Thought Catalog


18 Extremely Awkward Teen Sex Stories

Posted: 24 Nov 2016 08:00 PM PST

If you’re like me, you were a virgin well into college. But if you were unlike me, you probably first had sex sometime in high school. Regardless, everyone remembers high school and the teen years as a hormonally insane period of life. Anxiety and interest regarding the opposite gender (or same gender, as the case may be) was astronomical, and confusing. A thread at r/AskReddit asked people for their most uncomfortable/funny teen sex stories, and people delivered! Here are some highlights:

1. SlamDunx

Well, one night, a girl and I were going at it pretty heavily in a parking lot after a date. While driving her home, she began giving me a little road head. I was getting really fired up and basically said “I need to fuck you.” When we got back to her house, she had decided that it was too risky to go inside, in case her parents were still awake (despite the lights being out) and she didn’t want to wait anymore. So, we decided to have some car sex. My car at the time was too small, so, we decided to go into her car, which was a midsize SUV that her dad had bought for her, or something. Right as we’re finishing up, a light goes on in her house. She panics, I panic, we start scrambling to get dressed. Somehow, we hit the alarm button on her key remote, and now, the horn is blaring every other second, the lights are flashing, and the porch light goes on. Her mom comes onto the porch as we’re trying to finish getting dressed, shut off the alarm, and make our way out the the car that we were somehow locked in. That was our last date.

2. idontbelieveyourpost

I was seventeen, 69’ing with my high school sweetheart when I heard a knock on my bedroom door. “Busy!”, I replied. My Dad ignored this reply and opened the door anyway. The end of the bed, where my girlfriend’s head (and my penis) were, was right in front of the door.
My Dad looked down to see my girlfriend with my dick in her hand, then went, “Jesus christ”, and shut the door. She promptly started crying, then left, meanwhile I’m laughing hysterically trying to console her.
He never entered my room again when I reply, “Busy!”

3. alexandergrahambell5

Accidentally FaceTimed my mom mid-act. Thankfully, she’s technologically-deficient enough to where she just held the phone up to her ear normally and kept saying “Hello?” (not seeing anything) while I frantically hit the “End Call” button about a thousand times.

4. cyph3x

My GF in high school was a year younger and never really drank. I went to a private school in another nearby state and I was heading home for the week for winter break or something. I had just bought a bottle of vodka because I had a friend there who had an ID; I was 17 so my friends and I were always hunting for alcohol because high school. this girl drank three shots en route to being completely shitfaced. she wasn’t even that small; her tolerance was just ridiculously low. she decided she wanted to have sex, which I now realize was a completely stupid idea, but I was a horny teenager. about 5 minutes in, while she is on top, I felt a warm stream coming down from my balls and that crevice between your balls and thigh. she straight up pissed on me like R. Kelly. that was an awkward weekend.

5. sarticus

She was giving me head in my bedroom and I farted. About 5 seconds later she queefed. we didn’t say anything to each other until a graduation party.

6. formerkeeper

At girlfriend’s house, her parents were out of town for vacation for a week so we thought we wouldn’t be interrupted. Her dog came in the room and licked my ass right as I came.

7. Kivulii

When I was 17, my girlfriend and I were doing it in the basement living room. Her dad walks in and gets a full-on view of us going at it pretty hard. Commence about a minute of awkward silence. He smirks, tells us to be safe, and shuts the door. As he’s walking up the stairs, I hear him call up to his wife: “Honey, he’s not gay.” That was two years ago. We broke up a few months later, and now I have a boyfriend.

8. teharchitect

I was at my girlfriends super rich/religious parent’s house around 3 AM, way later than I was supposed to have been. We were both stark naked and having some great sex. We had the TV a bit loud to mask the noise, I proceed to cum all over her tits and stomach and when I stand up to go to the bathroom and clean up I turn around and see her father in his bathrobe just glaring at me. He just witnessed me jizzing all over his daughter and seen me with my dick in my hand still dripping. That was the most awkward moment of my life!

9. jrgoode

Was having sex with my girlfriend at the time when I was 18. We were going at it, pretty hardcore. She was a Ballet dancer and god damn she had one hell of a body. Well — she is in Missionary position and I can’t even believe that these three things happened at the same damn time. My Mom knocked on the door — and I am pounding the hell out of my lady. I yell “NO” As soon as I yell that — I start to cum inside my girl- BUT I also had an insane fart that was working its way up right before I came. SO simultaneously I farted, came inside my girl, and my Mom walked in and got to see the full release in effect. My mom never walked into my room again. She texts me.

10. Ihavenocomments

My parents were headed out of town for a second honeymoon, and they left me with family friends for a week. I was 13 and they had a few kids, one of whom was a 13 year old girl. They were very liberal parents, and she was a “good” kid, plus, they thought she found me really annoying, so they weren’t watching me like a hawk. I had a crush on her, and she was very pretty. On the second night I was there, she came into my room to say goodnight to me. There was a tiny hole in her nightie, and a small part of her nipple was visible. I told her I could see her nipple. She said she was my friend, and she didnt care if her friends saw her body. I told her I didn’t believe her. She shut my door and lifted her nightie so I could see her fully exposed chest. (She still had panties on.) She said “see, I don’t mind”. I told her to come over to me. She sat down next to me on the bed and lifted her nightie. I started to touch and lick her chest. I decided to put my hand in her panties. She didnt stop me. (This is why it’s embarrassing). Her pussy was really wet. I recoiled my hand in disgust. ” it’s all wet”, I said. That’s how fucking square I was. She took her panties off and dried herself off, them she let me continue. We never had sex, but we really fooled around the rest of the week. This is as true as it gets.

