Thought Catalog

15 Public Sex Tips For Ballsy Girls That Are Bored Of The Bedroom

Posted: 06 Oct 2016 07:00 PM PDT

1. Ease into public sex. Start by doing it while the door is open. Then do it in front of your bathroom mirror. And then do it against your window. Take it one step at a time.

2. Have sex someplace with a locked door. Inside of a changing room at the mall. Inside of a bathroom stall. Inside of your friend’s bedroom during a party. Inside of your car.

3. Wear a long skirt without any underwear. Even better, wear crotchless underwear. That way, unlike your man who needs to unzip his jeans and yank them off, you won’t have to remove any clothing at all.

4. You can still foreplay beforehand–just do it in subtle ways. If you’re walking through the mall together, grab his ass or let your hand graze up against his junk every once in a while. Or head to Victoria’s Secret and browse through lingerie, so he can imagine you wearing it.

5. Penetration doesn’t have to happen. If you can’t get wet enough for a quickie without foreplay, then you can always go down on your man (or have him go down on you).

6. Plan ahead. If you’re going to have sex in a field, bring a blanket. If you’re going to have sex on the beach, bring a towel. If you’re going to have sex in the car, turn the AC on.

7. Be observant. If you want to have sex in a classroom without getting expelled, you can’t walk into the first room you see and start stripping. Figure out which rooms will be empty for a while and then decide accordingly.

8. If you’re going to do it outside, do it after the sun goes down, so there’s a smaller chance of getting spotted.

9. Don’t do anything too risky. Having sex in a secluded part of the park when there aren’t many people around? That’s sexy. Having sex in a packed movie theater? That’s stupid.

10. Try doing it in your own town. You don’t have to leave the neighborhood to have public sex. Do it on the hood of your car when it’s pitch black outside. Do it in the hammock in your backyard. Do it on the roof.

11. Find a clever way to dispose of the condom, so you don’t have to litter. You might want to bring some tissues with you, so you can wrap it up and get rid of it discreetly.

12. Keep the noise to a minimum. I know public sex is hot. But part of the fun is struggling to keep your voice down. You don’t want a cop to overhear and arrest you for indecent exposure.

13. Before it all goes down, foreplay by whispering naughty things to each other. If you’re worried about other people overhearing, because you’re in a crowded area, then you can sext each other. It’s super hot when you’re close enough to touch, but can’t do anything about it yet.

14. Don’t freak out. If you want to get away with a crime, you can’t draw attention to yourself. The same goes for fucking in public. You can’t be looking around nervously and creating suspicion. Act natural. It’s going to be okay.

15. Enjoy it! When you hear someone walk by, don’t tense up. The thrill of potentially getting caught is half the fun of having public sex. It gives you a rush of adrenaline. It makes sex fun again. TC mark

10 Tips To Upgrade Your Sex Life (That Actually Work)

Posted: 06 Oct 2016 06:00 PM PDT

Christopher Campbell
Christopher Campbell

As a Certified Sex Therapist, I work with individuals and couples in therapy. I have worked with people who have been dating a few months, to couples who have been married for 50 years. I have heard it all; people who have low libido to people who are aroused by taboo fantasies. As much as I empower my clients, I've also learned a lot from them about maintaining a healthy and active sex life.

Some couples come to see me after things have already fallen apart, and sex therapy is a last-ditch effort to save their relationship. Others recognize a kernel of an issue, and address it before it pops up into something bigger that they cannot overcome. From one end of the spectrum to the other, here are some tips I have learned as a sex therapist to maintaining a satisfying sex life:

1. Communicate. As a therapist, I think this comes as such an obvious factor in relationships, but I've come to realize (personally and professionally) it is easier said than done. It also makes a huge difference based on how you're communicating. Yelling, screaming, fighting, ignoring, or criticizing your partner are all ways of communicating, but I wouldn't encourage or recommend any of them. Good communication is about active listening, validating, and affirming. If you find that you are having trouble communicating with your partner, find time when you both are able to talk, and do it in a neutral setting, like the kitchen. You can even try an app, such as Expressing Needs, to work on improving communication skills. If you can't figure it out on your own, see a therapist to help create that dialogue.

2. Have common interests. I frequently ask couples what they have in common and the first time a client said, "We have a house together and we have two kids," I was shocked that he identified this as a common interest. I quickly learned that this is all many couples have in common, so this has become a staple question I ask in therapy. When couples reach a point where they have nothing in common, aside from finances and some shared DNA, some will try a new hobby together, but many find that they have grown so far apart that they have no interest in sharing common interests anymore. It is unlikely that discussing bills or your child's homework is going to stir your desire or motivate you to have sex with your partner though.

3. Accept that your sex life will ebb and flow. When you first start dating someone, everything is new and exciting. You put effort into getting ready for a date, and you stay up late texting or talking on the phone. You can't wait to see that person, and it's exhilarating just to have their hand brush against yours. After awhile, the excitement fades. When couples decide to move in together, sex often changes and becomes less frequent. You now have to take turns doing dishes and paying bills, and things don't revolve around just being together.

If you decide to have children, your sex life may increase while you are trying to make a baby. During pregnancy it may change again. After having a child, it is likely to change again, and presumably decrease, as a baby needs attention from you. Eventually that child grows up and moves out though, and it's just you and your partner again. Throughout it all, the goal should never be to "get it back to how it was" but to keep moving forward, create new habits, and make a continuous effort to be intimate.

4. Make an effort. One of the greatest things about being in a long-term relationship is that you can wear your sweatpants, take your make-up off, and burp in front of one another. Feeling comfortable around your partner feels really reassuring. Burping isn't sexy though. Neither is going to the bathroom with the door open. Just because you become comfortable with your partner, doesn't mean you should stop trying. The effort may look different, but take pride in your underwear once in a while, spritz on the cologne, and take your partner on a romantic date.

5. Keep things exciting in the bedroom. Couples tend to find what works for them, which often means the quickest means to an end, but when they stick with that routine for years, it can become boring and monotonous. Talk dirty, try a new position, add toys to the mix, and spice things up once in a while.

