Thought Catalog

Nothing About My Depression Is ‘Haunting’ Or ‘Beautiful,’ Everything About It Is Awful

Posted: 22 Oct 2016 07:00 PM PDT

Xopher Wallace
Xopher Wallace

I'm not quite sure when the meeting was to decide that depression was the première mental illness to glamorize by mentally healthy people, but I was certainly not invited.

When I was a sophomore in college, I was officially diagnosed with depression. Although, after one of my school's counselors (who honestly might've actually been a psych student who was, like, only four years older than me—I think he got assigned to me by accident) read me the symptoms, I suspected that I had been depressed since the early years of high school.

Since then, depression is now a very reluctantly accepted part of my life. It's engrained into my personality and my actions. It influences my thoughts, feelings, and decisions.

Which is why online content and people who glorify depression as ~*~moodiness~*~ or mysteriousness or enviable darkness or whatever absolutely astound me.

Because I have been to the depths of hell before with my good buddies, Depression and Anxiety, and, frankly, I did naht see any of those people down there helping me.

Depression isn't beautiful. It's ugly. It's hideous to the point that when you’re taken over by it, people turn away. And nobody ignores beauty.

"Haunting" oversimplifies the complete travesty that depression wreaks in almost every aspect of your life. Depression isn't "difficult to ignore,” holy shit, no: depression makes it difficult to think about anything else. Depression becomes you.

Depression is something you want to hide—you stuff it down your throat as you frantically try to find a distraction, until that point when everything bubbles up and you barely want to exist anymore.

Depression is losing will because you can't conjure up a good enough reason to do anything.

Depression is failing to find a reason to want to be conscious and to get out of bed.

Depression is not washing your hair for days. It's not brushing your teeth. It's wearing unclean clothes.

Depression is eating. It's eating so many Strawberry Pop-Tarts in one sitting, you feel heavy and slow. It's not eating for days, and feeling empty and hollow. It's both, it's over and over again, it never stops.

Depression is sleep. Too much, and way too little. You're always tired—not from the lack of sleep—you're a weird, unknown type of exhaustion that sneaks into your life and somehow, without you noticing, becomes part of who you are.

Depression is constantly apologizing to people you love for who you are.

What part of this is beautiful? What part of this is mysterious and brooding and exciting to be around?

If you want to use simplified language to talk about depression—language that barely scratches the surface—it’s not beautiful or haunting. It’s awful. TC mark

For The First Time Ever, You Make Me Want To Be Reckless

Posted: 22 Oct 2016 06:00 PM PDT


I have always been cautious. No, not even cautious. Neurotically careful. I joke that I was born a Jewish grandmother (but in a 24 year old body – meow).

I refused to drink before turning 21. And it wasn’t out of some superiority kick, I just didn’t want to take any risks. Alcohol poisoning! Making a fool of myself! Getting in trouble for being underage! I wasn’t going to take an unnecessary chances.

I look both ways before crossing the street. And then check once more, juuuust to be sure.

I’m choosy with my social circle. I’m selective with who I trust. I’d rather stay in if I don’t know all the details of what’s going to happen. Which, unless I have some secret psychic power that I don’t know about, is obviously impossible to guarantee.

Are you getting a solid picture of who I am? I’m an anxious lil’ ball of fun! Like Jessica Day, but instead of being adorable and having a sitcom revolve around my antics, I’m just…nervous.

Trust me, I don’t love being this way. I know that it’s exhausting. There are days when it’s exhausting existing in my own brain.

But you bring something out in me.

You’re the first adventure I’ve ever wanted to take.

When you’re with me, I don’t need my life perfectly planned out. I want to hop in the car with you and drive for miles without a destination in mind. I’m okay with the road bumps and detours. I’m fine with not knowing where we’re going.

And it’s not just because you bring me a weird comfort I’ve never known. I think you make me brave. I’m learning from you. I’m looking my own phobias straight in the eyes and saying, “You don’t control my life.”

You’re making me a healthier, happier, more well-rounded person. And that’s what in the best circumstances love does. It makes you better.