11. Nightmare1990

Not myself but a friend I went to school with told us a story about him and his gf at the time trying anal. Anyway they are going at it and the gf’s mum walked into the room without knocking, he pulls out quickly and his gf liquid shits on him and the bed. He then proceeds to vomit on her. Her mum witnessed the entire ordeal from the doorway.

12. SnipSnipeAndWheel

The first time my girlfriend and I had sex (15 and 17) was on a Church’s playground right outside a La Quinta Inn. We were going at it hard, all while hoping some unsuspecting parents and children or church goer doesn’t happen upon us boning in a playground.
This was some amazing sex, so she finished at the same time I did, so I pulled out and pretty much OG Mudboned all over her stomach, vagina, as well as the playground floor.

13. phildo_baggins

I was 19 and getting it on doggystyle in my room with a girl I’d been seeing. I wasn’t wearing a rubber and she was getting really in to it and told me to come inside her. I was only too happy to oblige being a typical moron. But man, to come in a girl without a rubber, best feeling evaaar! Afterwards she leaned over to lie on her stomach and at the same time let out a massive queef/cum fart. She was totally embarrassed and jumped up to run out to the bathroom, queef jogging and shouting “omg! omg!” all the way down the hall.

14. Rhen_

Was drunk hooking up with a girl. She was giving me head, thought I was about to finish, turns out I just had to break the seal. I ended up peeing in her mouth.

15. bimmerbetch

Went over to guy friends house…go downstairs to his bedroom…he proceeds to turn on Insane Clown Posse…proceed to have sex, the whole time my mind is thinking “your fucking a Juggallo”. Wasn’t really awkward, just degrading.

16. moootz

When I was 19, I started talking to this girl on myspace. I told her I was a virgin and she said she didn’t care and wanted to fuck and all that.. So I go pick her up and we drive around for a bit. I’m nervous as fuck because I didn’t really hangout with too many girls and never did anything sexual before past kissing and touching boobs. We go to a make out-point type spot in my town and she unzips my pants and starts sucking my dick. I start laughing cause it tickled and she yelled at me.. At this point I lost my boner and it was awkward. She said she had to go home. We met up again and cuddled in her room while watching TV and she wanted to fuck me now. We both got naked and I was about to slip it in.. Then I lost my boner again, was super embarassed and just got up and left. I never spoke to that girl again, and was very depressed and had self esteem issues for years after these “first sexual experiences”.

17. 4nomalyMaC

I was coming home from a john mayer concert with my high school gf. My parents were driving us in a pt cruiser. Back then I used to always try to say nice things to girls out of the blue so I lean in and whisper to her “you look really pretty sorry I look like a slob”
The next thing I know she unzips my pants and starts blowing me right then and there. My mom talked through the whole thing and the radio was on so I dont think my parents noticed. Later I asked her why she did that shit and she thought I had said. “You look really pretty sorry but I need a blowjob”

18. cleanyourgrout

We were both virgins. I was 14 and I had been with this guy (15) that I was “in love with” for about 8 months. Neither he nor I had a way to see each other outside of church and church functions because our parents weren’t aware of our relationship. Having no place to do it at, we find a closed off area behind our church – outside – and try to do it there. I had not thought to wear attractive underwear or shave. He was just as nervous of getting caught as I was, if not more. Still, being the stupid horny teenagers we were, we try to get it on. First, he tried to just fuck me. I waited while he guided himself in and then he started trying to thrust. I was confused because I couldn’t tell if he was in or not so I (stupidly) asked, “is it in already?”. He replied with an indignant, “yes.” “Are you sure? Cuz I don’t feel anything,” I replied. But after trying to convince me that it was in, he tried to continue, his confidence shattered, adding more pressure on to him. He became flaccid and was so nervous that he couldn’t get it back up so he decides to try and eat me out. While attempting to go down on me, “you sure are hairy,” leaves his mouth without thinking. I have no clue what to say so I apologize. Seeing that this wasn’t working really well, he asks me to try this thing that he saw in a porno and to get on my hands and knees. He decided to try and give me a rim job (oddly and depressingly, this was the most pleasure I received throughout the entire escapade. After this, I gave my first blowjob ever. I had no clue what I was doing. I just tried to imitate what some porn stars did and i’ll say that I got no where close. It sucked, and not in the good way. He tried to finish by jerking off while he told me to let him cum in my mouth but he was too nervous to actually finish and he gave up. I can’t entirely remember the exact sequence of events but there was also the attempt at: *having sex against a wall (I was too heavy/he was too weak) *unsuccessful fingering (he night as well have been shaking his hand around while giving my vagina the bird) *him attempting to “help me learn how to deepthroat” in 60 seconds while surprise holding my head and thrusting til I smacked him hard enough to make him stop *me squeezing his balls to hard and causing him pain….multiple times *him attempting to fuck me in the ass but giving up because he wasn’t hard enough to actually get it in(dodged a bullet there). That was the last and only time I have ever actually gotten that close to having real sex. This was 5 years ago. TC mark

