Thought Catalog

18 Girls On The Nickname They Wish Guys Used Instead of ‘Babe’

Posted: 22 Aug 2016 08:15 PM PDT


Sometimes all you have to do is ask a simple question and you will receive a very intricate answer that tells you what you wanted to know plus so much more. That's the case with women and what they wish guys called them instead of 'babe'. If we had the budget to hire Steve Harvey and the time to gather Thought Catalog readers to form two teams to play Family Feud, we'd be in for a treat.

The topic would be:


(Spoiler alert: I already did the research so I'll outline the Top 4 most popular responses the way it would've come up on Family Feud.)





Since Steve Harvey isn't involved and you're just stuck with me, I also found out what the 18 girls preferred to be called other than 'babe', as well as their feelings towards the nickname.


1. 'Tapatio', 'Tapa', 'Potato', 'Tappy Feet', 'Ciabatta' or 'Ixtapa'

I actually think couples that call each other 'babe' constantly are gross and unimaginative! My boyfriend and I have all kinds of absurd nicknames for each other, but those come from years of shared memories and jokes… This is totally silly but he calls me 'Tapatio' (like the hot sauce). Ever since we met. In fact, he introduced me to all his friends that way so now most of the people in our social circle refer to me (in a dead serious way) as 'Tapa'. And then came the riffs on 'Tapatio'… 'Potato', 'Tappy Feet', 'Ciabatta', 'Ixtapa'. These things just come from years of riffing on riffs.

– Stephanie V., 27

2. 'A Personalized Nickname'

I don't like 'babe'. I feel like it's general and not warm or intimate. Everybody uses it for different situations and it's overused. I'm into personalized nicknames.

– Keren T., 34

3. 'Nightmare of hair', 'Nightmare' or 'Limonchik'

The first time this one boyfriend called me 'babe', I stuck my tongue out and waved a 'hang loose' sign because I felt like we were living inside a surfer movie. At first it felt like a cliché. But then we started doing the whole routine and it became our own. My current partner calls me silly, specific things… Like 'nightmare of hair' (a reference to this beautiful, odd movie called Wizard People Dear Readers) or 'nightmare' for short. Or 'limonchik', Russian for 'little lemon'. Some people might get offended when they're called 'babe'. Then again, some might be offended by 'nightmare'… if they don't know the background, if it isn't their own.

– Kristina T., 25

4. 'Weird Nicknames'

My boyfriend and I use weird nicknames that make us laugh, feel unique and close to each other, but rarely do we call each other by our first names.

– Alicia S., 29

5. 'Babyschka'

Everyone calls everyone 'babe'. So, I smoothly integrated 'babyschka' into the name and now my boyfriend calls me that. It's basically 'babe' as Americans would say, but I infused a Russian flavor to make it sweeter. Then I saw my Russian friend who is dating an American guy and he calls her 'babyschka' too, so I was upset since I thought it was unique to me.

– Katya K., 32

6. 'Big D', 'D Money' or 'Disaster D'

'Babe' is a bit overused and unoriginal. I would prefer something funny rather than affectionate when we first started dating.

– Danielle H., 28

7. 'Beanscone'

It was an inside joke from a road trip and just stuck.

– Hannah E., 27


8. 'My Name'

I hate the name 'babe'. I think it's a cop out for guys to avoid calling you by your first name, especially when you first start dating and there may still be other girls in the picture. It's too generic for me. I'm not a fan of many pet names. I would much prefer being called my name. However, once I'm dating someone for a longer period of time I can look past 'babe'. It doesn't bother me as much. It definitely shouldn't be used in the first phase of dating someone though.

– Liz S., 22

9. 'Shortened Version of My Name'

I don't like anything too sugary or over the top, so I'm going to be boring and just say maybe a shortened version of my name or something with a private joke reference is always kind of cute.

– Julia M., 26

10. 'A Variation Of My Name'

I don't like 'babe'. It's cute, but not when you're trying to get to know someone. Call them by their own name or shorten their name. That's cute, too.

– Irma F., 46

11. 'My Last Name' or 'Jewdge'

My first boyfriend invented the name 'Jewdge' and my family members still call me that. And I dated this guy who called me by my last name.

– Julie S., 25

12. 'Call Me My Regular Name'

I don't like it. No nicknames. Call me my regular name.

