Thought Catalog


Here’s Exactly How I Got My ‘Nice’ Boyfriend To Take Charge In Bed

Posted: 12 Dec 2016 08:00 PM PST

Thought.is
Thought.is

There was something different about Tommy. When we were together in bed, it was like being with your clone in the sexiest way it's possible to imagine that scenario. I was used to being the soft one — the affectionate giver who derives a kind of totally relaxing joy from making the object of her love feel good. Tommy was the first guy who was right there with me on this front.

When spent the night together we rarely went to bed before the sun came up. There was too much to be done. Too much touching, too much pleasuring, too many times we needed to press our mouths to each other and stop to inhale the scent of someone we loved being with.

This was all new and great, but we spent months together during which I never felt that animal heat that you're supposed to feel for a man. We were too slow and too available to each other for me to ever experience the ohmygodiwanthimrightthefucknow that had defined all my past sexual relationships. This one felt healthier, better, safer — but I was worried I'd have to trade in excitement for it, and I wasn't sure that was a price I was willing to pay.

I'll be the first to say that while we were more comfortable with each other and more alike than most couples, our communication wasn't that great. We're both accommodating and laid back to a fault, so I wasn't just going to approach him and say "I'm worried our sex life isn't hot and dirty enough". Besides, the worst thing you can do about not mind-blowing sex is have a conversation about the not mind-blowing sex. I came up with a plan to fix it myself instead.

Step one

First of all, I needed to make him completely comfortable with every animal urge he had. I became extra cognizant of not turning him down when the urge to hook up struck. Blow jobs became a kind of whenever, wherever thing, as I made it clear I was always down. (And to anyone who worries this isn't very feminist, I think it's fundamentally toxic to keep score about who's getting who off more, but yes — he got me off good and regularly and I was completely satisfied with the reciprocity on that front).

One night when he came over I made sure all my curtains were pulled and lit an obscene amount of candles. I lived in an apartment building surrounded by a lot of other apartment buildings and with nothing blocking my giant windows at night, you could see right in when there was enough light (hence the candles). I thought this was give us an extra edge when we inevitably started getting handsy in the middle of our movie. After a few minutes of touching and kissing I straddled him, pulled off my shirt and let him enjoy the fact that anyone paying attention in the building across the way was now treated to a nice view of his face buried in my boobs.

That felt primal. I could tell it woke something up in him a bit. Soon he flipped me on my back, removed my pants, and was eating me out in full view of the neighbors.

Step two

Second of all, I made sure I expressed extra excitement in situations in which he was in control. This was easy, all I was doing was being more transparent about my organic emotions. For instance, I'd try to work it out so I'd be giving him head while he was standing or sitting, versus both of us being in bed. I sent him text messages about how I thought about his cock while I got myself off. I low key made him feel worshipped for his body.

Step three

Third, I showed him what I wanted.

I grabbed fistfulls of his hair when I kissed him. When I went down on him I worked to get to that place where he was almost sliding into my throat, and I could feel how that excited him. I'd put his hands on my head and encourage him to play with my hair and soon he was pulling my hair where he wanted me and using his hips to pump himself into my mouth with a self-assurance that I'm sure made me feel more wet than normal.

This is where things really started to click into place.

Tommy was more vibrant, more assertive, more masculine. He came on to me all the time which made me feel sexy and desired. Good as our sex life has always been, we both felt more alive in it now. The electricity that had been lacking was taking over. Every time we touched, there was a spark that said Ineedyoutofuckme.

This is what I needed to have happen. I realized it wasn't the rough sex of past relationships that I missed, it was that specific feeling of being with someone who had to have me. The occasional knowledge that he was so into me he was abandoning social norms and pretense because the urge was so overwhelming he was far past the point of caring. That intoxicating feeling of having the power to drive someone wild is what makes the world go 'round.

