Thought Catalog

Make Him Orgasm Hard By Hitting These 10 Pleasure Points On His Body

Posted: 13 Oct 2016 08:00 PM PDT


1. Frenulum. This is on the underside of his dick. It’s the spot that connects the head of his penis to the shaft and it’s super sensitive. The next time you give him a blowjob, make sure you flatten out your tongue and lick the frenulum as slowly as you can while looking up at him. Of course, his whole shaft will welcome that soft tongue, so you might as well lick it from the base to the head. Just slow down once you hit the frenulum.

2. Scrotum. Even if he likes it rough, you have to be gentle with this area of his body. When you’re making out with him, you can reach down and cup it. Or, while you’re giving him a blowjob, you can rub the area a bit. Just don’t grab too hard, and definitely don’t dig your nails in.

3. Head of his penis. If you get tired during a blowjob, use your hand to stimulate his shaft while you use your tongue to stimulate the head. It’s the easiest way to make him cum without killing yourself by trying to deepthroat.

4. Perineum. This is the area in between his anus and his scrotum, a place that most women pay absolutely no attention to. But if you want to drive him nuts, try lightly running your fingers (or your tongue) over the area the next time you get him naked.

5. Nipples. Lick around them, put your lips on them, and tug on them (as gently as you possibly can). Men either love this or hate this, so you might want to get permission beforehand.

6. Neck. Women aren’t the only ones who like kisses on the neck. It’ll turn your man on as much as it turns you on. So make sure you hug him from behind and kiss the nape of his neck. But don’t stop at that. You can kiss the sides and the front as well, and still get a pretty strong reaction.

7. Inner thighs. Stroke and kiss this area before you put your hands on his penis. Why? Suspense. Teasing. Sexual tension. The longer you play with the areas around his dick, the happier he’ll be once you finally start touching his dick.

8. Treasure trail. Kiss along that stretch of hair on his stomach and his pelvic bone. It’ll get him excited about what you’re going to touch next.

9. Ears. Suck on them. Nibble on them. And don’t forget to whisper something naughty into them.

10. Anus. He might hate the idea of having a finger in his ass, but his prostate is where his G-spot is. Of course, you should never penetrate him without his permission. Get consent beforehand. And if he does give you that consent, don’t forget the lube. TC mark

What Every Woman Who’s Worried She Slept With Him ‘Too Soon’ Needs To Understand About Men

Posted: 13 Oct 2016 07:00 PM PDT

Benjamin Dodd
Benjamin Dodd

"It’s because you slept with him too soon."

That's the reason your friends tell you he flaked.

But it's not the real reason.

The sooner you realise it, the sooner you’ll stop it happening again.

I find this surprises a lot of women, so let me explain.

A man flaking after sex is a symptom, not the cause.

He wasn't head over heels smitten by you, then (after sex) thought to himself, "You know what? I'm no longer interested because she slept with me so soon". I'm yet to hear a single man state that the reason he chose not to pursue things with a woman was solely because of the timing of sex.

But I can see where the myth comes from, because men disappearing after sex happens – a lot.

I chat to clients and women every day who are sick of men only after one thing. Tired of guys who talk the talk then disappear like clockwork after sex.

I get how used this leaves you feeling. And you're tired of it.

But correlation is not causation.

Now, this is important.

If you want to immediately decrease the chances you'll be 'used' for sex, then adjusting when you have sex might be a good move for you. Set an arbitrary rule. 3rd date. 5th date. Do whatever you've got to do. You'll reduce the number of men you sleep with, and naturally, you'll get 'used' less.

But this is more important.

Delaying sex in this manner won't fix the problem. You're only treating the symptom. It's like using pain relief to treat an infection. It will make you feel better, but you're not dealing with the cause.

The Real Reason Men Leave After Sex

Both male and female attraction is a combination of two factors. Physical attraction and Non-physical attraction.

Here's where things get muddled.

Because men routinely sleep with women they have only physical attraction for, women assume non-physical attraction is of lesser importance in men.

This is a mistake. Non-physical attraction is just as important to men – except when it comes to sex.

