Thought Catalog


I Am The Man Seducing Your Partners To Cheat, But It Doesn’t Feel Good Anymore

Posted: 27 Aug 2016 07:15 PM PDT

stefiakti
stefiakti

Content originally published on Reddit

You know that uneasy feeling you get when you see that subtle change change in her. She starts spending more time at the gym, doing her makeup or hair a little different, seems a bit happier and she’s spending more and more time “out with the girls.” That uneasy feeling is me, or someone like me.

Let me preface this by saying I know what I’m doing is wrong. I know it has the potential to tear families apart, break hearts and create scars that will last a lifetime. It hurts me. Every single time I do it, it cuts into me deeper than the last. I’m not proud of it, in fact I hide it from everyone in my life, even my closest friends. Which is why it feels good to write this. That’s not to say I don’t get anything from it, because I do. But first a little context.

I’m 28, single, live in a major metropolitan city and have a comfortable life. I have great family and friends, and have no problem meeting unattached women.

Three years ago I met a woman, let’s call her Melissa, who was at the tail end of a divorce. We met at the gym and despite a bit of an age gap, we hit it off instantly. She was still living with the guy, a cop, who wasn’t quite abusive but certainly didn’t treat her well.

She was completely upfront about her situation and said she wasn’t really interested in meeting anyone. I told her I understood, that wasn’t my angle (truthfully, it wasn’t) and that if she ever just wanted to talk and get the perspective of a guy, I’d be happy to listen. She seemed so taken aback that someone wanted to listen, that someone actually cared about how she felt, so grateful for some intimacy even on a platonic level, it just gave me a good feeling to know that maybe I was helping her in some way — at least in my mind.

So over the span of a couple days, coffee and talking turns to drinks and laughing. I don’t know her well, but I can already see a change in her. Like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders and maybe she just needs a little fun in her life right now. Drinks turn to poor decision making and as I go to drop her off, the evening ends with Melissa bent over the hood of my car in her garage having the loudest orgasm I’ve ever heard (she lived in a high rise building with underground parking so husband wasn’t likely to stumble on us).

After that, our dynamic pretty much turns physical. We fuck everywhere. My place sometimes, her place when her husband is at work, the car, the gym, the beach. Frankly it’s great. It’s hot, is feels a little dirty and forbidden and she fucks like she hasn’t gotten off in years — which very well could have been true.

I think that’s about where something clicked for me. I wasn’t really meeting women that I could see spending any amount of time with, and with Melissa, I was giving her something that made her feel desired, acknowledged and appreciated. The quid-pro-quo here, I got great sex and the feeling that maybe I had helped her out a bit.

Few weeks later, she tells me that she’s going to try and work things out with her husband. I tell her I’m happy for her and I hope it works. We hug goodbye and haven’t spoke since. In no way am I suggesting that I had anything to do with her and her husband getting back together…just explaining how it tapered off.

Here’s where the shameful part begins. Since then, I’ve actively began seeking out married women. Almost exclusively. I would say at least 50. It’s shocking how easy it is. I’m not married, so I don’t know much about the intricacies of marital bliss, but I will tell you that there are SO many women out there who are angry, hurt, feel unappreciated and unfulfilled. They’re everywhere.

I’ve had relationships with married women that I’ve met at the grocery store, gym, bookstore, malls, restaurants, coffee shops, IKEA, fucking Home Depot. It is just so easy to spot. The prolonged eye contact, ring check, and bashful smile which is essentially an invitation to come talk to them. So many beautiful women (inside and out) that just get ignored by their husbands.

Men, you want some insight into why your wife would cheat on you? The number one complaint that I hear as the man lying in bed next to your wife, “He just doesn’t listen to me.” Women are feeling-driven. They need to be show affection, both physical and emotional. Perhaps more than anything, they need to feel loved and desired. That doesn’t mean with your fucking cock, it means picking up on the subtle cues when they’re unhappy or having a bad day and giving a fuck.

