass, cousin was pounding the ever-living hell out of her pussy and his roomie was face-fucking her. I pulled out before I blew my load and blasted her face. Then my cousin blasted her face and tits. Finally, his roomie creampied her.

Don’t miss that bitch one bit. If memory serves, that was the last night I railed her."

16. I fucked in the bathroom of a dive bar. On the floor. Ew.

1. Fucked in a stairwell in the Sutter/Stockton parking garage.
2. Had a gang bang in a porn theater in Oakland.
3. Had a threesome with a guy I knew in high school and one of his work buddies.
4. Chatted with a stranger online and met for sex within the hour.
5. Fucked in the bathroom of a dive bar. On the floor. Ew."

17. I literally face-fucked my husband-to-be because he’s an idiot.

"So. Let me begin with saying I have a very high sex drive, my fiancĂ© not so much. I’m bored horny and have a day off work. I decide to get myself near climax 6 times so I’m thoroughly riled up for my partner to come home. I tried on 6 different outfits trying to show off my ass then I begin thinking of scenario after scenario on how to turn him on. He finally arrives home and is so aloof to how over the top horny I am and begins to browse on his fucking phone! So me being like ‘AW HELL NAW’ I tear off my clothes fuck my dick in his face and say you better be in the mood after the amount of work I’ve done. TL;DR – Literally face-fucked my husband-to-be because he’s an idiot."

18. Motel Tinder Viagra blowout.

"Booked a hotel to have sex with a Tinder girl, banged her, but she had to leave to go back home before her parents became suspicious. Then proceeded to take a Viagra and bang 3 hookers staying at the hotel over the course of the next few hours. Went outside to have a smoke and there were some girls smoking weed there. I told them to try out my vaporizer and we ended up smoking together and chilling in my room. One passed out on the other bed so then I was trying to hook up with the other one but my dick just didn’t work. At that point I’d ejaculated 6 times in the previous 8 or so hours and I just couldn’t get it up. She wasn’t particularly attractive either, so that didn't help."

19. I blew someone in the back of the cab while the driver was probably watching.

"I gave someone a blowjob in the back of a cab. Pretty sure the driver could see. I cringe every time I think about it."

20. I would bang my male roommate even though I was this super-Christian.

"Years ago, when I was young, I had a pretty hot male roommate. Sometimes he’d come in my room and ask if we could have sex since ‘It had been a while’ for him. So even though I was supposed to be this super-Christian student, I would say yes. And to this day I have never regretted it! Those are some of my favorite memories! Lol."

21. I was hit by the most godawful stench I’ve ever smelled coming out of another human being.

"While in college, I got to know lots of the town folk—townies—because my first roommate in the dorms was from there. Through them I eventually met Inga, an older gal, maybe 40, who hung out at the same bar as the rest of us.

After many drinks one night as I passed her in the hallway leading to the bathrooms, and in spite of the fact that she was there with some guy, I laid a really big kiss on her. And she kissed me back. The rest of the night there were sparks between us, but she was with that guy, so I tried to be cool about it, and nothing happened, but I definitely wanted to hammer that middle-aged pussy.

Now, mind you, Inga is no great beauty, and was generally rough around the edges. She was on the heavy side, but not fat per se, and she spent a lot of her evenings some degree of drunk.

A few years go by and I’m sitting at home alone, and who should stop by but Inga. Inga’s got a buzz on, and she sits next to me on the couch. We smoke some trees and she weirdly reaches over and starts to stroke me between my eyes, like a kitty, she says. So I laid another big kiss on her and the next thing I know, we’re both naked in my room. Now, she doesn’t look great naked, but not bad, either, and I’m making out with her and sucking those titties, and ready to do the deed when she tells me she’s sworn off sex and just wants me to jerk off on to her clit, which she is vigorously rubbing. So, always a gentleman, I comply, and I jerk it and jerk it until I’m ready to climax and I get myself into position and I’m so overcome by the moment, I slide my hardness into her delightful wetness.

And it feels AMAZING! Like nothing I’ve ever felt before, tight and warm and wet. Really, it makes me want to try that again, jerk it to the point of climax and then put it in. I came hard, and she liked it, she moaned loudly and grabbed my hips pulling me into her. It was so fucking hot.

Until I pulled it out. When I did I was hit by the most godawful stench I’ve ever smelled coming out of another human being. Seriously, like I’d been fucking a bucket of swamp muck from Mordor. I almost puked and ran to the bathroom and washed my dick about ten times. Couldn’t believe it. She left soon after. I more recently was part of a conversation where two friends were talking about how choosy they were about who they would sleep with, how the girls needed to be hot, etc. Thinking of Inga I said, I’ve never been that picky, just regretful."

22. I fucked a woman in a train station toilet after approx. 3 minutes of conversation.

"Fucked a woman in a train station toilet after approx. 3 minutes of conversation. No names, no numbers. And I mean fucked, not just intercourse. It was raw, it was energetic, it was…rude. Hair pulling, name-calling, demanding, angry sex. I suspect she was satisfying some kind of stranger fetish and I happened to be the stranger she met. I had bruises and other minor ailments it was that physical (and awkward given it was in a train station toilet) likely she did too. It was slutty and it was god damn glorious."

23. I had sex with three women in under twenty-four hours.

"I woke up next to the girl I was seeing and we had sex. I went back to my apartment and showered, then met my ex-girlfriend for lunch. After lunch I went back to her apartment to get some of the things I’d left behind. We wound up having sex. Then I went back to my apartment and showered. Then I went to a party. I met a girl and we hit it off. She took me back to her apartment and we had sex. I didn’t really put together the fact that I’d had sex with three women in under twenty-four hours until the next morning, when I was taking the subway back to my apartment."

24. Maybe not slutty, but impressive nonetheless.

I’m not sure if this is slutty, but I once fucked my girlfriend nine times in a day…"

25. I came in a vagina and an asshole belonging to two different women in the span of like 20 minutes.

"At a big summer party where everyone brought tents, I brought a girl to my tent, had sex with her, came in her ass, then walked out for a smoke. Started chatting with a girl who was also out for a smoke. We walked down the beach and I railed her brains out and came I her. Came in a vagina and an asshole belonging to two different women in the span of like 20 minutes….

