Thought Catalog


I Flat-Out Refuse To Marry Anyone Unless These Are Our Vows

Posted: 04 Sep 2016 08:15 PM PDT

alfredoderito
alfredoderito

Marrying you is not the end of my liberty; it's the beginning of it.

You're the person I want to dive headfirst into life with. When I go out on the weekends, it is you I want shutting down the club with me. When I plan an adventure it is you I want holding the map. When I speculate about the future, I want to see you in every outlandish fantasy I plan for myself. You're the person I want to rant excitedly to over happy hour drinks. You're the person I want to dance around the house with in my underwear with. You're the person who makes the whole world feel wide-open to me and I want to take advantage of that. I want to plunge into the future with you – because it looks bigger and brighter by your side than I ever could have imagined.

“Something about you inspires me to be bigger, brighter, bolder than I ever knew that I could become. And I hope that I inspire you, too.”

I don't want to settle down with you. I want to take off with you – to far-away countries, foreign landscapes, gems and corners of the world that would only have looked half as amazing without you by my side. When I strap on a backpack and head to the airport, I want you to be boarding that plane with me. You're the person I want to get lost with, set up camp with, stumble through dark streets with at 5a.m. with after a long, rambunctious night in a city that we can't pronounce the name of. When I get home and have tale after ridiculous tale to recite to my friends, you're the one I want there to back up my claims. You're the person I want to come home to and the person I want to escape with. I want you on every adventure I take for the rest of my life. I want to do everything on earth with you.

I don't want to be the person you always agree with. I want to be the person you challenge – to change, to grow, to expand in ways that wouldn't have ever occurred to me before I met you. I want heated debates at 3am. I want stark disagreements when I'm acting out of line. I want passionate arguments about the way we're living because your fire fuels mine and I never want that spark to die out. I want to be someone you aren't afraid to challenge because sometimes I need that extra push. And you can bet your ass that I'll push you right back.

I don't want to let myself go now that I have you – I want to build myself up alongside you. Something about you inspires me to be bigger, brighter, bolder than I ever knew that I could become. And I hope that I inspire you, too. That together we can encourage one another to grow into the fullest, strongest, fiercest versions of each other. That ten years from now we will be prouder than ever to be standing beside one another and that twenty years later we'll be even prouder still. I hope you're not expecting to grow stagnant in love because something about you makes me feel like my best self on steroids and I do not plan to let that feeling die.

If there's anything I am not worried about, it's us falling apart. The truth is I never fell in love with you anyway; I walked into love – surely, deliberately and without a backwards glance. I chose you from the first day I met you and baby I promise to keep choosing you. Through every fight, I'll choose you. Through every temptation, I'll choose you. Through every twist and bump in the road that threatens to tear us apart I will choose you with the ferocious certainty I've felt since the first time I ever laid eyes on you. I'm not worried about falling out of love with you baby, because I never fell in. Loving you was a waking, conscious choice and it's one that I'm going to keep making until the day my heart stops beating.

Now let's stop with these frivolous vows – there's a party to have! We have gifts to tear open and champagne to chug and a whirlwind honeymoon to go embark on. This whole marriage thing is old and tired but we most certainly are not. After all, you're only young and wild once. And baby, our wildest days are just beginning. TC mark

In Defense Of First Date Sex

Posted: 04 Sep 2016 08:01 PM PDT

Credit Ángela Burón / www.flickr.com/photos/040710/with/18673173073/
Credit Ángela Burón / www.flickr.com/photos/040710/with/18673173073/

Can we be real for a second? Dating today comes with a subset of rules that we all must follow in order to attract the opposite sex. Don’t be too available, don’t be too forward, don’t be too honest. Cross one of these lines and you’re just asking for rejection. But today I want to address the first date behavior that could make or break your newfound love interest.

As a newly single post grad, I decided to try those dating apps. Distraction is the best remedy for the end of a long term relationship, so why not. Eligible bachelors looking for a fun date just a swipe away? Sure, I’ll take some free meals and drinks shared over witty banter. It wasn’t long before I found a cute guy willing to meet up for a weeknight beer.

The date went pretty well despite the inevitable awkwardness that arises from meeting someone online. Conversation flowed and we managed to avoid extended silences. As the date progressed and more drinks were consumed, we became more intimate, from brushing arms to eventually holding hands. Eventually we agreed to a quick Netflix episode back at his place, which immediately brought about the possibility for much more.

Here’s the thing. I am a very sexual and confident individual. Sex is a natural and healthy human activity that *SURPRISE* often times women want just as badly as men. Despite the normalcy of desiring sexual acts, there is an unspoken rule about a girl who sleeps with a guy on the first date. If she sleeps with you, she is not worthy of any future relationship. Whether that’s a casual fling, a series of future dates or a long term relationship that ends in a perfect marriage, none of these things are possible if she gives it up the first night with you. How could a girl who has first date sex ever want anything else?

