Thought Catalog


22 Signs You’re A Lazy Lover That No One Will Want To Fuck

Posted: 18 Sep 2016 10:00 PM PDT

Troy Freyee
Troy Freyee

1. Your partner is always the one on top.

2. While they’re on top, you don’t really kiss or nibble or scratch them. You just kind of sit there.

3. When you’re in the mood, you say something like, “Let’s have sex,” instead of actually putting in the effort to seduce them.

4. They go down on you, but you never go down on them.

5. On the rare occasions when you do go down on them, it’s only for a few minutes. As soon as you get a hand cramp or a jaw ache, you stop yourself, even if they aren’t finished yet.

6. You send them dirty sexts throughout the day, but you never follow through on the NSFW things you claimed you were going to do.

7. Nudes are completely out of the question, because they would require you to shave, find something sexy to wear, and waste an hour snapping photos until you captured the perfect one.

8. Lingerie sounds like a nightmare to you. You don’t see the point in spending money on a skimpy piece of fabric that’s going to be removed after five seconds of staring.

9. If your partner takes longer than ten minutes to orgasm, you get pissed off. What, are you not sexy enough for them anymore?

1o. You never talk dirty. You don’t know what to say, so you don’t even try.

11. You act like your partner owes you something whenever you go down on them or sleep with them, because it feels like a chore to you.

12. You never initiate sex. If your partner doesn’t take the lead, then you just don’t have sex that night.

13. You complain whenever your partner asks you to get on top or go down on them or do anything that requires even minimal effort.

14. Even though you expect your partner to keep things tidy below the belt, you don’t bother to do the same.

15. You hate doing it in the kitchen or in the shower, because it requires standing. You only like doing it in the comfort of your own bed.

16. You never go down on them during your period. If you aren’t going to orgasm, why should they?

17. Sex is over as soon as you’re finished. If your partner is still horny, they have a perfectly good hand to finish themselves off with. In the meantime, you’re going to flip onto your side of the bed and drift off to sleep.

18. There’s only one position you like, and it doesn’t involve lifting up your legs or raising your hips or moving your body in any way.

19. You’ve actually fallen asleep during sex, at least once.

20. You don’t mind catching your partner watching porn. In fact, you’d rather have them masturbate to a video than beg you for sex.

21. You risk having sex without protection whenever you run out of condoms, because you hate walking up to the cashier and buying them.

22. You expect your partner to bend over backwards to please you, but would be offended if they expected the same from you. TC mark

Blowjob Basics: 8 Sassy Women Reveal Their Top-Secret Tips

Posted: 18 Sep 2016 08:45 PM PDT

Flickr / Jeanny
Flickr / Jeanny
Found on AskReddit.

1. Keep sucking him as he cums.

"Keep sucking him as he cums. He might feel like he’s gonna explode but he’ll enjoy it. Last guy I did this too nearly passed out and had to light a cigarette real quick. ‘Twas a job well done :)"

irishartistry


2. Use your hands, too.

"When giving a blowjob, use your hands, too. If your partner is big enough you can fit both of your hands on him then move your hands in a twisting motion around his penis. You can still put the tip of his penis in your mouth as you do it. Make sure that his penis is thoroughly wet before doing the twisting motion. You can use one hand as well, but I have been told it is much better with two."

i_like_eggs_93


3. A blowjob should be like a roller coaster, not a car ride.

"Tongue over your bottom teeth, and suck in your top lip. No toothy feeling makes for an enjoyable experience.

Don’t suck too hard or it will hurt—but how fast you go and how hard you suck means it is anywhere from warming them up, to simply teasing, to 'I'm-a try and get you off.'

Listen also to a man's breathing and learn to recognize his pattern for general enjoyment and to try and make the experience more varied.

Remember that the tongue is also VERY important and that the penis generally has different spots of sensitivity.

A blowjob shouldn’t be like a car ride—boring and generally going in one direction. It should be like a roller coaster—fun and varied and always something new to keep you excited."

Cananbaum


4. Say his cock is big; who cares if it’s not the biggest you’ve had or it’s kinda small?

"Learn to take his cock the entire way & lick the balls while you’re all the way down. That in itself is Keeper grounds. Say his cock is big; who cares if it’s not the biggest you’ve had or it’s kinda small? Say it’s so big, and you love his big cock."

relatablename


5. Try masturbating while doing it.

"If you’re just planning to give a blowjob, and you’re coordinated enough, try masturbating while doing it. The blowjob receiver will love seeing you cum with his cock in your mouth, and you get an orgasm! (I usually only do this while I’m on my knees and he’s standing; it’s a little bit harder if he’s lying down and I’m kneeling bending over him.)

Also, if you’re sucking a guy off, try adjusting your body so that the guy can look at and finger your pussy while you do it. My current boyfriend says, ‘Can I watch your pussy while you do that?’ which strikes me as a funny way of putting it, but I always say yes!"

Exener


6. Keep a swimmer’s mentality and breathe between ‘strokes.’

"The key to deep throating is just plain old relaxing. Don’t worry about your breathing, don’t worry if you’re doing it right, hell, don’t even think about it. Keep your throat normal and relaxed and slide that dick in there without a thought. Dicks are soft, and as long as you become mindful of the shape of your throat, you’ll be able to partially swallow something like a penis.

The length of the guy’s cock usually isn’t what makes it hard to swallow. Your food goes all the way to your stomach! However, if the guy is thick, it’ll be hard to fit down your throat and you might tense up because it’ll plug up your airways. The best way to work with this is keep a swimmer’s mentality and breathe between ‘strokes.’ Bob up and down once or twice and on the third, pull up higher and take a breath. This’ll help if you have anxiety about not being able to breathe."