The second girl had a boyfriend sleeping in their tent, and after I fucked her with my poop dick she went and cuddled up to him! Suk it haterz."

26. Me, my cousin, and a friend once had sex with two trailer park stepsisters.

"Me, my cousin, and a friend once had sex with two trailer park stepsisters. All I remember is the older sister running out the room crying halfway into it because she felt guilty about cheating on her bf. Five minutes later she was back on the bed getting fucked."

27. Four months of sex, never learned her last name.

"I had a sex-only relationship with a woman for 4 months. I never found out her last name."

28. Four guys, one day.

"Slept with 4 guys in the same day. 2 or 3 guys on dozens of other days. Slept with 3 brothers. And 2 cousins. Had dozens of threesomes with identical twins. Have had sex in tons of public places. Slept with 31 men, I’m only 21."

29. I sometimes fuck random people just so I’ll have someone to eat all the baked goods I make.

"I sometimes fuck random people just so I’ll have someone to eat all the baked goods I make. (I live alone so they’d only go to waste when I don’t eat them)."

30. I fucked my ex on a train.

"I fucked my ex on a train from Halifax to Leeds, I came when we were in Bradford I think."

31. I banged every biology partner I’d ever had.

"I slept with my biology partner the day before our final lesson just so I could make sure I’d banged every biology partner I’d ever had. Never saw her or spoke to her again."

32. Slutty and sad.

"When I was ready to get over a long-term relationship through lots of anonymous sex, I used Tinder to help me out. I had been talking to this guy for a few weeks and really getting along well with him, so I agreed to meet up. He reeked like cigarettes and was sweaty and nervous. I did it anyway because, whatever, I was there.

I was disappointed in that encounter so I agreed to meet up with another guy who I had been talking to. I drove over an hour away for a second sex date in the same night. We did it for a very short amount of time, and then he got a phone call that his grandpa had died and couldn’t get his dick up for the rest of the night.

Both sluttiest and saddest."

33. A neck full of hickeys.

"Was involved in a hickey-giving competition one drunken night at a party. No sex was had (at least on my part). But goddamn, the shame I felt walking into work the next day with all these hickeys covering my neck was real."

34. 4 men at once.

"4 men at once."

35. I called in sick the next day because I couldn’t walk right.

"I’m convinced every girl has a slutty period. You’ve just gotta get it out of your system.

In mine I went on a date with a guy to a drive-in. He took me back to his place we ate ice cream and had sex. It was early when I left and another guy I was talking to asked if I wanted to chill.

Went home took a shower and he came over, we ended up having sex.

He left, I took a shower and my FWB knocked on my door. We cuddled on my couch and ended up having sex.

I was talking also texting this other guy, who, unbeknownst to me had a huge fetish for sharing. I was telling him how I’d been super-slutty that day and he begged me to tell him when my FWB left. And if I’d leave my front door unlocked and he’d come over and let himself in.

I fell asleep before he got there and he wakes me up and asks if he can please eat me out. Boy has a magical tongue and ended up making me cum so hard I passed out. Then I had the best sex of my life and called in sick the next day because I couldn’t walk right."

36. Sex for pizza.

Sex for money, sex for drugs, sex for pizza, sex w 4 guys in one day, met a guy off craigslist and drove an hour to the city and met him in a dark parking lot and didn’t even know what he looked like, I’m lucky to be alive. I’ve definitely calmed down and am in a wonderful relationship.

37. Partied like it was 1999.

"1999 New Year’s Lake Tahoe during the riot there. Night one got a legal blowjob at the Kitty Cat Ranch in Carson City. Night two took out my contacts after much drinking. Sleeping on the floor. Randomly girl asks me if I want sleep in a bed I say yes. No idea what she looks like. One thing leads to another. Blowjob sex finite. All while friends are ‘sleeping’ in the other queen bed. Night three make out with this okay looking girl. Go to the bathroom whip it out she sucks it. I jerk off on her face. That was the trifecta weekend of my slutdom."

38. Got a blowjob from my GF and my best female friend at the same time.

"Got a blowjob from my GF and my best female friend at the same time while ungodly baked. I was too stoned to know what was happening and they stopped before it got really good."

39. I walked out to the kitchen, naked, to the sounds of screaming and yelling from both parties in the other room.

"So I met a girl, we hit it off. Saw each other off and on for a couple of weeks before I walked in on my best friend/roommate/ex-boyfriend having sex with her on my bed. They never noticed. A few weeks later she started dating him after I wouldn’t have sex with her. Couldn’t get the image out of my head.

Well, fast forward to me about to move out, me and my roommate got drunk together and were playing killing floor. One thing led to another and I was blowing him under the table. Ended up going back into his room and proceed to toss our 400 combined pounds about in a sexy manner.

Then, it struck me…The next day his new girlfriend came over while he was at work. One thing led to another, and we had sex on his bed. He caught us in the act and proceeded to lose his shit on her, not me. It was obvious he was driving her into the dirt with his words, so I spoke up. ‘Dude, you have no right to be pissed. You fucked me last night while you were drunk. Get off your high horse.’ From there, I walked out to the kitchen, naked, to the sounds of screaming and yelling from both parties in the other room. I cracked a beer, smiled, and sat in the next room as they broke up on the spot.

I still masturbate to this some 4 years later." TC mark

50 Men Reveal The WORST Thing A Woman Can Possibly Do During Sex

Posted: 29 Jun 2016 07:15 PM PDT

Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz
Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz
Found on AskReddit.

1. Texting me to tell me about it. Thanks, wife.

"Texting me to tell me about it. Thanks, wife."

2. Infrequent outbursts of unexplained laughter.

"Laughing…Not the something is funny and we can both see the humor in it. Like infrequent outbursts of unexplained laughter. Makes a guy pretty self-conscious."

