Thought Catalog


10 Real Men Talk About What It’s Like Having An Extremely Small Penis

Posted: 17 Aug 2016 08:45 PM PDT

Edwoodya
Edwoodya

1.

My penis is about 2.5″ erect. I’ve never told anyone about it. I don’t want anyone to know. They will think that I am less of a man. At the very least they will pity me, which is even worse.

I’m not overweight or anything like that, it’s just the way it is. I’m a virgin, never done anything with a girl. I’m average in terms of looks. I’m short but girls show interest occasionally/rarely. I’m scared to do anything. I’m 19 and in college, so everyone around me is having sex all the time and I have to just feign laughter as guys tell me that they “fucked this really hot girl last night.” It’s great. I’ve known that my penis was small since I was 13/14, but I assumed that it would grow eventually. It didn’t.

I’ve read just about every single article, study and forum post about micropenises and the consensus is that women don’t get pleasure from penetrative sex at all. In movies you see the two main characters get together and it’s very romantic, they kiss and start to have sex, they’re both moaning and loving it. It seriously breaks my heart to know that I’ll never be able to give a woman that experience. I know that I can learn to give cunnilingus (and I’ve read a lot on the topic), but it’s just not the same. Women talk about being “filled up” like its the most amazing feeling in the world. It hurts to know that I can’t provide that feeling.

I hate it so much. The thought of a woman laughing at me when the clothes come off is terrifying. Very few women would accept a man with a micropenis and even if there was a woman who could she would always think about a guy who was larger. Penetrative sex is off the table so she would probably seek it elsewhere. I know I probably sound like a whiny little bitch, and I most likely am, but it just really fucking sucks.

2.

I don’t have a love life… That’s how my micropenis effects my life.

I guess I just resigned myself when I learned it would never get bigger. So, now I just “pretend” I’m asexual and worry about other things. I actually got into spirituality/Taoism/Buddhism and now I’m thinking about chaste living and such. There are other things to do besides sex.

I should mention, though, that I still masturbate to porn. So, I’m not asexual, no matter how I present myself in life.

3.

I have a 3″ penis. In my experience, it is a dealbreaker for most women. I’ve had a couple good experiences but it’s really tough.

4.

I bottom with guys so it’s all good there. You have to avoid the size queens. Some guys really like it but gay sex dynamics are a whole other ballpark.

With women I’ve got oral down to where I like to give her half a dozen or more orgasms if she’s game. I feel like I need to over compensate but I also love having my partner cum. Some women aren’t multiorgasmic from clitoral stimulation so then it’s a matter of seeing what else she’s into-gspot, anal, fornix, cervix, urethra-whatever she likes simulated. You have to be creative with toys. And there’s the romantic/psychological side of sex to attend to, which can make mediocre sex into great sex. There are strap on’s if we want to penetrate (her or me, haha). If I had a regular size wang I would probably be ignorant about pleasing women.

Yeah, I do want a bigger dick but it’s more for me than my sex life. I like my dick. We’ve made a lot of good memories together. For several reasons I’m going to get a surgery at some point.

5.

My family and a few close friends know that I am depressed. But nobody knows the reason why. The truth is that I pretty much gave up on life because I have a small penis. I know that it sounds absurd. And I know that there are many people out there worse off than me, with terrible illnesses and disabilities etc. But I just can’t shake these feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing.

I was bullied in high school after some guys saw how under endowed I was in the locker room. It took me a long time to try dating after that because I was so insecure about my size. And my worst fears were realized when the first women I was about to have sex with rejected me because I was too small for her. I probably would of given up on dating for life then, but a couple of years later a woman pursued me persistently, and I eventually gave in. But her first reaction to seeing my penis was laughter. It has been many years since, and I will never seek a romantic relationship again. I will die a virgin.

6.

I’m 28, single and have been feeling insecure about the size of my penis since I hit puberty.

Since my teenage years I avoided dating girls, and when I did I would make sure that they were abstaining from sex so that they wouldn’t see my shame. I eventually did have sex with girls in my university years, but even then I felt completely insecure and sex was never fun for me even though my gf’s never said anything negative to me. I always thought they would snicker about my small penis behind my back. It doesn’t sound that serious but I was terrified of getting naked in front of women.

I would avoid playing team sports because I was afraid the other guys would mock me in the shower, and spread gossip to the girls I knew. I’m straight so I don’t know why I was so concerned what guys thought.

The worst part though was that I couldn’t look at my own penis without hating myself. I’m not a never nude or anything like that, but I would just avoid eye contact with my one-eyed monster. Even when I would have a wank I would just close my eyes, or focus on the porn on the screen.

I’m 28 now and haven’t had a relationship with a woman since I was 22 because of the anxiety and insecurity caused by my small wang. I wasted a lot of time doing stupid penis exercises that did nothing but make insignificant gains, and give me carpel tunnel. I wasted a lot of money on things like pumps and other devices but those didn’t do anything to ease my mind.

After all of these years wasted I think I’ve had some kind of epiphany and now I feel much better about myself. Cutting down on porn probably has to do with it. I can’t really explain the sudden change but I feel like now I enjoy looking at my own dong now. I kind of feel like I need to apologize to junior for neglecting him all of these years. My next step is to find a girlfriend but that’s another story.

7.

I have a small dick. It kills me inside and I don’t know how to fix it. It makes me sad. I’ve gotten a ton of handy j’s in my time but apparently so one has noticed, which I seriously doubt. Its not very thick as well, although I don’t really know what thick is.

I cringe for the day I finally fuck or get a blowjob. I don’t know how they would go due to my size and sometimes I think I should just stick to wacking it for the rest of my life.

8.

I have a small penis and it really is that bad to have one but what really gets me annoyed is when I read people (particularly women) say stuff like “size doesn’t matter” “it’s how you use it” “we don’t care” and that annoys me because it invalidates my feelings over the issue and they don’t know what it’s like it to go through this. Now, I’m not on some anti-woman crusade at all I just need to set some things straight.

Firstly, it affects me in a non sexual way. I have to sit down when I take a piss because I’ll end up dribbling piss all over myself if I don’t. That’s highly embarrassing. Have you seen a men’s toilet at a bar or a club or any kinds of public venue? They are severe bioterrorism zones! It’s impossible for me to relieve myself in these situations. I can only wear dark pants so if I do piss on myself at least you can’t see it, you can probably smell it unfortunately. So size does matter there.