Maybe to a certain extent I am taking advantage of these women or where they are in their life. I used to tell myself that I was balancing it all out by giving them something that they were lacking at home. Whether physical or emotional.

Yesterday afternoon something happened that really stung deep. One of the women I’ve been seeing lately, let’s call her Jessica, is 36, very pretty and sweet, married mother of 3. We met a couple weeks ago at a bar when she was out with some girlfriends.

We start talking, hit it off well and within 15 minutes she’s telling me how tough things are with her husband. This…right here….those words…”Having a tough time with my husband”…spoken to a stranger, it’s basically saying “Hey, I need a break, need some excitement. I’m open to sleeping with you.”

So a few drinks, I walk her to her car, we kiss and trade email addresses. Next day I get an email telling how great it was to meet me and asking if I’d like to come to her yoga studio for a class I accept and class is great. We grab Jamba Juice afterwards……yadda, yadda, yadda….we end up fucking on the floor on a yoga mat. She’s awesome. Again, just one of those women that seems like she hasn’t been touched or show attention in years.

So we’ve been doing this for a couple weeks now. Same routine, I get a free yoga class and get to fuck the instructor afterwards. It’s actually been great, one of the best relationships like this I’ve had in a while and we get along so well. No expectations or innuendoes about the future of our relationship, just fun and enjoying each other.

Yesterday, same routine. I go to class, and after class we’re fooling around. The studio is essentially a big storefront with a small bathroom in the back and shades covering the windows in the front of the room. We typically just lock the front door and fuck on the floor towards the back of the room.

So the door is locked, we’re 45 minutes in, she’s on top and getting close, I put my hand on the back of her head and pull her face into the nook of my shoulder and we cum together. She pull’s her face away from my shoulder, kisses me and says “that was fun.”

As she starts to sit up and pull her hair into a pony tail, I literally see the color drain from her face and she immediately starts crying and shaking. I turn my head and there’s a guy standing about six feet away from us. It’s her husband. He let himself in. I get up real quick, dick still hard and condom filled cum, thinking I’m about to get the shit kicked out of me. The guy is crying. Hard. Not even looking at me, but instead at his wife, naked, kneeling on a yoga mat in the studio he helped build for her.

And this. Right here. Is the absolute lowest moment of my life. I feel like scum. Worse than scum. And I can feel myself start to tear up to thinking about this family that I just rained down disfunction on. The kids. And it’s not like it was some fucking mistake. It was me. I sought this out for my own perverted self gratifying reasons. I couldn’t go fuck some trixie at a bar, I had to purposely seek out a married woman. A fucking mother. A now my fucked up decisions have caused a family to fall apart.

I didn’t say a word. Pulled on my shorts, grabbed my clothes and mat and just walked out. They both stayed put and neither looked at me on the way out. The last thing I heard him say was, “I don’t understand.”

So I’m done. I swear. This is my confession and it will serve as a reminder of the pain I’ve already caused and the potential harm that my own fucked up behavior can bring not just to one person, but to a whole family.

From the bottom of my heart – to the families that my actions affected. I am so very sorry. I was immature, irresponsible and exploitive. I’m so, so sorry. TC mark

This Is Me Demanding That You Make Me A Priority, Instead Of Acting Like I’m An Option

Posted: 27 Aug 2016 06:15 PM PDT

Naim Naim
Naim Naim

I'm tired of constantly checking upon those little grey numbers indicating when you were last active on Facebook. I'm tired of checking my messages for a text that won't come. I'm tired of re­reading past conversations just to contradict my gut feeling. It isn't rocket science ­ I am and will always simply be an option to you. Someone you call up when you're bored; someone you make just enough time for.

Unassuming and chivalrous, you somehow managed to break through my cold and distant walls. I let my guard down, only to find my sanity whirling in random directions. Every minute spent without you felt like salt on the ever­beating wound. Heck, in the midst of all this ­ you weren't even mine. I wouldn't dare venture anywhere past the platonic zone, although I so desperately wanted to squeeze you just a little bit tighter every time we parted.

