Thought Catalog


I’m Still Not Giving Up On You

Posted: 05 Sep 2016 08:00 PM PDT

Flickr / (Salt of the Earth)
Flickr / (Salt of the Earth)

To the guy I never gave up on but who decided to give up on me:

Hi, my love! I never thought it would end this way. You said you will never give up. On me. On us. You said you would stay no matter how complicated things become. You said you would never leave. You didn’t just “say” it. You “promised,” love, you PROMISED.

I held onto to every single promise, to every single word in all your promises. I believed every “never,” every “promise,” every “sorry,” every “always.” I believed every “I promise baby I’ll never leave,” every “I’ll always choose you, my love,” and every “no giving up.” I didn’t just “believe” you. I “trusted” you, my love, I TRUSTED you.

I trusted you that you’ll keep all your promises. I didn’t think all the “I’ll never leaves” would turn into “I can’t do this anymore” and all the “No giving ups” would become “Let’s end this.” I never imagined this would happen. I thought you wouldn’t give up because I never gave up on you. But you gave up, love, you GAVE UP.

You gave up because I made a mistake, because I hurt you, because I pushed you to the edge. You gave up because I didn’t give you what you wanted and when I finally gave it, it was too late. I know every reason why you gave up and I’m sorry, I really am. I couldn’t blame you for giving up baby, I can’t. And as much as I want to hate you for giving up on me, on us. I can’t. I just can’t. I love you that much, baby, I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH.

I love you still and always will, and you know that. You said you loved me too, so much. But I guess love isn’t enough for you to stay. Love isn’t enough for us to work. Maybe love is never enough. But here’s one thing I want you know: I’m still here waiting, my love. I don’t know until when. I don’t know for how long. But even though you decided to give up on me, I’m still not giving up on you. TC mark

I Don’t Do ‘Casual’ (And Here Is Why You Shouldn’t Either)

Posted: 05 Sep 2016 07:00 PM PDT

benjhaisch / Lightstock
benjhaisch / Lightstock

I’m not here to tell you what to do with your love and sex life. By all means, enjoy yourself. Put yourself out there. Have fun! (and be safe). I am not going to judge someone by what they choose to do or what they choose to not do.

However, I really do believe that casual relationships and casual sex can end up hurting people in the long run. This isn’t any news to you all, I’m sure. Girl meets boy, girls falls for boy, and boy leaves her with a broken heart. Sound familiar?

Do what you want. Do as you please. But, I’m going to share with you what I have learned from trying to do ‘casual’ relationships.

And here is why I will never do it again.

I was never a ‘casual’ type of girl. I was a solid ‘relationship’ girl. But when I lost my first love in college, I felt a switch turn in my head. All of a sudden, I felt a craving to explore. I felt a craving to meet new guys and to see what my options were. So, I managed to fall hard for a guy or two during my sophomore and junior year.

And let me tell you, when I fall, I fall hard. Like, ‘smack down face planted on the pavement’ hard. Before, I was always used to a guy either telling me he was interested or not. I was always used to the truth.

But, ‘casual’ is always a blurred line. It’s always twisted and it is never, ever going to be what you ultimately need or want.

But, I kept trying the casual thing. I kept falling. And failing. And guess what I realized after all of that hard work? It wasn’t worth it. It just wasn’t. No matter what I did or what I said, these guys didn’t care. They didn’t want to be serious. They didn’t want to be in a relationship. Of course, they all told me this AFTER I told them how I felt about them. Of course, they all told me this AFTER I had gotten the guts to kiss them first. 

I kept trying. I kept meeting new people, and thinking that it would be different this time. I kept my hopes high. I was optimistic as heck. I felt unstoppable when I connected with someone on a level that was something deeper than anything physical. But always, no matter if it was two weeks later or two months later, they would end it.

Maybe my mind just isn’t cut out for casual relationships.

Sometimes, I wish it was! I wish I could let go of my thoughts and just have fun without strings attached. I wish I could let go of my fears, and just chill out. I sometimes envy people that can do this. But, what I have realized is, I was not made to do things half way. I was not made to do 50%. I was made to love deep. To love hard. And to never accept anything less.

So, have fun. Do whatever makes you happy. But, I hope you know that you deserve love. You deserve to look at someone and trust that they won’t walk out. You deserve 100%. Always. TC mark

16-Year-Old Made This Eerie Facebook Post Only Hours Before His Death

Posted: 05 Sep 2016 06:15 PM PDT

Lee Ridgway was a 16-year-old in the United Kingdom who worked as a designer at Hollister.

