Thought Catalog


This Funny Tweet About Tonight’s Debate Is Going Viral Because It’s Hilarious

Posted: 09 Oct 2016 09:30 PM PDT

Ya know how Donald Trump denies everything? Like even when confronted with indisputable, video evidence of said thing?

Ya know how Donald Trump had some really messed up poses during the second Presidential Debate tonight? Like when he stalked Hillary around the stage?

What if we could combine both of these facts into a perfectly hilarious tweet? Well, I’m not that funny, but somebody else out there is.

Over 12,000 people have retweeted this. And of course they did — it has everything. Donald Trump’s quasi-orgasmic desire to deny anything that’s obvious. Trump’s bizarre debate poses. Even some salacious sex. So awesome. So great.

So, yes, weep for our nation tonight. But rejoice for this tweet. TC mark

Conflict of Interest Declaration: I once had coffee with the man who made this tweet.

Here’s What Kind Of Girlfriend You Are, Based On Your Favorite Sex Position

Posted: 09 Oct 2016 08:00 PM PDT

Thought.is
Thought.is

The Lazy Dog

He takes her from behind, except that she's reclining on her stomach instead of being on all fours.

You're the type who aims to please, but you're not going to shelve your needs altogether in tending to your boyfriend's. You're clever and resourceful enough to figure out how to keep your significant other happy while getting what you want out of the relationship too.

Reverse Cowgirl

He lies on his back and she mounts him backwards and bounces on top, facing away throughout.

A wild child at heart, you're serious about getting your kicks as a couple. You'll encourage your significant other to call in sick on a whim so you can play hooky together, or surprise him with last minute tickets to a concert on a work night. Nothing will stop you from embracing life to the fullest and your boyfriend cherishes that about you.

The Loveseat

He sits on the edge of the bed and she sits right on top of him, facing away.

You're an individual at heart. You don't need validation through eye contact or words of affirmation from a man to feel good about yourself, or to know that you're adding value to a relationship. You’re a go-getter and a woman with a keen sense of the bigger picture.

The Face Off

He sits on the edge of the bed, table, or counter and she straddles his waist, facing him, wrapping her arms around his chest.

You might be a little possessive, but only because you're madly in love with your boyfriend. You don't fall for guys blindly. You love with intent, and once you find someone special enough to commit to, you'll do whatever it takes to make sure he's yours for good. If that means cyberstalking every single one of his exes as you sip your morning coffee, so be it.

The Cat

Missionary position but misaligned, so that his shoulders are at her chest instead of being chest-to-chest and you smoosh your bodies together as closely as possible.

Others might mistake you for traditional, but you're secretly not the least bit conventional. You like to put your own twist on everything—from the meals you cook to the clothes you wear and the super weird but meaningful pet names you assign your significant other. You pride yourself on tweaking the mundane ever so slightly to create a whole new experience. You’re imaginative between the sheets, even if you like doing it in relatively straightforward positions. You’re definitely not one of those women who needs to chase “exotic” activities like naked yoga or vagina facials to enjoy herself thoroughly.

The Wheelbarrow

He sits upright at the edge of the bed and she lies on top, facing away, with her legs straddling his waist in reverse and her hands propping her up on the floor.

You're every man's dream girl. There's a long line of suitors desperate to date you at all times because you exude that easygoing vibe most girls aspire to but which can’t be manufactured. Since your options abound, you obviously don't accept just any offer. You tend to save yourself for the highest quality guys deserving of your sophisticated je ne sais quoi energy. Though you’re way too socially adept to be boastful, you have your very own subtle but impactful way of reminding your partner that it’s a privilege to date you, and that if he dares to misbehave, you will happily (and easily) replace him.

The Waterfall

He lies on the bed with his waist right at the edge, torso draping down the side, and she sits right on top.

You're a fiery lady who refuses to be phony, even at the risk of coming off as impolite or aggressive. You appreciate authenticity in everything, projecting nothing but your true self to the outside world and settling for nothing less than true love. There's a dominant spirit in you that can't be tamed, and you need a man who gets that. Some men might find you too intimidating to date, but the ones you end up falling for are crazy attracted to your unshakable confidence.

The Pretzel

She lies on her left side, he straddles her left leg and holds her right leg up by his hip while thrusting.

Dating you is kind of complicated, but that's more than okay to a certain unique subset of the male population that equates "normal" with "boring." Maybe you have diarrhea of the mouth and you're prone to fits of over-excitement but your significant other sees the beauty in your free spiritedness and originality. There's really never a dull moment for the man who enters into a serious relationship (or even a fling) with someone like you.

The Ballet Dancer

You both stand and she wraps one leg up around his waist as he penetrates.

Every move you make is deliberate, both in life and love. You've had your shit together since you were a teenager and you bring that sense of responsibility to your relationship. Thanks to you, mostly, your coupledom is marked by an overriding sense of harmony. On the rare occasions that you fight with your significant other, your arguments tend to dissolve rather quickly, because you possess the rare ability to transform even the most stressful situations into opportunities for learning and growth. You are a master at keeping—and, when necessary, reestablishing—the peace.

Drop The Soap

She stands leaning against the counter top and he surprises her from behind and thrusts himself inside her.

Something about you screams "fun." You're prone to giggling fits and you're an expert at transforming dull moments into memorable occasions with your sense of humor and your willingness to make a fool of yourself for the sake of entertaining others, especially those you love.

Missionary

Man and woman make love lying down, facing each other.