Anonymous


7. No teeth. Ever. Bad.

"Blowjobs keep relationships alive, and there are some tricks I have picked up when it comes to blowjobs:

1) No teeth. Ever. Bad.

2) Don’t forget about the twins. So many guys I have dated have said that no girl has ever sucked/licked their balls before. Gotta keep the twins warm, ladies! It doesn’t take a lot; either just lick them softly if that’s all you’re comfortable with, or, if you feel okay with it, suck one into your mouth VERY GENTLY. Don’t suck like you’re trying to draw them out of the skin; just gently roll it around your mouth. Then, if you want to, carefully, very carefully, take both into your mouth at once. Run your tongue along them and let them bask in the warm of your mouth.

3) Keep things wet. No one wants raw skin on skin rubbing and tugging. Use your mouth to really lather up that bad boy. That way, not only is it easier for you to get your mouth around it, but handjobs are way more enjoyable.

4) Use both hands sometimes. Place one hand at the base, and one hand at the head (make sure the penis is wet), and move the hands in opposite directions. Now, be careful, this isn’t supposed to be a Chinese burn. Make sure it’s wet enough that your hands slide over the skin and not pull the skin. Move your hands slightly up and down at the same time and suck the tip. Classic move.

5) Start slow. Let there be a buildup and make him beg for it before you give him everything he wants.

6) Play with his balls while you suck him; the dual stimulation is apparently quite enjoyable.

7) While you are moving your mouth up and down, swirl your tongue from side to side for extra sensation.

8) Sometimes, it’s nice to give the balls a bit of a massage. There are two ways here. One, use your thumbs to rotate in a circular motion around the balls. Again, make sure they are wet. Two, using the palms of your hands, gently cup the balls and push in an upward motion. GENTLY.

9) The deep throat. Not all women, like myself, are born without a gag reflex. However, like I did, you can train yourself not to have one. Every night, grab a toothbrush and brush your tongue as far back as your can go without gagging. Every night, brush the spot that just makes your gag. Each week, go back a bit farther, and a bit farther. After a while, you will be able to brush all the way down your throat and VOILA! No gag reflex!

10) HAVE FUN. Nothing is sexier than a girl having fun.

Side note: If you want to swallow, it’s easier to have the penis at the back of your throat and to keep sucking as he cums."

Wonder-Woman


8. Tight lips!! Loose lips do not make a penis happy.

"Here is my guide to giving a basic blowjob.

You may want to put your hair up. It’s nice for him to grab and it keeps it out of everything. But some guys like it messy and would prefer you keep it down.

Ok. Start with just one solid lick, from the base to tip. Keep your hand/grip at their base (not too hard! Just a slight squeeze, remember.

A good blowjob includes hands, and a good handjob includes your mouth), and move your lips to close around the tip of their dick. You’re going to want to swirl your tongue around a few times. You want it to be wet, make sure the entire thing is wet either from your tongue or spitting on it (don’t be gross, keep it saliva, no phlegm, y’all).

Now, start off slow, just moving your mouth about halfway down on their dick, and then go back up. Remember to keep your tongue flat and solid against him, and cover your lower teeth if your lip isn’t already doing that. No one likes teeth in oral).

Just continuing this about the same speed, you want to build him up and consistency/rhythm tends to achieve this. Try to take a little more of them in your mouth each time…and by now you should be increasing your speed slightly.

While you’re here, you could be using your other hand to massage his inner thighs or fondle his balls (gently! Also ask him if he’s OK with his balls being touched; not everyone is into that).

Also, don’t be shy, you’re sucking their dick for god sakes, move your hair out of your face and look at them; eye contact is sexy. Also, if you don’t mind, don’t forget to make noise; I’m told moaning feels amazing on a dick, so go ahead and try that out if you’re willing

Now back to the original content. After every few bobs, come back up to the tip and just swirl your tongue around him before going back down. Also!! Don't forget to keep your lips tightly around them. Tight lips!! Loose lips do not make a penis happy. By this point he should be moaning or squirming or have some sort of indication that he’s enjoying himself.

Don’t stop. Keep your pace steady. If you’re holding his balls, you will notice them tighten up, go down. Take him as deep as your mouth will let you. He. Will. Love. This. Plus, it helps if you don’t like the taste of his semen; this way you still get the title of someone who swallows.

You can always vary your tongue movements, but this is a beginner’s guide! Hope this helps someone."

dustyglass TC mark

16 Women Reveal The Dirtiest Fantasy They’re Dying For Their Partner To Fulfill

Posted: 18 Sep 2016 08:01 PM PDT

Mateus Lunardi Dutra
Mateus Lunardi Dutra

1. “I’ve never done anything anal-wise except for maybe a finger every now and then when a guy was feeling adventurous. But from the little I’ve experienced I totally want to try something more. I’d definitely say yes to full on butt sex if he ever asked.” — Nadia, 24


2. “Girl on girl. I’ve kissed girls but never gone all the way. I almost exclusively masturbate to lesbian porn and I’m dying to experience it in real life.” — Rose, 26


3. “One time my boyfriend was feeling frisky and went down on me while I was in the middle of a very important conference call for work, and it was ridiculously hot. Every time I’m doing something at home that’s work related (Skype calls, Google Hangouts, whatever) I want him to do it again. The thrill of it makes me so turned on, and the orgasms are mind blowing.” — Helene, 29