Facebook
Facebook

At 1:00am last Monday, his body was found on the railroad tracks in Stockport. He was dead, apparently killed by an incoming train.

Just hours before his death, however, he posted this chilling message:

Facebook
Facebook

This extremely eerie message seems to suggest that Ridgway knew his death was only hours away.

His family has released a statement, emphasizing how much he would be missed:

“Lee was a brilliant, kind, clever and popular person to all who knew him and will be greatly missed.”

He also made a cryptic tweet on Twitter:

A very tragic situation. Thoughts and prayers are with his friends and family. TC mark

If you are or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, help is available 24/7 at 1-800-273-TALK
If you are or someone you know is struggling with issues related to gender identity or sexual orientation, The Trevor Project can help 24/7 at 866-488-7386

6 Phrases That Are Subtly Ruining Your Relationships

Posted: 05 Sep 2016 06:00 PM PDT

@IngridNagyPhotography
@IngridNagyPhotography

Relationships are hard at the best of time, but with the surge of social media and online dating apps, relationships have got a hell of a lot harder over the past 20 years or so.

Why? We have never before had such unrestricted access to 'other people's relationships, 'other people's rules' and 'other alternatives' to compare against what we have with our own partners.

It puts unnecessary pressure on you and your relationship and too often, we end up thinking and saying things because we think it's the norm, not because it's actually right for you.

I've put together 6 words and phrases that I think should be banned from modern-day relationships but fear not, I have also some alternative suggestions to help along a healthy happy relationship.

1. Girlfriend/Boyfriend

Too much pressure is put on couples early on to 'define their relationship' and 'put a label on it.' Admittedly, the connotations of 'girlfriend' and 'boyfriend suggest that you're committed and you're exclusively with one another, but do you really need a label to establish that you are enjoying spending time together? Or do you just need to have an honest conversation about what your expectations are of one another in your relationship.

The second reason I don't like this is because one of my dear friends is bi-sexual. She hates the term 'girlfriend' because people automatically assume she doesn't like men. She said she loved when her and her now wife got engaged because she could refer to her girlfriend as her fiancé and so no one would label her with LGBT tag either way. She wasn't ashamed, she just got sick of correcting people when they presumed she only liked women.

Replace it with: Partner, significant other, other half or friend.

2. Relationship Status

Following on from my previous point – there is a certain expectation to 'define the relationship', most of all from Facebook. I have 834 friends on Facebook, and if they don't already know I have a boyfriend then they're not really my friends.

There's nothing more humiliating than being forced to change your Facebook status from 'in a relationship' to 'single'. Just save yourself the pain and embarrassment and don't declare it!

In fact, Facebook can generally be pretty damning for any relationship. Just read Nicole Weavers '7 Subtle Ways Facebook Is Destroying Your Relationship' to see why.

Replace it with: Nothing. You can hide your relationship status (make it private to you only). When someone clicks 'about' it won't appear for the Facebook world to see!

3. He should / She should

Put the rulebook down – please! This is the 21st century and
while chivalry is nice, I like to think of myself as strong, independent and quite capable of sharing the responsibilities of a relationship.

Replace it with: We should. Share the responsibility and own your relationship.

4. (High/Low) Standards

When looking for a significant other, rating one another is not only shallow but degrading to both you and whoever you wish to date. Ever heard that rule – rate yourself out of 10 and then date someone 2 above or 2 below. So if you're a 7/10 you can date a range of 5-9. Excuse my French but what a load of shit.

Date whomever you want to date and if they're good looking, that's great but I guarantee a relationship will last longer with someone who is compatible because you share similar interests, values and goals (not just because you look good in a mirror together).

Replace it with: Compatibility. If you're going to rate anything, rate how compatible you think you are together. A good test – if you were to be stuck in an elevator, how long do you think you could keep a conversation going before you're screaming for help?

5. It's time…

'It's time to define the relationship', 'it's time to say I love you', 'it's time to move in together'…

Put the rulebook down. Go at your own pace, not the pace of your best friend, your parents or worst of all your favorite celebrity (because those relationships always last, right?). Don't get mad because he's not asked or said what you want to hear, or he hasn't called you back yet. Time is precious, but there's no need to don't through a relationship, trying to reach all your milestones according to a set schedule. Enjoy the journey.