Romance is your native tongue. You know how to win a man over just by looking him in the eyes, and you have a way of making the ordinary extremely special. So what if you have an affinity for the most basic sex position? You know in your gut that you are anything but basic.

The Butter Churner

She lies back and rolls over so that her butt is all the way up in the air and her toes are touching the floor behind her, flanking her head, and he sits on top.

Newness doesn't terrify you at all. You're devoted to experimenting in all areas of life—in the bedroom, and beyond. It's this thirst for novelty that keeps you (and your relationship) alive, and that doesn't go unnoticed by the man you love, who respects and appreciates the energy you put towards spicing things up constantly. TC mark

Real Sex Stories book cover
Read more writing like this in Mélanie Berliet’s book Real Sex Stories That Will Make You Really Horny here.

14 Men Reveal Why They Cheated On The ‘Love Of Their Life’

Posted: 09 Oct 2016 07:00 PM PDT

kondratya
kondratya

Responses originally published on Reddit

1.

I don’t even know honestly. Young, dumb, and drunk I guess. It was tough but I told her the next day. Things were rough for a while but we got through it. I don’t drink without her now. I tend to be pretty calm and mild throughout the day but the moment I start drinking it turns into a shit storm and I have no idea why.

— Lethean_Waves

2.

We were together for 5 years. We had been friends for several years before dating. We lived together, bought a house together and had a daughter together. Prior to our daughter we had a very active sex life.

After our daughter was born, we hardly ever had sex, even after she got the OK from the doctor to resume sexual activity. It was once, maybe twice a month, and only if she initiated. All of my advances were shut down, often met with rather extreme and aggressive responses on her part. I was frustrated and rejected. This went on for a couple years.

She cheated on me. She was having cyber sex sessions on chatroulette and Skype. She would go to bed with me, wait for me to fall asleep, and then get out of bed and take her laptop to the living room and fuck herself on cam for random internet strangers. When I found this out, I was devastated. She would rather jerk off for random dudes on the internet than fuck her boyfriend in the next room. My self esteem had never been lower.

Eventually we reconciled, went to couples counseling and all that. I was holding on because I came from a broken family and I wanted better for my daughter. She didn’t put any effort into fixing things pretty much from the start. Before long she quit counseling and stopped all the techniques and things we had learned. I should have left then, but I continued to hang on. We acted like everything was okay, but I know I was miserable. I started to mentally check out of the relationship. I’m sure she had mentally checked out a long time ago. But I held on for my daughter’s sake. I thought it was what was best. There was no sex, no affection, no love.

I don’t know when or why I decided to do it, but one day I signed up for tinder. I consider myself a little bit above average in the looks department. I got a few matches, had some decent conversations with a few girls, although it was mostly surface and small talk. The attention felt great and my once shattered self esteem was getting a much needed boost even though it was all very innocent.

And then I matched with her. She was the exact opposite of my gf in every aspect – looks, personality, interests. She was mixed race with dark curly hair and green eyes. Her body was insane. She was gorgeous. She was funny and interesting and loved all the same things as me. She asked to meet up for coffee and I agreed.

We chatted for several hours. We had a connection. We had chemistry. We went on a few more “dates” until one day she invited me back to her place and fucked me like I’ve never been fucked before. The sex was insane. I was hooked. I would tell my gf various excuses to get out of the house and go fuck this other girl a couple times a week.

I kept at it for several months. Eventually, I found out my gf cheated on me again, this time physically with a coworker. It was rather hypocritical of me, I know, but I broke up with her for good after I found out.

As far as I know, she still doesn’t know I cheated during our period of “reconciliation.” Or at least she has never let on that she knows.

I don’t feel bad or guilty about doing it, either. It gave me a huge boost in my self esteem, and I had by far the best sex of my life. If that makes me a shitty person, then so be it.

— billybobjoe893

3.

Definitely more than once. I’m really not good in relationships. It wasn’t always that way. It’s just that the first two women I was with cheated on me with a friend (different friend), both of whom told me about it later. I found that I didn’t hate them one bit, I didn’t even really have hate for the women, just felt hurt.

I guess I developed a mindset that if I couldn’t trust women and they were likely to do it again in the future, I might as well not deprive myself. I grew rather cold and indifferent to the whole concept of monogamy.

I thought once I got married that would all change. I mean before, we were just dating or whatever but now, this is a real commitment. Then I found out after 4 years of marriage that my wife had cheated on me while I was in Iraq. Hell, it was with a girl that the two of us had a threesome with right before I left. I would have gladly given her my consent to have a sexual relationship with that woman while I was gone, but it was the deceit that killed it for me. I found myself once again growing cold towards the thought of what she might be doing whenever we weren’t together. I assumed she was probably cheating on me again but since I would probably never find out I just dismissed the thoughts as soon as they popped up.

I had this smoking hot, young coworker who would drift conversations to inappropriate topics and she sent me a few sexy pics and texts, but I kept things rather professional with her. I didn’t tell her what she was doing was unwelcome, but I also didn’t encourage her behavior either.

Then, one day, my wife made plans to go down to the Outer Banks with her friend for a Jeep rally. I skyped her one evening as she was getting ready to go to sleep. She was in the bedroom of the hotel “getting ready” for bed as most women do and she accidentally panned the phone a bit too far to the left and I saw her friend already under the blankets with her tits hanging out on top of the blankets. I think my wife kinda knew, but I played it off as I didn’t see anything, told her I loved her and to have a good night. I then texted that hot, young coworker and didn’t regret it or really feel anything negative about the entire experience, just great sex with someone new.