3. Don’t take an obvious dump in the next room right before we have sex.

"Taking an obvious dump right before, in the next room. Not a huge turn-on."

4. Don’t call me your brother’s name.

"I remember the time my girlfriend passionately called me ‘Ronnie’ during sex. My name is Phil. Ronnie is her brother."

5. Stop saying stupid porn-actress stuff.

"Please never say porn actress stuff like 'Yeah! Fuck that pussy! You like fucking that pussy?'"

6. And knock it off with the fake porn moaning, too.

"Fake porn moans, stop that, make your real sounds. Real sounds are beautiful and erotic."

7. Is this really the time to comment that we need milk?

"Starting a non-sexy conversation while we are doing it. Is this really the time to comment that we need milk?"

8. Why is this the time to discuss weekend plans?

"Talking. I don’t want to have a conversation with you about anything until later. Why is this the time to discuss weekend plans?"

9. Don’t claim to be a squirter and then just pee on me.

"Claiming to be a squirter but just peeing instead."

10. If you try licking my butthole without permission, you’re lucky my sphincter doesn’t injure your tongue.

"I shortly dated a woman that was into pretty much anything. She tried to lick my butt hole. I’m surprised my clench didn’t permanently injure her tongue. Worst part, she pressed the issue. There isn’t water cold enough to let the wind out of the sails as fast as that did. You tell me you aren’t into something, that’s the end of that unless a discussion comes up later/another time. And, it wouldn’t be mid attempt. I just expect the same."

11. Knock it off with the generic dirty talk.

"Overusing/generic dirty talk. Sure a few sexy phrases here and there are great but when it becomes boring and repetitive or simply obscure it gets hard to focus on the fun."

12. And quit telling me to talk dirty.

"’Talk dirty to me.’

Oh, okay, I was just doing a physical activity with my blood all focused in my non-thinking head, but sure, let’s have me start thinking of things to say. How about you give me some math problems while you’re at it?"

13. Quit giving me so many instructions.

"Calling too many audibles. A little bit of guidance can be helpful, but if you want total control of the experience…you should stick with your Battery Operated Boyfriend."

14. Don’t say ‘no’ when you mean ‘don’t stop.’

"Saying 'no no no' over and over again—not as in 'stop,' but instead of saying 'oh god' or 'yes yes yes' or 'don’t stop, don’t stop.' For whatever reason, some women’s 'sex sound' is to say 'no.' I get that it’s likely not something she can control, but it was a total turnoff."

15. Quit treating my balls like tennis balls rather than the delicate eggs they are.

"Getting too damned rough with the balls. Those things are sensitive ladies, and are easily hurt. My fiancee and I have been together for 5 years, and I still have to remind her about it. You want to treat them like eggs, not tennis balls."

16. Stop leaning too far back while riding on top and almost breaking my dick.

"Riding on top, the girl leans all the way back. Sure great experience for you but it doesn’t bend too well."

17. Don’t be so hung-up about how your vagina looks.

"Being embarrassed about the appearance of their vaginas. I have been with a few women who wouldn’t want me going down on them because they feel like their lips are too big or something is not exactly pink or some other small insignificant thing I wouldn’t notice while I was down there and it just killed the mood a bit. Ladies, unless your vagina is like the desert sarlacc with teeth and tentacles its fine and it really doesn’t matter what it looks like."

18. Don’t ever prop up your head while sucking dick.

"Sucking dick, but not loving it. No matter your gender or orientation, if you’re going to give oral you have got to be into giving it. Don’t ever prop your head up while sucking dick."

19. Don’t grab my ticklish balls, because I’ll start telling dad jokes again.

"I'm insanely ticklish and during reverse cowgirl, she’d grab my balls and I’d ignite with the giggles. I like being sensual with my partner but damn, the dad jokes come out after that and she hates them. TLDR – grab my balls and I tell dad jokes."

20. You’ll never be as good as I am at giving me a handjob.

"Handjobs, listen honey, you could practice from now till Armageddon and you’d not have as much experience as me at jacking my junk."

21. Quit bending my dick when I’m fucking you!

"Instead of moving up and down, causing an ‘in and out’ motion, trying to wiggle forward and backward, which just bends my dick, and applies unpleasant pressure with a shearing action on the base. I get it, it stimulates the clitoris maybe, if it’s being rubbed against my body, but if you want that, just tell me, and I can use my hand, or bring out a toy or something…"

22. Acting impatient while blowing me.

"Being impatient when giving head or handjobs, for fuck’s sake if you’re not enjoying it you could at least pretend. I’ll come when I’m god damn ready, and you rushing me isn’t going to get it done any faster."

23. Focusing too much on the tip during a BJ.

"When they focus on the tip too much during a BJ. That’s the most sensitive part."

24. Biting too hard on my lip.

"I have recently discovered that getting the bottom of my lip bitten in some ‘rough’ kissing can actually hurt like a SOB! Needless to say, it can be a pretty unpleasant experience, especially when in the midst of an otherwise sensual kiss."

25. Biting my ear too hard.

"I'm really against getting my ear bitten or anything close to that."

26. Insisting that the room be pitch-black.

"Insisting that it must be pitch-black in the room. I call it 'Stevie Wonder Porn.'"

27. For fuck’s sake, leave my nipples alone.

"For fuck’s sake, leave my nipples alone."

28. And quit sucking on my balls.

"Sucking on my balls. It doesn’t hurt, but I can’t say it feels good, either. Almost twitch slapped her on the forehead."

29. Placing a mind-control slug in my ear with their tongue.

"Stick their tongue in your ear hole. Just gives me flashbacks to Chekov’s mind-control slug in Wrath of Khan."

30. Furiously pumping my dick when it’s limp feels like getting punched in the balls hundreds of times.

"Getting a furious handy while you have whiskey dick really just feels like getting punched in the balls hundreds of times."

31. Don’t bite on or suck my nipples, because it feels fucking weird.

"Biting/sucking nipples. Don’t think it gives the same sensation a girl may get. Just feels fucking weird."

