Thought Catalog


I Don’t Want You To Make Love To Me

Posted: 25 Sep 2016 09:56 PM PDT

Morre Christophe
Morre Christophe

When people say making love, it really freaks me out. It's like the way some people feel about the word moist. It's uncomfortable, doesn't sit well on my tongue. And to be honest, I'm not really sure when I made this discovery.

It could have been through literature. Television. Torrid stories from my classmates, when I was still just waiting to be kissed for the first time, wondering why I cringed when the first boy I really felt warm, fuzzy, maybe-this-is-forever feelings for touched me, told me we weren't having sex, we were making love. And I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing.

I thought we were going to fuck, what's love got to do it with it?

I guess it's contradictory considering I'm a poet and I drown myself in metaphors. I’m a walking thesaurus for words that sound more romantic.
I like serendipity, the way it almost sounds like singing in my mouth. I should melt at the words making love.

But they make me queasy instead.

I never did feel comfortable with arms holding me. Never did like Nicholas Sparks, and I used to think it was something wrong with me. That when my high school boyfriend surprised me with a fancy dinner and took me dancing under the stars as we listened to Frank Sinatra, my favorite part of that night was when we played some random video game with a title I can't even remember anymore.

It’s this feminine stereotype. This box we place women. That we should like cuddling and expect flowers. Force-fed this knight in shining armor complex, Prince charming syndrome. But I have always been the one to save myself.

I have never been a damsel in distress. Maybe I like coming to my own rescue too much.

I have learned how to love me better than anybody else can.

So maybe I make love every time I choose to get out of bed. Every time I choose to expose bruises to the world, offer my heart as collateral. I make love when someone spits venom in my face, hands me a plate of hatred, and I give them back kindness.

I make love when I care about someone enough to dry my sweaty palms and hold their hand because I know they like it even if most of the time, I don't.

I have no interest in calling penetration love.

Love has penetrated me enough times to know you hurt something over and over again and it will callus over. Scabs form. Skin grows. It doesn't feel much eventually. Phantom limbs, like an appendix, why the fuck are we even born with them anymore? We do fine without them.

So please, do not whisper sweet nothings. They can be dipped in honey but they are still nothings. Like this word,love, that is losing meaning. Maybe I never found the definition with my body tangled in someone.

I will not ask you to make love to me. I will say, “Fuck me.” I will say, “Do you wanna have sex?” I will say some awkward innuendo. But if I ever tell you make love to me, you have to do it with a different body part. TC mark

18 Guys Explain Why They LOVE Going Down On Their Girlfriends

Posted: 25 Sep 2016 08:00 PM PDT

Twenty20, theblissfulbrunette
Twenty20, theblissfulbrunette

1. “I like watching her reaction to everything I do. She gets so into it. And there’s no bigger turn on than seeing my girlfriend turned on.”  Tyler, 23


2. “I don’t get why other guys complain about the taste. Every girl I’ve gone down on was delicious. The smell’s not bad, either. I love sticking my nose in there. It’s… intimate. And super hot.” — Daniel, 26


3. “I like hearing her moans and she never moans more than when I run my tongue across her clit.” — Allen, 22


4. “While I’m down there, she plays with my hair. And when she really likes what I’m doing, she grabs it. It’s pretty sexy.”  Brian, 22


5. “I’m competitive. I like to see how quickly I can make her cum. Or if I can make her cum harder than the last time. It’s like a game for me.”  Nathan, 28


6. “Eating pussy makes me feel powerful. I can give or take away her pleasure with a flick of my tongue. I love to tease her like that.”  Patrick, 20


7. “She’s always so thankful for it. I think it’s cute. Kind’ve sad too, though, because her exes never really went down on her. Most girls don’t get enough oral, I think.”  Dustin, 25


8. “Do I really have to explain it? I’m a straight dude. I like pussy. It looks good. It tastes good. Why the hell wouldn’t I want to go down on her?” — Alec, 18


9. “I waited twenty years to find the right girl to have sex with, so you bet your ass I’m going to put my face in her pussy every chance I get.”  Connor, 24


10. “She does so much for me. Not just in bed. Throughout the day. So eating her out is the least I can do.”  Scott, 29


11. “Oral is the only way she can orgasm. I don’t get to see her O-face during penetration, so I like going down on her and looking up at the last second to see her twitch.” — Kyle, 19


12. “It’s my favorite type of foreplay. I eat her out, make her cum, and then fuck her. That way, she gets her orgasm and I get mine.”  Joel, 23


13. “Women have told me how much better a tongue feels than a penis, and I want to make my woman as happy as possible. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her.” — Dalton, 20


14. “She does this thing where she squeezes her thighs against my face when she climaxes. I fucking love it.”  Marco, 25


15. “I love her body, and I love seeing it from all different angles. During oral, I get to look at her in a way I normally wouldn’t during sex. It’s a nice change.” — Evan, 27


16. “I mean, obviously I want to make her wet and the easiest way to do that is to suck on her clit a little. Maybe thrust my tongue into her hole. She likes it, so I like it.”  Parker, 27


17. “My girlfriend’s hot. I want to touch her whenever I can, wherever I can. Eating her pussy makes me just as horny as fucking her does.”  Rafael, 26


18. “After I go down on her, she always goes down on me. So I guess I enjoy it for selfish reasons.”  Clay, 21 TC mark

This Is The Kind Of Guy It Will Never Work Out With, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Posted: 25 Sep 2016 07:00 PM PDT

@krissana_renae
@krissana_renae

Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

It will never work out with a homebody. If his dream Saturday night involves the words “binge watch” or his favorite apparel is sweatpants, you will never be a match made in heaven. You’ll have fun with him, sure, but you can have fun with anybody — and wouldn’t you want to have fun with someone who doesn’t hold you back from being the adventurous, exciting person you are?

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

It will never work out with the guy who won’t express his feelings. YOU get the be the one who is reluctant to be all mushy, if both of you are that way it will be an eternal standoff. Taurus, you need someone to balance you out, not a twin. Find someone who can open up, even if it embarrasses you, even if it’s hard to get used to. You will feel stable and secure in each other’s love and have a super solid foundation to build an incredible future on.

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

It will never work out with the pessimist guy. You are fundamentally an exciting, passionate, positive person. For you, the world is bursting open with possibilities and options, and all of them look good. You don’t need someone’s negativity holding you back. You can’t survive someone’s negativity holding you back.

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

It will never work out with the guy with a short temper. You, loving Cancer, are too soft to deal with someone with so many rough edges. You’ll be exhausted by talking them down or by unintentionally doing the one thing you hate the most — letting down one of the people you love. You need to date a soft person, one who understands your gentle nature and won’t fly off the handle when they misunderstand you.

Leo

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

It will never work out with a guy who competes with you. You want to be the star and you need someone who is okay with that. You need a cheerleader who loves when you succeed, not someone who feels insecure — or like it takes away from what he has. You’ll never be happy if you’re holding yourself back. You don’t deserve to have to do that.

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

It will never work out with a lazy guy. You, Virgo, are so motivated and together and a general inspiration to 20-something hot messes everywhere. Why would you dumb yourself down? Why would you let yourself date a guy with a quality you would never tolerate in yourself? You can’t do that if you’re honest with yourself. Even if his laid-backness is appealing, even if you feel like he “balances” you out. Opposites can attract, but only if they respect their opposing values.

Libra

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

It will never work out with a guy who’s paranoid. It’s understandable to be slow to trust if you’ve been cheated on before or had your heart ripped out — but you, Libra, can only wait so long. You are the most trustworthy sign in the Zodiac and you pride yourself on how good you are to those you love. You won’t be able to relax around someone who can’t appreciate this, you won’t be able to give one of your favorite things to give — your loyalty — because this person simply won’t accept it. And it has nothing to do with you. You need to find someone who is ready to open up and accept the love you are ready to give.

Scorpio

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

It will never work out with the guy who tries to change you. You are the person you have become because you fought your way through everything that stood in your way. The wrong guy will try to “tame” this. He’ll use all sorts of words like being grown up or professional — but what he’ll mean is that the person you are is somehow wrong. You know he’s wrong, even if he makes you doubt yourself. Lose him.

Sagittarius

(November 23rd to December 21st)

It will never work out with a guy who can’t take a joke. If he’s too conservative to laugh at himself, he’s too much of a prude for you. You’re the most fun sign in the Zodiac, you can’t be tied to someone who sees this as a flaw, not a talent.

Capricorn

(December 22nd to January 20th)

It will never work out with the man child. He makes you feel good, he makes you laugh, he can even really love you. But honey, know yourself. You want someone whose success inspires you. You don’t want to be someone’s mom. If you stay with him, you’ll resent him from holding you back from your power couple dreams.