But I don't blame you.

When was the last time I put myself as a priority? The last time I did something I loved before falling asleep, rather than peer into that familiar little blue screen, hoping for a response? The last time I could watch the city skylines without picturing us gazing out into the distance, hand in hand, complemented by a gentle, summer breeze?

Frankly speaking, I couldn't even trace my memory back that far. Yet, I keep convincing myself that this time, things will be different. Things will change. With these positive affirmations in mind, I held on believing, while you were out there doing anything but thinking of me. You'd apologize for your delayed responses, and I, foolhardy enough, would accept it wholeheartedly.

You were intelligent. Fascinating. Oddly humorous, even. I can still recall the day our English teacher narrated your apology letter (due to tardiness?) in front of the class. Needless to say, I was blown away by your articulate use of language to express your thoughts on paper. You too, were a writer. That, in this day and age, was a beautiful thing.

I'd catch myself daydreaming about you in all of the in­betweens in life: waiting at the bus stop, browsing a store, or doing the dishes. Then I'd resort to hypercontemplation; retracing every little detail of yours in the cracks of sidewalks and the leaves of the willow trees. I wasn't the girl who every guy noticed, but you did. And to me, that meant something.

But enough is enough. I'm tired of being an option, and it's all on me.

Today, I'm not resorting to the usual indulgence of melancholy and insomnia. I won't dedicate any more hours trying to prove the blatant truth wrong. I will stop telling myself that I'm not good enough; not pretty enough; not interesting enough. Today, I am going to practice self­-discipline and learn from my mistakes instead of arguing against them.

Because, darling, I'm growing stronger ­and that is also a beautiful thing. TC mark

20 Little But Life Changing Reminders For Every 20-Something Out There

Posted: 27 Aug 2016 05:16 PM PDT

averie woodard
averie woodard

1. You are under no obligation to be the same person you were yesterday, the same person you are today, the same person you were an hour ago. Life is short. Play with it. You might figure out who you are at 18. You might figure out who you are at 40. Both are okay.

2. You only have so much money and you really want that new pair of shoes? Go buy them. Wear them. Brag about them. Love them like they're your own flesh and blood. Never forget that the night you woke up drunk and had to walk home, those shoes were still on your feet.

3. Never take money or a well-paid job over your dreams and the things you love.

4. Don't blame people for leaving you. We all have issues. Sometimes leaving seems to be the easiest, and most simple of options. We have all been there. We will all be there. Don't throw blame in places it isn't needed.

5. People WILL leave you and it will hurt. God, it will hurt. Don't succumb to it. Give it a day to feel. A day to sit in your bed and cry your heart out. To write sad poetry and scream until you're hoarse. Then pick yourself up and go take a shower. Wash him out of your hair. Wash her out of your hands. Brush their taste from your mouth. And then you live again.

6. Don't put things off until the last minute. You will find yourself staying awake until 4AM trying to finish a paper that is due at 6AM. Try not to let that happen to you. You will find yourself filled with anxiety, dry mouth, and bitter thoughts. Plan ahead.

7. People are going to die. The people you love are going to die. Maybe today, maybe 10 years from now. But it will happen. Try not to focus on it too much, but realize that life is short. Let yourself know it's going to happen. Prepare yourself, brace yourself. It will happen.

8. Learn to cook. Don't rely upon a microwave and hot pockets. It's not healthy, and it's not good. Make your own food, all kinds of food. Eat things you normally wouldn't eat. Experiment.

9. People are ocean tides and they're going to change with the seasons. They will leave you, make you cry, make you happy, and make you sad. Sometimes all in the same day. People change, sometimes in a minute, sometimes in a year.

10. Take pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. One day, when you're twenty you're going to wake up and wish you had photos of your friends from middle school.