— PM_CUTEnCURVY_GIRLS

4.

Long distance relationship. I was not the most caring or appreciative partner. Went out with friends. Very sexually aggressive girl came onto me. Went home with her.

Felt awful afterwards. Confessed to everything even though I easily could have avoided being caught. Tried to salvage the relationship but it just didn’t work.

Considering how terrible it made me feel and how much pain I caused someone else, I don’t think I’d do it again.

Why’d I do it? Basically I guess a long distance relationship gets lonely, particularly one with its own share of lingering problems. And when an opportunity presents itself it can be very hard to turn down.

I maintain a friendship with the ex now. She’s married and lives in a different state. We’ve come to terms with our relationship’s failings. The collapse of it really led me to a lot of soul searching that changed the way I approached dealing with people. She’s good people, and deserved better than the person I was at the time.

— NoButWait

5.

I was dating a great girl. Went to a function with friends not including her. She flirted, kissed me, I kissed back. I regret it. Didn’t tell her. I’m a shitty person.

— zennegen

6.

Dated all through high school and it was the summer after senior year. Things have been going down hill and I see her kiss someone at a beach party. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back so I walked back to my house and had sex with her best friend. And then proceeded to sleep with 4 other girls that summer before we broke up to go to college.

— callitclutch

7.

I was falling out of love with her and in love with someone else. Luckily I did not go too far until I realized I was that asshole and broke it off with my ex before I continued.

Still in a relationship with the girl I cheated on my ex with after 6 and a half years so at least I know I made the right decision to move on, but the feeling of cheating on someone is awful and I wouldn’t ever do it again

JakeMan145

8.

Because I’m a sex addict. Yes, it’s a thing. No, I didn’t self-diagnose.

I’m not going to sit here and say that it’s not my fault. I may have an issue, a problem, a sickness, or whatever you want to call it. I also have the ability to correct it, and I don’t. So at the end of the day I no one but myself to blame.

It started really small, I’d flirt with people when I was with my SO. Her former marriage was open and we’d agreed that our relationship should be, too. In three years I had one disclosed liaison with her knowledge. Between kids and work neither of us had time for anything else. Then it snowballed into stuff via text, Skype, and finally Craigslist meet ups.

Fast forward a few years and into the next few relationships. I still do all of these things. And it doesn’t matter who it is, could be a woman, a man, or masturbating so much that I’m sore or miss appointments. I’m going to be sick until I decide I want to get better. And I do, because I know that I am never going to have a normal relationship until I can fix myself. All I can say in my defense is that I can’t help myself when the moment strikes.

— throwaway1616113

9.

Because I had been interested in the person I cheated with for far longer and it felt worth it. Looking back, even though it cost me the relationship, it was worth it.

My current relationships just stay open, cause that’s easier.

— Skeldal

10.

Recently dumped by an amazing girl. Was single for 3 years , of my own choice, and she was the first one in that time that made me want to date someone.

I was upset and a bit stressed over some events in the day, stuff I ended up just imagining .

A girl from my past sent me some nude snap chats, haven’t spoken to her in almost a year. I don’t know. I said “fuck it” and started sexting her.

After “the deed” was done, I felt awful, and disgusted that I just was unfaithful to my wonderful S.O. for a few minutes of “pleasure” . I decided to not talk to that girl at all. A few hours later she asked if I had a girlfriend, after going through my facebook and instagram photos. I told her yes, and she told me she’s sending everything to my girlfriend. My girlfriend didn’t find out for 3 days, all while I was freaking out and asking everyone how I should handle it. I had a huge date day planned for us after a final for one of her college classes, and I had decided (before cheating) that I wanted her to know my phone password and other passwords, to know that I had nothing to hide. I had planned to tell her I loved her, after she had said it to me in the past and I told her I felt uncomfortable saying those words to most people .

The night before she finally saw the message, and told me we were done and that she wanted some money back she let me borrow (already planned on paying her back haha we both did that from time to time..) also the concert tickets she bought for us. I begged to meet up and discuss things. The conversation didn’t go well , she broke up with me, and after I refused to give her a hug goodbye I sped off to my apartment 30 minutes away.

— Uintahwolf

11.

Married for more than 25 years, and have had multiple affairs during that time. Some of them lasted for years.

Why? Mostly due to a lack of sex from my wife and a need to feel wanted/attractive. Honestly, having affairs are probably a big part of the reason I’m still married to her. When things were at the worst between us, the affairs helped to keep me level.

Many of the women I slept with were very good friends of hers. There were only a couple who didn’t know her at all, but all of them knew I was married before anything happened. Big tip for anyone thinking of cheating – never hide your relationship from the person you’re cheating with.

— cheatingman

12.

I was horny. That’s all.

I’m still horny, but I don’t do it anymore.

— jdbgmgr_exe

13.

hmmm I cheated because I am a dick I guess, for me I really liked to have a woman that is in control of her future, and not just wanting the Mrs. Degree. The girl I was with was all about hey I can’t wait to be a mom with your kids and stuff like that, and how she hated work and just wants to be a housewife. I didn’t really like that so I started going on tinder and found a girl who is a lawyer.

We talked and hit it off, eventually after months I dumped my previous gf, for this new one. And that is when I stopped cheating. And no, neither of them know there was another girl in my life while I was with them (My previous ex I just said I didn’t feel we connected or whatever)

— bushbabysuckers

14.