Aquarius

(January 21st to February 18th)

It will never work out with someone who isn’t at least a little bit cerebral. You’re not traditional and you think for yourself and even when you’re trying not to be an intellectual snob you still demand these qualities out of the people you choose to respect. Not everyone is smart and not everyone is interested in smart people things, that’s fine, but they aren’t the people for you. They aren’t your people, and this isn’t your guy.

Pisces

(February 19th to March 20th)

It will never work out with a guy who thinks art is dumb. He doesn’t have to be as sensitive and creative as you are (who is?) but he has to have an appreciation for whatever it is you do. He can’t think it’s just a hobby and he can’t think it’s silly. Date a Renaissance man. Date someone who takes you seriously. At the end of the day you’ll only be able to respect someone who respects you. TC mark

11 People Talk About The Crazy-Ass Times A Friend Tried To Steal Their Significant Other

Posted: 25 Sep 2016 06:00 PM PDT

Look Catalog
Look Catalog

1. Forgot to invite me…

Something similar happened to me with a friend. He was not a very close friend but I hung out with him a lot because he was new in town and I wanted him to meet people.

He started inviting my girlfriend to drinks and forgetting to invite me as well. She let me know and he acted like it was all a misunderstanding. Time has passed and my girlfriend of the time and myself broke up and are both in new relationships. I still talk to her and apparently he tried his luck with her as soon as we broke up, and when she turned him down tried to hook up with her best friend. Now he tries to invite me to hang out every now and then and doesn’t take the hint when I don’t answer.

Classy guy.

— YouMightGetIdeas

2. I was literally so close.

I wouldn’t call it a relationship but a close friend in college did snatch a girl I was working on literally after we got back from our first date. She wanted ice cream and they had some at his apartment and then somehow they ended up over there having ice cream and fucking. Just a one night stand sort of thing. Ironically afterward she spread some pretty nasty rumors about his dick size and endurance level.

Like I said it wasn’t my girlfriend or anything, but I was pretty pissed and our friendship was never quite the same again despite there never being any sort of confrontation or blow up over the incident. In fact, we’re the only two in that friendship group that actually live in the same city and we don’t speak. In hindsight, she chose to do this so I can’t exactly put the full weight of it on him either.

— Klx3908

3. Sweet talk

Yes, decades ago. He smooth-talked her into the sack while I was away, she went along with it, and I haven’t seen either of them since.

— handshape

4. This kid has no class

Sophomore year of college my girlfriend told me one of my friends was hitting on her and it was starting to creep her out. I had known the guy probably 10 years and though he was a good guy and basically told her that he had to just be messing with her. We were all at a party and she calls my phone and when I answer I hear her and this guy talking and figure she must have it on speaker.

I’ll give the guy a little credit he was laying it on thick even with her trying to shut it down. When I came in the room he jumps back away from her and tries to tell me she was coming on to him. I showed him my phone and told him I heard it all and he should leave. That was the last time I talked to him.

— Quiet_Lover

5. “Fucking my boyfriend under my roof”

Yeah. Best friend was fucking my boyfriend under my roof when we all lived together. Boyfriend slipped and called me her pet name once and I asked her the next day. She started it with “don’t be mad…”

So that turned into him sleeping in her bedroom once I had now found out, but he would still crawl in bed with me if her and I weren’t working the same schedule that day.

Eventually, she joins the Air Force. When she came back from basic training, he tried to trap her at his mom’s house way out in the middle of nowhere (she sold her car prior knowing she wouldn’t be stationed near where we lived) and I ended up having to drive out to pick her up like she was escaping a polygamist lifestyle in Colorado City or something. She managed to sneak out and I had to take my parent’s car so he wouldn’t immediately recognize me driving by to find wherever she was hiding on the side of the road with her shit.

It was really weird and not a side I had ever seen of him in the three years I had known him. He was really torn up about her leaving and played all these stupid sappy Coldplay songs and shit.

They were off and on while she did her specialized training stuff. At some point she flew him out to her (one way ticket) when they had started talking again after a few years. She told me she sent him home the next day after making him sleep on the sofa.

He’s still just as lame as when we were together nearly 15 years ago. Four kids with four different baby mommas in three states. No child support on any of them, but he does love with momma #4, so I guess that counts. He’s doing some tile apprenticeship now and is all excited about how he finally has a career and constantly was posting all the jobs he was doing before he unfriended me for the dozenth time. (I liked keeping him on FB for the lulz.)

— penguin_apocalypse

6. He told my GF that I was leading her away from God

This guy has been one of my best friends ever since I can remember, but a few years ago, I was seeing a girl. I mean, seeing isn’t a strong enough word, we’d been together for over a year at that point, and were connected at the hip, practically. At the time, my buddy was going through a lot of really weird spiritual stuff that I’ll never understand, but he had plans on going to the seminary. One night, me and her got really drunk, (he was sober) and he separated her from me and told her that I was ‘leading her away from God,’ and that the ‘path that followed me led straight to hell.’ He told her that if she left me, he’d leave the seminary to be with her.

She reacted horribly, I’m pretty sure she hit him, and she came back to me and hid behind me the rest of the night. I didn’t know what happened until a week later, because me and him had a road trip planned and she didn’t want to ruin it. This ended up being part of what split us up; I just wanted to cut him out of my life, and she wanted me to beat the shit out of him. But I figured beating his ass would have been evidence that I WAS truly a terrible person in his head.

He’s still a good friend, but we never, ever talk about this. If he ever does say anything about it, I’m just going to ignore it. She ended up losing what made me care about her, and he ended up being a holier-than-thou jackass. I didn’t leave her until 6 months later, but I should have known it was over that night. I lost the two most important people to me that night, and a little over two years later, I still haven’t really recovered. But I’m trying.

— JustHadaGusgasm

7. Got dumped for D&D guy

He wasn’t a super close friend but he was a friend. I was in an exclusive relationship with “Charlotte” for about eight months who, among other things, was into probability-based RPGs (Dungeons & Dragons, etc). I knew how to play those games but wasn’t into them. My friend “Mark” was very into them — painted figurines, costumes while playing, the whole deal. Whenever we were in a social situation Charlotte and Mark would invariably end up talking shop to each other about these games. They traded phone numbers and Charlotte would occasionally join in on one of Mark’s games. I was not at all threatened by this given that several of my other friends were also playing the same games at the same time.

For her birthday, we made plans to meet at a movie theater to see a film, then head off to a nice dinner afterward. On the day of her birthday, I went to the theater as planned…and was stood up. Charlotte never showed up. (This was prior to the days of cell phones.) I drove home and called her up but got her machine so I left a message. I left one or two more messages before going to bed.

Early the following morning, still not having heard from her, I drove to Mark’s house. I knew that the night before was Mark’s regular game night and intended on asking him if he’d heard from Charlotte. I pulled into his driveway to discover Charlotte’s car there, with morning dew still on the stone-cold hood. She’d spent the night there.

I drove home, then called Mark. When he answered I simply said, “Let me talk to her.” About a minute later she got on the phone. I asked her if she had anything to say to me, and she was silent. I asked her if she loved Mark, and she said she didn’t know. I told her good-bye. She told me to wait, then paused, and said that she did love him. I said good-bye again. That was the last time I spoke to her. Later on that day I learned that several of my friends knew there was something building between them but said nothing, and over the next day or so the gossip engine kicked in and my entire social circle knew what happened. Not too long after that, I dropped out from that social circle altogether, for that and other reasons.

Much later on — like, 10+ years later — I found out that Charlotte had sequentially dated/fooled around with/fucked many (9 confirmed people, several others suspected) of the male population of my social circle over the course of about 18 months following our breakup. As a result, she was instrumental in spreading a few STIs amongst them.

— bubonis

8.

He was my roommate.

I was dating a somewhat unstable girl who was raised by a single dad. She was a stage five clinger and we had plenty of problems as a couple.

They “developed a friendship” based around complaining about me. He fed her info on every bad thing I did when she wasn’t there, with intent to get her to cheat on my with him.

She did cheat on me, but not with him — he was repulsive. I dumped both of them.

— SacredWeapon

9. This actually worked out pretty well

Yes, I had a friend who hooked up with a girl I was seeing. We weren’t quite in a relationship, but definitely dating. Enough so that when it happened she told him not to tell me since she likes me. Sure, it sucked when I found out; but, I can’t imagine his feelings when she told him that.

Luckily, I found out about 3 months after her and I ended things (she didn’t want a relationship with me but was very honest about it). We’re all still friends. He’s still my best buddy. Her and I talk occasionally but were pretty good friends when I was still in the same state. I ended up making out with her a few more times, so did my buddy and her.

— mudra311

10. I punched him in the face

It wasn’t a close friend but in high school one of my friends would message my girlfriend how much he loved her and how she’d be better off with him over me.

I told him to stop, he refused, so I punched him in the face. We fought, and when my girlfriend found out about it later, she broke up with me because she didn’t like me fighting.