32. Quit biting my dick!

"They don’t try to, but my dick is moderately big and their teeth always scrape across my dick. Another thing they do, which isn’t great, but also not really intentional is jack my dick in an uncomfortable way. It’s like they pull and pull and don’t realize you have to push the skin back too."

33. I said quit biting my dick!

"Using your teeth while you give a blowjob. God damn I still can’t forget this one chick giving literally most painful worst blowjob I ever had."

34. Don’t jerk me off like you’re secretly The Flash.

"Jerking me like she’s secretly The Flash."

35. Don’t jerk me off while your parents are in the front seat.

"My first handjob from a girl she thought just grinding the tip with her thumb was how it was done and I couldn’t say anything because her parents were in the front seat of the car."

36. Do NOT touch my balls. Leave them fellas alone.

"Probably just me, but do NOT touch my balls. I don’t like it. Not even a bit. Leave them fellas alone."

37. Do NOT lick my asshole, no matter how clean I feel.

"Lick my asshole. Just not comfortable no matter how clean I feel."

38. Do NOT stick a finger up there, either.

"Sticking a finger in my bum."

39. As a matter of fact, don’t even approach my asshole unless I ask for it.

"Only if I ask for it, and at no other time, may you even approach my asshole. Preparation and diet are HIGHLY required before you mess with my poop chute."

40. Don’t just do the same thing over and over.

"The same thing over and over. My ex was a missionary only type of person. We tried doggy once and didn’t like it, never tried anything again. Just missionary all the time. It got so boring that I actually had more fun just watching porn and jerking off. It was a really really bad relationship."

41. Don’t get way too drunk to have sex and then get pushy about having sex.

"Getting way too drunk to have sex, and then getting pushy, cranky, and sloppy."

42. Don’t spit on my dick!

"Call me crazy but I don’t like spitting, it kinda grosses me out when she hocks a loogie on my dick for no reason, since she’s putting it in her mouth immediately after anyway. And don’t say it’s acceptable to use spit rather than lube when it’s going in the butt; I know porn stars say it’s better but in all fairness they must have gaping, cavernous assholes because if you’ve ever tried that with a girl with an average butthole you’ll realize saliva only acts as a decent lube for the first 10 seconds, after that say hello to rug-burn dick."

43. Don’t tell me my dick is big when you know it’s average at best.

When they tell me how big my dick is. I appreciate what you’re trying to do but come on we both know average at best.

44. Don’t wink at me during sex. You look like a goofball with an eye twitch.

I had one chick I banged for years that was never my gf. She was crazy in bed and would literally do anything, and she was great at being on top and giving blowjobs. But every once in a while she would “wink” at me when she was on her back, or with my dick in her mouth, or when we were doing it doggy style and facing a mirror. And it just looked so stupid in such erotic moments that it drove me absolutely bonkers because it was not only kind of creepy but took her from looking like a hot slut to a goofball with an eye twitch. So distracting and such a turn off. I never told her because I didn’t want to stop banging her.

45. Don’t sneeze on my face whilst riding me.

"Sneezing. I know it’s natural and happens but having you sneeze on my face whilst riding me, isn’t fun. At least aim away ladies."

46. Don’t dig your nails into my back like you’re hanging off a fucking cliff.

"The nails in the back and neck. Like its kinky a little bit but most women act like they’re hanging off a fucking cliff, I don’t want to bleed every time."

47. Complaining about her husband.

"Complaining about her husband."

48. Don’t do Bruce Forsyth impressions while riding me.

"Bruce Forsyth impressions while riding me. I think that might just be isolated to my girlfriend, though."

49. Don’t do literally nothing.

"Doing literally nothing."

50. I hate when grandma doesn’t knock.

"Am a virgin but it was a huge turnoff when I’m about to cum and my grandma brings in my folded laundry.…Jesus Christ, grandma, knock for once." TC mark

7 Reasons Why Dating The Good Girl Is The Best Decision You’ll Ever Make

Posted: 29 Jun 2016 07:00 PM PDT


1. A good girl is hard to find.

Just like trying to find nice guys in this world, it’s also hard to find nice girls. Good girls are the ones who are sexy in their own right and who love to make other people smile. Good girls are the ones people always gravitate towards. They are the ones you want to find. Because they are the ones that are worth dating. Good girls aren’t going to screw you over or lead you on if they like you. They aren’t going to run to another guy the second you make a mistake. They are going to actually cherish you, and value you.

2. A good girl likes to have fun.

Just because they are good, doesn’t mean they are prudes. Good girls like to please you in any way that they can. Although they aren’t going to want to go clubbing every night, they will want to spend alone time with you to make you happy. Their favorite days are going to be the ones spent with you, going on a hike, seeing a show, or even just having a lazy Sunday with you. Don’t let their demeanor fool you, they like to have fun in bed just like you.

3. A good girl is faithful.

You’ll never have to worry about her sexting other guys or being interested in anyone else. As long as you treat her with respect and with love, she won’t even want to be with anyone else. You can always trust her 100% as she trusts you 100%.

4. A good girl is sweet.

She is sensitive to other peoples’ emotions and you can count on her to raise your spirits. She is completely selfless and likes to see others around her happy. Her innocence and sweetness will make you melt and her kindness will make you a better person too. She will make you want to act better, to be nicer, and to treat people with respect.

5. A good girl won’t give up on you.

No matter your mistakes, your failures, your hardships, she is never going to let you give up. And she won’t ever lose faith in you and your talents. She’s never going to mock your failures and let you stew in your self pity. She will always, always believe in you.

6. A good girl won’t be silent.

She won’t be silent in how she feels about you, or if she is having any problems. She will tell you everything about how she is doing and what she is feeling. It’s against her nature to hide or hold anything from you. Even if it’s something hard to say, she will say it because she knows it’s the right thing to do.