11. You are going to wake up at 4AM and wish that you were dead. You are going to think about all the things you've ever done wrong. You're going to want to cry, you're going to want to shout. Don't buy into any of it. The night time is the devil like that, in disguise trying to drag out the happiness you have. Don't let it. Go back to sleep, focus on the things that make you happy.

12. Remember the real friends you have in your life. One day, you might not talk at all.

13. Have somebody to call when it's 3AM and you're drunk and want to talk. Have somebody to call when you're ready to come home.

14. People are going to be mean. You're going to be mean. Don't buy into that "everyone is nice" crap because it's all shit. We're all cruel, every single one of us. Some, are just more so than others. Prepare yourself to hear every evil thing you've thought about yourself out loud. Prepare yourself to call your friends names behind their back when you're mad.

15. Say "I'm sorry." Shout it from the rooftops. Whisper it into somebodies skin. Scream it, yell it, say it. Don't ruin relationships because of your big ego.

16. Get an education. Get a job you're happy with. Don't depend upon anybody else for money, housing, or food. You're going to wake up at 35 and realize the only worthwhile job you've ever worked was when you were 17, and somehow, you still hated every minute of it.

17. Don't be scared to let somebody love you. Nobody wants to be alone for the rest of their life. Embrace in the fact that they adore you, let them love you, let them brag about you to their friends. One day you're going to realize that you love them too.

18. Travel. Travel to other cities, to other countries. Travel and bring just a little cash and an extra set of clothes. Allow yourself to get lost. Allow yourself to meet new people. Allow yourself to find yourself, to find the person you once were and the person you want to become.

19. You are going to hold somebody’s hair back while they vomit. You're going to wash them up and put them to bed. Don't be squeamish about any of this. Take care of them, watch them. Let yourself be needed. Let them know that you're there.

20. Pay attention to how people treat their waiters. It says a lot more about them then it does about the service. TC mark

You Need To Stop Thinking Change Is A Bad Thing

Posted: 27 Aug 2016 04:15 PM PDT

camerabee
camerabee

Change is inevitable. You've heard that phrase before, right? The idea that who we are, that where we are, that what is happening all around us is all a part of this big cycle/mess/chaos/flow of life. And it's forever shifting.

We're told as children that we're going to grow up.
We're told in puberty that our bodies are drastically adjusting.
We're told that life will take so many turns and twists.

And we're told that we need not cling to the familiar, because everything will forever be becoming new.

Sometimes that's really frustrating.
Sometimes that's really scary.

Sometimes we just want things to stay as they are, right in the middle of perfection, where our mouths are curved upwards into smiles and we feel settled and comfortable and safe and good.

But life doesn't work like that.
And just when you think you have it all figured out, life switches up on you.

But change is not a bad thing.

Change is synonymous with growth, with second chances, with new beginnings, with do-overs and exciting starts. Change means somewhere strange and unfamiliar and vastly different than before.

But it doesn't mean bad.

I think we fear change because we're scared of who we will become when everything has shifted around us, when we don't recognize those closest to us, or even our own faces in the mirror. We're scared of change because change can mean we're pushed in directions we're hesitant to go, or that we might lose the ones we love somewhere in the process.

Change is scary because we don't know what lies ahead, and standing on the edge, leaning forward makes it seem like a huge, uninviting drop-off between where we are and where we are supposed to go.

But change isn't like that, at least not all the time. Sometimes change can be awful, yes. But mostly change is awful in the beginning because you're not used to it, and once you settle in, you discover it's not so bad after all.

Change leads you to places, to people, to opportunities, to a life you never pictured. It shows you ways that your life can be different from the one you had before; it shows you what kind of person you are, one that is even stronger than you thought.

Change isn't a bad thing. It's a opportunity.

It's the world granting you a gift, allowing you to open your wings and to fly. Sure, you won't soar at first. Sure, you might stumble or crash to the ground a few times as you learn how to flap your wings and be carried by the wind.

But then you will take flight.