Yes, I still get nervous crossing bridges. And when the news anchor mentions the slightly elevated possibility of an earthquake, I’m going to turn to you and say, “OH NO, WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.”

But you kiss me. And there’s a lightness. There’s a freedom. I kiss you and there’s a desire to be wild, to be uninhibited.

Loving you is the first thing I’ve done without fear. Loving you is the first thing I’m willing to be reckless for. TC mark

Here’s Why You Need To Stop Compromising When It Comes To Love

Posted: 22 Oct 2016 05:15 PM PDT

 Jonas Weckschmied
Jonas Weckschmied

Dating in the modern era is difficult. It's messy, it's full of unknowns, and honestly, it can get pretty daunting at times. Long gone are the days of simplicity, when people said what they meant, and told you how they feel. Today, dating is full of deception and mind games.

Finding someone and falling in love has never been this difficult.

So, in order to navigate these rough waters that we call modern dating, often times we compromise. We date someone even though we know in our guts that they aren't the one for us, because we're too scared to get back out there. We stay in relationships with people we tolerate, but don't really love, because we're not sure if there's anything better, or how to find it. We constantly hear horror stories from our friends or their friends about first dates, blind dates, online dating etc. and we decide to settle for less.

Well, I'm here to tell you to stop.

Stop compromising when it comes to love. Don't settle for less because you're scared of what's out there. Don't accept a love that is less than what you deserve because you're afraid you won't find the one that you do.

Use your past experience to help you figure out what you want, or what you don't want. Make a mental (or physical if you prefer) list of what you want in a partner and wait for someone who ticks all your boxes. Obviously, make sure that the list is reasonable, but then stick to it. Don't settle for someone that ticks just one box, wait for the whole package.

Know your deal breakers, and know when to walk away.

If you promised yourself you would never date a smoker, don't date a smoker. If you want kids and your partner doesn't, let them go.

This doesn't mean that they are a bad person, they're just not the right person for you.

Don't compromise, because somewhere down the line that deal-breaker will push you apart.

Don't accept a love that is less than what you deserve just because you're lonely. If someone doesn't treat you well, don't stay with them because it's better than being alone. Trust me when I tell you that it's not.

At a time when all your friends' relationships are plastered all over social media, it's easy to find yourself making comparisons. Don't do it. Just because your best friend is engaged and living with their significant other doesn't mean that you have to be.

Sometimes, we stay with the wrong person because we are too lazy to go searching for the right one. Getting to know someone takes time, and figuring out if they're right for you takes energy. I know it's not easy, but make the time. It will be worth it.

The time you waste with someone that you know isn't right for you is time you could be spending finding the one that is.

Please don't settle when it comes to love. We make compromises frequently in our daily lives, but love shouldn't be one of those compromises. You deserve a love that is full of passion and adoration. A love where you can't wait to see them and miss them every minute you're apart. You deserve a love that gives you butterflies and makes you excited to get out of bed in the morning. Anything else is less than you deserve. TC mark

I Just Hope That Wherever You Are, Tonight Brings You Healing

Posted: 22 Oct 2016 04:15 PM PDT

Larm Rmah
Larm Rmah

I'm thinking about you. Right now. Isn't it strange how we can be miles and miles apart, yet so close in the folds of my mind? So far from one another, yet still looking at the same stars?

I don't know exactly where you are right now. Maybe in a bedroom, staring at your reflection in a cloudy mirror. Maybe on a bus, watching cars drift past a darkened window. Maybe in the arms of someone who makes you happy. Maybe tired, so so tired from the rush of the day.

I don't know where your body rests, how you're feeling, or what you need.

All I hope is that tonight brings you healing.

I hope the day softens as it comes to a close. I hope the sunset makes your heart feel calm and warm. I hope your shower is soothing and your pillows are cool against your cheeks. I hope before you fall asleep, you close your eyes with a smile that stretches small and gentle across your lips.

I hope that no matter what has hurt you in the last hours, last days, last weeks you take a deep breath and exhale it out into the night sky.