I'm most satisfied in my partner when they are most satisfied with me. The work I needed to do was just to make the manifestations of that satisfaction a bit louder. With more punctuation. Screams instead of murmurs, at least once in awhile. TC mark

21 Perfectly Good Reasons To Dump Your S/O (As Told By The People Who Did)

Posted: 12 Dec 2016 07:00 PM PST

35 Dirty Christmas Jokes That Will Help You Get Through The Holidays

Posted: 12 Dec 2016 06:32 PM PST

Daniella Urdinlaiz
Daniella Urdinlaiz

1. Why does Santa always come through the chimney?

Because he knows better than to try the back door.

2. Why was the snowman smiling?

He could see the snowblower coming down the street.

3. What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?

Their balls are purely ornamental.

4. Why is Santa so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

5. What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out on his sleigh?

They go into town and blow more than a few bucks.

6. What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

7. Why doesn’t Santa have kids of his own?

He only comes once a year,

8. Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store?

He was desperate for some holiday spirit.

9. What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.

10. Dreaming of a white Christmas?

Just jingle my balls, baby.

11. Why did the Snowman want a divorce?

Because his wife was a total flake.

12. Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?

Because her husband only comes once a year.

13. Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa.

14. What do three hos get you?

One very jolly Santa.

15. How does Santa stay STD free?

He always wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.

16. What's the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?

When he gets a sweater, but he's hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

17. What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?

Whatever the hell you want. He can’t hear you.

18. I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come…

Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

19. Why does Santa go to strip clubs?

To visit all his ho ho ho’s.

20. Is your name Jingle Bells?

Cause you look ready to go all the way.

21. Wanna see the North Pole?

That's what Mrs. Claus calls it…

22. Say your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas…

Can I visit between the holidays?

23. Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?

He refused to let go of all those irritating ho’s.

24. Boy: Are you Christmas? ‘Cause I wanna merry you!

Girl: Are you Hall? Cause I wanna deck The Hall.

25. How is Christmas just like any other day at the office?

You do a bunch of work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

26. So my girlfriend wanted a white Christmas…

But when I came on her face that morning, she didn't even thank me.

27. You know, that’s not a candy cane in my pocket…

I'm just THAT happy to see you.

28. What do a train set and your wife's boobs have in common?

They were both made for kids but dads can't help playing with them.

29. How do snowmen make babies?

Snowballs, of course.

30. What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?

Crisp Cringle.

31. What do you call a girl who cheats on you during the holidays?

A ho ho ho bag.

32. Why does Santa always land on your roof?

Because he likes it on top.

33. What does The Grinch do with a baseball bat?

Hits a gnome and runs.

34. What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate clauses.

35. Christmas is so stupid…

Whomever invented it should be nailed to a cross. TC mark

The Power Of Female Masturbation

Posted: 12 Dec 2016 06:31 PM PST

Allef Vinicius
Allef Vinicius

I'm lying on the table, vulnerable, cold and full of some jelly substance. She hands me a towel to wipe up. She finishes listing all the dating apps and sites she was scrolling through this weekend. "So he says to me, you must have someone who’s taking care of your needs then if you’re still single”.

My aesthetician always has been pretty open and candid with me. I don’t necessarily appreciate it because I don’t like opening up to everyone, especially when my legs are literally open, but she has a hard time reading my uninterested facial expressions.

"So I say to him, I’ll have you know I don’t have anyone taking care of my needs – I’m fine being alone right now”. Again, I wasn’t sure what was encouraging her to speak as she lasered the rest of my vagina for hair removal.

"Who says we need a man to take 'care of our needs' – we’ve got enough toys for that and we’re not animals like they are. I mean, I don’t use toys or masturbate but some of my girlfriends do”.

I start to think about how many of my girlfriends have admitted to masturbating and I shit you not, out of 5 close friends and an additional 10 close-ish friends, I’m one of the 2 women who 'takes care of her own needs'.

I think back to how the man in my aesthetician's story reacted to a pretty woman being single: he assumed that she must have some side man keeping her sane and providing her with pleasure. As if men are the only sources of satisfaction. Did he forget women have hands too?

We forget the possibility and importance of self stimulation and the empowerment we give ourselves when we don’t leave this joy solely in the hands of men. This isn’t an anti-men rant or anything, I just think that men never forget what their hands are capable of while women are ashamed to move below the belt alone. I love men and appreciate their sexual autonomy and I think it’s important we mimic that pleasure awareness.

