Thought Catalog

This Is Exactly How He Wants You To Fuck Him Tonight, Based On His Zodiac Sign

Posted: 24 Aug 2016 10:00 PM PDT

Raul Smith
Raul Smith

(March 21st to April 19th)
A guy who is an Aries is controlling, domineering, and wants to be in charge in life and in the bedroom. He knows exactly what he likes and is not shy at all about telling you exactly what to do. Playing into that role and being his little sex slave is the hottest thing he can absolutely imagine. Explore the daddy kink with him, crawl on the floor towards him, beg him to fuck you. He’ll eat it up — guaranteed.

(April 20th to May 21st)
A Taurus is a perfectionist and people pleaser at heart. They’re going to want to go slow and really savor the moment. Get on top of him so that you can control your own orgasm, grinding your hips in slow, methodical circles for your own pleasure – which is equally as hot for him. A Taurus guy gets turned on by seeing how turned on YOU are. Never forget that.

(May 22nd to June 21st)
Geminis have a touch of ADD to their personality, so creativity and new things are the spark a Gemini will crave. A Gemini is likely the very definition of a “try-sexual” aka: they’ll try anything once. Pull something totally new out of the box like outside sex, standing sex, blindfolds or butt plugs. If it’s new and exciting, it’s probably up your Gemini’s alley.

(June 22nd to July 22nd)
Cancers are the people who crave touch and making others feel good. So foreplay until you can foreplay no more. Make a challenge with him to see who can get the other to cum first using only your mouth. Your Cancer guy will be shivering with anticipation of not only what he can do to you, but what you’ll do back to him in turn.

(July 23rd to August 22nd)
Leo’s are have a touch of narcissism to their personality, and definitely like knowing that they’re being appreciated. A Leo wants to hear how good he feels inside you, how deep he’s going, how wet he’s making you when he spanks your ass. Dirty talk with your Leo will get him harder than he’s ever been…and make him ridiculously excited for round two.

(August 23rd to September 22nd)
A Virgo isn’t necessarily going to be into surprises or something shocking, but they still want to have a good time. Communication with a Virgo is key. Get on your knees, look him in the eyes, and ask him, “What do you want me to do to you?” Those eight little words will electrify him, and you’ll absolutely be climbing each other all night long.

(September 23rd to October 22nd)
A Libra is going to be all about the experience of sex, not just the orgasm. They want to taste you, feel you, hear you — every little thing about the connection between the two of you is just magic to them. Go slowly with him, make sure not an inch of his skin goes untouched or left alone. That kind of attention and sensuality will absolutely be a memory of his long after you’re done rocking each other’s worlds.

(October 23rd to November 22nd)
Satisfying a Scorpio when it comes to sex can be incredibly intimidating. Their sexual appetites are almost always unmatched. So let him take charge, let him call the shots. Tell him you want to make his wildest fantasy come true and then see where the night takes you. You will *not* be disappointed or bored — that’s for damn sure.

(November 23rd to December 21st)
A Sagittarius is incredibly adventurous, excitable, and down to try new things. Suggest something risky like hooking up in public or even just going out without panties on but only letting him know about your dirty little secret. He’ll get a rush of adrenaline from the thrill and it’s sure to make however you devour each other after that much more exciting for the both of you.

(December 22nd to January 20th)
Capricorns are so serious during their day to day life that sex is one of the few places they’ll often allow themselves to let loose. Let him have fun, be a little goofy, and be comfortable and casual with you. That sort of connection and relaxed atmosphere will not only bring you closer together, but absolutely make him want to stay awake past his bedtime to do it again.

(January 21st to February 18th)
An Aquarius wants to please you, wants to make you happy. Within your comfort levels, take charge. Be the boss. Tell him you’re going to sit on his face and he’s not allowed to stop until you say so. Let him make you scream. Hearing you take charge of your own orgasm will get him so excited he’ll barely be able to contain his own.

(February 19th to March 20th)
A Pisces thrives off of emotional connectivity and closeness. He’s absolutely into deep, passionate kissing, eye contact, an overall “making love” sort of sense around the entire act of sex, and wants for the two of you to get lost in each other. Check in with him often and tell him how good it feels to be with him. He’ll never forget that sort of sex, and then in turn, you. TC mark

Who You’re Most Likely To Murder, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Posted: 24 Aug 2016 08:45 PM PDT

Aries: March 21st – April 19th

You’d end up murdering a complete stranger during a fit of road rage. It wouldn’t be something you planned. It would just happen. One second, you’d be singing along to music in your car. The next second, you’d be out of your car with a baseball bat, beating the shit out of the asshole who just cut you off.