Now when it comes to sex of course it matters! I can’t even perform basic positions because my dick isn’t big enough. Something as simple as doggystyle is not possible for me. So the whole “it’s how you use it” isn’t relatable at all. Then in pretty much any other position it pops out so no amount of rhythm can be built up and sexual pleasure on her end doesn’t exist. It’s not manly to have a thumb tack for a sexual organ.

What annoys me is this failure for women to attempt to understand what it’s like being inadequate as a man, what it’s like to be a so called man but not even being a man. “We don’t care stop talking about it” I don’t care that you don’t care because I care! I’m the one who has to live with it! I’m the one who can never be comfortable. I’m the one who can never jump over the mental hurdle of being an inferior male. It doesn’t matter how many times you say “size doesn’t matter” I’m the one who sees it in a mirror and realise that size matters. So stop getting angry at us guys who worry about it without even attempting to understand it. I’m not a man because my dick is the size of a thumb so don’t piss in my pocket and tell me it’s raining with the size doesn’t matter stuff please.

9.

I became aware of my small penis around age 11. My sister had pulled away my towel while walking back from the shower. Her friends were there and saw my junk. They were relentless. For years that’s all I heard when they were over. I became bitter. I even hated the idea of sex because it would make me vulnerable. I started to fight a lot because I needed to assert my dominance because of how emasculated I felt. Know that annoying guy that will correct you if you say one thing wrong? That’s me. Asserting my knowledge so you think I have more worth. Or so I thought. Turns out it just makes me look like an asshole. It’s no wonder I have no friends at all. I avoided asking out any girl I found attractive. And when I had my first relationship I let it interfere with that. She put up with my insecurity like a champ for 3 years, but I never believed her. I thought I couldn’t please her. And when we did have sex, all i could think about was how disappointing it must be for her. She loved sex and I started to hate it because of my stupid mindset. We broke up and now it’s my biggest regret.

Ads like Extenze don’t help either. Or smiling fucking bob. Fuck you bob. Every time I turn on the TV I’m bombarded with the fact that women don’t want a guy with a small penis and it makes me feel worthless. Beyond worthless. Plus my best friend and all of his girlfriends constantly talk about his junk. Like I want to know that.

I’m so fucking resentful and scared all the time because of it.

The bright side is it’s because of my weight. Fat guys have a layer of fat around the base of their dick that covers the bottom of the shaft. So my dick might actually be 6 or 7 inches hard, but because of the fat I top out at about 4. I’m on my way to losing it and god dammit I cant wait to not be afraid. I want to have sex. Real sex. Passionate sex where I don’t have to worry about pleasing her because I know I can do it. And I want to be able to actually wear a condom. Because of how short my dick is, it slips off after a few “thrusts”. That’s in quotes because how can you thrust something in that’s only 4 inches long? More like poking.

That was way longer than I expected it to be. But I’ve never told a single person how bad my insecurity is. Sure my ex kind of knew, but not to this extent. I loathe myself. I love my personality, most of the time I’m quirky and silly, and I have fun. I love my mind. I like to consider myself smart. But it still doesn’t make up for the thing I desire most. I really need to lose this weight.

10.

My penis size does bother me quite alot and I think about it almost daily. I haven’t considered talking to a professional or joining a support group as I’m too shy to talk about it. TC mark

37 Men Reveal The Creepiest, Cringiest Thing A Woman Has Ever Done To Win His Love

Posted: 17 Aug 2016 08:00 PM PDT

Alf Santos
Alf Santos

1. She murdered her dog to impress me

Went out with a girl for about a month and one day we were at a friend’s house playing a fucked up game of “would you rather.” A guy who I’m not that close with asks the girl I’m with, “Would you rather kill your boyfriend or your dog? You HAVE to choose one.” She answers with, “I’m sorry, but I’d probably kill you, haha.”

We all had a bit of a laugh then we went home later on. Two hours later she sends me a picture on snapchat of her dog with a knife through its neck and text reading, “I was kidding earlier, love ya.” I rang her to ask if she seriously killed her dog, she got kinda pissed and said she expected me to be happy. I cut her off and called the police straight away. Haven’t heard about her since (8 months ago?) and wish to keep it that way.

2. She sent me videos of her cutting herself

Okay we had broken up, but she made a YouTube video of old footage of us spliced together with footage of her cutting herself (which was something she did and I tried to help her not do but you know… I can only do so much) and licking the blood off the razor blade. This was all set to music, though I forget what song.

I dunno if that’s how she dealt with the breakup or if she was trying to get me back or what but… That totally happened. The video disappeared or became private shortly after.

3. She offered to drink my blood

The first night I was hooking up with this beautiful girl, she wanted to prove how dirty she could be. I had told her that I liked to try interesting things in bed, and she said “Yeah well, I’m up for anything. See this scar?” Points to her left clavicle. “That’s where I cut myself so my last boyfriend could drink my blood.” But… She was still super hot so I pretended that was totally normal.

4. She took pictures of herself skinning a mouse

Friend of mine got some kind of pen pal from Norway once. During a snow-storm in Winter, she got bored and started to Snapchat him. The only problem was that the snapchats were just the progression of her skinning a mouse she found. Each photo would be the mouse with less skin on. The whole time she thought she was being cute.

5. She carved my initials into her skin

I had a girlfriend when I was young who carved a heart with my first initial inside it into the flesh of her hip.

6. She actually broke into my apartment

A girl broke into my parents’ apartment (where I lived at the time) and slept in my bed. I didn’t come home that night as I crashed at a friend’s house, and I was pretty surprised when my mom called me in the morning, asking who she was…. To this day i still don’t know how she managed to get into the apartment.

7. I heard a psychotic chick talking to herself (about me)

I’m on the train. This girl behind me is having the most boring phone conversation I’ve ever heard. Some guy she thinks is cute or something.

I keep listening though, mostly because she’s too loud to block out… And things get weird. The guy she’s describing sounds pretty physically identical to me.

So I turn around, and this girl says “oh. He’s looking at me now. I wonder what he’ll do. I wonder if he likes me.”

She also DOESN’T HAVE A FUCKING PHONE.