— frumious88

11. I was the “other man”

This all happened about a year ago. I met a friend of a friend and his wife and we all became really tight. She’s a sex coach and also a masseuse so I would go get massages and then hang out or we’d all go rock climb together. She and I have the same sexual fetishes and he doesn’t. Also, they’re in a sort of open relationship where they have a girlfriend. She started coming on to me pretty hard. Flirty messages, letters, sexual comments.

Anyway, one night she tells me he’s cool with us playing just doesn’t want to know what we do. I think it’s believable. I was naive. I held the guilt for six months before deciding it was best to tell him. I didn’t tell him she lied. He hates me now and I think he may have been the best friend I’ve ever had. Never convince yourself that something is true even if a hot naked girl is telling you.

— kalmned TC mark

14 Women Reveal What Finally Got Them To Stop Texting Their Ex Back

Posted: 25 Sep 2016 05:00 PM PDT

@prozipix
@prozipix

1. “Saw him on Tinder two days after he had called me on the phone, acting all emotional and dramatic, talking about how he ‘wanted me back.’ And I’m actually really happy that this happened. It was just the catalyst I needed to realize he was the worst.”

–Lela, 24

2. “My mom told me I was a shell of myself anytime I was around him or talking to him and that did it for me.”

–Tasha, 24

3. “I had this bizarrely casual epiphany while I was sitting at my desk at work. I had wasted the whole weekend sitting on my couch waiting to hear from him because he had said he wanted to see me again and meet me out. But then he ‘got caught up with stuff’ both nights. My coworker asked what I had done over the weekend and I turned bright red and made something up. And right after that I just had like a FUCK HIM moment. I deleted him out of my contacts, blocked his number, and haven’t spoken to him since.”

–Maya, 25

4. “He basically implied that he was doing me a favor by coming back to me but phrased it in a way where he assumed I would take it as a compliment. Because he’s a self-centered moron like that. That’s when I knew that if I had an ounce self-respect left, I had to be DONE.”

–Kellie, 23

5. “He posted a pic of him and his new girlfriend on Instagram. And a lot of the times you can tell that ex’s are doing this to start drama or to rub it in your face, but it didn’t feel like that this time. It was like I could finally see that he was honestly happy and that was when I knew it was time to let go. It was still horrible, but at least my brain knew to move on.”

–Lora, 26

6. “He said he wanted to ‘keep things casual this time around.’ Right after he had slept with me. I told him to get the fuck out and to never call me again. He texted me a few more times (at 2 in the morning of course) but I never answered him again. Which felt fantastic.”

–Gretchen, 27

7. “My little sister is what got me to stop. He had done so many shitty things to me and she was always my sounding board. And when I told her I was texting him again she just looked so disappointed with me that it killed me. So I ended it. I didn’t want her to think I was pathetic.”

–Trace, 24

8. “My best friend knew I was texting him again and had always kept her mouth shut about it. And then one night I was getting upset about how he was texting me even though he was still with the girl he had cheated on me with, and she just lost it and was yelling about how I was wasting my life chasing after some asshole who did nothing but hurt me. It was like a slap in the face… but a much needed slap in the face.”

–Elisa, 27

9. “He said he wanted to start seeing me again but that we shouldn’t tell anyone, so we could ‘keep the pressure off.’ I looked him in the eye and said ‘how fucking stupid do you think I am?’ I know this sounds dramatic, but I was instantly unattracted to him after that.”

–Karla, 24

10. “It actually was my therapist. She said I was addicted to the high of the ‘we shouldn’t be doing this’ excitement of it all. That talking to him again was making me feel powerful and loved but that it was all a false, temporary high and that the crash would be so much worse than the ‘fun part’ of it. Hearing it put into such blunt, matter-of-fact words was what opened my eyes to the fact that I was gonna seriously regret this if I didn’t stop.”

–Claire, 29

11. “My friend told me to tally up how many times he had made me cry versus how many times I was happy around him. If you need a good kick in the pants when you’re trying to let go of a shitty guy, that’ll do it for you.”

–Faye, 26

12. “I met a better one. Who made my ex look like a complete idiot and a worthless piece of crap.”

–Jeanne, 23

13. “We had stayed ‘friends’ because we had all the same friends. Aka we still hooked up even though we had ‘broken up’ but he still treated me like crap – flirting with other girls right in front of me, only paying attention to me when he was drunk, etc. And then one night we all went out for my best friend’s birthday and I had to stay sober because I was on antibiotics. He got absolutely wasted and I got to see – with clear eyes- how much of a total slob and pathetic mess he is when he drinks. And that was the final straw I needed to call it quits. He’s tried to get back with me so many times and each time I’m more and more repulsed by him. Feels so great, and powerful.”

–Meghan, 22

14. “I could feel myself constantly making excuses for him and saw the disappointment on my friends’ faces that I just could not let it go. And each time I wanted to talk about it, their eyes glazed over more and more. Not because they were bad friends, but because I was a freaking broken record. I was tired of feeling pathetic and desperate for him. So I told him to stop texting me, and even though I missed that attention for a bit, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.”

–Cass, 26 TC mark

15 Things Girls Say When They’re Not That Into You

Posted: 25 Sep 2016 04:00 PM PDT

 Adriana Michele
Adriana Michele

1. I have so many things going on this weekend, maybe another time. If a girl likes you, she'll make time for you during the weekend or ask you to join her wherever she's going.

2. I'm so forgetful, I always forget to text people back. Translation: She just doesn't want to text you.

3. Awwww. What she uses when she doesn't want to flirt back.

4. LOL. Her polite way of ending the conversation with you on a positive note.

5. I'm still not over my ex. Translation: I could probably get over him when I meet someone else I'm super interested in.

6. You're like a brother to me, I don't want to lose our friendship. The classic friend zone line.

7. I think I just need to be single for a while, I've always moved from one relationship to another. Because she LIKES relationships, she just doesn’t want one with you.

8. I'm talking to someone else right now. She's totally not but she would like to be.

9. There is no spark between us. Translation: I'm not physically attracted to you.

10. I'm just really lost right now and I need to find myself. But if someone I really likes shows up, I won't say no.

11. Don't post that picture of us on instagram. Translation: I don't want anyone to think we're dating.

12. The timing is just not right. I just got out of a serious relationship/I need to focus on my career/ I am trying to move to a new city. EXCUSES. LIES. BS

13. Let's ALL hangout. Insert 'all' as a hint that you two will never hang out alone.

14. I think you and (insert another girl's name) would look really cute together. Translation: I want to make sure you know there's no chance between us and I'm not leading you on.

15. No response. I don't want to even be your friend. You're officially ghosted.

Check out what guys say when they’re not that into you. TC mark

10 Men Reveal The Brutal Truth About Why They Cheated On People They Loved

Posted: 25 Sep 2016 03:00 PM PDT

Shaun Menary / Lightstock
Shaun Menary / Lightstock

1. “This isn’t an excuse at all, but we were in a long distance relationship. I was really lonely one night and drank a bit more than I usually did. I woke up in some random girl’s bed the next morning.”  — Rick, 25

2. “We hadn’t had sex for at least six months.”  — Nate, 23

3. “I was falling out of love with my girlfriend and I knew we weren’t going to last very long. I know it was a dick move but, I thought, why not just take the lead in the breakup.”  — Paul, 29

4. “It didn’t mean anything. I know everyone says that, but this random girl at the bar started eyeing me up and down. I bought her a drink. And she wanted me. I had never felt so special in my whole life.”  —  Tim, 21

5. “I was successful. I had a big ego. I could get any girl I wanted. My girlfriend and I were in deep water after a fight and I went out that night with my buds who kind of egged me on to kiss one of the exotic dancers. Well, one thing lead to another and honestly? I don’t regret it.”  — Lucas, 33

6. “This girl and I had been talking for a while. I told her all about how my girlfriend was super controlling. She told me about her abusive relationship. I felt so connected to her that I didn’t even think about the cheating factor. We are happily married now. I don’t regret it because then we would never be together right now.”  — Sam, 35

7. “I had always wanted to have a really hot affair. When I met her, my world changed. She lit me up in a way my wife had never done. Do I partly regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Yes.”  — Cody, 27

8. “It was just one kiss. She kissed me and I got caught up in the moment. But, it didn’t mean anything. It really didn’t. ”  — Brent, 24

9. “It had absolutely nothing to do with my significant other. She was wonderful and our sex life was great. It had everything to do with me. I was selfish. It helped my ego. That’s why I did it. And I will regret it everyday for the rest of my life.”  — Chris, 31

10. “Honestly? I don’t know. I guess I had low self esteem. I wanted to feel needed. I wanted to feel sexy. But, damn. I messed up a wonderful and beautiful relationship. And I hate myself for that.” — Nick, 22 TC mark

75 Great Hygiene Tips To Practice So You Aren’t Smelly And Disgusting

Posted: 25 Sep 2016 02:00 PM PDT

Daniella Urdinlaiz / lookcatalog
Daniella Urdinlaiz / lookcatalog
Found on AskReddit.

