Thought Catalog

Yelp Reviews Of The 6 Types Of Guys You Meet At A Bar

Posted: 10 Dec 2016 07:00 PM PST

Taylor Davidson
Taylor Davidson

1. Michael, 22

3/5 stars

Time after which you feel drunk enough to give him your number: 2:35am.
Beard: Yes.
Are you into the beard?: No.
Flannel: Yes.
Drink: IPA.
Likelihood of finding him smoking a cigarette outside when the bar closes: Really high.
First guess at his overall personality from this one conversation: One Of Those Guys Who Hasn't Been Told He's Not Funny.

2. Seth, 24

4/5 stars

Hours you're willing to spend talking to him: Until closing time.
Haircut: Perfect.
Sense of humor: Self-deprecating.
Political Correctness: He didn’t ask “No, but like, where are you really from?” after you said you grew up in the midwest.
Why he has 4 stars: He looks like he brought weed with him.
Why he doesn't have 5 stars: His friends are idiots.
Drink: Gin and tonic (but he doesn't drink it out of the straw).

3. Aaron and Nick, look underaged, but probably 20-somethings

1/5 stars each, 2/5 stars total

Hours spent listening to them talk about themselves: 3—not including time spent during your multiple fake bathroom trips.
Are Nick's glasses real?: No.
Do they both check out other girls while talking to you?: Yup.
Drink: Bottled Bud Light.
Why are they rated together?: Aaron and Nick are inseparable wingmen bros to each other—so when you meet them, their introduction sounds like one long name: "Hi, we're AaronandNick.”

4. Wesley, 23

2.5/5 stars

First thing you noticed about him: It was 10pm and he had already sweat through his Brooks Brothers Non-Iron Madison Fit Windowpane Dress Shirt.
How did you know the specific name of his shirt?: He told you immediately.
Drink: Tequila shots, abandoned beers left on the bar.
Conversation topics: Private equity, the last time he was crossfaded, why you should smile more.
Why he doesn’t have 0/5 stars: He put four of his business cards in the fishbowl to win a free happy hour and promised you were invited if he won.

5. Jason, mid-40s

3.5 stars

Do you think he's aware he was in high school when you were born?: Mmh, for sure.
Drink: Whiskey (but he cringes slightly every time he takes a sip).
His go-to pick up line: Something about how you seem like an old soul.
Interests: Rock climbing, reading books about Teddy Roosevelt. End of list.
Positives: Tipped the bartender really well.

6. Luke, early-30s.

3/5 stars

Profession: Wants to do something creative, is currently doing something not creative.
Does he have his own car?: Yes.
Fatal flaw: He’s still using a cracked iPhone 4.
Questionable outfit decision: Wearing his sunglasses on the top of his head despite being inside a dark bar.
Drink: Whatever you’re drinking. TC mark

Move Over ‘Nice Guys’ – Meet The ‘Nice Girl,’ Who Is Never At Fault In Her Relationships

Posted: 10 Dec 2016 06:00 PM PST


Remember the era of the 'Nice guy'? You know the kind I'm talking about.

The self-proclaimed 'Gentleman' of the Internet. The knight in metaphorical armor. The guy who believed that because he was nice to women, they owed him sex. They owed it to him to leave their 'bad-boy' boyfriends and be with him.

Remember how infuriating that guy was?

I bet you do.

But buckle up. Because ladies, we've formed an equally frustrating persona.

The 'Nice Girl' is everywhere these days. And OH BOY does she ever think she's owed things.

Now, let me clear up something simple: There's nothing wrong with being a nice person. We're all more or less raised to show kindness. It's in our basic human nature to have empathy. People who are outwardly cruel are the exception, not the rule.

But there's a difference between someone who is nice, and someone who believes that their niceness means they 'deserve' an absolutely perfect partner who's going to come along and anticipate their every need and want.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the 'Nice Girl.'

The nice girl is never in the wrong. Because she's too nice to be. She concedes to her partner's every request, says 'Yes' when she really means 'No,' refuses to set the boundaries that she needs to keep herself healthy, and then blames the subsequent failure of her relationship on the other party.

Because they should have anticipated her needs. They should have known she meant 'No' when she said 'Sure.' They should have sensed her growing resentment. They should have set and maintained her boundaries for her.

The nice girl is always a victim. She is the first to claim that all of her exes are assholes. She prides herself on always loving more.

But she isn't willing to change anything about the way that she loves. She isn't willing to entertain the idea that real love – the strong, healthy, enduring kind of love – often requires some discomfort.

She doesn't understand that sometimes, love means letting someone know they've crossed a line. She doesn't understand that sometimes, love means setting and maintaining personal boundaries. She doesn't understand that love means communicating her wants and needs honestly and consistently, so that someone else is given the fair chance to meet them.

