Thought Catalog


Everything I Learned About Having Great Sex From My Crappy Migraines

Posted: 24 Oct 2016 09:30 PM PDT

Cristian Newman
Cristian Newman

Migraines and sex…

Since I'm a sex educator and a chronic migraineur, you can imagine I think about those two things quite a lot. Even though the experience of the former is distinctly more pleasant than the latter, developing the tools to successfully manage my migraines has offered a number of surprising ideas for how to build a dreamy sex life.

Here are four of the big things migraine management has taught me about good sex.

1. Checking in with the earliest signs of physical changes can help you tune in to your (and your partner's) body.

Migraineurs are advised to pay close attention to their early warning signs of a migraine attack. These signs include sensitivities to sensory input, changes in your vision, nausea, etc. The sooner you can identify a migraine, the sooner you can take the medication (which doesn't work as well if an attack is well underway).

Migraineurs understand that paying attention to their bodies' subtleties isn't indulgent; it's key to managing their condition and staying as pain-free (and happy + productive) as possible.

So how does this relate to sex?

I was recently chatting with a therapist friend of mine who works with women struggling with low sexual desire. She shared with me that many of her clients never learned to pay attention to the small tremblings of their body's early arousal indicators. We talked about how those little signals, like tingling in the genitals or flushing on the chest, can so easily get buried under the weight of our busy minds.

Learning to tune in to our bodies is a practice in mindfulness. When we actively notice what sensations and feelings come up for us, we become more present and can allow ourselves to experience pleasure more fully.

2. Broadening the definition of "sex" and dismantling sexual hierarchies is key to long-term fulfillment.

Unsurprisingly, having migraines does not make it especially easy to have lots of sex.

There is a lucky percentage of the migraine-having population that finds sex helps get rid of an attack, but sadly I am not among them. I just have to modify my routine so sex isn't triggering of future migraines.

During a migraine, loud noises and physical exertion may serve to worsen the pain. I often get migraines that make sex the furthest thing from my mind, but many of my more average ones are intimacy-amenable as long as my medication has worked. I may just feel a bit tender.

What I've learned is that I need to listen to what my body is requesting and realize that even if loud, aerobic lovemaking sounds sexy, gentle, quieter sex can also be hot.

One type of sex isn't inherently better than another. False hierarchies that place one type of sex above another are decidedly not my jam. Sexual expression comes in many different forms, all of which are valid as long as the consent and enjoyment of all parties is prioritized.

For example, I meet many people in my work that place penis-in-vagina sex on a pedestal above all other types of sex. There are a number of reasons why a body might prefer, say, manual stimulation to experience sexual pleasure. If we create a false hierarchy in our minds, manual pleasure is seen – unnecessarily – as the poor cousin.

There are many, many ways to experience pleasure and connection. We do our partners and ourselves a disservice if we do not embrace the tremendous variety of ways we can intimately connect.

What is my jam? Being curious, playful, and present. That is what makes for awesome sex.

3. Sustained habit-building is what creates meaningful change.

Making one's life migraine-friendly, that is, making it as trigger-free as possible, involves a lot of slow habit-building. There are very few quick fixes that actually work. Even many of the medications aren't quick fixes. The preventative medications and treatments can take weeks or months to become effective.

From micro diet changes like drinking enough water, to macro changes like moderating your job stress, managing migraine triggers involves slow and incremental change over time. Eventually, those changes become habits and migraineurs get fewer attacks.

Again, how does this relate to sex?

Despite what some magazine headlines would have you believe, a great sex life is not built off lists of "killer moves to drive her wild." I'd argue that good sex, especially in long-term relationships, is about sustained habit-building over time.

Of course, good sex also requires variety and novelty. But certain habits like doing Kegels, scheduling regular sex dates with our partners, and practicing empathetic listening require long-term devotion.

Habit-building is often a little uncomfortable. New behaviors can take some getting used to. But that's one of the reasons we build relationships that support us – to cushion that discomfort so that when we are making challenging choices, we can do so in a supported manner.

4. Good communication gets you more of what you want and need.

I often lament that we humans can't Vulcan mind meld like as they can in the Star Trek universe. In lieu of possessing that skill, good communication goes a long way in creating harmony and joy in your life.
Linguistic precision is gold. Having the clarity and vocabulary to articulate exactly what you intend to communicate is one of the more satisfying things in life. You can double that satisfaction if that communicative transparency is happening with someone you care about.

As a migraineur, I need my good communication skills on a constant basis. It's my single most important tool in getting the care I need. Explaining my migraine brain to loved ones and colleagues takes some exactness.

The topics range from the more basic, "Please don't wear perfume to my party – it triggers my migraines," to the more complex, "These are the feelings I'm having about needing so much help this week."

Having strong communication skills and the language to describe what you want and need sexually is invaluable. It's an erotic gold mine. Needless to say, it's something worth investing in and the dividends are never-ending.

I'm particularly grateful for the trainings I've done in non-violent communication (NVC) and Danielle LaPorte's Desire Map. Both have been invaluable companions in helping me articulate my experiences of migraines, sex, and life in general. I recommend these resources wholeheartedly and they feature heavily in my work as an educator.

Having a chronic pain condition is messy. Sex and relationships can be messy too. The only way we can really manage these things with any sort of ease is with a good set of communication skills in our linguistic toolbox.

Rarely do we get any sort of formal education in how to emotionally communicate well, so it's up to us as adults to seek out that education so we can live our lives more connected, supported, and joyful. TC mark

I Can’t Wait For The Day When I Am Bored Of You

Posted: 24 Oct 2016 08:52 PM PDT

Screen Shot 2016-02-17 at 9.49.20 PM

I wrote a list of things I like about you and it said things like ‘the smell of his skin relaxes me' and 'perfect dick' and 'the best kisser in the entire world, probably.'

Below it I wrote a list of things I don't like about you. It was shorter and it ended with "he doesn't love me."


I don't know how to act around someone who won't tell me what he needs. I don't know if I should tell you how smart you are or if that's something you already know. I don't know if you have insecurities about women I need to assuage. I don’t know if I need to tell you that your dick is perfect. That normally I don't have so much trouble forming sentences while someone is inside me.

I'm always worried about how people feel, and whether they have been loved enough. I think when you are a person with anxiety, your mind can get away from you sometimes and you can think some pretty nasty thoughts about yourself. It gives you a lot of empathy. I don't like the idea of anyone else having to deal with those kind of thoughts, so I try to give them ammunition in the form of reality. I tell them truthfully the things they don’t have to worry about.

I don't think you think about any of these things, and it's the most exhausting part about being a woman. Before you, my head was full of things much more interesting and important than playing the same conversations on repeat and looking for clues that aren't there.