– Jackie S., 27


13. 'Doll'

I think 'babe' is used a lot to get girls to shut up and end a fight, which is annoying.

– Alaina C., 27

14. 'Cutie' or 'Love'

I really like when my boyfriend calls me 'cutie'. Everyone calls each other 'babe' so that's sort of generic. It's much more endearing when he's like 'hey cutie' or 'hey love' rather than just the common 'hey babe'.

– Maria Z., 20

15. 'Love' or 'YO GIRLFRIEND'

I really like 'love' actually as a nickname. Tom calls me that. I adore getting texts that say, 'Hi Love, how’s your day?' When we were dating, I saw a guy scream at his girlfriend, 'YO GIRLFRIEND WAIT UP!' I burst out laughing, so Tom started saying it to be funny… and then it kind of stuck for a few years. So, I would do it back to him. I actually called him 'boyfriend' in front of a few of my running teammates and literally whenever he would come cheer us on at races they would never say his name, they’d all go, 'Hi Boyfriend.'

– Sammie N., 27

16. 'Baby', 'Honey' or 'A Special Nickname'

I don't mind 'babe', but I definitely prefer other terms of endearment such as 'baby', 'honey', or a special nickname my significant other has made up for me. Something about 'babe' rubs me the wrong way. It's a bit more short than sweet. 'Babe' seems more of an adjective like 'she's a babe' instead of a term used specifically for me. Also, it's a pig in the city. What girl is into THAT?

– Lee Lee E., 27


17. 'Anything But Babe'

It's creepy when guys start calling me 'babe' very early on. Like if I had a sleepover with someone and boom they call me 'babe' in the morning, that's creepy.

– Erin B., 38

18. 'Not Babe'

I think it’s off-putting when guys say 'babe' to women they are not dating. Whether intentional or not, it can have a belittling effect, especially if you don’t know each other well enough.

– Annie S., 23


I've also discovered that when it comes to calling girls 'babe' there are certain guidelines in place. If you've been dating the girl for a year or more, you can probably get away with using 'babe' as a term of endearment and there will be meaning behind it since you are comfortable with each other and your relationship. If you're casually dating, you really better think twice before you call her 'babe' for the first time since there's no going back after that and her reaction may not be quite what you're expecting. And if you don't know a girl well (or at all), you shouldn't call her 'babe' under any circumstances unless you want a dirty look, physical harm, or a drink in your face. TC mark

Here Are Five Ways To Capture The Attention (And The Heart) Of A ‘Cool Girl’

Posted: 22 Aug 2016 08:00 PM PDT

That Awkward Moment
That Awkward Moment

Ever heard a girl referred to as "the Cool girl" by guys in awe? The girl who seems to have endless dates on a Saturday night but never seems to do anything to attract men, yet they always seem to seek her out? Let me define the Cool girl for you. A cool girl is a woman who knows her worth and doesn't seek validation from anyone to be who she is. She pursues her goals and lives her life in a manner that makes her happy and it attracts men like flies. She is the girl who will not make a deal out of everything little thing, however if there is something worth discussing she will discuss it with her partner so her feelings can be known. She is the epitome of what most women wish they could be.
Here are 5 ways to capture the "elusive" cool girl and make her yours.

1. Know and accept that she has a life away from you and the relationship.

Cool girls are women who are in charge of their own lives and often march to the beat of their own drum. They neither depend on, nor crave a man to complete them. She will simply want him to compliment her already full and exciting life.

A cool girl knows she is the Crème de la Crème of the dating food chain when it comes to dating world. She will neither diminish nor lower her worth to obtain the attention of a man. She is confident despite any vulnerability she may have. She is expressive and speaks her mind with respect and courtesy to all and sundry.

Cool girls are often the girls at the party that every guy wants to know what it is about her due to her mysterious allure. Cool girls have no problem pursuing their own dreams, goals, hobbies and desires in order to live a live that will fulfill their purpose.

Girls like these NEVER drop their own lives to please or sustain a relationship. A Cool Girl will NEVER cancel a month planned date with her friends just because a suitor calls last minute. Her time is valuable and therefore she will be on top of it. You want her time? Book it.

Bring your own 100% to the relationship and watch her eyes light up at the thought of spending time with you.