She thinks that always putting others' needs ahead of her own is love. But in reality, she doesn't put others' needs first at all. What she puts first is her fear of confrontation.

She's willing to sacrifice anything except the vision she has of herself in her mind as morally flawless. She's willing to do almost anything but be honest in the moments when it's hardest to be. And unfortunately, those are the moments that matter the most when it comes to making a relationship work.

The truth about the 'nice' girl is that she will never love you more than she loves her own ego. She thinks of herself as a delicate flower, whose heart is always getting taken advantage of by vicious, toxic others. She genuinely can't figure out why it keeps happening. After all, it can't be her fault. She's nice.

But the truth is, her definition of 'niceness' relates only to the kind of niceness that she's comfortable with.

Because a crucial component of real niceness is honesty. Even if that honesty's uncomfortable.

Saying things are fine when they're not isn't nice. Secretly resenting your partner for something but not discussing it with them isn't nice. Being unhappy or unfulfilled in a relationship but keeping those feelings to yourself, letting your partner think that everything is well and good between you, is downright unkind.

Because that's basing your relationship on dishonesty. That's setting your partner up for a failure. That is deliberately creating a condition that takes your needs off of the table, and then internally blaming your partner when those needs go unmet.

There is nothing nice about being a doormat. There is nothing nice about lying about what you need or want. There is nothing nice about giving only because you expect to receive.

These are not traits of 'niceness,' but of low self-esteem.

The truth about the 'nice' girl is that she doesn't stand up for herself in a relationship because she hinges her entire sense of self-worth on being loved by her partner.

And if she stands up for herself, she may lose them.

So she pushes her own needs down, places her entire sense of self-worth on her partner's shoulders, and calls it niceness.

But that's not niceness at all. That's projection. That's the absolution of her responsibility to foster self-love. And that's exactly what the nice girl needs to do.

Instead of looking towards her partners to provide her with affirmation, the nice girl needs to learn to affirm herself. To love herself. To be nice to herself.

Nice enough to stand up for what she actually needs.

Because unless and until she does so, the 'nice girl' will continue to create a string of toxic relationships, in which she pushes down her needs, communicates dishonestly with her partner and yet genuinely believes that she is never at fault.

And honestly? At the end of the day, that's just not very nice. TC mark

Let Me Touch You In All The Places

Posted: 10 Dec 2016 05:00 PM PST


Let me touch you
in the places where forgiveness lives

on the temple
on the shoulder
on the chest

Let me caress the curves
of your compassion
Let my fingers glide
up the hills and
down the valleys
of your calm

Say my name and that you love me
in that downy voice that spills
from that mouth

that mouth

I want to kiss, yes
let me kiss you

in the garden where wisdom grows

on your backbone
on your lips
on your toes

Let me woo the well
of your intelligence
Let my tongue explore
all the highways and
the byways
of your wit

Tell me the stories of the scars
that are written in rough hieroglyph
on your body

your body

that I want to hold, yes
let me embrace you

in the womb where love is born

in thighs and ankles
around the waist
and in the eyes TC mark

Maybe Love Is About Letting The Little Things Go

Posted: 10 Dec 2016 04:00 PM PST

Corinne Kutz
Corinne Kutz

Oh how the little irritations of someone else's habits can multiply and spread like a virus in the petri dish of our relationships: My boyfriend squeezes the tube of toothpaste from the middle! My girlfriend leaves her toenail trimmings in the sink! Why can't she close the garage door? Does he always have to watch the game at high volume? Aaargh! I can't take his choice of pants anymore! If she texts in the middle of our conversation one more time, we're done!

Time to start caring less. Yes, I'm arguing the fundamental glue that holds our relationships together—how much we care about each other—can and should be dialed back so we can enjoy longer, more intimate, more fabulous time together. At least, we should care a lot less about the small stuff. Let's put irritation in perspective.

I stopped at three a.m. on a lonely, secluded highway in Iowa a few years back to stretch my legs. As soon as I stepped out of the car, a tumult of stars assaulted me. I felt as if the sky was tumbling on top of me—I put my hands above my head as a reflex. All around me, darkness: only the intense, present, pressing stars and their light.

I could see the outlines of the Milky Way! Being from the city, I had forgotten just how magnificent our galaxy looks from the vantage point of a deserted, dark highway. Carl Sagan was right: just outside our apartment, next to where we work, even as we sit beach side with a margarita, billions and billions of stars, billions and billions of galaxies just like ours, and trillions and trillions of planets swirl in a cosmic panoply so massive we are not even grains of sand: we are grains of sand on a grain of sand.

I felt a rush of generosity and patience.