Taurus: April 20th – May 20th

You know how to hold a grudge, so you’d end up murdering your ex. You wouldn’t do it quickly, either. You’d mutilate their genitals first and then strut around in your finest outfit, so that they could see exactly what they were missing before they died.

Gemini: May 21st – June 20th

You’d kill one of your best friends. The type of friend that tells you she loves you one day and then talks shit about you the next day. On one of those bad days, an argument would get out of hand, you’d take a knife to their throat, and then you’d immediately end up regretting it.

Cancer: June 21st – July 22nd

If your partner pissed you off enough, you’d kill them. Of course, you’d make it look like a complete accident, and everyone would end up sending you gift baskets and tell you they were sorry for your loss.

Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd

You’d kill one of your crushes. The one who didn’t even give you a chance. It’s not fair for them to break your heart and get away with it. So you’d get your revenge. You’d make them see the error in their ways.

Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd

You’d murder your boss. One day, after years of forcing yourself to keep your mouth shut while they walked all over you, you’d realize you were sick and tired of putting up with their bullshit. And then you’d make your move.

Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd

You’d kill for a purpose. You’d go after some bigwig of a company that you thought was unethical in order to make a point. After all, if you’re going to spend a lifetime in jail, you might as well make your murder count.

Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st

You’d kill your neighbor. The one you always see screaming at his kid, even when he didn’t do anything wrong. The one who beats his wife and yells at your dog. You wouldn’t feel guilty about it, either.

Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st

You would murder someone who used to be a big part of your life. After trying to cut contact with them, and failing, you’d finish the job with whatever weapon you could find first. It would be your only way to get rid of them for good.

Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th

You would end up murdering that annoying coworker that never shuts the fuck up. Even though you usually grin and bear it when they go on and on and on, one day, they’d catch you when you were already in a bad mood, and you’d snap.

Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th

You’d kill a random stranger you picked out from a crowd while you were sitting on a park bench, and you’d do it for your art. After all, the best artists have gone through hell and back, right?

Pisces: February 19th – March 20th

You love your friends, and would do anything to protect them, so you’d kill anyone who was a threat to them. A burglar? A gang member? A rapist? You wouldn’t hesitate to take them down. TC mark

I Asked Each Personality Type To Open Up About Their Sexuality – Here’s What They Had To Say

Posted: 24 Aug 2016 08:00 PM PDT


We all experience sexuality a little differently. In a recent survey, I asked each Myers-Briggs personality to open up about their sexual orientation, preferences and experiences. I received an overwhelming number of thoughtful responses from each type, expanding on how their personality relates to their experience of sex and sexuality. Here’s what each type had to say.

Rationals: ENTP / INTP / ENTJ / INTJ
Artisans: ESTP / ISTP / ESFP / ISFP
Guardians: ESTJ / ISTJ / ESFJ / ISFJ
Idealists: ENFP / INFP / ENFJ / INFJ

The Unedited Truth About Why You Suck, Based On Your College Major

Posted: 24 Aug 2016 07:15 PM PDT



Philosophy majors were 90% dudes who were constantly quoting Nietzsche between bong rips, and then 10% random girls who would roll their eyes in class because they knew they were without question smarter than everyone. Philosophy majors are instinctually judgmental, and definitely mutter under their breath or talk shit about you in a group text with their other friends. They’re rolling their eyes at this right now as they read it, and saying that it’s automatically incorrect.


English majors care WAY too much about what other people think of them, and are constantly on the defense of their choice to get an utterly useless degree. They spend way too much time curating their coffee table books to back up the fact that they’re actually interesting, intelligent people, and will NEVER admit that their favorite movie is not in fact something like Magnolia and is actually Stepbrothers. They’re way too sensitive and need to stop worrying about what anyone thinks, take a nap, and chill out.


Communications majors only majored in Communications because they are incredibly indecisive and non-commital. They likely got to the end of their senior year and realized that ~oh shit~ they still hadn’t declared, and this was their only option to still graduate on time. Communications majors are all people who wish they were majoring in something else, but couldn’t figure out how to do it.