I hope you know that someone loves you, and is praying for your strength.

I know that this life is hard sometimes. I know there are moments when you don't know what you want, when you give your all and come up short, when you can't find the strength to move forward and you feel as if you'll be stuck in one place forever. You won't.

I know that you've probably felt lonely, probably felt afraid or weak ore that everything around you was spinning and you were powerless to stop it. But you're more powerful than you think.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't know. I don't know where you are or how heavy your heart is. I don't know what obstacles have been on your path or what hardships you've had to face.

I don't know if you've been broken, or if you're broken still.

All I know is that I care, so so deeply for you. And wherever you are, whatever you're going through, I hope you find healing.

I hope you find healing in a lover's touch or a hug from a loved one. I hope you find healing in a stranger's smile or a cup of coffee with just the right amount of cream and sugar. I hope you find healing in an unexpected laugh or a tiny miracle.

I hope you find healing where you least expect, and I hope it makes you feel whole again.

Because somewhere in this world, there's a girl who loves you. A girl who's awake at night, pouring her heart onto pages. A girl who's miles and miles away, imagining your tired soul and praying that you find strength. Praying that somehow, someway, through some invisible and beautiful bond, you'll realize she's thinking of you. And that you will rest your weary eyes and wake up renewed. TC mark

Read This If You Need To Move On From Your Heartbreak

Posted: 22 Oct 2016 03:15 PM PDT

frank mckenna
frank mckenna

I have been in love only once in my short life and it was both the best and the worst thing to ever happen to me. In it, I learned more about myself and the kind of respect and happiness that I deserve than through any other experience I have encountered. I learned what it means to really love someone. Not the puppy kind of love that gets old after a week but the kind of love that permeates through every fiber in your being. It changes your perspective of life, the meaning to it and fills with you an indescribable sense of joy and a new breath of life. Suddenly, one person means more to you than everything else in your life combined.

I witnessed firsthand the joy that comes when you put someone else before yourself. As well as the desire to do quite literally anything to make them happy or to see them smile. I learned that it's hard to be upset about much when you have that special person to turn to. They don’t solve all of your problems but somehow all of life’s “what-ifs” and big decisions seem a lot less daunting when you are by their side. I learned that words don't need to fill the silence – that is the beauty of being so comfortable with someone.

I learned that the sight of your favorite person in the world can bring serenity among the chaos and that being wrapped in their hug is your favorite place to be. I learned that a box of pizza and beer is a way better dinner date than any fancy restaurant. I learned that belting out the wrong lyrics together could make even the longest car ride fly by. I learned that it becomes a ritual to thank God for them every time you pray. I learned that no matter how hard you try; you can't seem to hug them hard enough.

Finally, I learned that you can 100%, unapologetically, be your true weird self and know that they love you because of it.

Love makes you feel so joyful and filled up. And then, as if in an instant, it's gone.

Heartbreak comes in many forms and presents itself differently to every individual. But it all hurts the same. No amount of Nicholas Sparks movies can prepare you for it and no amount of Ben & Jerry's Half-Baked ice cream can heal it.

It consumes you. It follows you. It is your constant companion. Every morning when you wake up you have to relive the fact that you didn't dream it.

It sits next to you as you drink your morning coffee, counteracting the caffeine you are trying to pump through your veins after a night of no sleep. It presses itself behind your puffy eyes as you sit at your computer at work slowly typing meaningless words into a spreadsheet you couldn't care less about. It spills down your warm cheeks at 3AM when you’re wondering how the one person who is supposed to love you more than anything could just give up. It stuffs itself in between the lines of words as you open your textbook to try and study.

It convinces you you're worthless even when everyone around you is begging for you to realize you are the furthest thing from worthless. It robs you of your laughter, your infectious smile, and your infamous goofiness. It seeps into the light moments you try to have with your friends and instead places a hazy window in front of your eyes preventing you from seeing life as you once did. It forces you, day after day, to ask yourself how you could have been so stupid to trust someone so much to completely give them your heart and how the person you trusted most could just throw it away.

It messes you up. It changes you.