Physical Attraction

Men put more initial emphasis on physical looks. Studies of the male brain show it's the first thing men notice about you, and it directly relates to sex. Any man who shows interest in you wants to sleep with you. He's programmed to.

What you can't be sure about is this second, much more important, factor.

Non-Physical Attraction

Is he non-physically attracted to you?

If he is, you can sleep with him on the first date, and he's going nowhere.

If he's not, you can wait until the tenth date, and his physical attraction will often carry him through regardless. He'll wait it out so he can sleep with you, then leave anyway.

If a man flakes after sex, it wasn't because you slept with him too soon. It's because he didn't feel enough non-physical attraction for you.

Building non-physical attraction

Within a short time of meeting you, a man has begun subconsciously sizing you up as girlfriend material. He's seeing whether you think you're worthy of him or whether you put him on a pedestal. He's noting how much you rely on your looks. He's watching how people and the world respond to you. He’s looking out for red flags in your character. Most importantly, he's figuring out if you have a vibrant, passionate world he'd like to be part of.

All these factors are affecting his non-physical attraction, while the deepest part of his brain tells him "sleep with her sleep with her sleep with her".

And it’s happening faster than you think.

If he isn't non-physically attracted to you by the end of the first date, it's not likely to change by the 5th. If you don't believe me, think about how many bad first dates you've had with guys you weren't attracted to – that have then recovered for you to find attraction later on.

I bet it's not many.

Your disempowering question

It makes sense. You feel like you're being used for sex, so you decide to have less sex and wait longer until you do.

The problem? This solution is a great answer… to a fundamentally bad question.

"How can I stop being used for sex?"

You couldn't find a more disempowering query.

When you're #1 focus is “not being used”, that's all you'll get.

You won't be empowered. You won't meet higher quality guys. You will change none of the patterns that led to the flake. You'll just 'get used' less.

Empowering questions to ask yourself

When you start asking empowering questions, you start getting empowering answers. Instead of asking yourself, "How can I stop being used?" imagine if you asked yourself…

"How can I raise my standards, so I'm not so sold on these guys I've only been seeing a short time that I would even want a relationship with them?"

"How can I stop seeing sex and something I'm 'used' for, and start enjoying my sexuality for me?"


"How can I build a life any man would be lucky to be a part of, that no guy would ever want to flake on?"

Now we're talking.

Ask questions like these, and you’ll stop asking the question, “When is the right time to sleep with a guy?”

Have sex on your terms, when you feel like it, and when it is comfortable for you. If you feel like you're being used, having sex less will help in the short term. But stop thinking that the timing of sex plays any real part in male attraction. It doesn't. And it’s not the reason guys leave after sex.

Work on growing yourself and building non-physical attraction, so that no man in his right mind would flake on you. Ask yourself empowering questions that get to the root of the issue. Above all, stop believing your friends when they tell you, "He flaked because you slept with him too soon." The sooner you do, the sooner you'll never concern yourself again with a man's actions after sex. TC mark

13 Married Men Reveal Their Secret Filthy Sexual Fantasies That Their Wives Don’t Know About

Posted: 13 Oct 2016 06:00 PM PDT

Flickr / mister addd
Flickr / mister addd

Data collected from real men over on Reddit!


I would like a sex robot that looks EXACTLY like my wife. She’d sometimes get so jealous of the robot that she would hide it and pretend she’s it.

— comm_matthew_perry


Her loaning me out as a teaser tom to her single friends.

— iggybdawg


Trying something different from the same two positions we always do. I’m booring

— mrjomanbing


Kinbaku, choking/breath play, having her take more control, and being really slutty about it.

Having her wear a skirt and a t-shirt on a night with a full moon, giving her a flashlight and a ten minute head start and chasing her through the forest. Then when I catch her, she resists the whole time, while I tie her up cut her clothes off and fuck her like a wild man.

— evilmail


Pretty much all of them. Unfortunately, I’m getting kinkier the older I get, and my wife is getting a lot less kinky, though she was never that kinky to begin with. So right now my wife doesn’t know about any of my sexual fantasies.

