Thought Catalog


Dear Men, Please Just Grow The Fuck Up

Posted: 17 Jan 2017 08:30 PM PST

João Silas
João Silas

Dear men,

I'm not sure if no one has ever told you, but if you tell a woman you're going to do something, she expects you to do it. If you tell her she's the only woman in your life, she is going to believe that she is the only woman in your life. If you tell her you love her, she is going to believe that you wouldn't hurt her.

Moral of the story is… MEAN WHAT YOU SAY AND SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. If you're not going to do that, don't be shocked when she actually believes whatever bullshit you're feeding her.

What's worse is that she's going to believe you so much that even when her friends try and show her what a creep-o you are, she's still going to defend you until she has proof that you're a scumbag and depending on how into you she is, she'll probably still give you the opportunity to explain yourself and prove you're worth keeping around. Now honestly, that's a VERY weak woman–but we knew that already when you thought she was candidate enough to run game on and she continued to let you. That's beside the point.

Woman are going to hold whatever role you give them with pride. That means she's going to want to shout it to the world (even if you trick her into that whole 'keep this between us' crap).

It's actually kind of sad because that doesn't only include the women who holds the good titles whom you ultimately leave looking like a fool. That includes miss sidechick, fxck buddy, FWB, and those girls who are involved in situationships that you've bamboozled into thinking that they're the only girl you're sleeping with.

I am always telling women not to defend you guys when they find out about the other woman and ESPECIALLY not to get mad at the woman they find out about because she was only comfortable with and felt entitled to whatever role you gave her because you made her feel that way. More over, keep in mind that if you've got a good girl and you're still feeling the need to mess with trash on the side… you're absolutely an idiot.

The minute sidegirl feels threatened, she's going to do whatever it is she can to mess things up between you and your girl. Then, she's going to demand that she be your girl and that you treat her better. Finally, when she realizes that she was just a piece of ass and won't ever amount to the girl she made you lose, you'll end up losing both of them when all you had to do was be faithful.

You don't know what you've got until it's gone and more importantly, another man's trash is another man's treasure. The real pain doesn't occur until you see her happier with someone else–someone that genuinely appreciates her–than she was with you. Don't be stupid.

I'm normally on your side when it comes to how confusing us women can be, but this is one of the very reasons we can be so confusing at times. As I've told you before, communication is key. Tell her the truth. If you know it's not what she's going to want to hear, hopefully she's smart enough to rid herself of you or at least of the confusing situation between you two.

Sorry, not sorry. It's time to grow up gents. If you can't speak the truth, don't speak. And honestly, with the breed of ladies out there these days, you're bound to find the girl who is willing to be whatever it is you're asking for, but don't take advantage of the women who do value themselves and want something out of a relationship other than casual sex and lies.

Man up. Speak up. And if you know you've been doing wrong–f*cking stop. I'm still rooting for you. TC mark

19 Men Reveal How They’d React If Their Girl Suddenly Started Giving Them ‘Road Head’

Posted: 17 Jan 2017 08:00 PM PST

Pixabay
Pixabay

1.

“Sounds really fucking dangerous, but I’d probably let it happen anyway because that’s just the sort of thing you do when you have a dick.”

— PM_ME_UR_exGFs_BOOBS

2.

“Two of my buddies have told me they’re not going to accept road head anymore because during orgasm they’ve both nearly died. One friend said his foot locked down on the accelerator and the other side he got weak and started losing control.”

— DrStephenFalken

3.

“I’ve gotten lots of road head. Not that dangerous. Cell phones are more distracting.”

— Casus125

4.

“I tried this once. It was a fun novelty for a few minutes, but it made driving harder and I couldn’t focus on enjoying it.”

— VincentGrayson

5.

“It was impossible to cum cause I had to concentrate on driving. Better in porn than in real life.”

— BlueSignRedLight

6.

“Had a friend who told me a story about how his brother was getting road head when on the highway. He took an exit off and hit a bump. That caused the girl to bite down and the rest was history. Ever since I heard that story I have had no desire to receive it.”

— Velociman

7.

“Way back when I was taking the commute bus in New Orleans just staring out the window bored out of my mind.

Truck passes us and I happen to notice the dude getting head. Thought hell yeah until they ran into the cement middle rail thing and the truck bounced about 3′ up in the air. Always wondered if that dude lost his dick.”

— highlow33

8.

“Hot AF.

I drive a stick though so it kind of gets in the way. I ended up following a big rig on the freeway so I won’t have to worry about shifting. Ended up missing my exit and going 30 minutes in the wrong direction.”

— FaxCelestis

9.

“Fucking great! We ride together we die together! Couldn’t be more romantic than that, yes?”

— FaenK

10.