You try to move on by doing the things you see in rom-coms: going for long runs, changing your look, saying yes to dates—anything to signify that you are now OK. But you're not OK; no matter how hard you try. That's because this is not a movie, its real life where you feel real emotions. Your heartbreak doesn't get resolved in an hour and fifty-one minutes like in a rom-com. There is no single pivotal moment where you are suddenly healed, unfortunately.

Unlike the movies, our heartbreak doesn't end in one perfect scene strolling through a park holding a new man's hand as the credits start to roll. Rather, we heal in little moments we don't notice. But that is the tricky thing about healing a broken heart: it is little by little. So little, in fact, that it can feel like you aren't making any progress at all. There is no timeline, no end date to when the pain ends (man, wouldn't that be nice), and no easy way out.

And then, one day, you find yourself laughing again. And I mean genuinely laughing – the kind where you are laughing so hard no noise is coming from you and you are left gasping for air holding your shaking stomach, happy tears streaming from your eyes. Instead of lying in bed in the morning, pulling the covers over your head, you jump out of bed ready for a new day (after hitting snooze 10 times of course, it's still me we're talking about after all).

You find yourself on dates realizing that you are not, in fact, an emotionless monster and that you can feel those same things for other people. Gradually, that hazy window is lifted and you start to enjoy the little things again: feeling the warmth of the sun on your face, diving back into your favorite hobbies, picking up new hobbies, singing off key to songs on the radio, drunkenly dancing like a loser with some of your best friends… the list goes on.

For the first time in a long time you’re happy. Just happy. You might even forgive them for hurting you, regardless of whether they deserve it or not. Eventually, if you're lucky, you will even be able to look at disgustingly adorable couples on the street and smile, not scoff. Without you realizing it, you've moved on. The world is still turning. Your life is still happening. You're, believe it or not, OK.

And damn, is that not the best feeling in the world. TC mark

If You Leave, Don’t Come Back

Posted: 22 Oct 2016 02:15 PM PDT

Creative Photo Corner
Creative Photo Corner

If you were to leave, don’t try to be gentle about it. Don't pity me. Don't treat me like a charity case. Don’t look so tortured like you are the one hurting. Don’t act as through you are doing me a favor.

There’s nothing good about this.

Your kind words ring hollow and false. You string me along letting me think there’s hope when there isn’t. And when you finally can't take it anymore, you proceed to tell me how I don’t mean anything to you.

Your voice colder than the winter wind, your eyes are as hard as ice, and your words have devastated me, like a tornado had just uprooted my life.

If you were to leave, don’t try to be my friend. Don’t try to downplay our ending. Don’t try to make light of my pain. Don’t try to taint my impression of you. Don’t try to ruin everything we had.

How can I be your friend when every beat of my heart yearns for you?

When every 'I love you' I want to utter is to you. When I know that some day you will find love and is not with me. When all I can do is watch helplessly as you fall in love with her and try hard not to be stung by this relentless wave of unfairness and resentment. When I look at you and you are all I want and everything I cannot have.

If you were to leave, don’t ever come back. Because when it comes to you, I don’t know how to give up. I cannot and will not give up. Especially if I think there is a glimmer of hope for us. A glimpse of us together. A shot in the darkness you love me back.

That's why I cannot close the chapter of our ending if you are still lingering in my life wanting to salvage your guilt. I cannot look forward when the presence of you block my vision to the future.

I cannot stop loving you if you show me remnants of how you still do. I cannot move on in my life until your absence shows me there’s nothing stopping me.

If you were to leave, do it as honest as you can. Don't sugarcoat your words. Don't bother trying to ease me into a life without you. Don't tell me you are helping me to get used to a life devoid of you. Don't apologize how you wish things were different when all you want is to be freed from me.

And don't think I cannot do without you.

For like the phoenix, I will rise again. Like the wind, you cannot contain me. Like the ocean, I will continue to flourish.
Like the wild spirit I am, I will love again. Only this time, it won't be you. TC mark

Read This If You’re Still Looking For Your ‘Forever Person’

Posted: 22 Oct 2016 01:15 PM PDT

Jenny Woods
Jenny Woods

We as human beings talk a lot about love.