Which are mainly BDSM-related. She only climaxes once and then she’s done, so I have these visions of tying her up and forcing orgasms and reducing her to a wobbly mess. I want to hold her in my arms and fuck her with a dildo. I want to have sex with her in front of some friends, maybe while they have sex as well.

She has responded to rimming and having a finger up her butt, and I’m nearly certain she’d like anal; she has a serious mental block over that one though. My fantasies that include her are mainly around her actually being passionate and enjoying it, really, which is pretty vanilla. She shares nothing with me sexually about her turn-ons. She has the sexual maturity of a prepubescent girl. Or a nun.

Aside from that, the usual daydreams of having torrid affairs with the Moms at preschool (it’s the yoga pants) and finding crazy fuckbuddies at work conferences.

— theodicyplanet


FFM. I’ve never said anything but I suspect she could guess. A single friend of hers suggested it to her once but she said no way. If she wanted to be lightly restrained might be fun also. That’s not likely either.

— Panasas


Choking her, or someone else. But breath play would be a huge turn on.

— cdeluc307


We don’t have a dead bedroom per se, but my wife doesn’t really enjoy sex. She’s always had a hard time with it, probably from living with an anxiety disorder her whole life. I know that I’m also not that attractive to her, which is probably more of a factor than she’d ever admit… still, we do have sex, and I know that it comes from a place of love, but it kind of sucks not feeling desired or wanted. Even when we do have sex, it’s difficult because she’s very petite and I’m well endowed (please don’t accuse me of bragging or dismiss how shitty it is, I literally can’t make love to my wife without causing her some pain, that isn’t fucking fantastic no matter how you slice it).

That being said, a fantasy I’ve had for a while now is her offering to allow me a sex-only girlfriend. She gets the parts of me that she wants and loves; my companionship, my love and affection, sex for closeness, all of it, but we find a size-queen who just wants pure, raw, meaningless fucking, with a libido to match my own. Someone totally cool with being thought of as a toy, equal to my wife’s vibrator. They’d never have to meet, and I wouldn’t stick around to cuddle or date the girlfriend, it’d be an almost professional relationship where everyone involved benefits.

And yes, before anyone asks, it really wouldn’t bother me much if the roles were reversed and my wife wanted a boyfriend on the side with the same setup. I’m not jealous, nor am I insecure. It’d only be fair.

— Lamprophonia


I want to watch her get fucked by 3 black men; cream pies, bukkake, gagging her with their BBC.

But fantasy and reality are very different things. While it’s exciting to fantasize about I would never be able to accept it in reality.

— Sete_Sois


Fucking her friends. All of them.

— DrDiarrhea


I want to hypnotize her, parade her in front of my friends naked and make her be our sexual slave all night. She would start small, serving drinks and standing idle when we weren’t using her. Then I would encourage them to pose her, letting them start small, but then as they get braver they could squeeze her tits and slap her on the ass. She doesn’t react at all. She’s not there for her pleasure, she’s there to satisfy us.

Things would escalate until she sucked their dicks (more like offers her mouth to them so they can face fuck her), but she would save her sopping wet pussy for me in the main event, and I would fuck her unresponsive body until I snap her out of it right as I bust inside her while she cums with all of my friends watching.

— jizzmancer


I want to be woken up to sex already happening (I’ve mentioned it before, but hasn’t happened yet.) I also would like to play with vacuum latex or bags or whatever. It just seems super fucking hot to me. Sensory deprivation I guess?

— slow6i


Having sex with the women I previously had encounters with…as well as fucking some of my wife’s friends.

— NonesofSeptember TC mark

Here’s The Creepiest Wikipedia Article From Every State

Posted: 13 Oct 2016 05:00 PM PDT

daniella urdinlaiz
daniella urdinlaiz


Red Lady of Huntingdon College

Wikimedia / Spyder Monkey
Wikimedia / Spyder Monkey

According to legend, the Red Lady was a miserable student who attended Huntingdon college only at her father’s insistence. Becoming increasingly withdrawn and her behavior becoming increasingly erratic, she eventually dressed in all red and slashed her own wrists, ending her life.