Replace it with: 'It feels right' or 'Do you think it's time…'
Work out those relationship milestones together or simply trust your gut. If your guts telling you that it's right, it's probably right.

6. #RelationshipGoals

For one, I cannot take anything with a hash tag in front of it seriously. Secondly, we should not be basing our own relationships on anything other than the two people who are involved in it. If you have 'goals' that's great but please do not compare your relationship to something as unattainable or idealistic as a posed picture of two models on Facebook or Instagram.

This article reinforces exactly why #RelationshipGoals Should Actually NEVER Be Your Relationship Goals.

Replace it with: Relationship Goals (no hashtag)

Your real relationship goals should be decided between you and your partner and they need to be realistic. For example, one of my relationship goals is to buy a house with my partner. We are currently saving to do so – a real, attainable relationship goal. Simple! TC mark

10 Things Women Who Value Their Self-Worth Do Differently In Relationships

Posted: 05 Sep 2016 05:00 PM PDT

Twenty20 / saritawalsh
Twenty20 / saritawalsh

Poor self-worth is what traps us in bad relationships, what sabotages new relationships, and what causes us to feel so devastated and broken when a relationship ends.

Having high self-esteem doesn't guarantee a happy relationship, but it does equip you with the skills to identify what you want and what you deserve to have, and the strength to walk away if something falls short. Here are ten things people with high self-esteem do differently in their relationships:

1. Confident women don't analyze if he likes them – they assume he does.

People with high self-esteem believe they are worthy of love and don't question how someone feels about them. They know that they are good, competent, and lovable and trust that the right person for them will see this. They don't attach their worth to what a guy thinks and, as a result, don't feel stressed and anxious when a guy's feelings are unclear. Instead, they assume he likes them and are able to be present in the relationship and enjoy it without being weighed down by fears and doubts.

2. Confident people realize if a relationship falls apart it's because it wasn't right.

Not because they did something wrong.Not everyone is a match and sometimes, two people are just incompatible. This doesn't make either of them flawed or bad – sometimes it's just not there. Confident women don't take it personally when a guy doesn't want a romantic relationship. They realize that it must not be the right match and they move on, with their sense of self firmly intact.

When a girl is insecure, however, and a guy leaves, she spirals. She may obsess, analyze, and replay every interaction in an attempt to uncover what she did wrong. She may know on a conscious level that it simply wasn't a match, but deep down she holds on to the destructive belief that she was the problem…and that she is unlovable and the guys she wants will never want her back.

3. Confident women set healthy boundaries.

Healthy personal boundaries and high self-esteem go hand in hand. Having strong boundaries means you prioritize your needs and your emotions and do not assume responsibility for someone else's needs and emotions.

Confident women know what they will and will not accept and don't allow themselves to be pressured or guilted into doing things they don't want to do. They act in accordance with who they are and what they believe and don't cater their behavior for a guy, or do things solely to keep him interested and happy. When you have weak boundaries, you may sell yourself out in a relationship and put up with treatment that you know is objectively unacceptable. Confident people don't abandon parts of themselves in order to have a relationship. They bring their fully formed self into the relationship and if the guy wants something else, or something more, they leave.

A woman with healthy boundaries will not lose herself in a relationship, and will not allow her identity to be entirely contingent upon how he sees her. She will continue to maintain her own life outside of the relationship without giving up her friends, hobbies, or alone time. She won't abandon important parts of herself or her life for the sake of the relationship and if a guy wants something else or something more than she's willing to give, she'll leave.

4. Confident women trust themselves and the decisions they make.

A key component of having high self-esteem is trusting yourself to make the right choices while also realizing you are well equipped to cope should things go awry. People with high self-esteem don't constantly question their actions and feel conflicted about the right thing to say or do. They act on how they feel and are comfortable being their true, authentic selves.

People with low self-esteem don't trust their judgment, don't trust their gut instincts, and are afraid of being wrong. As a result, they either live their lives in a constant state of anxiety, or they look to others to guide them along the right path. This obviously does not do much to help one's sense of autonomy, which is also a key element of healthy self-esteem.

5. Confident women don't show off or talk themselves up.

Confident people don't need to tell the world how great they are. Only insecure people secretly feel that they are unworthy and feel the need to hide this by bragging about their achievements or talking themselves up.