HOLD. THE. PHONE. Can someone please tell me who invented this rule and what they were thinking? We are now judging a women’s personality, career goals, interests, characteristics, and all defining factors that play into your future opinions of them, on whether or not she wants to get in your pants. Just because a woman wants to sleep with you, doesn’t mean that she is less desirable, interesting, admirable or just straight badass. It means that she understands her body and makes a mature decision about what she wants and needs. Whether it’s just hooking or casual dating or a relationship remains to be seen, but let me be perfectly clear when I say that the two are not mutually exclusive. Do we say and think the same thing about men who have sex on the first date?

If you're someone who really values sex and thinks that it is a special bond that should only be reserved for certain people, you're not alone. There's nothing wrong with saving yourself until you are ready. But in the same way we shouldn't judge those who aren't ready to jump right in, we shouldn't judge those who feel comfortable taking that step. We need to accept that sex or no sex, it shouldn't detract from the 3 hours prior spent learning about each other's family and laughing about the latest viral YouTube video.

So what do you do when you're faced with the sex or no sex question on your first date? Whatever you want! It's your body, your life, your sexual needs and the right man will accept you, like Bruno Mars says, just the way you are. TC mark

The Difference Between Sleeping With A Skinny Woman And A Plus-Sized Woman

Posted: 04 Sep 2016 07:00 PM PDT

Yana Toyber
Yana Toyber

Guess what? There’s zero difference between sleeping with someone who weighs thirty pounds less than you and thirty pounds more than you. Sex is sex. It’s more about confidence than it is about weight.

If you’re self-conscious, then you’re more likely to turn the lights off during sex, keep your top on, and avoid wearing lingerie, which is a huge no-no. If someone is in bed with you, then they find you attractive. They want to see you naked, even if that means you’ll have to expose your scars and cellulite and flab. You might not believe that you’re beautiful, but they do, so you shouldn’t be embarrassed to get undressed for them.

Of course, in a technical sense, there are certain sex positions that will be difficult for plus-sized women to pull off. Don’t feel bad about it, because thin girls can’t handle them either, unless they have gymnast-level flexibility.

If your man is on top of you in the missionary position, and you’re having trouble getting the right angle, then use pillows to prop up your butt and back until you end up in a position that works for the both of you.

And if you’re the one on top of your man, don’t sit up straight and arch your back while you’re riding him like you see in the movies. Instead, lean forward, right over his chest, and place your hands on the bed to keep you up. You can use your arms to help you spring yourself up and down, so your legs aren’t stuck doing all of the work.

Once you get tired, tell your man it’s his turn to take the lead and switch positions. If you’re self-conscious about your stomach, try doing it Doggy style, so most of his focus is on your ass. If there’s a problem with the angles again, you could prop a pillow under your stomach this time to give him a better angle of penetration.

Remember, if pillows aren’t doing the job, you can always use a few folded up blankets. And if your bed isn’t firm enough, try doing it on the floor. Your man will find the idea sexy as fuck.

Of course, you don’t have to stick to cowgirl and missionary. You could masturbate side-by-side. You could grab a sex toy and let him penetrate you in two places at once. You could do anything and everything as long as you and your partner put your heads (and genitals) together to find a way to make it work.

You don’t need a special set of rules, just because you’re plus-sized. No, you might not want to throw your legs into pretzel-like positions, but you can make up for that with passionate kisses and dirty talk.

Sex isn’t any better with a thin woman than with a plus-sized woman, because weight honestly does not matter. It all depends on the person. It all depends on your attitude.

So own your body. It’s fucking beautiful. TC mark

50 Nurses And Doctors Spill The Most Insane Answers They’ve Ever Heard When Asking About Sexual History

Posted: 04 Sep 2016 06:00 PM PDT

http://thoughtcatalog.com/eric-redding/2015/03/an-or-nurse-talks-about-the-most-gory-disgusting-thing-theyd-ever-seen-at-work/
via Flickr – Vancouver Coastal Health

1. Busted

“I signed in a sixteen year-old girl who told the doctor ‘I can’t be in labor–I’ve never had sex’ as she gives her Dad a ‘please don’t kill me’ look. Ah, family moments.”
mhornberger

2. Messianic Pregnancies Are Common

“This happened recently at my work. Teen girl presents with abdominal pain and swears up and down that there is no way for her to be pregnant. Doc orders tests and as the lab is drawing blood, the mother asks the doc what he thinks it could be. The doc said ‘well if she claims she couldn’t be pregnant, she might have some kind of tumor or mass growing in her abdomen.’ Haha I love that Doc.

After lab results come back, it appears she is actually pregnant. Ultrasound is ordered and shows a baby that is well developed. Mom is ordered to leave the room and a vaginal exam confirms that her abdominal pain is definitely contractions from active labor.

Patient is still saying that it’s impossible. Doc orders mom from the room and goes in to tell her that no matter what she is trying to say, right now it’s time to grow the fuck up because you are going to be a mother in a few hours.”
Tokenofmyerection

3. Eight Times A Day

“From my time as an Army medic in Germany, circa 2003.

Had a guy report to sick call with ‘personal’ filled out on his sick call slip. Ninety nine percent of the time, this means STD or something wrong with the reproductive bits.

I was the fortunate one to pull his chart for screening. I got him into the exam room, got him to verbalize exactly what ‘personal’ reason he was in the aid station for. It was sores on his penis.

Ok.