The sad girl, abandoned by the one person she had believed to be her only friend, allegedly formed the habit of wandering into rooms where the other girls were congregating, but her presence cast a chill upon the groups and they would soon find flimsy excuses for leaving her alone. Then, with a feeling of alienation from all humankind, she would return to her solitary sleeping quarters, where she would wrap herself in her red bedspread and retreat from the whole world.

Later, Martha’s behavior allegedly became even more strange: She would wait until the lights were out, and then she would visit one dormitory after another, never saying a word but staring into space as if she were in a trance. As time passed, she took to walking up and down the halls during the darkest hours of the night. Often she would alarm the girls by opening and closing their doors, then hurrying away to resume her pitiful promenade. (KEEP READING)


Robert Hansen

Wikimedia / Alaskan Police Department
Wikimedia / Alaskan Police Department

“Butcher Baker” was responsible for the deaths of at least 17 women, and perhaps as many as 30. The details of his murders in this Wikipedia page are truly horrific:


On June 13, 1983, 17-year-old Cindy Paulson escaped from 44-year-old Robert Hansen, while he was trying to load her into his Piper Super Cub. She told police she had been offered $200 to perform oral sex but that, when she got into the car, Hansen pulled a gun on her and drove her to his home in Muldoon. There, he held her captive. (KEEP READING)


The Thing

Wikimedia / Thadrd28

For miles, Interstate 10 in Arizona is lined with advertisements for “The Thing” a creepy attraction located just off exit 322. “The Thing” is some creepy-ass mummified being, surrounded by folklore and legend.


The origin of The Thing was established by Syndicated columnist Stan Delaplane, who interviewed Janet Prince in 1956. Prince told him, “[A] man came through here about six years ago. He had three of [the bodies] he got somewhere. He was selling them for $50.” Today, the attraction is operated by an Albuquerque-based company, Bowlins, Inc., which owns several roadside trading posts throughout the Southwest. (KEEP READING)


Ronald Gene Simmons


Simmons was a serial killer in Arkansas who killed 16 people in under a week — many of these people were his own family and children. The descriptions of his crimes are truly awful:


Shortly before Christmas 1987, Simmons decided to kill all the members of his family. On the morning of December 22, he first killed his wife Rebecca and eldest son Gene by shooting them with a .22-caliber pistol, and then killed his 3-year-old granddaughter Barbara by strangulation. Simmons dumped the bodies in the cesspit he had made his children dig. Simmons then waited for his other children to return to the house, and after their arrival he told them he had presents for them, but wanted to give them one at a time. He first killed his daughter, 17-year-old Loretta, whom Simmons strangled and held under the water in a rain barrel. The three other children, Eddy, Marianne, and Becky, were then killed in the same way. (KEEP READING)


The Original Night Stalker (Never Caught)

Wikimedia / Sacremento Police Department

In the 1970s and 1980s, there was a serial killer who committed at least 50 rapes and 12 murders. He completely stumped police and is still assumed to be at-large today.


The Sacramento East Area Rapist is believed to have started as a prolific burglar, only later graduating to rape. His initial modus operandi was to stalkmiddle class neighborhoods at night looking for women who lived in single-story homes, generally located near a school, creek, or other open space that afforded a quick escape. He was spotted on a number of occasions, but sprinted away upon detection. (KEEP READING)

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10 Things To Focus On When Life Feels Like It’s Pouring Down On You

Posted: 13 Oct 2016 04:00 PM PDT

Sokoloff Lingerie
Sokoloff Lingerie

1. Focus on the good.

If I had to take a guess I'd imagine that you're only focusing on the bad things in your life you're experiencing right now. You're not thinking about the good because the good things are mundane things, you just expect them to work out in everyday life. But take a break from the bad and remember the good, and appreciate the good. Think of the small victories you’d usually celebrate, eat your favorite meal and smile.

2. Bad things are completely inevitable.

No matter how prepared you think you might be or how many times you've double-checked to make sure everything is okay, you will still mess up sooner or later, it’s the human in you. Bad things will still happen because most of the bad things that happen in our lives are out of our control.

3. Keep pushing forward.

Keep telling yourself everything will be okay, because it absolutely will be, it just might take some time and when things aren't going our way we don't want to wait around, we want answers and we want them now.