Yeah, I got off at the next stop and put a whole train between me and that weirdo.

8. A complete stranger pretended to be my girlfriend

Never met her, I was bored looking through the Instagram Explore tab and noticed a photo of me.

She wrote that I was her boyfriend and there were 3 photos where she must of been sitting near me and took a selfie with me next/near to her.

After that I stopped wearing earphones and started paying attention. I spotted the chick looking at me so I said that I found her Instagram photos and she went red and just screamed. (This was in a library)

The end.

9. She broke into my house to watch me sleep

My ex broke up with me. Then, when she regretted it, she tried to convince me to come back together with her. One of her many selling points was that, if we didn’t became a couple again, she would sleep with all my friends. I warned my friends about it, and they avoided sticking their dicks in crazy. She took that as a sign that I still cared for her, so after getting high and drunk, she broke into my apartment to watch me sleep. Luckily I lock my door at night. I found her the next morning passed out in the hallway. She left crying and we haven’t spoken since.

10. She stalked me and physically abused me

She learned my class schedule. Would wait for me before and after class, if I was sitting in a chair she’d sit on my lap and wouldn’t get off till someone yelled. She’d grab my hand if I was walking and try to keep me from pulling away. It got bad.

She started to punch me, claiming it was in a joking matter but I’ve been in fist fights with softer blows than that. She then showed me the cuts in her stomach from her nails, she said she’d dig her nails in when she was upset about me.

I ended up reporting her self harm to the school, i did mention how she followed me around and touched me even tho repeatedly told that it needs to stop. They had a professor of psychology talk to her, apparently she walked around campus for a month screaming about me (stop taking classes at that time because of how bad it had gotten). She was just trying to have friends and a boyfriend but went about it in a bad way, so I felt a little bad.

I ended up getting a “fake” girlfriend, a good friend would hold my hand and sit with me whenever she was around, even went as far as talking about our sex life to make the girl uncomfortable and leave. She tried following my fake girlfriend and I once but fake girlfriend ain’t about that life and made sure it didn’t happen by making the stalker leave first, and then immediately going the opposite way and driving around randomly till we were certain she wasn’t behind us.

11. She snooped through my entire bathroom and then bragged about it

I went on a date with a girl that I’d been chatting with on the internet. We traded pics and everything seemed fine, so we agreed to lunch and take it from there. During lunch she was incredibly giggly, like everything either of us said had a hidden double meaning or something. It was…okay at first, but got old after awhile. After lunch I wasn’t really feeling it and was going to end it, but she suggested we head back to my place. Admittedly she was good looking enough for me to go there so I agreed.

Once at my apartment she needed to use the bathroom. She was in there for about 20 minutes so I figured, y’know, poopin’. Whatever. When she came out she had this huge smile on her face. We started talking and she remarked that she noticed I used the same shampoo as her. Then she said that we also use same soap, toothpaste, and several other toiletries. I realized that she had spent a lot of that time in the bathroom going through my shower, medicine cabinet, and under-the-sink storage. That really creeped me out.

12. She lied about cutting herself to make me talk to her

A girl I dated used to call me and tell me she was cutting herself, from time to time. I was trying to be a good boyfriend and talk her out of it and tell her not to.

She told me later that she wasn’t REALLY cutting herself, she just liked hearing me be concerned for her. It made her feel wanted and desired.

One one hand, that’s just very sad. On the other hand that’s very creepy.

13. She gave me her used tampon and teeth as a gift

When I was 29 I met a gal who was 20 who was smitten with me. She was very sweet and a friend of a friend who said she was sheltered but liked me a LOT. So she has this major crush on me but can’t ask me out, so this mutual friend asks for her.

So I do. We go out a few times. She’s very attractive but painfully shy and I actually enjoy her company.

Well at some point, and I still don’t know exactly how this happened but this is my best theory, my friend and I were talking about foot fetishes (he has one, I do not). That part is what I know that I heard about later. My next guess is that this gal (who had overheard this conversation and brief remark about foot fetishes) then looked up “fetish” on the Internet and didn’t connect it with “foot” and didn’t know what ANY of it was. Fetishes. And somehow got the idea that it’s about things. Well anyway you’ll get what I mean when I continue.

So anyway one day she presents me with a box. Giftwrapped. I opened it and inside were small jars, with screw cap tops dipped in wax to keep the airtight I guess.

One small jar had two wisdom teeth she’d had removed. One jar had a lock of her hair. A third jar had a used tampon in it.

No, she wasn’t crazy, and apparently she asked our friend about my sexual fetishes and he put the idea in her head that “things associated with her” or her body would make a nice “gift.” (He apparently didn’t mean gift like ‘thing’ but gift as in gift of ones’ self?)

HERE’S THE THING. He later explained he NEVER MEANT to make me out to like this stuff and never told her to give me specific items. And as for her, SHE confessed that when he talked to her, she thought that he was being really filthy dirty but being incredibly VAGUE to be polite. So HE claimed he never said “give him your tampon” and SHE said “the way he explained all of it I thought he was just too polite to say it.” She had cooked all of it up in her mind — teeth, hair, tampon.

I reacted TOTALLY with a straight face and didn’t judge AT ALL because she was so painfully awkward. No she wasn’t an Asperger’s or something but apparently she was homeschooled and VERY willing to be sexually overboard and willing to do anything. Hence the boxed items really weren’t a big deal to her while she assembled them.

No we didn’t break up because of that though we did start a sexual relationship. SHE wanted to try all sorts of stuff that kinda surprised me but given the whole ‘box of delights’ i should have seen it coming. Blood stuff, pee stuff. I cannot overemphasize that she was a VERY sweet girl, just a fulminating mess of confused heterosexuality in a 20 year old body.

14. I was roofied by a cougar

I honestly got roofied by a woman twice my age. She was not attractive and literally fucked everyone. I knew a couple of guys who got the clap from here. She kept hitting on me and I walked away a minute. I FUCKING LEFT MY BEER BY HER AND DIDN’T THINK ABOUT IT. Half way through it I don’t feel right. I mean serious buzz has kicked in.
The problem is you feel buzzed at first then you are just dumb as shit. I stopped drinking at this point but got talked into getting in a different vehicle with people I knew. Didn’t realize she got in too. Get to bar number 2 and I just want to sleep.