First time visiting (me and the wife were LDR for 3 years) we go to a party, I am beyond drunk and chilling on the couch, wife gets up to go to the bathroom and her friend jumps in my lap out of nowhere and makes out with me, i felt like shit and told her a few days later.

She “broke up with me” to teach me a lesson with all intentions to take me back ( i deserved it) but I didn’t know that until later, worst two days of my life

— Kellykid123 TC mark

Here’s Why You’re The Annoying Person In Your Office, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Posted: 09 Oct 2016 06:00 PM PDT

 Tim Gouw
Tim Gouw

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You're too bossy, you always want to take the lead because it comes naturally to you but it can piss some people off because they don't get their chance when you're always offering to lead all team projects.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You don't like to be asked a lot of questions, you prefer to work with minimal interaction and because your emails are always so clear and precise, you're not really patient or friendly when people come to you to ask for clarifications.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You're always joking, even if everyone is having a crazy work day or stressing out, you're always cracking jokes and telling people to lighten up. Some more focused coworkers find it distracting and annoying that you're not sharing their misery with them.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You're emotional. So you always take things personally and might even take the day off if someone really bothered you. Your sensitivity can sometimes make it hard for your coworkers to communicate with you.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You're always interrupting people in meetings and presentations to voice your opinion or tell them how you think things should be done. You always have different opinions and you're not afraid to interrupt someone to voice them which can really get on your colleagues’ nerves when they're trying to make their point.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You just never mess up. You're annoying because you take every little thing into consideration which leaves your coworkers feeling inadequate and unprepared. Your perfection is something people are always trying to reach but can't seem to come even close to you.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You're too diplomatic which can make it hard for your coworkers to read you because they never know whose side you're on. You're always trying to maintain a good relationship with everyone and you don't give anyone the opportunity to hold anything against you. Office gossipers hate you because they can't get anything out of you.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You think you know it all, sometimes you do, but your attitude can annoy your coworkers because you're always showing off or bragging about how good you are or how great all your meetings went. For other less fortunate coworkers, you can make them feel like they're not working hard enough.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You're probably the CEO's best friend or their favorite person in the office and they're not afraid to admit that. You're like the golden employee and you sort of get away with things your colleagues can't.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You're the stubborn one. It's hard to change your mind once you've decided on a certain approach or a certain plan. This makes it hard for some of your colleagues to negotiate with you because they know it's your way or the highway.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You just don't like being told what to do and you're probably in the wrong place because the office life was not meant for you. Your free-spirited and rebellious nature makes it really difficult for you to adjust to the routine of an office job or the traditional way of your boss. You're always daydreaming, scribbling or doing anything but working. Your boss probably hates you.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You're always the one with the new ideas and new strategies. You're always pitching a new way of doing things because you believe it's better for everyone. You have a tendency to speak on everyone's behalf even if they didn't ask you to. Your loving nature makes it hard for your colleagues not to like you but secretly, they find it annoying that you speak for them when they can speak for themselves. TC mark

The Unedited Truth About What It’s like To Be In A Relationship With Your Goddamn Soulmate

Posted: 09 Oct 2016 05:31 PM PDT

fota1e0

Most days, I feel lucky to be in love. I have found someone I'm extremely attracted to who isn't afraid to get weird with me and who accepts me in spite of my less awesome qualities. A man who supports me wholeheartedly, and who continues to surprise me in remarkable ways that make my skin tingle and my brain orgasm. A man who's taken strides in unraveling my individual needs, and who happily endeavors to meet each one. Perhaps most importantly, a man who enjoys tackling the tasks I find abhorrent, like calling Verizon every six months to make sure we're signed up for the most cost effective phone plan.

If there's such a thing as a soulmate, I'm one thousand percent certain that this man, whom I've been seeing for nearly a decade, is it. We're a match made in mother-fucking heaven!

Except when we're not.

The truth is, sustaining a relationship with anyone is difficult, even if that person is "the one" or your "forever person" or whatever you like to call them. Not even the happiest, healthiest relationships are all love notes, impromptu tickle fights, and adorably quirky pet names.

Sometimes, it sucks to be in a relationship with the love of your life. Anyone who refuses to admit that is either a fool, or a liar.

I'm not trying to be a downer. I'm just trying to be real because I'm tired of all the happily-ever-after narratives we feed young people. False expectations will set you up for massive disappointment. So I'm sharing what I've learned from being with the same guy (whom I love madly, when he isn't annoying the fuck out of me) for many (mostly) awesome years to give you an authentic look at what "true love" is really like.

You will not always feel warm and fuzzy towards your significant other. No matter how strong your bond is—no matter how many unforgettable moments you experience together, no matter how many wonderfully kind things you say and do for each other—there will be times when you kind of want to rip each other's hair out, thread by thread, or maybe even skin each other alive.

Sometimes, you will collapse under the pressure of your job and act like a total asshole and the tension will persist until you get a good night's sleep and find it within yourself to apologize for your repulsive behavior. Other times, you will annoy the fuck out of each other inadvertently and a beautiful evening will unexpectedly turn to shit within seconds and you will threaten to leave each other because obviously you weren't meant to be together after all!!! Occasionally, you will hurt each other on purpose, and the sting of nastiness or betrayal will be so painful that you will question why you are doing this to yourself—why you've made yourself vulnerable to another human and thus subjected yourself to such agony.