Without question the most annoying asshole you have ever met.


Biology majors are creepy AF. They frequently are the people who say things like, “I could get away with murder,” and, “Dexter is my spirit animal.” They definitely make weirdly long eye contact and probably would have to admit to watching you sleep.


Engineering majors are slightly socially inept, and don’t know how to properly deal with confrontation. They skirt around issues and pretend like they don’t really care about something when it actually horribly bothers them. They definitely whine too much, and have complained to their mom about how “no one understands them.”


A PoliSci major is constantly trying to reinforce how smart they are. They engage in “dialogues” when no one else was interested in participating in them, but are adamantly against seeing anyone else’s side. They’ve defended Trump because like, “He’s not THAT bad when you really break it down.” They’re definitely your least favorite person on Facebook.


An Economics major is without question a straight, cis, white dude who liiiiiiiives for mansplaining things. He brags about things like where he goes on vacation and how many interviews he landed straight out of college. He’s just kind of a dick and while he recognizes it, he isn’t interested in changing it.

Women’s and Gender Studies

Constantly. Is. Yelling. A W&GS major doesn’t understand the philosophy of catching more flies with honey. Everything is a big deal and they have approximately 10,000 feelings about it. They purposefully try to make other people uncomfortable, and then rub it in when they’re successful. They’re always angry and always tweeting about how angry they are. You will probably end up muting them after about 3 months.


Nursing majors are the overbearing, Jewish mother you never wanted. They are a walking Web MD who will automatically (even if it’s unintentionally) make you think that you are dying of cancer because you complain about having a sore throat. Plus side? Always has condoms.

Social Media

A social media major is the person at the party who just will not stop trying to make jokes and be the center of attention – even if they aren’t funny. They get offended when people

Creative Writing

They are totally handwriting “the next great American novel” in a moleskin featuring a tortured soul who is working out his “demons” by being sexually adventurous in Brooklyn. They are the worst person you’ve ever met. TC mark

50 PG Phrases To Whisper In Bed To Make Your Partner Swoon

Posted: 24 Aug 2016 07:00 PM PDT

Twenty20, SmitBruins
Twenty20, SmitBruins

1. I’ve been waiting all day to hold you in my arms like this.

2. Do you have any idea how much I love you?

3. I can’t believe someone as gorgeous as you is in bed with someone like me.

4. I can’t get over how beautiful your eyes are.

5. I don’t want to fall asleep, because every dream will feel like a nightmare compared to this.

6. Your heartbeat is my favorite sound.

7. Everything about you makes me smile.

8. I want to cuddle you like this every night for the rest of our lives.

9. You feel like home.

10. When I’m with you, all of my anxiety goes away.

11. Thank you for being my best friend.

12. You’re the best part of my everyday.

13. I can’t stop staring at you. You’re too beautiful.

14. This bed is much more comfortable when you’re in it with me.

15. Do you want me to sing you to sleep?

16. You’re absolutely gorgeous. Do you know that?

17. Even your snoring sounds adorable.

18. Come closer. I want to feel your skin against mine. 

19. Your lips are the best thing I’ve ever tasted.

20. Whenever I touch your skin, I feel like you’re touching my soul.

21. Your chest is cozier than any pillow.

22. I wish we’d met sooner, so we could’ve been doing this for years.

23. I want to kiss every inch of you.

24. Cuddling you is my favorite part of the day.

25. I can’t even count how many times you’ve crossed my mind today.

26. I don’t want to fall asleep, because once I wake up, I’ll have to leave this spot.

27. I’ve never felt this safe with another person before.

28. If I could be anywhere in the world right now, I’d still be right here.

29. Everything you do is adorable.

30. You have no idea how happy you make me every time you look at me.

31. Even when it’s silent, I have the best time with you.

32. There are so many things I want to do to your beautiful body.

33. You make me feel like I have a purpose.

34. I love how soft and smooth your skin is.

35. Before I met you, I didn’t realize happiness could be this intense.

36. There’s nothing I love more than your smile.

37. What would you do if I kissed you right now?

38. I don’t know how I got to be this lucky.

39. I think this is where we’re both meant to be.

40. I wish we could stay in bed like this forever.

41. Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?