I think it's because whether we admit it or not, our biggest fear isn't heights. Or spiders. Or being in small spaces. Or snakes. Or even Donald Trump. (Jokes…that last one is pretty scary.)

Exaggeration and sarcasm aside, none of the above are our biggest fears.

Our biggest fear is, without question, dying alone.

So we think about soulmates. We dream about forevers. We paint a pretty little picture of what that person looks like, how they walk down the street, we hear the cadence of their speech in our heads. We envision this metaphorical person who is so perfect, so ideal, that they will fill the them-sized-hole in our hearts and complete us.

They'll finish us.

They'll keep us from being alone.

Because while we might brag about confidence and self-assuredness and self-completion to any ear that will listen, the honest truth is very simple.

We don't want to be alone.

We want to believe that there really is someone out there who is biologically, psychologically, hyperbolically perfect for us. We want to hold out for that soulmate, for that person. For that special someone who will be our forever.

But there's one little problem with that fantasy.

And that's that it's just that.

It's just a fantasy.

Love is great, people are great, soulmates and being in love are great. It's all great great great. But the fundamental, unspoken thing that none of us wants to admit is that when you put your trust in people, there's always the chance that you won't have them anymore.

Even if they're your soulmate. Even if they're your fantasy.

Even they've said forever.

People, as remarkable and magical and soulmate-y as they may be, are inherently temporary. They come with promises, sure. But a promise, as heartwarming as it may be, isn't a definite. It's not a guarantee.

A promise, is still not a forever.

The reality is that there's really only one definite, one guarantee, and one person that you can count on to be your forever in this life. One person who you can put your trust in and know what to expect, one person you can unquestionably rely on to be there on your good days, your bad days, and everything in between.

And that is you.

The honest to god, unedited truth about your "forever person"? It's you.

You wake up with yourself and you go to bed with yourself. You're there when it's sunny and lovely and all smiles all the time, and you're there when even just moving from your bed to the shower is an accomplishment. You know yourself inside and out and no matter how you feel about the person in the mirror, you know that you can't go anywhere.

The only person you can fully rely on to be a forever? It's you.

And maybe that's pessimistic. Maybe that sounds unbearably lonely.

Or maybe it's just a sign that you need to love the fact that you get to be with yourself, and be there for yourself forever and always, a little bit more.

Because sure.

'Soulmate' runs off the tongue very prettily and the idea of someone by our side is never a bad thing. But putting all of your stock in another person is risky, it's a gamble.

And putting your stock in yourself? Well…that's not only brave. But it's strong. It's confident.

And it's a confidence that will ultimately make you a forever person.

Yes to others. Yes to your family. Yes to even the strangers you encounter in your day to day.

But most importantly, it's that self-actualization that will make you the best forever person you can be for yourself.

Which, at the end of the day, is all you will ever really need. TC mark

This Is How You Love A Scorpio

Posted: 22 Oct 2016 12:45 PM PDT

Allef Vinicius
Allef Vinicius

Prioritizing Loyalty.

Once you have entered the inner circle of a Scorpio’s life, you will forever have a protector and advocate in your corner. However, if you do not reach their inner circle, you will be left to fend for yourself as the Scorpio will be too busy focusing on the things he or she actually cares about.

Earning Their Trust.

Scorpios have the ability to seem vulnerable without really providing any personal information and will keep you guessing before they decide what to do with you; but once they trust you, their walls will crumble and they will put themselves at your mercy. The flipside? It is very difficult to earn a Scorpio's trust. You will realize only too late that you have spilled your life's story without getting an ounce in return.

Accepting Their Raw Honesty.

Scorpios tend to be honest to a fault. They will rarely leave you guessing about where they stand or what they think, especially if you ask. This doesn't mean they trust you, but they don't see the point in lying if you've asked for their opinion on something or how they feel about you. When Scorpios extend compliments, it seems like Gospel truth and it's hard to disbelieve it. Unfortunately, this is also the feeling that accompanies any unpleasant things they might say; and Scorpios don't discriminate between the two.