It's hard to find someone you're capable of imagining forever with, and even harder to actually do the forever part—year by year, month by month, day by day, and second by second.

Forever means never giving up on someone who's bound to drive you nuts sometimes. Forever means forgiving someone again and again and again for actions or words that make you recoil with hurt and frustration. Forever means squinting to look past the things you can't stand in another human and challenging yourself to remember why you love them so damn much. Forever means digging inside yourself regularly and finding the courage to become a better person. Forever means that you never get to stop growing, as an individual or as a couple. Because the second you turn your back on growth—on the sheer will and work it takes to evolve, as people and as partners—your relationship will start to erode.

So what separates the couples that make it from those that split? Persistence. And why do the couples that make it persist? Because they've done the math and realized that the upside of being together far outweighs the downside of breaking up. That's the plain ol' simple truth. In the darkest moments, throughout the most trying times, you have to trust the double-balance scale inside your heart. It might not sound all that romantic, but the key to lasting love is sticking it out—because you've both decided it's fucking worth it. TC mark

Why Men Look For Sex And Find Love (But Women Look For Love And Find Sex)

Posted: 09 Oct 2016 05:30 PM PDT

Stephanie Krist
Stephanie Krist

Hi Evan,

I've been online dating for a while now, and I've started to notice a trend with a lot of the men who have contacted me. By way of background, I just ended a three month relationship with a man whom I met online because he did not want to be exclusive. He claimed that he didn't want to date other people but he was hurt several times in the past by cheating girlfriends and didn't want me to go thru the hurt again. For my part, I realize I'm at fault for waiting three months before asking for some type of commitment.

Hindsight has pointed out that on his profile he listed he wanted a "casual relationship" as opposite to my listing of wanting a "serious relationship". So now I'm back on the online dating scene and I'm paying better attention to what guys are saying they are looking for in their profile. Several guys put in their profile that they are looking for "friends" only, one guy even put that he's too busy for a relationship right now.

Is this a case of semantics? Are these guys really just wanting to take it slow and be friends first? If they are really just looking for friends, why don't they go on a free site like MySpace, Facebook, or Friendster? If it's just a clever way to find booty calls, why don't they go on Adultfriendfinder or Craigslist? If I want a bona fide relationship, should I just ignore these men when they contact me? Has looking for a relationship on a dating website become taboo?

Thanks for your insight,

Laura


Brace yourself for a shocking revelation!

Men very often don't know what they want.

This shouldn't come as a surprise to you. You could probably tell from our actions. But it's true. Most men can tell a story about how they weren't looking for anything serious and then fell in love. And most men can tell a story about how they were looking for love, but discovered they had a lot of fun being single. (Most women could probably say the same.)

Therefore, you have to take any information in an online dating profile with a grain of salt. It's not that he DOESN'T mean what he wrote; it just means he meant it AT THAT MOMENT. This is in accordance with the way we act on a date as well. Just because we think you're attractive and we show you a good time doesn't mean we're actually INTERESTED. It just means we're being "in the moment". Unfortunately, most women aren't familiar with this concept until it's much too late. That's why half of my questions are versions of: "He sleeps with me, but-", "He says he loves me, but-", "We had an amazing date, but-". One of the most important – and frustrating – concepts that women need to get about men is that most things have NO meaning, beyond what's being conveyed in the moment. Just because he wants a serious relationship doesn't mean he wants one with YOU. Just because he has fun with you doesn't mean he wants you as his girlfriend. Just because he thinks you're sexy doesn't mean he wants to commit to only you. Each time you think this is the case, you're setting yourself up for heartbreak.

And so we go back to Laura's insightful question – what does it all MEAN?

Well, I can only speak for myself here by pretending to be a guy dating online (I know, it's a reach. Bear with me).

So let's say I'm serious about falling in love. I go onto a dating site and list that I'm looking for marriage or a relationship. So, week after week, I date a lot of attractive women, none of whom feel like they will be my future wife. Which leaves me a number of questions that I'd like you to consider:

1. Am I supposed to NEVER hook up with them? No kissing, no foreplay, no sex with anyone that I don't think I want to marry? Do you think the standard should be: heavy petting is only in exclusive relationships, or not at all?

2. If I DO hook up, but have no intention of committing to an individual woman, does that make me a bad guy?

3. How should I notify a woman that I am not serious about her before we start a physical relationship? What's better? A written warning? Or perhaps a canned speech that while I find my date attractive and will gladly sleep with her for a few weeks, I'm actively continuing to pursue other women in the meantime? How's that gonna go over?

4. Finally, if I do, in fact, want to hook up from time to time, does that, in any way, mean that I'm NOT looking for a serious relationship?

These are real considerations that go through the heads of real guys who want real relationships. But just because a man aspires to love doesn't mean he's above the lust and passion that comes from short-term flings.

So how are men supposed to navigate this space with any integrity?

Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.
That's right. We can't. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't.

You may feel that: "I just want a guy to be honest with me. Believe me, I sometimes want to have sex, too, but I just want to know where I stand. I don't want to get hurt. He should be man enough to tell me the truth."

Men look for sex and find love women look for love and find sexSorry. We've got a different truth.

The truth is that we're attracted to you in this moment.

The truth is that we're not sure if we want a relationship with you.

The truth is that if we tell you that we don't know what's going to happen in the morning, nothing will ever happen.

So we say nothing. And hope that you don't get too attached.