7. A good girl will be your best friend.

Not only will she be your girlfriend, she will also be your best friend. She’ll hold you if you’re grieving, and hug you when you get the new job you always wanted. She will encourage you to try new hobbies, or to socialize more. She will beam at you when she sees you gazing at her across the room. She won’t let go of you when you’re hurting and won’t abandon you when you need her most. She will always be close behind you. TC mark

Why We Have To Keep Hoping Even When Everything Seems Hopeless

Posted: 29 Jun 2016 06:15 PM PDT

Roberto Nickson
Roberto Nickson

There are so many things in this world. Each individual is given a life, whether you believe it was given from God, the evolutionary theory or from some other way. The most important thing is that you are here and are breathing.

There are many who die either in war, patients who have cancer amongst other life battling diseases, a sudden death, fatal injuries as well as other incidents.

If you are alive right now do not take that for granted. Each breathe that you take should be cherished, one should acknowledge their mere existence. Live your life and seize the day. You have today and this day and date will not come back, so grab today by the palm of your hand and just exist. Life is not going to promise you an acceptable or satisfactory life, neither will it vow to be an inadequate or dreadful one.

Life will let you have your moments, some will be extraordinary and wonderful whereas others will be painful and awful. Nonetheless people will experience the good and bad life has to offer at some stage in life. The happy moments and the sad moments will come and go, but never take either for granted. Those tears will make you stronger and that laugh will make your heart feel lighter.

So, whatever moment you are going through right now just remember it is not permanent. Life only promises you one thing which is change, so your pain will turn into laughter sooner or later, just stay strong for a little while.

This is not a way for me to tell you all, life is full of butterflies and rainbows, but to let you know there is still hope, it is somewhere embedded inside of you and I need you to find it and cling onto it.

Hope is what will get you through, make it your best friend. Hope is in your smile, it is in your heart, one sees it in their loved ones, and most importantly it is in your strength and determination.

The fact that each individual gets up everyday and continues to live that is hope, eating is hope and belonging to this world and life is hope. It may not seem like a lot, but it is getting people through and for now that is okay. Everyone should be able to cry, feel defeated and endure a sense of emptiness inside.

However one should know that they have to pick themselves up after a certain amount of time. If a person needs to go talk to a professional they should, if they need to confront someone they should and if they need to be surrounded by those they love they darn right should. You are not alone, you are a fighter, and a part of so many. Do not let anyone tell you that your sadness or happiness is worthless. How one feels or what one undergoes is yours and you are the judge of your emotions and feelings. Our mind is a complex structure, we are all always fighting against or with it. All of us have the ability to conquer our battles, so never stop.

Take it one day at a time, when it physically hurts just remember to not give in, pull through. It may feel like there is no answer nor a cure, just remember in such times to look for optimism. Search and find your happiness, it will not come in an instance or in a month, but you will get there and will find it. Try to laugh and love a little. Wake up each day and remind yourself you are so much more than these four walls.

You are a friend, mother, daughter, father, son, cousin, confidante, sister, niece, nephew, grandchild, brother and so many other things. There is no remedy or easy fix which I know can drain as well as frustrate you, but sweet friend, you will overcome. Let the world and light shine through. TC mark

I Gave You Up Because I Gave You To God

Posted: 29 Jun 2016 06:00 PM PDT

haylee -
haylee –

A million words and a million faces run across my sight every day. The only one that seems to linger for more than a second is yours. In those few moments I wonder what you are doing and how are you feeling. I wonder if you can feel the same emptiness I do at certain times throughout the day.

My mind may linger on you longer than it does anyone else.
But you also leave my thoughts as soon as you appear.

I tend to have to force myself to move on to the next thing in the back of my mind. It's not an easy task but I do it because its what is best for me.

There’s no need to open up a wound that was given to God for healing. God knows what is best. He has a plan and it has not changed.

But even so, it has taken a great amount of strength for me to let go and let God. I struggle with it on a daily basis.

The temptation to text you every little detail about my day gets to be too much. But I bite it back and tell myself “no good will come from it.”

When you give something this big to God you are putting all your faith and trust in Him to handle the situation according to His plan.

One thing I have learned through this heart breaking destruction is that God has never left my side. He has always put me first even when I put Him at the bottom of my list of chores.

God is not a chore. He is not a last minute thing if you have time at the end of your day. He is not something you can just brush off because you are too tired from work or from taking care of your kids. He is the one that makes it possible for us to wake up every morning to be able to handle our responsibilities.

If He thought that the next morning or next troubling time was too much to handle He would save us from the catastrophe that would follow.

So hear me when I say this; don’t take it as me ignoring you if I do not respond. If I do not send a text saying “Hey. How are you?” it doesn’t mean I do not care. Because if I were to be honest I would say I still care very much. When I don’t respond or acknowledge that you were ever this huge part of my life and that I loved you with all of my heart, it’s because I can’t. If I do, nothing will become of it, and I will be back to square one.

I gave you up for God to control because I knew it would literally kill me if I continued on my own. I did it because I do care and you were a big piece of my heart and my life and I know you always will be. I did it because I know God has more control and better ways to fix what is broken than I do.

Only He can fix the pieces of our broken hearts and make them new. He has a plan for us. His plans has not changed and I will follow Him where He leads me. I hope you will too. TC mark

8 Signs He’s A Man, Not A Boy

Posted: 29 Jun 2016 05:00 PM PDT

apricotberlin -
apricotberlin –

It's happened more often than not where a girl has wondered to herself whether or not she's dating a man and not a boy. Whether the person before her just has a cunning tongue that spews empty promises or is a gentleman true to his word. Regardless of age, the mental maturity sometimes eludes the opposite sex and their lower package commandeers their mind, throwing respect for women and their own dignity out the window. But there are a select few who have reached an admirable state of mind. These rare breed of educated men have surpassed social puberty and practices the lost arts of chivalry and honor. Not everyone is perfect but there is common agreement in what separates the two. Gone are the days of gloating about their vices and instead replaced by articulating their present stature and future with class, intellect, and tact. Now there is a spectrum where one could be on the verge of graduating to one side over the other but this barometer is based on the upper and lower echelon of each category.
Curious to know which one embodies your significant other? Just look at these traits listed below and decide for yourself if he's a man, not a boy.