4. Remember to breathe.

Seriously, remember to breathe. Take a breath in and let it out, things will be okay. Light some candles, get in your zen mindset and relax because taking one extra minute out of your day won't slow the process down, but it could be exactly what your mental health needs.

5. Remember who you are.

Don't lose yourself in the bad times. Stay in control of the situations, do everything you can to make sure the bad gets smoothed out as quickly as possible because you deserve some ease. Don’t push out the people who are trying to help you during these times and don’t burn bridges, keep your natural mindset in spite of this disaster.

6. Look for the lessons.

The most cliché one yet, but seriously, look for the lessons, look what you can take away from the mistakes you've made along the way. Use those lessons to motivate you for next time and to share with the people around you so they don't have to go through the same stress you're going through right now. Use it to be smarter next time so there isn’t a next time.

7. Bad things happen all the time.

It's just the truth, you are by no means the only person going through hard times, remember that. Sometimes it might feel like the world is out to get you, but you're not the number one person on the list. There are people who have it plenty worse than you do, so it's always good to check yourself and your privilege and take a look at how big the problem in your life really is.

8. You're allowed to feel stressed.

On a different note, just because people have it worse doesn't make your problems any less important because to you those things matter. That's why you have such strong feelings of doubt in your mind because you just want everything to work out swimmingly. And they will.

9. Your reaction can make or break you.

How we react to hard times shows a lot about who we are as a person. We can sit and sulk over what happened, we can cry, look for sympathy, act like things are never going to improve or we can get up and do something about it. You can stop feeling sorry and take action, you can make the best out of the situation you're in and you can improve it to the best of your ability.

10. Remember that bad things always pass.

Remember that one time when ________? Fill in the blank with whatever that was, the one time your car died on the side of the road and you were stuck for hours in the middle of no where, or maybe that time you screwed up your taxes. Think about whatever "it" is to you and realize how much of a big deal you thought it was at the time and think of how little importance that has in your life now.

Things will work out. They always do. TC mark

If He’s Sleeping With You, He Should Be Comfortable Having These 11 Conversations With You

Posted: 13 Oct 2016 03:00 PM PDT

Kiele Twarowski
Kiele Twarowski

1. The what-are-we conversation. Come on. He has twenty minutes to spare when you want to blow him, but he can’t take five minutes to define the relationship? If he won’t talk about what you are, then he clearly wants you to be his toy.

2. If you’re seeing other people. Even if he doesn’t have the guts to define the relationship, he should at least let you know if he’s sleeping with other people. If he is, but he doesn’t tell you, then he’s putting your health at risk.

3. Birth control. You shouldn’t hesitate to ask him to pick up a box of condoms. If he wants to get laid, then spending ten bucks is the least he can do.

4. Your period. It shouldn’t be embarrassing to tell someone you’ve been sleeping with that it’s your time of the month. He’s seen your vagina before. He knows the way vaginas work. So what’s the problem?

5. Who he’s going out with. Even if you’re in a FWB relationship, he shouldn’t lie to you. If you ask him what he’s doing, he shouldn’t dodge the question. He should be straight with you.

6. The STD conversation. Asking if he has herpes ruins the mood, but it’s something you need to know. If he hasn’t been tested recently, but he’s been sleeping around, then who knows how clean his junk really is.

7. What you want. If you’re comfortable fucking him, then you should be comfortable talking about fucking him. Tell him what you wish he’d do more of during sex and what you wish he’d never do again. You won’t get what you want unless you ask for it.

8. Who his exes are and what they’ve done together. It’s not a crime for you to wonder how many people he’s been with in the past. Or to wonder if he’s ever tried pegging or shower sex. In fact, it’s healthy to have conversations like that.

9. Who knows about your relationship. Has he told his friends about you? What about his parents? It doesn’t matter if you two are serious or if you’re just fooling around. It’s always important to know how much other people know, so you don’t accidentally spill info to them.

10. How he plans to act in public. Is he comfortable kissing you on the lips in front of other people? Or will he refuse to hold your hand once other people gather around? It’s best to know how he’s going to treat you ahead of time, so you don’t develop unrealistic expectations.