“It’s amazing! The wife and I will gravel travel and do this. Mostly it leads to pulling in a field lane and escalating from there!!”

— Theflyingfarmer

11.

“Tried it and it doesn’t do it for me. Maybe I don’t multitask well, but I can’t drive safely AND still have enough attention left over to process what’s going on and stay hard.”

— devilized

12.

“Tried it on the wrong road one time and almost had an accident. In my experience, it sounds better in theory than in practice.”

— Lincoln183

13.

“Disaster. I’ve only ever received one toothless one, and they’ve all been with me staying still.

That’s asking for a tooth scraping or worst case, a biting.”

— cnprof

14.

“Much better in theory than in practice. Have had it happen, and I’m glad that it did. But that’s basically just because of the gesture. I enjoyed that she wanted to do that, but I can’t say I enjoyed the BJ as such. More stressful than anything.”

— temporarygiant

15.

“If it’s a road trip and it’s one of those boring stretches of road FUCK YES! If I’m driving around LA like normal oh god no, I need to be as alert as you do driving through Baghdad.”

— Lost_in_costco

16.

“Only awesome if SHE initiates it. Especially if she doesn’t say anything. Just does it.”

— tryingtofindanswers

17.

“Trying to maintain concentration is a bitch during road head. Side note, I had a buddy that worked in a mortuary. He had some young couple come in for embalming. They had to break her jaw to get his penis out of her mouth. So there are risks.”

— emein

18.

“Absolutely fucking amazing.. The joys of electric everything, means a quick seat adjustment, locking in cruise control, button controlled acceleration and deceleration, and we’re good to go. Add her amazing ass in the air and a reach over to play with her pussy…”

— themadscientist1

19.

“On the highway? Use cruise control.

On a regular road? Have him drive with his left foot on gas/break.

Make sure he can grab a titty if needed.”

— boston_shua

13-Year-Old Student Seduces His Female Teacher On Instagram, But Now She’s In Jail

Posted: 17 Jan 2017 07:15 PM PST

Police Mugshot
Police Mugshot

Alexandria Vera was an English teacher at Stovall Middle School in Houston, Texas where she allegedly had a sexual and romantic relationship with a 13-year-old student.

According to court documents, Vera originally met her underage paramour during the 2015 session of summer school. Initially the student was very rude to her, but eventually became flirty and started pestering Vera for her Instagram handle.

Eventually, the student found her on Instagram and sent her a follow request. She rejected it.

When the fall term began, the student was assigned to one of Vera’s English classes and made frequent inappropriate comments toward her. Despite telling him to stop, the raunchy comments toward her would persist.

One day the student was absent from class, and worried about him, Vera broke down and sent him a message on Instagram.

After reminding him about an upcoming assignment, the student asked Vera for her phone number. She complied. The student then asked her if they could “hang out” and she agreed. She picked him up and drove him around town before making out with him in her car.

via Facebook
via Facebook

Their relationship escalated from there. By the end of September 2015, Vera visited the student at his home when his parents were not home and they had sex. She didn’t meet the student’s parents until October, when the school had an open house for all parents to meet their student’s teachers.

After the open house, she accompanied the student to his home where she was introduced as his girlfriend to the parents. Vera said that she was received very warmly, and the student’s parents even began inviting her to family functions. The student and his teacher’s relationship grew, and they saw each other and had sex often.

The student would routinely sleep over at his English teacher’s place, and then she would drop him off at his place in the morning to be picked up by the bus. According to the report, they “had sex on an almost daily basis at her home and that they loved each other.”

In January, Vera became pregnant with the student’s child. His family was initially very excited about the child, but she eventually opted to get an abortion.

In February she was questioned by Child Protective Services about her relationship with a student. Some people have some very interesting opinions on Vera:

via Facebook
via Facebook
via Facebook
via Facebook

Alexandria Vera has now been sentenced to 10 years in prison. TC mark

The Savage Truth About ‘Platonic’ Relationships

Posted: 17 Jan 2017 07:00 PM PST

Asaf R
Asaf R

If you didn't know… upon meeting someone, it takes about 3 minutes (if not sooner) for us to identify our physical attraction towards them. I, for one, actually take great pleasure in the thrill of letting my mind run wild of temptation during those few minutes before I drop back into reality and 'act normal'. The other day, I was a 'fly on the wall' to a very interesting conversation concerning genuine friendship between a man and a woman.

Do you think a man and woman can have a strictly platonic friendship with someone they find physically attractive?

Obviously, this can't be applied to everyone in the world, but thinking generally, I'd have to say, no–here's why:

With men, let's face it, they want to get in our pants–even if they're willing to work for it–ultimately, that's what it comes down to. I am not saying that a man doesn't have the ability to resist the temptation of physical and sexual attraction, but it's in the back of his mind somewhere. Ladies, if you don't believe me… try serving up your milkshake to that 'friend' and see if he doesn't come to the yard.  