2. There is often a demand for her hand.

Yup, it's true. She doesn't even have to be beautiful or Ivy-League. Men often stalk this girl to LOCK IT DOWN!!! This is the type of girl that attracts men everywhere she goes, even if she doesn't speak. Men can sense her confidence and their wisdom will tell them there is just something different about this girl even though he may not be able to define it.

What can you do to beat the competition? Be a chivalrous gentleman, treat her with care and respect, communicate expressly and listen to her and show her that you are worth the chance of having her heart. Date her and show her another side of you. Bring you're A-Game; otherwise you just might be beaten by someone who decided she's simply worth the effort and they can't let her pass him by.

3. Be an Alpha Male.

Women like men who are men. Not all men are Alpha males; however cool girls are attracted to men who know how to lead their own lives and are not afraid to be dominant. Not in a controlling matter but someone who knows how to take charge. That means being the boss of your own life. A man who is not afraid to be expressive but also leads. Discover new ways how to romance her and make her feel special. Make sure she feels adored and cared for. Pursue her and make her a part of your dream. Show her that you are the man for her.

4. She will often take a reasonable amount of space.

A cool girl will often take space to recharge just a man would, to regroup and refocus her priorities. She also has hobbies that she pursues which may or may not include you. Space for her is maybe a night with no phone calls while she thinks about her next venture.

She will not be clingy and upset if a day passes and you do not call or text her. (I know! Incredible right?) She is comfortable in the fact that you like her, she likes you and there is no need for unnecessary drama. She will give you all the time in the world for your boys, your projects and whatever you need space for while busy with her own projects. When you do spend time with her, it will be special and she will take that time to reconnect with you.

5. Be confident.

Be confident in who you are. Yes you may have doubts, insecurities and flaws, who doesn't? But never change who you are for anyone. Just be you and watch what happens.

She will find your confidence sexy, and you may have to end up fighting to keep your clothes on because you being you has activated the tigress in her. TC mark

14 Life Lessons Only The Happiest 20-Somethings Have Learned And Mastered

Posted: 22 Aug 2016 07:00 PM PDT

Angelina Litvin
Angelina Litvin

1. Prioritize your life, people and goals.
It is important to know who and what is important in your life. At every phase of life, your priorities will and should change. But every now and then- sit back, relax and think what are you doing and who are the people you really need in your life. It is important and necessary to cut off the drama. You don't need to put up with something/someone if it does you no good.

2. Learn to say no.
Say no. A simple two letter word. Can you lend me some money? No, I can't. You want to go out for a coffee? No, I don't. Give reasons if you feel like. But learn to say No. That two letter word would let others know that you have an opinion and most importantly a mind of your own.

3. Learn more than just academics.
Have a hobby, learn about a new topic, new country, new culture or maybe zoology. Any random thing which has got nothing to do with your degree or work. You will be surprised how it changes your personality.

4. It is okay to have handful of friends.
When you are happy or when you are low, you neither would need tons of people to hug and celebrate or to hug and cry. Handful of those you can call your own is all you need. Most of the people who you call as friends would be waiting to see you fall and fail. Be wise and cut off these 'friends' from your life. It is easier to stay alone than deal with people whose intentions you are unaware of.

5. Explore the world, look beyond what you see.
Go abroad to get a higher degree/certificate course, go for a short stay, or just go to learn about a different culture. You will always be short of money. Save up. Set a goal and save up. Once you reach the goal, pack your bags and explore. The world is the best place to learn life's biggest lessons.

6. It is okay to fail.
It is okay to fail. It's okay to not have things go your way. Life is not fair at times and no one said it will. Get your shit together and move on.

7. It's okay to not get what you deserve.
Sometimes, you will feel that you didn't get what you expect to and deserve to. That's okay, too. People say you will have something better and bigger coming your way. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. What matters is you don't give up. If it is meant to be, it will.

8. And it is totally okay when you see someone less deserving get what you deserve.
It hurts. And it pains to see someone less deserving get what you should. But who decides that someone deserves less anyway? Maybe they do, maybe they don't. Even if they don't, its fine. It is out of your control and you can't change it. Let go.

9. Be easy on yourself.
Leave the 'judging you' part for others to do, please. Love yourself. Nurture that beautiful mind and body. Give yourself everything you can. Pamper yourself. Feel like eating an ice-cream, go eat that giant scoop. Feel like buying that expensive dress for a change-splurge. Do what you want and feel like. Make yourself your no. 1 priority.