6. Flirt. Instead of the obligatory peck on the lips as you rush out the door in the morning, prolong that kiss, stick your tongue in your partner's mouth, slap their butt, and leave them wanting more. Tell your partner how sexy they look. Touch their lower back in public. Laugh together. If you can't remember how to flirt, try downloading an app like Kahnoodle to help you show your appreciation for your partner.

7. Go to therapy. Even when things are good, couples can benefit from going to therapy. I often have couples come in for just a few sessions to get some new ideas, gain some perspective, and learn new ways to communicate. If things are not going well and you are becoming angry towards your partner because your sex life isn't what you want it to be, go to therapy. The sooner, the better. It's easier to fix an issue when it is addressed right away because otherwise resentment can build and suddenly we aren't just angry we aren't having enough sex. Resentment is not a recipe for increasing libido or a successful sex life.

8. Stay healthy. Drugs and alcohol can negatively affect your sex life. For men, drugs and alcohol can have adverse affects on erectile function, including difficulty obtaining or maintaining an erection, and delayed ejaculation. For women, it can actually lower libido, cause vaginal dryness, and make an orgasm more difficult to achieve. Being overweight can also affect your sex life. Since the heart has more blood to pump throughout the body, blood flow to the penis or clitoris may slow. This may lead to an inability to obtain or maintain an erection, or difficulty achieving an orgasm. Obesity can also cause physical barriers, making it difficult for partners to obtain certain sexual positions. High cholesterol and blood pressure can also affect erectile functioning. Physical activity increases endorphins and dopamine, hormones directly related to your sex drive. It's also important to eat healthy, drink in moderation, avoid illegal drugs, and feel good about the body you have!

9. Spend time apart. There really is something to the old adage, "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." Give yourself an opportunity to miss your partner. That is part of what makes dating so much fun because you can't wait to see your special someone. So do yourself a favor and go have a night out with friends, move your home office to a coffee shop for the day, or run those errands on your own. Spending some time apart from your partner gives you an opportunity to miss and appreciate them. It also ensures the time you spend together is quality time. Appreciation is the best aphrodisiac.

10. Have sex. Yes, one of the things to maintaining a healthy sex life is to have sex. Ever heard the saying, "if you don't use it, you lose it"? Apply it to sex. Having sex actually increases our desire to have sex. When we get "too busy" to have sex, we get out of practice, we get out of sync with our partner and our bodies, and our sex lives fall to the wayside. Sex then becomes a chore. There is nothing sexy about doing chores! Sex is kind of like working out sometimes, you aren't in the mood to do it, but you feel better afterwards. Letting go of stress, being present in the moment, and feeling connected to your partner, are all wins.TC mark

12 New Rules That Should Be Non-Negotiable In Modern Dating

Posted: 06 Oct 2016 05:00 PM PDT


1. Don’t text more than you actually see one another in person.
Your relationship exists in real life, not through avatars on a screen.

2. Stop taking people for granted.
There are not "tons of fish in the sea." The number of people you could realistically have a happy, lifelong relationship with are very few. Start with every human that is alive, then break it down. The gender/sex you're attracted to, geographic location, age range –  down a few billion people already. Then factor in the defining details: what you value, if and when you want kids, how you want to spend your Friday nights, how you approach money, your libido, and uh, who you are attracted to on top of all of this. Your circle is smaller than you think. That doesn’t mean they don’t exist – people find them every day. That means you should appreciate them more, and work on it harder.

3. Stop assuming that you have forever to commit.
Getting married later in life isn’t necessarily better – it comes with it’s own host of challenges, namely, merging your lives as two individuals who have spent the bulk of their formative years developing their identities as single individuals. When you get married younger, you have more potential to grow together and adapt to one another. The point is: don’t wait for the sake of it.

4. “Talking” is not a relationship status.
Treating it as such makes it easier and easier for people to shy away from real commitment, and leave others reeling over their very-real-but-not-officially-real “almost relationships.”

5. Ask people on dates, not to “hang out.”
Retire the “here” text for good. Take people to dinner. Knock on the door. Go dancing. (Real dancing.) Bring flowers. Be polite. Treat the people you’re interested in with old school levels of respect. It will go miles.

6. Clarify what your relationship is before you change your status on Facebook.
You don’t ask someone to be in a relationship by sending them a Facebook request. Don’t have your fights play out over a Facebook comment feed. And for the sake of your own sanity, don’t stalk their exes.

7. Stop trusting words over actions. Stop trusting “signs” over reality.
People think they find their soul mates all the time, but that doesn’t mean it always works out. If someone isn’t with you, they don’t want to be. Love survives the impossible every day. Any and every excuse not to be in a relationship comes down to the same thing: they don’t love you enough.

8. Say what you want from a relationship, and mean it, even when it feels easier to write that you’re “just looking to hangout and see what happens” on a dating site.
You’re attracting the wrong people if that’s not what you really mean.

9. Respect other people when they tell you what they want from a relationship.
If they say they don’t want to commit – even though they seem, by all other standards, completely in love with you – they don’t want to commit, unless they explicitly tell you they’ve changed their minds.

10. “Liking” a photo on Instagram is a loaded action, and people pay attention (as crazy as it may seem).
Especially if you’re “liking” the photos of people you’re attracted to, who you’ve dated, and so on. Posting a photo on Instagram of yourself and your significant other is another loaded action, and people pay attention (as crazy as it may also seem). There’s a reason people refer to it as “Insta official.”

11. Put your damn phone down at dinner.
There is nothing that is more distasteful at this point, because it implies that a news feed filled with Donald vs. Hillary memes is more interesting than the person sitting in front of you.

12. If you want to know whether or not you really like someone, ask yourself this: if you were going to be stuck on an island with that person for the rest of your life, and social media didn’t exist, would you still want to hangout with them every day?
If your answer is no, chances are high that what you’re after is not just the security of a partner (albeit the wrong one) but also perhaps the image of having gotten married, or continuing your digital narrative in a desirable way. Remember that the way you feel about your life is how you feel when you’re in it – not when you’re staring at it on a screen. TC mark

21 Ways To Take Care Of A Highly Sensitive Person

Posted: 06 Oct 2016 04:00 PM PDT

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

A highly sensitive person is someone with a more ­developed­ than ­average nervous system. ­ Basically someone who over­feels everything. ­ They are extremely intuitive, and at times come of as being a little judgemental. Even if they had no intentions of judging anyone.