image – Eleazar

42 Creepy AF Things Kids Said To Their Parents That Absolutely Chilled Them To The Bone

Posted: 24 Nov 2016 07:00 PM PST

via Flickr - Boris Thaser
via Flickr – Boris Thaser

1. The Man With The Snake Neck

While changing my daughter in front of the open closet door. She kept looking around me and laughing. I asked her what was so funny. She said, “the man.” To which I replied, “what man?” She then pointed at the closet and said, “the man with the snake neck.” I turn around and nothing was there. I’m afraid to look into the history of my house to see if anyone hung themselves in the closet. At least she wasn’t scared.

2. That’s Not Sleep

“Daddy sleep” then pushing my head underwater at the pool.

3. Soon, Very Soon Now

Not to me, but to his grandmother.

He was cuddling with her and being very sweet (he was about 3 at the time). He takes her face in his hands, and brings his face close to hers, then tells her that she’s very old, and will die soon.

Then he makes a point of looking at the clock.

4. More Than Jealous

My 3 year old daughter stood next to her new born brother and looked at him for awhile then turned and looked at me and said, “Daddy its a monster..we should bury it.”

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A Marathoner’s Guide To The Friends Thanksgiving Episodes

Posted: 24 Nov 2016 06:00 PM PST

Thanksgiving is just days away. So before you dash off to spend time with your family, it's only fair it you block off a night and spend some time with your Friends. Here's the one true guide for a Friends Thanksgiving Marathon. Va fa Napoli!

Friends
Friends

"The One Where Underdog Gets Away" (Season 1, Episode 9)

Plot: Everyone's individual plans for Thanksgiving go wildly awry before they get locked out of Monica's apartment. Joey's new ad campaign isn't as exciting for his career as he had hoped. Underdog does as promised and gets away.

Quote:

Chandler (rushing in): "Oh my god! Underdog has broken loose and is flying over the city!"

Joey: "The balloon?"

Chandler: "No, no… The actual cartoon character…"

Fate of the Turkey: Because the actual turkey was burned to a crisp while they were locked out of the apartment, grilled cheese was served as a replacement. Joey got the bigger half of the designated “wish” sandwich after wishing for the bigger half of the sandwich.

NYC Inaccuracy: There’s no way a public service campaign would have the budget for that much advertising. Related: that only vaguely looks like the Bleeker Street subway station.

Best Friend: Monica, for having to make all the potatoes before her first independent Thanksgiving dinner was ruined anyway.

Random Observation: Phoebe suggests that Ross put his head in the turkey. Later Joey does exactly this to scare Monica before Monica does this again for Chandler. This is a group of friends very comfortable with salmonella.

Drink Pairing: Mulled cider, because Monica is preparing it while baking and it’s the perfect beverage to escort you into the autumn/Thanksgiving/drunk mood.

"The One with the List" (Season 2, Episode 8)

Plot: Not strictly a "Thanksgiving episode" but this is what we were given that year and this is what we will watch. Ross makes a pros and cons list about dating Rachel on Chandler's new computer while Monica attempts to invent new Thanksgiving recipes from a horrible new ingredient.

Quote:

Phoebe (tasting the Mockolate): "Oh, sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like!"

Fate of the Turkey: Nonexistent, but still a better meal than Fishtachios.

NYC Inaccuracy: Despite the inclement weather everyone entering from the street is bone dry and has perfect hair. (Except sad Ross.)

Best Friend: Ross, for following his heart right up the fire escape. His second list is very sweet. Well, at least sweeter than Mockolate.

Random Observation: The song Ross requests from the radio DJ is With or Without You by U2. This song also plays when Ross cheats on Rachel with Chloe, the copy girl. If this took place in 2014 Ross could have just pulled up the free U2 album on iTunes.

Drink Pairing: Red wine, a romantic episode gets a romantic drink. It’s also goes great with pilgrim Mockolate mousse (it has buckles on it).

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5 Tips On How To Have Sex At Your Parents’ House

Posted: 24 Nov 2016 05:00 PM PST

Twenty20, SashaNell
Twenty20, SashaNell

Sex is an integral part of humanity. And yet, few of us are comfortable discussing this aspect of our lives openly with our parents. Why? Maybe because dick sucking and pussy licking aren't activities mom and dad want to envision their daughters and sons participating in, and we all know that the power of suggestion can trigger unwanted visuals. Or maybe Freud was right about the Oedipus complex, and we're all aware on some level that widespread honest sexual discourse might unlock the Pandora's box of lust we each harbor for our parents, thereby causing an incest epidemic. (Ew!)

There is of course no reason for anyone to be ashamed of their sexual habits, assuming they lie within the scope of consensual, nonviolent (unless permitted to be violent) behavior. Still, there is a case for preserving the memories people cherish of their pure, innocent children dancing as sugarplum ferries in the local production of the Nutcracker, or hitting that clincher of a home run in the championship little league game. Feeding the collective parental delusion that we adult children (including those with offspring of their own) do not engage in sexual behavior regularly might just be integral to humanity, too.