10. Life goes on.
Every turn that life takes -for good or bad – just remember: life goes on. Nothing is permanent. And most importantly, tell yourself-it is all going to be alright. Be kind to yourself.

11. Don't be guilty for the choices you made.
You made choices in your life. Be glad that YOU made a choice. Was it good? Or was it bad? Walked away from a relationship that others thought you should have stayed in? It's okay, you made a decision, respect it. Trust yourself that you did what was right. Right for yourself, right for those who matter and right for the situation.

12. Create memories.
You never know how much time you would spend with your loved ones. Technology has made communication easier. But people travel, change jobs, move places and you lose physical contact. Make memories with your family and friends. Leave your phone behind-go for a quiet dinner, a music concert or just talk. Create something to remember each other. It is magical.

13. Say, 'I love you' more often. Especially to the people who deserve it.
Say I love you and mean it. Say it to people who really matter. Say it to your parents. Give them a hug and tell them what they mean to you.

14. Know it is never too late.
It is never too late to start something new or afresh. Each day is a new day offering thousand great opportunities. Embrace life and enjoy. Again-be easy on yourself. Life is beautiful if you see it as one. TC mark

If You’re Doing These 7 Things In Relationships, It’s No Wonder That You’re Still Single

Posted: 22 Aug 2016 06:00 PM PDT

Kalen Emsley
Kalen Emsley

1. Coming on too strong.
When you meet someone new and there is a connection it can so thrilling. The excitement of receiving wanted attention from someone can be so addictive that one person can start to come on too strong. This can be detrimental to creating a stable foundation for a relationship, especially if you are skipping steps and jumping too far ahead of yourself. Excitement is good; it is one of the greatest feelings to indulge in. Just make sure that you are both on the same page and moving at the same pace.

2. Acting too needy or clingy.
Having the need for constant contact can be a huge turnoff. Relying on another person for 100% of your happiness well inevitably leave you disappointed. You have to make time with yourself, your friends and family, and your personal interests. Your happiness cannot be entirely dependent on one person. An equal balance will leave you fulfilled in all aspects of your life.

3. Jumping into relationships for the sake of being in a relationship.
We all know the "relationship type." The ones that are always in a relationship, then single for about 12 hours and then suddenly their social media account has updated you with their new significant other. These people are always in a relationship and tend to convince themselves and everyone around them that this one is "The One." As I mentioned, time with you is important. In fact, being single allows you to fully embrace yourself and figure out what you like and what you want to do. Don’t be afraid to be alone. When you are not in a relationship, take advantage of the opportunity you have to learn as much as you can about you.

"You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company."
― Diane Von Furstenberg

4. Cyber stalking.
The age of technology has really made it harder for us to ignore irrelevant information about a person. Today we look back at pictures of ex's or obsess over whether your better half is in contact with other females. Intense jealousy is toxic and will prevent any shot of your relationship going any further. A lot of women know that but it is not always followed. Don't obsess over his past, everyone has a past and relationships that came before you; let this stay in the past. Don't consume yourself with what he's doing now, if he isn't being true it'll come out. Don't be the one that is creating a problem where there isn't one.

5. Lies.
Lies will always come back to bite you in the ass. The timing varies between people and quality of the lie, but things always have a way of coming out. Lying to the person you are in a relationship or lying to yourself will eventually hurt you. If you've cheated, there is most likely a reason you cheated. It doesn't necessarily make you a bad person, but it does mean that you owe it to yourself and the person you are with to be upfront and honest so both parties are able to make a real decision going forward. If you are lying about the way you feel, it will catch up to you to the point you will no longer be able to hold it in. Once released you may be worse off rather than you would have been had you expressed your true feelings from the start.

6. Wanting or thinking about someone else.
If you are still hooked on someone you have ended things with let me remind you that it ended for a reason. It doesn't make it any easier, it totally sucks, but it is the truth. Don't fight your true feelings but rather allow yourself enough time to wholly move on from this person. The more you try and fight it, the longer it will take to you to completely get over that person. If you jump into a new relationship hoping that it will cure you of your heartbreak it will only multiply this emotion. You will not only end up hurting yourself, but also hurting the person you have started a relationship with. You are not able to give yourself fully when you are still attached to someone else. It is not fair for one half of the relationship to be entirely committed, while the other person is partial.