4. “I don’t just want a threesome, I want to be a part of a full-blown orgy. I find the idea of group sex and exploring all of these different people at once so liberating and it sounds like a ton of fun. Plus, the added bonus of seeing (and hearing) my partner making other people cum as hard as she makes me cum only makes it hotter.” — Beth, 25


5. “My boyfriend’s best friend is a total babe. I love my boyfriend deeply and treasure our relationship, but I wouldn’t mind being completely dominated by both him…and his Channing Tatum lookalike bff. The thought DEFINITELY has popped into my head during a solo sesh, and I would die a very happy woman if it ever happened.” — Morgan, 27


6. “It makes me a cliché, but I’m totally on the 50 Shades train. I want to be taken to a red room of pain and made somebody’s little sex slave. Even just thinking about being tied up, smacked with a riding crop, and told what to do makes me wet.” — Brenna, 28


7. “Call me silly, but I still want to hook up in my parent’s bed. I never did in high school and I sincerely feel like I missed a right of passage.” — Amelia, 23


8. “I’ve never had a true one night stand. But to up the stakes I think it’d be so hot to have sex with a complete stranger, never learn their name, and never see them again. The mystery factor really does it for me.” — Zara, 24


9. “My husband and I are newlyweds and have awesome sex, but I still get really turned on whenever I flirt harmlessly with strangers or when I can tell people are looking at me in that ‘I want to fuck her’ kind of way. I would never cheat on him, but the idea of having first time sex or hooking up with someone new is still a turn on. It probably always will be.” — Tricia, 28


10. “Outside, in the rain, super heated, can’t keep our hands off of each other, have to take each other right that second sex. Pretty sure The Notebook is responsible for that one.” — Kate, 25


11. “I want a girl to go down on me and fuck me while my boyfriend watches. I’ve never hooked up with a girl and I’m not into the idea of a three-way, but that sounds really sexy. Plus getting to watch my boyfriend WATCH another woman make me orgasm? Even sexier.” — Deanna, 26


12. “I want to peg my fuck buddy. It looks like so much fun and being in that much power and control over my partner turns me on like no other.” — Jenni, 24


13. “Definitely have a daddy kink. Every time I masturbate it’s to the idea of my man telling me what to do, telling me what a good girl I’m being, taking completely control and making me call him ‘daddy’ or ‘sir.’ I think he’d be into it, I just have to figure out how exactly to bring it up.” — Alexis, 21


14. “I want my boyfriend to fuck me as rough as possible. Hitting, spanking, choking, hair pulling, gags, whatever comes to mind. I want to be sore for days afterwards. But he’s so nice I could never tell him. It would definitely freak him out.” — Lauren, 25


15. “It’s pretty tame but I would love to role play with my boyfriend. Like pretend we’re strangers who’ve just met and then go fuck in the bar bathroom or something. Spicing it up and doing something outside of our ‘routine’ sounds like a lot of fun.” — Olivia, 27


16. “I know there are sites online where people can submit amateur, homemade porn, and I so want to be a part of it. I want to be able to watch my girlfriend getting me off, watch me making her scream. And knowing that other people are getting off to us would just be the cherry on top.” — Riley, 24 TC mark

39 Shamelessly Flirty Things That Would Win Any Woman Over

Posted: 18 Sep 2016 07:00 PM PDT

H Influencer Collective, Alivia Latimer
H Influencer Collective, Alivia Latimer

1. Text her first with a message that says more than just, “hey.”

2. Instead of complimenting her on her legs, compliment her on an aspect of her personality.

3. Touch her in a non-invasive spot, like the shoulder, and if she’s receptive, you can gradually touch her more and more.

4. Shake her hand after you introduce yourself to show you’re a gentleman.

5. If you’re sitting while she’s standing in a crowded bus or bar, offer your chair to her.

6. Ask her questions about herself, but not the boring ones like, “How was your weekend?”

7. Act like you like yourself. Confidence matters.

8. Stare into her eyes as she’s talking. But let her catch you checking her out later on.

9. Give her a massage.

10. Stay far, far away from pick-up lines.

11. But feel free to tell funny stories. True anecdotes beat overused jokes.

12. Like her selfies.

13. Ask her what TV shows she watches. If you find out you both loved Lost, you’ll have an hour’s worth of conversation.

14. Use (a few) emoticons when you text, so she realizes when you’re trying to be flirty.

15. Don’t talk about other girls. Don’t look at other girls.

16. Whenever she says something negative about herself, give her a compliment.

17. If she complains about wanting to see a certain movie that her friends aren’t interested in, ask her to see the movie with you.

18. Text her at all different times of the day. If you’re always texting at night, she’ll get the wrong idea. Plus, women love good morning texts.

19. If you message her on a dating app, mention something from her bio instead of something from her picture.

20. Don’t immediately try to make the conversation sexual. Ease into the dirty stuff.

21. Let her borrow your jacket when she’s cold.

22. Wear cologne that will make her swoon when she hugs you.

23. And make sure you don’t let go too quickly during those hugs. Let yourself linger.

24. If you invite her over, clean up your apartment before she gets there. Create the illusion that you’re a responsible adult.

25. Tell her how much you like her, so she’s not left guessing how you feel.

26. If you have tattoos or muscles, wear a shirt that shows them off. Let her see how sexy you are.

27. But don’t forget about showing her how smart you are. Initiate a conversation about a topic you’re knowledgable about, so you can look intelligent.

28. When she sits down on a couch or a bench, sit right next to her instead of on the other end.

29. If another guy looks at her, it’s okay if she realizes you’re jealous, but don’t let her see you get pissed. It’s a turn-off.