For the typical grownup not residing in the basement of their childhood home, nursing the misconception that sex doesn't play a large role in their daily life is simple enough. Then comes the holiday season, when we're all roped into several family functions within a short time. What's an adult keen on shielding mom and dad supposed to do when their libido kicks in and the only thing they want—nay, need—is to stow away with their partner for a spirited, eggnog driven romp? Consider these five tips on how to have sex undetected when trapped at your parents' house.

1. Wear easy access clothing

With just a modicum of additional forethought, you can arrive at your family gathering in a sex-essible outfit. (Thanks to the genius design of the zip fly—and the male penis, I suppose—this pointer is mainly for those with genitalia that can't be whipped out in the heat of the moment.) Ladies, wear a skirt or a dress when you head home. I don't care how cold it is. There are a lot of options when it comes to winter tights and leggings, and a quickie is much more easily facilitated when a gal can slide her bottoms down rather than shimmy around and risk falling flat on her face. Skinny jeans and tight fitting pants are an absolute no-no.

2. Choose an off-hour

When so many relatives are flitting about, poking there heads in every corner of the house, the chances of securing alone time with your partner are slim. If you want to go at it in a packed house, the best bet is to choose an off hour. Forget bedtime and early morning. Commit to poking in the middle of the night, when everyone else is fast asleep and blissfully unaware. Alternatively, plan to meet up in an unexpected location (laundry room, broom closet and garage all come to mind) at a time when neither of you is likely to be missed, such as cocktail hour or in the midst of an after dinner movie viewing session (you can Netflix that thriller later).

3. Pick a standard position

There are couples out there dedicated to mastering every position in the Kama Sutra, and that's great. But your parents' house isn't an ideal environment for experimentation. The "magic bullet," "reverse cowgirl," and the "organ grinder" can all wait. Stick to the basics at mom and dad's, because fundamentals are straightforward and easily executed. In the case that a lock does fail, it's simpler to interrupt missionary style intercourse than it is to untangle a complicated pretzel type situation.

4. Stay as quiet as possible

Yes, auditory stimulation is wonderful. But it's not necessary. And for obvious reasons, keeping mum is crucial to having sex on the sly. So find another method of expressing your pleasure when doing the deed aside from screaming "Yeah, baby, like that!" or "Fuck me harder, please!" For instance, you might dig your fingernails into your partner's back, or clench (no spanking!) their ass flesh. For those who are typically vocal in bed, copulating quietly might just be a new, fun challenge.

5. Clean up after yourselves

To avoid detection, you have to keep things tidy. That means surveying a given location briefly prior to boinking so you can arrange mom's couch cushions exactly as they were, or realign the washing machine just so. If you're going to make nooky on a couch or a bed, laying a towel down is a good idea—but only if you can procure the protective cloth in advance and stash it somewhere afterwards without drawing undue attention. If there's a condom in the equation, pocket the wrapper as soon as possible, lest little cousin Lucy happen upon it and incorporate it into her yuletide diorama. Oh, and wipe that orgasmic afterglow off your faces before re-engaging with the others. TC mark

13 Moms Share The Hilarious Lies They Tell Their Kids Just To Make Life Easier Sometimes

Posted: 24 Nov 2016 04:00 PM PST

Twenty20, livjess
Twenty20, livjess

1. "The other day I was having lunch with my toddler at the local diner and I told her that the crispy brown parts of her fries were poop smear because I wanted them for myself."

— Neurobiologist, 40

beetlejuice

2. "I was at my wit's end the other night, trying to comb my daughter's hair as she kicked and screamed loud enough for the neighbor's to hear. Finally, I told her that if she didn't let me brush her hair, it would turn into an actual rat's nest and that a rat would climb into her bed in the middle of the night and make her tangled head its home."

— Orthodontist, 34

beetlejuice

3. "When my kids make a mess in the kitchen or playroom I warn them that they better clean up fast. Otherwise, Mister Germ, a giant green monster made of boogies, will visit and rub booger goo all over their faces."

— Freelance Photographer, 35

beetlejuice

4."My 7-year-old girl lost her first tooth recently and I told her that once you're big enough to start losing your baby teeth, you can't act up anymore. Every time you do, I explained, one of the Tooth Fairy's cousins dies. Now whenever she even starts to whine, I give her the don't-kill-a-fairy death stare and the nonsense stops right away. It’s beautiful."

— Theology Professor, 38

beetlejuice

5. "I have a 6-year-old who’s always been impossible at bedtime, so I finally told him that the smoke alarm on his ceiling was a special sensor that was watching his every move and that it would emit poisonous smoke if he was naughty and climbed out of bed after we tucked him in. Worked like a charm."

— Nutritionist, 28

beetlejuice

6. "My kids wouldn't stop begging me for a trampoline so I finally told them trampolines are animal killers because innocent forest creatures get caught in the coils and the metal strangles them. You should have seen how horrified they looked.”

— Interior Designer, 30

beetlejuice

7. "I have twin 8-year-old boys and they’re desperate for an iPad because a few of their rich friends have one. To get them to stop asking for one, I told them about a new study proving that iPads rot kids’ eyes. I said that a lot of moms don’t know it yet, so they’re lucky I’m well informed. Now my mission is to keep them from going on any play dates with iPad families so I can keep up the charade a while longer."