Nope. Had to get out of the vehicle. Fuck. Tried to hide from her(I know it had to look comical. Called a friend but did it over face book. I even have his phone number. He comes and saves my ass and drags me back to the town I’m from and started in. Not along drive but when he picked me up I couldn’t hardly talk. By the time we got back to my home town I could talk fine. We sat a minute and then I left. Head felt weird the next day and I had a sour stomach but I got away.

15. She tried to live life just like I did

Chick broke into my college dorm, went in the bathroom, draped my towel around her, put my shaving cream all over her face and started using my razor

She said she wanted to know what it felt like like to me as I was getting ready in the morning.

16. She hid in the backseat of my car like she wanted to rob me

Hid in the backseat of my car, wanting to surprise me when I got off of work. She was aiming for “cute and quirky.” I thought I was being robbed. Scared the absolute shit out of me. She COULD NOT understand how I didn’t find it hilarious. I was officially, in her eyes, branded “no fun,” and we broke up pretty soon thereafter.

17. She did a “tongue based experiment” on my mouth

I met a girl at the bar I usually go to, she seemed to be really into me and we have a lot of the same interests so we talked for most of the evening. Found out she is 6 years older than me which didn’t bother me much considering how cool she seemed, thought that her added experience might teach me some new interesting things, boy did it. After the bar closed (2am) We went to her place and luckily her roommate was away for the holidays. Fast forward a bit and things are starting to get heated as we are making out and almost naked on the couch. Straddling me she tells me to “relax my mouth”, confused I comply with her request. She starts to what I can best describe as perform a tongue based examination of my mouth. Not in a weird make out kind of way, more as sticking her tongue between my lips and teeth, both the teeth in front and to the back while doing a kissing motion with her lips every so often. I give it a few minutes of trying to figure out what she is trying to do while kissing her back which she then told me not to do and just to relax. I could endure about a minute of sitting with my mouth open while she tongue-explore-kissed me before it got too weird for me, the whole time I felt like a mother bird feeding its children with food in its mouth. I started moving for her to get off, lit a smoke and asked her what that was. “Oh its just something I like to do, I find it to be very intimate”, intimate is not the world I would use to describe that event. I finished half of my smoke, got up and told her I gotta go while already heading for the door. I have not responded to any of her calls/messages.

18. She tried to bribe me to date her

Back in high school, I was dating this super insecure girl. When I started to realize that things weren’t going to work out, I started to distance myself and eventually break up. Once she figured out what I was doing, she tried to bribe me. Literally came to school with a fat wad of cash and tried to get me to keep dating her. Stupid high school me thought that was beneath his dignity and firmly rebuffed her.

Now that I’m in college, I am more than willing to whore myself out to her.

19. She faked a pregnancy and stole a car for me

I had a girlfriend tell me her grandmother died and left her a huge inheritance. My family and I had been so awesome to her, that she bought me a freakin’ brand new car. Was rocking the heck out of it until she started getting sketchy about the details of the deed and registration. Turns out, she was a certified pathological liar. She took a car on a test drive and just never brought it back. Believe it or not, she’s done worse. She also faked sonograms to convince me she was pregnant, and it turns out those hour long trips to the ATM to get cash were actually appointments she made hooking on Craigslist. Oh, and she faked her mother’s death so she could manipulate her way into moving in with me. Sadly, I have more to go, but not sure if anyone will even read this. All the above is certified, 100% true.

20. She took the train, just to stare at me

This girl who had a crush on me in high school took the same train home as me for a few months. I saw her every once in a while, but we never really talked.

I found out the year that I graduated from a friend of hers that she didn’t even live near me, or off of the train line I took. She would take the train, the get off and take a bus to get home, when it would’ve been easier for her to take the line that dropped closer to home. Her friend said that she made it to be like she did it so we could hang out, when we never spoke a word, except for maybe a, “Hi.”

21. She begged me to date her

In public, this girl got on her knees and asked (begged) to be my GF.

22. She sent me videos of her touching her tampons

Sent me a snapchat of her freshly used tampon in video form where she sniffs and licks it. “Thinking of you” was the caption.

23. A girl taped pictures of babies to my door to prove we were meant to be

Third year of undergrad, living in a coed dorm. Down the hall was a room of freshmen girls, all kind of nice in a cloying sort of way, and heavily religious – not my thing, though I’ve got nothing against it.

One of the girls had parents who lived near mine, and she caught a ride home with me for Thanksgiving. We made bland small talk for the two-hour ride, just to pass the time. Dropped her off at her folks’ place, and didn’t think twice about it.

Two weeks later, back at school, I came home from class to find… pictures of babies taped up all over my door. Like, a few dozen, all clipped out of magazines. Courtesy of the girl.

I just kind of stared at it blankly for a moment, and feeling majorly creeped out and having no idea what to make of it, I peeled them all off and threw them away.

Three days later… same thing. This was the girl’s way of hitting on me. Because somehow, in her mind, that trip home proved that we were meant for each other, and this was her idea for provoking some subconscious parenting instinct, prompting us to get religiously married and have lots of babies together.

I threw them away again. She never mentioned it and never talked to me again. And that was OK by me.

24. She said those three little words way too early

Said, “I love you” not 1 hour after asking her out. We hadn’t even gone on the date yet!

25. A drunken stranger stuck a finger up my ass

I was waiting to order a drink at a bar in Tallahassee when I felt something go up my ass. I turn around fist raised and it was a VERY drunk FSU girl with her finger up my ass. I was wearing basketball shorts and admittedly shouldn’t have been commando at the time, so she really got up there. When I lowered my fist and yelled, “What the fuck?!” she started rapping “guilty conscience” by Eminem. She rapped pretty flawlessly for anout a minute before I finally took in the whole situation and decided to walk away. No part of that story is false. Floridians are just the weirdest fucking people on the planet.

26. She sent a card full of her own pubic hair

My brother was seeing some loopy broad. She sent him a Valentine’s Day card… full of her pubic hair.

27. She choked herself on a webcam

Tried choking on all kinds of fruits on webcam thinking it would turn me on, she even puked one time but she just continued. Most awkward thing I’ve ever experienced.

28. She carved my initials in her leg

She carved my initials in her leg… before I met her.