Normalizing masturbation for women also eliminates the time we waste in bad situations; rather than having a friends with benefits set up with a horrible ex, you can "maintain yourself” with no emotional or personal liabilities and risks. It sounds a bit futuristic and disconnected to rely on toys or yourself to get off but it should definitely be an option, and option that is considered by women as much as men. Masturbation has the ability to teach you about yourself, learn what makes you feel good and what doesn't. TC mark

15 Men Reveal What Information They Really, *REALLY* Want To See On Your Dating App Profile

Posted: 12 Dec 2016 06:00 PM PST

@adamkuylenstierna
@adamkuylenstierna

1.

Some degree of effort, it seems that majority of women’s profiles I saw when I used OKCupid were either short lists that told me nothing: “I like music and movies and books” or else they were generic one line statements that meant nothing “I love to travel. My kids are my life”

— le_fez

2.

Positive, open, benign, encouraging statements.

Usually as I’m swiping through the ultra homogenous set of pics showing women on horses, or rock climbing, or doing yoga, or at a bar with a sports jersey on … there’s a strange consistency to the words in their profile. It all boils down to:

“Here’s a list of dealbreakers to cull the lot of you … dirty rabble … most of you aren’t worth my time. Don’t message me. I don’t want you.”

It’s very disheartening.

— theSchmoozer

3.

Accurate pictures with body shots. I have dated women with a little extra, but lying about it really sours the first date. Now if there aren’t body shots I just assume the worst.

— antidense

4.

Pictures that aren’t month’s, years, and 30lbs old. I met a girl on Plenty Of Fish a few years ago, in the pictures she was young, beautiful, and had a great smile. When I was set to meet her I literally walked by her because I didn’t recognize her. It was the same girl for sure, but she was at least 50lbs heavier and several years older.

— TheBrandNewDay

5.

“If you include (word/thing) in your message I’ll know you read my profile instead of just looking at my photos, and will reply.”

Something along those lines, but worded better.

Helps her weed out the fuckbois, while also throwing guys who are legitimately interested a fucking bone.

— SeeEmmDee

6.

Strictly in terms of utility, I’m sure it’s good practice to find a simple, non-obnoxious way to state approximately what you’re looking for, in a dating profile.

But I’m less interested in even knowing that, than I’m interested in reading a dating profile that shows who a woman is, rather than telling who she is. Say something about the things you like to do, that don’t necessarily interest other people. Sharing interests effectively should start conversations.

Bad interest: Netflix

Good interest: “Lately, I’ve been really interested in documentaries about the history and culture of film in Eastern Europe.”

A good interest invites questions. A bad interest invites a volley of messages that don’t go anywhere.

— RiggsBoson

7.

Honestly and accuracy are what us men are looking for. Girls are pretty notorious for not knowing what they want, but the “just seeing what’s out there” types give off more of a “if something better comes along I might leave you” flaky vibe. I’m much more inclined to contact a girl of they state what they’re looking for.

— TheBrandNewDay

8.

Since guys are expected to start the conversation, something relevant to that. Career, hobbies, interests, even dumb stuff like sports teams; anything that we can small talk about.

— forlackofabetterword

9.

For the love of GOD stop putting in your profiles that you “like to go out but also like a night in.” I see it on so many fucking profiles it’s become a turn off.

— TheBrandNewDay

10.

I want to see something personal. It doesn’t matter if it sounds stupid or random. If she says “I love spaghetti but can’t stand people who cut it up first” it tells me more about herself than a billion pics with Machu Picchu in the background.

— Sheriff_of_Stud_City

11.

An actual self summery about herself. 99% of online profiles are empty or just say “just ask.”

— vincentninja68

12.

Same thing women want in men’s bios. Show, don’t tell.

Are you witty/like sarcasm? Then say something, don’t day “I’m witty/sarcastic.

You like music/reading? No shit. You don’t need to give a grocery list but be a little more specific

You like traveling? Like to the coast? The mountains? Olive Garden?