— Stat At Home Mom (SAHM), 29

beetlejuice

8. "When our pet turtle Larry died I was having a terrible day already. The last thing I could handle was a weeping 4-year-old, so I told my child that if he took a nap and prayed hard enough, Larry might come back to life. While he was sleeping I ran out to the store and bought a replacement turtle. If he grows up thinking he’s God, it’s definitely my fault."

— Private Wealth Manager, 36

beetlejuice

9. "Yesterday my 10-year-old asked me how women get pregnant and I buckled under the pressure. I ended up telling her that her body would automatically know it could make a baby as soon as she got married and her husband placed a wedding ringer on her finger."

— Retail Store Manager, 33

beetlejuice

10. "This morning my 5-year-old ran into my bedroom all hyper, wanting to play, and I was too exhausted to consider moving. So I told him that I was having a dream about Toy Land and that if he walked away and let me sleep in, I'd bring a bunch of toys back for him to play with. Not the smartest move since I couldn’t follow-through on my end."

— Journalist, 31

beetlejuice

11. "I'm a single mom and I don't want my kid knowing what a bastard her dad is, so I lie and say that he was a famous astronaut who died on the job and that his body’s floating around in space. It's an awful thing to say, maybe, but better than telling her she's half asshole."

— Nurse Practitioner, 37

beetlejuice

12. "Every time my kid starts driving me crazy, I tell him that if he leaves mommy alone for half an hour, Santa will add a present to the sack just for him at Christmas. He's probably owed a few thousand extra gifts at this point. Good thing he’s not that good at math yet!"

— Pharmaceutical Sales Representative, 39

beetlejuice

13. "Whenever my children get too rambunctious in public I look at them sternly and say 'Shhhhhh, you're going to wake the baby.' Somehow that always quiets them, but I dread the day they realize there aren’t that many sleeping babies around."

— Teacher, 29 TC mark

13 Reasons Why I Hate Living With My Parents

Posted: 24 Nov 2016 03:00 PM PST

shutterstock_142814569
image – Shutterstock

My parents recently pulled a drug test on me and to no one’s surprise; I failed (honestly lucky THC was the only thing that showed up). Being an avid weed lover but constantly away at school the last two years was the ideal set-up. This was all shattered the moment my parents made me un-enroll from university and live at home for a semester, with random drug tests. Living in my parents home is like having a dark cloud of anger and frustration and clashing personalities over my head at all times, never knowing when it’s going to rain. I haven’t served much of my 5-month sentence, but transitioning from living by myself back to my parent's house has already been rough. The reasons of hate are as follows:

1. Not being able to go to the bathroom the second I feel the urge, no matter what I’m doing. If I am changing clothes and have to pee, I should be able to run to the bathroom topless and relieve myself.

2. The look on my mother’s face every time she “folds” one of my thongs. I’ve tried to avoid this by doing the responsible thing and do my own laundry, only to get yelled at for doing smaller than family size loads and ignoring my brother’s dirty boxers.

3. Other people eating my avocados, forcing me to go to the store multiple times a week to purchase more. Yes, this is a serious problem.

4. Being judged for listening to “raunchy, nasty, black music” AKA Kendrick Lamar and Tyler, the Creator. And yes, “raunchy, nasty, black music” is a direct quote from the lips of my racist, demon-spawn mother.

5. The fact that my parents judge all my friends and think that they corrupted their sweet little daughter away at college. My parents think everyone I met at college is a pot smoking alcoholic and they literally wonder if the next person I bring through the door will be my ex-drug dealer. This is especially hard when trying to introduce them to my best friend who is such a hard-working person that my parents would love. I hate that his reputation will be forever corrupted in their eyes because of my actions (and yes, maybe I wish this person would be more than my best friend and maybe I want them in my life forever).

6. The fact that my room is covered in lavender. Lavender bookcases, shelves, curtains… the list goes on. Not to mention other things I wish weren’t in my room like homecoming mums from ex’s and middle school band pictures hung on the walls. At least I had the same size bed at college and changed the sheets and duvet cover to black.

7. My mother going through my things while I am not home. My mom found a “budget” I made saying I spent $50 a week on weed and $25 a week on alcohol. Like I ever followed any budget. Plus, if I only bought an eighth a week my life would have sucked, come on mom.

8. Not being able to lay in bed all day with my best friend.

9. Having to do things on my parent's schedule. If I want to hang out with friends, it must be on their time, not mine or even the rest of the world’s. My parents make a point to be involved with every aspect of my life so every little think I do has to fit with their schedule too. I miss the days of spontaneous 2am hang out sessions and randomly buying concert tickets the day of a show, but also being able to get ice cream whenever I want.

10. I get treated like a fugitive 15 year old. My parents haven’t accepted the fact than in 2 years of university I changed and grew up a lot. My mom keeps telling me to “decide who I am going to be”. Thanks, I think I figured that out a lot better living on my own than I ever could living with my parents.

11. The forcing of conservative Christian values on my life. There is more than one way to live and be successful, a concept foreign to my parents. You can be a good person and have morals without a structured religion.