29. A female customer would loudly admire my ass

I don’t think it was meant to be romantic, it was just plain creepy. I work retail at a hardware store, this lady is a regular customer. These days I’ve gotten pretty good at avoiding her when she comes in but for a while it was difficult. Keep in mind, there is probably a 40 or 50 year age difference. She will always ask me to get things off the bottom shelf, repeatedly changing her mind, just so she can stare at my ass. That wasn’t the creepy part though.

What makes it creepy is the ridiculous sigh of satisfaction she would let out every time I bent over. Like full breath in through the nose followed up with a serious lip licking/smacking and a long “Aaaahhhhh” that sent a shiver down my spine. The kind of heavy sigh of satisfaction that you let out with your first sip of coffee in the morning or when you flop onto your bed after a long day. The first time it happened I finally understood what women mean when they say they hate being treated like a piece of meat. I felt kind of violated.

30. She sent me a picture of her asshole

I didn’t know this girl very well, but we were in math class together sophomore year in high school. She got my number through Facebook I guess and one day I woke up to a picture of her butthole. Not an ass pic or anything actually sexy, just a close up picture of her poop chute. I did not act on this.

31. A girl hid condoms in my personal items so I would sleep with her

A girl used to hide condoms in my jacket for a few months. The condoms started out cheap, like the free kind you get from the Great American Condom Campaign, but they got progressively nicer and nicer. When I found a lambskin condom in my water bottle I finally decided enough was enough and confronted her about it. It was all very strange.

32. Her mother helped her stalk me

One day after work I decided to x-mas shopping for my mom. As I was leaving work I got a phone call from this girl. She asked me what I was doing and I said I was going to Walmart to buy my mom a x-mas gift. She asked me if she could come with me. I said no I am not near your house. She immanently said “why do you always lie to me?” I asked her what she was talking about and she said to look in my rear view mirror. I looked and there she was in the passenger seat next to her mom driving right behind me. I hung up, pulled in to the parking lot, and ran for the doors. Unfortunately there was a empty spot right next to mine. So her mom pulled up right next to me. I went inside the store and waited there for about a hour. I bought my mom a present and walked back to my car. Her mom was still sitting here and started yelling at me asking why didn’t I love her daughter. Her daughter was clearly still in the car but the seat was laid all the way back and she wasn’t looking at me. I just said to leave me alone got in my car and started driving home. That wasn’t even the start of things. Before this happened she invited me over to her house for Thanksgiving dinner. I showed up she brought me inside locked the door behind me and started asking me why I didn’t love her daughter. There was no turkey, or any food, just one crazy mom trying to get someone to love her crazy daughter.

33. She finger painted with her own blood

Finger paint a heart on the wall, with her period blood.

34. She broke my furniture while trying to take nudes

She had her adult son take some nude photos of her, with messages written on her in cake frosting and whipped cream. And breaking some of my furniture by standing on it to get good angles. BTW, they were not good angles, and nothing turns me on like needing to repair my furniture because someone I hadn’t yet met was in my bedroom standing on things that were obviously not made to support more than 20 lbs.

35. She gave me her mother’s stolen wedding ring

When I was in elementary school, I had a girl who had a huge crush on me. She thought we were destined to be together, so she stole her mother’s wedding ring and taped it into a card that confessed her love to me.

Granted, it was elementary school, but I will never forget it.

36. She sent me her dirty underwear

Well, I had an ex once that sent me used, dirty panties in the mail because she thought she was being sexy. I was like EWW NO WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS. Although, I should have expected it from the girl who drove 17 hours straight to try and murder/castrate me after we broke up.

37. My best friend’s girlfriend confessed her love for me

My buddy’s girlfriend showed up at my front door drunk and ready to bang. She professed her love for me and had built up this secret relationship between the two of us in her head. Like, we had our song and stuff like that. She said that the only reason that she was still with him was so that she could see me. I was pretty creeped out.

I was polite, but told her that I wasn’t interested in anyway. I made sure that she got home safe and then called my friend to tell him what happened. When he confronted her, she said that we had slept together that night. He called me on speakerphone in front of her and asked what happened. I told him the same story I told him the night before. He broke up with her right there and threw her out of his house.

She emailed me about 6 months later to tell me that she missed me. I did not respond. TC mark

50 Of The Funniest Sex Memes Of All Time

Posted: 17 Aug 2016 07:00 PM PDT

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The Difference Was I Still Liked You In The Morning

Posted: 17 Aug 2016 06:30 PM PDT

Look Catalog
Look Catalog

We both might have been drunk. Maybe you said a thing or two we didn't mean. Maybe there was a string of words we didn't really quite remember. But what I do remember saying was with complete raw honesty and a pinch of liquid courage was that I did like. I still like you. And somehow we ended up back together again late at night as I ran my fingers down your arm.

"There's something about you it's always gonna keep me coming back for more."

It wasn't just the sex. It was you. It was a feeling of complete security and comfort just having you near me. It was trusting you enough to tell you everything. So I did.

And you kissed me and complimented me and told me I was beautiful.

I don't say things to be nice. I don't tell you what you want to hear. I don't lie to you drunk to gain anything. I'm uncomfortably honest with people without ever expecting anything in return because I believe you deserve to hear you mean the world to someone. You deserve to hear you're handsome. You deserve to know that the moment you walk in a room somebody does notice. And I said all those things and I meant it. You ran your fingers through my hair like you have before calling me baby.

But then we woke up.

Everything about us is like a dream I didn't want to wake up from.

I was reminded that kisses weren't contracts and I shouldn't believe what a guy says in bed because he'll tell you anything.

Or at least you will tell me anything.

But the difference between you and I was when we each sobered up my heart didn't change.

It was still yours to take as you wanted. But you didn't want it.

And you got up and tip toed out kissing my forehead goodbye. No one would know and our secret would always be safe with me. But it wasn't fair to me to have all these feelings left over while you just forgot everything you said. Because I remembered it.

As we part ways and cross paths and pretend this isn't something I hold onto your words praying that deep down there might be truth to it. We exchange a look that tells secrets if only anyone knew and we know where we're gonna end up later.

You can hit on girls in front of me but I'll never do the same because my heart wants what it wants and it's always been you.

I don't want to be made to feel bad about wanting you sober.