1. Scrub behind your ears.

"As someone who used to be a hairstylist, please scrub behind your ears! More people than you think forget to clean the crease behind their ears and have yellow/white/sometimes green if it hasn’t been cleaned in a really long time gunk in the fold behind their ears! It’s really nasty and smells."

pcbzelephant


2. Wash your arse crack in the shower.

"Wash your arse crack in the shower. It’s one of the sweatiest parts of your body."

granular101


3. Scrape your tongue, all the gunk off.

"Scrape your tongue, all the gunk off. It’s what causes bad breath. Eh, srsly! Daily."

spheeno


4. Piss on your feet every time you shower.

"If you’re prone to smelly feet, piss on them every time you shower. The urea kills bacteria. Remember to wash them afterwards, though :)."

cunt-hooks


5. Wash your mildew-ridden towels!

"Wash your mildew-ridden towels!

There are a ton of people that seemingly can’t smell mildew, and they’re clueless as to how bad they stink. I meet a handful of people each week that reek of it. If you have a towel that you use each day after showering, and haven’t changed in weeks, chances are high that it’s covered with the stuff.

Wet and damp areas are the perfect breeding ground for mildew, keep your towels dry, and swap them out/wash them regularly."

Vadoff


6. Swish some coconut oil around in your mouth for a few minutes every morning.

"Swish some coconut oil around in your mouth for a few minutes every morning. It’s called oil pulling and it’s very good for you."

HotGobbin


7. Clean your feet thoroughly when you shower.

"When you shower, really clean your feet. Get in between your toes, underneath, etc. Make sure you clean them thoroughly!"

burritobattlefield


8. Use a washcloth.

"Use a washcloth. You will notice a difference in how clean you smell at the end of the day versus just soaping yourself with the bar. Cloth removes a lot more grime and dirt than just water running over you."

murder1


9. After showering, dry your undercarriage off with a fan.

"After a shower, I stand or squat over my fan for a minute to air dry my undercarriage, especially in the summer. It’s a glorious feeling."

BlueGreenandBrown


10. Cut your fingernails every Thursday.

"Cut your fingernails every Thursday, so they’ll be dull by Friday night."

ronnoceel


11. Wash your hands after using the toilet.

"Wash your hands after using the toilet…it’s horrifying how popular it is to not do this. You never know what the person you are shaking hands with was doing with them…"

Scarlet_Evans


12. Change your sheets at least once a week!

"Change your sheets at least once a week! It’ll help with keeping your hair less oily, skin less smelly, and help protect against body acne!"

Rios5


13. Clean your belly button using soap on your finger.

"Put a little soap on your finger, then stick it in your belly button, and then rinse the soap out.

1. It cleans the belly button. Belly buttons can get AWFULLY stinky.

2. If you push hard enough it makes a funny tingly feeling in your pee pee and you giggle."

iTerence16


14. Keep your pubes trimmed. They won’t be so smelly.

"Keep your pubes trimmed. They won’t be so smelly. It’s the hair that traps all the stink."

thewhitedeath


15. DO NOT put soap in your vaginas.

"Folks with vaginas: DO NOT put soap, 'cleansing wash,' or douche (in) there. For the outside (vulva—labia, under the clitoral hoos), you can scrub (gently!) with warm water and get things clean; fingers are fine, but you can also use a soft washcloth if you want (again, be gentle!). Your bits do NOT need to smell like artificial fragrance, roses, or whatever the hell people think they 'should' smell like—your genitals have their own unique smell and as long as you pay a little attention to their cleanliness during your daily shower or bath, you should be fine. (If you’ve got a weird discharge or something, see a doctor.)"

grow_a_new_heart


16. Guys, clean your mouth before going down on a woman.

"Guys: Please keep your mouth clean (brush/floss/mouthwash), especially if you’re going to go down on a woman. The bacteria from your mouth could cause vaginosis or a UTI in women (who should always remember to pee after sex!)."

inconceivable_orchid


17. A Tucks witch hazel wipe will cure BO when you’re on the road.

"Carry a Tucks witch hazel wipe (they come in individual packs for travel) at all times. A quick wipe in the armpits will kill all odor-causing bacteria. You can also use it on your nether-regions if, say, you’re nearing the end of a date that’s going well."

whosthedoginthisscen


18. Clean out your nose after every shower.

"Clean out your nose after every shower—give it the ‘ol tissue screwdriver in each nostril. Voila, no more boogers."

Senor_Ding-Dong


19. Wash your makeup brushes!

"For the people who wear makeup—wash your makeup brushes! Especially the ones you use for foundation/powder/etc. The amount of dirt that gets up in them is unreal. Obviously if you’re wearing it every day it’s not practical to wash them after every use as they need time to dry, but cleaning them weekly will make a huge difference to your skin and how good your makeup looks! It’s pretty easy and not too time consuming to wash them—I use a bar of soap and warm water, and then give them a spray with a mild sanitizer specially for makeup brushes that only cost me about £5."

mrpadfoot


20. Try a sugar scrub once in a while.

"Besides basic maintenance, try a sugar scrub once in a while, no matter your gender. ESPECIALLY if you have dry skin. It gets all the dead crap off and leaves your skin super-huggable and soft, especially if you choose to shave afterward. You can make your own easily with 3/4 cup sugar, 1/4 cup oil (I like coconut) mixed with a few drops of your favorite essential oil or even some vanilla. Use it to exfoliate your skin, and then in the shower scrub it off well to remove the skin the sugar rubbed off as well as to remove the oily residue. When you get out of the shower, moisturize and voila!"

WitchNextDoor


21. If you're uncut, please wash under the foreskin.

"If you're uncut, please wash under the foreskin and when you brush your teeth also brush your tongue."

WINSTON


22. If you use a shared shower, wear flip-flops.

"If you use a shared shower (gym, dorm), wear flip-flops. Foot fungus takes several months’ diligent treatment. And you don’t know how often it’s cleaned."

serafinapekala


23. Get a bidet.

"Get a bidet. They are like $25 on Amazon and hook up to your toilet in 15 minutes. It will change your life and you will worship me as a god. Why, you ask? Imagine, if you will, what it would be like if you got human excrement in your hair. Would you just nonchalantly wipe some of it off with a piece of paper and call it good enough? Or would you actually wash that shit outta there with a jet of water to get yourself squeaky clean? Also, they have travel bidets which is just a bottle with a nozzle and is pretty alright.

Changing the World, one Bidet at a Time."

dstroud


24. Clean the outer region of your ear canal

"Clean the outer region of your ear canal. I have a friend who never does (even with gentle prompting) and it accumulates so heavily it actually has started to drip down near her earlobes. :("

SmellOfKokain


25. Use hydrogen peroxide to cure armpit BO.

"If you get BO in your armpits that doesn’t go away after showering, use hydrogen peroxide. Wet your pits and put like 1/2 teaspoon of peroxide on each side and leave it for like ten minutes. Then shower like normal. This kills off the onion/chicken soup odor by killing colonized bacteria. It took me decades to figure this out. Also, trimming the hair and using a hair dryer to fully dry also helps."

kmpdx


26. Put baby powder on your ballsack after a shower, gentlemen!

"Put baby powder on your ballsack after a shower, gentlemen! Keeps em’ smooth, dry, and nice smelling. The white powdery look even fades away after a couple of hours so no one can tell. Pairs well with shaven balls."

Catatonic27


27. Please dab off your penis after peeing.

"Gentlemen when urinating in a toilet, please dab it off with toilet paper after you pee. After living in an all-male household, I’ve come to realize that shaking it off after you use the bathroom is every bit as disgusting as not washing your hands. You are literally throwing little droplets of urine all over the place."

RadFNP


28. Use wet wipes after toilet paper.

"Use wet wipes after toilet paper. Seriously. Rub/melt some chocolate onto the underside of your forearm. Then try wipe it off with a dry tissue. Give it a sniff. I bet you can still smell the chocolate. Then go over it with a wet wipe, 'chocolate' smell and brown smudge now gone."

Mirplayer


29. Women, you need to be airing out your Gigi.

"If you are a woman, sleep without undies or PJs. You need to be airing out your Gigi whenever and wherever you can. So says my mom."

thundercontrol


30. Brush your teeth twice a day for at least a few minutes!

"Brush your teeth twice a day for at least a few minutes! I’m disgusted with the amount of people who brush once a day for a minute and then end up having cavities. And brush your tongue! Or be a freak like me and brush for 5-10 minutes twice a day, followed by a tongue scraping. God, it feels so good."