The sublimity of the stars, and my miniscule place in them, did not make me feel small but grateful. I felt a rush of joy for the miracle of being alive and the great fortune of being a part of such magnificence.

My back didn't hurt. I didn't mind the crack in the windshield which had been irritating me the entire trip. I realized my smallness made me special.

Back in the car, I called my wife to tell her I loved her. She didn't like being roused from dreams but was kind back to me.

Our universe, by most estimates, is 16.5 billion years old. Billion. The Milky Way: a youngster at about 13.2 Billion. The earth is a relative newcomer, celebrating a 4.5 billion year anniversary. The dinosaurs died out about 65 million years ago. The Antarctic Sponge can live about 1550 years. The Ocean Quahog, a delicious clam, can live for more than 400 years if not harvested for dinner. Bowhead whales live longer than 200 years. The average human gets about 70. The average human romantic relationship? About two years.

In the grand scheme of the universe, little annoyances are rather insignificant.

Toenail clippings and crimped toothpaste tubes are really not that big of a deal Muddy shoes, a ding on the credit card, a few extra minutes before you leave for dinner: dandelion fluff you can throw onto the breeze of time and forget about in less time than you take to forgive, smile, and say, "I love you!"

The next time you feel peeved, when the irritation starts to rise, when you absolutely must say something about the stack of newspapers in the corner, take a deep breath. We are miracles: in so massive and astonishing a universe, we have a place.

Remember the dinosaurs. Consider the stars, that magnificent array of eternity hovering above us, and spread a little of the joy of just being alive to everyone near you. TC mark

How To Find Contentment In A Culture Of ‘Never Enough’

Posted: 10 Dec 2016 03:00 PM PST

Unsplash / Eli DeFaria
Unsplash / Eli DeFaria

I'm not accustomed to drought, but in California the "wet stuff" hasn't fallen enough. It's a record, I believe. The signs are everywhere. Literally. Those annoying electronic construction boards usually reserved for road projects now find themselves positioned in the median of most major highways. Every sign flashes the same words, "Conserve water. Do not water lawn. Fees will apply."

Though I'm not accustomed to a lack of rain, on another level I'm very much familiar with droughts.

We live in a culture of lack, and the signs are everywhere. Every sign flashes the same words, "You're not enough. You could do more. Something's wrong with you."

For me, the signs are more like voices, loud, consistent, authoritative voices. In the morning, the voices whisper, "You didn't get enough sleep. You didn't spend enough time with your wife last night." As I shut it down in the afternoon, the voices say, "You could have accomplished more at work today." At home, the voices say, "You don't have what it takes to be a great parent or husband."

I'm not the only one who struggles with drought, I'm afraid. As a pastor for five years, I listened to more than a few people share stories of shame and bitterness, regret and self-loathing, anxiety and depression.

Let's be honest, most of us need the floodgates of contentment and peace to open and give our drought-ridden hearts some relief.

There's good news, I believe. God loves contentment and never struggles with lack. Contentment is absolutely attainable, in other words.

The path isn't easy. Discontentment is a long-used blueprint for Satan. You could argue it is the original sin. In the garden, God gives Adam and Eve everything, except one tree. Rather than resting in what they have (eternal communion with God and creation), Satan comes along, and instead they focus on the one thing they lack. What I'm trying to say is Satan knows the power of lack.

But God never lacks, and Love is more powerful than evil. So, let's start here, by believing contentment is more than possible. It's inevitable for those who choose to walk its path.

Before we dive into the nuts and bolts of the post, let's gives contentment some flesh and bones. Because lack and "never enough" are associated with discontentment, it's logical to assume abundance and contentment are runnin' buddies. Not so much.

"Abundance and scarcity are two sides of the same coin,"

says Brene Brown.

"The opposite of 'never enough' isn't abundance…the opposite of scarcity is enough, or…Wholeheartedness."

Her book Daring Greatly is enlightening and transformative. Pick it up.

Contentment is a steady assurance that who you are right now is enough. It is courageous, brave, and almost always vulnerable. Contentment is an active pursuit of worthiness and meaning. Contentment chooses love over fear, hope over despair.

That's contentment in a big, broad nutshell.

So, practically speaking, how do we push back against a culture of lack and "never enough"? Here are a few suggestions.

1. Trade in perfectionism for good enough.

If excellence is a medication, perfectionism is the unhealthy use of the medication. Perfectionism is addiction to excellence, refusing to let good enough be good enough. Perfectionists believe one more hour of work would be enough. They say things like, "If my spouse changed this, we would get along much better." But if and when the change comes, the relational friction doesn't.

Perfectionism says, "If you're perfect, you can avoid the crappy part of life." Stuff like failure, rejection, and the like. This isn't true, of course.