Reciprocating Their Love Language.

Scorpios are famed for oozing sex appeal; but it's not only their ability in bed that gives them this reputation. It is also their ability to tease, flirt, and summon with a touch or a look. Cancers require an emotional connection and a good deal of coaxing to come out of their shells, which calls upon the Scorpios skills in wooing. This quality is usually the initial reason for most Cancer/Scorpio connections. There is a mutual understanding of what the other needs that surpasses words. The Cancer will be surprised by his or her immediate sexual attraction to the Scorpio, and will feel safe by the Scorpio's restraint in waiting for the right moment. What the Cancer may not realize is that Scorpios are predators, and they love the chase as much as actually catching what they desire. If the Cancer gives in too early, or the Scorpio is not fully committed, the Scorpio can maintain emotional detachment and use the Cancer until his or her wants are satiated.

Understanding Their Complexities.

Scorpios are very sensitive, deeply feeling, and often get hurt in romantic relationships. This is because they become blind when they allow their partner in too close. If a Scorpio has had one or more experiences where they have been hurt by a significant other, he or she can become possessive and jealous. Because they feel blinded by their own feelings, Scorpios will lash out and may hurl irrational accusations at their partners. It requires a certain type to battle against, and seek understanding of, a Scorpio's more complex nature. TC mark

What I Learned From High School, Rumors, And Mean Girls

Posted: 22 Oct 2016 12:15 PM PDT

You know what I realized? All the friends I could’ve made but couldn’t. Not for lack of trying, but due to the efforts of others who have contributed to my own toxicity.

When I was a freshman in high school, there was a nice girl in my class I wanted to be friends with. One afternoon I happened to walk home with her big sister who told me, “She said that ***** told her you backstabbed her and that you’re a mean person. She’s angry at you and doesn’t want to talk to you.” Needless to say her big sister didn’t want to have anything to do with me after this.

Countless times through the course of my life I would hear the same from people I don’t talk to anymore but still have on my Facebook, or even from people I have become very good friends with – “To be honest, Sade, I’m surprised you’re nice. People told me not to be friends with you because they think you’re a bad, crazy person” as if this were some sort of half-assed apology, as if this were some way of saying “Yo, I see the rumors are wrong. You now have my approval.” Different people, different time, same old story.

For awhile my mind grappled with that: how many people I could’ve befriended, how many reunion parties I could’ve enjoyed with them, how many people hated my guts because they were lied to and made to believe I had done something wrong to them. Seriously there were people I didn’t know, never met, never interacted with who would bully me or yell at me or be pissed at me because they were misled by some petty girls that I had backstabbed them. They probably still believe the fabricated drama to this day.

But whatever, you know. I didn’t get any answers on why what happened had to happen or a resolution to the conflict they caused, so I made my own closure with that. Besides, it’s not my god damn fault if a person prefers to listen to drama or high school mean girls before getting to know me as a person.

I often mused at how much of a waste my youth has been in terms of finding and establishing lifetime friendships. It’s not a waste for me anymore. Growing up meant gaining a lot of enemies, losing a lot of friends, missing a lot of opportunities to build relationships because vicious gossip constantly swirled above my head. I used to think I was the problem until I forced myself to become an adult, took responsibility for my own shit, and accepted I shouldn’t be a ping-pong board for other people’s insecurities.

These days I keep in touch with a lot of people I never even talked to in high school (mostly of usual disinterest, different social circles, and gap in age) and am still friends with people who’ve heard the nastiest crap about me true and untrue BUT have the loveliness of heart to choose to befriend me despite it. And honestly? They’re the best, no exaggeration, despite the lack of Facebook selfies we post.

And these days most of my, for lack of a better term, ex-bullies are trying to act friendly with me whilst casually liking my social media posts despite having before made my life hell. And though I act friendly back like nothing ever happened – I’VE SEEN HOW UGLY PEOPLE’S HEARTS CAN BE AND I REMEMBER.