Why don't we go to Adultfriendfinder for easy, no-strings-attached sex? Because it's kind of skeezy. Because there's no challenge and no human connection. Because we actually want someone that we can talk to, vent to, and hang out with.

So understand, Laura: while it might work for YOU if commitment-confused men restricted themselves exclusively to the "adult" personals, it doesn't actually work for MEN.

Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.

The exceptions don't disprove the rule.

If you find this confusing and want to learn how to navigate this emotional minefield, I am here to help. There ARE good men out there. There are relationship-oriented men out there. And often the difference between the players and the committers is YOU. The right woman at the right time can make a man want to stop playing. I know. It happened to me.

So if you're done spinning your wheels on the wrong men and want to get an edge with the right men, click here to learn more.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,

Evan

This Is What You’re Really Asking For When You Say ‘Let’s Just Be Friends’

Posted: 09 Oct 2016 05:00 PM PDT

 Arkady Lifshits
Arkady Lifshits

When you ask if we could be friends, this is what you're really asking for:

You're asking me to talk to you about other guys and maybe ask for your advice, you're asking me to spend my late nights with someone else, to stay up on the phone with someone else and maybe one day I'll cancel on you because I have a date.

You're asking me to take back my good morning and good night texts, my undivided attention, you're telling me it's okay if I'm not always there for you, you're letting me get away with not putting you first and you're telling me that it's okay to give all my loving to someone else while you're there watching.

You're giving me the opportunity to start seeing other men as more than friends, you're giving me the time to get to know others on a deeper level and you're giving me the chance to fall in love with someone else.

When you say let's be friends, you're asking me to hurt you. You're asking me to show you what you could have had but chose to lose.

When you say let's be friends, you're really asking me to show you how we can't be friends and how we never were.

When you say let's be friends, you're saying I'm okay with losing you as both a lover and a friend.

You're saying it's okay to watch me leave and be with someone else and you can't say anything about it.

Because you will realize that you had the chance, that this could've been you if only you tried harder, if only you weren't so guarded, if only you didn't use timing as an excuse, if only you had let your emotions guide you that one time…..you can't say anything but ‘if only’ and I can't say anything but ‘I told you so.’

When you say let's be friends you're asking for an invitation to my wedding day or maybe no invitation at all.

When you say let's be friends, I don't think you know what this means. I don't think you understand how it will change everything between us or how it will change me.

When you say let's be friends, you're asking me to leave you alone, to leave you lonely, to warm someone else up as you stay alone in the cold.

When you say let's be friends, you're saying goodbye.

So let me ask you, is that what you really want? TC mark

The Unedited Truth About What Love Is (And Isn’t)

Posted: 09 Oct 2016 04:30 PM PDT

Dmitry Ratushny
Dmitry Ratushny

Casual Love

Friends, put on your flak jackets. It's time to drop some honesty on yet another uncomfortable topic: love. We use the word "love" to mean a lot of things. Throughout this post I'll be referring to the romantic kind of love, the kind that usually involves sexual attraction, AKA "falling in love".

Love: The Shocking Truth

The truth about love is: it happens. A lot. It happens at appropriate times (like, when you're in a long-term relationship with someone great), and also inappropriate ones (like, when you meet somebody at a party and have a weirdly awesome conversation and then make out in a bathroom). Love is just not all that concerned with appropriateness.

We have a mythology surrounding romantic love that says it's a special, rare feeling, reserved for just a few people in your whole life. It says that love takes time to develop, and that the feelings you experience at the outset of a relationship are not love, but something else ("infatuation," "a crush," or my favorite, “twitterpation“). It also says that love is generally constant and reliable, and that falling in love is A MAJOR LIFE EVENT, about which SOMETHING MUST BE DONE!

In summation, the plot of every romantic comedy: if you fall in love with somebody, you better go out and get 'em – even if they're already married and they don't really like you and you're their stepsister and you're leaving for a six-year residency in Mongolia in the morning – because you'll probably love them forever and you might not ever love anyone else. We are so enamored with this idea that we tend to round some feelings up to love (when you first met the person you later married), and others down to not-love (your weekend fling with a Spanish dancer). The thing is, those experiences feel remarkably similar from the inside.

That Old Feeling

Love is a feeling. It's hot and fluttery and tingly. I get it in my guts and chest and face. The feeling is accompanied by a series of enthusiastic thoughts, such as "This person is the greatest person ever", "I wonder how I can make this person feel good", and/or "I want to climb onto this person and put my face close to their face and smoosh my body onto their body."

I have felt this way, to varying degrees, towards probably a hundred different people. Actually, that's a lie; it is way more. When I was a teenager, I felt it towards approximately three people per day. Lately, the torrent has slowed to once every month or three (I am a bit of a love-fiend, I know. I don't think such frequency is average.) And I'm married!

And speaking of being married, yes, I do experience this feeling towards my husband. It feels different now than it felt when we first met: softer, warmer, with more comfort and less urgency. But the love I have for my husband is surrounded by a bunch of other feelings and thoughts that are much rarer than love, in my experience. These include: a deep mutual understanding of and appreciation for each other's personalities, values, and quirks (e.g.: he finds my love-fiendishness endearing); years of shared experience; a lot of conversations about the kind of future we're aiming for; and plenty of similar tastes and preferences (e.g. New Orleans, humor, dogs, dark chocolate, Ray Charles, The Daily Show, preferred frequency of house cleaning/travel/sex).