They are sensitive to loud people, irritated by smells and even rough fabrics. They are highly in tune with other peoples emotions, as well as their own, and are aware if one isn't happy. Even if person is sitting far away from them at the dinner table. Because sensitive people are so in tune, life can be pretty exhausting for them. Thus causing them to withdraw at times, and for non-­sensitives to misunderstand.

The Highly Sensitive Person of (HSP) is not always shy or introverted. Shy people may be sensitive, but are more afraid of being rejected. Introverts get tired just from too much time with people. Sensitives get tired from too much of everything at once. Some many sensitives are also introverted, but there are a good handful of extroverts who are sensitive as well.

Often times, sensitives have to make life adjustments to live healthfully. They might need several hours a day to themselves, a quieter living environment, or even to take several weeks off from work.

While that's completely necessary for sensitives to make adjustments, it's important for non­sensitives to accomodate.

Here are a few ways.

1. Speak softly when standing close to them. Too much noise is really painful for them. While they may have energy for certain loud activities, they can't always keep up when those around them are loud. Just remember to use your indoor voice!

2. Sensitives aren't chronic complainers! The world is really overwhelming. Don't label them or try to tell them that we're being a pain in the royal a**. They are irritated by things easily, and are pretty honest about it.

3. Sensitives love really intense art. Don't be shocked if they enjoy painting nude people for hours. It's a way of healing, not a way of being provocative. Art is spiritual, entertaining, and calming for them. Try to accept it, rather than telling them that their weekly change in hair color is unusual. It's a way of being, that deserves no stop.

4. Being tipsy may ring a bell of joy for sensitives, but being drunk really sucks. Non­-sensitives may find the drunk feeling to be pleasurable, but for sensitives it's more like a headache. So when they are out don't pressure them to chug! If you are planning on staying out later than them, make sure that your sensitive friend has someone to go home with after the first couple of drinks.

5. Sensitives love invitations to get food, catch up with drinks, go shopping, and pretty much everything. But not gym invitations! Trying to have a conversation while sweating and breathing hard is too much! Exercise can be really helpful for sensitives, but only if it's a solitary activity. Maybe the underdog you played soccer with was an HSP? The demands of keeping up with a team, may have been too strenuous. Especially if they knew that their teammates were constantly watching them.

6. Don't worry if they are zoning out in crowds, or if they suddenly become really quiet. Sensitive people have a lot to process in crazy places, and will resort to whatever will relax them at moments notice. No they aren't trying to be boring, no they aren't bored,nor are they upset. They just need a moment of peace. Just let them be quiet!

7. Yes, they stare into space. No, they aren't trying to be rude! With so much going on this moment of concentration, thinking, and stillness can help them recuperate for a few. Just let them do so for a couple minutes, and they will resume to reality. It's important not to push them around, because that overwhelms them.

8. Take criticism from them as a compliment. Highly sensitive people are born with a really acute awarenesses to detail. So they will be very likely to point out something that needs to be improved. Listening to their advice will most likely produce the best outcome when cooking a nice meal, or when shooting a still ­life image.

9. It's normal for them to disappear for a few days. Sensitives need time to enjoy their own inner lives. They might be really fun to hang out with, and may host a really fun party here and there. Afterwards, they'll resort to a few days with very little human interaction. It's fine if they do, and it's necessary. If they say no to a really fun plan, it just may be that they are enjoying one of their quiet days.

10. Be honest about how you are feeling. Don't tell them that you are 'good' if you actually feel otherwise. They will be much happier if you just told them that you are angry about family issues. If you try to cover up in front of a sensitive person they'll sense that you aren't being truthful. Which will cause them to be very overwhelmed and distracted during your lunch date with them. Simply because they will spend each second of the hour trying to figure out what's wrong.

11. Resist thorny political arguments. The issues facing the world, are likely to be a major concern and worry for sensitives. If your friend is an HSP, then ask them first what their political stances are, and learn if the two of you agree. If you do then its okay to talk about politics. But if not, do not try to convince your pro­life sensitive that abortions are okay. That will leave them feeling offended, and they might get cooked up thereafter.

12. On that note, don't argue about religion either! Most sensitive people believe that they have the correct answers to, "how, and why am I here?" If they do believe in God, they will be very committed to following God's plan for them. If they are an Atheist, they will be very passionate about being "Godless." It's okay, let them be who they are, and believe what they believe. Having to think about something they don't believe in can be a very painful thought for a sensitive to have.

13. They are very good at listening. So you should do the same. When they have something to say, just sit and listen. Don't try to offer immediate advice, don't interrupt, and don't act like you've got somewhere to be. Everyone wants to be a good friend, and they'll know that you aren't by not listening.

14. They need to be the one to plan their own day. Some will be more rigid about today's plan, and other HSP's will just 'play by ear.' Do not try to tell them they need to do more everyday, or that they need to slow down their lives and relax.

15. Sensitive people are very observant, and are not judgmental in the slightest. Let them make observations. This is how they make sense of the world around them. Sometimes it's easier for them to let go of what others think of them, and to think of those around them. They may love to read articles about certain groups of people online, and it's necessary for them. They need answers to their curiosity. Especially since they are so in tune with other peoples emotions.

16. They aren't always your drinking buddy. So it's best to find art shows, movies, casual restaurants, coffee shops, or at ­home activities to do with them. Your HSP will love to sit and sip tea, and have a long conversation. Just make sure you choose a topic that is of interest to them.

17. Don't blare music they don't like. If your sensitive friend hates country music… they hate country music. Instead plan on playing some Blink 182 if the two of you both enjoy that kind of music. They will learn to like country on their own time, not your time.

18. If you live with them try to clean up after your messes. Messy environments are irritating for even non­sensitive people. So imagine how much they drive the Highly Sensitive Person insane.

19. If you work with them, don't try to chat with them while they are really focused on a project. These people focus best when they are in tune with their own thoughts. Instead give a warning that you would like to discuss the project with them at some point in the day.

