Thought Catalog

6 Guys Reveal Exactly What They’ve Said To Get A Girl In Bed

Posted: 09 Nov 2016 08:00 PM PST

Noah Kalina
Noah Kalina


“I told her that she had nice pants and I started asking her about clothes. We finished a pitcher of beer together and then we kept ordering shots. As soon as I brought up shoes, she was down.”

— Mark, 38


“I kept asking her about her family. I was genuinely interested, I didn’t think I was being “the nice guy.” She said she wasn’t used to guys asking her about personal things like that so she wanted to thank me. That is literally what she said as she was unbuttoning her shirt.”

— Chris, 26


“I didn’t have to say much. It was all in my fingertips. It was at a wedding and we started dancing together, then when we sat down to get some water, my fingers and her thighs started to make friends. And the rest is history.”

— Jake, 29


“I had met her a few times at work. Girls are into fantasy, they are visual, they like the stuff you see in movies. It wasn’t very hard to play the guy who didn’t know how to use the copy machine.”

— Griffin, 27


“We sat in a coffee shop talking about Star Wars for hours, I was kind of nerdy in college and you could tell she was too. Later that night I showed her my posters and other collection of magazines and stuff, and bam. Just like that. It happened.”

— William, 26


“I played the bad boy card. I acted disinterested, which made her more interested. Looking back now it was a f*** boy move, but I was in college and now she’s happily married so I don’t feel as bad. My friends and I went out and met up with her and her friends, I actually made out with her best friend and five minutes later she followed me upstairs.”

— Dylan, 30 TC mark

19 Guys Reveal Exactly How They Feel When Their Girl Won’t Have Sex With Them

Posted: 09 Nov 2016 07:00 PM PST

Elena Montemurro
Elena Montemurro


“Mother fucker it’s been not tonight for 3 months. Just tell me you’re not attracted to me so we can break up”

But really it’s only an issue if: Your libidos are very different and s/he isn’t in the mood nearly as frequently as you, or it’s been a good amount of time (like the example above) and there still hasn’t been an explanation.

— UnstableFlux


If it becomes a pattern, I feel unwanted and insecure. It’s a really shitty feeling.

— tenders11


For me, it was a sign to work out and take better care of my personal hygiene. I think it’s easy to get complacent about those things when you’re in a relationship. When I started working out more, so did she. We both got better looking and had higher libidos as a result.

Not saying it’s a fix-all… if you’re with a girl who just doesn’t want to have sex anymore, it’s gotta be demoralizing. Sexual incompatibility is definitely a deal breaker for me–if it’s persistent.

— belarged


My girlfriends sex drive has gone down since she gained weight and I’m still in my prime and could have sex three times a day no problem but it’s more like once a week. I’m to the point where I just wait for her to make the move on me because getting rejected is just shitty. I jerk off a lot.

— hemptations


It can get so much worse. Really fucks with your self esteem and it’s at the point where it’s made me feel so shitty that I don’t want to do it anymore, even if she begged for it. Find out if it’s going to be a lifelong problem and jump ship if you can’t live like that.

— drinkthebleach


It makes me feel so unattractive and unwanted. It’s horrible. It was getting better but now we moved across the country again so we are exhausted from unpacking and getting settled again.

— deathwarmdover


My girlfriend and I almost broke up over this. Over a month of initiating and being rejected. I flat out sat her down and told her ” look, I’m a guy. That’s how it is. I want and like to have sex. If not with you , I will go somewhere else” we had sex that night and many nights after. I don’t know if this is the correct way to handle that situation, but I had to say it. I was ready to burst

— NIN-pig


I feel SUPER rejected. I respect it and am totally OK the morning after, but that heavy disappointment of the moment is pure pain :/

— comm_matthew_perry


I have a higher libido than she does so it does come up a bit. I’ve let her know that it makes me feel rejected, unattractive, and it isn’t great. So once it gets to a certain amount of time, I just rub one out and go about my business.

— TheDarkHorse83


It kind of depends. I definitely put more effort into our sex life than she does by miles but I also know I have a much higher sex drive than she does. Normally we’ll have sex a couple time a week, I could do more but I’m OK jerking off when I need to also. When her stress level is through the roof her libido sits in the basement. Sometimes it hurt and I feel like she’s not attracted to me but I know she is, she’s just not always horny like I am.

— j1akey


When she is on her “period” then fine.

But if she not, and keep rejecting me without solid reason then I feel disappointed.

What the point of the relationship then? just break up.

— seihanda


When my fiancĂ©e and I first started dating, we were getting it on several times a week and she was really flirty and touchy. Lately it’s the exact opposite. It’s been several months. I take care of myself several times a week, but she doesn’t do anything at all. I don’t know if it’s a medical thing or what, but overall I’m sexually frustrated and she gets mad when I try to bring up sex as a topic of discussion. I don’t know what to do at this point.

— DarthPiette


Depends on the period of time. A few days? Whatever.

A week? With no explanation? That’s going to set off an alarm.

— Coidzor


I doesn’t bother me cause I know I got a side chick to cover me.

— Masonjarteadrinker2


I’ve been with my girlfriend for a little over 2 years now. The longest we’ve gone without sex is a few months due to her getting knee surgery. Other than that, something like 2 weeks because we see each other 2 or 3 times a week (and her period was week 2).

Getting a “not tonight” is a perfectly fine answer. This is something I have had to drill into her head. She’s been sexually abused by an ex in the past, so I make sure that she never feels pressured to have sex.

I tend to be a little sexually aggressive, so what’s been up is that we have 2 kinds of “no” or “stop”. For example. The other day I was grabbing her all over. At first she was saying “no” and “stop” playfully, so I kept going. Then she said “no” in a deadpan voice, so I immediately stopped and apologised.

So all in all, I’m fine with it. I can always masturbate. But I will bring it up if it becomes a problem.