11. The where-is-this-going conversation. Maybe you know where you currently stand with him. But what’s going to happen in the future? Is he planning on leaving you as soon as he finds another woman to sleep with? Or is he planning on asking you to be his girlfriend, his roommate, his wife? TC mark

Politics Has Nothing To Do With Politics

Posted: 13 Oct 2016 02:30 PM PDT

Unsplash / Jacob Creswick
Unsplash / Jacob Creswick

Here's a conspiracy that wasn't just a theory.

From 1942-1945, 130,000 people worked on this project without telling anyone else.

When "Little Boy" and "Fat Man" were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki – that's when the rest of the world found out.

Harry Truman said, "We made a $2 billion scientific gamble…and we won!"

250,000 civilians were killed. That was the metric for winning.

65,000 civilians were killed within three seconds of the bomb dropping on Hiroshima.

Harry Truman was re-elected, then retired. His daughter wrote mystery novels.

That's politics.

Politics mixed with bureaucracy creates death. Creates delay. Creates debt.

Politics mixed with television creates ratings. Creates advertising dollars. Newspaper stories. Water cooler conversation. Twitter memes.

Each election has to up the ante for entertainment.

People say to me, "Why don't you vote?"

The role of politics is to help those less fortunate who might not be able to help themselves. This is a very small part of the population

The role of government can be extended to say: don't murder people or rob from people.

Since 1992, across three presidents, average salary for people ages 18-40 has gone DOWN from $36,000 to $33,000 while student loan debt has gone straight up, inflation has gone up, healthcare costs has gone up, housing costs have gone up.

Who are we doing all of this work for? Who is making the money off of the value you work hard to create?

Gingko Bilboa trees are a species that has been around for 270,000,000 years.

They were the only things that didn't die during the Hiroshima bombing. They are flourishing in Hiroshima today. Politics didn't destroy them.

Humans have been around 200,000 years. Maybe we have a few more years to go, give or take. We had an OK run.

Voting won't stop the tidal wave of politics destroying our species. There are only two gifts you can give that will help society.

Love is the gift you give yourself. Kindness is the gift you give others.

That's how I try to vote each day. But it's really difficult and I'm just one vote. TC mark

Here’s The Real Difference Between Having Sex And ‘Making Love’

Posted: 13 Oct 2016 02:00 PM PDT


I had no idea what the difference was between sex and making love until I was 23.

I was with an older gentleman at the time and he asked me "what's your definition of making love? I replied, rose petals and candlelight. He said that's your definition of making love? Wow, there is a lot I need to teach you.

Clearly I was missing the emotional experience of sex that's shared with someone you truly care for and love. As a teenager my only reference to sex was porn, that's how I learned how to have sex.

As years went on, I now have a very clear understanding of how sex and making love are very different acts.

Sex is bio-mechanical and instinctive, we all know how to do it. Love making is slow, sensual, not goal oriented which allows us to experience the metaphysical being of oneness, this type of love making is truly an art in itself.

Many men I speak to and coach still have no idea what the difference is, because the majority use porn as an educational tool.

For a man becoming a great love – maker is about having the proper attitude and knowing how to use your erection as an instrument of romantic expression.

To become a great lover, you must first understand the difference between ordinary sex and making love.

Sex vs. Making Love

What's your motivation?

Do you want to have a physical experience with no emotional connection or do you want to be intimate and express passionate LOVE to reach new depths with your lover?

Sex can be a physical thrill for a night or a few encounters, but lovemaking can be an ecstatic adventure of a lifetime and most women can feel the difference.

Sex is a simple physical act, so simple that even animals do it. But lovemaking is a complex expression of LOVE. It's a desire to communicate the love you have for the other person non-verbally.

It gives you a chance to express all the good feelings and thoughts you have about your lover. To better explain the difference, lets put them into two categories:

  • Heights of Sex
  • Depths of Making Love

The heights of sex, generally focuses on stimulation and nervous system response. This type of sex is commonly expressed by only a physical experience and is measured by the intensity and quantity of stimulation.

This depths of sex encourages both partners to make use of their minds, bodies, and souls to access each other's heart.