20. Understand if they take something personally, and learn from what you said or did. Telling them not to take things personally will affect them even more. They are very emotionally aware.

21. Let them take time off once in a while if you manage them. They need to recharge more often than your average person does. TC mark

15 Things You Need To Know About People Who Have Concealed Anxiety

Posted: 06 Oct 2016 03:00 PM PDT


1. They don't hide their anxiety, they hide their symptoms. To have concealed anxiety isn't to deny having it – only to do everything in your power to ensure other people don't see you struggle.

2. They have the most anxiety about having anxiety. Because they are not comfortable letting people see them in the throes of an irrational panic, the most anxiety-inducing idea is… whether or not they'll have anxiety at any given moment in time.

3. They come across as a paradoxical mix of outgoing but introverted, very social but rarely out. It is not that they are anti-social, just that they can only take being around others incrementally (which is mostly normal). Yet, on the surface, this may come across as confusing.

4. They make situations worse by trying to suppress their feelings about them. They are extremely uncomfortable with other people seeing them in pain, and they don't want to feel pitied or as though they are compromising anyone's time. Yet, they make things worse for themselves by suppressing, as it actually funnels a ton of energy into making the problem larger and more present than it already was.

5. They are often hyper-aware and highly intuitive. Anxiousness is an evolutionary function that essentially keeps us alive by making us aware of our surroundings and other people's motives. It's only uncomfortable when we don't know how to manage it effectively – the positive side is that it makes you hyper-conscious of what's going on around you.

6. Their deepest triggers are usually social situations. It's not that they feel anxious in an airplane, it's that they feel anxious in an airplane and are stuck around 50 other people. It's not that they will fail a test, but that they will fail a test and everyone in school will find out and think they are incompetent and their parents will be disappointed. It's not that they will lose love, but that they will lose love and nobody will ever love them again.

7. It is not always just a "panicked feeling" they have to hide. It can also be a tendency to worry, catastrophizing, etc. The battle is often (always?) between competing thoughts in their minds.

8. They are deep thinkers, and great problem-solvers. One of the benefits of anxiety is that it leads you to considering every worst case scenario, and then subsequently, how to handle or respond to each.

9. They are almost always "self-regulating" their thoughts. They're talking themselves in, out, around, up or down from something or another very often, and increasingly so in public places.

10. They don't trust easily, but they will convince you that they do. They want to make the people around them feel loved and accepted as it eases their anxiety in a way.

11. They tend to desire control in other areas of their lives. They're over-workers or are manically particular about how they dress or can't really seem to let go of relationships if it wasn't their idea to end them.

12. They have all-or-nothing personalities, which is what creates the anxiety. Despite being so extreme, they are highly indecisive. They try to "figure out" whether or not something is right before they actually try to do it.

13. They assume they are disliked. While this is often stressful, it often keeps them humble and grounded at the same time.

14. They are very driven (they care about the outcome of things). They are in equal proportions as in control of their lives as they feel out of control of their lives – this is because they so frequently try to compensate for fear of the unknown.

15. They are very smart, but doubt it. A high intelligence is linked to increased anxiety (and being doubtful of one's mental capacity are linked to both). TC mark

Read This If You’re Worried That You’ll Never Find ‘The One’

Posted: 06 Oct 2016 02:30 PM PDT


Imagine something crazy for me, quickly.

What if you peered into a fortune ball right now – this very second, today – and saw with indisputable clarity that you were never going to meet the love of your life?

That's a sad thing that I'm asking you to think of, I'm aware. You've been hoping to meet "The One" for a while now – or at least someone half-decent who you can deal with for the rest of your life. I know, I know. You're not fanciful like everyone else. You don't believe in soul mates. But you were expecting to meet someone you liked a fair amount. Someone to curl up next to at the end of a long day, who would take care of you when you got sick and listen to your stories every evening after work. We all hope that. We're human.

But imagine for a second that you knew – with 100% certainty – that you were never going to meet that person. What about your life would that knowledge change?

Because here's the thing about finding love – it affects us constantly. And we all loathe admitting it. But love is on the forefront of our actions even when it's not on the forefront of our minds. It's the reason you bought those new jeans last week. It's the reason you went to that barbeque that you didn't want to go to last weekend. It's the reason you sometimes feel cripplingly insecure and inadequate and scared about everything that's coming next. Love's what inspires most of your greatest changes.


23 Things Your Best Friend Does To Get You Through Tough Times (That No One Else Would Even Think Of)

Posted: 06 Oct 2016 02:01 PM PDT


1. They're on your side no matter what. Even if you're flat-out wrong, they will happily defend you until the end.

2. Seriously, they will take a punch in the face for you if it comes to that.

3. When you're going through a breakup, they're masterful at pinpointing every single one of your ex's flaws so you can stop mourning that waste of a relationship already.


4. They're your eyes and ears—your very own CIA special operative—always on the hunt for critical information that might make you feel better about life, like a play-by-play of that embarrassing thing your nemesis just did.

5. They let you vent and scream about anything without judgment, and without offering any annoying, unsolicited advice, understanding that sometimes you just need to let it all out.

6. They're not afraid to be brutally honest, and they have a sixth sense for figuring out exactly when you need a hefty helping of the capital T Truth.


7. When you're on the verge of a personal crisis, they can actually smell it. They will text you right as you're about to breakdown and invite themselves over to hang out just in time.

8. When all you want is to sit and veg, they'll binge watch any show you want, even if they've already seen every episode of whatever you're set on watching.

9. They've mentally noted all your go-to comfort foods and will pick up one of each on their way over when you're in the midst of a tough week.


10. Even if they have work the next day, they will stay up until the wee hours listening to you talk, unfiltered, about everything that’s running through your mind.

11. And they won’t make fun of you or try to rationalize whatever's bugging you. They know you’re crazy—please, you know you’re crazy—but they also know it makes you feel better to get it all out.

12. They will get stupidly drunk with you on any day of the week in the name of helping you cope with whatever's going on.

13. When they're around, it's like taking a mini mental vacation from whatever disaster is unfolding. They don’t make you feel tense or weird or uncomfortable—ever.

14. They actually love your shortcomings. This rare specimen of a person not only tolerates, but embraces your flaws, like a proper soul mate should.