You mean a lot to me and I know you know that. We'll probably continue running in these circles as we do best but one day I hope it'll stop.

One day I hope you wake and don't want me to leave. One day I hope we'll each want to stay.

Because I didn't just want you on some drunk Saturday night I wanted you Sunday morning too. TC mark

Here’s The Perfect Career For You, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Posted: 17 Aug 2016 06:00 PM PDT

Look Catalog
Look Catalog

So, you are finished with University and may even have taken a gap year to travel and see the world to gain a deeper perspective into life. Perhaps you already have a career but feel unfulfilled and need a change. School and University hardly prepare you for the real world. With most of the syllabus being taught in theory – just how do you know exactly what you want? Well, being born under a certain Sun sign certainly directs your future. How so? You may ask. Read on…

Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

You adore challenge. You thrive in a testosterone driven environment. You love being in charge. You want to be a pioneer of some sort and will rise to the challenge. You need work that also affects you physically in a positive way. Great careers lie in the military, personal training, business management and professional sports. Other professions that may interest you are engineering or a career based in electronics, psychiatry or even dentistry.

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

You love using your hands. You have a magic green thumb and are great with plants. Your future lies in agriculture, landscape gardening and design, the food industry and real estate. You also have a knack with dealing with money and would make a fantastic accountant. A career as a singer would also suit you well. You are highly sensual and erotic and love any industry related to beauty.

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

You are the Queen, or King, of communication. You have to be in a career where you are socializing on a daily basis. You need mental stimulation and challenge and would suit any position in sales, marketing, network marketing, advertising or even being a fashion buyer or designer. You are great with words and would also make a great writer and would suit the world of fashion media.

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

You are a nurturer. You will not be happy in any career unless it is helping and caring for others. You will make a fantastic kindergarten teacher, nurse or even caterer. You are really good with money and can help others with their business by dealing with finance. You would also make a great psychologist. Alternative medicine and natural healing professions suit you as well – as long as you are caring for others. You would also make a great chef. You love being near water and a career in marine biology and conservation would also be of great interest.

Leo

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

You are loud and proud and demand to be in the spotlight. A creative career where you shine is of the utmost importance. The theatre, acting or singing is definitely for you. You also need a career where you are in charge and the boss – nobody tells the King, or Queen of the jungle what to do. You will also make a great hairdresser or any job where children are involved. You need to have a lot of fun in your career.

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

You have a knack for perfectionism and are the first to spot if something is out of place. You help others organise and perfect their craft. You make amazing administrative positions and personal secretaries but your talent lies greatly in the medical and health field. You also are focused on the body and personal training suits you well. You will never be in a job surrounded by dirt as hygiene is a huge priority. You are the ultimate perfectionist.

Libra

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

Life is all about balance and so are you. You question everything and a career in law suits you best. You also focus on beauty and would make an excellent model, interior decorator, make-up artist, marriage counsellor or wedding planner. You would also make a wonderful artist, art history teacher or art museum curator. You need to be surrounded in beauty.

Scorpio

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

The most intense sign you are a very passionate person and never go unnoticed. A career in military would suit you as well as martial arts instructor. A graphic illustrator would suit you well as well as a career dealing with other people's money. You would also make a fantastic grief counsellor as you understand death and often are naturally psychic and make an excellent alternative healer. You hold positions of power very well and understand the world's needs. You would make a great politician and even a career in gynecology would interest you.

Sagittarius

(November 23rd to December 21st)

Your future lies in a few avenues. Education is a big one. You will make a fantastic teacher as well as philosopher – a degree in philosophy will suit you well and you will find immense enjoyment from it. The media industry is huge with you as is publication and you are very talented with words. You would make a fantastic editor, journalist or author. Your career also lies in the sky – literally. You will make a fantastic pilot or air hostess and will love travelling to foreign lands. A career in teaching foreign languages will suit you well as well as translator.

Capricorn

(December 22nd to January 20th)

You are the authoritative sign. You absolutely have to be in charge. Positions suit you well as long as you are the one on top. Administrative positions suit you so well as you are exceptionally organised and make a fantastic personal assistant – a personal assistant who is in charge of scheduling all appointments. You belong in business, on top in a managerial position if not CEO. You also make good careers as a judge, as a principal – anywhere where you are in charge. You will also do well in any government position – banking, finance and estate management all suit you well. Medically speaking, osteopathy, which is a branch of medical practice that emphasizes the treatment of medical disorders through the manipulation and massage of the bones, joints, and muscles, would interest you as well as the dental professional and dermatology. Being a "self-made" businessman or woman is often your goal. People feel your presence and the key to your popularity and success is to lead and not dictate.

Aquarius

(January 21st to February 18th)

Your future often lies in the IT world. Computers, electrical engineering, radiography – anything to do with science suits you exceptionally well. You are super-intelligent and make a difference in this world with your eccentricities. You would also make a great astronaut or astrologer – the universe fascinates you. You rise to the top of your career easily and are often very popular amongst others.

Pisces

(February 19th to March 20th)

You are the dreamer of the zodiac. A career in the arts will suit you well. You make a fantastic actor as well as musician. Dance also suits you well. You have a vivid imagination and storytelling suits you exceptionally well as you would make a fantastic author. You would make a fantastic kindergarten teacher and fashion designer. The world of fantasy is where your mind is. TC mark

To My Fellow Millennials, Please Stop Fucking Asking Me To ‘Fund’ You

Posted: 17 Aug 2016 05:15 PM PDT

addie2354
addie2354

My computer broke today.

In the middle of editing my Macbook Air which I work off of remotely for a ridiculous amount of hours per week, holds hundreds of thousands of words to projects (of both mine and other’s), and is essentially my lifeline decided to play of fun game of “let’s act like the ‘shift’ key is always being held!!” It won’t reboot into safe mode, it won’t reset, and I can’t login because of case sensitivity.

OMG awesome! 

So, after a pretty unproductive chat session with an Apple Care representative named Jessica (not her fault, it’s my Air’s hardware I’m pretty sure) I’ve made an appointment to go to the Genius Bar tomorrow and will most likely drop a couple hundred bucks to fix my laptop, because that’s what I have to do.

You know what I didn’t do when my computer decided to make everything I said LOOK LIKE THIS?