42. I’m pretty sure you’re the best cuddler on the planet.

43. Every single inch of you is beautiful.

44. I still can’t believe I’m dating someone as flawless as you.

45. I think I like cuddling you even more than I like making love to you.

46. I never want to leave this bed.

47. I’m so tired, but I don’t want to stop talking to you.

48. Thank you for making me feel like I matter.

49. You’ve given me so much to look forward to in life.

50. I have to get to work, but I don’t want to leave your side. TC mark

20 Super Creepy Gifs You Shouldn’t Watch If You Want To Sleep Tonight

Posted: 24 Aug 2016 06:45 PM PDT

This Is What Attracts People To You, Based On Which State You Grew Up In

Posted: 24 Aug 2016 06:30 PM PDT



Whether or not you're actually from Chicago, people will assume you are, which isn't too bad. Since you're from the state with one of the coolest cities, you're automatically looked at with reverence. But what really attracts people to you is your go-getter mentality. Illinoisians are the prime example of the Midwest work ethic. People love your perseverance, strength, and of course, your Chitown pride.


You tend to be a little picky, you know, when it comes to apples, beer, music, outdoor venues, coffee, etc. but this is actually a good thing. You know what you like and you're not afraid to pursue it. Plus, you're used to rainy days, (and secretly like them) so you're good at seeing the glass half full.


You are the epitome of Midwest charm. You're the type of person who's always willing to help someone out, or just kick back and have a beer with them. You've listened to Jason Aldean's "Fly Over States" a million times, and even though you know your state might not be a vacation destination, you still love where you come from and that makes you totally attractive.


Minnesota nice? Yeah, that's a real thing. You're the type that's good to your neighbors, good to the earth, and good in general. Oh, and you can handle whatever life throws at you—brutal cold winters, hot summers—yep, youuuu betcha.


You are the kindest, friendliest person. What makes you attractive is your ability to treat everyone like family, and your appreciation of the simple things, like cheap beer, fresh corn, and a good sunset.

Rhode Island

You may be from a tiny state, but you have a big sense of self. Probably because you've spent half your life explaining to people that, No, Rhode Island is not an island. Yes, Rhode Island is its own state. You might be underestimated quite often, but you're still confident and self-assured as hell, which makes you totally attractive in your own right.


You're passionate about recycling, bike riding and not using an umbrella because you're not a wimp. Yep, you're pretty tough, which makes you attractive AF. You're also a nature kid, and love to get outside and get active whenever you can.


You're as laid back as they come. You're the type that's down for anything and no matter what, can bring a smile to someone's face. What's attractive about you is your ability to kick back, relax, and enjoy life without all the unnecessary drama.


Okay okay, so the biggest thing your state is known for is Vegas. Woo hoo party central, casinos, strippers, blah blah. Yeah, to the rest of the world you might look like a crazy party-goer, but truth is, there's more to you than the City of Sin. You're actually a cool person. But don't get me wrong, you totally know how to have a good time.


The most attractive thing about you is your sense of adventure. Sleeping in the wild, living in a cave, climbing mountains—no matter what, or where, you're game.


Contrary to popular belief, you like more than just potatoes. In fact, you're pretty well rounded and you love nature, too. Being outside is most definitely your thing, and when it comes down to it, you're one of the most selfless, giving people out there.


The most attractive thing about you is that you're super accepting. You're one of those people who, no matter what, doesn't judge anyone. You're easy to get along with and you're wayyyy chill, which makes you ideal BF/GF material.


Everything's bigger in TX, right? You're a big person—big heart, big attitude, big personality and that's what makes you super attractive. That, and you can rock cowboy boots like no other.


You have that adorable Southern drawl and positive personality. You like to take your time when you do things and you're totally laid back. And the most attractive thing about you is how easily you can bring a smile to someone else's face.


You're probably a damn good cook, or if not, then you just have excellent taste. You're a big fan of anything peach, or of a glass of sweet tea on a cold day. And you value your friends and family and are always putting them first—that's one of the best things about you.

North Dakota

You're very down to earth and don't get all hung up on the go go go of city folk. You know how to savor things, especially what's important, and you aren't afraid to just chill.

New York

You're probably the fastest walker in the history of the world. Need to get anywhere in the shortest, quickest, most efficient way? You've got it covered. You're a major go-getter/perfectionist, but your workaholic personality is what makes you so damn attractive.


The most attractive thing about you is how hard you work. You're the type of person who shows up and gets sh*t done. No BS.