15. In fact, they find humor in your insecurities, and their capacity to make you laugh can break apart any metaphorical dark cloud that settles over you.

16. Your best friend is a hero armed with the super power to transform any depressing situation into something lighthearted and funny just by putting their special spin on things.

17. Alternatively, they will literally force you to smile, even if it means tackling you to the ground and tickling you, or starting an impromptu pillow fight.

18. They never flinch at your panicked triple texts. Or quadruple texts. Or that thing you sometimes do when instead of sending one long text with all the information, you blow up their phone with 372 short bursts of frustrations and various knife emojis.

19. They'll drop everything and anything if you need them to. At a moment's notice, they will call in sick and play hooky if the situation call's for it.

20. They will creep really hard on social media in your honor. They will find out who Mark was texting when he was on that date with you and stalk her until you're no longer threatened.

21. They believe in you during the times when you forget to believe in yourself.


22. A friend might send their condolences, but a best friend will physically be there next to you, riding it out, the Issa to your Molly.

23. They will proactively tell you how awesome you are over and over, making it impossible not to feel that way, even when it seems like the world is against you. TC mark

Insecure premieres Oct. 9 at 10:30PM on HBO. Special advance premiere now streaming on HBO NOW.


A Self-Love Letter To Myself

Posted: 06 Oct 2016 01:00 PM PDT

averie woodard
averie woodard

To start off with, I am so proud of you. Life hasn't been too easy on you lately, and I am truly sorry about that. But despite it all, you have managed to keep your head up and continue fighting throughout.

Be proud of everything you have gone through, and mostly, what you've become.

Stop being so hard on yourself. Everything will make sense to you one day. All the pain, hurt, and frustration will become worth it. Remember, everything happens for a particular reason. You are in the exact place you are meant to be right now. So breathe, be patient, and trust the course of your life. Let go of all the expectations you have created in your head. Accept reality as it comes. Accept life for what it is.

Don't take everything so personally and try to not let others get you down. Most of the time, things have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the other person. When people hurt you, try and understand their side of the story. Forgive them. Learn from their wrongdoings, and then let it remain in the past. Not everything is always how it appears.

<h2You are perfect in every way, especially with your flaws. Accept the things that make you different, while embracing everything that makes you unique.

Even though you think you are broken, there is so much beauty in your pain. Also, you're really not as broken as you think you are. You are stronger than anything that has tried to tear you down. You are a survivor, not a victim. So with that, try not to be so hard on yourself, we both know you're doing the best you can.

Create a meaningful life for yourself that you can be proud of. Promise me, you will make the most of it all. Never let anyone get in the way of your goals in life. More importantly, never give up on your passions and your dreams. Do not waste your time on people who do not believe in you. You don't need anyone like that in your life. Only surround yourself with people who encourage and inspire you.

You deserve the world and even a little more. You are smart. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are everything. You are all.

Try not to rely too much on others for your happiness.

At the end of the day, all you are guaranteed is yourself, never forget this.

Stop worrying so much about stupid boys. There is so much more to you than being someone else's girlfriend or wife. Frankly, there is so much more to life than a guy. Be patient, and stay positive, while waiting for love. Just because you have not found it yet, does not mean you don't deserve to be loved.

You must learn to completely love yourself, before you even try to love another.

Help others. Be a good friend and make sure to be kind of your family. Be selfless, not selfish. Love like you never seen pain before. And if you do not find the strength to do so, just make sure you find enough love for yourself.

You are so strong my dear. You have been through a lot and come out on the winning end. The world has tried to break you, but you never let it. Thank your past, for it has made you into a better person today.

Not everyone you have meet is meant to stay around forever. People will leave you. On the contrary, you will also leave others. People will disappoint you, and all you can do is learn to appreciate them for what they have taught you. Thank the people who have stayed. Fill the spaces of the ones who have gone.

More importantly, gracefully let go of the things and people that are not meant for you. Accept things the way they are.

Thank you for never giving up and being so tough. You inspire others and you lift them up. Stay strong. Stand up tall. Be more beautiful than ever. Make them wonder how you do it.

You know you deserve the world, now go get it. TC mark

The Real Reason Why He Hasn’t Been Texting You

Posted: 06 Oct 2016 12:00 PM PDT

Unsplash, Steinar La Engeland
Unsplash, Steinar La Engeland

No matter how packed his schedule is, there’s always a little wiggle room. If he has the time for a bathroom break or a snack break, then he has the time to shoot you a two-second text. So, the reason he’s been radio silent isn’t because he’s been busy. It isn’t because he needs to focus on his work. It isn’t because he’s a bad texter.

But it isn’t because you’re unattractive or annoying, either. It isn’t because you texted him too many times in a row or initiated the conversation every single time. It isn’t because you seemed too clingy or too desperate. It isn’t because you were being you.

In fact, it has nothing to do with your personality. It has to do with his. He’s not ready for a woman like you to become a permanent part of his life. He’s not ready to dedicate chunks of his time to texting you, let alone taking you out on dates and spending the night.

Do you actually want a guy who can’t press a few buttons on his phone just to put a smile on your face? If he isn’t willing to text you, do you really think he’s going to put in the effort to buy you flowers or find the perfect date spot? No way. Those things won’t even cross his mind.

So don’t clutter up your mind with internal debates, trying to figure out what the appropriate amount of time is to wait before you text him again. The answer is simple: Don’t text him. Don’t do it.

And stop staring at your phone, waiting for his name (and the heart emojis that go with it) to pop up. If he’s not texting you, he’s not thinking about you. And if he’s not thinking about you, then he’s not interested in dating you. Not seriously, anyway.

Even if he is texting you, occasionally isn’t enough. Messaging you at two in the morning to see if you’re still awake is a clear indication that he’s only looking for sex. Either that or he’s completely wasted. But it doesn’t really matter whether he’s drunk or horny, because you don’t need a guy who waits until the dead of night to contact you.

You need a guy who thinks of you when he wakes up in the morning, when he’s out with his friends, when he smells a certain perfume. If beer is the only thing that brings you to the front of his mind, he’s clearly not the one for you.