"I am dumber because of this relationship" I add to the second list.

I can't believe how how capable I am of giving so much thought to someone who almost certainly is not thinking this much about me.

I can't believe how capable I am of being pathetic.


Whenever I get frustrated with something, I try to understand it’s purpose. As long as there’s some kind of goal or reason for the pain, I can take it. It’s self-administered logotherapy.

But I don’t have enough experience to understand what the bigger picture is here. What am I learning? What do I get as my reward for cluttering my brain with these inane thoughts? Am I making it better, for when I find someone else?

Maybe I will get bored soon. Maybe there are only so many minutes of your life that can be spent wondering what it means if he hasn’t texted today and all those minutes are about to expire. Then I can just be happy and relaxed forever. Like you. TC mark

If A Woman Can’t Orgasm – Is It A Man’s Fault?

Posted: 24 Oct 2016 08:30 PM PDT

Pexels
Pexels

A question I often get asked from men is – "my girlfriend/wife has a hard time orgasming during sex – why?”

While there can be many reasons for this, often there are common links.

For example:

  • Fear
  • Stress
  • Poor diet
  • No stamina
  • Trust issues
  • Past trauma
  • Emotional blockages
  • Being afraid to surrender
  • Mindset, social programming, guilt, shame, frustrations, abuse, anxiety, and not knowing how the body functions.

A lot of women experience only a clitoral orgasm and their definition of 'orgasm' is defined by the clitoral peak orgasm. Most are unaware of the 'internal orgasms' that occur from the G-spot, A-spot, Cervix, and other spots.

The word orgasm originates from two Greek words: Orgasmos, meaning to grow ripe, swell and be lustful, and Orge meaning impulse.

It also has origins in the Sanskrit word Urj – meaning power, nourishment and strength.

With my clients, I noticed there is often a theme of shame, guilt, anxiety, fear, stress and not giving themselves enough time to relax, open up, breathe deeply and slow down.

Instead, they pressure themselves to "get there" and if they don't, they think something is wrong with them.

Many women also compare their experiences with other women and most have no idea what type of touch, speed, intensity or softness their body needs during different stages of arousal.

Throughout my sexual journey, I finally understood the concept of relaxing into sex rather than putting pressure on getting there.

Only when I learned how to slow down and relax, I was finally able to truly feel his penetration, the opening, the surrender and the receptivity.

Many of the signals that either strengthen or diminish female desire have to do with the female brain's question: Is it safe here?

In her book "Vagina" – Naomi Wolf describes the connection between the brain and vagina.

She writes:

"It is not so surprising that when the neural pathways from brain to vagina are damaged, one feels that life has less meaning; truly, the well-treated vagina is a medium that releases, in the female brain, what can be called without exaggeration the chemical components of the meaning of life itself."

The most destructive thing that men are being taught about women is that the vagina is just a sexual organ, and that sex for women is a sexual act in the same way it is for men.

But neither gender is being taught about the delicate mind-heart-body connection that, it turns out, is female sexual response.

From child hood to adult hood we accumulate many unhealthy ideas about sexuality and we have no idea about what is right and acceptable.

This disconnection causes restrictions, which can create blockages in our minds, bodies and limit our ability to fully express our sexuality in total surrender.

We also create what is referred to as 'body armor.'

When our energy is blocked we become rigid, judgmental, confused and unable to fully open up allowing us to enjoy one of life's greatest pleasures.

I've personally felt the rigidness and armoring I created in my body when I was going through a very stressful breakup in my life.

My body was completely shut down to pleasure, because I was holding onto a lot of emotions all throughout my body and more specifically in my vagina.

I felt the pain inside the walls, including severe tightness in my pelvic area, hips arms, shoulders and neck.

I finally decided to have several yoni massages to release the physical and emotional blockages from my sexual organs. My body had to go through a 'de-armoring' process. This is kind of like a deep tissue massage to release the knots.

During 'de-armoring' blockages are released, toxins are broken down and blood flow is increased to the sexual organs. Old Knots that hold negative emotions are loosened and broken down.

Emotional, physical, and psychological healing takes place during a Yoni massage where past hurts and frustrations are released. During this process many emotions were coming out – tears, anger, laughter and hurt.

A similar type of healing can happen for men with a lingam massage.

Often it's our accumulated rigid sexual attitudes and past breakups, and trauma that keep us from opening up and experiencing bliss.

For many of us these attitudes come from an early age – the shame, the guilt, the trauma, the social pressures and unhealthy ideas about sex.

Eventually by the time we become adults we have accumulated a lot of unconscious and sometimes unhealthy behaviors and ideas about sexuality.

But how do we heal, change, and evolve our attitudes? It comes down to what we are willing to do for ourselves. If a woman has a hard time orgasming she has to first take the time to:

  • Learn her body
  • Do healing work
  • Develop her sensitivity
  • Learn to trust and surrender
  • Train her mind and body to receive pleasure
  • Open herself to new possibilities of pleasure

Her partner also has to understand that a woman's sexuality is spread all throughout her body.

Most men simply don't take enough time to get their partner aroused. A woman needs time to get aroused the amount of time needed is different for every woman. TC mark

18 Women Reveal How They Initiate Hot Sex In A Way Their Man LOVES

Posted: 24 Oct 2016 08:00 PM PDT

@NickBulanovv
@NickBulanovv

1.

Touching and kissing. Usually we’re in bed, and he’s the little spoon, so I just let my hand wander south of the equator while kissing his neck. He’ll either tell me he’s tired, or he’ll turn over. Initiation procedure complete.

— iownakeytar

2.

I’m pretty straight-forward; some people might think uncomfortably so.

Like, last night, I said, “I want to suck your dick.” and he said, “OK” and then I said, “OK, take off your pants and get in bed.” We ended up having a long and sexy sensation session of me giving him a varied handjob. After awhile, I said, “Do you want to cum?” and he was like, “I don’t know if I can” and I said, “Do you want me to fuck you?” and he was like, “YES!” so I climbed on top and fucked him. It was awesome.

— searedscallops

3.

We fall asleep cuddling, so typically I’ll start with just playing with him/massaging him. From there I’ll go down on him.

— whiskeyandjane

4.

Either verbally (“I want you” works well), or by jumping on them, pushing them back towards the bedroom (or wherever) and kissing them hard with my hands all over the place.

— Lyanina

5.

  • Pull my pants down and stick my butt against his body regardless of his position or what he’s currently doing
  • Spontaneous blowjob
  • Tell him to brush his teeth so we can go to bed
  • Straddle any available limb and ride it
  • Hold his hips and hump his butt when standing behind him
  • Put the dick in my hand when cuddling in bed
  • Lift his shirt and lick his nipples
  • Take his hand and stick it down my pants

— iwatchweeds

6.