A woman who reveals herself gradually, carefully peeling back the layers over time, is significantly more attractive than a woman who lays it all out there. When you feel that you are worthy, you don't need to tell people…they just know. A big mistake insecure women make in the early stages of dating is selling themselves to a guy. This can be completely innocent, but it comes from a deeper sense of insecurity and inadequacy. Confident women don't need to sell themselves; rather, they use dating as a means to determine which guys are worthy of their time and affection.

6. Confident women accept responsibility.

Confident people accept responsibility for their actions and emotions. They don't blame or shame their partners if they feel unhappy and don't accuse him of "making" them feel a certain way. They don't blame men for being jerks and they don't view themselves as the victims of other people and circumstances.

They realize that their time is their responsibility. As a result, they don't wait around in dead-end relationships, hoping something will magically change. And they don't blame their exes for wasting their time. They take responsibility for their choices, both good and bad, and use mistakes as opportunities to grow and become even better.

7. Confident women take the relationship for what it is and don't need it to be a certain way.

Confident people feel secure in their relationships. They don't need to have a title or a ring as some sort of confirmation that the guy cares. They are able to just be present and in the relationship and let it unfold organically, without force or pressure. This is not to say they stay with guys who won't commit and are all cool and go-with-the-flow about it. If a guy can't commit in the way they want, then they'll move on. They are able to give and receive freely in their relationships and as a result, they don't stress out about labels. They just know that if it's right, it will work out. And if it's not right, they'll move on.

8. Confident women don't stay in bad relationships.

Confident people do not stay in relationships where they don't feel respected, appreciated, and valued. And they don't assume full responsibility if a relationship isn't working and take it upon themselves to try to solve the problem by giving and doing more. They aren't afraid to walk away when something isn't working and the thought that they won't be able to find better or that they will wind up alone doesn't cross their mind. The can quickly see when a situation is damaging and will remove themselves immediately.

Only insecure people put up with treatment that is unacceptable, in large part because they feel that that's what they deserve on some level. When you learn to value yourself, you will weed out anyone who doesn't truly value you.

9. Confident women don't desperately seek reassurance.

People with high self-esteem know they are loved and lovable. They don't need a guy to remind them every day – it's just something they feel and know. When you are insecure, you need constant validation and become resentful if your partner doesn't give it to you. You blame him for "making you" feel insecure in the relationship, or unloved. You may work harder to try to please him and earn his love, or you may withhold your love and affection to even the score. This manifests as neediness (the number one relationship killer): you need constant reassurance and if you don't get it, you lash out and blame your partner for not providing it.

The fact is, if you don't feel good about yourself, nothing he does will ever be enough. If you don't truly believe you are worthy of love, you will never believe someone else can love you. What happens is the relationship becomes a battle of wills: you fight for validation, he retreats because he feels pressured and suffocated, you view his retreat as a sign he doesn't love you and fall into despair, he resents that nothing he does is good enough and the fact that you don't trust how he feels and stops trying, you see this as further proof he doesn't care…and either the relationship ends or continues to make you both miserable indefinitely.

10. Confident women choose wisely.

Confident people use their head and heart when choosing a romantic partner. They are able to quickly assess if someone is emotionally healthy and can give them what they need in a relationship. They don't let their ego get too intertwined with their emotions and they make sure they are fundamentally compatible with someone before they get too involved.

A core concept to understand when it comes to relationships is like attracts like. Meaning, a confident person will attract another confident person. An insecure person will unconsciously seek out relationships with men who will make them feel more insecure. They will want the unavailable guys, the guys who can't commit, the guys who have walls up. These are the ones they will feel infatuated by, not the ones who show real, genuine interest. Oftentimes, this happens because on an unconscious level, the insecure girl feels that if she can break through his walls, or get him to change his ways, then she'll really be worthy and valuable. This never, ever works. Instead, she just ends up compromising her integrity even further by chasing the relationship.

If you don't value yourself, then you will always be attracted to people who don't value you either. Confident people value and accept themselves for who they are. They embrace the good, and are accepting of the not-so-good. As a result, they attract quality partners and are able to connect on a real, genuine level, one that leads to real intimacy and a healthy relationship. TC mark

Sabrina Alexis is a writer and the author of the book Everything You Need To Know If You Want Love That Lasts.

Everything You Need To Know If You Want Love That Lasts_book-mockup_FBFor more about Sabrina and her book, check out howtomakelovelast.com.