1. A man is confident in himself without the need to be overzealously loud about his success.

A boy is arrogant and loudly brings to limelight every single accomplishment he has done while simultaneously denouncing his competition.

There is a fine line between being proud of one's accomplishments versus blatantly shoving it in another's face. A man is secure enough within himself to publicize his success in an appropriate manner because he feels he has no need to prove himself to anyone while a boy seeks attention by being obnoxious about his announcements and degrading others to better himself. He will secretly look for the physical lurking eyes of girls who crave a man with trophies on display and comments and likes on his social media page to validate his status. A man welcomes the accolades but does not seek them. e biggest difference is that one pursues the acceptance and adoration while the other receives it freely without having to use a microphone. One commands through influence and leadership while the other demands with noise and fallacies.

2. A man will be direct with his intentions with you and will forego beating around the bush because he respects both your feelings and your time.

A boy will play games and entertain the possibility of other options that is available to him while talking to you.

When it comes to the prospect of a relationship, a man will be honest and candid with his feelings from the beginning. It won't be a guessing game of where the two of you stand and he will contact you when he wants to, not when the dating rules that society has presumed to be appropriate. If a man has strong feelings and would like to initiate an intimate and serious relationship, he will explicitly indicate it. If not, he will respectfully let you know and avoid dragging it out for his leisure. He will not allow it to be an unrequited courtship. A boy on the other hand will enjoy your company while in the midst of others unbeknownst to you. ere will always be that nagging question of exactly what type of relationship it is because it has never been addressed. Friends with bene t? Exclusive but not official? More than friends but can't overstep the boundary? It is a never ending guessing game and the very thought of having to suggest even having the conversation is terrifying. One sees it as an opportunity to build a monogamous future with someone they feel is special while the other looks at it as an opportunity for an ego boost without severing ties from potential candidates.

3. A man will communicate with you and take the time to resolve a fight before going to bed regardless of how small or big it is.

A boy will either shut down, blame you, or put on a facade to acknowledge the issue then move on to avoid having to actually address the problem.

Arguments and it's lack of attention is one the major downfalls of a relationship in this generation. What I mean by lack of attention is that it is usually recognized but never fully addressed and resolved. A man does not run at the first sight of adversity. He will respectfully listen to your side of the argument and then voice his opinion while ending a solution and compromise. He will not ignore the animosity that might brew and understand that if left alone, it can torment the relationship in the long run. He has an uncanny ability to understand your body language and know that suppressing emotions can be extremely detrimental. A boy will do the opposite. He will want to avoid having to x or even speak about what happened because it will force him to face emotions he deems are weak and unnecessary. He will play the waiting game where both will avoid each other for a few days to "cool off " and then reach back out as if nothing happened; this inevitably creates unresolved issues that could boil over. One sees this obstacle as a chance to strengthen the relationship while the other avoids it like a plague for fear of further becoming more involved and taking responsibility.

4. A man will respect you for who you are and will love you passed the superficial aesthetics of beauty.

A boy will constantly want you for your beauty and your body with little adherence to your intellect.

It is something that I have preached since the inception of e Modern Alice. Beauty is only skin deep and eyesight is fickle. A man will love you for all things that encompasses who you are—that includes your beauty, your body, and your mind. He will admire your personality and the person that you are beneath the makeup and the stylish wardrobe. He does not treat you as a trophy to be displayed and stroke his ego boost, instead he proudly shows you off because of the kind of woman you represent. To him your attraction stems from intelligence, your wit and humor, the quirky little things that only you reveal to him, and the way you make him feel when you have a bare face and only his t-shirt and boxers on. A boy on the other hand prides himself on having the prettiest, baddest, and most lusted woman in the area. He will expect you to look your best and be openly vexed if a hair is out of place. Aesthetics is big for those who have not yet matured as it is a barometer for social acceptance. e less attention, the lower the self-esteem and the more they justify the ludicrous idea that they are not desired. Boys have wandering eyes so if everything about you is not done to perfection or on " eek" as they say, then it's guaranteed you're just another name on the queue. One will love you for who you are and find all your flaws beautiful while the other will mold you to his ideal perception of what a woman should be according to his standards.

5. A man will support you in your career and encourage you to pursue your goals even if it means he will be put on the back burner.

A boy will ensure that he is at the forefront of your priorities and will visibly voice his discord if the situation was not to his expectations.

Women with budding careers are often put into a predicament where she will most likely have to choose between her relationship and the pursuit of her dream job. When focused on her career, she is accused of neglecting her duty as a dedicated and loving girlfriend and becomes a justified reason for her significant other to seek comfort in the arms of another woman. A man is repulsed by this idea and is secure enough in both himself and you that he supports your career and encourages you to take any opportunities that would propel you to achieving your goals in an expedited manner…even if he takes a back seat. He believes in your abilities and pushes you to become a better person. He understands your drive because he too has his own ambitions and strive to achieve them with the same intensity and perseverance. A boy will become insecure if he is not at the forefront. He himself is still struggling with the vision of his own future and revels in the instant gratification of present day luxuries. He prefers to be taken care of than to take the reigns to pave his own path. He will talk about wanting an independent woman who is established but does not want deal with the struggles that are associated with it. One will inspire you while the other will hinder.

6. A man will trust you and give you the independence to make your own decisions; so you won't have to worry about jealousy.

A boy will have his doubts and will let insecurity best him, making him lurk and allow envy to take hold of his emotions.

Insecurities are the bane to all relationships. Without confidence, there can be no trust. Constant doubt and comparisons will be an emerging issue and the repetitiveness of it can become overwhelming. A man will be in a monolithic state of confidence and comfort that he will respect your time, your space, and your ability to be an adult and make the right decisions to protect the relationship. He knows that you are capable of doing the right things and will not barrage or interrogate you. A boy will not hesitate to make accusations, whether it is silently done or vocalized loudly. He will question relationships with other male figures, make a scene in a social setting such as a bar if the opposite sex initiates flirtation, and/or gives you an ultimatum—him or your friends. One is mature enough to understand that a relationship is based on trust while the other likes to posses and claim what is his publicly in an immature fashion.