Contentment values excellence. But when the work day is over, contentment says work is over. When a friend wants to come over on a whim, contentment doesn't pee its pants because the house looks like a war zone. Contentment says do the best you can. After that, good enough is good enough.

2. Find a community, and share your life with them.

I'm an American. Individualism is wired into my being. I want to believe I'm okay. Whatever happens, I can get through it fine on my own, thank you.

But contentment, like most eternal virtues, finds life in community. If you're a Christian, this shouldn't be breaking news, but humans are wired for connection. If you're involved in a life-giving community, you know this is right.

Seasons when I'm closest to God and prioritize what matters, I'm plugged into community. For me, this community flows from my church. It's a small collection of folks who know one another on a heart level. It's a place where walls aren't allowed and vulnerability is the air we breathe.

Don't expect to find contentment as a lone ranger. No man is an island.

3. Stop grasping for control of the things you can't control.

This week, a young man at my alma mater was shot and killed. He was involved in a robbery gone bad, apparently. My sister-in-law knew this guy, even dated him a few times. He was smart. His future was bright. But with one click, the light was extinguished.

As a father of two boys, stories like this bring a flood of emotions. I can't imagine how any parent copes with such a tragedy. I'm suddenly reminded how fragile this life is. What if this happened to my boys?

Whether you're a parent or not, you must accept that some things are beyond your control. There was nothing this young man's parents could have done to prevent their son's death. Nothing. Something senseless could happen to anyone in my family at any moment as well.

Discontentment, however, wants you to believe you can control life. Discontentment wants you to live in fear and swim in a sea of "what if" scenarios.

To find contentment, you must accept what ancient philosophers call the "tragic sense of life." Life is a wild bull you will never tame. Spend your time and energy enjoying the moment you have with the people you love doing work that gives you meaning.

4. Practice gratitude every day. Shoot, do it every hour.

Brene Brown says, "If the opposite of scarcity is enough, then practicing gratitude is how we acknowledge that there's enough and that we're enough."

Gratitude is about perspective as much as action.

Gratitude focuses on what it has, not what it lacks. But, unfortunately, this doesn't come natural. For some strange reason, we prefer to focus on what's missing, what we fear, whose to blame, etc. Neuroscience has now proven that negative thoughts stick to our nerves like Velcro while positive thinking and gratitude slide off those same nerves like Teflon. Unless you focus on something positive for at least 15 seconds, the positive thought won't stick.

Practically, for me, this looks like taking 5–10 minutes every morning to write down the things I'm thankful for. It's a daily reminder of what I have. Maybe this works for you, maybe not. But find something that does, some way to focus on what you have.

Your contentment depends on it.

5. Stop the negative self-talk.

Negative self-talk is a popular defense strategy against shame, failure, and weakness. It's also an impenetrable wall between you and contentment.

Self-defeating, "You suck" thoughts flooded my mind for years. I was my own worst critic. More than that, I was my own worst enemy. Here's the reality. I don't suck. Neither do you. You're not awful. Your mistakes don't define you.

Don't avoid reality. If you mess up, for instance, admit it and apologize. Learn from it, and move on.

This is the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt focuses on the results of your actions. Shame focuses on the identity of the person committing the actions.

If you're a Christian, I believe your picture of God shapes your level of negativity self-talk. If God is an angry old man, waiting to whack you with his cane when you mess up, shame will plague you. If, however, you believe God loves you, that He is for you, the old man with a cane becomes a loving father with an outstretched hand.

6. Protect your integrity with clearly-defined boundaries.

Contentment asks you to listen to your heart, not the demands around you. People with clear boundaries, who know themselves well, would never choose people-pleasing or a fun time over their values. Content people are okay with saying "No."

Unfortunately, I believe too much discontentment, even in Christian culture, results from people who sacrifice their integrity to feel needed.

Your integrity matters. It's fertilizer to the seed of contentment. Protect yours.

The road to contentment isn't easy, but the reward is more than worth the struggle. If your heart is dry from "never enough" thinking, I hope and pray these practical tips sprinkle some contentment on your life. TC mark

When My Therapist Asks Why I Stop Before Killing Myself, I List These 31 Reasons

Posted: 10 Dec 2016 02:00 PM PST


1. Because I haven’t finished losing all 20 of the pounds yet, and I deserve to be seen at my fittest.

2. I ordered a bunch of Christmas presents on Amazon and they haven’t been delivered yet so I’d like to wait so I can at least wrap them.

3. I don’t trust other people to schedule things on social media.

4. I still have some emails that need answering and not answering them seems pretty rude.

5. Because who would feed my dog in the morning? Or take her for walks at dusk which is her all time favorite? Or apologize to strangers on the sidewalk for her behavior by reassuring them that “she just has a LOT of feelings”? Or snuggle her at night? Or scratch her behind the ears in just the right spot so she can wrap her paw around your arm? Or love her as much as I do?