I start prepping the culture swab, and continue getting the history. How long he had the sores, when he last had sex, any burning or irritation while urinating. ‘A few days, never, and no.’

Wait, you haven’t had sex? What about sexual contact, to include oral, anal, genital on genital? ‘I’m a virgin. I’ve never been with anyone else.’

What the fuck are the sores from? ‘I’ve been masturbating a bunch.’. How much? ‘Eight times a day.’

Our PA ended up sending him back with a profile to his chain of command prohibiting masturbation more than once a day.”
taws34

4. A Rough Encounter

“Patient came in for difficulty with walking due to pain. When pressed, he admitted that he had someone forearm deep in him a week prior from a rough encounter. Sent him to a specialist, turns out his pubic symphysis was inflamed and might have a stress fracture. Oddly, when results were given to him, he made it clear that it was worth it.”
russelg000

5. Hazard Of The Profession

“As a Med student in an STD clinic in Miami I asked a lady how many sexual partners she had. ‘Honey, I get paid to fuck. I got no clue.’ She got all the antibiotics.”
Dan-z-man

6. It All Started With Stacy…

“My favorite was this young guy maybe in his twenties, comes in and on the form he circled the ‘sexual history’ part drew an arrow to the back. Then on the back it read ‘it all began back in the eighth grade with Stacy…’ He continued on to fill half the page up with his sexual history.

I’m pretty sure he did it only because he had to wait so long.”
xenogensis

7. A Virgin’s Aspirations

“When I was thirteen I responded ‘yes’ when the nurse asked me if I was sexually active. She then asked when was the last time I had sex to which I uncomfortably answered that I have never had sex.

I thought masturbation counted.”
jiggle_the_handle

8. Selina

“Navy Hospital Corpsman here. After my ship pulled into Cyprus for a 3 day liberty port, I had a line about 10 people deep of sailors and marines in medical looking to see the doc. The first two presented with the same discharge and swelling and stuff (turned out to be a rather nasty clap/chlamydia combo) and when I dove deeper I found out they went to the same brothel. A little deeper and found they even saw the same girl. So 4 people in, same deal. When the next one walked in all I asked, with raised eyebrows ‘Selina?’ (supposed lady’s name) And with a subtle and ashamed confirmatory nod they sat on the table ready for the dreaded bore punch. 5/9 people I treated that day went to the same lady.”
CrimeanCrusader

9. Self Diagnosis

“During my clinicals in school, I had an ER rotation.

Now, I like the ER, it’s exciting and you see some really weird shit.

I was baptized in the weird-shit puddle by a fourteen year-old chick who came in with abdominal pain.

So my preceptor (this was early in clinicals) is doing his thing and asking medical history, when he asks her if she was sexually active. She says yes, preceptor asks last sexual encounter (thinking something was up), to which she responds ‘right before I came here.’

So, preceptor asks if she can describe the nature of her pain.

She says yes.

‘It’s probably from the cucumber in my ass.’

You fucking whut?

Turns out, she had a cucumber in her ass.”
a_Mazing_Nurse

10. Doesn’t Exactly Inspire Confidence

“I was in active labor, pushing a tiny human being from my body, when a well-meaning medical student asked me if I had any history of sexual activity.”
Cheesethehamster

11. A Wife’s Revenge

“My wife works in a hospital. She told me a story about a patient that presented with constipation (three days) and rectal pain. An examination found he had a rotting cucumber up his ass, which he claimed no knowledge of. Turns out he was not lying.

He had recently returned from an extended trip away from home during which he had contracted a venereal disease, which he had passed along to his wife following his return. Rather than confront him with his misdeeds, his wife decided to go straight to retribution. So she drugged his dinner one night, then administered the coup de concombre, so to speak.

Of all the possible visuals that come to mind when I think of this story, the one that I enjoy most is the wife, at the store, picking out the cucumber. ‘Yeah, this is the one…'”
keenly_disinterested

12. A Simple Misunderstanding

“‘When was your last prostate exam?’

‘I don’t have one.’

‘They removed it?’

‘No I have a vagina.’

‘Oh. Ohhhhh.'”
medikit

13. Yes, Yes They Do

“A woman came in with inflammation of the vulva and when I asked about her sexual history, she said ‘do dildos count?'”
sacrilicious_sk

14. “Dried Up For Years”

“Not a nurse but a former phlebotomist/health historian for the largest blood collection organization. One of donors was an older lady. Maybe early 70’s. There were 5-10 sexual history questions in a row. In the middle of them she blurts out, ‘Hhoney, I’ve been dried up for years. Nobody has been diggin in this for a long time.'”
moonboots333

15. You Just Never Know Who’s Freaky

“I’m a doctor and not a nurse, but the funniest example of this I’ve experienced was being ripped into by my attending back in medschool for asking a detailed sexual history on an elderly woman. Her husband and my attending were also in the exam room at the time. My attending had known them for the past 15 years and this couple had been married for like 50. After my attending stopped mocking me for, “asking about all that new crazy stuff, I’ve known Mr. and Mrs. X for years!” the patient proceeded to tell me that she and her husband were swingers and she had multiple male and female partners into her 70s. I wish I could have taken a picture of his face at that moment and hung it on my wall forever.”
viridianlion

16. Gotta Keep Active

‘I worked in a medical call center and had to survey patients taking certain drugs. We asked if they were sexually active (company was worried about libido-inhibiting side effects).