7. A man will give you his time regardless of how full his calendar is.

A boy will tell you that he is busy and to quit being clingy.

Life happens and often times others have a fuller plate than the norm. However, that doesn't mean that it is an excuse to put your significant other on the side. A relationship only works when both parties put in the time and effort. A man will always make time to contact or see you. Point blank. He might not spend every waking moment with you, but he will and ways to show you he cares. at simple gesture of "good morning or good night text" every girl vies for, that will happen. You won't have to yearn or fight for the right to receive it. It will be freely given on a consistent basis, not just during courtship. A boy will engage in such charming actions during the "chase" but once he catches you, he will retract. He will indicate that he is "too busy" and shove the "you're being too clingy" phrase in your direction (a girl's worst nightmare by the way). As the old adage goes, if you really want it, you'll find a way to get it. It's the same concept with a man and a boy. A man will do what is necessary to keep his lady happy because he understands that the little gestures are what matters while a boy does what he has to, to keep himself happy because "he's doing him."

8. A man knows what it takes to be a man and chooses to be one.

A boy knows what it means to stay a boy and chooses to do so.

There's no question that both a man and a boy know the difference between the two. is not only applies to how they present themselves but everything else that encompasses both categories: how they dress, how they articulate their opinions, how they conduct business, how their personal and financial lives are, and how they treat those around them including family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers alike. What truly separates the two is the choice in which lifestyle they choose to lead. One understands the challenge and raises to the occasion because he know he is a man of standards while the other chooses the path of being a libertine and profligate person.


Here’s What Your Personal Hell Looks Like, According To Your ‘Love Language’

Posted: 29 Jun 2016 04:30 PM PDT

1. Physical Touch

You wake up unable to feel anything because your nerve endings have all simultaneously died overnight and you can no longer register the sensation of touch. At first, refusing to believe that your body could betray you so callously, you continue to caress other people. You hug and cuddle and kiss your loved ones like crazy, desperate for things to revert back to normal. But your efforts prove fruitless. The activities that once brought you immense pleasure are no longer effective. Robbed of your inner joy, you reduce yourself to gawking creepily at strangers as they engage in public displays of affection, hoping to experience the rewards of human contact vicariously. You also start watching A LOT of porn.

2. Quality Time

An asteroid strikes Earth and as far as you know, you are the only living being left in the rubble. There isn’t a single person for you to hang out with, but a modicum of hope that you’ll encounter another survivor keeps you going—one brutal, severely lonely day after the next. As you sleep, your mind teases you with dreams of the world you once knew, but you wake up every single morning to the depressing realization that you might never spend quality time with another person again. You travel as far and wide as you possibly can in search of company, but never meet another soul on any of your journeys. Instead, you start talking to cockroaches, eventually adopting one as your pet, whom you call Fred.

3. Words Of Affirmation

After being wrongly convicted of a very serious crime, you are sentenced to life in complete silence. No one is allowed to speak to you, let alone say positive, reassuring things to you. It doesn't matter how well you behave or how kindly you act towards others because everyone is barred from flattering you with even a hint of verbal affirmation. All of your frenzied attempts to interact with others go completely unacknowledged. Eventually, because everyone tires of your pouty face and your increasingly pathetic attempts at communication, you're forced to wear a muzzle in public. Bit by bit, the universal silent treatment eats away at your once mirthful soul.

4. Acts of Service

When several horrific events across the world are traced back to well regarded, pillar-of-the-community types, everyone becomes highly suspicious of those who try too hard to be kind. The entire world agrees that “generous spirits” are a threat to society, and that those who thrive off of doing nice things for others are not to be trusted. International leaders declare that there is no such thing as a truly selfless gesture, and declare acts of service punishable by death. In the name of preventing further deceit and disaster, strict policies are instituted banning everything from holding doors open for strangers to cooking dinner for friends and picking up your significant other’s laundry. Starting at age 16, you must do everything for yourself and yourself only. If you attempt to help another person out by easing their burden somehow, you will be jailed and/or executed immediately, depending on the severity of your misdeeds.

5. Receiving Gifts

You are beamed to a parallel universe that looks exactly like Earth as you know it, with one key difference: Every single inhabitant has the power to conjure whatever they want with a snap of their fingers. You cannot present anyone with an object demonstrating your affection and/or appreciation because everyone literally has everything they want and need in life. From birth, people are trained to meet their every whim within seconds. Not even a DIY gift stands out in a place where even the most nuanced thing can be replicated within seconds. No one wants for anything on this planet, and no one is capable of recognizing the meaning or thoughtfulness behind any gift. TC mark

What Your Quarter-Life Crisis Looks Like, According To Your Myers-Briggs Personality Type

Posted: 29 Jun 2016 04:00 PM PDT

Giulia Agostini
Giulia Agostini


You just want to inspire people, man. You imagine your life as a tiny seed and each selfless action as a drop of water, each act of self-care as a handful of fertilizer, and each act of creativity as a ray of sun. Too much or too little of any of those things, and your life won't sprout. It's a balancing act … Oh sorry. You're just practicing for your next motivational speaking gig. You are so busy practicing how to help others, in fact, that your tiny seed is all but drowning.


You take a moment to step back from your first job of dutifully entering data into spreadsheets to wonder if there's more to life than practicality. The empty cells glare at you until you succumb to your own need to be reliable above all else. You reward yourself by organizing the various planes of your existence into a pie chart based on how often you exist in each one. Maybe the meaning of life is organization.


You can't convince your coworkers that robot pets are the next big thing, so you spend your evenings devising a plan to annihilate them. You sip scotch and mutter "They'll see. They'll all see" over and over again. You never sleep. In ten years, you'll sale your idea to a Fortune 500 company and make millions by your persistence alone. If you don't, well, who is anybody kidding? You will. They'll see.