And you'll see the world on the ground mirroring those fears back to you, tiny and insignificant as ants from this height. TC mark

I Don’t Want To Forget You, I Want To Remember Why I Should Never Go Back To You

Posted: 27 Aug 2016 03:15 PM PDT

Thought.is
Thought.is

Some people want to forget their heartbreak. They want to forget the shitty things done to them. They want to move on. They want to put it behind them. They want to [insert their cliche here] and bury the hatchet.

I don’t want to forget. I want to remember.

I want to remember how he treated me. I want to remember how he flirted with me, fooled me into believing that he actually cared about me. I want to remember how he would text me all these cutsy messages and profess how important I was to him. I want to remember.

I want to remember how I would sit by the phone with baited breathe, waiting for his text message or snapchat. I want to remember how I would frown at my phone when I saw he read my snap but didn’t bother to respond (until around 2:00am, of course). I want to remember how he would eagerly talk about “how excited” he was to hang with me — when really there was only one part of me that excited him.

I want to remember how it felt when I would fall asleep next to him one night, and never hear from him the next day. I want to remember how my heart strained, strained, and eventually broke. I want to remember all the lies, all the promises of “being sorry” and wanting to “make up for it.” I want to remember how it felt to be used, how it felt to be abused.

I want to remember the cute dates and outings. There weren’t many to remember, really — just enough to make sure I never fell off the radar. Just enough to make sure that I would always answer his texts. Just enough to keep me on the shelf as some fucked up trophy.

I want to remember what it felt like to be desired, to have someone want to take off your shirt, your pants, and see you. I want to remember what it felt like to lay my head on his chest and slowly fall asleep. I want to remember what it felt like to be an object of lust, and not of love. I want to remember it, and never forget.

If I remember, it won’t happen again. If I remember, I will guard my heart more closely. If I remember, I won’t answer his texts or calls. If I remember, hopefully I will won’t have to relearn it all again.

If I remember, hopefully I will become stronger. Hopefully I will build up my self-confidence up to my firmer. Hopefully I will find somebody who treats me different.

I don’t want to forget. I want to remember. TC mark

This Is How You Fall Out Of Love

Posted: 27 Aug 2016 02:16 PM PDT

Thought Catalog Instagram
Thought Catalog Instagram

When it begins, you’re thrown into a wildfire of a plethora of particular sensations you never knew you had. Cherish every second, from when you get that intoxicating fluttering in your stomach just from seeing them, or as you anticipate seeing them, to the way your heart box-steps as they inch closer towards you. Cherish the way every song you hear reminds you of them, even if it was a song you shared with someone else; cherish even more the cadences you never cared for until it reminded you of them.

Cherish the laughs — the little grins and the haphazard giggles, especially the euphoric ones of pure ecstasy that make them crouch over; the uproar in their stomach inevitably becomes a riot you both share. Sway through that electricity together.

Cherish the way they extend their hand, waiting for you to interlace your fingers with theirs as you walk down the street. Cherish how you don’t see anyone else when you’re with them because you’re so entwined in each other’s minds, sharing in every sense mutually. Cherish that stillness, the reticence that never makes you question for a second whether they appreciate you or not. Cherish the way they can easily switch between banter and the austere. Cherish how they can push the right buttons and make you see in a new perspective, theirs.

Cherish the beauty you see in them, even when you feel beauty doesn’t exist anymore. Cherish the conversations you have that you know are unraveling all the intricacies and ruggedness you have built for yourself as protection. Cherish the way they look into your eyes, like they’re feeling everything you’re feeling at that minute. Cherish how they understand your shell is withering, ever so slowly, because of them.

Cherish how you’ve finally found them, and how wonderful it is to feel like you’ve known each other your whole life. Cherish their victories, big and small, and be proud of them. Cherish your innocence that unfurls when you're around them. Cherish the times you discover more of what lives beyond what you see, as they reveal the stories they have shrouded in dust. Cherish how dangerously you look at them and find yourself staring back at you, yet remain unafraid.