This post originally appeared at A New Mode

6 DIY Beauty Hacks That’ll Make You Feel Sexy Beyond Belief

Posted: 05 Sep 2016 04:00 PM PDT

iStockPhoto.com / CoffeeAndMilk
iStockPhoto.com / CoffeeAndMilk

Not every girl out there was blessed with a body oh-so-feminine and curves to die for but that doesn't change the fact that all girls want it. Popularized by the gorgeous Armenian beauty Kim Kardashian, the hourglass shape took Kate Moss' skinny ideal down from the throne, and encouraged all the curvy girls to embrace their figure and feel wonderful in their skin.

Sure, the love-your-body campaign came with a lot of backlash, too. All the curvy girls who were hiding in the closet, while the skinny dominance ruled the streets and catwalks, now gained confidence and showed what their mama gave them. They started promoting body positivity and beauty in all sizes. And the backlash? It came with the judgmental folk, internet trolls — if you will — who kept making an effort to shame and discourage these gorgeous women. But, we are here to celebrate the female shape, love and appreciate its every curve.

Just note, being feminine isn't just about the body shape. It's about the woman's grace, the way she behaves and carries herself. Most of it is linked to self-confidence, but apart from that, there are a few tricks you can do to make yourself look and feel more feminine.

Here's how:

1. Smile often

Wipe that smirk off of your gorgeous face! Smile often, exude happiness and let those pearly whites shine. Being happy is a definite sign of confidence and femininity, and it's sending a message to the world that you are ready for all the daily challenges. With a massive smile on – you'll melt the hearts of even your biggest critics.

2. Embrace shapewear

Shapewear has always been a big part of feminine wardrobe. However, with the hourglass shape popularized, things have gone more eccentric than ever. Girls now have the option to choose among an amazing array of body shapers fit for every size, shape and occasion and effortlessly mix and match them with their existing pieces of clothing.

The choices are many, but in essence — there are three main shapewear silhouettes to rely on:

3. Full body shapers

This type of shapewear is meant to smooth out all the bumps and curves on the body — from your bra to below your panty section. All thick girls know that a few bumps of cellulite here and there are completely normal, and full body shapers are there to trick the naked eye. Full body shapers are worn with your own bra. Just as a good shaper will do wonders for your body, a good-fitting bra will do just as much to flatter your figure.

4. Brief shapers

This one is the most popular shaper for quite some time now. It is waisted and it's giving your tummy and bottom the right support. Depending on the style, these shapers can include upper leg and upper torso shaping too, which is amazing for whenever you want to show off your curves in that gorgeous body-con dress you've just purchased.

Generally, these garments offer excellent shaping and versatility which is why they can be worn under virtually any outfit. If you like wearing shorter hemlines but you still want your figure smooth, opt for panty cut styles, that do not go down the leg.

5. Cami shapers

Cami shapers are the best option when you don't want to wear a shaper on your lower half, but you still want to smooth out your back or waist. With this model your lower back and tummy will be pressed and evened out, and you'll get a seamless look across the back of your bra band. Magical!

NOTE: When you are choosing a shaper, make sure you stay within your own size and shape. Never go for a size smaller or bigger hoping to achieve a thinner figure – you'll just achieve a contra-effect.

6. Don't shy away from makeup

Natural beauty is very important, sure. And, really — you don't need to slap on tons of makeup to look your best, but only enhance your best features. A little bit of bronzer on the cheekbones, lip gloss/lipstick on the lips for a cute pout, a bit of mascara to make your eyes pop and you are done! Light makeup will soften up your face and give it a gentler feel. TC mark

This Is How I Fucking Moved On (And How You Should Too)

Posted: 05 Sep 2016 03:00 PM PDT

Danielle Moler
Danielle Moler

I was ready.

Ready to spend a lifetime with you.

You said, "Forever, no matter what".

I held into that for 7 years, regardless of how much I saw myself being destroyed.

Regardless of how much you made me feel like shit.

Regardless of how many times you cleared your inbox history conversation with so many girls.

I loved you with my soul.

Even if it meant choosing you over my family and friends.

Even if it meant 7 years of not receiving flowers, and not being called beautiful.

Even if you said I was a good writer, without reading any of my articles.

I believed in us because you said I should.

With my swollen eyes, heavy heart, tired soul, lost self-esteem, I was still able to love you like brand new. I braved up for you, because I thought you would brave-up for me too.

I thought you were strong enough for me, like how I am strong enough for you.

But you left.

It was the first time that I didn't believe you. You couldn't leave. You said "No matter what."

But you left.

I asked you to stay.