Now, in the conversation I spoke of earlier, this was the end of the argument. Granted, two men were speaking, so they didn't feel the need to lie about things (from their perspectives). Men want sex. They want other things too, but sex is definitely important. They ended saying that they feel like a women can be in a platonic relationship with a man, but it just doesn't work that way for men. Here's where I disagree.

With women, I believe we do the same thing men do, more or less, in that first three minutes of meeting. Depending on the dialect and the dialogue within that three minutes, we're now considering him as a potential partner. 

Sure at first, we might sike ourselves out by calling it potential 'buddy' instead of partner, but we're women. We emotionally attach at some point. Just as I gave the men credit for, women do have the ability to undermine their feelings and resist showing this to the man. That doesn't mean that we don't have an ulterior motive behind the 'friendship' just like men. So it's not all strictly platonic for us either even if it's not about the sex.

I think the better question is should men and women have strictly platonic friendships if they're just resisting real emotions and feelings?

 As I mentioned earlier, I'm not applying this to everyone as whole. I'm also not discrediting anyone who is genuinely carrying out a strictly platonic friendship with the opposite sex. I'm just one to believe that life is about risk. I say dive in!

If you're lucky, you'll end up with the buddy and the booty. I think the only thing worse than liking a friend of the opposite sex is pretending not to. TC mark

Why The End Of ‘La La Land’ Made Me Want To Throw Up

Posted: 17 Jan 2017 06:15 PM PST

IMDb.com
La La Land

While everyone else seemed blinded by the beautiful cinematography and romantic nostalgia of the ending of La La Land, I had an overwhelming sense of needing to vomit.

At first, I thought it might have been the fact that I had just devoured an entire bag of Kernels creamy-creamy caramel popcorn that created the sudden feeling of nausea. Putting down the bag of popcorn, which let's face it is easier said than done, while the tears streamed down by embarrassed face, I realized that my calorie-laden treat wasn't to blame, instead the ending of La La Land was hitting me harder than any movie had done before. I felt an overwhelming urge to both vomit and run away, a strange reaction to a relatively happy go lucky Christmas musical.

While La La Land is definitely plagued with problems, from the complete lack of any LGBTQ characters to the downright weird monochromatic outfits that the background characters seem to wear (no please don't get me started on the bridesmaid dresses that Emma Stone's "young and hip" character choses to wear to parties). The ending to the movie, in which spoilers we see the multiple ways that Stone's and Gosling's lives could have played out had they chosen to stay together, hit me like a ton of bricks.

The ending shows just how much of an effect a romantic relationship can have a person's life. In some realities, Gosling's character never gets to realize his dream of opening up a jazz club, in other's they live in a normal household with kids. The realities aren't ranked; they are presented as a continuous fantasy allowing for the viewer to decide what their personal "best" would be.

As a person who tries not to build her entire life on romantic relationships, who had left boyfriends to live on different continents for years at a time, this really rattled me. Could your romantic relationships really change the course of your life so drastically? Can a choice to be with someone stop you from living out your dreams? And the really scary question, in order to live out your dreams, do you have to sacrifice the person you love?

Maybe my choice to sign up for OkCupid instead of Plenty of Fish will be the reason I have two kids instead of three. Does swiping right twice instead of three times mean that I'm going to live a monotonous life instead of one full of spontaneity? Was it the wrong reason to break up with a boyfriend that is "too nice" to fuck someone, who while more interesting, is "too mean?"

The ending scenes made me reflect on all of these things at once, creating a fight or flight response, which in my case seemed to come out as "awkwardly throw up in public for no reason or run away and leave you friend alone in a theatre".

Even in a movie filled with magical realism, in the end the leads still couldn't be together and achieve their dreams, so what does that mean for my world?

A movie that opened up with a traffic jam sunny sing-a-long couldn't even end with their characters keeping their true loves, if Hollywood couldn't do it, what hope do I have? TC mark

10 People Reveal The Surprisingly Creative Ways They Make Their S/O Horny As Hell

Posted: 17 Jan 2017 06:00 PM PST

Pixabay / sasint
Pixabay / sasint

1. Pics of him doing chores

My hubby gave me a really sexy kiss before i left for work and then told me to keep an eye on my phone as he was going to keep the raunch factor high all day…

He then proceeded to send me pictures of him vacuuming, cleaning the dishes, doing the laundry etc.

— Citychic88

2. “Didn’t realize I unbuckled her belt…”

She wondered what people find alluring about lap dances and strip teases, so I gave her both. She was plenty interested…and didn’t even realize that I unbuckled her belt and had her shirt mostly unbuttoned.