Cherish all these little pieces before it crumbles and you’re left with nothing.

Sometimes, it simply disintegrates and you realize it’s not meant to be. But most of the time, it’s because we forget to appreciate these tender moments that once made us think we were invincible. And these emotions become weary and draining, like a magnet that’s only getting heavier and pulling you down with time.

So cherish them…for as long as you can. TC mark

To The Girl Who Has Always Been By My Side (I’m Always Here For You Too)

Posted: 27 Aug 2016 01:15 PM PDT

Tamara Menzi
Tamara Menzi

This isn't your typical love letter.

It's not going to start with an expression of feelings and filled with metaphors to explain how much I love you. It's not going to explain how when you're hurting, I feel it on the same level. That when you cry, I hold mine in because right now you need me to be the strength even though usually it's you. This letter isn't going to tell you how hopelessly in love with someone I am because this isn't that kind of love.

This is for the person, my person, who manages to be there no matter what.

The girl who has literally picked me up off the floor and told me to get my shit together. The best friend that manages to continuously be there for me even though she's millions of miles away. The girl who holds everything together without letting people see her struggle. And while right now she's struggling, she is one of those people who can manage to keep it together. So when it's late at night and she feels the pain start to spread across her chest, she lets it out but only so no one else can see.

How this girl manages to see right through me every time I tell her I'm fine. Or somehow manages to know exactly when I'm in the most pain, I'll never know. I'll never know how she is continuously right and cuts the bullshit out of every story that I'm telling myself.

But to the girl that keeps everything in for a fear of looking weak, let it out. Let it go. Let someone else be there for you when you're suffering. Let yourself explain to everyone that right now, things aren't perfect. That even though you like everything to be pretty and tied together with a bow, that it's OK that you need a little extra love.

I can see it that right now you think that you're not going to be OK again. That you're fighting to remember a time when everything was easy. A time when you could tell people not to worry about you. When you knew in your heart of hearts that you were always going to be OK because you've got this. You have managed to keep things together in the darkest of hours and have gotten through things that many of us wouldn't.

And people have called you boring. Have told you that you've played it safe. That you aren't adventurous. But if they only knew. If they only knew that perception isn't always what it's cracked up to be. That you have fought for everything you have. That you are the strength for a lot of people. That you may seemingly have played it safe but you hide your scars and you hide them well.

Let me tell you something, if there's anyone in this world that I strive to be like, it's you.

And right now things don't feel right. They feel convoluted and scary. But I know this, you will overcome whatever obstacle that stands in your way. And while the belief you have in yourself is wavering, know that belief that I have in you is sound.

So even though you're the one constantly seeing right through me and calling me on my bullshit, I'm about to do the same. Because you need me, even when you're trying so hard to hold back from telling me. Even though we're worlds apart, you need to know that I'm here. I'm always here.

And I'll always be here. TC mark

This Is Me Accepting You Are Never Going To Be Fully Mine

Posted: 27 Aug 2016 12:15 PM PDT

Alexander Annenkov
Alexander Annenkov

I’d like to think, you and I? We’re up in the air, floating. I wish I could say that we’re floating because we’re deliriously in love or we’re up in the air because we’re lost in what we feel.

But we’re not.

I was never for going with the flow because I like things figured out — I yearned for certainty. Foundation. Structure. But how can I have that little peace of mind when I find myself standing on a ground far from what I can grasp? I have never felt so out of depth.

Are we two strangers with lost souls? I wish we were. I wish we were nothing more than a casual “hi” that can simply be ended with “goodbye.” But we’re not. We’re both looking for ourselves to be found. But can we find ourselves in each other’s arms? There, we went up in the air.

You and I, we’re no different with the word “if.” We both can stand alone, sealed with a dot. No other words are needed for us to mean what mean. But the sad thing is… we’re a lot like the word “if” but one followed by an ellipsis.

Unknown. Unsure. Officially unofficial.