But you left.

I begged you to stay. I reminded you of all the things you promised me; those were the only things that kept me waking up every morning. I held unto it like it was my only survival.

But you left.

There was only pain. I was delirious. I stopped being alive.

You left with a silence I can't stand listening to without shouting.

So I left you.

Finally, I realized, if I was able to love you this great, I am great enough to kick your ass out of my life.

So I let pain happen, with my hands shaking and eyes crying hard, I faced it, eye to eye.

Screw keeping myself busy.

Forget about going out with friends and getting drunk.

Forget about self-help books.

Forget about all these bullshit list to do to move-on

Face it.

Even if it means shouting, and losing control.

Even if the world will call you pathetic.

Even if it will going to make you look like shit.

Tell the world that you are in pain because you've been naïve, and you made a mistake.

Stop being happy, let pain happen. Let it destroy you so beautifully that the only thing left for you to do is to calmly heal.

There's no other way.

This is how you fucking move-on without sulking, without looking back, and not missing that asshole again.

So I fucked pain.

I'm glad you left.

I am a long list of beautiful possibilities again. [tc–mark]

Date Someone Who Looks At You The Way Drake Looks At Rihanna

Posted: 05 Sep 2016 02:00 PM PDT

badgalriri
badgalriri

Date someone who is unafraid to profess his love to you, just like Drake did at the VMA’s on Sunday. Date someone who isn’t ashamed of telling the world that he has been in love with you for many, many years without a second of hesitation. Date the person who lights up when you enter the room, just like Drake does every time he is in Rihanna’s presence. (Seriously this man is so in love, it’s ridiculous.)

Date someone who doesn’t apologize for stating his truth over and over again.

Date the person who doesn’t care about how much you make, or how many records you sell, but cares about the person that you are. Date the guy who will tell anybody proudly that you are the best woman he has ever met.

And date the person who will kiss you in front of millions of people, with not a god damn care in the world.

Date the person who knows your worth and who respects you more than anyone he has ever known. Date the guy who wants to introduce you to all his friends and show you off, because you are just that special to him. 

Date the person who stays. No matter how many times you breakup or makeup, you know he will always stay and be loyal to you. Date the guy who is your best friend, not just a lover. Date the person who actually gives a crap about your well being. Who treats you with respect and who is real with you, on and off camera.

Date the person who you can trust with your whole heart, because you know he would never break it.

Date the guy who writes you songs. Who puts you in the center of his choruses and hooks. Who sings over and over again about how much you mean to him. And if he doesn’t write, date the guy who includes you in his passion. Who makes you a part of his life. Who includes you in everything that he does. 

Let’s be honest. We all deserve a ‘Drake’ in our lives.

We deserve the guy who is blunt about how he feels about us. We deserve the guy who adores our bodies, souls and minds. We deserve the guy who won’t ever let us go.

Rihanna, you are one lucky girl. I hope you appreciate him as much as we all would. I hope you know that finding a guy like that is rare.

Drake, keep doing your thing. Keep looking at Rihanna with hearts coming out of your eyes and making us all realize that we should never settle for anyone that doesn’t look at us the way you look at her.

Find the person who looks at you exactly how Drake looks at Rihanna. Don’t settle for anything else. You, just like Rihanna, deserve the best. And you deserve true love. TC mark

I Gave You Love; You Gave Me Pain

Posted: 05 Sep 2016 01:00 PM PDT

Flickr / Chiara Cremaschi
Flickr / Chiara Cremaschi

Sometimes we are attracted to people who are just plain toxic. It’s like you are constantly grasping for the threads of hope they dangle sweetly in front of you, whether intentional or not, but you somehow still find your fingers slipping into thin air. You love seeing someone's name flashing on your phone in the middle of the night. You like it when you stay up late at night talking with them over the phone. You would do anything just to make them smile, because you love the beautiful way their lips form a curve. You crave for how they look at you when you're talking.

But when you look into their eyes, you can't see the reflection you want.

There's a disconnect, a gap that tells you that they're quite not satisfied with your presence. They aren't, and they will never be present with you. Despite of how badly you want them. And it breaks you. This is not the first time nor the last time you will feel it.

When they talk about the person they love, you want to believe that it is you that they're talking about; words reach a part of you that makes you ache in both pleasure and pain. And a part of you seeks for that pain someone could give you. There's a sudden twist to the cycle that makes you go back and forth to this person. You just can't stop yourself from returning because of all the possibilities.