Best answer I heard was ‘Yes, but don’t tell my spouse.'”
refubeegee

17. A Memorable Trip To The Strip Club

“Army Combat Medic here, one guy came in with a very swollen eye that had been getting worse. As it turns out, the guy went to a fully nude strip club Saturday night and had a great time with the women there. So much fun, that one stripper shoved her snatch in his eager face. The next day, his eye was puffy, by Monday morning sick call, it was so swollen he couldn’t open his eye, and the erythema and edema was spreading over that half of his face. It was pretty jarring to look at.

PA sent him for emergency surgery, and this is where I arrive at the point of this story. After draining his eye and flushing it, they looked for any particulate that could have caused the irritation… and they found a crab.

Well, the stripper had crabs, so when she shoved dudes face into her vagina, some crabs took a journey into his eye and got stuck beneath his eyelid.

It was this guy’s first time going to a strip club too, but it sure as fuck wasn’t his last.”
Ginjedai

18. Best. Description. Ever.

“When I was in nursing school we had these questionnaire things we had to ask our patients for homework. Most of the questions were pretty simple and basic like family medical history or what current medication they were taking etc etc etc and it was designed to get us used to asking questions and to begin to develop rapport with the patient. Well since this was my first year of nursing school I was still felt little awkward asking the ‘sex questions’ and was nervous when I came around to these questions when interviewing an 85 year old man whose wife was sitting right next to him. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: So..umm sir some of these next questions may be a bit personal and if you are too uncomfortable answering them you can just tell me and we can move on.

Internal me: (please be uncomfortable oh please oh please oh please)

Him: Sure! Go ahead. You need to know all this stuff for your career! Ask away!

Internal me: (Damn…)

Usually there were 5 or 6 questions that i would ask but today I could only get past this one question.

Me: OK sir. Are you and your wife still sexually active?

Him: (Looks up at me, then the ceiling, then to his wife and says) ‘sweetie? How would you describe our sex life?

Wife (without missing a beat): Oh probably that you jumped on a wild hog at the ripe age of 19 and are still hanging on for dear life. (then she leans closer to me and whispers) I try to buck him off every night but he keeps hanging on (then she winks).

I almost died of laughter. Best response ever.”
ArgentinianNorse

19. It Tastes Different

“My Doctor told me a story once… a bit off topic here but awe well.. Back when they first started performing Vasectomy’s, Doctors had to call their patients back for standard followup questioning a number of weeks after the procedure. He told me he got the same answers from all of the couples he interviewed. Any Sensation change? -No, Any performance Change? – No… etc. this went on and on… until one day, he asked a couple if there were anything different after the procedure. Any changes at all…. The wife said YES… There is a huge difference since he had the surgery. My Doc was very surprised and when he inquired further the wife said… ‘It tastes different’… O-o He said it was all he could do to keep from laughing as he made the note of “Seminal fluid tastes different after procedure.'”
Comax

20. Semen Allergy

“Not a doc, but when I went to my allergist to discuss an allergy to semen be had to ask me very in depth questions about each encounter. I had to tell an old kind man about how my boyfriend’s cum turned my face red and itchy.”
sphb17

21. Can’t Be Pregnant, No Sex For Six Months…

“I was around 8 months pregnant and working as an ER nurse. I had a very round, beach ball-esque obviously pregnant belly going on. A woman came in with the chief complaint of lower abdominal pain that came in waves, and also reported experiencing a clear liquid discharge that she said felt like she peed her pants, but point-blank denied being pregnant (she had a big sweatshirt and jacket on at first). She came back to me and changed into her gown with me in the room, and clearly she was visibly pregnant, and my immediate suspicion was that she was in labor. I point-blank asked if she was pregnant and she looked at me bewildered and stated she couldn’t be because she hadn’t had sex ‘in over six months.’ I asked her when the last time she was sexually active, and she reported “sometime in September,” which was sometime around my own date of conception. Being that she’s not grasping it yet, I point to her belly and then my own and say “how long has your belly looked like my belly?” My hope is it would kind of be a “look in the mirror” wake up call, but it didn’t work. She said she had just been feeling “bloated” over the last few months. She didn’t believe she was pregnant until the ER resident did a bedside ultrasound to find the baby’s heart rate. She was in labor, and went upstairs to L&D. Oh, and she had her ten year old daughter with her.”
sphb17

All The Things I Want To Say To My Depression

Posted: 04 Sep 2016 05:00 PM PDT

unsplash.com
unsplash.com

Okay, Depression, let's set this straight right away – I'm in charge here. You had your way for long enough, and I'm over it. You owe me an apology, and I'm damn well gonna get it.

Oh, don't act so innocent. You know what you've done.

Yes, we've spent a lot of time together. But not quality time. Not time that I enjoyed. No, NO – don't give me that shit. I never SAID our time together was unenjoyable in the moment, because I didn't know any better. That doesn't mean it was pleasant, or meaningful, or okay. I let you stick around because I always knew that someone out there had it worse and I thought maybe you were what I deserved. But that time is over.