— a_split_infinity

13.

Whether or not they were open to dating people with different religious beliefs. I don’t believe in God but would be perfectly happy dating a religious person. Most of my friends and girlfriends have been catholic.

— Lannister963

14.

I like when women put jokes in their profiles — not like recited jokes but generally poking fun at the questions or themselves. It helps me know if their sense of humor is similar to mine.

Also, any games that they like (doesn’t have to be video games). I feel this is as important to me as TV and movies.

— DiamondFalcon

15.

Everyone “loves to laugh”, write about your hobbies/interests/hopes and dreams instead. Also, use more interesting photos, a selfie doesn’t tell me anything about you aside from what your face looks like.

— Pixelwizard92

Read This If You Were Not The Cool Kid

Posted: 12 Dec 2016 05:30 PM PST

Marjorie Bertrand
Marjorie Bertrand

When I was 13 we had a class on square dancing and for the first time in my life I had to touch girls.

As we spun from partner to partner I heard each girl say to whoever was unlucky enough to dance with me, "You don't have to touch him. Just hold your hand an inch or two from his."

A few years later, I heard two girls talking about me. Do you see it? Do you see what's on his face?

I had bad acne. But also bad cysts. From my eye, down my nose, across my cheek. Big purple blotches.

I had glasses. Braces – the kind with the rubber bands, the metal all over. Like train tracks.

I had tangled curly hair that couldn't be combed and buck teeth and I was very unathletic. I was the last picked for every team. I was the one kid who played chess all the time.

The first day of junior high school, the first day of high school, I was an easy target for the bigger kids.

They were so big they were real adults. They had beards and flannel shirts and packs of cigarettes and got girls pregnant and threw desks in the classroom. And would also beat me up.

Nobody said there shouldn't be bullying. The teachers didn't care. My parents had no clue and I wouldn't tell them because there was nothing they could do anyway. And they were busy with work.

I would skip school as much as possible. Sneak across the farm in my backyard and take a bus into New York City and hang out in bookstores or chess clubs (like a tough guy should).

And I never went to the bathroom during school. That would be a death sentence. No matter how badly I had to go I would hold it in. I only peed in my pants once during this time.

I'd go to the library instead of going to lunch. I became more and more shy.

And by the time youth spit me out into the outside world, I was desperate for any attention and any person who can help me inflate my tiny self-esteem.

I'd latch onto the first woman who kissed me. Then, the second and third. I'd be afraid to lose anyone. I'd be afraid they'd see the pimply, braces, tangly, unathletic, shy kid that was still buried deep inside me.

My therapist said to me the other day. You're 48 now. We are all secretly still that 13 year old. You carry those insecurities with you throughout life.

You have to realize that you aren't that 13 year old anymore.