12. The worry that my parents are eavesdropping on me every second of everyday.

13. Having to password protect my iPhone. TC mark

Thank Your Ex

Posted: 24 Nov 2016 02:30 PM PST

Tonglé Dakum
Tonglé Dakum

Thank you for arguing with me. You taught me the correct way to disagree, as well as the incorrect way. You pushed me to my breaking point, so now I know to never go there again.

Thank you for second-guessing every romantic gesture I made. You believing them to be nothing more than measly attempts at covering up dark secrets, only solidified their necessity. You taught me that I am more than capable of being romantic. To an almost pathetic, The Notebook, “you had me at hello” degree.

Thank you for sharing with me. Blasted music from busted speakers. Feuding teams with unwavering fans. Faithful friends and a perfect family. You taught me that I can share the intricate facets of my life, with someone else. And that when those shared moments last longer than our relationship, it is okay to sit in them and remember you.

Thank you for boring evenings on the couch. While I complained to no end about multiple nights in — with nothing more than a six pack, a remote control, and reruns of The Office — I realized my affection for the simplistic. You taught me that I am more than capable of putting down the Jack Daniels bottle, and picking up a cook book.

Thank you for the loss of affection. You taught me that missing compliments, absent touches, and separate sides of the bed do, in fact, affect me. I have learned that I need physical reassurance and verbal affirmation from time to time. I have also learned that such a need, is okay.

Thank you for loving me. There were moments when, without a doubt, you made me the happiest I have ever been. There were times when a stolen glance. An inside joke. A tender kiss. And a shared song, with you, sent me into a world of butterfly kisses. You taught me that I am capable of being unapologetically happy, and that I can be that happy again.

Thank you for facing a tough decision with me. You taught me that I can survive the worst imaginable situation. That I can survive it with you. And, eventually, that I can survive it without you. I have learned that I cannot change the decisions I have made, but I can learn to live with them.

Thank you for leaving me. I may have been a drunken mess. An easy-target for any one-night-stand-seeking gentleman. An embodiment of bad decisions and piss-poor life choices. But I was me. Every dark. Twisted. Ugly facet of me. And in breaking me down, you taught me how to build myself back up.

Thank you for reconnecting. The ability to see palpable changes. Realistic transformations. And lingering habits, solidified the necessity of certain actions. You taught me that it is okay to turn around, and look back at what was. Just not for too long.

Thank you for ignored phone calls. You exiting stage-right from my life, was the most humane action of our entire relationship. I hated you for it, but you were the stronger of us. You saved me from myself. And you taught me that I could live in a world where you no longer existed, and flourish.

Thank you for impacting me.

Thank you for changing me.

And, finally, thank you for helping create a me who is loved. By someone else. TC Mark

9 Ways To Win Over His Family The First Time You Meet Them

Posted: 24 Nov 2016 02:00 PM PST

Dan Gold
Dan Gold

1. Even If He Says Meeting His Folks Isn’t A Big Deal, It Definitely Is

For a dude, this is a very easy way to figure out if you actually give a shit–because if you eventually want to have his babies (or just the opportunity to eat seafood next Friday), part of you will be nervous to the point of involuntary wheezing.

I’m not exactly sure why wheezing is the involuntary thing you’ll hypothetically do in this situation, but the point is that if this goes south and the fam gives you a thumbs down, you’re in for quite the uphill battle. And 30 years from now, you’ll still dread him going to the bathroom when you are all out to dinner.

2. Have Something “Funny” Happen To You On The Trip Out

Be it him forgetting to print out the boarding passes, or you guys taking the wrong turn and ending up on an amish cow farm, it’s always good to have a harmless gaffe locked and loaded for the inevitable “how was the trip out here?” when you walk in the door. Two primary keys here:

  • Ensure the mea culpa is on him–if it’s you, it means that you’re not worthy of his eventual middle-management salary and unpredictable bowel movements.
  • The less funny the story actually is, the better–the fact that you both find an infinitely lame story utterly hilarious means that you could have fun while trapped in an elevator. Allegedly, this is love.

3. Help In The Kitchen, But Ask First

This list item definitely seems like some sort of anti-feminist rhetoric that takes a gasp-worthy 1947 approach to gender roles. Not necessarily the intention–the intention is that Moms generally enjoy chopping things on cutting boards more than cultured 20-somethings enjoy Lorde. 

So, IF you arrive and the elder female (Mom, Older Sister, Aunt, etc.) is kitchening away, ask to help sooner rather and later. Again, this isn’t so much establishing gender roles as it is giving them a chance to get to know you sans your male presence.

This is perhaps the weekend’s biggest moment of truth–if you guys hit it off, you’re automatically part of the family. And they’ll be crushed if you ever break up.

4. Less Personality As Opposed To More

Quotes about first impressions exist because people have figured out how important that shit is. And because I desperately need something to distinguish myself as a word saying human (and thus, give YOU a good impression), I will add an addendum here–it’s not so much nailing the first impression as it is not fucking it up.

Basically, tread water until you get comfortable enough to swim. If you say one wrong thing over the course of that first weekend, it can ruin you. If you say that same misguided thing a few months down the road, you have a solidified body of work to compensate for the mistake.