— smasters908


I went through this with my current GF. It is a massive blow to the confidence getting rejected by your own girlfriend. Gladly we ended up figuring stuff out and have a lot of sex now

— JewliusCaesar69


I went through this with an ex of mine. Talked about it all the time and it would get better for a little while and then drop off again. Made me feel like shit about myself due to the constant rejection. I still deal with feelings of inadequacy because of it.

— Andhareall


My relationship is pretty new. The few dry spells have been due to us not being able to hang for multiple days combined with her not feeling it the days we did.

It made me slightly frustrated. Was she play acting before when we first started and she was blowing me all the time, and grabbing my dick on a crowded train? Does she not like sex, when she I have the talk, and how long after that do I dump her?

Sometimes I’m just worried about her. Like maybe her libido is fucked up because she’s not healthy. Her sleep and diet are fucked, she’s thinking about one of her shitty exes.

— n00b_f00


I’ve never tolerated that. Sex is too important to me. Not down? Then I’m out.

— zherico TC mark

5 Ways To Rebuild Trust In A Relationship After Emotional Infidelity Has Occurred

Posted: 09 Nov 2016 06:30 PM PST


When you’re faced with an emotional infidelity, the natural reaction is to wonder if your relationship can be saved or not. While some don’t class emotional infidelity to be as serious as traditional infidelity, the fact remains that trust has been damaged.

And since trust is key element of healthy relationships, you will both need to examine if trust can be rebuilt or if this emotional infidelity is a prequel to more serious problems in the relationship.

The Natural Response to Emotional infidelity

On discovery of emotional infidelity, the people will naturally ask themselves:

  • If they leave, will they be sorry about not giving the relationship a chance?
  • If they stay, will they have to constantly worry about a possible re-occurrence of the emotional infidelity or worse?

The fact remains that emotional infidelity can be recovered from, but it depends on the willingness of both partners to work on things. The following 5 points need to be worked on:

  1. Communication: You will both need to discuss your thoughts on the relationship. Anything one of you feels is lacking in the relationship must be brought out into the open. In essence, what you’re doing here is trying to get to the root cause of the emotional infidelity. If you don’t get to this root cause, further emotional infidelity or physical infidelity might be on the cards down the line. Remember, if you want to solve a problem, you have to tackle exactly what’s causing the problem.
  2. Your health: Emotional infidelity can take a toll on your mental well-being. This in turn can affect your physical health. If you let the emotional infidelity affect you like this, you won’t have the full energy required to work on saving the relationship. Eat right, get exercise, get enough sleep and get out with friends for support.
  3. Commitment: Successful recovery from emotional infidelity requires an acknowledgement from your partner that they know what they did was wrong. Further more they need to be 100% committed to working on things with you. If this commitment isn’t forthcoming, anything you do to save the relationship will be in vain.
  4. Don’t keep a grudge: If you want the relationship to recover, you have to set the clock back to zero and work on taking things forward from there. It doesn’t mean you have to forget what your partner did, but rather means you shouldn’t be holding a grudge or thinking that you must even the score. If they have apologized and you’ve forgiven, then put the emotional infidelity in the past and focus your energy towards making the relationship a success.
  5. Relationship counseling: In cases of emotional infidelity, I recommend getting relationship counseling of some sort. You don’t have to spend money on long repeated visits but just enough so you know 2 key things: The exact reason(s) that caused the emotional infidelity and how you can remedy the situation. If they’re willing to go to it, relationship counseling also reveals if the individual is truly serious about the relationship or not. TC mark

An Open Letter To My Ex: 100 People Confess The Powerful, Heartbreaking Things They’ve Been Afraid To Say Until Now

Posted: 09 Nov 2016 06:00 PM PST

@jason_storer />
@jason_storer />
Found on AskReddit.


"When you begged me to come back to you….I should have."



"I cut your name into my arm with a knife when I found out that you were pregnant with another man's baby and I’ll kill myself if you ever find out."



"You’re both the best and the worst thing to ever happen to me. Also, I miss you."



"I think I was in love with you and wish I would’ve had the balls to say it."



"I've been extremely depressed since our relationship ended…I let you think I’m doing well even though I miss you."



"I wish that you hadn’t been my first love."



"Although you never came right out and said it, I know that you blame me for our daughter’s death. And that’s ok, because I do too."



"I forgive you, but you are so full of anger that I will never be able to stand you."



"You are the standard I set for hopeful others, and that’s why I’ve been single since."



"I now actively wish ill upon you (my definition of 'hate') because of the horrible way you treated me before, during, and after our breakup. And there’s only one other person in my entire life that I hate."



"You completely broke my confidence, made it extremely hard to have sex with anyone new for a few months, and you're a spoiled, pampered, woman who will never make it in the real world once daddy either passes away or cuts you off."



"You dumped me BC of the 'distance.' But what you don’t know is that I secretly applied and got accepted into your university. I was going to surprise you by mailing you my letter of acceptance, but I guess that’s out the window."



"I told your PO that you were using again and I’m the reason you spent time in jail."



"I lived with you for 5 years, met you through work. I loved you, you got a new job so we sold our house moved to a new state, I left my family and friends to be with you and within 3 months you left me. I still work with you in a massive company; my team was moved to the same floor as you now. You sit 50 feet away and all I want to tell you is I miss you and I love you, and mostly I’m sorry. It’s been 3 years since we broke up not a day goes by I don’t think about you, yet you're 50 feet away and I can’t even look in your direction."



"Your two baby girls are waiting for you back home, if not for me at least come back sometime for them."



"I honestly wish I had anything to say. I think I’ve said it all. I’m unhappy without you, we’re unhappy when we’re together."



"I’m seeking help because of you. You ruined my life, shattered my confidence, self-belief, and convictions. I don’t even recognize myself anymore because of you. Worst of all, I genuinely would feel indifferent if you just dropped down dead."



"You ruined me in more ways than one. And the saddest part is that you did nothing wrong. It was all me, all in my head. Oh how I wish I hadn’t gotten this because I ruined everything that could have been for us."