30. When you have food (or gum) with you, offer her some.

31. Tease her–but playfully. In a way that lets her know you aren’t seriously being mean to her.

32. Introduce her to your dog.

33. Give her a cute nickname. Not “baby” or “honey.” Something personalized.

34. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t waste her time with mixed signals.

35. Ask her to dance.

36. Remember pointless little things about her, like her favorite cereal and her father’s name.

37. When she catches you staring, smile at her, so she doesn’t get creeped out.

38. Introduce her to your friends and to your parents.

39. When you ask her out, don’t invite her over to watch Netflix. Invite her to an actual diner where you can have an actual conversation. TC mark

It’s Not Your Fault That You Didn’t See Your Breakup Coming

Posted: 18 Sep 2016 06:30 PM PDT

mandaholyszko
mandaholyszko

"Why didn't I see it coming?!"

"I really thought he/she loved me – how do I know this won't happen to me all over again?"

"Why did I let this person do this to me?"

…are just a few things that can go round and round in our heads following a breakup where the other person did things that we just didn't expect or see coming.

We question whether we're as good a judge of character as we thought, whether we're always going to be floored when it comes to love or wonder if it's always just going to be a massive gamble!

I know I have been a bit of an huge over analyser in the past! I liked to know reasons and motivations behind someone's behaviour. If I didn't get them, I questioned my own judgement.

But when it comes to questioning why we didn't see something coming and then find ourselves in this hell hole of a breakup, despite feeling floored, blindsided, stupid or naive, when we're in it and in love with someone or infatuated with them (which is actually when our logical head gets most skewed!), we're ALL in. We don't think about this situation as we probably would with a friend, a co-worker or in any scenario which involves us using our non Valencia filtered brain.

The most frustration comes when we look back and see that all the OBVIOUS signs were there. Mixed signals, going hot and cold, wanting all of your attention and in a hot minute not answering to texts and making you feel like they've completely lost interest. Or maybe the red flags were all subtle but deep down you still knew they were there and ignored them because you both had SUCH a strong connection and that's what matters, right?

But when you look back, you can see that you never really felt secure in this relationship. So if you felt that connection, what does that mean? That connection comes with the risk of heartbreak and completely flawed relationships? And how will you therefore EVER know if someone else is going to be a good match?

What we have to do in this situation is:

– Take a break from over analysing and beating ourselves up for not stopping this in its tracks and possibly still being in love/lust with an a**hole.
– Think about what we can learn to take from this moving forwards.

There are a few things to learn from going through this:

1) We don't know what we don't know. Love, lust and relationships can send us all kinds of crazy. If you're easily capable of completely losing yourself in someone, then with a bit of perspective and self-control, this is 100% something you can avoid doing in the future.

2) Don't confuse connection with intensity. If a relationship is intense with sparks and chemistry all over the shop one minute, then he/she pulls their magician trick and disappears or keeps going hot and cold on you, you don't have connection with that person. You most likely are insanely attracted to them, are attracted to their story (or sad stories which pull you in) and you're willing to accept the high of the attention they give you in the 'hot' moments without considering the lows.

Connection has to evolve and it happens when both people feel safe and secure in a relationship. There's no mind games, attention push and pull and it's not part of one of those up and down relationships that feels like an emotional rollercoaster.

What you have to do, is look at the (little and large) red flags you ignored and make a pact with yourself that you assert your boundaries and act on these next time.

You will also know how to spot an emotionally unavailable person quicker – confusing behaviour, mixed signals, expecting you to nurture their vulnerability or them using yours to their advantage, into you one moment, not so much the next – these are some of the key signs.

You can never predict what is going to happen in a relationship. You can't predict what people are going to do. But, if you take the 'one foot in, one foot out' approach when it comes to dating new people and getting into a new relationship, this means that you don't completely cut off people (and essentially become emotionally avoidant yourself) and instead, you just take the emotional investment early on down a few notches and don't make this person the sole focus of your life.

So then, you have your head and heart in a more realistic place to see the true realities of this relationship and person. Your boundaries and deal breakers are in place and you will be in a much stronger position to spot the bad signs and walk away without having your heart 'all in'. TC mark

24 HILARIOUS Times People Rage Quit Their Job The Way Everyone’s Wanted To

Posted: 18 Sep 2016 06:00 PM PDT

Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz Credit Daniella Urdinlaiz (www.lookcatalog.com)
Illustration by Daniella Urdinlaiz
Credit Daniella Urdinlaiz (www.lookcatalog.com)

1. Does His Best By Quitting

17, hole in the wall popular non-chain fast food place. Worked 3 to 11.

A Friday. We needed a MINIMUM of 4 people to run the place.
And that’s with everything getting totally trashed. 6-7 people was really what was needed.

Nobody showed up but me. Previous shift went home. Called the manager. No answer. Called the owner. ‘Just do the best you can’.

Turned off the lights, locked the door, put a sticky note on it that said ‘I quit’. And went home.

I did the best I could.

theawesomethatis

2. Quitting By Proxy

I knew a guy in high school who hated working at a movie theater. Called his boss and told him he wasn’t feeling well because he went hiking, got swarmed by bats, and got bit by one. Shows up later that evening to watch a movie with a cape and fake fangs in his mouth. Fired on the spot.

RIPmyFartbox

3. Last Day Making Pizzas

I used to work at a place that rhymes with “Pizza Hut” and the managers there were real cheapskates.

There was this nice old man that would come in every Sunday and order a triple extra cheese pizza and while they charged him for the 3x cheese, they would forbid us from ever actually putting that much cheese on a pizza because apparently cheese in the pizza selling world is akin to gold.