You're from one of the friendliest states, and that's what makes you attractive. You put others first and you are always willing to lend a helping hand, even to people you don't know.

South Dakota

You're an eclectic person. You are a perfect mix of motorcycle-riding-badassery, combined with some mountain-climbing down-to-earthness. It's your mix of interests that makes you pretty cool.

Washington D.C.

You're definitely a go-getter. You've most likely been successful from a very young age and you probably have taken a picture with Obama at some point in your life. Basically you're one of a kind.


You're a good mix of southern courtesy and niceness, and you can get along with pretty much anyone. Your attitude is basically, If you don't bug me, I won't bug you, and it's kept you out of trouble and made you one of the easiest people to be around.


You're always down to have a good time. You may or may not have been raised on beer and can shotgun a can faster than pretty much anyone, but you're actually down to earth too. A perfect mix.


You are the ultimate southerner: easy going, patient, and sweet as that glass of sweet tea. The most attractive thing about you? You enjoy the simple life—being outside, having a cold drink, or sitting out and watching the sunset.


You are literally the toughest, most resilient person in the entire world. No matter what life throws at you—from adventures to hurricanes—you can handle it. And with a smile on your face.


You're particular about your BBQ and beer and have a ton of pride of where you're from. You're a hometown girl/guy and you'll always have roots at home. That bond is what makes you attractive. You're super close with your hometown friends and family and that's awesome.


You probably have some strong foundation of faith or religion, or if not, you just have passionate feelings towards whatever you believe. You're a big football watcher and deep-friend food advocate. Your laid-back attitude, yet fun personality is what makes you a real catch.


You have the best accent and you totally embrace it. You're a fan of lobstah and crab and any outside winter activity. You're probably a badass snowboarder, and you can pretty much handle whatever crazy weather your state gives ya.

New Hampshire

Not having liquor taxes in your state makes it a pretty dope place to live. You have a lot a pride in Manchester, in your mountains, and in your snow, and that homestate pride—definitely attractive.


You love beaches, crab, and your dope state flag. The most attractive thing about you? You love being outdoorsy—biking, camping, laying in the sun—whatever it is, as long as it's outside, you'll have a good time.


You're a super kind person, with a little bit of sass, especially when you're behind the wheel. You are an avid supporter of every Boston team and your pride and spirit are the best things about you.


No matter what part you're from, you still have some of that city girl/city boy charm in you. You may or may not be Amish, which is cool in its own right, but even if you're not, you're hardworking and good with your hands.


You're the king/queen of kickback house parties and tailgates. It doesn't take much other than ice cold beer, some friends, and a few good country songs for you to have a good time. You're easy to please and celebrate the little moments—that's what makes you, you.


You're a Wisconsoner, aka die-hard fan. You're the best person to have around on game day, or for any tailgate. Plus, you think cheese is its own food group, which makes you one of the best people to go out to eat with.


You were born and raised on the lake. You spent half your life wading in the water, skiing, or catching fish. The best thing about you? You're super low-maintenance. All it takes to put a smile on your face is some sand, some sunshine, and a scoop of ice cream.


Contrary to the KY stereotype, no, you aren't inbred. And you don't always sit out and play country music on your banjo and watch the sunset. You are totally country though. The most attractive thing about you? Your country charm. You have that adorable drawl, good personality, and the ability to rock anything. From boots and belts to hats and flannels, etc., you always look right out of the Wild West.


You may or may not own a Confederate flag and display it somewhere on your property, aka you're a total badass rebel. Or, you might be a die-hard Christian. Whatever you believe or follow, you're in it 100%. The most attractive thing about you? You're passion for what you agree with or believe in.


Contrary to popular belief, you're actually not a redneck. You're smart, love to eat, and think every Alabama food (MoonPies, RC Cola, BBQ) is bomb, well, because it probably is. Best thing about you? You're the epitome of that Southern Hospitality. Yessir.


You are about as calm and laid back as they come (except when you're on the highway, then you're a speed demon). You live in the sunshine state so the most attractive thing about you is your sunny personality. You can always look on the bright side of life.

South Carolina

You're kind and probably have a background in Christianity. You're the epitome of those WWJD bracelets, always putting your neighbor before yourself.