Whisper in his ear or I just show my bare butt.

— armsjet

7.

Sit on his lap facing him and start grinding on him, making out with him, massaging him.

Grinding on him in general.

Start masturbating in front of him.

Take my pants off with my back to him and leaning over so can get a great view of my ass.

Put his finger in my pussy so he can feel how wet I am for him.

Tell him how much I need to feel him inside me.

Tell him I want him to fuck my pussy.

Tell him how I want to milk his cock with my pussy.

Tell him how badly I’ve been craving his cock.

Tell him I want to taste him.

Tell him I’ve been thinking about sucking his cock all day.

Etc.

— ABadGirl

8.

Tell him I want him.

Start kissing him and his neck and nibbling his ears.

Just get completely naked.

“Hey we should have sex” or “I’m gonna sex you good!”

Touch him when he has a hard on in the morning.

We are pretty sexually active so it’s pretty easy to get his engines revving in about .5 seconds. Only time he’s not in the mood is when he’s exhausted (understandable) or not feeling well (understandable).

In his last relationship which was 12 years, by the end they rarely had sex (maybe twice a month) and she told him she was no longer attracted to him. He’s DAMN SEXY to me and I make sure he knows it. I make sure he feels wanted and desired. I actively say it out loud so he hears it and sees it in my actions. I try very hard not to take him for granted.

— FuckRelationshipsMod

9.

Kiss him real hard, take a boob out, just get naked, or literally just say “wanna have sex?”

My sex drive was ruined by birth control so it’s usually an enthusiastic yes when I initiate sex nowadays.

— Lindthom

10.

Usually by getting extra touchy, scooching closer to him on the bed, or just straight up climbing on top of him and going for it.

— HarleySpencer

11.

Enthusiastic kissing and touching, combined with just straight asking if he wants to.

— shoup88

12.

Aside from relationships, if I’m just hooking up with a dude – honestly it’s usually a solid 20 minutes of laying in bed closely but not cuddling, attempting to make some sort of playful conversation, and then when it gets quiet – act like I’m clearing my throat so he knows I’m still awake and passively giving him a green light. Finally, I’ll get bored/tired and lean in for the kiss.

— Bill_Purray

13.

I don’t have to try very hard. My boyfriend gets a boner if I kiss him or his stomach, if I touch his leg/stomach, if I lick my lips or suck my/his finger, if I bend over or arch my back, or even sometimes when I eat certain foods. It’s kinda flattering, kind of annoying. :)

If I’m trying to make it kinda special I’ll just randomly start sucking him dick or make out with him passionately, those are his favourites.

— hesback_inpogform

14.

Kissing and groping and text message foreplay

— mamabear41

15.

Normally by pawing at my partner and saying “hey, wanna fuck me”. Or just pushing them down and going for the good bits. My husband boyfriend are very open to me just demanding sex.

— Codydarkstalker

16.

Make out. but since a lot of the time we are together and making out anyways, it isn’t always meant to lead up to sex every time. so if he doesn’t pick up on it soon i ask him to fill my hole.

— heyxchristina

17.

Depends. These days we tend to be tired and in bed so I’ll just start playing with his dick while we watch TV and then the episode will end or he’ll put his phone down and we’ll get it on. When we’ve got more time we let it be more romantic or sensual but we’re quite silly about it most of the time.

— eauderecentinjury

18.

Put on something sexy and tease, tease, tease. If it’s the middle of the day, I do my housework in some new lingerie, bending slowly, looking back, biting lip, and touching myself. That definitely brings him over and from there I’ll look into his eyes and tell him how badly I wanna feel his cock inside me. Guide his hand down to my panties and let him feel how wet I am.

If we’re apart, I send dirty audio clips and pictures throughout the day, sometimes masturbating, letting him know I’m thinking of his throbbing cock.

— mercuryteaparty TC mark

I Was Accused Of Embezzlement And My Only Way Out Was Becoming A Submissive At The Chateau

Posted: 24 Oct 2016 07:30 PM PDT

@NickBulanovv
@NickBulanovv

Carla Lewis was waiting patiently in the red leather armchair in front of his desk. She stood immediately when he entered the room putting down her china cup and saucer on his desk as he made his apologies.

"No problem. I know why you have called me here to the Chateau. I want you to know I had no part in the embezzlement. I regret everything that has happened," she gushed nervously at him as he took her hand to shake it. Her pretty pink lips were moist and her chestnut eyes showed her shyness and slight fear of him. It was intoxicating. She was a highly attractive woman with more than average intelligence. She was his perfect woman. He knew fine well she'd had no part in the embezzlement in managing the accounts of the Chateau's sister business just outside London. Her philandering promiscuous fiancé had been fully responsible. But he had left the country for parts unknown and someone had to take the fall. Maxim nodded and raised her hand to his lips to sweep her delicate pale skin with a kiss. She blushed and lowered her eyes, sweetly fluttering her eyelashes.

"I know everything, Mademoiselle Lewis. Please sit."

"I have informed the police but they cannot trace Anthony. They believe he has left England and are now investigating me. I had nothing to do with it," she sounded desperate watching him as he moved around to sit behind his desk.

Despite the navy power suit she wore the small curved blonde appeared fragile and vulnerable. He decided it was time to ride to her rescue.

"I instructed them to," he confessed. "A lot of money was stolen and I can't be too careful. My family has a reputation to maintain."

Her eyes looked downcast.

"I would never betray the kindness your family has shown me, Monsieur Devereux and I would never steal from them."

"I understand your strong feelings but I must investigate all areas no matter how painful that is for you or me." He paused studying her closely. "But I have a proposal for you. I can protect you and your own business reputation from the police."

"What it is it? I will do anything to convince you I am not a thief."

Maxim raised one eyebrow and smiled.

"Good. I want to train you as a submissive here at the chateau so you can become my wife. Then I want to breed you," he told her in a soft dark caressing voice.

Maxim's lips curled sensuously as he watched naivety swirl with confusion in Carla's hauntingly deep chestnut eyes. At forty she was sophisticated as well as beautiful in her small delicate appearance despite her attempt to power dress in her navy suit. Nervously she played with her short cut platinum hair, smoothing it around her ears making Maxim enthralled with her fragility. Everything about the woman was neat, composed and carefully crafted as though she was wearing armour and hiding her true self from him and the rest of the men in the world.