JaysanAhsira


31. Buy a Waterpik.

"Hate flossing (or simply don’t do it)? Buy a Waterpik. It’s easier than flossing, more effective, and actually feels good."

HimDoGoodSnuSnu


32. Don’t wait until someone else tells you how bad you smell.

"You are a bad judge of if/how you smell. If someone intimates you are anything less than fresh-smelling, take it as a certainty you stink. If someone actually mentions your BO/bad breath/sweat/stank of any kind, then 50 people have smelled you before this brave soul said anything. Thank them."

PrivilegeCheckmate


33. Guys with long hair need to wash it regularly with shampoo and conditioner.

"Guys with long hair need to wash it regularly with shampoo and conditioner. Horribly greasy hair stinks and it just makes you look like you need a shower."

Swordfish1929


34. Trim your facial hair before you’re eating it.

"As a bearded man, I suggest everyone wash and trim that thing. If your mustache is growing into your mouth, either use wax to train it or cut that shit out of your mouth. That’s disgusting to be face-to-face with someone with a mouth full of hair."

daleto


35. Don’t pick at your pimples.

"Don’t pick at your pimples. It will leave permanent scarring and will even cause more pimples to form in that area."

Wilixx81


36. Drink more water for cleaner wipes.

"Drink more water for cleaner wipes."

2540


37. Be aware of how badly your pets stink.

"If you have pets, especially ones with hair, you need to also bathe them in a consistent manner while cleaning your place in a consistent manner due to shedding.

If you don’t, you will smell like your pet and your place will smell like pet even if you can’t smell it and you wash your clothes— you will smell like pet.

To clarify, not all pets need the exact same bathing. I’m not in any way saying to inappropriately bathe your pet when you shouldn’t. Dogs depend on your dog breed. Cats usually don’t need bathing. Find out how to take care of your pet appropriately as YMMV. But yes, your pet may actually need to be bathed and your place needs to be cleaned more often than others without pets if you have one roaming around."

kirbyfox312


38. Clean behind your ears, especially if you wear glasses.

"Clean behind your ears, especially if you wear glasses. Shit’s nasty."

baconbitarded


39. Don’t smell like ass.

"BO is nothing. The worst is smelling like ass. I was next to a 300 guy on a flight with an empty seat between us and I almost threw up for like 5 hours. I kept using little squirts of Purel and surreptitiously scratching my nose just to change the smell. If you’re that heavy, carry baby wipes. They work to freshen up down there after bathroom visit. Make sure you’re dry, too. Staying wet down there will produce the worst breeding ground for smells and infections. And a little zinc-based baby ointment around your a-hole will also protect you from sweat and skin infections and improve and prevent smells."

EvidenceBase2000


40. Use baby wipes.

"I actually picked this up from my girlfriend: Buy baby wipes and use 1-2 after you finish wiping with toilet paper. It really cleans what the toilet paper can’t clean."

GreedoIsHere


41. Spray your pits with hand sanitizer.

"If you forget to wear deodorant or if you’re in a public place and sweating more than usual for some reason and you are starting to smell, spray your pits with hand sanitizer. The hand sanitizer kills the bacteria that makes the strong stink. You’ll still sweat, but you won’t smell bad."

wyndrydr


42. Trim. Your. Toenails.

"Trim. Your. Toenails.

This will protect against so many medical issues, from ingrown toenails which will stink horribly, get infected, and look and feel awful. And also wont allow gunk to build up under said nails causing awful smells to surround you like that dust cloud surrounding Pig-Pen in Peanuts

Also, have you ever seen what can happen to your toenails if they get smashed inwards by something and they are untrimmed? They can get stabbed into your toe, and they break into multiple big pieces exposing the sensitive and bloody flesh under them, or break in half and dangle around exposing said flesh. It's not pretty.

I've seen so many attractive people, then I notice they are wearing sandals, or flip-flops. And their nails look like some sort of claw you’d see on a Dark Souls creature, and it immediately makes me to want to vomit. Don't be that person with nasty-ass toenails. Please."

McFatts


43. Ladies: DO NOT DOUCHE!!!

"Ladies: DO NOT DOUCHE!!! It’s actually really terrible for you! Your vagina is self-cleaning; that’s why it’s acidic. Douching can mess up your pH and cause all sorts of wackiness. If you feel like you have an odd scent or odd discharge, drink more water and go to the ob/gyn!"

Ac0rn83


44. Vigorously scrub that taint.

"Vigorously scrub that taint."

mjbstd17


45. Brush your teeth after lunch.

"Brush your teeth after lunch. Seriously, the amount of people that only brush after they wake up and before going to bed is astounding. It helps with both your mouth/teeth health and it’s less awful when you’re talking to someone with a shitty breath."

DefiantHermit


46. Change your pillow covers at least one a week.

"Change your pillow covers at least one a week; it’ll do wonders to stop breakouts."

beefer


47. Shave your asshole.

"Shave your asshole. You won’t believe how easier it is to wipe away shit when you’re not also navigating through a jungle of tangled-up hair."

SquidwardBarrett


48. Regularly change your bedding!

"Regularly change your bedding! Especially your pillowcase. It does wonders for your skin."

CartoonDogOnJetpack


49. Get a cosmetic mirror, even if you’re a man.

"Get a cosmetic mirror, even if you’re a man. You’ll never realize how nasty your teeth are till you see them with 10x magnification. Also, they are super useful for shaving."

StrongPMI


50. Use rubbing alcohol for your armpits.

"Bacteria on the skin generate smell, not sweat itself. Use rubbing alcohol for your armpits and trim/shave your armpit."

bananalingerie


51. Clean your whole mouth when you brush, not just your teeth.

1. Clean your whole mouth when you brush, not just your teeth. Do gumline, gums, roof of mouth and tongue. All the little nooks and crannies. An electric toothbrush with a small head will do much better at cleaning the very back of your mouth than an acoustic toothbrush. Also floss. A lot of the surface area inside your mouth is actually between the teeth. There’s no point cleaning only half of your mouth. That’s like only washing half of a dirty plate.

2. Wash your clothes properly. Deodorants can ‘clag’ up in the underarm area of shirts. Even if it’s not obviously visible, even a small amount of old deodorant can hold onto that horrid BO smell and release it when the fabric is made warm—like when you wear it.

The BO smell is cause by bacterial activity. Treat it as such:

Turn the shirt inside-out and lay it on a waterproof surface (bath, kitchen counter, similar). Boil the kettle, then pour a small amount of boiling water on the underarm areas of the shirt. Next, rub a small amount of biological laundry liquid into the underarm areas of the shirt. Leave to soak in for a few minutes, then put shirt through the laundry in the ordinary way.

Obviously, you need to be careful with particularly delicate fabrics but you’ll find it doesn’t do any harm at all to cotton, T-shirt material, and other everyday fabrics."

bumtrinket


52. Dry-brush before you shower.

"I know this goes beyond personal hygiene but dry brushing before you shower. If you don't know what it is, Google it.

No need to be walking around with dead skin cells.

If you want to go one step further for really nice skin, once you turn off the water in the shower, before you dry off, use coconut oil or jojoba oil, or even Shea butter on your skin. Then gently pat dry.

I don't know the science behind it but I haven’t had a sunburn in over 10 years since doing this, and my skin has a nice tanny glow to it."

PaddleYakker


53. Start flossing so people don’t have to smell your ass mouth.

"After years, decades of failing to floss regularly, most teeth develop pockets under the gum line that get populated by bacteria that cause terrible breath.

No amount of tongue brushing or flossing will get rid of the bad breath and constant bad taste in your mouth. Once you have established pockets, you must have a dentist do biannual maintenance and floss regularly (I use a Waterpik).

If I could go back in time, I would warn my 16-year-old self to start flossing. It’s a terrible feeling to have to constantly worry about people smelling your ass mouth."

Logfarm


54. Wash your asshole with soap and water after every time you poo.

"Every time I poo, I wash my asshole well with soap and water then wipe with tissue to dry. I’m an Asian, and I do not understand how Westerners can poop and just wipe with tissue. I had a friendly debate one time with a Spanish guy joking (and being racist) on how his race is advanced and far more superior than where I came from, and that they have been civilized way before my country has even been discovered. He bragged on how he (Europeans) was the reason why I know how to use a knife and a fork…so i told him that he was correct but after all this bragging on how he was the start of civilization, how come was he using paper to wipe his butthole like a caveman?"

skimiroodoodle


55. Put on deodorant before you go to bed.

"If you have smelly pits, try putting on deodorant before you go to bed instead of in the morning. The instructions even say to do so; it works way better if it hangs out on your body for a few hours before you start sweating tons."