North Carolina

You love drinking out of mason jars or parading on the coastline. And your state has some of the most beautiful landscapes in the world. Most attractive thing about you? Your appreciation appreciation for nature, and how you have the ability to say, 'Bless your heart' to your enemy, rather than showing them the good ole middle finger.

West Virginia

You're the ultimate friend, super supportive and kind, even to strangers. And you're also pretty confident, since half your life you've had to explain that Yes, we are our own state. And, No, we aren't a part of Virginia.


Alright, alright, so you might be a little cocky. But that's because you live in a state that's rockin' it: money, education, and economy-wise. Sometimes you can be a little full of yourself, but it's that self-confidence that makes you so attractive.


You can swim, surf, and do the hula—that's enough said. But what makes you islanders attractive is your constant, happy-go-lucky attitude. No matter what time of day or night, you've got a big ole smile on your face.


Delaware is totally more of the suburb feel than the city, which means you live a quieter lifestyle. That being said, you know how to have a good time, especially when it comes to being outside. You're the adventurous type—down for zip-lining, canoeing, kayaking, hot air balloon riding, etc. Best thing about you? You're always down for an active, outdoors date.

New Mexico

You are the type that takes massive pride in your heritage, which is awesome. Your culture, your family, and your traditions are passed on and central in your life and that family connection is what makes you super attractive.


You have an appreciation for sunsets, mountains, and breathtaking sights. What makes you attractive is your ability to notice these beautiful things and take note of them. You're super reflective. Plus, you can handle heat like a champ.

New Jersey

You're loud and proud and not afraid to show it. It's that good mix of snobbiness, cockiness, and confidence that makes you enticing.


You may or may not have a slightly hippie side. You are environmentally friendly, patient, and you worship maple syrup. The best thing about you is your sense of self. You may be a small state, but you're a proud one.


You're a busybody. You like to get involved in people's business sometimes, but you always have the backs of the people you care about. You're slightly nosey, but it's the nosiness that stems from a person who genuinely cares about the well beings of others.


You're a little removed from the 'mainstream' life, which means you have a completely different way of exisiting. And you know that when someone claims to love nature, they have no idea until they've been to Alaska. You are calm, super into wildlife, and can think on the fly—that's what makes you attractive. TC mark

18 Insanely Creepy Two-Sentence Stories That Will Freak You The Hell Out

Posted: 24 Aug 2016 06:15 PM PDT

Alex Stoddard
Alex Stoddard

1. “I woke up expecting to spoon my wife for a bit before heading our separate ways, but she was gone—not just her body, but every single trace that she'd ever existed, online or in real life. To this day, when I mention her name, people look at me pityingly, as if I'm insane.”

2. “Her eyes were pitch black at birth and around age 10, she started staying up all night, drawing concentric circles all over her bedroom walls. She’s my child but I grew more and more frightened of what she'd do next and then it happened: She killed her younger brother, I'm sure of it, even though I have no evidence.”

3. “I want to be a decent person, I really do, but the voices make me do bad things and the only way to shut them up is to obey. I've groped countless innocent women, stolen hundreds of ashtrays, and attacked dozens of homeless people just to stay sane.”

4. “The claustrophobia was unbearable but I knew that if I screamed, they'd say I was overreacting like always so I braced myself instead—until I couldn't breathe. That's when I finally opened my eyes and saw that I was lying in a coffin.”

5. “She was perfect, or so I thought until I caught her one night in the bathroom splashing water onto her face. When she looked up, she coughed up the bright green and blue feathers that belonged to my pet parrot and I realized right then that she'd already eaten my fish, which had mysteriously gone missing one week prior.”

6. “After about eight years, I noticed that our neighbors weren't aging, so I monitored them closely and saw that they drank straight from the spring in the back of their yard, where they also sometimes bathed. As soon as they left town, I convinced my wife to trespass so we could dip in that magical brook, but a week later we'd aged ten years, the neighbors had moved, and that stream had evaporated or disappeared.”

7. “I've felt like a fish out of water ever since I can remember, so it didn't surprise me when they paid me a visit. I could sense that they were kin—from a different planet, or a sister galaxy, maybe—and it hurt like crazy when they abandoned me again, after reminding me of the sentence I was serving on Earth as punishment for the terrible crime I'd committed.”

8. “They thought it was the medication at first, but I knew deep down that the drugs were never to blame—that when I fall asleep, I become my true self. I have to take ridiculous doses of speed daily to avoid transforming into the sleep-walking killing machine that I am at heart.”