So instead of 3x extra cheese he would really be getting what the instructions would qualify as barely enough for a regular cheese pizza.

On the day my 2 weeks notice ended the old guy just happened to be my last order so I went into the walk-in and grabbed an entire box of cheese, proceeded to dump the entire thing onto his pizza and tossed it into oven. It was stacked so high that it couldn’t even fit into it and half of it was scraped off.

Anyways, the look on the old guy’s face when he saw me do this made it all worth it (imagine pure excitement). Needless to say I didn’t put the correct phone number down for future job references.

Not_A_Doctor_Venture

4. Popcorn And VHS

There was a UPS strike in the 90s and I was employed by them in high school as a sorter. Blockbuster Video at the time had this mail order deal where you’d get a VHS tape and bags of popcorn. Like a proto-Netflix thing I guess. Anyway, all these boxes full of microwave popcorn and VHS tapes would slide down the belt and about half of the popcorn bags would explode or break. After about an hour there was popcorn dust all over. I asked my boss for a mask, and he said that they didn’t have any. Some of the drivers walked by wearing masks, and I followed them and found a full cabinet full of masks. I confronted my boss, and he was like “the masks are for drivers, only”.

So I went back to the sorting area and just stopped working. I just stood there. The belts were backing up with these boxes of popcorn and they would burst and clouds of powdered popcorn butter would fill the air. I waited about 45 minutes before the belt shut off.

I walked out through a haze of popcorn dust, with alarms blaring, people running everywhere trying to figure out what was going on. A lot of people didn’t get their VHS tapes that week.

rikers_evil_twin

5. A “Certain” Coffee Chain

My wife worked for a certain chain coffee shop a few years back. She got another job, so requested reduced hours. This didn’t happen for 3 straight weeks.

During that third week, she had a soccer mom from hell try to get her attention, by throwing fucking snowballs at her through the drive-thru window. My wife then stopped what she was doing and tossed this soccer mom’s iced tea at her (which exploded everywhere) and slammed the window.

5 minutes later she had written her letter of resignation, with the only things she could find: a purple crayon and a sticky note.

The_MonBear

6. A Race To Quit First

Worked as a teller at a bank for a few years, GM and supervisor were both kind of crappy in their own ways. My buddy there was also a teller who felt similarly and wanted to get out. We started applying to places and both got interviews at the same company. As luck would have it, we both got hired and got phone calls about 10 minutes apart.

There was only one other teller aside from us and when it got busy, supervisor usually had to jump in as well (and usually hated it). It felt like we were constantly short staffed and days when 1 person would call out sick or be on vacation would suck. Being down 2 people was the worst.

Naturally when we both got hired, it became a race to see who could turn in their two weeks notice first. He printed his off and raced into GM’s office, walking out with a big smile. GM calls me in and offers me full time hours (after I had been requesting them for months).

I jumped in saying “Let me stop you right there, I’m also turning in my two weeks notice.”

Remembering that look of disbelief will make me smile every time. A solid professional Eff You is just as enjoyable to me as going out with a bang.

spikey182

7. Middle Management At Its Dumbest

Wrote a normal letter of resignation before I got in the shower one morning. No big deal. Got into the office and was straight ignored by management. Oh well, told you when my last day was.

Fast forward 3 days they pull me into a conference room to ask what it would take to keep me. I say nothing but don’t want to ruin them (sole IT manager for a staff of 70) and would be willing to consult part time. They liked that idea and said they’d be willing to pay me my current hourly as a consultant. I was prepared for this and told them that wasn’t what I said. I said that i would consult and my consulting rate was $200/hr. They were flabbergasted and insulted (I was making about $18/hr salary).

They thought it was insane even though they’d pay a consulting firm $600/hr when I was on vacation. Needless to say, having planned to quit it was no skin off my back and laughed about it. They didn’t take kindly to me laughing about their anger and told me to pack my shit. I did so, got an extra 10 days vacation paid out of it.

Cypher1710

8. AM Country Gold

1992: I was 19 and working at the most pissant radio station imaginable, “AM Country Gold”. The notoriously cheap, abusive and dishonest owner, a fella named “Wes,” had just screwed me out of a promised bonus. It was the latest in a long line of dishonest acts and I had had enough.

The rest of the sales team was afraid to stand up to Wes and he screamed abuse at them constantly (except the lone woman, who he sexually harassed). They were all in their 30’s & 40’s, working the same garbage job I was, but desperately needed it. I did not. So I engaged in a very public shouting match with Wes in the lobby, saying all the things everyone there had always wanted to say. Then I swept the contents of the front desk onto the floor and stormed out.

Instead of leaving, I went around the side of the building to a pay phone and called the radio station request line. In a fake Southern accent, I said, “Hey y’all, I just told my cheap, no good, lying piece of human garbage boss to go to hell. Play me out with, “Take this Job and Shove It,” and dedicate it to my former boss, Wes!”

The disc jockey had no idea what had just happened in the lobby, or that my Wes was “the” Wes, so he enthusiastically played my recorded dedication and added, “This one is for you Wes, choke on it you sack of crap!”

The building had speakers inside and out constantly playing the radio feed, so I got to hear Wes get clowned by his own radio station before driving off into the sunset.

LAND0KARDASHIAN

9. Over The P.A. System

Someone at my previous workplace (a huge grocery store in a large mall) went to the PA system we use to issue messages to the whole mall, and said something along the lines of “dear customers, managers and co-workers. I fucking quit”, and then proceeded to leave.