First of all, you owe me an apology for keeping me from my friends.

All those nights I could have been social but instead spent laying in bed with you – not DOING anything, not even watching TV or reading or attempting to do anything resembling fun – those are nights I regret.

If anything, you should have encouraged me to go out and be around good people. Heck, maybe you could've come too and would've even enjoyed yourself. No, don't you dare. I TRIED to introduce you to to my friends several times but you always told me not to. This is on you, not me.

When I got called an asshole by my good friend because I stopped showing up to things, well, I should have seen through you then.

You're not encouraging or supportive or "just being realistic" – wasn't that your Twitter bio? – you're a piece of shit. I know I'm stooping down to your level, but I feel like after everything, I've earned the right to call you that. You're a piece of shit.

And that brings me around to my next point. You owe me an apology for talking bad about me. You said some awful things to me. All the times you told me I was stupid, or worthless, or doomed to fail – those are things you would never say to or about anyone else, but you had no problem saying them to me.

You made sure to undermine my accomplishments at every turn. Yes, I went to the gym – BUT I'll never be as fit as some of the bodybuilder-types there. Yes, I wrote something – BUT it won't be an instant American Classic. Yes, I bought new toothpaste before I ran out – BUT I could have been more prepared and had a backstock and not even needed to go to the store. Yes, I know you're "technically right." Sure, yes, you were "just being realistic!" yet again. You know what else is realistic? The fact that I could do all these things and more if I weren't constantly terrified of how you'd criticize me after the fact.

Finally, you owe me an apology for making death a part of my world. Again, you'd never wish this on anyone else – even the worst people we've encountered. With everyone else it was always, "At least they're trying," or "They're just not a person for YOU; lots of people like them."

And when it came to me?

"Oh no, you lost your keys? What if you don't find them? Maybe you should die." Or, "You're not losing weight that quickly, but you wouldn't have to worry about it all if you were dead." Or, "You want to ask for a raise? Wouldn't it be easier and more convenient for everyone involved if instead you just… died?"

Healthy people don't think like that. They spend ten minutes looking for their keys. They get to the gym and lose weight at a normal rate. They ask for a raise because they believe they deserve it and – most of all – that they deserve to be alive. And frankly, I deserve to be alive.

So, that's it. I have nothing more to say to you. As far as I'm concerned, we're done.

Yes, I know we live together and you have nowhere else to go and, however begrudgingly, I'll allow you to stay. But I expect you to stay out of my way. Yeah, it might be hard with just the one bathroom – but you know my routines, and I'm sure you can work around them. I don't care if that's inconvenient for you. I'm the one who does all the work around here. You've just made things more difficult, and I finally see that now. So I have no more words for you.

I do have some words for ME, though. (I'll keep it short, because I'm not used to saying nice things to myself. But this seems like a good first step.)

I'm sorry for what Depression said. I didn't deserve to hear those things. I am a valuable person, worthy of being here. Things are not always easy and that's totally fine, because they always get better. People care about me. And after the longest time, I care about me.

I may be depressed. I may be pissed. But I am also talented and smart and skilled. I am kind. I want the world to be better. I have a future. I am not going to die.