6. I really need to finish cleaning my apartment and I’d rather have the place spick and span if people are to be entering it without me.

7. I need to clear my Google search history. Like, more than I need to clean my apartment.

8. Because wine exists. And drinking wine with my best friends exists. And talking with them about life and the shittiness and the overwhelming factors of it all exists. And I never want to miss out on that.

9. Because I want to fall in love again to prove myself wrong.

10. I’ve still never used a chapstick up in its entirety, and I frankly want to see if it’s even possible.

11. I still haven’t dyed my hair a proper pastel pink, and I feel like I owe that to myself.

12. Because I don’t ever want to be the reason my best friend to had to sing at a funeral he wasn’t prepared for.

13. Because when my grandma passed away unexpectedly this summer, it almost broke my mom. Hearing her cry on the phone was one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever experienced, and I would never want to be the cause of something like that.

14. Because I don’t know what my dad would do. And I wouldn’t want to disappoint him. Or let him down. Or hurt him. And so I need to remember be strong like he raised me to be.

15. Because I have about 9 and a half unfinished drafts of pieces and that’s embarrassing so I should at least finish them first.

16. Because the fifth Fantastic Beasts won’t be out until I’m like, 40, and I want to know how they turn out.

17. Because the last person I was in love with voted for Trump, so it really has to get better.

18. Because the next person who I’m going to kiss is still out there. And maybe time is going to stop, and I’ll feel electricity between us, and my heart will stop racing for a second, and my mind will be quiet for the first time in forever. And that’s going to be worth it.

19. Because orca whales are a thing. Think about it. These giant, majestic, sympathetic, curious animals that have literally been hunted to point of almost ceasing to exist are still on this planet. They represent an element of unobtainability and an overarching sense of survival and if they can keep going, even when being pursued and misunderstood by creatures cognizant enough to know better, I probably can too.

20. Because I want to finish writing my book. And I want to see it be published. And I want to hold it in my hands and be able to say, “I did it.”

21. Because a couple of my tattoos REALLY need to get touched up, so that should probably happen.

22. Because when I think about things like hope, fate, second (or third, or fourth, or seventeenth) chances, happiness, peace, contentment, joy, success, satiation, and anything else you can flip to in a thesaurus – I want to feel it. I want to experience it. And maybe I just have to get through today and all of the adjectives I don’t find as enticing in order to truly appreciate it.

23. Because I still don’t sleep 8 hours a night. And it’d be nice to know what that’s like.

24. I haven’t shaved my legs in approximately two weeks, so that should probably be on the agenda.

25. And also my armpits.

26. Because I know that I owe it to others to do better.

27. Because I know that I owe it to myself to try and be better.

28. I’ve finally kept a bunch of plants alive, and I’d like to keep the trend going.

29. I think I can be really happy. Not just sporadically happy. But consistently. And healthily. And genuinely. And it’d be nice to say, “I told you so,” to myself.

30. There’s so much I haven’t learned, so much I haven’t tried, so many places I haven’t gone, so many people I haven’t talked to, so many things I haven’t written, and I want to feel like things are complete. I want to feel whole. And I have to finish things and do things in order to get there.

31. Because tomorrow I might have a number 32. TC mark

9 Women You Can Expect On Nick Viall’s Season Of ‘The Bachelor’

Posted: 10 Dec 2016 10:00 AM PST


Before we dive in, YES, it’s true. I auditioned for the upcoming season of The Bachelor. It now marks my second time auditioning (SHUT UP). But like, the first time wasn’t really serious.

As soon as I heard it was Nick though?! I was suddenly magically in the gym a lot more than usual and practicing my “I’m genuinely looking for love” answers for my audition tape. With the exception of Wells, I’ve never found a Bachelor nation dude that attractive. I mean, sure, maybe objectively. But nah, not an I’D-WANNA-BONE-HIM-TILL-DEATH-DO-US-PART kinda way.

So, I put together a haphazard video and hoped my career as a journalist tattle-tale wouldn’t be a deal-breaker.

Spoiler: I wasn’t picked. And honestly, I can’t for the life of me figure out why.


Alas, I must lick my wounds clean and prepare for a season of other women (WHO PROBABLY WON’T LOVE HIM LIKE I WOULD) vying for his affection.

[Deep breaths, Eastman. You can do this.]

Bachelor nation tends to give a pretty predictable cast. The villain. The underdog. The obvious winner. I assume this season will be no different. Here are just a few I’m guessing we’ll see.