7. Not loving yourself.
It just doesn't work. You can't love someone else until you love yourself. This can't come from happiness from another person, but with happiness that starts inside of you and is fully about you. You are unique and there is no one else out there like you. Be you and when that special person comes along, you won't have to change a thing. TC mark

Here’s Why You’re Allowed To Get Lost (And Why It’s Actually Good For You)

Posted: 22 Aug 2016 05:45 PM PDT

Julian Bialowas
Julian Bialowas

You’re allowed to get lost. I promise. 

We are told to follow maps, to look at our compasses, and to always look ahead. We are constantly told to double check directions and to keep walking in a straight line.

But, what if we are tired of the straight lines?

What if we are tired of mapping out our entire lives, piece by piece, and corner by corner? What if we want to stop looking down at our feet, being petrified of falling? What if we don’t want to follow the rules anymore?

So why don’t we do it? Why don’t we get lost for the first time in our lives? Let’s put down our maps and our lists and our tools. Let’s put down our plan B’s and our five year goals. And let’s lose ourselves in what freedom finally feels like.

Let’s travel down dirt roads that lead to meadows and fences that open our eyes to new opportunities. Let’s travel down alley ways and winding roads that lead us to new cafes, new people and to new destinations.

Let’s travel down the unexpected pathways.

Let’s ditch our ideas of what we should be doing, and just do what we want to do for once. Let’s move to a new city. Let’s move to a new country. Let’s make an entirely new career for ourselves. Let’s get rid of negative people in our lives. Let’s finally tell that one person who got away, that we still love them. Let’s rid ourselves of our fears and our anxieties.

It’s time to do what we have always wanted to do. It’s time to do what scares us and what puts us out of our comfort zones. It’s time to truly find our destiny, whether it’s on a dirt road, or on the seaside shore. We’ve got to find where we belong whether it’s in a city full of skyscrapers, or a country side that lets us roam free.

It’s ok to get lost. It’s good to get lost.

Because, when we get lost we truly find ourselves. When we get lost we truly figure out how we fit into this big world. Getting lost isn’t the end at all. No, getting lost is just the beginning. TC mark

50 Cute Nicknames For Guys They’ll Secretly Adore

Posted: 22 Aug 2016 05:00 PM PDT


1. Pancake.

2. Boo.

3. Prince.

4. Foxy.

5. Captain.

6. Handsome.

7. Beautiful.

8. Irresistible.

9. Honey.

10. Dumpling.

11. Sexy.

12. Stud.

13. Angel.

14. Lover.

15. Bug.

16. Chief.

17. Darling.

18. Best friend.

19. Gorgeous.

20. Beloved.

21. Pumpkin.

22. Stud muffin.

23. Rockstar.

24. My guy.

25. Sugar.

26. Amore.

27. Big guy.

28. Boss.

29. Cowboy.

30. Bear.

31. Cuddle bear.

32. Big bear.

33. Sexy bear.

34. Good lookin’.

35. Monkey.

36. Sunshine.

37. Candy face.

38. Prince Charming.

39. My love.

40. Hercules.

41. Loverboy.

42. Cuddle bear.

43. Doll face.

44. Killer.

45. Guapo.

46. Puppy face.

47. Magic man.

48. Mr. Wonderful.

49. Muscle man.

50. Hero. TC mark

Why You Need To Stop Hanging Onto People Who Let You Go A Long Time Ago

Posted: 22 Aug 2016 04:00 PM PDT


We keep thinking that one day they will change their minds. We keep thinking that they will one day, come running back to us, and we would accept them with open arms. We keeping thinking that they haven’t let us go yet, even when they have.

We have this daydream in our heads that one day they will send us a message, telling us they still want us. We have this dream we never stop dreaming about eventually getting back together with this person.

But, it’s just a daydream. And we need to get our heads out of the clouds.

We need to let these people go. We need to stop hanging onto them. It’s unhealthy for us, and probably a nuisance for them.

I know, it’s incredibly hard to let go of the past. It’s incredibly hard to let go of people who you once loved and adored. Especially if you thought that they were going to be there for you forever.

I’m not telling you to forget. You can never forget them. And their memories will stay with you forever.