"I don’t usually hate people but you’re an exception, thanks for the PTSD, depression, anxiety, and countless other things. You’re a horrible person and you don’t deserve anything good in life. The only good that’s come out of all this is that even though I had to move away from my friends and family, I’ve finally got a job that I love, met someone who’s infinitely better than you ever will be, I’ve stopped all the bad stuff I was doing and my family are speaking to me and spending time with me again. It makes me really mad that you get to go on with your life and your actions haven’t affected you. You’re a horrible person and I hope that one day, someone will make you feel like you’ve made me feel."



"I still love you. I should have moved across the country with you, I was just scared and I’ve never stopped regretting it. I still hope I’ll run into you again someday and we’ll finally get to live the happily ever after we could have."



"Please get help. You’re an alcoholic, and you need it. Even your own brother hasn’t loved you in years, and while I didn’t either, I’m willing enough to honor the time we spent together to ask you to get help."



"Thanks for teaching me the signs of emotional abuse. The hard way."



"You’ll never understand how damaging you were to my mental health. I truly, sincerely hope you’re never happy."



"I miss the dog more."



"You used me for my money and as a way to get cheap accommodation. But I thank you for putting me on the path to meeting my current girlfriend. She is the love of my life and makes me happier than you, or any other girlfriend ever has."



"I hate how it all went down. i’m sorry if i hurt you on the way. i still think about you from time to time and remember the great times we’ve had. i hope you are doing well and you are’s been quite some time since we saw each other and i don’t know how you think about me and our time. just hoping that you are ok and living a great life :)"



"I hope you’re happy, honestly. I’m glad we knew each other, it enriched my life."



"I'm glad you got fat as hell."



"Thanks for letting me go in raw. That was nice of you."



"I thought I was the one that fucked up. Now that a few years have passed, I can see exactly what tricks you pulled and how it made me seem like the bad person because you were too cowardly to let me know what you thought."



"I throw away most of your mail."



"I’m sorry for being such a self-righteous prick."



"You told me at the start of the relationship that you were 'lucky you found a smart girl' and that you 'had to be careful because you had a strong and independent girl now.' I didn’t change, so why did you?"



"I’m torn on this. I wish I would have never met you, let alone married you. However, that series of events led me down a long chain reaction of events through a horrible addiction and into sobriety. This has made me who I am today. I despise you and the pain you caused me but had I not, my life would be completely different."



"The more I think about you, the more I understand how sick you were."



"When I loved you, you were always on my mind. When I hated you, you were always on my mind. When I finally became apathetic towards you, I found myself and moved on. Oh, and when I loved and hated you at the same time? That was jealousy. Thanks for helping me figure all that out."



"I honestly loved you so much I would have followed you back to your country. What you did to me completely redirected my life. I was ready to settle down and build a life but now I want to run. So thanks for reminding me that I’m awesome by myself."



"You’re the reason I’m not depressed anymore."



"I hope you fail your thesis again. Your writing sucks."



"I miss your parents more than I’ll ever miss you. They were so good to me."



"Please give me a second chance. :("



"Thank you for ending it: you had the courage to say we were both unhappy and it made me look at my issues and work on them."



"I am in the most perfect relationship ever right now with the most wonderful girl and I am trying my hardest not to fuck it up but the damage you did to my confidence is making that real fucking hard. She could be smiling and laughing and my head would still be going, 'Is she really happy or misleading you?' And the cherry on top of the cake. You knew my biggest dream in life is to be married and have kids and you tell me I wouldn’t make a good husband or dad. Thanks for that. Definitely hasn’t been weighing on me."



"I would do it all again."



"I’m sorry for loving you but not fully trusting you. I made a mistake and admitted to it, then immediately began working on ensuring that never happens again. I’m fucked-up and have trust issues. But I’m spending time, energy, and money on fixing myself.

You’ve had a fucked-up life, and I’m sorry you’ve been through the things you’ve been through. You deserve to be happy, but you can’t keep running away from your problems. Shit happens. No one is perfect, and you are a fucking coward for running the second we faced a challenge.

I love you, and I know you love me. I hope you realize this is a mistake. If not, I truly do hope you find happiness. You are still my best friend and I miss you every single day."



"As much as I regret dating you, if given the opportunity I wouldn’t change anything. Because of the way you treated me, because of your gas-lighting, manipulation, cruelty and lies I chose to be stronger. To be better. I will NEVER let you or anyone else control me again.

I am now a wife to an amazing husband, who I know I wouldn’t have given the time of day had I not dated such a piece of shit like you. I love my husband more fiercely than anything. He treats me like a goddess, and I love every moment I have with him. So, thank you. Thank you for letting me see how truly bad things can get. Without you, I wouldn’t fully appreciate how fucking amazing my life is today.

Oh, and also…every breath you take is a waste of perfectly good oxygen. You may have the rest of the world convinced you are a 'good, god-fearing man,' and a doting husband and father, but I see right through you. Fuck you."



"While i may not have put enough effort in towards the end, because i thought i wanted something else and now i realize i should have been happy with you because i realize in hindsight youre perfect…


But if you ever wanted to get back together i might seriously think about it because i love you and i might never not."



"I'm not the broken person you think I am/was."



"I know that you didn’t suddenly 'develop feelings' for the guy that you started hanging out with on the tail end of our relationship after we broke up. You started dating a week after we broke up. It was never supposed to be a break, it was not about trying to fix us. It was you being too much of a pussy to tell me to my face that you wanted to break up and go be with the guy who you 'had no feelings for' even though you hung out with him sometimes more than me. (until 3 am one time for Christ's sake.) You are the reason I am depressed, and even still I am not over you."



"I’m glad we ended it. Not because I’m bitter, but because we’ve both moved on to meet people who make us much happier than we ever made each other."