This type of love – making allows each partner to explore any hidden issues and inhibitions that may arise during a truly intimate experience. Lovemaking allows us to exceed the limits of our physical body, and merge with one another.

Lovemaking is about your lover's mind, body and soul, the whole person, not just her body.

It's very easy and ordinary to just have sex, but to know how to connect with a woman on a deeper level, and win over heart, mind and soul takes a little bit of commitment.

Your feelings and thoughts of her will be different everyday, and using those feelings to determine what you do during lovemaking will have an added benefit.

Allow your intuition to guide your gestures and movements, you will find yourself being more creative. You will never have to worry about repeating yourself or thinking about what to do next.

Sex without love is not lovemaking. The best part about lovemaking is that it becomes effortless, because you are not thinking about what Olympic – style performance you should put on.

You become your authentic self at that moment.

Great love-makers spend a lifetime exploring and learning the female sexual anatomy.

Great love-makers have an instinctive knowledge about the inner workings of their body as well as a woman's sensuality. They learn how to synchronize with their lovers' movements.

The best part about lovemaking with the right woman is that as your love grows, so does your passion. Just like fine wine, it tastes better when it's aged. Over time, you learn about each other's favorite hotspots as months and years pass.

I am not at all saying that having sex is bad, because it's not. It just depends on what you want from the experience. Be true to your lover, but most importantly be true to yourself. TC mark

It’s Hard Not To Jump Out Instead Of Waiting To Be Found

Posted: 13 Oct 2016 01:49 PM PDT

Brittani Lepley
Brittani Lepley

One of my favorite poems is called Hide and Seek. The line goes, “It's hard not to jump out instead of wait­ing to be found.”

The memory is me, a kid, wedged beneath a chair. I want to climb out and announce to my seeker what a good hiding place I’ve found.

I want to talk giddily about how I have tricked them — how I have accomplished the feat of successfully hiding in the very same room they are searching. I am anxious to get my gold star and I can’t wait the extra seconds it may take for them to find me on their own.

When you love someone, it’s like this. It’s hard to wait for someone to discover you. It’s hard to watch them stumble around, looking in the wrong places, taking too much time. It’s hard to remember this is the point of the game and it does you no good to interfere.

Like offering a jogger a ride to their destination — that’s not the point.

We have to watch them struggle and stumble and we become martyrs in our own minds because of it. We think, “I’m right here and you can’t see. How silly of you. How dumb.”

When I feel that way, I wonder if I will ever be able to feel loved, if my idea of love is someone handing me gold stars all day. I think, if someone could constantly “find” me I would be happy. If I wasn’t always wanting to jump out and say, “I’m here! I’m a good person! I called you three more times than you called me and I made you breakfast Thursday and I sent your mom a card when she was sick!” If someone saw each and every good thing I did and praised me for it, I would finally get to feel completely happy and loved.

It’s sad because this desire is so far divorced from what love is. What I think would make me happy, what I am telling myself would make me happy is to receive (at least) every time I give. But how cheap would my acts of generosity feel then, how cheap would my love feel. My love would just be a quarter put in a gumball machine so I can receive my prize. It would be robotic, nothing special, or romantic, or human.

What I want to do is get rid of this notion I am holding onto and love people and say that their love for me is none of my business. Who cares if someone loves me slightly less than I love them? I can’t let myself care. I am terrified of becoming the kind of person who measures love in inches.

One of my favorite descriptions of a relationship is from an unlikely book. Dennis Lehane wrote in Mystic River

The person you love is rarely worthy of how big your love is. Because no one is worthy of that and maybe no one deserves that burden of it, either. You'll be let down. You'll be disappointed and have your trust broken and have a lot of real sucky days. You lose more than you win. You hate the person you love as much as you love him. But you roll up your sleeves and work – at everything – because that's what growing older is.

If you are capable of doing something like that, of loving someone without them deserving it, why bother with anything else? If it’s worth loving someone, it’s worth loving them in such a large amount that it cannot be given with hooks, that it cannot be contingent on burdening the person you love with living up to how much you love them. That’s what I want. TC mark

6 Things You Subconsciously Do When You’re Just Not Ready To Be Happy

Posted: 13 Oct 2016 01:01 PM PDT

The year that I was twenty years old, I went on a self-destructive rampage.