I didn’t log onto Facebook, put up a post about how I need this to ~*follow my dreams*~ and ask my fellow millennials to support me on GoFundMe, Patreon, or (even worse imo) Paypal directly so I didn’t have to pay for my shit my damn self.

Crowdsourcing has become, if you ask me, an incredibly gross epidemic. What was initially something reserved for cases of medical emergency, tragedy, or other “this is me supporting my loved one who is going through a really difficult time” has become a way for 20-somethings to ask for “even just a dollar!!” while they work on projects that are arguably not going to make them any income. In just the last six months I’ve seen people ask for college tuition money, rent, “tip money” for their blog, and (my personal favorite) essentially just “yay you!” money while yet another 20-something writes another book about what it’s like to have casual sex.

Hey. No shade on writing a book about sex. I’ve got a book of my own that touches on the topic. (Insert shameless plug to buy my books here.

But yes shade, ABSOLUTELY shade for having the audacity to ask your fellow millennials for their hard earned money just so you can type away about banging so-and-so in your apartment on a Wednesday night instead of actually getting a job.

See, when I was writing my books, I was working two jobs. I was babysitting on the side for money. I was selling clothes I no longer wear to consignment stores for extra cash to cushion my savings. I was paying for things like computers and Ubers and rent and cellphones and drinks on dates and whatever I needed to live because that’s what adults do.

I wasn’t clogging up my fellow digital generation’s newsfeed with yet another “it’s only $1!!” posts about how that only a $1 will make my dreams come true.

Because the real, honest to God, only way your dreams are going to come true?

If you make them fucking come true yourself.

I understand that life is expensive, I do. But at the core of it the only thing I can think when I see another person asking for money for something they should be paying for themselves is that they simply don’t respect other people. You don’t! If the only thing on your mind is, “Man, I hope I can raise $14,000 to get a cosmetology or massage school or photography certificate with no debt!” you are not harboring any respect for your fellow millennials, who were ALSO thrown into a shitty job market with student loans, credit card debt, and absurdly high rent in metropolitan areas.

If you crowdsource for something you yourself should be funding, you lack a lot of self-awareness and you’re fucking selfish. 

Now, of course there is an inherent difference between someone saying, “Yo Facebook, pay my rent?” and established creators with followings and other sources of income including fan participation into that world of making money. That to me, is no different that creating merchandise. But if the only good, the only “merch” you have to offer someone is a “warm feeling” they’ll get from donating or an update about how typing away in a coffee shop instead of working at one is going? I’m sorry but you’re the worst. 

All this misuse of crowdsourcing and digital panhandling is doing is giving millennials a worse reputation than we already have. It’s reinforcing the lazy stereotype, the entitled stereotype, and the stereotype that we believe we can do anything because our parents put us on a pillow surrounded by participation trophies and told us we were just the ~*most most special*~ little princess in the world.

SO. To my fellow millennials:

Stop asking me, or anyone else, for our goddamn money.

Go outside, get a job, and make stuff happen for yourself. Build a career you are proud of and you can honestly say you made without charity or a pity dollar that someone only tossed your way because your selfie attached to a page on a free crowdsourcing site saying, “Help me make my dreams come true!!” made them uncomfortable. Work hard, fail some, cry often, and then pick yourself up and keep going.

I guarantee, FULLY guarantee, that you will be way more satisfied, more proud of yourself, and be taken far more seriously if you do it the “old-fashioned” way.

Or you know, just ignore me.

I’ll just make a mental note to block your annoying ass when I get my computer (that I paid for myself tysm) back from being fixed. TC mark

When You Fall In Love By Accident

Posted: 17 Aug 2016 05:00 PM PDT

Credit Thought Catalog Instagram (www.instagram.com/thoughtcatalog/)
Credit Thought Catalog Instagram (www.instagram.com/thoughtcatalog/)

You know he’s all wrong for you. Heck, he lives in Europe for Pete’s sake! Somehow this little sucker made his way into your heart and now you’re fucked. You’re both fucked. You both know that it won’t work out. You both know that he’ll never move to New York and that you’ll never, ever move to Italy.

His life is there, yours is here. Home is home no matter how much you feel someone.

You  made the grave mistake of getting lost in his eyes that night. Getting lost  in that greenish-blue that has forever ruined eyes for you. No one else will ever have eyes that beautiful.

He messed up by getting too close to you and touching your hair, touching your skin, memorizing your laugh. He’ll never forget your laugh.

You let yourself be enchanted by his story. A story so fantastic it seems untrue, but because you know him, you know it’s all true. You’ll never meet anyone this cool. You’ll never get the chance to be with someone this talented.

He likes your simplicity. You’re just like he imagined an American girl would be like. Sweet and charming. Happy at bar, but happier at a stoop with a six-pack and a bag of chips. He’ll draw you when you’re asleep and then crumble it up and put it in the trash, he won’t want you to see it, but you will cause you’re a snoop. He’ll do this  a lot back home. He’s looked at you so closely that he can now do it from memory and even when his sketch book is in his backpack and he’s too lazy to take it out, he’ll draw you in his mind.

You’ll both talk about the what ifs and dream about  flights from JFK to BLQ being really cheap so that “we could at least spend weekends together”.  This, of course, will never happen.

You’re a writer and he’ll become one of your main characters at some point. What you feel for him is so real that you’ll want to immortalize him. He’ll do the same for you in subtle ways. His paintings will have little reminders of you.  Little tokens of your time together splashed about in the sneakiest of ways.

You fell in love by accident and he may just be the one that got away. We all have that one, we will always be in love with that one a little. TC mark

10 Reasons The Best Relationship Of Your Life Will Be With A Girl Who Likes To ‘Fix’ People

Posted: 17 Aug 2016 04:15 PM PDT

 armisan
armisan

1. She doesn't give up easily. A girl who likes to fix people, doesn't stop trying and she will not quit you if she loves you. She doesn't give up on people because they erred in some way and you’re no exception.

2. She sees the best in you. She always looks beyond the superficialities, she looks for depth and meaning in you and your life and she will always see the best in you and your true potential even if you can't see it yourself.

3. She will never stop trying to fix herself too. She's not only interested in fixing others, she knows that she's still a work in progress too, and she will always try to be better than who she was yesterday and fix her own problems first.