— CrazyIrina

3. Hopefully he’ll have me for breakfast

I’m going to visit him next week (we’re long distance) and I’m going to make breakfast for him. I’m going to wear a sexy bra and panties but cover myself up with his jacket. I’m going to blindfold him and lead him to the kitchen where breakfast will served.

I hope that when he takes off the blindfold, he sees the food first, and then sees me with his jacket on & wonders what’s underneath…Then hopefully he’ll have me first for breakfast lmao

— fergiefergz

4. Random topics

My boyfriend once got really turned on because I talked about wrestling. I also had an ex who got super turned on because I said “democratic socialism”.

— jadesaddiction

5. Letting a little bit of me peak out…

With my ex it was awfully funny. He always says I look very regal and act it as well. One day I was wearing a cut up DIY shirt with a wide neck so it rested on my shoulders. I absent mindlessly pulled it down and he stops what he’s doing and I kid you not Shudders a little and just stares entranced…..xD I don’t how my facial expression was at the time but wow he wanted to jump me immediately!!!

To summarize hmm how to say this??? Wearing clothing that covers you up and just hmm letting a bit peek out? It could be you foot, ankle, collarbone I don’t know. Hahahahaha sorry if this to weird or very low key simple

— kinkitty773

6. Literature

Apparently passionately talking about Stephen King for 2 hours did it for my husband last night.

— LouveMonstre

7. Make him feel special

Sex is mostly mental. I like making sure he feels like the only other person in the world before the clothes come off. Mechanical actions and a technical approach will be about as satisfying as sleeping with a robot.

But then, I have a very Tantric approach to sex.

— RadBenjamin

8. Sexy pics are key

It’s not really new, but I think it’s fun to send him sexy pics when hes at work.

— BourbonBaristaBelle

9. Starting wearing less and less

For a week I started wearing less and less in the morning till I started making breakfast in the raciest lingerie I had. It was hilarious, at first she just gave me weird looks that turned into this hungry stare. By the end of the week she was up before I was.

— Wildernessinabox

10. Humiliate

We’re into mild BDSM and he gets really turned on if I have male ‘slaves’ (consensual) who buy me things and whom I humiliate.

— md_eleonore TC mark

30 Of The Coolest Airbnbs Around The World You Should Stay In Before You Die

Posted: 17 Jan 2017 05:30 PM PST

1. Medieval Keep

La Flocellière, Pays de la Loire, France.

Airbnb
Airbnb

2. Cubehouse in centre of Rotterdam

Rotterdam, South Holland, Netherlands

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3. Eco Itaka Glamping 4

Playa del Carmen, Quintana Roo, Mexico

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4. Glamping in Columbia River Gorge

Stevenson, WA, United States

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5. Romantic Bus in the forest

Weaverville, NC, United States

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6. Vintage Trailer Mountain Views

Taos, NM, United States

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7. Dome Room in the Sacred Valley

Písac, Cusco, Peru

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Airbnb

9. The Hobbit Inn

Orondo , WA, United States

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10. The Seashell House ~ Casa Caracol

Isla Mujeres, Mexico

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11. Container home, a unique house!

Palma de Mallorca, Balearic Islands, Spain

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12. Mushroom Dome Cabin: #1 on airbnb in the world

Aptos, CA, United States

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13. St Pancras Clock Tower Guest Suite

London, United Kingdom

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14. Both Floors Modern Glass Tree House

Atlanta, GA, United States

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15. Beautiful studio with great view

Akureyri, Northeast, Iceland

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16. FOSuite Superior

Oia, Santorini, Greece

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17. Casa Arbol- Treehouse life in SJDS

San Juan del Sur, Rivas, Nicaragua

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18. Cabana Floripa – Florianópolis

Florianopolis, Santa Catarina, Brazil

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19. A Beautiful Cottage Close to Geysi

Laugarvatn, Iceland

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20. ElquiDomos Astronomic hotel

Paiguano, Coquimbo, Chile

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21. Brand New Studio Earthship

Taos, NM, United States

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22. Owl House award winning Eco Build

Hightown, United Kingdom

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23. Prana Residence Spa Indoor Pool

Litchfield, CT, United States

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23. Unique artist mirrored house

Pittsburgh, PA, United States

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24. cocon douillet dans les arbres

Fondettes, Centre, France

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25. Dog Bark Park Inn B&B

Cottonwood, ID, United States

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26. Covered Bridge–Featured on HGTV

Nevada City, CA, United States

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26. Bow Top Elle Gypsy Wagon Cornwall

Helston, Cornwall, United Kingdom

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27. Windmill close to Amsterdam!!