Getting hurt is one of the most intimate experiences you can have with someone else. And even the strongest among us fall apart by falling in love.

But I realize that while you may not be able to control how you feel, you do have control over how you allow yourself to be treated. You should never go back to the person that hurt you by giving yourself a hope that they'll change because, realistically, they never will. And you should learn to accept that. Don't let anyone treat you as an option when you could be someone else's priority. You can never run away from these things, but a part of the solution is figuring out your limits and what you ultimately want for yourself. It’s not easy to grow when you find yourself slipping back into old, familiar patterns—pain. You should never go back to what hurts you because, in the end, your happiness is in your hands.

Some people, no matter how much we are drawn to them, are not worth that pain. TC mark

3 Likely Reasons He’s Becoming Distant

Posted: 05 Sep 2016 12:00 PM PDT

Twenty20 / lukeowen12
Twenty20 / lukeowen12

Almost every woman has experienced the panic and uncertainty that occur when her man starts pulling away or withdrawing. Maybe it happens out of the blue, maybe something sparks it, either way, it's a miserable feeling, one that leaves you feeling powerless and painfully insecure.

You question what happened, why he's doing this, and what you may have done to cause this sudden shift. The most common questions we get involve some variation of a guy suddenly backing off and the girl going into a tizzy over it.

I totally get it, I've been there. Looking back, all those feelings of worry and confusion were a waste because the answer is surprisingly simple and applies to almost every situation.

1. He's Stressed

It's pretty widely known that when a man is stressed, he retreats to his "man cave." There is a big difference between knowing something and really understanding it. Most women have a hard time accepting that this is how men deal with issues because when women are having a difficult time, their first instinct is to talk about it and seek comfort from friends or loved ones.

Men don't operate this way. When a man is having a hard time, he needs to pull back and work through his issues on his own. The biggest mistake you can make is not giving him the space to do this.

If you harp on him and pester him to talk to you and open up he will see you as another source of stress in his life and will pull away even more. This creates a vicious cycle of you pushing him, him pulling back, you pushing more, and on and on until he either distances himself from you entirely or the relationship continues with an underlying tension.

If your guy is having a hard time, be it from external sources like his job or he's having some internal emotional issue, you have to give him the space to work through it on his own. If he wants to talk to you about it, he'll seek you out. And if he does, make sure you listen to him, don't use this as an opportunity to voice your opinions on the matter and try to solve it for him. If he wants your advice, he'll ask for it.

2. You're Being Needy And He Feels Suffocated

A man doesn't have to be dealing with personal issues to feel the need to retreat. Sometimes too much neediness from you is enough to cause him to back away.

Neediness isn't so much a set of behaviors as it is a state of mind. If a man feels like you need him in order to feel OK in your life, or that you need him to fill some sort of emotional void for you, he will instinctively pull back.

Men want to feel wanted and desired, not needed. This is a very important distinction that most women overlook.

Men do enjoy being in relationships (when it's with the right woman, that is), but at the same time, most men have a huge fear of losing their freedom and getting trapped in a situation with a woman who sucks them dry and leaves them feeling drained and uninspired. A man will feel "free" in a relationship when he's with a woman who is whole and fulfilled in her life and doesn't rely on the relationship to meet her every need.

If you start to act needy, an alarm bell will instantly sound in his head warning him that he's losing his freedom and he will instinctively pull away from you.

3. He's Having Doubts About The Relationship

Doubts are normal, especially as a relationship deepens. It doesn't necessarily mean anything about you or how great of a girlfriend you've been. Maybe he's not ready for something so serious, or maybe he's a little unsure if you're really the woman he sees himself spending the rest of his life with. And that's OK.

Two people can love each other very much and still not be right for each other in the long run. Maybe something happened to spark these doubts (a fight, jealousy, lack of trust, etc.) or maybe it happened out of the blue. Don't waste your time analyzing the situation to pinpoint exactly what you did wrong, this will only make you crazy.

Instead, give him space and continue to be the best you that you can me. If you're at your best and he decides to throw in the towel, then there's no reason to have regrets and to play the shoudda, wouldda, couldda game. TC mark

Sabrina Alexis is a writer and the author of the book Everything You Need To Know If You Want Love That Lasts.

Everything You Need To Know If You Want Love That Lasts_book-mockup_FBFor more about Sabrina and her book, check out howtomakelovelast.com.

This post originally appeared at A New Mode