But underneath all that is the same feeling: love. Instead of trying to deny it, or ignore it, or call it something different in each different situation, I want to call it like I feel it: I'm in love. I'm in love with my husband, several of my friends, most of the musicians who move me (including some who are dead, such as Chet Baker, who would sympathize), and a handful of people I hardly know but have had good conversations/dances/make out sessions with. I fall in love all the time.

And really, it's no big deal. It's actually kind of fun, once you get used to it.

I love you. NBD.

The kids today are having a casual sex revolution. "Hookup culture" is akin to "free love", but with more condoms and fewer hallucinogens. And I'm for it! In case you haven't heard, I like casual sex. It's my observation that as casual sex becomes more acceptable behavior (for men and women), it lessens the shame and anxiety associated with the sex that people are having anyway (and have been having since the dawn of time, and are going to keep having). I'm thrilled that young people are beginning to feel they have the option of exploring sex, safely and consensually, outside of the boundaries of long-term commitment.

But why not have the option of exploring love, too, with or without a side of commitment? If we can agree that our bodies are not inherently dangerous, can't we do the same for our hearts?

I suggest we take a page from the casual sex book here. Let's lift some of the weighty grandiosity off the shoulders of love, and allow it to be what it is: a sweet, ephemeral, exciting feeling to experience and share.

Imagine if you could say to a casual partner, "I love you. It's no big deal. It doesn't mean you're The One, or even one of the ones. It doesn't mean you have to love me back. It doesn't mean we have to date, or marry, or even cuddle. It doesn't mean we have to part ways dramatically in a flurry of tears and broken dishes. It doesn't mean I'll love you until I die, or that I'll still love you next year, or tomorrow."

Then later, perhaps over brunch, you could tackle the question of whether there's anything to do about it. All of the aforementioned – dating, marriage, cuddling, etc – are options, and there are an infinite number of other options (Skee ball, sailing around the world, double suicide). These are all things you can now choose or not choose, as two conscious, adult human beings. The important distinction is that none of them is implied just by saying the word "love".

The Point

There are advantages to separating the wacky, butterflies-in-the-gut, unpredictable feeling of "love" from the ideally rational, cool-headed decisions and agreements of "commitment". For one: love is just not a good enough reason to commit to somebody (trust me, I've tried). You need a few other ingredients: mutuality, compatibility, and availability, for starters.

The big advantage for the lover is that falling in love will feel less scary, life-threatening, and crazy-making. As long as love is theoretically reserved for people whom you want to date and possibly marry, falling in love will be confusing and dramatic. If we interpret this particular set of feelings and thoughts as an epic, life-changing event, we'll have no choice but to get really, really attached to our beloved. We'll throw a lot of expectations at them ("Love me back! Love me only! Love me forever!"), and feel hurt and resentful if the feeling is not mutual. We'll imprint upon them like baby ducks, and resolve to stick with them through thick and thin, through hell or high water, through abuse and neglect and lies and bickering and frustration and mutually-assured destruction, whether or not it brings us (or anyone else) any kind of joy.

The big advantage for the beloved
is that being loved will feel less like an attack, and more like a gift. The little-discussed fact is that it's super uncomfortable to be loved when the feeling is not mutual. So uncomfortable, in fact, that many of us would rather act like callous, cold-hearted assholes than be in the same room as the person who loves us. We panic, we get distant, we deny any interest or care for the other person, we stop returning their texts. But that's not an aversion to love, or to the lover; it's the attachment and expectation being hurled in our direction with such intensity.

If love was casual, we could take it as a high compliment, say "thanks!", and feel some warm fuzzies. We might also begin to feel some compassion for our lover (who, after all, has a stomach full of butterflies and can't eat or sleep very well), which might allow us to make better and kinder decisions about how to respond.

If love was casual, perhaps it wouldn't collide into our sense of identity or our plans for the future at such high velocity. It wouldn't feel so personal. If it's not mutual, so what? If it doesn't turn into a relationship, so what? I have feelings and desires all the time that go unsatisfied. Sometimes (okay, a lot of times), late at night, I want Chef's Perfect Chocolate ice cream, but Creole Creamery closes at 10pm. Do I panic? Do I call Creole Creamery and leave a series of desperate messages? Do I curl into a ball and lament that without Chef's Perfect Chocolate, I am a broken person who is not worthy of ice cream?

No. I deal. I feel my feelings, whine a little if I need to, and go without. Like a grown-ass woman.

And here's my favorite part:
if love is casual – not something rare and dramatic and potentially painful, but something common and easy and mutually enjoyable – we all get to feel more love, and share more love.

Sounds lovely, right? TC mark

27 Signs You’re Dating A Guy Who Truly Respects You

Posted: 09 Oct 2016 03:00 PM PDT

loveinjustine
loveinjustine

1. When he introduces you to friends and family, his brief description of who you are makes you blush because he tends to exaggerate your talents and/or greatest personality traits.

2. It turns him on to see you express a strong opinion, whether you're chatting with people you've just met or with longtime friends at a group dinner. You’ll probably catch him out of the corner of your eye, sitting back and smiling, as he watches you gesture like crazy to establish your point.

3. He defers to you on subjects you know more about and asks thoughtful questions about these topics because he genuinely enjoys learning from you.

4. If he's the expert in a given area, he's not pompous about it. If anything, he takes great pride in sharing his knowledge and/or instructing you in some way.

5. He thinks it's endearing—and not a sign of weakness—when you fuck up or struggle a little bit with something.

6. He considers it an accomplishment when he proves you wrong about something because in his mind you're right 75 percent of the time or so, whether or not you actually are.