Saith_Cassus


56. Remove your stank-ass tonsil stones.

"If you get bad breath quite a bit (think of that rotten, mothball smelling bad breath) you may have tonsil stones. Learn how to remove them, they’re calcified food that just ~live~ in your mouth and I’m surprised no one I know is aware of them."

dinosorority


57. Wash your asshole.

"Wash your asshole. Seriously soap, water, lather, rinse, repeat. I should not have to smell shit the second you enter the room from a football field away."

Apenguin73


58. Milk of magnesia is a phenomenal deodorant.

"Magnesium milk is a phenomenal deodorant. It reacts with the acids that bacteria produce (which makes BO) and neutralizes them so that you’re not covering up the smell, you are actually getting rid of it! Plus it lasts quite a long time (I can go up to 24 hours with no problem), and you can use any perfume with it, since it has no smell."

DasFrettchen


59. Females, it’s a really good idea to use cleansing wipes or creams with beneficial bacteria after receiving oral sex.

"Females, it’s a really good idea to use cleansing wipes or creams with beneficial bacteria after receiving oral sex. Saliva washes away your natural fauna, which allows for yeast to take over. I also recommend sleeping completely naked if you’re infection-prone. Aeration is good for preventing the growth of excessive bacteria. If that sounds weird to you, try just sleeping in cotton underwear."

Doctor_Oceanblue


60. Wash your genitals.

"Wash your genitals—ballsack or flaps, penis or vulva, get to know your downstairs friend and how they feel/smell. Keeping them clean (plain water is good for vulvas as some soaps can irritate and cause problems, also under that foreskin for the uncircumcised) means if you ever pull, you don’t have the stank going on.

Also, it means if they do smell or look a bit funky, you can let the STI clinic/your doctor know, cos it could be something gross in there."

Baron_von_chknpants


61. Use salt crystal deodorant.

"Use salt crystal deodorant. Doesn’t stain, smell strongly, lasts forever (1-2 years), is pretty cheap ($6 or so). It lasts all day for me (am female), almost all day for my husband. Works better than natural deodorants for me."

apostasism


62. Wash your balls/grundle and inner crack with hair conditioner.

"Wash your balls/grundle and inner crack with hair conditioner. Neutralizes the pH balance so you never get stank nuts or vinegary balls. Its my ritual before any date."

penisinthepeanutbttr


63. WIPE FRONT TO BACK, VAGINA OWNERS.

"WIPE FRONT TO BACK, VAGINA OWNERS. I cringe so hard when I’m attending a bathroom rendezvous with a girl and she wipes back to front. Okayyyy Ms. Poop vag, enjoy that infection you’re about to receive."

bunnysnitch


64. Drink more water.

"Drink more water. It helps with stinky breath, BO, acne, dry skin, and fatigue. This doesn't replace the other basic hygiene rituals, though."

williamhgacy

1. After wiping your ass until there is no color on the toilet paper, use wet wipes. You’ll see with the wipes you get more color on them. Then dry with a toilet paper to finish.

2. Take wipes and alcohol gel when trekking.

3. Always pad the toilet seat, when not sure how clean it is.

4. Soap your feet when showering, dry with a clean towel after the shower and step into clean flip-flops or socks. Many people don’t know this, but a lot of the germs that enter the body do so through our feet.

5. Soap your ass crack thoroughly when showering.

6. Don’t take your phone to the toilet when shitting or wipe it with alcohol pad afterwards.

7. Put your toothbrush several meters away from the toilet seat, or store in the over-the-sink cabinet, or best practice: close the toilet seat cover when flushing. When the toilet is flushed, shit particles can fly as far as several meters away and land on your toothbrush and other things. Contact lenses?

8. Wash your hands before doing things like cooking, contact lens, etc. Shit gets stuck between your fingerprint cracks."

ey51


65. Thoroughly dry your feet after bathing.

"Thoroughly dry your feet, including between your toes, after bathing. It’s the best natural way to prevent fungus and foot odor."

whycantibeyou


66. Shampoo your pubic hair.

"1. If you have pubic hair, treat it like it’s actually hair, because it is. Use soap/body wash to clean up the area initially, but use whatever you’re using to wash the hair on your head down there as well. Don’t be wasteful, though. When you’re done scrubbing the shampoo in your hair, just scoop the excess suds/bubbles from your head and use ’em to shampoo your groin, too. If you use conditioner on your head, too, treat your carpet with the same respect as well. You’ll be surprised at the difference it makes in how soft the rough patch can actually be, and you’ll stay feeling fresh much longer than you’ll expect….especially if you follow up with:

2. Use Shower to Shower or a store brand equivalent right after you dry off after showering. Put that stuff everywhere: your back, your legs, your chest—basically everywhere. It’s like Gold Bond, but without that sharp menthol feeling. I’ve found that Gold Bond is better for feeling fresh during short periods of heavy physical activity that you’re going to shower right after (or for your feet/groin if you tend to have fungus issues), but I’ve found Shower to Shower is better for exactly what it says—or keeps your entire body fresh between your normal daily showers.

3. If you have a problem with excessive armpit sweat and/or odor, first make sure you have both an antiperspirant and a deodorant (separate products). At night shower and then apply the antiperspirant to your armpits before bed. In the morning, shower like normal, and use only the deodorant. Antiperspirant can work much better when it has time to set and properly stop up the pores, but then the excess still on the surface is basically doing nothing, which is why can you shower it away and replace it with deodorant for the day.

Source: Was a Marine. Getting clean and staying fresh are learned skills."

epants


67. Brush the top of the inside of your mouth to cure morning breath.

"You can get rid of bad morning breath by brushing the top of the inside of your mouth."

Connor44533


68. Moisturize your cleavage.

"Moisturize your cleavage…you won’t notice or care until you are about 50 but it will make a HUGE difference."

batshitcrazy1968


69. Guys, trim your armpit hair way down.

"Guys, use electric clippers (or at least scissors) and regularly trim your armpit hair way down. See those nasty green or white stains in your shirts? Those will stop if you keep the pits trimmed. You’re welcome."

SixtyCycleBum


70. Wash and powder your feet daily!

"Wash and powder your feet daily! An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Not only will they smell better (as will your shoes), but they will be healthier. When your feet start to deteriorate, they will go downhill FAST. Believe me, when your feet hurt, you hurt all over."

otakop


71. More tips…

"A combo shampoo and conditioner is not good for your hair. Buy separate products.

Wrinkled clothes can be unwrinkled using a mist spray bottle of water.

Pickles are given with meals to eat after your dish to freshen your breath. Eat them last.

Don’t wash pants after every wear. Once every 3 months is probably acceptable. Your pants will last longer and look newer (this might be anti-hygiene but I’m throwing it out there).

Lemon or lime will get rid of smoke breath.

Use a loofah. They exfoliate.

Wash your whites separate with bleach. Unfortunately, this isn’t common knowledge.

When shaving pubes, use a dull razor that you used on your face. This will help avoid cuts and razor bumps."

Eagle115


72. A whole slew of tips…

"Washcloth in shower. Shower not bathe. Clean & clip fingernails & toenails. Scrub face with rag every morning & night shave. Brush teeth. Use mouthwashes. Use teeth whitener (why not?). Floss. Drink water. Don’t eat greasy foods. Take vitamins for skin and hair and nails. Use skin lotion. Wash ass. Ladies, front to back. Use baby wipes after toilet paper. Wash feet. Carry supplies to fix hygiene situations. Use deodorant. Get rid of dead skin. Wash hand after bathroom. Don’t sit in public transport."

MichaelLuczyszyn


73. A facial hygiene regimen that works…

"I finally (at 31 years of age) found a facial hygiene regimen that works (i.e. no blemishes, clear skin, 100% of the time). I understand everyone’s skin is different, so for some context, I have naturally moderately oily skin, and I’m of Western European ancestry.

Every night, before lying down on your pillowcase:

• Wash your face with salicylic acid soap (Neutrogena orange stuff, or generic equivalent).

• Dry with towel.

• Since the towel isn’t so clean, a tiny splash of isopropyl alcohol on the hands (70%+), rub it all over your face/neck, while holding your breath, let dry without inhaling (hold your breath). I fan my hands to speed the process (and avoid passing out).

• Last step: replace the necessary oil that you just washed away. I use Burt’s Bees cleansing oil, but I bet olive oil, coconut oil, or some other oil that you could probably read up on to be ideal for the purpose could work. I use a 1/2 pump of the Burt’s Bees stuff, shake off the excess, and rub it on my hands before rubbing it on my face—no need to make your pillowcase oily.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST: change your pillowcase two times per week!! I have lots of pillowcases—they’re cheap, and the only part of your bed that touches your face. CHANGE OFTEN!

This whole process takes about three minutes, tops. Very effective, and feels great."

rift321


74. A few beauty tips for the ladies…

"• As odd as it sounds, Tucks Medicated Pads work wonders to take off makeup and help prevent breakouts. It contains witch hazel, which can help skin inflammation.

• Applying deodorant before bed is actually more effective than as part of your morning routine.