But instead of holding onto thoughts of them coming back to you, hold onto the memories. Hold onto the good parts. Hold onto the beautiful memories. Remember their laugh. Remember their smile. Remember how you felt to be with them. Remember the way they looked at you. Remember being happy.

Don’t hold onto the heartache.

Don’t hold onto when they left. Don’t hold onto the image of them turning the doorknob. And don’t hold onto the way you felt when you watched them go.

It’s time to let go of the people who walked out on you. It’s time to let go of that heaviness you carry in your heart. Let them go and don’t turn your head back. Let them go and stop wishing that they are going to show up tomorrow morning.

Because, they aren’t going to. They already have let you go. They already have said goodbye. They already have moved on.

So, do yourself a favor. Let that weight down. Stop carrying them around on your shoulders. Let your heart heal. Let the image of them fade into the distance. Remember the good parts. But know that better things are come. Better people will come.

But, you need to let the past stay in the past. And you need to start looking forward to tomorrow, instead of dreaming of yesterday. TC mark

Dear Gabby Douglas, You Deserve Better Than This

Posted: 22 Aug 2016 03:30 PM PDT


I'm not a Simone Biles; I'm a Gabby Douglas.

This may seem like a pretty inane statement to make because I'm nothing like either of them — I have never nor will ever be an elite, gold-medal winning gymnast (or any sort of gymnast or gold medalist for that matter). I'm not remotely athletic and I have no concept of the work, talent and perseverance it must take to become an Olympic anything. But I love watching the sport and like many others, I eagerly look forward to the Women's Artistic Gymnastics at the Olympics because it's the closest thing to witnessing magic.

I remember watching the US Olympic qualifications in 2012 and being awestruck because I've never seen a girl that looks like me do the things she could do. Even though we were miles apart both literally and figuratively, something about her spirit spoke to mine. Gabby wasn't perfect but she was a fighter. You held her breath through her routines, with all your fingers and toes crossed, praying that she does what you know she's capable of. As was oft pointed out, she wasn't the most beautiful or graceful gymnast we've ever seen and yet, she still managed to pull out the win, which to me is testament to the fire and grit within her.

Simone Biles is superhuman — she was clearly born to do this and if she can do any wrong, I don't think any of us have seen it yet (even with a "fall" on the beam she still copped a bronze). As Olympic gold medalist Nastia Liukin said, she is basically competing by herself at this stage.

I admire her and acknowledge that she is one of the most gifted athletes of our time but she isn't for me what Gabby Douglas is. Gabby is certainly top class and has an individual all-round gold medal to prove it but she didn't float through it in the way Simone did. She muscled her way through with equal parts talent and sheer determination. There is beauty in the struggle and I connect with Gabby's power of will and it resonates with me in a way Simone's flawlessness simply can't because that's never been my experience.

That's why Rio 2016 was so tough for me. It's clear that 2016 Gabby Douglas is not the same as 2012 Gabby Douglas but who could expect that of her? Aren't we all different people than we were four years ago? Nevertheless, she made the team and performed admirably, just missing out on her chance to defend her title in the all-round final; leaving Rio with the Team gold. But her time in Rio was like watching an episode of Project Runway — one day she was in, the next she was out.

The sweetheart of the London Olympics very quickly became this year's villain with a list of offenses which seem to increase by the day, including (but not limited to) a lack of patriotism, "saltiness" towards her teammates, ridiculous allegations of skin bleaching and complaints about her "edges". This girl has taken quite the beating and it has understandably taken a toll on her.

And the fact of the matter is she doesn't deserve it. I think as the social media generation; our criticisms are harsher and memories shorter. We are quick to scrutinize but slow to empathize and sometimes we need to check ourselves. None of us know what any of these athletes go through to be able to display their gifts on the world's largest stage and I'm sure it's an extremely emotional journey; a lot of which is now televised and then frozen in time, mostly in the form of memes, forever. We have to remember is that just like an Instagram post or Facebook status, it is only a very small snapshot of their lives and journey.