Focie

10. The Family Business

I used to work for my Father. It was probably the worst time of my life. He treated me like absolute shit, paid me very poorly, and made me work 70+ hours a week. I was young, just out of high school, and I complained about my predicament quite a lot. His response was always “if you don’t like it, there’s the door.”

6 months before I quit, he made me run his night shift, which meant 6PM -6:30AM Monday through Saturday. I was very unhappy about this, so I applied for another job. I got it, and went to my Father’s office with a list of demands, he responded with his usual reply, so I said, “Alright, I’ve gotten a job offer somewhere else, fuck you, I quit.”

The look on his face was priceless. He truly believed that because I had amazing job security that I’d be willing to put up with anything and that I’d stay there for my entire career. In one short, sweet instant, I proved to him that this was not the case, and he lost his most valuable employee.

The icing on the cake was the fact that the job that I left him for is at the company that manufactures the very machinery and software he relies on in business. So any time something goes wrong in his factory, he has to call me to fix it for him.

Your_Lower_Back

11. Using A Hidden Code

I wrote a respectful letter thanking them for the opportunity and all they’ve taught me.

The first letter of every sentence spelled out “Fuck <boss>”.

Nobody noticed.

InternetSpaceship

12. The Price You Have To Pay

I went up to HR to give my two weeks’ notice GTFO but before I could even get a word out, the HR lady flapped her hand at me and told me to come back in an hour because she was going on lunch. So I wrote “I QUIT!” on a piece of paper, signed and dated it, and left it on her desk.

She called me later to let me know that since I didn’t give two weeks’ notice, I would never be eligible to work for Kaufmann’s or Macy’s ever again. I told her I’d just have to live with that.

thebloodofthematador

13. “I Can’t Do This Anymore”

Worked in a video store when there was such a thing. My co-worker showed up very, very high. He was also about 6’3″ and 140 pounds, so he stood out in a crowd to begin with. Anyway, he came in for a 4 hour shift, stood in the middle of our bank of checkout registers…and just ate chips. Like, 6 bags of chips back to back, and he ate them SLOW, and savored the shit out of each bite. The whole time he had zero facial expression, think of the dull stare of a chewing dairy cow.

After about 3 hours he calmly turns to me and says “I can’t do this anymore”…gently sets down his bag of chips, and walks out the door. We never saw him in the store again.

Leumas_

14. A Total Mutiny

First job when i was 15 for a discount clothing brand store. Head manager was the aunt of our store manager who was 19. Our store manager did nothing most of the time and used to chat to her boyfriend and friends loudly on the store phone…much to the annoyance of everybody.

One night its come closing, we are grabbing our coats and getting ready to leave after a really busy day and the store manager storms in, telling us how she’s lowered the shutters and wont let us leave until we have helped her finish the one job she had all day to do cos her aunt is doing a “surprise” inspection in the morning. Everyone is pissed, especially the people who have had to watch her do literally nothing all day. She turns spiteful, threatening to delay our pays, dock our wages etc etc. All bullshit. For one woman it was the last straw (she had a kid to pick up from a club) so she waited till she left us alone to work, walked up to the shutters and pulled them up manually by hand. All of us crawled out to freedom.

We left her a note saying “Good luck explaining to your aunt why four people just quit.”

Cactusface987

15. Held Hostage

I was working for Argos as a Christmas job while studying. After a while it was becoming too much as I had to stay in work until deliveries were unpacked; this meant that some days I was leaving for college at 8.30am and not getting home until 1am that night.

One night it was a particularly large delivery and it was getting very late with no end in sight. I decided I’d had enough and told the supervisor I was finished, didn’t want to do the job anymore and wanted to go home. He rejected this and said that I was going nowhere until the delivery was unpacked. I stood in front of him and repeated that I quit therefore I don’t care about the delivery, completing my studies was more important to me than earning a bit of extra cash. He still said I was going nowhere and refused to unlock the door to let me out.

Despite feeling I had a case for false imprisonment I decided to take matters in to my own hands; I ran out the fire escape door and down the street never to return. I’ll always remember the sound of the fire escape door making a big DOOONG as it hit the metal railings and I made my escape to freedom.

StreakyMcMeeky

16. Burning Bridges With Jet Fuel

I worked for a law firm doing research and analysis. I wrote a custom program, on my own time, that would automate editing down these huge lists we’d get from an outside vendor, boiling it down to only what we wanted. First, only my team used the code. By the time I left, over 150 people were using it. Sounds minimal but it was actual a huge time saver. The program would boil down a list ~100 pages long down to about ~10 pages; a process we used to do manually a couple times a day.

A layoff was announced, I was part of the outplacement, but the firm wanted to continue using my program. I asked if there would be compensation as it was coded on my own time, never paid for it, etc. I was told no and “besides, there’s really nothing keeping us from still using it when you’re gone.”

For the remainder of my time (2 years), I would create patches whenever the format of the data changed. With my last patch, I put in code that would disable the program and erase key parts of the program one month after my last day. From what I understand from people still with the firm, on day X everyone came in, booted their machines, and the program was simply gone. Efficiency fell through the floor, delaying opening cases, billing clients, etc. I wanted 10k, they lost more than that in the first week without the program.

Photog1981

17. A Parting Gift To Her Co-Workers

During my exit interview I told HR the real reason I was leaving was due to the quality of the office chairs. I said they were an eyesore, uncomfortable and made me ashamed to come to work and resulted in sub-par job satisfaction.