"I am sorry. I broke your heart and you broke mine too but I know I am responsible for your downward spiral after I broke it off. I was the only stability that you had, and when it came down to it, I chose to give up on you and save myself. I have to live with the decision that saved one of us but I wish it would have been you. I could have handled the circumstances you were put in, and I’m sorry you had to go through a Murphy’s law series of events that left you where you are. I am married now, and I’m not sorry we broke up, but I am sorry I failed you when you needed me."



"Every single thing on your makeup counter, in your travel bag, your toothbrush, your house keys, your car dongle, all of it. It has ALL been up my ass."



"You’re loving, but with a harsh judgement and you offer little room for error."



"You taught me what I don’t want in a relationship. You’re a huge fuckup and a huge waste of time, but I don’t regret it because now I know what I don’t want."



"You’re a piece of shit for breaking up with me the way you did. But then again, it worked out because literally a month after we broke up, I got back in touch with the one that got away. He’s the love of my life and if you hadn’t done what you did, we wouldn’t have been together now. So in the end, thank you! Have a great life with your cheating girlfriend."



"Your ex-husband cheated on you with your sister-in-law and you had the audacity to compare me to him constantly, which ultimately led to your decision to leave me—simply because you were still hung up on him. Newsflash sweetheart: He didn’t love you. I did. I’m sorry getting pregnant with him didn’t save your marriage, but thanks for reminding me throughout our relationship and engagement that I will never be as successful as he was. I guess a paycheck is worth more than respect, dignity, love, and good treatment.

I am not a settlement. I’m sorry I can’t provide you and your daughter with a 'professional' salary where you can just stay at home. I know I am worth so much more than you ever placed upon me. You’re a terrible, selfish person and there is nothing you can say to justify how you treated me upon leaving. You’ll never find someone who loved you as truly as I did. You took me for granted and I hope that you reap every bit of what you have sown."



"I realized a few days ago that I love the bike I bought after our breakup more than I ever loved you."



"I loved the ugliest part of you that even you didn’t love. I loved the part of you that would make most people run away screaming because to me, those were the most human parts of you—not the perfect image you let the world see. I didn’t understand why you never appreciated me or tried to love me back; I blamed myself for your lack of affection. When you left me, I thought I would die without you but surprisingly, I survived.

I thought I would never love again but I did. My fiancé loves me unconditionally and has shown me a thousand times what it means to be in a stable, healthy relationship. I finally realize why you were so scared to love me. Now, I just pity you whenever I see you because you will never know what it is to be vulnerable, yet strong."



"I'm sorry. Im sorry for the part that I played in making you feel like you're insane but together we were toxic, as you also made me feel the same. You made me see what I was doing to you and to myself, and I'm sorry to say I changed once you were gone. I will always love you."



"You fucked like a dead fish and had a creepy cat obsession."



"I should have married you. That I had a ring and everything, and instead, I ran away to a different town because my self-esteem was so low. Can’t tell you now because you are happily married. Happy for you, but it hurts."



"I didn’t just break up with you because I was depressed, I broke up with you because you’re an alcoholic who never showed me any affection and expected me to do everything around the house while you self-medicated with booze. And you threatened to stab someone, dude. Go to fucking rehab."



"Your actions broke me to the point of attempting suicide twice. There is something fundamentally important to me that doesn’t exist anymore due to you and I can’t get it back."



"I'm glad you’re happy now, but I hated every second I spent by your side, you soul-destroying, Bible-thumping cunt."



"You lied to me, used me, manipulated me, cheated on me, and eventually threw me away. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. I got to see what I was missing and learned what I should not accept in a relationship. Because of that, I eventually found someone who really cares about me and values me. Thank you for showing me the way. Also, I’m laughing hysterically at what a train wreck your life is. I really dodged a bullet."



"I trusted you, defended you, prayed for you, and blamed myself for being a shitty person for four years for not being there for the little girl. Only to find out that you cheated on me consistently while we were together and the child wasn’t even mine. That’s four years of burden and self-loathing I’m still trying to get over. Thank you."



"Thanks for showing me the kind of person to avoid."



"While I regret cutting things off as stupidly and dramatically as I did, man oh man did I dodge a bullet with you. Between your controlling nature and general psychosis (not that you cut, that you cut because I asked you for my goddamn cutlery back), things couldn’t have ended soon enough. Also, [hardcore communist guy we used to make fun of]? Really?



"So much. How much damage I absorbed, what that did to me. How screwed up the future looks from here. How trapped I feel dealing with the crater.

Personality disorders are brutal on the people around them. It’s emotional abuse, but god help you if you say that out loud: a multitude of people with personality disorders rain fire on your head for not understanding their point of view.

It’s doubly bad if you didn’t realize you were dealing with a personality disorder, life just seems chaotic and awful without any reason for it to be so. You hope the last thing was the last thing but stiffen up because you know it’ll happen again. Every muscle is taut, every nerve is on fire. You’re exhausted just standing there, even before something happens. Again.

I screwed up. I kept forgiving and trying to restart until there wasn’t enough left of me to think or feel. That’s on me, but I still didn’t deserve it. The kids certainly don’t deserve it. And I’ll be lifting it all until I die, there is no escape now."



"After all the abuse you put me through and after telling me that I’m worthless and no one will ever want to be with me, I have had two very meaningful relationships after you. I am currently still in the second one and extremely happy. Also, our mutual friends told me that you haven’t been able to keep a guy around since we broke up 4 years ago because you are so insensitive and demeaning. I would say good luck finding someone with my patience, but I know you never will."



"I’m glad the guy you left me for ended up being crazy and dangerous. It made me smile rejecting you when you begged me to take you back. I really get enjoyment out of listening to you cry about how fucked up your life is and how you hate your life now that you left me.

(She asked me to marry her then told me she never loved me and only married me to create feelings she wanted to have for me and to help me win custody of my son.)"



"I know you’re still not over me because you’ve been running your mouth about it. You’re pathetic. You treated me like shit for years, I left when my empathy tank had finally run dry. I didn’t even cry when we broke up because I was that emotionally empty. This was years ago and you’re still butthurt that I left you? Even after everything you did? Grow up."