So get the hell out of my way, Depression, you piece of shit. TC mark

50 Compliments Women Desperately Want, But Men Never Give

Posted: 04 Sep 2016 04:00 PM PDT

Lightstock, Pearl
Lightstock, Pearl

1. I think it’s sexy that you’re such a hard worker.

2. Those heels make your legs look even hotter.

3. Holy shit, your eyebrows look perfect today.

4. You don’t need a push-up bra. Your breasts are the perfect size.

5. You know, you even look pretty when you cry.

6. Not only are you the best lover I’ve ever had, but I think you’re the best cuddle buddy I’ve ever had.

7. You don’t have to shave for me, but I appreciate that you do.

8. Every time I see you smile, I can’t stop myself from smiling.

9. That selfie you uploaded today should’ve gotten more likes. You looked drop-dead gorgeous in it.

10. My parents can’t stop talking about how much they love you.

11. Everything sounds beautiful when it comes out of your lips.

12. You look stunning without makeup.

13. I could listen to you talk all day.

14. All of my friends think you’re the girl I should marry. And I agree.

15. I could never thank you enough for how much happiness you’ve brought into my life.

16. I love the designs on your nails. How’d you do that?

17. You have the best music taste.

18. Are you wearing new lipstick? It makes you look delicious.

19. Your outfit matches your eyes perfectly.

20. I had the most romantic dream about you last night.

21. I love that snort you make when you laugh.

22. You have the cutest nose.

23. The way your hips sway when you walk is super sexy.

24. That perfume smells like heaven.

25. Is that a new bra? It makes your chest look amazing.

26. Whenever I see your smile, all I want to do is grab you and kiss you.

27. Your teeth are so white.

28. I love who I am when I’m around you.

29. Those sweatpants make your butt look fantastic.

30. Your singing voice is absolutely adorable.

31. Your lips are my favorite thing in this entire world.

32. You’re the smartest woman I’ve ever met.

33. You honestly have what it takes to become a model.

34. Your birthmarks make you look even cuter.

35. That pocketbook makes your outfit look ridiculously stylish.

36. Every inch of your body tastes delicious.

37. You killed that smokey eye.

38. I love the scent of your hair. What shampoo do you use?

39. Those glasses make you look insanely sexy.

40. I love your natural hair.

41. And I love the way your hair looks after you straighten it.

42. I love how well you handle your liquor.

43. Your makeup looks flawless.

44. You’re the most hysterical person I’ve ever met.

45. Have I ever told you that you look adorable when you eat?

46. You make me want to become a better person.

47. You’re the only woman I want to spend my life with.

48. Your hair is so soft and smooth.

49. You look the most beautiful as soon as you step out of the shower.

50. I had no idea it was possible to love another person as much as I love you. TC mark

All I Want Is For Wells Adams To Date My Best Friend So I Can Hang Out With His Dog

Posted: 04 Sep 2016 03:01 PM PDT

wellsari

My name is Kendra, and I know a great many things.

I make a mean bloody mary. I am great at spelling (last week I spelled Mount Kilimanjaro correctly on the first try – true story) and a certifiable grammar whiz. I scored well above average on the ACT and can type over 80 words per minute. I can open most jars, and reach things on very tall shelves.

Basically, I’m pretty knowledgable about a lot of things in life.

But one of the things that I know literally nothing about, is The Bachelor.

I’ve tried to get into the show that I so affectionately call, “America’s Hunger Games” but…I just can’t. I get uncomfortable for the people who can’t hold their liquor, am very frustrated by the lack of challenges for prizes, and genuinely loathe all of the catchphrases. (ie: “She’s not here for the right reasons!” or “I’ve just never felt this way before!”) I watched two episodes of The Bachelor in Paradise today and I gotta be honest, I just don’t think it’s for me.

Enter: My best friend Ari.

Instagram Photo

Ari is everything I am not.

She is warm, she is kind. She is romantic. She is gluten-free. And she knows about The Bachelor.

Apparently, there was gentleman on this show who was pretty great.

And his name, is Wells Adams.

Instagram Photo

Now. I gotta say, when I heard that people were saying there was someone arguably normal on The Bachelor, I was MORE than skeptical. Someone genuine, with a real job, no drinking problem, and minus a Fit Tea sponsorship was on THIS show? I didn’t buy it.

But the more I learned (aka: internet stalked) the more I was sold.

This Wells Adams, seems like a pretty great guy.

Instagram Photo

Which leads us here.

Ari has recently been tweeting up a storm about auditioning for the next season of The Bachelor. And apparently, Wells is going to be on the hurricane that is Bachelor in Paradise.

So from me to both of you:

Stop messing around with reality TV and just fall in love already.

I said at the beginning of this article that I know a great many things. And while one of these things is NOT the shows hosted by love novelist extraordinaire, Chris Harrison. It UNARGUABLY is: match making.

So, Wells Adams. If you’ve read this far, here are all of the reasons why you should date my best friend.

1.

Let’s face it: you’re both p. much hipster AF.

Instagram Photo
Instagram Photo

You: Radio jockey with beanies, typewriters, and Raybans.
Her: Spoken word poet with a record player, obsession with Larry David, and also – Raybans.

You both definitely have a vinyl collection and have WITHOUT a doubt said, “Their first album was better.” You’re both undeniable lil’ hipsters and you just deserve to walk hand in hand down a cobblestone road talking about Bukowski or some shit together. Make it happen.

2.

You both look great in hats.

Instagram Photo
Instagram Photo

Granted, you usually seem to be rocking a beanie and it looks damn good. But you both look great in hats and that, I think, is v. v. important. Why? Because it’s a sign that you’ve got style. And sorry but style is important. You don’t want to end up with a girl who’s been shopping at The Gap since 2009. I’m sorry but you just don’t.

3.

You’re both super active.

Instagram Photo
Instagram Photo

You: Marathons (apparently.)
Her: Falling off the treadmill while listening to musicals.

But in all seriousness you’re both active people. If you were dating someone like me I’d just be like “yo, wanna see what happens when we put doritos on pizza?” and while it’d be charming at first, eventually you would realize how gross I am. You and Ari could like…hike and shit together. That’s the sign of true love. Hiking.

4.

You both love a solid polaroid.

Instagram Photo

Instagram Photo

Not only does this reinforce the hipster thing (like WE GET IT. You are both so quirky and so misunderstood and so adorable. Congrats.) but it also shows how nostalgic you both are. You are into preserving memories and great film and don’t easily forget about the “good times.”

Excuse me while I barf in the corner from too much cute.

5.

You’re both ~*artsy*~

Instagram Photo
Instagram Photo
You: Musician. TV Heartthrob. General cool kid.
Her: Poet. Writer. Twitter Genius.

Come on, Wells. Do you REALLY see yourself ending up with someone who isn’t at least a little creative? And by creative I don’t mean she happened to be a brunette in a sea of blondes. Let me answer for you, no. No you don’t. You need to be with someone who gets the arts, who’s involved in that scene. BUT you probably shouldn’t be with another musician because that’s just weird and competitive and awkward. ENTER A WRTIER. It’ll be fun, I swear.

6.

YA BOTH LOVE ANIMALS.