OK, doctor, see you next Tuesday. TC mark

50 Intimate Ways Women Want To Be Touched (That Have Nothing To Do With Sex)

Posted: 12 Dec 2016 05:00 PM PST

Brandon Woelfel
Brandon Woelfel

1. Brush a strand of hair out of her face and push it behind her ear.

2. Tilt her chin up before you kiss her.

3. Come up behind her and wrap your arms around her in a tight hug.

4. Hold her hand and squeeze.

5. Rest your hand on her thigh when you’re sitting beside her.

6. Play footsie with her beneath the dinner table.

7. Be the big spoon when you cuddle her.

8. Pull her close and dance with her, even without any music playing.

9. Lift her up and spin her around when you see her for the first time in forever.

10. Carry her around the house bridal-style.

11. Rest your hand on her hip as you walk through the mall.

12. Let her rest her head on your lap when you’re relaxing on the couch.

13. Kiss her on the forehead.

14. Put your arm around her shoulders when you’re watching a film.

15. Run your thumb along her lower lip.

16. Place your forehead against hers and stare into her eyes.

17. Run your thumb across her knuckles while holding her hand.

18. Let her rest in between your legs and give her a shoulder massage.

19. Link arms and walk around like an old fashioned couple.

20. Run your hands through her hair.

21. Rest your head on her lap so she can play with your hair.

22. Let your breath tickle her ear as you whisper into it.

23. Sit so close that your arm is grazing up against hers.

24. Drape your jacket over her shoulders when she’s shivering.

25. Wipe a stray eyelash off of her cheek.

26. Help her adjust her necklace when the clasp falls to the front.

27. Wrap an arm around her when she’s had too much to drink and needs help standing.

28. Give her a foot massage.

29. Place her fingers over yours as you play the guitar or the piano to help her learn.

30. Kiss her on the cheek while she takes a selfie.

31. Place your hand up against hers to compare your hand sizes.

32. Help her undress.

33. Give her butterfly kisses by batting your eyelashes up against her skin.

34. Touch her arm while you’re laughing at something she’s said.

35. Kiss her on the nose.

36. Put your hand on the small of her back as you’re walking through a crowded area.

37. Tickle her.

38. Let her rest her head on your shoulder when she’s tired.

39. “Accidentally” brush up against her.

40. Kiss her on the shoulder.

41. Lean across the table to feed her from your fork.

42. Stand behind her while you golf or bowl.

43. Try being the little spoon when you cuddle her.

44. Give her a high-five after she does something impressive.

45. Pull her close to feel your body heat when she’s cold.

46. Kiss her on the back of the hand.

47. Help her take her glasses off before you kiss her.

48. Lift her up when you hug her.

49. Lightly run your fingers up and down her arm.

50. Caress her cheek as you kiss her on the lips. TC mark

You Only Want Me When You Can’t Have Me

Posted: 12 Dec 2016 04:00 PM PST

Thought.is
Thought.is

11:45 PM.

There’s an unread text message from you.

I hate this part.

This is the part when I know I should just delete whatever you said without looking. The part when I’m weak and everything my mother taught me not to be. I know I should just shut my phone off and continue living. I know after all this time, I shouldn’t still want you.

I shouldn’t still want you.

And yet, here I am, light-headed because my goddamn phone beeped and everything inside me knew it was you.

Contact from you always plunges me into a bad space. A hungry space. A desperate place. The kind of thing I’ve worked hard to escape. I shouldn’t go back.

I tell myself this.

Don’t go back.

You only ever want me when you can’t have me.

I’m your back up. I’m someone you assume will always be waiting. If things don’t work out properly, if Plan A fails, don’t worry! You’ve got your just in case girl.

I wasn’t ever meant to be this, you know. People have loved me. People have tried to move mountains for me.

I remind myself of that. I remember the mouths that wanted me, and not just as a consolation prize. I remember the men who would have laid down their lives.

But then, you reach out, and I think this thing between us has a shot all over again.

You reach out, and I see a glimmer of hope. I see the smallest spark and convince myself it’ll be enough to start a flame.

The truth always surfaces, though. You’re not ever going to want me. Not really. Not all the way. Not wholly and fully.

That is, not until I’m gone. Not until I’ve finally put this heartache to bed and stopped wishing for something you’re not capable of giving.

Not until I stop responding to your 11:45 PM texts. TC mark

The Hilarious Way This Guy Apologized To His Girlfriend Is *Literally* Relationship Goals

Posted: 12 Dec 2016 03:30 PM PST

via Twitter
via Twitter

Cute couple Jodie Duncan and Kieron Cameron were planning on staying in and spending a quiet night together, as Jodie was feeling under the weather. During the day, however, Keiron went to a raging party and got pretty freaking drunk.

Under the influence, Keiron was worried that his girlfriend would be mad at him being super wasted after they made plans to spend time together that night. So he tried to reach out and talk to her, in like *every* possible way.

via Twitter
via Twitter

On my count, he tried to Facetime her, texted her, sent a Twitter DM, sent a Facebook message, zipped a Whatsapp messages, and a Snapchat.

That wasn’t all either, he also sent her a gift voucher with the same “R u angry at me” message.

via Twitter
via Twitter

He definitely felt bad.