It both infuriated and aroused Maxim. Some feral part of him wanted to shake her up, ruffle her hair, push her back against the wall possessively taking her mouth before tearing the clothes from her body like a Neanderthal. When they met in London in the presence of her fiancé Anthony, not two months ago, he had known she was out of bounds yet still the same sensation of feeling had washed over him. The man she had engaged herself to was a good manager but he thought nothing of belittling the woman at every turn. She seemed frightened of him and what had alarmed Maxim most was that when she had briefly rolled up the sleeve of her spring jumper he had seen two large bruises around her wrist as though she had been viciously grabbed in an argument. It made him wonder if there were other bruises of a more intimate nature she was hiding. Fear for her safety had surged through him and he'd found himself staring at her. She'd quickly rolled down the sleeve again, her eyes growing glassy with embarrassed tears she made every damn effort to suck up and hide from him.

Maxim tried to arrange to talk to her privately but she would not see him and on the phone she deflected any attempt he made to discuss it. He'd wanted to provide her with help and protection but she would not hear of it and he had been forced to push her to the back of his mind. However her stubbornness had not stopped him looking for every opportunity to find something on Anthony Radleigh and get him out of Carla's life and she in to his own. Now Anthony had disappeared she was fair game and Maxim intended to win the hunt.

"Are you serious?" her words were spoken slowly and were heavy with disbelief.

"Yes, I am," he answered with firmness. "I want you, Carla. By the time I am finished in revealing the real you under all of that armour and satisfying all of your desires, hopes and dreams I am more than confident you will want to belong to me in marriage."

Those moist pink lips of hers parted angrily provoking an image of her naked on her knees submissively reaching up to wrap them around his penis and suck it hard.

"Your arrogance knows no bounds, does it?" she snapped. "I think you know fine well the embezzlement had nothing to do with me, Mr. Devereux but you are using it to trap me."

Carla was on her feet. Her voice had risen from it usual calm demeanour and her face was flushed with fury as she continued to wrestle for control with him. He found himself aching to make her bare bottom blush over his knee at the mercy of his hand.

"So you do have a temper. Good I will enjoy taming it," he smiled.

Maxim's eyes lowered to her breasts, their soft tops visible above the Hugo Boss suit jacket. He watched them rise and fall with each agitated breath picturing the tight pert mounds filling the span of his palms as he squeezed the milk from them. Next they were to travel to the plentiful curve of her hips, swaying seductively with fevered motion as she continued to rebuke him and retrieve her bag from the floor next to her at the same time. He said nothing calmly enjoying the reactions of her body to the anger she undoubtedly felt, unmoved to passionate response or defence of his character. But now she was heading for the door and he had no intention of allowing her to leave the room.

Carla opened the door but he raised his arm above her and pressed it shut again. She shook the handle prompting him to keep his hand against it. He leaned in close, towering above her small form and stroked her hair.

"Shh. You know I can't let you leave," he whispered as she continued to face the door unable to turn and look at him. She let out a small unexpected sob and shook the round handle again.

"Please do not be afraid of me. I mean you no harm. I want to protect you from Anthony Radleigh. He is a violent man and I know his plan was to return for you when everything died down and force you to run with him. He is in Paris at this very moment and he isn't happy you have helped the police or that you have told them about his physical abuse of you. Anthony is looking for revenge. If he gets a hold of you, Carla, he will at least beat the very life out of you if not kill you. I have had him privately investigated. The man takes drugs that make him a loose cannon. He gambles and he owes a lot of money to some dangerous people. If he doesn't give them back their money they will kill you for revenge."

Maxim brushed his lips across the top of her head inhaling the fresh smell of peach blossom shampoo and conditioner.

"So you see, I can't let you leave and place yourself in danger. If you do manage to walk out of here I will have the police pick you up and confine you to a cell on the charge of conspiring with Anthony to steal from the London school. You will never work in business again with a charge like that hanging over your head but more importantly you will be safe. I will do whatever I have to protect you, Carla . . ."

His speech was cut short when she turned around sharply removing the caress of his fingers along her hair and slapped him hard across the face. For a second the blow stung but did more to fire his passion than anger him. He caught hold of her wrists and pushed her back against the door, claiming her mouth without consent. At first she was to resist the penetration of his tongue inside her silky wet pouting mouth. He pinned her arms above her head and persisted. He would try a little longer for a response and then break off his kiss defeated for now but she was to reward him with a surprise. She began to open her mouth and invite him in surrendering her control, losing herself in his kiss, allowing the resistance in her arms to relax in his grip. He hadn't imagined the look of her attraction in her eyes when they worked together in London or when he first walked in to the room before their meeting had begun.

It felt good to feel his lips against hers. He had spent many a night wondering what it would be like to feel her next to him in his bed. At first his emotions and feelings had conflicted and warred with his loyalty to his deceased fiancé. He'd never expected to find another woman yet here she was right in front of him melting in his arms. But to his surprise the moment was to prove short lived. Maxim felt Carla's wilful resistance return pulling her body taut as her stubborn reasoning mind kicked in again. She kicked out and caught his leg making him wince. The woman needed taming and to be taught not to be frightened of surrendering to her own needs and desires without shame. Time to crack that defensive armour she placed around herself and lay her bare and vulnerable.

Skilfully he wrapped his leg around the one she was using to kick at him and forced her to widen her stance, stretching her skirt to ripping point. She stared up at him with frightened but confused aroused eyes. There appeared to be something inside the woman which liked to be pressed back up against the door and handled roughly.

He smiled with triumph.

Carla Lewis was indeed perfect for him. He let go of her wrists ignoring the way she began to beat them against the tops of his shoulders then removed his leg to bend quick and catch up the hem of her skirt. With practiced effort he wrestled the navy pencil skirt up her thighs to bunch it at her waist to expose the pale white flesh above her flesh coloured stay ups and the ivory silk thong riding between her succulent thighs.

Maxim was forced to move her back against the door again by bringing his body close to trap her there. His hands slipped under the sides of the skimpy thong and pulled it down her legs to just above her ankles to expose the neatly shaven dark curls of her sex fashioned in to a triangle. Carla was furious when he stood back to admire his handiwork and take tight hold of her arms. She tried to move forwards to attack him tears beginning to spill with frustration down her cheeks but she stumbled hampered by the restriction of her panties around the beginnings of her ankles. Satisfied any attempt at escape would prove comprising and impossible for her he locked the door and lifted up her struggling form against his chest and carried her to his desk.

Maxim stood Carla down in front of the desk behind the red leather chair she had just been sitting in not minutes ago and bent her over the bound black leather surface. Holding her in place with his palm in her back he picked up the cane he had left on his desk from that morning when he had considered using it on his accounts assistant. He looked down at Carla's bare bottom and how well positioned it was for a caning. Perhaps this would bring her back to her senses and calmness. After being disciplined by the Dean of the Chateau like an errant pupil she would be more accepting of her situation and his need to protect her from harm. It was time to begin her first lesson in her training as a submissive.