Instagram Photo
Instagram Photo
Nuff. Freakin. Said.


Okay this brings me to my actual motivation here. Listen, Wells. I want you and Ari to find love and all, and I genuinely hope it’s with each other. But I think your dog is cool AF and I would really like to pet him.

So whatdya say, Wells? You and Ari go out, see a band, talk about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness – and I’ll dog sit. You guys will make a connection and see sparks fly, and I’ll take a billion selfies with Carl.

Sound like a plan? I think it does.

For any questions, comments, inquiries, suggestions, or just to get Ari’s number I’m @kendrasyrdal on Twitter, or you can email me here.

I’ll be waiting.

(And no not with a rose joke like you were hoping for. I told you I don’t watch the fucking Bachelor.) TC mark

51 Cute Things To Say To Your Boyfriend That Will Completely Make His Day

Posted: 04 Sep 2016 02:00 PM PDT

@m_pinkerton
@m_pinkerton

1. When I’m with you my bad day becomes a good one.

2. The best nights are spent with you.

3. You know why you’re special? Because I love you.

4. I have you, what more do I need?

5. If there were an award for best boyfriend, I’d give it to you.

6. Want to know one thing you’re REALLY good at? Making me the happiest girl alive.

7. Today was the longest day because I could not wait to see you at the end of it.

8. I’d compare my love for you to something great, but I don’t love anything the way I love you.

9. There’s a particular smile I get when I’m with you, and it’s definitely my favorite one.

10. It’s never a bad day if you’re in it.

11. You’re kind of amazing, and by kind of I mean you’re like the greatest thing ever.

12. You still give me butterflies every time I see you.

13. Your smile is the best thing I’ve seen all day.

14. Will I ever get bored of you? Probably not.

15. If I were to live on another planet I’d want to take you with me.

16. My hand likes your hand (hold hands).

17. I think you’re cute all of the time, not just sometimes.

18. You’re one of the better things that has happened to me.

19. I had a dream about you last night, and then woke up with you right next to me, and I was like ‘wow, my dreams are basically my reality.’

20. Your face makes me smile.

21. I thought about you way too much today.

22. I want to thank you for being you.

23. I could do absolutely nothing with you, and still have fun.

24. You’re too cute.

25. You’re the type of person who makes me wonder why I ever enjoyed being single.

26. How do you always know how to make me feel better?

27. I’d sit in a room full of crying babies for 5 hours if it meant being next to you.

28. You know what I love even more than (name favorite dessert/candy)? You. You know why? Because (favorite dessert/candy) can’t kiss me the way you do.

29. Your laugh makes me smile.

30. Do you try to be perfect or it just happens?

31. I wish I could kiss you every single time I wanted to, which would be basically all the time.

32. I can’t stop thinking about you.

33. If we were in a zombie apocalypse, I’d make sure the zombies ate me first.

34. If the zombies did get you first, I’d want you to eat my brains right after.

35. I don’t know what’s cuter, your (choose an attribute/quality) or your smile.

36. Why are you so amazing?

37. I like you, and your face.

38. No one can make me feel the way you do.

39. Even the things you do that annoy me, make me love you. How is that possible?

40. If I had a dollar for every time you run through my mind I probably wouldn’t need to work another day in my life.

41. You smell heavenly.

42. I would watch (tv show/movie you aggressively hate) everyday if it meant I could be with you.

43. Come closer, I want you near me.

44. I just want to cuddle you.

45. I’m my best when I’m with you.

46. The best nights are spent with you.

47. You mean the world to me.

48. Tomorrow will be a good day because it will start with you (for when you two will wake up together).

49. It doesn’t matter how this day began, all that matters is that now I’m with you.

50. I’ve been waiting to kiss you for far too long (after not seeing him for a day or two, or however long you’ve been apart).

51. You’re the one thing that made this already good day even better. TC mark

How You Know You’re Totally Over Him, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Posted: 04 Sep 2016 01:00 PM PDT

unsplash.com
unsplash.com

Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

You get ‘back in the game’ in terms of literally everything that you do – you’re once again the first to show up to work and you are balancing a million different tasks before it’s even lunchtime. You’re signing up for extracurricular activities again, RSVP-ing ‘yes’ to every social invitation you receive, and focusing once again on self-improvement and ‘working on you.’

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

You no longer feel crushing jealousy when you think about him with someone else, you’re getting back into your favorite lively activities (gardening, music, dancing, etc), and you’ve started to appreciate the fun of casual flirting once again.

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

You’re getting back into exploring your creativity – reading, writing, journaling, playing an instrument, whatever it is that brings you joy and peace. You’ve also been able to finally let go of the idea that he was your soulmate, and are more focused on your friendships and meeting new people.

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

Your mood swings have lessened, you’re finally taking your friends up on their invites to group dinners or girls night out, and you’re finally able to say that – as hard as you may have fallen – he was not good for you.

Leo

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

You’re able to look at the relationship objectively and pinpoint why it would never have made you happy in the long run. You’ve started to put more of your energy into work, your social life, and your newest goals and resolutions – rather than wasting that energy wondering if you’d be happier if you were still with him.