7. He pushes you, sometimes beyond your comfort zone, to pursue your dreams and ambitions—because he believes in you that much.

8. He's always as interested in making you orgasm as he is in getting himself off.

9. He has sexual goals focused on your pleasure, like getting you to climax multiple times, or trying out a new position he's researched that supposedly feels great for women.

10. He gets a little jealous when you refer to other guys in your life whom you respect and interact with regularly—not because he doesn't trust you, but because he understands your market value and he's always a little bit afraid to lose you.

11. On the rare occasion he doesn't like something you're wearing, he manages to tell you without being offensive. In fact, he'll package an outfit critique as a compliment, such as: "That dress doesn't do your hot body justice."

12. He's not afraid of superlatives when complimenting you. You are “the most beautiful woman,” “the most perfect fit” for him, and “the smartest person" he's ever been with.

13. Once in a while, he also says something grandiose like "you are everything to me," or "you are my world."

14. After a while, he might even tack a quasi-embarrassing hashtag onto a social media post that's a not-so-subtle ode to your relationship, like #myworld or #forever.

15. He'd rather study or do mundane chores with you rather than let you do these things alone, no matter how dull or unappealing the task.

16. He wants to know your opinion about everything: wardrobe, politics, current events, career moves, the merits of a stupid celebratory rumor, etc.

17. He's not afraid to express his opinions, even when they differ from yours, because he knows you thrive during a healthy debate.

18. And while he wants to be heard, he never expects you to change your mind—unless that happens organically, in which case he'll feel super satisfied because he truly values your mind.

19. He forwards you articles he knows you'll find interesting—about things he never would have read before you started dating.

20. He is your number one fan and he considers you his.

21. When you're stressed out or upset, your down mood triggers a desire in him to be a better partner and to do his best to help you through the difficult stuff, although he recognizes that your problems don’t hinge on him alone.

22. If you get nasty or say something extreme in the midst of a fight, he doesn't let it impact his view of you because he knows he’s equally capable of saying something stupid in the heat of the moment.

23. When he hurts you, he takes your pain seriously and makes a heartfelt commitment to be more mindful of your feelings moving forward.

24. He leans on you when he's sick, exhausted, sad, or in need of extra love and attention just because.

25. He's committed to dividing your free time as a couple between your friend groups and he makes an effort to integrate the two whenever it makes sense.

26. He goes out of his way to invite you to social events and work related gatherings, even if he knows he'll be the only guy with a "plus one."

27. If he does head somewhere without you, he'll text saying that he wishes you were there—not just to flatter you, but because he really does have more fun when you're around. Chances are, he’ll come home earlier than he would if you were with him. TC mark

11 Things Every Introvert Must Do Just To Keep Their Sanity

Posted: 09 Oct 2016 02:30 PM PDT

Noah Silliman
Noah Silliman

1. Ducked into a store to avoid someone I knew on the street because I didn't want to chit-chat. Grabbed something off the rack and fled into a change room when I thought they might be peering in the window to see if it was me. Later returned the iridescent green jumpsuit to the sales assistant, whispering It's a little snug for me as I left.

2. Snuck out of an expensive social event without saying goodbye after only 10 minutes because it was too loud and crowded to have a genuine conversation with anyone. Made the taxi driver wait while I picked up KFC on the way home. Consoled myself with a bucket of Hot & Spicy until I felt whole again. Also a little ill.

3. Felt cranky about having to attend an event I had organized in the first place. Instantly regretted my crazy and short-lived bout of sociability. Resented everyone for backing me into a corner by selfishly and thoughtlessly accepting my invitation.

4. Accepted an invitation and then cancelled plans at the last moment after an extended period of self-searching, self-justification, and general self-loathing. Repeated the cycle endlessly for years, with complete amnesia every time.

5. Manifested genuine illnesses of varying virulence and closeness to death in order to have a legitimate excuse for above plan-cancelling. Gave small, Norma Desmond-like sighs from my convalescent couch as I recuperated from my bubonic symptoms.

6. Spent entire dinner parties talking to the hosts' kids. Texted hosts the following day to apologize for several inappropriate things that had been said. By the kids, I mean. Sheesh, kids today!

7. Stole a bottle of champagne and hung out with fishermen on their boat to escape yet more socializing at a corporate team-building weekend. Sang Sister Golden Hair with the fisher dudes. Was asked to stop. Nicely, though. They were polite fisher dudes and to be fair you probably need your ears to stop bleeding if you want to focus on catching fish.

8. Pretended not to understand the instructions when told to find a partner in a group fitness class. Fostered a confused look when asked to form a circle. Maintained an expression for the rest for the class that suggested recent and not entirely successful brain surgery so people would keep their distance.

9. *Accidentally* elbowed the person next to me at a play when I felt he was in my personal space. Vehemently denied it when my husband, frowning and rubbing his arm in confusion, asked what I did that for.

10. Faked an elaborate coughing and sneezing fit when someone looked like they were going to sit next to me at a not-very-crowded movie. Glared passive-aggressively at them when they sat there anyway. Was so distracted by my intense program of huffing and glaring that I missed most of the movie. Fortunately it was Glitter so I totally won that one.

11. Set up an extended perimeter in an uncrowded body pump class so nobody could set up too close to me. Fashioned my boundary from excess weights and spare bars. Looked nonplussed when the class finished and it turned out I had no use for all that extra equipment. TC mark