• Using vitamin E, either in liquid bottles or opening up capsules, under your eyes (but not too close to your actual eyeballs!) and on your lips helps keep elasticity and makes them feel softer.

• Sugar scrubs can be made at home or bought pre-made (pricier) and will slough off dead skin cells. This is especially useful for rough feet and elbows. Coconut oil (I know, it’s the current fad cure-all) also helps soften rough, cracked skin.

• Keeping nail polish in the fridge helps reduce the amount of coats needed and you make less mistakes from running. Also, Q-Tips are great for applying eye shadow. These aren’t hygiene tips per se, but good tips for women."

MyLittleOso


75. Occasionally get your ears cleaned by a doctor.

"Occasionally get your ears cleaned by a doctor. You’ll be shocked by what your Q-tip is not getting. You can have a mass in there the size of your pinkie finger and still hear."

Scrappy_Larue TC mark

22 Real 911 Operators Reveal The Most Hilariously Stupid Call They Ever Received

Posted: 25 Sep 2016 01:00 PM PDT

Flickr / Anthony Easton
Flickr / Anthony Easton

Responses originally posted on Reddit

1. New jeans problems

Once we had a young woman call 911 around 2am saying that her legs were turning blue. Turns out she had worn a new pair of jeans to the club that night.

— Buzkilll

2. That’s not what 9-1-1 is for

6:30 Christmas morning. 9-1-1 goes off. “9-1-1. what’s your emergency?”

Breathless, panicky voice “How do I get the cranberry sauce out of the can without it coming out in chunks?”

“Open the other end and slide it out on a plate.”

“OH! THANK YOU! You are brilliant!”

I wasn’t considered so brilliant once I had to dispatch an officer over there to educate her on proper 9-1-1 usage. Merry Christmas, here’s your citation.

— malloryparker

3. But the poor deer!

Caller: A deer just swam across the river behind my house.

Me: Okay?

Caller: Well I am worried it might be cold.

Me:…….Well there is nothing we can do about a deer being cold. Didn’t it run off after swinning the river?

Caller: Yes.

Me: Well ma’am it’s a wild animal and I’d guess it’s going to be fine.

Caller: ok

— NodePoker

4.

We had an old woman call in and say there was two guys dress in blue trying to break in her house and rape her. So we send about 6 cops over to her house. It turns out it was the gas company reading her gas meter.

— eagle4570

5. “I’m not crazy…”

I have been in the 911 biz for over 22 years. If a caller starts the call with “I swear I’m not crazy” then you need to buckle up for some insanity.

A guy started a call with those words after escaping from his apartment and running to the closest 7-11. He swore that his roommates were turning into giant crabs. The was going to show the officers that they were currently in giant cocoons transforming. As you might expect he was tripping balls.

— erczilla

6. Omg it’s a squirrel

My mom works as a 911 operator. She got a call one time from a girl in gym class at the local high school. She was in a panic and completely serious saying there was a squirrel on top of a telephone pole at the school and it wasn’t coming down.

— mubzie

7. Don’t throw pizza at people, kids.

Had a drunk person call to report he was being harassed. Truth was….. He was being arrested by our officers for throwing pizza at people. All I heard in the background was one of my officers saying to him “that better not be our dispatcher on the phone” followed by some muffled talking and my officer taking the phone and saying “he will be taking a ride with us now” and hung up.

Still laugh about it to this day.

Also had a drunk woman call 911 because she couldn’t remember her phone pass code

— tkokilroy

8. Also, don’t swallow hairbrushes

“What’s your emergency?”

“I just swallowed a hairbrush”

There is no obvious respiratory distress since they are speaking fine and calmly so I move on to try to assess the situation

“How did that happen?”

“I was pissed off”

“Ok ma’am what’s the address you are at…”

— RedHaus

9. “Merry Christmas!”

Police 911 operator here for 15 years. The stories I have.

  • I’ve had someone call 911 to know how long to smoke a brisket.
  • I’ve had someone call 911 to ask what the fines for parking tickets are.
  • I’ve had someone call 911 to wish me a merry xmas when I was working at 3am on on Christmas Morning
  • I’ve had someone call 911 report that their trunk wasn’t opening and they wanted to know what to do about it.
  • I’ve had someone call 911 in a rural community because a black dude was walking down the street and “we don’t get their kind here”.
  • I worked on 9/11. I had people call 911 for weeks after because there were “3 brown guys in a car and I thought you should know about it.”
  • I’ve had someone call 911 because they were lonely. About 1,000 times.

And many, many more.

I’ve done this for a while. Do people abuse the system? Sure. But for the most part I’m happy with how our children are taught to only use 911 if it’s a life or death emergency or if there’s a crime in progress.

— Stepside79

10. Lots of stupid stuff

“How far down is it snowing?” All the way to the ground, now get the fuck off my emergency line!

“The neighbor is giving my horse drugs.” – 0500 or earlier, every. Single. Day. Usually followed up about an hour later by:

“It’s crack!”

Lady, nobody is giving your horse drugs. Drugs are expensive.

And my personal favorite, exact quote:

“My washing machine is telling me to file for bankruptcy.” This was a confused elderly lady so it was actually a little sad, but I’m including it because it left me completely speechless at the time. I think my response was, “I… you… what?”

— QueenCoyote

11. Four days ago….

Me: “911 this line is recorded, what is your emergency?”

Caller: “hi, um I don’t know if this counts, but four days ago I noticed a Uhual truck in my neighbor’s driveway.”

Me: “okay?”

Caller: “Well the two guys looked really suspicious. They were walking around the house like they didn’t belong there.”

Me: “Four days ago?”

Caller: “it’s been bothering me because my neighbors have been on vacation and no one should be there.”

Me: ……”okay we’ll take a look.”

The entire house had been ransacked. All the valuables were gone. Too much time had passed for the local pawn shops to have the items because they know what is stolen and needs to be moved quickly. LPT: if something doesn’t seem right don’t ever second guess calling the cops immediately. If the operator gives you attitude, make a complaint.

— Jenaration200

12. This guy ended up in court

Guy lived in a rooming house that had a public area where all the residents could hang out. It had a microwave in it provided by the landlord. Guy called 911 around midnight one night because the microwave wasn’t there. The conversation with the dispatcher went something like this:

Dispatcher: “So… you called 911 because a microwave you don’t even own is missing? Did you ask your landlord if he took it?”

Guy: “Uh, no.”

Dispatcher: “Well, that’s not an emergency, sir.”

Guy: “But I’m really hungry.”

Meanwhile, a person with an actual emergency had to be put on hold briefly because this guy was adamant that this was the worst thing to ever happen. The genius insisted that police officers be sent to his rooming house ASAP because of the missing microwave. Officers showed up–so they could cite him for improper use of 911.

The guy pleaded Not Guilty and requested a jury trial. He represented himself. The jury was out 20 minutes before it announced its Guilty verdict.

— Shaydu

13. CRISIS CRISIS

Paramedic here.

I had a guy who picked his wart at 3am and it was bleeding.

That’s it. That’s the story.

— phoenix25

14. Woman calls for escort

My mom is a 911 operator, she gets some insanely stupid calls. I remember a few years ago, there was a huge pileup involving several cars and fatalities. Clearly it caused miles of traffic. A woman called 911, insisting that she get escorted out of the traffic by a trooper, because she “had to get home”, and it was “ridiculous that she should be stuck like that”. Like, people are dead, lady, sorry you’re not gonna make it home for Jeopardy.

And before anybody asks – no, she had no medical condition, unless you count delusions of grandeur…

— ddeevv

15. THEY R GONNA CHARGE ME FOR RANCH

My top few:

  • girl (approx 25 yrs old) called 911 because they were going to charge her 50 cents for ranch dressing. When I showed up the owner (who I knew because I eat there all the time at work) was totally confused. Then he laughed and said, “we change everyone extra for ranch” to which the girl responded by breaking down in tears. I told her I’d pay for it if she would just leave and the owner just let her take it. Obviously, she was having some sort of terrible day and just lost it. She left w the ranch dressing. Didn’t thank anyone.
  • guy called because neighbors were using their own BBQ in their own backyard and the smoke was coming into his kitchen window. He did not think he should have to close his window. He did not talk to his neighbor before contacting police. I told him he should talk with his neighbor or shut his window. Clearly they don’t get along.
  • guy called because there was “an aggressive squirrel next to his car” and he couldn’t get in. Squirrel left before we got there.
  • (in southern California – beach city) guy called said there was a bear in his backyard. It was an opossum. Not even that big. Regular sized, rat-looking opossum.
  • guy called because he put meth pipe into his butt and lost it inside. Probably not unreasonable to call, but really funny and awkward. He went to the hospital. One of my favorite calls.