If he rarely texts you, and if the texts he does send feel fake and forced, then there’s no reason for you to make plans to see him in person. If you can’t hold a conversation over the phone, where it’s easier to relax and think through what you’re going to say, then you’ll probably clash in person.

Wait until you find someone you have chemistry with, over the phone and face-to-face. Even better, someone who makes an effort over the phone and face-to-face. TC mark

8 Psychologists Describe What It’s Like To Treat A Sociopath

Posted: 06 Oct 2016 11:00 AM PDT

Flickr ARendle
Flickr ARendle
Found on AskReddit.

1. He was the creepiest person I ever met.

"I’m an addictions counselor and I treated a guy in his 50’s who was a professional musician and sold heroin to kids in their early 20’s. He sold heroin to people who died of overdoses and had zero remorse. He was the creepiest person I ever met. So long as I was neutral with him he was OK but when I confronted him with a positive toxicology he became very angry because I did not accept his denial. He threatened me by saying I better not run into him in the street. I told him that was it, get out, I’m not working with him. He left and I never saw him again. I believe sociopathy is an absolute need for control."


2. I’ve worked with two people that I would say were sociopaths, one a serial granny rapist and the second a murderer who had killed three people.

"I’m a psychologist who used to work in maximum security men’s prisons. I’ve worked with two people that I would say were sociopaths, one a serial granny rapist and the second a murderer who had killed three people. The thing that I found most interesting was that they both had similar fantasies. One’s fantasy was that he lived in a spaceship orbiting the earth and that all humans on Earth had died. The other’s was that all the humans on Earth had died leaving only him and the animals. I found this so interesting I thought to check their prison record to see if they had ever had contact. They had never been in the same prison or on the same wing. One had spent his whole sentence in maximum security/maximum protection which meant that they did not mix with other prisoners. Probably useful to note that this was in Australia where solitary confinement is not used as extensively as in, for example, the US. Why I believe they merited a diagnosis of sociopathy, neither showed any sign of remorse or empathy for their victims. They both justified their actions by variously ‘they deserved it’ or it wasn’t my fault I was treated badly by others, nothing to do with me they shouldn’t have been where they were, etc. On the same subject one of the nicest guys I worked with was in for his second murder sentence. His first murder was his girlfriend who he then wrapped in plastic and slept with for some time before being discovered. The second was a taxi driver he stabbed with a carving knife. He was a paranoid schizophrenic. While on his meds the nicest, gentlest guy you could meet. Off his meds a whole other story.

And yes sociopathy is essentially untreatable. These guys were referred primarily as they were a management issues for prison authorities—essentially so they had some assistance but there was never an expectation that the work we did together could ‘cure’ them.


3. Something about him just felt off to me. No one agreed with me."

"A child molester.

He had the whole ward eating out of his palm and thinking that he was being unfairly harassed by the police. He befriended several young (18, 19) males on the unit and took them under his wing. We didn’t know what he was being accused of, just that the police absolutely insisted he be released directly into their custody. This isn’t entirely unusual, it’s happened before, but this was a big, big deal.

It was on the news that night. He was being charged with a laundry list of charges, mostly males 13-16, but the first victim to come forward was 11. I don’t recall the final count of kids he was accused of raping.

I guessed it after a week of treating him. Something about him just felt off to me. No one agreed with me."


4. I only almost shit my pants once.

"TL;DR: My very first therapy client as a graduate student was psychopathic, and I only almost shit my pants once….

I’m currently a clinical psychology doctorate student. In my program (which I assume is structured very similarly to other accredited doctorate programs in the states), the second semester of our first year we are given one client that comes in for an ADA assessment, typically geared toward assessing for learning disorders or ADHD. After the first year of grad school, we’re given the go-ahead to begin seeing therapy clients, as opposed to simply seeing clients for assessment. And thus, this is where the story begins.

Each semester (summer included), students are assigned to different practicum teams that are supervised by licensed psychologists. Each team specializes in certain types of cases, and the team I was on treated a wide breadth of presenting concerns for adults. There was one client that we talked about that was of particular interest to myself, even though it sounded slightly challenging, and I decided to grab the call sheet and claim this individual as my very first therapy client, which would include a full diagnostic assessment as this person’s primary goal in coming to the clinic was for diagnostic clarification.

So, as I sat in the clinic’s lab waiting for this person to arrive, I finally get the call from the front desk telling me that my VERY FIRST therapy client had arrived on time and was filling out paperwork/questionnaires related to levels of depression, anxiety, and general psychological distress, as was standard for this particular practicum team/supervisor. Once I got back to the waiting room to call this person up and as we walk to the therapy room, I’m simultaneously excited, apprehensive, nervous, and somewhat intimidated by this monster of a person. I’m not a small person by any stretch, but JESUS CHRIST this was a large human being.

Keep in mind, I’ve been told by someone that had already seen this person that panic attacks were a symptom, and the thought of having to ground this person and prevent them from passing out was somewhat terrifying. As luck would have it, as we walk down the hall, my client stated (with very shifty and unnerving eyes), ‘I’m about to have an anxiety attack.’ All I could think was ‘GODDAMMIT, seriously? My first fucking client is about to have a panic attack DURING MY FIRST GODDAMN SESSION!’ As we sat down in the room with a mound of paperwork to go over before beginning, luck was sent my way as this person’s exponentially elevating somatic symptoms were alleviated, very clearly, through the placebo effect of the pharmaceuticals thrown haphazardly into this person’s mouth (there was an immediate observed quiescence, when my knowledge of the pills taken says they take ~30-45 minutes before the drug does its “magic”). Thank God for the power of the mind.

As we began the intake interview, there was something unnerving about sitting in a room, one-on-one, with this individual. There was clearly an element of distrust, which I can understand—who wants to immediately trust a stranger with all of the intimate details of their likely complex past? It was beyond this though; this person was clearly what I can only describe as ‘removed.’ Before seeing this person, our team of graduate students and our supervisor decided to put together a list of potential diagnoses, based off of the reports gathered from his previous counselor as well as this person’s description of their presenting concerns.