"You must be schooled, Mademoiselle Lewis. Your temper will be your undoing. I intend to protect you from yourself and Anthony Radleigh whether you wish me to or not. The first lesson I will teach you today is about trust. You will learn to view me as your protector and someone you can come to when fearful. Consider your caning a punishment not for any false belief in a conspiracy to defraud The Chateau but for not considering your own needs for love and safety and coming to me when I offered you help and protection from a violent man."

Before she could issue a reply Maxim raised the handled cane and flicked it with precision over her buttocks. Her yelps came loud and fast. Then they mingled with sobs and a heavy release of emotion she clearly hadn't expected. Wielding the rattan cane he never hit the same place twice patterning his strokes across her bottom before turning his attention to the backs of her thighs to soundly cane her. She was to keenly feel Maxim in his stride at that point and her cries were even louder. More emotion flooded in sobs from her lips. Tears flowed heavily and Maxim began to realise with relief Carla was ridding herself of the pain Anthony had caused her. He could feel the room lighten with the release of her distress with every stroke. Maxim listened to the cane whoosh through the air and thwack against her flesh to sharply sting it. Many people became strongly sexually aroused by a caning and it made him wonder what Carla was feeling under her emotion. She might have run the Chateau with Anthony but he had the feeling she had never been spanked, caned or whipped for pleasure on her bare bottom for loving discipline or pleasure. Carla seemed to have only known frightening violent abuse from a man determined to control her. Under Maxim's care and guidance Carla would come to learn the paradox of pain and desire.

The Dean raised the cane for the last time and aimed it across the middle of both buttocks with a final high pitched thwack. Carla's bottom rose and fell as though she were humping the desk. Her sobs had receded and she had been taking the last strikes with calm dignity and resignation. He was greatly pleased with her progress on the first lesson. Maxim put the cane back down on the desk and smoothed his palm over her raw burning buttocks. At first touch she flinched and a whimper echoed from her lips. The sound betrayed her vulnerability generating a warm protective feeling for her. It surged with strength around Maxim's body. He couldn't resist bending to brush his lips against her hair and then across one reddened buttock. His other hand patted her back.

"Good girl. You have done well. I think the punishment was more than disciplining. It was cathartic for you. You needed to get rid of a lot of emotion. How do you feel?" he asked gently stroking her bottom with his fingertips bending to admire the pattern of his strokes and take a closer look. Gently he brushed his lips across the heat flaming from her flesh. He wanted to know if the caning had aroused her.

"It hurt . . .but it did feel good to cry. Please let me go now," there were tears in her voice again.

Maxim bent again to look between her thighs and boldly smoothed his fingers down the swell of her bottom and along the curve that led to her pussy. Before he reached the folds his fingers became damp from wetness lining the inside of her thighs. He couldn't help but smile. She shuffled uneasily moving her weight on her feet. He pressed down on her back firmly to steady her and keep her obedient to his examination.

"You know I can't. Anthony is looking for you. I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe," he informed her once more, venturing to stroke inside her folds to brush the end of the small bud resting between them with the tip of his finger.

His captive was drenched in her juices, pliant and ready for taking. She tried to move again giving a small shocked gasp that he'd dared to caress her so intimately. Maxim began to circle the small hole leading up inside her channel finding it slick and tight. He bent down opening the plump lips of her vagina with his other hand to closely examine the pinkness of her flesh, squeezing her clit between his fingers to test its weight and girth. He heard her moan and smiled to himself when she quickly tried to cover it with conversation.

"So, are you are going to keep me a prisoner here?" she asked with a shaky voice.

Maxim rolled the fleshy protrusion between his fingers and cruelly pinched it making her cry out.

"Yes I am," he told her softly in a dark velvet voice. "And I will do so until you are safe. During your stay I think it is a good opportunity to learn more about the business you run for me in England. A good CEO knows every inch of her business inside out and knows exactly how to please her clients and see to the needs and protection of her staff. I believe you know little about The Chateau here in France. When you find yourself surrendering to me and eventually becoming my wife you will help me run it as you did in London and I expect high standards. If you were a man I would suggest you attend the lessons, lecture and become one of the employed masters but you are a woman and to experience The Chateau and the female experience you will need to become one of the female staff."

"No, please. I will make more of an effort to . . ."

"Hush," he nipped her clit again to silence her pleading with a cry.

A rush of thick moisture flooded Carla's pussy making him grin as he peered in to it to see the lips glistening. Her sex was ripe and healthy looking but he wanted her thoroughly medically examined. Maxim was concerned the abuse she had suffered at Anthony's hands was more than strikes to her face and body. Carefully he curved his middle digit up inside her channel penetrating her deeply.

Carla began to pant and moan.

"Please don't do this," she breathed.

"Why not? Take your pleasure, Carla. I often allow it if the woman took her punishment with courage. You have learned your first lesson well. In the future you will remember that if you disobey or displease me especially by putting yourself in danger, I will spank you over my knee whether we are in private or public. Do I make myself clear, Mademoiselle Lewis?"

Maxim started to thrust his finger in and out of her body as he waited for her answer stoking her need to boiling point. But she kept him waiting a little longer than he considered appropriate for her situation. Raising his hand to prompt her speech he spanked her sore bottom four times until she yelped her answer.

"Yes, Yes, Monsieur Deveurex."

"From now on you will call me Sir. I will be the Master who trains you as a submissive so you can experience the Chateau and that includes the Milking House, Mademoiselle Lewis. I look forward to seeing your breasts being milked by my hands and the machine."

"Please, no. I can't . . ."

"Yes you can and you will," he told her softly.

Maxim curled his finger upwards until it made contact with the rough wall of her vagina and her G-spot. With an artful stroke he manipulated the pleasure centre until he heard Carla gasping to catch her breath, her climax swiftly approaching. Her hips pumped downwards on to his digit in the direction of the desk as though she were once again humping it. He could see her fight to widen her legs but the silk thong he'd placed around her ankles forced her channel to remain tight to his satisfaction. This way she would feel the strength of his domination. The humiliation at being caned like a naughty school girl and being forced to orgasm would make the experience more intense. But still he could feel resistance to his control within her body. She was failing to trust him and the challenge to make her a submissive without it would make life difficult. He had to prove he was more than worthy of keeping her safe in her training and providing for her every need just as a good husband would do.

Carla began to bite her pink glossed bottom lip in an effort to stop herself from releasing her orgasm.