Abcoude, Utrecht, Netherlands

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28. “LOVE NEST” w/ private Deck, 1 cozy room

Morongo Valley, CA, United States

29. Dormez dans un véritable avion !

St Michel Chef Chef, France

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30. Secluded Intown Treehouse

Atlanta, GA, United States

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TC mark

The 8 Most Common Narc-Sadistic Conversation Control Tactics

Posted: 17 Jan 2017 05:30 PM PST

Unsplash
Unsplash

Do you often engage in conversations with your narcissist that leave you feeling like you were talking to a brick wall – or worse, maybe leave you feeling like banging your head against a brick wall? Perhaps, it has even crossed your mind that you would have been better off conversing with a brick wall because the wall would have more capacity of providing understanding, validation, and empathy than the narcissist in your life!

Real life conversations with a narcissist are exhausting, dizzying, nerve-racking, and make you feel like you're going crazy – or at least drive a compassionate person to question their own reality, and even their sanity at times. The circular conversations leave you feeling worse off than if you had never had them in the first place. You begin to blame yourself, doubt your instincts and wonder what the heck is going on?

REVERSE PROJECTION

Before we realize the truth about the narcissist in our lives, we relate to them as if they are normal human beings possessing a conscience, integrity and some degree of self-awareness. We trust their words because we don't deceive and manipulate people and trust that the people who claim to love us will do the same. We give them the benefit of the doubt because we believe they truly love no one who truly loves us would purposely say or do anything to hurt our feelings and us. We are in essence projecting our good qualities on to them, and when they don't respond the way we expect a normal person would, we become confused and hurt, question our reality and believe we must be to blame in some way. The problem is that narcissists don't think, operate or play by the same rules as us, and our failing to recognize this sets us up for manipulation and misery by default.

Conversations with a narcissist, especially if you hold opinions about anything that contradict with their opinion of what is the gospel truth, are jam-packed with a barrage of covert manipulation tactics that are intrinsic to the narcissist and entrenched in their personality. They will make you wish you never disagreed with them in the first place and regret that you had ever dared to express your point of view. A simple disagreement will often incite a full-fledged attack on you. Somehow, they manage to twist the conservation, so you wind up feeling like the bad guy/girl, while they assume the role of the innocent victim – of you.

CONVERSATIONS ARE NOT CONVERSATIONS; THEY ARE VERBAL COMPETITIONS

When you challenge your narcissist's lies, discrepancies, and groundless accusations; suggest that they are less than perfect; try to get them to understand your point of view; confront them on their cruel behaviors; or approach them about the lack of reciprocity in the relationship, the discussion will likely decay into a crazy-making, chaotic, drama packed, mind-spinning, migraine induced headache that is intended to wear you down and punish you for suggesting or exposing a fact that doesn't support their grandiose view of themselves or maintain their need to feel superior and all mighty.

Narcissists never enter into conversations. They enter into verbal competitions. Their goal is to win at all costs. They have no interest in seeking understanding, clarification or compromise, or in reaching a meeting of the minds. Their conversations are only meant to manipulate, confuse, control, destabilize, deflect accountability, cast doubt, distort reality and create drama.

ENABLERS AND TONGUE BITERS

Narcissists only surround themselves with people who are either so charmed by them that they blindly believe every word they say is true or people who have learned that it's easier to keep their mouths shut rather than reap the wrath of expressing an opposing opinion.

Anyone in a narcissist's life that doesn't fall into one of the two categories of Enablers or Tongue Biters will certainly be given the boot. But first the narcissist will discipline you with their collection of manipulation tactics, so when they do give you the boot, you will be sure to go out believing the reasons for your dismissal were all your fault.

HERE ARE THE 8 MOST COMMON CONVERSATION MANIPULATION TACTICS

1. TOPIC SWITCHEROO

Here's how this works. You and your narcissist are in the middle of a conversation; it's going well until you disagree or present facts that contradict the narcissist's point of view. The narcissist knows that your facts are indisputable and you have the upper-hand, so to gain control of the conversation and win the argument, the narcissist will deviate into a tangent of verbal vomit attempting to hoodwink you and pull the ole' topic switcheroo. Before you know it, you're discussing something totally unrelated to the original conversation, and you find yourself in defensive mode about some issue the two of you disagreed on last year.

2. THE BLAME GAME

Blame shifting is usually a tactic used subsequently to the Topic Switcheroo. The narcissist, like a magician, successfully changes the topic and diverts your attention by pointing the finger at you, and you suddenly find yourself on the defensive end of the conversation stick. The narcissist will raise questions about any and all of your real or perceived faults and pummel you. You, in turn, instinctively defend yourself, and the narcissist, just like Houdini, makes the original topic of their bad behavior disappear and escapes having to take any accountability for their actions. Meanwhile, you're tricked into taking on the defensive position and accused and blamed for creating problems and drama in the relationship.