I’m at peace with it, but I don’t forget, especially when mostly no apologies were given. I have learned to accept sorrys unsaid, let go of apologies that came years too late, and not begrudge life for circumstances undeserved. (Besides… karma always does its reprisal.)

Because other people's actions are never really about you. To quote:

“We must not allow other people's limited perceptions to define us.”Virginia Satir

If people dislike you based on their own need to dislike other people, it is not your responsibility to change their mind. If they are too proud to extend their hand or voice their remorse, then you have further proof you deserve better. People should be humble enough to own up to that, to own up to their personal failings and misconceptions.

And to anyone going through the same, remember:

There are people who will love you that you have not met yet.

The most agonizing yet insightful understanding I forced myself to see is that sometimes things just happen. No reason, no explanation, no divine destiny rubbish on “There is a purpose for this, trust in God’s plan.” Sometimes people are just shitty, the world just sucks, and so the course of your life changes to a more rocky path.

When someone torments you that person is not a life lesson in disguise – they’re simply mean. When they purposely make you miserable it is not because you need the experience in order to attain a greater understanding of life. There are things you can learn without you having to experience pain.

As for my story?

Well I kept minding my business, adapting to live lugging anxiety and trauma. The girl I wanted to befriend is still not my friend, but we smile at each other now. Plus over the years I eventually received, so far, three unexpected messages from different individuals imploring for forgiveness. If you get one you are under no obligation to extend pardon. Do whatever you think is best for you. Do not hold onto anger, but also do not forget those who hurt you for shits and giggles. Never again allow them the satisfaction of affecting you.

“No one will ever accept anything. I think the goal is to not want anyone’s acceptance.” – Nicki Minaj

TC mark

When You Break Your Own Heart

Posted: 22 Oct 2016 11:45 AM PDT


It's a broken heart.

Not the kind of broken that comes from falling in love and then it ending. No. The kind of broken that comes from such self-hatred that it causes nothing but pain and confusion. That kind of heartbreak is one of the hardest to heal. It's the one that sits with you late at night when the rest of the world is sleeping and makes you believe that you're not good enough. For anything or anyone.

If it was heartbreak caused by another person you could focus on that. You can say that they're an asshole. That they're the one causing you all of this pain. You can place all the blame in their direction and looking internally would be something you'd only have to do on a surface level. It's really great when you can blame your pain on someone else.

Self-heartbreak is the hardest to heal. It's the hardest to heal because of the amount of work that would go into fixing it. You think that the pain your feeling from being broken is bad? Just wait until you start shuffling the shit around that's caused you to get to this point. When those feelings of self-inadequacy get shoved into your face, the hardest part will be even admitting that those thoughts exist.

We're really good at burying those feelings. So when they all came rushing to the surface after our body starts shutting down, is when you realize that all the heartbreak, all the pain you thought you knew is nowhere close to this. Nothing feels as bad as realizing that you don't even love yourself.

There aren't any specific reasons as to why it happened either. You were fine with being you for so long until something in your heart gave way and it's like a rush of pure hate has flushed through your entire body. You look in the mirror and you're angry at what you see. You say things, mean things, you would never say to other people out loud.

You start to question your place in this world.

As weird as it's going to sound, you've started down a path to heal, really heal, what has been plaguing you secretly for all this time. By admitting that you're not in the right head space is the first step in starting to get yourself the help you need.

We all heal in different ways too. While some people find a good outlet to get some perspective is counselling, others find comfort by practicing yoga. Some people draw. Some people paint. Some people write. We all have our ways of getting everything, like emotions and experiences, out of our head and into the universe. This allows us to reflect one what we're actually feeling. Sorting through the confusion of what we're actually feeling and why we're taking it out on ourselves so harshly is half the battle.

While this battle feels completely uphill currently, you will get to a place again where you can appreciate all of the good you offer.

Being unique and beautiful is what makes your place in this Earth one that only you can fill.

Take the time to heal. Take the time to do the work to sort through the confusion. Take the time to love yourself again.

You deserve that. TC mark