"You check all the boxes for being a sociopath. Also, the only reason I still keep in touch when I am drunk is because I want more nudes."



"There will always be an element of animosity toward you. I hate how you led me on for 3 months after you broke up with me entertaining the notion that you may get back together with me. You spent so much time highlighting my flaws and our differences that you never noticed the flowers I would buy you every week, the money I was saving to buy you a ring, and how happy I was to have you in my life. I know it sounds arrogant, and I know it sounds presumptuous. But you gave up on something really great. All because of your absolute and utter inability to communicate. Never put another man through what you put me through."



"I could never talk to you. I was too afraid to tell you how I felt; I felt silly, stupid, crazy, illogical, irrational, and not like myself. I wanted to make you happy and that was so difficult.

I know you don’t think I tried but I did, and it wasn’t easy. I was abusing medication to make sure I felt OK around you but it ruined everything else.

You made me realize how silence is so much more significant, so much more important than any expression, sound, or word you could’ve said.

You said nothing and I waited and waited and waited.

I always closed our silence but you showed me how empty things truly were. I know I wasn’t enough for us to happen. Sometimes, when I look back, I don’t see us; it was always you and me.

I hope you’re OK and I hope you’re happy and I hope you’ve forgotten me and moved on with someone nice.

Someone that makes you happy and lets you make them happy.

Someone that understands you and sees you for the amazing person you are.

Someone that you think about more than once a week.

Someone that you’ll want to call and text and talk to…a person that makes you feel like you’d want to go for it before they do.

Someone that makes you want to return their gestures and thoughtfulness, to reciprocate, and hopefully to love."



"I hooked up with someone else when we were dating. It would destroy you."



"The best thing you could for the people in your life is die. You're a useless waste of space. All you do is use people and drag them down because you're unhappy with your own life and have no desire to change."



"I know you cheated on me with the upstairs neighbor. I know you didn’t find me attractive in the end. And I want you to know you are the reason I spiraled into depression and put on a lot of weight and made me lose confidence in people. But also thanks to you I managed to move home, get a good job, and find the love of my life and we are happily engaged. Because thanks to you I was forced to move away from all my friends because that place reminded me of you."



"You left and broke my heart in more ways than I knew were possible. The Army turned you into a hard, cold ass without a shred of the compassion and empathy that had been so much a part of who you were before you enlisted. You tried contacting me after your enlistment was done and I refused to talk to you because it still hurt too much. I regretted that decision when we reconnected decades later.

Now I’m glad because as it turns out, you have become everything I despise. We still have a strong physical attraction for each other, but dude. That is not enough to overcome your loathsome personality. I walked away this time and it felt great. Oh, and that new wife of yours? She is one dumb bitch. You are way too smart and intellectually curious to not be able to have deep conversations with her for the rest of your life. I, on the other hand, am the embodiment of living well is the best revenge."



"I was the one playing pranks on your car. I stretch-wrapped it shut and a few days later I soaped the windows. I thought it was hilarious and when you ended up being pissed about it I stayed in the car and watched you clean it off without saying a word. It was hilarious then and it still is now."



"I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I was in a depression. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to pull myself out of it. I’m sorry I stayed in that shithole of a job just because I was making enough money to get out of debt. I’m sorry you could not talk to me and instead talked to your coworkers who talked you out of our relationship. I’m sorry you couldn’t even try. I’m sorry you can’t see the amazing time we had together, and instead focus on the last three months. I’m sorry, but I feel sad for you.

I have only had one woman who I loved, and had one woman who said she loved me, and I believed her. That was you. I asked you not to break my heart, and you did. You left me when I needed you. I thought you were my rock, I’ve since learned that lesson. I’ve learned a lot about myself. Thank you. Thank you for making me a better man for my future wife. It hurts me to say this, but this is exactly what I needed to force myself to be better….

I gave you my heart, and you destroyed it. your other best friend apologized to me for your behavior, hell, your brother apologized to me for you, and one day, when you leave this guy (of course you will get back together with him, it’ll be a lot harder than what we went through), I hope that you can realize all the shitty gaslighting things you did to me, realize why I cannot be friends with you, and apologize to me for that, too.

Here’s to hope. But I’m not holding my breath. I miss you and wish I could stop loving you."



"You taught me how to love and I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. (He killed himself our freshman year of high school.)"



"I see you finally found someone willing to sponsor your exit from the United States. Hope sucking an old man’s dick every day for the rest of your life is a fair price."



"Your betrayal was so complete, so sudden, and so vicious that I actually developed health problems from the strain. I had a cardiac event and am on anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication to manage the pain of the loss. I likely will be for a long time. Meanwhile you happily moved forward with your rebound that is 12 years younger than you are. I hope one day you hurt as badly as I have."



"You took something I won’t get back, my trust. And I hope you're happy with the empty wallet you ran off with.


Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with a car. Even though i can’t drive and I’d probably miss and die. Soooooooooo."



"I hope you get help and break the cycle.

You are an incredible and sweet man that has been so abused and battered in life that it led you to become an abuser. At one point in time you have to be grown and admit it may not be your fault you are how you are but it is your fault that you are doing nothing to change. Do better for yourself, you DESERVE it! You are worthy of so much more and it is possible to not end up like your father.

I will forever have love for you. I still don’t forgive you, but I would like nothing more to see you improve and be happy. Don’t victimize another girl, please. I can ultimately forgive you if I knew I will be the last one you do this to. That would be the best gift."



"You’re a manipulative child, and you’re an attention whore; you always need male attention in any form of way. And you’re so blind to it that you ended up driving me away, and you’ve shattered my self-confidence as a man. I really hope you can rid yourself of that fake-ass naively cute girl act and learn to live your life without needing a guy to be your pillar."



"I faked it every time, buddy."



"You made me feel like I was hard to love. And i’ll never, ever forgive you for that."