1. The single mother.

Always a single mother. The Bachelor usually pretends he’s interested because that shows his ~*~sensitive~*~* side. He loves kids! Seriously, he looooves them. Will still cut her before the final three though.

2. The borderline alcoholic.

She gets WAAAYYY too drunk right away. And if she manages to stay past the first night, continues getting plastered. The good news is if she sticks around long enough, her Instagram advertisements will probably be able to pay for rehab.

3. The one who somehow got approved by casting.

Honestly? I was hoping to be this one. She’s ALWAYS weird. Like, really weird. And not cute, girl-next-door weird. Just…weird. Sure, could be editing. But more fun to think it’s all real, right? Reality shows are always real, right?

4. The sweetheart.

We all love her. She’s beautiful, kind, has a Disney princess smile. It would be aggravating if she wasn’t so damn lovable. But she’s great. And we’re rooting for her.

5. The villain.

We hate her. She’s probably a nice girl. However, the editors make her America’s worst nightmare. Sorry, girl!

6. The cool girl.

BOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WE GET IT. You’re cool. Effortlessly so. All of your best friends are dudes. You have a six pack despite drinking beer every night. Good for you.

7. The brunette.

Nick seems to be into brunettes so I’m thinking they MIGHT show up a little more heavily than usual. But guaranteed, you’ll find a brunette amongst a blonde sea. Swim baby, swim.

8. The vixen.

She’s insanely sexy and will probably have sex with Nick before the fantasy suite. Which, I can’t blame her. I’d jump his bones night one. Get it, girl.

9. The good girl.

It actually sincerely bothers me that this is still an archetype The Bachelor casts. But whatever, gotta keep middle America happy, I guess.

I’m sure there will be amazing girls this season. Girls I will inevitably follow on Instagram (congrats on future Sugar Bear Hair Vitamins ads!). Some will cry. Some will laugh. Some will cry and laugh. Some will have such amazing abs that make me wanna kill myself. Hahaha, I’m fine.

Just remember, there’s only one Ari Eastman. And she wasn’t cast this year. But bitch, she’s here. SHE’S HERE.

Sincerely hope you found everlasting love, Nick. If not, I’m probably still single. Call me. TC mark

Notes Found On My iPhone After The Summer Of Doing Dope

Posted: 10 Dec 2016 09:00 AM PST

Bart Scholliers
Bart Scholliers

Sleep walking every day now.


You can't get off on a ride like this.
Fine by me.


Found the dog of my dreams
in the gutter next to an epiphany —
This sensation is all I'll ever need.


I like it so goddamn much
and that's perhaps
why I should stop.


I want to die feeling like this.


I've got charcoal lungs
and everything I breathe
tastes china white.


I am surviving off borrowed time and loose plans.


Heroin makes me want to pop
off my head like a wine cork goes.


This is better than being in love. TC mark

82 Generic White Girls You Definitely Went To College With

Posted: 10 Dec 2016 08:00 AM PST


1. Caitlyn: Was somehow still able to do homework at 2:30 AM despite being completely blitzed from doing kamikaze shots. And she got good grades on those drunk papers too, somehow.

2. Danielle: Insisted that everyone called her “DAHnielle” not “DANielle” after her semester abroad.

3. Sara (no H): Always had weed. Would always smoke you out.

4. Becca: Got an infinity tattoo and decided to take a year off after graduating to “find herself.” Her instagram is filled with waterfall shots and you are lowkey jealous.

5. Hannah: Is in a really committed relationship with her S/O from senior year. Doesn’t really care about the institution of marriage though, which confuses people.

6. Whitney: Blonde. Hot. Would get lost walking down the grocery aisle if someone wasn’t with her.

7. Alyssa: She was wildly underestimated because she was s-t-u-n-n-i-n-g but the second she opened her mouth in Philosophy class she shut everyone the fuck up.

8. Sam: Wore a lot of backwards caps that she stole from guys she hooked up with.

9. Samantha: Hardly hooked up with anyone and once asked you if you could get pregnant from anal.

10. Brynn: She knitted a lot of headbands in her free time. She now sells them on etsy.

11. Morgan: Somehow spoke four languages despite growing up in Indiana.

12. Rachel: Would never let up about you rushing her sorority even though you were a super senior.

13. Lindsay: You have a faint memory of her almost fighting a bartender. But it doesn’t matter because in that faint memory, she also absolutely won.

14. Tricia: Was always the girl crying in the bathroom during house parties.

15. Kalin: Got really into yoga junior year and decided to “namaste” her way to success.

16. Hailey: Her dad paid her rent. He probably still does.

17. Tabitha: You were always slightly nervous that your boyfriend was going to ask you to do a threesome with her.

18. Britt: Exclusively drank Coors Light and was always trying to get you to go camping even though no one had ANY camping gear.