9. “We were making out, two innocent teens, when she froze suddenly, then started convulsing and screaming the dirtiest things, begging me to take her virginity. I did—because that's what 16-year-olds do—but it was the most awful experience of my life.”

10. “I told her a joke and she cracked up like never before. Twelve hours later she still hadn't stopped, but her adorable giggle had morphed into the evil cackle of someone who was clearly possessed, so I slit her throat, knowing in my gut that I'd done the right thing, even if it meant being in jail for life.”

11. “A bird flew right into the window above the sink as my mom washed dishes, and she didn't even flinch. It was then that I noticed her eyes had changed from blue to green, and I ran the hell away, understanding that the woman in our kitchen was an imposter who'd taken the form of the woman I once called 'mom.'”

12. “On day three of my period two years back, I took my tampon out and this giant globule followed. It was shaped like a figure eight—a kind of redish brown, gooey snowman—and I swear it whined a little right before I flushed it down the toilet, before anyone else could find out.”

13. “One afternoon someone said something funny and instead of laughing, I wept. From that day on, every emotional response I’ve ever had has been the opposite of what it should be, as if someone messed with the switchboard in my brain. I was quickly ostracized by the general population, forced to live out my days in isolation, which is better than getting punched in the face by a total stranger.”

14. “She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever dated, but after the third time we slept together she made me kneel at a makeshift shrine and pray to a deity she called Sfath. When she started chanting and smacking my ass simultaneously, I ran like crazy all the way back to my place in nothing but boxers.”

15. “It was storming out and we were holding hands, running through our high school's football field long after the game ended, grass tickling our toes, when my fingers were suddenly no longer interlocked with hers. I searched left and right until I saw her—levitating ten feet off the ground, laughing her face off—then she waved good-bye and shot up into the sky.”

16. “One day I started to get these urges to torture small animals and I couldn't stop myself, even though I knew it wasn't okay. I've been killing squirrels and tormenting chipmunks every time there’s a full moon since.”

17. “Not even my own family is safe from me on the third Thursday of the month—when it happens, like clockwork. My wife locks me inside a cage for 24 hours straight and we all wait for the moment I stop breathing like a dragon and hissing like a snake.”

18. “I figured out at 5 that I could read the minds of dogs. What I didn't expect is that they'd start making demands, which I have to abide whenever they arrive, whether I'm walking down the street, sitting on the toilet, or enjoying a meal at my house.” TC mark

82 Generic White Guy Names And What They Say About His Personality

Posted: 24 Aug 2016 06:00 PM PDT

Christopher Campbell
Christopher Campbell

1. Todd: Wears loafers. Knows specifically what Ralph Lauren line looks best on him.

2. Garrett: Wears glasses, doesn't need them.

3. Will: From the Northeast, played lacrosse in high school and thought he would be recruited, but wasn't. Always slightly shorter than you want him to be.

4. Chad: Evil.

5. Brian: Super picky eater. His girlfriend will always end up financially supporting him.

6. Bryan: Totally different from Brian. Wears a lot of Hawaiian shirts.

7. Ryan: Never texts you back because he's perpetually on some "comedy tour."

8. Ross: Not conventionally attractive, but super fucking funny.

9. Chase: Joined, like, a super niche indie band and plays the bagpipes and some other instrument nobody has ever heard of. Lives in Europe now because "Europeans appreciate the arts." Whatever, Chase.

10. Colin: Lives in Patagonia fleeces, no matter what temperature it is outside.

11. Greg: That guy who shows up uninvited to things. The target to be roasted in all group texts. Handles it like a champ.

12. Phillip: Literally always at GameStop.

13. Kurt: You're friends with him because he has a car and never seems to be doing anything so he always will give you a ride.

14. Connor: Perpetually heartbroken.

15. Jack: Republican.

16. John: Got straight-As in high school and then started drinking in college. Hasn’t stopped drinking since.

17. Ian: Plays World of Warcraft and drinks Monster energy drinks. Still.

18. Spencer: Went surfing once, puts the surfer guy emoji next to his name when he puts his name into your phone.

19. Martin: Is uncomfortable not wearing some kind of argyle print somewhere on his person.

20. Adam: He's that guy who comments in public Facebook event pages why he can't attend. Adam, nobody in "The Chainsmoker's: Metro Nashville Area" cares that you're bummed you can't go because you'll be visiting family in Seattle that weekend.