We came up with the following: Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD; there was noted hypersensitivity to external stimuli and somewhat dysfunctional interpersonal skills), Panic Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder. In seeing this person, I could get in line with looking further into Panic Disorder and MDD, but ASD just didn’t seem plausible. Yes, there was difficulty with eye contact, but it was due to apparent hyper vigilance and a constant shifting of their eyes from the door to the window and occasionally back to me, which made me think there was something trauma-related. Yes, this person’s social skills weren’t fully developed in this context, but it seemed to be due to learning and past experiences, there was coldness, anger, insensitivity, and a ‘fuck you’ attitude I received when prodding for specific details (this wasn’t constant, over the sessions we built what might be called rapport).

My brain began thinking PTSD as well as the potentiality for a personality disorder. Sitting in this room was uncomfortable. I’m a very approachable and understanding person, and I’ve never had an issue in building a relationship with a stranger, and I’ve seen enough clients now that I know my ability to build rapport with a client has not simply become astoundingly better from experience, but because of how I am as a person.

All the while, I knew there would never be a real connection with this client, no matter what I did. Given the apparent complexity of the case and the necessity to be thorough in providing a diagnosis, my supervisor and I agreed that the diagnostic/evaluation phase of seeing this client would likely take several two-hour sessions, so long as this person agreed to the extended sessions. Our diagnostic impressions shifted to the following based on my own observations as well as a series of self-reports: Posttraumatic-Stress Disorder, Schizotypal Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic Disorder, and MDD.

I ended up spending about 12 hours with this client for evaluation, with a couple of sessions extending past 2 hours. Each session was exhausting, like pulling teeth. One of the weirdest aspects of our therapeutic relationship was that at the beginning of each session, it was as if we had never even met each other. The first 30 minutes of every session was spent trying to rebuild the trust acquired in the previous session. I had to curse in session, appease, pander to, and be exceptionally patient for the client to begin to open up about their experiences. Fortunately, in those 12 hours together, I was able to acquire a significant amount of information, so buckle up. I’m going to try to remain vague with some of these details so as to prevent this person from determining, in the event they saw this, that I am who they were seeing.

Here’s a brief rundown of this individual’s experiences, as I feel this has already become too lengthy: molested at an early, but fully salient age, caught engaging in sexual touching with a younger individual when the client was still a minor, completely broken home with an alcoholic for a father and a trauma-ridden mother, frequent moves state-to-state and city-to-city (e.g., California, Washington, Maine, Colorado, you name it), repeated and violent fighting between a sibling, severe conduct disorder in the aforementioned sibling, convicted sex offender as a result of the aforementioned touching, time in juvenile detention, frequent theft and manipulation of family members as a teenager, wildly successful in the client’s chosen field at quite an early age and would spend all of the earnings very quickly, extremely impulsive behavior, began selling and moving drugs as a young adult In Colorado, made a significant name for himself in the drug world, recruited by big names in the illicit drug industry across state lines, alluded to a no-nonsense way of conducting business, alluded to multiple deaths occurring in his presence but never claimed direct responsibility, physical violence very frequently with others that often resulted in the opponent’s hospitalization (like I said, this was a big, intimidating person), run-ins with undercover police officers, frequent superficial romantic relationships that seemed to function only as a gratification of a desire for sex, severely lacked any element of conscientiousness, once earned an objectively sizable salary, only a recent comeuppance of panic attacks, moves from place to place extremely often, tumultuous relationships with everyone around the client with the exception of those that were childhood friends, difficulty with succeeding in an academic setting, constantly experienced loss throughout their life, often wondered why everything was falling apart, you get the picture.

Once the evaluation was all said and done, and I had spoken with a family member to corroborate stories for accuracy, additional details, and to rule out something like Paranoid Personality Disorder, my supervisor and I agreed upon a diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder. Keep in mind, any mental health diagnosis (with the exception of, say, Schizophrenia) provided is not an indicator of something someone ‘has,’ per se. The DSM if full of reified constructs, arbitrarily categorized descriptions of behavior that have been defined by man and not medicine. An ASPD diagnosis does not indicate that an individual ‘has’ psychopathy, but that their pattern of behaviors over an extended period of time and beginning in adolescence or sooner is described as ASPD. There is no biological marker for psychopathy, nor is there a chemical imbalance, or a diagnostically distinct difference in brain activity for those diagnosed with ASPD, or any other disorder for that matter.

Alas, once the evaluation was complete, so began the writing of the report. Report writing in a clinical setting isn't always incredibly enjoyable (especially when writing up WAIS or WJ scores, that is, IQ and achievement testing), but with the lengthy interviews and the assessments we gave my client, writing this report was exceptionally enjoyable, coming from a naïve and green grad student. While writing this report, which took several days considering my client-load at the time, I would try to contact the client in question to schedule a feedback session. This client was notorious for neglecting to answer the phone, and often only showed up to session because each new session was scheduled immediately following the end of each session.

As such, I called my violent, unpredictable, and unnerving client upwards of 6 times to schedule this godforsaken session where I have to tell someone they're being diagnosed with psychopathy. Each time I left a message but to no avail.

And so, at the very moment I'm organizing the report and putting on the finishing touches, I get a call while in the clinic's lab that a client of mine had shown up and wanted to speak with me. This day was, for all intents and purposes, my ‘day off.’ I had no clients scheduled and had devoted the day to report writing, and was donning the traditional ‘I don't give a fuck what I look like’ garb, i.e., gym shorts, T-shirt, backwards hat, and socks that were just too long unless you're a 14-year-old wannabe ‘baller.’ In short, I was told that the client in question was ‘irate.’ How fun.

As luck would have it, as soon as I made my appearance at the front desk I was greeted with significant hostility. Accusations were thrown, demands were made, and violence was in the air. In knowing what I knew about this person and how they react to intense anger, I was…uneasy.

Further, trying to de-escalate who is defined by their impulsiveness, irrationality, and lack of foresight, is virtually impossible, especially given my inexperience in general, but also my distinct lack of experience with a psychopathic client population. The exchange was disturbing and I felt somewhat scared for my safety. It ended with the client storming off with an implied ‘fuck you’ and a threat to commit suicide. What initiated this, you ask? Evidently I had written this client off and never intended on scheduling a feedback session.