"You are so wet, Carla yet I can see you holding back. I might punish you for indiscretions but I will also make sure you receive all your needs, sexual or otherwise. You are safe with me and to transcend the disapproval you feel in allowing yourself to feel pleasure with your pain. It is a paradox you feel intensely. There is no shame in it. Now, I want you to come like a good girl and trust me to protect you," he whispered, his breath caressing the tender lobe of her ear.

"If I come then it means . . ." she stuttered with a whimper.

"That I have control of your body, its functions and your will," he told her masterfully. "I had control of you the moment you jumped from the seat in your office to take a plane and be here when I demanded it, petite fille. Surrender or I will keep you like this and allow my male staff to enter the room and intimately inspect your sex to show you just how much power I wield over you. Is that what you want?"

"No, no . . ."

Maxim stepped up his internal caress moving his free hand between the desk and her sex to grip the curls of her pussy in a fierce grip making her yelp and hold on to the oak and leather surface much tighter than she had been for support. Then with an unforgiving hand he cupped her sex and began to spank it, catching the clit and the folds expertly to both arouse and chastise. After three slaps Maxim forced Carla to lose the battle. She climaxed with a loud helpless defeated cry. TC mark

17 Horny Men On The Absolute Sexiest Underwear A Woman Could Wear

Posted: 24 Oct 2016 07:00 PM PDT

Twenty20, jakestrongphotog
Twenty20, jakestrongphotog

1.  “Crotchless underwear. If she put that under a dress and then walked around in public with me, I’d be hard the entire time. I’d probably end up dragging her to a bathroom or something for a quickie. Wouldn’t be able to help myself.” — Joshua, 25


2. “My exes have complained about me wearing fandom boxers, but I like when women do that. Especially if they do it for me. I’m obsessed with Supernatural and my current girlfriend bought a thong with the show’s logo on it. So. Damn. Hot.” — Taylor, 23


3. “I actually like those boy shorts or booty shorts or whatever they’re called. Where she’s mostly covered up, but just the corners of her ass are showing. That’s super fucking sexy.” — Andrew, 27


4. “Thongs, obviously. I want to get a good look at that ass.” — Adam, 19


5. “When she struts around the house in my boxers and her bra. Or, really, even if she’s wearing an oversized tee-shirt with the boxers, it’s hot. I guess it doesn’t matter much. There’s just something about seeing her in my underwear.” — Brandon, 30


6. “I like anything lacy. It adds a layer of classiness to the sluttiness. I don’t know why, but it does.” — Lucas, 20


7. “I don’t care, as long as it’s not anything with pictures or a catchphrase on it. As much as I love Disney, I’m not fucking you if there’s a picture of Stitch down there.” — Caleb, 27


8. “I don’t know? Whatever’s comfortable. Whatever’s clean. She could be wearing granny panties and it wouldn’t matter to me. What matters is under the underwear.” — Don, 22


9. “Anything black paired with a black bra. Simple and sexy.” — Antonio, 21


10. “My ex had this underwear where only the crotch was see-through, so you could see her slit. I’ve never seen anything hotter.” — Jim, 22


11. “I honestly don’t pay any attention to underwear. I rip it off before I look at it.” — Travis, 24


12. “Thin material. I hate when it’s thick and I try to rub a girl’s clit and she’s looking at me like she can’t feel a thing. Want an orgasm? Buy thinner shit.” — Blake, 25


13. “Anything, unless it’s covered in polka dots. I feel like polka dots are for children. I want a woman, not a little girl. Sorry.” — Ray, 29


14. “I don’t think it’s regular underwear. It’s more like lingerie. But my girlfriend has this bright red thing with the ass cut out into a heart. We had anal while she was wearing it.” — Scott, 26


15. “This is so very corny, but my girlfriend underwear that says Property of Jeremy across the ass. I love it, because it’s all for me. Even if we break up, she’ll never wear it in front of anyone else. Unless she finds another Jeremy.” — Jeremy, 25


16. “I like when my girlfriend wears really girly colors. Something bright pink maybe. Makes her look even more feminine than usual.” — Luis, 20


17. “What about no underwear? Knowing a girl is walking around commando is exciting–especially if she has on a sundress. I’m a sucker for a sundress.” — Cameron, 26 TC mark

Here Are All The New Shows + Movies Coming To Netflix In November 2016

Posted: 24 Oct 2016 06:39 PM PDT

The biggest news of the year (for those of us who never left Luke’s, at least) is that the Gilmore Girls special premieres on Netflix on November 25th — just in time to take a nice long Thanksgiving weekend and rewatch your favorite season of the series. Even for people who don’t enjoy plaid skirts and witty banter November is bringing tons of treats for everyone. Here’s the full list of everything coming to Netflix in November, plan ahead to have some cozy fall nights in!

November 1

Alfie
Alfie

The African Queen (1951)
Alfie (2004)
Bob the Builder: White Christmas (2008)
Candyman 2: Farewell to the Flesh (1995)
The Confessions of Thomas Quick (2016)
Cujo (1983)
The Doors (1991)
The Heartbreak Kid (2007)
Jetsons: The Movie (1990)
King’s Faith (2013)
Love, Now (2012)
Norman Lear: Just Another Version of You (2016)
Pervert Park (2014)
Ravenous (1999)
Stephen King's Thinner (1996)
Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990)
Thomas & Friends: A Very Thomas Christmas (2012)
Thomas & Friends: Holiday Express (2012)
Thomas & Friends: Merry Winter Wish (2010)
Thomas & Friends: The Christmas Engines (2014)
Thomas & Friends: Ultimate Christmas (2009)

November 2

Dough (2015)
Food Choices (2016)
Meet the Blacks (2016)

November 4

Just Friends
Just Friends

The Crown: Season 1 (Netflix Original)
Dana Carvey: Straight White Male, 60 (Netflix Original)
The Ivory Game (2016) (Netflix Original)
Just Friends (2005)
World of Winx: Season 1 (Netflix Original)

November 9

Danger Mouse: Season 2 (Netflix Original)

November 11

All Hail King Julien: Season 4 (Netflix Original)
Case: Season 1 (Netflix Original)
Estocolmo: Season 1 (Netflix Original)
Roman Empire: Reign of Blood: Season 1 (Netflix Original)
Tales by Light: Season 1 (Netflix Original)
True Memoirs of An International Assassin (2016) (Netflix Original)
Under the Sun (2015)

November 12

Take Me To The River
Take Me To The River

Take Me to the River (2015)

November 13

Chalk It Up (2016)

November 14

Carter High
Carter High

Carter High (2015)

November 15

Dieter Nuhr: Nuhr in Berlin (Netflix Original)
K-POP Extreme Survival: Season 1
Men Go to Battle (2015)
The Missing Ingredient: What is the Recipe for Success? (2016)