"Out of all the awful things that have happened in my life, you are the only one with no silver lining."



"I wouldn’t care if you were to wake up in a ditch with grown men shitting on you and jumping on top of your head."



"I’m being honestly truthful when I say I love the cats more and if are all in danger that they’ll be saved first."



"That of all the people in history, including Hitler, Kim Jong-un, Canadians, and Phillip II, I wish you death more than anyone else. You ruined my fucking life, I lost all my confidence because of you and even after a year I can’t hold a relationship purely because I’m so worried about everything now. Fuck you."



"That I think you are disgusting for naming his son the same name we had picked out for the child we lost a year beforehand. The fucked-up part is that your son and my daughter were born on the same day, two hours apart."



"That you are not good-looking but I couldn’t bring myself to tell you that because I didn’t want it to look like I was judging you by your looks. You always believed you were so handsome, and I was always like, 'of course you are!'"



"You started all of it. The self-destruction. The stream of abusive, cheating girlfriends. You made me believe it was normal. You made me believe I was the bad guy. And I moved across the country for it. I’m in a healthy relationship now that I’m fucking up because you messed me up so much. I laughed when you found out you have a life-long illness. I hope you rot in hell."



"You are a selfish, nasty piece of shit and you don’t deserve any other opportunities to do what he did to me to someone else. You should rot alone."



"I’m worth more than you ever gave me. For years, I couldn’t admit to myself what you were doing was abuse and rape. It was, and you knew it. You knew you were hurting me, all the time, convincing me it was just what I deserved. You stripped me of all I valued about myself. But the best part is that I see you now for what you were. Sad, small, insecure, manipulative. The problem was always you, no matter how hard you tried to convince me I deserved all the bullshit you gave me. I got better, learned my value. And in my life, you now have none."



"I think I really loved you. You were an asshole to me, you lied and manipulated at every chance you got even when you knew I didn’t deserve it, any of it. I placed more trust in you than I had anyone and I was so unbearably hurt that you just didn’t care enough to do the right thing."



"What you did was abuse. And between that and your drinking problem, that is why I said what I did, that I knew would break us up. I didn’t know you’d react so poorly, and I never would have guessed your superiors would cover for you like that. I hope you get better. I hope you never treat another woman like that. Part of me hopes your life falls apart, though, you crazy, cruel bastard."

AstridDragon TC mark

On Empathizing With Trump Voters

Posted: 09 Nov 2016 05:45 PM PST

Tyler Rayburn
Tyler Rayburn

One of the best things that ever happened to me was growing up with Republican parents. Our minds and personalities are informed by the environment we grow up in, we do what our parents do until we are old enough to think for ourselves and in my case this means I held deeply rooted beliefs I came to realize I was wrong about. In high school I read Paul Wellstone's Conscience of a Liberal as a kind of opposition research, but it turned out to be a tipping point. Paul told me his story, he talked about why he cared about the politics he stood for and I empathized with him. We both wanted a better world for everyone even if we had different ideas about how to get there.

I went on to an evangelical, predominantly Republican college in the era of George W. Bush, I studied philosophy and turned the critical questions I was learning to ask inward. Quality questions were good, facts were also good, but I didn't change my mind until I was in a parking lot in the middle of the night and a close friend was telling me that he was gay, something I vehemently believed to be morally wrong. He cried, he was honest, he told me how he, too, believed he was immoral and about all the religion he surrounded himself with hoping he could become straight.

When I empathized with his story, I understood that my beliefs were wrong.

If you've never been wrong about something so fundamental to your personality and values, let me tell you that it changes you forever. I will never 100% believe in anything again. Every belief I have is a flag held at half mast, I always leave room for doubt, for the very real possibility that I am wrong about this, too. It also made me realize that epistemology is a lot messier than most of us believe. Facts and arguments don't change people's minds, but stories do. Relationships and empathy and space to be wrong are required components of real change.

This election has been exhausting because there hasn't been a side for me to cheer for. I voted for HRC and I was proud to do so, but I wasn't proud to be part of a Left that had berated Trump and his supporters in a way that felt barbaric. No matter what people do, I want to have more integrity than to treat people badly. More importantly, I want people to believe what I believe, and treating them badly has the opposite effect. I was only able to change my mind about core beliefs I held because someone treated me like a well-intentioned human and told me his story instead of calling me names.

Half of this country voted for someone whose values I vehemently and viscerally disagree with. They were undeterred by his sexism, his racism, and the idea of giving a volatile man prone to emotion-driven lashouts access to nuclear codes. I wish they would agree with me, but I can also see that in a belligerent election cycle there was no impetus for them to come around.

You cannot polarize and proselytize at the same time. You have to give people room to be wrong without demonizing them. If they are 'wrong' about something and the people who are wrong about that something are 'evil', they will never be open to being wrong because no one considers themselves to be evil.

This is what I think right now. I am going to double down on kindness and storytelling. I'm going to try harder to treat everyone with respect and empathize with people I disagree with and who do things I consider immoral. I'm not going to call people sexist or racist or complain about white men anymore because I care more about changing someone's mind than I do about shaming them. Those labels (the first two, anyway) represent things I consider morally reprehensible, and people tend to not be open-minded about the possibility that they are morally reprehensible. I don't want them to be on the defense, I want them to listen.

I'm not perfect. I am a person who gets a thrill out of conflict. I consider disagreement to be exciting and intellectually interesting. I understand the gut impulse to say mean things to people who disagree with you — just as I understand the desire to write people with 'bad' beliefs off. This is a part of my humanity, too. It's part of the appetite in my Platonically ordered soul that I have to work to reign in.

In his holocaust memoir Viktor Frankl talks about his empathy for the guards at his concentration camp, a display of such incredible open-mindedness that my jaw literally dropped when I read it:

"It is apparent that the mere knowledge that a man was either a camp guard or a prisoner tells us almost nothing. Human kindness can be found in all groups, even those which as a whole it would be easy to condemn."