3. PROJECTION

Hypocrisy is the narcissist's middle name. What they say and do when no one is watching is drastically different from what they say and do in the presence of others. Since they are all about maintaining their false persona they use projection to rid the unwanted traits in their character. But since they are the emotional equivalent of a five-year-old, they magically disown the parts of themselves that reflect negatively on their personas and accuse you of the exact things they're guilty of doing. Did you ever notice how they will accuse the most generous person of being selfish or having a hidden agenda behind their generosity? The most honest person is accused of being a liar. Their faithful partner is accused of cheating? The narcissist's projections are really confessions that reveal what the narcissist is guilty of and/ or believes about himself/herself.

In contrast, emotionally healthy people don't use projection when they're on the defensive. When and if they resort to character assignation, their comments more closely resemble the truth and tend to resemble slander. Not the outright lies that characterize projection.

4. TURNING UP THE VOLUME

When narcissists act with a disproportionate amount of anger or rage by increasing the volume and tempo of their voice, you can bet that they're trying to shock and bully you. Their actions are an absolute declaration of psychological warfare. Their increased volume is a ploy to get to you to back off. The sudden, shocking, cruel and disproportionate attack is an offensive maneuver aimed to destabilize, confuse and intimidate you. When you're under attack and in a state of shock, your defenses naturally become weakened. The stress of being attacked and yelled at decreases your mental acuity and leaves you open to suggestion. As a result, your weakened state renders you less of an intellectual threat to the narcissist's need for control and dominance.

5. PLAYING THE VICTIM

There is much truth in the quote, "Deceit's favorite role is playing the victim." It's no wonder why when the narcissist isn't playing the role of the hero, he/she is playing the role poor victim. Through garnering pity, narcissists will play the victim, while vilifying the real victim, as a way of concealing their abusive behavior and avoid taking responsibility for their cruel and deceitful actions. Narcissists capitalize on the compassion of others and exploit their sympathy in any way they can, depending upon what their goal is at the time. If the narcissist doesn't want to keep a promise and you become upset, your feelings won't be validated; there will be no apology or display of empathy. Instead, the narcissist will get angry at you for being upset and blame you for your lack of empathy in not considering that they may be having a bad week, stress at work or so on.

You will be labeled selfish or accused of being needy or demanding for expecting the poor narcissist to honor his/her word. However, if you have a bad week, don't expect to receive the same treatment. The narcissist will expect you to keep your promise and will minimize and invalidate your feelings by portraying themselves as the victim. The narcissist will always one-up you by reciting a litany of reasons why their week was so much worse than yours or lecture you on how your life is so much easier than theirs, and so on. Whatever you can do, they can do better. Whatever bad thing happened to you, something worse happened to them.

6. GAS-LIGHTING

Gas-lighting is a form of psychological abuse so insidious that many articles have been written about it. Narcissists use this tactic in conversations by purposely altering or not sharing information and replacing it with false information. This tactic is designed to systematically dismantle the victim's ability to trust their own judgement and undermine their confidence to the point where they begin to doubt their own memories and judgements, thus rendering them highly suggestible to the narcissist's opinion.

For example, a narcissist may casually but consistently suggest how their memory is superior to yours, especially if you ever admit to being forgetful about anything. They may even go so far as hiding or rearranging your belongings, intentionally tricking you into believing your memory is faulty. Then when a difference in opinion arises or you expose a discrepancy in their story, the narcissist, with absolute conviction, will use your faulty memory as evidence to make you doubt what you heard or saw and second guess yourself, causing you to ultimately accept the narcissist's rendition of the truth.

7. INTERRUPTING

Narcissists are notorious conversation interrupters. They love to be the center of attention and control the focus of the conversation. They have no interest in having a two-way discussion with you. If you dare attempt to get a word in edge-wise or make your point of view heard, if it at all contradicts the narcissist's point of view, your opinion will most likely be ignored or dismissed. While many people with ADHD and other mental disorders struggle with problems of poor impulsivity or poor communication and often interrupt others, the narcissist intentionally interrupts to redirect the focus of the conversation back to themselves since they believe their opinions are superior and correct, and that whatever they say should be accepted as the gospel truth.

They genuinely have zero interest in hearing other people's viewpoints or reaching compromises or win/win solutions to disagreements. They have a 'my way or the highway' frame of mind and interrupting allows them to control the conversation and manage it in a direction that parallels their point of view and agenda. By monopolizing the conversation, they exert their control and avoid taking responsibility or addressing important issues. In their minds, their ability to dominate conversations confirms their superiority.