5. Hone In On Something His Family Thinks Is Funny, And Milk That Shit For All It’s Worth

Callback jokes are always the easiest to execute. And because you’ll be regaled with stories about how your boyfriend once forgot to put on shoes on the way to his elementary school bus stop, simply note that you guys wanted to go on a run last week, but couldn’t because Charlie forgot his shoes. Instant winner, and you all have now #bonded.

6. Fiercely Manage The Sibling Game

His siblings may be more hostile than the elders–this is because siblings are more in the know re: shit that goes down, and may have a better idea as to what actually happened during that last brutal breakup.

If his siblings dislike you, don’t fret. In fact, it’s sometimes best to play the long game here–i.e., be equally hostile towards them, and proceed to spend the next few months/years letting your game talk.

If you can take care of him and make him happy–all while “doing you” and not sucking up–you’ll be knighted for life.

7. Bring A “Look How Much I care About Your Approval” Present

Wine is usually the default move here, but I’d advise against it–the wine that 50-somethings drink is probably out of your price range, and spending crazy amounts of money on that is potentially very dangerous. One because your wallet, but two because doing too much is sometimes just as bad as not doing enough.

On another note, I’ve heard weird soaps do well.

8. Scout Out His Family On Facebook/Using Pictures/Anything Else At Your Disposal, So You Know What To Wear

If the outfit choice is too bold–or if it strongly resembles the clothing worn by his 87 year-old Grandma–you will likely accrue a nickname behind closed doors. Nicknames are sometimes impossible to overcome.

9. Chill

Advice on the internet is sometimes helpful, but you ultimately can’t let some kid wearing a white t-shirt and jeans with 34 crumpled up receipts permanently lodged inside them tell you how to manage what’s potentially one of the more important situations in your life.

If you fail, fail on your own terms–if his fam, and by extension, he, doesn’t accept you for who you are, you’re probably in the wrong place to begin with. TC mark

Buy 17 Lists That Will Change Your Life here.

TC Site

15 Things Younger Siblings Don’t Know Their Older Siblings Did For Them

Posted: 24 Nov 2016 01:30 PM PST

Shutterstock
Shutterstock

1. Bearing the role of being the guinea pig, and having all the strict rules enforced on them instead.

As the firstborn, you will paradoxically always be your parents’ baby. Everything they do with you, they will do with kid gloves. (Chances are good you also find the Luvs commercials as funny – in that bleak, depressing, bitterly ‘why me?!’ kind of way — as your parents.) No dating, no cell phone, no alcohol, God forbid no weed, and did I mention no dating? At least until you’re 18, if not married.

2. And having to watch every single rule that kept an older sibling under lock and key be unceremoniously abandoned with any subsequent offspring.

By the time your younger sibling rolls around, your parents will have learned one crucial thing: kids are going to just be kids, and it’s honestly usually not worth the headache to try to slow them down. To the older sibling’s point of view, as long as your younger brother or sister isn’t teething on an extension cord, your parents think they’re getting the job done just fine. We put the slack on that leash for you. You’re welcome.

3. Taking the fall for for ev.er.y.thing.

Because even though you’re still a kid yourself, you should know better, or at least know enough to stave off what seems like the greatest and most imminent of disasters.

4. Not always getting the first and best of everything.

Your siblings may sometimes get your hand-me-down clothes, but you’ll be the one with the hand-me-down car that breaks down just in time for your little sibling to start driving. (Either that, or your parents will grow so tired of you griping about your ride that they’ll just cut the middleman and arrange for your sibling to have a slightly better car. Your parents will eventually capitulate, it’ll just never be in the direction you want them to.)

5. Navigating a lot of things on their own — and then teaching their parents how to handle it with the younger siblings.

Even if you weren’t the first member of your family to go to college, the application process changes so much between generations that you’re going to have to try to figure out deadlines and tests and fees and processes all on your own. Chances are good you will always be the first to experience homesickness, the first to deal with hormones, the first to move away from home. And really, not having somebody who understands is going to suck a little. Older siblings do best when we find an older cousin, call them up, and hug them tight when you can. Older cousins were our surrogate sibling. They showed us the way

6. Being groomed into the family’s resident Oprah.

(No offense to Mom’s heart-to-hearts, or Dad’s chummy pep talks.) With age comes being a know-it-all, or however that saying goes. But still, you are going to be pro at wresting your way into your sibling’s room when Mom and Dad refuse to cross that barrier, perching yourself on the foot of their bed, and telling your heartbroken, devastated little sibling that this too shall pass. Because it will. (Chances are you survived whatever it is that’s crushing their world, too.) It would be cruel for you to stand idly by and not try to help ease that pain. Besides, that’s your built-in best friend who’s hurting.

7. Honing an unrivaled ability to pass judgment.

Whether it’s the new love interest your little sibling brings home, the music and fashion trends that are gripping their peers, or anything in between, you’re going to have something to say about it. (I grew up on Harry Potter; my sister was raised on Twilight. Neither of us will ever see eye to eye on this, but dear God, I know in my heart of hearts that I am right, and that is all that matters.) As the older sibling, the bar you expect your younger siblings to jump is pretty high and your looks of judgment can be withering — but you do this in the name of teaching them how to have standards.