21. Rob:

22. Cam: Always texts you about wanting to drop acid on a weekday.

23. Cameron: Puts "Feminist" in his dating app profiles so he can get laid.

24. Josh: You probably met him at a music festival. He will use any opportunity given to take his shirt off. He owns and wears colored, plastic wayfarers.

25. Jeremy: Only owns sleeveless shirts.

26. Aaron: Uses Magnum condoms, doesn't have to.

27. Chaz: Always trying to bring "Chaz" back.

28. Austin: Works at Equinox, didn't actually *officially* graduate from USC (one unit short). Every profile picture he has on Facebook is with girls.

29. Jared: Loves vodka Red Bulls a little too much.

30. Michael: Peaked in high school, officially the worst now.

31. Mike: Will shame you for getting too drunk.

32. Matthew: Always threatens to “write about you” in his future book.

33. Matt: Hits on girls who are way out of his league.

34. Paul: Has a 401k straight out of college. Has a Bible verse tattooed somewhere.

35. Blake: Will literally do anything to make people laugh at parties. Once licked a banana slug on a dare.

36. Dillon: Thinks he’s a lot hotter than he actually is. Never successfully uses “there/their/they’re” correctly.

37. Dylan: Parents are stoners.

38. Dave: A "you don't seeing it coming" fuck boy.

39. Daniel: Somehow always playing an acoustic guitar.

40. Dan: Hot. Can cook.

41. Sam: Constantly telling people that he’s a really good guy. He’s pretty mediocre.

42. Stewart: Wears a lot of sweater vests.

43. Alex: Will sing for a girl on the first date.

44. Alexander: Has been doodling anime on random pieces of paper since he was in 5th grade.

45. Alec: He invites you to his DJ gigs all the time.

46. Beau: Total goofball.

47. Zachary: Big fan of Family Guy.

48. Ben: You can't say anything bad about him, but at the same time…You can't really find anything great to say about him either?

49. Derek: Still in his skateboarding phase.

50. Tom: Gets, like, personally offended when people cheat or play even the simplest games "the wrong way." Used to cry when his middle school basketball team lost.

51. Jim: Peaked playing intramural frisbee in college.

52. James: Either is British or wants to be British.

53. Zack: Raised in a super nice upper-middle class suburb and got two girls (who were friends) pregnant.

54. Mark: Accidentally snuck into a really cool group of friends. Nobody knows how.

55. Jesse: He loves the Fast and Furious franchise.

56. Billy: Peaked when he was 14, still acts like he is 14.

57. Dick: Lives up to his name.

58. Jeffrey: Reeeeeally loves his Mom.

59. Reid: Named his bong Mike Wazowski.

60. Alan: Always sounds like he's talking through his nose.

61. Andrew: The guy you fall in love with. Wears a lot of flannel.

62. Kyle: Wears white mid-calf socks, no matter the occasion.

63. Jason: Wants to date you, but you don't want to date him.

64. Jacob: Constantly talking about how much he loves San Fransisco. Can speak French.

65. Jake: Instantly tells you you're splitting the check at dinner.

66. Nathan: Does improv.

67. Eric: Always wants to take you on a hike. Loves to bring his golden retriever who is "great off leash.”

68. Erik: Constantly telling you it's "Erik with a K." Thinks he's the most unique person in the world. Always in a beanie.

69. Steve: Super into climbing. Just a touch granola, but it would take getting to know him really well to figure that out.

70. Stephen: Went to Duke, won’t shut up about it.

71. Steven: Cannot help himself and needs to argue with people in the comments section of things.

72. Travis: Has a butt chin.

73. Trevor: Has an Apple Watch.

74. Brady: Great Instagram aesthetic. Lots of pictures of him on a boat.

75. Brenden: Wrote you a song about how he loves you.

76. Kevin: Settles down really fast, is the first of his friends to be a father.

77. Ethan: Will wear a backwards hat until he is 45.

78. Tucker: Shaves his head whenever his sports team wins anything.

79. Nick: Constantly refers to himself as a “legend,” rarely does anything that qualifies as legendary.

80. Chris: Your boss.

81. Peter: Refers to sex as "making love."

82. Patrick: Likes every post you put on your social media. TC mark