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

You’ve started doing what you want rather than worrying about pleasing anyone else, especially him. You’re making more room for ‘play’ in your life instead of obsessing over work, and you’ve begun reorganizing your life to give you back a sense of control and peace.

Libra

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

You still hate being alone, but you’ve made an effort to surround yourself more frequently with your family and friends so that you no longer feel dependent on him whatsoever for human interaction and love.

Scorpio

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

You’re once again volunteering for any leadership opportunities that come your way, you’re comfortable sleeping on your own without him beside you anymore, and you’re talking out your feelings with people you trust because you know it’s the best way to keep progressing on the path towards healing your heart.

Sagittarius

(November 23rd to December 21st)

You’re spending more time outdoors again, you’re planning trips and traveling as much as you can, and you’re beginning to re-appreciate the freedom of having no ties to anyone and the beauty of being able to come and go as you please.

Capricorn

(December 22nd to January 20th)

You’ve stopped expecting the worst in every situation, you’ve let up a little bit on your perfectionist nature and are leaning more towards your fun and playful side, and you’re opening up to the idea that there could be someone else out there who’s a much better match for you than he ever was.

Aquarius

(January 21st to February 18th)

You’ve stopped running in the opposite direction every time your friends try to get you to talk through what you’re feeling, you’re spending more time on the intellectual activities that bring you joy (reading, taking classes, joining a book club, etc), and you’re no longer stuck on the idea that he was the only person you’ll ever be able to relate to on a deeper level.

Pisces

(February 19th to March 20th)

You’ve stopped throwing pity parties, you no longer answer his calls and texts (whereas before, you were always overaccommodating towards him), and you’re happily bouncing around between all your different friends again – coming up with fun plans and outings that are easily taking your mind off him. TC mark

Ranking Every Zodiac Sign Based On How Good They Are In Bed

Posted: 04 Sep 2016 12:00 PM PDT

maryellencombs
maryellencombs

Capricorn

(December 22nd to January 20th)

I’ve said it before: Capricorns are the prudes of the Zodiac. Don’t get me wrong — they can be great in bed, but it comes from a competitive spirit of needing to be the best at everything. If you’re looking for a lusty long term relationship where the sex is anything but perfunctory, you’re going to be out of luck here.

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

Geminis are the most passionate sign, and they can be passionate lovers. But they can also be a bit wimpy in other areas you need in order to be good in bed: the ability to pay attention to other people, and the ability to focus one thing for a period of time. Expect a lot of big sloppy kisses and vigorous thrusting, but not a lot of intensity or knowledge behind any of the acts they do.

Aquarius

(January 21st to February 18th)

Aquarians are deep thinkers with unique interests and can be good in bed because they’ve probably read all sorts of rare articles on the topic. But they fuck in a detached way that’s more about them being in their own head than them being with you. To be fair, mature Aquarians can open up a bit more and be incredible partners.

Sagittarius

(November 23rd to December 21st)

Sagittarians are playful lovers whose only fault is their lack of variety. Not every sex session needs to be playful or light-hearted. Intensity and passion are good things, even if your fun-loving souls deems them “too serious” — your partner’s interpret it as a lack of seriousness about them.

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

Virgos are good at sex because Virgos are good at everything. They don’t do anything with less than perfection — they study up and come prepared. Their only area of improvement is going to be the way they need time to prepare before they are ready to try something new. If you stumble into the perfect opportunity for public sex, they’re going to need at least 15 minutes to Google potential consequences first.

Leo

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

Leos are great in bed if you’re the kind of person who can stand to heap praise on them the entire time. They’ll put on a show for you, and you’ll definitely enjoy it, there’s just a “cover charge” to being with a Leo and it’s a steady stream of compliments that may take you out of the moment if you’re not a verbal person.

Libra

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

Libras can be good and bad in bed for the same reason: they’re extremely tuned into the thoughts and feelings of others. On the plus side, this means they can quickly zero in on what really turns you on. On the bad side, if there’s any kind of disharmony in your relationship, they’re not going to be “in the mood.”

Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

Aries are adventurous lovers who are always game to try something new. They have no problem tweaking their style to suite their partner, as trying something someone else likes is one of their favorite parts of relationships in general. They’ll go out of their way to try a million different things until they figure out what really pleases you.

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

A Taurus will win you over with their skill and intensity. They love sex, and they put work into making sex good. They make the people closest to them feel secure and beloved. They love to spend time taking turns spoiling each other with physical pleasure.

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

Cancers are the most sensual sign in the Zodiac, the love every aspect of sex (as long as it’s with someone they care about). They savor their partner’s pleasure and are quick learners when it comes to what makes their body tick. If you want to be kissed, caressed, and treasured throughout the deed, choose a Cancer.

Pisces

(February 19th to March 20th)

If you want to be good, passionate sex, sleep with a Pisces. They’re old souls who see sex as an art. They use it as a way to express themselves, and the act is elevated as a result. People who are with a Pisces lover get to see the physical manifestation of their lover’s feelings, what more can you ask for?

Scorpio

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

It’s hard to argue that Scorpios are the best lay in the Zodiac. They’re lively, passionate, and intense. There are no lazy lovers under this sign. Sex with a Scorpio will play in your highlight reel long after the relationship has ended. TC mark