You think your generation needs to get out of its head and focus on what's real. If you can't touch it, it isn't worth exploring. This mentality makes your hands-off, office job virtually unbearable. You come home to a floor covered in unfinished blueprints for various inventions. You can only find solace at your workbench. Maybe one day, you will finish something … If only you had been born before the light bulb was invented.


It all started because your significant other answered your text with one word. ONE WORD?! What does this mean? You spend the evening with friends and a bottle of wine trying to decode the foreign message. You told them you wouldn't start crying but you do as you overanalyze everything from your relationship to the meaning of life. Despite being a total mess, you still find the strength to help your friend clean up the apartment.


No, you don't look fat in that dress and your cat isn't mad at you, but that's all you can think about these days. You go to your part-time job as an interior decorator completely overwhelmed by everything going on in the lives of your loved ones. You wonder when your significant other will propose. You're emotionally exhausted, but you still make time to bake a cake for your friend's birthday and visit your parents almost every weekend.


You spend a majority of your day wondering what would happen during an alien-robot-zombie apocalypse. You create a plan for survival and miss the deadline for a paper because of it. You're still in school because you're working on your PhD in Unsolved Mysteries of the Universe. You want to be the next Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Instead, you spend all of your class time debating professors. You honestly can't decide exactly what it is you want to do in life.


Your best friend is getting married, your mom has an important doctor's appointment, and you told your coworker you would coach her through her divorce. All of this is happening in the upcoming week. When you aren't helping people in your everyday life, you're thinking about how to help women in the Middle East overcome religious and systemic injustices through various empowerment initiatives. You probably haven't brushed your hair in five days, but you continue to wear it in a bun so you don't offend anyone. Perhaps this is the meaning of life.


You're hosting three dinner parties in one weekend just to prove to everyone that you are the life of the party. Well, you'd also be lying if you said you didn't enjoy it. There's no water-cooler drama that two bottles of wine can't fix, and you bought a sequin-covered dress because you have a thirst for adventure. After some thought, you decide to cancel the parties and invite everyone to your beach house instead. You charm the pants off your crush and pretend it was an accident. Wait. This isn't a crisis. Like at all. You're the living embodiment of everything a quarter-life is supposed to contain.


You just read ten books worth of philosophy online, and you heat up a can of soup for dinner. You're not going out tonight. Your friend asked, but you need time to integrate all that new philosophy into your pre-existing mental framework. You're still freelancing even though your parents are begging you to get your PhD and teach. Academia is a circle-jerk though. You'd rather sift through academic work on your own time. You spend more time contemplating the futility of life than anything else, and to everyone else's dismay, you want to actually be the philosopher instead of teaching people about other ones. Too bad all that nonconformity doesn't pay the bills.


Dude, you totally went base-jumping last week and it was the craziest experience of your life. You wonder why people can't get that same kind of rush every single day. If only people could just, like, stop living in their heads and fully experience everything this world has to offer. "Life is just a series of moments, bro. Stop wasting them." You share most of these revelations with your 15,000+ Facebook friends, and you gain so much social media clout that you become a full-time travel blogger. If only you could remember to update it.


You just got a new, super-cool tongue piercing while you were in New York City protesting the ills of the finance industry. Now, you're back home in Portland working on a street-art style exhibit for a local museum. You live below your means because marginalized people inspire you, and you use their stories for your work. Plus, you quit your day job, so you can't blow all your money until you become a successful artist. Success isn't about the money though. Besides, you can always call your parents for more if it gets too bad.


You were voted Most Popular your senior year of high school, and that hasn't changed one bit. You're one of those people who everyone says is "so put together" even if you have on leggings and a tank top. Instead of going on dates, you take your significant other's grandma out to get a mani-pedi, and the smile on her face makes it all worth it to you. You've been in fifteen weddings, and while you love all your friends, you can't help wondering when it will be their turn to treat you like royalty.


OH THE HUMANITY! You cry every time you watch the Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials and paint a three-part picture of your emotions before, during, and after the experience. You sell it on Etsy and go back to your day job as a wedding planner with a different outlook. Of course you still enjoy finding just the right napkins for each bride-to-be's choice of silverware, but you also want to create art that raises awareness for social justice issues. Your mom tells you that you're too sensitive, but those dog's eyes were peering straight into your golden soul. You just know it.


Your favorite pastime is telling on your classmates when they were playing games on their phones instead of paying attention. You love order and more importantly, you love being the curator of it. You were the youngest new-hire at Morgan-Stanley, a surefire success. Then you started to realize that they didn't always play by the book. Rules are rules for a reason. Each day, working there becomes a little more tedious, so you're planning to quit soon and become the executive of your own business where order will rule above all else.


You do not have a quarter-life crisis. You became leader of the free world at sixteen and banned "quarter-life crisis" from the proletariat's vernacular. TC mark

This Is How I Choose To Heal

Posted: 29 Jun 2016 03:00 PM PDT

Thought Catalog
Thought Catalog

Everyone says time heals everything. I call bullshit on that. You have to decide to want to heal, before the healing process can happen. You have to find ways to heal, in order for healing to even start. It’s only when you develop the idea of healing, do you have the will to start.

And this is how I choose to heal.

I will delete all your messages because I know I’ll want to read them over and over again, until I memorize every word and emoji, and then miss you again and feel the same heartache again.

I can’t.

I will watch cartoons, the old ones and the new ones, with a bottle of Malbec, a bottle of Chardonnay, and a bottle of Rose. I will remember us as I watch the cartoons, and laugh and cry at the same time but at different things.

I will choose to be kind. I will choose to be very kind, because I know how unkindness can hurt a person, especially a sensitive person. I already feel like shit, and because I know how that feels like, I wouldn’t want to wish anything negative on anyone.

I will listen to Lana del Rey and other sad songs, and write with a glass of red wine. I will write everything about us, save the drafts, print them out, and tear them into shreds and throw them into the fire. I will write about the same damn person 200 times times, except using different words, and no one can stop me.

I will do everything I need to heal, and I make no apologies for choosing how I do it. TC mark