I read the book when #notallmen was trending, and I couldn't believe someone who had been through so much worse than my (comparatively insignificant) experiences with sexism was going #notallholocaustguards on his captors. This is my aspirational level of empathy. People want to be good. They do not hold their beliefs because they are evil or want to be evil — and when we approach conversation with them through as if they are, we forfeit an opportunity to get them to listen. TC mark

Remember That Time You Emotionally Abused Me?

Posted: 09 Nov 2016 05:01 PM PST


Remember that time you gave me a black heart instead of black eyes

Warped words instead of scraped knees

Yet it still hurt, just the same?

Remember that time you used your silence

to bruise my broken soul,

which could’ve just as easily been broken bones

Because sometimes contempt hurts even more deeply

than sticks and stones?

Remember that time

I slowly became accustomed to your cruelty and the raging storms

The silent glare followed by the teasing eyes

The sweet nothings and the callous words

Bruising the soul and battering the mind—

Carefully evaluating how far I could go?

Remember that time when I

Recoiled in the

The hard grip of your hands

delicately tying my stomach into knots

Like a tailor making me a dress that would beautifully hug my thighs

And squeeze my throat at the same time?

I crawled into the chambers of my own heart and made a cage

Fenced myself in

Scribbled a message on the edges of the walls

Stop here and never again.

Only to sleep beneath the clouds at night

Wake up to the thunder and taste the rain

On your lips.

Remember that time when

I sold my heartbeats for a lived in cage

A secondhand soul and a man I had never met

I met his doppelganger

shook his hand and met his lips

Merged his name with mine until I met the second man

Who I pretended did not exist.

He stole my kisses and my laughter, became a thief for my pride.

Year upon year went by,

Where one man would appear and the other disappeared,

One with a smile and the other with a glint in his eye.

My heart hung heavy and my mind deep-dived, headfirst

Cutting the cord between the two, pretending I never knew.

I reasoned that the second man was nothing like the first,

though they looked the same—

swallowed my lies in tiny cups until they both

drowned me,

Annabel Lee in her tomb

by the sounding sea.

Leaving was not easy but it was also too easy

Remember that time when I left you because I had nothing more left to lose?

Remember when I finally became the victor, after being the victim?

Remember when I cultivated the dreams you tried to eradicate, pull out by the root?

Remember that time when you were finally met by my silence

rather than my compliance—

when my voice became so strong you could no longer break me—

instead, I used all the pain you gave me—

for resurrection. TC mark

Shahida Arabi is a poet and the author of the book She Who Destroys the Light: Fairy Tales Gone Wrong.


She Who Destroys the Light is available for preorder here.

The One Sentence You Want Your Ex To Know About How You’re Doing Since The Breakup, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Posted: 09 Nov 2016 05:00 PM PST



I realized just how much better I am without you.


It took me a little while, but I finally found peace with my life.


I found someone new and he treats me better than you did.


I don't know what to do without you still.


I found happiness elsewhere because I realized you're not as good as it gets.


I'm healing day by day.


I miss you, but I think we make better friends than lovers.


I can't bring myself to let you go, but I know hanging on is just hurting me.


I'm doing better than ever without you holding me back.


I have my moments of weakness where you're all I want.


I try to cover up the sadness with laughter and fake smiles.


I still wish you were here when I reach for you. TC mark

What He Says VS What He Really Means

Posted: 09 Nov 2016 04:00 PM PST


"I'm not ready, you're not ready. We're not ready!"

Translation: My past relationships damaged my belief in healthy relationships. I am over my ex-girlfriend but I am not over what happened. I am going to project on you what she did to me. I am going to treat you as an enemy rather than a teammate. I am counting on this to fail because if it doesn't, my illusion will fail and so will all the lies I have been telling myself about love, intimacy, and relationships in general. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I am still wearing my glasses I wore yesterday. I am buying myself more time. For now, I choose my fear over my love for you. If not by loving, then how?

"If I get into something now, it would be a fling"

Translation: I want to date you but I don't want to take responsibility for my choices or actions because I never do. I avoid the love I am searching for in this world because I believe that nothing will last forever. I don't want to get hurt and just want to have fun right-now. It's the easy way out and you know, it numbs me. It puts my dreams, aspirations and what keeps me going to sleep and I really could use a good nap at the moment. I am a man on the run. And with you, I have to face all that I'm running away from and that's exactly what I do not want. If not here, then where?

"I'm not ready to try something different"

Translation: You push me out of my comfort zone. You make me see things in a new light. Our connection is unique because it's deep, raw and real. And I am used to shallow and meaningless encounters with women. I have a type: the one that doesn't ask questions, the one that doesn't ask for much, the one that follows, not leads. You scare me so much because I am falling in love with you and I can't control my brakes. You make me lose control. You make me think, you make me dig deeper into my essence. I see our differences as a turn-off instead of something to look forward to. And I should be gone by now because if I stay, I'll fall too deep, and that I'll never recover from. If not now, then when?

"If I get with someone after this, it will be with a girl who's a lot like you"

Translation: You're everything I want but you don't match that picture perfect I had in my head. See, I like things my way. I am so attached to how I think things should be that I don't consider challenging my understanding of things. I think you're too good to be true. We met when my life wasn't at its best and in my world, love arrives when everything is in place. You drive me crazy sometimes and I don't know how to go about it because there's a gap between my heart and my logic. I want you but I know I shouldn't because it makes sense but it doesn't. I love everything about you but something's missing that I can't place my hands on. Maybe it's your uniqueness in a world too loud of similarities. If not me, then who?