8. THE SILENT-TREATMENT

The silent treatment is probably one of the most common forms of emotional abuse used by narcissists when all the above tactics have been tried and have failed. Narcissists use the silent treatment as a form of punishment for not acquiescing to their point of view or as the way to gain the upper hand and control in their relationships. It's also a way to avoid discussing important issues in the relationship and avoid taking accountability for their wrong-doings. When a narcissist uses the silent treatment, they will do it in a way that is so out of proportion to the situation. Narcissists will also tend to demand a perfectly delivered apology. If the apology is not said correctly or in the right way, the narcissists will extend the length of the silent treatment. By demanding a perfectly delivered apology, narcissists confirm their dominance and support their exaggerated importance.

The silent treatment is intended to make the victim feel completely unloved, invalidated and insignificant. The use of the silent treatment is usually about control. Sometimes the narcissist will use the silent treatment just to assess the amount of control they have over people. Often, it will be used as a tactic to create distance and free up space to engage in infidelity or pursue new admirers. Victims are left feeling destroyed, as the silent treatment kills any possibility of reconciliation.

THE SEARCH FOR ANSWERS

The many people who've been expelled from the narcissist's life know there is something terribly wrong with the narcissist. However, many of them never bothered or cared enough to connect the dots and define the craziness they were subjected to.

But for those who have had intimate relationships with a narcissist for any length of time, it almost becomes an unsettling necessity to search for answers and put the pieces together to restore their equilibrium and unearth the reality of the absolute insanity that had become their normal existence.

This is what drives most former partners of narcissists to hit the internet and actively Google the WHY DID questions – for example: Why did my partner always think they were right? Why did my mother never apologize? Why did my spouse always give me the silent treatment? Why did my sibling always make me feel like I was to blame? Why did my perfect partner change?

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY ABOVE THE CLOUDS

Their Google search queries lead them to articles about narcissism and narcissistic traits. Survivors voraciously ingest the massive amounts of information permeating the world-wide web. The descriptions are so eerily accurate that if they didn't know better, they would swear the articles were written about their relationship. The precision in which the articles depict their relationships, from the golden beginnings right down to the horrid end, to the t becomes the indisputable validation that precipitates the cloud of confusion to dissipate, allowing enlightenment to illuminate the truth of their situation with profound clarity. No, narcissism is not limited to vanity or arrogance, as they originally believed. It is so much more pathological and insidious than they could have ever imagined; and even worse, there is no cure.

Gradually, through their research, they realize that the narcissist never really loved them or anyone for that matter, as narcissists are wholly incapable of love and devoid of a conscience. Survivors slowly accept that the person they were in love with was just a façade and never really existed. Finally, this awareness forces them to mourn the loss of three people, only amplifying and adding to their grief. First, they must mourn the loss of the person they loved who never really existed. Second, they must mourn the loss of the person they believed their narcissist had the potential to be. Third, they must mourn the loss of their identity that had been eclipsed under the crushing weight of the imbalance and inequity of their relationship.

THE LENSES OF AWARENESS

Terms they had never heard of before – like love bombing, future faking, false-self, idealization, devaluation, projection, gaslighting, smear campaign, flying monkeys, cognitive dissonance, and triangulation – become part of the survivor's regular vocabulary. Sadly, they become more adept at explaining the definitions of these terms than most mental health professionals because they are not just terms learned through memorization, but rather words learned through painful, real-life experiences.

Their new-found vocabulary becomes powerfully liberating as they finally offer a palpable term to explain the insanity that once was their reality, but that they were previously at a loss for words to describe. They grow so knowledgeable about the subject of narcissism and traits of NPD; they deserve to earn honorary doctorate degrees in the subject.

The crazy-making conversations of the past start to make more sense through the new lenses of awareness. Survivors begin to finally be able to put the finger on and pin-point the emotional abuse they suffered but failed to perceive was abuse at the time. The layers of blame, guilt, doubt, confusion and uncertainty of their reality that had tormented them start to erode, as they recognize that the layers were deliberately and deceptively deposited onto them by their narcissist. This is the pivotal point, where recovery from narcissistic abuse begins.

Without awareness and education about narcissistic abuse, the chances that a survivor will end up in another abusive relationship are infinitely higher. Emotional abuse is as devastating as any other kind of abuse. It's intentional and malicious exploitation and manipulation of the heart, soul, spirit, mind, and often the wallet of another human-being, cloaked in counterfeit expressions of love and concern. TC mark

He’s A Habit You Can Break, Stop Telling Yourself Otherwise

Posted: 17 Jan 2017 05:00 PM PST

 TC Instagram
TC Instagram

Your phone goes off, after months of silence.