Fortunately (unfortunately), a suicide threat is common among those with ASPD and Borderline as a method of manipulation. Unfortunately, I still have to take these instances very seriously and it resulted in long talks with a supervisor and determining the correct course of action. Lucky for all parties involved, everything ended up panning out quite nicely. The client ended up agreeing to meet, our differences were resolved, and all of the appropriate therapeutic recommendations were provided without a hitch. As it turns out, being nervous to provide a diagnosis of ASPD to someone due to unpredictability in how they might react tends to be unfounded. Psychopaths tend not to care much about anyone but themselves, and following the discussion of what the diagnosis was and what it meant, the response was ‘that makes sense.’ I guess it would follow that someone who doesn't care about much of anything probably wouldn't care so much about the connotations society has attached to psychopathy, so go figure. Fortunately, many of the symptoms of ASPD tend to decrease over time, especially once the individual hits their 40s. And there's the story of my first client as a graduate student, and I'll carry that shit with me forever."


5. To me he was a fuck who had seen a lot of trauma and took it out on women.

"As far as my experience as a therapist has taken me, I don’t truly believe that there is such a thing as a sociopath. At least, we don’t have the neuroscience yet to be sure that someone evidencing affective blunting or some other apparent lack of emotional interpersonal skills is ‘born that way,’ as they say.

In my clinical experience in an acute psychiatric ward, I met a man who was incredibly intelligent and also diagnosed with schizophrenia, residual (influenced by heavy drug use, we suspect). He was waiting on a p court hold with a history of domestic violence charges. When I met him he had just been re-committed after escaping from the facility to Europe (he had leveraged much of what he needed to do so from women in his life).

When I met him he tried to be exactly what I wanted in a patient. He was insightful and wise when answering abstract questions, helpful in groups, a talented musician, and curious about my life. He would even offer information that made him appear vulnerable and honest. I at first liked him for what he did for the other patients but then I asked him about something he said in passing (more on accident as opposed to the carefully constructed dialogue that was custom) and probed a bit. He was unprepared for it and became defensive. Later I attempted to confront him about his treatment and that the only way to really move forward was to stop the act, in more or less words.

From there he tried to upset me daily by using the little bits he knew about me, ultimately turning violent in frustration and then becoming a simmering malicious silent presence from there on out in groups. I just treated him as any other patient and I think that pissed him off. I didn’t buy into him being special and brilliant. To me he was a fuck who had seen a lot of trauma and took it out on women.

On a side note, I look at a lot of psychology and philosophy in my spare time and the first thing I thought of when I was working with him is that he resembles Machiavellianism. Smart and skilled with the perception of others’ emotions but seriously emotionally buried on a personal level and willing to use this skill to manipulate.

Anyway, that’s my two cents. He was just a guy with a lot of shit in his past. Unfortunately, there are a lot of those running around."


6. It was as if his poor behavior lacked any ulterior motive or craftiness at all. Just be mean because you can.

"I used to work in an independent living facility. We had a client who was diagnosed as being a sociopath. He was a young man, early 20s. He was capable of working and regularly went to his job at a garage or tire shop or something like that, which was owned by his family. No idea if he actually worked when he was there (or even if he really went there), but he said he liked his job. He was horrible to live with, though. He refused to do any of the housekeeping and would put his dirty dishes under his bed. His room was a mess. He didn’t care how it made his roommates feel. He had no respect for their property and would take whatever he wanted. There was no incentive we could give him that would make him want to clean up after himself or participate in any of the activities or otherwise behave as a decent citizen. He was cruel to housemates although he didn’t physically harm anyone as far as I can remember. He was basically a lot like others there who were diagnosed borderline personality disorder except without the ability or desire to manipulate. It was as if his poor behavior lacked any ulterior motive or craftiness at all. Just be mean because you can. Just take stuff because it’s there. Do/don’t do/break/destroy/take/hurt whatever you feel like for no reason.

Since he behaved so badly we eventually got him out of our program because we weren’t set up to handle that sort of thing.


7. They see things very rationally and often have higher than average vocabulary skills.

"I worked with psychopaths. They see things very rationally and often have higher than average vocabulary skills. My guess is that their left hemisphere for language & logical thinking is very active while their right hemisphere for emotions and empathy is less active. Nonetheless, their emotions seem to be very low intensity and have a hard time actually feeling anything other people feel. They have to understand things from a more rational and practical point of view."


8. There was never sincere regret or remorse shown regarding their actions.

"I worked in a school with a teenage individual who the entire staff eventually agreed showed extreme sociopathic tendencies. Here’s a brief list of things they had done over the two months I was there before they were expelled:

• Thrown baseball-sized rocks at other students. (Provoked by other students telling the individual that they didn’t want the student to join them outside during free time)

• Intentionally farted on an autistic student, who consistently responded with semi-violent, self-harming outbursts. (Unprovoked)

• Broke another student’s nose by pushing back in their chair to slide backwards into another student who was picking up food they had dropped. (Unprovoked)

• Stabbed another 8-year-old student’s toy drum with a pencil. (Unprovoked)

• Pinched our therapy dog’s ear, paw, skin until she yelped. (unprovoked and repeated until he was no longer allowed around the dog)

• Flipped off other students and staff. (usually provoked by consequences for his other actions)

• Consistently watched videos on the topic of death and execution during free time.

• Very oppositional in therapy and denied any fault of their own.

• At times when more serious meetings were held with the individual and parents, the student would always finish the meeting by saying things like, ‘thank you for talking about this with me,’ ‘I know you’re trying to help,’ and ‘I’ll do better’ in the most flat tone with 0 emotional affect.

• The final day the student was at school, they repeatedly broke small rules and tested limits after he knew that another mistake meant expulsion. Another student tattled that they were making faces at staff when they enforced/reminded the student of a rule. The individuals response was, “I want to cut open your chest, rip out your heart, cook it over an open flame, and feed it to my dog.”

• In all of these circumstances, there was never sincere regret or remorse shown regarding their actions.

It’s really a sad story because the parents were great and so desperate to find help for their child. Unfortunately, the student’s enrollment was a major safety risk for the other students and we did not have the staff to provide the student with the assistance and supervision they needed."

Wolfshirt_Wednesday TC mark