Two weeks later I was told by previous co-workers everyone got brand new, top of the line office chairs.

jphiz

18. Don’t Piss Off Your Only Cook

At 16 I worked at a Dairy Queen Brazier in Texas. My Manager, was a jerk. One night, I sliced a good chunk of my thumb off because they did not have the proper safety equipment. After being out of work for 3 weeks, I returned to work. My thumb was still pretty screwed up, but I was trying. My Manager kept riding my ass, telling me I had to move faster (I was the only short order cook). When I saw three GreyHound buses pull up, I knew I was in trouble. She came back into the kitchen and said if I didn’t move fast for these buses she’d find someone who would. That was the last straw – I knew no one in the entire restaurant could cook. So I took her up on her threat and simply walked out the back door. She flipped me off as I drove away. My friends told me they hardly got any orders out and the buses left since they couldn’t get the food out. I felt bad for the people on the buses, but was sick of being berated by management.

sunrein

19. Out The Window

I got this.

Worked as a teen for McDonald’s for a month or two during the winter in the 90’s. We were understaffed and they usually had me working the deep sink and taking money at the drive thru. One day I come in at 4pm and the breakfast stuff is pilled to the ceiling at the sink because the day shift rolled out without taking care of it, as per usual.

There was a snowstorm this particular day and with the amount of dishes to do and the increasing frequency of running over and taking money from the window during the dinner rush my hands were beginning to hurt, then going completely numb. I let the manager know this wasn’t working out today and get blown off.

Fuck it, I crawl straight the fuck out of the money window without anyone noticing, at least no one on the staff. I get in my car and drive to the parking lot across the street and watch that dinner rush drive thru line back up out of the lot and down the street.

Seadgs

20. “I Don’t Want To Hear This”

I used to work for a telecommunications company.

My mom was very sick over the last 3 months of her life, so I had to go home most weekends to see her, it’s a 6 hour journey to get from where I worked to the town where I’m from. When her birthday came around, I requested a couple of days off that I had saved for this specific occasion. Yet, the days off were denied because we were approaching a busy time of year for sales. At this point, I hadn’t mentioned what was happening at home, because well, I was always taught that you keep your work and personal lives separate. But I said it to my boss, who, at the time, I saw as a pretty compassionate person. She never took any issue when I got sick or was late for whatever reason. But when I told her, she just looked at me point blank and said “I don’t want to hear this”.

After that meeting, I went back to my desk and sat there for about 20 minutes, thinking of a solution. That solution was to get my things, and just leave. I said goodbye to my friends on my way out, flipped my boss off and just walked out. I went straight to my car and drove back to my home town that night. It was the best decision I ever made.

I got to spend all my time with my mom before she went. We even got to go on a vacation and spend one last week away together because I had the time to do so. I’ll never, ever regret walking out that day.

Not exactly “hilarious”, but I had a good chuckle to myself on that drive home. The look on my boss’s face will never leave me. It was sweet.

IThinkIAmASofa

21. Work Night Turns Into Movie And A Beer

Worked in the cinema as a teenager. Came in late for work after they changed my schedule during my days off and didn’t think to mention it to me. Boss lost it and started shouting at me, as far as I’m concerned if you need to shout I ain’t listening. So let her rant away for a good 15 mins while I was at my locker clearing it out. When it finally clicked that I wasn’t listening or getting ready to work she stopped and asked what I’m doing I said ”going to see Lord of the Rings with the lads who’ve just finished as I’m doing nothing else with my evening. May go for a pint after. What’s your plans?”

definitelynotme_

22. Best Sales Day On His Last Day

I managed to find a telemarketing job as one of my first jobs. It sucked and we were treated like animals, but it was close enough that I could walk there from home. I only intended to stay long enough to afford a car.

One day, I realized that I had reached my set dollar amount for a car purchase. As a joke, I strayed as far from the sales pitch as possible. I changed my greeting to things like “Hey.” or “‘Sup?” I impersonated celebrity voices. People stopped working around me. They just listened in shock.

But it completely backfired.

It was my highest day of sales ever. I sold 10 times my average. The pit boss was bewildered, which is why I wasn’t fired right away (he listened in on all my calls that day). He begged me to stay, but I was out.

ShrugCorporation

23. Fighting The System By Using The System

My boss was a cunt, had me on a disciplinary for something that wasn’t my fault, and had my bonus taken off me. So i found a new job, threw out £2,500 worth of stock as technically the food hadn’t been stored away correctly, went above my boss and got head offices backing, then handed my notice in, knowing that id fucked his bonus up to. FUCK. THAT. GUY.

ssuperhanzz

24. This One Will Renew Your Faith In Humanity

My job at Chick-Fil-A had a tradition of pieing people in the face on their last day. Now I was the manager and didn’t trust the kids not to pie me when taking a complaint or during a rush or something, so I promised them if they’d wait until close in the parking lot, and if they got done cleaning on time, we’d do something special.

So I present to you: The Pie Gauntlet

Instagram Photo

25 Hilarious E-Cards That Say ‘I Miss You’ Better Than You Can

Posted: 18 Sep 2016 04:00 PM PDT

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TC mark

20 Dating Red Flags That Should Make Every Woman Turn And Run

Posted: 18 Sep 2016 03:00 PM PDT

Manik Rathee
Manik Rathee

1. If he appears too good to be true. (*Ahem* he probably is!)

2. If he emphasizes how he can’t see into the future and how you should just live in the present.

3. Likewise, if you just start dating and he starts making plans for the future enthusiastically, like thinking of vacation plans, making long lists of places to go, planning the names of your future kids or appear too eager to marry you.