"I want to be with you but I don't see myself married at this age"

Translation: I've taken your love for granted, I have taken you for granted.. I got so used to having you around that I have forgotten the taste of the flavour you add to my life. I have forgotten the memories we made together, the promises we made to each other. Now, I have seen it all with you and I feel like I'm still not satisfied. I want to go out to the world and explore what's out there on my own and not with you. Maybe it's you. Maybe it's me. Or, maybe, I don't really believe in marriage. I want to get married but I have not seen the good kind of marriage in my life only the bad, the destructive, the love lacking kind of marriage. I am just not at that place to get married to you. I am not that person yet. If not this, then what? TC mark

21 Signs He’s A Total Unicorn And You Should Lock Him Down Immediately

Posted: 09 Nov 2016 03:00 PM PST


If he exhibits any of these signs, he’s the real deal. Lock this grown-ass man down (if you haven’t already).

1. He has goals for the future. He has a general idea of what he wants to do and where he wants to go.

2. He never makes you feel like his mom. He doesn’t need someone to pick up after him or to encourage him to meet his potential. He’s a grown-ass man and he does that on his own.

3. When a waiter brings his food or refills his glass, he says ‘thank you.’ He tips well and generally treats service people like they are human beings worthy of his respect.

4. He doesn’t make you guess if he’s seeing other people. He’s willing and able to have a conversation about what you are and where you see the relationship going.

5. He makes you feel like you are beautiful and attractive. You’re more secure than ever because he never makes you feel like you have to work for him to be attracted to you. He loves your body — and tells you this, out loud.

6. You never worry about who texts who first.

7. He’s interested in things that aren’t just video games and TV. He reads or he volunteers or he gets out and does something that he’s passionate about. He’s not just collapsing on the couch every night.

8. He keeps his home reasonably clean and stocked with the things he needs. He knows how to cook a dish or two and isn’t totally reliant on take-out and cleaning services.

9. He can have a conversation with someone he vehemently disagrees with without raising his voice.

10. If you go on a trip, he offers to pick you up at the airport. If you’re sick, he asks what he can bring you. In little, everyday ways he demonstrates that he wants to be your person.

11. He introduces you to his friends and talks you up. He cares about his friends liking you because he hopes in the future you’ll all share a social circle.

12. He knows what his credit score is, even if it’s not as high as he’d like it to be. He’s an adult who cares about his financial health.

13. You two have fights, but they’re reasonable disagreements between two adults. You still feel like you have a healthy relationship, even after you’ve been annoyed at each other.

14. This is because above all, he treats you like you’re on the same team. He doesn’t view you as an enemy or someone who’s trying to limit his freedom or get you to do something he doesn’t want you do. He wants to do what’s best for both of you, not just for him.

15. You don’t worry about infidelity. You just know he wouldn’t.

16. He remembers the details. Little things you say in passing make their way into his memory recall. He knows your birthday, he knows the name of your best friend, he asks you about work when he remembers you had a nerve-wracking meeting you were anticipating.

17. He asks you deep questions. Not, ‘what is your favorite color?’ but actually deep questions about who you are as a person. He wants to know who you are at your core and that you two share some of the same values and want the same things in the future. He’s interested to know if he could grow old with you.

18. He’ll read a book just because it’s your favorite.

19. He builds you up instead of tearing you down. He doesn’t make negative comments about you. Why would he? He’s clear that he thinks you are a catch and he’s into you.

20. He keeps in regular contact. If he goes away for the weekend he checks in. He wants to know how your day is or at least hear your voice or read your texts, even if things are hectic and busy in his life.

21. He feels lucky that someone like you would be with him, in the same way that you feel lucky to have found such a quality guy. TC mark

The Unconventional Way Each Zodiac Sign Uses To Show You They Like You

Posted: 09 Nov 2016 02:00 PM PST

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Aries don't really like to show their emotions, so they'll always make fun of you or use sarcasm to flirt with you instead of being all sappy and romantic. They might even call you an idiot if they're really that into you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Because they're usually straight-forward and observant people, they will point out exactly what they like about you, whether it's your organizational skills, your sense of humor or your driving skills or something so specific that you may not have even noticed about yourself. They may not compliment you a lot, but when they do, they usually mean it.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Geminis are fun, light-hearted and very outspoken people, so they will not shy away from flirting playfully with you. They will call you 'baby' and 'honey' and might even say 'I like you' as long as they're said playfully. They actually get uncomfortable when things get serious.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

The most romantic sign of the zodiac. They're all about old-school romance, they'll send you flowers and hand-written notes. They'll remember important dates and check on you all the time to let you know you're on their mind.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Leos are very dominant and bold, so if they like you they’ll find a way to be involved in everything in your life because they're also a bit possessive and like to be the center of your universe. So they'll find ways to help you or do something for you so you can feel like you need in them in your life and of course, give them credit.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Virgos are perfectionists so if they slip up or act goofy around you, they like you. When they try to loosen up and be more laid back and a little sloppy, it means they're trying to change their ways for you.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Libras will act like your best-friend, they'll come pick you up to just drive through the city and listen to music or meet you for lunch during your lunch hour or even just come work out with you. They will try to be part of your everyday life so they can know more about you and also make you feel like you can count on them as a friend or more.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Scorpios are extremely flirty and they know exactly what to say to the opposite sex, so it's hard to tell if they're really into you or they're just being themselves. But you will always know when they remember everything you tell them and ask a lot of deep and personal questions because that means they're curious about you and they want to know more.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius are affectionate so they're going to show their interest physically. So they will try to touch you a lot or randomly hug you or try to stand or sit close to you so you can really feel their presence.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Capricorns are very patient and persistent but they are not very open to expressing themselves, however, if they like you, they will ask you for advice on something, they don't actually need your advice because they're stubborn and won't listen to anyone, but that's how they let you know you're important to them and that your opinion matters.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Since Aquarians are the masters of unconventionality, there is really nothing they wouldn't do and it's hard to predict or even guess what they would do, but the crazier they seem, the more they like you. They get inspired and fueled when they like someone and this leads them to get creative with gifts, words or even planning random trips for you.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Pisces are sensitive and romantic and they're not afraid to show it. Don't be surprised if they write a song about you or make a scrapbook for you with your favorite quotes and photos. They go all out when they like someone just to see them smile. TC mark