19. Sarah (with an H): Her Southern accent would always start to creep out when she got a liiiiiiiitle too drunk.

20. Bella: Did not want to hear your Twilight jokes.

21. Addison: Was too perfect. You had to unfriend her on Facebook because her life made you feel like a garbage pail.

22. Jenni: Stopped shaving her armpits and would lecture you about the philosophy of why whenever she got the chance.

23. Eliza: Figured out how to Group Text and would never stop talking about projects and school in said Group Text.

24. Taylor: Lived exclusively off of Dominos and Starbucks and somehow was still a size 2.

25. Alexa: Pierced her own nose on a dare Freshman year in the dorms. Is now verified on Twitter and has a job that’s cooler than yours.

26. Olivia: Had a really cool off campus apartment. Was always down for you to crash there.

27. Bailey: Painfully adorable. Everyone always wanted to ‘mom’ her.

28. Katherine: Was always the DD.

29. Cristina: Is a one-woman Sephora. The first person to teach you how to fill in your eyebrows properly and you’ll never be able to repay her.

30. Jessica: Was always asking you to go work out at the rec center with her but you didn’t want to feel worse about yourself so you turned her down basically every time.

31. Jess: Started a Go Fund Me to afford to go to Coachella.

32. Katie: Showed up uninvited to every event. She always managed to just show up everywhere, even though no one knew how she knew about the party or whatever.

33. Chloe: Drank a lot of green tea. Ended up transferring schools because “her heart just told her to.”

34. Kirsten: Was always correcting TAs who called her “Kristen.”

35. Kristen: Never showed up to class.

36. Lily: You guys made out once at a frat party and frankly, it was kind of fun.

37. Emily: Somehow looked hot in three day eyeliner and a dirty messy bun.

38. Callie: Had a boyfriend who stayed in her hometown and they did the long distance game. She ended up pacing outside out of parties yelling, “Don’t you TRUST me?!” into her phone a lot.

39. Nicole: Was actually one of those people who played college soccer. You never went to any of her games.

40. Lauren: Took great notes and was always down to let you copy them.

41. Allyson: Threw up in your car. Didn’t help clean it up.

42. Jenna: Was engaged for most of college but they were waiting “until graduation” to actually tie the knot.

43. Nikki: Was very prone to property damage when she was drunk.

44. Mary-Beth: Hooked up with a 40 year-old non-traditional student your Freshman year and swore everyone to secrecy about it despite getting instantly dickmatized.

45. Amy: You always kind of forgot about Amy, and then after hanging out with her would look at your best friend and be like, “She’s so fun, why don’t we hang out with her more often?!” but then would never text her. And so the cycle would continue.

46. Melissa: Was really, really concerned with being interesting but tragically was not really all that interesting.

47. Shelby: Incomparably cool. You befriended her in an effort to keep her on your side because otherwise, you would have become enemies and you would have LOST.

48. Erin: You’re pretty prepared for the day when Erin ends up interviewing you for a job because she was always kind of a boss.

49. Jaqueline: Spent a solid 63% of her time in the library. She would have handwritten her papers if the profs would’ve allowed it.

50. Laura: Was really into bizarre things like German club and Fencing and you never fully got why.

51. Brianna: Never failed to show up with at least 3 bottles of something to every house party.

52. Quinn: Was really cool about it when you ended up dating her ex.

53. Jenn: Played Rugby. Was incredibly hardcore about it. She’s the girl who tried to break a Nalgene to see if it was actually possible and then DID it.

54. Alex: Was always trying to explain to you about sexual fluidity at really inopportune times.

55. Alexandra: Worked some sort of waitress job and didn’t bat an eye about letting you eat there for free when you were embarrassingly broke.

56. Marisa: Was always mediating a fight between SOMEONE.

57. Audrey: Tried stripping at amateur night once when she was little past buzzed. It didn’t go great.

58. Zoey: Cut bangs every Fall and then whined about them growing out all Summer only to do it again come September.

59. Molly: Ridiciulously cool. Introduced you to a lot of your now favorite music and somehow always had tickets to EVERYTHING.

60. Claire: You knew she hated you. Your boyfriend knew she hated you. The professors knew she hated you. The bartender at the bar everyone went to knew she hated you. (Claire really, really hated you.)

61. Abby: Was dead-set on finding a husband by graduation.

62. Courtney: Was only your friend when you had something she wanted. Like Adderall. Or your best guy-friend.

63. Tina: Full of good advice. She was (and is) your go-to for a tough love pep talk.

64. Jillian: Had the craziest stories and will very likely have a best-selling memoir one day.

65. Kimberly: Was pre-accepted to a graduate program and it was all she could talk about.

66. Kim: Didn’t judge you for drinking on Mondays because she was right there next to you.

67. Lizzie: Let you drink underage at her house all the time and hid you in a closet once when the cops came.

68. Kasey: Used to protest all the time and you always felt guilty for being too lazy to go with her.

69. Shannon: Would never stfu about how she was accepted at Yale but didn’t go so she could have a “normal college experience.”