It's him. The same him that has been toying with you and f*cking with your emotions for longer than anyone would like to admit.

You take a screenshot. Send it to your friends. They all reply with, 'no.'

And you know you shouldn't answer. The right thing to do, would be put your phone down. Walk away. Move on and pretend it didn't happen.

But it did and it still affects you. That's the root of the problem.

Then that other voice chimes in saying, 'It's just one text. One snap. One like.'

Keep telling yourself that. Keep saying it's nothing. It's just one conversation that won't lead to anything.

You haven't heard from him in a while. You miss him. More than that you're curious. Is he seeing anyone new? Does he miss me too? Why did he text me?

But the greatest question of all is 'Will this time be different?'

You want to believe it will be. You want to hope he's changed. You want to hope you have too and maybe this time you'll get it right.

So you reply and wait.

And suddenly this turns into a clever chess game, of who makes what next move.

You said you didn't want to play anymore, yet here you are playing.

He jumps and you say how high.

Next thing you know, you're running in the exact same circles and in the same place you were months ago and you realize nothing changed. You shouldn't have answered in the first place. But now here you are, pissed off again, in another fight, and the exact same thing has happened, yet again but you're surprised.

He’s a habit you can’t seem to break.

Yeah, you go weeks without speaking maybe even months but the second his name appears on your screen, that's it.

And I know you guys have a history. I know you really care about him, even if you're friends don't know why. I know, you know him in a way other people don't. I know you see something in him. And I know from the bottom of your heart, you want to get it right with him.

But until him texting you doesn't send you off the edge, of being emotionally conflicted, nothing will change.

Maybe you each have to grow apart before you become the people you are meant to be. And maybe when that happens you'll find your way back to each other.

But right now, I know this is hurting you. He comes and goes just to see if it affect you. And it does.

If you want to beat him at his game stop playing it. Remember boys play games. Men don't.

So the next time he texts you, the next time you are tempted to respond, I want you to ignore it. Make him realize what it's like to live without you.

Then live your life without him.

If you want a different outcome with him you're going to have to do something different.

Establish your own goals. Build yourself up in such a way, that you look at yourself in the mirror with the admiration you deserve. You aren't weak and every time you answer him I know that's how you feel sometimes.

When that text doesn't faze you, then you can answer. But until then don't.

And when you guys find your way back to each other again (because let's face it, you will) make sure you've changed. That’s the only thing within your control. Make sure you're leading a life so great, at that point, he wants to be a part of it. Be so strong and independent, you be the one to make that call.

Remember these circles you find yourself running in, as things begin just to end again is fate's way of telling you, you haven't learned what you need to on your own yet. TC mark

You Were Toxic, But You Made Me Feel Alive

Posted: 17 Jan 2017 04:00 PM PST

Unsplash, Seth Doyle
Unsplash, Seth Doyle

You were so fucking wrong for me, but every second with you felt dangerously right.

I couldn’t believe a word that dropped from your lips, but you looked so pretty while you spoke. I couldn’t trust that you were what you claimed you were, but I let myself buy into your act for the good of us both. I couldn’t imagine a future with you, but the future was so far off and the now felt too euphoric. I didn’t want to let it go.

You were toxic, but you made me feel alive. You gave me a reason to look forward to tomorrow. To dress up in my flirtiest skirt and slip into my laciest bra. To post Instagram photos that would make you jealous and read your lust-driven comments.

You were unexpected. Untamed. Unpredictable. I never knew what would happen when we were together. If our conversations would lead to dinner at the diner or to me escaping to the bathroom for a cry.

But the rough days didn’t matter. The tears could be wiped away, the cuts could heal. Besides, I was happy, even when I was miserable. At least I was feeling something. At least I was living.

You made me feel like I had a reason to climb out of bed in the morning. A reason to smile into the mirror. A reason to exist.

What we had — whatever the hell we had — was never boring. Painful? Depressing? Damaging? Yes. But never boring.

And I think that’s why we keep toxic people around. Because we’re worried that a healthy relationship will be too bland. That the lust and excitement won’t follow us into a stable relationship. That there won’t be any public quickies and neck kisses, unless they’re balanced out with ugly fights and screaming matches.

But that’s wrong. There’s someone out there that will tip the scale toward happiness. Someone that will convince you that you’re having fun, even when you’re walking through the grocery store, shopping for toilet paper. There’s someone out there that will bring excitement into your life without dragging darkness along with him.

You don’t have to settle for a love that consists of high highs and low lows. Or a love that’s mediocre all the way through. You can have the good without the bad. The beauty without the beast.

Toxic boys might make you feel alive for a minute. But the right boy will make you feel alive for a lifetime. TC mark