According to Jodie, however, he had no reason to! She wasn’t mad at all, and was actually super surprised he went to all that effort to contact her:

"Didn't expect to go downstairs for a drink to come back to a message on every app we both have and especially a gift voucher with the message 'R u angry at me,'" Duncan told BuzzFeed News. "But I wasn't angry in the slightest, was just shaking my head at him." (Source)

Jodie posted the whole thing on Twitter, because she knew her friends would get a big laugh out of the whole thing.

What she didn’t realize is that thousands of people would get a laugh out of it too!

A little bit later she updated people, showing them how Keiron had *seriously* tried his best to sober up for her:

via Twitter
via Twitter

You certainly can’t say that this guy doesn’t care about his girlfriend, even if the whole thing is a ~little~ over the top! TC mark

Here Is Why You Have Trust Issues Based On Your Myers-Briggs Personality Type

Posted: 12 Dec 2016 02:00 PM PST

 thechasekennedy
thechasekennedy

ENFP and INFP: Because in the past, you've been burned by your own wild imagination.

You have a tendency to rush into things heart-first, with your imagination running wild alongside you. More than a couple of times, you've found yourself disappointed when the reality of a person or a situation doesn't quite measure up to the way you envisioned them in your mind. You're more cautious about handing over your trust nowadays, as you've learned that it's best to let your head catch up before your heart leaps entirely over the fence.

INFJ and ENFJ: Because you don't want to plan an entire future with someone who's just going to leave.

You don't do 'casual' anything. If you're dating someone, it's because you see a future with them. If you're working somewhere, it's because you want to advance in the position. When you go ‘in’ on a commitment, you go all the way in – and you pour every inch of your heart into it. You're cautious about placing your trust in others because you want to make sure that they're in it for the long haul as well. Otherwise, you're making plans around something that might disappear at any moment – leaving both your heart and your plans for the future in the lurch.

ESTJ and ISTJ: Because you always invest 100% and you don't want that investment to be taken advantage of.

You don't commit to anything halfway. You feel a strong sense of diligence and obligation to the people, communities and positions that you invest yourself in – and you want that same sense of investment in return. Once you make a serious commitment to something or someone, you prioritize them above everything else in your life. And that last thing you want is for someone to take advantage of that tendency.

ISTP and ESTP: Because you know firsthand how selfish people can be.

You don't have rose-colored glasses on. You've been around the block a few times and you've seen it all – people lying, cheating, betraying each other and throwing one another under the bus to benefit themselves. You're distrustful of others because you're realistic about others, in a way that many other people are not. You know that it's human nature to be selfish, so you're careful to protect your own heart.

ESFJ and ISFJ: Because you're used to giving more than you get back.

You're a giver by nature, and supporting those around you comes as naturally to you as breathing. Unfortunately, others aren't always quite as openhearted as you are. You've learned through trial and error that you have to be careful and whom and what you invest your heart in. You don't want to have to limit your love, so you need to find someone who's ready to give it back to you in equal measure, before you let yourself get too invested – and end up heartbroken at the end of it.

ENTP and INTP: Because you have an objective understanding of the dark side of the human psyche.

Most people slap on rose-colored glasses when they're falling in love or investing in a new opportunity – but you have never owned a pair of those in your life. You have no problem staring down the human psyche for what it is – a self-preserving entity, that functions to protect the individual in question at all costs. It's not so much that you think people are inherently malicious – it's just that you know they are inherently out to protect themselves. So you do the exact same, by never trusting anyone else above yourself.

ESFP and ISFP: Because you're easily affected by relationships and are scared of getting hurt again.

It sounds a little dramatic, but it's true. You feel both the highs and the lows of a relationship very intensely, which means when it's good it's great – but when it's bad, it's really bad. You're cautious about who you place your trust in because you invest a lot of your heart into any relationship you enter into – and you're afraid of someone walking away with it, leaving you empty and alone.

INTJ and ENTJ: Because you secretly think everyone else is incompetent.

Okay maybe not everyone, and maybe not entirely incompetent, but you secretly believe that most people are at least a little less competent than you are. You have trouble placing your trust in others because you can't see how anyone else could come up with a plan for the future that's better than the one you figured out – so you'd prefer to just go with your own and trust others only with what you absolutely need to. TC mark

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