70. Holly: Had no problem with it when you asked her to check if something was an STD or an ingrown hair.

71. Kara: Always made sure whoever was too drunk was sleeping on their side and had water and aspirin by their bed for the next morning. Aka: an actual angel.

72. Amanda: Judged everyone for all of their stupid mistakes, but then got an MIP for blowing over due to too much mouthwash (and superiority).

73. Chrissy: Was smarter than your teachers but didn’t really have to try. She knew it. They knew it. It was fine.

74. Lucy: Cooler than you. Still is.

75. Shawna: Didn’t drink or do drugs but was always still at EVERY rave or whatever because “she just really loves dancing!!!!”

76. Leah: Had a dog. Let you puppy-sit.

77. Ali: Taught you how to make a Slut Bag for the nights when you wanted to go out and get some.

78. Ashley: Frequently would prove that she could still do the splits in the hallway/doorways of the dorms. Didn’t realize no one cared.

79. Anna: Graduated early. You never heard from her again.

80. Maria: Got incredibly socially conscious after graduation and now constantly posts things on Instagram about global warming, the patriarchy, and animal rights. You ignore a lot of the things she tags you in.

81. Izzy: Total lightweight. Slept in your bathroom a lot (aka: anytime she drank).

82. Destiny: Probably voted for Trump. TC mark

If He Doesn’t Respect You, He Doesn’t Love You

Posted: 10 Dec 2016 07:00 AM PST

Franca Gimenez
Franca Gimenez

Sweet girl, I know it looks like he loves you. And maybe, in some kind of way, he believes he does. Perhaps you make him feels things others haven't. Perhaps in his mind, you make him really happy. Perhaps on his best days, he thinks he only wants you for the rest of his life. I know you live for those days- the ones where it feels like it is just you and him, and the outside world just disappears. The days he holds your hand and you share laughter and kisses on a couch and you think "nothing in the world could be better than this." I know you live for those moments because my god, it seems so obvious that he loves you.

But then, there are the other days. The ones where you express the way you are feeling about a particular issue, and he belittles you, making you feel inferior as he expresses his own opinion. The days where you are trying to have a conversation with him, but his eyes and his mind are focused somewhere else. The days where you notice a flirty text appear on his phone yet again, and when you express your concern about it, he dismisses you- as if you are somehow the bad guy to assume he would ever be unfaithful to you. The days where he asks you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, and you tell him no, he makes you feel guilty or continues to push you to change your mind until you cave in. Those days seem to appear more often than you want to admit, but you push them down. You try to block them out of your mind, hoping that tomorrow is one of the good ones, one of the days where you know he loves you.

Darling, listen to me- if he doesn't respect you, he doesn't love you.

To respect someone is to listen to their opinions and see them as valid, even if you disagree. It's to listen when a person says no, and to accept that. It's to take into account a person's feelings in your own thoughts and actions, and choosing to not do the things things that will hurt them. It's choosing to listen when you don't always want to. It's choosing to stay faithful to the person you've openly committed to, because you promised that you would.

Yet all too often, in the search for love, we allow other things to slip on the backburner.

We are told that love is compromise, and it truly is. Yet we tend to compromise the wrong things because we are so hopeful that this person right in front of us is the right one.

So we take it in stride and we bite our tongues when they make us feel less than we really are. We consistently lay ourselves down and set aside red flags because they love us, or at least it appears that way. In some hollow, every-now-and-again, when it's convenient kind of way.

But let me tell you, that is not love. You deserve his respect just as much as you deserve his love, if not even more so. You are such an incredible woman- filled with dreams and kindness and power beyond anyone's wildest dreams. You are more than worthy of respect, especially if you are so devoted to him and would do just about anything for him- and I know you would. You don't deserve to only feel loved and respected on a handful of days, only to have to build yourself back up after he's torn you down on all the others. My god, you beautiful girl, you are worth so much more than that. You are worth mountains being moved and rivers being crossed just to be with you. You are worth loyalty and attention and compassion, worth devotion that exceeds anything you've ever known.

So don't sacrifice yourself, your self-worth, your sanity, and your respect, all in the name of holding onto someone who seems to love you only sometimes.

Know you are worth his respect, just as much as you are worth love. Please stop believing you have to sacrifice one to get the other. Know that there is a difference between someone who truly loves you, and someone who only appears to.

Please, start respecting yourself enough to know the difference. TC mark