November 16

Burn After Reading
Burn After Reading

The 100: Season 3
Burn After Reading (2008)
Jackass 3.5: The Unrated Movie (2011)
Paddington (2014)

November 17

Lovesick
Lovesick

Lovesick: Season 2 (Netflix Original)
Paranoid: Season 1 (Netflix Original)

November 18

The Battle of Midway (1942)
Beat Bugs: Season 2 (Netflix Original)
Colin Quinn: The New York Story (Netflix Original)
Divines (2016) (Netflix Original)
Prelude to War (1942)
San Pietro (1945)
Sour Grapes (2016)
Thunderbolt (1947)
Tunisian Victory (1944)
Undercover: How to Operate Behind Enemy Lines (1943)
Why We Fight: The Battle of Russia (1943)
WWII: Report from the Aleutians (1943)

November 22

Mercy (2016) (Netflix Original)

November 23

Penguins: Spy in the Huddle: Season 1

November 25

Gilmore Girls: A Year In the Life
Gilmore Girls: A Year In the Life

3%: Season 1 (Netflix Original)
Boyhood (2014)
Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life (Netflix Original)
Michael Che Matters (Netflix Original)

November 29

Silver Skies (2016)

November 30

The Jungle Book
The Jungle Book

Ghost Team (2016)
I Dream Too Much (2016)
The Jungle Book (2016)
Level Up (2016)
Traded (2016)

Happy binge-watching! TC mark

Why Empathy Is One Of The Sexiest Skills You Can Possess

Posted: 24 Oct 2016 06:30 PM PDT

João Silas
João Silas

Empathy is one of the sexiest skills you can have.

In my mind, good sex is less about how many Kama Sutra positions you've memorized and more about how you show up emotionally in the relationship.

Relationships can be rich with feelings, both celebratory and challenging. Being able to meet those feelings with empathy helps demonstrate our regard for our partners.

Knowing how to respond to your partner's feelings is a key grown-up skill. And most of the time when people are having feelings, they need empathy, not strategy.

When empathy is nurtured, mutual understanding is also nurtured. And being understood is super sexy.

Here are four ways to nurture your own ability to empathize and connect.

1. Get curious and inquire.

In order to get more empathetic, we have to be curious about someone else's emotional reality. We must wonder, "What's going on for them?" without immediately going into evaluation or judgment.

Remaining curious, rather than judgmental, about their emotional reality helps us stay open and inviting to what they have to tell us.

Actively nurture your curious instincts. Wonder more and judge less.

2. Let go of "fixing" what's going on for someone.

If your partner is expressing emotional distress, an effort to "fix it" is unlikely to land with them.

Fixing can be antithetical to empathy. One of my favorite definitions of empathy comes from the Center for Nonviolent Communication: "To be fully present with someone's feelings, without trying to change what's alive in them."

That kind of presence is powerful. And when we can connect like that to a partner, it can be pretty damn sexy, too.

Most of the time we can't fix something for someone, even if they wanted us to. Offer more presence and less strategy.

3. Don't listen just to plan your response. Listen for their feelings and needs.

One of the biggest mistakes people make in communication in general is getting so in their own heads that they don't fully listen to what's being said by the other person.

They focus on their own reply rather than on deeply hearing the other person's words.

Sometimes in our attempt to empathize, we get into our own stories about a time when we felt similarly to what someone else is feeling.

Occasionally this kind of shared experience is helpful – like in instances when someone feels alone in the world.

But often, if we go into our own stories, we take the focus off the person having the big feelings. What they really need is for us to just be present and make space for their feelings.

Giving empathy requires more listening than replying. Your presence is more important than your insight.

4. Ask what kind of support they'd like.

This is where a strategy might come into play. After you've listened and given your partner your presence, you can ask something like, "Is there any specific kind of support you'd like from me?"

If you want to offer suggestions, here are some examples: a glass of water, a tissue, some solitude, or just more listening. Let them tell you what they need.

Empathy is a communication superpower. But it's a superpower that must be learned and practiced. We're not born knowing how to be empathic communicators. I invite you to take try on these suggestions and see how they fit with your communication style. It might feel a little uncomfortable at first (new stuff often does), but in the long run, I think you'll find it'll help you upgrade your connection to the people in your life. TC mark

Even Though It’s Over For You, It’s Not Over For Me

Posted: 24 Oct 2016 06:01 PM PDT

Unsplash, Everton Vila
Unsplash, Everton Vila

Even though it's over, I can still feel you here. When I close my eyes at night I can still feel your hands interlaced with mine and I swear I can feel your arms around me. I can still smell you in the air and I can still feel your heart beating.

Even though it's over, I still miss you. I go through our text messages and laugh at our jokes. I still remember everything that we said and did. I remember your birthday that we spent in front of the pond talking about the world. And I remember arguing about which flavor of pizza to get.

Even though it's over, I still think about you. I think about everything we were and everything we could have been. Then I think about what we are and it still breaks my heart every time.

Even though it's over, I still wish you'd change your mind. I still wish you'd come back to me. Sometimes I stare at my phone, because I hope you'll reach out to me one day.

Even though it's over, I still write about you. No matter how many days pass that you don't cross my mind, somehow you'll always come back again and I'll write everything that I want to tell you.

Even though it's over, it's still you. Your smile. Your laugh. Your eyes. Your scent. Your words. Your touch. It's always just you.

Because even though it's over for you, it's not over for me. TC mark

How To Break Up Without All The Heartbreak

Posted: 24 Oct 2016 05:30 PM PDT

Twenty20, @rodrigodaibert
Twenty20, @rodrigodaibert

She said, "When I can't sleep, I want you to stay up with me."

"I can't do that. I have to get some sleep for work."

It was 3:00 AM and I had to leave for work in a few hours. The girl I'd been seeing for a couple months was an insomniac.

"Well I don't care, as long I'm your girlfriend then I expect you to stay awake." She snapped.

That was it for me. I lost it.

"Get out of my bed and get your stuff. I'm taking you home."

We drove 20 minutes to her house in silence. I dropped her off and the only thing I said was, "I'm sorry but this isn't working. I don't think we should see each other anymore."

She muttered, "Okay," and left. I think she was shocked at how abruptly I kicked her out into the cold night and broke off our relationship.

I never spoke to her again.

I'm not proud of the way I handled the situation. I was young, immature, and an asshole.

I'd already known for weeks that the relationship was over. I had just been delaying the inevitable because I didn't want to hurt her.

She struggled with inner demons from a rough childhood and would take it out on me when feeling insecure. She didn't understand boundaries even when I clearly expressed them. She wanted me to fix her and resented me when I couldn't.