4. If he just had a recent break up with his ex. Or generally appears to not be over her.

5. If he is constantly on his phone but takes a long time to reply you.

6. If he starts asking or trying to get intimate with you at the early stages instead of trying to get to know you.

7. If he has sex with you but does not hold your hand or want to kiss you.

8. If he only compliments you in how sexy you are and he is very concerned with your physical appearances.

9. If he has zero common interests as you and is perfectly okay with that, or could not care less about it.

10. If his definition of dating means ‘Netflix and chill.’

11. If he put his needs above yours all the time. He expects you to compromises and seldom if never returns the favor.

12. If he has different values and mindset as you. Or a deal breaker you cannot accept.

13. If he never has never been in a serious relationship before.

14. If he wants to jump into a relationship with you without getting to know you first.

15. If he warns you not to fall in love with him as he will break your heart.

16. If he can blow up your phone with text messages and calls and appears over-the-top crazy over you one day, then totally disappears off the face of the earth the next day.

17. If he makes plans with you and doesn’t follow through. And then either apologizes causally and does it again. Or justifies with how busy he is.

18. If he always asks you out last minute and usually at night.

19. If he makes it clear he wants a serious relationship but is engaged in causal ones.

20. If he tells you straight that he is not ready for a relationship. Or shows you in so many ways, he’s just not that into you. TC mark

Read This When Your Heart Feels Heavy

Posted: 18 Sep 2016 02:00 PM PDT

Benjamin Combs
Benjamin Combs

It's okay.

It's okay if you're lying on your bed right now, staring blankly at the ceiling, and about to cry. For the past years, all you ever try to do is to figure out how you'll go about your life. You think that almost everyone around you has figured out theirs, and you're just there, trying not to mess up with whatever you have.

You think you're already doing it right and then for whatever reason, something comes up and you start to blame yourself for it. You know you should have done better, you should have handled it differently, but then again, of course, you would think that you didn't.

I know you're just scared. You're scared because you think you're never good enough. You're scared because you see other people your age already doing well and you're not even halfway good. You're scared because you think about what others will say about you. You're scared to end up failing. You're scared that once they see how much of a failure you are, people will start to leave you, even those who once believed in you. You're scared, and I understand.

But let me tell you this: You'll make it. I swear, you will.

So if you feel like crying right now, it's okay, go ahead and cry. I know you feel like a mess at this moment, but hey, everyone messes up sometimes. So hon, it's okay to feel lost. Because I know you'll eventually find your way out. It's okay if right now you feel like you're not the person you're supposed to be, because I know that you'll figure it out one day.

It's okay if you feel like you've failed yourself and the people you love a lot of times already. One day, after all the tries and failures and cries, you'll finally make it. And you'll see that the people who love you never lost their faith in you.

So at it this point, I am asking you to not give up—never. Your heart may feel heavy right now and your mind may have thousands of thoughts inside, but you have to keep going. You have to, no matter how scary and much of a struggle it may be. I am proud that you found the strength to read this because that means that you're trying to tell yourself that you can do this through all of these words. So if there are times that you feel like you're about to just turn around and give it all up, remember this: You are not a failure. You are on your way. You'll be proud of yourself someday. TC mark

Don’t Pretend That You Don’t Want Love

Posted: 18 Sep 2016 01:00 PM PDT

 @NickBulanovv
@NickBulanovv

Don't pretend that you don't want someone to talk to when you're lonely. Don't pretend that you don’t have some nights when all you want is someone to just listen, someone to be there, someone to understand and someone to hold you as you try to sleep — someone to help you sleep when your head is spinning.

Don't pretend that you don't want good morning and good night texts. Don't act like you don't want to know that you're one someone's mind every morning and every night, that someone cares about your day, your school, your work, your health, your family, your life and someone who truly cares about you.

Don't pretend that you don't want security. Don't pretend that you're satisfied with multiple lovers or meaningless flings or tinder dates. Don't pretend like you don't want a real connection; someone to understand you when you're quiet, someone to support you when you're stressed out, someone to ease your pain when you're down and someone to help you fight your battles. One person who will always be there for you, one person who will not walk away from you and one person who will love you and keep loving you because they're committed to you.

Don't pretend that you don't want happiness. The happiness that only comes with love, the happiness that only comes when two souls truly connect with each other, when two hearts beat for each other, when everything you wished for is standing right in front of you in the form of another human being. Don't pretend you don't want someone who will make you smile no matter how horrible your day was.

Don't pretend that you don't want love because you're guarded or you've been hurt before. You just want a person who fights hard enough for you so you can make sure they will not burn you like the previous ones did.

Don't use your work or your studies or your busy lifestyle as an excuse not to be with someone. You just want the reassurance that someone else will not get in the way of the plans you have for yourself and the dreams you want to follow.

Don't say that your flaws make you hard to love. You just want the person who will love you with all your flaws, the person who won't try to change you, the person who will not run away when they're exposed to the darkest sides of you.

Don't believe that you'll never find love because you've been single for almost all your life. You're just looking for the person who will be worth the wait, the person who will love you even when you're inexperienced or you don’t know what love is and the person who will not make you feel like there's anything wrong with because you’ve never found love.

Don't pretend that you don't want love when it's all you need. Don't pretend that you know what love is when all you ever experienced was pain and heartbreak.

Don't pretend that you're happy with being alone because you gave up on the idea that someone out there will make your life better.

Don't pretend that your dreams will make it hard for you to be with anyone when you've never tried to be with someone who will support every little aspect of your dreams.

Don't say that love is hard when you haven't met someone who makes your life easier. TC mark