4. She doesn't lose hope. No matter how many people tell her that she can't fix people, that people can only fix themselves — she knows that everyone needs help sometimes, even if they don’t admit it, and she will not let anyone discourage her from trying to help someone who is broken.

5. She will heal your brokenness. Because she knows what it feels like to be broken, she will do everything she could to try to heal your broken heart. She's a fixer because she was once broken and she knows what to do to fix someone's heart.

6. She's not afraid of your dark side. This is her territory, this is when she gets to work and this is what she loves the most. The dark and twisted sides, the sides of pain and heartbreak and the sides that you wish to hide from the world. She likes your dark side — she sees the light in it.

7. She likes your imperfections. In fact, she will love you even more for your imperfections. She will tell you how your imperfections make you who you are and how they make you stronger and more beautiful. She will make your flaws look flawless.

8. She's forgiving. She knows that forgiveness is strength and she knows that people always come around, she chooses to see people for their hearts not their actions and she will forgive you most of the time, even if you're not sorry.

9. She doesn't see you as a project. Contrary to what people think, she will not leave you after she fixes you, she doesn't see you as another case in her book. She tries to fix you because she loves you, because she wants you to the best person you could be, she wants to see you happy and she doesn't want you to keep living with your brokenness. She loves you enough to let you fix her too.

10. She also wants to fix the world. A girl who likes to fix people wants to be able to fix as many people as possible. Her vision is not only limited to your relationship, she wants to help the world somehow — her kindness, determination and generosity will inspire be to do the same. TC mark

The Difference Between Just Loving Someone And Being Madly In Love

Posted: 17 Aug 2016 04:00 PM PDT

Natalie Allen
Natalie Allen

Being in love and loving someone are entirely different things. Sometimes the two can get so confused from one another, that you don’t really know where you stand anymore or where your significant other stands.

I’ve been in love once. And this is what I know.

I know that loving someone is appreciating their humor and liking the way they smile at you. Loving someone is liking the way it feels to be close to them, and feeling giddy when they kiss you. Loving someone is wanting to spend time with them as much as you can. Loving someone is missing them when they are gone.

I know that loving someone can hurt if they leave. It will make you cry at the drop of a hat when someone mentions their name. I know that when you love someone who decides they don’t want you in their life anymore, it is incredibly painful.

But being madly in love, being truly in love, is a whole different story.

I know that being in love feels like a high that will never end. It feels like you are walking on clouds, and stardust.

Being in love is when you let them have their space when they need it. It is appreciating their flaws and imperfections. It is loving them through their mistakes and their failures. Being in love is calling them up at 1 am because you are having a panic attack and they are the only one who can stop it.

Being in love is compromise.

It’s hard. It’s two people fighting to have a chance. It’s wanting a future and seeing that future together when you are with them. It’s sacrifice and it’s distance and it’s fights.

But here is the main difference between these two types of love. Being in love is worth it. It’s worth the pain and the heartache and the arguments. It’s worth the hard times. Because if you are in love with someone, you’ll still think that they are the best person on this earth. And you’ll know that you still want to be with them even when you hit rough patches.

When you love someone, you can forget the tiny details about them that made you smile. But when you’re in love? You’ll never forget those tiny things about them that makes them beautiful. You’ll never be able to erase them from your mind. 

When you loved someone, you’ll be able to find a new great love. You’ll be able to let go of the past. But when you’re in love and it had to end, you won’t be able to ever fully let them go. And you don’t think you will ever find a love like that again.

Being in love is worth all the hard work. And it’s worth it, even if it ends.

Because it’s the only kind of magic that we have. And it’s the only kind of magic that we’ll ever need. TC mark

I’m Not Looking For My Other Half Because I’m Already Whole

Posted: 17 Aug 2016 03:15 PM PDT

@polina.chydes
@polina.chydes

Two of my good friends have got engaged in the last few days. One of my old coworkers is getting married in 9 days, a couple of my old teammates from college are getting married in the fall, one of my good friends in college got married last month and I'm still single.

I'm sitting on my couch alone, I'm going to coffee shops with my laptop, I'm planning solo backpacking trips and I'm finally at the time in my life when people are settling down. I'm at the point where people don't want to go out and get drunk anymore because they'd rather stay in and chill with their partner.

And in the midst of all that I realized there is no place I'd rather be.

Sometimes loneliness will come up and bite me on the ass, I have hard days where I feel alone and completely unlovable, but more than anything I completely love my life. I love being single and I love being happy about it.

My life feels whole, I feel complete and I don't feel like I'm missing a piece of me.

I feel satisfied on my own and I'm glad I'm not throwing myself into random relationships with people who I don't genuinely give a shit about because I'm lonely.

I embrace the lonely days, I let them hit me like a tornado. The feelings come through destroying a little piece of me making me feel like I'll never be okay again, but sure enough the storm passes just as quickly as it hit and I'm okay again.

Being happy on your own is such an empowering feeling; the feeling of being self sufficient and completely independent is amazing. I'm never looking for someone to help me make decisions, I'm not basing my decisions off of anyone else and everything I'm doing in life I'm doing for me.

And there is no better feeling than that, at least not to me.

As much as the loneliness sucks when it comes I'm happier this way. I love knowing I don't need anyone to make me happy because I can make myself happy. I love knowing that I am completely fine on my own. I love feeling empowered and being proud of the person I am. And I'm not sure I'd be ready to give that all up for a potential heartbreak.

The thing with fall for someone is that you're more likely going to get your heart broke and I don't mean to make that sound pessimistic, but realistically they're either going to break your heart or you'll get married. There really isn't much of a middle ground between love and pain.

I don't want to open up my heart right now, I don't want to allow someone the power to make me vulnerable and possibly destroy everything I've done to get where I am today because loving yourself isn’t that easy all the time. I don't want anyone to make me feel guilty or bad about myself or the decisions I've made because all the decisions I've made have got me where I am today and that's brought me happiness.

I can find my own fun, I can live out my dreams with no restrictions at all, I’ve found my own hobbies and interests, and honestly it’s amazing. It’s amazing to only live for myself, to only do things that make me happy.

I know by shutting my heart off I'm not getting any closer to finding love, but that's okay because honestly I'm not looking.

I'm happy on my own, I'm happy with myself and that's a pretty empowering feeling. TC mark