She simply wasn't in a good place to have a healthy relationship. Nor was I, to be honest.

I thought delaying the breakup would make things easier. I thought I could protect her. But all I did was bottle up my emotions until they exploded in frustration.

Breaking up with someone the "right way" is difficult. You're rejecting them and it can be devastating if handled poorly. It's important to learn how to let someone down with honesty and tact.

Do: Break up in person if you've been seeing them for more than a couple months

If you had any kind of substantial connection with someone, have the decency to end it in person. It shows compassion and that you value them as a human being.

Preferably, you want to do this in a private location since it is a sensitive subject. The one exception is…

Do: Break up in a public place if you're worried about your safety

If you're breaking up with someone specifically because of their temperament or anger issues, consider doing it in a public area. You don't want to be alone and vulnerable if things get out of control.

You can also let a close friend or family member know you're going to do this. Tell them where you'll be and keep them posted, just in case.

This all may seem a little extreme but it's better to be safe than stabbed. When someone feels rejected, they have a lot of intense emotions to process.

Don't: Think distancing yourself will make it better

I understand how hard it is to look someone in the face and tell them it's over. But the worst thing you can do to a partner is ignore and isolate them, thinking they'll get the hint. That's the coward's way out.

Many people do this and claim it's because they can't bear to see the other person get hurt. But leaving them clueless and uncertain is disrespectful and only results in more pain.

Don't: Stay in a sexless relationship just because you're comfortable

This is something many women do when they're no longer attracted to their partner. It's the old saying, "I love him, but I'm not in love with him."

You care about this person. You feel comfortable around him. But deep down you know that he isn't the end-all be-all romantic man for you.

So you decide to stay with him but let things get more platonic. You stop having sex as often, or not at all. You make up excuses for why you don't want to be intimate.

Shutting out your partner only makes the situation worse. They feel unattractive, rejected, and have no idea what's going on. They also have their own needs which are not being met.

What ends up happening is that your partner gets frustrated and starts pressing you about the issue. They may even guilt you into having sex with them.

You feel annoyed, disgusted, and subsequently resentful. The inevitable break-up becomes much messier for both parties.

And please…

Don't: Wait until you have someone else on the line

A lot of people don't like being lonely (which is another topic in itself). So they don't break it off with someone until they're sure they have a backup plan.

That's not fair or caring at all. It's selfish. You're staying with someone you don't want to be with so you don't have to feel alone. All you're doing is leading your current partner on and not allowing them the time to heal or meet other people.

Don't: Wait for the perfect time or allow them to guilt you into staying

So you're ready to break up but something devastating happens to your partner. Maybe they lost their job or a loved one. You don't want to make things worse so you think you should wait for the "right time".

How exactly do you know the right time? Is it a month? Six months? Why not a couple years then?

What if waiting longer means they're more invested in the relationship and it will only hurt more in the future? What if they handle bad news better at once rather than consecutively? What if something else happens to them in the meantime?

Life will always be full of hardships. Sometimes they come at unfortunate moments. But you'll never know the right time because there isn't one. It's varies from person to person and situation to situation.

Again, the best thing to do is end it as soon as you know things are over.

Occasionally, I've seen the person who's dealing with the traumatic event try to guilt trip their partner into staying. They may call you heartless or inconsiderate for leaving them in such a vulnerable state.

Don't give into that kind of pressure. It's not your responsibility to be in an unfulfilling relationship just to make someone else happy. That's not going to create a healthy connection together. If they truly care about you, they won't use manipulation tactics to get you to stay.

Do: Tell them the real reason

This is probably the toughest discussion in a breakup…the "why?"

Some people think it's best to be vague and sidestep awkward confrontation. Some people blame themselves ("it's not you, it's me") out of guilt. And some people claim they aren't ready for a relationship to minimize the damage.

All these answers are dishonest and won't help the other person potentially grow.

If they find out you lied to them, it makes you look worse and further tarnishes any connection you had. If they have a huge problem, explaining that to them politely may help them consider working on it once their emotions settle down. It did for me.

Obviously, be tactful. Also, use "I" statements to describe how you felt in the relationship rather than attacking them with all the problems "you" have.

For example, think …"I felt like I was the only one putting effort into our intimate connection even after I addressed my concerns. I just don't feel that chemistry anymore."

Don't say… "You never gave a crap about our romantic life. You don't turn me on like you used to and I don't find you attractive anymore."

Don't: Give them hope things could improve in the future

This is what I call the "half break-up". You don't want to crush someone completely so you slip in, "but maybe there's a chance for us in the future." Sometimes, it's because you want a Plan B if you don't find someone better.

Whatever the reason, you're making it difficult for the other person to move on. If they still have feelings for you and believe they'll have a second chance, they'll often try everything to get you back. Or they'll wait around for the day you change your mind and come running back to them.

Be upfront, "I don't see us being together in the future but I wish you the best of luck." If you have a change of heart later, deal with it then.

Don't: Take a "trial" break, either

This is an excuse to see other people while keeping your current partner on the hook if things don't pan out. Or you're just afraid to admit it's over and have them walk away.

Someone always gets hurt and it's usually the other person. They go along with the charade of a "temporary breakup" but then can't handle it once you actually starting dating other people. It only leads to more jealousy, arguing, and suffering.

Cut ties cleanly so there are no misunderstandings. There's nothing stopping you from initiating a connection later on if you both want to.

Don't: Try to be their best friend right after.

From my experience, women have an easier time transitioning to friends than men. This is most true when the girl is the one breaking it off.

When you still like the guy as a person, it makes sense that you want to maintain a friendship. Sometimes, it's nice to have the attention while you're getting used to being without them.

The problem is many guys will still have feelings for you. They will hang around and hope that you change your mind. And often when things don't go back to the way they were, they get frustrated and may even take it out on you — especially when you start seeing other people.

Take a real break to allow them time to heal and move on. It reinforces that this isn't a temporary setback and helps them accept that reality. You can always be their friend down the line when you both can actually be just friends.

It may also be unavoidable that you two will have to see each other and be cordial. Set the right expectations and tell them you want to be friendly but you both should still see other people. Reiterate your platonic and they should not wait around for you to come back.

If they can't handle that arrangement (get jealous, still try to convince you they've changed) you will need to go no-contact until they can be a legitimate friend.

There's a running theme throughout this article….

It's that a communicative, concrete breakup as early as possible is the best for everyone.

This way, you're not stuck in an unfulfilling or unhealthy relationship. You avoid resentment. And you can focus on finding a better connection for yourself.

And this prevents you from leading the other person on and only hurting them more as their feelings get more serious. They'll have more time to move on and eventually find a better fit for them, too.

Breaking up is not callous, it's considerate. TC mark