I say we’re floating and left hanging.

I hope when we close our eyes, I can ask you to wander around with your imagination; turn impossibilities to possibilities like we have a master plan. But I cannot. You cannot. Because when we close our eyes, we see an answer. I wish for a form of hope; one that can alter its color; one we can blissfully surrender to. Instead, it isn’t. It’s not even a gray area. It’s black with finality.

If fate and time would come together, they’d count all the no’s and wrong turns we disregarded over the years. Overwhelming, but it’s something that can finally clear up the blurriness on these thick-rimmed glasses. Decided, it says that your silence doesn’t translate to the “yes” we believed in. Rather, something you need to drown with dozens of cheap glasses of liquor. I hoped it helped drown the inconsistency. It didn’t.

Now, despite me thinking, we’re up in the air, floating, I am sure that there is one more uncertainty than can hold me captive completely: I can fall in love with what we could be.

Sadly, it’s the one we will never be. TC mark

Love Me Anyway

Posted: 27 Aug 2016 11:45 AM PDT

NickBulanovv
NickBulanovv

There’s a lot of things that can bring a relationship to its knees, most of which are buried in my mind. The kind of things I'm not aware existed in my psyche until suddenly I am so consumed by them, so within their grips that I'm not sure how or why I got here. I don’t even know why I feel sick, why my breath has caught in my throat or why I feel, for want of a better word, “crazy.” I just do.

These things, these toxic thoughts- insecurity, paranoia, jealousy feed off of the power I give them. They get stronger, louder, more convincing. They tell me that I am no good, that you will cheat, that that female friend is not just a friend, that you will leave me.- Of course you will, what have I possibly got that would make you stay? Nothing.

And I’ve realized after hours, sometimes days of trying to analyse my irrational thoughts, that insecurity is the dominant force. That not feeling worthy of love is what creates these other, ugly anxieties. I am in constant fear that you’ll leave, that I won’t be good enough. That I’m not smart enough or pretty enough or into enough of the same things as you.

I worry that some incredible woman will come along and be all of the things I am not and you will be gone. And I would have been right this entire time, I do not deserve to be loved.

And it’s dumb and it’s damaging and it turns me into this horrible version of myself where I say insane things and act in insane ways and sometimes, on my worst days, I almost want you to prove me right, I want you to cheat because at least then, I can stop the worrying and the anxiety and the controlling.
It’ll be over, I’ll be done.

Because it’s exhausting, honestly, being inside my head on the days when it is a tangled messed of crazy thoughts with no route which can be severed, and I haven’t slept because the images are so intrusive my brain cannot rest, I pray for an ‘off’ switch.

I just wish it would stop, I wish I could be ‘the cool girl’ but I am not. I never will be.

And I know I am difficult to love, I know I am tiring and challenging and stubborn. I know I am not always my best self and sometimes I expect too much of you but I am asking you to love me anyway. I am asking you to know all of this, see all of this, try to understand it somehow and love me anyway.

Love me for the 4AM cuddles and the random kisses on street corners. Love me for the declaration of my feelings and my fearlessness in chasing what we have. Love me for the good morning texts, the goodnight phone calls and my desire to get to know the parts of you that you keep hidden. Love me for trying, for challenging my thoughts, for wanting to be better.

Love me, sweet boy, because I am trying.
For you, I will always try.

I promise. TC mark

How It Feels To Miss You

Posted: 27 Aug 2016 11:15 AM PDT

Mitya Ku
Mitya Ku

I never knew,
the possibility for a person
To ache
for another smile.
To ache
for another soul.
To ache
for another hand
To ache
for another heart.

To ache for you.

You who never
stole me a glace.
You who never
bothered to know my soul.
You whose
hands I never held.

You who never craved for my heart.

And yet, I still missed you
with every single beat
of this damn heart.

And yes, I will miss you
for when roads get intertwined,
souls get lost,
hearts get shattered,
and we might never find
our way back into each other, ever again. TC mark