So Gabby, I see you. I haven't forgotten you or the feats you've accomplished and especially not the way you made me feel. Rio probably didn't go the way you would have liked but at times like this I frequently revert to one of my mom's favorite sayings — this too shall pass. TC mark

If You Want Love, You Have To Show Up For It

Posted: 22 Aug 2016 03:00 PM PDT

Vladimir Kudinov
Vladimir Kudinov

Breakups have always brought me down. They used to make me not want to leave my room for weeks. I used to stare at the ceiling, wondering why. Why love failed. Why it failed and why it hurt so bad. So I started wondering whether love wins or not. I got totally mental about it. Then, I realized I was just asking myself the wrong question. What if it does not exist at all?

It probably just does not exist.

Because love is just the word we use for making up excuses. We say that love was not enough. All the "I love you"s but…

But fuck off.

It does not depend on love. It is up to people. People are the ones who have to show up. Not love. Love will not appear to save your relationship somehow. It is the about the people who are strong enough to stick around while some other just leave.

What if it is not about love.

I guess it is hard to blame the people. It is hard to admit we did not fight enough, to admit we just give up at some point. It is hard to admit we were not ready or that the person we have liked so much was not the one. We are just some cowards who cannot really admit it is their fault. It is never about timing or location. Nor love.

It is our fault. It is our fault for fighting the other one instead of fighting against the wrong timing, the distance, the age difference.

We are the ones to blame. We are the ones who were not ready to step up for the other person. We were not willing to make efforts to stay together. We are the ones who take a step back. We are the ones who left. We are the ones who let someone down. We are the ones who were not brave nor interested enough. We are the ones begging for love when it was not enough when we should never beg for love. It comes from the heart, not out of obligation.

Because when you find the one, you know it. You can't stand the way they drive or the way they eat Thai food but you stay strong. You fight, yes, but then you worry about making it up. You leave, yes, but then you come back because you realize your life would not make any sense with the other people. You realize how irreplaceable some people are. Not any people. Just some very special people who were put on your way.

I am not telling you "find the one that…" because it does not work like that. You do not find people. They find you. They meet you on the day you look the worst because this is how it works. It is unexpected. You cannot expect to go out there and find them. So, do not even look for that person because it is pointless.

But… when you find them, because you will, make yourself a promise. Promise yourself you will not give up. Promise yourself you will make effort to make it work. Promise yourself you will do it because you deserve it. You deserve to have someone by your side who makes you braver, stronger and happier than ever before.

This is what I wish for you. TC mark

To My Beautiful Broken-Hearted Friend

Posted: 22 Aug 2016 02:00 PM PDT

Drew Wilson
Drew Wilson

Everything hurts right now, I know. That person who vowed to stick by you has let you down.

It hurts to breathe. It's hurts to remember. It hurts to think. It all hurts like hell.

You feel sick and lost. I know and I'm sorry.

I want to tell you something that may sound strange.

You, my beautiful friend, are not broken. Your heart, it is not broken. It’s bruised and it’s battered and it’s wounded like you didn't think possible, but it is not broken. It still beats. As long as your heart is beating you can and will survive this. You will heal. I promise you that.

Things will not be the same, you're right. But that is ok. It's not supposed to be the same. We are supposed to grow and change and learn and evolve and its not supposed to be easy.

This is the beginning of a journey that you have not chosen for yourself and that you have not prepared for. You have no map, but know this: you are safe.

There is no rush to replace your old plan with a new one. Take a moment to breathe. Take this opportunity to look at all the pieces of yourself spread out on the floor and reflect on how you'd like them to go together now. Don't rush it.

Take good care of all the pieces. You need to find love for yourself like never before. Dig deep, it is there.

You are multi-faceted. You are powerful and you are equipped. Your inner child, she needs care and assurance. Your inner critic, she needs acknowledgement and boundaries. Your inner warrior woman, she needs permission and freedom. Your innate feminine, she needs to be embraced, held and nurtured. You will learn so much about the different parts of yourself as they work together to guide you.

Listen – and I mean really listen – to what your heart, body and soul need from you in each moment. And give it, above all else.

You are going to be ok. It's hard to believe that, I know. You are still feeling blind and lost, stuck in a black hole that your limbs can't seem to climb out of.

But time is your friend. You will smile again. You will feel happiness deeper than before.

There will be love in your life. It may come from places you don't expect. You will be armed with so much wisdom on the other side of this, and because of it you will make decisions that serve you.

You will be ok my beautiful friend. Your heart will be whole again. Until then, and always after, I am here. TC mark