— JoeSchroe

16. Ma’am that’s…not a crime

Had a woman call 911 because she saw someone driving down the road with his foot out the window. She was following him the whole time, and admitted he had his seatbelt on, wasn’t texting or speeding, he just had his foot out the window.

She wanted the police to pull him over, to which I had to explain he wasn’t breaking any laws.

She couldn’t comprehend that driving with your foot out the window is not illegal, and proceeded to hang up on me, then call 911 again because apparently I didn’t know the law and she NEEDED someone to stop this man. We connected her to a deputy who told her if she didn’t stop calling 911 for stupid reasons he was going to ticket her for abuse of emergency communications.

Also had one a couple of years ago where a dad called to ask for an ambulance because his 17 yr old daughter had a candle stuck up her anus. He tried to explain that she said she had gotten out of the shower and slipped and fell “butthole first” onto the candle… Medics said they found KY jelly with the candle so I think we all know what was going on there.

— flipit2mute

17. Allergic to…what?

Oh dear god, time to fucking shine. Had a lady trying to call an ambulance because she opened a package from Amazon at home and she was afraid that that her kid was about to have a major allergic reaction… From the packing Peanuts…. because the kid was allergic to peanuts, and when her kid mentioned what they were called, she freaked out.

18. Lots of stupid here!

  • Guy calling to argue that his crystal meth is legal because he made it with store-brought products with his own hard-earned money.
  • Entitled rich brat demanding an officer drive her back home because she spent her travel money partying; she felt since her father was a well-known surgeon, and a “higher taxpayer” she should get a break and get a ride. I told her no and hung up on her.
  • Woman calling to ask where she can get a paternity test done. For herself. I was confused and asked her, to clarify, if she was needing to determine who the father of a child was, she’d have to maybe contact a clinic. No. She wanted to know how can she find out if she was the mother of someone who claimed she gave birth to them. No mental illness, no hysterical pregnancy, she was just dumb.
  • We had an Amber Alert go out; guy stabbed the mother of his children and took the kids. Man calls to complain that the Alert is interrupting his TV and that the father should be left alone because he’s doing a good thing to be with his kids.
  • Woman calling to complain that her McDonald’s triple thick milkshake isn’t thick.
  • Had a woman get so angry about kids playing outside on their ATVs and bikes, on their family’s property, in the middle of the day in the summer, that she had a stroke. She’s ranting and raving and then all of a sudden, she’s speaking slowly and her words are slurred and she’s groaning… It was a weird thing to happen but she didn’t need to be so damn angry over something like that. Sheesh.
  • Another woman calling, terrified, whispering into the phone. Says she’s locked in a closet with her kids. I’m thinking a home invasion robbery, and as soon as I get her address, I slam the call in and get ready to start updating quickly. “Why was she huddled in her closet, terrified and on the verge of tears, milkcustard?” Glad you asked. This woman saw a mouse in her house and was terrified and didn’t know what to do because her husband was deployed, so she wanted an officer to come out and take care of the mouse for her. An officer went out and did. Your tax dollars at work!

— milkcustard

19. He wanted his rock back

Once took a call from a guy who had found an ‘unusual rock’ on the side of the road. Apparently he had turned it over to what were city employees or road workers of some kind (the fellow was obviously quite intoxicated), but now … he wanted it back. And it was an emergency, as the rock was obviously an relic of some kind that was worth thousands, as it had an impression of some kind of bone or shell in the side of it! A

t any rate, I managed to convince him that if he didn’t know who he had turned it over to, then we could not track down the rock, and that searching for this person was definitely not a police matter as it was given voluntarily to them, as he had said earlier on the recorded line. Hardly a marvel of a story, but it was certainly one of the dumbest reasons I had ever heard to call 911 in my time as an operator.

— SprawlingChaos

21. This is wild.

Ex-911 operator. Worked in the midwest. Lots of your garden variety daily dumb calls, but this is next level stupid. Story goes a little something like this.

"911, what is the location of your emergency?"

"Uhh… [address]. sigh… So… I'm not really sure if this is an emergency. Ugh… this is so embarrassing, I'm sorry. I uh… I answered an ad on Craigslist for some… services, you know, with a woman…"

And somehow this ends in you dialing 911 at 1am?

"… and I answered the ad that said… 'send me what you got,' so I sent her — sigh — you know, some pictures. I got a reply that… oh my god… that said I had sent these photos to his daughter who was sixteen. I didn't know! I really didn't know, I think maybe someone put her number there as a joke, you know?"

"Right, okay. So you want to speak with an officer? What's your name?"

"Well I don't… I don't wanna say my name and get in trouble or anything. I'm just worried that this needs to be brought to someone's attention and get it out there, you know?"

You’re on a recorded line with all of your information on our computer, homie, but proceed.

I transfer the call to the on duty Sgt, hoping he'll open up to another dude. He does, and then the truth erupts into a twisted tale of a love trapezoid straight out of an M. Night Shyamalan diary. It turns out the caller wasn't a child predator at all. He was just a horny kid on the prowl for some very legal kitty. A particular ad from a woman in a city called Hooker (shit you not) claiming to be 25 years old piqued – among other things – his interest, and he dutifully complied to the demand for cock shots. A brief time later he was textually accosted by a reasonably enraged man claiming to be the father of the alleged juvenile. Homeboy apologizes profusely and attempts to explain the situation by sending "Daddy" a link to the ad in question. Presumably followed by the ordering of P90X and gathering of bail money.

It is at this point the story takes a nosedive: “Daddy,” well… isn't. Daddy's true identity becomes Hubby; his innocent little girl's phone is actually the phone of his wife. I believe it – most sixteen year olds haven't been sexually dissatisfied long enough to turn to a Craigslist ad for "W4MM."

That's Woman for Multiple Men, BTW.

EDIT: To clarify. TL;DR kid thinks he sent dick pics to a child after seeing an ad on Craigslist asking for “multiple men.” Calls 911 when he receives text from man claiming to be father of child threatening violence and jail time. Investigation ensues, dick pic recipient is actually cheating ho wife from a city called Hooker.

— vv0ltr0n

22. “Wild Rabbit in my garden!”

I was a 9-1-1 operator before computers so technology has changed a bit but people haven’t!

Elderly caller: I need the police, there is a wild rabbit in my garden eating my garden vegetables. (I did not send anyone) and during some snowy weather residents were encouraged not to drive unless they had to. We’re talking 4-5 inches of snow…nothing terrible. A woman called and said she had a green Toyota and wondered if it would be okay to drive. I gave a professional answer (and a gentle reminder about the use of 9-1-1)and then hung up and laughed saying, no…only blue Toyota’s and white Honda’s today!

— lattelover2020 TC mark

28 Things I Quit In Life (And Am Absolutely Happier Because Of Doing So)

Posted: 25 Sep 2016 12:00 PM PDT

Michael Ramey
Michael Ramey

1. I quit my program in school that wasn't teaching me the things I truly longed to learn about life.

2. I quit my engagement that wanted me to be a wife and Mother.

3. I quit my job that asked me to remove my boundaries that protected my self-worth.

4. I quit many relationships that asked me to stay stuck and enable toxicity that limited my growth.

5. I quit buying things for people because I'm expected to.

6. I quit being responsible for anyone else's feelings and needs that were not my own.

7. I quit swallowing everything that was being fed to me by the news and media.

8. I quit being ignorant to what we are doing to this planet, the animals on it, to ourselves and to each other.

9. I quit buying into the fear that is intricately woven into our belief system since such a young age.

10. I quit needing to fix people who didn't need to be fixed and instead focused on why I did that in the first place.

11. I quit worrying about what anyone thought of me because I now know it is only a reflection of how they see themselves and has nothing to do with me.

12. I quit trying to help people who weren't asking for help or trying to show people things I saw when they walked around with their eyes closed.

13. I quit the notion that I am broken and imperfect because no matter where you are in life – I now know, it's all perfect.

14. I quit the pain-pattern that was engrained in me since childhood and started finally believing – I'm not my pain.

15. I quit enabling people who fed their demons with my love.

16. I quit allowing men to touch my body who couldn't connect heart-to-heart and who refused to see and feel my precious soul.

17. I quit my act of anger and learned to dig deeper and love all the parts that were hurting.

18. I quit being quiet when I needed to use my voice.

19. I quit needing to explain myself to anyone.

20. I quit trying to numb my deep emotional responses that are always on high alert.

21. I quit being terrified that I am different and instead I forge forward in my difference to create needed change.

22. I quit saying yes when I wanted to say no.

23. I quit the illusion of having control.

24. I quit following the rules when it no longer made sense to do so.

25. I quit letting anyone think for me and learned the importance of questioning everything in order to be able to fully think for myself.

26. I quit trying to make myself feel anything different than, whatever it is in that moment, that I am feeling.

27. I quit being a follower and instead blaze my own trail.

28. I'm quitting the way the world expects me to be. TC mark