8. Reliving all of the worst parts of adolescence like a torrid, perpetual Groundhog’s Day.

Whether or not they mean to, younger siblings make their older siblings revisit all of those feelings of puppy love and heartbreak, bad grades and bullying. The scars of adolescence run deep, however, and it’s going to crush any well-meaning older sibling twofold because they might not be over their own pangs and wounds and resentments. Still, misery loves company, and as much as it kills us to see younger siblings suffer, at least now we both know we’re not alone.

9. Dealing with the fact that the expectation for older siblings to settle down is always at a premium.

Older siblings are a lightning rod for that holiday gathering question everyone hates. Nobody ever makes a beeline for the little sibling who’s been dating someone since middle school at holiday parties. It is always the oldest sibling who gets asked, “So, when are you going to have a family of your own?!” After all, they’ve been out in the real world longer (theoretically), they’ve gotten the most experience babysitting their little siblings (theoretically), and they’re the ones who are (theoretically) bound to do everything first all over again. And when your siblings do finally get married and have kids of their own, if you have yet to do this, you’ll still be asked the same question — but now, it will be tinged with pity and that knowing sense that yes, dear, there’s still time for you.

10. Being called “bossy” while younger siblings “assert themselves.”

These are two sides to the same exact coin, but everyone loves an underdog. Not everyone can have the euphemism. This is the cross older siblings have to bear.

11. Doing the grunt work of getting parents to acquiesce to a request.

They would beg for a puppy, for Gushers in the lunchbox, for a playdate… whatever it was, chances are the older sibling had their sights on it for a long time. They’d work at that request like your parents just needed to be worn down — for some reason, every older sibling I’ve ever met is the kind of person who does not take kindly to “no” — and bring in the younger sibling with a well-timed request for the same thing. Usually, your parents were so tired of being asked that they’d crumble at the fear that the second kid was now in on the request, too. (This is how your older sibling taught you about the magic that is teamwork. They were the bad cop. They took that rap for the lil’ good cops everywhere.)

12. Protecting their little siblings fiercely.

This is twofold in that most older siblings learned how to throw a punch in case the younger child ever needed somebody to stand up to a bully for them, but they were also the ones who put two and two together and understood when to protect their younger sibling’s innocence. Older siblings would make their little siblings sing and read stories when their parents got into a fight, or would corner dubious significant others in confrontations worthy of Hollywood rom-com plot twist.

13. Dealing with being the “less cute” kid.

It doesn’t matter who is ostensibly more conventionally attractive — the younger you are, the cuter you’re going to be. (Google “Chris Hemsworth Liam Hemsworth” if you don’t believe me. Go on. I’ll wait.) This begins when the older kid is shunted to the side when the new baby comes into the fold, and it never really leaves. The older child was never the precocious one — after all, they were older and wiser, so any tricks they had up their sleeve were simply attributed to age. Little siblings could get away with murder because they were cute. Do you know how much your older sibling would give for that kind of trump card? All. They would give all.

14. Easing their parents into the unknown world of an empty nest.

After all, they’re the one who are usually given the chance to leave home first. They’re the one who have to deal with those first soul-crushing parental tears about the baby growing up. And while the older sibling doesn’t have to worry about your parents catching empty nest syndrome at your departure — finally, something the younger siblings have to manage on their own! — at least the younger sibling’s room isn’t the one that gets changed into a guest room. At least your bedroom is still the shrine to a younger yesteryear, regardless of how embarrassing that shrine may be.

15. And at the end of the day, usually being the ones who have an indestructible sense of home.

No matter how far they moved, or how much of their own lives and family they’ve crafted for their own, older siblings will always know when to fly home, and how to bumrush a plane counter to do so. They’re the ones who wax most nostalgic on Throwback Thursdays, the ones who do the most elaborate birthday posts, and the ones who scheme big on doing things for Mom and Dad. They might not be there for every holiday, but they will always remember what it feels like to bring the gang back together like no time has passed at all. TC mark

Read more about love, family, and the bond between siblings here.

Surviving-In-Spirit

20 Things I Wish My Mom Already Knew Without Me Having To Tell Her

Posted: 24 Nov 2016 01:00 PM PST

Hiding

1. I took her two nicest cashmere sweaters to college with me.

2. I'm really looking to expand my sexual horizons.

3. I worry about not being as successful as her.

4. There are a bunch of caked hard boogers behind the headboard of my bed from years of wiping them there.

5. I have a radically different view of "binge-drinking" than she does.

6. I'm not actually amazing at everything I do — actually pretty mediocre at most things.

7. At college, I mix my darks and whites and colors all together and DGAF.

8. I spend countless of my "homework" hours scrolling through Tumblr.

9. It's weird when she follows my friends on Instagram.

10. Most days I seriously doubt the value of my college education.

11. I have a yeast infection right now.

12. I'm not crazy about Joni Mitchell.

13. I sometimes (often) doubt that kindness is always the way to succeed in this world.

14. She has a double chin in her facebook profile picture.

15. I try not to call her everyday so as not to annoy her.

16. I love podcasts too.

17. I don't care that much about "that article she just read."

18. Most books I read I still wish she was reading aloud to me.

19. There must always be eggo waffles in the freezer.

20. I like hanging out with her more than most of my friends. TC mark