I’ll spare the specifics of what that spree entailed (Because my mom has the internet. Hi Mom), but the funny part about it was that I couldn’t figure out for the life of me where I was going wrong. From where I was standing, the constant stream of bad choices I was making were entirely circumstantial and largely unavoidable. I wanted to be happy, I just couldn’t get there (by no fault of my own!).

One night, after a particularly bad date with a particularly shitty guy, I found myself drunkenly crying on my best friend’s couch. “When do I get to be happy?” I sobbed at her, like the walking cliche that I was.

And she responded, with brilliant simplicity, “When you’re ready to be.”

It had never occurred to me, before that moment, that there are periods of our lives where we subconsciously don’t want to be happy. Times when our brains are wired towards chaos and self-destruction, because those things are easier to stomach than the realities we’d have to face up to (and move past) in order to get to the other side of pain. There are times when we’re simply not ready to do the hard work that it would take to find contentment in life. And so instead, we throw roadblocks in our own way and claim that they’re the reason we’re not getting anywhere.

Here are a few of the most common roadblocks that we subconsciously entertain when we just aren’t ready to be happy.

1. We chase unavailable people.

We usually chalk our love for unavailable people up to the thrill of the chase. But I suspect that if we're ready to get brutally honest with ourselves, we mostly chase unavailable people because it gives our self-esteem an easy 'out' when things inevitably fall apart.

Chasing someone you know you can't realistically have means not having to take a chance on a real relationship. One that might bring us actual happiness and fulfillment. Which we, of course, are not ready for.

2. We comfort ourselves with self-destructive habits.

We think that we're downing the fourth pint glass, reaching the bottom of the ice cream tub or sleeping with that disrespectful asshole because it gives us a temporary feeling of satisfaction. But what if what we're really doing is choosing these self-destructive habits because they're very solid road blocks for real happiness?

As long as we keep ourselves moving down an unhealthy path, we're able to hate ourselves for the choices that we keep (seemingly compulsively) making. And you know who LOVES to hate themselves? People who aren't ready to be happy.

3. We become obsessed with self-improvement.

I'm not knocking self-improvement – in fact, I self-identify as a self-improvement junkie. It's just that there's a healthy and an unhealthy way to go about it.

Telling yourself, "I'm going to work everyday on becoming a better version of myself," is healthy.

Telling yourself, "I don't deserve love until I become a better version of myself" is unhealthy. And it's nothing but a mental roadblock that we throw in our own way when we just aren't ready to be happy yet.

4. We hate the people who have the lives we wish we had.

When we're genuinely ready to be happy, we look for routes that will take us to wherever we need to go. We turn to others for guidance, and appreciate the help of those who are in the positions that we want to be in ourselves.

When we want to feel sorry for ourselves, we sit in a pool of our own misery and hate the people who are where we wish we were. We don't look for stepping stones, we look for road blocks. Because stepping stones might take us to where we want to go. And then we might – gasp – accidentally encounter happiness once we get there.

5. We radically differentiate ourselves from those around us.

When we're ready to be happy, we seek out connections with others and emphasize the ways in which we're similar to – rather than different from – the people in our lives. When our minds are set on being unhappy, we find ways to distance ourselves from others at all costs.

We decide that the people around us couldn't possibly understand us, and therefore we don't give them the chance to even try. Because if we find out that they DO understand us on some level, we might accidentally form a connection. And be happy.

6. We focus all of our energy on staying strong and guarded.

There's nothing wrong with emotional resilience. But when we choose it above all other possible emotions, we are blocking happiness out of our lives just as much as we are blocking out pain.

In the words of Brene Brown, "We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions."

That is to say, if we want to allow happiness into our lives, we have to also welcome pain, struggle and disappointment. We do not get one without the other – we just have to make the decision, at some point, that the pain and struggle is worth the eventual payoff. TC mark

Pre-order Heidi’s new poetry book, ‘The First New Universe,’ here.